Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 32 - Redeeming Eli, Part 2

Episode Date: February 26, 2018

The second in a new mini-series from the Beef And Dairy Network.   “Why would a man from the south of Wales in his sixties come all the way to London with nothing but a train ticket and a lump hammer to kill a perfect stranger?”   By Benjamin Partridge, Mike Bubbins, Ed Gamble, Mike Wozniak, Gemma Arrowsmith, Tom Crowley, Sian Harries, Tom Neenan and Rhodri Viney.

Support for Redeeming Eli comes from the Buck P. Mitchell Foundation, efficiently avoiding tax since 1974. Animals are, on the whole, very predictable. They are, like us, creatures of habit, and over time humankind has learned what each kind of animal will do in any given situation. Fire a rifle at an elephant and it will charge you with ferocious pace. Fire a rifle at an elephant and it will charge you with ferocious pace. Play a recording of an eagle to a monkey and it will call out to let other monkeys nearby know of the danger. Put a jellyfish in a bath of warm tomato soup and it will quietly and politely die. When animals are newly caged, they tend to do one of two things.

They either react violently, clawing, snarling, trying to get out, or they seem to give up, becoming sullen, gloomy, resigned. But sometimes, and we don't know why, a caged animal will act in a completely different way, in a way that we can't predict. And it is then, even when under lock and key, that the animal has the upper hand. Eli Roberts is one of the most complicated psychological enigmas I've ever come across in my entire career. When I sat down in the gallery to watch his trial,

little did I know that I would soon be witnessing the most fascinating trial in human history. Why would a man from the south of Wales in his 60s come all the way to London with nothing but a train ticket and a lump hammer to kill a perfect stranger? From the Beef and Dairy Network, this is Redeeming Eli, part two. This is the news at 10 o'clock. A 62-year-old former slaughterhouse owner has been charged with the murder of a 35-year-old man on London's Oxford Street. It is alleged that Eli Roberts travelled to London on the day of the attack and repeatedly beat the victim with a lump hammer in full view of hundreds of shoppers. The German Chancellor Angela Merkel has used her new towel for the

first time, hailing it as a great success. She took the towel to her local swimming baths where she completed... The Eli Roberts lump hammer murder shocked the nation, but I wasn't surprised. It was clear to me, after my time spent in Llancaig, that he had probably murdered a number of people there, possibly including his own father. The fact that he'd never been arrested before was testament to his level of control over every aspect of life in the village. In fact, my only interaction with a policeman in Llancaig

was when an officer reminded me not to stand with my back to the statue of Eli. However, hundreds of miles away from Llancaig in London, and in the eyes of London's Metropolitan Police, Eli was just a regular guy. A regular guy wearing bloodied overalls and carrying a lump hammer. The facts of the incident are as follows. Eli arrived at London Pannington train station at 11.41, from where he took the Underground on the Bakerloo line to Oxford Circus,

leaving the Underground station at 3 minutes past 12. By 5 minutes past 12, the victim was dead. And it didn't end there. Apprehending the suspect was nightmarish. Detective Chief Inspector

Dexter Whatley was the senior investigative officer in the Eli Roberts murder inquiry. The police doctor who examined him after he was in custody found at least 24 taser prick marks in his skin, which is, I believe, a record. One of the constables who was on site at the time remembered and told me,

seeing the taser pinpricks flying from his taser into the skin of Eli Roberts, hearing the crackle of his taser and many other tasers, and there just being no apparent effect other than to further infuriate Eli Roberts, who was planted on his feet, shouting, is that all you've got? Slam my balls in a microwave, for all I care. Other quotes, I mean, I've removed some of the salty language from that, as you can imagine. At least three truncheons were snapped on impact with his thighs, I believe. And in the end, they had to really go off the beaten track to apprehend him. And a group of officers went to the roof of a nearby department store and ended up pushing off a large metal bin and that subdued

him. Once he had been charged, Eli was handed over for assessment by a team of psychologists and psychiatrists. The team was headed up by TV doctor Dr Sam Archer, most famous for Boobsy 2's An Apple a Day and Channel 4's Friday Night X-Ray, What's Up Your Ass edition. When someone is facing trial, our job is to see whether or not they're fit to face trial technically and criminally, whether they are considered insane, whether they can be held responsible for the crimes and the acts that they committed. Because if somebody isn't sane, they can't be held accountable for their own actions in the same way that, say, your eye can. Dr Archer explained that those facing trial are assessed on a scale called the Trenumar scale. The Trenumar scale is a scale from one to ten of people's ability to understand the impact of

their actions in the real world and that their actions have consequences. So at the very bottom you have one on the Trenumar scale and that is people who have no idea that their actions have consequences. So toddlers, Liam Neeson and creatures like cats. And then at 10, you have people who are acutely aware of every single one of their actions and how those affect other people. So creatures such as nervous birds. Most people sort of hover around the seven and a half, eight on the scale, and anyone below three we consider unviable to stand trial because the level of empathy that they exhibit is about the same level as plankton. Eli was tested on the Trenumma scale and the results were, to me at least, surprising. So I've actually got Eli's

results here and what we found incredibly surprising was he's very high on the scale. He's, I'd say, almost a nine and a half. He's a man who is so profoundly aware of what he's doing and how his actions have consequences. And from this, what we have to conclude is that he just does not give a shit. So I suppose this just shows us the very thin line that exists between someone being criminally insane and someone just being an absolute bastard. Eli was declared fit to stand trial, and members of his cult, the Church of Eli, hired one of the UK's top criminal barristers to defend him. Hello, I'm Penny Egremont, and I'm a barrister.

Penny Egremont has defended some of the most notorious defendants of recent times. Johnny the Hat, Big Bad Mickey Fingers, Chainsaw Sam, and of course the Christmas Tree Murderer, Steve the Christmas Tree Murderer Jones. I think I'm attracted to getting bad people off because, I mean, it's a challenge isn't it? Innocent people are easy to get off because they're innocent.

It's the ones that are clearly guilty and I cannot stress that up to this point it was so clear that he was guilty. It was Oxford Circus. There were like nine CCTV cameras trained on this point. So we had the attack from multiple angles. It was a dead cert. He did it.

And that's why I thought, right, this man is going to walk free because Penny's on the case. Someone else that Eli came into contact with before his trial was Philip Seastrom. Philip has appeared on the Beef and Dairy Network before, first telling us about his time at the Food Standards Agency when he closed down Eli's slaughterhouse. I was so disgusted by what I saw. I actually made the quite rare decision that I've never made in my career before to burn the slaughterhouse to the ground.

And then telling us about his job at animal welfare with whom he raided eli's mosquito-based theme park we uh we kicked down the door there he was i did not expect him to be fully naked and as if that wasn't enough uh once you sort of tear your eyes away from the from the junk uh and look down at his hand, he was holding what I can only describe as a sword. Penny Egremont had asked Eli if he knew of anyone who could provide a positive character witness during the trial. Eli named Philip and asked that Penny invite him to speak with him in his cell. When I arrived, it was actually a scene quite reminiscent of Silence of the Lambs,

of him in his cell. When I arrived, it was actually a scene quite reminiscent of Silence of the Lambs, which I later found out made sense because the Amateur Dramatic Society at the police station had recently done a production of Silence of the Lambs, and they had a bit of overspill in the prison, and they are actually housing Eli in one of the sets, the big glass box from Silence of the Lambs. There are a few props knocking around. He was actually wearing Hannibal Lecter's jumpsuit at the time, which I'm sure it looked very authentic for the production. It was rather too small for him and did not leave a lot to the imagination. I mean, he did not seem as aggressive as I've encountered him before.

He was actually very friendly to me. And essentially he asked me to be a character witness for him in the murder case. And I said, are you absolutely mad? Do you not remember our history? And he looked me right in the eye, I'll never forget that, and he said, that was all just banter, wasn't it? And that man has absolutely no concept of what banter means.

Because he was perpetrating horrific illegal acts and I was shutting him down. And he said, no, we're two sides of the same coin. We're like Batman and Joker, you and I. Now, I have not seen Batman. I'm not quite sure what Batman is but I'm assuming that there's a man who owns a lot of bats and Joker is probably the funny one maybe his his funny friend it's probably a sitcom from the 70s or something so I can't really comment as to whether we are like Batman and Joker but I just said well i can't be a character witness i consider your character to be dirt and he laughed and said oh what a wonderful banter so you don't know what that word means

so do you think that he thinks that you're friends the truly sad thing about it i could see in his eyes he genuinely thought we were friends and he got me to thinking maybe that's the closest thing to a friend he's ever had you know what in that moment I actually I actually started to warm to him against my better judgment I saw those big eyes got absolutely massive eyes sort of glassy with tears you know I feel like I could warm to you. He's a dangerous creature. But in that moment was quite vulnerable. Like a hippo with a bonnet on. Hippos are quite dangerous creatures,

the most dangerous animal in Africa. But I imagine if you put a bonnet on one, it would look quite nice. You could take it to church and people wouldn't bat an eyelid. Until you got in the way of the hippo and the font. If you get between a hippo and water, then it will charge you and absolutely crush you to pulp. So that's what he reminded me of. The cordial atmosphere between the pair didn't last for long.

Soon, Eli was overcome with rage. And next thing you know, he's smashing on the window of the cell. Now, I'm sure if that cell was real, that would have held him. But unfortunately, it was a prop from an amateur dramatics production. So it split immediately on the first thump. He came herring through smashed through he nearly got to me and then a couple of officers came in with tranquilizer darts and just peppered him with tranquilizer darts but it didn't do anything i think normally takes one one per human i think is the rule and they had to start a new box he was covered in them and he

was laughing he was plucking them out he was squeezing them into his mouth drinking the tranquilizer juice eventually his mouth started to go numb from the juice but he didn't seem to mind he was still just about to make out he's going hello you've got is that is that all you've got he was saying you know and eventually he was completely covered in these in these darts all these needles sticking in him like a reverse porcupine and he he took a tumble but he was smiling he was still smiling when he went down. Back in Llancaig, the news of Eli's arrest was greeted with huge relief. Branwen Vaughan was born in Llancaig and has lived there all of her life.

She told me about when she first heard that Eli had been arrested. Well, I was just walking home from town, you know, and know and I heard you know everyone in the streets were talking about it and people were weeping and I thought oh gosh what's happened and yeah it turned out he'd been arrested. Eli had been arrested in London and we were all totally shocked obviously. We had a massive party. So you say there were people crying. Were they crying with sadness or with happiness? Oh, absolute joy. I've never seen my own mother cry, but she was crying. My father was crying. The dog. Everyone. The party lasted the best part of a week. The atmosphere was electric. A man came up to me, kissed me hard on the mouth. That's the best fun I've had in years.

And we all went, we all went up to his house, Eli's house. All of us now, holding hands, singing, children everywhere, all of us having a brilliant time. Someone brought out a tub of ice cream. We were having a fantastic time. There was a balloon. It was just wonderful. At the end of the week of partying, the mood turned from celebration and took on a more sombre tone,

as the village reflected on what they'd endured for so many years. A group of men who had been forced to work at Eli's slaughterhouse walked up the hill to Eli's home and toppled his huge brass statue. Then, with a quiet dignity, the village's several hundred unemployed candle makers set about making a giant candle, the biggest ever made in Llancaig, as a sign of the village's liberation. Half a mile high and as wide as a house, it is the second biggest candle on earth, behind the one Elton John commissioned by mistake when he mixed up metres and inches. It's there to remember and to commemorate everyone who put up with his darkness for so long. It's quite hot actually. Most people have to be, you know, topless.

When we go down to the centre, most people do have to be... Well, I'm topless now, but, you know, it just helps with the heat. This is the news at 10 o'clock. The victim in the Oxford Circus Lumphammer murder has been named as Peter Cranach, a 34-year-old office administrator from Crystal Palace in South London. Eli's victim, John Craddock, had been browsing the department stores on Oxford Street looking for some new pillows. He had no idea how his existing pillows had got so weird and yellow,

but they just had. That's what happens to them, and no one knows why. It had been a successful trip. He had just purchased a pair of ultra-firm orthopaedic deluxe edition Hungarian goose-down pillows, pillows that he would sadly never get the opportunity to use. He was hit with a hammer over 100 times. I've run 18 murder inquiries in my time at the Met. I've never had to ask the forensic team to deploy a snow shovel to get the body off the crime scene. And I mean, I know for a fact that the morgue that we use have never seen a body bag so flat. They thought there'd been a mistake. They thought the body hadn't been brought in yet until they unzipped it and sort of pieced it.

Pieced it, or kneaded it back together, I think, really, rather than pieced it. They sort of reshaped it like a putty. DCI Whatley told me that there are two kinds of murder case. The first is who done it, and that's straightforward for the investigating officer. You know where you're at with that. The other type, which is this type, is why done it. The police weren't sure why Eli chose to hit Mr Craddock. Eli certainly wasn't going to tell them.

Their leading theory was that because Eli had rarely left his home valley and certainly hadn't been to a city the size of London before, the effect of suddenly being surrounded by hundreds of people was that he experienced a profound lack of control, which led him to lash out mindlessly. Another theory is simply that he looked a bit like me. This is the news at 10 o'clock. The trial of a 62-year-old former slaughterhouse owner accused of murder began today at the Old Bailey. The trial began on the 3rd of November last year.

Here in the UK, and like in many other countries, broadcasting footage or recordings of a criminal trial is prohibited by law. The story of the trial will be told by those who were there. It's the first day of the trial. I gather my papers. The judge makes his opening remarks. And I stand up to make my opening statement. But I barely got a sentence out. And Eli stands up and he he points across at me

and I look round and know he is pointing at me and he says I wish to sack my entire defence team. Eli was going to fly solo. I stayed in the public gallery and he went on to defend himself and it was either complete silence when he was being cross-examined or there were these long rambling monologues about nothing about you know his father and um pigs he slaughtered 20 years ago odd and you know the judge kept having to say sorry can we can we pull it back to this attack on Oxford Circus? And he would say, I'm getting to that, I'm getting to that. And he never would get to that.

He felt he could defend himself and it was... I don't use words like this lightly, it was a shit show. Despite turning down the request to be a character witness for Eli, Philip Seastrom attended the trial out of sheer curiosity. I've never seen anyone have such disrespect for the legal system as Eli Roberts did during that case. He refused to answer questions for a long time, which really scuppers the whole day.

He did everything that he could to put off the judge and the jury, repeating everything that the judge said, under his breath in a slightly higher voice. At one point he slowly removed his top whilst never breaking eye contact with the judge. He pretended to be asleep. He may well have been asleep. That's how relaxed he was.

And you know, eventually, after a couple of days of this, people began to look forward to it. What's he going to do he was a rock and roll defendant every single day of the trial he wore a different wig and given that he was his own barrister you could see the angle he was going for

I don't know how the hell he got hold of a different wig every single day but it made such a mockery of the ceremony, of the process, that you started to wonder, where am I? What is this? He got to all of us. The moment I realised that Eli was in control of the courtroom was when he successfully initiated a Mexican wave. All the way around the court, twice, I joined in,

despite my better judgment. The judge was up, wig nearly came off. You can't deny the power of a Mexican wave. And you can't deny the power of Eli Roberts. What a performer. When I had to go to the stand and give evidence and the prosecuting barrister was interviewing me, I mean, from the get-go. Eli wanted to take control again. And he took his trousers off to intimidate me. And it was effective. You know, he's a big man. He's 18 stone.

He's already got his top off. He's in the middle of a courtroom. He takes his trousers off. He stands on his chair, right? What's not intimidating about that? You could see the jurors rolling their eyes and he was winning them over. They felt like they were in some absurd

theatre piece and you had to wonder, you know, is he going to bring down the English legal system? Branwen Vaughan travelled all the way from Clankig to watch the trial. The court case lasted a good few weeks and, well and because I'd never been in London before I didn't realise how expensive it was and I did end up spending quite a lot of money I was going to a musical every day and those little tubs of ice cream are very expensive I was living in a penthouse suite

which was inappropriate really looking back Yes, I'm in rather a lot of debt now but it was worth it at the time. London is wonderful. I mean, what a magical place. The only negative I would say is Madame Tussauds, have you been there? It's terrible.

I mean, I've never seen such a lack of respect for wax. I mean, why would you build a life-size model of Macaulay Culkin when you could use that wax to build a massive candle? More after this. waiting and waiting for the right people to see it. ZipRecruiter revolutionized hiring. Their technology finds great candidates for you. It learns what you're looking for, identifies people with the right experience, and invites them to apply for your job. Right now, network members can try it for free at ziprecruiter.com slash beef. That's ziprecruiter.com slash beef. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. And that address wants more. ZipRecruiter.com slash beef. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. And that address wants more. ZipRecruiter.com

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Slash Beef. I'm slash beef. What's that mean? ZipRecruiter.com slash beef. This is the news at 10 o'clock. Today at the trial of the so-called lump hammer murderer Eli Roberts, the jury was shown CCTV footage of the attack. Many jurors and those attending the trial in the public gallery vomited heartily. The moment in the trial where I knew all was lost was a particular piece of evidence. It was when they showed the CCTV footage of the actual attack and it's Oxford Circus so there are eight or nine cameras trained on that that one spot. The overriding thing that we all took from the video was that he was 100% guilty. There was no way it could have been anyone else. I have never seen CCTV footage with such clarity.

Perfect. Almost like it was shot on professional equipment. It was zooming in. Big swooping angles. Like the beginning of a film. People in the public gallery were throwing up. They were groaning. it was gruesome. It zoomed right in on his face at one point, a perfect frame of his face.

There he was, Eli Roberts, and he looked, he looked directly down the camera like he knew it was there. And in case there was any ambiguity, in the video he then shouts, My name is Eli Roberts. You wonder why we've been in the court for this long anyway. Why not open with that video? That is him confessing to it while he's doing it. So at that point, I thought, bang to rights. Whoever had edited together all of these different shots for the courtroom did a great job.

They really took it on a step, actually, because they'd added a score. I was later informed that it was the same person who played piano for the Silence of the Lambs musical. It was perfect. It was actually, the music swelled throughout as it reached the crescendo of the pulping. They put a lot of work into the editing of the CCTV footage

and there was actually, after the footage was shown, there was a small Q&A with the director. So people in the court got to ask questions about the making of the film and where they got the inspiration from and how it was all edited together. Lovely young PC called Todd was taking the questions. Very enthusiastic young man.

Talks about the section in the CCTV footage where it went black and white, but there was still some red blood. He called it his Schindler's List moment. I don't think a short film like that has ever been in contention for an Academy Award, but why not put it forward? Why not?

I think it would do really well. It deserves to win something. Todd, as it turns out, is quite a busy busy man he's collected all the speed camera footage from the m4 and he's putting together a little film of of crashes and speeding cars and things like that good luck to him and also he's got a short film coming up that he's doing with zach braff it's a bittersweet romantic thing nothing sound like my sort of thing but good luck to him the cctv footage seemed to incriminate eli absolutely but he remained oddly self-confident and calm until the prosecution mentioned something to him that changed his mood entirely the prosecuting barrister asks about his mother.

Now, even before he reached the end of the word mother, Eli was out of his seat and pounced on the man. Any humanity drained from his eyes. He just became a machine. He yanks his wig off, the solicitor turns around, he slaps him on the face with his false hair, and then he punches him square in the mouth. He goes flying and all hell breaks loose. Four or five officers burst in through the doors with tranquiliser guns and more darts than before somehow. Absolutely covered him in darts, yet again peppered.

But I knew what to expect this time. He was not going down without a fight. He pulled down his trousers and pants and presented his rear and said, here's something to aim at, you bastards. And they proceeded to fire into his rear for what felt like 10 or 11 minutes. Constant rapid fire of tranquiliser darts. But it was almost pointless by the end

because there was no skin to be seen. It was just the darts were going into the darts and more darts were going into there and he was just laughing and laughing. Throughout the trial, Eli was largely quiet. He refused to answer any questions and any time he did speak, it was in order to make a mockery of the process. But then, on day 15 of the trial, something changed. There was a very odd moment when he sort of dropped to his knees

and first of all let out a wail and then started reciting names. And at first it isn't clear what the names are exactly. They're just names that he's screaming. I must stress, this went on for hours. In amongst all the human-sounding names, there are also names that could belong to an animal. So for every Simon, there's a Flossie. It was then we realised it sort of slowly clicked with everyone that he was naming every animal he'd killed and you know he works in a slaughterhouse

for decades so that's that's a lot of animals and how sinister is it that he'd remembered all their names. Something clearly was happening to him that day but it was once again it was absolutely compelling to watch just a man on his knees his arms raised saying you know mfanwi george colin binky mr middles um dennis Dennis Blackie Armando Old Spoiler Spikey Flopsy Doris Tootsie Tootsie 2 Finbar

Arthur Llewellyn Jacob Whiskey Snowy Dennis again Paul Stephen

Colin Molly Chris Davina Timothy Prateek Lance David

Fiona Geoffrey Audrey Francisco Ollie Bella Olivia Prateek. Lance. David. Fiona. Geoffrey. Audrey. Francisco. Ollie. Bella. Olivia.

Skinner. Monty. Casper. Di. I think there is a conscience in there. Audrey. And this was a way of releasing a valve, maybe. We all just sat there and listened to him recounting the names of every single one of these animals.

Stephanie. It was one of the every single one of these animals. Stephanie. It was one of the most profound moments of my life. Something was happening to him. Jim. He was maybe regaining his humanity in some way. Jack. But just to sit there and to hear him recounting them was incredible. Leslie.

Gandalf. That was a guinea pig. The plan was, because the people of Llancaig don't have mainstream media, because Eli has interfered with the aerials and the phone signals, so you cannot get mainstream news in Llancaig. So the plan was that I, every evening, would go to a kiosk or phone booth and phone the local vicar. And then the local vicar would report to everyone everything that was going on in the court case. And of course, unfortunately, I was having a very good time in the big smoke.

So what would happen, it started off lots of phone calls going back and forth. But after about a week, that petered out. batted off, lots of phone calls going back and forth. But after about a week, that petered out. And what ended up happening was people from the village got very, very, very concerned. And they all drove up to London to see if I was all right. I was fine, but I had been overdoing it. I was hanging out with Sarah Ferguson, lovely woman, very good at bridge. And she was so kind, she introduced me to her ex-husband, Prince Andrew. Not for long. You know, he's not a man of many words. He was doing a jigsaw, actually, and quite a big one as well. He'd been at it for a few weeks, he said. And then he asked

me to leave because I was just staring. Yes. So everything was fine in the end and I was in good company. This is the news at ten o'clock. The trial of former slaughter man Eli Roberts for the murder of Peter Cranach continues at the Old Bailey. The prosecution has concluded presenting its evidence and today the defence will begin to make its case. Roberts, who has refused to answer any questions so far, is representing himself.

To be honest, he sounds like a right wrong-un to me. Angela Merkel has lent her new towel to the French President Emmanuel Macron, who plans to take it to the beach next week. Mr Macron, who owns a number of towels... Throughout the trial, Eli was largely quiet. He refused to answer any questions, and any time he did speak,

it was in order to make a mockery of the process. But then, on day 15 of the trial, something changed. The prosecution had finished their cross-examination of Eli, and it was a mess, a complete mess. And then came the time for Eli to call his own witnesses. We did not think that that was going to happen. That was academic.

There's no point in him calling witnesses because we've just seen a footage of him look down a camera and shout, I'm Eli Roberts, while he's committing the crime. He calls a witness to the stand. And the witness he calls is Eli Roberts. We all think, what's he talking about? He's gone mad. But then... Like something from a film, the doors of the courtroom swing open. They slam against the walls.

Bang, bang. We all look down. A spotlight swung round and focused on the door. Now, this is the first time I was aware that there was a spotlight in the courtroom. Dry ice. I've never seen anything like it. Dry ice fills the courtroom.

There's a throbbing rock track. One of my sergeants told me that he believed it was an ACDC. I don't really know. I'm more of a sort of folk guy myself. Billowing dry ice coming through the door. Sort of lasers. Laser show. Different coloured lasers.

I thought Todd's probably had a hand in this. Standing there was a mirror image of Eli. In fact, at first I thought it was a mirror. And in walks this other Eli Roberts. And no one could quite believe it. He's dressed in exactly the same trousers, also bare chested, same moustache, same haircut. Everything is the same. It must be a twin brother. It must be.

And the courtroom goes wild. It was pandemonium in the courtroom. I mean, people were losing it. People were shouting, throwing things. Sarah Ferguson spat next to her. Prince Andrew, he's still doing his puzzle. He looks up. Oh, my gosh. I mean, the whole place was an absolute...

It was like a zoo. Crazy. Not only does he have a twin brother, he has a twin brother whose name is Eli Roberts. Both called Eli. Eli is two people. So from then on, no one could prove whether that footage was him or the other man. And I know for a fact that every other piece of evidence is going to fall to pieces. Even the DNA. They're identical twins. They've got the same DNA.

And then Eli turned to the judge, our Eli, first Eli, turned to the judge and said, how can you say that it was me who did this when there is another man out there called Eli Roberts who looks exactly like me? What's to say it wasn't him? The case is... buggered.

So it's no surprise when the jury return a not guilty verdict. This is the news at 10 o'clock. After deliberating for only four minutes, the jury at the Oxford Circus Lumphammer murder trial at the Old Bailey have found the defendant, Eli Roberts, not guilty. In a statement, the family of the victim, Peter Craddock, called the trial an absolute farce and described Roberts as an absolute bastard. Eli was not guilty. Of murder, at least. He didn't walk free. He was kept in custody and later convicted of assault for punching the barrister. So he is in prison. He'll be out in six months. And when I

say that Eli is in prison, it's more accurate to say that Anne Eli is in prison. Strictly speaking, you'd call him a twin brother, but I think it's probably better to think of it as these two people are Eli Roberts. There are two people who is one man. And you never really know which of those you were speaking to. I mean, you've interviewed him in the past, I know. It could have been either of those two men you were talking to. You know, a lot of people, I think, on your program have said, you never know which Eli you were going to get, meaning it in a sort of figurative sense, but they were speaking more literally than they realised, I think, at the time. Back in Llancaig, we had always said,

it's like Eli can be in two different places at once. I mean, he's always there. You're doing something, poof, he appears behind you. Terrifying man, terrifying, omnipresent, like some kind of god. And now it made sense. Obviously now the case is over, the body has been released to the family. I mean, that was pretty distressing. For them, it's not an open casket affair. The body ended up having to be poured, for want of a better expression, into one of those, well the only thing they could find really was

one of those tubes you put tennis balls in. Hello, ma'am. All right, this is Eli. Yes, I'm very well, thank you, mother. Yes, yes. Right. Right, now they're looking the other way. Don't listen to me, you little shit.

Yes, I get one phone call a week and you're it. Don't think I don't know you're behind this. I like it. I'm keeping my voice down a bit because people are watching me, but listen to me now. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. I ain't that bad a star in self-defense.

Right? You can accuse me of the most heinous claims. And now, the persuasion, having got a leader for their flock, my dear mother, is having a friend for herself. I'm coming to get you. Look over your shoulder. You were sniffering through through the shit I've been here

in this this pipe is dead this dead of iniquity with lawbreakers and common criminals people who've who've robbed and killed and all you've ever done is try to live a good life

let me tell you something. The moment I get out of here, oh, I'm going to take you up to the woods. Yes, where my dad, old Russian Mickey, went for a little walk all those years ago. I know you.

Think on me. Think on me my friend. This is the news at 10 o'clock. Roger Viney. This is the news at 10 o'clock. The French President Emmanuel Macron has lost Angela Merkel's new towel. He was wearing it around his waist at the beach, and whilst bending over to look in a rock pool, a gust of wind took the towel away, carrying it far out to sea. Mrs Merkel was tearful as she told a press conference that although she had only had the towel for a few weeks, she had established a deep bond that will never be broken. In a world dominated by dude-bro movie podcasts,

a world where Casey Affleck has an Oscar and Angela Bassett does not, only one podcast is brave enough to call bulls**t. Who shot ya? With Ricky Carmona. A lot of people don't know, Porgs, Puerto Rican. Alonzo Duralde. I would eat oak jaw. April Wolf.

I want to interrupt and say that the fish man was real sexy. Drea Clark. I have a real soft spot for King Kong. And women of color. I was like, damn! Brian Coogler got Final Cut! Coogler got Final Cut! I just felt like the film was so sour and so

completely irrelevant to basically anything in life. Who Shot Ya? Listen every Friday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, Biz. Have you seen any good movies lately? Hey, Teresa.

Does Curious George's BooFest count? It doesn't. Well, I blame my current life situation that has small children that need things. God, I love them. And I miss knowing about stuff. Well, after catching up on the current cultural offerings on podcasts that provide such information, join us on One Bad Mother as we help explore the harsh realities of sweeping self-identity changes

as we try to find ourselves between our pre- and post-kid selves. I used to like all the things! Download One Bad Mother on MaximumFun.org, our Apple podcast. And yes, there will be swears. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture artist owned listener supported