Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - LIVE from Washington, DC!

Episode Date: September 11, 2024

"Prepare for rude surprises!" We're having a topsy-turvy week over here at Sandmonster HQ so please enjoy one of our favorite live shows - Washington, DC! (Full video version on Patreon!)  Ad-free listening and full video episodes! https://www.patreon.com/beachtoosandy Watch clips of your favorite moments! https://www.youtube.com/beachtoosandywatertoowet Summer items available now! https://www.beachtoosandy.store Watch videos from our episodes on TikTok! https://tiktok.com/@beachtoosandy Xtine's Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/shop/thextinefiles Xandy's stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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I know this might be a little bit of a surprise because we had already picked a theme and challenge for episode 302 as our patrons know, but we have had to push that to next week because as life does, it threw us a couple curve balls this week. And you know, everything's fine, we're good. But let's just say the curve balls

were a little extra curvy, okay? So this week we've decided to release another live show. I promise this is not gonna be the norm going forward. We'll be back to our regularly scheduled programming very soon, but for now, please enjoy this DC live show. It was one of my personal favorites. I was editing it and cracking myself up the whole time so I hope you guys enjoy it and if not my apologies it's just one of those damn months you know what I mean? I think it's something with the planets, that's who I've been blaming. Okay, love you, bye. Hi! Hello, Washington, D.C.

Hi! Hello, Washington, DC! Hi, everyone. Hello! Alexander and I drove in today, and we are both white-knuckling it, thinking about our beautiful college experiences we had in this lovely city many moons ago. We'll try not to bring that up too many times, but I can't promise anything. I will say, I think the best memory I have of DC was coming here last year if that tells you anything we're trying to like reclaim our time in Washington DC so really thrilled to be here thank you for having us because we got in trouble for not saying it and by

our manager and because our manager is here tonight, I'm going to say this. That'll be on our best behavior. Yeah. How do we start it again? Oh, I don't know. I don't know. Welcome to Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet, a podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion.

I'm the sister. I'm Christine. Yeah, I'm Zandy. We're siblings, and I say that because inevitably, sometime in the show, we start fighting. People wonder if we're going through a divorce. I'm like, I've tried that, it doesn't work. We're related.

So anyway, I had to clarify that for anyone who's new around here. Anyway, I guess, should we get started? Yeah, we're basically going to shit on your town. Yeah. That's what we love doing. And usually we say that and then we're like, no, just kidding, but the first review I have is like really mean.

And I will say I did read this for the show last year, but as I was going through my notes, I was like, I can't find a better intro to this city than this review. So I'm gonna reread it. I hope you'll bear with me this is a one-star review of the city of Washington DC the whole city of oh oh didn't you know Washington DC has a Yelp page why is that just a word oh did you write this yourself it's just a word okay you know your signatures at the bottom and everything? Okay. Just because I had it notarized doesn't mean.

No, and you know what? Let's hear your thoughts now. I'm so pleased that you said that because I actually, the joke was gonna be that you wrote this review. Oh, okay, I got ahead of it. You know why? Why?

Because you moved to New York City recently. Uh-oh. And this is a New York City-er writing this review. You didn't have to tell me. A New York City-er? Okay, I'm gonna just let you read this. DC feels like a subpar English boarding school where personality, emotion, spirit,

and sense of humor are strictly forbidden and highly frowned upon, perhaps almost extinct. It baffles me how poor the customer service here is, how monumentally inferior, get it? This city is compared to New York and how bland the people are. I didn't, I told you I didn't write it, he did. However DC desperately desires to be New York City but never will. The schools, people, businesses, and everything else are categorically inferior to NYC.

I don't give two shits if this is the nation's capital because it's drier than ice in this colossal shithole. I feel like you're putting me in danger right now. I am. Like mine was a fun little joke and now you're like. I am regretting putting you on blast here. I swear to God, somebody named CR wrote this, not I. I promise.

Yesterday I was taunting the Philly crowd a lot, and I was like, you can't reach me. These people can reach me. Yeah, yeah. I'm a little more scared than I was in Philly, which is very surprising considering how aggressive those people are. As Internet weirdly bowled in Philadelphia,

I was like, that is not. We had a good time. Yeah. I did. Yeah. Yeah. I did. Yeah. Yeah. I absolutely hate the people of DC. The subways are boring as fuck. What do you want?

The businesses can't customize anything I typically get in Los Angeles and New York, but the low-end Neanderthals who live here seem to think it's the best place on earth. Oh, shit, God. I can't stand people who love saying, I'm government. That is the one line I will sign off on as well.

I did also, I did also. I would write that, yeah. As two people who went to college here, I will sign off on that part alone and nothing else. I went out to a restaurant tonight and the way people dressed reeked of insecurity, holy shit! It's like they were willing to suffocate themselves with uncomfortable clothing in a sad pathetic attempt to look preppy and their grotesque attempt of being classy. The way they sip their wine and looked at each other over the dinner table.

Can you imagine this person just like watching? And like taking notes? I'm just thinking there might be someone in here like right now thinking all that who's just drove in was like yeah these I agree look at those people in the corner. Look at these these preppy low class NYC wannabes. Again that was not a direct quote from me. Please, please. It sounds like they have no originality and the best they can do is vomit some cliche

in an attempt to belong to something. I feel like DC is a place where lower class people can feel high class. This is so mean. I'm only a third of the way through it. I completely forget this if it's not obvious. I forget this from last year. This is terrible. You read this last year and we got out of the venue?

This is off when you're a third? Barely with our lives. Barely. Okay. I would never try this in Philly, though. I will be honest with you, no. Smart, smart. No. I would never in a million years live in D.C.

I went out to a restaurant tonight. Oh, I already read this. Sorry. I won't subject you to it again. People in New York City are thriving. They are truly superior without trying at all. It's just shocking how effortlessly superior New York City is. It's a shame that the negative effects of England's colonization of certain states in the East Coast can be directly seen in Washington, D.C. People here...

I'm glad they blame the British, at least. It's like, hey, it's not your fault. You all, it's not your fault. Unless you're British. It's your ancestors' fault. People are like vampires here. And they're so low that they think being ice cold makes them superior.

It absolutely does not. It just makes you a shitty, hateful person. Takes one to know one. I have zero appreciation and respect for DC. I don't give a shit about its useless sites or the fact that the Supreme Court is here. Nor am I interested in its beyond- I'd write that. What?

I would write that. That you don't give a shit about the Supreme Court? Okay, so two things we'll sign off on. My god, the only city worth visiting is NYC. The thing that makes me want to vomit is that people in DC think they're so special, even though the schools are not that special. And by the way, stop calling yourself a patriot and talking about your European heritage. Pick one and stick to it.

It disgusts me when people try to act like they're better Americans because their people were forced to discard their European heritage when they came here and they want me to do the same. I don't have to and I see right through your pathetic insecurities. I won't ever come to DC again as long as I shall live. I have higher standards. I like people who identify with their own unique culture and I don't think I'm classy when I'm holding a glass of alcohol discussing stupid politics. Parentheses like DC people. Yes, thank you. I think we follow, we follow. This place is so incredibly hateful and dry. I see guys walking around DC with polo up shirts. Nope.

I see guys walking around DC with polo-up shirts. Nope. Yep. Sure. A vest, a perfectly groomed, parentheses forced, beard, and boat shoes in such a desperate attempt to appear classy and to fit... What do you want? That was literally me in college in DC. Except I couldn't grow a beard.

So... Until now. that's why I'm doing it now just for DC to claim that my boat shoes I forgot my boat shoes just hold a glass of wine and Barry's look at me over the dinner table and then you'll fit right in walking through a foggy bottom. Good times. OK. Good times. Oh, god. Oh, god. Don't say that. Foggy bottom. I just want to tell people in DC that, quote,

you're still the same low class garbage you were before you pranced around in those ridiculous clothes you thought you ought to wear. WTF. DC feels like America 200 years ago when Americans thought they should look a certain way to make it. Not now, for God's sake.

I am so incredibly traumatized by the people here. We can tell. It might be mutual, honestly. DC feels like I'm in an ultra conservative family who forces me to wear a suit and tie to dinner every night and discuss politics because that is what they think superior people do. They don't realize it's what zombies

with no individuality do. I would become mentally ill in a family like that. Become? God forbid, imagine if I lost my sanity. I say that as a mentally ill person. I know. And we'd know. We would know.

Thank God I wasn't raised here. Thank God I went to school in NYC. I feel free to be myself in NYC without having to conform. I don't care about DC. I'm not impressed. Well, I would argue you do care a lot about DC. A little lot too much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not impressed by anyone nor anything here and I don't want to move here, mom and dad. No, it doesn't say that. This was my first and last visit. I have never in my entire life met more people whom I hated so much

than in my time in DC. They try to seem sweet, but in reality, they are religious, conformist, hypocritical, insecure, human garbage who will drop you at the first sight of anything they don't like about you. Sarah, no, I'm trying to make you like, ooh. This has to be like targeted, right? Look, I want it to be. I feel like otherwise it's scary.

It's scary for all these people who are like, this person is out here hating all of us right now. With so much vigor and passion. It's almost, when they say I'm not coming back to DC, I was like, I wish they would sign something to prove it. You know, just stay where you are, please. I'm so afraid of you. But guess what? The feeling is a thousand percent mutual because I don't give a shit about people here either. I can't believe people like this exist. How

do you people live with your wretched selves? OMG. Goodbye and good riddance. End of review. Wow. So what can I say? Setting the tone for the evening. Setting a very aggressive and bad tone for the evening. Yeah, I feel like that should be it. I haven't even. Can I go now? Yeah. As in leave?

No, sorry, not read something, can I leave? Can you really leave? Yeah, let's call security please first, because I'm afraid I've angered a whole lot of people. No wonder I didn't remember, I put that right out of my head the moment I could. Yeah, it was awkward last year, because we had all

These people here like guests like our German cousins, and I was like they're gonna be like people here What we had like 20 guests including children that okay? They were like our little cousins that we hadn't seen in years though. There was an audience So we can talk it wasn't just like our cousin what we also had an audience It wasn't like there were 20 people here. It wasn't that sad. I mean Was anybody here at the last show? Oh, okay. They remember our cousins are here Germany yeah, we're like, what is this? We're like, what are you guys doing up there? I don't know. Oh my god Okay, well don't tell mom. Don't tell your mom and don't tell our aunt

Here's a review. It's very different and a lot shorter, but it's a one-star review of the Washington Monument. Wow, that was easy, that's a good, you got a lot. Okay, your turn, I don't know. It's an easy laugh, holy shit. I love it, I love it. I worked really hard on that last review, man. I love this crown.

Here you go. The kind of people who enjoy this probably have a protractor collection. End of review. That's it. That's very good. As someone- Man, a lot less biting than whatever the fuck you just read. I've got that bouncing around in my head.

That was so brutal. I'm sorry. I remember reading it last year. They needed to hear it. They needed to hear it. Did they? Yeah, they needed to put it in their place. No. They needed to hear it.

I don't know that anyone needed to hear it, especially if they heard it last year. But too late. They got it double. Okay, let's see. I have a review here. Oh, this was sent in by Becky, she, her. I went through our inbox and found a bunch of reviews

that were sent in after our DC show in 2023, where people said, oh, I was at the show. Here's some reviews of DC. Here's some better ones. Yeah, exactly. And so I was like, well, I don't awkwardly wanna email them and be like, hey, are you coming? And they'll be like, I don't listen to your show anymore.

You know what I mean? So who knows if any of these people are here. Awkward, but Becky, thank you. Thanks, Becky. This is a review of the, it's in Gaithersburg, Maryland. Okay, so it is of the Extended Stay America. Ever heard of it? Ever been there?

It's a, speaking of the Washington Monument or whatever you just read, this is like a local landmark. Speaking of the Washington Monument or whatever you just read, this is like a local landmark. So this is a review by Hattie of the extended stay in Gaithersburg and it is a one-star review. Staff very rude on today. One lady sitting in the office says she doesn't work here. But then the other staff guy says, no, she is the manager. Very unprofessional. There is a child hanging out of a third floor window.

There is a child hanging out of a third floor window. And at notice, staff does not appear to be at all concerned. At arrival, our room smelled like corn chips and alcohol. End of review. I don't know. I feel like we need some resolution about this dangling child that doesn't... I love that she's like, the staff wasn't concerned. I'm like, but was it the staff? Because that one lady did say she doesn't work there.

So it's really not on her payroll to be like saving a child from a dangling window. Yeah, concerned about the liability, so therefore claiming zero responsibility. So there's some concern, just probably not for this... Like misdirected concern. You know, maybe. The dangling window. Yeah, concerned about the liability, so therefore claiming zero responsibility. Right. So there's some concern, just probably not for this. It's like misdirected concern. Dangling child? Sure, sure.

That we still don't know what happened? Just hanging out of a third-floor window. It's fine. It's fine. Kids will be kids, you know what I mean? I've got a one-star review here. This is of Ben's Chili Bowl. Oh!

Classic. Classic. Here we go. One star. Terrible. Oh. I was drunk and high and the food was still irredeemable. And the review.

Oh. That's more biting than my first review. That was. That was like more cruel than my first review. That one's pretty harsh. I think that's going to upset some people. I don't feel necessarily targeted, but I feel like some people might. I have a review here.

This was also sent in by the mysterious Becky, who didn't ask to be part of this, but here we are. And it's of the same extent as Stay America. I... And I will say, like... I found a child on the ground. Okay. Appeared to have broken ankles. And a woman claiming zero responsibility.

I walked in and they gave me a name tag that said manager. And I said, okay, I guess I work here now. Next thing I knew, I was in handcuffs. Oh my gosh. So yeah, Becky basically said, I was looking for a place to stay, and I thought this place seemed fine until I read the reviews. And I said, yeah. I think Becky's being quiet because Becky is this manager.

It was like, this is great content, but I cannot be associated with it. Becky was like, make sure you read this and record it live on video so I have proof somewhere that I was not liable. Becky was like make sure you read this and record it live on video so I have proof somewhere that I was not liable. It was not me. Okay the title is... just cut that part out hold on. The title is, Prepare for Rude Surprises. Oh. Sorry. That should be like the subtitle to our show, you know? Prepare for Rude Surprises.

We should have had that warning when people walked in. My wife, daughter, and I spent two nights here. Our basic needs were satisfied. The bedroom, two queen beds, and small living room with sofa bed were large enough. Beds and bedding were comfortable and seemed clean. The small kitchen was functional and the staff provided utensils and a coffee pot upon request. Other facilities were mostly in order. That said, there were some issues.

Several things were broken or simply missing like doors. missing like doors or windows I guess with that child maybe that seems important doors in a hotel yeah sure sure yeah sure does sure I don't disagree no several things were broken or simply missing like doors in the main rooms and the toilet. I at first thought, oh my God, they don't have a toilet. I think they meant- Is it missing or is it broken? I think they meant the door between the room and the toilet was missing, question mark?

I can only hope. I can't promise that though. Okay. The living room TV didn't have a remote or any other way of turning it on. The bathroom sink didn't drain. There were no blankets on the beds and the heating didn't work. The microwave had also been unplugged and hidden from us. That's strange. Front desk staff professionalism and courtesy

varied widely from very good to very nonchalant. We got that vibe earlier, yeah. The free grab and go breakfast this property advertises is a joke, but not a funny one if your family is very hungry. When we went to grab it, all that was left was two granola bars and a packet of Swissmus instant hot chocolate powder. When we asked the manager if we could have some milk, he told us, maybe we'll get some Monday.

It was Wednesday. Oh, and a small animal of some sort, probably a mouse, scurried late at night between our living room, kitchen, and bathroom. I have called this review, prepare for rude surprises. I mean, for some surprises, even ruder than what we encountered. Several previous reviewers reported serious problems, such as unsanitary conditions, excessive noise,

early morning intrusions from workmen, and management refusal to honor the terms of reservation or provide refunds. And a dangling child. We cannot let this be forgotten. This child. Talk about a rude surprise. How does that happen?

I'm still, okay. You've been a child. You've probably dangled out a window or two. You're not wrong. I know, I know. I was there. I probably was the one dangling you out of the window. This is why I say we're siblings up top, okay?

Sheesh. Although we did not run into these issues, we find such reports entirely credible. The facility gave us an overall feeling of neglect and lack of caring. Perhaps its owners are simply waiting to sell the property to someone who will pave over this highly valuable real estate and put up a parking lot.

That's what it says. Put up a parking lot, Chick-fil-A or Lululemon. Uh, bottom line, avoid this location. Keep looking. End of review. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I could've, yeah. Too long didn't read. Maybe don't go here. Yeah, I think, I think I decided not to go there pretty early, right when you said dangling child, I think I was like, here. Yeah, I think, I decided not to go there pretty early.

Right when you said dangling child, I think I was like, Yeah, that one got you. I don't need to be involved in that again. I mean, ever. I just heard, I just heard Gaithersburg, Maryland. No, I'm kidding, I don't know. I know nothing about Gaithersburg. I don't even know where the fuck that is.

I don't either. Is it spelled weird? Is it with an A-I-T-H? For sure. For sure, the number of places I had to Google like phonetic pronunciation and then watch those dumb YouTube videos where they're like, how to pronounce? And then I'm like, I know that's not how you pronounce it.

And then you watch all the real estate videos of the neighborhood, and they still just drone footage. Drones, and they don't say it. Oh, it drives us crazy. Oh my god. You guys get it, right? You know. You guys been there, right?

Very specific problems we have. Very. Problems is a strong word. It's a strong word. We're always like the seventh viewer of that video. And I'm always like, oh my God, I wonder if they sometimes check in and are like, oh, I got another view.

And it's like, just me. Maybe someone's interested in this listing and Gaither's, see, I don't even know. I didn't watch the video, Gaither's Bird? I didn't even watch that video, I'm just guessing. Okay, no. Okay. Okay.

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when using all of the app's features. Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash beach. That's rocketmoney.com slash beach. Rocketmoney.com slash beach. ["Rocket Money"] But here is, this isn't technically DC, but we haven't had a show here yet. This is a review of Fort McHenry National Monument

and historic site in Baltimore, Maryland. Is this a negative? No, it's fine. Oh, okay. Whoa, what a plot twist. My thoughts? Oh, beautiful, four spacious skies, four amber waves of grain. Oh, God.

Four purple mountain majesties above the fruited plain. America, America, God shed his grace on thee, and crown thy good with brotherhood from sea to shining sea. Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me. I had the sheepest tool in the shed. She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an L on her forehead. End of review. Well. Thank you.

Oh my, thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, thank you. I never knew how well those songs worked together, you know? Me neither, because I didn't try singing that out loud until that moment, so... Oxener, I think we can all agree... Careful.

That it's my turn now. I'll agree with that one. Okay, this is a review, sent in by Sarah. And it's of People's Books in Tacoma Park. It's a one-star review by Tyler. They sell coffee and books, provide a sitting area for drinking coffee and reading books, but do not allow customers to use the restroom.

Refusing to acknowledge the natural human outcomes of the service and space you provide is an automatic one-star. Sorry you had problems in the past with the bathrooms, but people need to use the toilet from time to time. End of review. Okay, yeah. And now here's our...

You gotta empty yourself when you need to. Oh, don't. Stop. Am I wrong? Stop saying that. Oh, you gotta have your human outcome? What did they say? As if that's any better? I literally know it's not better.

I'd prefer you just not, you know, add onto the existing problem. Here is the response from owner. Hi, Tyler. Sorry you feel this way. We've had $3,000 in plumbing bills in our first year, so the options are either close the store or close the bathroom. Why do you feel this way? We've had $3,000 in plumbing bills in our first year, so the options are either close the store

or close the bathroom. I hope you'll reconsider what I hope was a rather rash review. Best, Matt. $3,000? And in response. Oh, no. Update to the review.

So the reviewer clapped back. Tyler said, update after business reply. or clapped back? Tyler said, update after business reply. You're serving people, not robots, not disembodied consumers, not bladderless wallets. What? If you don't wanna deal with the people parts of people, Oh!

When they spend money in your store called People's Books, then I don't really know what to tell you. At the very least, post a no public restroom sign, and then I wouldn't have bought your motor oil coffee that cut through me like a laser. End of... I don't even know who saw it anymore. I'm just... Oh, and I will say...

We've all been there. We've all been there. So I'd like access to the bathroom. I actually have a special card. That's not made up. It sounds made up. It's not. It's a Crohn's disease card.

But then I bring it places and people are like, that's nothing. And I'm like, you're right. She got it on the website for those like people, anti-vax people who have their cards. It's laminated. How much more official can you get? No, I will say this review I read last year, it's like really short.

So I'm just going to tag it on here. And it's so relatable to me as a former college student of this town. It just says, if you have a bladder, don't go to DC. There's nowhere to fucking piss. And I remember going to Krispy Kreme and buying like donuts. I mean like please can I use the bathroom and I'll buy a dozen donuts that I don't even want. Just kidding. I eat all of them. I was gonna say okay. I was in DC with you. I saw what you did to those donuts.

I know, that's why I dangled you out of that window. Don't tell anybody. My next review is a review of Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport. That was always the airport I was too poor to fly out of. I'd always have to go to BWI or D Dallas, because it's so far away on the Megabus. Good times. Oh, good times. No, not relevant anymore.

I took the Amtrak from Cincinnati for like 14 hours. Yeah, it's 14 hours. It gets in at 3.30 AM. And it left at 3.30 AM. So maybe it was 24 hours. It was an awful time. Anyway, here's a one-star review of Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport. Ronald Reagan's dead body wasn't there so I had to piss in a normal toilet and not on

his maggot covered corpse. End of review. Whoa. I feel like if you- I'm just reading it. I'm just reading it. I will say they did include a picture. Of what? Of a piss filled toilet. Oh, oh, he's not kidding.

There's a picture of the toilet that they peed in, in case you're wondering what they would have peed onto Reagan, if possible. I feel like if you had read that review in like 1980-something, like it would have made the news, like the national, that it would have been so like outlandishly like anti-patriotic, you know? So true. Yeah. And now? Now, it's fair game. I guess. I thought so. I started this whole show just bullying all these people with that first thing. I'm

just bullying Ronald Reagan. How could you? Woo is right. I'll do it some more. No I wish I could. I don't have any more of those. Dang. You didn't Google, like, quote. Pissing on Ronald Reagan. End quote. No, I did go to his library in California, the Ronald Reagan.

That has a lot of reviews of pissing on his grave. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, this is a... Anyway. One of us has to play it cool, okay? This is a review from Jer, our local Jer. Is it not cool to piss on him?

Is that not cool? No, it's like really cool. It's too cool? Yeah, but like it's so edgy that I feel like I have to bring us back. I have to play off of him be like no He would never This is a from Jare. I would I mean I wouldn't Cut all that out, please this is of the Nationals Stadium the Washington Nationals. This is a one-star review

It's like, oh, this is funny. It's like, yeah, it is. Okay, everybody, read this. I'm trying to cause an uproar. It's working. Oh my god. They're getting louder. Wow. Honestly, I'm so proud to be the vessel for this.

I get to speak it into a microphone. They probably never thought they're- That's how I felt about my last review. I was proud to be like the vessel for this, you know, I get to speak it into a microphone They probably never thought about my last review. I was proud to be the vessel for that Stop saying vessel and stop stop I'm trying to cause an uproar and start something along the lines of a boycott But not quite a boycott. I guess just along the lines of a boycott The convenience to the metro and the overall aesthetics are nice, but the impressions I got of this ballpark were brutally cold, to say the least. This is all in capital letters.

You can't bring opaque bags into the stadium. They will make you spend $12 on a frickin' locker that's not located efficiently. Totally makes a difference when you take the metro. I am furious, and I hope whoever made this policy goes bankrupt and suffers for eternity. Massive inconvenience, security, theater, and a ripoff from hell. Unless you wear cargo pants, there isn't much you'll be able to bring in. And if that isn't enough, they don't even offer programs for keeping score. End of review. What?

That's not enough. I'm trying to cause an uproar. They kind of like petered out. Like I felt like, I'm trying to cause an uproar. I was ready to fight for something. We were all like, sure. And then they were like, if you wear cargo pants. The lack of stuff. Yeah, if you wear cargo pants, it might work, okay. Then I guess I'll wear cargo pants. I don't know.

I don't necessarily. Sounds like you have a solution. Why are you bothering us with this? You know, that's. It's like you've already solved it. Also, like, I don't want to, it's like, there's plenty of people I want to suffer for eternity. Ronald Reagan.

Ronald Reagan. But. Look, I was gonna say that for later in the show, but you just kept talking about piss. It just kept happening. I was like, I gotta do it now. I can't help it. I gotta do it now. Well, I've got something, a little one. This is the National Museum of Civil War Medicine, which I believe we've talked about on the show. Oh, I have a mug of it.

You do. I think Jer got it for me, actually. Oh, that could be. That sounds right. It's my favorite coffee mug. But yes, this is uh, this is... But I inevitably am using it when I take like my B-real or a picture and then like kind of friends and friends are like what's that mug and I'm like it's none of your business. It's none of your business why I have a why in every B-real I'm holding a Civil War medicine mug. It's none of your fucking business.

And this is in Frederick, Maryland, and it's exactly what it sounds like. A museum of Civil War medicine. Yeah. You know, like, that's, yeah. Yeah. Here's a two-star review though of it. Here we go.

This place is so hyped on highway signs and the like, it's a little hole in the wall with some dusty exhibitions. My favorite part was the photo of the soldier with his lower jaw shot off. And there's an urban legend that I want resolved. Do they really do children's birthday parties? That's an urban legend? Of all urban legends, I feel like- That's the most kickass urban legend I've ever heard. But I feel like it's the easiest to solve.

The dumbest? Yeah. Like the one where you can actually go directly to the source and find out. There's a phone number that will answer all your questions about- Yeah, I would think so. But I will say, because I didn't want to call the National Museum of Civil War Medicine, I decided to search their website for birthday stuff, see if they had events.

And then I got an article titled, Letters from a Dying Civil War Soldier. With no jaw or whatever. And I decided, I'm going to stop looking at this website. Oh, good. I was about to be like, I need a bigger glass, please. I can't. Oh yeah, I read some of the quotes from the letters.

I don't think it matches the vibe for our show, believe it or not. Yeah, you know, Soldier writing home to his parents about how he might not make it home. You know, it wasn't the most fun read. Wasn't the most fun. I guess I'll trust you on that. But if you're into that, or you know, the jaw thing,

I know a place for you. I mean, Leona turns three in two months from today. Wow, guys. Should I know? Thank you so much. I'd like this to hurt. I do deserve a lot of applause for that. Look.

Please, please don't. Ah! I'd rather us get to the point of why you're bringing her up after I just talked about this dark shit. For the birthday party. Oh. I'm like, why are we talking? I just said something about his jaw missing again for the fifth time.

Writing home that you're not going to make it. Well, anyway, my daughter's two. Anyway, how about that kid? They're thinking of adding girls to the draft. That is true. Anyway, no, it's not about that. It's not about her going off to work. It's about her third birthday party.

Yet. She's too young for now. Too young. It's about her third birthday party. Yet. Yes. She's too young. Too young. For now. For now. For now. However. I'd send her.

Birthday party? I'm just kidding, I wouldn't do that. She'd be good. She'd be, she'd do great things for her. It's never, it's, yeah. She'd do great things for her military. If she's anything, like she is on her own soccer, like her little toddler soccer team,

she scores the goal into the other team's goal, or into her own goal, whatever. And then mimics shooting them. It's a whole thing. It's great. She's like... Jesus. You taught her that. Ha ha ha.

Just kidding. Ha ha ha. Anyway, what does she do when she scores a goal? She scores through the wrong goal, so I'm like, she'd be the worst person to have on your team in any capacity of a military or athlete or whatever. Oh dear, friendly fire. Yeah.

Did Joe go? It's like if Benedict Arnold was accidentally Benedict Arnold. Does that make sense? I don't think it does, but I'm gonna say yes. I mean, it does to me, but I don't know if it should. So, yes. Again, that's why I tell people we're siblings,

because sometimes things just don't. Like, yeah. Yeah, like, let's just leave it at that. Just leave it up here. Is it my turn? There are people out there, though, so I don't know. They're listening to us. That's the problem.

Ah. This is a review. This was sent in by Izzy. And I did realize this was kind of outside. I mean, a few of mine have been outside DC, but this was more, it's like a... No, I mean, I just did Frederick, Maryland. That's not close.

Here's the problem. These people don't even know where that is. Except Jared, but. They've never even heard of it. How do you say this? I literally, this is the one I had to look up so many times. Try it, just do it. Havre de Grace.

Oh, that was terrible. Say it again, say it, somebody say it. Havre de Grace. It's a B, not a V. Havre de Grace. There you go. Thank you, that actually was so helpful. It's a B, not a V, Havre de Grace.

Havre de Grace, wow. I've seen that, I've never tried saying it. That was the one where I saw a video and it was like, how to pronounce, and he was like, off the grass. He goes, off the grass, and I was like, there's no way people in Maryland, it's like, I know people from Maryland,

they are not saying off the grass. Can you imagine I came up here and I was like, I have a review from off the grass. So I went on Reddit and that was much more helpful. And also, you were helpful. That's the first time someone said that. OK. I know.

Trust me. I'm aware. This is a review of this. It's called The Van Diver Inn, and it's like a bed and breakfast in that area. And I wrote Bear With Me on top here. She did. I see. I did, it's really bad, it's really poorly written,

but I did write bear with me dot dot dot because. Looks like bean. It doesn't look like anything. Bean with me. It doesn't look like anything. Just bear with me is all I'm gonna say. One star. The owner is one of the biggest bigots

I have ever encountered. We stayed for a wedding party and were marginalized for practicing our faith and threatened with forced removal for burning incense outside in the open air in a controlled environment. When booking the room, we booked the Meg, which the person on the phone assured us it was okay to burn incense in the private garden outside our room. The what? The private garden. No, what was the room called? The Meg. Like the Megalodon?

Is that what that means? That big shark? I don't think, I've never been to Halle-Berl, but I don't think it, like, I don't think that's relevant. But from the posters. What posters? Of that movie. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

That means Megalodon. I thought it was just the name of the posters. What posters? Of that movie. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That means Megalodon. I thought it was just the name of the show. I... I was like, that's cute. That's Megan, though. That's Megan, the robot. It's what? Megan, the robot.

The doll? The haunted doll? Yeah, yeah, that's the doll robot thing. For fuck's sake. Anyway, yeah, the Meg. I've seen that movie and I wasn't even sure, but yeah, Megalodon. Okay. It's a very, it's a movie.

Oh. It's a series, I recommend it. It's also the room that was okay to burn incense in the private garden. We couldn't sleep due to constant rumbling in the plumbing pipes within the wall every time someone in the other rooms flushed the toilet, opened the faucets, and the bathroom was frigid

as you had no capability to have the heat on with it being 50 degrees and raining the weekend of April 29th, 2023. End of review. Now here's a response from the owner. This is John the innkeeper. I can see you and or your partner, the other guests in the room, acted on your threat to post a terrible review. One important detail you forgot to mention is that we were alerted by other guests that you and your partner were starting a fire in the bushes. In the bushes? That's not... Nothing good happens in the bushes. I would know.

Speak for yourself. My request to have you, who had drank a lot, direct words from your partner, extinguish the fire had nothing to do with anyone's beliefs and everything to do with a strong desire to not have our building catch on fire. Our other guests, many of which were part of your group, were so upset they threatened to check out unless we

stopped your activity. Still others in your group who learned of your behavior in the morning apologized to us and the staff. As we discussed, had we been notified of this need we would have been happy to seek a safe solution during our standard business hours rather than be confronted with upset guests well after 10 p.m. End of response. Those Bush incense people.

Here's an update. That sounded offensive, I'm sorry. I don't know how to say that out loud. I was like, oh God. Here's an update. You know what that means. Oh, there's an update? Yeah, two stars.

Is it negative? Sure is. How many stars was it before? Don't tell me they up? One. They upped their- They added one star. They're like, here's a little pity star.

Okay, I'm curious. I'm curious. What the sensitive little innkeeper neglects to mention is that the fire he refers to was actually two charcoal briquettes that were held in a fireproof container the size of a cereal bowl. I held it in my hand and this was part of a ritual that involves incense. The fire wasn't big enough to cook a freaking hot dog. Also, I assume the little guy hasn't ever tried to start an actual fire because it is

very difficult to start one in the pouring rain. And I tried, no it doesn't. The other guest he cites was actually one guest who accused my partner of practicing witchcraft, which was his big problem with the entire thing. Oh my God. I love how this, if that's true, I love how the owner's like, yeah, someone complained, but didn't say, oh yeah, this person accused you of witchcraft.

Because if someone came up to me and said someone's performing witchcraft over there, I'd be like, okay. I'd be like, cool, cool. First of all, what do you want me to do? I'm not fucking with that. I'm letting them be. Second of all, I don't know if I believe you, but.

Nothing good happens in bushes. They're doing witchcraft in the bushes. Wink. That's. Um. So it had nothing to do with any real danger, only the fact that my partner's religion was a problem for him. Innkeeper Boy is quite a creative writer.

No other guest threatened to check out where would they even go at that hour and why. Another ridiculous lie, he threatened to call a fire department about two charcoal briquettes. I told him they'd laugh in his face and he said he would enjoy it. They also lost my credit card info and sent me someone else's bill. The innkeeper might know a lot about Broadway show tunes but he's clueless about running a business. End of review. I don't know. I don't have an answer. I don't have it. I will say, Izzy who sent

this in was like, we even, when we went there, we like kind of hinted at some Broadway show tunes and the guy had no clue what they were talking about. So no no confirmation, no additional detail this person thought that their witchcraft learned that about they're like oh I'm gonna learn about this person they've seen wicked before they were like oh I know and what the fuck were they talking about then nothing they don't know what the fuck's going on either do I just try to get to the bottom of this I've already moved on okay guess it's my turn here's a review of the National Mall, one star.

Oh, the H-E double hockey sticks, can this be our National Mall? Why does it even have a sunglass hut? And the reviews. I knew it, I fucking knew it. As you started, I was like, it's gonna be about either a hot topic or, yeah, yeah. Look, something about DC brings out the fucking idiots.

I love it. Like it's really people who just are trying to be funny and I'm gonna assume they're mostly not from here. And I'm saying that because I have a group of people that might be from here. So it's all those tourists, am I right, folks? Yeah, totally. Yeah, those losers, yeah.

It's all those dumb college kids who come here from Ohio and wear boat shoes. Couldn't be us. They probably play competitive table tennis. That's a real thing Alexander did at the George Washington University. And I had an assignment, this is not a joke, I had an assignment, this is not a joke, I had an assignment in my journalism program

at American University that was supposed to cover sports journalism and I thought, I don't want to do that and so I said, I think ping pong counts. I don't care. So I went to his tournament and filmed. The University of Maryland. Yep, and I filmed this big ping pong,

sorry, table tennis tournament. I was gonna have a talking to with you after the show, but I'm glad you corrected it now. Our dad's gonna call me tomorrow and be like, Alexander told me you said... the double P word. He would. I've been scolded so many times about that. And she still doesn't learn. You know I do it now to just bother you.

Yeah, okay. So anyway, I did this whole project, and then I got an A-. I know. You know why? Because Rob. Are you here? No. My professor, Rob, he was cool, so we called him Rob. Um... He was cool, so we called him Rob. He was like, this has too much of a narrative arc.

It's supposed to just be about sports. And I was like, I'm telling a fucking story. Have you seen 30 in 30? What does that thing, 30 on? 30 under 30? No. Sorry, cut that out. 30? 30 for 30. Have you seen 30 for 30 under 30 no sorry cut that out 30 30 for 30 have you seen 30 for 30 that's what I'm doing here honestly kind of it was so dramatic so we're gonna have the projector no it's literally somewhere unlisted on YouTube you had

like these we should take us for interviews to the side. Yeah. And it would be me like, oh, like yeah. He was so. Neil's not taking it very seriously. Like I, you know, I think he's really talented but he's just not focused. You guys, the fucking character arc. Neil was such a, like a goofball.

He was so funny and I'm like, man, you just gotta focus up. But then guess what, guess what, I interviewed him and he was like, I just feel like my team's really disappointed in me. And Sandy's really disappointed in me. And... Okay, he didn't call me out. I don't think he knew my name.

I don't think anyone did back then. Your name wasn't even Sandy back then. No, no. That's why I changed it. Because of this. Fresh start, I needed it. Speaking of a YouTube video that had seven views, that's why you changed it?

Because of my cool... No, I meant all of my time in DC. Anyway, it was a great film, great work of art. I cannot believe we're talking about that. It's your turn, isn't it? I have no clue. Looking for a path to accelerate your career? Clear direction for next level success? In a

place that is innovative and practical? A path to stay current and connected to industry? A place where you can be yourself? You will find it at York University School of Continuing Studies where we offer career programs purpose built for you. Visit continue.yorku.ca. ["Presidential Limo"] This is a review, okay, this was sent in by Michelle and Andy. It's of a, okay, it's of Presidential Limo DC, which is like a limo service here.

Now, do you remember? For the president, okay, probably. Could you imagine if that had Yelp reviews? I'd be delighted, but this might be even worse. I don't know. Do you remember that one? I forget where it was. Salt Lake or somewhere. The yellow cab reviews. And I think, I don't know if you remember what that yellow cab Yelp page had as a rating, average rating. It was pretty low.

It's like 1.8 or something. It was pretty low, yeah. This one, this company has a 1.1 on Yelp. Shit. I have never. Shit. Never seen a company with like dozens of reviews with a 1.1 average on Yelp.

That's bad, I mean. Tremendous, remarkable. I don't have to tell you all, but that's not great. That's not good. Unbelievable. Here's their, like, so the other thing about them is, this is all alleged. I don't know why I'm knocking on wood.

That's not, that's not a legal protection, I don't think. Cross your fingers, I don't know what's good. What's the legal thing you can do? Throw some salt over my shoulder or something. No, I will say this is all alleged, but they have been accused many times of changing their name a little bit and then like starting a new Yelp page or like a new Google business so that it's like oh they're like not affiliated with... presidential limousine limousine and I

found all of them right and they're all pretty good. POTUS limousine. POTUS. So here is I just want to show Zandy here the- Just me. Well, the Yelp banner. Because I couldn't even begin to understand why this is their banner, like on- What the fuck? I'm sorry.

Do you want me to describe what I'm looking at? Just explain it, just explain it. There are three photos. The first photo is a stock photo of a limousine driver with a little hat and a super sexy guy oh yeah like he looks like he's like out of like a chip and Dale's buddy has like a hat on you can he would tug at this and it would come right off and you start dancing it's definitely like a velcro thing yeah

absolutely and then the next two photos are the same And it's a high heel on the floor with a diamond engagement ring on the heel. It's like a stiletto, right? It's like a Louboutin. It's like a red bottom. And it's like a ring slipped onto the heel part. For the life of me. And by the way, I'm more.

And it says there are 300 some photos. Is that what I just read? Why? And those two are on there? On their banner? Is it just 300 more? Oh my God. It might just be that same photo.

What the fuck is that? Well, there were probably like three photos they didn't want to be featured. 300 photos they didn't want featured? No, like three photos they didn't want featured. So they added like 300 of the same stock image so that that would get pushed to the bottom. Yeah.

The evidence. Bury the evidence. I'm telling you, I will be, I'm never usually this bold or brazen, but I will guarantee right now, I've never, nobody knows this company as well as I do after reading. Probably 170 reviews of it like I've learned every employee by the way most of them are one guy who

changes his name a lot not even kidding what the fuck and I cannot tell you why their featured photograph is a Louboutin with an engagement ring on it no idea seems totally irrelevant I just felt it had to be mentioned. Yeah, it feels important enough where we have to discuss it. Yeah. So then I went to the Better Business Bureau. And I did this because in the owner responses, which is a thing that they're kind of known, not known for, well, in my own head, they're known for this.

I don't think they're really known for much at all. But to me, they're known for their owner responses, which are like very volatile, like very racist, very problematic, like so out of control, bizarre. And a lot of them said, this is slander. We have an A on the Better Business Bureau. And I was like, they're just lying. Like they're just, because they have an A on the Better Business Bureau and I was like, they're just lying.

Like they're just, because they have an F. Oh my god. They don't even have like a C, they have an F. And I'm like, how do you even just say, this is slander, we have an A. Because they stopped sending the checks in to the Better Business Bureau. Pretty sure it's a pay to play type thing. I don't think that's like a... Well, they got an account on there because they have a lot to say in the responses to these complaints. So here's one.

This is a complaint from April of 2023. I rented a limo for my mom's 90th birthday to take us to a show and back home again on April. Sorry, it's tough when you start with a 90 year old woman and we're all like, this is a victim. We don't know what's gonna happen, but 1.1 on Yelp, this person went through something terrible and there's the fear that they did not survive it.

That advanced age. They're too fragile for a 1.1 star rated limousine. It makes me nervous, so. As it fucking should, you're correct. I got to, I needed to pause to prepare myself. Here we go. I rented a limo for my mom's 90th birthday to take us to a show and back home again

on April 23rd, 2023. Wasn't that the same date as the person at the, holy shit. Oh no, April 29th 29th okay six days later what person I don't even remember what do you talk about the one about the the fridge the fire in the bushes and then you were related you recall that one that I read unfortunately yeah okay a week before the event my credit card was charged nine hundred and ninety five dollars the person I booked with stated we would receive water and ice, but I could bring other drinks with us.

I called to confirm the day before the event, and the man I spoke to was rude and cussed me out, stating they were too busy in the warehouse to deal with customers. He then ended the conversation by telling me to fuck off and hung up on me. And I wanna add, like, on the Better Business Bureau, if you write a swear, they asterisk it so that like I have to guess what it says.

So this one's pretty clear. But some of them I'm like could be any could be anything could be any number of horrible slurs bad words nobody knows and they also do that if you use like a name or an address because they've been also accused of doxxing people who write rad reviews There was literally when I was like Cindy of Ocean City, Maryland on so-and-so place Okay He told me to fuck off and hung up on me I already paid for the limo and I didn't want to lose that money Anyway, he told me to fuck off and hung up on me.

I had already paid for the limo and I didn't want to lose that money, so I called back and apologized, though I'm not sure for what. To make sure they would show up the next day, I spoke to the same person who stated they were tired of people calling them rude. On the day of our event, the driver was rude and fussed at my 90-year-old dad who was hard of hearing.

He was so short with everyone. We asked him if he could put music on and he wouldn't. And all they provided were small bottles of very warm water. We all tried our best to be cordial and appreciative because we didn't want to be stranded in DC the way other people in reviews have indicated they were. Oh no. As I first started reading these, I was like, oh my God, I have to bring one of these

where they're stranded on the side of the road. And then it got boring. But they're so boring now. I'm like, I read so many where they're like, I'm gonna stranded on the highway. And I'm like, so did everyone. Join the fucking club. Like call me when something interesting happens.

Yeah, for real. There was one, I'm not even kidding, I don't think I brought it, but they were like, they drove off with our friend still in the van. Oh my God. Like he's like. I think that's called kidnapping. No, literally.

I could be wrong. And the amount of times the police become involved and people like upload a police report to Google. I mean, it's unlike, I tell you, it's unlike anything I've ever seen before. And this place is still around like 2023. Well, it's probably called like Limosaras DC or, you know. Yeah.

Whatever. Okay. There's someone in the audience who's like, man, that, or whatever. Okay. There's someone in the audience is like, man, that's my company. Weird. We don't do that. Lemos are us, DC. We didn't want to be stranded in DC

the way other people were. I didn't reach back out to the company for any type of resolution because I believe the person who cussed me out is the owner or manager and I certainly didn't want to be cussed out again. Well, too late, it's gonna happen in five seconds. Sorry. And in looking at other reviews for this company they are not a good company and something should be done about them. They took what should

have been a great evening and ruined it for all of us. End of review. I don't even know if we should do positive music for the response. I, yes. We do need to. I almost thought, not a joke, I almost thought of bringing like a beep because there's so many asterisks. I don't even know, like, like, so she calls, he calls this person by name and it's all starred out.

So I'm just gonna make up a name, I guess. Okay. And just make up curse words as you go. I love it. I mean, that one's a little easier. Like mad lib, like I can kind of guess, you know? And I'm sorry, there's swears in this. What the fuck?

I'm so sorry. Oh, half the crowd just stood up to leave. Content warning. Yeah. Oh. Rose is nothing but a pathetic liar and a waste in this society. Shh. Oh, that's nothing, my friends.

I can't even believe she's wasting our time with all her stupidity. Here are the real facts. One, of course this stupid woman was charged because she made the reservation. Two, no one cursed at this lousy and lying woman. Three, ice and bottled water was supplied and it is automatic in every job. Four, she received the guaranteed white limo that we charge an extra $100 for for free. Five, she called back and apologized for her rudeness. No one needs to be rude with us as we have a zero tolerance policy for that. That goes one way though. Yeah. Oh. Oh yeah yeah yeah for sure for sure.

Six. Passenger has all the control for the music. The Bluetooth was already set up and all they had to do was connect it. Connecting it is not the driver's job. Seven. Her stupid father opened the door while the limo was still in motion. I'm curious. He's like, he's 91. I just feel so sad. The mother is 90. She said he's 91 and hard of hearing. Oh, he's 91? Oh, we found out that father's age too. Oh, he fussed at my 90-year-old, sorry, my 90-year-old dad who was hard of hearing. Oh, how old's the mom? The mom is... It was her 90th birthday, so they're like the same age. Oh, okay, wow. Okay, then he opened the door.

Oh, no. I mean, I would have also opened the door and jumped out. Weird, open? Sorry, it seems like this is like the least surprising... 90 years online, on this earth, it's time. I've seen enough. It's time. I think it was like I've seen it all like this is like the least surprising. 90 years on this earth, it's time. I've seen enough. He was like, I've seen it all at this point. This is the end.

I'm in the presidential limo, it's time. Okay. Her stupid father opened the door while the limo was still in motion. Of course any driver would get mad after he explicitly explained the rules to them. Maybe they should have put the old fuck somewhere else. Oh. the rules to them. Maybe they should have put the old fuck somewhere else. And not by the door.

Eight. This stupid woman is a total liar, a trash, and a waste of time. According to our driver, they had a great time. The partition was up the whole time it was great. They were having a blast. Nine. He had our top chauffeur and unfortunately some dumb ass people can't see the value because they are not used to having such a luxurious professional service. 10. This stupid bitch should also go back and read our five-star reviews. Wait, do they exist? Oh yeah, but they're for sure all fake. I read them and I was like,

Do they exist? Oh yeah, but they're for sure all fake. I read them and I was like, it was like, I'm a professional and I love to use this company for all of my professional needs. And I was like, uh-huh. Meanwhile, in reality, it's like proms in 90 year olds. Yeah, for real. It's like people going out to like party bus,

wedding stuff, you know, yeah. What kind of professional goes anywhere in a limo as a professional? What does that mean? One of them was like, I'm an administrative assistant to a very high up professional. And I was like, no, you're not.

Why would you write a Yelp review about that? It's so weird. Okay. 11. Sorry, we're not for every old fart. 12. People like her should go to hell. End of her songs. I mean, and I'm just telling you, like, again,

that was, like, one out of just probably hundreds I read. I just was like, that's a good, like, middle of the road for you guys to understand, like, the vibe of this place. That was middle of the road? Yeah, because there were some I thought, I cannot say these things out loud. Yeah. They're so bad. Like at least I can call someone an old fart, you know. I think you called them something else too. I know. I didn't call them anything. To be clear.

Kind of. Indirectly. Oh my god. Well I have a review of a bar that no longer exists called Brass Monkey. I've been there. You have? Oh, everyone's like, yeah duh, everyone's been there. It was in Adams Morgan, and when I Googled it, it says, 11 bars that actual adults should probably avoid. And I have a review of it.

I wish I hadn't said anything. But don't worry. Around what year were you hanging out there? It's not here. Because this was written in 2015, so. I'm too old for that, not then. Are you sure? I graduated college in 2011, so yeah, I was not here. No, you didn't.

December, 2000. Don't say no. Who are you? Mom? I graduated high school in 2011. Oh yeah, you're right, that's wrong. Whoever said no, you were right, yeah, yeah. Okay, I was questioning my sanity for a moment there. 2012, I'm sorry, 2012, December 2012.

You graduated high school in 2009, so, okay, whatever. December 2012. Oh graduated high school in 2010, nine, so, okay, whatever. December 2012. Oh, did you graduate early? I moved straight back to Oax. Oh, smart cookie, okay, my bad. I got dumped in the airport on my way home and I never returned until now. Ha ha!

She's fine. She's fine. First of all, who are you colluding with this person over here who seems to know my whole fucking life? Yeah, they know more than you do. Here's a five-star review of a place she used to go. Five stars. Anyone who doesn't like this place is most likely a pretentious asshat who enjoys blogging about their gluten-free paleo diet.

Brass is gross, dirty, and shameless. It smells like someone booted in each corner 40 years ago, and they never cleaned up. The staff isn't going to S-your-D making small talk. Oh. Yeah. I'm so sorry to interrupt. No, now's a good time. I actually regret it,

because I know that means you're gonna have to say that sentence again. I do. I didn't finish the sentence, so yeah. Okay, you guys stop listening for a moment. What is, what is, what is booted? I believe it's like throw, throw up. Throw, if you, right? You booted, you threw up? Yeah. Oh, okay. That's not so bad. No, yeah.

I thought it was like something like really wild. We should have said something. Whoever said yeah, like we should have worked together to say something fucking crazy. I would have believed you, it's so sad. The staff isn't going to S your D making small talk. They're too busy getting people housed to have time for that malarkey.

The crowd is 30% white college, parentheses G-W kids. 65% white yuppies who are trying to relive their days as white college kids. And 5% the aforementioned token minority friends. But it's also one of the few bars in Adams Morgan, if not all of DC, that is guaranteed to be packed on a Friday or Saturday night,

even during off weekends during the holidays or bad weather. If you haven't gotten laid since the Bush administration, grass is your slump buster. If you just got fired from your job on the hill, which didn't pay you shit to begin with, and wanna black out for under $40? Brass is your mecca. If you're a girl born in 1988

or a proud product of an all-male education and want to take over the dance floor and belt out Jeannie in a bottle with your bros, Brass is your stage. Tinder, Hinge, fuck that shit. Just go to Brass and knock back seven $3 Bud Lights and four or five $4.50 shots of Kentucky Gentleman. Then let the crowd witness the textbook game working

that will surely ensue. Or strike out and crush Jumbo Slice next door. Also a good move. End of review. I am very glad you said you went there before I started that review. That's where you and your ex met, right? Yeah, I fucking wish we met in high school. Middle school. Oh. Gross. Gross. He went to Georgetown. Boo. He did. Oh. Oh. Gross. Gross. He went to Georgetown.

Boo. Boo. Oh, that wasn't as strong as I would hope. One time. Thank you. Shit. Say it. Oh, we got a story.

Which story is it? Here's the thing. I've recently developed eczema and I've noticed every time I get like really anxious and like do my anxiety sweat, it just gets so much worse. So tomorrow I'm just gonna be covered in hives. I mean, what about right now? I know, no, it's like bad.

But... One time... In band camp. One time at American University, basically band camp, who are we kidding? When I was dating Brandi... Buh! Buh! Eh!

Eh! Eh! At Georgetown, he, on April Fool's Day, made a fake letter saying he was transferring to American. And I was like, what? Why? And he was like, because I want to be closer to you. And then he's like, haha,

I would never fucking move from Georgetown. he was like, cause I wanna be like closer to you. And then he's like, haha, I would never fucking move from Georgia. It was like really mean. Like looking back, I'm like, that was very cruel. Like. Okay, to be fair, Tenly Ton, what is there to do over there? Come on. It took me like two hours to get to you.

And then we played some board games, which was always fun. But then I'd be like, how the fuck do I get home in the middle of the night? You just don't. The Megabus. The Megabus. What did we even do before Uber? Oh God, the Megabus, obviously.

I have another review of the presidential limo service. We should have called them to bring you home. I've been stalling, I've been stalling. I knew it's coming. I can't believe I said that. I'm nervous. I did this last I said that. I'm nervous. I did this last year too. I remember.

I remember I talked about. Oh. I talked about. Yeah, keep pouring. Is that enough you think? Okay. No, it's okay. I mean, no, obviously I'm trying to keep up appearances.

It's a good start. Our manager is here. Oh yeah. Yeah. True. Here's a one-star review. This is a five-star. Oh, it's weird. It's so weird. Yeah, it's so weird.

We reached out to book a car service for four adults and four children. After confusion regarding booking, including whether we'd be able to properly install car seats, we had given our credit card and received a verbal understanding that the reservation was active. We had an extremely distressing and verbally abusive discussion with a member of the staff.

He did not give his name. He screamed at me repeatedly while I was in the car with my children, called me a liar, and told me they would not put up with any bullshit screaming at the top of his lungs. He also said they had a recording of me, and I kept asking what he was talking about, as the statements he was saying made no sense. He kept screaming at me and then hung up.

This company has charged me $1,750, and I have no idea if they are planning to honor the contract after this episode end of review Here's the response Okay, there's two responses from I know okay, so that was written December 3rd 2022 and here's a response from January 4th, 2023 What was your New Year's resolution to be kinder to the customers? Because why don't you determine that for yourself?

I'll find out in a sec, you're right. This job was already completed and they all had a great time. We have no idea what this is all about. End of response. So yeah, the resolution was in play. This secondary response is from January 17th of 2023, so they really lost all their motive to keep it going. Their goodwill was used up. No, it's not.

This woman seems to be having some kind of a mental issue. Oh my god. After listening to her recording when she plays The Call to Us, was out of this world. It was super difficult to deal with her and she was very hard to please. The question she was asking made no sense whatsoever. Like how to put a car seat in. Oh my god what? The services were fully rendered and everyone was happy. As you can see per her attached agreement the charge is only $1250. How the heck she came up with 1,750? As mentioned, she has some kind of a mental issue and she is not normal.

Do you know why she is aloof and not normal? The date of the service was December 3rd, 2022 and we didn't receive her complaint until December 18th, 2022. She clearly needs major help or a psychological evaluation. But I'm like, you responded three weeks after you already responded. I don't know. I don't understand the logic, but... It's like a takes one to know one kind of thing. 100%.

Like, they can say all this because they are the same way. They're terrible. But this person... Okay, I don't know. Thank you so much. I'm trying to bring logic into whoever the fuck this guy is, or multiple people? Oh yeah, no, he has a lot of names. 11 names? No, maybe 11.

Sunny was one, Ahmed was another one. I think MJ, or some initials. I don't think we should be revealing this, because I'm always. They're not real! There's no way these names are even real. I'm scared of this person. I'm very scared of this person you can't reach me what did you say you can't reach me you can't come up here they could have they didn't they didn't thank God here I was like but I'm not very fast which was true I wouldn't

have been able to get out if they wanted wanted to get me, they would have gotten me. You did clarify. If you try, I'm very slow. So you'll probably outpace me. It's true. My next one, so DC has a lot of, like, the DC area has a lot of great. What?

A lot of great what? A lot of great. Fill in the blank. Media. You got like the Exorcist stairs, you know, that's classic. What? Media companies? No, but what are you? Media. Media stuff. Things that come out. The Exorcist stairs, you know, that's classic. What? Media companies? You don't know about the Exorcist?

No, but what are you... Media, media stuff, things that come out of the... How is that media stuff? It's a thing in the media. It's a movie. Movie is part of media. Look, it's my... This is my segue into one of the best pieces of media. I've never watched this in my life. Brandon used to wake up at 4.30 and the exorcist stairs, like, 14 times.

Red flag, red flag, red flag. Red flag. Yeah, I believe it, though. Well, this is a review of the real housewives of Potomac. Shut the fuck up. Talk about a media, whatever you said, media conglomerate. I didn't say that. I'm not sure what I said, but I said, media conglomerate. I didn't say that.

I'm not sure what I said, but I'm pretty sure it's not that. Anyway, here's a two-star review. I don't even know who these people are they're talking about, but I love it. Here we go. I'm already excited. Bless the ungodly hearts of Robin and Giselle. Now I beseech you, brethren, mark them which cause divisions

and offenses contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned and avoid them. For they that are such serve not the Lord Jesus Christ but their own belly, and by good words and fair speeches deceive the hearts of the simple. To learn the doctrine you must read the gospel in the Bible and believe the word. Wendy's pain was truly seen however. The only friend in life is Jesus Christ, then God. Understand the elevation. Most of the housewives don't believe in God, much less Jesus Christ. They serve a master called Money. Read Matthew chapters one through six. End of review. Look, you had your hundreds of weird limo service reviews.

I read, it wasn't that many, but I read all the reviews I could find of the real housewives of Potomac. And what the fuck? Why are people putting this much energy into this? I, okay, every time you do this, and don't, and hear me correctly, he does this a lot, like reads these weird,

like pontificating. Yeah, it's so much fun for me. And it's so scary. I have a crowd, I can do that. Because he's so good at it, like, and I hate to say that, but like, he gets so into it, and like it's like really scary for me.

Look, when you really, truly believe something like that, like I do, it's gonna come from the heart. I feel the passion in your speech. Passion of the Christ. It's true. Anyway. I have a review of Yellow Cab of DC. We're switching it up to a different car service.

I read this one. You could have like Air B. I love your, or not even Air B, Bed and Breakfast, the, what was that, Inn, some weird? The Extended Stay America? The Dangling Child. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And I love these car services.

The car services, they really give you a feel for a town. Yeah. This is a review of Yellow Cab of DC. I did read this last year, but I felt it fit with the theme that I brought to the table. Oh, no. That's not good. Also, I didn't realize this until now,

unless I said this last year, which is entirely possible, because I probably forgot. But this person's username is WindowsUser. So I'm like, how long ago did they make a Yelp account that it filled in WindowsUser? I don't know. But they've only ever written one review, and it's of Yellow Cab of DC.

And it's one, or sorry, two stars, two stars. Yellow Cab are rubbish, completely rubbish. I was on a holiday in Washington, DC DC and I didn't know where I was. All I knew is I was beside the White House. I rang 1-800-TAXICAB. Press 1 for a taxi and press 3 for a yellow cab. I would give 1-800-TAXICAB 10 out of 5 for service. Yes, 10 out of 5, not 5 out of 10.

I got through to operator number 169. I asked for a cab. These were her words. Hello, this is not a taxi service, you bitch. Pfft. Pfft. Parentheses hang up. She was so rude.

When I rang back, I was connected to number 174. She was so kind and helpful. What? But she said she had to go. Laughter My supervisor's yelling down the hall telling me to get off the phone. What is...what? She said she's so nice, but she had to go. She had to go. No taxi today. What the fuck?

So she connected me back to number 169. When I told her my name and said that I was outside the White House, she said, You bitch! I suggest you stop playing with the telephone, you motherfucker. Before I come to the White House and shit on top of you and the president's head. I don't know if it was just number 169 that harasses people or just 174 that is kind to people. I give two stars because of 174, who was so very kind. I didn't hear, if I hadn't heard from her,

this would only be a one-star review. And boo-boo. Wow. Yeah. It's been lovely chatting, but I've gotta go. What? Let me put you on with my coworker. She's a delight, don't worry. She's a delight. How does this happen?

Okay, so my guess is that she's like, where can we pick you up? And she's like, the White House. And they're like, okay, ha ha, very funny. Like it's a prank. Because then she calls back, she's like, I suggest you stop playing with the phone. You motherfucker, that part I can't explain.

I can't. But believe it or not, the White House is a place in DC. playing with the phone. You motherfucker, that part I can't explain. I can't. Believe it or not, the White House is a place in DC. Well, they didn't know to call the presidential limo service. See, that's the thing is they have a monopoly on that area. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's, mm, you have no choice. Yeah, no go.

So let's do a couple more. You got one more? Just let go. I'll do one more and then my finale. OK. I guess since I'm here, this is a... You don't want me to do my one more, then your one more. Oh, you do one more. I do one more, you do one more, then I do the finale.

If you must. If I must. I'll do this one. Everyone was waiting for this one. This is a review of a P.F. Chang's in Columbia, Maryland. See? Holy shit, they were waiting for it. I know. I heard the rumblings. Remarkable how you knew that.

Yeah, I did. Five stars. Here we go. My waiter was crying softly, but I pretended not to notice so she wouldn't be embarrassed. End of review. But I had to write about it somewhere telling you the fucking weirdest reviews in this area but also like so weirdly sad and relatable like I probably walked up to an Auntie Anne's pretzel or a Cinnabon at the airport

after I got dumped by and was like hello and probably like, oh, we're just gonna pretend. I feel like DC's one of those places where you just gotta groan and bear it. A lot of tears, yeah, a lot of tears in this town. Or was that just us? I don't know. I learned what depression was here. It took me some months to figure out what was going on.

Took a lot of visits to the student health center. No, because I tried and they said, oh you need to set up a phone interview and I said I am terribly afraid to do that. So I never did. Yeah. So I cried instead. Yeah. And then left the country. No, he literally flew to Europe for six months. I did not get better. Yeah. First of all, I could have told you that wasn't going to help to live with our grandfather for six months, but you do you.

Choices were made. Regrets. I already tried to warn you away from Washington, DC, and you came here anyway. This is a review, and this was also sent in by Jer, the star of tonight, this is a review, and this was also sent in by Jer, the star of tonight. Uh, this is a review of The White House.

I did read this last year, but if we're doing one more, this is just so fucking stupid, this review. I don't know why I'm reading it. I think that would be true for everything I read tonight, so... All right, I need you to just... Yeah. What star? Give me some Havre de Grasse. Some Grasse.

Just let me do this. You're gonna be like, why would you read that? It's just so stupid. It's of the White House, one star. Smells of ground earthworms and salted caramel. Oh, yeah. Oh. Kind of reminds me of my father, Becker. Oh, yeah. Oh. Kind of reminds me of my father, Beckard.

Yeah. He had an earthworm farm before the divorce. And he always had a piece of caramel in his mouth. Oh. Rumor has it he used to snack on the worms as he'd work. Anyway, last year, he sold a used 1997 Honda Civic to the wrong guy, and now he's trapped in the volunteer state for good. Sometimes I miss him, but sometimes I remember when he threw my brother off that bridge.

Wait. Hold on! Sometimes I miss him, but sometimes I remember when he threw my brother off that bridge. Wait. Hold on. The bridge. The red string. I think they wrote about that. The dangling child. Ah! It's all coming together.

Da da da da. It's Uncle Bekard. Sometimes I miss him, sometimes I remember when he threw my brother off of that bridge, and I'm glad he's gone. But most importantly, the White House sucks. They won't even let me in. One star. End of review.

The photos included, there's one of a shark, a humanoid shark going grocery shopping. Confirmed. That's exactly how I just got that. And there's another one of what looks to be a couple from the 1980s in a pair of bathrobes. Like you say, nuclear family. Yeah, nuclear family, white parents. And they're opening the door and there's like a purse,

they're like opening the door and there's a head there with a rat in its brain. It's like Ratatouille, but the rat is inside the head. The rat has like a little computer system and then the caption is, y'all know where I can get some fucking cheese? That's why I said, just let me read this. I don't know why.

I don't know. I just, I couldn't not. And last year I read it and all our German cousins were here. And I feel like I'm just a masochist. I guess I have to do it again. I don't know. I don't know. I have no explanation. Dearist, I guess I have to do it again. I don't know, I don't know. I have no explanation.

Dear God, what just happened? So that brings us to our finale, unfortunately. And we like to end our shows with a review of the lovely venue that hosted us, because, but don't worry, it's five stars. We like coming back. See, we made it back, because we didn't read a shitty review last year.

For now. For now. For now. So here's a five star review of the DC Improv. One of the best comedy clubs in the country. Great sound, awesome staff, there aren't any bad seats, and most important, they booked some of the best comedians from all around the world.

Oh my gosh. Who think they're talking about us? I think they were, wow. Amazing, of course. That's why I picked it, yeah. If you love laughing, then go here. But if you only like to smile, then go somewhere else. End of review.

That's a weird thing to say. That's... People in the audience who are just smiling, we're like, ugh, I'm not invited back. If you only like to smile, go to the Brass Monkey, where we're all having a meetup after this show. I don't know. I can't handle that. It's like I've never even been there, where we're all having a meetup after this show. What? No.

I can't... I can't handle that. It's like I've never even been there, so I wouldn't know. I can't relive... You can't relive your college glory days if they never existed. That's my problem. Ha-ha.

Holy shit. So I gotta make new glory day moments tonight at the Brass Monkey. That's so deep. No, no. My new glory days are performing in front of you, lovely people. Let's go with that. No? No?

Yeah. Yeah. That was... Smooth. Awkward. Anyway, thank you, DC, for having us. We love you so much. We appreciate you.

Thank you so much for coming. Thank you. And thank you. And thank you for coming having us. We love you so much. We appreciate you. Thank you. Thank you. And thank you for coming two times, if you came two times. And hopefully we'll make it a, what do you call it? A triple decker. A hat trick. Something like that. We can't wait to triple decker with you next year. Yeah! you next year.