Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - Between You And Us: Episode 2

Episode Date: March 11, 2019

The voices of a generation reading reviews sent in by fans of a generation. That's right, we're back and we're engaging in civil dialogue. We're reading what YOU want us to read. Instead of spending your hard earned money on over priced cold dessert coffee thing, why not just listen to a free radio show? Btw, we're not armed and we're wearing our "Make America Emo" hats again. Thanks for inserting us into your ears! Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winning, in an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem?

Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hey, everyone. Hey, you gotta love. Surprised. We're here.

On a Monday. Wow. Hello. Okay, this is episode two of Between You and Us. I love it. Between You and Us. That's good, huh? Yeah.

And this is our episode that we do once a month where we take your reviews that you send us and read them on a free radio show. I know. Look at us go. We've come so far. We have. So this is just kind of a hodgepodge of reviews. So let's just hop right in.

All right. I guess. Are you going first? I'll go first. All right. I'm ready. This first one is from Melissa and it's of her favorite sushi place. Okay.

And she gave a little context. She said that they love the sushi there, it's reasonably priced, and the waitress shows them the one-star reviews that they get. And last time, the waitress gave them a photocopied paper with where to give reviews to negate the negative ones. That's fun!

And it's because this waitress is unique based on these reviews. I can't judge because I've never been there. Okay. By the way, it's in Grand Junction, Colorado. Grand Junction, got it. these reviews i okay i can't judge because i've never been there okay um but this is actually by the way it's in grand junction colorado grand junction got it yes and um gc is what i like to yeah oh i mean gj i call it gc it's an inside joke oh yeah you know gc good old gc we've driven

through there that's beautiful? Oh, cool. This is from Chris. There are so many. Reading through these, I almost chose like three of them, but I only chose one. Here we go. This is from Chris. Okay. When we walked in, we were greeted by the owner, a senile older man in a loud way as if we had just

disrupted the peace in the empty establishment. Reminded me of an early 90s Budweiser commercial. From there, he and Lurch's Asian sister No, that's very racist. I took the worst one, by the way. Fantastic. Fucked up. Cool. or dirty with food splatter, bodily fluids, something all over the walls, who knows? Flies were everywhere and made it so the food was not even edible. The real high point, though, was when the soup came with a giant fly in it. So reasonably- A literal fly in your soup.

They actually took a picture. No, gross. They were not the only one to get a fly in their soup and provide a picture, apparently. Okay, sorry, go on. So reasonably, the manager and lurch's asian sister i hate saying that i'm sorry that i didn't know they did it okay should have at the very least apologized and not charged for the soup nope full price but hopefully it was worth it i'll never spend another cent there and by the way watch out for the water it sits out on the

counter uncovered all day with swamp coolers running for debris to gather in it for you to drink. Yummy. What the fuck? That was the worst one. Like the one where I'm like, okay, okay, guy. Like, yeah. See a therapist, please. Yeah.

But a lot of them were like, yeah, they yelled at me for this. They yelled at me for that. They told my child two year old child to shut up like it was all over the place but then you read the i read the five star reviews and they were like don't listen to them like that's it's bullshit like this is the best sushi that like around it's like it seems like the most polarizing place i've ever found i didn't even go and do our own maybe we should that sounds fun i don't think they'd like us filming in there though we'll see we'll find out all right what do you have okay

this is a review um from rachel it is a review of the starbucks uh where they work in louisville oh and uh rachel says what can i say between you and me i honestly didn't want to like this guy in the first place so i would definitely give him zero stars for his review if i could so i shall read this to you now this is from thomas overpriced trendy hipster atmosphere packed full of a liberal degenerates who act as though they're owed something from me. We were out and the wife wanted some overpriced cold dessert coffee thing that is not coffee. So of course we stopped and she got some.

Thank my wife, Starbucks, because otherwise you wouldn't get a penny off me. BTW, I was armed and wore my MAGA hat the whole time eat it end of review what why BTW I was armed

the whole time why was any of that review necessary literally none of that seemed necessary and then the last line has literally nothing to do with anything and then the last line has literally nothing to do and then it gets goes beyond unnecessary yikes love you kentucky god that's ohioans we just love you there yeah i hey good friends from kentucky and some not so good friends well yeah um but i saw taylor swift in kentucky okay that That's KFC Yum Center or something like that.

I got really lost in Kentucky. I also went on a great wild turkey distillery, had fun there. I do. I went to prom in Kentucky with sunshine. You did. I know. We should move on from that phase.

Cool. Yeah. So that was fun. Thank you, Rachel, for that. Thank you, Rachel.

Ridiculousness. First time we thank you rachel ridiculousness the first time we're thanking people well not actually the first but like we're actually thanking them and meaning it yeah besides the woman who took accordion lessons at age 12 this is the first time i heartfelt mean it okay this next one i have is from kelsey okay it's a review of the film holmes and watson from 2018. Oh, shit. The title is From the Heart of a True Fan. Okay. When I was a rookie state trooper at the age of 24, I had to knock on a door at 2 a.m.

and awaken a mother and father just to tell them that their son, also 24, had been killed in an automobile accident. Naturally, they were distraught. I stayed in their home and answered their many questions and attempted to comfort them as best I could until family members arrived. At the mere age of 24, I was not ready for that moment, and I have spent the following 23 years securing the notion that those 90 minutes

would be the most agonizing and uncomfortable 90 minutes of my life. I was wrong. That night in 1995 will forever finish a distant second to the time i watched holmes and watson i'm sorry that's it oh yeah end of review what the actual fuck was that what the i had no fucking clue where that was going i'm glad i'm glad you didn't like figure it out i was like were they watching it in a background yeah i know right oh god nope nope the clever ways people come up with to uh just talk bad about a bad movie what the fuck okay i'm sorry i put you through that everyone

yeah thank you kelsey though very disturbed thank you kelsey all right my turn go for it all right hiccuped and then y'all at the same time okay this is a review sent in by darian the subject of the review is i found a dino zoo review. Oh. Okay, so this is in North Carolina, where apparently the zoo has a dino exhibit with animatronic dinosaurs. They were trying to help me, and I probably completely ignored it and missed it. What? Oh. When I did, because you gave me a challenge of finding a zoo review that mentioned a dinosaur. Oh, I thought it maybe was after that but it might

have been before oh maybe actually yeah that could be too um it says clearly it's for children and is advised as such an activity and is adorable okay so it's for children this is uh the review it is a two-star review from someone called oh god here we go psycho eagles fan i didn't see them until now i like at the bottom of the review it says click here to thank psycho eagles fan nope no you didn't did not do that okay so this psycho eagles fan says subject dino world not worth it first dino world entry not included in gate fee. Pay an extra $6 per person. Then there is only one photo up inside. The other, quote, dinosaurs are behind rope.

They're not even real. Very disappointed. End of review. What the hell were they thinking? They're not even real. Very disappointed. End of review. What the hell were they thinking? They're not even real. And that means that you can just go up and do whatever you want to them. And then underneath that, this isn't part of the thing,

but just the screenshot shows someone named... Oh my god, what is wrong with these people? Camel RX, like prescription, rx doc okay and it just all i see is the subject two stars zoo was very unprepared for the spring crowd that's it that's it i mean that's just the subject i can see i don't know what the rest says but uh oh my people have some problems with zoos i mean i do too but I don't post them on the internet. That's the difference between us and a lot of these people. I like to think so. We just keep it to ourselves.

And if we do provide reviews, we tend to inflate our... Well, at least for me, I'm like, well, I can't give them three stars. It's too mean. I feel bad. Yeah, exactly. Even if they're so bad to me. Exactly. Okay.

My next one is a review sent in by Joshua. Okay. And this is Tim reviewing Kids Kingdom Recreation slash Play Center in Ontario. Wow, okay. Two stars. Typically a very nice place for the kids. Even bought a membership. The strange thing, and probably why I won't renew my membership,

is that I purchased a bottle of Coke Zero. When I took a drink, it smelled exactly as if some girl had inserted it. What? What? What? Oh yeah, you heard that right. I nearly threw up. Even my wife was taken aback. Maybe eat lunch before going to this place. End of review. What? it got a thumbs up that was on like trip advisor i think what in god's name are they talking about

maybe it's google um yeah it it it smelled like it smelled as if exactly as if some girl had inserted it holy god it took me like a couple read-throughs and I was like, are they saying what I think they're saying? They've got to be, right? I don't know. I like how they say, even my wife was taken aback. As if to her that'd be nothing. Unless there's something in Canada where that phrase could mean something else. Maybe.

I want to hold on hope a little bit of hope but yeah maybe it's another riddle for us that it is whether we like it or not okay thank you thank you joshua okay let's not thank tim no no thank you to tim um okay so this is from caitlin subject is not an actual yelp review uh it says hey christine and alex so i work for an auto body shop and we received this review from a customer last night the gentleman did have to wait an extra 20 minutes to have a part installed so he understood his frustration but then he made it personal the other girls and i have been laughing about this all morning guess the company is going to have to step up their hiring game love the podcast

five stars all right ready yes this is a review feedback unsatisfied comment you guys suck your customer service was atrocious your prices are astronomical and there wasn't an attractive woman in your entire shop just awful end of review what i'm so glad they have a good sense of humor but wowza that's fucking rude i like how that's where he's like that's how i'll get him yeah that's how i'll get him yeah okay people are just caitlin fuck that guy yeah but not literally. Oh, please. God, no. Yeah. All right. What's your last one? The last one is from Grace. They specifically said that they liked the bridal shop episode and they sent it to their

co-workers because they're all bridal consultants. Oh. And they still giggle thinking about it. Well, that's nice. I like when people are like in the industry. I know. We even had someone from, I want to say TripAdvisor. Really?

Who worked at TripAdvisor email us like when we first started. Cool. Yeah. That was pretty cool. Do you think they just stayed on iTunes for the past three years going review podcast? I'd like to think so. TripAdvisor podcast. I'm actually going to find this person so I can name them instead of being like.

I feel like I've mentioned several people and didn't name them. Sorry. It's Carrie. So. Cool. Yeah. Thank you, Carrie. Thank you. name them instead of being like i feel like i've mentioned several people and didn't name them sorry it's carrie so um cool yeah thank you carrie thank you oh that was from trip advisor yeah that was a trip advisor segue okay i'm not a segue this is a diversion yes got it okay just yeah okay but anyway anyway anyway this is the review that grace sent in grace yes cool and it's of a tsa checkpoint oh my god i didn't know you could review that exactly cool i'm ready it's actually a screenshot of a tumblr post where they were like i didn't so someone posted on tumblr saying did you know you can review tsa

checkpoints on yelp for some reason fucking do now and then here's the one star review the biggest jackass in the world stopped me because my Oregon ID was too exotic for him to parse, and he was unable to conceive of the age-old concept of asking for another form of ID until four other people had been consulted. Great work today, McGruff. You really took a bite out of crime this time around. I also really liked the attitude I got in response when I said, I don't know what to tell you, in exasperation, because my valid ID didn't pass as personal muster, and I wasn't up to the challenge of trying to rearrange my flight info

just to get back to my home 3,000 miles away on a shoestring budget. Maybe reassign this guy to the baggage room or teach him to read. Thanks. What? End of review. Yeah, so... What the fuck? That's gotta be a future theme, though though that's kind of what i was thinking i was like okay like this is giving us ideas and people also write in

all these ideas and suggestions all the time which we appreciate so good so good okay uh let's see i have one more for you now ready this is called i have a review you will like this is from colby colby was correct colby says they were trying to read reviews of their local planet fitness the other day and they came across this and thought we would enjoy it and colby also says ps christine i was at the And That's Why We Drink show in Kansas City, and y'all crushed it. Such a fun night. Okay, bye. Which made me very happy.

Cute. Okay, so this is a review from Anne. It is a one-star review of the Planet Fitness. While their introductory rates are quite low, I first experienced multiple problems when I saw they had charged my debit card almost $200 more than the stated rate. Then I was trying to shower one afternoon and realized they didn't have soap in the shower stalls. As an elderly woman, I had to repeatedly, precariously creep across the wet floor to get soap from the sinks by the bathrooms.

I fell three times in the process. Oh no. It's so matter of fact. I had to creep across the floor numerous times. I mean, three falls. That's fucking terrible. That would break me. That would break all of my bones. After coming out of the shower, I noticed that a Planet Fitness employee was grooming herself in the mirror and saw me fall repeatedly.

I asked her why there was no soap in the showers. She told me that it wasn't her problem i should bring my own and if i fell that was no big deal i was furious as i was getting dressed but afraid to move from the bench because i didn't want to fall again i threw oh i'm so i'm scared i threw a q-tip where did this q-tip come from did this Q-tip come from? They provide Q-tips, but not soap? I threw a Q-tip toward the trash can, but missed. Uh-oh.

If you had to creep over there. No, not quite. It's worse. The young employee accused me of attacking her. And trying to hurt her. I honestly could do nothing but laugh. It seemed beyond absurd and not worthy of response she stormed out of the ladies locker room called the police and as i was finishing getting dressed two armed police officers appeared in the locker room i was stunned given that the entire incident was beyond bizarre and professional a bit cruel and

sadistic i simply asked for the officer's badge numbers requested a copy of the recorded dialogue So I wouldn't fall again. No, I added that. I'm sorry. That's rude. I also asked to speak with a young woman making various false accusations about me so that we could have an opportunity to engage in civil dialogue, clear up any misunderstandings, and participate in what most would consider reasonable conversation. However, the officers denied my request both for civil dialogue and handcuffs and escorted me to the front door.

I asked them if they wanted to follow me home since I was such a perceived threat. I also told them that they needed to give me a ticket since my license plates had expired. What? Okay, this has gone completely off the rails yes so quickly what i reminded them that they are public servants who are employed by citizens and they are hired to protect and that they cannot arbitrarily decide law and justice at this point they were so clueless angry and flustered they demanded i leave the premises

wow i wonder what good old lawrence kansas law enforcement and little fragile 19 year old employees would do if something really serious happened i sure wouldn't want to ever interact with them again goodness knows what they might do or accuse people of in the future like in the year 2080 like what they're gonna recuse people and that was very weird technology what the hell okay i was on this woman's side for a while and then i'm like what i'm a little confused because i'm a little doubtful because it seems like oh i asked her why she didn't care that i kept why there were no so what whatever whatever whatever and then i threw something at the trash can and she said i attacked her and i just wanted to have civil dialogue it's like that whole thing rubbed me the wrong way

where they were like the civil dialogue part where they're like oh just let me give have some civil dialogue put me in handcuffs first okay and then give me a ticket because you're supposed to protect me and citizens and my license plates are expired good thing you weren't in her position she's obviously much more eloquent than you because i'm sure in the moment she was saying all of these things yeah very reasonably and calmly and it's called civilized dialogue is what it's called oh well yuck that was a pretty yucky one that was a bad one so thank you very much for sending it in for that uh and thank you to everyone who sent there were a lot so uh it was really fun to read through them and pick them yeah and they were all good so we didn't have to like go through

the internet and find them ourselves that's true yeah we didn't have to go through the internet and find them ourselves. That's true. We didn't have to lie about this. These are actual ones sent in by you. Great. And if you want yours to be featured, you should send us an email at beach2sandy at gmail.com. But now going forward, please include Between You and Us in the subject. A lot of you have. A lot of these you wrote in before we even came up with this idea to do this monthly uh so we're not blaming you and yeah it's just going forward we're gonna do that just because it's a lot easier to search for right because

i have a thing where i don't delete emails yeah it's driving me actually really crazy so we're gonna work on that a lot of things that are very uh useless to sift through yeah we to work on that in the future. So we have a lot of things that are very useless to sift through. Yeah, we'll work on it. But it'll be easy to search and throw it in a folder if you include between you and us in the subject. Yes, that would be very helpful. So thank you in advance. Thank you, guys. This was fun. Thanks for listening.

Can't wait to do this next month. We'll be there. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.