Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 301: Best Reviews from Tour 2024

Episode Date: September 4, 2024

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$1 small premium roast coffee, every single day. Must be McCafe. Plus tax at participating restaurants in Canada. Prices exclude delivery. today. Hello and welcome to episode 301 of Beach 2 Sandy Water 2 Wet. This is a podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. My name is Xandie. My name is Xteen and while we usually ask for guidance from our loyal patrons for which episode topic or theme or challenge to do. We decided that because this one was cutting it close

and we just finished our tour that we were gonna read highlights of tour 2024. Yes, we did this last year. It was lots of fun because it brought some of our favorite bits from our tour to you all. Yeah, so hopefully. give you a little taste of what it was like and if you missed the show and you're in a certain town you

know you can hear a review from your town so there's that too. We also I think have some of these episodes or some of the live shows recorded and filmed that we haven't done anything with And we released one for patrons already. I think I forget which one it was. Which one was that Denver? I don't remember. I should remember Salt Lake we released on the feed and then I guess we probably just uploaded the video It's not what I was thinking. Never mind. That must have been what I was thinking So we uploaded one for the feed and then the video on there

But yeah, we we don't know what we're doing with them yet, but we might give them to patrons, give them some. Well, I don't know. We'll see. We'll see. I mean, they're also nice to have as emergency buffers, you know, if yes, if we if we want to release an episode and not, you know, yeah, freak everyone out, but also are, you know, incapacitated in some way.

We're like, oh shit, we don't have time to record this one. Anyway, we'll see. We have content, which is exciting. So go follow us where we release content. I have a review from Columbus and this is actually a review of COSI, the, oh my God, now of course I don't know what it stands for but it's science and industry

Something like that center of science and industry. I don't know right? I have no idea what it is Cosi probably is nothing. I oh that is right. Wow, we're so smart I've never been there, but it's a big deal in Ohio it was a big deal because the to me only because the year above me got to go every year like the eighth graders got to go to COSI for the day and the year I turned the year I entered eighth grade they told us no we're cutting that field trip out of the curriculum so I never I didn't know that was a thing so I didn't get to go either. Shoot. So, wait, that was the year I couldn't go to the like, whatever the Air Museum in Dayton is in Dayton, Ohio.

Yeah, because of my testicular torsion. Oh, no. What year was that? Eighth grade, my eighth grade. I don't know. I was. Oh, your eighth grade. So, yeah. When was eighth graded? How old is someone in eighth grade? Like 14. OK, I was probably your eighth grade. So yeah, when was eighth graded? How old is someone in eighth grade like 14? Okay, I was probably 13 then so that was so yeah 2006 wow 13 is tough already and then you have to miss going in my testicle got all torqued. Come on testicles. Yeah

Anyway anyway, this is a review of cosi the place we never got to go because of testicular torsion and school curriculum programming. One star by Francis. COSI wouldn't be so bad if they didn't dwell on such depressing subjects like the ocean and outer space. Unlike most haunted houses where people jump out to scare you, at Cosi, one weird dude just follows you around asking for help finding his kid. It's so, this is going to sound really scary.

It sounds scarier than a haunted house, but whatever. I'm about to say something stupid. I forgot that I've heard these before. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. I realized it as you were listening, like, because you were so intent and I was like, he's going to realize in just a second. Oh wait, I remember this. I was like, oh duh, I forgot what episode we're doing. Yeah, that was really funny. I forgot about, I love the ocean and the beach. It just didn't even feel ironic, you know?

They're like, oh God, it's such a bummer when we have to learn about the planet. Hey, space and by the way, outside of the planet. Yeah, like, you don't really leave much room. Ocean and space covers quite a bit. The ocean and space though are too terrifying. I too terrifying prospects for me. That is fair. Yeah, I would say terrifying more than depressed. I mean, depressed, definitely depressing in context. But you know, as as far as like learning at a museum goes, I wouldn't say depressing as much as like, holy shit, that fish is scary.

Yeah, yeah. I guess it's more about where that person is in life. You know, that's how I feel. Sometimes everything is depressing. I can put a depressing spin on everything. I see. So for working on a continuum here, it's not so bad, but they're just in a place where they... Exactly. The average is pretty darn low. Oh, that's too bad. Anyway. Okay, well, I hope you feel better Frank or Francis

or whatever I called you. Oh, and I forgot to mention, you have reviews from six of the cities and I have reviews from six of the the other six cities so we yeah because I didn't yeah plan anything and then just did a bunch and Oaks and her said okay. Well, why don't I do the other six? I said that's very thoughtful So now everybody's town gets a review. I just thought it made sense that way I don't know because otherwise I would have like yeah, just so everyone it did sense that way. I don't know. Because otherwise I would have like, yeah, just so everyone can. It did feel weird because originally I had from like nine

and I was like, well, I wonder if the three cities I didn't do are gonna be like, wait a minute. Yeah, doing nine out of 12 is a little weird. It was too close to 12 that I cut it down to six and then you said. Weirdly makes a lot of sense. Like if you had done 11 of 12, I would have said, I would have stepped in and been like, I know you hated that city, but let's be honest.

No, no, I would never be that obvious. Come on, are you kidding me? Like who do you think I am? We overthink everything to the point where we wouldn't want anyone thinking that we might think something. Oxenor, which is what we did. That's like what we're presenting,

like literally in the moment. That's the craziest identity're presenting like literally in the moment. That's the craziest we are insane Anyway, what was your least favorite city? St. Louis. No, I'm kidding. The reason I said that so fast. Hang on everybody Is because there was one city what it's not that much better But as I was listing them out and I was sending you the other ones I didn't do I could not I sat there for like five minutes trying to think of St. Louis. I could not remember it.

I mean, it was our last show. It was our last show, which makes it that even worse? Which makes it more recent. It doesn't make sense. But I was like, I swear to God, I've done everything Chicago, like I kept listing them and St. Louis I forgot about. So I don't know if you'd rather be the most disliked

or the most forgotten. That's hilarious. You're both though St. Louis, apparently. Oh yeah, oops. No, I was thinking about it myself and I'm like, I don't know. We had like, I think crowds, like we ran into issues in some cities,

like logistical issues. Right, like aside from the- That had nothing to do with like the crowds and the show itself. Actual show or content, yeah. So yeah, most of my opinions are based on that. But even then, like we didn't blacklist any of these venues, you know, we actually had every single one. I'd be like, yeah, I'd be like, yeah, really. It's the first time we've never, ever. No.

You know, usually just for fun, we acts a few, that would be no, no help to our own business. No. Yeah. So anyway, all I'm saying is I had a really good time. I will say that Dead Rat in Philly, kind of that felt like a bad omen. It did, we had to step over it to get where we were going and we were basically in the back rooms of this random strip. It was a very dark, it felt like the start of a thriller on Netflix.

Yeah, yeah. That was a tough one. Called the rat in the hallway. But I'm going to read a review of St. Louis, from St. Louis, because I did a little segment about the City Museum, because the year before I had read a review of the City Museum about like teens moaning and saying dribble on me daddy in the caves. And I'm like, this comes up more and more every time I speak to you. I know, at least I didn't reread the whole review. So I read that last year, along with another review, I think, and I was like,

what the fuck is this place? So this year, I looked up reviews again. And by the end, I had three reviews to bring to the show. And all three, I was like, what the fuck is happening at this place? So first, I'm just gonna read one though. Here's a one star review of the City Museum. And if you don't know what it is, it's basically like, a huge, it's like one building afterward. Yeah, that's what I was gonna say. So like, it's one whole building and like, has slides, it has like different art installations, it has like basically a playground, like, where you can go through all these tunnels and caves and trees and climb anywhere. And it's like a free for all it's insane. Lord. So anywhere and it's like a free-for-all. It's insane. Oh my lord.

So it was it's an insane place but it's very confusing. So here's a one-star review. My niece and girls age five and eight were visiting and we had heard how fabulous and fun this place was so we ventured down. Awful is the best word I can come up with. The girls went down one slide and we had no idea where they went. None of us were capable of going down that slide because it was so small. So we could not find them. Eventually, they popped up in a place where I could see them and they were hysterical. Luckily, I ran up some stairs and there they were. We wandered around a

little but we were all so anxious about losing the girls again that we left. End of review. Oh, I remember that one. That's like a visceral fear. I thought how wild it was that they said they went down a slide and then later they said, I went walked upstairs to get them. Oh, that's right. Oh my God, the physics of it. I was like, how is that even possible? And now after visiting the place myself, I get it.

Oh my God. So disorienting, such a maze. You'd go down a slide and then you'd have to crawl up some fucking tree branch to get to the top. It was, and I was crawling hands and knees. I was like fucking pulling my body in through certain areas. Oh my God. I was bruised up.

I was like so sore the next day. This sounds like we're back at Cosi. Are you sad or depressed or depressed or scared? This is starting to sound like Rat in the Hallway, my horror movie about us in the back rooms. Basically, that's basically, no, it was really scary at times. We went down a five story slide.

But I will say it was one of the coolest fucking places I've ever been. Oh, OK, great. It was wild. When you said bruised up and all that, I thought we were going to get a negative or an average. No, that was on me because I'm not the tallest. I'm not the biggest.

But I'm too big for many parts of that museum. So I would be crawling and be realized, oh shit, either I like go backwards or I just like squeeze through and I'd squeeze through a lot. So there were a lot of moments like that where I was like, I do not belong here. I'm an adult. Okay, but did you ever wait, wait, wait,

but adults are allowed in. Oh yeah. Okay. When you said I do not belong here, I was like, not literally, right? Because that would be bad. It's a free for all. It's a total free. Like I actually worried about that going in

because I'm like, are we just gonna be adults? Like those creepy grownups. Other adults who were there like doing their thing. And like, sure, plenty of kids. And we were around a lot of kids, which wasn't the best part of it. But like, they didn't have any issues of like being in anyone's way,

nothing like awkward or weird. Being stuck in a tunnel high off the ground with a bunch of strangers children is probably one of the scarier images I can conjure up. I wasn't, thankfully I would only go through somewhere if there was no one else around. Oh my god and now imagine that other part of CoSciReview where the guy walks out and one weird dude walks out and asks for help finding his kid. That could work here too. Oh yeah. No. This place probably loses. In fact, probably much more so. And oh, I do have also photos from there. I don't know if I got anything that crazy

of me stuck or anything, but just some silly photos from there. Oh, but those kids on TikTok did. Oh my gosh. That would absolutely happen to me. But just some silly oh, but those kids on tik-tok did oh gosh That would absolutely happen to me that okay So remember what I was saying earlier Oh at nightmare situation stuck in a tunnel in the sky with a bunch of children. I Was wrong the next level of hell would be somebody also filming it. Yeah, someone's filming it posting it. Yep. Mm-hmm Yeah, that that it actually got like climbing from that. It's not climbing above all this stuff. It's like now thinking about it being filmed. Yeah. Teenagers. Yeah, no, no. So I have another one from Columbus. This is a review that

was sent in by Kyle. And Kyle described it as Gail, the reviewer being a resident of rural Ohio with a good mind of reviews, all five stars for some reason, although she clearly has complaints. I don't remember. And I will. Wait. Okay, you will. Wait, wait, wait. Do you remember what it's of?

I think so. Wait, what star is this? Five stars. Oh, then maybe I don't. It's a review of Hawking Hills. Okay, nevermind. Okay, well, you'll probably remember because I definitely talked about how we had been there. Okay, so Gail wrote this five-star review of Hawking Hills.

I visited the park one Sunday afternoon many years ago. The sheriff stopped at the corner where we hang out and said, I need volunteers to help carry a woman who fell off the cliffs. Oh yeah. There was no emergency medical service as we know it today. Best thing they had was the hearse they would bring so you can lay somebody down while you transport them. Anyway, she and her husband and kids are camping and they got to hiking. They left the trail and she fell off the edge and the husband had tied the two kids to a tree while he went for help.

This is one of those where it's like, it's so bad that you laugh. Like it's the circumstances are so bad that you laugh because it's so absurd, but it's like not funny. I'm not laughing. Like this is written like what's funny is that it's written. This story is written in a five star review by like a stranger casual way of somebody who's just like, Oh, you know, I was just thinking that reminds me of this one weird thing that happened one time. It's like, wait a minute, Gail, what other stories are you hiding? Oh my gosh. You've seen so much.

Okay. So, so basically this lady fell off the cliff, uh, off the edge of the dad tied the kids to a tree. The dad got the kids to a tree, which at first you paused, you literally stopped me and you were like, oh my God, like, is he trying to kill them? Like you got all freaked out about like, is he serious? I took that as, oh no.

And then I kept putting my finger up and then I finally continued and the next three words were and left for help or the next four words and left for help. And you were like, oh, I should have let you finish the sentence. Yeah. So he tied the children to a tree, not to murder them, but to go find help. You could just see her tracks when she started going over the edge of the cliff. She ended up 60 feet later on the ground over the cliff,

but with the ranger and sheriff, we got together and carried her out to where we could put her in the hearse. Oh no. And to be clear, this is an ambulance, not a... She wrote the hearse slash ambulance. Insane. Just like another day in Gail's life, you know?

Okay. So we could put her in the hearse slash ambulance, and like she hasn't told us that she's alive yet. Yeah, yeah. They would take her to Logan Hospital and she was later transferred to OSU Columbus. So this happens about every year. Somebody will get off the trail and get a little too close, think they don't have to stay on the trail and doesn't apply to them, but it does because somebody will fall over once in a while and die it's a great place but it can bite you and hurt you so be safe and so it's kind of like at the end so it sucks to be them it's like oh and the snakes will bite you anyway bye like it doesn't really shit this

place sounds terrible doesn't even feel like they're like actually warning anyone. They're just kind of like, yeah, you know, you're going to fall off. So have fun with that. Yeah, right. Like like it's your own fucking funeral. Literally. Here's the hearse. Yeah. OK, I'm going to move on to Philly, which another fun show I like after the rat. I yelled. Yeah. After the show, after the rat I yelled yeah after the show after the

rat I no wonder I was so rude to them I was so rude to this Philly crowd because I knew they would yeah they could handle it and would probably taunting oh I taunted them big time I said come up here come on you can't get you can't reach me that was probably one of the dumbest things anyone can shout on a stage yeah I tempted them to come come get me to be fair it was like one of the dumbest things anyone can shout on a stage. Yeah, I tempted them to come get me. To be fair, it was one of the few stages we played that was elevated. Like, not fear.

Yeah, and they only had to take 14 women outside and say, you have to leave because you just tried to climb on stage. Alexander was getting mobbed. By 14 women specifically? Like the way you said that is like so I'm being hounded by women like no. Well because I wanted it to sound like a like you're like an elven like somebody where women are swooning all over you you know. I thought because I was talking about how I was haunting them to like attack me. I know but that's why I was making the joke that it was like more like a mob like they were all your biggest adoring It's either that or I said something like really sexist like

And you know what both can be true at the same time No, I did just taunt their city and them and just made fun of their city a lot You're right. The rat may have contributed to our foul. We were not in a foul mood. We were just like projecting. That was the energy that we got. We took this dead rat's energy. It was freshly dead. So it's soul probably went inside. We had to step over it. That's what happened twice. Yeah. Okay. Here's a one-star review.

We thought it would cancel out. So we walked back over it. I did get a picture, but I don't think we're posting that one. Here's a one star review. OK, this is of Citizens Bank Park, where the Philadelphia Phillies play. Some mascot in a yellow suit pushed my family down a few stairs and knocked over another family. I'm glad I kicked him right in the ass. Someone from there better be contacting me very soon

unless they want a lawsuit. End of review. Holy shit. This guy's going to do more than a lawsuit. He's going to get the fucking pitchforks out. And I love how they're like, I'm doing it. There's a lawsuit come in after admitting to beating up this person.

It's like lawyers are going to be involved. By the way, I beat the shit out up this person. It's like lawyers are gonna be involved. By the way, I beat the shit out of this guy. He's very good at like making you think he's gonna say something worse and then not because like it sounded like he was gonna say I kicked him right in the nuts. And he's like, I kicked him in the butt. Yeah, I kicked him right in the ass.

It's like, that doesn't quite have the same punch as like kicked him in the nuts or like, you know, I just, I expected something more like punch as like kicked him in the nuts or like, you know, I just, I expected something more like aggressive and kicked him in the ass. Just seems like such a weird thing to say. And then what was the last thing? Someone from there better be contacting me very soon unless they want a lawsuit.

I thought it was gonna be like, unless they want like another beat down. A fish, what do you call it? A fish sandwich? Yeah, definitely a fish sandwich. Whatever you call it? A fish? Yeah, definitely Whatever is when this comes out, right? Yeah We have to release this one on a Friday if you imagine if someone like is listening through our episodes just like randomly they get to this and they're like, oh

I thought this like what and they're looking to date like We did not release this during Lent It's happy Lent to you and only you that one person is listening on Lent If you do listen to this online, can you please tell us I would be so they're gonna tell us that and then I'm gonna be like Okay, that's fucking what a weird tweet. No, I'd be like, why are you telling me? Thing to tell me I don't care telling me you're listening to this on the lens. What a dumb thing to tell me. I don't care.

Like, okay, congratulations, weirdo Catholic. We're gonna text each other something, it's screenshotted, text each other something sassy and move on. And we're gonna block you because you talk about religion. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. We're gonna kick you right in the ass. That's what it is.

It's not that he's saying kick your ass, it's saying that he's kicking kick your ass. It's saying that he's kicking him in the ass, which like, that just feels like he probably left part of a shoe print on the yellow mascots. And I'm also picturing like a bigger mascot. So it doesn't actually hit the person. It's just the suit on the outside. A big minion type, you know? Oh, I love a minion mascot. Oh my god could you imagine this is

a minion pushing families down the stairs? That's hilarious. That's hilarious. That made it so much better. That's actually the funniest thing ever. I want that to happen to me. I would want to be pushed down a stairwell by a minion for sure. Wait can you imagine let's buy, okay here's the plan, we're gonna buy a minor league baseball team and then we're gonna like make cut, you know that remember that costume website was the sexy minions? Yeah, I could not forget. Except it's not, it's sexy yellow guy. Yeah. So we'll just make that our mascot. Sexy yellow guy. Yeah, because we can't get the rights to minions obviously. We cannot afford that. Not yet, we will after this. So we'll do like sexy yellow guy to start. And then when they do, instead of a kiss cam,

because that's so like misogynistic, you know, and like heteronormative, what we're gonna do is a push cam where the sexy yellow guy runs around the stadium and pushes down the stairs and everybody cheers. It's sponsored by probably like PNC. PNC push. I can see the ad pitch now. It just works.

Think about it. It just works. PNC push. You know what? I could see it. i will say i just went to a clea i was just in cleveland last weekend and it was my first time that he's sexy and he's also very violent this is it makes sense i'm so sorry okay um please so i was in cleveland which is weird i've never i had never been there spent a week in there went to a Cleveland Guardians game by myself

No, it was a great time And they had these mascots and they were three different types of hot dogs One was ketchup one was mustard and then the lady one was onion and had like white onion shirt. It was a weird thing. It was really weird, but they like wreaked havoc. Like first, well, they did a race. Well, it was crazy was I thought mustard one, but it turns out it was a fake finish line. You know, yeah, so catch up. They were running on the field. Like these were real people. Oh, they were actually actual and they were running. I'm picturing like the no. Yeah, I like that. Yeah, so ketchup. Oh, okay. Like they were running on the field. Like these were real people. Oh, they were actually. The actual, and they were running.

I'm picturing like the Duncan thing from the. Yeah, no, it wasn't just on the video. But this hot dog was going around and like causing havoc. I was cracking up, it might've been the edible. I was having a great time with these hot dogs. And one of them pushed like a cheese thing into the presenter's face. And then he had like yellow cheese, nacho cheese on his face for the next like couple innings and didn't take it off. And the hot dog was running around like knocking shit over. It was a whole thing.

I love this little guy. So basically what I'm telling you is I think that there is this is possible precedent. There's precedent. Yeah, we got to get their lawyers and say, Hey, I never knew I would have to get on the horn with Cleveland about this. But, you know, if that's what it takes for us to finally get our hands on the minions franchise, I mean, sorry, don't include that. That's, that's our behind the scenes plot. Anyway, wow. I guess let's move to Chicago. I mean, not physically, but in that episode. This is a two-star review. And I'm sorry, Chicago, this feels,

I feel like we were all so aggressive with the Chicago crowd, because we were like, oh, they can take it. It's Chicago. And honestly, we probably did see another dead rat, although I don't remember, because again, it is Chicago. There were a lot of living rats that we saw.

Oh, that's true. Yeah, that's preferable to me than stepping over a dead one. But there was a lot of like okay I think what happened in Chicago is you started it off with a lot of like Chicago versus New York shit That's what you got us off on that note And I was like I leave my New Yorker because I've lived there for. Well, and I think I kept also saying it was you who was writing these.

Yes. That was inciting anger. Yeah. And then I started taunting them like I did in Philly and said, you can't reach me. And I said, please stop. Our security bill is getting higher and higher every time all these many women are dragged out.

OK. Our sexy minions are there to throw them out. They don't throw them out, Santa, they push. It's part of the contract. You can't say anything but push them out. Here's a two star view of this. Okay, that's what I was gonna say is Chicago, I was extra mean to you guys and a couple of towns

because the reviews were just meaner, sorry. But this one is a two starstar review of the city of Chicago, which I don't think I brought any other reviews here tonight. Tonight, in this very room. I don't think I brought any other reviews of cities themselves. It's like a free hurry, I'm sorry. I think you're on stage again. Why is it so dark in here? Did you put, oh, did you put one of those weird collage wine blankets over your windows?

No, I put it over myself to keep myself safe from the sun. I'm sorry, that was a reference to our Patreon bonus episode for August that we just recorded. Usually I'm the one who mixes up where the inside jokes are from and you tell me that's from another episode. I couldn't resist, I'm sorry. But that was from Patreon, yes. Alexander suggested we do beer, reviews of beer for our bonus episode for August and I came with a review of a blanket from Amazon with a bunch of wine memes all over it. So I clearly didn't follow the rules. But-

And someone bought it to cover their wine bottles to protect them from the sun. And they said, I wish they were more tasteful. Now when my friends come over, I have to hide it. So they don't see me. Shitty fucking wine collage blanket. It's like a $20 like polyester blanket. Yeah, anyway. And it says wine and flip-flops, count me in.

Yeah. Among many other things. But I guess it's very tasteful, yes. Anyway, I'm sorry. So this is a review of the city of Chicago. And it's a two-star review. Chicago is like if Los Angeles had a cousin that smelled like cigarettes, pigeon shit, and cheese.

And I hate Los Angeles, so that is not a compliment. And I'm freaking out. And what I think I said when you read it was, no one was thinking that was a compliment. No, good point, good point. No one got that vibe was a compliment. Don't worry. Good point. Good point. No one got that bad. Thanks for clarifying, but everyone was offended before you told us that. As we transition into fall and our schedules get busier, it's easy to forget about taking

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That's better. H e l p.com Okay, I'm moving on to Seattle. This is one of our and one of by one of I mean our first show that we did on tour. So it was weird going through the reviews because I thought, did I read that one? Yeah, that feels so long ago. That was in June. It really does. You're right.

I guess summer does feel like it's taken. Well, here is a one-star review of the Tacoma Narrows Bridge. This is a toll bridge in the Seattle area. You're, oh, I didn't think we were saying the B word. Bridge. After the incident. Forgot about the incident in D.C.

Our PR team said not to say, you have to say push and you cannot say bridge. Okay, there's, we're starting, the list is getting longer. I can't say push? Oh, that's what I had. You must say push. Oh, there's we're starting the list is getting long. I can't say push That's why I must say push Okay, so and you can't push off standard how many times push off the oh Man, hang on. I'm gonna go walkie my sexy. Yellow guy. He's gonna go go get he's gonna go kick you in your Ass okay. Here's a one-star review of this B-word.

I am salty that I have to pay for this bridge. It should be called a troll bridge because of the way it makes me feel when I have to pay money to go over it. This is archaic and antiquated. It's like when a knight with black armor would stop the knight from Arthur's court from crossing a bridge and they'd have to joust Except there are no knights and no jousts only fees from the government do better gig Harbor do better end of review You're looking at me like I never read that review But I'm pretty sure I did no, I think you did I remember the because but that they have an actual troll bridge Yeah, there is a great thing. It's called the Aurora bridge that goes over the troll in right

Yeah, but that's not what this review is about like, oh, okay, because I was like, well, are they trying to make a funny joke? Okay, I mean they are they're saying the toll they are but the troll bridge because you're paying You're paying the troll toll to then to Seattle yeah Yeah, gig harvard. Um, yeah. Wow. I wish I wish it were like my riddles three. I would go to that bridge every day And when I say every day, I mean I would not get over the bridge Yeah, I was gonna say you'd have to go every day to try and you'd fail every time. To try over and over and over. What's crazy, the riddle never changes.

So you just. And they say, you can use Google. And I say, no, no. No, no, no. I'll get it next time. I'll get it tomorrow. No, that would be you. You'd be the one to not fucking Google it.

You'd be like, no, I'll think of it. Yeah, I have to. That's more you, I'm sorry. It doesn't count. That's true. It doesn't count if I. That is me. Save yourself. count if I... That is me. Save yourself.

And then if you get it, I'd be like, can you tell me the first letter of the... Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'd be like, everybody shut up. You're bad at giving hints. I know how to play this game. Incremental. Anyway. Anyway.

Oh, it is again. Okay. Sorry. So this is a review from Charlotte And this is a review of I got really if I hope Alexander remembers, but I got really Invested in the Billy Graham library as I was yeah reading reviews and The more I read the less I understood about this place Which sound which honestly also feels like the fucking center museum.

City Museum. City Museum. No, I feel like I still am more confused every time somebody gives me another account. So every every animal I learn that's at the Billy Graham Museum. I'm in shock. OK. Yep. Remember.

Oh, yeah. This was like a talking point or other shows where I'd like meet someone in the green room and be like, did you know the Billy Graham Museum? Blah, blah, blah. I'm not gonna spoil anything in case it's mentioned, but yeah. It is, it sure is. Because this is why I read it, I think, on stage because I just knew you'd be like, sorry, go back.

You know, what did you just say to me? Here we go, five stars. This is a review by Joy. Oh, by the way, sorry. If you don't know who Billy Graham is, he is a well-known televangelist from the US and his family home is in Charlotte. And so they've essentially,

they picked up his childhood home and moved it Twice I think moved it They moved it moved it twice and Now it's like a museum because he's since past basically half the museum is allegedly a gift shop Where you buy like Billy Graham themed items and then the other half of the museum is talking animals and a bunch of pictures of Billy Graham with like different celebrities and presidents so that it seems to be the whole vibe if I get that right I hope Charlotte but I feel like

that's kind of a good summation if you're unfamiliar can you imagine I would have just read that review without that context? Without all that context that probably left people even more confused? I feel like this review will make them even more confused. I'm telling you this is what happens. That's how it goes. This in the other museum that I keep losing the words for. City Museum. Here we go. Five-star review of the Billy Graham Library by Joy. I live in Lake Jackson, Texas, female, married 36 years. Sorry. I forgot that.

And I feel like we didn't acknowledge that because it probably went off the rails so quick after. But now I'm thinking, is this like a classified? Are they looking for... Yeah, right. It feels like a love, a lonely ad, you know, a lonely hearts ad. It feels like something you would read on human seeking humans. It is.

It is and it was. It was. No, you know, I had several of the Billy Graham Museums, so maybe I didn't read this one on stage. Oh, I would know. I'll find out, I think. Okay, okay. I don't know. Maybe. I'm originally from. OK, so sorry, I skipped an important part of her demographic information.

Married 36 years and I'm in my 78th year of life. I'm originally from Rock Hill, South Carolina, and my Social Security. I'm originally from Rock Hill, South Carolina, but I've been in Texas since November 1961. Every time I go home to visit, I never leave without a visit to the Billy Graham Library. And if you really want an extra woohoo time, go during Christmas or Easter holidays. There is no trip to the beach, ballgame, or other advertised outing that can beat the talking cow, purring cat, Billy's and Ruth's story, Ruth's attic, and oh so much more. I believe this is where you interrupted and shouted who's Ruth and what's in her attic. What is happening right now? You're like is that a euphemism? What does it mean Ruth's attic? and I

Catch screaming who's Ruth and you thought Ruth was the cow No, you know, you thought the talking cows, you know who I thought was Ruth the animal that hasn't been mentioned yet I don't know if it gets mentioned in this review. I don't remember It's a lemur in a cage, Christina. And it talks? No, it's a lemur. You told me, but I think before you read this review, that there was a lemur in a cage somewhere on this property. And so I said, is Ruth the lemur? I think. And this is her attic. Yeah, this feels like a Nick Jr. show.

Wow, Ruth's attic. It's a little lemur. OK, wow. But don't get it twisted. She doesn't talk. I think I kept getting confused between animals and talking animals because there is a talking cow. And Alexander did ask me about that and I said there's really not much context to the

talking cow. Apparently it has kind of a racist accent a lot of people say and it basically tells the childhood story of Billy Graham in like the fashion as if they were his nanny or something but it's a cow. It's all very strange. Like need I remind you? Don't forget. Yeah, so anyway, point being there is a talking cow.

I don't even know how into it I got on this. Not into it. How into it I got. How you got into this. How like, no, no, how in depth I went about the talking cow, but that's what I recall Okay, sorry There is no trip to the beach ballgame or other advertised outing that can beat the talking cow purring cat

Billy's and Ruth story Ruth's attic and oh so much more if you get anywhere near Charlotte, North Carolina and don't go to Billy Graham Library, well, all I can tell you is you really have missed the best time of your traveling life. And to top it all off, when my grandpa told me the best things in life were free, he knew what he was talking about because it doesn't cost anything.

Have fun. End of review. Yeah, I don't think I read that one on stage. Just your sanity. No, I think you did. Just your stage. No, I think you did. No, I think you did. Oh, you do. It's definitely familiar. Oh, yeah. OK. Yeah. That was at the talking cow.

That's well, no, because we talked about I said, who's Ruth? Oh, right. And if you want an extra woohoo time, I feel like that must maybe we just blacked that part out. And yeah, I don't know. I feel like that whole thing is worthy of blacking out, you know? I think we should probably try and forget it as well. Okay, I'm gonna go to Denver. This is, I have a couple reviews of with an owner response. I'm gonna read both of them. These were sent in by Tracy in January of 2021, who said these are of Buffalo Bill's wings and things, but it's at a specific location,

7236 East Colfax, Denver. It does not exist anymore. And it's not to be confused with the cap hill location, which quote steals their name and menu. So this place feels like its own thing. I don't know what's going on. Wow. There's like a beef. Get it already. But it does not exist anymore. So here's Buffalo. So that we know who vanquished whom. Yeah, exactly. And here and maybe this owner, you'll see why. This owner response. Yeah, you'll see one star. Wings were dry, said four pounds of wings, more like four wings

got my order wrong and shorted shorted me two pops worst experience ever The highlight was the delivery guy. He was quick never again and a review and here is the owner response Thank you for your opinion a little bit of a drama king. Don't you think and Jesus Christ a drama king. I totally forgot about drama king. That's so silly. I love that they're like, well, let me get this straight. I mean, like, take a little zoom in on your profile. Figure out, oh, God,

I wouldn't want to call you a drama queen. Yeah, and there wasn't even that much drama. Okay, they did say worst experience ever, which is a little dramatic, but... A slightly hyperpublic. So maybe a little bit of a drama king. is another one the one star review followed by an owner response here's the review such a nasty place we went to place it to go order and had to wait 35 minutes for 20 wings and then when we received them they were

dried out and had hair in them they weren't even busy or anything when I drove back to return them the cashier just told me to leave. No parking, service sucks and nasty food. End of review. And here's the response from the owner. Idiot, the cook is bald. It was probably yours. There's a lot of haters like you trying to bring down our business, but it won't happen. We're going 20 years strong. Must be doing something right. Loser. End of response. And they are no longer going strong. No, it's too bad, huh? No, I know with all the fiber of my being that I said on stage to the same comment, which just popped into my head, which is this sounds like a plot point in Monk where he like figures out the cook, the chef is bald and like, there's no way it was his hair.

You know, like it feels like such like a bizarre, like Sherlock Holmes, like mystery. Like this reviewer got caught in the lie. Yeah, and like, I bet you the guy only hires bald people. He's like, yeah, I can't have, because we can't have anyone finding hair in the food. We have to say they're bald. Oh God.

Wait, you don't even have to hire a bald guy. You can just say. Yeah, that's the thing is the way this person responded to reviews, I wouldn't be surprised if there isn't a single bald person. But he probably makes everybody have a razor on hand in case like he says, oh he's bald and then the health inspector comes in and you're like be bald real quick. Go be bald. Here is another one of the Billy Graham library. Five stars because apparently those were the most troubling ones for some weird weird. I can't quite figure out. We just returned home from the library where we were thrilled with the way they put it together. We toured it twice to make sure that we didn't miss anything.

We loved the cow. And all the beautiful rooms that told of Billy's ministry. What a great man of God he is. You couldn't leave a room without knowing how to accept Christ. That really meant a lot to us. I was saved through a televised meeting where Billy Graham talked about salvation when I was a teenager. I am now 70 and my husband is 71 and he was saved as a young man.

The boyhood home was great, the grounds were breathtaking and the grave sites were lovely. Thank you for letting us share them. We ate at the restaurant there and had sandwiches and milkshakes. To sum it up, we love Jesus Christ. I have never heard this review in my life. I think maybe I didn't read this. I had so many of them. I tried to remember which ones I had read, but here's a surprise.

Here's a new one. Anyway, yeah. To sum it up, we love Jesus Christ. That just feels like the new Fox News slogan. Just like fucking slapping on a stick. But you know, I find this review ridiculous if they didn't have all that lead up. And then they just said, we love Jesus Christ. Like, either way way it's ridiculous. If that's your like big conclusion,

either way that review's gonna be a disaster. Yeah, this is my thesis name, it just doesn't. Anyway, to sum it up, we love Jesus Christ. We love Billy and we were very inspired when we visited the library and grounds. It was the week of his 95th birthday and we were so blessed to meet the manager and receive a large colored book of Billy Graham's life. We will always treasure it.

End of review. That was not a sum up. Sorry. The kids kept going. Oh, by the way. Yeah, that was just a second paragraph. It just kept going. I was like, oh, that's not really what was happening.

In summary, they've got a coloring book of Billy Graham color. What? Well, no, they said a colored book, which I was like, what the fuck? I think they mean a coloring book, right? They have to. Well, they said a large, I thought they meant like a colored images, like a-

I see, I see. You know what I mean? Like a photograph, something like that. Billy Graham Bookstore does in fact sell a live it out Bible story coloring book. Okay, but like how large is it? Because this one was large. It said large? Okay.

She said a very large book. Okay, then nevermind. Oh no, I'm sorry. She said we received a large colored book of Billy Graham's life. So I think it's just illustrated. I think she means an illustrated book on his life. Which I feel like... Oh God. Sorry. All these like thrifted...

thriftbooks.com Billy Graham books with his big head on them. Oh my goodness. Yeah, he's a weirdo. Yeah. Wow. I am unfortunately on the, on Ruth's attic at the Billy Graham bookstore website. Ruth's attic. And their symbol is like this really weird. Limer? Like very, it's a mouse with glasses. It's a mouse.

Okay. So now we've got a talking cow. We've got a lemur in a cage and a mouse with glasses. It's a mouse. Okay, so now we've got a talking cow. We've got a lemur in a cage and a mouse in glasses. I need to move on from that. Are we doing a fucking Ringling Brothers Act over here? I'm moving on. I'm going to Atlanta. More like Ruth's circus set.

Am I right? You're so right. My next one is an Atlanta review. I'm doing a five star because we could use it right now. OK, this is of the Georgia Aquarium. Here we go. Two words, whale shark. These guys have a freaking whale shark to top it off. You can swim with the dude. What?

OK, you need to book it a little in advance, but you can do that on the website. It's two hundred thirty five dollars. But two hundred thirty five dollars for a lifetime experience you'll never forget. Worth it. There's so many other animals in there and all the aquariums are really cool. I really enjoyed my time here. And this would be an unforgettable experience for every child. Make sure you get your tickets in advance online and review. Wow. That one does like is a pick me up for sure. You can swim with the dude.

How crazy is that? Okay, but can I say two theories? One, this guy is the whale shark. Bring your kids. This whale shark's like, please, I need company. That's so sad. No, the whale shark's like, yum yum, I need children. Okay, well, you're saying. I have a feeling if the whale shark's like, yum yum, I need... Okay, well, I have a feeling if

this whale shark had eaten one child, this would not be something that continues to happen. That's what I'm saying is that the fucking whale shark is like, the people at the front desk are gonna say no, no, there you cannot swim with the whale shark. But no, no, trust me. Oh, so this isn't even the thing that you can do. No, no, the whale shark, but no no trust me Oh right here right here. This isn't even the thing that you can do No, no, the whale shark is just lying. He got his hands on a Phone a burner phone and he tweeted He tweeted to his friend to post that on yelp. Oh he tweeted too He uses his burner phone to send out a tweet

He tweeted to use this burner phone to send out a tweet so that his friend you can do it via text. That's why I said, Oh, it's like, at least you could in 2012. Well first he texted Cha Cha to say, how do I do this? And then that part was boring. I didn't want to go. That was a boring part. The important part is that maybe this is only my first theory. This reviewer is the whale shark and he's just calling out, making a call out for more

people to jump in the shark. You know what? I think I'm going to go ahead and accept that first one so we don't have to hear the rest and say, you're right. That's good because I don't remember it. Okay. This. But no, that was actually like a very happy review. I, uh,

the whale shark one made me so happy. Just like two words, whale shark. And here's a bunch of other words that just elaborate on that. You can swim with the dude. I mean, that's pretty kick ass. That is pretty cool. Okay. So this is Salt Lake City. Oh man, that was one of my favorites. I really felt like we had a wild time there. I don't know. The reviews from, yeah, there's no telling why,

but the reviews from Salt Lake City are a little extra spicy sometimes. Yeah, I feel like- They just have like an extra je ne sais quoi about them. Because Salt Lake City itself is not a spicy place unless... Well, it is a spicy place. It is in certain places. Like it's it's.

Half and half, and so both halves, half is not spicy. Well, I think spicy is where I think I switched the meaning of spicy. OK, what I'm saying is, what I'm saying is a lot of, like you're saying, a lot of the Utah reviews are like a little, you-hoo. And then you were sort of saying, what were you saying then? So I wouldn't use spicy for that. I know. I like kind of miss by I was like oh I changed the meaning of spicy in my head because I was like that's not well

because half the city is Mormon and like a lot of them are very like like it'd be more than I was like they're not spicy right they're very white yes yeah the opposite of spicy bland yeah or just this mean. I don't want to be like mean about it. Yeah. Very like traditional conservative white. I'll be not nice about it. Mormonism sucks. So then there's another. I'm going to kick it right in the ass. Kick it right in the ass. Joseph Smith, I'm coming for you. No, then there's like, because of how not spicy, a big chunk is the the the spicy part of Utah

is especially spicy is how I like the fun part it gets condensed because they're like, we are we need to be we need to make up for all those not spicy people. That's exactly it. Like the it's like a Mecca in the middle of like kind of Utah, which gets such a bad rep. Yeah. I feel like Salt Lake is such a cool place. I don't know. It's so surprising to me because there's so many people and like in the cloud, you, you said something like,

how far can we go with like the Mormon stuff or whatever? And I think someone just yelled out all the way or something. Yeah. Yeah. They were like, please. But yeah, it's, and that, I've said this before, I think about like places that are more conservative like areas, the places that are more that are welcoming and have they have like, they make it sure that it's extra known that they're welcoming. I mean, think of like Austin, you know, yeah, for people who, like, especially like LGBTQ plus community, like in Salt Lake, there whenever we would walk by places, I mean, it was during Pride when we went last year, but even now, it's just very like, yeah.

It just feels, it has a different vibe than the reputation of Utah gets for a lot of reasons. And like certain areas like LA and New York, like bigger areas, it's like, oh, it's kind of expected that these places are- I mean, they're like dry counties in Utah. Exactly. And Salt Lake is like you can get

any other than it being like a hundred and five degrees when we were there yeah that part was not great I was like I thought I was up high in a mountain they were like you are not you are dumb okay so here is except they would never say that because they're lovely this is I know right what am I thinking this is a review I was and I hope you remember this. Antelope Island State Park. I read ones from there too. So I forget which one yours. Oh, I do remember.

Oh, I remember what was going on here. I think you'll remember. Although then I get confused because I'm like, wait a minute, there's also all that shit about, what should I call it? Oh, you remember, I know you remember this one. I was gonna say there's also the other one I read about, uh, like falling off a cliff. So, you know, there's quite a few, uh,

memorable stories in these park reviews. This one had a group of creatures that, uh, quite unexpected. I think I'm excited. And it's not antelopes. And it's not antelopes. You can expect those. Okay. This is a one-star review by Carrie. I'm not even sure where to begin when it comes to the list of reasons one should avoid this godforsaken place the state of Utah refers to as a park. I looked at photos of Antelope Island online because I was trying to find a location to have my bridal photo shoot that had a beach feel to it.

Okay, at this point in the show, the audience was like, uh, like bad idea. You know, we were getting like the, oh. Like people already knew. The Great Salt Lake. This is like, it's not even an island. It's, but it juts out, I think, into the Great Salt Lake. This is like a, it's not even an island. It's, um, but it juts out, I think into the Great Salt Lake,

which from all the reviews I've read is notorious for smelling bad, uh, and having a shit ton of bugs. And remember what other thing you learned about it? What? The, uh, arsenic dust. Oh yeah. The clouds of some sort of dust. That's right. I think it was arsenic dust and everyone in clouds of some sort of dust that's right I think it was arsenic and everyone in the audience was like yeah of course or something I don't know now it's not cyanide was it rap was it like not sulfur but like I don't know the sulfur is probably what smells yeah I think that you know what

these people probably know because this is the episode we actually released, isn't it? I just remember. Oh, wait a minute. Yeah shit. They've heard this before. Oh, well here it again. Oh, well, you have to hear it again I'm sorry and Probably we said like probably live episodes people love that one Like I saw lots of positive comments about it, but I'm sure some people skip live episodes So well those were for me I said those comments to you Okay, here we go

So she's trying to have a bridal photo shoot But how to this feels now like we're we are outside of the jokes Andy because it's like they just heard the episode where we Just talked about this and you and I don't remember what the conversation was We could just be fucking like repeating the same comment. I mean this obviously not, this is new and fresh and spicy. Well, only one way to find out. Okay, here we go. That Antelope, I wanted a photo shoot that had beach feel

but was not crowded like the nearby reservoirs. I chose to ignore the many warnings people gave me regarding the bug infestation that Antelope Island has and opted to have my photo shoot there anyways. We should have turned around when we were greeted by an adult male dressed as a vampire. That got everyone by surprise. They all thought, oh, we know what this review is going to be about, and then vampire. Everything we read, I was like, okay, okay. Huh?

I was like, yeah, that really so out of left field. And how does this bring? I think everyone at one star and not like bring it up. I know you got to at least up it for the vampire. Come on. Dress as a vampire, cloak, face paint, fangs and all. I'm still unclear as to why him and his large group looked like that, but nevertheless, we proceeded to the gate. One very miserable woman barked orders that we needed to pay

a $50 photo fee. Mind you, this was not mentioned anywhere on the website, otherwise we would not be allowed into the park." And I think at this point I said something like, there are fucking three warnings now. Your friends warned you not to go. There were vampires at the entrance gate. And now this fucking woman is like, you may not enter. And you're still like, no, I have to get in there. Like the universe is trying so hard to stop you.

Doing what it can for you. It's doing what it can. Yes, really, your guardian angels are turning into vampires and summoning cranky ladies. Like they're trying. Doing their best. One very miserable woman barked orders at us or else we would not be allowed in the park. I hesitantly paid the woman my money and asked if we could please hurry the process up

because the sun was beginning to set. She allowed us to and that's the vampires. I know. I hate this because I know I just said that last time. What I thought of now is that I'm not sure if I thought of is like, well, we probably did talk about this. They're eating the bugs, you know, the bats. Oh, no, they turn into bats. They don't eat bats.

Weirdo. No, no, they eat the bugs. Oh, they eat the bugs. As the bats. Yeah, no, they turn into bats and then become and then eat the bugs. So they're there. I thought they want blood. Maybe both. Oh,'re there to feast. I thought they want blood. Maybe both.

Ooh, ooh la la. Not when a woman in a white bridal gown showed up, they were like, all right. Straight out of some music video or something. I don't know. It feels like it. A bride and a vampire, like come on. It feels very Pete Wentz coded.

Anyway, here we go. Buh buh buh buh. I hesitantly paid the one my money, I'm sorry, Pete Wentz coated. Anyway, here we go. But but but but. Uh, did it, otherwise, I hesitantly paid the one my money, asked me to please hurry the process up because the sun was beginning to set. She allowed us to proceed and cautioned us that the park would have a lot of traffic

and be quote, very buggy. The term buggy does not even begin to describe the nightmare I was about to endure. We drove about a quarter of a mile into the park and found what appeared to be a nice, destitute beach on the side of the road. It was at about that same time that everyone in the car realized the horrendous odor of buffalo manure so bad my one friend began to dry heave. I opened the car door while dressed in my wedding gown

and felt like I got punched in the face with a giant turd. I began gagging. My sister who had just had her deviated septum face two weeks prior felt such a horrible burning sensation in her nose that it began to bleed profusely. She's post-surgery. Oh my God, I can't believe you're doing this to your sister. You were warned.

You were warned so many times. I know. Like, get this, if you're still thinking I'm being hard on her, listen to the next sentence. I, however, was on a mission. This is after saying her scissors and nose is fucking bleeding profusely. I however was on a mission to get my bridal photos taken, so I proceeded to head down to the beach with my friend holding my train behind me.

I just picture like a trail of blood on the dress. It's just like the- With like bits of bugs in there too? Wait a minute. Her nose is bleeding. There's vampires afoot. Oh, right. blood like on the dress you know like bits of bugs in there too wait a minute her nose is bleeding there's vampires afoot oh true this is this is the start of a Stephanie Myers knockoff I swear to God we arrived to the beach before my photographer as she was too busy vomiting on the side of the road due to

the horrendous odor. As I approached what appeared to be sand, I realized it was moving. There were that many bugs. I instantly began to run away in a circle with my friend behind me, attempting to hold up my train. It's just deeply unhinged. It didn't take long until I realized there was no escaping this bug-ridden hell I had just entered. So I turned around to see my friend staring at me eye to eye.

This struck me as odd because I am five foot three inches tall and she is five foot 10 inches tall. Turns out we were not in sand rather we were on a beach Oh manure. My mother was the first one to come to this. Her mother's like buried in the new fact that this reviews gets worse and worse and worse and worse and worse so many but so many opportunities To leave or to just not even choose this, you know what? You know, it'd be worse if somebody was filming this happening. You're so right that always applies

We could always I want to see it so badly I do wish that this one had some foot. That would be delightful. Although she's painting a wonderful picture. I have to give her credit. Oh, right. Now they're sinking into the manure. Apparently her friend has sunk seven inches into the manure. If I'm doing the math properly, which I think I am, my mother was the first one to come to this conclusion. What if it said my mother was the first one to meet her fate? And I love how it's not the friend that sunk seven inches that realized it. I feel like you just weren't fucking listening. That's probably it. Or you were like, it's fine.

I just want my bridal photos because it feels like a lot of people have figured it out. But I don't know. OK. My mother was the first one to come to this conclusion and as she began screaming we're in manure! I tried to pull my dear friend from the hole she was slowly sinking into. Needless to say we all made it out alive, some a little lighter from losing our lunch, and others from being barefoot due to losing their shoes to the BHO manure. The oh-so-kind woman at the gate gave us a refund and we were able to get some beautiful photos of me in a gown at a nearby bugless

and odorless park. Insert my commentary that you should have gone to to begin with. So if you are looking to clear your sinuses I guess the nine dollar entrance fee to this park is much cheaper than going to the local Walmart to get some decongestant but that's about the only reason I'd visit Antelope Island um wow wow I am also shocked they got a refund because this lady literally told them so about the bugs and stuff. Like you were warned at the gate. I told you so moment ever. Yeah. And still was like, here's your money back. That is I mean, honestly, though, picture the blood picture,

the bridal gown covered in dirt, poop, picture the mother having passed in the vampires lurking in the trees watching like she would be just throwing her whole wallet at them get out of here that's true wow this really it just I I forgot I skimmed it last night was like oh yeah this was I forgot just just how bad I remember the vampires I forgot and I remembered like a bit of the bugs obviously but I forgot I forgot the nose bleed. I forgot the manure. Like it just got really bad, really fast. It just didn't stop. Yeah. I just kept getting worse.

I have a Cincinnati review and I had read a review of Skyline Chili, but then I also read, which if you don't know is Cincinnati Chili, which is a spaghetti with a, I'll call it a chili, but it's like a meat sauce. That's like kind of sweet because it has cinnamon and like chocolate, I think a little bit. I don't really know. And then neon yellow cheese on top. That's Skyline Chili, Cincinnati Chili. This is of a one star review of the Skyline original chili pouch, 14 ounces on Amazon. It's literally a pouch that has contain, it's a microwavable pouch that contains the chili and the noodles already in them and you throw it in the microwave for two minutes. I know I reacted this way on stage but like yikes no

and I wasn't positive if the noodles were actually in there because it all it says is no cheese and then we saw them at jungle gyms sure enough if you look at the bottom it's like clear there are noodles there's actually two versions yeah on the bottom it's clear if you look at the bottom, it's like there are new there's actually two versions. Yeah, on the bottom, it's clear. So you can see the noodles in there. I think they have ones with noodles and one without microwavable pouches. If you buy a giant wine blanket, and just toss it over that so I never have to look at it. That's probably smart. It's it's it is foul. Here's a one star review.

And by the way, I like Skyline Chili, so that is not a compliment. No, I forget what that guy said there. Yeah. One-star. This is a disgusting representation of Skyline Chili. Skyline Chili is also a disgusting representation of what chili can be, end of review. And while I'm here, I might as well give my even broader statement.

Yeah, it's a similar thing where it's like, this is a disgusting review of Skyline Chili and that's saying something considering I think Skyline Chili is a disgusting representation of chili. It's just the whole concept. And then considering that chili is an abomination because I'm a vegetarian, it's like, okay, well, this just keeps getting layered and layered and layered. No, yeah, I can't say I disagree.

I know you can't eat the cheese anymore Zanny, but man, I love that cheese. Something about it. Okay, this is a review of the Piddick Mansion in Portland. Nice. So I talked to you after, it wasn't after the show, it was like a little while later, like a few days or weeks later. And you said, wait a minute, I went to the Piddick Mansion or maybe it was

the next day, but you said like you realized after the show that you had. Was it not during the show? Maybe was after the show. No, it was it was either the day after or like maybe just that night. I had a moment where I looked it up and thought, oh, wait, I've been there. D.O.P. and I went there. I don't remember. You're right though. It may have been like after I read the first review and then like you figured it out.

It was like later beyond hearing this I think. We like toured the whole thing, walked through the whole thing and did the whole thing, looked at the grounds and everything and it didn't click that I had been there. Well, with that knowledge now, Zandi, you can hear this review and picture yourself there. You know what I mean? Like really put yourself in the shoes of this person. This is our one star review of the Piddick Mansion by Kayla. The mansion itself is beautiful, but the staff are uppity snobs. I found out they had an old working elevator, and I wanted to go for a ride in it. They told me no, because they

don't want to use it unless they have to, which is understandable. However, apparently a lady on the second floor needed a lift down for medical reasons and since the elevator was going up I don't see why I couldn't just go with the lady operating it. The same lady that just told me no, she trotted over and hopped inside the thing, closing the door with me standing on the other side of the door, and then went up. As if that's like the most... Could you imagine like what... Everything else would be weird. And then called the police because I am so... behaving so improperly. Yeah, I... Wow. improperly. Yeah, I Wow. I a lot of that review gets me but I think specifying medical reasons, which by the way, I should say, need to lift down parentheses for medical reasons.

So it's sort of like, oh, by the way, if you're wondering, she had a medical issue and needed the elevator. But anyway, I should have been able to write it. It's like there's no awareness. It's wild. It's like, if it's going anyway, why not? Why not? That's, that's not how this works. Why not me? I'm just a girl banging on the elevator while you go up. Also, I love the idea that like, you've been told no, then there's a medical emergency, the lady who said no gets on the elevator, and then you're already on the other side of the door and she shuts it.

It feels like a horror movie, like a thriller. You're chasing her down and she slams the door with you on the other side and then goes up like, phew, I lost her. I just picture her putting like her arm in. It's like, no, it's an old fashioned, you can't, it doesn't work like that. Okay. The same lady that just told me no trotted on over

and hopped inside the thing, closing the door with me standing on the other side of the door and then went up, but I wasn't allowed to go too? Sorry, but I don't look like a terrorist nor am I scraggly or overweight I forgot about this part insane from terrorists I was like is this done is it done what else is there oh my god I forgot about the tears they just don't stop yeah oh, I forgot she brought up terrorists in this review for that's insane. And then oh, then I think I said on stage, I was like, what kind of terrorist is targeting the elevator in the mansion anyway, like, Fashioned like hand crank. I know it's not

As if that's why like yeah, like oh don't like don't worry. I know you're all thinking it It's not because I look like a terrorist. It's like you all think I look like a terrorist now I know there are other valid reasons why you would write a lot on this elevator that have not believe it or not Nothing to do with terrorism. I feel like I know it's hard to believe I feel like Kayla Just can't read the room. Also her profile photo is a picture I remember telling you this a picture of a calzone with an American flag Yes. Yeah, so if I don't know what that tells you but everything everything Everything you need to know

Sorry, but I don't look like a terrorist, nor am I scraggly or overweight. I don't understand their opposition to me writing it. That really turned me off of the place, and my overall opinion is not a good one OF the staff. The mansion's cool, not as big as you'd think, and the views from inside looking out are amazing. No photography with flash allowed inside. End of review.

Well, maybe for you. You're probably not allowed inside at all to be quite right. But I love how they add a little kernel of, oh yeah, here's something actually helpful. Here's my manifesto about not being able to ride the elevator. Oh, by the way, you can't use flash inside and there's some great views. My manifesto. I'm not a terrorist, but here's my manifesto. Insane. Insane. Oh god, that kills me.

Are you almost done? How many more do you have? I have one more. Okay, then I'll do one more. Okay, so I'm going to go back to our St. Louis show because I have a nice a couple of quick reviews with owner responses that are very important. So here's a two star review of Uranus, Missouri town center. This is a town in Missouri named Uranus. Yeah, I'm just gonna leave it at that. Here's a two star review with an owner response. This review is written by Alex. This place has potential, but right now it needs improvements. And then the Uranus, Missouri town center owner responded, we are always cramming new stuff into Uranus, Alex. That's like the best cheap joke sign off ever.

Like if this were by like uncle or parent or somebody I'd be like, you know what? I gotta hand it to you. That is as far as dad jokes It's not the worst. Yeah We're cramming stuff especially in response to a negative review always cramming new stuff into Uranus Alex That's nuts. And then here's another three. Here's a three-star review with owner response That's nuts. And then here's another three, here's a three star review with owner response. Uranus was a funny stop on our way home from a trip. The town center was being further developed at the time of our stop.

We had a wiener and ice cream while there. We also did the mini golf. The water features weren't running at the course and the food was okay. Everyone working was friendly and full of puns. End of review. Yeah, that's part of the training. Guaranteed the manual has like you have to memorize them. And then here's a response from owner.

We had a slight glitch at putt pirates, but never figure the water is flowing in Uranus again. Thanks for sinking your balls into our putt holes. End of your story. Oh my god, so it gets like dirty. Like I thought like, oh funny, it just is kind of like poop themes, but then it's like, no, it gets like sexual. I guess cramming stuff into your anus is pretty sexual as well. I think we need to go do a full episode on this fucking place, because there's so many different first attractions. I mean, honestly, it's like shockingly zinger after zinger.

Like I feel like all of those were excellent. And there were so many more. Like I had more. I think I had at least two more in my notes in case I like last minute decided to do one of those instead. And the layers of like the fact that they have a place called Putt Pirates. Oh yeah, they fully, well their main thing that they have a place called Putt Pirates. Oh yeah they fully, well their

main thing that they sell, I didn't even mention, is fudge. Oh wait the town? Yeah that's like the big fudge factory. There's like this whole fudge place that's there. Uranus fudge, this is crazy. I mean wow. Those are just something anyway so Uran a nice fudge It's just like one of those jokes that went way too far, you know, yeah Like it got out of hand and suddenly they had a payroll What happened and an email signature it all just went but I imagine they don't have much of an HR. Oh Yeah, no, no, no, they had to abolish that lots of lawyers. No HR though Exactly No, no, no, they had to abolish that. Lots of lawyers, no HR though. Exactly. OK, this is a review from D.C.

So if we did our math, we do geography correctly, we should have done all cities. If we missed years, we hate your time. Because we know I'm dead serious. We might have forgotten one. But if we did, if we did or like I skipped over one or something. I'm sorry. I but I don't think so. If we did, or I skipped over one or something. I'm sorry. I promise it wasn't intentional.

This is from Michelle and Andy, and it's of Presidential Limo DC. Oh my gosh. Okay. I just had to bring it. It's only one, because there were quite a lot I brought to the show. Yeah, I was going to say, this was a whole thing. Yeah, it was a segment. And here I had written for the show, it wasandi, do you remember that yellow cab Yelp page

from like a few years back? I think it was Salt Lake. And it had like 1.8 stars. Well this company has 1.1 stars, which I believe might be the lowest ever for that with a bunch of reviews with like several right the lowest average, at least that I've ever seen. I mean, I think sure some places have all ones, but you know, this one had 1.1. So here we go.

This is the initial complaint, and this was actually posted on TrustPilot. Oh, and remember Zini, the banner of the Yale page, it was like two pictures of the featured photos. It was like this, like sexy chauffeur guy. Well, yeah, first there's this guy who's like clearly an actor and it's like a stock photo and he's like All tan and but like he looks like he's gonna be Chippendale or something and he's driving this this car

and then the two next photos ever of our are of heels like Louboutins with Engagement ring like hanging off the stiletto. Yeah, so I don't know why, but that's, and then 1.1 stars. It's just really a beautiful photo, you know, beautiful tableau. So this is the initial complaint, but this is from TripAdvisor. I rented a limo for my mom's 90th birthday to take us to a show and back home again on April 23, 2023. A week before the event, my credit card was charged $995.

The person I booked with stated we would receive water and ice, but could bring other drinks with us. I called to confirm the day before the event and the man I spoke to, manager, owner, was rude and cussed me out stating they were too busy in the warehouse to deal with customers. He then ended the conversation by telling me to fuck off and hung up on me. I had already paid for the limo and didn't want to lose that money so I called back and apologized, not sure for what, to make sure they would show up the next day. I spoke to the same person who

stated that they were tired of people calling them rude, well, if the shoe fits, if the lube-a-ton fits. On the day of our event, the driver was rude and fussed at my 90-year-old dad, who was hard of hearing and was short with everyone. We asked him if we could put music on, which he didn't do, and all they provided were small bottles of warm water. We all tried our best to be cordial and appreciative because we didn't want to be stranded in DC the way other people in the reviews indicated they were, at which point I had to catch everyone up that yes, this company frequently leaves people on the side of the freeway so often so that the police are very familiar with calls about this company. That's so insane.

Yes, there are literally attachments. People were putting police reports. I was like, this is out of control. And I was very disappointed. I didn't hear anyone in the audience be like, let me tell my tale. Yeah, give me a mic. I would have given them a mic if no questions asked. Okay. So they are, I love also by the way that they already read the reviews and they're like,

oh, this could go really bad. They knew what they were potentially getting into. Yes. That was the extra scary of two 90 year olds in the car and you're like, well, they don't know that I read Yelp. They don't know what Yelp is. Like now I have to try and get us out of being stranded on the freeway. Okay, here we go.

We tried our best to be cordial and appreciative because we didn't want to be stranded in DC the way other people in reviews indicated they were. I didn't reach back out to the company for any type of resolution because I believe the person who cussed me out is the owner and I certainly didn't want to be cussed out again. And in looking at other reviews for this company,

they are not a good company and something should be done about them. They took what should have been a great evening and ruined it for us. It's our 90th, there's not that many left. I mean, even in the, she's already beating the law of averages. It's so sad.

So, I mean, how could you? Ugh, so sad. Okay, so this is the response from owner because this is why I was particularly drawn to this company in the worst way, as one might be to a traffic accident after somebody dumped a bunch of people on the freeway. Okay, this is a business response from owner.

And remember this is on TrustPilot. So like, it feels extra intentional that they go in here. Doesn't it a little bit? Like I feel like Google will like email you and stuff. It feels different. So here's their response. Wendy is nothing but a pathetic liar and a waste in this society.

I can't believe. Oh yeah, it starts off strong and it gets just so much worse. And a waste in this society. I can't believe that she is wasting our time with her stupidity. By the way, I love that she says, he says our time like, right guys? Yeah, come on everybody. Okay, this isn't about us. I can't believe she's wasting our time with her stupidity. Here are the facts. 1. Of course this stupid woman was charged because she made the reservation.

2. No one cursed this lousy and lying woman. 3. Ice and bottled water was supplied and it is automatic at every job. 4. She received the guaranteed white limo that we charge an extra $100 for for free. 5. She called back and for for free. 5. She called back and apologized for her rudeness.

No one needs to be rude with us as we have zero tolerance for that. Passengers has all the control for the music. Bluetooth was already set up. All they had to do was connect it. Connecting it is not the driver's job. 7. The stupid father opened the door while the limo was still in motion. Of course, any driver would get mad after he explicitly explained the rules to them.

Maybe they should have put the old fucker somewhere else and not by the door. Now they're blaming the family for placing him in the wrong spot. We have zero tolerance for rudeness here. Exactly. By the way. The old fucker. I mean, I cannot believe it. And I love how Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra- Tra Yeah, we'll let you say your piece. It seems like it's very valuable things, but yeah Yeah, just like for decency sake they should have put the old fuckers somewhere else and not by the door eight this woman

This stupid woman is a total liar a trash and a waste of time per our driver They had a great time. Yeah, because they felt like kidnapping victims and they didn't want to get stranded on the freeway. And they were smiling along like, yeah, we're having a great time. Wasting time. You keep using the same insults over and over again. Like move on. Give us more info.

Why are you writing like a 12-bulleted list about this? Okay. Nine, he had our top chauffeur and unfortunately some dumbass people can't see the value because they are not used to such a professional service nothing like calling nothing like professional service calling its customers oh my god yeah they have zero tolerance for this is the wildest thing customers Yeah, they have zero tolerance for this is the wildest thing I ever heard Okay, it gets worse

They're not using profession Ted this stupid bitch should also go back and read all our five-star reviews. There are not I believe There are none. I believe it 11. Sorry. We are not for every old fart That's how I know he wasn't saying fart fart A lot, okay, he does that's true, but this one doesn't have a stress. So, you know 12 people like her should go to hell and that's it But like and the wildest part, Alexander, which I think it didn't really occur to me till now, unless I said it back then, which then it did occur to me,

but it's occurring to me again now, which is that he writes all these responses and they're all really similar, but they're all different. It's not like he's copy and pasting things, you know? It's almost like he just has these same arguments in his head Yeah, and he's like and another thing Like we don't accept rude and like he said that in different ways in every response and it was like you clearly have this As like a mantra, but it doesn't really mean what you think it means

And I bet uses the same insults over and over again. Yeah, it feels like it's just part of his head Can't it's so scary to be in the, I do not want to, I don't want anyone to be in this person's head, including this person. I feel like they deserve to get out of their head a little bit. Yeah, they should take a, what was that one when we did travel agents and it was like,

sounds like you need a vacation. You should book one with us. Yes. Sounds like you need a, it sounds like you need to take a white limo to the movies, take your gal out on the town, have that great driver that you trust so much drive you to the movies and maybe you can have a lukewarm water and a romantic evening. Well, as long as the driver though has a good time, I think that's what really matters at the end of the day.

Oh yeah. And you've, you've always said that. Yeah. So, Hey, this driver is having a blast. I mean, their boss is an asshole to the customers so that they can, they're leading by example. So this driver's just gets, yeah, I read on one review that this driver has 11 different names he uses because he doesn't want to be called out. So, you know, it sounds like he's living every life he could possibly want.

He's used every... Every version of himself. There are like 12 total drivers. He uses everyone else's name but his own. Yeah, yeah. So it never comes back to him. Oh, God. He's like, he's our best driver because we've never had a complaint.

But weird, he's also never logged a driver Anyway, thank you everybody for listening to our best of tour or maybe worst of tour We appreciate you and anyone who came to these shows. We were so happy to have you in the crowd We had the best best time every show was a riot. I don't truly I disliked any show or had a mediocre time at any show any sort of like recap we did like either with with our manager with people it was always like the show itself was always so much fun like any issues that came up had nothing to do with the crowd for the parking the merch didn't you room for the parking, the merch didn't work. Just stuff that's logistical. There was some logistic things that just went wrong, but not enough to sour any experience. I thought I had the point of the past.

Never anything about the shows, which is of course the most important part. I had so much fun. Except there was one show or two where we didn't have merch because it got stuck in the mail. Oh yeah, true. I mean, that was nobody's fault. But we did fire all those people at the US Postal Service. Yeah, don mean that was nobody's fault. Yeah. But we did fire all those people at the guest postal service. So, you know.

Yeah, don't worry. It's just collateral damage. There was justice in the end. That's what matters. That's what matters. The driver's happy and we got justice, so. But yeah, we'd like to think we hopefully sold well enough where we can do another tour next year maybe.

That would be great. Oh, we would love to. Because I miss it already. And yeah. I do too. Oh wait, no I don't. I'm going again I was going to say you're about to go on tour again. Remind me that I said I miss it. You wanted this. You wanted this! Go to ATW.

And that's why we drink.com. Tour or something. Live. Go to that's why I drink why drink calm Tickets on sale. I'm going to at least one of them into some of the shows one. Yeah, it's a roulette. It's a surprise Yeah, after all this travel this summer. I'm like do not I cannot do that I know you're like I don't want to necessarily hop on a last-minute flight Yeah, cuz I did that at the beginning of the year tonight or our last tour of yours I just like flew to random ones. You went to a couple that were kind of like

Because you went up to Minneapolis and- Oh yeah, I went to the LA show as well. And then last year I went to the Vegas show, which was random. So many random- I was like, come to Vegas with me. That's how random it was. That was so much fun.

But anyway, anyway. So yeah, I'll go to some of them. And then excited to talk to you all on our next tour next year, hopefully. Fingers crossed crossed and we'll talk to you in. Oh, yeah Maybe also next hopefully both. Okay. Bye Bye!