Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 33 - Redeeming Eli, Part 3

Episode Date: April 6, 2018

The final part of our Redeeming Eli mini-series.   "Is he talced?"   By Benjamin Partridge and Mike Bubbins. Thanks to Tom Crowley.   #maxfundrive maximumfun.org/donate   Music credit: Oh Holy Night Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

Support for Redeeming Eli comes from the Buck P. Mitchell Foundation, efficiently avoiding tax since 1974. Previously on Redeeming Eli... Slam my balls in a microwave. Toddlers, Liam Neeson. There's a man who owns a lot of bats. A man came up to me, kissed me hard on the mouth. Like a hippo with a bonnet on.

A gust of wind took the towel away, carrying it far out to sea. And also he's got a short film coming up that he's doing with Zach Braff. Lovely woman, very good at bridge. George, the large metal bin. Many things separate man from beast. Our complex language, our ability to empathise with others

outside of our immediate family, the way that one of us one day invented the bowl. Of course, some animals seem closer to us than others, like those chimpanzees that smoke, but even they chuck their shit about and would tear off your jaw for a handful of bananas. The big difference between man and beast? Fire. Even a smoking chimp has to ask a human to light his cigar. Think about the last time you looked at a candle.

You weren't looking at the wax shaft, were you? No, you were looking at the flame. Humans are naturally drawn to flames because back when we were living in caves, a fire was the difference between life and a much colder life. And that is at the heart of why, in the candle industry, the Holy Grail is to make a candle that never goes out. Throughout history, many people have claimed to have done it.

Back in 1825, when the candle industry first took off in the candle village of Clankig, a local man, William Porter, claimed that he had created such a candle. When it was revealed that he was a fraud, the local man, William Porter, claimed that he had created such a candle. When it was revealed that he was a fraud, the local people were so angry and disappointed, he was pulled from his horse and beaten to death by maids. The people of Clankig shouldn't have got their hopes up though. Any scientist will be able to tell you that a never-ending candle could never exist. Eventually, any candle will run out of fuel and the flame must go out. And so it is with this story. I've reached the realisation that everything happens for a reason. We are naught but twigs

on the shoulders of a mighty, mighty stream. And whatever happens in this world is done for a reason. It doesn't matter if I'm a cow on a belt, if I'm an albatross in the direct line of fire of a lump hammer, if I'm a dolphin, or if I'm me in here. Everything happens for a reason. From the Beef and Dairy Network, this is the final part of Redeeming Eli. From the Beef and Dairy Network, this is the final part of Redeeming Eli. This is the news at ten o'clock. A former slaughterhouse owner, Eli Roberts, was given a six-month sentence today for an assault carried out in the courtroom while he was on trial for the murder of Peter Cranach, a crime for which he was later found not guilty.

Mr Roberts will serve his sentence at Parkhurst Prison on the Isle of Wight. It was revealed today that the German Chancellor Angela Merkel has never eaten fish. After the trials, I got back into my work for the Beef and Dairy Network, attending the Manchester Beef Throwing Championships, and as the hot flanks of meat span and tumbled through the air before slapping down onto the upturned faces of the children below, I, for the first time in months, stopped thinking about Eli. But when I returned from Manchester, a letter lay on the doormat, a letter from Eli.

The letter explained that although to begin with he had been angry with me and had blamed me for his predicament, he was making the most of his time in prison and he wanted to invite me to see how he was, in his words, thriving. I don't know what it was, but I couldn't resist. I booked a ticket on the next ferry to the Isle of Wight. Arriving at the prison, a large Victorian red brick building, I assumed I would be meeting Eli in a visiting room, but the woman on reception told me that I would be meeting him in the governor's office. In the governor's office, Eli was sitting behind the desk, his huge feet up on the table, his trademark grin spread across his face. Since I had arrived, there was something strange about the atmosphere, especially the way the staff looked at me and spoke to me. It was like they were worried about something, maybe worried about me.

I began by putting this to Eli. Before I i came in i was speaking to the policeman there yeah and dave yeah nice for that yeah very nice he seemed very concerned about my personal safety right and um you can tell that because he's given me this it's a rifle he described as an elephant gun this is a gun that people used to take down a charging elephant. Well, you don't need a gun that big for an elephant for the kickoff. You know what I mean? I've taken down an elephant, albeit a baby elephant, with a snooker ball and a sock.

We had a school trip. The kids were at the Bristol Zoo, and one of the elephants there was playing funny buggers. He stole my daughter's ice cream. So all I did was, I always carry a snooker ball anyway. You never know, you're going to need one.

Put a snooker ball on a sock and I just swung it and just caught him just where his big flap of ears joined the head by there and he just went down like a sack of shit. But that was a baby elephant of mine.

But his mam was looking over there and blowing her bloody trunk, you know. She come over anyway long story short right little girl's crying but I got her

another ice cream and this elephant's on the floor bleeding out of his ears and the mother come over and give me that look

like trying to intimidate me I think she was I thought I don't know and I said to her in very plain English because I think

they understand tone of voice I said if you don't fucking wind your I think they understand tone of voice I said if you don't fucking wind your neck in sunshine right I'll tie that

big ugly trunk of yours in a knot I'll jam some pepper up the end of it and watch you blow your own brains out

and that can happen that can happen just black pepper any pepper ground pepper you can use anything you like really

Daz you know whatever's to hand. Anything, any illitant. And that's the marvellous thing about an elephant. You tear your trunk in a knot and it will blow its own brains out. No! You know.

Eli seemed cheerful, chilled out back to his old self. And although I don't think you're ever truly safe in his presence, I began to relax. I asked him about his hitherto secret twin. The thing that's been interesting for me is I've spoken to lots of the residents of your home village of Sankey. Like who? Well, I won't give you the names.

You know, you've lived there your entire life, and they've lived there their entire lives, and they had no idea that there were two Eli Robertses. Well, it's none of their business, is it? How is that possible? Candle-dipping nutcases. What's it got to do with them? But you would just assume that they would know if there were...

Oh, those waxy bastards don't have their arse on their elbow, do they, with that? They know nothing. My father had a gut for them, and he walked off into the forest, old Russian Nicky. My mum's a recluse because of those idiots. Nothing but trouble for them, and I've done nothing but good for them and he walked off into the forest, old Russian Nicky. My mum's a recluse because of those idiots. Nothing but trouble for them and I've done nothing but good for them.

My whole life is dedicated to Llancaig. A lot of the people in Llancaig I've spoken to and you might not like to hear this were quite pleased when you were convicted of this. Oh, I'm quite sure they were as well. They were quite happy enough to take my money though,

weren't they? They'll take the 20 quid compensation when they've lost their arm. Is that what you'd give them, 20 pounds? Well, not always. I mean, it depends on how long you've been working there. But I mean, oh, yeah, they're happy enough then. Aren't they? My little Johnny's eyes have come out because

he got sprayed in the eyes with caustic soda. Oh, sorry, Mavis, here's five. Here's the five quid. Go and take him down to the cinema or something. And then suddenly the same person can't wait to stick the knife in your back. So you're saying you feel betrayed by these people?

Of course I'm being betrayed by them. I mean, you know what I mean? Where's my character witnesses in court? Not a single person came up there and put their name to old Eli. No one told me what a philanthropist he was. No one told me what a concerned businessman he was. No one told me what charity work. When you mention charity work,

do you mean making them work for free in your compound? Yes. Right. Of course. In what sense is that charity work? Well, charities, you don't get paid for a charity. That's what it is by definition, isn't it? If you go and volunteer for the Red Cross,

you're a charity worker, you're not getting paid. Those people work for me without getting paid. So they were volunteering for a charity? Yes. Right. I run a charity. People come to work for me for nothing. It's a charity. People come to work for me for nothing. It's a charity.

Eli told me that the other Eli had gone back to live in Llancaig, and I was surprised. Do you not think that after all this, there may have been some wisdom in maybe just staying away from Llancaig and maybe trying to start somewhere else? Do you have no concept of what home means? else do you have no concept of what home means to have to have to to have your whole life invested in a place and its people and its culture and to feel the very fibers of being entwined with the fibers of the place where you born and you grew up i mean i wasn't born i was born in russia but

it took to me in Lankiga. I know they've got a very long and illustrious candle history, but to me, I was the wick. I was the very wick of that town, and they were the wax to my wick. And wax will burn. And they can read into that whatever they want to read into it, but I'm telling you, wax will burn.

Sensing that I ought to change the subject i asked eli about prison life i won't deny it when he when he came out of the out of the van into the prison for the first time i thought oh what are we doing here right what are we what have we done to deserve this and he was bitter and he was resentful and i was i was full of rage and anger uh and I knew, I mean, I've read about, oh, it's very important on your first day in prison to set out to your store, otherwise, you know, it's going to be a living hell. And they say, I'd read a book once saying,

you find the biggest bloke on the block and you give him a smack and you sort of say, listen, I'm not going to get pushed around, right? I've been on this spinning rock for the best part of 60 years, right? And I got where I am today by not toeing the line. First day in prison, my advice would be you find the smallest person in prison.

You can pummel the shit out of him. And I mean, I kept hitting him and hitting him and hitting him. Sorry, who is this that you hit? I don't know his name. Little fella. Think of Danny DeVito. But imagine Danny DeVito hadn't had a Hollywood lifestyle. I don't know his name. Little fella. Think of Danny DeVito. But imagine Danny DeVito hadn't had a Hollywood lifestyle.

He hasn't lived in California. He didn't have that rich, deep tan that DeVito's got. He hasn't had a life of canapes and champagne. Imagine an emaciated, very pale Danny DeVito. I can picture it, yeah.

Well, what I did to him was, I mean, if I'm honest, I don't shock easily. He was out of order. I mean, I really did give him a hiding. You shocked yourself? I shocked myself. I was appalled, to be honest. The things I did to this fella.

There was boys in a cell block throwing up, and these are hardened criminals. And did he feel any sense of guilt when he was doing it because this guy hasn't done anything to... Well, if he hadn't done anything, he wouldn't be in prison. That was my rationale in the first place.

You always get wrong on. I think it was tax, I think. I don't know what it was. I don't care. But what I did feel at the end of it was this tremendous surge of pride. And I remember I ripped this prison uh issue like i could take a shirt like a gray flannel well similar to the one i got on now and i just ripped it off

oh like a magnificent beast and i roared like a primal scream it was and the whole place like including dave on the door there they looked and they couldn't believe i mean the ones who weren't being here just thought there's a man, there is a man who lives by his own rules. Now, this is a nice introduction, really, to something I wanted to talk to you about, which was that as soon as I came into the prison, every time I spoke to anyone, there was a woman on reception who I spoke to.

Oh, Dilys. Dilys, yep. And then I spoke to Dave, who brought me through here. Yeah. And I would say, I'm here to see Eli Roberts. And they corrected me and said, oh, you mean the governor? Right.

And they were referring to you as the governor. The governor, yeah. As in, like, the boss, yeah. Because that's the thing. There is a governor of the prison. Well, there was, yeah. Called Peter Fairclough. Peter, yeah.

Yeah, that is his picture on the wall. Yeah, that's right. So he's the governor, really, of the prison. Well, he is his picture on the wall. Yeah, that's right. So he's the governor really of the prison. So why... Well, he got a chat with him. He's in my cell. Cell block B.

Right, so, you know, I'm dancing around the point here a bit. Right. What have you done here? Just applied survival of the fittest.

Like in any other sphere of a human endeavour, you know. So I came here, Peter was a nice enough bloke. Roeddwn i'n ymdrin â'r ffitnesd. Fel y byddai yn unrhyw sfer o ddiddordeb dynol. Roedd Peter yn blwch, ond yn fwy. Roeddwn i'n siarad â'r ddwynau ar ôl i mi ddynnu Danny DeVito. Roeddwn i'n dweud, Peat, rwy'n sori am Mr DeVito, ond mae'n rhaid i chi ddod i'r ddechrau. Roedd yn dweud y byddwn i'n cael fy nghyfrif oherwydd y digwyddiad DeVito. you've got to set the start out early, Doss. He said I was going to be in trouble because of the DeVito incident and I was going to go into solitary confinement

and I said I wasn't prepared to do that. And he said it wasn't a choice. I said, well, it is a choice. And he said, well, no, I'm not asking you. I'm telling you, that's what you are going to do. I said, you don't listen to me, Peter. I'm not doing it. At which point he called a couple of the guards in.

They were easy enough to deal with. We got one with a sort of spike you put receipts on. Yep. I got him right in the temple over there. And then his buddy came over there. Oh, you've killed him. I said, he's not killed him. He's just bleeding.

I said, get him out of here. And Peter, by this point and i physically soiled himself right and peter said oh good deal with him quick deal with him because by this point now he was completely naked he stripped off i didn't want them to have any purchase on me and uh the second fella there i i managed to just reach around to grab his taser off him and i tasered him. He was in a flocking belt and the other fellow

was bleeding out of the temple there but I didn't hit it all the way in. It was more of a little jab. You know, I didn't want to kill the bloke. Peter, I said, now Peter,

I've told you before, I'm not doing solitary confinement. In fact, I said, in fact, do you know what now? I was trying to be nice about it

and you tipped me over the edge. I said, in fact, get in my cell. You get in my cell. I'm doing your job. This is my office from now on. Get out. Now, this obviously sounds quite alarming. You would think that there are processes in place

when these things happen. As you said, they did bring in the two men who you tasered and then hit with the receipts spike. Was there not a button he could press which would send the whole place into lockdown? Oh, yeah. I mean, it's called a panic alarm. I mean, there's a big red button there, you know.

He didn't have time to reach for that. We forget sometimes. We have ideas about our station. We forget the fact that we are animals, plain and simple. We are Homo sapiens. You know, Homo habil habilis homo erectus australopithecus neanderthalus i mean we're just animals right you i see and god knows i've seen enough animals in absolute terror and they become frozen you know there's that there's the old saying oh i was frozen with fear it's a literal

thing and that's what happened to p. So it was easy enough then, once that happened, to cut the phone lines. The outside world are no wiser. So, just to summarise, it sounds as if basically you're running this prison as a secret personal fiefdom.

I like to think of it as, yeah, a fiefdom's a nice word because it sort of goes back to that golden age of when a man was a man. You know, where if you wanted something, you took it. And people think I'm some sort of,

you know, I've heard all sorts of things, all sorts of descriptions of me, but I'm no better or worse than William the Conqueror. And he was a prince, and and became a king, you know, because he was prepared to do what he had to do. You know what I mean? So your Battle of Hastings

was when you overthrew Peter Fairclough in this room. Yeah. Funny enough, I got some of the boys who were working in the shop now who were making mailbags before this and making me a tapestry, making me an Eli tapestry of the boys who were working down in the shop now, who were making mailbags before this, are making me a tapestry, making me an Eli tapestry of the whole event,

like the whole arrival at the prison, the incident with Danny DeVito, the interview with Mr. Fairclough, the two boys coming in, the scuffle, the receipt spike, very much like Harold, King Harold, the receipt spike going much like Harold King Harold receipt spike

going into the temple area they're working on that night and day you know don't they What is your relationship like with the rest of the prisoners because

if I was a prisoner I think I would feel conflicted about the governor being overthrown by another prisoner because in one way you might feel

like it's quite a good thing to happen you've got one over on your immediate superiors but at the same time in happen. You've got one over on your immediate superiors. But at the same time, in charge, then, you've got someone who there's no oversight from above there. There's no government oversight. It's a more chaotic world, isn't it?

What we've got here is the definition of anarchy, right? And I think that's a good thing. And I think if you're in prison it's all about little victories you know I can see them I walk

I do I do four or five laps of the prison every day just to you know people pay tribute as they go past

and you know little tokens and things they've made I go down and check out all the tapas coming along can you show me

anything that they've made you this is a a bar of soap yeah you show me anything that they've made you? This is a bar of soap, yeah. And you can see what they've done, like in one of those brooches in the old days. They've carved a profile of my face into there.

We call that a cameo. Oh, we've got a jacket. We've made a jacket. I mean, it's hard to get hold of that. That's gold lamé, that is. They wear that for special occasions Where did they manage to find

that material in the prison? I think Dilys I basically bribed it was more of a threat than a bribe but she brought the material in

and the boys down there made a gold lamé jacket for me so I wear that for Sundays and whatever we put it on

and if I'm doing a service for the boys, I put that on. When you say service, this is something else I wanted to ask about. You're obviously well known as a religious leader yourself back in Clinkin. Yeah. The chaplaincy here at the prison, there is a small chapel at the side of the prison, which I noticed as I came in was on fire. Right.

And it just got me thinking about what the kind of religious landscape is like here in the prison. Well, like an Old Testament Jehovah, really, I will not tolerate and I will not brook a false prophet. So I came in here and the chaplain was a nice enough fella and he told him that the Church of Eli was the only church that was recognised in the free state you know

as I call it now that's what you're calling the prison Eli free state right within Eli free state the state religion is the church of Eli

and he agreed with me eventually you know and he set fire to the to the chapel there and he's now

one of my one of the persuasion you know in many ways it's like i feel i feel like a monday martin luther because uh there was a lot of iconography here crosses and crucifixes and uh you know passages from the bible and whatnot and uh we've set fire to all that so you've kind of had had your own version of the reformation anyway it's like a reformation you know when you go to see those old rude screens in the old churches about the faces scraped off and stuff.

And same thing here, you know, you won't find any pre-Church of Eli writings or scriptures anywhere. And I think that's something else. In such a short time I've been here, my congregation is swollen. Well, the prison holds 2,500 prisoners. Yes. How many of them would you say are now signed up members of the Jitra VI? It's about, it's two thirds that are currently active members. So it's about 1,600 active members.

And of course, we've had the best part of 900 have died. More after this. Hello, Benjamin Partridge here. I make the Beef and Dairy Network podcast. Thank you for listening. I'm interrupting this episode, but not for very long, to talk to you about the MaxFunDrive. What's the MaxFunDrive?

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okay let's talk about the experience of prison and if you come and are imprisoned at the the free state of eli because i assume you are free state sorry eli free state i assume you are still getting vans with new prisoners arriving yeah we get about uh we call it new meat we get about 25 in a week okay so let's imagine that i'm one of the guys on the truck you wouldn't last two seconds. Okay, but let's just, as a thought experiment, imagining someone who could last longer than that. I arrive in the van. What happens?

You're brought in front of me, first of all. I'd say, right, bring him in. Is he talked? Talked. Talked. Full body talk, yeah. Johnson & Johnson's baby powder editorial. right? You've been talced, you come in, and I will ask you a couple of simple you're a free man you're free to do whatever I tell you to do

you're assigned to either you'll probably end up on tapestry right you mean I'll be I'll be sewing the tapestry yeah you'll be on tapestry

try to think of something better than you wake up in the morning you're low the last day all being well if you survive you'll have three good meals you'll low that day all being well if you survive

you'll have three good meals you'll have a roof over your head and you know you'll have worked on a tapestry which will outlive all of us you know

Tapestries seem quite central to your work here It's telling a tale with thread I remember going to a bay there as a small boy a nomad there it's telling a tale with thread. I remember going to a, Bayer as a small boy, a nomad there,

with my dad. He was a, at the time he was a guest of the, the Russian embassy in Paris. And we went up to Bayer. And I remember looking at that tapestry thinking, my God, to have, you know,

to have been immortalized in that way. And this was sort of 900 years after the event, and I'm just thinking, well, what are we in now? When I was a small boy, it was sort of in the 60s or maybe the 50s. I thought, imagine being in like, imagine being in the year 2550 and there's an Eli tapestry that tells my whole life.

And imagine being part of that for you. I mean, if you're working on that, imagine the tremendous sense of achievement you'd have. So the tapestry that they're making here, down in the shop there, that's going to cover your whole life? Right, yeah. I mean, we're already up to the Peter Fairclough incident.

But every day of my life is literally another piece of the tapestry. People say, oh, life's a tapestry. My life is a tapestry. Can I see it? Yeah, take it down and have a look, yeah. Eli led me deeper into the prison, past rows of inmates who fell silent and bowed their heads. In a cell on the end of one of the rows was a small man who looked like Danny DeVito, or would have done if he hadn't have been covered head to toe in bandages

and bleeding from the head, lungs, liver and anus. We arrived in a large room where the completed sections of Eli's life tapestry were being stored. And it was amazing. Huge, stunning, exquisite. One of the most incredible works of art I've ever seen. And bear in mind, I've seen Cliff Trent Roberts' Beef Sistine Chapel. A couple of yards here. Here we go, look, as you can see it's about three feet from Dyma ni, edrych, gallwch weld bod hynny'n am 3 ffyt o'r top i'r botwm a'n cyfnodol yw, ychydig cymaint o hundau o ddau oed yn hir ac yn amlwg, rydych chi'n ychwanegu hynny bob dydd. Felly dyma ni, mae yna sîn da yno, edrych, byddwch yn gweld y, ydym ni, mae yna'r goll ysgol yno, edrych, dyma hwn, roedd hwn yn ymodydd o'r ymddygiad.

Dwi'n meddwl bod yna ddwy dyddion yn ôl. Mae'n ôl 6 ffyr. Gadewch i ni fynd yn ôl. Dyma fy ngyrch cyntaf yn y prision. Dyma fi gyda Peter a'r dau bwydau diogelwch. Rwy'n mynd yn ôl.

O, mae hyn yn ddiddorol. Dyma hyn. Rwy'n gwneud hynny allan. Rwy'n credu y byddwn yn gwneud gwaith da. Mae'r albatros arall. Ac mae hyn yn fy mhrofiad. Rwy'n rhoi'r llwyth o llwyth. Y llwyth yr ydych chi'n ei ddefnyddio i ddynnu'r llwyth o'r llyth. Ac mae'n dod ymlaen ychydig o fynciau.

Rydych chi'n gweld y llwyth a'r llyth, ond nid oes unrhyw ddyn yn gadael. Come forward a couple of inches there, and you see there's the wings and the legs, but there's literally no head left. Just the hammer there. You know, we're at the end of our own little journey, you and I now, and I am very grateful to you. All that's left to say is I look forward to hearing the final edit, and I hope you've cast me in a positive light, because if you haven't, remember that I do know where you live.

And I will happily peel you and put you in a vat of salt. When you say peel me... Take your skin off. Like literally cut you, peel your skin off and then put you in salt alive. You know. In a strange way, I felt glad that Eli had found happiness. He was thriving. But on the ferry home, a couple of things bothered me. Why did Eli trust me not to tell the authorities about what he had done? I mean, he was right to. I knew the right thing to do was

to call the police, but I felt like I had to keep quiet. I felt like we'd been through so much together. I felt close to him. Whether he had wanted to or not, he'd revealed so much about himself to me over the previous weeks. It seems strange to say it, but I felt like he was my friend. But other things bothered me. David, for example, the guard who'd given me the elephant rifle, if he was as loyal to Eli as Eli seemed to think, why had he given me the gun? I put it out of my mind until one evening the following week, I heard the news.

This is the news at ten o'clock. A prisoner's revolt has taken place at Parkhurst Prison. All communication between the prison and the outside world has been cut, so information is hard to verify, but according to the testimony of a prison guard who managed to escape, the prison governor Peter Fairclough has been confined

to a cell by the prisoner Eli Roberts, who is serving a sentence for assault. Mr Fairclough's family released a statement this afternoon, citing their extreme... So it seems at the moment that the outside world doesn't know anything about the existence of the Eloy Free State. Right. Hasn't been in the paper...

No. As far as I can tell, the police don't know... No. Nobody's raised the alarm. They won't do that. What happens when the outside world does find out about this? Don't you think, for example, that the police will try and take back the prison?

If they know what's good for them, no. The Parkhurst prison siege is now in its fourth day. There has still been no communication with anyone inside the prison, but Mr Roberts was briefly seen on the roof this afternoon raising a flag bearing the words Eli Free State and shouting foul-mouthed abuse at the police below. The Home Secretary, Amber Rudd, has described Mr Roberts as a dangerous monster, deserving the harshest punishment. Okay, what if you wake up one morning, there's a big bang outside, you wake up, you throw open your windows, you look out,

and there's a column of tanks from the British Army, and there's a man at the front with a loud halo and he's going, Mr. Roberts, we've come to take back the prison. Great. Well, that's when my tremendous gift of oratory will come to the fore because, I mean, I would reason with the tank commander and with those army officers and say, listen, I'm not the enemy. I am not the enemy. As the Parkhurst prison siege enters its sixth day the Home Office have confirmed that unless the leader of the revolt Eli Roberts stands down by 8am tomorrow morning

the army will be deployed The Home Secretary Amber Rudd promised fire and fury like the world has never seen Do you think you could turn the army to being on your side? Well I think that is the absolute key to it really, to success because once you've literally got the big guns on site to being on your side. Well, I think that is the absolute key to it, really, to success. Because once you've literally got the big guns on site, then everything else is gravy after that, you know?

I see that as like a battle of Armageddon, really. You know, when it takes all. I imagine the feeling of ultimate victory after that would be tremendous. And if I lost, I lost fair and square. I don't deserve to win. After a week, the Parkhurst prison siege came to a bloody end earlier today. A column of army tanks, artillery and infantry were dispatched to the prison and had completely encircled the building by half past nine this morning. Eli Roberts, the leader of the revolt, then appeared on the roof of the prison

and tried to speak to the tank commander using the words join me, join me and experience ultimate freedom on the roof of the prison and tried to speak to the tank commander using the words, Join me, join me and experience ultimate freedom, before firing into the sky with a rifle described by experts as an elephant gun. The army then returned fire on Mr. Roberts and within seconds he had been peppered with machine gun fire, roasted with a flamethrower and directly hit by an artillery shell. No body has been recovered, but Mr Roberts is presumed dead. I feel blessed. I feel so lucky to have achieved so much. Just so lucky to have been alive in a time

where a good man like myself can thrive. You know, watch your space. Literally, I mean, if you look in the other room there with all the blank tapestry, you know, watch that space. Because as the years unfold, or the tapestry, you know, watch that space. Because as the years unfold and the tapestry unfolds, I think, you know, when it's my time to shuffle up this mortal coil, then the tapestry of my life will be a wonderful thing to behold. We're all weavers.

Be your own weaver. And don't be afraid to take a chance. Fyliwch eich hun. A phaid yn ffodus i ddod i'r cyfle. Phaid yn ffodus i newid eich llwyth. Phaid yn ffodus i geisio'r newydd. Phaid yn ffodus i brofiad. Phaid yn ffodus i brofiad. Phaid yn ffodus i brofiad. Phaid yn ffodus i brofiad.

Beth rwy'n dweud i'r bobl yn y gweithdy yw, dyma eich bywyd. Rydych chi'r llwyth. A'ch ddeddfwyr yw'r llwyth. A rydych chi'n weithio eich bywyd eich hun. This is your life. You are the needle. And your deeds are the threads. And you weave your own life. Not physically, because they're weaving my life. But you know. Eli was dead.

Well, an Eli was dead. Our Eli. I began to sleep better. I realised I hadn't slept properly for months. Years, really. Maybe not since I'd met him. But I wasn't happy. No, he was a complicated man.

Sure, almost certainly a murderer. But you don't get to choose how you feel. Then, one morning, the postbox clattered, and there were a couple of envelopes on the mat. One was an invitation to a street party in Llanquig, celebrating his demise, and it seemed sick to me. Absolutely sick. The second envelope was smaller, grubbier, battered. I ran my thumb under the flap and tipped the contents onto my coffee table. It was a scrap of fabric, a tapestry, and on the tapestry, the prison being destroyed by tanks, and next on the tapestry, the figure of Eli, battered, battered, bleeding, burned, but running away.

And on his face, a grin. He's alive. The bastard's alive. Redeeming Eli is produced by the Beef and Dairy Network. Thanks to Mike Bubbins and Tom Crowley. The German Chancellor Angela Merkel has tried fish for the first time. Mrs Merkel ate a bucket of cod during a parade in honour of German reunification

and washed it down with a sweet plum wine. Asked what she thought of the fish, she said that it tasted peculiar. Hello, thank you for listening to the episode and allow me just to talk to you again for a couple of minutes about the MaxFunDrive. I just want to say a huge thanks again to anyone who's already a supporter of the podcast. It makes a huge difference and it allows me to make the podcast the best it can be and allow me to keep making it. And I'm very pleased that people like it enough that they would like to help support it. I know

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