Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 318: Between You And Us

Episode Date: January 1, 2025

happy wonderwall!!!!! bapp. We have merch! https://www.beachtoosandy.store Ad-free listening and full video episodes! https://www.patreon.com/beachtoosandy Watch clips of your favorite moments! https://www.youtube.com/beachtoosandywatertoowet Watch videos from our episodes on TikTok! https://tiktok.com/@beachtoosandy Xtine's Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/shop/thextinefiles Xandy's stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's in this McDonald's bag? The McValue Meal. For $5.79 plus tax, you can get your choice of Junior Chicken, McDouble, or Chicken Snack Wrap, plus small fries and a small fountain drink. So pick up a McValue Meal today at participating McDonald's restaurants in Canada. Prices exclude delivery. Welcome to Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet. A podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast. But I'd give it zero stars if I could. Well, hello everyone. Welcome to Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet, the podcast where we read the worst reviews

in the most dramatic fashion. My name is Christine. And my name is Zandy. Welcome to 2025. Happy New Year. Happy Wonderwall. Happy Wonderwall. Happy Wonderwall, Bap.

This is a special day. Our episode came out on the 1st of January and we thought what better way to kick off the new year than doing one of our classic between you and us episodes where we read reviews of all sorts of places and things and experiences that you all have sent in over the years that you've found on the internet. And it's always a very chaotic time.

So we thought, what better way, what better energy to start the new year off with? So true, so true. And speaking of great energy to start this one off with, I have a little song to bring to the table that was submitted as a comment about our most recent episode with all those angels and that retired person in the window. Wait, remind me of this, what? The angels, you don't remember the angels?

No. The ones with the boobs that I was obsessed with? Oh God, I've really tried to forget. It's been like a week. I've thought about them every day. You have no idea how much energy I put into trying to forget. Well, do you remember the retired guy?

No. You had a review of a retired guy in a window and the person was reviewing like, but they watched someone else. He sits there and watches it. Yeah, yeah, I remember. Okay, so the explanation was much longer than the song because the song is really short, but here we go. This is this was posted by Batsy on Spotify. Okay.

Hark the sexy angels sing glory to that guy watching. We'll sing glory to that guy watching. That was really good. Not you, the person. I know. I mean, you too. I know it wasn't me. You too. I screen-shotted immediately and was like, uh-huh.

That was really good. Uh-huh. The sexy angel is that guy watching them. Oh, bud. Talk about starting the year off right. It's inflatable angels. Oh, what a guy. What a, what a, that was Batsy. Batsy.

Batsy. B-A-A something T-S-Y something like that. That's beautiful. B-A-T-S-Y-Y Batsy. Oh, Batsy. I knew there was a double letter. Yeah. I, I, anyway, time for Between You and Us. Yeah, this is, yeah, you already said it, but this is the Chaos episode where we read emails.

So what do you have for us to start? Speaking of chaos, as I delay one more moment, we just recorded our Patreon bonus episode, which was on, which was basically just reviews of ornaments, which we've done on the podcast before, but now we did a bonus episode all about, it was like an hour long about different ornaments and it got, let's just say we found out how snowflakes are made, et cetera. So if you wanna go listen or watch that,

you can join us on Patreon, but in the meantime. There's a lot more butts involved than you would think. There were so many anuses in there. Sorry. No. Not that. Just butts. Plenty of cracks. Yeah, let's leave it at that. Speaking of cracks, I have a review of a Nutcracker.

And this is sent in by Morgan. And Morgan said this was actually sent in over recently, a couple weeks ago. Recently forged a shit ton of walnuts. Last year I just used a hammer on a brick, but this year I want an actual nutcracker.

This is what Jose had to say about this one. So this is an Amazon product, or a link to a product on Amazon. It's called the Anwenk Heavy Duty Nutcracker Pecan Walnut Plyer Opener Tool with Wooden Handle. Like even the most basic of items It's called the and when heavy-duty nutcracker pecan walnut plier opener tool with wooden handle like even The most basic of items they need to add 40,000 words. It doesn't open enough nuts. Honestly, I mean Here's a picture Is in your notes or am I I'm sorry. I'm just texting it to you. Okay

So there's a nutcracker the heck that, that's a nutcracker, I guess. I guess, I mean, you know. Does not look like it would work well. LC had one. We had a silver one that you use for walnuts, remember? Yeah, but that opened like all the way. This one has like a little spring, so it feels like you couldn't get it in there.

What if it like squirts out the top? Nevermind, I'm not describing what I'm picturing well. Yeah, I would agree. Okay, so this is a review by Jose. Five stars verified purchase. Works great most times, comes out whole piece. Happy and grateful Jesus put this in a person's mind to make. Glory to the Lord. Repent and believe the gospel. He is coming soon. Read the Bible. Seek the Lord. heart emoji. He is good and worthy to be praised 15 people found this helpful

Those 15 people should lose their Amazon accounts Maybe that's a little extreme but like how is that helpful? What the fuck did that do for me? Nothing? Can't I just love like The segue of, I wanna talk about Jesus. Hmm. How about I say Jesus invented the Nutcracker and then I can talk about how great he is.

Imagine how the inventor of the Nutcracker feels if they don't believe in Jesus. Like what if they're Jewish? Like that's a shitty, you know? That's terrible. But this person's like, no, it was Jesus who put it in your mind. It wasn't you.

You didn't come up with this. I feel like then if I would come home and that was my parent and I got a deal, I'd be like, Jesus, put that in my mind. So true. The good and the bad. All the wrong answers in my mind. What an asshole. Why is it only the good? Why can't we point to the bad and say it?

I don't know. He was busy making your dumbass nutcracker with a spring in it. Doesn't even look that like it's like no offense, like it's it's a nice looking nutcracker with a spring in it. It doesn't even look that like, like no offense like it's it's a nice looking nutcracker if it works it works but but we don't even know if it fucking works. We don't, we don't, we didn't find that out. We just know it's Jesus' idea. We just know Jesus came up with it so it must be good. Okay my first one here is from Jade and this is a review of a restaurant called Blake's Place in Norlands. Norlands.

Norlands. Norlands. Norlands. Norlands. Norlands. Norlands. I can't do it. I don't know what I'm doing.

I've never been there. I'd like to go. Okay, Izzy came over last night and we were like, let's do a trip, like, cause I'm touring there in the spring. You are? Yeah, you wanna come? Yeah. I'm trying to in the spring. You are? Yeah, you want to come? Yeah.

I'm trying to make a whole trip of it. Okay. Come with me. I want to go. Isn't that where that one place is with the possums? The Sesame Possums? Yeah. The vegan possum store?

Yeah. Absolutely. Then I definitely, that's really why I want to go. Don't blame me. That's why I want to go. When is, and that's why we drink there. I don't know. Sometime in the spring. Okay, I'll be there

Hopefully beach you see any there this summer. That'd be fun. No, that would be fun I'll go there like, you know like scout it out Yeah rub some elbows with some some comedy people be like, yeah You got a rub a few grease up I'm rubbing my all the video patrons can see me rubbing my elbow I'm really good at rubbing elbows. Is that what you do? Rubbing shoulders? I think it's elbows. Okay, let's rub some things.

I'm gonna rub some things and hopefully it'll get us a show. Here's a two star review of Blake's place in, or nope, in Louisiana. I really wanted to love this place. All my friends raved about it. I finally found time in my day to give it a shot. Went here with my now ex-fiance for brunch this Easter.

Not only did I have to deal with his cheating and manipulation tactics during church and this meal, I had to deal with the saltiest fried chicken ever. Food review. I ordered the chicken and waffles. The plate came out looking promising. Played it very well. I take a bite into the first piece of fried chicken and I had to take three sips of water for it to even go down. My mouth was drier than the fake Egypt desert trip I won on Facebook. Parentheses don't fall for those scams.

Man, you're having a rough year, buddy. One thing after the other. Poor Amber here. Yeah. The salt was so overbearing, overwhelmed by the saltiness. I take a bite of my waffle. I still tasted freaking batter on the inside, cold and barely cooked. I couldn't complain to my ex because he was paying lol. But I'm surprised the cook let it even leave the kitchen. Three glasses of water later, and I managed to eat a single drumstick before I finally tapped out atmosphere

IDK of the AC was broken, but boy was it hot with only one fan in sight not only was my mouth dry I was sweating bullets I go to the restroom at some point the toilet paper not in dispenser and wet Which I needed a lot of toilet paper due to my iced caramel latte I got before church. No mirror and no paper towels. Only two people working in the front and it took forever to get the check.

Almost longer than my fiance took to propose to me last Thanksgiving, LOL. Side notes, I tried my ex's food before he smacked my hand away because I was of course still hungry And it wasn't bad, but he did complain that it was cold wanted to love it and tries to stay positive But boy, I couldn't hold it in end of review Honestly, I respect the the effort to try to stay positive through literally all of this going on in life The Facebook scam salty food salty ex-fiance, I mean it all

sounds pretty bad. Everything's dry and salty. It feels like you need a reset. Maybe go to like the beach for a while. No, that's also salty. This is right on the waters of the Mississippi River. Sounds lovely. I would say stay off Facebook. It seems like you haven't quite figured it out yet. I have a review. This was sent in by Cass, she, her. Now, she wrote, I tried to look up this review for you, but I couldn't find it.

I think Liz deleted it, but it is from the Central Park Hotel in New York City. Here's a screenshot I saw on Facebook posted by the company. Have a great day. So even though Liz deleted it it's been saved because a company posted this review and said like look at this review we got yeah And they posted it. It looks like they had taken the screenshot Or they had posted about four hours After it was made originally.

This is a one-star view of the Central Park Hotel. I will never go to this place again. It was absolutely insane. Waiter said something really rude and the whole time he tried to make up for it and the food mad me blow up the toilet. End of review. And here's a response from owner. Dear Liz, first thank you for choosing to dine with us this evening. I am sorry you had such a crappy time. Pun intended. On the bright side your server must have some type of conscience if they tried to make up for their apparent rudeness. It gives me hope that we employ good people who aren't rude the whole time, just sometimes. In the spirit of understanding, I feel like that's such a New York thing like, well I saw him be nice one time so he's clearly possible. Good enough for me. He knows how to do it, I guess. It gives me hope that we

employ good people who aren't rude the whole time, just sometimes. In the spirit of understanding, I would love for you to elaborate on what made our place so insane. I feel insane in this place many days, as a cook, server, dishwasher, manager, owner. So I'm not doubting you, but I am curious to hear what made you feel insane as a patron. Now for the good stuff. What did you have for dinner that led to the mad toilet explosion? Who was your server?

If you're gonna drop the one-star review, at least give us the dirty deeds. End of response. I feel like this is like the D.A.R.E. program trying to like be cool, you know, like sit on the chair backwards, like, hey, I feel insane too, bud. What's happening?

Like, come on, you can talk to me. You can tell us. We're on the same page,? Like, come on, you can talk to me. You can tell us. We're on the same page, it's me, Liz. Yeah, tell me. It's me, the server slash dishwasher slash owner slash President of the United States of America slash whatever the hell else he is. Tell me about what happened to that toilet of yours,

you know, or toilet of ours. Maybe it's an insurance thing. Speak on that, bud. Yeah, our insurance companies are not gonna cover this toilet. The insurance companies know what happened to the plumbing? What did you eat? Tell me.

Now. Anyway. Okay, my next one here. This is a little different. My last two things are both a little different. Do you remember Poochie? Hold on, I'll send you a picture. Yeah, okay.

Yeah, I mean, yes, because also Gregory is always talking about this thing. You saw that, what he is? No, he's posting about it on Patreon for like years now. Oh, I've been ignoring him then. Is that really? He's posted Poochie as a theme suggestion for like years and then always writes, my sister was traumatized by it. Okay, well. Oh yeah, oh oh fuck I forgot we had I was gonna say we

had one so like when oh I've seen this bad boy in our home so it's a little robotic dog like a little toy dog I'm sorry I've ignored you for so long I just didn't know what poochie was now I know now I remember and it has a little bone and I remember it like would stick to the mouth like it would come off but I think it was like oh yeah something I remember it like would stick to the mouth like it would come off But I think it was like oh, yeah something and I think you can Stick to the mouth then whatever But here is something that Gregory sent in says I have this adorable wonderful glorious review of poochie the mechanical dog pet toy It is absolutely hilarious

And you really have to read it all my sister Leanne who got me into beach to Sandy was Terrified of poochie as a child Leanne who got me into beach to Sandy was terrified of poochie as a child Leanne This is why I didn't want to do it. So I was like poor Leanne is an og listener and now we're gonna bully her Yeah, it says she would be horrified if you read this review, but it is beautiful and you should do it And so I'm doing it. It sounds right that the brother would do this. Yes this review Was it's titled life with poochie Sega's newest toy is a cybernetic recreation of man's best friend, is this dog all bark and no bite?

This was posted- Well I hope so, first of all. Guess when this was originally posted? I don't know, 2008, seven? June 9th, 2000. Oh my God! This is another- The dawn of a new technological age.

Another era, okay. Here is the article. This was, it says it's by IGN staff, the writers, some dude named Colin. Colin Williamson, here we go. Hi, my name is Colin. I just moved to Tokyo and I have no friends whatsoever. Oh no.

My strict regimen of work has ensured that I've had no social contact for the past week as I write reviews of gaming earwax like Super Runabout for my evil master Brandon and fill out dozens of lengthy forms that prevent me from being deported by the Japanese government. In short, my life is really in sorry ass shape right now and a few weeks back I was definitely in need of some type of companion. I need a friend I moaned to my landlord. You're out of luck as far as I'm concerned dork boy he replied but maybe you'd want to pick up a poochie from Sega Toys eh? Yeah why not. Wow that's amazing well I'm just like his language comprehension is really good he said he just moved to Tokyo. It may be the landlord speaking English actually.

Who knows? We don't know. What a great idea. One of them has very advanced language comprehension for it being presumably their second language. I'm just, I just want to take a note. Yeah, Dorkboy is quite the translation. Dorkboy is really an impressive thing to be able to translate into one's.

I wouldn't be able to say that in German properly. I wouldn't be able to say that in English barely. I wouldn't be able to say that in English barely. That's true. What a great idea. I hopped the train to the local toy store and came back with a brand spanking new Poochy Robot in a festive blue color for the low price of 2700 yen around 25 US dollars.

Yay! I cried as I tore the wrapping off the box. Poochy is the first in Sega's line of Coco Robos, a combination of the Japanese word for heart, kokoro, and robot, roboco. That's cute. Coco Robos, Coco Robos. I don't know how to speak any Japanese,

if that was not obvious at all. After liberating Poochie from his plastic prison, I touched the sensor on the top of his head to introduce myself. I grant thee life, Poochie, I touched the sensor on the top of his head to introduce myself. I grant thee life, Pucci, I cried, but nothing happened, and Pucci sat motionless. I collapsed into a state of despair as I realized that Pucci had been left in this box too long and had seemingly died of starvation. I touched his right cheek.

It was cold. Why must the good die so young? How happy I was. Is this Gregory? I feel like this is Gregory writing this. It really does give me a very similar vibe. It's so Gregory coded this room. Like no wonder he loves it. No wonder. It's so funny though. How happy I was when I discovered that Pucci's lack of liveliness was due to a lack of batteries. After installing three AAAs into his back panel, Pucci sprang to life, extending his legs and unleashing a lovely barked rendition of Beethoven's Ninth. We quickly bonded. I told Pucci all of my deepest and darkest secrets, even the one about the time Uncle Ralph caught me in the attic with the cheese dip, the screwdriver, and the stack of Field and Stream magazines. Pucci is actually an impressive low-cost combination of sensors and circuits. On the top of his head is the touch sensor, also known as a button to most speakers of English,

that gives him great pleasure when pressed. Caressing Pucci's noggin usually results in him breaking out in song or having his eyes turn into hearts. I forgot about that part. I did to the hearts. I remember that.. Yeah, that's true totally Located in poochie's yeah, somewhere in a corner like I'd finally forgotten and I now I remember it again For the first few days my poochie managed to behave himself in a collected fashion napping lazily beside my laptop while I worked and sitting complacently in the corner while I was out of the house whenever he made a nuisance of himself I simply stuffed him in my sock drawer and he fell asleep within a few minutes while dreaming of electric sheep I imagine. Then things started to get weird.

The next day when I came back home I found Poochy nuzzled up against my super customized avocado green dreamcast. His eyes had turned into tiny hearts, indicating he was at the peak of happiness and he was making contented sighing sounds. At first I thought this was cute, but then I started to wonder what would happen were I to introduce him to the rival PlayStation 2. I unplugged the machine, put it out on the floor, and placed Poochy next to it. Poochy promptly turned around, lifted both legs, and defecated a AAA battery

on the offending piece of Sony hardware. Hey, I camped out overnight for that, I scolded. The fact he's talking about that, about a PS2 is so funny to me right now. Like this is so old. He's like, I camped out for that PS2. I'm like, man. God, this is like such a little time capsule.

It's so weird. Cause by the way, we had one of these and I remember when you got this Poochie thing and we went home and we were like, I remember standing there and just like staring, we all just stared at it like, oh my God, this is the future. It's the future.

This thing is so silly. We felt so just like taken by this thing. Like, wow, I can't believe it. Three days later, I returned to the apartment to discover that Pucci had managed to locate the oversized drawer where I keep all of my PS2 games. With impressive physical effort for a five inch robot, Pucci had pulled out my copy of Ridge Racer five and utilizing a small pumpkin carving knife, carved a message into the back of the disc.

And they included an image of Poochie holding a knife and a scratch mark in this disc. This is like so cruel I don't know why we're doing this it's so mean. Gregory you're an evil brother. Poochie's holding a knife over top of a PS2 disc and scratched into it Sega rules spelled RULZ Sega rules and I love that he like somehow propped this knife on the mouth of this dog And then and then it says as if this wasn't enough Pucci celebrated his anarchy Anarchy anarchy anarchy anarchic victory by attempting to couple with my orange choo-choo rocket controller.

And don't worry, Christina, you get another picture. There's a censored bar, thankfully, but it's of Poochy doing not so nice things to a controller. Or not so family friendly things to a controller. Dear God, this is dark. This is becoming dark. This is very Gregory. By this time, I had had it with his battery powered home wrecker

and prepared to give him a firm punishment by giving him a free ride and said inside the industrial strength clothes dryer in the laundry room. But before I could administer castigation, he looked up at me with those cute little hard eyes and barked out a crude version of camp down races. You cute little mongrel, I gushed, you're so cute.

Nevertheless, you must die. And into the washer he went. Poochie emerged shaken but undamaged, ready to atone for his sins of defacement. After that little incident, both of us have managed to maintain a good relationship. He doesn't mess with my stuff and I don't mess with his. It's gonna stay that way too, right little buddy?

And then he takes the tape off the mouth like you can see. There is a picture of him petting Poochie and looking very aggressively at the camera. This feels like Gregory has written this under a false name. It does feel like it, yeah. And this is why Liam's so traumatized. Sure, Poochie doesn't offer much more than a Furby

in terms of interaction, and his behavior is pretty random. Nevertheless, he's a cute little distraction for the kids out there and provides something interesting to put on your desk and pick up secretaries with. I can only hope that the in-development super-poochies will have a VMU port for Dreamcast cross compatibility and be more accepting when it comes to cross-platform rivalry. Cute little rascals.

Yeah, same. End of review. I also agree with whatever you just said. I don't think that ever would happen. They were released in 2000, discontinued in 2002. Oh, poochies. Wait, so what? They were replaced by for real friends. Yeah. Oh, hey, guess what? I just bought one of those for not for Leona. Don't worry. For a for not for Leona don't worry for a C-free what do you call it giving tree like a

It was like a Salvation Army. Oh, yeah, yeah, like angel tree. I think they call it Yeah, those things. Yeah, this little nine-year-old boy wanted a fur real puppy dog cute Yeah, so but I really problem was that I got it and in the box it kept barking and stuff I'm so when I carried it into the bookstore, robling books, this like small indie bookstore, and I walk in and it's going, Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, take it but when I carried it inside the house it sure did that so you know I imagine it was a tough time. You realized blaze was listening and you were like oh I can't I literally realized he's gonna he's gonna give me he's gonna correct me on this one. Okay, so this one is from Amelia, she, her, and it says, please read this. Please read, this is my job, on my knees begging. Okay, so I thought it must be good. And boy is it.

Okay. Uh oh. So she says, my boss is completely unhinged and likes to get drunk on Fernet Branca and respond to bad reviews. This is one from when the restaurant first opened before I worked there. The review is one thing.

The response is the meaty part. Oh, it says, please don't say the name of the restaurant, but if you must, you must. I can commit to the bit. I'm not gonna get you fired, Emily, I swear. So this is a one-star review. And actually, I can commit to the bit. I'm not gonna get you fired, I swear. So this is a one-star review. And actually I responded to this email. This was sent in January of 24.

And I responded, I said, I never respond to B-way, AU submissions, but this is so absolutely unhinged. I've added it to the top of my folder. And you haven't read it until now? I haven't read it until now. This is one-star review of a restaurant that I will will not that shall not be named. Monumental failure. Waitstaff with B.O. that burned my eyes. If you order over easy eggs they do not anticipate that you will perhaps need salt

and pepper. Order a biscuit and they do not anticipate the need for butter. No alcohol available. Greatest bacon I ever ate, but who cares? Really, people get the basics down first. No mystery why we were two of only five customers. This place totally sucked. Okay, here's the response from owner. Hi, Diana. We knew it was you from the moment you walked in. The sour look on your face was unmistakable. Several of us began to snicker because we couldn't wait to read your Yelp review that we knew was coming. Your reputation of giving this city's fine establishment so one star review has preceded you.

We knew we had made it to the big time when you walked in our door. So they knew she was actually- I feel like you've read this before. Am I crazy? This sounds so familiar. Wait, really? Yeah.

Wow, I don't remember it all. I might be wrong. Maybe it was a bonus that we did. Maybe you didn't read this in an episode episode, but it was a bonus. It could be on Patreon. That concept of you coming in here, we knew we made it because you were reviewing us.

I don't remember this at all. Okay, well yeah, keep going then. Okay, I'll read it anyway. Sorry folks. Oh cares Your reputation of giving this city's fine establishments a one-star view has preceded you We knew we had made it to the big time when you walked in the door Yelp's most celebrated loser had come in to give us a one star review We did find one thing particularly amusing all our staff staff noticed it was you that had the body odor.

Matter of fact, several of our customers mentioned when you left that you smelled like you had been rolling around in a litter box after eating its contents. Anyway, I like that multiple people said that exact thing. That exact one, of course. Like they had that exact same thought. Anyway, keep up the good work. I know anytime you give an establishment a one star review

that they are on the top of their game. End of review. I love it. 12 people found this helpful and five people love this. What a good way to respond though, I think. Hysterical. That one honestly, I was like, yeah, that's solid. I just love this person being so out of control. That they that they've created a persona on Yelp that they've made a name for themselves incredible and it doesn't sound like it's a good one but no I actually only have content from one more email okay oh content from one more you know okay yeah so yes I just read an entire article about poochie the dog I not done with articles, but it won't be like the last one. This one is something else

I'm gonna read this entire email that was sent in by Lauren Okay, dear XT and Xandie my mind is a palace home to many a revolutionary thought One such thought bestowed upon me today, bore fruits of harvest. Feast now, for a bounty this plentiful is rare. What if instead of Zillow, it was Zildo, like dildo, was the fateful question I pondered. Curiously, I looked up dick-shaped house, so that I may invite my friends over to my mind palace via text with a picture that captured my vision. I was then guided to this phallic house of God,

which reminded me so much of you two that I had to look at reviews of it. Thanks. Which is a very alarming sentence. Thanks. That means a lot. That also reminded me. I mean, it's like, so it's one of those things where like you and I have zero room to say what, why? Like, it's like, thanks. Not surprised. And unfortunately I'm glad I have to say that I'm glad that Lauren thought of us. So here is the last sentence. OK, our last paragraph.

And so as consummation of our parasocial relationship, I would like to invite you to my mind palace. I present to you to you the Christian. You have no choice, but I mean, I know we're both in. I present to you the Christian Science you have no choice, but. I'm in, I know. We're both in. I present to you the Christian Science Society of Dixon, Illinois. Attached you will find A, an article, which includes an aerial view of the church

and an interview with a church official, and B, carefully selected reviews for your reading pleasure. And I brought. Wow. I don't know exactly how many I brought, but I think two or three. Sincerely, Lauren. So if you go to my notes, please, and just, there are only two images.

The first top one is the guy with his poochie, and then the second one is the one you need to look at now. After seeing that animated snowman shitting snowflakes earlier, I deleted, or I closed out of your notes really fast, so I have to go back to that. You know what, that makes a lot of sense to do. I don't blame you.

Yeah, I'm glad you understand. Okay, I'm back. Let me pull up the right episode. Here we go. And I'm scrolling. Where am I scrolling to? Oh my God! It's the second image, yes.

Describe this house of God, please. My God, it's just a big wang. It really is. Like it's literally a penis shape. Like anyone you'd show that to. An aerial shot and it has, it's a full phallic, like it's a full, it's just a penis. The roof is shaped like. And it's like curved, like it's a, it's, man, it has curve to it.

The whole thing is hilarious anyway. So there's this article that was posted in 2013 about it. So the first there are two articles. The first article was Christian Science Church looks like a giant dick from space. OK. And yes. And basically it just has a picture of it and is like, look at this fucking look at this place. Um, and what it also says is that the congregation,

their slogan is quote rising up. No, no, no, no. And at the time of this being posted, this was like starting to go viral and there were like news articles about it and the church hadn't responded yet. But then they did. So they rose to the occasion. They rose to the occasion. And this is what some quotes from the church official. He said, The Internet has great capability for good and great capability for gossip and destruction. And according to them, they did not set

out, believe it or not, to make their holy house look like a penis. In fact, they said, we didn't design it to be seen as what they're seeing, and we didn't design it to be seen from above. So they designed it without the thought of Google maps existing. How else would God look at it? I don't understand. That's fucking stupid. Like how else is God looking at it from the clouds? You dumbass. So true. It says that the reason that they built it was because they, uh, it was designed by, uh by an architect and they had told

the architect they want the building to have light from one side but also touch both streets. So that's why it's curved that way. And there's an oak tree that they didn't want to tear down which you can see is the bush part of the penis. Well right, I mean it literally has. Yeah. Yeah. And they didn't want to tear it down, so they left room for it. This is why it's curved the way it is. Every time I look at it, it gets more complete, like more of a full image for me. It's really unsettling.

And people apparently like an architect who quit over creative differences defended the design saying it was a little bit of a stretch to claim it resembled a penis, which I'm like, what are you talking about? Have you seen one? This is one of the most phallic looking buildings I've ever seen. I don't think they've even seen one. There's no way. That might be it. But people get so mad about it. And the guy, that same guy said, about the church said, I feel sorry for them Jesus didn't tell us to turn the other cheek to take more abuse

He told us to turn the cheek so we won't behave like these people You get slapped with a big wang and then the article ends with whatever dude your church looks like a penis Like it's not our fucking fault. You made a church that looks like a penis Why are you acting like everybody else is bullying you when we're just saying the thing that you did? Exactly. And they posted though on Facebook, the church itself posted on Facebook around that time, giant fig leaf coming soon.

No, okay, that's very cool. So they like kind of like- On April Fools? No, it was like October. Oh, that would be very funny. But yeah, and that was your actual Facebook page posted that, which I thought was like weirdly like, I was like, Oh, that's nice. Finally like leaning into the joke. Yeah. Like, yeah.

The next time they do like a Google flyover for the satellite map, they should just like put a giant fig leaf over it. You know, they should just for for for God's children We don't want to offend God. We can't we can't see all that Okay, so now I have reviews. So Let me read my first one and then we can switch it up and I'll let you Read something great So my first one is a five-star review by Matt. I've never been here, but Jesus came to me in a vision.

He told me to take a long and hard journey over to this church so I can be filled up with his everlasting love. I heard the service isn't that great. However, coming together with other believers is what church is about. End of review. No comment. Was it five stars? Five stars, of course. Do you think that's why the church leaned into it? They were like, okay, we're actually getting like some traction on Google Maps.

Like sometimes the ends justify the means. Yeah, that might be it. Also, I do want to point out that in the screenshot that Lauren had included, you can see common phrases at the top that are in reviews. And the two, only two that are there are the words in the comments. And then the other one is the word that's in the comments. So that's the word that's in the comments. So that's the word that's in the comments.

So that's the word that's in the comments. So that's the word that's in the comments. So that's the word that's in the comments. So that's the word that's in the comments. So that's the word that's in the comments. So that's the word that's in the comments. So that's the word that's in the comments. So that's the word that's in the comments.

So that's the word that's in the comments. So that's the word that's in the comments. So that's the word that's in the comments. So that's the word that's in the comments. So that's the word that's in the comments. So that's the word that's in the comments. So that's the word that's in the screenshot that Lauren had included, you can see common phrases at the top that are in reviews. And the two, only two that are there are the words shape and the words feel. So that kind of indicates what kind of reviews exist. Don't click feel, you're gonna be inundated with some unfortunate stuff.

I'm not clicking on it. Wow, wow, that was powerful. Thank you, Alexander. You're welcome. All right, so I actually ended up going into Diana's profile after that last review of that restaurant because her reputation preceded her. I thought, well, what else has she written?

And I'm worse. No shit. She's probably written a one-star view of every restaurant in town. Oh my god. Like it is... Has earned that reputation. So I have one here. I mean I was trying to pick because boy are these really exuberant. Oh. Yeah. So here's one. This is a review of Steamhouse lounge. Okay. Okay one star

This is a seafood dive bar. It says Which also sounds like You know, it's okay, it's not for me where's this again, this is in Atlanta Two visits to bombs more bombs are better. Wait more bombs are. More bombs are better. Wait, more bombs are better. More bombs are better. Two visits, two bombs. What these people know about oysters, you could put in your eyeball and it wouldn't hurt you.

Okay, I'm sorry, I hadn't read that yet. And I just read it alongside you for the first time. What? Oh my God. Am I not giving them enough credit? What? I like that. Hmm. Am I not giving them enough credit? Is there something deep there? Something worth exploring? You can't put it in your

eye. What the fuck? You can put it in your eyeball and it... Wait, wait, wait. What these people know about oysters, you could put in your eyeball and it wouldn't hurt you. No.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Phew, because I do usually put things that other people know in my eyeballs, and it often hurts me. It's so strange that that phrase makes no sense, but yet makes sense. I understand what the point is. I get it like, wow. That's not a way to say that normally.

But I feel like this is one of those things where if that were a really like common saying, I feel like it's one of those where we'd be like, hey, fun fact, do you know where this idiom comes from? Like, you know, whatever. Except it feels like she. Yeah, except instead she just fucking made it up. Yeah, you're right.

It's something we'd say and have no idea like why we say it, but it makes sense. Right, like put that in your pipe and smoke it or something. It's like put this in your eyeball and it won't hurt you. See, that one at least makes more sense. I know, I know. The pipe and smoke it, like. But they're probably other ones that are.

No, you're right. This one she's trying to make it a thing and it's not gonna be a thing. Okay. What these people know about oysters you could put in your eyeball and it wouldn't hurt you if you cannot properly shuck them Please do not serve them to me And what was I thinking ordering char grilled on my second visit from a place that cannot properly shuck? Dried up pieces of snot is the only way to describe this experience end of review. Oh, person reacted, oh no. Oh no is right.

Could that be like an idiom in another language that's translated? Are we sure it's not an idiom? See that's what I mean because it's so specific. It seems so specific. Put it in your eyeball and it won't hurt you. Blaze is gonna get some sort of like red flag alert on the internet, like Christine's looking up dangerous health advice again. No, no, there's a lot of first aid eye care on here. Oh, that's helpful. I would argue that we shouldn't look it up because there's also a lot of imagery of eyeballs and I know that that's not.

Yeah, no, we don't need that. Wow, okay, this is getting really hard to look at. So, I mean, I'm so. Oh my God, okay, yeah. I'm not interested in that It's not enjoyable. I Have another review of this lovely church. Okay. This is a four-star review Okay. I met the owner of the church. His name is Dixon Cider.

He told me to come inside anytime I want. Although one of the pastors, Mike Hawk, was being real stiff with me and giving me a real hard time. If you go to the back, there's a homeless person named Ivan Anut that gave me a happy ending. Overall, I would come again. End of review. What, leave it.

Leave Ivan Anut alone. Why are you breaking her up? At least make her a nun or something. Like, what? Wow. Yeah. That is so idiotic. I also love that it's four stars that feel so intentional.

You know what I mean? Yeah, just four stars. Yeah. I don't know why I think that was... It is the most basic humor. It's literally like middle school boy calling into a school humor and prank call humor. Yes, it does. Yes, but it's also pretty... It was so good, but it was also a little advanced compared to fifth grade,

because I feel like usually that would go off the rails and then you'd write 69 or some dumb bullshit, but this is like, no, he's gonna stick to the joke and end it. Do you end it with like, Teeheehee or something? Yeah, like a bunch of weird, and then say just a bunch of unrelated stuff that you think is funny.

Which makes me think it's an adult writing as a middle school, you know, like an adult acting like a middle school boy instead of a middle school boy acting like a middle school boy. Right, yes. Yeah. Good point. That's actually might be worse. Yeah, it is. But I prefer it. I thought that would be comforting, but it's actually worse. I know as I'm saying it out loud I'm like oh and I'm an adult laughing at it all so. Yeah I know and that's the worst part is that we're still talking about it. I'm now I was gonna read a review that she wrote about this place but then it got really intense in the exchange about race, and I was like, you know what, let's leave it.

But let's just say she's in the wrong. Okay, I know we're all really shocked, but let's just say she was definitely the one being problematic in that. So I'm gonna skip that. Let's see, but then I'm looking through the five stars that she has, Alexander, and there are a few, and a lot of them are dog groomers.

Oh, okay. Yeah, and here's a review. I feel like they get a lot of negative reviews, so of all people, I'm surprised this person's giving them positive reviews. That's what I don't understand. That's usually where things go wrong. Yeah.

Now, have you heard of this? This is called Camp Camp. No. And it looks fun. It says it's America's premier summer camp for LGBTQ adults. Oh, that sounds fun. Oh, Camp Camp, that's funny, okay.

Camp, why is it funny? Like it's camp. Oh, it's camp, okay, that's cute. I assume that's what that means, I don't know. Yeah, that makes sense. And it was founded in 97, and it's been active ever since. Camp, camp, yeah, yeah, yeah, this looks fun.

So that was one of the only five star reviews she left. Oh. So I'm like so confused, you know? Like you'd read that, we would bring a five star review of that place from this person. And not even realize all the- And then we'd read their one star reviews.

Right? Oh, they're a racist asshole. Like the wake of like destruction they've left and now this. Yeah, yeah. And this five star review says, camp literally changed my life. I have never felt so safe and cared for anywhere.

On top of that, I had more fun than I've had since I was a kid clipping playing cards on my bicycle wheels with clothes pins. This is the best money I have ever spent on myself. Cute. But you know what? That came after all these other reviews, so maybe she's changed.

Wow. I'm gonna say that's what happened. Oh, sorry. A lot of them, but then we went right back. It was like she had time and Then it was like nevermind. She's right back to her. We have to send her once a year. We need to set up a go fund Me. Yeah. Yeah I think that's the only way to keep things a little bit sane in the world of Diana

Yeah, I'll reach out to the restaurants in Atlanta and say look if you want this person to leave you better reviews You're gonna have to donate to their camp camp fund. Yeah. OK, I have one more of this Christian Science Society of Dixon. Oh, I have one more. Okay. It's of this Christian Science Society of Dixon. Oh, the same one. Okay. The same one. Five stars.

Here we go. This place is really nice. Hmm. Well, I need to say this, but why this building looks like a, you know, I'm sorry, but I can't say it. The inappropriate words. End of review. I'm so sorry. I tried. I just can't do it. The inappropriate words, end of review. No, I'm so sorry.

I tried, I just can't do it. There's no punctuation there. So I kind of guessed how it would come across. Do you think they were just saying it out loud and they were in the car like, say it, say it, say it. Yeah, the place is really nice. Well, I need to say this, why this building looks like a, you know, I'm sorry, but I can't

say it. The inappropriate words. Dad, spit it out. What are you trying to say, dad? God, it looks like what? It's like some struggle. It feels like such a struggle reading through this, you know, something like a battle between good and evil.

It's so dark. Unfortunately, evil won and repressed free speech. Thank God evil won. Get the inappropriate words out, which would be good. I think it's for the best. It wouldn't stop. It's what God wanted. I disagree.

I think God wants us to love every building, including the ones shaped like dicks, and acknowledge that the penis was masterfully created by him. And I don't think you gave us enough warning that you were going to say the P word. The oh, the inappropriate words. Sorry. Yeah, I can bleep it out, but I won't. I know you're the bad boy podcast. Forgot about that. I have a review. Yeah, right.

I have a review. This, right. I've a review. This one is Something okay the same lady. No, I know sorry. I know I said that very very Defensively and very reassure. I wanted to reassure you as quickly as possible. We've moved on from it worked I was I was I calmed down the moment you went no Believe me you have to believe me. Okay, this is from Tia Sheher, who actually sent this two hours ago, when I just opened it.

That's so interesting, because we've been recording for, yeah, I was like, we've been recording this whole time. Here's what I do though, I have that folder, right? And so I just have like dozens and dozens. And so I'll just sometimes pick one. And I just saw this title and I went, this whole time. Here's what I do though I have that folder right and so I just have like dozens and dozens and so I'll just sometimes pick one Yeah, and I just saw this title and I went this looks good and I clicked on the picture. It's good okay, this is from Tia she her who says Mary creep miss and She said this week while putting in my Walmart grocery order

I decided I wanted a little sweet treat scrolling Scrolling through the reviews on the Great Value Dark Chocolate Bar with almonds, and this review from The Rogue Dog caught my eye. Get that, keep that dog away from the chocolate. One star by The Rogue Dog. Well, yeah, it killed you. Ha ha ha! Product tasty, Walmart service, not so much.

Candy is pretty good and tasty. Showing is in stock and available, but I get a text telling me unavailable. Why no substitution offer? It's my only treat for the week. I have no car, no woman, no dog, can't play alto sax, or pitch baseball anymore. Aside from some tennis, this chocolate is my only treat for the week, but not this week No substitution offered not good week as part of the Walmart platform in my opinion end of review No sweet treat and Clearly that means bad times for everyone involved. No woman, what?

No woman, no cry. No woman, no dog, no alto sax. Alto sax. I love that it says I can't play alto sax or pitch baseball anymore. That's so sad. That is sad. Oh my God. That's what Kenny G plays as many

people told us. That's why it's so so erect compared to the saxes that I was used to I think. Yeah. Unless I'm mixing it up again and that's whatever but. I think you're right. Also I didn't know what she meant when she Tia's meant when she said like oh and then I looked up and I saw this comment and I realized right above this one by The rogue dog is a two-star verified purchase of the chocolate bar Oh, okay by Roy and Roy wrote I don't have any teeth to eat almonds Did somebody substitute like the wrong one and gave him one with almonds, you know, I don't know I Don't know maybe you should trade with the rogue dog cuz they're pretty pissed off. Yeah

That they didn't get any substitution. Maybe maybe you can be the rogue dogs woman Maybe you can be the rogue dogs liked Alto sex. Yeah Just you can just play on him all you want I'm gonna bring another one because I did what you did. I'm like, oh, let me just open an email here. Yeah, kind of feels a little chaotic. It feels weird because I'm like, this feels like I'm not prepared because I'm not. But I had like I finished my notes and I'm like, OK, I know.

Sometimes it's fun to just poke around and pick a new one. Yeah. We got an email from Grapefruit Street, she, her, and you know, when you first mentioned I've been sending in bangers lately. Agreed. And so I saw it and was like, oh, let's see what kind of bangers there are. And to my surprise, pleasant surprise, she sent in Amazon reviews of grapefruits. Oh! Which was like, huh, this seems very meta, but it wasn't like-

Still on the nose. It wasn't acknowledged. The email just says, Amazon customers have things to say about grapefruit. And I was like, are we gonna acknowledge the connection here? No, that's okay, we don't have to. I'm just like, huh. Interesting. Thanks for making all of us feel weird about Alex dinner, you're welcome here is a one-star review verified purchase of a

Grapefruit on Amazon Defective Would have been good, but it was orange and not grapefruit When I tried to use it as a grapefruit, it would not work because it was an orange. End of review. What were you doing to it? I don't know.

What were you doing to it? Using it as a grapefruit. No, that's the same thing. What are you talking about? It's not the same thing. It's not the same thing, but it's like the same thing though. Come on.

Like you can't say, oh, you can't use them. I know the taste is different, but it's not like, oh, it doesn't work. Maybe it's a different acidity. It's defective, it doesn't work. Defective is a wild word to use to describe an orange because it's not a grapefruit. Yeah.

It's defective. What do you mean? It's like this pencil is defective. It's not a pen. It's anive. What do you mean? It's like this pencil is defective. It's not a pen. It's an orange. Oh, that's, sure. It's like, what are you talking about? Also, like they do the same thing.

They taste different, but they do the same thing. You eat them the same, I guess. No, you don't. No, I don't. Well, you don't, but like you could. No, you don't, but you don't. One does not. Yeah, but she said she tried, you don't. But you don't. One does not. Yeah, but she said she tried and it didn't work,

which doesn't make sense. Does it work to peel it the same way? Probably not. It's a little tougher. That's why you cut it in half and scoop it out with your serrated spoon. Exactly, but you can do that to an orange. But you don't do that with oranges.

Yeah, but it said she tried to. And it didn't work. And I don't believe her. Because it was defective. I don't believe her. I don't believe it. It was defective. You don't understand, Christina. Exactly. I don't understand. That's what I have said to you 8,000 times. Thank you. Glad we ended up at the same place and I'm still as confused as ever. Okay, well here's another review then Here's a one-star review This was so bad. I didn't like it It was rotted and the smell was deadly for real

Whoever is in charge of produce probably should switch to the sock section Like makes no sense. Oh, they moved me from produce to socks. Does it smell so bad? They're like, oh, go make the socks smell bad? You know how Amazon has like a very specific produce department? Yeah. It might have been like a delivery through Whole Foods.

I don't really know how this works, you know? I don't either. I don't either. I don't really know how this works, you know? I don't either. I don't either. I don't either. Yeah. A defective grapefruit is really delightful to me. A defective grapefruit because it's a completely different species and product of food. The one person's like, this was rotted. It smelled really bad.

That's called the defective grapefruit. And then the other person's like, this is this grapefruit detect defective because it's it's acting it like an orange Like what do you mean that it's acting like I can't I just made that I'm never gonna part Yeah, but like that's what they're saying. That's what they're implying. Like it doesn't work. What do you mean? They when they say it doesn't work. They're saying you know how you Sprinkle sugar on a grapefruit. Guess what? You could probably do that to an orange It probably tastes fucking great. Unless, unless it's defective, Christina.

I'm going to kill you in about five seconds. I'm gonna make you defective. I'll show you defective. Too late, I think. I don't know what you're acting like. I'm not already defective, please. Oh. I'm hearing that a lot.

Oh my God. Remember when we said defecting and it was like defecating or something? What was that about? I don't want to know the kids defecting In the ball pit or something in the pool. Oh in the ball instead of defecating is a defecting from our nation our great nation Leaving the trampoline park for a different company or something, right? Right, right, or Cuba I'll leave them the trampoline park for a different company or something. Right, right, right.

Or Cuba. Anyway, that's my, I'm done unless you want me to pull up another email. I really, I really would rather you not. Thank you. Thank you everybody for participating either advertently or inadvertently. We're super glad to have brought you the first episode of ours of 2025 and you know, I think we set a healthy, good tone for the year. Oh, for sure.

For sure, for sure. If you wanna find us, you can go to Beach2Sandy.com or you can come to our house, but we're not gonna tell you where that is. Ha ha. And we're also at Beach2Sandy on social media and on Patreon at Beach2oe Sandy, I think. You can see my dumb face on there if you get video episodes.

And it's not- It's not- It's not- It's not- Worthwhile. Don't have to hear my dumb voice a little extra each episode. Yeah, you gotta pay for that though. The dream.

Alright everyone, thanks for listening and we will see you next Wednesday. Bye. Beach Shoe Sandy Water Too Wet is a ForeverDog production, hosted and produced by Zandy and Christine Schieffer. Cover art by Courtney Aventura, theme music by Mavis White, executive produced by Zoe Applebaum. ForeverDog Productions is Joe Silio, Alex Ramsey, and Brett Boehme.