Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 6: Pet Stores in Salt Lake City, UT

Episode Date: January 2, 2019

Lost the instruction manual for your new pet bird? You’ve come to the right place! This week we read pet store reviews in Salt Lake City before trailBLAZing down an uncomfortable path of sci-fi erotic fiction…kindle edition. Tune in for bad snake advice, gladiator music and, as always, plenty of disgruntled customers.  Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast. But I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello. Hi everyone! Welcome back to Beach, Tea, Sandy, Water, Too Wet, the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I'm Christine. And I'm Alex. Welcome to episode six. We did it! We did it. We're gonna say that every time. Lucky number six. Yeah. Okay, good. So we've got our Henry's Hard Sparkling Seltzer here.

Please sponsor us. Please. That would be great. Can you imagine? I can imagine. It would be a dream come true. And five stars all around for Henry's. And we are going to jump right in, I guess.

Yeah. This week's theme is pet shops in Salt Lake City, Utah. Correct. And the challenge that I was given. It was the best one yet. Thank you, Allie. Indeed. Courtesy of Allie was to find a, who's Alexander's girlfriend, by the way to find a uh review of a an erotic novel that featured a character

named blaze aka my husband and blaze could spell could be spelled either the way that my husband spells it which is b-l-a-i-s-e or the cool way or the cool motorcycle firefighter way b-l-a-z-e so um was that your fantasy for him that's off the top of my head you know just i don't know motorcycle you know firefighter you know consciously it's fine um so that is going to come up later in the show and boy do i have some good quality family friendly content i am so excited i am so excited i actually forgot to to mark the last episode as explicit right away, and then I fixed it, but this time I definitely won't forget. Yeah, maybe not. Maybe don't. We're drinking, we're swearing, we're reading erotic fiction.

We're crazy. We're crazy, kids. Okay, now let's get into it and read us your pet store review. Read us your pet store review. Okay, so this actually was, like, I came up with this thinking it would be rife with funny anecdotes and silly people trying to buy crickets. But unfortunately, it was very sad. It was so sad. It was tragic. Like, I was, I got so depressed reading these for hours.

Like, you know, pets with, or pet stores with unsafe conditions for the animals, like sick animals that are not care of so many dead animals it was really it was really really awful horrible and they were like puppy mills i actually left my own one star review probably for the first time ever you did of a puppy mill because i was reading through and it was the most upsetting thing i didn't write a review but i just hit one yeah well good but don't you guys just side note please don't buy from a pet store buy from a shelter or not adopt from a shelter or adopt from a shelter. Don't buy an animal. Unless it's like a lizard. I don't think you can adopt those.

I don't know. Okay, last week's PSA was for the Amish. Yes. This week is for the animals. Don't be rude to the Amish. And also, don't buy from puppy mills. Okay. So this is a review.

I actually have two short ones. Is that okay? I'll allow it okay okay thank you so this is a review of uh ronies for the love of birds shop i knew you'd go to something like that that's your kind of store that's immediately what i search for birds reptiles you just typed in no you just didn't love birds that's actually saved on my bookmarks love birds okay so this is a review from atar it is a one star review ronnie is really rude i just asked her about linny's which by the way i assume is some type of type of bird i think oh okay like i thought i thought it was like a possessive,

like a bird named Linny. No, I think it's a type of bird. Okay. I just asked her about Linny's and she said, stop calling us because you can't understand. That was really rude.

I would prefer Wendy. She is really nice and will answer your questions. This place is very kind to their birds, not to their customers. Instead of Ronnie's love of birds, it should be called Ronnie's hate of customers. answer your questions this place is very kind to their birds not to their customers instead of ronnie's love of birds it should be called ronnie's hate of customers oh my god and then there was a series of angry down down thumb emojis oh and that's it yep that's it oh stop calling us because

you just can't understand that's my favorite um The whole thing that I wrote was one sentence. I just punctuated it for everyone's sanity. For their ears, yeah. And now this, I have one more of a place called Pets and Such, and actually Blaze found this one for me. I did see that place. Yeah, they had a lot of reviews. Blaze found this review for me, actually, and sent it,

screenshotted it. He could tell how depressed I was reading all these reviews so he tried to help me about reading the reviews about firemen named boys that weren't him yeah that's what he was sneakily doing reading over my shoulder this is from Daryl

very unhappy bought a corn snake from them they put it in a where did they put it? Can I guess? Yeah. A paper bag. They put it in a very flimsy cardboard box.

Close. Okay. They put it in a very flimsy box to take it home. Being new to snakes, I trusted them and thought they knew what they were doing. My mistake. It escaped. Oh, no. End of review no that's it yeah so now there's a corn snake running i don't know what that is i it's running for sure with all its little feet yeah i just say running loose so messed up he's like i never had a snake before

they put it in a box and it escaped it's just very sad all these reviews were upsetting in some way yeah i i feel like that's the theme though of of these reviews were upsetting in some way. Yeah. I feel like that's the theme though, of all these reviews that I've read. It was, yeah, I trusted them. Turns out I should not have trusted them because they said that this animal was healthy and it wasn't. And it killed all my other animals. It was so sad. It had cat leukemia. And I was like, what? Yeah. The fact that I had to read that multiple times today made me very, very sad. Yeah. It's, was a a rough one thanks for subjecting us to this i'm sorry and i ally was like oh did dog center come up with that

and i was like no that was me oof yeah that's how you know it's bad is when she thinks i came up with it to my mistakes oh or that okay so that was my pet store review. So what do you have for us? I have one from Immortal K. Okay. That was the name they went by. Love it. And it was a review of Petco. One of many. Oh, classic.

This was actually this person specifically reviewed multiple Petco. No way. This was the only one in Utah, though. The others were in California. But they get around all the different Petco's, I think, in Colorado, too. He's like in a caravan. Yeah his uh his wisdom to the Petco's yes I hate coming here they have stupid nerds working here and they don't know anything I'm sorry I just inhaled that I know it was Henry's in the wrong throat. It was not so great. Anyone who uses nerds as an insult, like, within the past five years.

Is, like, stuck in 1992. Mm-hmm. Every time I've asked a question, they can't answer it. Or they give me a vague, generic answer. Who hired these people? They should get fired. The aquatic section is the worst I've seen out of all the 20 locations I've been to. The 20 locations?

There you go go he's a aficionado aficionado did you do that on purpose i want to say yes fuck that was good i want to say yes my eyes are glowing no with pride yeah okay let's cut it so that it sounded like i did it on purpose aficionionado. That's amazing. How do you stay open? Oh, yeah. It's your expensive prices. Sorry, I just spit everywhere.

You like this one. Okay. He thinks he's really clever. That's what makes me laugh. Oh, my God. Yeah. Don't come here. In fact, they should shut this place down for good.

End of review. Oh, my God. They have a bunch of what is it about the nerds yeah they have stupid nerds working here stupid nerds i love this guy but this guy there's so many like that where he'd review and then like judge people based on their age he'd like i have actually another review that i prepared from him because this guy was something special good uh this was of go green auto Oh, not even a pet co-op. No, no, no.

I know. It's a little out there, but it's the same guy. Okay, let's do it. In Sherman Oaks. Oh, near us. Yep. I wish Zero Stars was an option. Of course he says that.

Want a car wash done by felons? Yes. Oh, then does Immortal K have the place for you? Go green. Topanga, of all places. These cons are all tatted, pants sagging, unprofessional, lazy thieves. What an asshole. No, this guy's crazy.

This is not the only review like this. This is crossing many lines. This is not, yeah. Their quality of the work is horrible. I was not pleased with how my car came out. Windows had streaks. My dash was never wiped down. The guy who washed my car stunk like liquor and was rude. Someone should hire all new staff. End of review. He's just going to fire everyone in every store. Were all the Petco reviews one stars?

No, there were a couple five stars. Really? Yeah. At first I checked because I thought he had like some sort of agenda. And like half of his reviews were five star, half were one star. I think he has an agenda. It's just not really clear to anyone what it is. I'll delve into his reviews a little deeper next time. And I'll come up with some theories about Immortal K. I'm going to call him aficionado though.

Yeah, now we have the Baron of Cream and the aficionado though um yeah now we have the baron of cream and the aficionado yeah um oh my god that was really upsetting and weird you know what the worst part about immortal k was what his profile picture oh it was the cutest puppy no the cutest puppy and i bet he's going to the petcos for that cute puppy and that cute puppy has to deal with someone like that i mean but hopefully he takes he cares about the puppy i feel like he doesn't like humans on his yeah his yelp review profile has a picture of the puppy so i feel like he's traveling to many many petcos so like at least he's providing in some sense yes he's vetting them oh my god he's vetting them oh my we're on it on it, but not intentionally.

No. Wow, that was pretty good. That was pretty good. All those nerds, stupid nerds. So he doesn't like nerds and he doesn't like ex-cons. Yeah, except, and that was the thing about that, is he didn't say that anyone actually stole from him. Well, and also, who said they were ex-convicts?

Nobody said that. Exactly. Except him. Well, sure. Yeah. Okay, so. Unless he asked. who said they were ex-convicts like nobody said that exactly except him well sure yeah okay so unless he asked he was like excuse me um do you have a criminal record have you thieved okay all right i guess settled here is it time it's time for the challenge i'm so excited i was definitely in public when i started researching this and it didn't occur to me that until later that the book covers were glaringly uh erotic um but i had a good time and i'm sure everyone around me in public also did uh the first how many did you order um i'm gonna wait for the uh post christmas

sale okay good call. But the Kindle editions are usually free. Oh, but do those have the picture, like the cover? I guess now Kindles are more high-tech than when I had one. I mean, I couldn't cut the covers off and paste them on my wall if I want to, so we'll see. Yeah, Blaze will like that. Blaze will love that. It'd give him some motivation for what he needs to be.

It'd be meaning to redecorate. So here's the first thing I learned is that there is a very prolific author named Blaze Quinn. Please tell me Blaze Quinn names all of their characters Blaze. No. So none of the characters were named Blaze, which is why I had a little bit of a hiccup because all these crazy awesome books came up and I couldn't use any of them because there were no characters named Blaze, which is why I had a little bit of a hiccup because all these crazy awesome books came up and I couldn't use any of them because there were no characters named Blaze. But then I did, I narrowed down my search to fantasy romance and that's where I really

struggled. Yes. So here's the thing. I have two reviews for you today. Perfect. Because I found a great one for Blaze BLA ISE, and I also found a great one for BLAZ. Oh, interesting. Yeah, so I went two directions.

One is actually Blaze, and the other is who you want Blaze to be. Right, is the alter ego in my subconscious. Got it. Okay. Oh, I can't wait for this. First, I'll go with Blaze, like, the way he spells it. This is a book. It's by Alice Coldbreath.

That's a real name? No, no, no. None of these people are real names. They're erotic fiction, mysterious. If I wrote erotic fiction, I'd own it. I'd just... Plaster your face all over those. Oh, yeah.

Okay, this book is called Blaze blaze doppelganger 3000 bbw hot and steamy sci-fi slash gladiator romance is that the title of the entire book is that all written on the cover there's more kindle edition oh yes that is the entire book title wow yes blaze doppelganger 3000 bbw hot and steamy sci-fi slash gladiator romance okay i'm glad you repeated it i needed it okay it's so i'm soaking it in i'm enjoying this i'm gonna give you a little background of what this book is just a little plot summary so you understand the review and also i want you to um hopefully can you find something that fits kind of this like music, like gladiator. Okay. Music.

Okay. Oh, yeah. Should be easy. Oh, yeah. I'll find the best music for this. The year is 2099. Blaze Kelvis is a battle scarred ex-slave, ex-gladiator who can't wait to leave Nova by Zan for the Outworlds, where he can escape the confines of the Republic

and start to build a future away from his troubled past. Before he boards a starship, he gets an outrageous proposal from Crispus Pomponius, owner of the notorious Pleasure Palace. Impersonate a top-of-the-range sex droid for his old master's daughter, Poppea Severanius, and make a small fortune to take with him? Blaze is torn. On one hand, he has a slow-burning anger in the pit of his stomach

that he would even consider being pimped out to another rich bitch. But there... Another? He was an ex-slave. Okay. But there is something else. The sweet memory of lush Poppaea, so plump and pretty with her huge violet eyes

suddenly he finds himself seriously giving it some thought popaya severanius has spent the last two years disbanding her father's old gladiatorial ludus freeing all his slaves and donating the family wealth to charity before she dedicates herself to chastity poverty and the service of others she has one last unquenchable desire to indulge her ultimate fantasy blaze oh my god so that's the book perfect so good okay so it's like well when you're saying gladiator i was like imagining like roman kind of thing and especially with the names too but then before he boards the starship is that the only like futuristic thing like it's in roman times like it's really everything's like in roman times they don't have the technology except there's a starship also there's sex droids oh there are sex droids how did i miss that so i guess i'm not spoiler alert spoiler alert i kind

of read a few of the reviews it looks like what happens is that, so she thinks she's sleeping with a sex droid and has feelings for him. Turns out the sex droid is not a sex droid. It's actually Blaze. Because like, I guess sex droids, you can- What a twist. They can- Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me? I'm sorry I spoiled it. Wow. Here's a review. This is from Amazon customer. They couldn't put their name on it. Okay. Just like if I were an author, if I were reviewing these books, I'd own it.

I'd put a picture of my face in every review. Three out of five stars. Subject is, Blaze needed more story for me. It's like I read Playboy for the articles yeah exactly exactly i read i read erotic gladiator for the uh for the plot line for the denouement stop saying that that's not a thing so i can you tell me what that means i still don't know no i don't want to tell you okay i'm not gonna look it up uh So here's the thing. I cut out a lot of like long paragraphs where they're kind of complaining about like the plot and whatever.

So I, I kept the good stuff. Quote unquote, good stuff. Mm hmm. I'm not sure if I could have enjoyed Blaze at all if I hadn't read Miss Cold Breath's book, The Bastard Bridegroom. Same. Looking back, I see Blaze as a long-distance runner as far as a story goes. Characters like Blaze need a longer story to fully develop their character, to be able to see all their different

layers, and give them the chance to grow and come into a better version of themselves. Not like this, especially when there is going to be as much sex as there was here. Honestly, I like this. It just needed more room to grow to me, like putting a six foot man on a four and a half foot bed. What does that mean? I don't know. Okay, I really want to remember that and just going to start using that. It's the best metaphor I ever heard.

There was more that needed to be said and done than the confines of this story allowed. By the way, the story is a short story. Like it's labeled a short story. It's only a few pages long. Oh, it's a few pages? It's a short- So basically what you read was probably the entire story. Yeah.

It's not- It says 60 pages, but the font is like apparently ginormous so it's like maybe a 30 page story it's for like older people who can't see as well it's like a little geriatric romance uh did it up it was just a bit too rushed and what could have been so so much better i'll keep it by the way it's free so calm down calm the fuck. I'll keep it. By the way, it's free, so calm the fuck down. I'll keep it and look forward to rereading it again someday. But Blaze needed to grow or run, and we all needed more story to balance out all that sex.

We really did. We did. Yeah. Same. Wow. So that, I tell you, it was hard to pick just one of these. But thank you, Amazon customer. Thank you, Amazon customer. Our favorite. So now let me jump into Blaze version two. The more wild child version of Blaze, if you will.

This book is called Blaze, B-L-A-Z-E. Blaze, A Fireman Romance, Hard and Dirty, Book 4. No, Book 4! Yeah, most of these are like, most of these are in a series of at least 12 to 15. I'm sorry, I don't think we can listen to this, because I have not read 1 through 3 yet. They're on my list, but I just haven't gotten

there yet. I told you to hurry up and read those before this episode. Okay, fine, fine, fine. So this book is by Renee Rose. It got, like like actually a lot of great reviews so just wow okay it's a kindle edition and here's the description so there's not a description like this is what happens in the book there's just two points of view from two of the characters i just i don't know i'll read it this is the description of the book okay leah who's one of the characters here's what i know firemen are nicer than cops more predictable they have that same hero desire but it burns brighter they're not quite as power hungry or controlling except

for the captain they call him blaze it's like it's like in the office when Dwight pretends that he went to the dentist. He's like, yeah, his name is Crentus. He was born to be a dentist, basically, because his name was Crentus. It's like Blaze. Yep, that guy was born to be a firefighter. They call him Blaze, and he's got a streak of controlling cop, for sure. It's a trait that unfortunately... Wait, he's a cop?

I thought this was a firefighter, the captain. He is, he is. He's got a streak of controlling cop for a firefighter. Listen, this isn't about... What? Don't get stuck in the details. You've got to read one through three to understand. I will.

It's a trait that unfortunately makes my knees go weak in a boss. That's grammatically incorrect. Especially a beefy fire captain boss like Blaze. I'm uncomfortable now. Especially because I just made eye contact with you. I don't like that. Okay, then we switch to Blaze. Blaze.

Having smoking hot Leah Burke in my firehouse might be the death of me. I can't. What is she doing there? Do we know? Yeah, she's a firefighter. Oh, she's also a firefighter. Someone actually made a review like, I'm glad that she's a firefighter, not like a receptionist like every other.

Oh, yeah. So was that sexist that I asked? I just wasn't clear on that. No, I don't think it was ever specified because clearly he's the captain, but we never learned what her relation is. Yeah, okay. Having smoking hot Leah Burke in my firehouse might be the death of me. I can't stand the other guys ogling her. They are not exactly PC.

It's locker room talk around here 24-7.ah oh no leah i swear i'm going to have a sexual this is the sexiest description ever they use the words pc sexual harassment claim i swear i'm going to have a sexual harassment claim on my hands in less than a month and i'll probably be the guy who crosses the line first okay that was so inappropriate that was awful yeah that's like at first i was like oh god he just wants to make sure yeah wait a second yeah i actually thought that was kind of nice yeah but no mean, I don't read too much of this type of fiction, but if I had to guess something like PC and sexual harassment, like that's not what people talk about. So that was refreshing for me. It was refreshing. And until Blaze ruined it. Until Blaze is going to cross the line. Your dream Blaze, just pointing that out. Just saying.

Charlie Girl 1 rated this book 1 out of 5 stars. Oh, no. The subject is wrong in so many ways. Now, she had five reasons. And they were first, second, thirdly, fourthly, and fifthly. Okay. And those third through fifthly were just not. I was like, this is, I don't know what any of this is.

Just give me, yeah. Give me the one and the two. Cut that out. Perfect. This is a hard review for me to write because I usually like books by this author. But this story is just wrong in so many ways. Oh, by the way, that's the subject of this. Wrong in so many ways.

I think you said that. Oh, good. Now I'll say it again. First and foremost, the hero is the heroine's direct supervisor to be fair that is inappropriate second of all he started things with her at work inappropriate isn't this the point of the book yeah i don't know i don't really get like a fantasy thing yeah like literally the point of the this is not not realistic and lastly i find it disingenuous to think that something as serious as pyromania could be cured by spanking what what apparently i need to read this book that's a plot point i need to read this book is that

someone has pyromania it might be her i imagine it's her i bet she's lighting fires and she became a firefighter so she can in the end apparently spoiler alert sorry for book three is that she or book four is that um he spanks her and gets rid of her pyromania wow so there's that i don't know what to do with that information. Read it. I need to now. Are you kidding? I can't. We need another podcast.

Yeah. My dad wrote a porno, but we'll just read other people's. We read a porno on Amazon. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. Everyone wants to hear a brother and sister reading Amazon porn. Yeah, no.

Nobody wants that, including me. All right, guys. Well, we have our theme and our challenge for next week coming up. First, we're going to tell you where to find us. And then we're also going to read a review from one of our listeners. Right, right, right. That too. A five-star review.

Yes. Not a one-star. Not a one-star. All right. So you guys can find us online on Instagram and Twitter at Beach to Sandy on Facebook at Beach to Sandy water to wet. Our website is Beach to Sandy dot com and our email is Beach to Sandy at Gmail dot com. Send us an email with some suggestions.

Instagram message. Send us a forward anything like those we like forwards is that what you said yeah those four is where it's like you'll die in seven days if you don't or your crush will love you yeah and then the political ones that you get from your grandparents where they have little like dancing guys and bald eagles yep okay go on i've never seen those okay um so now i'm going to read a review from one of our listeners and this one is titled you have to listen to this podcast it's from gg davidson okay the baron and baroness of cream out here doing the most to keep us entertained first three episodes are amazing can't wait to hear more i just like that that was it that's adorable i'm the baroness yes i do i do

like that but i want to be what was it the fascist no excuse me in fact in fish what was that one aficionado fashion aficionado that's whoa okay careful okay i'll be the baron i like that a lot so yeah no thank you gg davidson feel free to leave us a five-star review on apple podcasts and maybe we'll read it we like we like this they're super fun thank you and you guys are so funny and clever so thank you yeah thanks guys all right so i will give you the theme for next week what is it all right why are you so because i really struggled with the last well that was your fault okay and the one that i okay okay okay okay okay your theme is bridal stores in Houston, Texas. Yes!

That's a good one, right? That's so good. Yeah, I thought that'd be fun. That's so, especially because I'm no longer planning a wedding. It's more fun than it would have been six months ago. Exactly, I figured that this will give you a bit of an edge. Yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's for sure.

And your challenge is, okay, I don't know if this is going to work. This is, I was inspired by searching for blaze in the books department and everything was about that show that nickelodeon show blaze in the i don't know i'm not familiar blaze in the monster machines i'm still not familiar okay well it's a kid's toy or kid's tv show on nickelodeon um so then I thought, well, what about a toy review written by an adult who like bought the toy for themselves? Oh, okay.

And I don't mean like a sex toy. I mean like a children's toy review. Okay, children's toy review. Where they genuinely bought it like to play with their house. Interesting. Okay. Is that too weird? I don't know.

No, I don't think so. I want to see what happens. Yeah. I'll just let the magic happen. My magic review finding skills. Cause I feel like a lot of it's going to be, I bought this for my nephew and the batteries weren't in it. Yeah. Yeah. So we'll see. Yes. Good. I like it. I like it. That could be fun. Good. Um, and then what was the challenge again? The theme is bridal stores in Houston, Texas. Houston, Houston. Got it. Okay, great. I'm so excited.

Yeah, me too. Okay. Awesome. Is that it? Yeah, that's it. We did it. Holy crap. That was a good one, though.

I still have half my Henry's left. I know. Thank you guys for listening. This was super fun. We are trying to get into a groove. I think it's working. We're loving the suggestions and things you guys send in. So thank you for that.

Definitely. I had some good conversations with some people, too. It's's been good it's been really fun really fun too so we're really enjoying this and we're excited to bring you a lot of a lot more fun content yeah all right guys thanks for listening thanks for listening everyone bye Bye.