Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - Between You And Us: Episode 1

Episode Date: February 11, 2019

In the first edition of our monthly Between You And Us episodes, we read reviews of your most suggested item. This episode is an exploration of the human body and its limits. You will learn so much from this episode, but you won't want to remember any of it. But you should already know what you're getting yourself into... Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello everyone, this is our first listeners episode and we have not figured out a clever name for it. But hopefully, by the time you're listening to it, we will have and it'll be in the title. If it is in the title, great. If it's not, we're seriously desperate for a good title. Yeah, please help us. We're not good at this.

We're terrible. Zero stars if we could. yeah please help us we're not good at this we're terrible yeah zero stars if we could uh this episode is special because it's all about what you want to hear from us product and this week our first week starting off pretty big yes we are this is the most popular thing that we've oh my god people have been requesting this you guys are obsessed and actually when i started this lisa lampinelli requested. I never even told her that. Yeah, it occurred to me today when I was doing the notes. She's like, Blaze told me about it years ago. And so this has been like building up in my past butterfly effect style.

Oh. I'm trying to use more pop culture references. It does not work. Good one. So why don't you introduce everyone to this? Oh, by the way, for those of you guys know, in the future, we will read reviews't you introduce everyone to this oh by the way for you guys know in the future these will be we will read reviews that you guys submit to us um like funny reviews you guys send in but so this one's a little different we're just uh we found our own reviews of a

project product except one one someone someone did send in like a specific review but for this topic a lot of people just wrote in said have, have you read these reviews? These are hilarious. Here you go. Got it. Okay. So in the future, we're going to be doing different, like a hodgepodge. Hodgepodge of what you want to hear. So send us a screenshot or a link. We'll read that if we like it.

Like a Sophie's Choice, if you will. Is it working now? Gosh, I don't know. But isn't that a really sad movie? Yep. Okay. Then it's not. Okay. Yeah. We'll do a whole list, like a't that a really sad movie? Yep. Okay. Then it's not. Okay.

Yeah. We'll do a whole list, like a whole Schindler's List of them. You're getting it. Yeah. We're good at this. We're getting better. Okay. Why don't you go?

Do you want to go first? Yeah. Yeah. We are talking about sugar-free gummy bears. Dun, dun, dun. And if you haven't heard about this, you're in for a treat. But a treat. A sugar-free treat. These are infamous.

Absolutely. We found the reviews on Amazon, which is where the phenomenon all began. Yes. So, how about you start with yours? Okay, I'm going to start with one that Rachel sent in by email. Okay. Thank you, Rachel. Thank you, Rachel.

It's a one-star review written by Joshua titled Eat If You Dare. I sit here writing this review at 4 a.m. from my porcelain throne. A fixture you will become all too familiar with if you choose to eat these cute little bears from the pits of hell. Oh no! I had to eat a pound of these little bastards after Man City must have thought they were playing American football the other week and lost to a team of Arsenal scrubs. Wait, so he's playing his football team, soccer team? I assume there was a bet where if oh it was a

soccer team lost he had to eat a pound sir nobody made you do that because your soccer team nope someone did make him do that okay exactly got it they were a bit chewy but overall appeared to be nothing more than your average gummy bears after about two hours with little more than some mild stomach cramps feeling like no like one would expect from eating a pound of any candy, began to wonder if I'd gotten some duds. Like the slow buildup of a Martin Scorsese film, however, these bears were waiting for their baptism scene to destroy my insides. What the fuck? It started with the cramping, very akin to doing 1,000 crunches, and then being forced to hold the 1,001st crunch indefinitely.

As if this person has ever done that. As if anyone except maybe like... They're going to need to, to burn off all these... Well, actually it's probably... Nevermind. You'll see what happens. Okay. Then came the initial run, which opened the proverbial floodgates.

I don't want to hear about that. I'm over 30 and I'm beginning to wonder if these bears know that and want to send me back to the can for each year I've been on this earth to make me wonder why I'd ever been born. In between gastrointestinal bouts of pressure washing the inside of my toilet from my anus... The fogs in our... fucking disgusting. Okay, the people requested this. They knew it was coming. I lay in bed feeling as if someone were to punch me in the stomach, I'd turning the walls of my bedroom into a soiled jackson pollock rendition i'm going to scream this is horrible to give you an idea i'd spent 50 ordering a ufc pay-per-view only to

willingly miss the last two to three fights on the main card because i didn't want to stray too far from my master bedroom. Thankfully for me and my marriage, fearing what might be coming, I convinced my wife to spend the evening at my sister-in-law's because trust me, fellas, nothing will be gained from your significant other experiencing this with you. I'm no longer in pain, but I'm still having to make trips back to my master bath on a regular basis. And seeing a regular therapist. Let's hope. Eat these if you dare, but be forewarned, they are not to be trifled with

unless you want your toilet to be a staging ground for repeat fecal rehearsals of The Red Wedding from Game of Thrones. Stop it! End of review. I guess I can't blame this person because they were sitting on the toilet for hours. No human contact.

Yeah, what else are they going to do but come up with this review? Oh, oh, detail you know you know it's accurate as someone with crohn's disease i don't like hearing all this it's too it hits too close to home you see what the pain that you are putting her through right now you people it's not funny to make people do this seriously if they don't support us on patreon then i don't know how they can make up for it that's not what i mean i'm talking about these dumbasses who are like betting each other to eat them oh okay um here we go do i do one now let's go back and forth your turn sean is one of these people that i uh i'm directing my anger

toward okay sean gives five stars worked like a charm worked like i haven't even started yet oh no worked like a charm my wife and i prank each other and i got these for her she is a diet fanatic these little bears sure did a big job my wife thought she had food poisoning she ended up losing weight so she can't be that upset oh that's so cruel what an asshole awful fuck you sean sean your turn gosh that was that was bad she ended up losing weight stop complaining okay that mine is like 10 times as long as that one. I know, mine are really short.

Sorry, that's okay. I'll make up for it. This is a five-star review by Derek. Okay. Titled, The Horror at 30,000 Feet. Oh, God. My flight was leaving at 8. Oh, I don't know where this is going.

My flight. Oh, yes. Fucking hell. My flight was leaving at 8 in the morning. After awaking and trying to get to the airport, I forgot to grab something to eat. Oh. I usually take my time and do things in order,

but not this day. I was traveling from Boston to LA, coming home from a work trip. I was on that flight last night. You were? Yesterday. Did you have any sugar-free gummy bears? Do you think I had any sugar-free gummy bears?

I hope not, because let's hear what would have happened to you. I do it regularly, so nothing was new to me. I stayed in the same hotel and knew the time I needed to leave to get to the airport on time. During my work trip, I stopped at a convenience store and saw these gummy bears and thought they would be a perfect gift for my son, Charlie. He loves gummy bears and gummy worms. So the morning I was to head back to LA, I slept through my alarm. That never happens. I rushed to get out of the hotel and threw those gummies in my carry-on

bag to make it on time to the airport. After speeding and filling up gas in the rental, I made it to my gate as they were boarding. Get on the plane and head down the aisle to find my window seat near the middle of the plane. Thanks for telling us what... Oh, I guess maybe it matters. It's relevant. You're right. I shouldn't complain. I asked politely for the two adorable older ladies sitting in the middle and aisle seats if I could pass by to my seat. They obliged. The lady in the middle must have been around 80 years old, so it took her some time to

get up and make sure she was holding on to something so she didn't fall and she stepped into the aisle. Oh no. I thanked them as I sat and settled into my seat. Fast forward 20 minutes as we reach our cruising altitude around 30 000 feet in the air as i reach into my carry-on bag to grab my headphones i see the gummy bears since i'm hungry and need something i decided to open them up and just have a few to hold me over until we land i wanted to save some for my son so i

maybe had four or five but i had four or five too many. Because once the bears had a few minutes to adjust to their new home, they began to work. It started out with a little cramp, which is normal with gassing on a plane. You do not want to fart on a plane, so you hold it in. It is airplane etiquette. Thanks.

It would come and go over a few minutes so i thought nothing of it then it got worse the cramps intensified the sweating started and i began to notice the older ladies looking over at me about 30 minutes into eating these bears my thinking went from oh these are just farts i can hold them to oh dear god not here oh i have no i have been a christian my life, and this is the test. Oh no. If there is a God, please help me leave this plane with my dignity intact. After waiting for the intense cramp wave to pass, I stood up and jumped over those two women.

I could not wait for them to stand, so I stood up, my back facing them, and tried to shimmy past them. I think a toot came out because I heard one say, Oh Lord, was that you? After reaching the aisle, I waddled to the back of the plane where the least amount of risk would be. To my dismay, it was in use. That left one bathroom left in the front. I looked down the aisle and saw my Mount Everest.

I had to somehow keep my wet cheeks tighter than Fort Knox I can't. Whilst waddling forward whilst praying no one gets out of their seats after five minutes of stop and go i made it to the bathroom and was pulling my pants down as i entered the bathroom the door was still unlocked as a sweet release was underway i thought i died i thought this was it even though i was on the throne confessing my sins i thought my time was called. I lost count on how many knocks at the door there was.

I must have been in there for 45 minutes, but I made it. I washed my hands and threw water in my face to calm me down. Opening the door, I saw the faces looking back at me. Oh my god. Apparently the seal to the bathroom was not airtight. Letting just the slightest airflow from that bathroom to the main cabin possible. These were daughters, mothers, and children looking at me. I could feel their questions and comments.

What have you done? We still have two hours left. Please divert this plane. As I began walking down, the man in the first row of first class grabbed my arm. He said, hey man, where's your seat? Confused, I told him. And he said, go get your stuff and come back and sit here. You need this more than me.

Stop it. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I had a family at home waiting for me. I recommend these bears to everyone, but please eat them responsibly. End of review. What the fuck? These bears bring out the worst in people. Literally. Literally

brings it out. Oh yeah. Fucking A. This is terrible. This is terrible. Why are we doing this? We gotta give the people what they want. No, you picked this. Don't even act like that. They wanted it. Oh god. Okay okay i have one more it's by shaheen five stars

you know what you're getting yourself into at this point it's all real very real after reading all those fucking long ones that one just really stood out it's perfect yeah yeah i mean because you read these and you read these like really dramatic ones and you think how bad can it be then you get people like that who are like yep there were some that are like it's not a joke like this fucked me up yeah people like eat them because they've heard the stories and they think oh there's no way or oh let's see what it's actually like detox and i'm like no no no that's not how this works friends it's not a laxative it's just like a i mean it is well it's a torture torture laxative

i don't know oh yeah i don't i don't feel so good after all that. No, this is a terrible, terrible recording day. We just did the strip clubs and the Trump hotels, and now the sugar-free gummy bears trifecta. Gosh, I could use a trip to Trump Miami Doral. Me too. Or whatever it is, and a nice massage. A nice $3.99 Chardonnay yeah okay well that was

our first attempt at a uh listener story review yeah review sent in by you request review request review request we'll come up with a catchy thing probably you guys will and we'll just steal yeah you will and then we'll take it uh and make pretend oh yeah we had just come up with that actually thanks thanks anyway though um yeah but from in the future we're going to read uh reviews that you send in so send us reviews um ideally actually by email that's the best yeah but um we have gotten some through twitter and instagram but um yeah send us uh to our email beach to Sandy at gmail.com. And we're going to have episodes where we just read your reviews. Well,

thanks everyone for listening. Thank you, Rachel, for sending in that, uh, sugar-free gummy bear review. And thanks everyone who suggested it. And also screw all of you.

And that too. Okay. See you next time. Bye guys. Bye.