Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 3: Car Washes in Minneapolis, MN

Episode Date: December 12, 2018

It's episode three, y'all! Tune in for some...interesting...reviews of car washes in Minneapolis, MN.  Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connects ontario.ca please play responsibly welcome to beach to sandy water to wet a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello, everybody, and welcome back to Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet, the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. Yeah, welcome. This is episode three. Already, wow. Already, yeah. I came up with the theme for this week and it was car washes in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

And you gave me a very mean challenge. And I have no idea what I said because I don't remember. And that makes it so much worse. What was it? You gave me the challenge of finding a review written by a vegan of a barbecue place. That was awful. That's very, very funny. Good job, me.

Yeah, good job. But first, we're going to go into our car wash reviews. Right. And. So exciting. I'm going to go first. Okay. This is a review of Soapy Joe's Car Wash.

Oh, I looked at that place. It was written by RS. Okay. And it was a one-star review, of course. Sure. And this is what RS has to say. Minnesota winters destroy the outsides of course. Sure. And this is what RS has to say. Minnesota winters destroy the outsides of cars. Four-year-old kids with a two dollar a day cheese it habit destroy the insides of cars.

Soapy Joe's is not the place though to help with either. Oh. If your business is you know washing cars for God's sake, have the ability to wash a car. Makes sense. If I go there, wait in line 15 minutes, only to find out that it will be another hour to have them clean my car, then maybe they shouldn't be in the car wash business. By the time you find out that it'll be forever for a full-service wash, you're at the front of the line, and you can't escape. Oh my god. There's no turning back. So I get the cheapest wash, the one I don't need,

and get the craptastic, fuck-you, $6.99 version. The one where you drive it through, and they pretend to dry your car. I can do better at my neighborhood BP. Oh, she's having a bad day. Is that lady or guy? Do we know? No, just RS. Oh.

Yeah, this was rough. Sounds like a bad time. But like when you pay $6.99, then you're like, I could do better at my BP. Aren't the BP ones more than $6.99 anyway? Oh, but that's not all. Oh God, of course it's not. You vacuum yourself. That's like going to a Starbucks and brewing your own coffee.

No, it's not, but okay. It's disdainful of the customer. I don't think that's how that word works. I don't think so either, R.S. But yeah, I don't think that's what happens. Or that's Starbucks. $6.99. You pay $6.99, and then you have to vacuum your car.

That's pretty disdainful. I'm no free market expert. Oh, no way, RS. You don't say. But if you want to wash cars, wash cars. I mean. That's basically what the free market boils down to. I don't know what they're.

They hit it right on the head. I say this every time, but I don't know what their logic is and i'm never gonna understand there's no plot i mean i'm just spitballing here but here are some options oh boy one hire more people two do things better three sell and get out of the business all together how didn't they think of that end of review do things better do things better that's just rude rs needs to write a business management like bible for michael scott like um manager book that he's writing oh my gosh what was the title who managed who's managing who

somehow i manage and he's shrugging on the cover. Oh, yeah, of course. Of course somebody made an actual replica of it on the internet. Somehow I manage. RS needs to get into that game. And then he says over one billion sold. Okay. Anyway, RS needs to hopefully take a nap.

Or open up their own car wash that well so PR they can do things better and then sell and get out of the business all right before or after they hire more people three steps to business all right it's a free market indeed all right so I'm gonna give you a review written so I keep doing this and I'm sorry but it's a five-star review is that allowed on these they're just so he didn't have okay okay okay just let me do it and then if it's not if it doesn't work we'll let the fans decide we got the fans okay um okay we'll let the free market we'll let the free market dictate what we do next so will g had this to say of the downtowner car wash in minneapolis minnesota i went here with my mud covered jeep to give the piggy a bath

inside and out i have had this jeep five years and decided it was time to clean the inside, especially considering I sprayed mud all over the inside off-roading the other day. Fun, but messy. Wait, this is the first time in five years they washed the inside of their car? Yeah. That's disgusting. Only because they sprayed the inside with mud off-roading. You know how it is, fun but messy.

They went through this thing in detail inside and got it clean like the day I bought it clean. Wow! Oh, man. Sadly, the next day, an overheated energy drink exploded on the passenger side floor mat. Why?! This is... So, five years go by nothing needs cleaning in there and then all of a sudden just everything happens mud energy drink this is actually a will's cry for help i think oh never in the five years that i've had this Jeep has that ever happened? Heck, in the 30-some years that I've owned cars, I've never had a can of soda explode in one.

I mean, really? Wait, and this was heat? Yeah. Like in Minnesota? Maybe that's why. But shouldn't the cold? That happened to me one time. I feel like that happens when it's really cold.

That happened to me with the Diet Coke that was in the car exploded. Oh. Because it was too hot. It was hot? Yeah. Renee was in the car. We almost crashed into a pole. I think that happens no matter what's going on.

It didn't have anything to do with the can of soda. Okay. I mean, really? The day after paying $50 to have the inside detailed? Who hates me? Anyways, the downtowner people are awesome. They did a great job. End of review. Wait, he didn't go back?

No! Okay, but you know what I have to say. Good on him for getting a great clean and then writing that five-star review despite the fact that it was ruined the next day. Yeah, I think he just wanted to talk about that soda. I don't think there was any other reason. It was a good excuse. Anyway, so that's Will's review. Oh my gosh, Will. I'm ready for it. I wonder who hates him.

I mean, I kind of do. Just kidding. Oh no. Okay. Well, I followed your lead on this one. Oh. What does that mean? I also found a five-star review for my challenge. Okay. Well, I followed your lead on this one. Oh. What does that mean? I also found a five-star review for my challenge.

Oh. Oh, God. So we are really... Yeah, but that was fine for the challenge ones. Oh, okay. So I'm just cheating. Okay. Got it.

That's what we're used to. It's okay. It's okay. So this one... And I guess, you know, this balances things out because you'll just listen to the first sentence here oh and i was inspired by last week's monty review what's monty again oh my gosh what did he do monty what he gave us the full monty wait what, what was he? Was he reviewing? Oh, he's reviewing the stadium. Yeah.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Five Star. What was it? Onion... I don't even remember. Hashbrown. No. Potatoes?

I don't remember. Potatoes! It was a food item. Garlic fries. Garlic fries. Garlic fries. I was close with the potatoes. Just saying.

Okay. Tell me. Oh, God. garlic fries i was close with the potatoes just saying okay tell me oh god you're like really getting set up here i'm ready okay this is this is marlo's review marlo okay this is not marlo's review no this is jason's review of marlo's ribs oh i can read my own notes wow you must this is I'm so excited to hear what you came up with. Okay. It's from Memphis, Tennessee, by the way. When I was looking at barbecue places, I went to Nashville, Atlanta, and finally found the best one in Memphis.

Okay, I'm ready. I used to be vegan until I came to Marlowe's. What? True story. Are you serious? See, that's where I was kind of like, this might be cheating because technically now he's not a vegan. Well, he was. But he was when he went there. Time is a construct. Oh, yeah. In the free market, it doesn't matter what kind of food you eat. Everyone's learning a lot about business today and philosophy yeah this is a podcast that's what it's all about

all right true story i was traveling through to check out graceland i had been vegan for four years oh my god we got picked up in the pink cadillac and taken to the restaurant i asked the driver how the black bean burger was he laughed when i walked in something changed oh my god i ordered pretty much one of everything my girlfriend thought i was kidding after i ordered she said she couldn't eat all that and i quickly informed her that i was eating it it's not for you as i was eating the server came over my girlfriend told the server that i was vegan until just now after four years and the server didn't believe her no because why on earth would that make any sense exactly like and it's not a thing he was vegan until just now for four years

until he ordered literally one out of every item yeah like literally the server's carrying plates and plates and plates over. It's like so annoyed. And then it's like. And also like wouldn't you get so sick if you haven't eaten meat in four years? Oh yeah. It seems like a bad idea. But let's have a quick rundown from Jason about what he ate.

Oh. Are you kidding? Okay. All caps. All of these food items. And all of these reviews of food items are all caps. Brisket. To die for.

Pulled pork. to die for pulled pork to die for pulled chicken to die for this isn't all caps well the last word is cornbread non-yankee cornbread and amazing mac and cheese the bomb barbecue ribs the best i'vebecue ribs, the best I've ever had. The best he's ever, the most, the one that he's ever had because he's fucking vegan. Fried pickles, amazing. Marlowe's doesn't play around. Their meat is cooked perfectly. How would you know? That's what I was thinking this whole time.

I'm like, this guy hasn't eaten meat in four years. This is insane. And then all of a sudden he's a meat expert Not because he spelled meat M-E-E-T Are you serious? I'm not kidding It's got a fantastic flavor and smoke ring

It doesn't need the crutch of barbecue sauce It's not dry I mean Marlowe's is what I have compared Every barbecue to since It has turned me from vegan to carnivore and literally ruined barbecue for me because I compare everything I eat to Marlowe's, which is what he had just said.

But, okay. Last year, I rode my motorcycle from Los Angeles to Memphis specifically to eat at Marlowe's. You are kidding. So wait, this vegan suddenly decided to eat barbecue and buy a motorcycle and He walked in and everything changed.

I must have. Literally everything. I'm not retired, by the way. It was just that important to me. What? I checked into my hotel, walked over to the store to pick up a beer, and some guy tried to mug me at knife point. Wait, hold on. Where did this come from? Oh yeah, this is where it gets even juicier.

He literally rode his motorcycle to Memphis to get this barbecue. From Los Angeles. From Los Angeles. Was there. I'll just let that one slide. Okay. Went to go get a beer and was mugged at knife point. Oh, my God.

I decided not to dine in after that. So I just ordered the food delivered to my room and barricaded myself inside. I couldn't make up my mind, so I ordered the above-mentioned brisket, pulled pork, chicken, pickles, mac and cheese, and ribs. I was in heaven. The mood of this has shifted very suddenly, like, very back and forth here. I'm having a hard time following this. I couldn't finish about 85% of it, so I hope the cleaning crew at the hotel ate the rest no they did not they didn't eat the food you left behind that's disgusting marlo's literally changed

my life i now own a smoker and barbecue ribs pork and chicken a lot i'm not was not even gonna uh say it but i just the whole time was like this is that guy who buys a smoker and then tells everyone he knows about his smoker and clearly i was right okay yeah no that's that's what jason's become i will ride back one day to eat it again oh my god consider opening up a restaurant in la end of review i don't want to ever run into this guy so could you imagine no and i just feel like i'd know instantly when i saw him who he was. Also, definitely the owner of this place wrote that. Yeah, right?

That's such bullshit. Although I did look at his history and he does review other things. Like most of them are vegan restaurants, even still. Wait, are you being serious? Yeah. Like he's vegan restaurants in LA. Wow, this guy is crazy town. He's changed. I've changed.

Yeah. After that. That was really for some barbecue. It was a lot. I know I am actually a little hungry right now. I know. Thanks, Jason. Thanks, Jason or Marty's or whatever. Marlowe's. Marlowe's.

I guess in LA is the only place you would see a vegan riding a motorcycle. So yeah, maybe that makes some sense. No, I don't know. I still don't think it does. I'm grasping at straws. Um, anyway, well, that was a very successful, that was like extremely successful. What? His trip to Memphis?

Yes. successful what his trip to memphis yes no the the restaurant's uh attempt at converting yeah vegans no um you're stepping up to the plate of my challenge yeah well i did find some other ones but they were like oh this place actually has vegan options i had the black bean burger and it was great oh did you know fried pickles are vegan? Oh, I was actually wondering that while you read that. And that's what people wrote reviews about, fried pickles and stuff. But they were very boring and it's kind of like, okay, I know where to go if I want a vegan barbecue place. That's gold.

Okay, so we're going to announce our challenge and next week's theme after this little spiel we do to tell you where to find us on the internet. You can find us on Instagram and Twitter at Beach2Sandy. On Facebook at Beach2SandyWater2Wet. Our website is Beach2Sandy.com. You can find us, I guess, wherever you're listening now. Or on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, Google Play, anywhere you listen to any podcast or anywhere you listen to podcasts. And please leave us a review if you can. That would be super great and helpful and would help us kind of kickstart this thing. All right. So now it's time for you to give us our

theme for next week and I'll reveal your challenge. Oh, God. Okay. So the theme for next week is tech stores in Jacksonville, Floridaida does that make sense yeah okay it definitely does have you been watching what have you been watching the good place yeah like that's exactly what i thought of he doesn't need steel doesn't jason's and jason oh maybe it's all in my head yeah i think jason uh robs a radio shack or something no he robs a bar but atypical what's his name works sam works at a oh that's i think you're just mixing shows together and getting something good that's a good one though i like that one okay cool so what is my challenge because i'm nervous about that well because of jason's

wonderful food related review i was very hungry when i thought of this You are going to find a review of a candy store that mentions broccoli. Oh my god. Okay. That's fun. Yeah, I think so. I like it. I'm expecting someone who really hates broccoli and just needs to tell the world. You gotta eat that broccoli candy. All right. I will work on that. Sounds good. Until next week.

See you then. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.