Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 117 - Beef 2024
Episode Date: December 22, 2024Jessica Ransom, George Foreacres, Michael Clarke, Henry Paker, Mike Wozniak and Linnea Sage join us this week as we look back over the biggest news stories from 2024. Co-written with Helen Price.Stock... media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.comMusic credit courtesy of epidemicsound.com:Sommarpsalm / TraditionalAn Abyss of Sadness / Jon BjorkAin't Gonna Change (Instrumental Version) / House Of Say
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Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those
involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. The Beef
and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website, as
well as the printed magazine, brought to you by Dr Gaffrey's Autumn Tonic. Now, as we
reach the end of the year, it's natural to reflect back on what has come before,
and joining me today to help sift through 2024 are Alan Bouker, the editor of the magazine
Beef Week.
Hello.
And Vanessa Rennard, formerly the Telegraph's pork correspondent, but now responsible for
the Swineherds Daily, a daily email newsletter for the pork industry.
Thank you for having me.
Alan, how has 2024 been for our old rivals Beef Week?
It's been a fantastic year, a really great year.
We feel lucky, quite frankly, because I know it's been a tough year for a lot of people
in the beef and dairy industry, but we are fortunate that even in these tough times our
magazine has managed to actually increase sales.
We've risen to four million copies a week in the UK, which has been a big landmark for us.
Sorry, did you say four million copies?
Four million copies a week, absolutely, yeah.
Just in the UK?
That's just in the UK, I believe.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
No, hang on. UK population is what, 60, 70 million?
Well, I'm coming.
So that's what? That's almost 10% of UK citizens, you claim are buying a copy of Beef Week.
That includes the elderly.
Yes, we're very popular with the elderly.
Children?
Yep, children, children.
We've got, well, you know, we have the little word searches and things at the back, like
we're very popular with the children, very popular.
Vanessa, a big year for you.
Yes.
First of all, thanks for, you know, crossing the drawbridge and coming into Beef Towers.
I know obviously you're from the pork side of the tracks.
Always happy to shake trotters with fellow farming enthusiasts.
Well, I wouldn't necessarily put us all in the same brackets.
Contamination we call it, don't we?
Yes, we don't want to avoid that certainly.
But you're big if you.
You've moved from print to online.
Yes, well we just felt like... Well done you. We didn't need to move with the times and so we felt like it was time really.
I'm surprised the pig farmer can turn on a computer much less read an email.
Oh come on, we've all had those silly rumours that it's not the case that pig farmers
you know think the keyboard of computer is a big
wobbly coaster. No, they are all very adept and the readership of the online daily version has
really outstripped the print version already. So we're really pleased with the way it's going.
Probably box, isn't it? Mostly.
So we're really pleased with the way it's going. Probably boxed, isn't it?
Mostly.
Mostly, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Beef 2024.
So the way this is going to work is I've asked my two guests to bring in some of their favourite
stories from across the year for us to think back over 2024 and reflect on an amazing year
it's been.
I've also selected some of the stories myself
and yeah, I'm looking forward to it.
Oh, it's quite a task. It's choosing your favourite child. It's been, it's been, it's
been a wonderful, wonderful task.
What a thrill. I'm excited.
So let's start with one of yours, Vanessa.
Thank you very much.
What is it?
So February 2024 was the first time that anyone worldwide managed to breed a pig that can run as fast as a dog.
Of course.
And we were all obviously incredibly proud that it happened here in Britain.
I mean, yes, I mean, it's something of, you know, it's something but, you know, obviously
any cow can outpace a pig or indeed a dog.
So it's-
Absolutely.
You know, it's rare to see a cow sprint, but when they do go for it, it's like watching
a runaway train made of beef.
It's you know, you must have seen that when one of the-
Oh, it's majestic.
You see them stampeding across the pastures.
It's really a sight to behold.
And then I think it would be a, I can't see that really having quite the same effect of
a sort of, you know, a jogging pig.
You know, it's probably quite a sad sight, like when you see someone trying to lose weight and you're just like, it's not going to happen, mate. Just give up, you know, a jogging pig, you know, it's probably quite a sad sight, like when you see someone who's trying to lose weight and you're just like, it's not going
to happen mate, just give up, you know.
Okay. I mean, that's, the point is we're talking about the achievement of the pig, the achievement
of the people around the pig's trainers, the pig's...
Well isn't an achievement, I guess is my question, you know, does the pig want to run?
If it's an achievement, it's definitely an achievement because it's never happened
before and now we've achieved it.
Okay, well Vanessa, you were there on the day I believe, so I wonder if you can tell
us about what exactly, how that happened and how it played out?
So, well, I'm tearing up thinking about it actually because so many people worked so
hard to make this happen. So we were in Wolverhampton and they had to do two laps of Wolverhampton City Hall and the
pig came out on top. No surprises that the pig is called Speedy and he's a cross between
a Gloucestershire Old Spot and a Balinese Island Hog, which is, I mean, it's the perfect
combo really if you want speed and accuracy
going around those tight corners.
Well, I've actually got some news footage from the time.
This is what a bystander had to say.
I cannot believe what I've just seen.
I can't, I can't.
Sorry, this is a lot for me to process.
Oh my God.
That pig was faster than a dog.
I cannot believe what I've just seen. That pig was faster than a dog. I can't believe what I've just seen. That
pig was faster than a dog. Was that a real pig? I mean, I think... I can't... I'm sorry,
I can't... I never thought I'd see a pig be faster than a dog, but that pig was faster than that dog.
What about the suggestion, you know, it's been a few months now since that happened
and since that time the internet has gone crazy about this.
There's definitely a strong suggestion that they'd actually weighted the dog down by feeding
it sand.
Now, people will create conspiracy theories wherever there is victory, wherever there
is success, people are cynical about it. And that's a terribly sad, sad sort of indictment
of how things are today, that nobody can achieve anything without somebody trying to pull them
down.
Yeah, okay. But what about the video went round on Twitter, Reddit of the dog afterwards
farting sand?
Well, the dog had been travelling through sand and maybe, I don't know, its rear end
had kind of sort of inhaled.
It was quite shocking.
I mean, he did sandblast a driveway, quite literally.
You could see it was quite shocking.
Well, we've actually got someone in the studio to join us who was there and who was involved
on the day.
It's Terry Tops, resident of Wolverhampton.
Welcome Terry.
All right.
Now, Terry, it's so good to have you here.
Thank you for having me.
Sorry, what was that?
Thank you for having me.
Now, it was your job to look after the dog, wasn't it, Terry?
Oh, that's it, yeah. Oh they get at me, they get at me the minded.
And oh that were it really.
And when I say look after the dog, what's that mean?
You have to feed it and...
Well August over there, there's the mayor, he's there.
And I went with my cousin, I say my cousin, he's my cousin's, cousin's mate's cousin, but near enough.
And he says, I'll come with me, I've got something to do this afternoon.
I go with him, he took the dog up.
He says, we're going inside now, we've got to see what's going on.
I've got to have a chat to them here.
So I, I just stops there with the dog and he
says, don't mind him if he gets hungry, give him a bit of sand. And that's it really.
Sorry, do you mean a sandwich?
You mean a sandwich, not sand?
No, sand.
Oh, sand.
Okay, so this is quite a, I mean no one's ever said this on record before, that actually the dog was fed sand.
Ah?
You were feeding the dog sand?
Yeah.
How did you get the dog to eat the sand?
Well, to be honest, I have to convince him. He was... Oh, they left me there. I had a bag of it, a big bag on it, like what did you get on the site? Just a big bag of sand
and I said what? You know he was looking at a bag of it, looking around it, sniffing around it,
and I said to myself, I said he's gonna go for that. So I opened the sack up, he just goes for it,
he has the lot. I've got to say the best best part are two bags of it, I would say.
Sorry Terry, can I just check, definitely said, did it say sand on the bags?
Yeah, oh yeah, yeah.
Gosh, well, wow, that's pretty seismic.
What was it like to be there, Terry?
When in history was made, that pig obviously overtook the dog and became the fastest pig of all time.
I watched it, I'd watch it.
I never watched it.
I just stopped there with the dog.
He was on a lead.
I saw a lead.
It was more of a route really.
And I waited till my cousin come out with the mayor and there was, to be honest, it
was quite keen to get him back inside the building.
The mayor died.
He didn't speak to you, didn't even look at me.
He just sk gave me cousin,
me payment and then me cousin gave it to me. And then I went back inside and I left.
And now that's a can of worms I don't want to open because it sticks with me that because they
stitch me up if I'm being honest. Oh, really? What was your payment meant to be? Well, I'd said I'd do it for six sausages. Right?
So he comes down the mayor with the bag. He says, here, give this to him.
Like I said, I look at me, oh nothing. I says, oh. I says, thank you.
But he was already going back inside.
My cousin looked annoyed, I don't know what was going on between them.
And he just give me the bag and says, right, I'll see you later. So I get some, do I? Six sausages
I'm expecting, I open the bag. Five, there's five in there. Five sausages.
I'm very sorry to hear that.
I couldn't believe it. I could not believe it. I says, and that's the mayor. There are
nobody there, but I says it out loud like to myself, I says, and that's the mare. There was nobody there but I says it out loud like to myself, I says and that's the mare.
You don't think, sorry Terry, you don't think it's possible that perhaps the dog had eaten one of the sausages because it was so hungry because it hadn't had it?
I am telling you, he were hungry for sausages. I don't know what was up with him but all he was interested in was sand.
Right, okay.
You know what, I'm actually quite scared.
What, what, what is this?
What is this me?
How can, how can this be?
How can, can a pig be faster than a, what else can a pig be faster than?
If it can be faster, if a pig can be faster than a dog, what else can it be faster than?
Can it be faster? Can it be faster than light? Can a pig be faster than a dog, what else can it be faster than? Can it be faster than light?
Can a pig be faster than light?
Can I be seeing a pig and that pig's actually already dead, but the light, the pig's travelling
so fast that it's, I'm seeing the pig, but it's not even a light?
Is it possible that pigs are from the future?
Is it possible that all pigs are from the future and they've been sent to warn us?
And we haven't heeded their bloody warning, have we?
You fools! You fools!
Beef. 2024.
24.
Let's cast our mind back to March.
This is the story that bovine anthropologists discovered that cows slut-shame each other.
Of course they do.
In one of the most alarming discoveries of the year, researchers from the bovine social
unit at the University of Cambridge published shocking research detailing the level of slut-shaming
within beef and dairy herds. The cows appear to target other cows who have more rounded
udders, which is seen quite wrongly, I'd'd say amongst the cows as a way of inviting attention.
What do you make of this, Alan?
I don't know, it's complicated isn't it, because as we see cows evolve more and more
as sort of social creatures, there are unfortunately going to be aspects of this to interpersonal
relations between cows.
And you know, we've seen the sort of shaming take on lots of different forms,
you know, shoving from the side, sort of ostracizing.
Or you know, I did actually, we had an example of one cow trying to trick another cow into eating barbed wire,
which was quite shocking.
That's pretty dark.
Quite shocking indeed. Yes, yes.
But I think these are very limited cases. I think this
isn't something that you know, something you'd certainly expect maybe more of, pigs, that
sort of thing.
If I could just stop you there, there's actually been quite a lot of research into, yes, of
course, there are anthropological developments in the swine industry as well, but they tend
to be a little bit more positive. Pigs are positive animals. People look at a pig and
they think, oh, lovely a pig.
That's not what I think.
No, I have quite a...
I think about how many sassies you can make out of them, you know what I mean?
Exactly, that's a lovely positive response, Terry.
I didn't actually quite catch that, Terry. What was that, sorry?
I said, I think about how many times you can make out of them.
You know what I mean?
Wonderful, wonderful.
So you're sticking around are you Terry?
Ah?
No, it's fine.
You can stick around if you like.
Yeah.
I don't mind.
I've got nowhere else to be.
Let's talk solutions then.
Alan, what are people saying can be done about this?
Well, you know, we've heard reports that some well-meaning farmers have taken to covering
up the others. But then that has received a bit of backlash saying that's victim blaming,
you know, doesn't really get to the root of the problem. Which I think is, you know, do
we have unrealistic expectations of cows? You know, they've come to...
Yes.
Oh, you'd agree that we do.
Well, I mean, I think you've just sort of proved your own point. You definitely don't
realise the expectations of them.
Each year we see them outdo themselves and become more and more, you know, luscious.
You know, the others just get bigger and more sort of firmer and pert. And so how can they
live up to these expectations? You know, it's just, they're constantly exceeding our expectations.
So of course it is going to breed a climate of what's next.
Of competition.
Of competition, absolutely.
Because these are an elite animal, as opposed to pigs, where there's only a certain level
they can get.
There's very much a glass ceiling or a steel ceiling, or you don't even really need it.
Well, they can't look up, can they?
So they don't need a ceiling.
But with cows, they very much are
an elite beast.
A sort of Ronaldo animal.
Absolutely, absolutely.
But you're creating competition within them and nobody likes Ronaldo.
No, that is a good point.
Oh, mate, he's a decent bloke. I met him once. He's alright.
You met Ronaldo?
He said as he was Ronaldo, I don't know why he was up the three crowns in Willinghall, but...
He thought he was alright.
Well, there we are.
I'll tell you what I noticed about him.
He was bigger than what you'd think.
I mean, fatness-wise.
But he did have the shirt on.
So...
Oh, with the name on the back?
Yeah.
Yeah, case closed.
Alright. That sounds Case closed. Hmm.
Alright.
That sounds like it.
N.O.
BEEFY
2024
24
Alan, I asked you to bring in your favourite story of the year, and yeah, you've brought
in one from June.
Yes. Now, this is a little story we covered on Beef Week. After $90 million worth of cocaine
was mixed up with a shipment of bovine antifungal powder, a Colombian drug baron, Juan Casanava,
went undercover in the village of High Shotley in Shropshire to get his product back. But
in unexpected events, he ended up falling in love with a local milkmaid and developed
a genuine passion for rural life.
Now I've got to tell you, I've got to tell you this now because this is a funny coincidence.
I've been doing a bit of work for him actually.
Oh with Juan?
Oh yeah, I've been taking the ovary off his front wall.
And I've got to say he is a top bloke.
Now I'll tell you this much, when he tells you he's gonna give you six sausages, he gives them to you.
You all get home, you all look in the bag, there's six sausages in there, and I'll count them twice.
And you co-sign that for the Mayor of Wolverhampton.
Ah?
Clearly.
What does that tell you?
I'm not entirely sure.
Well, have a think.
That this man will give you six sausages?
Yeah.
That the mayor of Wolverhampton's not to be trusted?
That's exactly right.
Do you want to know, did you know the special ingredient in those sausages?
Do you?
Yeah.
Have you heard about the...
No.
Okay.
Well, it's actually a bit of an industry secret.
So Juan has got his own little drove of pigs and he feeds them purely on a diet
of people who've betrayed him and that's why his sausages are so tasty.
They are lovely actually.
But he'll never shortchange, he'll never give you five, he's promised you six.
He's a top bloke.
Sometimes there is an extra one in there if you know what I mean. I mean he just gives
you an extra sausage.
Or the seven pins of arrival.
Could be that, yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, lovely guy by all accounts.
I've not met him yet.
Yes, no, lovely, lovely chap.
Lovely guy.
I actually visited a friend in High Shotley a few months back and I'm thrilled to say
that the villagers have really accepted him as one of their own.
They've no choice.
Well, absolutely, yeah.
It was a sort of, you know, well, I think there's quite a crossover between, you
know, gang warfare and sort of village fate sort of culture, you know.
So there's, they both value loyalty.
They both don't take kindly to outsiders and...
Very organized.
Very organized.
They usually have a shooting range of some sort.
And they're not afraid to feed their
rivals to pigs.
Of course, you couldn't feed a rival to a cow because it would ruin the cow.
Absolutely.
With a pig, who cares?
Waste of a good cow.
Pigs have a sense of justice, so they know what they should be eating.
But if they had a sense of justice, wouldn't they rather than eating the rival of a drug
baron go to the police and say, hang on?
They're loyal to their masters, is what I'm saying.
So you're saying they're morally buyable?
Well yeah, aren't we all?
I definitely am. I mean, some of the things what he's made me do, I tell you, there's
times I want to ask for 12 sausages. There was a one time, me and Ronaldo, because he's
doing a bit of work with me now and all since I met him.
I mean, I don't know what it was we was dumping.
But I would say it was about 12, 13 stone.
Because even, I mean Ronaldo's a big lad, but he was struggling to carry it.
And I'd taken up the canal at about 2 o'clock in the morning, dumping on somebody else's boat. Oh my god, the noise
it made when we dropped it. It was like a big bag of crisps and liquid. Because the
sound it made. I can still hear that sound. Are you sure it's Ronaldo, Terry? Yeah, he got the shirt.
Beef. 2024.
24. Let's move on to July. This one's a bit of a strange story actually. King Charles gave his
first interview in his capacity as the symbolic head of the beef industry. It was a kind of state of the nation address type thing. The monarch has always
been so closely and intimately related with the beef industry. So we were interested to
see what he had to say. He gave the interview to, I think it was, I can't remember actually
who it was.
It was Beef Week. It was guilty. We were lucky enough to get that scoop.
Congratulations. Well, no, thank you.
No, we feel very honoured.
Yeah, I mean, don't want to pop your balloon, but we were actually offered the interview,
but we turned it down.
Oh, congratulations.
Yeah, because I think we're the first port of call really for the Royals when it comes
to this kind of thing.
Well, that's interesting because Charles came to me personally saying, you know, I'd love
to come and tell you this story.
I did want to hurt your feelings because obviously, you know, you've got quite a high opinion
of yourself so he didn't want to slash you down.
Whatever high opinion of our majesty the king and he has a high opinion of beef week.
Well they came to us first and unfortunately we'd already lined up an interview with Enya
so.
Oh congratulations.
Yeah.
Oh this was the.
Well it wasn't actually Enya actually.
Well no, it might have been Enya, we're not sure.
We think it might have been an Enya Tribucat, who goes by the name Enya but spells it differently,
but we can't work out how you spell Enya, so...
Nobody can.
No, and she wears a veil, so it's hard to, you know...
But didn't seem you know.
She had that carrier bag full of service station crisps with her.
Not sure Enya.
Well, you know, Enya's a crazy...
But what are you expecting Enya to eat? You know, like...
Well, snow, I suppose.
Yeah.
Anyway, this year we were very lucky to have Charles as our cover star.
His majesty?
Yes, his majesty. Well, he does let me call him Charles.
We were friends back at school. And in fact, that's where his relationship with cattle began.
It was a difficult time for him growing up as a boy, but he used to find solace in the
Highland cattle there.
If he was having a difficult time at school, he'd go and visit them in the fields and he'd
talk to them, stroke their hair, rest his forehead on their forehead.
They had a sort of connection with him.
It was really remarkable to see.
In fact, when he left school, he was so sad to part ways with them
that he instructed his staff to kill and stuff the entire herd so that he could like take
them with him throughout difficult times in his life. You know, I do personally know that,
you know, after the death of Diana, he spent a week in mourning just him and his cows and
no one was allowed to, he couldn't even knock on the door.
Alan, it's just so exciting for you. I can't believe you got the interview.
Oh, thank you, Vanessa. It must have been such a privilege. I mean, I know we're from different sides of the industry
and we represent different parts of the farming community, but I just, what a thrill.
It was wonderful and it felt like, you know, a real blessing. I feel very, very lucky.
Yeah, I was featured with Ennia or maybe the end of Tribute Acts was actually really good as well.
Yes, I'm sure it was. And hey, maybe you'll get to interview Charles next year.
One actually no.
Oh?
Because actually, we don't think Charles is king.
You don't believe Charles is king of...
No, so this is official actually.
The Beef and Dairy Network position on this is that Charles disgraced himself to such
a degree with his marriage to Diana that he should never have become King. The crown should have gone to the next eldest male heir. For us it's
it's King Andrew. King Andrew. Right. All hail King Andrew!
Is he the wrong gun? B, B, 2024.
Is he the wrong gun? Beef.
2024.
2024.
August, the story I've picked, is Bovine Farmers Union urges lawmakers to think twice
about cannabis legalisation.
The BfU submitted formal evidence to the Government Committee investigating potential impacts of
cannabis legalisation, and their case was that billions of cows each year could develop
cannabis dependencies via passive smoking, secondhand smoke from midnight tokers climbing into farmers fields
and having a lovely midnight dupe.
Yes, it's a troubling story this one because you know there's quite a culture, I'm sorry
to say, of teenagers, or they call it highland cowing, where they actually, you know, let's
get a land cow high and just see what
we can do with it.
A blowback sort of into the snout.
Yes, absolutely. I mean, I'm sorry to say, you know, because teenagers are less moral
than cows, you know.
Well, they've got the kind of moral complexity of a pig, really.
Yes, I'd say so.
Similar outlook.
Yeah, absolutely. And they're not to be trusted, not to be cared.
So can I just be clear, Alan, you're saying that actually this is actually worse than
what the BFU is saying. So the BFU is saying that there's this sense that maybe people
will have a cigarette, a naughty cigarette, and the smoke will drift across the herd and
they'll take in a bit of...
This is no accident.
You're saying that they are literally blowing cannabis into the...
They are blowing cannabis into every orifice...
Into the anuses of cows.
...and into the anuses of cows, absolutely. It's no accident. They get
on their knees, they prise it open and they just blow as hard as they can.
And I actually had a short conversation about this with bovine arse-fet Bob Triskothic.
When a teenager blows cannabis smoke into a cow's anus, which some people term hot
oxing I gather, it's fantastically dangerous both for the teenager as
well as for the cow.
For the teenager, they may be ignorant of the fact that the cow has an extremely complex intestinal and gastric
system, many different
chambers, and the nature of the smoke, particularly from a teenager's lungs, can cause a negative pressure effect, which can mean that the teenager's mid and lower face areas are adhesed, suctioned
effectively, into the cow's anal area, like a sort of perfectly airtight mask, and that can lead to
the suffocation of the teenager. For the cow, there is some quality of cannabis smoke which is retro-digested on the way through.
By the time it reaches its larynx, it has the same effect that helium has on human beings
and it'll absolutely ruin its moo and devalue the entire herd.
Pretty serious stuff there.
Shivers down your spine, doesn't it?
What have you been hearing, Alan, about the effects of cannabis on cows? They have a very complex biosystem of cows, so even the slightest bit of cannabis will
make a cow regress and basically be of similar use as a pig, which is a very sad thing to
see.
Yeah, sort of intellectually subnormal, then.
Yes, absolutely.
Yeah, humiliatingly so. Yeah.
But that's part of the pigs outlook is they've actually been testing this in Holland, they've
been giving pigs cannabis vapes and it's really created a lovely atmosphere for the pigs and
their farmers alike.
Well, yeah, because that's the reason because obviously pigs are big in with.
They're dusters.
They're dusters. That's the sort reason because obviously a pig to begin with, they're dusters.
That's the sort of mindset of a pig.
Yeah.
And cannabis, you know, yeah, it'll chill out.
But you're not, with a cow, you've got this complex and elite animal with an intellect
that's being trampled on by cannabis.
But the intellect's already working against it because they're sort of shaming each other,
they're becoming competitive with each other.
I mean, you know, all the evidence points to... They're ambitious, they're ambitious creatures.
Yeah, and they're becoming evil.
I don't think there's anything to be ashamed of. Sorry, I really don't.
They're becoming, you know, it's this and we create a hierarchy of cows.
A pig literally looks at the ground its entire life.
And it's a simple life that it enjoys and it is happy with. You should try looking at
the ground for a while. See what you might see.
Well, pig shit most likely if it's at your house.
Or human shit. Hey, now, come on.
I don't mean at your house, I mean...
just generally.
Round at Ronaldo's.
The amount of shit on the floor.
There I know telling where it's come from.
Beds.
Cats.
Social workers.
Police.
Beef.
2024. Beef. Beef 2024. 2024.
Okay, this is from September.
A story that's close to my heart.
It's about the death of the Bovine Farmers' Union's
oldest member, Cedric LeBouvié,
who died at the ripe old age of 109.
I'm proud to say he was a personal friend of mine,
a wonderful fellow, and I wondered if I could just spend a bit of time telling, sort of proud to say he was a personal friend of mine, a wonderful fellow, and I
wondered if I could just spend a bit of time telling, sort of eutogising really, and talking
about what he managed to do in his life.
Of course.
That'd be lovely.
You've all got nowhere to go.
Cedric was born in France in 1915. His parents owned an art supply shop in Paris, and he
used to say that he could remember selling pencils to Van Gogh
as a child.
Wow.
But that's impossible because Van Gogh died in 1890.
And so he was either lying or another possibility is that back then there was somebody posing
as Van Gogh, perhaps dressing as him, in a bid to steal free pencils from a child.
And with that sort of thing going on it's no surprise that at 18 he decided to move
to Britain and make his dream of living in Leicestershire a reality when he moved to
Market Harborough.
And it was after winning a calf in a raffle that his farming journey began.
He was much loved in farming circles of course, but what many people don't know is that Cedric
balanced his farming commitments with military service, serving in WWII with the RAF, in
the Korean War on the side of North Korea, in the Vietnam War for the Viet Cong, he captained
an Argentine battleship during the Falklands conflict, and in the 2010s he got stuck into
ISIS on an entirely freelance basis.
I've got a quote here from his daughter. She writes,
birdbath succeeded. So a complicated man, certainly. Did either of you ever meet Cedric?
I met him once, but it was very fleetingly, because I was just on a flight and it had
been hijacked. I couldn't quite fully make out what he was saying. He was shouting, saying
everybody get down, get down. But he had a little twinkle in his eye.
Was that the Mossad days?
Yes, yes, yes, that was his Mossad days, I believe.
You know, a very shrewd man, very clever.
Top bloke.
Oh, you knew him?
Yeah.
I'd done a bit of work for him, what's that you're say about 15 years ago.
And, oh, what was I doing now?
Oh, I was, I was riking out his koi pond.
And I says at the end, I says, right, that's done.
He says, oh, he's all old and everything.
He says, oh, that's thank you.
And he gave me a bag with six, six sausages in there, he says. So I got home all the way across back across the Midlands all the way back in Wilrush I come back get back in the house I open the bag what do you think's in there?
Five sausages again. I says and this bloke has lived as long as he has.
I said, what a...
I thought I would even want to tell you what I called him.
I was cursing his name.
But he was a lovely bloke.
Thank you, Terry.
Now, of course, it wasn't only Cedric who was taken from us this year.
And I think it's good to have a moment just to mark those who left us from the beef industry
this year. I'm going to read them out. If you have any memories or any reminiscences
of these people, please do chime in. So first of all, Jim Morris, the inventor of the vibrating
anti-prolapse glove.
Yes. It was sad to see him go. He was a good friend. I mean, he helped us. He was pivotal
in the research into finding out how we could prevent teenagers
from opening up cow's anuses, you know, and his glove was vital in helping that research.
So you know, I hope he knows whenever I'm down on my knees with my fist off a cow's
arse I think of him.
Archie Waller, disgraced bovine magistrate.
Maybe the less said the better though.
Yes, yes.
Archie, better said. Yes, yes. Aren't you? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Dodgy bloke.
Cleen Rees, founder of Rees and Sons
caffeinated animal feed.
And that's animal feed that you can put that in a cow,
you can put that in a pig, it'll pep them up.
Yes, yes, absolutely.
It's a great product.
Again, being misused by teenagers, you know,
sort of feeding them to each
other, feeding them to frogs. Famously use the slogan, this little piggy goes wee wee wee all the
way home after some of my caffeinated animal feed. Yes. Oh yeah, it'll make a pig piss all right.
Oh absolutely. And a person. Next up, Dame Maggie Smith, of course, a pedigree short-horn enthusiast, she had thousands of them.
Yes, yes. Running round all over the place. It was always a treat to visit Maggie. Yeah, she'll miss her.
So I'll tell you this much. Dogger doing her work for her, cos if her says she's going to buy you six sausages, you can bet she will'll get em' ya. I tell ya, I went there cause I had that much mess out of all them animals.
I was there with a rike going over the old garden.
It took me four hours.
I says, here ya are, here's the bag.
I says, Merry Christmas, I'm on my way.
I get home.
I open the bag.
You'll never guess how many sausages in there.
Five sausages.
There's five sausages in there. I says, and hers a knight of the realm. I
says, is having a laugh. I don't even watch the lady in the van. Look like a lot of shit.
Samantha Whitley, founder of Velvet Glove Bull Seamen Extraction Services, a Titan in the semen extraction
world.
Yes, absolutely.
Absolutely.
I mean, there wasn't a cow scrotum she couldn't milk dry.
Oh, absolutely.
No, a lot of cow scrotums have her to thank.
They really do.
Why are you blushing, Alan?
Oh, we, you know, Samantha and I had a, she was a good friend.
Well, we grew up together and when I first met her, she was just a wide-eyed girl with
a dream of extracting semen from bulls.
And, well, I like to think I played a little part in her research.
Antonio Perez.
I am not sure who that is.
No, sorry.
He was a matador.
Oh, yes.
Of course.
Manuel Alfaro.
Doesn't ring a bell, I'm afraid.
No, I'm afraid I don't know who that is.
Sorry. He was a matador. Right. No I'm afraid I don't know who that is, sorry.
He was a Matador. Right.
Hugo Fernandez. Matador.
Yep. Carlos Garcia.
A Matador. Yes, also a Matador.
Diego Higuain. Matador.
Matador. Yes, Matador.
Juan Martin. Okay, yep.
Are you aware of Juan Martin either of you?
No. Can't say, cross path.
He was a Matador. Miguel Torres. Are you aware of Juan MartÃn either of you? No. I can't say. Cross path?
He was a matador.
Miguel Torres?
Did either of you know Miguel Torres?
Was he a matador?
Yes.
Not a very good one it turns out.
Rafael Gomez?
None of them were it seems.
So is he a matador as well?
Yes, he was a matador.
Right.
And finally Alejandro González.
Matador?
No, he was the Spanish Agricultural Minister.
Right. Should have known that really.
Well, it's, you know, it's dangerous work, you know.
You never meet an old Matador.
I've er, I've er...
Sorry?
I've er, I've met him. The er...
The Spanish Agricultural...
Spanish Agricultural Minister, Alejandro González.
Er, he was er...
You doing a bit of work for him? I was doing a bit of work for him?
I was doing a bit of work for him, yeah, he's up at the embassy.
What was I doing now? Grouting.
And he says at the end, he says,
Hey, do you want to throw some of these?
I says, what's them? He says, them sausage.
I says, oh, oh, I says a little bit.
He says, chorizo is what them are.
I says, oh, yeah.
He says, do you want to throw?
I says, I'll have six on him if I can
he says yeah no problem I help him as a bag up how many sausage things in there? Five
there's five in there I says to him oh hang on before I go because I'm not having this
again I says there's five in here and he looked at me dead in the eye and he was furious and
he goes you've had one of them I says
you what he says you've eaten one I says am you joking he says and he's got me by
the collar now he says you've had that I know you've had it I could hear you
eating it I said that wasn't me and he says well he wasn't and I says I don't
know I says I've been up there working and we were up in each other's faces now.
And he's going, you've had that one.
I says, let go of me.
And he's pushed me off him.
I says, you can stuff your grouting up your arse.
And he's laughing now and he's going,
ah, you've already done it.
Oh, there's nothing I could have done anyway.
So I goes home and I had the foie-bouche in there.
Right. And I thought it were a bad day, really.
Okay, thanks Terry.
I like the Spaniards.
Overall.
Especially Ronaldo. He's a top lad.
B FEEF 2024
...24.
Okay, October. One that I'm sure you'll have opinions about Vanessa. In October it was
reported that more than a million pork farmers worldwide each year are eaten by their own
pigs.
We've hit the million!
Yes. Now you're much more chipper about this than I thought you might be because this is
a...
Can't say I'd be smiling about it personally.
Yeah, I mean bloody hell.
What an honour. What a way to go. I mean, it's the highest honour in the swine
world to be consumed by your own...
Is that right?
By your own pigs. Yeah. It shows an absolute complete mark of respect to the farmer. Every
farmer sort of aspires to it, trying to make themselves look a bit tastier for the pigs throughout the year.
I was sure you were saying the farmers are actually trying to get...
I mean, there's a practical level to it because you have to make sure you've got the infrastructure
in place after you've gone. But if it does happen, you really gain the respect of the
other pig farmers in the community.
Now, I get what you're saying. You're saying it's almost like a spiritual thing for it
to happen.
Yeah.
Or they're just giving up. I can't take this anymore. I'm a pig farmer. What's my life
become? And they just lie down and let the pigs... You know what? They'll probably pump
the pigs full of cannabis and then wait for them to get their munchies and then...
No.
...nobble them off.
No. Alan, they don't do it like that. That would be altering the course of fate.
But you know what? This is really quite a staggering statistic. I mean the fact
that there's more than a million pork farmers worldwide are eaten by their own pigs. So
statistically, so how much farmer now are in sausage, when you eat the sausage these
days, surely you're eating more farmer than you are pig.
No, that's the highest honour, that's the farmer providing for his customers in the
ultimate sense of the word.
Now I think the way you're talking about it Vanessa is as a noble thing, as a wonderful thing,
you know, what about those people who would point out that if you're eaten by your own
pigs, you actually avoid inheritance tax?
Well, I think the inheritance tax is a tricky issue and I think that all farmers can agree
that that is a problematic thing, but I can assure you that there is no evidence that this is a tax
swindle in any way.
Because that's why Jeremy Clarkson fed himself to a pig.
Well that's definitely a scam. There's been sightings of him since.
Ah.
So, yeah, I think.
He might have fed like a sort of Guy Fawkes, like a guy.
Yes, yes.
I think it was Caleb. I think he tried to feed Caleb to a pig.
Or James May maybe.
Yeah, possibly.
Yes, yes, yes.
A pig would make short work of Richard Hammond.
Oh, one bite.
One bite.
Absolutely.
Yeah, but that issue aside, tax issues aside, the pig keeping community knows that it's
a really high honour.
And, you know, to be honest...
I'm sorry, Vanessa, I just think it's quite a stretch.
I think it's quite rich to say
that farmers want this to happen. I'm sorry Vanessa, I just think it's quite rich.
They don't want it to happen because they're happy with their jobs, but if it does happen,
it's a mark of respect from the pigs. And I think you should have a bit more respect
for the pig industry. I'm sick of sitting here and having you both lay into me about
how pigs aren't as good, pigs aren't as clever. pigs are very happy, they're happy as pigs in shit.
Well exactly, to think that that's the highest thing they have to their name is to be happy
that they're rolling around in shit. I mean compare it to, you know, there's a reason
why millions and millions of people across all sort of world major religions, they worship
the cow. Who's worshipping a pig? Just look at all the phrases around pig. It's all negative.
You make a pig's ear of something. Oh happy as as a pig in shit. Oh, you're thick as pig
shit. Oh, you know, you're just a poke porking a pig.
That's not one.
Well, a lot of people are using it these days.
You've just made that up, Alan. Terry, let me bring you in on this. Terry, what do you
get paid in for most of your jobs?
What do you get paid in for most of your jobs?
You don't have to answer this, Terry.
Well, sausages. Sausages? Sa don't have to answer this, Terry.
Sausages?
Sausages?
Sausages.
And what kind of sausages are those?
They're alright, I mean them.
Are they pork sausages?
Are they pork sausages, Terry?
I don't know. I mean, I'm not a scientist. I don't know what they're made of. I mean...
Okay, we know that Juan's sausages were made from pork because they came from his pigs.
We know that this is... They were also made out of his rivals.
His rivals had been eaten by the pigs, therefore their pork sausages. Case closed for Juan.
The pork's just a transferring mechanism. They are more human than pig, just like your
sausages for the farmers. I would say most sausages now are more human than pig.
But they've been consumed by pigs. Come on, please show me some respect. I've not come
here to be spoken to like this.
The pig is now nothing more than a delivery mechanism for cannibalism. I'm sorry. That's
the case.
Are you going to continue to let him speak to me like this?
Alan, look, I think maybe actually you should apologize to Vanessa. Look, she's come here
at very short notice, you know.
It was short notice actually.
Yeah.
Because that guy got hit by a car.
Sorry, but was I not your first choice?
Vanessa, I am sorry. I'm sorry that you have devoted your life to a deeply ignorant beast.
I'm sorry that I'm sitting next to one.
Who, me? Not you you Terry. You're lovely.
Ha!
B-3. 2024.
24.
Okay, we're getting towards the end of 2024. It's time for November. Only last month.
No, just please. Can I say, can I please say something? Er yeah, by all means.
I just wanted, can I, I want to do a story.
I've got to do a story.
Yeah, no okay, yeah.
It was, it was the mayor, it was my fault, I swear it was my fault, it was the mayor
who made me do it.
That dog.
I should never have given it none of that sand.
I don't know, I don't know.
I was just doing what I was told and he says, I've got to get this off my chest now.
The mayor he says, you make sure that dog finishes all that sand.
I thought to myself, that thou seem right, but I know no dogs, I'm not familiar with them.
And he got through that sand, I'm telling you.
He kept eating, I should have stopped him.
And I tell you, God love his vengeance on me and he's doing it in his own way. I tell you every time I open one of them bags of sausages, they tell me it's gonna be six.
But I know it's gonna be five when I look in there and I know it's one.
I've brought it on myself.
I've brought it on myself through my actions.
I'm a mom nothing.
I'm less than nothing.
I'm a mum nothing. I'm less than nothing. I'm a monster.
B FIEF 2024
Okay, that's all our stories from the year, but let's just round up some of the headlines
coming out this week.
Wading Cow in the Amazon, able to breathe through anus. Any thoughts on this?
Yes, this is a fascinating story. I believe the military are very interested in what this
could spell if they could sort of adapt it for warfare technology.
Scientists closer to the creation of a triple cream.
Yes.
We've been battling away with double now for quite a long time.
Absolutely. It feels like there's a new kid on the block. It's very exciting. I know Heston Blumenthal had his part to play.
He's sort of up in his castle, summoning lightning and stuff, saying, I'll do whatever it takes.
He's getting close. He's getting close.
Well, I don't wish to trample on that particular fire, but apparently there is quite a lot of
technological research going into the advances in pork cream and that is
going to be a big new story in 2025.
Yeah, so once you can knock out all those parasites it's going to be edible isn't it,
just about?
Yeah, it'll be able to stand up on its own pork cream, slide it out of a tube.
Good God.
And final headline coming in today, Angela Merkel plans new towel.
Finally.
Yes, I think you're saying what we're all thinking there.
She's been using that same old towel, that ratty old thing.
Chuck it away, Angela.
Don't know what the plans are yet for what she's going to go for.
Obviously, she's no longer the Chancellor, so she can maybe go for something a bit more
less austere maybe than what she had before.
Before it was a bit of a grey square.
Didn't start off grey.
Ah, yes.
Well, they have that, you know, there's those famous pictures of world leaders at the start
of the job and then at the end of the job and you see the picture of the tower, right?
Well, it's this sparkling, clean, glorious sort of thing and at the end of it, it's just
this sort of saggy grey rag.
Yeah.
Well, best of luck to you, Angler, if you're listening.
And thanks to Alan and Vanessa for coming in.
Oh, it's a pleasure.
Alan, thank you.
Best of luck with beef week and keep inflating those figures.
Oh, come now.
Always happy to help the little guy out.
Actually illegal.
We've got investors like you have, so that's fraud.
Well, I think you need to check your facts on there, as I've said before.
But it's a pleasure, as I said, to come down, help the little guy, and you've
got a lovely little studio here.
Prick.
Gosh.
Okay, and Vanessa, thank you so much for coming in.
If people would like to sign up for your newsletter, The Swineherds Daily, how would they go about
doing that?
Oh, that's very good of you.
They go to The Swineherds Daily website website and you can just type in your details there and
sign up.
And that's free?
That's five pounds a month.
What?
What?
No way.
For what?
Quality journalism, Alan.
Five quid.
Well, thanks for having me.
And Terry.
Yeah.
It's been really nice to meet you.
Oh, been loving meeting you as well, yeah.
I've actually got something with me.
We always have something lying around the office.
You might as well have these.
Here you go.
Oh, no, thank you.
Oh, cheers for that.
Oh, a lovely bag of sausages.
I tell you, you know, you're all the fast-winder, my heart.
Oh, cheers.
I'll tell you what as well, I trust you that much.
I'm even going to check out, I'm managing there now. I'll check it out and I, I trust you that much, I'm even going to check how
many's in there now, I'll check it home and I know there's going to be the right amount.
And that's good enough for me.
Well yeah, thanks for coming in Terry. Your unique take on the year's news has been refreshing.
Oh, it's been good to be here. I'd be lying if I said I knew what was going on most of
the while, but I've had a good time, I'm good to be out the house.
Good, and why don't we have a look at those sausages.
Oh right then, let's have a look.
There's five.
I knew it, I knew it.
When will you release me from this burden, Christ?
I'm sick of it!
I definitely put six in.
I'm sure you did. I'm sure you did.
It's I, you. It's him. It's God.
So that's all we've got time for this week.
If you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to the website now, where you'll
find all the usual stuff, as well as our off-topic section, where this month we put Irish singing
sensation Enya through her paces with a general knowledge
quiz.
At least we think it's Enya.
So until next time, have a very happy Beefhead, and beef out.
Thanks to Jessica Ransom, George Fouracres and Michael Clarke, and of course Linnea Sage.
Also thank you to Helen Price who co-wrote this episode. And also a recommendation from
me, Helen and Michael, who is in this episode, make a podcast called Everything is News,
which I listened to recently and just thought was brilliant. It is a parody of something you'll know about if you're British,
which is the new raft of kind of news podcasts.
I'm talking about things like the news agents and the rest is politics.
It does a great job of skewering those guys.
And in general, it's just very well made and very funny.
So yes, that's everything is news.
Give it a go. Bye.
Hey, Sydney, you're a physician and the co host of sawbones, a
meddler of misguided medicine, right? That's true, Justin. Is
it true that our medical history podcast is just as good as a
visit to your primary care position? No, Justin, that is
absolutely not true. However, our podcast is funny and
interesting and a great way to learn about the medical
misdeeds of the past as well as some current not so legit health care fads.
So you're saying that by listening to our podcast, people will feel better.
Sure. And isn't that the same reason that you go to the doctor?
Well, you could say that.
And our podcast is free.
Yes, it is free.
You heard it here first, folks.
Sawbones, Merrell Tour of Misguided Medicine right here on Maximum Fun.
Just as good as going to the doctor. No, no, Maximum Fun, just as good as going to the doctor.
No, no, no.
Still not just as good as going to the doctor, but pretty good.
It's up there.
Who guests on Jordan Jesse Goh?
I mean, we could just list Patton Oswalt, Kumail Nanjiani, Maria Bamford, whatever.
We couldn't remember all of them.
So we asked my kids.
Famous people?
How famous?
I don't know.
Pretty famous.
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a a a a Jordan Jesse Goff, a comedy show for grownups.
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