Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 23 - 75th Anniversary Special

Episode Date: May 21, 2017

It’s the Beef And Dairy Network’s 75th birthday. To celebrate, we take a look back into our archive with the help of new B&DN archivist Alex Neon. 
 By Benjamin Partridge, Gareth Gwynn, Nadia Kamil, Tom Crowley, Molly Beth White, Tom Neenan and Sarah Thom. Thanks to Mike Bubbins and Hal Lublin. 
 Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.com

Some of this episode was recorded in the pod at White City Place. The Beef and Dairy Network is sponsored by Mitchell's Farm Supplies. If it's not Mitchell's, get back in the truck. Happy 75th birthday to the network. Much can change in 75 years. Back in 1942, Mitchell's was three years old and run by Buck Mitchell, a convicted fraudster. Now 75 years later, we're run by Carson Mitchell, a man whose crimes are merely alleged. For 10% off your next order, use the code HE'SINNOCENT.

Hello, and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website and printed magazine, brought to you by Mitchells Farm Supplies. This episode is a very special one, because it's our 75th anniversary. A big thanks to everyone who came to our 75th anniversary event and also thank you to TV chef Cliff Trent-Roberts for providing the catering and more to the point, the fizzy beef wine. A few fizzy heads the next morning, I'm sure. I personally couldn't stand for two days, and was puking brown for a week. Of course, much has changed between then and now, but the network can be traced back to the 21st of May 1942, which saw the broadcast of the first episode of The Beef Front, a wartime radio broadcast on the BBC Home Service, paid for

by the Ministry of Food. At the time, it was well-loved for its practical tips about beef-related issues and its efforts to counter the poisonous propaganda that was coming out of Germany at the time, which suggested that British beef was saggy, grey and overboiled. To celebrate the anniversary, here at the network we've employed the services of archivist Alex Neon, previously of the British Museum, to put some order into the Beef and Dairy Network Archive. I spoke to him earlier this week. Hello Alex Neon, welcome to the studio. Thank you very much for having me.

Now you've been working in the archive for a couple of months. That's right, it's all part of a new policy by the network called Making Beef Digital, which is to take the old archive, which goes right, right, right back, and sort it out because, well, yeah, I've been there a couple of months and I don't mind telling you that that place is a mess. Well, management, we knew that the 75th birthday was coming up and the idea was that they wanted to look back. And they opened the door into the archive,

which is just a kind of portacabin at the back of our building here. And they couldn't actually open the door at all because it was so full of stuff. No, that's right. So all the paperwork had sort of piled up against the door and so you had to sort of force our way through. And then when we got through, what had happened was

we thought that in the archive there would be tapes and there would be papers and there would be videotape and that sort of thing. But what took us by surprise was the fact that the original team of archivists had also archived beef dishes. Physically? Physically archived beef dishes. In many ways, we do have to thank them because there are things like there are pre-war beef dishes, post-war beef dishes, the Festival of Britain's Drogonoff, all these things that we would not know exactly what they were made of and how they were done and these sort of techniques that they come and go and we hear about them. But now we can, you know, they're there for us to dig into.

How are they holding up? That is a know they're there for us to dig into how are they holding up that is a bit of a an issue for us because they put into formaldehyde into that kind of thing it is a shame that a lot of this work done by the original team a major heston was one of the first guys to really sort of see the value in archiving he was the original archivist he was the original archivist and he was ex-military and he really saw the point in alliving beef. He was the original archivist. He was the original archivist, and he was ex-military, and he really saw the point in all this, but it is a shame that his career predated Tupperware because some of that stuff is revolting.

I mean, I've heard other archivists say, our archive is a mess, but theirs doesn't include meat products. Am I right in thinking that we hadn't actually done any kind of archiving since Major Heston? He joined in 1946 and then he stayed until the mid-70s and then when he retired, no one really took over from him. Funnily enough, one of the documents that we found in the archive, one of the last documents in there, is to do with his retirement,

in which one person says, oh, he's retiring and we need to look into replacing him and someone else says, we can't. We never really paid him. So he was just doing that pro bono? He was. He was very happy to just work there. And he put his life and soul into that place. And funnily enough, very sadly, on the day that he retired

was also the day he died. And I believe he sort of archived himself. He did. He did. When he went back into the archives this year, was there evidence of him? Major Heston is writ large right the way through the archives. I don't mean in the way that things are.

Oh, personally, yeah. Physically. All over the place. Really? Yeah, terrible, terrible. And then you have to work out which bits are beef dish and what's a hand. So you've put some order back into the archive, and I believe you've found some stuff for us that is pertinent to our 75th birthday.

Oh, absolutely. We've found some great things in the archive. If you go right, right back, the Beef Front, 1942, and it's the first broadcast that's just primarily about beef. And do you think it's fair to say that the Beef and Dairy Network, as it is today, can trace everything back to that programme, the Beef Front? Yeah, you can draw a line pretty much from the Beef Front to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast. The thing that I thought was really exciting, when you came into the office and you had a big smile on your face and you said, I found something really special. And we were all really excited to

see what it is. And you brought it in with you today. And it's actually a recording of the first ever episode of the Beef Front. That's right. We found the holy grail in terms of beef audio. This is the first ever episode, quarter-inch tape, reel-to-reel. I tell you what we're going to be doing. We're going to be getting this digitised as fast as possible because these things do degrade, both due to the age of the tape and the fact that something fatty has leaked onto it.

But the important thing is that we've got it and it takes us right back to 1942 and just remember those dark days of war but great days for beef broadcasting. Luckily, the BBC have given us permission to play you the first episode of The Beef Front and what is coming up is a real treat. One little historical curio that's worth listening out for

are the carefully concealed instructions to the British military hidden in the programme. See if you can spot them. This is the BBC Home Service. Good afternoon. Welcome to this new weekly broadcast, The Beef Front, a broadcast where all those involved in the production of beef are merely interested in the consumption of God's favorite meat. My name is Millicent Ringrose,

and before the war, I was a lady of leisure, cavorting with the garden and promenading about the grounds of my country house with my falcon, Geoffrey. How I miss him. But now that so many men are away fighting Jerry, I have become a radio announcer, and it is my great privilege

to be broadcasting to you today, wherever you may be. Bomb Hamburg. There was a time when good British people would eat beef every day of the year, and twice at Christmas. Unfortunately, with so many good men overseas giving it what for to the Bosch, beef is in short supply. It has now been ten weeks since the introduction of beef rationing. You will need no reminding that there is a strict limit of one pound, three ounces of beef per person per week, an unthinkably small amount before the war. Now the British public are becoming accustomed to a life where beef is as scarce as it is delicious. That is to say, incredibly scarce. We sent our reporter, Paul Winkle,

out to the streets of London to see how people are coping. Tell me, how is the beef rationing affecting you and your family? Just terribly, absolutely terribly. I have a wonderful wife and two little children, one so little she doesn't even know the taste of beef, which as we all know is crucial to a child's development. Sometimes I wonder if she might grow up backwards you see. Backwards? Backwards indeed, and upside down, and possibly with her face on the back of her head. I heard a rumour that there's actually plenty of beef and it's all being stored over at Churchill's Bunker, and that's where all the beef is. It's piled up, piled high there. It's like six for aisle steaks and it smells like a butcher's floor there

and here we are, proper people, doing the hard work and we don't get any of the beef. We're on rationing because my brother, he's out in Africa driving a truck and his knees come off and he don't get no beef and actually I'd welcome it if a bomb were to hit Churchill's bunker because then all the steaks go over there and then we could have a state. If you ask me, well, I'm totally exhausted with this whole war and quite frankly, I just wish that sometime Hitler would just bloody get on and win it. So there we are, the irascible spirit

of the British man and woman on the street, forthright and unfazed by the strictures of wartime life. Whilst out making that report, our reporter, Paul Winkle, a conscientious objector who really is no better than the Nazis and whose cowardice makes me physically sick, met a man who has put beef to good use in protecting his family from aerial bombardment. I've been told you're using beef in an unusual way. Do tell. Oh, yes, sir. Well, we built an air raid shelter out of earth and corrugated iron, all the normal stuff,

but I've been saving up my beef rations. And what I've done is I've added a thin layer of the beef to the outer wall of the shelter. I see. And has the beef come to contact with German munitions? Oh, only last night, sir, yeah. We were rightly scared, weren't we? Oh, only last night, so yeah. We were rightly scared, weren't we? Oh, terrified, yeah. Oh, blimey scared. But when we came out this morning, we found our house had been completely destroyed by a German doodle bug. But it was rightly comforting, it was, to be able to eat that freshly cooked beef that had been cooked by the bomb blast. Lovely meat, wasn't it? A lovely meat, wasn't it? Very tender.

Oh, wasn't it tasty? Very tender. Takes your mind off it, doesn't it? That your whole life's been flattened. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Lovely meat, though, eh? Lovely, lovely, lovely meat. Have you used a layer of beef to sure up the structural integrity of your air raid shelter? Do you enjoy juicy cuts of meat cooked to perfection by German munitions

pouring down from the sky like terrible metal rain? If so, why not send us a letter to the Beef Front, BBC Broadcasting House? Now follows an address by the Prime Minister, Winston Churchill. As I receive the daily news of losses, it is easy to begin to question the object of this terrible war. And as I send thousands of brave men into conflict, it is my duty to remember the reason that they go. And as you at home continue to contribute to the war effort, it is important that you remember the reason why you do. And the reason is beef.

The hot beef of freedom. The Nazi has no respect for beef. Beef sits down at the end of the long day and lusts not for beef, but for a stinking and hateful pork sausage. The fascist does not rejoice at the sight of beef. He abhors it. It is for this reason that we will never surrender. Nothing will blunt our enthusiasm to protect this island and our empire. Our empire on which the sun never sets. Our empire of beef. Renew the bombardment of Malta.

More from the beef front after this. I'm Bez. And I'm Teresa. And we host the weekly comedy podcast One Bad Mother. We celebrate our moments of parenting genius. As well as our failures. Just like, we're going to have hot dogs. And I'm like, no, we're having fun.

Everybody loves hot dogs. And it just smashes that, we're having fun. Everybody loves hot dogs. Yeah. And it just like smashes that thing right on my chest. And then I'm just crying in the middle of like kids space while people are like literally dancing with their children. Parenting can be sad and painfully funny at the same time. So join us each week as we admit that this is hard, but we're getting really good at it.

Find us at MaximumFun.org or wherever you download podcasts. Let me ask you a question. Are you missing the taste of beef? I know that I eat my beef ration as soon as I receive it, often guzzling it raw from the paper like an animal, like a starved puma, like a frenzied piranha, like a pack of wild dogs. If you are missing the sweet taste of a cow's flesh, fear not,

as the beef front has all the information you need to create your own ersatz beef substitute. All you will need is six carrots, a turnip, a lump of coal, a box of sawdust or wood chippings, and an old pair of trousers. Simply chop the carrots into small pieces and grate the turnip lovingly over the carrot pieces. Then leave to soak in a bowl of water with the lump of coal and the sawdust. Then take the trousers, tie knots in each leg, and pour the carrot, turnip, coal, and sawdust mixture into both trouser legs.

Next, bury the trousers in your garden for three or four nights, retrieving when the earth at the surface begins to crack. Fry the resulting ersatz beefsteak over a higher heat, searing the trousers and releasing the natural moisture in the sawdust. Before long, you'll be tucking into a hearty beef meal. Delicious. Send four destroyers to the Tunisian coast. Next, the Beef News Burritin.

But first, a look ahead to this afternoon's light entertainment. A new comedy by writers Alan and McCaffrey. Their new series is called Butcher's Dozen. Ethel! Ethel? Yes, dear? What's this? Oh, I got you what you wanted, darling. It took me an age to pluck up the courage to steal that reptile.

I said I wanted a sirloin steak, not a purloin snake. LAUGHTER a purloined snake. That's Butcher's Dozen, this afternoon at five o'clock. Straight after, popular tunes for working children at a quarter past four. Now follows a quick beef news bulletin. The Soviet Union has run

out of beef. Beef stocks were running perilously low after the cold winter, but a reported army uniform order from Stalin himself has depleted stocks to zero. It is his wish that by June, every soldier on the Eastern Front will receive a beef hat. Since the Americans joined the war in Europe, there has been a steady influx of American GIs into Britain, and with it, their easy charm, homey appeal, and steady supply of corned beef. Since the beginning of the year, we have heard report after report of GIs beguiling British women with their trademark salty humour, and then exchanging tins of corned beef for sexual services. and then exchanging tins of corned beef for sexual services.

To help the women of Britain, we have assembled this quick guide to American GI language so that you can understand what they are proposing and maybe preserve your innocence. What say you and me take the slow train to Coochie Coochieville? Would you like to have sexual intercourse? Hey, baby, why don't we jitterbug along the boardwalk to the Jive Palace? Let us engage in sexual dancing, followed by sexual intercourse. How's about we sink a couple of cold ones, find some place quiet, and do the hot petunias? cold ones, find someplace quiet, and do the hot petunias. I suggest that we drink alcohol, retire to a secluded area, and engage in sexual intercourse. Shuffling Omaha. Sexual intercourse.

The rinky-dink rink-a-ronk. Sexual intercourse. The old Roosevelt bear shoot. Sexual intercourse. Hey, sweets. What say you and me grab a couple of frosted milkshakes and spread the gospel fenderside? Let us become giddy on special milkshakes and then engage in sexual intercourse behind a vehicle. Remember this, ladies. They may be attractive with their corned beef and milkshakes, but your men are in France, fighting for your freedom. The last thing they need is to find out you've been bending over for every hank, buck or marty.

And Johnny, if you're listening, I'll meet you under Waterloo Bridge tonight at 7 o'clock, and I'll let you do anything. If you can get me a second can of corned beef for Geoffrey, my dear Falcon, I shan't blush. I shan't. And finally, intelligence coming from covert operations behind enemy lines suggests that the Nazis are currently conducting scientific research into the existence of a category of meat outside of the orthodox categories of beef, lamb, chicken and the contested category of pork.

Operation FUNF FLEISH aims to determine the origins of a so-called fifth... And that is where the tape ends. That's the first Beef Front broadcast. But that's not the end of the programme, is it? So that's the first Beef Front broadcast. But that's not the end of the programme, is it? That's, so that's the end

of that episode. The bomb was dropped on the studio killing Millicent and everyone, everyone present. And, yeah,

that's the first edition. It's sad that she only got to do that once. I will be honest, some of the shine has been taken off Millicent's achievements when it was later discovered that she was a Nazi spy.

That sort of thing really... So it was actually a bit of a stroke of luck. Yeah, it's a shame because great broadcasting career, but this was all about getting meat-based secrets to the Nazis. She was party to all kinds of information, and frankly, 75 years later, I'm glad she's dead. Thanks to Alex Neon for all the work he's been doing and for finding that historical gem.

After the interview, he took me into the archive to see the mortal remains of Major Heston, who is by now just a skeleton in full military uniform, covered in dried gravy, with a bird living in his skull. The very picture of dignity. No doubt we'll hear more from Alex in the future about what he can unearth in the archives. In two months alone, he's already found that first recording of the beef front, a rare live World War II beef grenade, and a beef dish that we had hitherto thought lost to history,

spicy beef sheets. So that's all we've got time for this month. But if you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to the website now where you can read all the usual stuff, as well as our off-topic section, where this month we ask whether drinking seawater can make you more powerful than you ever thought possible.

So until next time, beef out. Thanks to Gareth Gwynne, Nadia Kamal, Tom Crowley, Tom Neenan, Molly Beth White, Sarah Tom, Mike Bubbins and Hal Lublin. We shall never stop eating beef, whatever the cost may be. We shall eat beef on the beaches. We shall eat beef on the landing grounds.

We shall eat beef on the fields and in the streets. We shall eat beef on the hills. We shall never surrender. Hey MaxFun community. This is your friend Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love, and a bunch of other stuff. I am a longtime member, supporter, and devoted follower of Maximum Fun. And now finally I have my own podcast on the network. It's called Magic Lessons.

And it is me coaching people through their creative issues and problems. This season, we have some amazing creators that we're helping through their joys and struggles of making something out of nothing. And then I bring in special guests like Glennon Doyle Melton, Brandon Stanton, Martha Beck, the poet Mark Nepo, Michael Ian Black, Sarah Jones, Gary Sheingart, these amazing friends of mine to come and help coach these people so that they can get their work done. I hope you'll tune into it. It's called Magic Lessons, and it's all about love.