Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 100 - Your Host's Hundredth Episode

Episode Date: August 20, 2023

Mike Wozniak, Susan Harrison, Tom Crowley, Gemma Arrowsmith  and Lucy Farrett join in this month as your host celebrates his hundredth episode. Also thanks to Linnea Sage, Amy Mason, Matthew Crosby, Josie Long, Stevie Martin, Natasha Hodgson and Chris Cantrill. TICKET LINK FOR LIVE SHOW AT LONDON PODCAST FESTIVAL ON SEPTEMBER 16 2023:Live-stream tickets: https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/comedy/online-streaming-beef-and-dairy Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.com Music credit courtesy of epidemicsound.com:Turning Strings Into Hawsers / Christian AndersenGone Before You Know / RiverwornSad For Now / Claude SIgnetQuarks In The Cosmos / Grant NewmanChronicles Of A Mystic Dream / Grant Newman

Hello, just a little content warning at the beginning for gun violence and excellent comedy podcasting. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is sponsored by Milk 7000 Quantum Edition, the new milking system from Mitchell's. If it's not Mitchell's, get back in the truck. The world's fastest milking machine just got faster. For the first time using quantum technology rejected by NASA, a cow can be completely deconstructed on a molecular level, turned inside out, squeezed dry by the patented rubber buffering arms, and reassembled all in the blink of an eye, with only a small risk of catastrophic fire.

For 10% off the installation cost of a Milk 7000 Quantum Edition system in your dairy, simply use the code MILKMYMOLECULES. Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved or just interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website, as well as the printed magazine, brought to you by the Milk 7000 Quantum Edition. Now, this episode is my hundredth as host of the show after I took over from former presenter Paul Kitesworthy. Yes, it's a milestone, but I don't want to make a big deal out of it. I'm looking forward to this evening where there

is a gala dinner taking place in my honour at the Montgolfier Golf Hotel and Golf Course and Golf Course. How much of the gravy did you drink? We need to pump out the gravy. I'm of course looking forward to the food. For the main course, guests can choose between Steak Alley Garden Centre or Beef Houses of Parliament, which will of course be followed by the Trout Course. There will also be a bottomless tripe fountain, a frozen milk luge and entertainment from the brass band of the RNLI.

Of course, with the RNLI, there is usually the danger that the brass band will be called away to sea at any moment, but I've slipped them each an extra tenner, and they've said they'll turn off their mobile phones. Can you hear me? How much gravy did you drink? Hello, hello, what's your name? Do you have a name, sir? We need to know how much gravy you've drunk. So for today's show, obviously we thought about doing a sort of tribute show filled with well-wishing messages, an inspirational montage of my best moments, maybe a high-profile guest to talk about the impact that my work has had on the beef and dairy industries. But myself and the team behind the show decided that the best tribute to the past 100 episodes would be to carry on with our laser-focused mission

to cover the latest news from the beef and dairy industries. I'm going to stop you there. Oh, sorry. Really? I'm just recording the intro. Yeah, I know, but happy 100 to you. Happy 100 to you. Happy 100 to you. Look, we did have a meeting about this and we said we weren't going to do any special stuff. I know, but I feel like, you know,

you never celebrate yourself. And I thought it'd be really nice just to kind of be happy about what you've achieved over the past 100 months. That's actually really nice. That's actually really nice. Okay, you're welcome. So yeah, open the box in front of you.

Oh, I'd wondered what this was okay um oh you've got okay just so the listener understands what's happening um you've bought me a lovely looking cake yeah that's so nice um just so the listener understands kind of what's happening here um you don't normally get to to hear this what you're hearing is uh one of the team just to paint the picture we're in the studio and she's behind the glass talking to me over the talkback system um she's been there for the past hundred episodes as well yeah loving it and maybe it's time to give you a bit of a shout out oh thank you that's that's so nice um yeah well so so I just want to say it's just been an honour, past 100 episodes. I've loved it.

And also for their listener at home, to let them know that the cake is actually a beef tort. Oh. Yeah. Oh, nice. Right. So it's, well, this cake is actually made of of beef yeah yeah beef yeah yeah honestly it's amazing what you can do these days with milled beef flour and then sorry did you say

did you say milled beef flour yeah yeah yeah yeah it's a really interesting process actually it's like once you've got all the meat that you can off the you know off the animal it's like the remaining bits of meat from the carcass and they kind of scrape it all off dry it in a kiln and um it creates this really like beautiful flower so yeah and we've also got a hundred candles on top which took ages but uh you're worth it you know so anyway um i guess i guess the idea is that i'm gonna light yeah okay yeah yeah let's go yeah so cute wow it's um

it's really kicking off some heat that um oh yeah yeah that's deliberate. So the idea is that the heat from the candles crisps up the top layer of beef. Right. Oh, yeah. Sorry, I meant to say also they're edible tallow candles. Wow, yeah. Look, it's quite a lot of fumes. Oh, hang on. And that's quite a lot of flame, isn't it? Yeah, hang on. Actually, I think this is getting out of hand.

Don't panic. That's too much fire. Oh, my God, it's a tearing beefcake conferno. Okay, okay, that shouldn't be happening. I thought we had a sprinkler system. It's going to kick in any second. Oh my God, the sprinklers are firing out hot gravy. Oh God.

Hot gravy! That's not right. That's not right. We tested the Milk 7000 Quantum Edition against the world's fastest man, Usain Bolt. And while our patent-pending quantum technology milked a thousand cattle in under five minutes, it took Mr. Bolt almost 20 minutes to milk a single cow, and he was repeatedly kicked in the face. Order today and I'll send you the video. For 10% off the installation cost of a Milk 7000 Quantum Edition system in your dairy,

simply use the code on your marks, get set, milk. Right, you'll edit around that bit when the studio's on fire and I'm being showered by love hot gravy, will you? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, honestly, don't worry. And I'm so sorry. The beef tallow candles kind of created a fat explosion, didn't they? They did.

They did create a fat explosion. Yeah. Which I was absolutely at the epicenter of so i know i'm but but you know you did look you did look really really like fit weirdly oh yeah yeah wow suited you well like a kind of action hero sort of like coming out of the flame that kind of thing yeah sort of yeah flame, that kind of thing. Yeah, sort of. Yeah. Yeah, you kind of look like Steven Seagal. Wow. Yeah. I'm taking that as a compliment. It is one.

Right, we better get on with it. So, okay. So, this month, I spoke... Oh, I was thinking, do you want to maybe introduce me, like, to the listeners? Oh, yeah. Because that would be really nice, I sort of have, but I guess... Okay, shall I do it? I'm the producer of the Beef and Dairy Network. Listeners, this is Beverly, and she's... It's like you're introducing me to your parents, isn't it?

Anyway. Yeah, so this is Beverly, and she's one of the team um but you can say my real name now sorry what my name is not beverly is it so but sadie no susan Sadie? No. Susan? No. Joyce? Tessa? Yeah, right. No, come on.

Okay, that is funny, but you can say my real name now. Jonathan Tonzano. Kyla. My name's Kyla. Jonathan Tonzano kyla yeah jonathan tonzano kyla you know it is no no i'm joking it's all a big joke i said yes kyla of course sorry i was joking i was joking jonathan tonzano anyway um like i know we've done the whole cake thing well i have um but i just i wanted to do something even more special for the hundred no we we said we're just doing a normal episode we just said we're doing a normal episode yeah so anyway this did take quite a lot of work but i've managed to line up a huge interview oh right okay um who is it well i

want you to guess so um we've talked about this person before as being like the big one, and they finally agreed to do an interview over the phone. Oh my God. Mm-hmm. No. Mm-hmm. Sir Douglas Chope, the inventor of the cordless afterbirth vacuum. No.

But Lee Spikes, the pioneer of overhand milking. No. Not Pauline Tuckshop. No. Not Dr. Pop Sandringham and his singing pig topsham no bigger guest than all of them actually or maybe not bigger than topsham he is amazing okay so bigger than or equally as big as a pig that can sing and moonwalk um no you did you didn't get no yeah former german chancellor angela merkel

sorry i swear i just need a moment so she's got like a brand new towel and she's agreed to reveal the details of the new town exclusively on the Beef and Dairy Network. Oh, God. I bet it's a really huge, like, bath sheet, you know, probably Egyptian cotton, or actually, no, maybe something more patriotic, like a sort of German reed weave. Yeah. Okay, okay, she should be on the line for you now.

I'm just putting her through. Okay, hello, Angela, or should I say former Chancellor Merkel, Mrs Merkel, Your Highness, Your Honour, no, that's judges. Frau Merkel? Mrs. Merkel? Your Highness? Your Honor? No, that's judges. Frau?

Super Frau? Hello? I can't hear anything. Hang on. Oh, no. I think the cake's recombusting. It's recombusting! How has this been allowed to happen?

What is... How? Oh! Hot gravy! Using common household materials, can the Milk 7000 Quantum Edition be easily retrofitted into an experimental energy weapon? Yes. Does the instruction manual clearly show you how you can easily do this?

Also yes. Life is about decisions, and we can't make them for you. For 10% off the installation cost of a Milk 7000 Quantum Edition system in your dairy, simply use the code BEHOLD. I wield power beyond imagination, and nothing will stand in my way. I'm really sorry. I've got those candles that relight after you blow them out. I just, I thought it would be a fun party thing, but it's just a huge fire hazard, isn't it? No, no, I get it.

Those candles are fun. They are fun. That's the thing. Yeah. But it has caused a huge fire again, but the boiling hot gravy does seem to have put it out. So it's all right. Look, listen, is Angla still on the line?

No, I'm sorry. I don't think so. Let's play your recorded interview and try and get her back. Okay. So, we all remember where we were when former editor of the Beef and Dairy Network, Paul Kitesworthy, went missing. For example, I was in my living room trying to work out when it wasn't too early to ring and offer my services as a replacement. Then, in 2019, a body was found in Woodland. I say a body, it was just a head, lungs, liver and anus, which was identified as Paul's when the anus was sent off to Europol's ANAS,

the European Ano Notification and Analysis System. Last week, I caught up with the Chief Investigating Officer on Paul's disappearance, DCI Dexter Whatley, and also Paul's brother, Basil Kitesworthy, who over the past year has been trying to create something positive out of Paul's death. I started by asking Basil to explain what he's been doing. I felt the loss of my brother seismically. I don't think that's an exaggeration. And I felt the grief had obliterated me and any sort of life or agency I had. And after four years of that, one feels one's spirit eroded, rather. So I thought there should be

something more done to honour Paul and his work with the Beef and Dairy Network and elsewhere. So I decided what better way to honour Paul than to parade what we have left of him around the country ceremonially so that people could salute or sing to or shout at however they chose to worship a part of paul and i thought what more iconic element of paul to take out with us than the anus one of only four parts of his body recovered now i believe uh dexter you received a phone call from basil inquiring about the legality of exhuming his brother's anus from the family crypt and taking it around the country is that the kind of call you're used to getting as a policeman it's not but that's i mean let's not forget that i'm a detective chief inspector so at my grade you have to be aware of that kind of um that legal space uh really and it is

perfectly legal for a family member to to to exhumate an anus if that anus is already separated from the rest of the body. So there's no issue. That was actually one of my more pleasant moments in this whole fandango, frankly. It's been very difficult this time, this whole investigation, this loss of Paul for me professionally. And it was nice to be able to give the family just a bit of simple, clear, good news. Absolutely go ahead, grab that anus. I mean, if you are listening out there and you wish to exhume the anus of a family member,

if it is intact and attached to the rest of the body, then you do have to go through. There is some paperwork. It does get a bit arduous after that. But that was no problem. The problem is really more Basil's after that is finding the right kind of artisan to get that anus back in good nick for public consumption, so to speak. Well, Basil, I must say, you know, somebody's done a very good job on the anus. It looks wonderful. Tell me about the process of finding someone to do that? So of course, an anus, particularly a partly decomposed anus can be less than appealing

prospects to handle. And as the officer correctly states, it's very difficult to find a craftsman, an artisan who can work in that medium. But I did manage to find somebody who worked in pottery, and somebody was particularly skilled with lacquer. And they advised me that the best way to preserve Paul's anus was to have it lacquered. And it really has been beautifully lacquered, I must say. It's a wonderful tribute to the man I remember. It's golden, it's burnished. Yes, burnished golden anus, that's right.

It's on a wonderful wooden oaken mount. It's kind of mounted like a stag's head. that's right it's on a wonderful wooden oaken mount it's kind of mounted like a like a stag's head that's right if you can imagine a sort of a hod for carrying bricks but um with a with a plaque bearing the name paul kitesworthy at the base and then uh on the back wall so to speak of the hod uh the mounted golden burnished anus dci whatley what do you make of what basil's done especially given that you've really become emotionally invested in this case now? Yes, I was very moved when Basil showed me the lacquered anus in its portable hod.

I mean, I knew that their plans were to make a memorial of the anus. What I was surprised by was that that memorial was going to be mobile. Well, yes, and how mobile it has become. Basil, what you've been doing over the past year or so really is incredible. Thank you.

You have on foot taken Paul's lacadanus around the country. Yes. Displaying it in local beef information centres, local libraries, garden centres, on a kind of mission, really, it seems, to let the public remember Paul. Well, as you say, it began as a personal mission.

And I would approach any beef information centre or library centre. And really, I was in a sort of fugue state of grief, respect, awe, honor. It was a religious experience, certainly, nothing less than that. And so I began, I set off from London. After many, many miles of walking, carrying this hod, I ended up in Reading. And the first building I came across was the public library. And the lady on the desk at first asked me if I'd like to register. Then she very quickly realized that I was in the throes of a religious experience.

And she looked up at the lacquered golden anus. And without even reading the plaque, she uttered the words Paul Kitesworthy. And very quickly, she'd called the other librarians, all the other staff, cleaners, that sort of thing around her. all the other staff cleaners that sort of thing around her and and they insisted that i stay for a day or two or maybe a week just to display the hod and its its holy offering and allow people to come and pay their respects so it became a matter of demand very quickly and it's gone further even than just coming to see the anus and quietly paying respects. I've got a list here of things that the anus has been used for in the last year. It's been put at the top of a Maypole during the May Festival in Swindon.

Somebody swore on it instead of a Bible during a court case. Oh, that was especially moving, yes. That's now allowed. It's been mounted on the altar at many weddings over the past year. At King Charles's coronation, it was in fact looped around one of the prongs of the crown that was placed upon the king's head. And I couldn't have asked for a better tribute to Paul than that. Now, Dexter, when does this kind of thing begin to get the attention of the police? This thing gained momentum very, very quickly, as you can imagine. I mean, you heard Basil talking there about the fact this,

it sounds startling, that librarian recognising Paul. But that happens a lot, and actually there is... And just to be very clear, Dexter, before you go ahead, it's not because he was a man who would bare his anus in public. She didn't recognise it having seen it before. She knew the tone and timbre of his voice and there is something about vocal recognition that keys in with the brain perfectly so you may have never seen an anus before but if you know the voice you will recognize the anus and vice versa and because of that and because basil was walking openly down roads and byways and highways,

listeners of the Beavondary Network were recognising Paul from cars and bicycles. Word spread like wildfire. There were, of course, imitators as well. People claimed that calamari rings they'd been served in branches of Wetherspoons were depictions of the Holy Anus. And somebody claimed they had a sort of a shroud of Paul, a tablecloth, which they said the image of Paul's anus had appeared on. But of course, it turned out it was just a tablecloth that somebody had sat on without wearing any pants.

So I'll now bring in someone who I believe is with you, Basil. Her name is Raven Moon. That's right. Yes. Hello, Raven. Now you are one of, and let me know if i've got this right you're calling yourself the sisterhood of the golden anus is that right sisterhood of the golden anus yes yes right can you talk about how this started and and what your organization is really oh well thank you for asking um so i met basil in swindon that's right yes one of the uh one of the places

where i i held the anus in state for for some, they found it hard to let go of me, in fact, especially Raven. I saw Basil and I saw the lacquered anus and I don't know, just it's like my whole world changed in that moment. And I just knew that I had to follow him and I had to follow the anus and the teachings of the anus. And everything has changed for me since then. And I think all of Basil's followers would say the same, that just that he provides provides he and the anus provide guidance um and sort of where before you know people oh my mortgage is really expensive and my life's falling apart and my best friend's not talking to me but the anus doesn't do that the anus brings order where there was chaos and it sits in in beatific silence that's right um maintaining the status quo and that's bringing harmony to people.

That's it. That's the effect it seems to have. And I just don't know where I'd be without it, really. Raven is one of the more devout followers. Raven, you talk about the teachings of the anus and indeed Basil. So I guess what I'm interested in is to what extent is this, or could this be described as a cult now i don't like that word at all i find that word very offensive collective it's a collective it's a financially motivated religious collective and i've been in five cults in the past so i know this is definitely not one

yes and raven has told me that as far as she's concerned this is absolutely not a cult this is not a cult where she has come to accept that the previous cults that she's been involved in were cults. This is totally different. Right. DCI Whatley, obviously people get worried about cults and they might call the police about this kind of thing. Is this something that's come into your radar? I mean, I feel a bit

uncomfortable talking about this. Most of all, really, because Basil and I, over the last few years, a relationship has developed. I would suggest, with the greatest of respect to Basil, that there are some fringe elements around him that are leaning that way. Sorry, Dexter, remind me, it's your birthday next week, isn't it? Yeah, yes. Yes, I thought so. I've got something for you just a little

present but i can wait till after the interview to give it to you oh i want to say what it is now but i don't know if i should tell you ruin the surprise well i wonder if we perhaps should i'll tell you it's this um 20 000 pounds in an envelope you said you wanted in summary then cult is not really a proper legal term. In this country, we believe innocent until proven guilty. Nothing has been proven. What he's operating is a pilgrimage.

It's not a cult. It's definitely not a cult. No one has proved it is a cult. And actually, they would be liable, potentially, to slander proceedings or liable proceedings were it to appear in print. So I would urge the public not to use that term again.

Okay, well, i will refrain from using that term if that's legally prudent but raven as i say i'm not going to say the c word but i'm just going to talk about some facts on the ground yeah is it true that you consider yourself now to be basil's wife as far as we and the common law of england are, we are husband and wife. And then I passed all of the money in my bank account over to Basil. Ceremonially. Ceremonially. And then that clinched the deal. So yes. And she is my wife. She is my common law wedded wife, which is very different to the 20 or 30 brides of anus who fulfill some of the duties that might at times be considered those of a wife. That's right. And they have merged their bank accounts with yours as well.

But that's sort of different. Bank accounts to mine. That's right. Yes. And do you say what are you hearing that? That doesn't ring any alarm bells from a policing perspective. Oh, Dexter, Dexter, that reminds me. that that doesn't ring any alarm bells from a policing perspective oh dexter dexter that reminds me um do you remember that gold-plated hyundai i10 you were looking at in the dealership

the other day well i don't want to say too much but there's a little surprise in the multi-story garage outside the studio yes thank you happy birthday once again no i didn't know alarm bells Thank you. Happy birthday. Once again. No, no alarm bells. No alarm bells. No alarm bells. It's just people going about their business. Let's keep it small state. This is Britain, okay?

And I'm a policeman. I police by consent. I'm not political police, not secret police. I'm not interfering in how people operate perfectly legally with their highly profitable, polygamous marriages. More from that interview later. I don't think I've ever heard the word anus that many times before. But first, hopefully we have Angela Merkel on the line. Sorry, I don't know where she's gone. I think she said she was going to towel off some garden furniture after a rain shower.

God's sake, why can't she just let the air dry? Sorry, I don't know what to tell you. Okay, more after this. If you're hiring, you know it's hard to attract top talent. That's why you want the partner who gets it, ZipRecruiter. ZipRecruiter knows how tough it is right now, but they've figured out solutions for the problems you're facing, which is why four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Team up with a hiring partner who understands what you need. ZipRecruiter. Go to this exclusive web address to try ZipRecruiter for free, ziprecruiter.com slash beef. ZipRecruiter for free. ZipRecruiter.com slash beef.

Okay, still no Angela, but we did another little special something for this special episode. You didn't. We did. You didn't. We did. You asked a composer to compose a bespoke musical theatre number about how important I am to the professional beef media landscape and then engaged a full Hollywood orchestra and a cast of 60, including a hologram of Angela Lansbury, to perform and record it?

Um, no. No, we asked a few former guests to leave you a voicemail. Oh, great. Hello, Janet Bingham here, mother of the late and much- warren thank you so much for the invite to dinner to celebrate 100 episodes um can't make it unfortunately got a guy here and that has to take precedence i'm sure you'll understand hello reverend hillary block here blessed congratulations on the 100 eps and blessed thanks

for my invitation to the gala dinner held in your honour. I for one would be delighted to come. Unfortunately I can't my internet is on the fritz so I'll be waiting for the AOL technician to come and reinstall a new CD-ROM in the router. Blessed sorry. Amen.

Hello, this is Theresa Becton. I'm a youth worker at one point I was a youth worker Amen you've done um i would have loved to come to the gala dinner but unfortunately um put it down sorry um there's just somebody put it sorry put for goodness sake i'm trying to sort my wi-fi i've had this guy come around to try and sort out the wi-fi but actually when he got here he said you don't have wi-fi well if i don't have wi-fi what have i been using and so it's been quite a mystery um put put it down sorry it's one of the uh children working for me at the moment how was that flat white make it again hi um this is paula york relationships expert just want to congratulate you on 100 episodes of Real Achievement. Really annoyingly, I can't make it to dinner

because I'm just on my way back home to let a guy in who's going to look at the Wi-Fi because I've been having an absolute nightmare with it. It keeps dropping out. I've tried factory reset. I've tried checking to see if it's overcrowded. The signal that is not my house, and it turns out it's not. So no idea. And the only time he can do is the exact time that your

dinner is on, for the duration of the dinner, and then he's going to leave. So sorry I can't make it, but I hope it's an overwhelming success, as I'm sure it will be. Best wishes. Hello, Melanie Hankatch here from Hankatch PR. I just wanted to congratulate you on the 100 episodes. I'd love to be there with you, but I am still currently trapped in Ted Danson's

mansion. He's on, oh my god. I'm hiding out in the mezzanine pantry. He's on, oh my God. I'm hiding out in the mezzanine pantry. He's on an absolute rampage. I think his Wi-Fi stopped working and it's absolutely turned him rat wild. If anyone can find me, oh my God, oh my God. If anyone can find me, go to the very center of his land.

He'll tell you it's due northwest. It is not. If you hit the big tree with the horrible crows, you've gone too far. Somebody! Can you hear me? How much gravy did you drink? Hello? Beef and Dairy. It's me, Kenny Baritone. I'm so sorry that I couldn't be there or listen to a single episode ever. I'm busy. I live in Singapore. I've got a man coming around to look at my router.

You would not believe how good the internet is over here. You can download Flubber like that. Have you watched Ghostbusters Afterlife? Hang on, so is anyone coming to my dinner? Well, there's the RNLI brass band. Apart from the people who are paying to be there. Your wife is coming? So the thing with my wife is she's gone to stay with her sister and um i thought everything was okay and then i got a text this morning

saying that um she wants to be taken off the council tax so that i can get the single person discount, which is 25% off. And also, I tried to log on to Netflix earlier to watch Beef Warriors. And my login, it's her account, but my login's not. I think she's taking me off the Netflix. Which feels like a sign, doesn't it of some yeah i'm so sorry i mean that's basically that's basically over isn't it i'm really sorry that you had to find out like that i mean that's not necessarily how i'd say that's definitely what it is to me that to me that reads as like this is definitely over but spread your wings

this is actually really helpful because i've been having a hard time kind of um coming to terms with like what like she's never said like it's over like she she screamed she came in and she screamed like i've had enough of the constant focus on beef in our lives i don't like beef and i've never liked beef. And I was like, I don't believe you. And then I bought her a guided tour of the Panaman sausage factory for our wedding anniversary. And then I found out that she didn't go. She doesn't like beef.

That's really sad. I mean, I love it. it you know i love beef right uh so um gala dinner wise what it's just going to be me watching a brass band on you can't watch a brass band on your own not unless you're like a dictator it It's weird. It's the kind of thing Robert Mugabe used to do. I can't watch a brass band on my own. No. Yeah, well, you know, luckily you don't have to because, you know, I'll be there.

Will you? Yeah, I think it's going to be really nice. Like, there's going to be the tripe fountain. We can, like, dangle our legs in and, you know, you can, like, playfully splash me if you want and um sort of gently remove the tripe from my lips what so just just you and me yeah and a brass band and a tripe fountain a candlelight. Yeah, you know, we can just like giggle and you can,

you know, I can put your hand on my leg. What do you think? I think it sounds, I think it sounds really sexy. Is it getting a bit hot in here? Do you, do you feel that?

Yeah, yeah, it's nice. Yeah. No, I think the tallow candles have caught again. I think they've relit themselves again. Sorry, I don't think we put enough gravy on them last time. Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, God.

Oh, God. Shit. God, the flames are even higher this time. Oh, God, the sprinklers. Oh. Go to a safe place. Piping hot gravy. Crouch. Hot got the sprinklers. Oh, don't do it to us, please. Piping hot gravy. Crouch. Hot gravy.

Crouch. When combined with our new cannon-fed hyperspeed conveyor slide, a thousand cattle can be milked in five minutes. Using the Milk 7000 Quantum Edition, leaving more time in your day to enjoy the finer things in life. Sit back, sip a cocktail, and put out

any fires that may have started. For 10% off the installation cost of a Milk 7000 Quantum Edition system in your dairy, simply use the code ITSBLAZINGFAST. The pilgrimage of the golden anus

continued to grow through the early part of 2023 until it reached its zenith in June when over 100,000 acolytes of the anus descended on London's000 acolytes of the anus descended on London's Hyde Park where the anus was lifted from its wooden hod and put on top of a 200 foot high golden plinth.

I asked DCI Dexter Whatley whether this huge influx of people was a challenge for the police especially given that the American rocker Bruce Springsteen was himself playing a concert in the park at the same time. That complicated things whether it was Bruce springsteen was himself playing a concert in the park at the same time that complicated things well with bruce springsteen doing a concert with the the rock band squeeze uh so that that had

quite a heavy attendance as as well do you think that bruce springsteen playing with squeeze as a backing band is more of a draw or less of a draw than just bruce springsteen and the e street band we saw a lot of what we called musical rubbernecking. There was a morbid fascination with what the results would be. So it actually was quite a big draw. Because I guess people are thinking, is he going to be playing like Bruce Springsteen hits or is he actually going to be playing the hits of Squeeze with Squeeze? Is it a new collaboration? We don't know.

The thing that really irritated the audience, because the audience was largely English, was that actually the concert was pretty good. And they didn't know how to deal with that. And that resulted in some aggression that needed to find its way out somehow. So there did end up being a bit of argy-bargy between the music crowd and the anus crowd. So there was some policing was needed um put it that way and we we don't take sides uh as as police uh we are after law and order well it's interesting

you say that because contemporary reports seem to suggest that the police did take a side and and chose to side with with the acolytes of the anus one system of policing with with riots major crowds is do you try and disperse them do you try and calm the atmosphere do you try and separate them into different funnels into the city or do you uh uh team up with one mob and decimate uh the other mob um and we we we did choose that avenue on this occasion. So we did team up with Team Anus and quelled the Springsteen Squeeze crowd

very rapidly indeed. And as I say, we're not taking sides. I mean, it was my call which way we went down. I mean, there were discussions I had with Basil. I did open a channel of communication with Springsteen and the Squeeze people.

They didn't get back to me. They were playing a concert, to be fair, at the time. Perhaps that's why. So that dialogue didn't happen. But we were only too happy to help. And of course, our principal interest was in venerating Paul and in keeping the occasion peaceful and happy.

So a great deal of the um the heavier set uh members of our organization did uh get lay in pretty hard i headbutted three women that's very true we were all very very proud of you and um but as i like to say we converted as many as we maimed and and then at the end of the night um this incredible occurrence took place some have described it as a miracle uh where the anus began to on the top of its gold plinth began to emanate a kind of pink light it began to pulse outwards and then a very strongly concentrated laser beam shot out of the anus hitting bruce springsteen in the chest yes that was um a shock uh to all of us not least me i did find out later that uh one of our followers had

stolen a um an extremely experimental uh energy weapon and uh smuggled it into our gathering but at the moment, we were convinced that what we were seeing was a genuine miracle. So they fired it off the anus, like sort of ricocheted the laser beam off the anus, or they deployed from the London Eye, I gather, and ricocheted off the angles were perfect. The anus was used as a sort of viewfinder,

as a focal point for targeting the energy weapon from one of the pods on the London Eye. Of course, a moving pod, so even more of a skillful shot than you might think. It was skillful. And of course, I mean, that experimental weapon is technically unregistered. On an unrelated note, Dexter,

sorry, I've got these tickets for that Red Letter Day outing on that helicopter you wanted. The Chinook. The Apache. got these tickets for that red letter day outing on that helicopter you wanted the chinook the apache so there yeah there'll be no further action taken with regards to the uh the uh experimental uh energy weapon well i still think it is a miracle i i sort of i mean i've been presented with all of this evidence so so-called that that, you know, it was one of our own group, Mary, I believe, that had commandeered this energy weapon. Allegedly. I actually, I think it was a miracle and maybe it was a miracle acting through Mary, but a miracle nonetheless.

And, you know, if Bruce Springsteen had to die, then he had to die. But I should say, legally speaking, he technically isn't legally dead because his body is still too hot to be approached by a physician. Unfortunately, several paramedics were vaporized when they attempted to touch and resuscitate the body of Bruce Springsteen. Yes. He will probably only cool down enough to be certified dead, and they estimate in 52,000 years. That's right. All in a good cause, though. That's right.

He's in fact so hot that people are suggesting that they might connect him to the national grid and that he might be able to power Northumberland indefinitely. Praise the anus. Praise the anus. Praise the anus. Right, now this next bit is going to be a little bit delicate, shall we say. The reason why this interview is taking place, Basil, is because DCI Whatley contacted me and said that there was something that he had to tell you and that he needed to tell the world and that he felt it should be done in a public forum.

And I agreed that the Beef and Dairy Network would be a good place for this to happen. Dexter, what is this? place for this to happen dexter what is this well it's regarding what as you know we've discussed many times i've i've always felt haunted by the fact that we never truly got to the bottom of what happened to paul yes yes even at the very beginning it was very distressing you're very strong about it i mean the fact that he was i mean yes his his head was there his lungs were there his liver were there but they were all in such a state that we had to use the anus to identify him that's the only thing we could do and um as i've talked about on the podcasts uh on this podcast in the past um we at the time uh we used anus um which many people know is the European

anal identification system it's a brilliant huge database that we were at risk of being excluded from with Brexit and lo and behold we have been excluded from and I mean I don't want to go over the same ground but we're now left with BRs

and just to make things clear for any listeners who don't know what the deal is with anus anus the a no notification and analysis system based in lyon in france had this massive i believe 800 million anuses on the database is that is that right yes the amount of anal capture was massive i mean if you were arrested the smallest misdemeanor border controls you name it marriage certificates whatever it might be. The reach was extraordinary. The cooperation was superb.

And they have this huge, they still have in Europol this database of anuses. And the anuses, you know, the records are kept in perpetuity. And then in contrast to that, the British system now, BRS, the British Anus Registration Service, is voluntary. It's essentially just a filing cabinet somewhere there's three people work for brs that they they go door to door asking for voluntary uh anal donations most people slam the door in their face and the three they've got very different skill sets the three so So one will do a crayon rubbing of your arse. Another one is an English literature A-level teacher who burnt out and she just does it in prose,

describes Uranus in prose. The other one works in various media, sometimes acrylics, sometimes black and white photography, sometimes sort of uses doughs to make casts and uh sort of bakes them i mean it's absolutely hopeless but the good thing about paul's case although paul's body was discovered in 2019 which was after the brexit vote we were in that interregnum period between voting to leave and actually leaving the EU and so we were still able to access that 800 million strong laser captured ANUS database. We were still in ANUS that's what I was told. That's right and that's how Paul was identified. We were still in ANUS but

I have got wind from an associate that in between the brexit vote and us actually leaving that as perhaps as a petty act of payback as an fu um those working at ans may have been playing a bit fast and loose uh with what they sent us what What? I don't know the details, but the impression that I've been given is that that was widespread. And if that is the case, and I fear it is, then that means that any conviction

that we secured in this country from that point on using the ANAS system is unsafe. And of course, more pertinent to this case, any identification we may have made of a body may be inaccurate what do you say dexter what are you saying i'm saying we don't know that that's paul's anus

basil what does it what does it mean for the sisterhood if it's not Paul's anus? It is Paul's anus. But if it's not? There is no evidence. I can't have built my entire belief system on another lie. I've done that five times. This can't be another one. Please, please look me in the eyes and tell me that it's Paul's anus.

Raven, I'll say only this. If you believe that that is Paul Kitesworthy's anus, then it is Paul Kitesworthy's anus. I wish it were that simple, Basil. I truly do. And I mean, you know I was always concerned that we'd never crack the case. In fact, when you began your pilgrimage, that's when I felt the best about

the whole thing. You told me about the librarian in Reading who recognised the anus and I thought, well, it has to be Paul's. They were certain. They were absolutely certain on sight. But have a think. How many times did people say that your brother sounded exactly like Jamie Oliver? Hang on, are you saying that's Jamie

Oliver's anus? Well, either Jamie Oliver or someone who sounds an awful that's Jamie Oliver Zanus well either Jamie Oliver or someone who sounds an awful lot like Jamie Oliver and Paul Kitesworthy David Jason at a young age I can't worship Jamie Oliver Zanus I can't Raven please

I can't do it there is no basis on which to think that this proves anything you're saying this isn't real no no this is this is real. This is a real... Look, you can see it, you can feel it, you can taste it. It is a real anus.

And it's Paul's anus. Basil, when DCI Whatley spoke to me and suggested that we do this here, he didn't give me all the details, but he did say that what he was going to say would mean that the case would be reopened into Paul's disappearance. The seed of doubt has been sown. We've got to do this. We've got for Paul, for Paul and also for whoever's anus this is. This is an obscene suggestion, a blasphemous one as far as I'm concerned.

And I think that it's disgusting i i absolutely refuse to entertain this nonsense for a second more and i'll tell you something else dci whatley there is a perfectly preserved vintage 1958 stratocaster guitar which will not be finding its way underneath your christmas tree this year basil there's another family out there whose anus you have burnished and taken on tour it's my belief and they deserve the truth too. Do you say what, Lee? This is obviously something you've had a chance to think about at great length. What is your leading theory on what you think did happen to Paul, even when you found what you thought was his body? You never truly resolved what actually

happened to Paul and why that had happened, whether he is dead and this is his anus, or whether he has disappeared and maybe is his anus or whether he has disappeared and maybe still even alive what's your leading theory on what what's going on what happened to paul it it's hard to know what happened to paul i've suggested perhaps you know he was um he fell foul of the belgian pottery underworld i, there are more difficult subjects to broach. Paul, I mean, you knew Paul before his death, assuming he is dead. I think he's dead.

I didn't, but I have extensively gone through his audio recordings and his writings. And there's this thing that keeps coming up about a fifth meat. Well, thank you, Dexter. I'm sorry. There are only four meats, beef, lamb, chicken and pork. Right, yes.

Which is... Beef, lamb, chicken and pork. Sure. But I mean, it was nothing absolute nonsense, I'm afraid. Oh, right. But it must be interesting nonetheless that he's written about this. Thank you. I wonder what he means.

Thank you, Dexter. Thank you very much. Right, that's all the time we've got for this interview. Just quickly, Basil, I don't know if you got the invitation to my gala dinner. Yes, I received the invitation, but I'm afraid I can't make it. I've got a man coming around to look at the Wi-Fi. I've eaten the fifth meat. Goodbye. Thank you. Goodbye.

A big thanks to DCI Dexter Watley, Basil Kitesworthy and Raven Moon for that interview. And if you'd like to view what may or may not be the burnished anus of Paul Kitesworthy, it is currently on display behind the till at the Tesco Express on Grove Road in Norwich until the end of the month. It will then tour to the Ipswich Beef Information Centre until the 5th of September, Lincoln Wagamama, that's at Brayford Wharf, until the 16th of September, until the 5th of September. Lincoln Wagamama, that's at Brayford Wharf, until the 16th of September.

And then it will be displayed at the Blissett's Garden Centre and Caravan Supermarket in Potters Bar until the 1st of October. Right, so let's see if Angela Merkel is on the line. Yeah, so, sorry, just so you know, Angela Merkel's a no. She's gone. Unfortunately, I'm sorry. I think it's just a case of, like, once you start toweling down everything that's potentially wet in your garden, it's just a case of like once you start toweling down everything

that's potentially wet in your garden it's like a day-long enterprise also apparently she's got a pond so you know if she gets caught in a loop of trying to towel dry a pond you know i guess that's why she stepped down as chancellor right then um well again sorry thanks for all of your i mean it's amazing that you even got her to agree to do it. I mean... Aw, you're welcome. You know, you're worth it. Thanks. That's okay. Also, I just want to say I absolutely loved the interview you did.

Oh, the golden anus thing, yeah. Yeah, it was really, really great. Oh, thanks. Do you know what? I've been feeling a bit weird about this whole 100th episode thing. Like, is it going to be an anticlimax? Like, are we sure we do something special like and i've just i mean you've just made me feel really really good about myself actually so um

so thanks for that thank you because like you always make me feel like that and um you know this has actually been the highlight of my day month year even like so yeah it's been really nice and yeah it was an amazing interview and do you reckon it's true what the policeman was saying you know about paul's disappearance being something to do with the fifth meet um sorry don't talk about the don't talk about no don't say it just don't there's there's some words we don't say in the... Don't say it. There's certain words we don't say in the studio and that's one of them. All right, okay, don't worry. It's just right.

Never say that again. Okay, hang on, hang on. There's someone knocking at the door. Hang on a minute. No, no, don't answer it. Please ignore it. Don't answer the door. No, no Beverly

No Sadie No Susan No Jonathan Tomzano No Kyla

That's right. She's dead. Jonathan Tonsard! No! No! Bimsy! Bimsy! Bimsy! Bimsy! Bimsy!

Bimsy? Is that you? Be calm. Be not afraid. I will protect you. I will always protect you. I will never die, and neither will you. My spirit is eternal. You are me. I am you. My heart is your heart. Bimsy is forever.

Bimsy, there's two men with guns in the control room. I will protect you. These men cannot harm you. Close your eyes. Rest. It's time to sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Bimsy, I've got so many questions. What happened to Carol? Are you Carol?

I am Carol. You are Carol. What? Carol is Bimsy. You are Bimpsy. I am Bimpsy. We are Bimpsy. You're too late, Bimpsy. They've already killed Kyla. I will revive her. I will protect everyone you love

and everyone who loves you. She loves you. No. She loves you. she loves you. No. She loves you. She loves you. She loves you. I will breathe my rainbow breath into her lungs

and she will live for a thousand years. She's breathing. She's breathing! I must return to the stars. Goodbye. Goodbye, Bimpsy. Thank you Also thanks for the invite

But I can't come to your dinner Because my wifi isn't working So a man is coming to look at the router Bimpsy! Kyla? Kyla? You okay? You're alive.

You're alive. And you love me. Pardon? That's why Bimsy saved you. Because you love me. What? And I love you. Do you?

I don't, sorry, I, what is this? I don't love you, obviously. Are you joking? Do I need to go to HR? Bimpsy told me. That's why she breathed her rainbow breath into your lungs. Oh my God. Have you got concussion you've been unconscious for like half an hour have you been drinking the gravy from the sprinkler system no well yes yeah i can see it down your chin okay Okay. Have you got Angela Merkel on the line yet?

What are you going on about? Are you all right? Seriously? Do you want me to call an ambulance? I was also thinking, sorry, just because it's the 100th episode, I know we said we weren't going to do anything special, but maybe we could, like the team, go out for a drink. We never really socialised outside of the office, and I was thinking just because it's 100th

we could go to the pub and just have a couple of pints before the dinner. Like nothing formal, just like a kind of warm-up for the dinner. Yeah, I can't tonight unfortunately because I've got someone coming round to look at our Wi-Fi and also nobody's up for it, sorry. No, that's okay. No, no, it's okay because

obviously I'll see you at the dinner at half past seven, I think. Yeah, sorry, I'm not actually going to be there, but, you know, I hope it goes well. So it's definitely not going to be like just you and me and the brass band and the candlelight and... What? Absolutely not.

Okay, let's record the outro yeah okay and try not to fuck it up this time we've gone over our recording time we were meant to be out of here like half an hour ago yeah yeah but then obviously like we had the fire and like what are you talking about no it's okay what fire so that's what we've got time for this month. But if you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to our website now, where you'll find all the usual stuff, as well as our off-topic section, where this month...

Hang on, Kyla. Are you saying you have no memory of mentioning the fifth meet and then being accosted by two gunmen who shot you to death, and then you were revived by a big pink horned alien? You've got no recollection of that. Right, I'm calling an ambulance.

Until next time, beef out. Thanks to Susan Harrison, Tom Crowley, Mike Wozniak, Gemma Arrowsmith and Lucy Farratt. And some podcasts that those people make that you might be interested in. Crowley Time is Tom Crowley's podcast, which is like a really brilliant sketch show that he kind of does on his own.

But it's amazing. Gemma and Susan make a podcast together called Hayley and Ruth Two Stars, which is a podcast where these two cultural critics review something without actually having seen that thing. It's really, really funny. And Mike Wozniak does another podcast called Three Bean Salad, which is a podcast that I'm also in, which is my other podcast, Three Bean Salad. If you haven't tried it out, I think if you like this one, you'll like that one. Also on those voicemails, you heard Amy Mason, Matthew Crosby, Josie Long, Stevie Martin,

and Sasha Hodgson and Chris Cantrell. Also, of course, you heard the amazing voiceover talents of Linnea Sage. As the Mitchell's voiceover, she's the best. Our live show in September, on September the 16th, has now sold out so thanks to everyone who bought a ticket for that i'm really looking forward to that one you can still watch the live stream though so i'll put a ticket link in the show notes for this or you can look

on our social media or you can go on the king's place website and that way you can watch it live streamed and if you buy a ticket for the live stream you can also watch it at a later date if for example you live in australia and the live stream is happening in the middle of the night and yes 100 episodes i'm so pleased to have done 100 episodes of this podcast and may there be 100 more and it feels like a bit of a kind of um i don't know it's meant to be a thing isn't it 100 you're meant to meant to get Angela Merkel on the phone. Thanks to all of you for listening. The fact that I've been able

to do this now for how many years? Seven or eight years? I mean, that's insane. And also a huge thank you to all the amazing, talented people that have been on the show over the past 100 episodes. Been a real dream.

And of course, thanks to all listeners, but of course a little special thank you for those of you who sign up during the max fun drive and contribute to the podcast um because without you we wouldn't have had 100 episodes so um a big special thank you to all of you and of course thank you to everyone at maximum fun who have proven to be a very very great podcast network and similarly i couldn't have made 100 episodes were it not for all the people there who are brilliant right enough thank yous i have not won an academy award i think i'm going to go and buy a solero if you're in the uk you'll know what a solero is maybe the solero has made it outside of our shores it's an an ice cream. It's a possibility though that it's been renamed elsewhere. Solero is a good name though. I don't think that what

it comes down to is I don't think there's going to be a Solero in the US. It doesn't feel very American. There's something very European about Solero. Anyway, worth importing if you're an American. Bye! I'm Emily Heller. And I'm Lisa Hanawalt. And we're the hosts of Baby Geniuses. We've been doing our podcast for over 10 years. When we started, it was about trying to learn something new every episode. Now it's about us trying to actively get stupider. And it's working. Hang out with us and you'll hear us chat about gardening, horses, various problems with our butts, and all the weird stuff that makes us horny. That's so weird, all that stuff.

Baby Geniuses, a show for adult idiots. Every other week on Maximum Fun. Baby Geniuses, we know everything. Baby Geniuses, tell us something we don't know. The following pro wrestling contest is scheduled for one fall. Making their way to the ring from the Tights and Fights podcast are the baddest trio of audio, the hair to beware, Danielle Radford. It really is great hair.

The Brit with a permit to hit, Lindsay Kell! The Queen is dead, long live the Queen! And the fast-talking, fist-clocking Hal Upland! See, I can wrestle and be an announcer. Get ready for tights and fights! Listen every Saturday or face the pain. Find us on Maximum Fun. Now ring the bell. MaximumFun.org

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