Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 7: Bridal Shops in Houston, TX

Episode Date: January 9, 2019

Buckle up, folks, because things are about to get "unsettling." Tune in to hear bridal store reviews from angry brides-to-be in Houston...and their dolls. Meanwhile, Alex introduces a couple toy-loving adults and expresses his own desire for a talking bird robot. Thinking of giving us negative 5000 stars? Big mistake...HUGE!  Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White.  Music by Robinhood76, zagi2, qubodup, jgreer, PSOVOD and tyops.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello everybody and welcome back to Beach 2 Sandy Water 2 at the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. Hi. I memorized it. What's your name?

Oh, I'm Christine. Oh, hi. I'm Alex. What was the theme for this week so this week we are covering uh bridal salons or bridal stores bridal stores shops in uh the houston area and i gave you a review and i believe it or i'm sorry review i gave you i gave you a one-star review i gave you a challenge and it was to find a toy review written by an adult who had bought the toy for themselves that was an interesting one is that what i that was correct right that's well that's what i was going for and it was tough but we'll get to that oh i can't wait okay great who goes first then you do because i'll go first yeah yeah okay okay so this was my, I actually found two short reviews of the same place, though.

Oh, okay. So I thought that was okay. The name was Carmen's Bridal. Okay. And the first one-star review is from Isabel. Horrible experience. Bought a dress and paid to have matching dress on a doll for $15. Yeah, can we talk about that?

Was that an option when you were buying your wedding dress can we not talk about it's like the american girl doll where you can match your exactly oh no for your wedding and to be fair 15 i don't know that seems reasonable i guess i did buy geo a matching bow tie there you go i need to know what happens next. I'm already like buckled up for this ride. It's good. All caps. Cash only. Huge red flag. Daughter was running the store in the mom's absence.

Rude. Yelling and screaming at customers. They chopped the doll's hair. It looked horrible. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Did she bring the doll or did they provide the doll? I have no idea. What is doll? I have no idea. What is happening?

I have no idea. But it gets even stranger. Okay. Do not recommend this facility. Suspect tax evasion fraud. End of review. I think this person's on PCP. Something, right?

This is kind of how you were were though when when you were doing your wedding i'm gonna be honest i probably blacked out a majority of the year before my wedding because i was just so stressed so i who knows i may have snapped at some point um it sounds like this person has let wedding planning get the better of them isabel certainly snapped um and there's someone um who i couldn't pass this one up. What? This was reviewed... Keep in mind, this was one year ago.

Okay. So either presumably 2018, 2017. So the same person. No, it's a different person, but the same location. What? Horrible service. Ruined our wedding video. That's something i want to talk about apparently this place also does more than just wedding dresses they do a lot of things i didn't know that was

a thing including tax evasion but apparently this place is like a full service thank you yeah full service bridal spot. Recorded the wedding on VCR. 2018. Okay, I get it. Okay. Seriously, wait. The videographers were drinking at our wedding and failed to record in an acceptable quality. Oh no.

Then when we asked for our money back, she said, I'll give you your money back, but your wedding files and videos are mine and gone. Oh. Forced us to keep the product product i'm so mad and disappointed you would think that in this decade we would get high definition video but no she is stubborn and unprofessional look elsewhere for your wedding needs and now i need to buy a betamax isn't that insane what like that's a good point in this decade maybe in the past two decades if they're using if they're recording on VHS, that's a problem. There's a big problem. That's a problem.

There's a lot of problems here across the board. And I don't really understand the doll thing. And I'm still really hung up about it. Full service. Full service. It's one thing if you bring it to an alterations and you're like, make a dress for my doll. You know, I've watched TLC. I've seen weirder shit but they cut its hair and i don't know they make it sound like it's an option like as they're going through they're like

okay well we have our alteration service as well as the doll service and this person's like i'm all about that let me get my doll for my car bring it right in just please don't cut its hair give her a little trim yeah that's upsetting to me on many levels yeah i thought you'd enjoy that i hope i never have to plan a wedding again yeah let's hope for that you did a good job thank you did do a good job though thank you um i hope i at least kept my cool a little more than some of these people more than my people for sure let's see yours though okay so this is a review of a bridal salon called joan pillow which i guess is the name oh is it is that a person's name okay designer i'm not really sure i was like how do pillows factor into it's apparently a high-end uh bridal salon joan pillow bridal salon and lauren had something to say pros pretty

dresses cons horrendous customer service completely uninterested in helping me told me i could select three dresses in the store to start trying on excuse me what you have a store of 50 dresses and i can start by selecting three i have a job that prevents from coming any day but a weekend i made this appointment on a saturday i do not have the time or patience to screw around three dresses at a time what wait okay maybe they'll explain but what is the problem there i don't know i think i don't know like it's too many too few too too few two it is too few okay that's what the problem is but start with three it's not that's what i understood but that's not what lauren understood lauren does not understand furthermore I have an unlimited budget for my dress and I told her such.

I want to try on every single dress that remotely catches my eye and then buy the one I love. After I told her this in so many words, she agreed to a few more try-ons. How generous of her oh my god you are not better than anyone else you simply think you are i think he's talking to joan joan pillow joan miss pillow you are not better than everyone else you simply think you are well newsflash that's a winner you could do a lot more business if you were just polite this is houston not paris get over yourself wow and besides you all work on commission right big mistake huge oh i saw too many pretty woman really references when i was going through really too many that's so sad yeah but people someone said they made me feel like julia robbers in pretty women i'm like that's not right

no comment no comment okay that one just like struck me as so upsetting i'm like yeah that's just it almost feels like I don't know no there's literally no explaining it um and there were a lot there was one that I almost read I made blaze pick because there were three that I was going through trying to narrow down and there was one just well the first the best line I had from any was the first line which doesn't suck when you get like a great first line of a review and then you read the rest it's so boring yeah the best line I found was it's forcing me to leave a star idky but I give it negative five thousand people always come up with new ways to say how they wouldn't want to leave one star reviews like they want to do worse I always think that you we've seen them all in them they're a new one negative five thousand yeah so this is just a big capitalized paragraph

and the number if you search i'm gonna see how many times when i hit ctrl f uh for blood yeah one two three four five six turned her laptop to me and all i saw was bloody dress in all caps and then a huge paragraph after that that was just all caps bloody dress apparently in this review they say blood six times in all capital letters I guess she ended up getting married in a dress that had blood on the tool of her skirt but there's really no explanation for why can you tell me what a tool is again look in the mirror say again um it's like the fluffy stuff underneath the dress like the layers of course um so yeah i guess uh it was in perfect condition but then when she picked it up it was covered in blood oh my i don't know and there's no explanation so that one was a little bit that one is a little too like horror-esque for me so i went with the the angry lady oh my god anyway so that's so gross there

was like a lot of exclamation points in most of these yes right and there are some that i read and i'm like i cannot i had to stop just because there's too long oh they were people went off it was like oh i bought it in april and waited for alterations and called eight times and it was stressing me out honestly i read the word saga like 10 times like this saga just never ends it was like flashbacks for to wedding planning um yeah it was yeah no more bride i'm sorry i put you through that yeah i don't want to look at it anymore all right so wow okay so we're already to the challenge. Oh yeah. This one was a doozy. I had to find a toy review where an adult had bought the toy for themselves. Okay. It was a little tough. So I kind of separated it into parts. The first review I'm going to read here is

of a toothbrush, But I thought it was kind of like a toy because it's a Star Wars lightsaber soft toothbrush for kids. Okay, that counts. It makes noise. It lights up. It looks like a lightsaber. And this is a three star review.

But in parentheses, would not recommend. Alright. On the Target website from Darth Mom. So this mom knows her Star Wars. Here we go. Awesome toothbrush, but be careful brushing. Yes, I'm an adult writing a review on a toothbrush I bought for myself. They didn't have these cool things when I was growing up.

Oh, no. So I jumped all over this. I tore my upper frenulum about two weeks ago and stabbed my gums tonight. What? Oh God. I know. No. That's gross.

Ow. I wounded myself as the lightsaber effect played. The hard plastic just doesn't seem like the best idea. It's like jamming a miniature hairbrush into your mouth. No. Cool, but dangerous. Maybe you have to be 10 to operate it. End of review.

So, yeah. I just love that this person is a mom. Can you imagine if your mom was, like, brushing with a Star Wars thing? Yep. I, yeah. And then stabbed herself in the mouth? Yeah, just, like, bleeding everywhere in the bathroom with her Star Wars toothbrush. What do you mean to operate it?

You don't operate it. It's a toothbrush. I don't know. I'm really upset by that. We have to buy it and test it for ourselves. It's only six bucks. Everything about these today is like unsettling me. I don't know why.

Well, the word frenulum and when it's combined with the word tear. Ugh. Not too good. Sickening. Yeah, but I was struggling. Well, the word frenulum and when it's combined with the word tear. Oh. Not too good. Sickening. Yeah, but I was struggling and I had found that. And I was like, that's not really a toy. It's kind of a toy. And Allie texted me.

Oh, boy. And you know that's always a good thing because she reminded me of Hatchimals. Oh, my God. The Hatchimal craze. Oh, my God. I forgot about those. Mmimals. Oh, my God. The Hatchimal craze. Oh, my God. I forgot about those. Mm-hmm. Oh, shit.

And so I went through a lot of those reviews, but a lot of them were... Can you remind people what those were? Oh, yeah. Well, I never had one myself, but they're these toys, and I think they come in different sizes, but they're eggs, and you rub the egg, and then it literally hatches. I mean, it comes apart apart and there's a little creature inside and some are rarer than others and they're collectibles and okay i don't think i really understood what they were before now i just remember the craze of them well talk about

unsettling watch watch the video of the big one cracking open it's oh ew do they come in different sizes it like pecks itself out oh that's what i saw at least unsettling this is really but i did it's weird dark i did um find there were a lot of people parents who are like oh i bought this for my kid i wish i kept it for myself this is kind of cool i should buy one for myself but not too many people were saying like, oh, I did buy this and... Exclusively for myself. Exactly. My use only. My children could only watch, not touch. Exactly.

But I'm going to read one of those reviews right now. Well, it's a negative one, actually, but here we go. This is a review from Hello Kitty. And it was written on Christmas Day, 2018. Of course it is. Okay. Oh, this is a review from hello kitty and it was written on christmas day of course 2018 okay oh this is recent didn't hatch literally rubbed for over one hour and 15 minutes parentheses by adult an adult an adult rubbed this thing for an hour and 15 minutes an adult an adult rubbed this thing for an hour and 15 minutes toddler was bored and quit caring about egg after 20 minutes of holding slash rubbing we'll be calling company tomorrow well i've got to wait till the end of the um christmas no no that was it i'm saying

gotta wait till after christmas to call in but yeah um what the fuck yeah so it was rubbed by adult for okay yeah so it's that was one where they bought it for a toddler but used it themselves where i didn't know that these things still existed i still don't really understand them but these are ones that like talked and people thought they were saying like boobs or something i kind of hope i have no idea there was like a toy that all these adults were freaking out that it was saying like

inappropriate stuff. That could be because this thing was just like all sorts of all over the place. I think that some of them do talk and like you can train them

to say certain words. That's what it was. They were like saying boobs or something and people were freaking out and it turned out like their kids were teaching it to say that or

I don't know. We need a po box so people can just send us hatchimals we absolutely do not absolutely do not send them somewhere come on guys rubbed by adult for one hour it's disgusting but i also found a an article by this guy paul tamburo titled i'm a grown adult but I kind of want a Hatchimal. So do you, Alcina, so don't even judge. Okay, I'm not judging. No, listen to this, though.

Listen to his very, this is just a paragraph from his article. Priced at around 60 bucks, I understand that as an adult man, it would be fiscally irresponsible for me to purchase a Hatchimal. But damn it, I just can't stop thinking about how much better my life would be if I could talk to an artificially intelligent bird thing that breaks its way out of a plastic egg. My two dogs look primitive by comparison. Stupid dogs and their stupid sentience. I want a robot pet that doesn't need feeding and that doesn't try to amputate the postman's arm from his torso every time he pushes a letter through the letterbox. Who is this? Some guy who wrote an article about how he wants a hatchimal. An article?

Yeah, that's just part of it. This is a journalist? Yes. Oh, yay, yay. It was like during the whole hatchimal craze. And that's the end of my hatchimal tangent. Well, I think we went a lot of fun ways there and by fun i mean terrible i'm excited to get one for myself from a listener no i was gonna stop it find me stop it right now okay um so what is the so what's the next thing we do you give your we give the spiel and then we say the challenge in that thing okay so i'm going to tell everyone where they can find us on social media and then we're going to read a review from a listener five star review and then we're going to reveal the theme and the challenge for next week okay you can find

us on instagram and twitter at beach to sandy our. Our Facebook is Beach2SandyWater2Wet. Our website is Beach2Sandy.com and our email is Beach2Sandy at gmail.com Now I'm going to read a five star review from a listener. I forgot about this.

I just said I was going to do that. Oh, I stopped listening for a while. I was thinking about Hatchimals. Okay, this one is a doozy. This is... I challenge anyone to top this one. You just said doozy, so I'm expecting a lot. Yeah.

I use doozy very infrequently. Well, that's a lie, but... Okay, this... Just read it. You're not wrong. This is from J. Dollar Sign. Okay. Well, well, well.

L's and G's, B's and G's. They said it wouldn't happen, but alas, it has. The siblings' Schieffer ride again. We have Alex, the bad boy of podcasting, Schieffer. Get out of here. And Christine, don't step to me, Schieffer. What? Before I get into my review proper, let me give you some background on me.

Ahem. I am a simple man, not overly sophisticated, nor would I consider myself what the kids these days call basic. But if God above has granted me one gift and only one gift, it is this. I know what the people want. Because of this, my recommendation is quite literally gold. My rec has launched Fortune 500 companies. When I rec something, it becomes elevated from an opinion to quite literally a fact. My rec is absolute. No one, and I mean no one, has ever told me that my wreck was off. When I wreck, I wreck hard.

The process of wrecking is so taxing on my very being that I must hibernate for seven weeks. A pupation of sorts. So I can once again emerge as a beautiful recommending butterfly. I'm scared of this person. So without any more preamble, let us give the people what they want.

I hereby give Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet my official rec. The hosts converse pleasantly, and I find their voices inoffensive. Alexander has a conversational dexterity of an Olympic fencer, while Christine navigates the podcast game like a Komodo dragon, the most dangerous of predators. I'm just not even going to question it. Don't let her whimsical nature fool you. This podcaster sniffs out BS where she senses it and has a genuine taste for good conversation,

much like a Komodo dragon flicking its tongue for navigational purposes. When these two are brought together in one podcast studio, we are treated to a beautiful combination of grace versus danger slash poise versus perception. And last but not least, rather pleasant conversation. I quite enjoy the content so far. See you in seven weeks. J. Dollar Sign. I'm scared.

Don't be. J's amazing. This sounds terrifying. No, no, no, no. It was beautiful. Who is this person? I Don't be. Jay's amazing. This sounds terrifying. No, no, no, no. It was beautiful. Who is this person? I don't know. I don't know. They won't hear this episode because they're in hibernation for the next seven weeks, though. They called me a Komodo dragon.

That's kind of cool. Is it? Yeah, I'm a fencer, which is a little less cool. I mean, I really appreciate it, Jay. Don't get me wrong. But if a fencer took on a Komodo dragon, it would not end well for a fencer, which is a little less cool. I mean, I really appreciate it, Jay. Don't get me wrong. But if a fencer took on a Komodo dragon, it would not end well for the fencer. So you should be, you should take it as a compliment. Listen, I'm going to take it.

I'm going to take it. I'm not going to question it. It was beautiful. Thank you so much, Jay. And for anyone who's still listening, you can leave us a review on apple podcasts and we might read it but i don't know it's it has to be nice though we don't want to read mean ones no yeah well i'm only reading five star ones and ones like that that was pretty good i mean there are also a lot of nice ones but i mean that spoke to me that spoke to me in one way or another.

A doozy indeed. Okay, Jay, don't listen to her. Thank you, Jay. Listen to me. I love you, Jay. Okay. Is this like your friend? I don't know who this is.

I swear. Okay. Thank you, Jay. That was very kind of you. Thank you, Jay. Very kind and weird of you. Okay. So what's my, sorry, what's the theme for next week okay so the theme for next week is

blaze said he wanted them both to start with d so it's dentists in denver i like it okay that was actually blaze's suggestion it sounds like a blaze suggestion i feel like blaze and ally just like want to be a part of this yeah but they're not well how you are they're an ancillary part you know what maybe we'll let them rub our hatchimals for a few minutes you mean the hatchimals that the listeners are gonna give me no please no well i'm gonna give you your challenge now okay your challenge is a review of a ouija board from someone who had no idea what they were doing. Ah, yes. Oh, my God.

That's so good. Yeah. So someone who just has no business using a Ouija board. Writing that down. I have to talk to Em. Yeah. You guys work together. Maybe I'll write a review.

There you go. You do not know what you're doing when you use one. That is for sure. We've used way too many in our lifetimes. I've made Alexander use them a few times. Yeah. I'm still not okay. No. no all right thank you guys so much for listening this was really weird and really fun and i think i might have nightmares beautiful yeah thank you everyone for listening come back next wednesday yeah come back and feel free to email us message us do whatever write us a j dollar sign

review we'd really appreciate it bye