Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 310: Reviews of Arcades

Episode Date: November 6, 2024

You better not give us a one-star review, because we saw you give Arby's a five... Ad-free listening and full video episodes! https://www.patreon.com/beachtoosandy Watch clips of your favorite moments! https://www.youtube.com/beachtoosandywatertoowet Take a look at this merch! https://www.beachtoosandy.store Watch videos from our episodes on TikTok! https://tiktok.com/@beachtoosandy Xtine's Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/shop/thextinefiles Xandy's stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's hockey season, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get an ice rink on Uber Eats. But iced tea, ice cream, or just plain old ice? Yes, we deliver those. Goaltenders, no. But chicken tenders, yes. Because those are groceries, and we deliver those too.

Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Your group photos are likely missing someone important. You. With AdMe on the new Google Pixel 9 Pro, never rely on a stranger again. Add yourself to any group photo through the magic of AI. Get yours with TELUS at TELUS.com slash Pixel 9 Pro. Welcome to Beach Too Sandy Water Too Wet. A podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between

you and me, I wanted to like this podcast but I'd give it zero stars if I could. ["Sandie Water Too Wet"] Hello everyone. Welcome to Beach Shoe Sandie Water Too Wet, a podcast where we read reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I'm X-Teen. I am Xandy. How's it going?

How's it going? How are we doing? We're doing great. We are reading reviews of pinball halls slash arcades today. Yeah. Is that the name of the episode? I don't know. I wrote pinball halls. I don't know. I wrote pinball. Archive halls.

I don't know. I don't like understand what I was supposed to write. I didn't I didn't really think I'd be saying it out loud. And here I am. Pinball wizard. I do love pinball. I have a folder in my phone photos, my iPhone photos of all the pinball machines I played. Oh, cool.

Remember when we did your birthday at that arcade and we played pinball for hours? Oh, I love pinball too. Yeah. Yeah, so I have pinball machines. Right now it only is 38. I think I have to put more in than I played recently. I even love the Windows 97 pinball.

Oh yeah, I took a picture of my monitor when I was playing that. When you were two and the first time you ever played it. Yeah, of the 38, 36 of them are virtual. On different computers. Yeah. Well, I'm gonna go first. Is that okay? Please. So this is from Elta and it's of a place called Grinkers. Now, of course, I was immediately intrigued by the name Grinkers. I was gonna say it sounds... when you say it, it sounds not nice. Yeah he doesn't like the way I said it. Grinker, Grinkers. I'm sure there's no way I could do it to appease you but uh Oxenor the sad thing is this arcade in Eagle, Idaho is permanently closed.

Oh because of the name? No I wish. Elta said, "'Grinkers' was one of my favorite places in the world. It was an old school arcade with lots of video arcade and pinball. After COVID, they started charging a small fee, literally $4 to get in and people lost their dang minds. And so they ended up losing the business.

Like, it just, people just wouldn't abide by it. That's so sad. Yeah. Anyway, it is sad. So here's a one-star review by a local guide who felt very strongly about these changes. So yeah, let's kick them while they're down. I'm excited.

Yeah, great. I have been here before and had a great time, but unfortunately when my husband and I decided to bring our son here today, we find out you have to have a membership or pay their daily fee to get into an arcade, really? After paying $10 for three people to enter an arcade and then get quarters, I ordered a sandwich, which I've had before. I find out they are charging for the large option, but have downsized on the size of the sandwich. You just can't have family fun

anymore without emptying the bank. Pay more, get less. That's how it is everywhere anymore. Needless to say, we will never be back." End of review. Guess who responded? Elta. Papa Grinker. That's what I call him. Okay. That sounds a lot nicer. It does, doesn't it? It kind of softens the blow. You need the Papa to soften. It softens the blow.

Yeah. So Papa Grinkers said, now I want to be clear, this is where we get the real tea, okay? From had a great time to will not be back because of this pricing. $4 for adults, $2 for kids, 25 cent games, and $1 ice cream. Seems pretty darn reasonable to us. Here is some additional perspective. Numbers updated today, July 15th. 3,524 guests have enjoyed visiting Grinker's since we became a private venue. Since that time, a grand total of 22 people have gone online to complain about our pricing. 22 out of 3,524 equals this reviewer falls into a group occupied by just 0.6% of people.

No, that's not 6%. That's 6 tenths of 1%. A very small number indeed. It's an interesting social experiment to see how some people react when they have to pay for something that used to be free, even when the amount is small. As to our sandwich sizes, our portions have not changed since we opened seven years ago, but don't take our word for it. Feel free to ask other Grinker's guests and they'll tell you the same thing. We're thinking this reviewer is possibly just looking through negative

glasses due to having to pay for membership. The negative glasses like shrink the size of the sandwich. They're like opposite of monoculars, you know? Perhaps this reviewer will come around after they've had a chance to digest things. Grinkers remain some of the most affordable fun in the Treasure Valley. Happy people, welcome here.

Smiley face. Isn't this tragic? I miss Grinker so much. I know, it's so tragic. That's terrible. And their website says like, sorry, we're no longer in operation. It like bums me out.

That's so sad. I know. Don't apologize. I'm sorry, Grinkers. I'm sorry. You shouldn't apologize. You should never have to apologize. That is such a dismantling, you know?

Like that was such a good dis. An institution. Oh. Oh, I see. Them dismantling. I thought you meant this Grinker's Was dismantled by society by society, but you're saying they fully they like dismantled this reviewer They like broke down every little bit of it and we're like really Like yeah, go ask the other ninety nine point four percent of people

I'm into my four is a good way to way to really put a fine point on it. Yeah. Yeah, man. Wow. Yikes. That's so sad though. Alexander's just started crying. No, I didn't think I'd care this much.

Papa Grinker though. Now that it got personal with Papa Grinker. Well, that was on me. Nobody has ever said that except me. I want to be clear. I invented that. What? Papa Grinker's. You invented Papa Grinker? That's has ever said that except me. I thought I want to be clear. I invented that. What? Papa Grinkers. You invented Papa Grinker? That's what I said. I said, I call him that.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Now I did not hear you say that. I cause you know why I probably did in my brain was like, uh-uh. I was picturing the Keebler elves here, Christina. I was like in a full, like fantasy world. But see that's the thing I did that intentionally but I wanted to give you the caveat that I invented it and I think that slipped past and instead you just took the whole narrative as the reality but

no unfortunately Papa Grinker is something I invented and um I feel silly now. Well you shouldn't because you're not the one who invented Papa Grinker. I like fell for Papa Grinker. I know, that's true, that is worse, you're right. In more ways than one. I know, sad. Here's a one-star review that Izzy sent in.

This is of the Portal Arcade, oh sorry, the Portal Arcade Cafe and Bar in Savannah, Georgia. And here's a one-star review. Went here, got served a drink, and then went back for a second and was told my ID was fake, even though I am 23, was told to get at, yelled at in my face and felt threatened. I felt the need to call the police, but didn't not and just left and not felt date.

End of review. And then there's an owner response. Okay. The Portal Arcade cafe and bar says Papa Papa portal or Papa whatever business yeah I think I I'm gonna love that I pop a Papa John's Papa. Pop-up PJ. Okay. Our mother just texted the group, the family group chat to say, did you know that a group of crows is called a murder of crows? I'm like, do you think I don't know that? Then I feel like we need to have a discussion. Who are you in her eyes? Like, right? Like, look at this Alexander. I have a literal crow like behind me. Yeah

Ready to murder at any moment. It's no it's alone I know any moment when the when his friend comes over what moment then has never that moment has never come and never You don't know that I just I do here's here's the response Okay, considering the response I feel like I need to start over and read this review again quick. Okay. I'm sorry. No, no, no. Not your fault. I followed you down the path. I could have yanked you back and then followed. Okay. I'll be quick with this one, everyone.

Here we go. There's no punctuation anyway. Went here, got served a drink and then went back for a second and was told my ID was fake even though I'm 23 was told to get at yelled at in my face and felt threatened I felt the need to call the police but didn't not and just left and not felt date and of review Wow, okay. Yeah, you're right. I need a three prayer hands Three prayer hand emojis reacted to it. No, no, no, like reacted. There's like a screenshot. Oh, weird. Like there's, yeah.

And then, but this is what the portal arcade cafe and bar has to say. Okay. What? End of response. You're right. That needed to be like back to back. What?

I got nervous. I'm like, why did I bring up the prayer hands? We're about to go down another. No, it was so good though. I'm glad you. Especially, even when you added the prayer hands, I had a bigger what. I was like, what am I missing that there are three people

who seem to understand what's going on? Like what? Glad to know Portal and I are in the same boat here. What? What? What? I love that so much. That's such a good way to just shut someone down. It's the opposite of Papa Grinker's,

but like because he just like detailed it. But just as effective. Just as effective, exactly. Okay, so here I have another review of Grinker's. This is a three-star actually just a It's a it's a review, but all it says is games and it's that's it Now this is what Papa Grinkers had to say Hi Chuck. Thank you for your review for others viewing Chuck's three stars

Please note he also gave the Boise Philharmonic three stars. And In-N-Out Burger got three stars too, but hey, Arby's got five stars, so good for Arby's. They do have the meats after all. Click on Chuck's name to see his review awesomeness. Hope you don't mind, Chuck, just trying to keep your three-star review of our establishment in the proper context. Smiley face. Papa Grinker is kind of a villain. I think Papa Grinker needs to work for our show as like the behind the scenes like the researcher or something. Like I feel like Papa Grinker gets it. You know,

they are on top of it. Like, oh, I just took a little peek. Chuck? They, they, and they, you know what, they should not be ashamed. I hate those people. If you, like you see those things on, especially Reddit, where someone goes in someone else's profile and sees that they're like a fucking Nazi and they're like, you're a fucking Nazi. And they're like, Oh yeah, you took the time to look at my profile. It's like, yeah, I'm curious. Yeah, because if I'm gonna be weighing your input, then I'd like to know a little context about who you are.

And if you think Arby's is better than fucking, what was the other one? In-N-Out. In-N-Out. Then I'm sorry, I just can't trust you. And honestly though, that's the thing is Grinker didn't even have to say all that, just said putting it in context. It wasn't, you can wasn't you can take take

take whatever you want from it yeah it's just like green group is just stating facts it's like what the QAnon are say like do the do your own research do your own research about Arby's yeah yeah yeah true here's a one-star review this was also sent in by Izzy uh and this is of Joystick Game Bar in Atlanta. Okay. And with an owner response. One star. Vomit on game pieces, end of review. Two prayer hand emojis.

What is going on with these prayer hand emojis? I don't know, I don't know Izzy. Is Izzy doing this? Their screenshots, yeah, probably photoshopped like, it's just like I give this. I rate this to Perrehan. No, is that a thing? I don't know. My Google reviews isn't updated. No, so that is a new thing. That is a new thing that you can react to Google reviews. I think just on the app, I'm pretty sure.

Okay, maybe that's what it is. It's something like that where you can respond with Perrehan or like other reactions. Weird. Well, here is a response about vomit on game pieces from Joystick Game Bar. Holy shit, that's gross. We hope you told our staff, as drunk people tend to hide their puke.

We're getting them all replaced now. Thank you for bringing this to our attention. Please message us if you did tell our staff so we can see how it was handled." End of response. So we can see who did not do the proper sanitation after learning that all the sorry pieces were a biohazard now.

But I love how they're like, oh, gross, dude. Like, yeah. Like, that's nasty. We gotta deal with that one. I was like, weirdly, I'm like, okay, yeah. I'm glad you're validating this one-star review weirdly but Because it's like if you picture like a monopoly piece like how would you really know?

You know what it is if there's a substance on it, but if you picture like again, like sorry or something like like with a big or like a game of life like a The wheel. The wheel, you know something like that. Maybe you could see but it's like I wonder what kind of also everywhere I hope that wasn't just like a prank thing. Oh my god, he's been Fucking sprinkler system. Um, I I do hope though that that was a strap. Oh I've just been trying to think of games. I can tell, yeah.

That- Axis and Allies. Lots of pieces. I don't know that one, but I'm imagining it's kind of like the other one. It's like Risk on Steroids. Risk, yeah. Which I also think is like Settlers of Catan,

because I really don't know. In high school, we'd spend a full weekend just playing Axis and Allies. We'd have full on like strategy meetings. It was great. Well it was like always annoying because you guys would vomit all over the pieces. You'd always have to buy new ones. It was just part of it. We said holy shit that's gross.

Had our friend's mom clean it up. I'm so glad you reported this handled properly proper authorities. Yeah started again I I just hope that it's not like a prank because then that sucks if they replaced every game in what I'm assuming It's like a small business, you know No, I they didn't I don't I doubt they did well it said they replaced it all Because they didn't say what game um Because they didn't say what game. No, what I think might have happened, I think they knew that this incident occurred.

Oh. Like maybe it was a, like I assume this was a real incident. I don't know, like it was weird, their response, because their holy shit that's gross makes it seem as if they're like. Yeah, but then also like tell us if you reported this to anyone. We hope you told our staff,

as drunk people tend to hide their food. Yeah, no, this sounds like they did not know about it beforehand. We're getting them all replaced now. Yeah, I don't know. I only say like, I'm hesitant to say that they would like do that because I was at- Or maybe they only had a handful of games.

Like maybe it was like mostly pinball and arcade stuff and then they had like a couple games. Just at a one in St. Louis, a like board game. It wasn't an arcade, but it was like a board game. Cafe or whatever. They listed how many pieces they have. They have like, or how many games they have. They have so many fucking games

and they have over 800 games in stock. Jesus. And we were there and it's just whatever you would want. Name a game it's there basically. Like, and not only- When you said they named the pieces, I was like, they need to get another hobby. They counted every piece in Axis and Allies, yeah.

No, but they even said on their website somewhere, like how much they spent on their games to be like, hey, look, like we take this and the sanitation and like the system they had to replace them. It was called pieces In st. Louis. Anyway, sorry. What were we talking about? I throw up on game pieces. Yeah. Yeah Nutri-ful is the number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement brand trusted by over 1 million people See thicker stronger faster growing hair with less shedding in just three to six months with NutriFull. I know I've said this a lot but I used

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Product availability varies by region. See app for details. And I think it's your turn. Yeah, it is. Okay, so do you know about Can Can Wonderland? No. Okay, no, I genuinely thought you might because I've been there before

and it's in Duluth I believe or no not Duluth what's um St. Paul I believe uh it's when I went to I'm like I've never been to Duluth what am I talking about uh I was in Minneapolis and so we got several emails about this place because it's like wackadoo actually I know I've told you about it because, but you probably don't remember the name, but it's basically this like warehouse where they have this huge indoor mini golf they have with, and like each hole is created by- Is that where we were together? I went with M.

Is that what it was called? Yeah, so did I. Wait, you were there? Is that what it was called? Oh, no, no, no. That was different. We went somewhere else. Oh, okay. I don't think we went there together. I've only been there. We literally did mini golf in Minneapolis. I don't think we went over to St. Paul for it.

Yeah. Can Can, Can Can Runderland is like this huge arcade. It's a bar. It has a brewery attached. It has mini golf. It had when we were there, they had karaoke followed by Polish trivia. Like it was so wild. And they had like everything you could want to do in as far as like. I'm looking at pictures. I hope that's okay.

Yeah, it's crazy. And it feels kind of like a fever dream, you know? It looks like one. Yeah. Absolutely. And it's great. Like I went there with Em and we were both, we both still talk about it. We're like, what was that?

Oh, I love, this looks right up my alley. Oh, it was so fun. The next time we go, we gotta go. And so we got several talk about it. We're like, what was that? Oh, I love, this looks right on my island. Oh, it was so fun. The next time we go, we gotta go. And so we got several emails about it and I was excited about that. But of course, because it's kind of wackadoo and like different, you know, people who don't like what they see.

Like Meow Wolf type response. Yes, yeah, where they're like, whoa, what's this? I thought this was a kid-friendly activity, you know? And also, KandKandWonderland, after I think 9 p.m. on weekends, closes to anyone under 21, so it becomes a bar. So people didn't like that. But anyway, here is a review.

This one was sent in by Elta, and then I also have one right afterwards from Hannah, but I'll read that after your next one. So this is a three-star review from five years ago. Can Can Wonderland is what you would get if you picked ten different trendy ideas out of a hat and decided to make a business out of it. Why don't we open a bar and the bar will be tucked away in the basement of an old warehouse so you'll have to look for it and it'll have pinball and retro coin games and you know what an indoor mini golf course. Oh and let's also have a

stage for karaoke or audience games or music. And we'll have boozy slushies and maybe some cocktails at the bar. But also let's have a pour by the ounce self-serve tap with other beers and cocktails and wines that we don't serve at the bar. Oh, and pizza and food and stuff and pool tabs.

Cool, now we've got this massive bar with all this cool stuff. Okay, I know they're about to say the negatives, but I'm like, this sounds great. The only problem is that it's usually a two-ish hour wait to play mini-golf, but you put your name in and go do other stuff. Allows kids during the day on the weekend. Honestly, it's a fun time if you're in the right mood, but you roll the dice of waiting in line a lot to do anything.

If you want a beer without all the bells and whistles, hit up the brewery upstairs, but if you want a party, trendy atmosphere, give CN Can a shot. Okay. There's a response from owner. Thanks for the review, Josh. We also like our neighbors at Black Stack upstairs, but I'm glad you gave us a shot.

Stop in again for more fun soon. It's like, he's like, just be forewarned. If you're in for just a chill night with friends, it's not that. It's so loud also. Like it's like. Oh, it's, no, it seems very over-simulating. It is very.

And like when Em and I went, it was also, I think, a two and a half hour wait for mini golf. And we were like, well, thank God there's other stuff to do. But if you really don't, if you have kids and you're like, I don't wanna go do other stuff, I just wanna play mini golf and we were like, well, thank God there's other stuff to do. But if you really don't, if you have kids and you're like, I don't want to go do other stuff. I just want to play mini golf. It's like probably not the right spot. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. But you're right. That beginning, you're like,

what could go wrong? Yeah. I was like, you're, this is great. And then they got me and I was like, yeah, okay. The problem is the, uh, it was actually just informational three stars. Right, kind of straight, right down the middle. I will say the pull tabs were new to me in this review and I thought, I can't believe I missed that. I love a pull tab. I was gonna say, that stood out to me.

I same. I love pull tabs. You don't see that at any of these barcades usually, like pull tabs? Part of the Catholic upbringing, I think. Oh, it is, yeah. I was just at the festival last month and I had the best time pulling pull-tops.

I taught Leona how to do it. Oh my gosh. Guess who I went with? Our father. And our mother. Talk about them. I wonder I didn't hear about this. Talk about a blast.

Yeah, a blast from the past. It was very weird. Our parents together? I can't even... I know. It was at our old church. Whoa. Trippy. Creepy. So creepy. To be clear, I have seen my parents

in the same room many times. But I've never seen them in love. Thanks for... Here's the one. I was like three or four or something when they got divorced. I don't remember. When they fell out of love. And I didn't have, they fell out of love years before that. I'm sorry.

I don't even know what I'm talking about. Cause I was four years old. Here is a one star review of quarter world arcade Portland. I found this one, fair warning. Congratulations. And I don't even remember it. One star, here we go. One member of our party who is 47 years old

was denied entry because he didn't have his passport. He's from Germany. I kindly asked the lady working there to reconsider, especially since he has completely gray slash silver hair and could not possibly be under 21. The crusty old witch at the admission desk cackled and said, "'Not going to happen!' And then said, "'Welcome to Portland!'

"'Ha ha ha ha ha!' With a laugh. Well then, quarter world, welcome to a one-star review and welcome to not making the 100-plus dollars we are about to spend. What a poorly run, disgusting rundown venue. Whoever the owner is, you are a joke. I will be checking back in the future to celebrate when I read the good news that you are out of business. End of review.

Oh my god, you're gonna- that guy needs to be careful, he's gonna be part of a witch's brew any minute. He's gonna be hexed. Yeah right and it's like it's Portland like there are witches in Portland. No like she probably is a real witch. Like maybe maybe it wasn't even meant as an insult. Mocking her. It was meant as an insult but yeah hopefully hopefully revenge was somehow swift and um just. I agree. But here is a response from the owner. Which? No. Oh.

I understand your frustration, but there is no need to disrespect my staff by calling them names. That is childish behavior and is not tolerated in our establishment. If you have issue with the OLCC law that requires us to verify the age of everyone that comes into the arcade when we are 21 plus, i.e. quote, the commission requires a

licensee or permittee to verify the age of anyone who wants to drink alcoholic beverages or is in an area prohibited to minors, then I suggest you take it up with them. And he will. He'll take us straight to the top. I mean, his German friend will, because I feel like Germans are like that. They love a bureaucracy that they can kind of work through. You know what I mean?

Love that kind of challenge. Well, they love the structure of it. Wow, I honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if the German was like, he makes a good point. That's fair. Like, dude, yeah, I hope that, and this German's like, this friend is is insane. Get this friend is getting really weird about this. I could see our father being annoyed by like a situation like this.

And then like never write this out about them going out of business. You know, he'd be probably be a dick sometimes. Maybe he'd probably be like mad and then would go home and be like, well, it is the law, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. Because shit happens and it's annoying. But my God to insult the staff and then like also, oh, I forgot to mention this. The $100 plus that they were going to spend.

Are you kidding me? Like at least pretend like you're spending $1,000. Yeah. And also like at a place called Quarters, like okay, how many fucking quarters did you bring? Quarter world, yeah. I was gonna spend a hundred plus dollars in quarters. You were carrying that sack around, you're right.

We carried the sack all the way from Germany, this sack of quarters. Man, that is remarkable. And the witch just thought it was her old friend Krampus, you know, coming by. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, she said, I know your tricks. I won't let you in here. Oh boy.

Okay, so this is another view of Kanken Wonderland. I'm picturing it's like, let me see your ID, Krampus. I don't believe you for a minute. Not your ID, your passport. I wanna know that you got in here legally. True, true, true, yeah. Show me your visa. He's like, you'll never see it, witch.

The calculator, but I was impressed with your witch voice and I feel like the fact that we're recording on Halloween like it was really fitting. Oh, it is Halloween today, yeah. Happy Halloween. Happy Halloween, all I'm doing for it is going to therapy honestly Going virtually to therapy scariest part of the holiday in my opinion Yeah, here's a review of can can wonderland by from Hannah

She her and it's a once review and it has a response from owner Megan wrote It's basically Chuck E. Cheese on Acid. Weird place. Definitely a Wonderland. Seriously thought I fell down the rabbit hole. Dot dot dot. There's one prayer hands emoji on this guy. Oh. And then here's the response from Can Can Wonderland. LOL. Maybe someday we'll have animatronics that sing to Honestly, you know, they added it to the jar of like

Crackpot ideas they pull from to add to that and that other reviewers ready to add to the list of things Yeah after pull tabs just something out singing animatronics. Yeah, the original review might not have even mentioned pull tabs within they added that updating This place does seem wild it is wild original review might not have even mentioned pull tabs where then they added that. They had to edit. Just keep updating. Edit to add, yeah. Whatever they keep putting. Oh my God. This place does seem wild. It is wild. Okay, here's a five star review that was sent in by Nat. And this is of Pinball Peets.

Ooh! Is like, just such a good name. Very good. But yeah, this is a place outside of Detroit. It looks like Burns. Oh, it's in Ann Arbor, nevermind. Oh, sorry, it was not. That's a place outside of Detroit.

I mean, technically. I don't know Ann Arbor was that close to Detroit. Technically every place is outside of Detroit, but. I mean, maybe they're not that close. Here's a five star review of Pinball Pete's. So many fun memories here. Usually it's pretty packed, but not in a bad way. Rarely did I have to wait to play a game.

Definitely a fun choice for birthday parties. Pro tip, it's large enough to ghost your obligatorily invited coworkers when needed. Still one of my favorite places in Ann Arbor. End of review. Oh, that's genius. I love a place where you can kind of go hide away. I do too.

And you have the perfect excuse. It's like, oh, I was just playing pinball. Like, it's not like, oh, I was just in the bathroom hiding from you. Yeah, that's why like Dave and Buster's is so great. Those are huge. Everyone can kind of go on their own way. Sections, do whatever you want.

You can hide away in one of the covered Jurassic Park. I'm hiding in the Jurassic Park yes shut the fuck up there that's so funny that's so we must have like pulled some repressed memory honestly that we don't remember he immediately was like covered ones and then immediately brain was like the only one I could think of was Jurassic Park same I still can't come up with more so now I'm a little bit worried about us. Actually, I did play Luigi's Mansion one.

I love Luigi's Mansion. That was at a Dave and Buster's in Minneapolis. I've only played that on Switch. I didn't know such a thing existed in a Dave and Buster's. How fun. No, me neither, it was fun. Sometimes I think about that vacuum when I'm trying to think about like,

getting bad energy out of me, off me. I'm like, let's just. Is that why I found you with a Dyson on your forehead that one day? No, that was something different. I was trying to clear my third eye. Okay, I'm so sorry.

Is it your turn or my turn? No, we just did Pete's. Okay, this is, I just saw like. Is it your turn or my turn? No, we just did Peets. Okay. This is, I just saw like the animatronics that sing and I was like, I feel like that just fucking happened. Okay. This is from Christine and it's of a place called Bartari Barcade in Scranton, PA.

So this is perhaps one of my favorites that I saw and that was submitted. And it's the last one I have for a reason because it's a good finale. This is a one-star review of this place in Scranton, Bartari Barcade, and it's by Steve, a local guide. Hear me and hear me well. Your business is truly a great idea for our area, but your execution is a failure. You can buy newly made arcade machine games for way less than the real retro machines you have that keep breaking down. The huge dining area you have to the right when you

walk in should be turned into a karaoke area. You also need a digital jukebox so people can play music while they eat, drink, and game. Get some digital jukebox machines and a karaoke license. Multiple exclamation points. I'm a traveling salesman, and karaoke bars in boring cities are gold mines. Take my advice. I need this to work more than you.

I can't take living in Scranton. End of, end of review. So he's saying like, I get out of this town, please. I can't take living in Scranton. End of review. So he's saying like, I get out of this town, please. Trust me. I've seen- Please trust me. I've seen. I know what Scranton needs. I know what's out there. Scranton can have it too. Oh, we could build a better Scranton together. Also just- Lowkey really sad, these reviews.

I don't know what happened about that. No, it's like in a very funny way. together. Also just low key really sad. These reviews. No, it's like very funny way. Like, but can I also be like so real here and say this got a well-deserved 11 prayer hand emoji responses. Amazing. Amazing. So there might be actually starting a movement. I am not a karaoke person, like not at all. So that's why when I hear those things, I'm like, fuck off. I don't want to go to a karaoke bar in a boring city. I feel like I have too many eyes on me. No, thank you.

Yeah, I get very uncomfortable with it. I would do it, but like, and I'm- I'd rather go to an arcade. I wouldn't be, like, I'd have fun. I wouldn't be embarrassed, whatever. But I'm like, yeah, I'd rather go to an arcade. I'd rather go to a trivia. Yeah, it's not even that I'm like super embarrassed.

I just don't really feel like it. It's not that fun to me. Don't really enjoy it. No Yeah, it's not even that I'm like super embarrassed. I just don't really feel like it. It's not the fun to me. Don't really enjoy it. No, I'm with you on that. I think it's cause it's like less chill. Like, you know, I think I'm... Agreed. I'm not a, I don't like fun.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I also like, I love the idea that, oh, why do you keep buying the old machine games? They keep breaking. It's like, because that's probably the vibe. Like they're trying to be like, I love the idea that, oh, why do you keep buying the old machine games? They keep breaking. It's like, because that's probably the vibe. Like they're trying to be like, oh, they're like real retro games.

He's like, just get digital ones. They work better. Oh yeah, I don't know. I don't like the digital, like, well, if it's pinball specifically, I don't like the digital pinball tables. Like they sell them. I've never even played a digital pinball.

No, it's a fun concept actually. I don't hate it. I have a pinball video game I play sometimes and it's fun with a controller and just hitting the bumpers. But it's not the same. But my favorite are the newer, real pinball machines. Yeah, yeah. Like super old, I don't like.

The classic ones are boring to me. But the ones in the past, like 20 years or something are so fun, but they have the digital ones where you can pick like so many different tables. So it's like, it is really cool to get to play like any table you want. And it's like a similar cabinet, but it's a screen.

And then there are bumpers on the side or like buttons on the side, but it's all virtual. So you're like looking at it as if it's a pinball machine, but it's like a screen. That's really cool. No, I've never seen that. I haven't done that. It's less like, I don't know.

It's different. I mean, they could definitely add some of those. I just feel like this place, I don't think has karaoke. Now, though I read it, I'm reading it again. It's like, you need to add karaoke. It's like, wait, so this doesn't have karaoke. He's just saying you need to become a karaoke bar, which is a very weird. Oh, yeah And how much is a karaoke license?

Does that like you need to get your license like it's like clearly that doesn't even exist here So that he's just pitching a whole different business. Yeah It's like completely like which ends up happening most of the time people decide to give advice What sorry I'm like is it, like he said a karaoke license. I'm like, I don't know. And I repeated it as if it's a thing. Oh yeah. Well, yeah.

You were like, how much is one of those? I was like, I didn't know such a thing exists. Cause you have to like, the music has to be licensed. Like I know about like music licensing, but the way he put it as like a karaoke license makes it almost sound like a liquor license. Like you cannot serve. It's like that German guys gonna Walk in and go like see if you card me or not. I'm an undercover

I'm an undercover karaoke What if that guy was undercover and part of it is they leave these one-star reviews to try to encourage the businesses to do it And it's a way to like subvert they're like and so now they pass because of that response and assuming they haven't Messed up since and then maybe they get a great or something. They should the witch knew the witch knew which Which which? They shrunk the sandwich No, you were just looking through the binoculars backwards

Yeah, when you said that you're like the opposite of binoculars. I was like, oh, yeah, just like when you turn when you turn them around. Yeah, that's what I mean. I knew what you meant here. I'm just going to move on. We have our my challenge. Yay. What is it? Oh, it's really fun. App Store reviews where a viewer says how they'd improve the app. Oh, God. OK.

Add a get your karaoke license. When I gathered my notes, I think there had been two emails sent in. I looked at both those emails. I have five reviews from both of them total. And I was done. And I did look at myself. It was so difficult. So I'm very grateful for these.

Wow, I can't believe people pulled this off. Yeah, it's not that it was necessarily difficult like everyone has something that they want to change. You just have to go through so many. Such a slog. Yeah. Slog, slog is not right. No, it's slog. So I was thinking of shlongs again.

So I got my wires crossed. Got my shlongs crossed. Not my, oh no, I'm a mess. Anyway, I swear someone just cleared their throat in my apartment hallway again. Is someone standing out there waiting for me to say weird shit? Well, that's the guy I sent over to QC the episode,

just some quality control. I thought that's why our therapists were on the call. Oh, no, no, they're just here in case of emergency. Crisis aversion type thing. They're the crisis operatives. Oh, no, no, they're just here in case of emergency crisis crisis They're the crisis operator Operatives they they do the triage crisis triage. They do triage for our show Anyway, here's the first review. Oh wait, can I just say we've released our October Patreon bonus. Oh my god. It was insane. It was like an hour long. It was like an hour long.

It was fucking chaotic as hell. Okay, I almost said this out loud and I kept my mouth shut, but now that you brought it up, I was like, so I'd say remember when I said that's why he's named Carl Jung, or why do you think he's named Carl Jung and we sat there in silence for like 15 seconds? Because I didn't know what I meant

and you didn't know what I meant. I just stared at you. Anyway, highly recommend that episode, everybody. We had so much fun. The reason we're recording this on Halloween is because the bonus went so long that we didn't have time to do the regular episode. But the bonus just kept going and afterwards I was like, we were, Christina was still planning on it and I'm like, I can't. I still have to edit as well. So I was like, I gotta go take care of myself

after what just happened. And it was so much fun. Then editing was weirdly also so much fun because I got to like relive it. Anyway, go check us out. Patreon.com, slash bc, Sandy, ad free listening, et cetera. It's basically, you get a full new episode every month if that's really what you want, which seems,

I mean, listen, you do you. You do you. Your group photos are likely missing someone important. You. With Ad Me on the new Google Pixel 9 Pro, never rely on a stranger again. Add yourself to any group photo through the magic of AI. Get yours with TELUS at T telus.com slash Pixel 9 Pro. What do Ontario dairy farmers bring to the table? A million little things. But

most of all the passion and care that goes into producing the local high quality milk we all love and enjoy every day. With 3,200 dairy farming families across Ontario sharing our love for milk, there's love in every glass. Dairy Firmers of Ontario, from our families to your table, Everybody Milk. Visit milk.org to learn more. ["Dairy Firmers of Ontario Theme"] Here is a review sent in by Ryan HeHim of an App Store review.

It's an App Store review where a reviewer says how they'd improve the app. And this is of Duolingo. Here is a one-star- How would they want to improve the Duolingo app? One-star titled Meaniness. That is spelled M-E-A-N-Y. N-E-S-S. M-E-A-N-Y.

It doesn't sound like the Duolingo is working. Yes. Good point. Add some fun new words to your lexicon. Here's a one-minute star review. Wouldn't recommend. Threatened me for not doing my lesson and made me feel unsafe in my own home. I feel like I shouldn't feel like my house would be burned if I didn't finish a lesson. Oh my god. These apps are getting out of control. That owl is pretty unhinged. To be fair, that owl does give me really deep seated anxiety. This person might

be like perceiving this as like a sleep paralysis situation and like perceiving the dual lingo as like a demonic force. I can't judge them I think they have a very good point that that thing is scary Yeah, threatening to burn down your house is like exactly what it would do big time. Yeah, wouldn't be surprised. I Wonder if they were ever heard from again after writing meaniness and then the owl was like that was your last strike Yeah, clearly the owl was like well, you better get to it because you need it. Yeah. So I'm coming for you now. Oh, they got in trouble. So here my next one from Ryan is of toka boca world. Okay, I have no way this is an app. I don't know. Do you think it's the boca restaurant? It's 1000% not.

It's like a kid. It's a kid's game. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Here we go. I'm Italian, and if you've seen ABC Mouse in the critical section, then you're probably wondering why I'm talking in Italian. Well, I have an answer to your question. I'm so proud to be a vampire slash Italian, so I'm going to speak Italian on Royal Caribbean or Oasis of the Seas. And yes, this is off topic for a review, but this is why I'm just mad at TOCA World because it's inappropriate. This is why, colon.

Okay, and then here are points one through five. What the fuck? And one thing I want you to imagine is after each bullet point, except the final fifth point, there is a total of seven, like cursing emo, there is a total of seven like cursing emojis, like the angry emoji with like cursing bar, like the bleep bar, sensor bar over the mouth. Seven after each one.

And I didn't want to have to do that four separate times. Four, one, two. Seven over them, okay, okay. Yeah, here we go. One through five. Why it's inappropriate. Okay. One, you can make people poop, not a kid's game. Two, you can make people eat the animal's poop.

Not good because they're learning to do that or eat their own stuff. Three, one time my sister got her person naked while trying to create and dress up her, and the same thing happened again with a man, but you can see their private parts gross. Four. You can flush animals down the toilet, not nice and definitely stupid because it's animal abuse and you won't get the animal back until you restart the whole thing. Five. You can hear their poop splash into the toilet grosses almost every adult and nine-year-old girls

Plus nine-year-old boys end of review That's like everybody that is almost every adult and nine-year-old girls almost I think it's almost everyone Almost I think that's almost everyone. That's all Exeter this makes me think this child is eight, you know, like or like yes We're like almost nine. I this honestly feels like a great game, but Clearly some things they need to work on the toilet the body stuff not for me. I Mean, I don't know if it's just like oh, I'm flushing my bird down the toilet. It could be funny I know I'm afraid that I might learn to eat my own poop I've been afraid of that since the day you're born

Yeah, but we've come so far it's the first taste in life like that's Like the trolls of RuneScape they're they're named by the first thing they eat when they... Wait, that's kind of fun. So there's one named My Arm. That's funny. Anyway. Wow, that was... This sounds like this kid's going through it.

That's all I gotta say. Yeah. And I have to mention the title of this review. This sounds like this kid's going through it. That's all I gotta say. Yeah, it's and I Have to mention the title of this review. I never even mentioned it. No, I felt it It would have sent us down a it would have it would have added too much to the mix first thing The title is a blood-sucking vampire like me does not like kids games. Oh You know what? I had already forgotten about the whole Italian vampire situation.

So I'm glad we came back to it. Because we lost that. Yeah, well, I feel like this, I got it mixed up with the Duolingo for like one brief moment where I went, oh, Italian. And I was like, that's not, this isn't that. Oh yeah, fair. Yeah, no, Christina, I don't know what's going on here,

but it makes me think that, I don't know. Maybe they also review things in Italian Maybe they're an Italian person like an Italian child saw if you saw my other review You may be wondering why I'm talking in Italian. I'm proud to be a vampire slash Italian So I'm going to speak Italian on Royal Caribbean or always of the seas So I'm going to speak Italian on Royal Caribbean or Oasis of the Seas. This is like the emails I'd write my third grade teacher, Mrs. Hilton. Literally though. Like this is what that is. And this is just another outlet for a child to like.

This is why I love these app reviews and the fucking common sense media because like it's kids unfiltered in this way that like you can't even make up. Like you can't make this shit up. Like what are you even saying right now? My next ones are from good old Brad. And I have three. She sent more and I was like these three are good. They're they were all good. This is enough Brad.

And obviously no and actually Ryan sent more than those two but as well. There were just so many good ones. So these are reviews of one app. The app is called Bible Coloring Paint by Numbers. OK? Oh, yeah, I love that app. It is exactly what it sounds like, a paint by numbers app,

but it's Bible themed. 161,000 ratings, 4.8 stars. Wow. Yeah, yeah. I'm wondering how many of those are bots, but that is a lot. I like, there might be some legit, honestly, I might need a paint by numbers app.

I don't need to paint Jesus. Actually, Leona has a paint by numbers app and it looks really fun. Like I just watch her play it sometimes Yeah, like you know what? I want to do those airport like Where it's that pen that changes? It's so fun, okay, it is still okay. I thought you sounded exasperated. No, sorry I'm just saying like I immediately was like I need to relive all the things I miss from childhood

And so I of course immediately purchased them on her behalf Yeah, they are really fun. So next time you come over you'll be sitting in Leon's craft corner I'll be taking one of those with me probably as well for the plane great back Here's a one-star review of this Bible color by number app Titled I do not think Jesus would be pleased with this app So what Allison thinks here, here we go. I loved this app until they started including pictures that mocked Jesus.

There have been several. For example, now I'm now I'm in this sounds like fun. Yeah, no, just wait, Christina, how much mockery there is. For example, there is a picture of Jesus posing and taking a selfie with a cell phone. Today, they had a picture of Jesus and Peter walking on water. Peter begins to sink and cries out to Jesus, I'm drowning! Then Jesus says to Peter,

Hi drowning, I'm Jesus! Oh my god, who's in charge of this? Who's in charge of this? Because I have a firm handshake to give them. Oh my god. I guess the people who run this app think it's funny, but I certainly do not. End of review. I find this so fucking funny. Eye drowning.

Oh boy. Okay, so that's the first one. That was good. So here's a one star review titled, do better with ads. Find this shit, like Brad and who's the other person? Ryan, yeah. They had a good strategy I mean it's I think the Duolingo I was impressed by especially. The Duolingo feels like it'd be hard to dig through but I think the move is to look at like kids apps and religious apps like you

know the same is true for and like right-wing things just like you know who was gonna write those one-star like kind of yeah. Just like the kind of fringier stuff. You know who's going to write those one star. Yeah. Like kind of. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe the less internet literate, like more likely to be less internet literate. Like, yeah. Boomers and children.

Boomers and children. Exactly. Here's a one star review title. Do better with ads. The title is Bible. Sorry, this is of the Bible thing again. Yes. Okay. The title is Bible. Oh. Sorry, this is of the Bible thing again. Yes. Okay.

The title is Bible. Really can't believe I have to tell you, but zombie ads are terrorizing to children when they least expect it. Remember what we talked about, Christina? Yes, what I was about to say, tell me you remember. Yeah, that was my first thought in our Halloween episode or was that the ghost hunting, whatever.

It might have been Halloween. I don't recall. I think it was Halloween, that one was fucking crazy that episode. Where are we going on? Yes, with the angel on the rock, it had to have been the fucking Halloween episode. So last week when we talked about.

Yeah, okay, it feels like ages ago, but yes, it was merely days ago, but yes, the fact, and I said something like, oh, some people do get offended by the notion of zombies because it's like only Jesus can come back from the dead and here you go so it really feels like a double whammy here. If you're scared of zombies then like what are you trying to tell me you're scared of Jesus? So true. You know what I mean? Yeah yeah. It's like what is he if not a zombie?

Yeah. Can't believe I have to tell you, but zombie ads are terrorizing to children when they least expect it. Fix the ads to the Bible slash Christian appropriate ads. Absolutely ridiculous. I'm appalled. Puzzles are okay, but I'll be deleting this app until you fix the inappropriate ads. End of review.

I love that that means they would have to keep re-downloading it to check if they remove inappropriate ads. End of review. I love that that means they would have to keep re-downloading it to check if they remove the ads. How would you ever find out? But it's funny, it does say, it says to children when they least expect it, the app says age 17 plus, years old. Oh, these are NC 17 Christian ads. You know what it might be?

They might do that so that they can advertise, like certain advertisers you can't have if you're allowing children. Oh yeah, children's apps are extremely restrictive. Like there is no, like it does not surprise me at all that most of these apps would be 17 plus. So they probably get more money this way. Absolutely.

And are banking off these Christian people interested in coloring. And like the child apps apps you have to like have a secret pass code You know get in like for the parents to like access stuff. I mean, yeah, I imagine that they intentionally do that What's what's the pass? I'm not gonna tell you because I will tell her I tried She knows it. She figured it out real fast because I was, I'm not going to type this in every time you do it. I know. But...

That's how she found that like subforum. That's how she finally got her hands on that. That munitions subforum, yeah. Oh, I haven't heard about that. I was thinking about the Bible Color by Number app she finally got her hands on. Oh, she wanted't heard about that. I was thinking about the Bible color by number app. She'd finally got oh no She wanted that too Weird. Oh, yeah. No, she was dealing some sort of arms with some country. I don't it was a whole it was a whole thing I wasn't privy to most of the information, but that's usually like blazes domain. I just let him handle that

the The zombie money, you know, you can't say no to that good zombie money even as a Christian that talk about talk about a deluge Oh, yeah, here's a one-star review of this Bible app. This is my last review of the day It's titled stop commenting on my work when not finished. I Put this app on my mom's computer because she loves religious painting and it is relaxing But we had one problem when my mom went to another she loves religious painting and it is relaxing. But we had one problem. When my mom went to another app like Word Find Puzzles, some annoying comments would come on like,

you need to go back and finish your work. First of all, my mom is doing this for enjoyment, not getting paid. She was stressing out so much from the comments from this app, I deleted the app permanently. Do not comment at all when people are doing this work for enjoyment or free. Done with you, permanently.

End of review. What? Holy shit. I think it's a notification. Yes, of course it is. It's just like, hey, you didn't like, you know, mine will say like, unclaimed lives in your game, come back, you know.

Don't forget, this is 17 plus. Who knows what they are threatening this woman with? Unclaimed lives in your game come back. Don't forget. This is 17 plus who knows What they are threatening this woman with Well, the other one was gonna birth the Duolingo. I was gonna burn down someone's house exactly it could be really zombies are coming for you Oh god, like Jesus won't be real unless you finish this cut this painting I love that. It's like finish your work and he's like you're not paying her a damn cent She's doing this for fun. It's like is she it sounds like you're making this more upsetting than it needs to be I hope the developer was like wait are people getting paid to use our app?

Hang on That zombie money is for me and me alone. Yeah. Wow. That's powerful stuff. I thought that was so silly. The mom, man, I hope she's okay. It sounds like the kid is really high strong.

I think there needs to, I would like there to be a youthful presence here. I don't know how old this person is, but I need someone just more with it. A few decades younger to just turn off their notifications. Yeah, true. Yeah, easy. Then you really don't have to worry. And you can go back to your not work, your fun, relaxing time whenever you want. Considering the ads this thing runs, I have a feeling they're pretty pushy about notifications

and pushy about getting you to do it. So I I feel like this. And BTW, I love that they specified, oh, she opened Wordfinder. She had to switch to another app, Wordfinder, which does pay her for all her hard work. It does too. That's so funny.

Oh no, but I do hope, I hope she found peace or a less stressful painting Bible app. I do too. I mean, there's gotta be loads of them out there, right? That's why it's so hard to find the good ones, you know? Yeah, you gotta really dig through. Gotta wade through the Sea of Galilee. Hi, Sea of Galilee. I'm Jesus. Hi, drowning. I'm Jesus.

That's honestly maybe the funniest thing I've ever heard. Because you know most Christians would be like, how dare you? But like, I don't know. I'd like to think not most. I guess not most, yeah. But you know like some of the intense, unfunny people. Yeah, the ones who would leave a one star review

on a color or by paint. Yeah, that's the kind of thing that they don't like. I typed in hi drowning, I'm Jesus. Oh, I see This is a whole thing. It's like it's already a joke. Probably. It's a our true God comm sells and I'm drowning high drowning. I'm Jesus bumper sticker decal You're yo, you're making plans for your Etsy shop. Nice Yeah, I'm gonna steal this design Hi drowning. I'm lifeguard

Wait, that doesn't make sense. What? Hi, drowning. I'm lifeguard watching someone drown. And they're saying, I'm drowning. And they say, hi, drowning. I'm a lifeguard. Yeah, but you wouldn't introduce yourself like that.

That's why it doesn't work, Christina. We're workshopping things. Look, you've got to have some duds. Look, when I called inventions.com. I Told them ten ideas the first nine they declined the tenth. They said they were all wheels They really just because you saw a wheel in our ad doesn't mean you can call it. So out another wheel you just a wheel I'm drowning. Hi drowning. I'm Jesus. This is very funny to me. I know that it's like a Bible joke But for some reason it just gets me good

Wow, you spent too much time with that church fair, huh? I Think I did and like after you know after all of the Mary Yeah, after my third Hail Mary, I was like, okay It's time to start living it up with these Catholics and really give them some props for their great sense of humor. In that case we've we've hit a special bead we're gonna do a quick Hail Mary for you all before saying goodbye. We've hit a special bead! Yes. I don't know how rosaries work anymore. We've hit the special bead filled with the holy water from that one shrine in some random town in Italy. Yeah and our Italian vampire is uh is our tour guide. Oh god! in Italy yeah no and our Italian vampire is our tour guide. Two thumbs down from this vampire because you have zombie ads oh wait no that was the other one sorry that was some

never mind. Christina too much poop sounds and the poop noises I the poop splash. It's not for kids. It's not for kids. Kids cannot hear poop splashes they just they, they go feral. They go feral. My sister made hers go naked. Oh, I thought you were talking about Franziska for a second. I'm like, what? Oh. No.

Like our actual sister, I see. No. You're quoting a blood sucking vampire. Am I just naked? I sure am. Okay, now that we've referenced a bunch of things that we just talked about, I think it's time for me to go.

Me too, I have to go hand candy out to children. Oh, I gotta eat before therapy. Wish me luck. Thank you, okay, bye everybody. You're welcome, bye. Wait, what did I say? I said, wish me luck and you said, thank you. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Good luck. Thank you. What's wrong with me? I didn't even notice. Okay. Okay, bye.

Beach to Sandy Water to Wet is a Forever Dog Production hosted and produced by Zandy and Christine Schieffer. Cover art by Courtney Aventura, theme music by Mavis White, executive produced by Zoe Applebaum. Forever Dog Productions is Joe Silio, Alex Ramsey, and Brett Boehme.