Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 108 - Beef Call Update

Episode Date: March 25, 2024

It's MaxFunDrive! To support the show, go to maximumfun.org/joinSammy Dobson, Mike Wozniak, Max Davis, Tom Crowley, Gemma Arrowsmith and Cameron Smith join in this week as we get an update about our weekly live quiz livestream, Beef Call. Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.comMusic credit courtesy of epidemicsound.com:Mysteries Of The Forest/ Calm ShoresMusic by Podington Bear:“60s Quiz Show” “Climbing The Mountain” “Gizmo” “Pure Swell” “Bit Rio”  

Hello, Benjamin Partridge here. I make Beef and Dairy Network podcast. Or is it the Beef and Dairy Network podcast? Because that's what I say normally, but actually if you look at it, it's on iTunes and Spotify and everything as Beef and Dairy Network podcast. I should probably work out what the podcast is called. If you want to acronym it, it's Badnup. Or is it Tobadnup? Anyway, it is MaxFunDrive. What's MaxFunDrive? It's the two-week period where shows on the MaximumFun network, such as this one, ask their listeners for their support. We also do some special stuff around MaxFunDrive, and that's the reason why this is your second episode in two weeks. If you're into the podcast, why not go to maximumfun.org forward slash join

and consider signing up to support the podcast. It would mean a lot to me and I say thank you in advance. And please enjoy the show. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is sponsored by Glando, the latest gland based energy drink from Mitchell's. If it's not Mitchell's, get back in the truck. Parents are always asking us, is Glando suitable for children? The answer is, it depends how strong they are. And the simplest way to ensure your kids are strong?

Glando! And what's the best child-friendly Glando delivery system? The new Glando yogurt, Glando Grecian churn available in tub family sharing bin or bejeweled urn also available as a vape for 10% off your first taste of Glando Gurd use the code fillmyurn with Grecian churn Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved or just interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website and a printed magazine, brought to you by Glando Grecian Cun Glandogat.

Now, obviously, usually the podcast is released once a month, or if you're listening on an oil rig or in Turkish prison, you'll receive them in 12 month bundles dropped from a helicopter. And of course, we released an episode last week, but what you're listening to now isn't an episode in the conventional sense, more an important update about the future of our weekly live quiz livestream which takes place every Wednesday afternoon on the Network website. That's right, it's Beef Call. Over the years we've had various problems with the phone number we give out for prospective quizzes to call. Some of the numbers were deemed too long and hard to remember,

some so short as to be blunt, and one was problematic because if you were in France, it called the police. So, we've decided to scrap it entirely. Now, if you'd like to compete on Beef Call, you must simply write us a letter and post it to us, and if you're successful, we'll call you. So, get a pen and paper ready, here comes the new address for Beef Call.

Wherever you're standing, turn to face the sun and keep walking. That's right. Keep going. You'll know when to stop when five golden eagles circle in the sky. Directly beneath their whirling wings, you'll find a deep fissure in the ground. Lower yourself through this aperture and you'll find yourself in a vast subterranean grotto. Down there are animals who have not seen the light of the sun for over 20 millennia, and as such they have evolved to have no head, lungs, liver, or anus. Beware the assless blind cave wolf.

In the obsidian dark use your hands to feel your way through the passages which make up this giant underground labyrinth. You're getting closer now. Can you feel the cool wind on your face? Or is that the icy breath of an assless wolf? And if it is the breath of an assless, blind, jaundiced cave wolf, how does it breathe when it doesn't have lungs or a mouth or an anus? Spend too long thinking about these questions and the gilled, assless, blind, jaundiced

cave wolf will be upon you, tearing at your neck with not his jaws because it doesn't have a head or lungs or a liver or an anus. But whatever it does, it'll be horrible. Follow the source of the breeze, and with luck you will find your way out, blinking naked, into the sun. There you will be met by a natural spring with crystal clear cool water. Here you must drink deep. For many arid days lie ahead as you cross

the desert plains which stand between you and AYLSBORY! So simply write that on an envelope, put your phone number inside the envelope and we'll call you. And on that call we'll give you a number for you to ring us. It's as simple as that. And this week, one of the lucky few was Sandra from Newcastle. Hello, what's your name? Where are you calling from? Hello, hello, my name's Sandra and I'm from Newcastle. Hello Sandra, what keeps you busy up there in Newcastle? Well I've got kids, lots of them, a few cats, some dogs and mice but they're not pets, that's just a problem I've got.

Okay, why don't you give a nice shout out to your kids? Hello, you all alright there? I've left you with your dad so God knows what might happen. That's the triplets and then the last one, he was a mistake. Big shout out to the last one, what's his name? We didn't bother in the end. Okay, now you're going to play a game called Beat the Bell. Oh. Be-Be-Beat the Bell.

And you are playing for the potential prize of a basket of fragranced sachets and a small bottle of Baileys Irish cream. Oh, that is tremendous. That's lovely. That, you know, mother of four, lots of pets. I don't get much time to myself. I cannot wait to go mad with that small bottle of Baileys and as many sachets as can fill me nostrils. Wonderful. Well, you'll be playing Beat the Bell. The rules of Beat the Bell are quite simple, but do listen carefully, okay? I'm going to ask you a series of questions, but at any time I could ring my bell. Oh, what happens when you ring a bell? Okay.

So do you want those rules again? Where... just some clarification on that last one, that bell there. Okay, so you'll be asked a series of questions. Yep. Which you must try and get correct. Yep. However... Hmm. At any moment, I could ring my bell. Which you must try and get correct. Yep. However... Hmm...

At any moment I could ring my bell. Oh, but is that a good thing or a bad thing? I just want to check that up front because I am really going mad for them sashes. Okay, question one. You didn't really... Okay, right. What is the capital city of Germany? Oh, well, I've been there on Google Maps and I believe that one is Berlin.

Correct. That's the first question correct. Question two, what is the colloquial name given to the orca? The orca. The orca. That is the killer whale, killer whale. Black and white, two-tuned black and white army of whales.

That's correct. Oh brilliant. One step closer to those fragranced sachets and of course that small bottle of Bailey's Irish cream. Luxury. Oh. Oh, well that bell's gone. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

I don't know whether to be excited or not there. Do I need to bong back? Will that make the questions come back there? Oh, that's already gone. Could you just clarify what the bell going off means? So I've just rung my bell there, Sandra, you'll hear that. Yeah, I did, yeah. So concentrate on this next question.

Do I need to concentrate because the bell has put the question in jeopardy somewhat? Is it now a bonus question? Is that what the bell means? Does that change a normal question into a bonus question? Does it mean if I get this one wrong I lose everything? Is it somehow a double in points? Could you just explain what the presence of the bell? Question three. Complete the full title of the Beach Boys song, Surfing What? Well, you see now I do know the answer,

but I am scared to give that answer now. The bell's gone a few times because I could have... Oh, and there it is again. Oh, there's that bloody bell. Could you just tell us what the bell means? Because I'm starting to get a little bit panicked. It's slightly marred, actually, there, because you're not really explaining the bell itself.

The bell keeps going. I've heard it there a few times. But I'd like to know quite clearly from you, is that a good thing or a bad thing? Because it's surfing USA. It's surfing. We know it's surfing USA. It's Surfing USA. Correct! That's correct.

Third question correct. Lovely. Well done Sandra. Thank you so much. Could you explain what that bell keeps donking for? Because I don't know if I'm going to end up with one sashay here or too many for me house. It's already quite full of children. Right, I did hear that bell again then. What's happening here is I keep asking you about that bell and you're not clarifying it. I don't know if every time it goes and I bring the bell up that's somehow worse. There it is again. Right, I really am going

to need a straight answer on that. No, no. Oh Sandra, Sandra, Sandra, I'm sorry. You've been beaten by the bell. You were trying to beat the bell sorry you've been beaten by the bell, you were trying to beat the bell but you've been beaten by the bell. Well yes I have, I've clearly been beaten by the bell because no one would explain it was what the bell was, what the function of the bell was. So yeah the bell has won but the bell had held all the cards there didn't it really, the bell held the cards in that game. Is that the point of the game?

Is that the point of the game? Just to wind up women, do you know how much time I get to myself? Do you understand? Do you understand what I've had to do to come and play this tonight? So yes, those fragrant sachets and of course that small bottle of Bailey's Irish cream are now out of your grasp unfortunately. That's f**king terrific, thanks. Thanks so much. F**king beat your own bell. See you Sandra. Hi.

Hello caller, who are you and where are you from? Greetings, I am King Penegor of the Lowland Folk, son of Grobo, vanquisher of the cave beasts of Mount Galdor and heir to the lands of Anas-Har and the enchanted emerald mines of Boon. And I'm calling from the shores of the Black Lakes of Gimbadore. Ah yes, King Panagor, you are a former Beef Call contestant, I believe in the part you've played Beef All Burst. A dark day for my kingdom. I wagered the entire wealth of my people and lost, plunging the lowlands into a dark age, the likes of which had not been seen since the sacking of Pandarno by the cloud wraiths of the purple hills of the east. Children roam the streets in rags and

breakfast on horse's piss." Okay, so am I to assume that you want to play again? "...I want to once more face beef or bust, vanquish my past and regain the fortunes of my kinsfolk. And tonight, when I return to the castle with the inheritance of our forefathers, we will feast like never before. I have already slaughtered over 1,000 head of forest beef." Right, well obviously I'd love for you to be able to eat all that forest beef, so I'm happy to give you another go. What do you think went wrong last time for you, King Penegor? I was foolish. I entered into a film quiz without any knowledge of what a film was.

I had never seen these intoxicating moving pictures before. That's right, now I believe we've managed to find a clip of your appearance. We can just play it now. In the film Gone With The Wind, what famous line does Clark Gable say as he leaves the house at the end of the film? I'm sorry, I don't know. What is film? Let's see if that's correct. Bust.

Oh, sorry! You've gone bust. No! Sorry, that's not the right answer. The answer was, frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. I bet you're kicking yourself now, aren't you? And of course, now you've lost the entire wealth of your kingdom. What have I done? I curse thee, sir. That was the lowest moment in my dynasty's history.

And that includes when the scorpion priests of Ascarmoth came to the throne. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I cursed thee, sir." That was the lowest moment in my dynasty's history. And that includes when the scorpion priests of Ascarmoth cursed my uncle Danagor to shit pinecones for a thousand years. Yes, so as you said you would like to have another chance. Are you sure that's a good idea, because you did show your complete lack of film knowledge last time you were on the

show? you did show your complete lack of film knowledge last time you were on the show. witch of Gimbadore appeared to me. King Penagor, you have traveled long, across the dry plains of Sanabar, through the Elkin Pass and the salt caves of Tinaron. Here on the shores of the Black Lakes of Gimbadore, you will be rewarded. What rewards can you furnish me with, sweet enchantress? I have concocted a broth foul to the taste which will slow down time in such a way that in just a second you will be able to watch every moving picture ever created. Then you may return to Beef Call, take on the Film Quiz, and win back the treasures of your people. Yes, witch, yes.

However, there is one condition. In order to imbibe my enchanted broth, you must cut off your own arm really yes okay Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh... I'm very sorry to curse in front of you, witch, but... FUCK!

As the blood sprays from your armhole, I shall take your arm and use it to stir the broth. Once you have drunk the broth, time will slow down, such that you will be able to watch every motion picture ever made on this portable DVD player in what will seem to the rest of the world like the blink of an eye. Yes, sweet witch. Enjoy yourself. I would recommend starting with something good like the Dreamworks movie, Ants. I have heard the bard's talk of ants. And of course, I have seen the sumptuous Ants' tapestries in the Temple of Groon.

Some people say it's unfortunate that it came out at the same time as A Bug's Life. But I think we should just be grateful for that period, where we could go to the cinema and watch two very good CGI movies about insects. It's not a competition. We were all winning. Goodbye. Goodbye. So are you telling me that you've watched every film ever made. That is correct. It has taken me over 6,000 years. My beard has grown long and grey, and my scrotum is gnarled and pocked with deep craters. Er... Why?

I don't know. Right. I have seen every motion picture ever created. Some not so good, some truly wonderful, such as ants. Great. I also liked the crudes. Okay, so this is Beef or Bust? Beef or Bust?

So first of all, what are you going to pledge in order to win that big prize you need to pledge something of a similar gravity. I have little to offer as my kingdom is penniless but I have entered into an agreement with the swamp elves of Sanagon who will underwrite my quest with the profits from their sapphire mine and if I win they will receive a portion of my bounty. Gems, scrolls, the quartz hammer of the snake people. And if you lose? It is inconceivable that I shall lose.

But in that event, the elves will tear me asunder, from anus to mouth, as they did to my mother, Gelgarth, the brothel queen of Antalor." Okay, well let's see what the computer says… Yes, it's accepted that as your pledge. Thank you, oh magic chest. Let's play Beef or Burst? Beef or Burst? Beef or Burst? Come on, Penegor.

So like last time, it's a film quiz and it's very simple once more. Just one question. Yes, yes, yes, spit it out. Okay, here's your question. In the movie Jumanji, Welcome to the Jungle, which actor plays the female lead character, Ruby Roundhouse? Elves ready thy hands for the tearing curses! I curse all of you! Is everything okay, King Penagor? When I claimed to have seen every single motion picture, that was a slight untruth. There are only two motion pictures I haven't seen. One is Jumanji,

Welcome to the Jungle. The other is Jumanji, The Next Level. I was so entranced by the original Jumanji that I felt it disrespectful to watch the needless remakes." I think strictly speaking they're sequels rather than remakes. It matters not! Jumanji was perfect and did not need adding two. I mean that's unfortunate for you, but you can still give an answer. Maybe you can have a guess. You played Ruby Roundhouse. Er, alright. Is it, erm, is it Sandra Bullock? Bust.

I'm sorry, King Peneor, you've gone burst. No! It was of course Karen Gillan. Oh of course Karen Gillan! Curses! A pox on your household! Human of the damned! Bedfellow of the wicked! May the halls of the afterlife be decorated with your entrails! May hogs eat your eyes! Ah forgive me lowland folk! Your king is a fool! You will be better off without me! Govern thyselves lowland folk! Your king is the most pathetic jester that ever capered upon

this silver globe!" Well obviously there's a lot of big emotions flying around King Penagor but uh... Oh I see the witch before me, sweet witch! King Penagor, I shall convey you to the elven folk who shall tear you mouth to anus. Foul witch, unhand me! Do not resist, or I shall conjure lobsters to feast on your beleaguered testicles. I curse thee by the nine red stars and the seven waxen moons of the western sky. I will not sing your wicked song. Come on, you old bastard.

I can feel their elven hands upon my anus! Please spare me! The lowland folk need their king! No! Aaaaaaahhhhhhh! Aaaaaaahhhhhhh! Beefcore! More after this. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is sponsored by its listeners through the podcast's network

Maximum Fun. If it's not Maximum Fun, get back in the truck. Did you know that the existence of this podcast is entirely down to its listeners? The problem with being sponsored by Mitchell's is Mitchell's isn't real. What? What? Is that true? Just read it. To get the overwhelming feeling of well-being that comes from knowing you're supporting the work that you love, go to maximumfun.org slash join. Hello, it's Max Fund Drive. So I'm just going to talk to you for a couple of minutes about you love, go to maximumfund.org slash join.

Hello, it's Max Fund Drive. So I'm just going to talk to you for a couple of minutes about how this podcast is funded. Um, as the wonderful Lenea said in that little advert, Mitchell's aren't a real company and let's face it, if they were, they would be sued out of existence within seconds. We do run normally one ad an episode, but the general model is not to pack all the episodes full of ads, and instead the support that we need to keep the podcast going comes from the likes of you, listeners.

I put a lot of time and effort into this show and we give it away for free and this is your chance to give back to the show in whatever amount works for you. This is quite a niche podcast really and without you it couldn't happen. And when you're a monthly member of Maximum Fun, you're playing a vital role in the creation of this show. Listen and support pays for the production of this show and make sure I can give this podcast the attention it needs and pay contributors who make this show what it is. Making comedy like Beef and Dairy Network is the way I make my living. And so the amount

that comes in, in support from Maximum Fund members, dictates how much time I spend on it. And so I have to say a huge thank you to everyone who already supports and who makes it possible for the fact that I make a comedy podcast that is about the beef and dairy industries and that that is part of how I make my living. I mean, that's mad, but great. So if you're a fan of the podcast and you're happy that it exists, why not consider supporting? The way to do that is through this website. It's really taking off. I think it's going to be up there soon with the Googles and Altavistas of this world and the Space Jam website. It's maximumfun.org forward slash join. Get on there and check

out all the gifts you can get at various tiers. Also, of course, you get bonus episodes. Check it all out at maximumfun.org forward slash join. In fact, why not right now pause the podcast and go and check it out? Unless you're currently captaining like a passenger ferry or this is part of your birth playlist, in which case keep it up. You're doing a great job. Just push! Or don't push.

I'm not sure I've never been at the birth of a child. I think you're meant to push, but you have to do it at the right time. Anyway, don't listen to me. Well, don't listen to me about how best to give birth to a child, but do listen to me about the fact that you should go to maximumfun.org forward slash join and check it out. But do consider calling the child Glenjerman. My baby beef. Anyway, thank you. I appreciate it. Back to the show. Hello caller, what's your name and where are you calling from? Hello, my name is James and I'm calling from Plymouth.

And what do you do James, down there in Plymouth? I'm a tractor seat renovator. Oh brilliant. So talk me through that. So if somebody doesn't want to buy a whole new tractor seat when they've worn through the last one, they bring their tatty old seat to you. Exactly. Yeah. We find that the environmental impact of tractor seats that are thrown into landfill is actually

worse than the airline industry and fast fashion combined. And so what we're trying to do is we're trying to have an ethical company that repairs, reuses and renovates tractor seats to try and cut down on the carbon emissions of farming. Oh, that's very noble of you. And also, I guess there's that sense of like, maybe you can breathe life into your granddad's old seat that he's been farting through for 40 years and then you can have a go on it. Well, you know, it's funny you say that because that was actually the first tractor seat I ever renovated was my grandfather's. He sadly, he passed away on the tractor. He had a massive

heart attack while he was riding the tractor and unfortunately passed a huge amount of wind as the life came out of his body. And so he quite literally had left a very farty smell on the seat. And so what we wanted to do- Is there a chance, James, that that was his soul? Well, I mean, there is a theory, isn't there there that, you know, they say that the body is, I think it's seven pounds lighter when you die. And I do wonder, I mean, given the smell of the Tractacy, I think he probably had passed about seven pounds worth of flatulence that

day. And I guess then with that renovation of that particular Tractacy, you had a decision to make really, which was, do we try and preserve that fug that would, you had a decision to make really, which was do we try and preserve that fug that would remind you of your grandfather or do you try and get rid of it and bring that back to new? That's a bit of a crossroads for you, isn't it? It was a crossroads and it was very difficult because in terms of resale value, you want your refurbished tractor seat to smell as little of flatulence as possible. But as you say, yeah, I mean in terms of the the, um, in terms of the sentimental value, um, and, and having a thing of his to hold

onto at the end, um, and to have, well, precisely, I mean, I had tears in my eyes the whole time, but I don't know if that was the emotion or the smell of the, uh, of the flatulence itself. So it was very difficult. And what, so what did he do in the end? I flogged it on eBay. Nice. Okay, so let's play the quiz. For you, you are about to come face to face with your chance to win a meal for two. That's right, we're playing Feed My Wife. Feed My Wife. My wife. Wow, that's so exciting. It's a funny thing, I've actually been wanting to take my wife out for dinner for a very long time. Where's the restaurant? Yeah, well let's see if we can win you that meal for two.

That sounds very exciting. Which restaurant is it? Where is the meal? So are you ready to play? Let's get that wife of yours fed. Yeah, no, I am ready to play. I just, I want to know why. Just tell me the name of the restaurant and then we can move on. Then I'll play the quiz. I just want to know the name of the restaurant.

It's a very nice restaurant. So let's go. You're ready to play. Let's start. Okay. Off you go. Time's ticking. Yeah, fine. Okay. So just if, What am I? Time's ticking. Yeah, fine. Okay, so just if what am I doing? That meal's slipping away. I don't just tell me I don't understand why this is ridiculous. Tell me tell me what am I supposed to do?

Is there a quiz? Is there a question? What's the question? Hello? I don't understand what what is what is this what is happening what do I have to do to win this meal I need this meal please I have to take my wife out for dinner our marriage is fraying she looks at me like I'm a stranger I can can see the coldness in her eyes. At our wedding, she disappeared with my brother

for 20 minutes. When she came back, her face was very red. She was red-faced. And I've not been able to stop thinking about it since. Please. She went on holiday on her own a couple of weeks ago, and in our family calendar calendar she'd written the words Sex Holiday. What does that mean? Please. We have a son. He looks like me but he doesn't look like her.

Does that mean she's cheating? I don't know. Please. Just tell me how to play this competition. I need, my wife and I need this meal. I think this meal is the only thing that could possibly say that I'm sorry you're out of time That's the end of your time. Fuck. Are you talking? How could I be after we haven't even started? We can't stop I please fuck sake, please. I'm begging you. I need this I can hear a car pulling up in the drive now. She's with a gym instructor He lives in the house with us his name's Ian. I actually read he's a good the drive now. She's with her gym instructor. He lives in the house with us. His name's Ian I actually read he's a good. I like him. He's alright. He's not a bad guy, but please my marriage is in so much trouble James last night. I couldn't sleep because they were in the hot tub in the garden making a racket

It was so loud. It sounded like a fox fighting a bull. It was disgusting The smell was coming in into the double glazing. Well, I'm sorry, James. It's goodbye from us, but best of luck with... Fuck my life! Oh God, please! No, just give me one more chance, please. I need this meal. I need to win this competition. My marriage isn't tappers. Please! Okay, James, not to worry. You've got a second chance. You've got a second chance here James. Do you want to play Beat the Bell? Beat the Bell!

Yes, please, I do. I want to beat the... for the meal. I'll beat the bell for the meal. Okay, the meal's gone, but you will... if you beat the bell, you'll win a hamper full of fragrant sachets and a small bottle of Bailey's Irish cream. Okay. Yeah. No, that's good. I can work with that. I can give her... the sachet's a winner over and she loves Bailey's. Okay. Yeah. I can work with that. I can do that. Let's go. I can do it. What do I need to do? So to play Beat the Bell, you're going to get a series of questions, okay? But at any time, I can ring my bell. Okay, right, fine. Okay, I can do that. And what does the bell mean? Okay, are you ready to start?

What does the bell mean? Why won't you tell me? Fine, forget it, forget it. Yeah, I'll start. Go. OK, James. Question one. What is the capital city of Poland? Warsaw. Correct. OK, great. Question two.

Yep. Who was the Prime Minister immediately prior to Tony Blair? John Major. Correct. Okay. Question three. What kind of bird is a macaw? Oh it's a parrot. Correct it's a parrot. Yeah. Okay so that's the bell. So that means I've won? Is that right? Okay, so I've rung the bell. Yep, okay. So I'm looking very carefully at what you're going to do next.

What am I going to do? You've rung the bell so I have to do something? Is that right? Okay, question four. What is the world's highest mountain? What does the bell mean? I'm asking for, please, I need these fragrant sachets and a small bottle of Bailey's Irish cream. Please, I need this for my marriage. You don't understand. It's completely on the rocks. Mount Everest, by the way. It's Mount Everest. Now, please, can I just have the prize? Correct. Okay, great. So have I won? Is that it? Is it over?

What does the bell, why are you ringing the bell again? Is that, I know that it? Is it over? What? Does the bell? Why are you ringing the bell again? Does... is that... I know that it's Mount Everest, so... So I've won. The bell means I've won. Yes? Or is it like a special round? Are we in a different round now? Or is it something else? Is there another... Is the meal back on the table? Because if the meal is back on the table, that's a game changer for me. Why are you ringing it again?

Sorry, James. Sorry, James. You failed to beat the bell. No! But I answered all the questions. Please. You didn't beat the bell, so I'm afraid those fragrant sachets and that small bottle of bellotira's cream have fallen out of your grasp.

No, no, no, what now? I need a good night's sleep. I can't be kept awake anymore by the sound of my wife and Ian copulating in the back garden. Please help me! I need something! Is there anyone you'd like to say hello to before we sign off? I'll say hello to Ian. Hi Ian, it's James from the house. Hi mate. Honestly, I think we'd get on if you weren't banging my wife. And I can now reveal that that meal that you didn't win would have taken place at Pizza Express Plymouth. No! No, that's her favourite restaurant!

Just for you to know, it would have been the Pizza Express in the Barbican Leisure Park complex. No! Yes. You know it? It's her favourite restaurant in the world. Of all the places she goes to, that's the one she loves the most in the Barbican Leisure Park. Because there's bowling down there, there's cinema, there's a gym. There's so much, there's so much, there's a gym.

In fact, do you know what? She's there now with fucking Ian. She'll do a workout at the gym and then they'll either go in to see a film or they'll go bowling. I can't remember the last time we went bowling together. And what does that tell you about our marriage? Well, as they say,

a couple that bowls together grows old together. Well, exactly, that is what they say. Yeah, yeah. There's another man filling my shoes. And those shoes are those red and black bowling shoes that you get for the teenager behind the counter. Thanks James. Yeah, whatever. Beef call.

Beef call. Beef call. Beef call. Beef call. Hello caller, what's your name and where are you calling from? Hello, my name's Derek Fingal. I'm calling from Perranporth in Cornwall. What keeps you busy down there in Perranporth in Cornwall? Oh, strolling, really. Not really sort of hills and seaside strolling, there's a lot of that in my neck of the woods.

So I quite like these sort of inland a-roads where there aren't many walkers and there's just a bit of agricultural traffic. Do you ever find yourself on a dual carriageway, Derek? Once or twice, yes, by accident, absolutely, but they're a bit more roomy actually, so there's a bit less risk if a combine harvester passes. It's actually the exciting bit, when you have to nip into a hedgerow. I mean, for me, there's no greater thrill than walking down a dual carriageway. Striding right down the central reservation. Cars swerving, barping their horns.

And I'm drinking fizzy beef wine and flipping the bird at the police. I look up and start firing my pistol at the helicopter. I look up and start firing my pistol at the helicopter. Now today you're going to be playing Beat the Bell. Oh, okay. But before we get on to the rules of Beat the Bell, let's talk about your prize. You have the chance to win a basket of fragranced sachets. Wow. And a small bottle of Bailey's Irish cream.

Oh, wonderful. Oh, wonderful. I love a creamy of Bailey's Irish Cream. Oh wonderful. Oh, wonderful. I love a creamy liqueur. Wonderful. Thank you. Imagine drinking that as you walk along an A-road. Oh. Huffing from the fragrant sachets as you go.

Oh lovely stuff. Absolutely lovely. And to win that you'll rules of beating the bell. Okay. So I'm going to ask you a series of questions. You must try and get right. However, at any moment I could ring my bell. Okay.

Right. And when might you do that? So I'll explain the rules again, shall I? Well, now you will, yeah, well, it's really the, I understood the first question, but yes, and then the, but you said you might ring a bell. Is that correct? So question one.

What happens when you ring the bell? Come on, Derek, let's see how you do on question one. So this is a simple one to start. Okay. What's the capital city of Spain? Madrid! That's correct! Well then you've got the first question right. Well done Derek, it is Madrid. Great. Ever been to Madrid Derek? Oh no no no, I've been to Barcelona once but that was fleetingly a layover, well it's just the airport, for about 17 hours. What was that? So I've rung my bell there, have you, Derek? Right, yes you did mention the bell earlier on, but I wasn't quite sure what would prompt

you to ring the bell, or what it does in fact mean when you ring, as you say, the bell. What happens now? OK, question two. How many centimetres in a metre? Think carefully, Derek. How many centimetres in a metre? Sorry, right, this isn't a trick question. It's 100. I'm not... So I'm confused. Can I just ask again about the bell thing? Because I... Does that impact on the... I mean obviously everyone... A child of three knows the answer to that question. I wonder if there's... Does the bong... Does it mean something? Do I have to multiply the answer by something or...

So your answer you gave was 100? Well, yes, but I... Which is correct. Well then Derek, that's the second question. Correct. Okay, so it didn't affect the answer, right? Okay, so I wasn't quite... Right, that's the bell again, isn't it? Yes. I've rung my bell there for you, Derek. Is there something that I'm saying? Is there some word, some trigger word that I'm saying, hmm, that's interesting. Do you need to know what the bell means? It's a little bit

I will admit it's a little bit unsettling I don't really know what it is what is the impact of the bell exactly. Do I still have the two questions right that I got before? I'd love it if you could just answer me one of these questions please I feel like I'm repeating the same question again and again but I'm really not getting any sense out of you. I don't know why you're ringing the bell in the first place, and be what impact the bell has, please. If you could just answer those questions, I'd be absolutely thrilled. If you wouldn't mind, please. Question three.

Right, yes. Okay, but no. In the United Kingdom, who is the head of the Church of England? Well, it's the monarch, isn't it? I mean, again, these are very simple questions but it's obviously the King Charles, at the moment King Charles III if you want to... Correct! What am I supposed to do? I mean you've rung the bell three or four times, I don't know how many times you've

lost track in fact, the number of times you've rung the bell now but I don't understand what... What am I supposed to do about the bell? What impact does the bell have please? I want my fragrant sachets, do you understand? RING Right, you listen to me now, okay? Hmm? Yeah, and remember, right, now you listen to me young man You may think you're just talking to some cornish A-Row rambler, but you are not

You are talking to a third Dan Blackbelt in Taekwondo. A Commonwealth champion, I'll have you know. 96, Kuala Lumpur. Got the bronze on a technicality. Could have got gold. Right? For Scotland. That amount to the side. Because I was born in Dundee. I lived there, well, temporarily until I was three and then back briefly in my early teens. You don't need to know that. The point is, I can make mincemeat out of you.

I don't know if you know that, Taekwondo, but it basically means I can come down to your little studio, I can break through the door with my pinkie, yeah, with my non-dominant hand, I can pick anything in that room and use it as a weapon. A deadly weapon. Turn it into a weapon. Include... What does the bell mean, man? Answer me! I just...

I've got three questions right, have I got my sachets or not? Have I got my sachets, have I got my sachets or not? I've got my sachets, have I got my bayleys? You bong me one more time. You just bong me. You see what happens. You see what happens mate. You just bong me one more time. You see what happens. I'm f***ing angry. I could snap your legs like twigs, do you understand? I could snap your legs like dry biscuits. Right! I'm coming! I don't know where you are, but I'm gonna find you and I'm coming!

I'm telling you right now! I'm on my way! Linda! What might be I said? It's okay. Thank you. Thank you. Can't drive the high-end day cold, Derek. But they find themselves buying a brand new item four or five years later. This bad boy's been going more than a decade. I hope and trust it'll serve me until I die. When I and my wife Linda will be buried in it, obviously both of us are hoping to die. First, but a deal is a deal.

So Derek, Beat the Bell is ongoing. We haven't finished your round yet. Do you think you have what it takes to beat the bell? Are you going to beat the bell Derek? Do you know what I... Do you know what I think I am? I've got a little idea actually for you. So yeah, hit me with all you've got.

More questions if you want them, that's fine. Bong all you like. I'm ready for you. Okay. Bong-hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Derek you've beaten the bell! You've beaten the bell, the bell has shattered into a million pieces. I just knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it. It turns out the way to beat the bell is to shout bong-ho. Was that a taekwondo thing? Taekwondo is not about fists and kicking, it is ultimately about the power of the mind.

Particularly Scottish taekwondo, the Scottish variant of taekwondo, which is deeply, deeply cerebral. And so you were able to access that then and let out, well, a bong-ho? I allowed the taekwondo to control me. Well, the bell has shattered into a million pieces and the pieces have been spread across the four corners of the earth. Anyone who finds those pieces and reunites them will become more powerful than any man has ever been. But in the meanwhile, you've won that basket of fragrant sachets. Thank you.

And of course, that small bottle of Bailey's Irish cream. Many thanks Derek. Thank you. Enjoy your sachets. Thank you, Rochelle. Linda, Rishi, the item... Beef call. Beef call.

Beef call. Beef call. So that's just a flavour of the kind of thing that happens on Wednesday afternoons, every Wednesday over on the network website. The beef call quiz live stream. If you like the sound of what you heard and you think that maybe you could beat the bell or take on beef or bust or get your wife fed, remember all you have to do is send your phone number through the post to our address.

And that address again is wherever you're standing turn to face the sun and keep walking, that's right keep going. You'll know when to stop and find golden eagles circling the sky directly beneath their whirling wings. You'll find a deep fissure in the ground, low yourself down through this aperture and you'll find yourself in a vast subterranean grotto. Down there are animals who have not seen the light of the sun for over 20 millennia and as such they have evolved to have no head, lungs, liver or anus. Beware the Astellus blind cave wolf. In the obsidian dark use your hands to find your way through the passages which make up this giant underground labyrinth. You're getting closer now, can you feel the cooled wind on your

face or is it the icy breath of an Astellus wolf? And if it is the breath of an Astellus blind jaundice cave wolf how does it breathe when it doesn't have lungs or a mouth or an anus? Spend too long thinking about these questions and the gilled Astellus blind jaundice cave wolf will be upon you tearing at your neck with well-knotted jewels because it's an overhead or a lungs or a liver or an anus but whatever it does it will be horrible. Follow the source of the breeze and with luck you will find your way out blinking making it to the sun. They will be met by a natural spring with crystal clear cool water. Here you must drink deep for many arid days lie ahead as you cross the desert plains which stand between you and Alesbury. So until next time, bong ho!

Thanks to Cameron Smith, Sammy Dobson, Tom Crowley, Gemma Aerosmith, Max Davis and Mike Wozniak. Tommy Dobson, Tom Crowley, Gemma Aerosmith, Max Davis and Mike Wozniak. Also thanks to you for listening and this is my final little MaxFunDrive bit. Do consider going to maximumfun.org forward slash join. I'm so grateful for everyone who supports this show and I want to say a huge thank you to all of you. MaxFunDrive stuff that's happening this week if you're listening to this as it goes out, on Tuesday, which I guess is the 26th of March, at 8pm UK time, I'm doing a Twitch stream. That will be Ask A Vet with Bob Truscothic. And then on Wednesday, which is the 27th, at the same time, 8pm UK time, I'll be doing a Twitch stream with Professor James Harkham. That's ask a historian. So do tune in for those. You'll have to work out what time that is in your time zone if

you're not in the UK. And the way to find those is twitch.tv forward slash Benjamin Partridge. Right. I'm going to shut up about this now for a whole year. But before I go, I just want to say thanks to all of you who support, who are considering supporting this year. I know that a lot of you won't and don't feel you're able to, and obviously that's totally fine. And maybe if you wanted to help out the podcast in your own way, you could recommend it to a friend. Or project the podcast art onto the side of Big Ben or Sydney Opera House. But you know, I'm talking like tier one kind of postcard worthy touristic attractions. So in the US you're talking, I don't know, what have you got over there?

The Lincoln Memorial? I don't even know what that is. Is that the big Abraham Lincoln who comes alive at night? I don't know. Anyway, thanks for listening to me. Goodbye!