Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 109 - Ted Danson

Episode Date: April 21, 2024

Ted Danson, Susan Harrison, David Reed, Natasha Hodgson, Mark Turetsky and Linnea Sage join in for this episode in which we speak to the dentist at heart of the campaign to legalise the use of cow teeth in cosmetic dentistry.Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.com

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involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website and a printed magazine, brought to you by Omnidust Flex. Now, before we start the podcast properly, I just want to bring in Kyla, my production assistant, who works tirelessly behind the glass every month. Hang on, what? Sorry, also, I'm a producer, not a production assistant who works tirelessly behind the glass every month. Sorry, also I'm a producer, not a production assistant. So we don't usually hear from the team behind the glass, but a big congratulations are in order for us all here at the Beef and Dairy Network because we won the bronze award last night in the best

livestock focused podcast category at the AgriMedia, which took place this year of course, at the Montgolfier Golf Hotel and Golf Course and Golf Course in Bracknell. It was brilliant to pick up that award and while it was me who attended the event, I just want to say that I couldn't do it without the people who work behind the scenes. Yeah, but we didn't win, did we? Well, no. Well, we didn't get the top prize that went to the Pork Brothers podcast. I love that. Sorry? Such a good podcast.

What? Don't worry about it. It's just one of my things. One of my favourite things. You should be listening to this podcast. Yeah, I make this podcast. Why would I listen to it? Right.

So the Pork Brothers took gold. Dr. Binnery's Poultry World Roundup got silver. Well done, Dr. Binnery. Lovely to see you last night. And we took home. Dr. Binnery's poultry world roundup got silver. Well done Dr. Binnery. Lovely to see you last night. And we took home the bronze. So we came third. That's a podium finish.

Well, I mean, how many podcasts entered? Three. So we came last. We had some lovely comments from the judges. I can read, they wrote, The fact that the ailing Beef and Dairy Network podcast continues to limp on despite their huge financial difficulties, including a much publicised grain debt to the actor Ted Danson, is credit to their almost delusional tenacity in the face of mismanagement. Which I think is really thoughtful, really lovely.

Hang on a minute, the podcast's in trouble financially. I don't know if a huge grain debt to an actor counts as financial. Is that why none of us have been paid for three months? No, no, no, that's an admin thing. Now, Kyla, to celebrate our big win. We came last! I asked you to sort out a very special interview, someone I've been wanting to speak to for many years now.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. I actually did manage to sort this out, so you know, kind of makes all the other bullshit worth it. So yeah, I managed to, because I'm good at my job, I lined up a big interview with former German Chancellor and town enthusiast Angela Merkel. Angela Merkel, yes! Yes, this is the one we've been waiting for. Thank you, Kyla. You're welcome. Maybe pay me. So she should be waiting by the phone, I reckon, so... Hello, this is the actor Ted Danson. Kyla, hang up! I'm just not sure what happened there, sorry.

Yeah, can you please, let's call through to Angela Merkel, please Kyla. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I'm going to give that a go. I'm going to try again, okay? Hello, this is the actor Ted Danson. Sorry, sorry, did you say Ted Danson? That's right, the actor Ted Danson. Hang it up, hang it up! Yeah, um, yeah, I'm hanging up.

Is that, is that actually Ted Danson? Well, it does sound like him, certainly. I'm just holding on to the idea that maybe Angela Merkel is an incredible mimic. Yeah, she just doesn't really give off that vibe though, does she? No. Kyla? The phone is ringing inside the studio. Kyla? Er, um... Is that you ringing that? No, no, no, no, it's not even plugged in. Hang on, I don't know why that's happening.

That's so weird. What should I do? Pick it up, obviously. Hello? Hello, this is the actor Ted Danson. Is everything okay? Hi. Mr. Danson, hello. Oh, alright, there you are. Okay.

Listen, please, call me Ted. Ted. Ted. Ted, Ted, Ted. Thank you for calling, Ted. You're welcome. Listen, I think there's some trouble on the line, of course, unless you hung up on me. Did you hang up on me? No, no, no, no, no, of course not. Yeah, of course not. I mean, why would you hang up on me?

Yeah, why would I hang up on you? Well, actually, you know, unless you're a bit worried about me, what do you think? I mean, you and I, we've got a bit worried about me, what do you think? I mean, you and I, we've got a little depth to settle, don't we? Oh, oh, oh that. I mean, yeah, of course. I mean, sorry, it's so small, it actually slipped my mind entirely. That depth is insignificant small. Small? You just said small?

Small amount, yeah. So like, what do you think, like 460 million tonnes of grain? Small? That kind of small? Is it that much? Yeah, it is. 460 million tonnes. It is rising, yes it is. Don't interrupt me again.

And it's rising with interest. And sure, yeah, that's a small amount of grain for someone like me, but for you, the likes of you, it's potentially catastrophic. Right. Catastrophic is the word you'd use. Yes, I would. See, it's just the people who don't pay me back, my grain, they start to experience things. Maybe they're, you know're plagued by dogs everywhere they go, or followed by a constant sound of ringing bells. Or suddenly they can never find a parking space when they go to the store. Or maybe their house is on fire. Look, the thing is, Ted, these debts, the grain debt, it's not our only debt, okay?

We also, for example, owe quite a lot of euros to the government of Estonia. Hey, you know what? Maybe I should let you in on a secret. I am the government of Estonia. Really? Yes, really. And other places. For example, Puerto Rico.

Look, I'm not an unreasonable man. Really? Yes, really. And other places. For example, Puerto Rico. Look, I'm not an unreasonable man. I have a lot of goodwill for you and your pork podcast. It's beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Listen, I don't want you to be saddled with all this grain debt for the rest of your life. Really? So you'll forgive the grain debt?

I'm sorry, say that again? You'll forgive the grain debt? That's what I thought you said. No, no, no. No, actually you'll have until the end of this podcast to return all 460 million tonnes to one of my grain silos in California. Ted, please. Listen, listen, listen to me, son. You are making me emotional. When I get emotional, I start ringing my bell. You don't want that to happen. Trust me.

Ringing my bell and readying my crows. Not the crows, Ted, for God's sake. More crows than you'll know what to do with. Give me my grain. Wow. Wow, he is so charming, isn't he? What do you think? Were you not listening to that? I think he threatened to burn down my house.

He's just got this effortless Hollywood quality, do you know what I mean? Like, so smooth, but not trying to be smooth, you know? Kyla, were you not listening to what he just said? We've got less than an hour to come up with 460 million tonnes of grain. How much grain do you have? None, obviously. Come on, you must have some! OK, tell you what, I'm going to have a look around the office and see what I can find. You introduce the interview, OK?

OK. So, last month the UK Parliament lifted its ban on the use of cow's teeth in cosmetic dentistry. Hang on, getting a phone call but my phone's on aeroplane mode. Hello? Hi, this is Melanie Hancash from Hancash PR. Oh Melanie, I've not heard from you in years, is everything okay? No, everything is bad. You don't understand, Ted Danson kidnapped me in 2021. I've been living in his crawlspace in the floorboards ever since. He lured me. He lured me with

handsome traps and now I can't get out. Melanie, is this true? Are you pulling my leg? Look, he thinks that I'm responsible for your grain debt. It's all he hollers about, hollering around day and night. Please, I beg you, just pay the day. All I did was pay your PR person for two weeks and he never even paid the bloody invoice. Well, let's not talk about that. That was an admin problem. Well, I did send it to your Gmail and your Hotmail and I didn't get a bounce back, so I'm pretty sure you did receive it.

Hang on, so you're saying that you're living under Ted Danson's floorboards? Not by choice. Not by choice. I've been trying to find my way out. You have no idea the kind of place Danson can build with time and effort and heft, which we both know he has. Melanie, I'm serious. This better not be some sort of prank. You. You think this is funny? Do you understand the kind of life I've been living? There are underground passages, the like of which I've never seen. The libraries, there are so many books and none of them have pages. I keep trying to rearrange them and he says, no, they're organised by heat. Melanee, if this is real, we have to get you out of there. Have you tried to escape?

Have I tried to escape? There are rats down here, the size of horses and yes, I have trained some. They answer to my call, but many do not. Many do not heed me. And let me tell you, that's made me weird. Melony dear, do you want me to call the police? Would that help? Oh for goodness sake, call the police he says. Call the police. Wake up sunshine. Danson is the police. He's the police. He's the ambulance. He's bloody Alexa. He's everywhere. I've heard the calls. When he says he will ring his great dark bell. You have to listen, that is not an empty threat.

And if the horn of dancing sounds, we are all perish. Melanie, he mentioned setting his crows on me. Was that an empty threat? Was that bravado? Wait, the cr bravado? until there is not left to beg. Oh god, he's coming. I can hear his foot. He's coming, please, I beg of you. Just repay. Repay the debt. Repay the debt! Okay, that was Melanie Handcatch, who is for a very short period our PR person. Hope she's okay. So as I was saying, so last month the UK Parliament lifted its ban on the use of cow's teeth in cosmetic dentistry at long last. So I

spoke to someone who is at the heart of the movement to legalise it, the dentist Richard Gibbons. Hello my name is Richard Gibbons and I am a dentist. Richard, thank you so much for coming on the show. Let's kick off by asking you why dentistry? What got you interested in the first place? I suppose it's the thing I'm most drawn to really is the smile. I think you can tell everything about somebody just by looking at their smile.

What they're thinking, what they've been through. Especially if what they've been through is a punch in the mouth. Absolutely. You're getting me excited now because of course that is my bread and butter. I live for reconstruction. Reconstruction of a punched mouth. Now, the reason you're on the show today is because in that situation where someone comes in having maybe taken a cricket bat to the face or a shot put. It happens. We've seen it happen.

Yeah. Well, I didn't see it happen, but I've seen the results of what happened. I mean, just for we go on, what's the worst thing you've ever seen launched into someone's face? Oh my word. I think it would have to be 12 bowling balls. Somebody got their tie stuck in the automatic returning mechanism in a bowling alley and they didn't get free until 12 people had bowled their frames. And so it was repeated trauma to the exact

same area. And my God, it was like, have you ever dropped a microwave ready meal onto a supermarket floor? Anyway. Yes, anyway. Well, the reason I wanted to talk to you, Richard, was because when you are reconstructing these faces that have been hit with a bowling ball 12 times, the reason you're getting those incredible results is that you're using cow teeth. That is correct, yes. Which has been illegal until last month. Finally, the bill went through parliament. You instrumented in the campaign to get the ban on cow teeth in dentistry repealed. For a start, can I say congratulations?

Thank you very much. It's been a hard fought campaign and I'm just thrilled that in the end, the right side won. The right side did win, but not before you had to do some time in prison. That's true. I did. I did. But I don't regret a moment of it. The law was wrong. And in the end I was vindicated. I believe the law disagrees, but I believe I now have 18 months in lieu for a future crime because the law has now been changed. And so I would not have gone to prison for fitting cow's teeth into the human mouth. And so it's very exciting opportunity now that I can continue to practice without going

to prison every single time. But also knowing you've got that 18 months in the back pocket for you to do whatever you want. Well, not whatever I want. A crime up to 18 months or several crimes, several small misdemeanours adding up to 18 months. A nice little package. Yeah.

Be nice. You know, if I get bored and fancy a bit of shoplifting, then I know I'm covered. And so at what point did you start experimenting with animal teeth? Obviously the band has been in place since the Victorian times, so anytime you were doing this, you were doing this illegally at the time. Technically, we found workarounds. I mean, if you can find the animal teeth in an antique shop or charity shop, then they're fair game. So I experimented with a lot of ivory pianos in the early days, or

you can actually find a lot of monkey teeth necklaces if you know where to look on eBay. And these were better than porcelain, I have to admit, but they were not adequate for what I had imagined, what I'd dreamt of. During the campaign, one of the things that stood out and that people were surprised by, I think, was the fact that you claimed that at any one time, over 75% of Hollywood actors have cow's teeth rather than human teeth. And that your point was that really, we've got used to that look now through Hollywood, through popular culture, in the same way that we know that in Hollywood films,

the majority of closeups on an actress's eyes, they all swap in a cow's eye for those closeup shots. And that really what we think of as being a beautiful mouth of teeth is cow's teeth. Is that true? 75%? I think it's probably about 75%. I mean, Hollywood has been doing this in secret for quite some time. Because of course, your look as a Hollywood star, it's an arms race, isn't it? You fight any way you can for that inch to get ahead of your competitors. And so, Cow's Teeth actually started to seep into the Hollywood look, I think as early as 1967, 68, the first ones. I mean, they weren't the work we can do now, of course, but they have a quality to them that sparkles and they are slightly

larger than human teeth and so it draws the eye without the spectator necessarily knowing why. And it means that the smile is enlarging. And we all know that look and it's a wonderful look. But there are reports of various people, actors and non-actors, undergoing procedures where maybe the person installing the teeth isn't a qualified dentist, it's maybe their dad who has just bought a new drill and wants to try it out. Have you seen evidence of this? Jason Vale I have seen the results. I'm afraid amongst would-be Hollywood actors, it's particularly common. People who want to try and look the way, but they're not quite commanding the salaries of

other actors yet. A lot of daytime TV actors you can see. They are cow teeth, they'll be third or fourth hand, who knows whose mouth they've been in. Many of them went through Val Kilmer at one time, but they won't have been correctly implanted and it does give a haunting look. You mentioned there are people installing teeth that had previously been used by Val Kilmer. That's another practice that people have questions about. There's a big trade now in teeth that have formerly been in a Hollywood actor.

In your practice, if you've whipped out the teeth of an A-lister, what do you do with those teeth? Are you selling them on? Well, I wouldn't know anything about that. I mean, certainly we don't profit from the wastage. I have heard rumours that it happens in other practices. Yes, there's quite a high markup on actor's teeth. Because the rumour is, of course, that these days, I think it's Johnny Knoxville from Jackass.

Right. Obviously he's no stranger to getting his teeth knocked out. His current set of teeth are Billy Zane's original teeth from before he got his cow teeth. Well, I, I, I, that's interesting because I'd heard they're Billy Zane's first set of cow teeth, actually. And Billy Zane's original teeth, pre-Titanic we're talking here, probably talking Phantom when he had his original teeth, are actually lost to history.

Right. They've gone missing. But there are collectors who would be able to tell you this stuff. Like there are databases charting whose teeth go where. More after this. Bruce Springsteen is coming to Cardiff, which is the city where I live, this summer. I'd like to see him, but when it comes to concerts, I'm one of those people that sort of, I always find that they're happening after they've sold out somehow. Do you know what I mean?

And now all the tickets are gone. And I'm always reminded that if you want to buy tickets for something like that, you need to set your phone alarm to buy tickets the minute they go on sale, or you know, and buy them months in advance. And when you want the best, you have to act quickly, or someone else will get it instead. So what's the best way to do that if you're hiring? ZipRecruiter. Because ZipRecruiter finds qualified candidates fast. ZipRecruiter's powerful matching technology takes centre stage to identify top talent for your roles. Amp up your hiring performance with ZipRecruiter and find the best fast. See why 4 out of 5 employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Just go to this exclusive

web address right now to try ZipRecruiter for free. ZipRecruiter.com slash beef. Again, that's ZipRecruiter.com slash beef. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. Kylo, where are we with the grain situation? Have you made any dent in the 460 million tonnes? A little dent. I had a look around the office and I found some old birdseed, so I reckon that might... Is that grain? Or maybe?

Is that grain? Is seed grain? Well, I think it could potentially come under that category if we sort of broaden the category out. Right. It's been opened, but you know, there's still a bit in there. Okay, and how many million tonnes of birdseed grain do we have? Um, well it's like half a packet so... Oh god. Oh god this'll be Danson. Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god

God! Fuck! Hello? Hello? This is the actor Ted Danson. How are things going? How are they coming along? Ted, look, we've had a look and we've found a packet of birdseed at the back of a cupboard. It's opened, but it's mostly full. What? That is not good enough, my friend! I need that grain. The loaves must be made. The loaves must be made today. What part of this aren't you understanding? Ted, listen, I've given you some thought and I don't think it's feasible or even fair for

you to ask me to get you several hundred tons of grain. I am ringing my bell. Now, do you hear that? Do you hear that? Listen to that low and foreboding bell. Come on, Ted, for God's sake, it's not fair. I will plough your studio. Please don't plough my studio, Ted. You've got 10 minutes and then I plough your studio. He's just got a certain je ne sais quoi, do you know what I mean?

Kyla, what is wrong with you? Were you not listening to that? Yeah, I was. Loved it. Every secondved it. Every second of it. That was the most threatening phone call I've ever received. And I once played a gangster in a stage production of Taken.

It's just so cool without even trying. You know? Kyla, can you go and find some grain please? We've got like 10 minutes. Yeah, fine. I'll have a little mooch around and see if any comes up. I mean, I don't think it's very very likely but I'll give it a go. Oh what now? Hello? Oh the bell! The bell is tolling! Oh my god please please tell me you repaid him. Why would the bell sound?

Why can I hear it echoing through the chambers of Danson? Please tell, tell me it's paid! Malony, sorry, well no, we haven't yet paid the green debt and yes, Danson did tell me that he was ringing his bell. When he was threatening the bell, it certainly sounded threatening, when he was ringing the bell, I mean it was fine, to be honest, but yeah, he sounds angry. You don't know what you've done, you can't see what I see, the great statues begin to move. Yeah, he sounds angry. Melanie, is everything okay? in my brain. It's too late. He comes. He comes. Melony, is everything okay? Look, um... Oh, God! The great tolling, the xylophones of hell, the chorus begins, the oboe, the dredged oboe. You don't understand what you have awoken here this day. The music of the damned!

He is coming and there's nothing to be done! Melanie, look, we are trying our best to source some grain. It may not be the 460 million tonnes that he wants, but I think we can offer him something and hopefully that will do something for you and for him. There's nothing left. I look down upon my cursed hands as they turn to corn. I become him. He becomes me.

I am Danson. Danson is this. I love you, Danson. Let me become a statue in your army. Put me to work, master. Let me destroy the beef and dairy network! Oh come on, Melanie, for God's sake! March! We must march for Danson!

I mean, come on. Er, sorry about that. Er... I guess it's time to go back to my big interview with dentist Richard Gibbons. On the network website, we ask network members to submit their questions for Richard, and I put some of them to him. Starting with this question from Freddy in Glasgow, who writes Hello Richard, I would like to get a huge pair of clomping cow's teeth put in my face, but I'm scared of the procedure. Can you explain it to me? Absolutely. Well, for starters, you have all the time in the world, okay? We are there for you. And so you'll come in, you'll have a cup of tea, a cup of coffee.

We'll talk everything through with you, any concerns you might have. And then it's full anaesthesia. You'll be out cold, at which point we will remove the skin from your lower jaw delicately, putting it in little piles on either side, so it'll fold right back. The jaw is then removed entirely and rinsed. We will then take out the teeth from the bottom jaw, whilst my assistant will do the teeth

that are still left in your head and that's when we start adding in the cow teeth. Now the jaw is done first because it's actually slightly more delicate adding in the the top row of teeth as we're so close to your brain. The procedure involves drills and ratchets and the lower jaw is placed back in. The muscle is re-knitted around the jaw. The skin is replaced and then it is sewn up just under the earlobes. The whole thing, the whole thing disappears into just behind the ear. And if you don't have earlobes, that's fine.

We can make some for you. And that's it. You will then wear a bandage around the lower half of your face for six to 18 weeks, depending on how fast you heal. But we insist we are there when the bandages are removed because we like to see the effects of our handiwork, but just in rare cases where something's gone wrong, we really need to take that mirror off you very fast. Other questions we've had from our listeners ahead of this interview. This one from Chloe

in Durham, is it true that getting a set of cow teeth mean that it'll affect your accent and you can start sounding a bit Spanish. A little bit Spanish. I mean, if you want to sound Spanish, I wouldn't recommend the procedure. It's not guaranteed. But you might start to sound a little bit, not Latin American, mainland Spanish. We talked through that in the T's and C's before, usually. But most people have no problem with that. I guess there's a certain kind of Latin romance that comes with the accent,

and maybe, you know, when paired with those beautiful cow teeth, that's creating a pretty irresistible package. I think so. I can see why so many people have been enchanted by this latest trend, you know. I'm just along for the ride. I don't push this on anyone who isn't ready for the cow smile, but my God, it's intoxicating when you look at it. Wow. Well, Richard Gibbons, thank you so much for talking with me today and taking time out of what must be a busy schedule. I assume you've got a procedure this afternoon? Yes. My assistant's just talking through the T's and C's with Keir Starmer, who is having

the process done. So fingers crossed it clinches it for him. Yes. Well, best of luck to you and to Sir Keir. Thanks for chatting with us today. Absolute pleasure. Thank you. And Richard, fun question. Do you yourself have cow's teeth? Absolutely not. No. A big thank you to Dentist Gibbons for that interview, which brings us to the end of the show. Kyla? Yeah?

You haven't managed to get hold of 460 million tons of grain of you in the last few minutes? No, sorry. But I did find a cereal bar in my handbag. Let me have a look. It's got oats, wheat, chocolate pieces, yogurt and pork. It's an official Pork Brothers podcast cereal bar. Yeah. So cool. They've got so much great merch. Great. Okay. Well, I better ring Ted Danson and let him know that we can't pay him back. I feel like a man walking to the gallows. He's not actually going to play with the studio, is he? Kyla put me through. Oh, um, Kyla put me through. Hello, this is the actor Ted Danson. Hi Ted.

Um, listen, let's get this over with. I haven't got your grain. And moreover, I don't think I'm ever likely to. I'm sorry. Hmm. Well, I appreciate your candor. Tell you what, perhaps we can come to some sort of arrangement. Really? What kind of arrangement? I assume this podcast of yours is listened to by several tens of millions of people?

Um, yeah. Good. Okay. Well, I can extend your Grain Loan for, oh, I don't know, a year, as long as you allow me to use your platform to advertise my new venture, the Ted Danson Grain Bank of America. Is money a little tight right now? Having trouble keeping food on the table? Then you need the Ted Danson Grain Bank of America. Do you know how much raw grain the average American family owns?

It's none! And that's a national tragedy. So why not borrow some grain today from one of our friendly silos? We needed help paying our bills, so we spoke to the Ted Danson Grain Bank of America, and then we got all this barley. I think it's barley.

It's not helped at all. And our house is plagued by mice. And they've attracted all these cats. And they've attracted a wolf. Oh God, there's the wolf! Dennis! Dennis! I swear I'll divorce you if you don't at least try to get that wolf! I don't know. Try and strangle it. Oh great great, now it's got Danis. Oh, Jesus, take the wheel. Or better yet, take the wolf. Or for heaven's sakes, take the barley. Ted Danson can see a future

where grain replaces the dollar. A currency without government interference. A currency you can trust. A currency you can feed directly to a pig. But don't just take it from me. Here's the man himself. The actor Ted Danson. I have a vision for the future.

Each grain a tiny batter, filled with the power of the sun. And I will have the grain in my hands. And I will have the sun in my hands and I will be Lord of the Son of the Son of the Son. If you're hearing this and want to buy into a future you can trust, then go to www.teddansonsgrainbankofamerica.it'sthecurrencyyoucaneat.com. Thank you. Ted? Ted? I think he's gone. So I guess that's all we've got time for this month. If you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to the website now where you can

find all the usual stuff as well as our off-topic section where this month we run down how to represent yourself in court using song. So until next time, beef out. Thanks to Linnea Sage, Susan Harrison, David Reed, Natasha Hodgson, Mark Turecksy and Ted Danson. Hey, when you listen to podcasts, it really just comes down to whether or not you like the sound of everyone's voices. My voice is one of the sounds you'll hear on the podcast Dr Gameshow and this is the voice of co- you'll hear on the podcast Dr. Game Show, and this is the voice of co-host and fearless leader Joe Firestone.

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