Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 319: Reviews of Calendars

Episode Date: January 8, 2025

How else am I supposed to watch you poop?? Ad-free listening and full video episodes! https://www.patreon.com/beachtoosandy We have merch! https://www.beachtoosandy.store Watch clips of your favorite moments! https://www.youtube.com/beachtoosandywatertoowet Watch videos from our episodes on TikTok! https://tiktok.com/@beachtoosandy Xtine's Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/shop/thextinefiles Xandy's stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The all-new FanDuel Sportsbook and Casino is bringing you more action than ever. Want more ways to follow your faves? Check out our new player prop tracking with real-time notifications. Or have out more ways to customize your casino page with our new favorite and recently played games tabs. And to top it all off, quick and secure withdrawals. Get more everything with FanDuel Sportsbook and Casino. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600. Visit connexontario.ca. CINO gambling problem call 1-866-531-2600 visit connects Ontario.ca Welcome to beach to sandy water to wet a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think between you and me I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could.

Happy New Year, everyone. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water 2 at the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. We did it folks. We're a quarter of the way through the century. Things are getting better and better day by day. So glad to be on this ride this journey with you all. Sandy, how are you? Good. The earth is spinning and I'm on it. Wow. Wow. Yeah, I heard that reverberate through your headphones back into the microphone. I'm sorry about that.

That was really- No, that's my fault. I've made a mistake of buying open-backed headphones as a podcaster. Is that what's happening? When I do shows with a really loud co-host that yells and screams and laughs, it's a good thing that you do that. It's a good thing that most people don't have that. It's a good thing you don't have to deal with that problem.

So true. Yeah, we are doing calendars. This is exciting. I love this idea. And I feel like we've, it's one of those things where halfway through the year we're always like, oh, we should have been calendars at the beginning of the year.

Yeah, well, I think we did it once before, either as a, yeah, that's why, I think it was a bonus though or something Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, not like as a full episode like we don't have to name this calendar 2.0. Oh I hope not. No one cares You know where did you hear something that you don't know much about people but I'll tell you is that calendars they change every year which like usually you wouldn't realize but The calendar industry wants you to buy a new one every year.

It's very wasteful. It's pretty fucked up. How dare they? But I do love going through a calendar store because it's always so shocking to see what kind of calendars exist in this world. It's shocking that people will pay $30 for something. Yeah, like a $30 a year.

That says Jesus wants you to be a mom and only a mom. Excuse me. That's a calendar. You saw that? Like a I mean, sort of a trans thing. Like what the fuck was that? Like, only a mom. Like you're nothing more than a mother. And that's your role in this life. So here, here's a calendar for just moms. And Jesus has a lot to say in the between the line. Got it mom and not like a Working mom in my head. I was like not even a mom. Just don't be a dad. You can't even do don't be a part-time Secretarial work got it. You can't even be a parent. You have to be a mom First and foremost and also are you reading this from your calendar on the wall?

Yeah, it says today's a great day to praise him. Nice, capital H. H is capital, yeah. Phew. Well, do you want me to read something? Yep. Okay, so Maddie sent an email, Maddie, she, her, and it had three incredible calendars

with many incredible reviews. Here, I'm just going to get started diving right in. This is of a German Shepherd's calendar from Mikasa Press. And yeah, it's just a calendar full of German Shepherds. This was purchased. It feels extremely classic, like extremely 90s, like original themed calendar material. Yep, it's just, you look at- Greeds of dogs. You'll see a picture in a moment after I read this review,

I'm gonna show you the pic, you're gonna look at the picture on my notes. And yeah, agreed. It's just a classic German shepherd picture. Here we go. This was purchased, Um, it says Reviewed November 9th, 2024 And it says they got the 2025

But the picture they included is of the 2024 Calendar. I don't know what's going on. Maybe they reviewed The new one. I don't know. Okay. Maybe they updated the listing and they reviewed you know, you know what happened? They got to November of last year. Yeah, that's what happened because yeah, they got to November of last year and Then they said I have something I have something to say about the November page Here we go This calendar is really cute and great until we got to November where the dog's little pee pee is hanging out. Somebody could have definitely done a better job of reviewing and editing these photos and a review and editing it.

What make it, make it a little more prominent. Blur it maybe. Oh, blur it. Um, I, the title is also dog penis hanging out in November picture. I just thought starting with that title would be like a little much dog penis hanging out in November.. I just thought starting with that title would be like a little much. Dog penis hanging out in November. That's a very long, that feels like a Fall Out Boy title

link. Oh my God, it does. Now you can look at the photo. Oh, okay. Don't worry, you get to see the dog penis. Do I have to though? You said I can. You must.

Must I? You must. I must. The way they reviewed it, you'd think it took up like two thirds of the page. Okay, not to be weird, but I'm zooming in because I really don't, oh dear. Calling that like hanging out,

it's like protruding from the fur a little bit, like a normal dog penis might do. Hanging out is not a word. I mean, it's literally just a dog sitting there and the angle is such that you can see it's junk. Yeah, which is just- Which is what you see when a dog sitting there. And the angle is such that you can see it's drunk. Yeah, which is just... Which is what you see when a dog is sitting in front of you.

It's not... It's such a normal photo of a German Shepherd dog. It's not like it's like a horny dog or like that. Well, it is, but you can only tell that from the eyes, not from the penis. Right, right. That's fair. Exactly. And that's a more subtle kind of thing. Horny German Shepherd 2025.

I mean, November, that's when it's in heat, you know? God, Alexander, I don't, I don't, people, ew. Oh boy. They got a, they got a, what do you call it? Cuffing? Oh, cuffing season. Yeah, yeah. That's why they're in heat. Yeah. Uh, they call it collar season. That was pretty good. I like that.

That was really bad. season okay well I will say there was one thing I wanted to mention when you were reading the review aloud and you said someone could have duh I thought you were literally gonna say someone could have died and I was like okay like the dog penis showing someone could have died and I was like well this is a little much I guess somebody dramatic reviews, but no one went that far. No one really blamed the calendar for like their untimely demise Okay. Well this one might have a different take because this is from Melissa. She her and it's a taxidermy fails Oh, I hate this already So I would like you I know you do I would like you go into my notes real quick and see it's the classic Fox meme, like he's sitting in a chair, he's like kind of really crunchy and like, it just looks crusty. Very crusty.

And has like very scary expressive eyes. And that's the cover. That is a great cover. And if you zoom in Zanny at the bottom, you can see some really upsetting images. I didn't know you taxidermy, like some of these animals, I'm like, oh people taxidermize these wild animals? Panda?

Is that a actual taxidermized panda? Those two of, is one of them real? That would be really sad. Oh my God. Like I can't even tell what some of these creatures are. No, I actually can't either. And the one up in the middle there makes me really upset. And it feels like maybe that's-

The second row middle. Yeah. It looks like a creature from outer space, no? From deep below the earth. Yeah, it looks like an extra terrestrial that would like trying to climb through your window or something. Like I don't think so.

Here's what I'll say. I don't think so. It's like the, I had the illustrated classic version of H.G. Wells, the time machine, I believe't think so. Here's what I'll say, I don't think so. I had the illustrated classics version of H.G. Wells, The Time Machine, I believe, or something. And there were some creatures in there, illustrated, that really freaked me out, if I'm remembering correctly. I don't remember that, I never read that book. I might be mixing it up with one of the many other

illustrated classics books we had. We had a few, and I will say, you know what kinda scared me was the description in Madeleine Lengel's classics books we had. We had a few and I will say, you know what kind of scared me was the description in Madeline Lengel's Wrinkle in Time with those extraterrestrials. I always thought that was so spooky, but I just bought it cause I want to read it to Leona when she's a little older, but I also want to reread it myself first.

Cause you know, you read these, we hear these reviews of like, I didn't think this, or I thought this would hold up and it Sure, didn't so I mean I think it does, but I'm gonna read it just in case I hope it's not illustrated But I'll let you know Okay, so that's the taxidermy calendar. It's kind of what you guys expect just kind of like upsetting like dead animals with like different parts on them, and it's kind of like it's kind of what you expect Yeah, it's just like really...

These animals looking really goofy and weird and they're all dead and stuffed. Yeah, it's a little creepy. So this is a two-star review by Lynn Verified Purchase and the title is I thought it would be cute. Looking at the small photos, it looked like a funny little clown calendar. Looking at the small photos, it looked like a funny little clown calendar. Full-sized, it is downright creepy. Overall, this was a scary and disappointing purchase. I have this review and it's of a different calendar. Oh, this review is for a same company because I saw the blue wolf calendar company. They have a creepy clowns

That's what's happening You know what I can do, you know what happened tell me so They it's Amazon where they have different. Oh, yeah Choices. Yeah, so I guess Melissa had went in there and just was reading them and thought it was, Melissa. Melissa. I'm kidding, I do this constantly and I do it on purpose often.

So I shouldn't be the one to judge, but thought it would be cute. Okay, so this was for clowns. Yes, and Christina, you know what? I'll let you read it, but let me post in your notes from my notes. Oh, for God's sake, that's a jump scare. Okay, so here's the front page.

I just copied it in. No. And then just wait. Here's the one they're talking about of all the little clowns. What is wrong with people? This is so dark. What do you mean this is key? I generated clowns in. Well, they call it like real world settings, as if like generated clowns in quote unquote, they call it like real world settings as if clowns don't exist in the real world.

But it's like photographic AI. It's like they're like AI photoshopping clowns into like stock images sort of. Like one is skateboarding, this guy's in a courtroom defending his client, I guess, as an attorney. Yeah, is he the lawyer there? I can't really tell. He looks like the attorney in this situation.

I agree. And then also there's like a clown at church in a church pew? Mm-hmm. A bakery clown? That one's probably the creepiest. Do you wanna read the description in the bottom right maybe?

No. Do you want me to? Okay, it says, I'll read it. Prepare for a whimsical twist on everyday life with this hilarious calendar, featuring clowns in the most unexpected situations. Watch as these colorful characters hilariously attempt to tackle everyday jobs and mundane tasks.

From a clown doing laundry to a clown watching a movie, this gag gift will have you laughing out loud. Brace yourself for a year filled with clowning antics and side-splitting laughter with this one-of-a-kind calendar that adds a delightful dose of humor to the ordinary. Well, I would say it's safe to say Chet, GBT had a little hand in writing the description as well. I would think so, and it's all fucking wrong.

First of all, no one's watching TV, right? Or movies. Not a single one, as far as I can tell. But there's nothing Hilarious about any of these situations there. So in fact, I would say they're actively not funny at all I don't understand what's even supposed to be the joke. Like I mean, it's it looks like a clowns doing laundry Yeah, that's is that the that's the joke clown at the laundromat and This clown is buying some see it's AI generated,

so there's like half of a donut, some wiffle balls. He's in a grocery store, but if you look at his cart, there's like an orange and some wiffle balls. It's a bunch of weird little balls. This is so upsetting. One of these is doing a business deal, this clown. Yeah, and the guy, they're both way too happy. I think they just signed someone else's death warrant.

They're like, yes. No, for sure. Also, I think they just signed someone else's death warrant. They're like, yes Oh for sure also, I think I This feel I think I can't tell which clown is which you know what I'm saying? Yeah, is it the same clown each time clowns with different? Oh, I meant those You're so right What a clown making that business deal but yeah, no the the clown is seemingly the same clown with like rainbow hair. It's upsetting.

It's all over the place. AI got it. So that is the fucking review. Oh my god. So now the review makes sense, right? I see, okay. Now you read the review, sorry. All right, who sent that in to you?

Maddie sent, like I said, Maddie was all over the place. Okay, so Maddie and Melissa both sent this sort of technically. All right, this is the rest of the review. Okay, actually, I'll just start over. I forgive you, by the way. Thought it would, Melissa, I don't forgive you, but I'll work on it.

It's my 2025 resolution, okay? Yeah, it's gonna take all year. Gregory's already on like a 10-year timeline. I was gonna say Gregory. Of my forgiveness. You have not reached that point yet with Gregory. Oh yeah, so we're gonna- The Poochie thing sent you back like 10 years.

Poochy? The poochy knocked you down several pegs. Okay. This clown calendar, which is honestly way more upsetting to me than the taxidermy one, because it's just AI, it's not even like interesting. It says two stars, verified purchase, thought it would be cute.

Looking at the small photos, it looked like a funny clown calendar. Full-sized, it is downright creepy. Overall, this was a scary and disappointing purchase. Unless you want these clowns staring at you like they are related to Pennywise, buy a different one. Like the goats and trees, which I should have purchased instead.

How could you ever, like even if you thought these were quote unquote cute clowns, why would you not pick the goats and trees? That sounds so much better. If we're talking cute, yeah, there are, like I would say ratio of cute to scary calendars in the world is probably like 99.99 to 0.01 because,

is that right? Yeah. Cause I cannot imagine that there are as many scary, because, is that right? Yeah. Yeah. Cause I cannot imagine that there are as many scary, actual horrific calendars out there as there are just puppies and German shepherds. Yeah. I don't know what kind of cute clown, also like the fact they're not even cartoon clowns, like they're photographs

of clowns, which is like, nothing's cute about that. Everyone just sitting in a pew, no one beside him until the end of the pew, just like looking up at the front. Like it looks like he's at a funeral and like, and his friend who died was like, whoever dies first, the other has to show up in a clown costume. That's what I think when I see that. And I'm like, this is really depressing and like weirdly dark, the juxtaposition of the clowns in these positions, like, it's not great.

Like, maybe I could argue the clown skiing because of how brightly colored everything is. That's kind of fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But everything else is so fucking dark. Nothing else about it is gonna work. Yeah, that's the only one that like, the smiling makes sense, you know?

The others are just like creepy. Yeah, I agree. Okay. Whew, well I'm glad you handled the clowns I am too and I'm glad it's over I am too my next one is a review and I'm not gonna send you the show you the pictures yet because I have three reviews of this okay this is of the pooping poochies sorry that is not what that says. Poochie is on the brain. Gregory! Pooping pooches? It's called white elephant gag gift calendar. You're familiar? Well I'm familiar with any one of the like hundreds of types of these

pooping dog calendars. This is the original pooping pooches. Original. They have their own. So like it was nice to see and an Amazon listing that wasn't some calendar company making a bunch of AI generated calendars fake weird ripoff thing where they steal photos yeah so this one it's like actually above board they get photos from people and do a photo contest dogs consent because I don't know that it's above board if the dog pooping dogs didn't consent You know what you and some reviewers might have something in common

So, let me read the first review this is a one-star review titled they hated it Verified purchase. I got my older brother this gift and his was so upset. He sounded like he wanted to cry I honestly thought he was just going to laugh it off and think it was cute but no he hated it. End of review. What? Why is it so upsetting? And I think in all caps said older brother like they were like keep in mind this is an older brother not a younger brother. He's never seen dog poop before so we gotta be so careful. I have no idea. At least they didn't get him the German Shepherd calendar. That would have been a jump scare in November.

Oh, I guess. Yeah. The dog penis. But flopping around. Yeah. I was surprised at how like some people got very upset about the pooping dogs. That was just a warm up. And it's not my thing. I know you all just a warmup. And it's not my thing.

I know you all don't believe me, but it's not my thing really. I'm like, ha ha, okay. But I just- I don't want this hanging on my wall. No, I pick up enough dog poop. Like, I don't know. It's not my sense of humor,

but I wouldn't like cry about it. That's really sad. Like, how did that happen? Like, I'm curious it was a specific image. Maybe there was like a childhood memory that she was triggering. I don't know. True. True.

I'm trying to think of all my childhood memories of dogs pooping. I just think of Burgess and Samson next door pooping. They eat crayons so their poop always had like white crayon in it or like different color crayon. Pink. All sorts of colors. So nasty. Okay. All right. I have a you know what up my memory my memory of a dog pooping is from childhood. Tell me. Well one time Tootsie was pooping while we were on a walk with her and I we had just gotten her so I was was probably in second or third grade and making you really little,

probably kindergarten or first, and we were walking with Elsie and Dad, and Tootsie pooped and I said, good girl Tootsie, you did it or something, and they started laughing with each other, sort of like at me, and at the time I thought they were laughing at me. I mean, now that I have a kid I'm like,

oh I laugh when she says stuff. But at the time I was like, why are they laughing at me? That's what they say when she goes to the bathroom. And so it lives in my, because then I said what's so funny? And they were both like nothing, nothing. And looking back I was like so embarrassed and I was like oh no.

Anyway so that's my memory of a pooping dog I'm sorry now I'm starting to cry looking at this calendar you shouldn't have shown it to me my older sister started crying she started crying she had to take on the burden okay here is a review of Pooping Dog's 2025 calendar. And now this one was from Matt and Jen, who wrote, after a bit of a dry spell, we're back to jointly file our review submissions, Mary Xmas, X-Teen, and X-Andy.

Mary Xmas. Mary Xmas. And so this is just another Pooping Dog's calendar. That's it, I don't needing dogs calendar. That's it. I don't need to describe anymore. Here's a one star review. And I will say it's worth noting that this person received the review as a free product.

And exchange, oh, they received the, yeah, the product in exchange for review. Yeah, for free. Here's a review, one star disgusting. So I failed to check out the pics for each and every month of this calendar. I thought it was silly and just showed dogs squatting, not actually taking a bowel movement.

Wrong! Some shots do show them fully relieving themselves. And one month even showcases a dog's anus, full on in your face. Nope, not what I had hoped for. Oh no. I mean, there is a dog butt, but it's not like, I mean, it's like, yes, it's a dog butt.

Like. But it's a dog's pooping calent. It literally says poop on the front. What, why, how that's shocking. Like, I feel like it's exactly what it says it is. It does exactly what it says it does. Like you go and you're like seeing something poop. Doesn't matter what it is.

And you are shocked you saw some anus. Come on, let's be for real here. Like you bought a calendar specifically about dogs pooping and then you're affronted when there's a dog pooping in it. Like if you wanted me to not you, let's be very clear with that. If I'm not talking to you. If this reviewer was like, watch me poop and then they pooped and they're like, oh my god, did you look at my anus? I'd be like, well yeah, you were pooping. Where else would I have looked? That's how I feel about this. I

guess some fur covers it a lot, you know? So it's like and like the tail maybe but then some dogs Are they didn't show they did show so the one the two they were talking about There is a dog a golden retriever pooping and you can see a little poop on it like coming out of it Yeah, that's yeah, that's gross. And that's why it's not my thing. And then on the other dog It's just like this like I don't know what kind of dog it is I can't really tell, but it's like looking over its shoulder and you can see its butt.

There's not like poop coming out of its butt. You can just see it. Yeah. Which is not great, but like, it's obviously what's gonna be in a calendar called pooping dogs. Yeah, it's like- I wouldn't be shocked to see that.

Yeah, and speaking of which, I have another review of pooping pooches. Um, and actually the last one, this one were both reviewed at the end of 2021. So I'm curious what that calendar was that they're reviewing like the 20, I assume it was a bunch of AI clowns. Well then I did the anuses. I don't know if I want to see those. Oh no, that's some next level black, what's it called, dark web shit. You have to go on the dark web to AI generate that.

Yeah, I'm okay. Yeah, I think I'm good. Here's a one star review titled Awful Disgusting. Here we go. A family member brought this to our white elephant exchange. My son unwrapped it and safe to say, while other people opened toys and books and candy, no one wanted a calendar filled with photos of dog poop and dog anuses. He was basically left out of the fun due to this awful gift.

This calendar was in the trash before he left the party. Do yourself and others a favor and find something with a little more class than this. End of review. This is a classy white elephant exchange. Like it's literally meant for these kinds of exchanges. Like that's the whole point. That's the point of it. I don't know man.

This person I promise is not getting invited back to the white elephant exchange. Cause they, you know they made a stink and like. Well that calendar was pretty stinky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were probably like, Luke, how do you like it if I poop all over your living room? Aunt Diane, like how dare you give my son this?

And then it was like, click, click, oh, for next year's calendar. Next year. But the- Pooping cousins. The fact they threw it out before leaving, talk about, is that classy to do? That's unhinged.

That's not classy, first of all. That's unhinged. And also, it's a kid, okay? I'm sure they know a dog can poop. Hello, is that shocking information? I'm pretty sure everybody poops. We learned about it when we were two in a book. Is that one of the books people were passing around?

Because maybe your son could look at it and learn a thing or two. He could learn a lot. Seriously. But yeah, he's going to dig that calendar back out and be like, finally, I understand. Mom never taught me the biology, the birds and the bees. Yeah, no. And the fact that they're, they didn't buy this.

They went to the Amazon to find the listing that they threw away. Like so sad. Cause imagine whoever bought it for the thing thing probably bought it on Amazon and then got Like there's a new review on a product you purchased and it's like It's like your your fucking sister-in-law bitching about the calendar again when it's all you hear about It's actually written by Todd Todd Get a fucking sense of humor, man.

Lighten up. Todd, what the fuck did you bring to the, you should check out Todd's purchase history. We can guess what Todd. What do you think I'm looking at? Oh, good. Let's find out what Todd purchased for the white elephant. Oh, maybe it was the Ford four gallon garbage bags.

Either. That's in case, no, he bought that for next year in case there were more calendars of pooping dogs. He's like like I brought trash bags for everybody. Oh, I'm getting some info My three-year-old received a gift 2015 six years. So this was like a nine-year-old maybe if this is the same kid I should say Person that feels weird For sure. Well, I'm just psychoanalyzing them. So I don't know which is really healthy of you to do Oh, Christy might have been the Ford actuator as. So I don't know which is worse. I think that's really healthy of you to do. Oh, Christy, it might have been the Ford actuator Asim. I don't know why it says Asim. It's genuine.

I really doubt it's Asim. I really do too, but it's capital A, lowercase SM, and it's a piece of a Ford car. And it's a little piece of thing. That must be it. That is classy. That's a classy gift. There's no poop involved with that one. The start of a new year is the perfect time to get organized, to set goals and prioritize what matters most. And for me, a top priority is my financial wellness,

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Their veggie enchiladas were really good but I also liked that they included smoothies and juice drinks and some cookies. Just all sorts of different vegan snacks for me and it showed me some brands that I'd never even known about so it really expanded my vegan food horizons and I really love that about Hungry Root. You're gonna love Hungry Root as much as I do. Take advantage of this exclusive offer. For a limited time, get 40% off your first box, plus get a free item in every box for life.

Go to hungryroot.com slash beach2sandy and use code beach2sandy. That's hungryroot.com slash beach2sandy, code beach2sandy, to get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice For life hungryroot.com slash beach to sandy code beach to sandy This is also for Matt and Jen and it's of another dogs pooping calendar nice It's a one star review by Angie called these poopers aren't funny anymore. Oh. Verified purpose. It is actually a little bit sad.

Every single picture in this calendar was used in last year's calendar. Literally the exact same pictures. I have to admit I was blindsided with disappointment. I like to add a bit of humor to my refrigerator, but after a month, I want to giggle at a new pooping dog, not a rerun of last year's pooping dog. There are more dogs in the world than people, and each and every one poops well more than 12 times a week, which alone would cover 52 calendars a year. My dog is pooping right this very minute. And along with hundreds of other people in my state alone,

I'd have been happy to submit a picture with spectacular quality for free. If only I had known that there was such a shortage of pooping dog footage. My suggestion is to run a promotion, give out a ribbon when you pick one. That would be a lot better than a year's worth of disappointment.

End of review. Wow, they're not wrong. Very constructive. It's the same photos of the same pooping dog. But I also think this was just another like kind of fake like ripoff calendar. Like it wasn't- They didn't buy from pooping pooches.

Exactly. It wasn't like the original, like they're actually curating a calendar. It was just like, they just slapped a bunch of pictures and printed it and sold it on Amazon and made, you know what I mean? So what I want to say to this reviewer is, there are so many more pooping dogs in the sea.

Like go look at any, like go to, like, if you scroll down on your listing and say suggested, I bet you a lot of those are different pictures. Right now, my suggested ones ones are like gnome ornaments flipping me off, snowman pooping snowflakes. Oh God, this really does all track to our recent episodes. A snowman with a little snowman ornament with a carrot picture at the crotch that says,

expecting six to eight inches tonight. Oh for God's sake. That's a calendar? That's an ornament, sorry. So that's what my, it says, customers who viewed items in your browsing history. So I'm in the wrong spot. Gift ideas inspired by your shopping history. What?

Five blade women's razors. I don't think I should give that as a gift. Is that a sign? Are you trying to tell me something? Oh, the menstruation crustacean shrimp heating pad What what is my shopping history? I have not purchased something on Amazon in like four years Zandi I I put that on my Amazon wishlist the shrimp menstruating shrimp thing. So that's probably why crossover from that I sometimes explains it I sometimes log into your Amazon and add some things to the wishlist just in case you

Accidentally buy them for me Yeah, accidentally. Yeah, I haven't purchased anything since 2022 okay, may Coming on for years soon no Amazon except for Amazon Prime. Don't worry. I still give them money Amazon Prime, I still give them money. This isn't some moral high ground thing. Well, I feel very morally low right now because I for sure bought something this morning. I'm not saying that out of judgment, everyone. Don't worry.

This is my last pooping pooches, this is my last pooping pooches one, and then I'm gonna have you look at photos of just a couple to see what the quality of this calendar is. Here's a one-star review titled What? And it's by someone named Boxer Mom. Why would anyone want something that's obviously making fun of our little kids? Would you like to see a 12-month calendar of humans pooping? This is sick and so distasteful, and anyone who finds this remotely funny or wants one?

Well that's sad. I'm sure this review will get deleted but I had to write it as it hurts my feelings as a fur kid mom and can't believe it's even available online for sale or that anyone is so desperate for money to create, print, and sell them. It's a sad world we live in. Frowny face. End of review them. It's a sad world we live in frowny face and of review. Well, it's a sad world you live in. I know. Whoever you are. I know. It's not pornography.

You at this review and was like, what the fuck is it? I was like when they when she said our children, I was like, wait, there's children in here. No, this is this their fur babies. That's no, come on. Like, I think that's going way too far. I literally just saw somebody on TikTok saying that their Stanley Cup was going back to school shopping and I was like,

this parenting thing has gone way too far. That's hilarious. Let's get back to just being moms, everybody, please. Yes, that's what Jesus wants. That's what Jesus wants. being moms, everybody, please. Yes, that's what Jesus wants. That's what Jesus wants. Psalms, something or other. I just feel that maybe this person is probably one of those reviewers we talk about

who's just upset all the time, because there's no way you could get through life being so triggered by just people laughing at a dog pooping and then how do you live your life? You must have problems with all sorts of ways people Yeah, take pictures of dogs or post pictures of dogs or put tiaras on a dog or up to to you imagine I'm scared of this person. I feel like they would come up to me and give me some like parenting advice and I About Gio and I as you're walking. He's like don't let your dog eat cat shit

It's like you try keeping that dog away from the cat shit like it's not that easy easier to go GEO needs to go to boarding school okay it's not my fault that I'm a bad doggy parent so true yeah um then I went to their website pooping pooches and it says gag gifts for good causes so apparently they they're a quote top dog business partner with the Maui Humane Society and they've been that way since 2013. There's some pictures of them in front of like like a dog grass area like a and it says like provided by pooping pooches. So they're making money off using these dogs bodies like this.

Okay. They're making money but giving back to the animals. So they're working dogs. But my favorite part of their FAQ on pooping pooches.com is why do you like pooping dogs so much? And that says, it's a joke. It all started with my wacky grandmother who tormented my mother as a child. She would yell, Hey, look at that. And point to a pooping dog whenever she saw one.

My mom decided to do the same thing to me, and now it's come to this end of cancer. So it could have been, it could have gotten to one of two ways. There was a fork in the road for that mom, and I bet her sister took the other route and now is leaving one star of you saying, how could you do this? It's humiliating for a dog. You're adding on to this repeating the cycle. Right? Like you either break the cycle, repeat the cycle. Yeah. Yeah. This cycle has grown thanks to this, this pooping pooches.com. But I think it's honestly hilarious. Like that, that's the origin.

That they weren't like, like they actually have a reason for doing it instead of like, yeah, that's wonderful. Oh, people would find this funny. Anyway, and they accept photo submissions. They have a photo, a yearly photo contest. Oh my God, I got to tell that reviewer, Angie. Yeah, no. Because she was saying, my dog's pooping right now. That person described pooping pooches because look at my notes now. You can see the first photo, like the home or the main photo for the

2020 calendar. And then I added another one and it's like these dogs are in some beautiful places. There's a picture of this dog and it has a dog name in the top bottom right. Okay, and their location. So it has Maeve in Moab, Utah and it's gorgeous in the background. And I will say like it's very tasteful because if you don't necessarily look closely it just kind of looks like the dog is hunched over It's sort of like oh, it's not as like in your face as that anus was Pooping position but without the anus I did see a calendar called like On Etsy or something like dogs pooping in like with glorious backgrounds or something like I don't know they make them of everything now like everything yeah no I bet but yeah I

thought that this organization of all of them seemed like the best pooping calendar one because they seem to be work with a humane society too and they like it's all user submitted like it's's all, I don't know, they don't steal photos. It's just, it seems cute. And it's based on an inside joke with grandma. How could you go wrong? Exactly. Just like perfect.

All right, so I have a redemption of a calendar called Dogs Pooping. Oh, here it is. Dogs Pooping in Beautiful Places. This was sent in by Olivia and it's a five star review. The calendar was perfect except Easter 2025 was printed on the incorrect date but honestly that just makes it even funnier. End of review. So there you go. I like that. Yeah why not? I mean the Jesus mom calendar better not have Easter on the wrong day because then we're in big trouble. That would be trouble.

And my deviled eggs won't be ready. That is kind of funny. That would be like dad, our dad makes a calendar every year. If he put Easter on the wrong, I mean he forgets your birthday which is really funny. But that's like the funniest thing. But the second funniest thing would be him messing up Easter. He would not be happy about that. I assume that's like default. Like he doesn't have to add Easter. Yeah because I saw indigenous people's day was on there and I was like, I don't think dad would have thought to put that in there No offense not that he wouldn't like but I don't think he also Columbus day

That sounded really proud like Trust me, I know he forgot my fucking fourth of July. He forgot fourth of know. He forgot my birthday. He would have forgotten fucking 4th of July. He forgot 4th of June. He forgot 4th of June. He forgot 4th of July. All right. Anyway. Here we go. I have one more.

Me too. Oh, you do? Yeah. I thought you were done. Go ahead. No, do you wanna go first though? Is it of another pooping dog? It is not.

Oh, mine isn't either. You go first. Okay, so first I looked at this one called OnlyFans calendar. What? And I was like, that's weird. It is not. Oh mine isn't either you go first. Okay, so first I looked at this one called only fans calendar What and I was like that's weird and I clicked on it and it was Like a model on the front and then you opened it up and it was these like pictures of fans Like that only fans. Okay, but they were all AI generated. So it was like really shitty Anyway, I didn't like that and there were no AI good AI generated probably, probably, but I did not.

The reviews weren't good. Then in the description I saw or in the suggested, I saw 2025 nude calendar with full frontal nudity, artistic and erotic photography, beautiful models showing entire bodies. Oh, that's dad's calendar Just kidding Okay, no Forgot what day okay The description says 12 beautiful woman in full frontal nudity parentheses final product can't be shown on Amazon woman in full frontal nudity parentheses final product can't be shown on Amazon Wow completely naked women showing boobs nipples pussy and ass

whoa I have no pictures in my notes don't worry but they know they like this images that they have are like cropped but they said it says these are cropped but it's uncensored. Oh, okay. So it's the real deal, unlike OnlyFans. Okay, here we go. Here is a... You found out the hard way. Yeah, here is a two star review.

Exactly. Verified purchase. Your name is printed on item in big letters. This should be an outstanding calendar. The pictures are excellent. The models are beautiful. Note, some of them show absolutely everything. The pages are thick paper, not easily bent or creased.

Good quality spiral binding. Each large crystal clear 11 by 14 picture hangs with 11 by 14 grid of days below the fold. Why are you measuring it? I don't like this. Stop. Plenty of room in each day square to write notes if you want or in the margin. Notes! Christina, the number of reviews with this calendar that are just like, wow, this calendar is great for me and my notes and putting things.

They just like having some boobies. I don't know. Now you know what they're doing. 30, four, double T. They have that measuring tape. Why else would you have a measuring tape out? That's a good point. The production layout even avoids, well, almost, pictures where there's hole punched in the model's head. And then they print your name in large block letters

along with other order information directly on the item, not on a separate sheet. This is not a great choice for a gift, definitely not for a Secret Santa. And you have to wonder where else your information is being stored and transmitted if they are so careless. There should be something beautiful here, but given the price, I have to question the overall value.

End of review. And this was reviewed like less than a month ago. This is a $40 calendar. Holy shit. Yeah. Oh, no, nevermind. Depends on the size. That's for 14 inch by 11 and a half inch.

So I assume what this person got, but the cheapest is 32. So it's not much less. They print your name on the calendar. That's very funny. And it's like hilarious. And I love that. Like he's going to give it as a gift. Like to whom may I ask? To whom? And I get it. It's like kind of a cock block to see like the gift giver's name,

I guess, on on there. But what I assume once you hang it up, you wouldn't see it like each month but still that's like really weird to get your order information printed on your nude calendar. Yeah does that like mean credit card? Like what does that mean? You know that would be bad. Yeah I assume it's like that statement that usually comes with an Amazon package or a package like a little piece of printout but they must print it right on there.

Well then you just gotta write a gift note and then just gift note it on the back. There you go. It's fine. I'm gonna close this page. Put to Todd's nine-year-old son. He'll know what it means. He'll understand. He has trash bags at the ready.

That one son won't understand. He hasn't seen enough dogs pooping. That's too bad. That's my last one. So the other ones were from Maddie. That one was from my own research. From your own calendar. Oh, not your own calendar.

Not yet, it's in the mail. You turn it around and show me what the name on it says because I know that it's yours. You got, I'm like, oh, a friend gave it to me. Let me see. I don't believe you. His name is the same as mine, okay. So this is from Olivia. Nope, I already did a one from Olivia.

This is from Tracy Sheher and she said, "'Please enjoy the magic of the shrimp whisperer calendar.'" Now, can you click into my notes and click the- I'm already here. Okay, good. Click the link. Because you're gonna really be delighted by this. Okay. Shrimp. It's a best seller on Etsy. What the fuck is happening? This is insanity. Sinner, I'll be honest. I have no idea. That second one with a

shrimp on a unicorn. Are these real shrimp? I don't think so. Look at the, I mean, they look like little, like little. Look, I saw some stripper mice that are taxidermized in a store. And they're on like stripper poles. Not cute. I think that's what it was called. It was like stripper mice or something.

No, no, if you zoom in, these are definitely not real because they're way too like, oh God, I hope they're not real. Christina. I can't stop thinking about it now. I'm pretty sure they're real. That's gonna be really smelly. Why is one at the dentist?

These images are not digitally manipulated. Every shot is staged with real shrimp sized props. Okay, good, whew. Wait, no, the props are shrimp sized. Yeah, real shrimp sized props. Real shrimp sized props, real? Doesn't mean the shrimp's not real. No, it says shrimp sized props. Real shrimp sized props. Real? Doesn't mean the shrimp's not real. No, it says shrimp sized.

Yeah, the props are shrimp sized. Oh, shrimp sized props. Oh shit. I need more details. The man behind the shrimp. Here we go. My name is Al. Is that the information you were seeking out? I've already saw that

part. I am the Shrimp Whisperer. Okay. When making my first shrimp pots with a co-worker. Oh I see they harvest real shrimp. Okay. Okay. I started photographing these talented creatures over 15 years ago staging my models in activities which have evolved to imagine like in the days before the internet this would talented creatures over 15 years ago, staging my models in activities, which have evolved to imagine like in the days before the internet, this would have just been like the crazy guy down the road who like takes shrimp and makes, puts them in a doll house and you're like,

don't go to that kid's house sweetie, or that guy's house. Now the shop has 971 reviews. Best seller. It's his time to shine. After the first thousand photos or so, my daughters encouraged me to do something with them. I love that he did this for the love of the art. That is that is cute. Actually, I as weird as this is.

After a thousand photos, they needed to be shared with the world. These photographs are not photoshopped. OK, yeah, there you go. He really takes them makes me a lot less uncomfortable than the mice that i saw deeply that were staged on poles and dancing and now so are these things alive no i do not they're talented I guess that's just... I don't know why I believed him. I fear that we wouldn't know unless we watch like a video of how these are made. And I don't know if I want to watch that because if they're alive and their little like antennae are moving around, I... it's honestly impressive.

It would be... look, there's one where there's like a Viking ship looking ship with six shrimp inside. If those shrimp are alive, I have a feeling they wouldn't be posing so, I know they're talented, don't get me wrong, but I don't think they would be this photogenic. Wait, but he's a shrimp whisperer. Oh, you're right. Doesn't that imply that he's like-

He whispers when they're alive, not when, because that would be weird if he was like, yeah I can whisper to shrimp, but only when they're dead. I Can whisper to that shrimp to watch me? It's like yeah, I can I can be a dog whisper as long as the dogs lying They're dead. I can make it do whatever I want. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So anyway, this is a review of the shrimp calendar five stars by Jen Ten out of 10 best calendar.

It is just the right mix of humor and art and animals. I found the 2024 version while in Alaska. And when I found there was a 2025, you bet I was getting it. I keep mine by my freshwater shrimp tank. It is absolute perfection. We'll absolutely be looking to see if there is a 2026 one next year.

End of review. Like as a threat to these oh keep the keep it by the no answer as inspiration oh someday you might be like look these viking these shrimp are more talented these shrimp are so talented that they're models it's like when you put like you know pictures in your locker where you're like i want to look like that i guess people don't do that. I Guess they put that above their treadmill. I don't know. I don't know what on their Pinterest board I got my nudie nudies on the wall just on the wall. You got a whole calendar. I know

Wow, this is incredible, I don't know man, I can't get over this I don't know if it's they're alive or not and I or not, and I'm spinning out over it, so I'll... I mean, obviously I'm finding out, so. Oh my God. What? This is so crazy. I just don't know. I mean, I'm looking at

Like his website and he has like a whole little like stage set up for them Is there an FAQ that's what I really need is an FAQ There's a it says as seen on the shrimp whisper the shrimp whisper was on indie Alaska That better not be a radio show because then I'm not not going to find out any information. Oh my God. Christina? What? What? I think they're alive.

I told you! I fucking told you. I'm sorry, there's a video of him putting two in a... I knew it. He puts them in boats, he puts them in little RC cars. This is insane Christina this is absolutely insane everyone fucking video. I am the shrimp whisperer in the Alaska I cannot tell if these shrimp are dead or alive. Like I feel like it's a mix a

Mix. Oh my god, that's so dark. Imagine you're on a modeling shoot No, wait, imagine you get picked for a modeling shoot and then you go and they're like, anyway, half of these people are dead, but just pose next to them like they're alive. Like, what the fuck? You can't do that. That's not okay for their mental health. Okay, I'm watching.

Christina. What? Yeah, he. Okay, Al is hilarious. Christina. She picks this as kind of fucked up. If this were anything but shrimp though, I know right. It's only the most photogenic ones and puts the rest in the freezer in the freezer.

Oh, because he's a shrimp fisherman. He's not. So he's harvesting them, but then he pulls out a few to model. Let's them have one last hurrah on a sailboat before he kills them, I suppose. Alex and her, that is like way dark. There's one where he's like, puts three on a grill next to a Barbie. Like they're gonna be grilled.

Oh dear. Look, if this were anything but shrimp, like if this were like cows, I'd probably be like, let's not do this. But Alex and her, imagine if a shrimp is your baby, like that other lady. We shouldn't humiliate all our shrimp babies like this. That person literally put it up next to their shrimp babies.

You're right. You're right. They have shrimp babies and they love it. The shrimp moms, the shrimp moms, which Jesus does not condone, but whatever. No, Jesus does not acknowledge the shrimp moms. He doesn't even let them like exist in his realm of knowledge. Yeah. He is not holding space for those shrimp moms. No, Jesus does not acknowledge the shrimp moms. He doesn't even let them like exist in his realm of knowledge Yeah, he is not holding space for those shrimp. No Yeah, they They're they're a different breed. I'm a proud shrimp mom That's right. Jesus. I said it

Christina, where are your shrimp? You like to know they're at church You like to know they're at church. Yeah, they're in the free Sitting next to that clown in the pew, but they're so little that you One sticking out of his mouth too Yeah, that's right. Cuz because his friend he was the guy who died was also friends with a lot of shrimp and out Whisper. Oh, is that what big, that movie Big Shrimp is about? Yeah. And then if you go to, if you go to July of the calendar,

it's a bunch of shrimp at a funeral and you can see part of a clown horn in it. And that's cause it's the same picture. That was your motion for clown horn. Look at you cupping, cupping some balls or something, like squeezing them. That was so weird. I did make a very uncomfortable. like you honk a clown horn,

like not like that. That was so weird. Okay. Okay. It's time for my challenge. Okay. So my challenge was sent in. Ah, by the way, Brittany, I believe came up with calendars. Can I blow my nose?

Yeah. Blow your clown horn. I'm going to go honk my clown horn if you know what I mean. And my tissues aren't here. I'll be right back. Remember when he just said, oh, I haven't bought anything on Amazon in two years. I just got a notification while you were blowing your nose that said, snail tea bag holder from your wish list is finally in stock.

Get it now. I'm like, oh no, I'm the problem. I know. We all knew that about you though. We all knew that already. though. We all knew that already I just want to be very clear that I acknowledge it as well Good. It's time for my challenge. This was sent in by Grapefruit Street and it was to find Reviews mentioning a convoluted relationship such as a neighbor's cousin's brother

People sending things in who were you about to say that? Yeah That don't worry I didn't forget either calendars. I believe was sent in by Brittany But I also believe it was just suggested as like oh you've done this before on patreon or something. Why don't you do it? Okay, I don't know. Maybe we have done it before who knows Probably Brittany. Okay. This is a Review from Phoenix. I felt like this was maybe one of the best ones to start off with because it just really gets to the gets to the point. This is a five-star review. Oh, this is interesting. Yelp has a new situation

happening. That's never, never good. This reviewer apparently who is Elite 2025. Okay, it's January. I guess that's what they get. They earn it for the next year. That's your Delta SkyMiles. Yeah, by Delta status. Sure, sure, sure. So they now have a badge that says 32 fried chicken reviews that Yelp gave them that badge. Excuse me? That's a thing. Yeah, so I guess it's new. It must be new. I've never seen it before. What does Fox say? Two million Bodo reviews? Like, right? It's really of everything. 400 Mall of America reviews, both past and present store. Every store that's ever been there, maybe literally every spot. Yeah. Um, so this is by Lynn and I love that their profile picture literally says 2024 Yelp elite squad. And then it says at the bottom, yes.

it literally says 2024 Yelp Elite Squad, and then it says at the bottom, yes! Oh, Yelp Elite Squad, okay, I get it. I'm stupid, I was like, why does it say yes? Okay. Yes! So this is a restaurant called Dongnuan, and it's a Hainan chicken place, I don't know. It looks yummy, I think it might have closed, honestly,

but I'm not sure, oh no, no, no, this was written in November. So this should be still going strong. This is a five star review by an Elite 25. So you know, this has gotta mean something with that badge. Okay. I wanted to try Dongnuan for their Hainan chicken rice plate since my brother's wife's real estate agent's husband recommended it.

Sorry. Hainan chicken rice plate since my brother's wife's real estate agent's husband recommended it. Excuse me? I forgot the challenge until you said all that. That is ridiculous. Oh, that's the point of this challenge. Honestly, it gets me so good this one because a lot of them are fake, like, or like tongue in cheek, like they're kind of joking, like, yeah, it was probably my brother's husband's blah, blah, blah. You know, but this one is so sincere. Like it's a full on review, but it says my brother's wife's blah blah blah, but this one is so sincere.

It's a full on review but it says, my brother's wife's real estate agent's husband recommended it. I brought my mom with me on a Saturday afternoon. Wow, the chicken was very moist and yummy. Rice was nicely flavored with seasoned chicken broth, cucumbers were fresh and crispy, and the garlic ginger sauce was amazingly tasty and drinkable. LOL the nice lady server and gentlemen consistently came over to our table asking us if we want more sauce. Well yeah you're also like drinking it.

You want some more sauce? I don't think I think we're cutting you off is what my manager says. We ended up getting a small container of extra sauce for the leftover chicken. Thank you, Ms. and Sir. It was a quick lunch. I would definitely return here for more Hainan chicken and maybe even try their other food items.

Thank you, Dong Nguyen, for your many years of passion for food and sharing it with us across continents. End of review. Well, OK. That's a very sweet review. But yes, that is ridiculous. I hope your brother's wife's real estate agent's husband finds out how you feel. I think so considering they gave them credit on the internet like that.

Insane. That makes me think, oh yeah, they definitely wanted them to know. Yeah. That, you know, so they, I would hope that they gave credit in person. That that person recommended it. That is amazing. And it's not even like, oh, this, my wife's real estate agent's, my brother's, oh, fuck off, fuck off.

No, can I be honest? I forgot what it was. Deeply insane. Right when you started bringing up the mom, I was like, new relationship. New relationship. Went with your mom, I'm gonna completely forget about the five.

Five times removed. That's like saying. real estate related thing. Five degrees of real estate agent or something. Yeah, I feel like you could play that game. Oh, Kiefer Sutherland recommended this to me. He did? Yeah, well he's my wife's cousin's boss's makeup artist. Wait, Kiefer Sutherland is not playing. Cousins, bosses, makeup artist, wait, Kiefer Sutherland is not there.

Kiefer Sutherland is not there. I mean maybe it's like a little career switch. It could be a side hobby, a COVID passion, I don't know. Okay, I'm so sorry. Okay, anyway, so that's the first one. I just thought like a very sincere brother's wife's real estate agent's husband recommendation. Always good.

Now I have one from Olivia and this is of the Jolly Pets five inch Jolly Tough Toppler. And it's essentially a Kong, you know those Kong, you know Kong treats, like where you fill it with peanut butter or freeze it or put treats in it. So it's that, it's a Tough Toppler. It's like a rubber dog toy. Yes, and you're supposed to put stuff in it

and it's really hard for them to chew, so it keeps them busy. And this is a two-star review by Chris. Verified purchase. Great company, bad product. Another reviewer, Andrea, mentioned she had a different toy from the same company, Jolly Pets. I bought every single toy they make as a gift for my dad's girlfriend's pit bull mutt because he already had one that was his favorite. This is the only one he's been able to destroy and it hasn't even been a week. End of review. I mean there was more about how the toy didn't work very well.

So there we go. My dad's girlfriend's pit bull mutt. So let me see who that because Gio is a pit bull mutt. My dad's girlfriend's pit bull mutt. So let me see who, cause Gio is a pit bull mutt. Well, he's more of like a mutt of all sorts, but he does have pit bull. So let me see if this was Gio, if this were Gio. The Blazes. Leona's dad's girlfriend. For my dad's, wait no. So I'm the girlfriend.

It's my pit bull mutt. My husband. Christina, we have my boyfriend Dad's Girl, oh, so it's leon. Yeah. Okay. Yeah So that's weird I guess It's not weird. It's just uh, we've had this experience with our parents

Like this level. Oh, yeah. Oh, no, we talk like this all the time. Oh my stepmom's neighbors Yeah, like dad. Nelsie got married they dated. I guess I was a little young to buy her if she had a dog Never mind Yeah, sure. I don't know why I'm trying to relate to this person buying their dad's girlfriend's pitbull mutt a Gift feels like you're a little defensive Always also from Olivia This is a gun review a gift. Feels like you're a little defensive. Always. Also from Olivia, this is a gun review website topic. Okay, hold on.

That's nothing. That's a bunch of words. That was not. This is a website called The High Road, which I guess I thought it was gonna be about weed, but it's about guns? Question mark, I think. And then there's a forum.

It's a forum, but then there's a- I thought it was about Scotland. Oh my God, it's about Scottish weaponry, ammunition. No, it's not. It's not what that song's about. I'll take the high road and you'll take the low road. Why do you think that there's all that machine gun fire in the middle of that song?

That's a bridge. Oh. So this is from a website called the High Road, which is not about weed, as you might imagine, and as I had the stark disappointment to find out. It's about guns. And one of the threads on the forum is about creating a gun review website,

I guess, which feels like that's already what this is. But whatever. But there's forums where you can discuss is, but whatever. Maybe there are- But there's forums where you can discuss guns, but there's not a Yelp for guns. Maybe, maybe it's not a dedicated review site. That's what we've been missing. There Alexander goes defending the reviewer again,

he wants another fucking gun review website. I mean, Alexander- I want another one? You can't just support every reviewer, even when they just- I don't they just, okay, this is now, this was written in 2004, just a cool 20 years ago. And this was a comment, the sixth comment on this thread about a gun review website.

And here's what Joe says. If I may suggest, ask that the reviewers actually own or have owned the gun they're reviewing. There's too many instances of having shot their brother's, in-laws' uncle's, cousin's, plumber's pistol once for three rounds and didn't like it. Or people that have a bone to pick with a company and knock it without ever having tried it. If they owned it, hated it, and traded away, they have a valid review. But just something they tried once at a family get-together might not give a valid review, but it's a great site

I'll post a couple for some rare crystals. I own soon Joe Thanks, Joe. Thanks. So this he was a huge fan of Amazon introducing verified purchase Oh, I bet and don't get me wrong. So my like I agree with this reviewer especially in their Their gun sales category. Yeah. Yeah verified purchase. I've shot guns before I Have not all zero stars all zero. That's that's more that's not because of the quality of said guns I well, but it was it's just the fact that they're guns, but those are plumbers gun that was my cousin's

boyfriend's dad's guns That's actually true. No, that actually is true. I thought we were making a joke I was like that wasn't funny and then I went oh no, that's actually real then it was in Austria Dad yeah, I have not shot a gun So I don't know yet whether I like them or not. At the time I was like, oh, I'm so cool, this is so cool. And I don't know, it was like cool. It wasn't like not cool, I enjoyed my time, but I don't like guns, believe it or not.

Not really my thing. Oh God, what else is he gonna fucking take away from us, this guy? I know, I'm a vegan, I don't like guns, I don't know how to live. Now you're pushing it. I do like that Joe, Joe, Joe would absolutely not allow you onto this website, I'll accept that.

No, and Christina, I think that's okay for every, like both sides can agree that's for the best. I think so too. And like I'm not allowed on there. I've never even tried a gun before. Who knows, maybe I love them. I think you should stay away from them. There's no way to find out.

Yeah, there isn't, you're right, Never try. You're so true. Maybe one day I'll stumble upon a reason to use one. Just kidding. Okay this is from Megan. It's a country western shop called Southwest Hill Country and it's a five-star review by Leilani. An awesome little country western shop full of boots and different country apparel. What brought me here on a Friday night? Leslie and the Badgers, one of Kay's sister's friends bands that played here last weekend. It was a small little layout, pretty much living room style. There was beer and boxed wine for all the patrons. End of review. Who? Sorry, did you not hear K's sister's friends band, Leslie and the Badgers?

This challenge is one of my favorites. It's so bonkers. We've already had a dog, we've had a band, we've had like a plumber's gun. I don't know. It's just all over the place. And I'm a sucker for reviews that are like, I don't know, it feels like it's not meant for me. You know, like it- Totally, totally. It feels so specific. It feels like a peek into someone else's life. Like you're like, huh. Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of cute. Wow.

Like, yeah. If I could only imagine what you're up to, but Leslie and the Badgers, they sound like- That's the thing is I can, because they're opening that door open for my imagination. I know and I love it. Like, Leslie and the Badgers, that sounds like a great time. Because you know you gotta gotta love Leslie and the Badgers and also I just looked them up and they're actually very legit I don't think I thought it was more of just like a local thing, but it looks like they're actually pretty pretty

Love that for them pretty well known or relatively at least I don't know. I don't know. I like to think that's what people Say about us. They go. Oh, that's what dad usually says, huh? Oh people have heard of that many This sounds like a great time. Where is this located? Well the reviewers in Seattle, but I don't know where Southwest Hill country is now that would be a fun choice When you said Southwest Hill country, I certainly did not picture Seattle. Oh, that's also hmm. That's also the name of a stain from Sherwin Williams, like a wood stain.

So that's all that comes up when I type it in. I think this place may be closed. Have you seen the usual suspects? It sounds like this person was just looking around their room or their hardware store and just like, yeah, Leslie and the- Oh, yeah, Leslie and the, there's like a picture of a badger for some reason. And some people are like, the badgers. Oh, this place is closed. Oh, it was in Eagle Rock, California.

Oh, Eagle Rock. Well, that's sad. Anyway, okay, so that's Leslie and the badgers. Now this was from Stephanie Shide, who sent in a link to a little something called LOL Cow. Hmm, what's that? Should I know what this is? You know what that is, don't you?

LOLCOW? Am I crazy? I thought this was like your and fuckin' Raymond Eads thing, or maybe I'm making that up. I mean, he had a RuneScape account named Cow Diaper back in the day. Okay, that might literally be the only thing that got me thinking that.

I thought I knew what Lolcow was, but maybe I don't. I have no idea what this is. All right, well anyway, it's from Lolcow, which I guess is a forum where you can talk about random shit, I don't know. And this is a post in the Off Topic forum. I'll be honest, the website already looks off topic This is a post in the off-topic forum. I'll be honest, the website already looks off-topic in general, so I don't know what makes this more off-topic.

But this is an off-topic thread, and it's just one post that Stephanie highlighted for me here by anonymous one year ago. "'My half brother's cousin is Robert De Niro's nephew "'that overdosed, and I still have no idea "'how to process this information Follow-up message shit. I met grandson fuck either way. I don't know how to process this clearly

Don't even know where to start somebody responding. I don't think you should say stuff And then somebody else responded, sorry to ask, but what is anyone going to do with that information? Your half brother knows an overdose victim? Cool, so do I. And the- What the fuck?

Like they're not wrong, like what the fuck? I mean, just like, and this was like a year ago, I'm like, what in earth? Kind of weird just like, and this was like a year ago. I'm like, what an earth kind of weird. And I went back and scrolled up. There's like, I mean, I know it's off topic, but like people were discussing something else. And then like this person just jumped in and everyone was all the responses were like, huh? Why are you saying that? Like it bothers me sometimes when people do that, like completely not reading the room.

And like, we'll say something like that. But when it's this problematic, especially it's like whoa I also love the correction like sorry guys. Sorry guys. I know that was confusing I don't even know what that part is correcting to be honest What if it was Robert De Niro? What if none of it had to do with Robert De Niro? They met just their grandfather's like Roger De Niro. Oh, I met my grandson Robert Robert De Niro. They met just their grandfather's like cousins. Oh, I meant Roger De Niro. Oh, I met my grandson Roger De Niro. Roger De Niro. What the fuck? That's wild. I assume this is like a young person. I like that this person is like sorry, sorry, but what am I supposed to do with this? That's like a good kind way of saying what the fuck are you doing?

Yeah, like I also know someone who tragically passed away in that way. I don't think that that's gonna be helpful to anybody here. No. Wow. Maybe like seek some help elsewhere, you know? Yeah.

Hopefully. Okay, so this is from Avi, and it's of the River Brink Art Museum in Queenston, Ontario. And this is a four star review called, Our Friend's Uncle. Honorary Sam Weir, Our Friend's Uncle, is buried in the front yard of his spectacular home and law office,

which is now a museum. The art collection contains years of his fantastic pieces. End of review. So The Friend's Uncle is the guy buried in the front yard of the museum. That's cool? Question mark?

Yeah, it's so, it's like... Hey, not to be an asshole, but what am I supposed to do with that information? That's like going to the like, where the freaking Nix, not Nixen library, the, what's his fucking name? Reagan? Reagan. Why am I, my brain... Remember when Nancy's had a birthday and then then they were like they gave us cake. I

Won a fee fund Oh Nancy Reagan, sorry, Nancy, but you meant the Nancy from our childhood and like I Do not remember this crayons and then they Oh, yeah, it just a dog bowl full of crayons. Yeah good times No, I like he's buried there and Nancy. They're both buried there. I know. That's my cut. It's like, oh yeah, you know, like, buried there. It's a cool place to go to. That's Kiefer Sutherland's makeup, makeup artist. Yeah. And then, but that sandwiched between like a hundred reviews of people saying, I wish I could piss on the grave. I wish I could piss on the grave I wish my grandma no it's you need like a dogs pooping on Reagan's grave calendar that I might I would probably pay for you're gonna have to go to the dark web for that too I think I'm afraid. Someone do it for me. No let's not I don't want that in my inbox thank you. Okay this is the last one it's also from Avi and it's a reddit thread because I thought maybe what better than to end the day with a

little bit of drop family drama someone else's family drama. I was gonna say yeah let's get into it. Sorry I just saw my own pulse skyrocket and I realized no Christine No, no, no someone else's family drama. So here is a post in our gifts by infinite bowler 217 and they say what do I buy my sister's neighbors cheating baby daddy for Christmas and now Let me just read this post because it's actually really delightful And now, let me just read this post, because it's actually really delightful. My family always, well, sorry. It's delightful in some ways, in most ways not,

because it's obviously very fucked up and sad, but it brings a little bit of a... Yeah, going from delightful, and if it's something not great, I get why you would maybe want to clarify first. So hmm I feel like I've clarified so much that now I'm confused Here we go. My family always spends Christmas with my grandmother and this year my sister's neighbors will be joining us They are a very young couple who just welcomed a baby boy

I adore the mother and baby but despise the baby's father as he cheated on the mother while she was pregnant with baby I don't care if this man lives or dies despise the baby's father as he cheated on the mother while she was pregnant with baby. I don't care if this man lives or dies, but I am buying presents for literally everyone else and I can't have one person just sitting there not opening anything on Christmas, their family lives states away. I also typically buy nice slash fairly expensive things for my family so if I just got him socks I think that would be rude. What is a decently nice gift in the range of $100 to $200 that you can buy for someone you don't like?

Is a gift card the solution? End of post. That is a useful post. Incredibly useful. I was like, I would not even know how to answer this. And then I start reading the comments and I go, oh, people are so smart. That's what I meant when I said it's kind of uplifting.

Like people just getting in there and saying, uh, well, here's what they're saying. Okay. Holiday aside says buy him an STD test and a pack of condoms. If he's going to cheat, he shouldn't bring diseases home. Glittering deer says, that is so like, that is just, I don't know. It's crazy. Sorry. I just like bothers me that this band did that. And like, Oh, it bothers you. Wow. I know. I'm sorry. I was't know, that's crazy. Sorry, that just bothers me that this man did that. Oh, it bothers you? Wow.

No, I'm sorry. I was just like, it's so crazy. Pregnant? Happens a lot. A big lump of coal and get her a vibrator to replace him. Beaner ho, oh, Beaner ho, I hope I'm saying that right. Buy him a 23andMe test kit so all future affair babies can identify their father.

Ambikiddycat said, your supply of penicillin? Just get a family gift and make it something nice for the baby or house, fuck that guy. So then people were actually suggesting like, get something for the house or the baby or the mom, you know, that's like useful. That's a really good one. Which I thought, well, that's a nice way to kind of like

delegate the gift to someone, but it's actually more useful for the family. Someone says, low effective 6056 says, a beautiful picture frame that says, family is everything. And put a picture of mom and baby in it and a sack of condoms. Add a bumper sticker that says, I love my wife. Only half joking.

Get him a gift card to a baby store like Carter's or something. That's good. And then this person, I think, hasn't quite been in a scenario where perhaps there was real family drama. And I think perhaps should not be gifting to any sort of high tension family because this is- Was it a nudie calendar

it honestly that would have probably been way better because I mean that guy sounds he might have liked that yeah well that probably wouldn't have ended well that's true but here you go stranger sojourner no offense my friend it just seems like maybe you've had a healthier experience with people than than I maybe have. This might come across as rude, but it might be really helpful. You could get the marriage counseling. Perhaps you could prepay for a few sessions.

It might help him see the error of his ways and be a better father and husband. What he did is awful. Here's hoping he will have a change of heart." End of response. Yeah, not really your place. And imagine them opening that quote unquote gift in front of response. Yeah, not really your place. I didn't think that would go over well. No. And imagine them opening that quote unquote gift in front of everybody.

It's like, oh, and you're like, it's a voucher for marriage counseling. And she's like breastfeeding the baby. And it's like, seriously, are you fucking kidding? Like, I don't even know you. You're my neighbor's sister. Like, why are you giving me this? Like how, like, presumably this person doesn't eat,

like the neighbor doesn't even know that their neighbor's sister knows that the husband cheated. Right? So like in what plan, on what planet would it be? Like a normal thing to open a gift and be like, Oh, an associate that I've never really met bought me marriage counseling and said, I'll prepay for a few sessions. The rest is on you. Like we don't even know, like that, it's like the assumption is that like, he to see the error of his ways,

it's like we don't know anything other than the fact he cheated. Which like is terrible and enough for me to be like, that's a terrible thing to do. And by the way, if you have to pay for someone to see the error of their ways, you're not doing jack shit, they're just taking advantage of you.

Yeah. I can't. I mean, I do appreciate that person. They're trying their best, but. They want what's best. And hey, counseling is a great suggestion for people. Honestly, if someone gave me marriage counseling, well, first I'd go, who gave it to me?

Because that really. If it were from mom, I'd be like, that's what are you trying to say here? But also I'd be like, I mean, okay, if you're gonna pay for it, why not? I mean. Yeah. But also maybe they're already in marriage counseling. How the fuck do you know? You know, it's like not your place to say here, but also I'd be like, I mean, okay if you're gonna pay for it, why not? You know, I mean, yeah, but also like maybe they're already in marriage counseling. How the fuck do you know? You know, it's like not your place to say I will pay for marriage

And what do you do do like what dad used to do like a voucher you print out like a little and color it in markers like hey Once he gave me a voucher and it was tickets to go to the 2006 World Cup I know no vouchers the best gift, but it's always so personal. It's not meant for your sister's neighbor in a different state. Unless it's back robes. No. I'm just kidding.

That's a joke. Alexander, that is so much worse. You're, oh, you like cheating? How about back robes from me? Exactly, the wife's like, really? Fucking really? Maybe it would, it like, you know. Can you imagine being the cheating husband

and going on this trip with, or going wherever to this house, knowing everybody in the family, or just not even knowing, but wondering? That's even worse. Wondering if everyone knows. I mean, you'd find out immediately, probably, by the way people look at you.

I'm gonna be honest, you're putting your own, like, you're putting your own energy into this. I don gonna be honest. You're putting your own like, like you're putting your own energy into this. I don't think this man has, like many men I assume who do this have no shame and have no like what that said about seeing what he did wrong. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't think that way. That's why I think a voucher would change everything for him. What did the macros always say? Would a sign help? Would a sign help? I feel like maybe a sign would not help in this case for once probably not a sign is probably the last thing We need subtlety above all else. Mm-hmm

Pushing problems deep down also let this woman live man. Like she's got her own decision Let her be like let her figure her shit out support her Or don't because you're literally her neighbor's sister. Oh yeah, let someone else support her. Like just let her be, like leave her alone. But I like- No, no, no, I'm saying it's nice to bring gifts. I'm not saying don't give them a gift.

Yes, not the OP doing that, but we're talking about that one commenter. Maybe just like, let's not meddle in their marital affairs that deeply, you know. Even with the best of intentions. Yeah, we've tried that. As children of multiple divorces, we've tried that as children of multiple divorces We've tried meddling it. It doesn't end well even from within the family let alone from your neighbor's sister. So

Just just fun fact. Yeah, we're glad because we have many thoughts on this kind of we don't I have one and it's It's gone apparently. I wanted it. Left the building a long time ago. Anyway, thanks everybody for listening. That was my last one. Thank you, Avi. Thank you everybody else who sent them in.

I was really curious as to how people found them because they were so random, like my cousin's boyfriend's grandpa. Like I don't know. Did people search like for that? you know yeah because how did they find people what i would do i do like quote my cousin end quote and then like do that for like a bunch of different relationships like my neighbors my oh yeah you know i would probably take a lot of time so that's why it's nice to have people sending emails but yeah i have thoughts on how i do it but

i'm glad I didn't have to. This was fun to relax in your room. I'm glad I didn't have to either. If you want to send in reviews and do all our hard work for us some of the time, you can join Patreon and pay us to do it. Wait, that doesn't sound right. I know. It's a big con we're pulling and people are falling for it day by day. Day by day. But no, in all seriousness, we have a patreon. It's really fun We do video episodes there all ad free content audio and video and we do a monthly bonus episode and

That is I believe all oh and we have merch at Beach you sandy dot store nice. Thanks, And you can find us at Beach2Sandy on socials. Yeah. Check us out. Watch our videos because then you can see our face without paying. But just in case. You get a little taste. You get a little taste of what these faces have to offer.

Let us tease you on TikTok. Yeah. And only people watching videos can know what kind of shirt I'm wearing. It's really cool. Yeah. Oh, and mine too. Not to immediately jump on board. But yeah, look at this Yeah, yours was a Christmas gift too. So yours is new. Oh The bottom always makes it. Francisco got me a Sonic. I'm gonna say it but It's a Sonic the Hedgehog

Crossover with Topgolf like come on and I opened the package and it literally said Sonic and Topgolf and I was like, is this a mistake? It's almost like your brain can't compute. And I opened it, the shirt, and I was like, oh my God, it is Sonic the Hedgehog. How did you even discover that? Like, that's amazing. I have no idea, but it's incredible. Mine says Grandpa's Cheese Barn,

and that's because I went to Grandpa's Cheese Barn. Yeah. And then I got way too drunk and threw up that night, so it was not, at a wedding, during the Maynard Varners. Oh, I thought you meant have had grandpa's cheese bar No, it must be a cheese and wine barn No, it was just I made my own cheese and wise wine barn by bringing cheese to The wine and then I threw up got it. You know, it's a worse part

There's a worse part. Yeah, I don't know why I'm saying this. I shouldn't say this Say it. It was a podcaster's wedding. And you know what else? You weren't supposed to tell people about my wedding. And I went during the maid of honor speech. I mean, I went and I puked during the maid of honor speech. And then you know what the worst part was?

It gets worse. Were you just sitting at your table when you did that or did you like go to the bathroom? Thank God I made it to, well, I almost, I made it to the bathroom and then guess who had to come check on me? The fucking maid of honor. I was so embarrassed.

I was so embarrassed. I was like, I miss your whole speech. She's like, that's okay. And then I came back and Blaise said, that was one of the best speeches I ever heard. And I went, you guys are, I'm gonna, I've done this to myself. I have no one to blame but myself.

I know that. Is that why he married that maid of honor You should have he should have when he got the chance quite frankly, that's who Leon was talking about when she said my dad's girlfriend My dad's girlfriend's pitbull Anyway, I would I will leave that to To the sleuths out there to figure out if they can figure out whose wedding that was. It was a great wedding. I sobered up with a coffee, with three coffees actually,

and then Blaze and I stayed up all night and watched TV because I drank the coffee. I was gonna say, how did you sleep? I literally stopped. Well, what happened was I just discovered weed gummies, so I ate a bunch of cheese. Then I was like, look Blaze, weed gummies, and I took a lot, and then I drank a lot of wine,

and then the wedding started. And I threw up. It was really bad. I was too old for that. Like, I was too old. I should not be behaving this way anymore. Why am I saying this? All right, I'm gonna hang up now.

This is wild. I can't stop myself. No, I'm glad we got to the bottom of all this. It's about time we get to the bottom of one of my many neuroses. That was good. We'll have a new story next week for you about us throwing up or something probably. I can't wait to see you then. All right we'll see you then. Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet is a Forever Dogg production hosted and produced by Zandy and Christine Schieffer. Cover art by Courtney Aventura, theme music by

Mavis White, executive produced by Zoe Applebaum. Forever Dog Productions is Joe Cilio, Alex Ramsey, and Brett Boehme.