Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 101 - Live At London Agrimedia Con 2023

Episode Date: September 24, 2023

Chris Cantrill, Amy Gledhill, Anna Leong Brophy, Tom Crowley, Tom Neenan, Nadia Kamil, Mike Wozniak and Linnea Sage join in this month for a live show which took place at London Agrimedia Con 2023. WATCH THE LIVE SHOW RECORDING WITH YOUR EYES HERE: https://shop.kingsplace.co.uk/29410/29414Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.comEvening Melodrama Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 Licensehttp://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

Hello, today's show is an edited version of the live show we did at London Podcast Festival earlier this month. There were some things in the show which were too visual to include in this. Hopefully the story still makes sense. I think it does. Or rather, I should say that the bits of the story that won't make sense to you also didn't make a great deal of sense to the people in the room. There's the odd bit where you might think, what are they laughing at? I don't find this moment of silence funny. Well, that's usually because a joke of some sort appeared on the screen. But I've tried to edit around that stuff, and I don't think you'll feel like you're missing out too much. Here we go. The Great Big British Birthnanza Live!

In association with Highlander. Hello and welcome to the Great British Birthnanza Live! A live human birth streamed in 4K to the internet. So hello to everyone watching on the stream, and of course those brave enough to be here in the room. If you haven't found them already, your ponchos should be under your seats. My name is Dr. Sam Archer,

a doctor best known for my work on Channel 4's Embarrassing Penis, Channel 5's Car Crash Anus, HBO's Car Crash Anus USA, Channel 5's Celebrity Euthanasia Live, Channel 5's Friday Night X-Ray What's Up Your Arse Edition,

and Channel 5's 24 Hours to Save My Genitals, amongst others. And I'm joined by the parents-to-be, so please give a big birthnanza welcome to the bovine arse-fet, bald, trescopic, and his partner, Tanya! Yeah! So please introduce yourself to the audience,

and here are the, I'm just getting the latest figures, 14 people on the stream. Hello, I'm Tanya, a vivacious young soon-to-be milf from the Swansea area, and I'm having to give birth on a live stream to make money because my feckless partner Bob has driven us into a financial black hole. Tanya, are you sure this is a good idea?

Maybe instead we could just borrow some money from a loan shark and fake our own deaths at sea? Please introduce yourself, Bob. Hello, I'm Bob Driscovic. I'm a bovine arse vet. Legally speaking, I have to point out I'm not qualified in any formal sense, but I am at heart a bovine arse vet, and a very good one too, just purely backstreet these

days. But no one can read an arse like me. If I could see an arse right now, I'd read it like a book. The only arse I can see right now is you, Bob. Tanya, come on. Don't touch me. Right, ready to see the happy couple. Before we get any further, I'd like

to thank our sponsors, Hyundai and McRobertson's Recreational Epidural Jacuzzis. You don't know the true meaning of relaxation until you've lowered your legs into hot, bubbly water and then turned off your nervous system. Hang on, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's going on here? I'm about to give birth down a webcam, so unless you come bearing towels, I suggest you get out of here. Sorry, we've booked this room for a live show over the popular beef industry podcast, Beef and Dairy Network Podcast,

the number one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. I knew I recognised you. You're the one who ruined my wedding last year. That's not how I remember it, Tanya. You married Barry, the most boring man in the world, a man whose entire personality was based around the fact he works in a pin factory, and then seconds later you decided to run away with the glamorous and handsome bovine arse-fed Bob Triscothic.

Hi there. Hi, Bob. I think it's probably best if you use the room for the podcast. I'm not sure this is a great idea. Shut it, Bob. You wouldn't know a good idea if it broke into your car. Oh, yeah, that's right. You don't even have a car anymore because we had to sell your I&I

I-10. We couldn't afford one anymore. Please stay calm, Tanya. Babies don't like stress. It's why you'll never see a baby watching Squid Game. Oh! And it's Dr Sam Archer. A doctor best known for such shows as Channel 4's Embarrassing Penis, Channel 5's Car Crash Anus, HBO's Car Crash Anus USA,

Channel 5's Celebrity Euthanasia Live, Channel 5's Friday Night X-Ray, What's Up Your Ass Edition, and Channel 5's 24 Hours to Save My Genitals, amongst others. And also, my GP. Are my test results back yet? Yes, I'm afraid they are. Good news? I obviously can't break patient confidentiality

by saying too much in front of all these people. Let's just say that there's no medical reason why it should be that colour. Oh. And it's not fungus. It looks so much like fungus. So, sorry, so what is going on here? Well, this is the great big British birth namza live. I know it's a bit of a mouthful, but we couldn't call it the crown

because apparently that was taken. We've been offered money by our sponsors Hyundai and McRobertson's recreational epidural jacuzzis for me to give birth live on the internet. But who would want to watch that? An unholy coalition of the scientifically curious and of course

perverts. And I'd say perverts are the backbone of our viewership. God bless them. And I assume Dr Sam will be delivering the baby? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I'd lose my licence to practice if I was involved in this in a medical sense. So I need to make clear that I'm involved in entirely in my capacity as a TV doctor, which has no moral component

whatsoever. Okay, so who is going to be delivering the baby then? Oh, Bob, you're going to do it. I've delivered young for all sorts of animals over the years. Cows, of course. Camels, beavers, a rare South American marmot

with a vagina no wider than a human eyelash. So tiny will be a piece of cake. Bob says he reckons the process is probably quite similar to delivering a calf.

Probably. Well, with a calf you basically stick your arm down into the elbow then pull it out, lick it clean, there you go.

Fresh beef. And you were okay with this, Tanya? Well, enough to me, don't I? The last you saw of us, we were happily eloping, but let me tell you, life with Bob over this past year hasn't been all champagne and strawberries. Things seemed perfect for a while.

We went on holiday to the German North Sea coast and danced in the frigid waves, laughing and laughing. The freezing water creating a delicious contrast with the pints of boiling hot Orangina we were drinking. But when we came home, everything changed. Of course, sexually, he still goes like a train.

By which I mean, over the last year, he has regrettably ploughed into a couple of cows. I thought being married to a bovine-ass vet would be glamorous. But the reality was that Bob would disappear on work trips for weeks at a time, and I asked him, why do you have to work so much, and how come there's so little money in our bank account? It's then that he came clean. Bob has been married and divorced nine times He has 17 children around the world

And he's paying child support for every single one of them Bob, is this true that you have 17 children? Yes Bernard, Sadie, David, Jason, Ellie, Ariadne Sandra, Ganymede, Timothy, Marie Juan, Juan, Juan Juan, Juan, Juan, Juan Juan, Juan Juan, Juan, Juan, Juan, Juan, and Juan.

And of course, Timothy Chalamet. You're the father of Timothy Chalamet. Yes, and despite earning upwards of $10 million per film, I still have to send him 30 quid every fortnight, which apparently he spends on miniature Melton Mowbray pork pies that he buys online. So all of our money is going to child support for all these kids? Well, that's not totally true. One of them is now an adult, and I'm paying legal

fees to try and get them out of prison in Florida. But really, that's just a bit of a misunderstanding with the Cuban crime family, the CIA, half a ton of cocaine, a pickup truck full of stolen alligators, and a shotgun. It's quite the quinceañera. We're so low on money that basically this is the only thing that we can do to

make money is live stream the birth of our first child to perverts on the internet. Come on, love. It's not just perverts. Some of the people watching are interested in seeing a vet do a doctor's job in a kind of job swap way, in the same way that it would be fun to watch a tree surgeon have a go at a heart transplant, or the builder from the village

people do an extension. Okay, well, look, I understand your plight, but all these people here have come to see a live edition of their favourite beef and dairy industry podcast. Give me a cheer if you're here to see Beef and Dairy Live. And give me a cheer if you're here to watch Tanya give

birth. Quite a lot of perverts out there. Well, do you know what? I think we can do both. Let's do this. The Beef and Dairy Network is sponsored by Glando, the latest gland-based

energy drink from Mitchell's. If it's not Mitchell's, get back in the truck. Glando is made by taking all of the glands from a cow's body, combining them and boiling them until clear. But don't just take our word for it, we're backed by valued celebrity spokesperson, the cyclist Lance Armstrong. For 10% off your first taste of Gando use the code milk my neck that's milk my neck hello and welcome to the beef and dairy network podcast the number one podcast for those involved or just interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. And this edition is a

very special one, as we're recording it live in front of a sold-out crowd! Here at London Agri-Media Con 2023, where a number of agricultural podcasts are doing special live editions. Obviously we're here, but also you can enjoy the likes of Three Veal Salad, Judge John Hogman,

and of course the hardcore conspiracy theorist Meat Fundamentalists know such thing as a fish. Now, before we continue, a quick message from London AgriMediaCon 2023. Thank you for attending London Agri-Media Con 2023. While London Agri-Media Con acknowledges the existence of four meets, this convention will only pay host to podcasts that focus on the top three. We wish patrons to be wary of strung out bow peepers, land dealers and shepherds

trying to gain entrance to the building in order to peddle their mint-slathered kiwi street meat. This year we have had particular problems with shepherds massing at the perimeter fencing and if you see this, please get the attention of a security guard who will do their best to non-lethally taser them

until they are dead. Thank you. Now, also performing here at London Agri-MediaCon 2023, are friends of the show, dance champion Kenny Baratone and his wife Yvonne. Being the parents to 21 children, including a cyclops with a laser eye

and a medical megababy the size of a library, Kenny and Yvonne know their fair bit about parenting. And also, parenting is one of those popular niches in podcasting that are really taking off, like True Crime and Peter Crouch. Which is why they've launched their parenting podcast this year, Kenny and Yvonne's Bullseye Babies. So please welcome Kenny and Yvonne Barreto. Howdy. Hello. Thanks for coming, guys.

Now, obviously lots has changed since we last spoke. When we last spoke, you were on the cusp of a big move to Singapore. Are you currently living in Singapore? We are, yes. Yeah, we've come all the way for this. Wow. Are you paying our travel? I didn't offer to pay your travel. As they say

over there, yes. Now, obviously, the hope was that going over there, your medical mega-baby Talbot would fit in better. For those of you who don't know, Talbot is a huge baby who was a bane of farmers across the North West as he would suck cows dry

and tear horses in half, things like that and he was living in the sewers below Manchester first of all, how did you get Talbot over there to Singapore? We lured him into a shipping container with a trail of horses

and it had to be thoroughbreds into a shipping container with a trail of horses. And it had to be thoroughbreds. That's why there's no Grand National this year. So, but we did it. We got him in. And were the jockeys on the horses? To start with, yes. And then, you know, classic jockeys on the horses? To start with, yes. And then, you know, classic jockeys ended up smoking.

Sorry, what do you mean? You show me a jockey that is smoking a little cigarette. They do it before the horse, do the race, they'll stick it, off the horse, stick it, immediately. Everybody knows this. What's going on? That's what stops them from growing. So Talbot made his way through the horses,

just tearing them in half? No, he sucks them dry first and then gives them a tear. It's easier to tear if they're dry. We all know that, don't we? And then into the shipping container. Yeah. Quickly shut the doors. Yeah.

Onto a shipping, a big ship, I guess. A shipping ship. You've heard of it, yeah. Yeah. You've seen any of the King Kong movies. You know, you get them in there and it wasn't a normal shipping container was it no it was big big shipping container that's the technical term

for it I hope it's not going over everyone's heads but it was a big shipping container yeah and I assume you probably had to put something in the shipping container just to keep him going because that that must have been, what, a six-week journey all by sea to Singapore? Oh, I believe he hibernated.

Yeah. He'd eaten so many horses. That was it now for the rest of the turbulent seas. He was fast asleep Yvonne was singing him the nursery rhyme one day that you always sing him she's made it up as well it's not a classic off the shelf

and I think I speak for everyone when I say we'd love to hear that again Ac rwy'n credu y byddwn i'n slydd i bawb pan dwi'n dweud bod hi'n hoff i'w clywed. Mae'n... Mae'n syml iawn ac yn fyr. Mae'n mynd... Sleipig baby, drink your milk. Sleipig baby, try not to kill. Big baby, try not to kill.

And everybody... Everybody. Big baby, drink your milk. Sleep, big baby, try not to kill. See? Six months. And she couldn't stop. You were both in there with him? No, we was on top of it, but there was a little window,

a little hatch that I could just lift up and put my head through, sleep, big baby, you know the drill. And what was in there was like a big nipple. For him, it was like a comfort thing. And he'd sort of suckle on that. There was no milk in it. He didn't need it. He was full. He was a full baby. Where did you get a big nipple from, Ron?

You can find them. If you want to know, I'll send you the URL, but it will ruin your search algorithm. Just one of the many assets stripped out of Blobbyland. I don't know why it didn't work. OK, so you're in Singapore. Kenny, I believe you've now left darts behind. Obviously, you were a massive darts champion.

That's what everyone knows you for. But darts isn't so big in Singapore, Kenny, I believe you've now left darts behind. Obviously, you were a massive darts champion, that's what everyone knows you for. But darts isn't so big in Singapore, is it? That, but truth be told, I've lost my buff. Yes, now, famously, you would... You'd shooed your hands and you'd play darts by blowing the darts. And you can't do that any more. No, now I've obviously moved, I've had to diversify... ..doing the verbs. Now, you mentioned this last time, Now I've obviously moved, I've had to diversify doing the vapes.

Now, you mentioned this last time, you were hoping to make a living by, and correct me if I'm wrong, vaping the sweat of businessmen in front of other businessmen? Now you say it out loud, it sounds like someone almost made it up on the spot and didn't think they'd ever have to think about it again but yeah, I've been doing that a year now. And Yvonne, I know you've been concerned about Kenny because it's really bringing on the popcorn lung, isn't it?

Oh yeah, it's just getting worse and worse, honestly. When we go to bed, if we roll over and we face the same way and he's sleeping with his mouth open, it smells like the foyer of a cinema. But not a nice refurbished cinema. An old cinema where you can still have a little ciggy indoors. Like an Italian cinema? An Italian cinema.

I didn't want to say it, but we're all thinking it. An Italian cinema. So obviously Talbot was disembarked from the ship. How's he fitting in? I know you were hoping that you could get involved in the... There's a big baby fight club scene in Singapore, isn't there? Yeah. Where they kind of go at each other for money, I think?

Well, there was. There was. Absolutely. What they class as a big baby is nothing compared to Talbot, is it? It's just a slightly large toddler and needless to say, he absolutely tore through them. Mushed them all up like he was making wine. Do you know what I mean?

Baby wine. You can snick that. Snick that out, yeah. We aren't live streaming this. Baby wine. You can snip that. Snip that out, yeah. We are live streaming this. Right, hello. Now, before you both moved to Singapore, you were living in a small terraced house in Bradford.

Yvonne, you were looking after Kenny's 21 children. You were also there with his friend, come mistress, Sally Pottington. Do you miss that situation? Do you miss the kids? How are the 21 kids doing? Do you know what? They're absolutely thriving without us. Really? Yeah, we left them there and they've sort of developed their own ecosystem. Right.

Honestly, we couldn't have asked for better. They've got a little town square, haven't they? They've got a little town square? They've elected a mayor? Yeah. So they've kind of town square, haven't they? They've got a little town square and they've elected a mayor? Yeah. So they've kind of created their own little civilisation? Yeah, it's absolutely beautiful. And do you know what? I wouldn't want to go back and ruin that. Right.

So I'm happy leaving them forever. And Sally Pottington, Kenny's former friend, shall we say, is she there with the children? She's around. Sometimes she finds a way to Singapore, doesn't she? She says she's lost and she turns back the flat,

but that's all right and I'm fine with it. Obviously, Sally and Kenny did have a frisson, if that's what you can call a shag. And I was a little bit annoyed at first, wasn't I? But that's all water under the bridge And you're a changed man We are just good friends And I needed to show her those things

What have we got over here? Those things what we eat all the time Apples Apples, yeah I needed to I was telling her about them She needed to see them for herself I don't understand why you had to lock the door of the bedroom to show her But that's alright Roedd hi angen iddi weld ymlaen. Dwi ddim yn deall pam roeddech chi'n gorfod llocio'r drws o'r ystafell i'w dangos, ond mae hynny'n iawn.

Yn y bach, y bach ar-lein ar-lein. Mae'r tref yn cynhyrchu un apwl bob 100 mlynedd. Ac mae'n gallu cael ei bwydo'n unig os yw'n cael ei weld gan ddwy bobl. Mae'r bwyd yn mynd. Mae'r bwyd yn mynd. be eaten if it's seen by only two people. Oh, the flavour goes. Oh, the flavour goes. She needed to see it. She deserves to see it. Now, you two, obviously, you've got a lot of parenting experience.

And so you've started this parenting podcast, Kenny and Yvonne's Bullseye Babies. What made you decide to start a podcast? Money. Podcast money doesn't seem like a very competitive landscape, to be honest with you. Sort of feels like anyone can do it and people show up, it doesn't matter what you chat about.

There's like, I really don't like my kids and I wish I'd have had them with Rob Beckett and Josh Whittacombe, do you know how many it is? There's three middle-aged beans in a salad, I don't know. Have you listened to that? Three veal salad? Yeah. Yeah, it's good. Gentle. Isn't it?

Very gentle. Now, obviously, every podcast needs a USP. Yeah. What does your podcast do differently that other parenting podcasts don't do? Well, a lot of parenting podcasts obviously teach you how to look after your kids, but I think I'm right in saying we're the only one that teaches you how to defend against them. There's a lot of talk about where to hide. Strategies for fight and flight.

That's fight and flight. Sometimes you need both. Stop, drop and roll, that's a good one. And just good advice on where to find horses and jockeys and any other meats that your massive big mega baby might need. And I'm proud to say, only podcast in the world produced by an omnipotent cyclops. Yeah.

And also, I believe that at the end of every podcast, you teach the listening audience a new nursery rhyme that you came up with. Yeah, Kenny's good at these, actually. Honestly, Kenny's so good at these. And they're quite quick, are they? They're quite fast. I don't think he's got one for the full running time

of the show. Is anyone going to drop a beat? No? Okay. All of you babies in the world, I really wish you could enjoy this apple. But it can only be viewed by up to two people in its lifetime. I'm sorry, but as the flavour goes, I'm sorry. Lizardsmen,

Kenny and Yvonne! Hang on, everyone. Before we sit down, I've got some news. I was going to save it for our podcast, but I'm absolutely brimming with excitement.

Kenny, you didn't tell me about this. What's this? Yvonne's pregnant? No, I'm absolutely brimming with excitement. Kenny, you didn't tell me about this. What's this? Yvonne's pregnant. No, I'm not. Yes, you are, love. I've been monitoring your piss. Have you?

Of course, you're my wife. What? Kenny, that's so romantic. But, Kenny, we've not made love in months. You said your popcorn lung couldn't stand it. I know, last time we tried, I ended up coughing up salt, butter and sweet caramel. So the situation, to be honest, it does have me asking questions.

I swear, on your 21 children's lives, the only thing that's been up there is the end of an old cricket bat. Honestly. No, I swear down. Then how, love? Well, I don't know, Kenny. Can we talk about this later?

Look, sorry to interrupt, but as someone who has given birth to a huge baby, do you have any advice for our also pregnant guest? Yvonne, this is Tanya. Hiya. Oh, hi, Tanya. And this is her partner, Bob Tuscothic. Oh, Bob.

Hello, Yvonne. Hang on. You know Bob? I'd put this out of my mind, but seeing Bob now, it's all coming back to me. Washing over me like so many boiling hot Oranginas, carelessly thrown back in the heat of the night. It was the evening before I was due to fly out to Singapore, and I knew it was my last chance to experience the exquisite beauty of Bradford City Centre. It was a balmy night and I remember my PVC bikini squeaked

as I walked down the high street. My eyes hungrily absorbing all the things I knew I would no longer see in Singapore. Haddock and chips, wrapped in newspaper, the headquarters of a Morrison's. A 65-year-old woman wearing a sash saying Mother of the Bride, puking into the face of a police horse. And then there was Bob, assisting one of Bradford's many TB-ridden street pigs. Our eyes locked and instantly the atmosphere was electric. And it wasn't just the huge amount of static created by my PVC bikini.

Within moments, we were on the back seat of his Hyundai i10. And it... Well, let's put it this way. It wasn't just the Orangina that was hot. Yn un adeg, roedden ni ar y sefydliad o'i Hyundai i10. Ac, wel, gadewch i ni ei ddweud yn y ffordd hon. Nid oedd dim ond yr orangina sy'n hwt. Yn sexyntiaid, fe wnaeth hi'n ymrwymo fel y tren. Felly, gallaf i ddynnu arno, pan fydd yn symud. The next morning I woke up in his car Covered in cold Orangina And he was gone So me and my PVC bikini

Walked straight to Heathrow Airport And flew to Singapore Gosh I mean you'd have to think that Bob is probably the father Did you use protection, Yvonne? No, I was always told you can't get pregnant if it's in a car I was also a firm believer in that rule But, you know, maybe he's right

I can't believe you've got pregnant by a vet, Yvonne I'm delighted The boy's not mine So I don't have to pay for it. Another baritone added to the clan. Scott Free. Oh, great. Right. Well, back to the Great British Birthnanza Live.

The Great Big British Birthnanza. Live. In association with Hyundai. Welcome back to the Great British Birdmanza Live! Sadly, no movement as yet. It's beginning to look like trying to give birth during a specific 60-minute period was naive. Luckily, when it happens, I'm still getting paid in Hyundai's recreational epidurals. Tanya, what's going on?

The baby's not coming. And if I don't give birth in this hour slot, we don't get paid a penny. We've tried everything. Eating a pineapple. Sex. Eating a hot curry. Having sex whilst eating a hot curry. Having sex with a pineapple while Bob ate a curry.

Hiya, love. Kenny Baraton here. You know what worked for us? I just looked directly at Yvonne's vulva and shouted, out! Yeah. It was out within minutes

and absolutely livid. Oh, yeah, it was proper pissed off. Kenny and Yvonne, you're both now parents and gurus. Do you have any other advice? Just, when it comes out, have a good time. Thank you, Kenny.

Now, Bob, obviously things are a bit different with cattle, Bob Obviously things are a bit different with cattle, Bob But what would you normally do with a cow that isn't giving birth? There's a number of different methods But what I'd usually do is just reverse a transit van into it And that works? Not often, to be honest Okay, well it seems like those of you on the live stream

waiting for that baby will have to hang on. And now for a word from our sponsor. Beef and Dairy Network Live is sponsored by Glando, the latest gland-based energy drink from Mitchell's. If it's not Mitchell's, get back in the truck. Do you struggle to get out of bed in the morning? Feel lethargic at work? Glando has the answer, and the answer is Glando.

Glando is scientifically proven to put you into fight-or-flight mode with just one sip of our boiled-until-clear formula. Feel energized and terrified all day with just one bottle. And it tastes great. Oh, good God. For 10% off your first taste of Glando, use the code CHUNKS. Now, as part of our contract with Glando,

all of us here on stage must taste the drink in front of the audience. So charge your glasses. Three, two, one, down the hatch. Let's try it. Ooh! Holy shit! Ah!

Are you having that? It's all right. Viscous. More after this. Now, out there, I know that there are those of you whose job is to hire people whether you're an hr manager or you're a small business owner who's trying to grow their team and you have a very hard job but what if i were to tell you that there's something that can make your whole hiring process faster and easier it's zip recruiter zip recruiter has powerful technology that identifies

people with skills and experience that match your job. And then you can look at the system and easily invite your top candidates to apply for your job, which means they're much more likely to apply sooner, thus saving you time. No wonder it is trusted by over 3.8 million businesses who have used ZipRecruiter for their hiring needs. So all you hiring heroes, let ZipRecruiter help make your job easier. Four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Go to ZipRecruiter.com slash beef to try ZipRecruiter for free. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash B-E-E-F. Now it's time to introduce our next guest. Someone super recognisable to anyone in this room,

yet we've never seen her face. Of course, it's the hand model behind the Bovine Farmers Union Do It With Your Hands campaign. It's Anne Ox! Hello. Now, Anne, it's such a great pleasure to have you on the show. Everyone's seen the posters, a campaign to get people back into the old ways of hand milking,

and those are your hands. Yes, that's right, those are my hands. Now, I believe you weren't actually always a hand model, is that right? No, no, I wasn't. It was actually my current fiancé who encouraged me to be a hand model. Before I met him, I was going nowhere. I was a business coach who helped businesses branch out into desserts. So hang on, how does that work?

Oh, well, let's role play. You pretend you're from an ailing business. Okay, so let's imagine I'm the CEO of a business that sells leather to car seat manufacturers. Great. Okay, and what are the main challenges facing your business? Okay, the rising cost of energy, Brexit. I'll stop you there. Have you tried branching out into desserts? branching out into desserts. I see the problem now. Yeah.

So one day I asked myself, why have I gone into this line of business? Was it because I was truly passionate about desserts? Or was it because I sneezed at an auction and bought 100,000 trifles by mistake? Aha. I knew something needed to shift, but it wasn't until I met my fiancé, and he suggested I become a hand model, that my life changed.

And I'd like to introduce him tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, please meet my future husband, Barry. Hello, everyone. I work in a bin factory. It's Jonathan Tanzano! Helo, bawb. Rwy'n gweithio mewn ffactor bin. Mae'n Jonathan Tonzano! Barry. Jonathan Tonzano. Barry. Jonathan Tonzano. Nawr, mae hyn yn rhywbeth anodd.

Ond er mwyn ddarganfod i'r cyflwyniad, cyfarwyd ni, Barry, yn y fwyaf sioe y flwyddyn diwethaf, yn yr un lle roeddech chi wedi casglu Tanya, a wed very show last year, in which you were married to Tanya, who then ran off with Bob Jaskotik just moments later. And that must have affected you terribly. How have things changed for you, Barry? Fundamentally, my life hasn't changed all that much.

Making pins, making pins, making pins all day Short pins, long pins, pins, pins, pins If the pins go wrong, we put them in the bins I make pins, pins, pins, pins Pins, pins. Barry, it was weird when you did that last year, and it was weird again now. I work in a pin factory.

I think we've got that, Baza. But you don't just work in a pin factory, honey bun. Tell them. Well, I still work at the pin factory honey bun tell them well i still work at the pin factory but things have changed shortly after i was left at the altar everything changed when the three men who owned the pin factory sadly died they were my mentors giants of men the three kings of the british pin industry king pins you could say. No, a king pin is a very specific kind of pin. Right.

And I would know. Yeah. I work in a pin factory. Got it. He does work in a pin factory. I know! So you're telling me these three kings of the pin industry died? Oh, yes. It was awful.

Buck F. Tuckins. Tuck B. Fuckins. And Fuck T. Buckins. Wow. Wow. So sad. A reminder to us all, never eat prawns off a buffet that's in direct sunlight.

Unbeknownst to me, Buck, Tuck and Fuck had all left their share of the factory to me. And overnight I became the boss. Wow! I own a pin factory. And that's how we met.

I was brought in as a consultant and suggested they branch out into desserts. And that day, we learned a valuable lesson about never packaging desserts and pins in the same factory. It was a disaster. But when I sat there watching her beautiful hands pulling 45 pins out of a single tiramisu,

I knew that those hands had to be the hands that held our pins in our advertising campaigns. And I knew that those had to be the hands of my wife. So I had a choice. I had to either pay her to have her hands removed and grafted onto a different woman, or propose to her. And so, Barry made me the happiest woman in the world. He's kind, generous, and sexually, he goes like a train.

A rock-hard, high-speed virgin. Now, Barry, is it going to be awkward for you seeing Tanya for the first time since she jilted you at the altar? Barry, I just was listening over there to this sorry story and I think I can tell that you do miss me. Tanya, even though on this very stage last year you married me and then not two minutes later ran away with Bob Triscothic, I'd like to say thank you. I realised that I wasn't happy back then when we were together.

No, that's not true. You were beside yourself with happiness. I'm sorry, I wasn't. Well, we're very happy too, aren't we? Yeah, I suppose so. Er, well, no, yeah. I'm pleased for you, I suppose so. Well, no. Yeah. I'm pleased for you. I really am. And to prove there's no hard feelings,

I'd like to open this bottle of 1994 Chateau de Beef, de Beef, de Beef, fizzy beef wine in your honour. That's very magnanimous of you, Barry. Who wants some? I know Anne does. Um, I won't, Barry. Well, why not? You love Chateau de Beef de Beef de Beef. Yes, I do love Chateau de Beef de Beef de Beef.

It's just, I... It's just, I, um... I can't. What do you mean? Barry, I'm pregnant But we've never made love You said you were saving yourself until we got married to prove to me that you weren't just after me

for my money in Pin Factory which now that I say it out loud doesn't make any sense I'm sorry Barry Who have you slept with? money in pin factory which now that i say it out loud doesn't make any sense i'm sorry barry well who have you slept with sorry barry i got a call from my modeling agency a bovine arse vet was looking for someone with very small, very soft hands to gently remove a cyst from a tiny calf's anus. When I arrived at the job, I was bewitched.

I couldn't take my eyes off the vet. So much so, I wasn't really looking at what I was doing. I didn't realise I was at the wrong end of the calf and well, that calf had to go and live on a farm. A farm for calves that's eyes have been gently removed

by very small, very soft hands. After the procedure, the vet invited me into the back of his Hyundai i10, where he plugged in a mini travel kettle into the cigarette lighter, warmed up the contents of a family-sized two-litre bottle of Orangina. And, well, let's just say that's not all he heated up. He also heated up two smaller bottles of Orangina. It was the greatest night of my life.

Sexually, he goes like a train. Insofar as what he did was so unusual, I felt I should report it to the British Transport Police. See it. Say it. Sorted. say it sorted the morning came I woke up

and he was just like that poor calves eyes completely gone gosh anything you'd like to say Barry I work in a bin factory Gosh! Anything you'd like to say, Barry? I work in a bin factory! The Great Big British Birthnanza. Live.

In association with Hyundai. I'm sorry, birth fans, the baby still isn't... Look, Tanya, I've been thinking. I know we've got a history, but I don't like seeing you like this. Giving birth to this room, absolutely packed to the rafters with perverts. It's not right. I own a £1.9 billion pin business, for goodness sake.

Please let me pay off your debts so you can give birth in private. Barry, did you say £1.9 billion? I own a pin factory. Everyone, I have some news. I don't think the baby is Bob's. What? That's right. I just want to check something. You did say billion, didn't's. What? That's right. I just want to check something.

You did say billion, didn't you, Barry? That's right. When Buck F. Tuckins Tuck B. Fuckins and Fuck T. Buckins left me the factory, it was worth just shy of 1.9 billion pounds. Right, I'm sorry, Bob. I think actually it's Barry that's the father. But how can that be? We haven't even seen each other for a year. Well, it's possible, isn't it?

Bob, you're a vet, you know these things. I'd say there are 1.9 billion crazy possibilities in this world, right? Not really. I mean, if you were a rhino, maybe. Not really. I mean, if you were a rhino, maybe. Well, I can think of 1.9 billion reasons why it might be the case. Oh, I see. Yes, well, possible, certainly. I think I read that sometimes when someone is really boring,

their sperm takes a very long time to get there. I wouldn't be surprised if Barry's sperm aren't stopping at every opportunity to tell different parts of Tanya's womb that they work at a baby factory. This is a lot to take in. You know what, Barry? Maybe the simplest thing would be just split the 1.9 billion now. Tell you what, I'll just take the 0.9. What do you make of all this, Dr. Sam? Look, for many years I was the in-house doctor on Jeremy Kyle. And what I learned on that show was two things.

Firstly, just because someone doesn't have any teeth, it doesn't mean they can't bite you. And secondly, a DNA test can bring great clarity to situations like this. Oh, come on, we don't need to do that. I'll take the 0.9 bill as a check, Barry, if that's easiest. A traveller's check. Or just loads of 50p's, however you've got it, really. I won't accept Scottish notes, though.

No, I think a DNA test is a good idea. OK, well, while Dr Sam readies the DNA test, it's time for another word from our sponsor. Beef and Dairy Network Live is sponsored by Glando, the latest gland-based energy drink from Mitchell's. If it's not Mitchell's, get back in the truck. Here at Mitchell's, we're passionate about the power of glands. You could say we've got glandular fever.

Over 80% of our workforce have glandular fever. And it tastes great. And it tastes great. And it tastes great. For 10% off your first taste of Glando, is the DNA test ready? Yes, all ready. Before we go any further, apropos of nothing, I would also like to go on the record and say that I have also had sex with Bob in the last year.

I saw I recognised you. What can I say? Sexually, he goes like a train. In the where I live in rural Berkshire, for some reason on Sunday he won't come after 4pm. Well, there we are. Let's bring up Barry and Kenny. Welcome back.

Yes, thank you all for your DNA samples, Bob and Barry. And also thank you for throwing your hat into the ring as well, Kenny. Well, you never know when you might win a prize. But I do think I owe you an apology for the manner in which I delivered the DNA sample. I didn't realise you could just do a swab. So, did you sleep with

Tanya, Kenny? I can't remember. Everyone, I was looking at the ceiling. She was wearing a Venetian mask. I don't know. Oh, for God's at the ceiling. She was wearing a Venetian mask. I don't know. Oh, for God's sake, Kenny. So what we have here is my DNA test set up. Just to get you through it,

that's one baby and three potential fathers. It's what we call in medicine the full Mamma Mia. OK, so let's try Bob first. OK, is Bob the daddy? Ah. Oh. Ooh. That looks like a no.

How does that feel, Bob? Well, I was looking forward to being a father again, but perhaps this way I can devote more time to Bernard, Sadie, David, Jason, Eliari, Anessandra, Ganymede, Timothy, Marie, Juan, Juan, Juan, Juan, Juan, Juan, Juan, Juan, Juan, Juan, and Juan. And Timothy Chalamet? Fuck Chalamet.

Buy your own miniature pork pies. You're a fully grown actor. Can I just clear something up, actually? You said David Jason. Are they separate people, or are you the father of David Jason? Yes, no, both. Please take it away,

Dr. Sam. Okay, next up, it is Barry. Barry! Oh, Barry, the baby isn't yours. I'm relieved, actually. It would only have gotten in the way of my work in the pin factory. Where I work. I work in the pin factory. Where I work. I work in a pin factory.

OK, so it's not Bob. And it's not Barry. Kenny, I swear, if this baby's yours, I'm going to set the Cyclops on you. Steady on, love. Let's see what the machine says. OK, let's see. OK. OK. Kenny, it's not yours!

Thank God I'm relieved, for I cannot sire another deadly mutant. So, Dr. Sam, if it's not Bob's, it's not Barry's, it's not Kenny's, whose is it? Oh, OK, well, the machine says... The machine says virgin birth. It's a virgin birth! It's a virgin birth! virgin birth. It's a virgin birth!

It's definitely not. So I should explain, this doesn't necessarily mean that you're a virgin, but it does mean that God is the father of your child. Whoa, is this, um, is this common in medicine? More common than you think. One in 38 people is an immaculate conception.

Wow. And Jesus just is like the main one that people know about. He's got the PR team, but there's plenty more. Eamon Holmes? He knows one. Okay, just to mop up any confusion, Anne. Yes. Right. The father of your child is Bob.

Oh. I did have a feeling I can still smell the hot orangeina. And, Yvonne? Yes? The reading that came back from your baby, Yvonne, is... The screen says, the end of an old cricket bat. It's the end of an old cricket bat! How's that?

Yeah, fair enough. Yeah, that does make sense. There's also something else rather disturbing in the DNA data, but I'm going to give that to myself to build dramatic tension.

So hang on. We've got a virgin birth. Shepherds trying to get into the venue. The three kings of the pin industry. An ox. away in a manger no crib for a bed the little lord jesus laid down his beef head. The star... Oh, my God! Oh, and it's happening!

I think the baby's coming! Okay, Tanya, it's time for you to switch to the close-up camera. No, no, no. No, I'll pay their debts. Tanya doesn't need to give birth in front of all these perverts. Go and have your baby in peace. I work in a pin factory. Thank you, Barry.

What are we going to do, Kenny? Yvonne, my beautiful Yvonne. I want to bring up your cricket bat son as if it were my own. However it comes out I'll take care of it. That is my pledge and I'll use pledges. If it's mainly wood, can't hurt. We just don't know at this stage, do we? Penny, the only reason we're in this predicament is because you won't stop vaping. If it wasn't for your popcorn lung,

I'd be sleeping with you rather than the end of an old cricket bat. Thank you. I love you, Yvonne, but just out of interest, which end of the cricket bat was it? A lady never tells. Come on then, you big sausage. Let's, but I want to stay with you. And I'm not just staying with you for your 1.9 billion pound pin empire.

I want you to know that. I know you're not. billion pound pin empire. I want you to know that. I know you're not. That's why I've decided that I intend to give away all my money to a charity that provides pins to people who don't have pins. Oh, for fuck's sake.

And the most important thing is with you, Anne? Anne? Where are you going, Anne? Anne! I work in a pin factory! Look, Bob, I know the baby's not yours, but I want you to be his father. Hearing about the way you slept with all those other women, it made me incredibly jealous. And for some perverse reason, almost certainly to do with the relationship that I have with my own father, it made me realise that you are the one for me.

Oh, Tanya, I'll never cheat on you again in a way you could possibly find out about. Thank you, Bob. That's so thoughtful. The baby, he's beautiful. Isn't he? My baby beef he's got your beef

I'm going to call him Glenderman thank you right at the end there what was revealed was that um the tanya's baby was was um was like a roasting joint of beef i sort of have to tell you that i think for it to make sense but even then i don't think it makes sense you know now i look back on it uh a week hence anyway thanks to tom neenan tom crowley anna leong brophy chris cantrell amy gladhill nargi kamal and mike Wozniak. Also, thanks to Greg Johnson, who did visuals and videos on the day, which obviously you can't see here, but thanks to him nonetheless.

Also, of course, thanks to Linnea Sage, the voice of Mitchells, who appeared on screen. What a treat that was. And thanks to any of you who came. What a great time we had. If you would like to watch the show, I mean, you've heard most of it now, so you probably don't. But if you would like to watch the show, which has got some extra bits in that, you know, make no sense on audio, so we didn't put in, it is possible to watch for a few more days. You can buy a ticket and watch the stream. I will put a link to that in the show notes for this podcast, and you can see all of our beautiful costumes. Anyway, until next time, beef out. and you can see all of our beautiful costumes. Anyway, until next time,

beef out. Hi, this is Laurie Kilmartin. And I'm Jackie Cashion, and we have a podcast called The Jackie and Laurie Show on MaxFun, and it's very exciting, because what do we talk about? Comedy. Stand-up comedy.

We both do stand-up comedy and have since the dawn of Christ. Well, Jackie... Is that offensive? It is offensive to me because you've aged me. We started in the late 80s and we're still here. You can't kill us.

So go to the Jackie and Laurie show on MaxFun and listen to that. The Jackie and Laurie Show. New episodes Monday. Only on MaximumFun.org. The Jack and Laurie Show. The Jack and Laurie Show. Greatest Trek is the podcast for all your modern Star Trek needs. It's funny, informative, and now it's also timely.

That's because every Friday right after the release of a new episode of Strange New Worlds, Picard, Lower Decks, Discovery, or Prodigy, we bring you a review of that episode. There's some great new Star Trek coming up, and we're going to cover all of it. You'll like our show because we're both former video producers, so we bring a lot of insight into the production and filmmaking aspects to these episodes. And we also have a very refined sense of humor, so we make lots of delightful fart jokes along the way. So come see why Greatest Trek is one of the most popular

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