Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 114 - Live At London Livestock Dietary Supplements Con 2024

Episode Date: September 22, 2024

Henry Paker, Tom Crowley, Linnea Sage, Lucy Farrett, Gemma Arrowsmith and Mike Wozniak join in this week for a live show recorded at London Livestock Dietary Supplements Con 2024.Buy a streaming ticket to watch this live show here: https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/comedy/beef-and-dairy-network-online-streaming/kplayer/Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.comEvening Melodrama Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 Licensehttp://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/Music credit courtesy of epidemicsound.com:On Edge / Amber GlowA Classic Noir / Mary RiddleHeist Music / NitghcapPaidias Pledge / Golden AnchorAngels / Yonder DaleHymn To The Rising Sun / Golden Anchor

Hello, this episode is a recording of a live show that we recently did at the London Podcast Festival. In the show there were some visual elements which obviously won't translate very well as a podcast. Most of them I've basically edited out, but some of them that are germane to the storyline I've kept in and I've added some little explainers for things you might need to imagine with your mind's eye. On with the show! The Beef and Dairy Network podcast live is sponsored by Glando-Quotidian Moments, the new range of Glando-Laced Yogurts or Glandogurts by Mitchell's. If it's not Mitchell's, get back in the truck. All of that gland-packed taste you've come to expect, but in a range of Glandogurts,

perfect for any occasion. Doing a triathlon? Look no further than our Lance Armstrong approved hormone laced sports yoghurt. Big night out with the gals then crack open our Ibiza midnight chemical rich disco yogurt. Date night? It's time for our Glando Grecian churn sultry night summer crush aphrodisiac edition with added cattle bollocks deluxe For 10% off your first selection caddy of Glando quotidian moments simply use the code There's a Gendogart for that. Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved or just interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. And this edition is a very special one as we're recording it live in front of a sold out crowd. Here at the London Livestock Dietary Supplements Con 2024. It's been a great event so far and no doubt many of the audience here

have spent the weekend bouncing from symposium to keynote speech. We've hung out at the Vitamin E lounge, the magnesium river, the calcium maze and the manganese tasting session where we all watch James May from Top Gear die. So what is the Beef and Dairy Network bringing to the party? Well, we're going to deliver a very special session, a whole episode that we're calling Tickled Zinc Expert, Jonathan Tomzano. George Hereford. Sorry?

My name is Dr. George Hereford. Oh, sorry. Jonathan Tonsano! George Hereford. Jonathan Tonsano. George? Jonathan Tonsano. No, my name is George. Tonsano? George Hereford.

George Hereford. Dr George Hereford. Sorry, of course. Please welcome Dr Jonathan Tonsano. George Hereford! Sorry. Sorry, of course. George welcome Dr. Jonathan Tonsana. George Hereford! Sorry. Sorry, of course. George Hereford.

Welcome to the podcast. Now, would you say that zinc is your passion? Absolutely. And I know what you're all thinking. That sounds pretty boring. Someone being totally consumed by an interest in zinc. But I do have other interests that are a bit more rock and roll. Ooh, okay, what's that then?

Yes, I'm also interested in gypsum. Right. So, here we are, Tickled Zinc. We are pleased with that name. Yes, it's very dynamic, George. Tickled Zinc takes the form of a 90-minute presentation, and I know that sounds dry, but I've got some surprises up my sleeve. Well okay, take it away George. Here for everyone. Thank you. Good

afternoon everyone. It's a pleasure to be here today to discuss a topic that is crucial to the health and productivity of our cattle, zinc supplementation. Studies show that cattle naturally gravitate towards zinc-rich foods. They do it by instinct alone. Or as I call it... LAUGHTER Zinc stinks. Zinc! It's fun!

As many of you already know, nutrition is the cornerstone of animal health as cattle reach maturity and zinc plays a pivotal role in Whether they sink or swim Zink is fun. That's a pun Okay, George George George, I'm gonna stop you there is your talk 90 minutes of solid zinc puns no Is it? Yes, listen Is your talk 90 minutes of solid zinc puns? No. Is it? Yes. Listen, Jonathan. George.

Tonsano. Hereford. I think I speak for all of this, but I don't think we can take 90 minutes of zinc puns. Maybe it just needs more puns. Just zinking out loud here. Set phrases to pun. You dog bastard. Look, I'm sorry, I'm just trying to lighten things up a bit. I have been told that I am quite boring.

Yes, sir. You remind me of someone. Do you know someone called Barry? He's my brother. Ah, yes. He works in a pin factory. Yeah. Listen, I've got a plan B if the puns aren't working. I will give the rest of my presentation with the help of my new mascot.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Zinksy. We see a metal alien with wings and a beak. Zinksy! We see a metal alien with wings and a beak. Zinksy! What in the Duolingo Owl is going on here? Say hello Zinksy. Zinksy! You love Zink, don't you Zinksy? No! Zink! And you're so sad when someone won't let you eat your zinc supplements, aren't you?

Zinksy! But because you're my daughter and I love you, I'll give you zinc whenever you want! Zinksy! Sorry, I'll just stop you there. Did you say daughter? Well yes, we thought we were having a baby, but no. I gave my wife so many zinc supplements during pregnancy that we ended up with a big blob of anthropomorphised zinc.

Jesus Christ. Yes, it was quite a shock when that came barreling out of my wife. Zinksy! But now we love her, in a way. Zinksy! Sorry, Zinksy, we love you just as much as we love our other two children

Both of them big lumps of quartz with a face So hang on all of your children are minerals. Yes, it's horrifying But don't mind the rocks that I got I'm still I'm still dr. George Hereford from the block The geology block of Portsmouth University. Anyway let me get on with my presentation. No no no actually I'm going to stop you there. I mean thanks for coming today but I'm afraid I haven't been totally straight with you. This episode isn't actually a 90 minute symposium about zinc.

Zinksy? No, sorry Zinksy. Yes we advertise this as a zinc symposium but it was all a cover for what we're really doing here today. And to explain more, please welcome our next guest, he's probably best known for formerly being the bovine poet laureate, and having a cow's face stitched to his face. As a punishment by the Bovine Farmers' Union, it's Michael Banyan! Hello.

Hello. Hello. Now Michael, this is quite a confusing situation here potentially. Can you explain what is going on? Well, I've written a new book. Right. It's a memoir called The Man with the Caramel Hand. Oh. Congratulations. That's fantastic.

Yes, and when you write a new book, you have to have a book launch. Congratulations, that's fantastic. Yes, and when you write a new book, you have to have a book launch. It's a thing, us writers, we're very superstitious about this kind of thing. You have to have a book launch. If you have a new book, you've got to launch it. We worry, there's this fear that if you don't launch a book, it'll suffer terrible, terrible sales. Worse even than Tony Blair's ill-fated cookbook. Yeah, he claimed all the recipes could be made in under 45 minutes, but it was little more than a dossier of lies.

Although the paella was decent. Decent paella, yeah. So I knew I had to launch The Man with the Caramel Hand, but I also knew that if I advertised publicly this book launch, then certain figures from the literary establishment certain dark figures were from my past would come out of the woodwork and drag me back into my old life of debauchery drink drugs and Going to Chessington world of adventures absolutely shit-faced

with the Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby. But hang on, aren't book launches quite genteel affairs? You naive fool! Book launches are the most sordid, repulsive, hedonistic displays of degraded, orgiastic Babylonian indulgence. This side of the question time after party. Are you sure? Because I'm pretty

sure I've been to a book launch in the past and it was just people quietly talking over Volovon. Ha ha ha ha ha, you naive idiot. The thing is you see you think you remember that but they say that if you can remember going to a book launch you probably didn't actually go to the book launch. Yeah and what you think you can remember about the book launch is in. And what you think you can remember about the book launch is in fact a false memory inserted into your mind through a mixture of brain implants and subliminal hand puppetry performed in the dead of night

at the base of your bed by Kazuo Ishiguro. So your contention is that I did go to a book launch but my memory of it has been created, a sort of fabrication has been created by Kazoo Ishiguro. That's exactly what I'm saying, yes. Right. Look, for example, my diary tells me that I went to the book launch of Haruki Murakami's 2009 short story collection, The Fragrant Wasp.

Right? But in truth, I can barely remember a thing about it. Wow. Swathes of blank. huge swathes of blank. Although sometimes, in the middle of the night, images come back to me. Dreadful, dreadful images. Mark Rylance.

Doing a version of the piano scene from Big. But instead of a piano it's a theremin. And instead of his feet it's his penis. Thank God it's only his stage penis, but still. Kaso Ushiguro hunched over a laptop trying to download LimeWire. A chocolate fountain in the shape of Melvin Bragg. You idiot, it's not in the shape of Melvin Bragg, it is Melvin Bragg. Ishiguro's got LimeWire working and he's managed to download three quarters of the fourth season of The West Wing.

But now he's lost interest and he's doing opium with Kirsty Wark. Margaret Atwood, she's out in the back in charge of the penguin barbecue. And she's on a whole emperor roast with bottomless crispy beak garnish. And then... Fransom. Fransom, he's wearing a t-shirt, but it isn't an ordinary t-shirt. It's a Nike t-shirt. But it isn't an ordinary t-shirt. It's a Nike t-shirt. But it isn't an ordinary Nike t-shirt, because instead of the familiar tick,

it doesn't say, just do it. It says, just did it. Implying that he's recently had sex? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Although I do have a vague memory of the poet laureate Simon Armitage bursting out of a roast venison playing a pepperoni flute. So, you didn't want your book launch today to go that way, and that's why you're doing it in secret here today. Exactly. This is all the cover for my book launch. Hang on. So my zinc talk is just a sham. Please, Jonathan, can you take yourself and your zinc abomination of a daughter off the stage? Zinxy!

Don't listen to him, Zinxy. Come on. We know when we're not wanted. Let's go and feed you some zinc. Zinxy! Okay, you laugh, but we're in a very serious situation, okay, because this is an undercover book launch. And we're all in very, very grave danger. And that danger has a name. Its name is Jonathan Franzen.

Now I thought Franzen had turned a corner, because he called me two weeks ago and he said, he said, Michael, I'm finally off the sauce. I said, that's fantastic news. He said, by which I mean I've stopped eating sauce I now just pour vodka directly onto meat I hung up a week later he calls me again he says I mean it this time Michael I mean it's time I'm back on the straight and narrow I said that's fantastic news he says I'm on a very straight and narrow diving board 12 meters above a swimming pool

full of Baileys. I hung up again. The man cannot change. He will not ever change. So yeah, he's very much his old self. He's very much his old self. Yeah, okay. So what I've done is I've taken precautions.

In the dead of night, I secretly attached a tracker onto one of Jonathan Franzen's legs. Okay. I believe we can actually bring up the tracker, we can see where he is. That's right, so we can see where he is. We've got a direct... Oh, fucking hell! Oh, fuck! So he's currently at Heathrow Airport? He's at Heathrow. Yeah. Yeah, so that's classic Franzen. He bases himself at Heathrow because partly because it means he's in the best possible location to travel

To any book launch that he finds out about he's in the hub right he's in a he's in a famous Travel hub the other reason is it is it's got 24-hour weather spoons right okay, and I think we can actually zoom in a bit We can actually see that he's actually he's not in the terminal. He's on the runway. Oh fuck me This is this is absolutely classic friends, and you how Pootis is cheaper in Duty Free? Yeah. Well, a lot of people don't know this. It's even cheaper on the runway. So he's paying absolutely no tax right now.

Okay. Well, Michael, look, don't worry. There's no way he could have heard about this book launch. We're doing it in secret. I'm sure we're safe. And I believe later in the show we can actually hear some extracts from the book. That's right. Well, excellent. So, more coming up after this.

The Beef and Dairy Network podcast live is sponsored by Glando-Quotidian Moments. The new range of Glando-inspired yogurts or Glandogurts by Mitchell's. If it's not Mitchell's, get back in the truck. All of that gland-packed taste you've come to expect, but in a range of Glando-gurts, perfect for any occasion. Recovering from a long illness? Simply reach for our synthetic apple a day rehabilitation yogurt with Vitality sachet.

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No, no that's right we haven't, how strange actually. Barbara Mitchell pleased to meet you. Oh, you're an actual, you're a Mitchell. That's right I married into the dynasty, honey. All of the money with none of the jeans. Oh, right, wow. So, which of the brothers did you marry? Was it Chuck?

Oh, no, I wish. Oh, Chuck, the eldest son, handsome in finance, trust fund, six-five, blue eyes, first in line to be the CEO when daddy dies. But no, Chuck is happily married to Elizabeth Holmes. He met her through the Billionaires Behind Bars app, all the financial benefits of marrying a billionaire without having to meet them.

Of course. So you must have married Hank? No, not Hank either. He's refreshing the app daily, holding out for Trump. OK. So which Mitchell brother did you marry? My husband, Truck Stop Mitchell. Wow, I'd not heard of Truck Stop.

No, the family tend to keep him out of the public eye, like the sixth Kardashian sister, Brenda. Why do they keep Brenda out of the limelight ass operation gone wrong her ass is so big it wouldn't just break the internet it breaks the majority of commercially available furniture Wow okay so why don't the Mitchell's family want truck stop in the public eye truck stops not the brightest oh is it a good idea to be calling your husband stupid on a public podcast like this oh he'll never listen to this He has a single-figure IQ.

The only podcasts he listens to are Joe Rogan and some mindless shit called Three Bean Salad. ... Never heard of it. Sounds absolutely awful. Oh, yes. So he's thick as a plank, but he was my way into the richest dynasty I could get my hands on

after my failed attempt at a Gaddafi son. Wow. Yeah, I was even knocked back by Rupert Grint. What's the matter, Rupert? Is this not good enough for you? Let me be your Hermione. Why is this important to you, marrying into money? Why is that a thing you want to do?

I woke up one morning and I thought life is short, you know, we've all seen what happened to James May from Top Gear today. That could be any of us. So why not get as rich as I can? And now that my feet are under the desk at Mitchell's It's time for me to throw my weight around which is why I'm shutting down the Beef and Dairy Network podcast What

There's no money in agriculture anymore all the money is in Podcasting and once your podcast is out of the way I can launch Mitchell's own beef and dairy podcast Barbara's beef bulletin with Barbara. You can't do this. I'm the sort of person who knows what they want and does what they have to do to get it just like Queen Camilla she knew what she had to do to get that royal deed. LAUGHTER No, I mean you literally can't do this. How can you force us to shut down?

Ooh, I actually can. We own you. Do you? The paperwork's all been done. I've sent it to your lawyer. The Beef and Dairy Network will cease to exist in half an hour. Bye!" More after this. You know a service is solid when it gets great word of mouth, like ZipRecruiter. The CEO of Walls Need Love said, I posted on ZipRecruiter and found my lead graphic designer within a few days.

That's because ZipRecruiter's technology starts finding qualified people for your roles immediately. See why ZipRecruiter is the hiring site employees prefer most based on G2. Try it for free at ziprecruiter.com slash beef. That's ziprecruiter.com slash beef. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. Sorry about that everyone, the business with Barbara Shettinger and the podcast. Nothing to worry about, I'm sure. I've texted my lawyer and she's on her way here to sort all that out. In the meanwhile, back to the book launch.

I can feel him approaching, Franzen, he's getting close. I know his musk. Okay, well let's check in on the tracker. Yes, it looks like he's making his way into central London on the Heathrow Express. Oh shit, no, no, it's worse. He could easily be running down the train tracks as fast as a train. He can do that. He loves book launches that much. Okay. Fuck.

We need to get the hell on with this book launch. Excuse me. Excuse me, sorry. Fuck. We need to get the hell on with this book launch. Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry. It's just I think I speak for everyone in the audience when I say that I came here this afternoon to see a presentation about zinc. Isn't that right, everyone?

Zinc! Zinc! Zinc! Zinc! Zinc! Zinc! Zinc! Zinc!

Zinc! Zinc! Zinc! Zinc! Zinc! Oh, thank you. I think the crowd has spoken. I'll continue with my presentation. Oh, for God's sake. Tickle Zinc with Dr George Hereford. Zinc-y! As people working in the production of meat beasts, my question is this. Do we need to zinc outside the box? Oh my god, officer! He's got a pun! Wait a moment. Hang on. Sorry, what's that boys and girls? Is there someone you'd like

to see here now? Is there someone? Seat! Seat! Seat! Seat! Uh oh. Seat! Zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc ZINC! ZINC! You magnetic freak! Sorry! Zinc isn't magnetic! Get out of here! Sorry Michael, please come back to the microphone. Let's talk about your book. Thank you. So, The Man with the Caramel Hand is a memoir.

That's right. It's about the last year or so of my life. It's been a very, very tough time. Basically, the AI revolution has completely decimated the poetry industry. Almost overnight, it's gone from being one of the most highly paid professions... ...to being barely a realistic job prospect. Wow. I mean, that's right. I think the main problem, isn't it, is that AI-produced poetry is actually miles better than human-produced poetry, isn't it? Yeah, that's right. It's not even close. Poetry is the one thing that even a basic AI can do miles better than any human. I mean, if an AI writes a recipe or instructions for a washing machine or something,

it often doesn't feel quite right. You notice it's something a bit off. But a site about the fragile beauty of love. They nail it every time. So you've essentially been out of work as a poet. That's right. What have you been doing for money over the past few months? Terrapin lifeguard. Okay. Where do you get such a job?

At semi-quatic World. The, um, the, it's a safari park for semi-aquatic animals owned by TV naturalist Chris Packham. Okay. Yeah, it was a pretty good gig. Pretty much, basically, all I had to do was make sure the crocodiles didn't go into the terrapin pool. And as long as I was on top of that, I could spend the rest of my time working on my screenplay. I secretly dreamt of making it big in Hollywood. Wow. And of course there's a great tradition of poets writing Hollywood films, isn't there?

That's right, Seamus Heaney wrote The Meg. And of course Philip Larkin famously wrote Robocop. What was your screenplay about? Well it was about a young boy with a dream. To be the bovine poet laureate. Ah, a sensitive, personal piece. What was it called? Look Hoof's Talking. Laughter

I sent it out to over a hundred American agents. And was there any interest? Do you know the phrase, feeding frenzy? Yes. That's exactly what happened when the crocodile got into the terrapin enclosure. Laughter Because I was distracted by a phone call from the one agent who got back to me. Yes. That's exactly what happened when the crocodile got into the terrapin enclosure. Because I was distracted by a phone call from the one agent who got back to me. But it wasn't just any agent, was it?

No, it wasn't. It was super agent Xerxes Piston. Better known to most of you as the man with the caramel hand. Ah, and he obviously gives his name to the book you wrote. No, that's just a coincidence. He told me he loved the script, and he could get me a meeting with legendary producer Kathleen Weatherspoons. All I had to do was to get on the next plane to LA. Right, and I guess that's what you did.

Well, do you know the phrase the red eye? Yeah. That was all that was left of those 40 terrapins in my car. By the time we'd finished the conversation, one red eye just floating there. But I had bigger things on my mind. That very night I applied for a Monzo debit card, which charges 0% fees on front transactions with unlimited free cash withdrawals. Four days later it arrived, and about a week or so after that I was boarding a plane

to the Isle of Wight, where I had a pre-booked holiday. Three weeks after that I was on another plane to the United Kingdom where I was on the way back from the Isle of Wight. It was a three week holiday. After that, life got in the way. You know how it does. Things just build up and you just have so much to do. And two and a half months after that, I got on an X plane to the USA. And I believe that's where the book begins. I wonder, could you read us an excerpt? I'd love to.

I was touched down in Los Angeles International Airport. As I entered the terminal building, I saw my name, Michael Banyan, scrawled on a piece of A4 paper. Who was holding it? The English poet laureate, Simon Armitage. What the hot fuck was he doing here? Turned out he was trying to make it big in Hollywood too and was working as a taxi driver. While he tried to get his police procedural film off the ground. It was an orang-utang based film called The Long Fairy Arm of the Law. I told them it sounded like hot dog shit.

When we arrived at the restaurant, Armatage... That's right, I did... I developed a Mid-Atlantic accent on the way over. On the way over, Armatage... Armatage smiled at me and told me he only accepted Monzo. I could tell the creep was desperately hoping that I was behind the curve on the way Monzo has transformed international travel finance.

So it was with relish that I pulled out my Monzo card. And the smile fell off his face like a rat off the shard. My lunch meeting was in a crab and shrimp shack and waffle and shake burger joint next to the booming freeway. As I was shown to our table, part of me didn't believe that man with the caramel hand would actually be there, but he was there okay. But so was a nine inch steel gun sticking out of the back of his head.

The waiter approached and I said, anything with prawns, while I considered my next move. Five minutes later, the lights went down and Hans Zimmer started a DJ set. Pink smoke filled the room and a huge wobbly pink blobby monstrosity rolled up to my table with Margot Robbie herself at the helm. I'd ordered the prawn chariot.

It was the second most expensive prawn dish in the world and my Monzo card literally exploded. I was up shit Boulevard and I knew it. That's someone that's been up shit Boulevard and come back to tell the tale. metaphorically in London I'm on the home turf I can walk into any Bella Pasta and ask them if I can use the toilets with a hit rate of about three in five, which is actually very strong But in LA I was a nobody And the only way to go back to the UK was by getting my movie look who's talking mate Unfortunately, I had less connections than a game of connect 4 with all the pieces missing But thank God I could still write a good metaphor.

Oh, thank you for that reading, Michael. Incredible writing. Thank you, thank you very much. Describes so well the predicament you were in. I know. Luckily, of course, eventually you were picked up by a Hollywood super producer. I really was. Kathleen Weatherspoons herself. And you got the chance to show her your script.

Yeah, and she loved it. She absolutely loved it. You know, some connects. I was so, so lucky. So grateful to the... She really connected with the film. She only asked for a couple of superficial changes. Okay. Just a couple of little minor tweaks, including changing the name of the film, which was now going to be Deadpool vs. Lego Alien 4.

Okay, well we'll hear more from the book later. Let's just check the Franz and Tracker, see how he's doing. Fuck a fuckadoodle fuckadoon fuck! He's seriously close! Yeah, he's made it to central London. You know what, I know exactly where he is. I can zoom in. Yeah Yeah, I fucking knew it. It's the walk to walk next to the palladium And he'll be walking but he won't be walking he doesn't respect the coach he just walks The immense of walk to walk you have to walk to walk. You have to walk to walk, that's the whole concept. But he's walking to walk?

He's walking to walk, he doesn't care. He doesn't care, I tell you. And he'll probably be going for the beef and broccoli. Makes me sick. Well, thank you Michael Bunyan everyone. So, what does your lawyer have to say? I don't know, she just got here. Annalise, where have you been?

Hi, sorry I'm late. I forgot what side of the road you guys drive over here. Seems like a great lawyer. Hey, she's the cheapest and most Dutch lawyer in all of London. Sorry, why do you have a Dutch lawyer? Because of my killer USB. I only know the Dutch legal system. And that's why she's so cheap.

I've been looking at Barbara's letter, in it she claims that she owns the Beef and Dairy Network and that the podcast must be wound up by the end of this show. My suggestion is that we give in to her demands, otherwise I believe that we would be liable to a fine of over 50,000 pig tulip bulbs. Oh shit, maybe getting a Dutch lawyer was a mistake. Just face it, you're toast. No, I'm going to fight this. I don't think Mitchell even owns the Beef and Dairy Network, you're just the sponsor.

Okay, I did some reading on the way over here to help explain what is going on and strap in because it's a real meeting of the several mayors of Rotterdam, which is a, yeah, it's a Dutch phrase meaning complicated situation. Get on with it, we don't have long. So, the ownership of the network is set up in such a way that no one shareholder owns more than 50% and so no shareholder can have overall control, as we can see on this pie chart. So 20%, as you can see, is owned by the actor Ted Danson.

5% is the government of Estonia, 45% is Mitchell's Incorporated, 9% is Deborah Meaden, 5% is the employees of John Lewis, 9% is Paul Giamatti and the final 7% is, well I don't know who this is but his name is Gonzalez Bojangles. Wow, what a meeting of the several mayors of Rotterdam. So, as you can see, our friend here from Mitchell's doesn't own more than 50%. So she can't call the shots.

And good luck trying to get Ted Danson to play ball. He's currently planting corn on the moon and that's not a Dutch saying, he's actually doing it. Not so fast. It's true that Mitchell's doesn't own enough beef and dairy network, but Gonzales Bojangles is my illegitimate baby. Eww! Okay, okay.

So Gonzales Bojangles is your illegitimate son, but what difference does that make? Look at the rules. Bojangles is your illegitimate son, but what difference does that make? Look at the rules. Bojangles is nine months old. As his only parent, I can vote on his behalf. Ugh, she's right. Yeah, but she can't be the only parent, can she? Nobody knows who the father is. It isn't truck stop, that's for sure. No, he'd rather stick his dick in the Mitchell's semen milk or 5,000 rubber horse vagina. Or to be honest, wear it as a hat.

He is incredibly stupid. No, Gonzalez's father could be one of a thousand men. Fair play. Annalise, you try and work this out. I'll get on with the show and you try and work this out. Okay. Our next guest is a friend of the show. It's bovine arse-fed, Bob Traskoffik. Nice to see you, Bob. Thank you for having me, yes. How have you been enjoying this weekend here at the London Livestock Dietary Supplements Nice to see you, Bob. Thank you for having me, yes. How have you been enjoying this weekend here at the London Livestock Dietary Supplements

Con 2024? I believe you're actually working here? I've had a sort of truth gazebo in the corner. Working the angles. So your take on the dietary supplements industry, is that what you're talking about? Yeah. Well, it's horse shit, isn't it, the whole about? Yeah, well, it's it's It's horseshit isn't it the whole thing. I really I'm sort of interested in your view of supplementation like as a vet Yeah, because obviously these days, you know, there's a lot of people working in industry here

They'll be feeding supplements to their cattle in the hope of them being bigger and more healthy and that kind of stuff It's the woke karate again, isn't it? Right It's the Wokerati again, isn't it? Right. Right. So obviously in the old days we'd feed cows anything really, you know, we'd treat them like a bin, you know, some old plastic bags, live ammunition, but yeah. Sofas, white goods, you didn't get fly-tipping back in the day, did you? It's a modern phenomenon, right?

The cow is ultimately an animal of utility, you see, so they will eat what you present in front of them and they're fine. Because the old idea was of course they've got four stomachs. So one was for white goods, plastics, ceramics and glass, and lint. Yeah, exactly. But people have sort of lost this idea? Where's that gone? We, I'm not, it's liberal tosh. It's come from the non farming community

We and it's the same Boker auntie that complain about landfill sites Today we didn't need landfill sites before right you just left you jet ski on a bit of pasture land It was clean on day one it was gone by day two right Date day three it's cow pat, okay? Wow. And the cows were happy. The cows have been doing that for thousands of years. And so I'm here to push back on this fad. So it's your contention that cows have been eating washing machines for thousands of years?

That is my contention. Yeah. Which is why no archaeologist has ever managed to find one. It's really quite simple. Yeah. How come you're allowed to erect your truth gazebo here given that everything you stand for is against everything this entire conference is? Ah, well that's where you see people, occasionally security, will come and try and get rid of me but that's when you pop on the old gloves and the shoulder lengths. I mean I wouldn't dare, I don't wear these for work, of course

not because you lose texture, sensation, the sting of an errant sort of bilious anus, you lose a lot but it will fend off security guards. Interesting. So, obviously, as a vet, you've worked with both cattle that are taking zinc supplements, for example, and cows that aren't. What's the difference you'll see between those two classes of cows? The first category is owned by twats. Right. There's no difference. You can tell.

The simplest test of a healthy cow is through the anus, of course. If you haven't got much time, you can just put a naked flame by the anus and measure the guffs. There should be a sort of almost a constant, a bit like a sort of discharge. Like a pilot light. Exactly, a pilot light. It should be almost constant. And if they're getting too much supplements and they're not able to just eat what they want to eat then there's no flame.

Or there'll be too much flame and you'll know about it very quickly. So you're saying that if you give them mineral supplements, for example, zinc supplements, the pilot light will be too strong? I mean, if they like zinc supplements, you can give them to a... I mean, obviously you're allowed to give your cows treats now and again, whatever it might be. I mean, the cows I've worked with in the past, they love Special K, Fourth Generation Anabolic Steroids, lithium, chicken cream, whatever it is. with in the past, they'll have special K, fourth generation animal steroids, lithium, chicken cream, whatever it is, but it's a treat, it's not a

supplement, right? Okay. So in your view as a cow, and there's lots of people here who've got their own herds at home, what would you say is the perfect diet then for a cow? I think get back to basics and just look at the anus. The anus is where you read if the cow's diet is right If it's plump and softly pulsating If it catches the moonlight Even on a medium overcast night, then you know you've got it just so Well, if it's if it's got a dull finish and it's flameless

or if it's been colonised by smaller animals then you know you've... And then just feed it a washing machine, just chuck whatever you can, find the flighting goods, push whatever, I mean anything frankly, you know? I mean in the Black Plague they didn't need mass graves, they just left them out there the cows dealt with it, right? They don't mind they're workers. Yeah. Well, it's been nice to have you here. I mean, I hope you've been enjoying the whole weekend I don't know if you were present this morning at the manganese tasting where we of course saw James May From from Top Gear Sadly pass away. That was an incredible thing to witness wasn't it?

I've never seen a man burst. Yeah. Turns out he doesn't have full stomachs that was the problem. Wonderful. Sobering. And could you tell from his anus before it was about to happen or? We've got a bit of history, May and I, and... May and I and he replaced his anus quite a few years ago with the sprocket from a Royal Enfield. Okay. He just didn't maintain it quite enough to last the journey. Yeah and do you think that had any part to play in the Manganese explosion that we all saw earlier? I think that was yeah,

I think that was the absolute root of the cause. Yeah. Yeah. Mark Cheskothick everyone! I think that was the absolute root of the cause. Mark Cheskothick, everyone! Yay! Right, back to the book haul. I'm sorry to interrupt again, but I've got to say, first of all, I didn't appreciate your previous guests' views on Zink. Right.

And secondly, I just implore you to bring back Dr George Hereford and his talk, and I think the audience agrees with me, right? Zink! Zink! Zink! Zink! Zink! Zink! Zink! Zink! Zink! to bring back Dr. George Hereford and his talk. And I think the audience agrees with me, right? Zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc. Tickled zinc with Jonathan Tonsolo. I mean, Dr. George Hereford and Zixie in association with Hyundai. Thank you everyone for your continued interest in zinc. And, oh, Bob? Is that you?

George? Hang on, Dr George, you know Bob? Back in my younger reckless days when I felt that I was invincible, I'd been caught by a speed camera driving my Hyundai i10 at 34 miles per hour in a 30 mile per hour zone, and as such I had to attend a speed awareness course. The first thing that happened was that we were put into pairs and I was paired with Bob. I had to hold on to a watermelon while Bob had to smash it with a baseball bat. This was supposed to represent what happens to a human head when you drive into it at 34 miles per hour in a Hyundai i10. To

represent what happens at 60 miles per hour we each put a gammon joint into a cannon and fired it into a wood chipper. We broke for lunch and as I picked bits of gammon out of his already cow shit flecked hair, our eyes met. I don't know what came over me, but I felt more reckless than I ever had done before. More reckless than when I drove past that speed camera at 34 miles per hour. And I suggested that maybe during the lunch break I could shampoo his hair. So when everyone else went out to buy a Tesco meal deal, we stayed behind at the Speed Awareness Center. Well, it's fair to say

that we got carried away and when the rest of the course members returned to the center we were both stripped to our underwear, listening to Enya and massaging a hot Orangina into each other's thighs. For this we both got three points on our license, but it was worth it. Sexually he went like a train. I gave him the right signals and off he went. At the end of the course, which finished with us detonating 300 kilograms of TNT inside a greenhouse full of ham hocks to simulate what hitting a deer at a hundred miles an hour would be like. I turned to ask for Bob's phone number but as quickly as that ham had turned to delicious steam

he was gone. Georgia, sorry. He was gone! George, I'm sorry. No! Don't apologize. I moved on. I married and had my wonderful daughter, Zinksy. Zinksy! Oh. Zinksy.

Hi. Zinksy. Hang on, Zinksy. You know Bob. Zinksy. Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zing Zingsy, Zingsy, Zingsy! Zingsy, Zingsy! Zingsy, Zingsy! Zingsy, Zingsy, Zingsy, Zingsy, Zingsy, Zingsy, Zingsy, Zingsy! Ah, Zingsy! Sorry, Dr George, what was that last thing she said? I think it was sexually he went like a train. By which I mean under a Labour government I thought things might be different but now I'm not sure.

Right, enough of this. We've got a book launch to get on with. Before we do that, let's just make sure we're all in the same room. but now I'm not sure. Right, enough of this. We've got a book launch to get on with. Before we do that, let's just check in to see where Franzen is. So it looks like he's in King's Cross. Oh God, we need to hurry up. We need to get this book launched.

Okay, okay. Let's have the final reading. Okay. So this bit is from the first day of filming of my movie Wolverine versus Lego Alien 4 okay take it away it was 730 a.m. and I was in my mega trailer reclining on my L shaped sofa lowercase L but it was... It was... It was... It was still a hell of a sofa. It was a straight oblong made completely out of Lego.

I tried to get comfortable and plumped the Lego cushions. Ow! It really hurt. Why the heck wasn't I in a better mood? I had everything I'd ever dreamed of. I was finally richer than Prince Edward's children. I just spent a quarter of a million big ones on a real-time live self-portrait. Maybe Sheila Boeuf was right. Maybe it was just a mirror. But it wasn't that. Something else was making me feel uneasy.

I heard a voice whisper in my ear, you're a handsome fella. That was Dr Samuel Grubenheimer, legendary Hollywood therapist. He'd recently developed a radical technique called ego massage therapy. Rather than treat your narcissism he just feeds it with constant compliments. I bet you're quite good at ping pong. constant compliments. I bet you're quite good at ping pong. Nice. But a firecracker was about to go off under my ass.

The firecracker's name? Kathleen Weatherspoons. And my ass's name? My ass doesn't have a name. Okay, I do sometimes call my ass Osvaldo Skelton. Kathleen Weatherspoons burst in. Fanyan, get off your Osvaldo Skelton. We need to talk. Chill out. Take Weatherspoons burst in. Fanyan, get off your asphaldo skeleton. We need to talk.

Chill out. Take a seat on my sofa. Thanks. Ow! We've got a problem. It's Chalamet. Chalamet? You're better looking than Chalamet. Thank you very much. We're right in the middle of a Chalamet shit show, and we've got front row seats. Don't tell me he's walked.

He hasn't walked. Thanks God for that. You can't walk when you're dead. You probably could. I went into his trailer and he was halfway through his usual breakfast ride. I was like, I'm gonna go get some food. I'm gonna go get some food.

Worth every penny. I went into his trailer and he was halfway through his usual breakfast ride, a biscuit cathedral. Which one did he go for today? Jaffa Cakes St Paul's. But he never even got as far as the nave, let alone the transepts. God damn it, how did he die? I don't know, but I found a nine inch steel gun sticking out of the back of his head.

That's the same thing that happened to the man with the caramel hand. You have the soft hands of a pre-sausagey Prince Charles. I can't think straight, I'm too hungry. Where the fuck is my personal assistant, Christopher Nolan? Nolan? Hello, sir. Give me some freaking breakfast or I'll shit Christopher Nolan? Nolan? Hello, sir. Give me some freaking breakfast or I'll shit down your neck.

Thank you, sir. Who would want Chalamet dead? Hey guys, how is everybody? Chalamet. Do you want to join me in my trailer? I'm about to eat a replica of the Sagrada Familia made of Kinderbuenos. Chalamet you beautiful soft angular nymph. We thought you were dead. Here's a little secret about Chalamet.

I can't die. My flesh regenerates. How is this possible? I'm the first actor made entirely out of cultured meat. Of course. When I booked him for the job I had to specify how much chalamet we wanted to employ. We've been able to afford three tons of chalamet. Or about 250,000 fluid ounces. At the end of every production you

simply collect up any unused chalamet and send it back in special pouches. He's the first refundable actor. Exactly. The unused chunks are then stirred back into the main chalamet starter vat. If I don't take, we just add a bit of egg yolk and stir it through. It's brilliantly simple. I'm basically a sexy omelette. (*audience laughs*)

Okay, so Timothy Chalamet is very much alive. But someone killed a man with a caramel hand and they tried to kill Chalamet in the same way. Seems like someone doesn't want this film to get off the ground, but who? Hmm, do you have any enemies? For example, a secretive cabal that would have the funding and reach to be able to kill on foreign soil? A group famous for their harsh punishments,

for example, stitching a cow's face onto someone's face? I was starting to put two and two together, but just at that moment, the door of my chemical toilet flew off its hinges. Eat shit, dickheads! TV naturalist Chris Packer. What the semi-aquatic fuck are you doing here? I'm here to avenge the death of 40 terrapins at semi-aquatic world.

I'm going to tear you a new Osvaldo skeleton. It's not weird that you named your anus. Thanks very much. Timothy Chalamet. Kill Chris Packham. With pleasure. I pulled the machine gun out of my mini fridge and tossed it to Chalamet, who started strafing Packham. Enjoy these perfectly chilled machine gun bullets, Packham.

Chalamet filled him with bullets, but Packham. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uhhhhh uhhhhh uhhhhh uhhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh Until all that was left of them was a groaning sentient meat puddle. And then things started to get weird. Dr. Grubenheimer pulled his own head off, revealing a smaller head underneath. Ha! I'm not Dr. Grubenheimer. I never was! What the? I'm Dr. Cerberus Monzo, inventor of the Monzo Cards.

Of course! You think you can max out a Monzo and not feel the long arms of Monzo Vengeance? You owe me $250,000! Would you accept this real-time self-portrait device? Oh, lovely, thanks. Good luck with the film. Bye.

That's not the exit. That's the chemical toilet. All chemical toilets in the world are connected. That's how I get around. That's why I have bloodshot eyes and stink of shit. I was going to ask. A calm descended on the trailer. Kathleen Weserboons put her feet up on the Lego poof.

Oh! Well, thank God this is all sorted. Yes, but where's my fucking breakfast? Christopher Nolan better not have made it backwards or in a parallel universe or whatever stupid shit he always does. Hello, sir. I've got your breakfast. Oh, lovely. This has really got my appetite up all this. What is it? A plate of beef stew. Beef for breakfast? That's a bit odd. Nolan, what's on the menu for lunch today?

Beef stroganoff, beef remoulade, beef lorange. And what's the vegetarian option? Beef pie with beef. And dessert? Just beef. Something smells wrong about this. And I'm not just talking about the beef stew, which actually smells absolutely fantastic. Wetherspoon, what's the name of the catering company

on this shoot? Um, I think it's Barry's Food Universe. That's right, they promise a universe of food, and yet all they deliver is beef. Hang on, Barry's Food Universe, B-F-U. The Bovine Farmers Union! That's right, and Christopher Nolan is an anagram of Bovine Farmers Union General's Secretary, Barry Rundercrudge.

Is it? You're gonna die before you find out! Nolan pulled out the machine gun and massively killed Kathleen Weatherspoons with it. Take that Kathleen! I think you're meant to pull the trigger. You fool, I fired the bullets in the past and they're now traveling into your future because of Matthew McConaughey manipulating a pocket watch on a different timeline.

It's the sort of tedious shit I'm really into. The bullet will arrive at your heart any second now. Ah! Interstellar didn't make any sense! He then aimed it at my head. Time to die, Banyan. This is from the entire bovine farmer's union. Things seemed to slow down. I accepted my fate. I was ready to die. I'd squeezed every ounce of juice out of life. I made it to the top of the poetry charts by selling literally over 20 copies of my poetry collections. I'd been on the London Eye twice.

Annoyingly, I did have a voucher for H&M that I hadn't got around to spending, but no life is perfect. I prepared to take the bullets from Nolan's gun, which he was gonna fire backwards, but they'd eventually end up hitting me in the future because of some bullshit to do with Inception or some sort of fucking bollocks. Take that! At that moment, a tottering wall of meat rose up between us.

Shalime and Packham's liquefied meats had melded together and created a benevolent new being. Shalaham. Run Banyan! No! Damn you Banyan! And that's the end of the book. Pretty shit book. It is, yeah. It's not great, is it?

No. And that's your book launched. And we did it without Frans and arriving oh What a massive relief That's absolutely huge relief. Yes now Let's just check on the tracker, let's see he's actually He's traveling away from London. He's he's going to Aisbury Aisbury Aisbury Aisbury He's going to AYLESBURY. AY-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Well, that sounds like the end of your podcast.

And when I say end, I mean the end. Forever. Oh, hello. It's... it's you. Oh. Hi. I remember the smell of those gloves. Yes.

Well. I didn't think I'd ever see you again. I remember the smell of those gloves. Yes, well... I didn't think I'd ever see you again. Barbara? You know Bob? I thought I had it all. I married into the Mitchells family. I had the perfect marriage with Truck Stop. I would get on with undermining the corporate power of his brothers and father

while he would watch ice hockey in his man cave with his friend, Clunt. But there was something missing from our relationship. We were missing that spark. That spark that, if I'm honest, he seemed to have more of with Clunt than me. It was the Fourth of July, Independence Day, named after the Will Smith movie of the same name. We had a big family party at our ranch.

All the children were driving around on their quad bikes as Truck Stop lit fireworks and fired them out of Clunt's asshole. I'd seen enough of Clunt's asshole for one lifetime, so I took some time for myself and walked across to the far side of our ranch where I came across someone else who wasn't in the mood to party. It was the vet that truck stop had hired to euthanize the feral hogs that had been terrorizing our garden.

The light from the fireworks flashed in his eyes as he brought down the shovel on neck after poor sign neck. Are you married to that guy with the... Catherine Wells stuck up his ass. He said, no, I said, that's clunt. I'm married to the guy just to his right who's about to light the Catherine Wheel. He said,

What's a sophisticated woman like you doing married to a man like that? He poured hot Orangina from a flask and put it to my lips before bringing down another shovel on another hog's neck like a ham piñata. Over 30 feral hogs lay dying at our feet, but me? I'd never felt so alive.

Sexually he went like a train. In that where I'm from in the States we can really only do that in the more liberal coastal cities It was just one night and I didn't even know his name, but now I know it's Bob right Does this make any difference to you wanting to shut down the beef and dairy network? Oh not at all when this episode ends your podcast ends. Oh Annalise? So, I've looked at everything and she is right. Her case is as watertight as the many dykes that protect my parents' tulip fields from flooding.

If she is indeed the only known parent of the child, Gonzales Bojangles, she can vote on his behalf. Damn! Hang on a moment. Barbara, show me a picture of the child. Why? Just show us, Barbara. OK.

We see an image of a baby with the facial features of the mustachioed actor Mike Wozniak. Barbara! Bob is very clearly the father of that baby. You're right! And the law says that if the child has both parents, they must both agree for the child's vote to be valid. So Bob, will you let your child,

Gonzales Bojangles, vote to close down the beef and dairy network? Please, Bob, I'll give you anything. Money, I've got money. You want Glando, I can get you free Glando for life. Or maybe... Do you want to meet Melania Trump? I can make that happen.

No? What about my new podcast? It could be me and you. Barbara and Bob's beef bulletin with Barbara and Bob. What do you say? Barbara. No? Well, do you want me? You can have me, Bob.

To be honest, I think Truck Stop is probably having an affair with Clunt. Barbara, I'll stop you there. You're demeaning yourself. Listen, while you do seem totally batshit, I do fancy Melania Trump, so yeah, why not? I'll vote with you. Shut down the Beef and Dairy Network. Oh, Bob. Fuck it. You're only a trump- yeah, why not? I'll vote with you. Shut down the Beef and Dairy Network. Oh, no.

Bob, fuck it! Ha ha ha ha ha! Excellent! The Beef and Dairy Network is dead! Long live Barbara's Beef Bulletin with Barbara. I'm gonna be richer than Peter Crouch, who I'm led to believe is a soccer player doing well out of podcasting.

And you and your Dutch lawyer can live in obscurity like George Osborne and Ed Bald, whose podcast isn't cutting through like they would have hoped in the face of tough competition from Alastair Campbell and Rory Stewart. Absolutely no idea what that means. Um, excuse me? What is it, nerd? Well, I couldn't help but overhear and, um, well, your obvious megalomania, lust for power, psychopathic tendencies.

Yes. Well, these are all classic symptoms of zinc deficiency. What? Really? Yeah. I imagine you're also experiencing fragrant belches that smell like a banana vape. Well, yes actually. And constant cravings to eat soil. I have no idea what you're talking about. Thunderous flatulence. Zeus would be envious. This is textbook stuff. Zinksy, get the scan ready. Zinksy!

Right. Zinksy will now scan your body and detect how much zinc you have. Whoa! Oh my! That's the lowest reading I've ever seen! You have 0% zinc in your entire body. And that's a problem? Because you know what else I don't have in my body? Any fucks to give, you zinc-obsessed freak. Bit personal.

Well, it is a problem, actually, because without a huge zinc transfusion in the next few minutes, you'll die. Yes. Please, will one of you help me, please? Zinksy? Zinksy? Zinksy?

What is the zinc monster saying? Translate the foul words from its beak. She's saying that her heart is made of two things, pure zinc and kindness. Zinksy! And that she would like to give you the zinc in her heart to save your life. You would do that for me?

Zinksy! Oh! Ah! Oh! I already feel so different. I'm so sorry! I don't know why I tried to destroy your podcast and George, Dr. George, I'm sorry for calling you a freak, and Annalise, I'm sure you'd be a great lawyer if you practiced in the Netherlands. And now I see that Klunt is not a threat to my marriage.

He's just a good and loyal friend to Truckstop. And me! Oh my, I need to call Clunt, sweet adorable Clunt! Thank you, Zinksy. You saved the day. Zinksy! Zinksy! What is she saying? She's she's saying that she's now depleted all the zinc in her heart and as such... No!

Zinksy! What is it? Zinksy! She will now... die! Zinxy! She will now... DIE! ZINXY! We see Zinxy die. So, that's all we've got time for this week. We see Zinksy die. So, that's all we've got time for this month.

But for more beef and dairy news, get over to the website today. My metal daughter is dead! Get over to the website today where you'll find all the usual stuff. Are you not even going to mention it? As well as our off-topic section Why? Where this week, Irish singing star Enya shows us how to do a wheelie Make goddamn all our souls

So, until next time Bye! Be fans Thanks to Tom Crowley, Gemma Aerosmith, Lucy Farrett, Mike Wozniak, Henry Packer and onstage in London all the way from New York City, Linnea Sage. Also thanks to Greg Johnson for doing all the visuals for that show, obviously you couldn't see them on this in London, all the way from New York City, Linnea Sage. Also, thanks to Greg Johnson for doing all the visuals for that show. Obviously, you couldn't see them on this podcast version, but he did a really good job. And it is possible to still pay for a streaming ticket

to watch that show if you'd like to. I'll put a link in the show notes. Bye. Jackie Cation, hi, and welcome to the maximum fun.org podcast, the Jackie and Laurie show where we talk about stand-up comedy and how much we love it and how much it enrages us. We have a lot of experience and a lot of stories and a lot of time on our hands. So check us out.

It's one hour a week and we drop it every Wednesday on maximumfun.org. Maximum fun. A workaround network. Of artist-owned shows. Supported directly by you.