Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 317: Reviews of Disappointing Holiday Gifts

Episode Date: December 25, 2024

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Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast. But I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello everyone, welcome to Beach She's Sandy, Water Too Wet, the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I'm Christine. And I'm Zandy. And Merry Christmas. This comes out 24th, right? Oh yeah.

No, wait, the 27th? Why did you tell me? I did something wrong with my notes here. Oh, the 25th actually is when this comes out. The 25th, sorry, I was off by a day. Which actually is Christmas. Which actually is Christmas, isn't that convenient? Yeah, we wanted to release a special Christmas episode

today, which is totally how we planned this. And today, I'm so thrilled to bring to you the theme disappointing holiday gifts, which I believe was suggested to us, well, I don't know who it was suggested by because I didn't write it and I'm nervous that I'm gonna give credit to the wrong person again. Let's give it to Candy.

Okay, Candy deserves all the leftover credit. And Brad also sent something. I think it may have been your challenge. Well, Brad sent me an email, so we'll talk about Brad. Oh, we will, okay, great. Well, your challenge was to find reviews so we'll talk about Brad. Oh, we will. Okay, great. Well, your challenge was to find reviews mentioning a chairlift mishap. Yes.

Yeah. Wow. This is the Christmas episode of a lifetime. Yeah. And Chris, the chairlift mishaps, not surprisingly, they happen seemingly often. Have we ever had a chairlift mishap? I don't recall. I mean, yeah, well, okay. I've dad once.

A mishap is a stretch of a word. Dad definitely had a mishap. I recall that. He fell. Had to get on the lift behind us. Yeah, I don't know. They're scary. They scare me for sure. They are scary.

They're very scary. Yeah, Yeah. But we'll get there. We'll, we'll, I'll give you more reason to be scared of them later. Um, first we're going to do some disappointing holiday gifts. Do you want me to start? Yes, please. Okay. I good, because I have what I think is a nice transition from last episode, maybe two episodes ago to this one. This is a review of back, a very backstreet Christmas is actually a review of the CD edition.

It's a five star review. Bought the CD as a joke for a coworker who hates boy bands. She hated this gift, but I got a laugh at her. The sound quality was good. End of review. Well, how did you even know the sound quality was good? I don't know. Like, did you hide it in a different CD case

so that she actually had to play it? Cause that's really rude. This was written in April of this year. So it's like a CD. It's not. It's like not. Was it used? No, I don't think so. But you can buy this if you want the like red, red colored vinyl. It's only 150 Well, I don't. The CD you can buy for $13. But yeah, I'm curious where, like what, oh, this was originally released in 2022. What are you talking about? A very Backstreet Christmas. Oh, so this is like a new joke, like, oh, this came out

and I know how much you hate. Yeah, must have been. Here's their new album. Okay. But I'm still surprised, like if they actually heard the sound quality in what situation are you with a co-worker where there's a CD player that you can play? I guess in a carpool, maybe you could be like, hey, I got you a new CD on the way to work, you know, and like, let me put it in the car car because that I feel like you could have a built in car CD player. That's where I, and then maybe if you're at work and you have like those old school dells, maybe that

one of those has a CD drive. Well, I bet a lot of, but like, can you imagine someone and someone listening? I'm sure does this in 2024, opening a CD drive, putting a music CD in closing it and then like listening to it, hearing it were and then waiting and then having like iTunes completely butcher all this. Yeah. Like if you're burning a CD, I would still do that. If I had like my car that played CDs, I burned CDs within the past five years. But like to play a CD and not download it, you know what I mean? In a computer drive is a wild thing. Because if you have like YouTube or Spotify, you know, it's a lot quicker.

If you have access to the internet, you're right. Any access to the internet on that computer, what are you doing? Okay. Okay. So this is from Avi, who they, them who wrote hi X and X. Now this is just one of those where Avi and I are a little bit curious about this whole situation because the gift that they received or that they sent is this book, this Amazon user I mean, and they apparently gave a book called Spirit of Place, Lucy Maud Montgomery and Prince Edward Island. Already sounds like the most boring book ever unless you're interested in this very specific

part of the world. But so it's a Prince Edward Island, like I guess history book. It says photographs of Prince Edward Island are paired with quotations from L.M. Montgomery's letters and diaries. And this is by L.M. Montgomery's Letters and Diaries. And this is by L.M. Montgomery. Yeah, L.M. Montgomery, the influence that Elle had on Prince Edward Island's,

like, it was... That's enough, shut up. No, no, no. It was in my lighthouse research because there's a lighthouse there and there was like some sort of erosion thing. And L.M. Montgomery was part of the, like, effort to re-stabilize the shoreline or something and make sure that the you're making that up. Lighthouses didn't see that. I don't know. You're making that up. Who's L.M. Montgomery? I don't know but you're making me mad. Clearly you don't know

because you weren't sure. It's upsetting because you get better and better at it and it's like starting to tick me off because you really push it you know I did push that one oh my god this this person was born in 1874 yeah I know did you see the book I saw her picture though yeah she's she looks oh wait oh wait oh my, she wrote Anne of Green Gables. That's important. Oh. Oops. I just read that. Oops. So here's a review of this book, okay?

Okay. And as Avi said. Oh, I see the book now, sorry. Oh, you see the book? Oh, I say that a long time ago. I didn't know you sent me a text. We weren't doing that anymore. That's why I didn't want.

I said I'm sending you a picture. So this is now what Avi said was as a polite former Michigander I am deeply shocked and offended by this. Okay one star verified purchase by Robin Marie What a waste of money. I bought this as a gift and was told This was the worst gift I'd ever give Oh No. I agreed. First of all, then why did you give it? That doesn't make sense. You wouldn't have given it if you thought it was the worst.

Whatever. What a waste of money. I bought this as a gift and was told this was the worst gift I'd ever given. I agreed. The photos are beyond mediocre, beyond. I could have taken better on my street block. I felt an amateur photographer and writer

capitalized on the love that many have for Prince Edward Island because of the world LMM built in her wonderful stories. But instead of creating a worthwhile product, they created this horribly dull book. I regret purchasing it. End of review. Wow.

And the title is horrible boring book. Like jeez. Look, it looks boring. Don't get me wrong. That's why you would buy it. Cause it's like only interesting if that's your cup of tea. Yeah, yeah. I didn't know.

It's so weird. I didn't know Anne of Green Gables took place on Prince Edward. Like this is all new to me. I've never read that book. So I didn't know that either. I also didn't read the book. Oh, interesting.

They also rated a book called Strawberry Kisses. Kiss me book one. But they said that it was two stars. So they don't really have they they have, they don't, they don't like a lot of books. It looks like they're giving a lot of books very negative reviews. So they just don't like reading maybe.

Maybe they should just stop reading. Maybe they should stop reading books, but also it feels like the one that they got was mostly photographs, so I don't really know why. That's true, and They wasn't even for themselves Well, which is the wildest part they told me this is the worst gift I'd ever given Says that what kind of friends do you have? Yeah, I'm thinking maybe you should family members I give that person a gift again. I don't they don't deserve any fucking gifts like seriously

That's like a really rude thing to say yes I agree I agree that's about to me once dad said that yeah it was a pretty bad gift though was it I'm not telling here's a one-star review I was a kid was he serious yeah that's not nice I know but it was a pretty bad gift. Here's a one-star. Is this something you made? No. Thank God. That would have been really sad. Okay, fine.

I think this is embarrassing for both of us. Is it a golf thing? Kind of. Yeah, I remember. This was my GameCube. It's all my GameCube. Oh my God, that's right. I had this GameCube and he was obsessed with Tiger Woods PGA Tour.

Like, I don't know what year it was back then, whichever one. I think they had like DMX playing when you opened the menu. But he like beat Super Tiger and everything and loved it, whatever. But I was upgrading, I think, to like, I don't know if I was getting a 360 or if this was like, I don't know what. Maybe I was getting a Wii. I don't know if I was getting a 360 or if this was like, I don't know what, maybe I was getting a Wii, I don't know, but I sold the GameCube and he got really, like he was upset, not like mad,

he was just like sad because I would like bring it over from mom's house or whatever. So I gave him the memory card that had his like, super tiger beanie. Because I, as a kid, I was like, Oh, this is nice. Like this is like a meaningful thing for me. Don't worry. I saved this.

I thought you got him like a new game. I did not. I got him nothing of use. Like, what's he going to do with a GameCube memory card? That's actually hilarious. So now I'm like embarrassed by it. And I bet he like, well, he was like, he didn't say, well, he said it was, I think he was like, what do I do with this? Like,

dad is like the world's weirdest gift giver in the world. So I don't think I learned it from, I guess so. Like I don't, I mean, at least yours was thoughtful. Like I had like meaning behind it. I feel like his are just random, but I probably got him that cause I had, I couldn't find anything at the school like Yeah, because you were 10 or something. I was probably older than that. You were probably 15. It doesn't matter.

Okay. Anyway, anyway. Listen, we'll talk about it later. I don't know why that of all stories I get, I'm like weirdly embarrassed to share. I ain't got to write that down for therapy. That means you got to do some shadow work about it because it means that it's triggering something inside you. And you got to sit there and really feel the feeling even though it sucks. You got to pinpoint where in your body it is. Okay. It's anyway,

always is. Here's a one star review. Worst of a type of a thing. I haven't even told you about it's Norman Rockwell's scrapbook for, um, young boy, for a young boy. for a young boy, it's like a little scrapbook looking thing from 1979. Okay, I mean it sounds fine, right? So there's like a page where you can write down miscellaneous facts. Names, addresses, and phone numbers page. Different Norman Rockwell like paintings like printed on pages anyway the budding nine-year-old Norman Rockwell

family exactly here is a one-star review it's the only review of this product this feels like something dad would have given us actually well and this is a one-star review and not a verified purchase you'll see why titled worst Christmas gift a child could get so I received an R scrapbook for a young boy of you and not a verified purchase, you'll see why. Titled Worst Christmas Gift A Child Could Get. So I received NR Scrapbook for a young boy in 1980 or 81 when I was nine or 10 years old. I clearly remember getting it from my parents and thinking, what is this?

Not in a good way. For years, this blank scrapbook haunted the back reaches of my closet. A few times I moved it into the hall game closet or tossed it out, it would magically appear back in my room. My father was one not to waste, even if it was something I would never use. It wasn't until I moved out in my early twenties that I finally left it behind, forgotten in a box somewhere in the deep recesses of my parents' attic. Yet almost 20 years later, it appears again in my home. My father, while

cleaning out the attic, decided to bring a few mementos to our home while visiting his new grandson. Here it sits in pristine condition, the odd booklet of Norman Rockwell photos put to verse that makes one think, why, what strapping young lad wouldn't enjoy this? The reply being none. Followed by a few pages of scrapbooking ideas for boys, and we all know how boys love to scrapbook, right up there with doing taxes. Then a huge stack of construction paper.

Now I am sure I had several occasions in need to this paper, but my loathe of this book made me put it out of my mind as an option. This is now the kind of gift a spinster great aunt who had no children or all girls would give to a young boy. A thoughtless gift, really. Why in my father's mind would he curse me with this book, I do not know. But I do know I need to put an end to this book and to make sure no one else makes this mistake. Do not give this to a young boy or young man. Today I am throwing mine out for good once and for all and finally everything

was right in the jungle. End of review. Holy shit. It's talk about breaking the cycle. You got to end the cycle. And you have a son now and that son is in his little crib and grandpa tries to tries to come over and bring this in our scrapbook situation to his bedside. No, no, this can't stand you can't stand for this any longer. No, it has to come to an end because we cannot have a generation of boys raised on Norman Rockwell's scrapbook for a young boy.

Imagine. Imagine. It's honestly terrifying to think. What kind of hellscape this world would be. Is that not the most like Elsie gift ever though? Yes. Like, oh, a book for a young boy. It's probably something that she was like, oh, I like,

my brothers loved this when I was little. Right, exactly. I feel like it would be the exact, yeah. I know exactly the type of people who would actually buy this. And I, as a kid, would have probably liked it, although it does say it's for boys, so I don't know. I will say, it looks just like a.

I don't think you would have liked it very much if you opened that. I would never have used it. Rather than a GameCube or something. I would never have used it, but I would not have had this reaction. That's what I was gonna say too, is like I feel like this person's claiming

that their dad is haunting them with a book, but it almost feels like this reviewer has created this animosity and this relationship with the book themselves. Your parents presumably gave you other things over the years, but this is the one that like you just, I mean, I guess throwing it out and then having it come back, that's pretty haunting.

That was, seems like that was not on you. But you know, I feel like, yeah, it got really intense there. It feels like maybe they need to do a little bit of like, letting go. It's not like your dad is forcing you to go on the Amazon page. Find the Amazon page for this thing that he gave you in 19. He's probably like, well, I don't remember this.

Like I just found this. I thought it was kind of fun. He probably says, keep leaving, stop leaving this at my fucking house. I don't want it anymore. It was a shitty gift they gave you then. And I don't want it. Yeah, exactly.

I don't want to have my house either. And they're like, just throw it away. And the dad's like, you know, I can't do that because the recycling in my district is different. They might have a fully good excuse. This is glossy paper. You know, you know my county doesn't recycle that. You know how we feel about this son. in my district is different. They might have a fully good excuse. They're like, here. You can't get rid of that. This is glossy paper.

You know my county doesn't recycle that. You know how we feel about this son. And the son's like, I hate the environment. And then the boy, the little boy is like, Papa, may I have some washi tape? I'd really like to scrapbook today. I found this nice leaf. And then he goes,

Oh my God, I've ruined everything. And then he goes, oh my god, I've ruined everything. So. He's like, father, can I look at paintings of Americana? Yeah, and he's like, Norman, what did I tell you? Wait a minute. What if he named his kid Norman, but like, Holy shit. Didn't make the connection to the book came back.

Didn't even realize it was just, now, then I changed my mind. You are being haunted by this book. If that's the case, no, actually you're being haunted by Norman Rockwell himself, I think. Kind of cool. Yeah, which is pretty kick ass. Stop complaining is what I'm trying to say. Okay, the next one I have, Sandy,

was sent in by Chelsea, she, her. But actually, this was technically one of your challenge emails, but I opened it and it seemed to actually fit pretty well for the other challenge anyway, so. So you sold it. I just went with it. Well actually fit pretty well for the other challenge anyway. So I just went with it. Well, because it was an Amazon link and I thought how is this related to a chairlift?

Well, it's because Chelsea- The Amazon listing of a chairlift. Well, sort of, because Chelsea wrote, I'm an occupational therapist and I assumed you meant this type of chairlift. I was about 30 minutes into my research before I realized you meant a ski chairlift. So I thought, you know what, I'll give them some life

because they do actually fit kind of the like gift disappointed situation. You said occupational therapist and I was like, huh, what kind, oh my God. What does that mean? I was like, duh. I thought it was gonna be something horrible about like broken ankles skiing,

but then it was like, no. So this is like, what's another name for this? Okay, so this is not what you, I mean, this is actually just one of these inclined chairs that you sit in and it pushes you out. It's like a lazy boy, but it like pushes you out of the chair to stand from sitting this way. Oh, I see, I see, I see.

It's not a stair chair. In my head, it was, I was gonna call it a stair master because I also don't go on those. I always call it that. But that's not what that is. But it's not. That's just literally. And I think of, who do you, okay.

What actor do you think of when you think of a chair lift or a chair stair thing? Sorry, what actor? Yeah. Like what character? Like what random, yeah. Like what random actor do you think of? Do you think of a random actor

when you think of like a scene? I think of a very a scene from the commercials. Okay. I'm picturing. Oh, but, um, well, okay. The problem is I just watched something where someone was using a, what are you thinking of? Jack Black. Oh, oh, that's from the office, the movie within the office, right? Oh, that's actually really funny. That's why I said a random actor, because I was like, I always think of Jack Black and that old lady in that- Leachman, what's her name?

Chloris. Is it Chloris? I think so. I almost said that and I was like, that doesn't sound right. It's not, well, that's the point, it never sounds right, but it was Chloris Leachman. And she like plays the elderly woman and then, but it's like they're watching it

in their movie club or whatever. They're watching it. It's like, but it's Jack in the office. It's a very weird meta thing, but anyway, every time I think of one of those stair lifts. I think I was trying to come up with that because I was like, there's something with some old lady.

There's something nagging at you. I knew you would have seen that a million times. But anyway, this is not that, sorry everyone, this is the kind of chair where you sit in it and then if you watch Grace and Frankie, there's one in there where it like lifts you up to your feet. And let me see, it's just brown.

It sounds so useful. Yeah, it sounds really nice actually. Every senior should get one of those for free. Every person should get one of those. Oh, I literally just have a platform and you take it and make it better. I can't with this. I finally you have all your That's why you're my vice president Okay, I'll take it. Okay, you can take over once. I'm assassinated because I'm pretty sure that'll happen. No, it won't wink. Oh I don't know what that means, but it can't be good. Okay one star and this is a review by Michelle

You shouldn't have taken that role as CEO of she for madness our company Yeah, oh I made myself a target you made yourself see I'm just saying you made yourself CEO Have you ever watched succession people get into hot water real fast when they're messing with billions of dollars. Have you seen Real Life lately? Yeah. Yeah, I have. Actually, thanks for asking.

It's a fair question for either of us. Sometimes we shut ourselves out. I left the house today, which is more than I've done in several days. So, you know, you're right to ask. This is one star it's by Michelle and it's of this like lift to stand power lift recliner chair it's what it's called with an extended it says with extended footrest for elderly people thank you Amazon that's nice okay here is the one serve you by Michelle verified purchase the title is bad

timing the chair is amazing however my dad had it less than a week before he by Michelle, verified purchase. The title is Bad Timing. The chair is amazing. However, my dad had it less than a week before he passed away. Now I don't know what to do with it. End of review. So just really unfortunate. Oh no. Bad timing, you know? That is bad timing.

He died a week after we got this thing, now what? What are you gonna do? What does the come? I guess they're the point of doing this is like take it back Amazon. And by the way, it's a one star review. It feels unfair. Like Christina, Christina, it killed him.

He's still in it. What does that? No, he's buried. Is that why they won't take it back? Oh, no. Sometimes we need a little something to break up those long winter nights, so why don't you treat yourself to a little something, but you don't have to spend a fortune on your winter blues because we've got quince today quince is here with us When thank goodness it is because we love quince we do they're one of our closest friends

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Where? Your right wrist? Nothing. What was that? Was that a tattoo? I got a new tattoo. But then I wrote on my hand. Oh, that's your, you haven't shown me, did you?

Or you did, you told me about it. I told you about it on the phone. But I saw those words, I was like, you told me. Well, then I wrote on it and then it got with my left hand and I wrote it with a tattoo pen so it won't come off. Oh shit. I tried to write the word trust and now it looks like chiller font.

Yeah. It looks like final destination. Kind of freaks me out. Like the tattoo, it's like the difference between that, like that nice looking tattoo and then whatever the fuck is scrawled on your face. It looks like a criminal minds unsub handwriting. That's why I called it. I was like, is that more? I was like, I don't remember it being that much.

Oh my God. I feel like, and I don't know how to get it off. Cause the more I put like moisturizer on it, it like stays longer and I'm like, oh wait, I need to figure out anyway. So that's on my hand. Sorry. Your turn. Okay. Let's see, where am I?

I'm gonna do this lovely review. This is of a once again natural crunchy peanut butter, 35 pound bucket, salt-free, unsweetened, gluten-free certified vegan kosher, blah blah blah. It is 35 pounds. 35 pounds of peanut butter. That's more than the Yona ways, I think. Dry roasted blanched peanuts.

It's just like a white bucket with peanut butter. So it's like for cafeteria or something. I assume it's not, oh, it's once again brand, like that brand that's, I always see it and it's very expensive, maybe. Once upon a child? Yeah. They sell peanut butter, but only the size of a child.

Once upon a child, we placed a big bucket and decided that was the bright side of our peanut butter sales. Yes. Here is a five star review by David. What to know before buying a 35 pound bucket of peanut butter. I hate peanut butter. Worst Christmas gift ever. End of review.

What? Wait, why is this? Is this another joke where somebody said, I know how much you fucking hate peanut butter. I bought 35 pounds of it. I don't know. But like their only other review is of some advanced like iron supplement, derma iron supplement. And it's a real review. So like, I don't know if it's an old person who just doesn't know what they're doing. Oh right, but it's not a it is not a Verified purchase so most likely not a verified purchase. Okay. Wow Well, thank you for your input Person, that's really helpful review. Did anybody find it helpful? I wonder two people

and that's really helpful review. Did anybody find it helpful, I wonder? Two people. Wow, that's amazing. So they were like, I was considering getting this as a gift for someone, but maybe I'll reconsider. Okay, so this is one that was sent in by Sophie, she, her. It's a review of a, I'm sorry, how do I even say this?

A shart kit, a shart kit? Excuse me? I know, I'm sorry. You're asking me how? A shart kit. A shart kit? Excuse me? I know. I'm sorry. You're asking me how to say shart kit. I don't know why I'm saying it. How you say shart kit? How you say? It's called shart survival kit for when it hits the fan. Did you fart in a little bit?

Came out, we've got you covered, even though you're sphincter didn't. Ha ha ha. Okay, but it actually does contain wet wipes, disposable underwear, tissues, and hilarious badge, which, okay, I think we could do. A badge? Do without that part, cause that's really.

Do do without that, no you can't. Ha ha ha. Also, can we talk about the picture that they did where they just Photoshopped it into a bunch of festive settings? Like they did probably all their products and everyone's just like having a jolly old time and holding this, I just texted it to you.

Yeah. Highlight of the occasion, let's hope not. Highlight of the occasion. Why does it say that it would be the highlight? No one. Look at this brunch they're having at work down at the bottom right. This is a joke. This is like on their lunch break at the office The top right with the dad father's day father's day short survival. This is hilarious Oh, I can't okay. These people are funny. What a good way

Like if I were a stock photo model like stock image model, I would I would save all these for these Yeah, this would go in my portfolio for sure what about this one this one's my favorite oh wait I just need the same one don't look at that it's the same one my favorite too so far this one might be it here it comes chart happens be prepared This is so funny. The guy looks so sad. He looks like he's in one of those insurance commercials where things have gone really wrong.

Oh, and by the way, the pin says, I survived a shart attack. This is insane. This is deeply insane. So, wow. So this is a review of this product, sent in by Sophie. It's five stars by Autumn, called, Maybe a Gag Gift, but Came in Handy, Verified Purchase.

And this is sort of like the opposite of the challenge. I just thought like, it's a fun twist on the challenge. Okay, by doing opposite, got it. Yeah, well it's like they got it as a shitty gift. Oh, it was meant to be terrible. A disappointing gift. And then they said, actually, maybe not interesting. The compact size is good. We had it in our car in case of an emergency.

Yes, we actually decided to see if we could use it to our benefit. The functionality was also good. Someone I knew had, of course, a mild shart attack in my car on our way out of town. Needless to say, this shouldn't be considered a gag gift. It should be a real emergency shart kit. We'll think about getting another one once we completely use our current one. Good value and for product and money. Get it. It's definitely worth it. End of review.

So basically their one complaint is that it's marketed as a joke, but it shouldn't be. This isn't disappointing everyone everyone this is actually really useful also. I would argue just get a pack of wet wipes and Adult diapers that's like all it is and it's by the way $40 and if you're a guy just get some dude wipes because you can't see what can't be seen with regular ones Like this thing just has tissues disposable undies. It doesn't even have like a spray for like scent, you know What about the snow? No, no poo-poo. It doesn't even have like a spray for like scent, you know, what about the snow? No, no, poo purry. It says instructional care card. I sharded now what? And then a badge. So like.

Instructional care card to kick care for yourself. Like you learn how to wipe yourself with it. I understand this is a gag product, so it's really funny to me. Don't get me wrong. I need you to understand that the back says, be ready anytime for that chocolate mud slide. Jesus Christ. And it literally says, playing basketball, stuck in traffic, jury duty, or the birth of your first child.

Not your second though. No. Just your first. No, just the first. Not sure if you should gamble on that trouser cough. Now you can let them rip with the Shart Survival Kit, a complete on-the-go kit for anywhere and anytime that little squeaker turns into a big leaker.

It's so bad. It's so stupid. I can't believe this is happening. Oh my God, I might get this for dad's just so I get to be the one who gave him the worst gift ever. Your turn. My next one is a review of Balloon Pump Electric Air Pump Inflator Deflator Multifunctional

for Inflatables Balloons Party Decoration. It is a balloon pump. Oh, okay. It's like a little, it's a box with a tube and different novels. Okay, I did. Among other things, the first two words were balloon pump. Well, I wasn't listening at that part. Oh, okay, sorry. I should have said it at the end as well, just in case. Here's a five-star review. A verified purchase of this balloon pump. My girlfriend hated this gift. Ella Mayo, but hey, I never have to help

with the balloons again. Best gift idea ever. Winning! It works perfectly too. If I ever need a new girlfriend, I'm buying another one. Or taking this one with me. LOL. End of review.

Oh, what? One person found this helpful. That's good. I think it was the girlfriend who was like, this is good because actually it ended up teaching me I needed to venture out and find someone new. Weaponized incompetence, yeah. Well, here's the thing, you could also do what Blaze does,

which is the claim that he's never blown up a balloon in his life Why I trust me I'm still flummoxed by the whole thing he told me he's never blown up a balloon in his life Huh still like he still hasn't nope Huh, you know what he did? He blew it up like this and he says, I don't know how. Huh? Weaponized incompetence. Remarkable. Remarkable. Not that I haven't done something like that. I'm so glad I finally got to say that out loud.

Of all things Blaze, you know what? That's one of the okay-est weaponized forms of weaponized incompetence blowing up. I guess, but I don't think he ever ordered me a fucking balloon pump. Maybe that would have been nice. True. Well, um, I do have an update on this reviewer, uh, and this is not any sort of shame thing and this might not have any, uh, association to this relationship might have not, might not be relevant, but I'm just going to state a fact. Um, about a year after this review,

this person gave a two star review to a sex doll male masturbator stroker with three in one big breast, tight pussy and ass adult or so sex toy dolls for men orgasm 21 pounds. Look, nothing against using sex dolls. Look, you do whatever you want in your own home. I'm not judging the person. I'm just saying it's not about judgment. It's about context. The context a narrative that I'm following. Yeah. I'm following the well, I'm following the narrative as well.

Alexander, that's incredible. I'm not. This is the biggest clue we've ever gotten. The reason I opened their profile was because I was like, huh, I wonder if there's any reference to the girlfriend. And it's very, when you open the reviews, they have little thumbnails. And I was, okay, I was actually in public at a cafe

Using public Wi-Fi when I opened this reviewers page and I saw that and I thought I probably shouldn't open this sex Yeah, and so I didn't open it until now 21-pound oh I see good good. Yeah, but on your own Wi-Fi. That's great. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Which cause it's used to it. Oh, right. It was like, oh, you're all, oh, the usual sir. Alexander. Yeah. The usual tip of the hat. And said, ah, fine choice today. My fine choice today. I should have known. I should have had it ready for you. Here's your little platter of almond milk that you request after your outing? After my outing? My almond milk and my sex torsos. I just watched Aristocats, if that explains anything. Oh, well, your obsession with sex torsos?

It's from Aristocats. Hey, that movie at the beginning said, we've deleted some offensive stuff out of this thing, so I don't know what on earth. don't know yeah I'm hoping those cats for one that's which ones you know which ones don't ask which ones you know which ones are offensive. Actually I'll be honest I don't know if they were even in it because I remember having seen it recently and going wow I can't believe that's still in there but some movies at the beginning, some Disney movies say,

there's some upsetting stuff in here. So sometimes they delete it and sometimes they don't. Sometimes they just put a warning. But yeah, it's rough times. Okay, is it your turn or my turn? I can read more reviews of sex dolls, but I think it's your turn. Not that I read any, but.

This is my last one. How many do you have? I have one more. Okay, I'm really excited about this one, by the way. Good, do you want me to go first? Would you rather finish on that one? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sounded like it.

Although I am kind of excited for this one because this is a review of Cat Massage DVD by Mary Jean Ballner. I like this. First of all, how dare you claim this is a fucking worst gift ever, whoever you are. Don't worry, it's a positive review at least. Oh, okay. But yeah, it's a whiskers to tail guide

to your cat's ultimate petting experience. It's intended to teach you how to massage your cat. This feels like one of those TikToks where they like find an old instructional video and just let you watch it on TikTok. That's literally what this is, is an old, it says as seen on TV, it's an old instructional video. I remember, I've seen this on TikTok then.

Okay, yeah, it was released in 2006, so I guess not that long ago. Oh, maybe not that long ago, then nevermind. But here we go, here is a three-star review, verified purchase. My sister and I get each other a worst Christmas gift instead of serious ones, and we make a contest out of it. That's so good! I'm sorry, that's so good. I want to do that.

Sandy, can we do that? Please? I don't care. Sure. You don't care. Well, then so fun. I mean, yes, I would love to. I'm sorry. I'm in. Thank you. You're welcome. While I'm sure this is helpful to some, I am using it as a prank. Sorry to those who are fans. End of review.

At least it's a positive. Yeah, it's three stars. That's the lowest review. There are only three total, but there's a three star, a four star, and a five star. And apparently at the end of the video, she sings a sweet little song to her cat that she made up in the video. Oh, that's nice. I mean, I would watch this. I've lately been playing like oldies. Massaging videos.

It's called, well, it can be. It's called Fireplace While Christmas Oldies Play in the Other Room. And so I've been playing that on my A-L-E-X-A and while I do work and it's like really nice because I feel kind of like. Cozy. I'm in a different era, you know. I mean a worse one. In like Mad Men.

Yeah. No, it's usually even before World War II because it's like usually the 30s. It's like gramophone No, I'm not kidding and it's like home It's like so soothing to me for some reason like I don't know kind of freaked out by this really Probably freaky. I uh, it's you should play it on that old radio you have ah That's not a bad idea.

It is weird to turn on that old radio that, so Blaze's parents got us for, I think, a housewarming gift, this beautiful old standing radio from, I think, like the 60s. And they had it repaired by this guy in Connecticut who repairs antique radios. And it plays only am so like we're very limited but we're right by the river so we can play the

Reds games but it is very weird to have like famous comes out of the river. Well I mean we're near the sorry whatever I'm kidding. That made sense to the river we get all the Alexander. Well we like to watch fish baseball. Well, actually, we like to listen. We don't like to watch it, we like to listen to it, which is why we play that. We save that for the radio.

It's like, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug. Yeah, it does kind of actually sound... Glug! That's actually pretty close to what my gramophone sounds like. Anyway, but it's very weird to play the Reds game and then in the middle of a commercial, it's like, not a bit, but it's on an old ass radio,

you know, and it's like, this is Ryan Seacrest, or something, and you're like, God, what the fuck? I didn't know Ryan made the switch to AM. He'd never had a day to be on AM. I know, you know what I mean, but it'll be like, I'm Joey the Monster Man. This is W-O-W, I'm Carl and I'll kick your ass and kiss your wife. Don't.

I'm Carl and I'm going to kick your ass and kiss your wife. Who did you just make up? Or is this a real person you know that we need to be warned about? I hate that I named him Carl. We have enough of those in our lives. Too many. Oh, is that why Blaze was beat up? Did Carl stop by?

And why I had my lipstick smudged? Oh, Carl came by. What else is new? Well, we are near the river, so. He swam over. He caught the fish baseball game. What else is new? Well, we are near the river so Swim over The fish baseball game the end of it at least you knew you'd be right at the radio You love the after game of the postgame show especially so you

Ryan see crest with Ryan see crest Wow especially so if you knew the timing worked out. With Ryan Seacrest. With Ryan Seacrest. Wow. Okay. You wanna read your review? This is so good and bad. This is a review of something called Lobstergram. Now- Is this a new app I should download? I feel like literally maybe.

I'm sending you a link because I want you to open just the link. Why did you just make that sound? I'm sorry. I don't trust you. A link? I'm not clicking a link to Lobstergram. Alexander, just click it and just ignore all the... What?

So see all the lobster. Okay. The corn. Yeah. The thumbnail for this text you just sent me is just someone holding So see all the lobster, okay. The corn. Yeah. The thumbnail for this text you just sent me is just someone holding a quart of cob over a sink. Oh, I haven't seen the thumbnail.

I just. That's the first photo on this page is someone holding a corn. Right, but there's also some pictures of lobsters, I think. Yeah, there are. But the first one is someone holding a cup of corn. So that was just a big, a hand holding corn anyway. Okay, basically this is a delivery of gift baskets of,

you can deliver lobster tail, lobsters, crab, shrimp. And they call it lobster gram. Like that would make me think someone dressed in a lobster suit is coming to my door. Ux and I need you to understand right now that I just opened from the business and it says history established in 1987. Dan the lobster man started lobster Graham as a one man show handling everything himself. And I obviously only picture him in a lobster show. This is a one man show. This is a show like at the Black Box Theater in Chicago down the road.

Yeah. Handling everything from packing and shipping. All those fish. Okay, whatever. He decided a local store was needed. In 2011, we opened the Chicago warehouse store to serve the local market. The store has built up quite a loyal following.

Okay, so basically Lobster Graham has been its name since the 80s, which is an interesting choice. But- Hey, if it's still around after all that- He must be doing something, right? You know? Or very wrong, I don't know. It's, who could say, honestly?

So this is a three-star review. Sorry, I opened their website? Yep. It's legit. So this is a three-star review. Sorry, I opened their website. Yep. It's legit. What do you mean it's legit? Their website is a lot more legit than their Yelp page gives them credit for. Oh, I see.

With that giant thing of corn. Oh my God. Where's the vegan section? I know, right? Well, let me see. Well, that's what the corn was. I tried to send you the vegan section. It's a big thing of corn. This is wild to me. He's Wow, I

Could just send you colossal snow crab claws Do you start to the hundred forty dollars? So I don't threaten me with a good time. You know what I mean? This is insane. Okay. Sorry. I'll let you talk I needed you to have the experience for yourself, you know, and that feeling of discovery. So now I have a three-star review for you. This is by Anna in Brooklyn. I don't even know where to begin here.

I'm leaving three stars because Lobstergram wasn't really at fault here. Let me set the scene. It's 4 p.m. on New Year's Eve. I come home from work, a pretty high-stress job, and have a notification that I had a package delivered. I pick the package up, walk into my apartment. The package is a sealed styrofoam cooler.

I'm thinking that it's some sort of frozen food or what the hell ever. I can't even begin to describe the sounds that came from my body when I opened the package to find two live lobsters crawling around. No. Note, I did not buy these. They were sent as a gift.

I immediately entered a complete nuclear meltdown with screams, tears, and hyperventilation. This gift has now turned into a fucking problem that I have to deal with. My first thoughts were to either release them into the ocean, or buy a saltwater aquarium and become a lobster mom. These lobsters were rather lethargic and didn't appear to have a high likelihood of survival in the ocean, or in the home I would try to obtain, so there I was sobbing in my living room with two lobsters who certainly did not deserve this end to their life. A lot of screams of what the actual fuck happened as well. After brainstorming with my equally shocked but

supportive partner, we reached out to some friends who agreed to rearrange their New Year's Eve plans to help my emotional stability and humanely end the lobster's lives. What can Lobster Graham do to improve? Maybe ensure that the recipient knows that they are going to be receiving living creatures in the mail. Maybe give them the option to select something else. Maybe nudge the buyers to check with the recipient that they are not going to have an epic meltdown over getting two live lobsters delivered to their home. This was the worst gift I have ever received and I can only hope to leave this bullshit in 2019 end of review. I think we have a winner

for the worst gift Yeah, I have a photo and the caption of the photo just says you didn't deserve to die this way Oh my god, is this not the saddest thing that's ever happened? Was she like holding a gun to the lobster's head or something? Like what did she end up doing? Like all she said she called her neighbors right? But like oh you sent it sorry. Oh no. When you said the sound that came from I thought you were going to say from the package. I know. Things are alive. So then I calmed down when you said my body and I was like oh okay.

And then you said when live lobster and I got right back in there and you know, it's so fucked up. This place is in Chicago. So they were shipped from Chicago to Brooklyn. Dan the lobster man. That's where he based his shop. You're right. This is really dark anyway. And it's just like a styrofoam cooler with these poor lobsters like smashed into it. For certain distances they just throw them in alive because they're like, Oh,

they'll be dead by the time they get there. Literally. And by the way, like there's a container of butter next to them and a full lemon for you to just cut up and squeeze. So they're like next to the accessories of their future death, like their future corpse. Like this is how you'd pack it. like their future corpse. Like this is how you'd pack it. If you're,

you'd like pack it this way. If you're like taking it to on your boat or on a trip, I don't know what you would on a picnic, a lobster picnic. I don't know who travels, but like this is what no, what you don't mail it. That's crazy to me. It's so weird. It's a lemon, one ice pack, a lemon. And by the way, imagine how jumbled up they got in there. You know, there's no fucking- I hate that idea. Yeah, that sounds- Structure in this box. I mean, it's really like kind of a dark thing.

But yeah, so I would have freaked out too. Like I admittedly have eaten lobster in my life and I just, I'm one of those hypocrites who won't cook it myself and I don't like to eat it anymore because I don't want it to be killed. But anyway, it just makes me uncomfy to think of having them in my home especially

and not knowing what to do with them. Yeah, if you're not expecting it. If I had a lot that show up in my door, I don't know what I'd do. My God. I'd just put it in front of someone else's door. Something like that did happen to me. Oh, the plate of uncovered strawberries?

No, it was even more traumatic. It was the time that I was home sick from school, not really, but I was faking it. And I was outside on the front porch and the mail came and I was writing in my live journal or my Zanga, I think it was my live journal and this box had opened immediately and I opened it and you had bought a bunch of live ants off the internet. Yeah, and so from a catalog, I can't quite recall.

So I did open a box of live ants one time unexpectedly and so that did sort of happen to me and I did scream. Well, I mean, and then the FBI came because you opened my mail and I reported you to the authorities. That's right. And I was in prison for- Postmaster General came and- Yeah, I was in prison for a few years,

but it was in postal prison. So it wasn't like quite as bad. And your personality really got better from your stint. Thank you. Yeah. I've been trying. But I think we could send you back for a little bit, a little more marinating, you know? But...

All right. Okay, just after this episode. Can you at least let me enjoy one more of your really good reviews that you've brought? Yeah, let me give you, you know what? I'll be nice. I'll give you multiple. This is my challenge. Thank you, my liege.

You're so welcome. see optimum points, visit superstore.ca to get started. As a Fizz member, you can look forward to free data, big savings on plans, and having your unused data roll over to the following month, every month. At Fizz, you always get more for your money. Terms and conditions for our different programs and policies apply, details at fizz.ca. ["Fizz on the Block"]

That my challenge is supposedly from Brad, I don't know, you didn't tell me and I don't look. This is of chairlift mishaps and not the kinds that are used to raise seniors. Well, sometimes, but the ones that are outside. When our dad falls off of them. Yeah. It didn't raise him at all. It didn't raise him. It didn't work at all. We tried to raise him.

Here's a four star review. This one was sent in by Marissa. I like how you tried to say that chairlifts don't raise, don't work for seniors. You're like, they're chairlifts, but not the kind that let seniors on. not the kind that brings seniors up a mountain. You hit 67, you're out. Yeah, you're not allowed. Maybe it's for the best though.

Maybe here's a four star review sent in by Marissa of Alpine Valley. This is somewhere in Michigan, Michigan. Yeah, somewhere in Michigan. Four stars. Somewhere in Michigan. Yeah, somewhere in Michigan. Four stars. Would be cool if the chairlifts were nicer or didn't throw you into trees, but otherwise great place to hang out and practice the winter sports. End of review. Oh my God. And practice like survival skills and emergency parachuting and some other things that you might run into.

Launch you into a into. Launch you into a tree. That is actually very dangerous, I'll be honest. That sounds very very bad. Yeah I don't think that's tree skiing and tree... no not a good combo. My next one was sent in by Esme and it's a one-star review of Winter Park Ski Resort in Winter Park, Colorado Here we go Lost my phone on the ski lift my fault for sure, but I could see where it had fallen I could see it from the lift the lift people wouldn't let me duck under the ropes to grab it Nor did anyone lift a finger to help me get it

I could have had it in 20 seconds just 20 seconds to stop the lift and grab it They told me not to worry about it. They'll get it at the could have had it in 20 seconds, just 20 seconds to stop the lift and grab it. They told me not to worry about it. They'll get it at the end of the day. We came back at the end of the day. No one had bothered to grab it and overnight it was buried in snow. So when we called the next day, they said, tough luck. The only ones who seemed to care at all were the ski patrol. So big thanks to those folks for having a second look for us. Yeah, seems like they had nothing better to do. The ski patrol. Thank you for bothering them about it. Yeah.

Sorry, I shouldn't be rude. It sucks to lose your phone, but. I could understand if I didn't know where it fell. I could understand if it wasn't directly in my line of sight, completely accessible within reach. I will not be back here. And folks, I recommend jacket pockets with zippers on them. Also, if you drop your phone at the top or the bottom of the lift, just climb under the ropes and grab it. You'll get kicked off the mountain, but at least you'll have your phone back. No, no, no, no, no. We're not climbing under any ropes. I just listened to an episode of Casefile where

somebody was killed on a thing because they went through like a shortcut. Don't fuck around with that. Listen, if there are ropes, they're there for a reason. It's like the guy that Kings Island just got killed by a coaster because he getting his phone or his wall, his keys, I think. I don't know his keys. But don't don't fuck with that.

Don't do that. But it's not done Updated review it's been eight months and they never called me back. So apparently they've not found my phone. On what phone? Come on You got to realize they have no way to contact you They're calling it but just ringing in their hands. No, it's just ringing in the fucking mountain. How are they supposed to get it? Okay, that's just ringing in the fucking mountain. How are they supposed to get it? Okay, that's true. It's buried.

Likely never even tried looking. To any employee who might see this, please check under the Endeavor lift at the very top, right where you get out of the seats. It's right inside the roped off area somewhere. Please, all my vacation pictures were on that phone. End of review. Okay, well now I feel for them more.

And also, if it was right behind the ropes and there's someone certified, I would be annoyed that somebody didn't grab it for me. So depending on how likely all this was, I don't know. I know. Like I'm not. It's hard to say. I always give the benefit of the doubt to the employees when they're following rules,

but sometimes, yeah, I agree. Yeah, I feel like if they say, oh, we'll get it by the end of the day, and then they don't care enough, you know, that's kind of sucky, but it is a mishap. I judge them for not having cloud backups of things, but I have- You got a cloud backup. And this was from four months ago, so.

Oh, I was gonna say, unless this was 10 years ago, but okay. There are things I don't have backed up that- I know. I fucked up, whatever. And also if it weren't even true, and I still wanted my phone, I might say my holiday photos are on there because they are. Yeah, true, true. That got me some so that gave I felt sympathy for them. Yeah, me too. From that. Here's one from Stephanie. this is of Anakista, which is Tennessee's award-winning outdoor family theme park. We went to Gatlinburg for a few days to get away. We initially had the Gatlinburg Skylift planned, but when we went to buy our tickets, they

were not operating. Not sure why. When we got into Gatlinburg, we saw Anakista and that it offered a skylift for about the same price we decided to go. Upon arriving to the top I noticed that my Louis Vuitton wallet with $400 cash plus multiple gift cards, debit card, credit cards, ID, etc. was falling out of my wallet. Before I could hold on to it, it fell about 200 feet down. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo What an experience to find my wallet. Tyler and my- Must be nice.

Tyler and my boyfriend hiked through a very rough forest jungle and retrieved my wallet by the grace of God. Needless to say, I thank Tyler and the staff at Anakeast. But who's to say you have God? They literally just did all that hard work and then you're like, anyway, God helped them do it. Come on. And I thank Tyler after, but yeah, I'm like, wait.

I mean, hello? I'm glad God found the Louis Vuitton wall God has priorities And he said you lost your wallet. It's Louis Vuitton shoot it straight to the top We're so stupid, okay, needless to say, I think Tyler and the staff. Okay. Why is that needless to say? I think that's the one you should say. That's the one that should be said.

That you should be thanking them out loud. Thank God. I don't think I would have known that Tyler had anything to do with it if you hadn't told me to be honest. So yeah. Like the out loud part should be the thank you, not the thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Needless to say. Needless to say, I thank Tyler and the staff at Anakeesta for helping me out. I would have been royally screwed to put it politely. They even let us come back the next day and let our English bulldog ride in the cabin with us. What is happening? Who is this? Is this like some sort of like royalty from a small country

that like we just don't know, but they just get special treatment? I don't know. I'm so confused. It sounds so bizarre. They're like talking about their Louis Vuitton wall that they come back the next day with their English bulldog. With a dog?

And are like, hey, can my dog try it? By the way, if somebody dropped something too, something very, very expensive and worthwhile, 200 feet in the air the day before, and then they brought a small wiggling animal and said, can I put this up there? I think my instinct would be no, you don't go and the dog doesn't go.

That's why this review gets really dark. I'm not even done. We're like halfway through. I've even gotten to like the vet hospital part It's just a news clipping It's just pictures It's a findmygrave.com Sorry, that was sad and dark.

It's a GoFundMe for vet bills Nooo I'm kidding Sorry, they even let us come back the next day and let our English Bulldog ride in the cabin with us. Once at the top it was the most beautiful view of Katlin Berg and the Smokies. We cannot wait to come back and see what else Anakeesta has to offer as they are growing. The dog is out there like, I don't understand what a view is. Get me off this fucking thing.

Imagine like putting a dog up there and going, the dog and I had a great time looking at the view. The dog gives zero fucks about the view. You just are hundreds of foot in the air and the dog knows you drop shit all the time. The dog is scared for its life. The dog is scared shitless you guys. Oh boy. Wow. That was a wild ride. Yeah. This next one and final one is one of the longest reviews I think I've ever brought to the table. I can't believe you even have another one. I thought that was like going to be the finale.

That was so good. Christina, I know this is crazy. Here we go. This is from Brad and Brad's email said the following. Have you ever struggled with the chairlift? I feel like when you're learning to ski, sometimes that can be the hardest part. Some say that when you actually get that down and ride your way up to the top, that it's really all just downhill from there. And then...

Okay, okay. And then we have some foreshadowing here. Anywho, thank God, but it's G-D. Oh no. This lady had the time to write a novel about the dangers of chairlifts and all the precautions one should take before writing, truly doing the Lord's work. Prayer hand emojis. Oh, my God. Do you think this is L.M. Montgomery? Let's pretend it might as well be after she wrote someone from like 1886.

Yeah. Little House on the Prairie. What's the one she wrote someone from like 1886. Yeah. Little House on the Prairie. What's the one she wrote? Anne of Green Gables. Anne of Green Gables. Little House on the Prairie. Also Louisa May is also LM. So like I wish they would have come up with like a better way to differentiate themselves.

Yeah, what idiots. Anyway, so I would- Don't they know anything about like branding and being like, you know, it's all about being unique. I could take a better picture on my own street with my iPhone 18 okay. I could take a better picture on Google Maps Yeah, honestly a street view. Are you kidding me? Has she ever even heard of it? No, so this is a review of Hunter Mountain

Oh, no and Christina Hunter Mountain. Oh no. And, Oh no. Christina. Where is this? Brad basically already described what this is. It's a novel. This is in like the Catskills in New York, Upstate New York.

Here we go, one star. I just feel doomed already. Titled, Please Save a Life by never going on this chairlift oh no oh no this is a long okay okay it's gonna be good I am a very happy positive person and my family and I enjoy a wide array of indoor and outdoor activities. From camping to biking to kayaking and hiking, swimming in beaches and lakes, horseback riding, Disney World and mostly any activity you can come up with.

You name it, we've done it and enjoyed it. Wow, good for you. Until now. Oh my God. Never have we visited an attraction that was so dangerous with no direction at all. I found three major flaws in this sky ride. First off, they should have an age limit.

You must be 18 years old or older to ride this chairlift, but no, their height limit is so short, they allow two and three year olds to ride on an open chairlift in which they are not seat belted. The gap is so huge, anyone can just slip out and fall. Unless someone is old enough to actually hold the bar and understand they are supporting themselves, and an adult doesn't have to hold on to them for dear life, they should not

be riding this ride. I'm going to pause here to say say this ride is a chairlift. I'm getting anxious. Okay. It is the normal chairlift for the ski season, for the summer, like it is a normal, very, like it's a chairlift. Like the person's making it seem like it's a ride.

Like different from a chairlift. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Cause they keep saying this ride. But is it like a really old school where it doesn't have a bar or something? It has a bar. It like the bar comes down. It's like this.

Okay, okay. A normal like one you would see as from what I've searched reviews of this place. It's sort of like a gondola type thing where you just like pull the thing down. Yeah, it like comes around and like you sit on it and it looks, yeah. All right. So it's, yeah, it's not like some sort of rollercoaster. Yeah. I want to make that clear right now because it's this person is making it seem

like they literally just said you have, you should have to be 18 years or older to sit on this chairlift and look, chairlifts are scary. The first time I rode a chairlift and got on a chairlift scared the shit out of me as a child. The first four. Okay chairlift. It would scare me now probably. But anyway, it's a normal chairlift. Okay got it. Every person should have to sign a full disclosure form before riding. The second huge problem with this ride is that there is simply no direction, no instructions, no preparation. It's literally up and down.

They just take your money and then say, stand on the yellow line, jump. The seats are moving and you are literally in the dark, not knowing what just happened. If you can jump on quick enough onto a moving seat and where the handlebar is and when or how to move it downward. Where the handlebar is? when or how to move it downward. Where the handlebar is?

Okay. I know. Look, as an anxious person, so I'm reading some of these points, I'm like, okay, I feel like I've had that thought, but like- Absolutely. This is a little-

And it's a little excessive to be, hmm. Like it, okay, I guess I should, I should bide my time. I'm, I'm feeling like I'm going to say something and you're going to be like, well. Well, I'm going to assume like, or I'm just looking at this. We're about one sixth of the way through maybe. No. Cause you know, this is the, it's so large.

Here we go. And it's one giant paragraph. This is, there's no like spacing. Okay. Every person who buys a ticket for this ride should be prepared on exactly what to expect. We should be given a brochure. A tour guide should explain

what the sequence of events will be. The seats will keep on moving and not stop. You will have to stand on the yellow line. When the seat approaches you, jump up. If you are taking a child with you, which I don't agree they should allow, then put your child or children in middle of the adults and not the ends. We went with small children who said at the end it was so hard to jump up with them and hold on to

them. When we were taking a boat ride in Florida to see the crocodiles, they made sure to instruct us that kids should not sit at the side of the boats. Only adults can and the kids should be in between adults. In the child could get eaten by a crocodile. Literally. Like, they're like even at the crocodile place they told us to keep the kids away from the crocodiles. When we were swimming with sharks they put us in a cage. Where's the cage? Where's the cage? What are you talking about? Also this feels like the person who like just discovered or heard about cars and is like, oh my God, we've talked about this.

Like, oh my God, your brain's going to fall out the back of your head. There's just no safety here. Are you just realizing chairlifts are a concept, I guess? It's like someone from Wyoming going to another state and witnessing an escalator being like, oh my god Okay, there I see that's a great Staircase that's so dangerous like that. You need instructions on how to go. I need a brochure about this Yeah, and like look I got it. I've never been on a ski lift before a chairlift in your life and Your first time as an adult and I would not want to bring a child

No, I agree. I would not be comfortable bring a child onto a, no, I agree. I would not be comfortable and I would be freaked out. I'm freaked out by myself on one. But this. But this is a little much. I think it's very different from keeping kids safe from crocodiles. I don't know.

Anyway. Also, those are alligators. Just saying. True. Just gotta say it, because that's important. Just think of like the Florida gators. That's what I do. I'm like, oh yeah, they're gators. Just saying. True. Just gotta say it. That's important. Just think of like the Florida Gators. That's what I do. I'm like, Oh yeah, they're gay. I don't even think of that. I just know that it's and crocodiles are live in the Nile like schnappi. I went with my little Children. It was terrifying. They

don't tell you how steep it is or whether you should jump off on top or keep going They should show a video before going on not an optional video You can watch the people in front of you do it Yeah, that's literally what you do. You watch all the people in front of you do it so you know what to do Yeah, that is the video. It's a real-life video Yeah, and earlier I did was I forgot to mention earlier they were like, they told us, they took our money, told us to stand on the yellow line and then jump. And then they were like,

we should have been told to stand there and jump. Yeah, exactly. You're being instructed in just real life ways. But a video that every passenger must watch before riding the chairlift. This way we can see what to expect and how things will proceed. The video would show where the handlebar is and that it's meant to be closed once you get on and how to actually close it. None of this was told to us. Once we were on the seat we had no idea there was a bar over us that we had to pull down. People were screaming, pull the bar down!

It was terrifying. I have no problem with a ride I'm prepared for, but not something where they throw you in without any instructions. I've been traveling for years and I've tried so many adventurous journeys, but never, ever have I tried anything where they do not prepare you or explain things to you. I would expect them to show me how the seat works, where the bar is, when to go onto the yellow line, etc. My third and last complaint is that the people operating the chairlift are the most unfriendly people

who have no business working in a place where you care for people who are on vacation. This is a job for a people person. I'm gonna pause to say, I feel like chairlift people are actually very rude in my experience as a child. It's rough, they're scary to me. They were scary, intimidating. So many people just constantly going through

and probably so many people who don't follow these instructions that they have. Don't listen to the rules, do something dangerous. Try to go under and get their phone on the other side of the ropes. Or try to like cram too many people on or like who knows what, but yeah, I don't blame them for being cranky,

but I was always very intimidated by them for sure. They're very intimidating. Like if I had dropped my phone, I would have been like that phone is gone forever. I'm not even gonna ask. They can have it. They can have it. I own a company and our primary mantra is customer service,

caring for our clients. I'm also an RN and I live my life caring for people, caring for patients, caring for my husband and family, my parents, neighbors and friends. I would not qualify to work in any of those arenas if I had a sour face or didn't like people or didn't treat people well or was not concerned with the safety of human beings especially senior citizens or children my parents who are both right over the age of 65 which makes them senior citizens traveled on a seat with my niece who is six years old after we jumped off at the top of the mountain and took beautiful scenic photos and enjoyed god's beautiful world there's a hyphen between G and D.

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't want to like make, this person is not blaspheming, okay? I want to be clear that that was Alexander Bosman. And I'm going to say God many more times, every single time. It's always Zandy. Enjoyed God's beautiful world.

We went back to take the chairlift down. My parents were standing with my niece and there was a seat coming towards them. It was very close. Instead of the machine operator saying, please wait for the next chair so you have ample time to get on. The woman actually said to my parents, go to the yellow giant line, jump up. They did not even have a split second to process what was being said to them while they were still walking onto the yellow line. The seat was there and they had to quickly on a second's notice, jump onto the seat with my knees.

The jump they gave because of how quickly the instruction to go on the yellow line was ended up being a higher jump because the seat came towards them so quickly and it was more forward than the yellow line. So the jump was higher and they could barely jump up, let alone get my niece up. Stop, I'm scared. Alzheimer stop, I'm scared. I'm getting afraid. I'm gonna have nightmares.

You're literally jumping into your seat right now, wow. Oh my God, I can't. No, I'm actually climbing further into it. I'm so scared. Like I'm just scared I'm gonna fall off it or something. They were sitting on the seat while the ride was moving, holding on to my niece's hand while she was dangling off the seat.

What? We were all screaming and screaming. What? Thank God, the woman pulled the emergency button, the ride stopped, they got my niece on, put her in the middle instead of at the end, pulled down the bar and they were on their way to safety. And the niece is like, don't put me on this thing,

get me off of this fucking thing. They're like, here you go, right back in. I must take a moment to thank God for the quick thinking and that the emergency button was working. I must also take a moment to thank the woman who pressed that emergency button and saved my niece's life. Again, why is the employee always a second thought? Like it's again. Yeah, it was, yeah, wow.

Needless to say, I thanked them too. It's like, well. Well, and also, I feel like you already berated the entire staff. So it feels like she's probably part of that, you know, I don't know. We are all traumatized and having nightmares. Thank God our story ended well. I would like to impress upon everyone planning to ride this to first watch the video on the website and get clear instructions on how it works and to preferably not take your children on this ride. I'm not a negative person and I usually look for the good in everything and everyone, but as a responsible adult and a community worker with a legal obligation to help my fellow human beings, I feel I would be remiss if I did not alert the public about this ride. Have a most wonderful day.

End of review. A legal obligation. Of the 500 Trip Advisor reviews, this was the only negative about the chairlift other than long lines. So it is a normal ski lift chairlift. Pictures are there. It is not a ride as many times as they wanted to say it.

I don't think that qualifies. It is a people mover kind of thing, which, and they're scary, I guess. I get it, but like. Well, they're scary, especially if you're hanging off of it by a thread, by your elderly grandparents' frail hands. The way she's describing this, like, there is gonna be like some sort of mass, I don't know, situation.

Yeah, I don't know, that felt very, that just was a lot. If this were, I feel like I, as the child, would also now be traumatized of the chairlift, just by the way that my parent was reacting. Everyone else was freaking the fuck out. Yeah, yeah, it just seems so heightened and excessive. We laughed when dad fell.

I mean, it was funny. So that's why I'm not scared, it's because we laughed at him. They should have laughed at the niece, honestly. Yeah, if they had just laughed it off. I would have been there laughing. Yeah. Yeah.

All the staff were laughing. They were finally having a good day at work Enjoying themselves That little girl And they took that phone out of the snow so they can film the whole thing I do like I do like the hypotheticals are trying to get people moving through line or whatever they expected them to be able to Pause to tell people on let me let me get the whole sentence. Yeah, please say it verbatim.

It was so good. Please wait for the next chair. So you have ample time to get on. Imagine saying that 40,000 or however many dozens of times a day. I mean, like, no, come on. That's ridiculous. Instead of just like, why were they just going? Do you think any nurse has the time

to talk like that to every single patient? You know what I mean? Like, not to turn the tables, but a nurse, do you think any nurse has the time to talk like that to every single patient? You know what I mean? Like, not to turn the tables, but to just say, you know, come on, give them a little empathy here. Who knows, who knows? I mean, I'm glad that you're all okay, is what I'll say. If something terrible had happened, that would be different.

If the niece died, I wouldn't have brought, you know? This wouldn't have been, yeah, exactly. Yeah, so I think everyone was okay. Despite what all our listeners think. We have listeners that think. Good one. Good point. Thanks for bringing me back to reality. They're still here. So if they're still here, that means they're not thinking about what's best for them. Speaking of our listeners, can I read a comment from our Spotify comments?

Yes. That I screenshot because I thought it was really funny. Okay. This is from cool Fox Okay, who says I don't know I didn't know who Bob Dylan is or this Leonard coins guy So to me it just sounds like these two are making fun of this mentally ill guy who smoked too much cigarettes that it affected his voice And made him unable to sing that it affected his voice and made him unable to sing. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha That was good. Isn't that so silly? Okay, these fucking comments. I'm mentally ill. There were so many. You all keep commenting now on there. And they're ridiculous, all of you. It's so smart that you could be able to comment on an episode or something.

It makes so much sense. Yeah. Thanks, Spotify. Yeah, thanks, Spotify. Until they turn mean and dark. Yeah, let's see. Maybe keep them. Keep them. Let's keep them light. Let's get out of here. Shall we? Merry Christmas, everyone.

Hope you're having a good holiday season. I can't believe it's happening now. This moment, this very day. Sorry that we read some like really bizarre, uh, bummers to you today, but I feel like that's what you were expecting and what you signed up for. So we're glad you're here. Be safe out there.

You can find this at beachyosandy.com, Beachyosandy on socials. And you can see our beautiful faces and sometimes Juniper's butt at patreon.com slash a real beach do Sandy and you can now gift patreon subscriptions right or something I don't know that's kind of fun so if you're too late right now and your cousin is like where's my president and you're like um let me get it I think I left in the car guess what

guess what you did because it's it right here. Patreon.com slash Beach Two Sandy. It's your CD about cat massages that you're going to put into the CD player. Wait, that's a better idea. Spend your money on that. Yeah, don't spend your money on us. Spend your money on that. And then send me a copy. Please.

Beach Two Sandy, Water Too Wet is a Forever Dogg production. Hosted and produced by Zandy and Christine Schieffer. Cover art by Courtney Aventura. Theme music by Mavis White. Executive produced by Zoe Applebaum. ForeverDog Productions is Joe Silio, Alex Ramsey, and Brett Boehme.