Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 9: Waffle Houses in Atlanta, GA

Episode Date: January 23, 2019

What's the difference between Waffle House and your friendly neighborhood orgy? According to this week's reviews, possibly nothing. Whichever one you're going to, be sure to watch out for pink eye! "SIGNED ALEX AND CHRISTINE!" Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White.  Music by jgreer, PSOVOD and tyops.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello everybody and welcome to Beach 2 Sandy Water 2 at the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I'm Christine. I'm Alex. And as you can tell by the intro, we are very eloquent when we read those reviews.

tell by the intro we are very eloquent when we read those reviews um so this week's theme was waffle houses waffle homes waffle homes you make a waffle at home yeah i like that waffle homes in atlanta georgia yes and your challenge was something that I forget? I had to find, it was so long ago. Oh, I know, the zoo dinosaurs. A review of a zoo that mentioned dinosaurs. Okay, was that really hard? No, and I'll explain why later. Well, okay, it was kind of hard to find a good one, but... There were a lot.

A lot. Was there dino exhibits at zoos? Exactly. That was kind of annoying sorry but yes i didn't think about that one that's okay but the waffle houses one i would say was incredibly easy and amazing i don't know about you that was really easy it was so crazy you texted me can we get can we uh record when i get home and i was like uh shit what was our theme and i like he said in 15 minutes and i just like pulled up yelp and within five minutes i had two ready to

go yeah i had i had multiple and i had to sift through them and i think i found two winners okay good so let's get into this um i found two losers. Am I right? You're so right. Okay. You go first because you have the... No, I go first. Wait. I go first. You go first.

Okay. So this is a one-star review from Maya. And this, in a way, is a challenge for you. What? I want you to figure out what is going on here. Oh, you know I can't really do that. It's a one-run-on sentence. Okay.

Until I say dot dot dot. Okay. Okay. Okay. Got it. I'm ready. Should I hold my breath the whole time? No, absolutely not.

You will not make it through this episode. This Waffle House on Fulton Industrial was terrible. They had a security guard there. I was just paying customer. I went to the restroom. I was in there for about one minute and somebody literally banged on the door while I did my business. And I came out and I explained to the security guard how someone banged on the door. He also had came to the door after it had

been gone. Well, he's telling me I cannot come back in there, bring my food outside to me. And I said, you know, I'm coming in. I have to put condiments on my food. And he put his hands on me, not once, not twice, but three times. I informed him he was in violation of my constitutional right. Please do not put his hands on me any longer. And he can sell this one is a little dope boys and ask him, why is she not listening to me? I said, oh, what is he your boss man? Do you report to him or something? Well, anyways, he threatened not listening to me? I said, oh, what is he, your boss man? Do you report to him or something? Well, anyways, he threatened to call the police.

I said, that's fine if you call the police. I don't mind because I work very close with the police, and I'm very close. I'm sure, Maya, that you work very close with the police. I'm glad you interrupted. I needed a breath there. Oh, my goodness. We're like halfway through. I hope you're not a police transcriber

because that would probably not be the right job for you okay hold on okay hold on where was i i said that's fine if you call the police i don't mind because i work very close with the police and i'm very close and speak to the police and talk to them very often so i don't bet she calls on a fucking daily basis is probably what happens every time someone rings her doorbell so i don't mind if you call the police it's not like they're going to take me to jail or anything but aside from that i had to actually brush by him to get my food and put the condiments on my food where he proceeded to call the police while i did that then they forgot to give me my drink and i said i needed to my drink before i left they gave me my drink but i felt like they were very rude to me and I did not enjoy my experience whatsoever. The

security guard was extremely and he was clicking up and making friends with the dope boys. And I also asked him for his name and the company he worked for and he would not give it to me. So dot dot dot looks like I'm going to have to call their corporate office on this one. End of review. I would pay such good money to hear that phone conversation. I know. Like, I have a headache. They would need to, hopefully they do record their call so they can just play it through and try to figure it out because that was wild. I, that was a roller coaster and a roller coaster that might not have been going up and down because I don't know what was going on. It was just going. That was just crashing it into the ground very quickly. I don't know what was going on. It was just going. A roller coaster that was just crashing into the ground very quickly.

I don't know what happened. It seemed like it all started when she did her business. Yeah, she did her business and then they knocked on the door and she didn't like that. And the security guard, she got into a fight with the security guard because she told him that someone banged on the door while she was doing her business. Yeah, but also you have to understand she wanted to put condiments on her food. Yes. Right. So they just asked her to leave she wanted to put condiments on her food. Yes. Right. So they just asked her to leave. I mean, that's her constitutional right.

I'm pretty sure she said that. I'm like almost positive that's what she said. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Thank you, Maya, for that train wreck. Thank you, Maya. I hope you got your condiments.

Well, actually she did, didn't she? I don't know. I like that the police are called and she's waiting for her Diet Coke inside. Like, I'm not leaving until I get it. And then it's like, well, they gave me my drink, but they were rude about it. Yeah, because you are being arrested currently. I have another winner, another run on sentence. This whole thing is one sentence.

Except for the last two words, which are winners. So here's a five star review from Douglas. Okay. All words are. Five star. Sorry. Definitely not. Oh, my eyes glistened.

I know. No, no, no. Okay. One star from Douglas. All caps except for the first word because he must have just forgotten. I'm going to not scream this because it's literally a giant one on run on sentence just picture in your mind's eye yes capital letters please absolute worst experience at a waffle house in my life as breakfast go club music blasting

servers dancing around feeling touching on each other something i didn't order with my meal sat at the counter which i had to ask to clean all that being said the cook did her thing food was good i work as a chef for over 30 years so i know service if i had my way i would terminate that whole crew except the cook very professional the way she did her thing signed douglas it says not it does not it does say signed douglas comma just signed douglas exclamation point exclamation point yes capital cap no all caps i'm telling you everything all caps including that douglas i love you and throughout the whole thing it was just commas no periods except for right before signed douglas i do like that he

knows how to use a comma no he doesn't oh i thought you said commas but no period oh yes commas but that doesn't mean he used many of them oh he just doesn't know how to what i meant by use i use that very liberally i meant he knows how to click it on the keyboard oh yes yeah he's he's hit that key before many times wow okay people it sounded like he was in a, like an orgy. Yeah. See, that's another, see, I thought it was just so funny that he did sign Douglas, but then what kind of Waffle House did he go to? I actually saw a review that was similar. That was like, they were dancing on each other and stuff. I don't know. Maybe this happens at Waffle House. That's, we've been, okay. We've been to many Waffle Homes, Waffle waffle homes. At least I have.

And I've never experienced that. And I always have wished for that. Okay, I mean... Atlanta's a place to go to Waffle House. I don't think I've been to one in Atlanta. Please bookmark Douglas' account. Yes. Please, because I'm sure there's some gems in there.

That's a good call. Please do that. Okay, we'll do. Next week, I want to hear Douglas' review. Okay, just a Douglas episode. That's my challenge for you. Good. That's my challenge for you for the rest of the show.

Just Douglas reviews. The rest of the existence of the show. Good. Okay, my turn? It's your turn. Let's see what you got for Waffle House, Holmes. Okay, so this is a review, a one-star review from Lee. It's about the Waffle House on Beaufort.

a one-star review from Lee. It's about the Waffle House on Buford. Do not, capital D, capital N, do not misunderstand. I love the Waffle House so much I have a WH tattoo. No!

Please tell me you found a picture. There was no proof. I believe them anyway. It adds to it. By the end of this review, you'll definitely believe this person. Okay. So if I have ever been offended by the hand that feeds me,

it's bad. This is bad. If you can screw up two eggs over medium hash brown scattered well and dry toast, you fail, period. The last trip to search for a breakfast spot not teeming with saturday's night newly awakened crusty hung overcrowd resulted in stopping at the waffle on buford highway miss what what can we go a little slower the last not that i did on mine but the last trip to search for a

breakfast spot not teeming with saturday's i think you meant saturday night's newly awakened crusty hungover crowd resulted in stopping at the waffle on buford highway mistake number one we sat quickly at a table displaying the last patron's leftovers then greeted by the most pissed off waitress ever she was trying bless her heart but the cook kept flinging threats what where okay okay the cook kept flinging it's like the slash the the hash singing slasher but the cook kept flinging threats and insults over the den i think they meant din din oh it's what i believe they're trying too hard for this the girl couldn't hear our order for mr mouthy on the grill the place was filthy and the food was beyond gross i didn't even finish my eggs and I never got my hash browns.

If I had asked, the cook would surely have lost his flippin' mind. The waffle is like Mecca for me. This was one of the worst experiences I've had out of the thousands of times I've dined at the WH. Again, that's bad. Don't hate the waffle, just this house. Do you think that's the tattoo? Don't hate the waffle, just this house. My goodness.

I like that. I like people who are really enthusiastic about Waffle House. Like passionate. Passionate, absolutely. So thank you, Lee. That was really uncomfortable. so much, Lee. Really uncomfortable. This is from Nicole, and it is about the Waffle House on Cheshire Bridge Road. And here we go.

I'd heard so much about Waffle Houses in LA. Okay, but to be fair, that is such an LA thing. Have you ever heard of Waffle House? Like, you've got to try it. I thought I misread that. I read it three times. I do that all the time about Cracker Barrel. I have to admit that.

You talk about Cracker Barrel? Yeah. Like I'm saying, in LA, I'm like, oh, but have you heard of Cracker Barrel? You're doing it right now. I see. Have you guys heard of Cracker Barrel? You're doing it right now. I see. Have you guys heard of Cracker Barrel? So I thought it maybe meant Louisiana, but no, it definitely means LA. I think.

I'm pretty sure. Because I think a person in Louisiana would know what a Waffle House is. I don't know. Yes. Agreeing. Okay. I'd heard so much about Waffle Houses in LA that when I arrived in Atlanta, I just had to go get some waffles. Okay, first things first.

This is no Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles. I thought I'd be getting something similar to Roscoe's, just better. What I got was some old bullshit. Wow. Yeah, we got caps on there. First of all all the chef this is so fucking terrible i'm sorry okay this is terrible first of all the chef turned around and had pink eye and pus coming out of his eye oh my god i'm sorry i i was like what the fuck oh my god i look there's

an ass just where the u goes i told the waitress i'd forgotten my phone in my car and i'd be right back and i sped off like a bat out of hell. So this person literally just ditched. Like ditched. No, there's more. Then I drove to the one in Marietta. So they literally got in their car and drove to a different location.

Why? Then I tried the one in Marietta and the chef there went to the... What was coming out of the chef's eyes? Went to the restroom, came out, and had dirt under his fingernails. Oh my god. What the hell is up with y'all nasty, dirty-ass waffle houses out here?

The waffles were flatter than pancakes, and the service... Oy vey! And I'm not Jewish. That was a question. Does that mean that you mean it more when you're not Jewish? There's more to the Jewish statement. You'll find out. And the service, oy vey, spelled completely wrong.

And I'm not Jewish. And I started gagging like an old yiddish woman at a pork festival what what everybody steer clear of the waffle houses they are disgusting i'm sorry and that one was really actually pretty gross but i just couldn't get over this no that's okay this person was flying in from los Angeles to like eat Waffle House. It's like that guy who went to the barbecue place in Memphis, but the opposite. Yeah. But I do respect them for trying a second location.

It didn't go as anyone would have liked. However, they did try. They did give it a second chance. Yes. How, but I mean. It's a little sad because I read a lot of really bad reviews and it made me very sad because I really do enjoy Waffle House. Me too.

But I think maybe next time I go, I have to find one that has a decent rating and also a health code that's up to par because some of these don't apparently. Yeah. But one thing also is it sounds like at least in that review, a lot of people go to Waffle House expecting an experience that no one has ever received at Waffle House. I see. They're expecting the Cracker Barrel experience. Exactly. At a Waffle House price.

Exactly. Okay, got it. That's what I'm saying. You say that all the time. It really drives me crazy. Yeah. price exactly okay that's what i'm saying yeah you say that all the time and then it really drives me crazy yeah like cracker barrel is just my my the for me the pinnacle of all chain restaurants it's not ihop no i mean i i love ihop is number two absolutely but ihop is no cracker barrel got it

although those rooty tooty fresh and fruities or whatever they're called don't ever say that again i thought i banned that word eight years ago when you started ordering those you did um well so now i feel really sad and dark about waffles oh and then she was complaining about them being smaller or smaller than a pancake or something or thinner than a pan flatter yeah that's the waffle house waffle like that's see that that to me is not waffle. Like, that's... See, that, to me, is not fair. You gotta get that pecan waffle. That pecan waffle. I said it both ways.

You said it both ways. Apparently people say it different ways in Georgia. So now you can't be mad at me. Yeah, so I just feel like Nicole had a disappointing time. And Lee... Yeah, that's how whenever I see someone with pink eye cooking my food, I'm like, you know what? I'm disappointed. Yeah, I don't think I would go to the second location after that.

Honestly, that's why I'm just impressed. But I do love that they admitted, she admitted that she went out to her car. She admitted that she lied to the waitress and drove away. Yes. She didn't just say, I left. She's like, I told the waitress that my car was in the car or phone my phone was in the car and then i just spat out of the parking lot yeah i wonder how many times that happens though in that in that specific waffle house because that one had like

a two they have less than two star yeah it was not pretty um okay so that was waffle house i feel a little like i feel like it needs some positivity but maybe I'll find a redemption for next week. Yes. I was looking and I couldn't find any that were too redeeming. Oh, God. That's not a good sign. No, but that's okay. I'll try my hardest.

Okay. So, let's see about the dinos. Let's see about the dinos. Did you end up at the Creation Museum? That's where I was hoping no i know i i um that'll have to be its own episode oh yes absolutely that's a good idea um i was looking so many were about dinosaur exhibits and so i tried to ignore those um however the ones that mentioned dinosaurs that were not dinosaur exhibits were just quoting Jurassic Park.

And it was not funny. It was just like people just wanted an excuse to quote Jurassic Park. Of course. People always want that excuse. Yeah. So I did actually go to one that was regarding a dinosaur exhibit. But it was a good one. Okay.

I'm ready. But not a good one. Like a good one, but not. Okay, good. Our favorite. It was a one star by good one. Okay, I'm ready. But not a good one. Like a good one, but not. Okay, good. Our favorite. It was a one star by Anonymous. Okay. Do we know what it's of?

I did. Oh, good. An Anonymous Zoo. Of all things, for some reason, I chose not to write this down. So this was a one star review of the Los Angeles Zoo. Oh, okay. Which I've actually never been to. Me neither.

But... Oh, actually, there was one of the old zoo in Griffith Park that's abandoned and that we went to. It's very creepy. It's supposedly haunted. And that person said it felt like Jurassic Park and that a dinosaur would pop out from around one of the corners. This person said that? No, someone else. Oh, well, someone else said that.

Okay, I'm not sure that's accurate. Yeah, no, I didn't feel that way, but... No. That's okay. Anyway, here's a one-star review of the Los Angeles Zoo. Say no to dinosaurs at the zoo. What will they take away from us next? I don't. Oh no.

I took my two and a half year old to the LA Zoo today. When his dad came home from work this evening, the only quote, animal my son wanted to tell him about was a dinosaur with a bloody fish in his mouth. Why is an electro-dinosaur at the zoo? And why is he positioned at the entrance

my toddler knows and the zoo people know too my toddler knows yeah i don't know what that means that knows that it shouldn't be or something whatever no the toddler seems thrilled about it exactly imagine a world where the zoo people use some creativity and create, say, an electro bear with a bloody fish in his mouth with real life bear sounds. They could place the animated electro animals near the real animal cages so our young ones could get excited about our natural world. And the animals, the real animals will get fucking traumatized? Yeah, I don't know about this. I don't know about this either. It might actually help

distract us from all the sadness and zoo visitorship would rise anyways a dinosaur exhibit at the zoo seems to be a fitting telling of the true state of our world like a harbinger of extinction rapidly approaching what the fuck is wrong with this person? Yeah, that's it. What the fuck? Um, right? Okay, a few things. One, I would hate to be in a town hall meeting where this person attends for any reason whatsoever. You know that they go to every single one. Oh, yeah.

Um, two... Zoo people? That's what she kept calling them, zoo people. The zoo people know. Yeah. Apparently they know. Oh my god. Well, imagine if zoo people had creativity. Imagine.

Oh my god, could you imagine zoo people creating an electro bear? Just think of the possibilities. I feel like she thinks she can do the job better than anyone yeah um i'm personally offended and feel attacked by this person why i guess we don't know that's a woman huh i'm being very heteronormative um yeah i have no idea what their name is i just like to call her i think i did that too i'm calling her karen in my head and it just is very fitting see that's the thing is with that name karen no offense to all our karen but it's across oh absolute offense to all our karens okay um yeah no i i don't know about this this person this human i think they need to relax maybe take a xanax what is it about dinosaurs though like i i don't get it

maybe they don't believe they were real like some people literally don't believe that yeah hmm but then they would have probably espoused their view because people who don't believe that like to talk about it unless they know people wouldn't take them seriously if they did that right because now we're taking this person very seriously good point good point you got me there i don't know this is upsetting and i feel bad for this toddler who just wants to see a dinosaur yeah i mean it's not like that's cool, I think. And also a dinosaur exhibit or even an animatronic. What did you call them? Electronic?

Electro. Electro. Electro dinosaur. Sure thing. Even an animatronic zoo or having an animatronic dinosaur at the zoo, in my opinion, does not reflect on the state of this entire nation. And if it did, then wow. Not just our nation our world oh shoot

literally the world that this is a representation of extinction rapidly approaching is that what they said yes oh harbinger of extinction rapidly approaching the sad thing is they sound quite well educated with this vocabulary i don't know they probably have those words in the bible is that should i not have said that does that sound yeah you shouldn't say that because that with this vocabulary? I don't know. They probably have those words in the Bible. Is that... Harbinger? Should I not have said that? Does that sound... Yeah, you shouldn't say that because that sounds like you just called everyone

who reads the Bible uneducated. I'm just imagining this woman not believing in dinosaurs, believing in the end of days, and, like, preaching that stuff. Right. Yowza. Yowza, indeed.

How about... Now I kind of want to go to the zoo. I don't like the zoo, but now I kind of want to go. I don't know when this review is from. Maybe they still have that. We'll have to check that out soon. Maybe they've installed the bear by now. Oh, yeah.

That's true. All right. So how about I give our little spiel, and then we'll read a listener review, five-star listener review, and reveal the theme and challenge for next week yeah oh good you can find us on instagram and twitter at beach to sandy on facebook at beach to sandy water too wet our website is beach to sandy.com you can email us at beach2sandy at gmail.com. Write us suggestions.

Send us reviews that you find are funny. We might share them on social media. And yeah, just say hi. We love hearing from you guys. Okay. So let me read this review. It's a really long one. Oh, fuck.

Do I do this now? Yeah, it's at the bottom zoo review electro bear bloody fish i like how they keep bringing the bloody fish back though yes oh it is very long you're right five star review from abysrium is sad now it's fine no further comment wow thank you now that is what yelp needs more of, I have to say. Yeah. I mean, we got five stars. It's fine.

And said it's fine, you know? Okay. That's how I feel about driving Lyft. Like when a Lyft passenger is like, oh, I give them four stars because it was a little bumpy. It's like, no, you give them five stars. Like there are people who knock off stars for the dumbest reasons. Because it was bumpy because you made them drive up the Hollywood Hills. Exactly.

Because they're an asshole. Oh, when I drove Lyft, I had people in the hills being like, oh, why didn't you turn back there? Like, I'm just following the GPS. I cannot afford a place up here. I do not know my way around up here. You have to tell me beforehand if you want me to turn somewhere. Yeah, next time I invite you, I'll just send you an address. Like, an actual map. A map quest. There it is. To my home in the Hollywood Hills.

There it is. Next to Leo DiCaprio. Cool. Well, that was very, very, very thorough. Yeah, I know. I think we needed a little short and sweet one there from Abyss Reunissad. No, thank you. Well, I got to read the short one. Oh, well. Okay. Now what? Now, why don't you tell me what the theme is for next week? Okay, sure. Okay, the theme for next week is museums in Boise, Idaho.

Oh, I have no connection to Boise, Idaho. Not yet, anyway. Not yet. I will now, and I'll have some great museums to go check out. I'm very excited. So, cool. So, what is my challenge? Your challenge is to find a positive review, which means four or five stars, of a park that mentions squirrels. Okay, I get it. So, it can't be like overrun with squirrels. Yes. Or a squirrel stole my sandwich. Ideally, the squirrels would be a factor in it being a positive review. Okay, not like one star off because of the squirrels. Ideally, this challenge is to find a review

where they talk positively of squirrels. Sure. Okay, I'm listen, I'm to write that down. I'm amped. All right. Thanks for listening, guys. Hit us up. Write us a review if you'd be so kind. We love those. Or just write a rating if you're shy. Absolutely. We really appreciate it. Any help you can give us. And we'll be back on Wednesday. We'll be back. See you then. Bye.