Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 34 - Lucy Bonham

Episode Date: April 24, 2018

Celeste Dring joins in for this episode in which we speak to Lucy Bonham, an events planner who is organizing this year’s British Beef Council Annual Dinner and Barn Dance.   By Benjamin Partridge and Celeste Dring. Thanks to Tom Crowley.   Music: Simple Duet by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/   Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.com

The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is sponsored by Bove Shield Plunge, the new antimicrobial cattle dip from Mitchell's. If it's not Mitchell's, get back in the truck. You wouldn't think it, but Bove Shield Plunge is a great addition to any cocktail if you're trying to poison a business adversary. A couple of drops in their martini and their organs will turn to steam. For 10% off your next delivery, use the code SPLEENMELTER. Hello, and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved or just interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds.

The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website and a printed magazine, brought to you by Bovshield Plunge. Coming up later, we have details of a competition where you could win your very own box of pens. But first, I'm sure it won't have escaped your attention that this week tickets for the next British Beef Council annual dinner and barn dance have gone on sale. The event doesn't take place until November, but traditionally tickets sell out well in advance, often on the day of release. However, this year sales have been sluggish due to rumours about the way it is being organised. Everyone knows that it has been traditionally organised by Violet Crabtree, the 91-year-old wife of former British Beef Council chairman Lester Crabtree.

This year, due to her advancing age, Violet decided to step down from the role, and so a professional event planner from London, Lucy Bonham, was brought in to organise the dinner. As a result, it was announced that this year's event will be a so-called New Look Dinner, breaking from some of the traditions that Violet and Short stayed untouched since 1949. Some of the modernisations have been viewed by many as progressive, such as the decision to allow women to attend without having to stay behind a purse-back screen. But other measures have been regarded as a step too far, principally the rumour that there will be no after-dinner speech

for a much-loved funnyman, Les Cheese. Lucy came into the studio to try and clear up some of the hearsay. Hi, I'm Lucy Bonham. I'm an events manager and I'm organising the British Beef Council annual dinner and barn dance. Well, thanks for coming in, Lucy. Pleasure. Big job to get.

Yeah, heavy as a head that wears a crown. That's right um yeah you know probably the the biggest event in in the beef and dairy calendar yeah now yeah the big question i think that everyone uh who will be considering going this year uh will be on their minds is who's giving the after dinner speech now um i think a lot of people are going to assume that it's Les G's Well I think I mean you know perhaps Les is not the right fit

I mean Les is obviously well he's got none of his original organs left I believe they're all That's true they've been replaced with the organs of animals so he should live forever so the vets tell me. Yeah, and what an exciting prospect that is.

But yeah, I think he's perhaps not stable enough physically or otherwise, perhaps, to be giving the after-dinner speeches. And I also think that it might be time for some new blood. Because Les has done it, well, apart from the last couple of years where he's had his problems. He's done it every year since, I think, 1970? Yeah, and tradition is fantastic. And, you know, I think we do want to retain some of those elements. But I also think we want to really rapidly get away from them.

Have you ever seen Les Cheese in concert, concerts so to speak either on his own or with cheese and onion back in the day well i haven't seen it live myself i've seen clips yeah so i'm kind of you know familiar with some of the catchphrases and yeah it's pretty funny right you would agree you know he's a funny, maybe the funniest man. Certainly in Britain. He's definitely got something about him. Yeah. So it's not Les Cheese?

No, it's not. It's not Les. Okay. The rumours have got out that Les hasn't been booked. And a few people have said to me that they're willing to chip in or even pay a higher ticket price. If, you know, obviously Les has got his problems at the moment medical and otherwise which means he can't perform but they would right they'd be happy to pay extra for a hologram of les cheese to perform you remember tupac who of course is no longer with us managed to perform at coachella a few years ago because he they made a hologram of him and he performed it yeah it's what he would have wanted yeah so you know people are willing to to give you the money for you to go

and get that hologram of Les made up yeah I'm under no illusions um that that people are very keen on on Les you know I did look into it which I wasn't going to talk about because I really don't want to. It's important to put on a strong front here and seem united. And, you know, I've got to be quite committed. But I did look into the hologram thing, but I've ruled it out on the basis of, you know, the poor quality of that hologram and what I saw that it's capable of. And it isn't it. So you've been to the hologram company yeah to try and get what they make a kind of um a test did you do a test run yeah I said okay you know

show me what you got and um oh boy did it and it was it certainly wasn't funny you know I I I maybe that that would appeal to some people, but I think, you know, a lot of these people, they just haven't been shown another way. So what was the hologram like? It's quite rude, aggressive. You know, the fart sounds must have been fake, but they sounded frighteningly real, if I'm honest.

Sweaty, sort of leering leering over you I don't know the whole thing is I don't know inexcusably bad and and I don't think it's enough to to sort of to make sexist or or you know otherwise not okay comments and then have the catchphrase well these things happen and you don't think it's it's more excusable coming from a hologram i think it's like can a hologram be sexist i think i'm asking i would say it definitely can and i i've experienced it Does the hologram have a soul? Yes. End of discussion. After a while, it started to malfunction, the hologram,

and just started rapping Tupac's lyrics, but still in Les's voice, which was really disturbing. Yeah. I don't know what was going on there, but it wasn't good. More from that interview later. But first, time to announce a new competition for Network members. Your chance to win a box of pens. The box contains 10 ballpoint pens, or biros. We ran a similar competition last year, which was won by milking parlour technician David Feathercroft. When I won the pen, I was obviously delighted. I got a phone call saying,

you've won. And I told my wife and she started crying and I started crying and, oh well, you can imagine. And I had a fierce lovemaking followed, and the next morning, I felt like king of the world. Then the box of pens arrived, and very soon after that, the phone call started. Can I borrow a pen? You know, can I borrow a pen? Friends, family members, one's word went round. Perfect strangers, calling round the house sometimes. Can I borrow a pen?

Perfectly polite, not threatening or anything, but I began to feel that that's all I was to these people, really. The pen man. We'd be in the pub and someone inevitably would need a pen, and then it would be, you know, Oh, if you need a pen, David's got a box of them. David'll give you a pen. That sort of thing.

When you've got a box of pens like that, it's hard to know who your real friends are. Honestly it's awful. Kids look at me now and where before they saw their father. Now they just see a box of pens. I'm just a box of pens to them. I won a box of pens. And now I am a box of pens. But I'm more than a box of pens. I am.

I'm more than a box of pens. I am. I am. I am. I am. I am. Glad to hear you're enjoying your pens, David. For your chance to win your own pens, answer this simple question.

Who invented the pen? Answers to the usual address. Good luck! More after this. Are you hiring, posting your position to job sites, and waiting and waiting for the right people to see it? More after this. your job. Right now, my network... Right now, network members can try it for free at ziprecruiter.com slash beef. That's ziprecruiter.com slash beef. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. And that address once more is ziprecruiter.com slash beef. Slash beef. Slash beef. In a world where meat was banned, only one man could stand up to the state. Oh my god, somebody help me, they've taken my family meat, again.

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I'm going to go home. Did somebody order me? Ziprocoaster.com slash beef.com slash beef slash beef I don't know if you've seen the latest

British Beef Council newsletter which was out this week it's devoted much of its coverage to what it calls a leaked document which it has obtained which shows some of your plans for the event

it says that you plan to sing the national anthem only twice during the evening. Yeah, and that was a push at that. Because in the past we'd do it before every course. Yeah, I know. Well, this is sort of more of a buffet thing, so that would be logistically very tricky.

That brings me on to another point. It says here that there won't be a full beef dinner, there won't be a trout course. No. and instead there'll be a hot fork buffet what on god's earth is that um an hfb is you know really deconstructed experience where you as an individual can intuitively you know wander up and down tubs of food and and and go with what you're drawn to and you can put all sorts of freaky combinations together. There's no one to stop you from putting coleslaw with your meat and gravy. And people just have to accept that.

But there will be meat and gravy available? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Because people will be very pleased to hear that, I think. No, I haven't got a death wish. I've had a few death threats. Will there be trout? No. No.

I just, I don't, I think trouts, they look miserable. I think they're a bit of a buzzkill. Really bring the vibe down. So I've had to let them go with, you know, with the warmest wishes in the world. But I've said no to trout. Do you know what I think is more of a buzzkill than there being trout there?

What's that? There being no trout there. That's just my opinion. Yeah, I feel like I'm fighting a bit of a losing battle here. I mean, I thought you might be prepared to be mind-changed on this. No, I'm trying to be generous. I'm just saying that's my opinion. Yeah. you might be prepared to be mind changed on this no i'm trying to be generous i'm just saying that's my opinion yeah you know i've never been to the annual dinner and band dance and not eaten three or four trout yeah it's good for the band dance because it makes your joints more supple yeah and

you do feel i know you feel the effects of that immediately and that that that is the great thing about trout i'm not saying it doesn't have its its merits but we have to make the tough decisions here also in the newsletter if you've seen it you'll know that a number of beef council members are threatening to boycott the event and there's some big names on that list as well it's not your run-of-the-mill members it's your bernie win stanton's david flenchcroft, Sue Gooseberry, the Rundercrush Brothers, Parsnip Flendercroft has set up an online petition. Yeah, I'm aware of that. Yeah, I'm aware of Parsnip. Does that give you pause?

Overall, no. You know, if I start letting these things get in my head, you know, I wouldn't get out of bed and tie my shoes in the morning. I want to read you some of what's been written in the comments section of the online petition that was set up by Parsnip Flendercroft. I don't know if you've seen them already, but the comments are pretty forthright. First one, the British Beef Council annual dinner and barn dance is the highlight of my year. Great. And is that the end? Especially the barn dance section.

Great. I hear that she wants to replace the barn dance with an ecstasy-fueled rave with electronic music scantily clad dancers writhing inside cages suspended from the ceiling and hundreds of drugged up doof heads attempting full sexual congress on the dance floor well you know what only only three out of the four things listed there are what i'm planning so i think get you get your facts straight and get all of them before you know you come out fighting okay next one vis-a-vis the hot fork buffet those forks better be bloody hot i want to have to pick them up with an oven mitt well there is a health and safety issue there.

We can't be dishing out oven mitts willy-nilly to everybody. You know, they'll be warm to the touch, but that's it. And I think that's adequate. Next one. I've signed up for and had the internet installed in my home just so I can sign this online petition. I will have it immediately uninstalled once I've submitted this comment. That is the strength with which I believe that You know, I wish them every kindness because they sound like they need help. Another one. She's tearing apart the fabric of society strand by strand like a carpet moth, laying her eggs and spraying her larvae across a priceless antique rug she will only be content when the rug lies in tatters covered in piss are you pissing on

our rug lucy i'm not no i'm not pissing on anyone's rug i mean have i pissed on a rug yes i think in that example he's using the rug as a metaphor for our British Beef Council and the dinner and things, but you're not being quite so metaphorical, are you? I'm definitely glad that I've been very honest there. Obviously, it's not that relevant to what we're talking about,

so it doesn't have to kind of go into the final edit of the interview. No, of course not, no. So... A small mercy you haven't pissed on the rug in here right there's still time given the strength of feeling that that's obvious here from the members of the council do you feel in danger at all, personally? Yeah, I've got security. I've had cameras installed. I mean, I've moved twice. I'm wearing a wire right now.

I don't quite know why I've done that. It doesn't really make sense, but I just thought, you know, in for a penny. And you're wearing that bulletproof hat? Yes, yeah. But that's always been my thing, really. But, you know, yeah, I said heavy is the head that wears the crown at the beginning and I meant that because that thing looks pretty heavy yeah it is and I'm very quite literal about things as we've as we've established I think you thought I was talking metaphors but I wasn't well um I don't know what to say really you know this is a

journalistic program and so I have a duty to remain somewhat neutral. But I have to say, I think you're tearing apart a decades-old tradition for my people. And by my people, I mean the Beef and Dairy fraternity. And I think you are the devil. I think you are the devil. Wow. Lucy, thank you for coming in. It's a pleasure After the interview with that she-witch we here at the network made the decision

that we are rescinding all sponsorship from that event Instead that money will be spent on funding trips for school children to go to farms and abattoirs to get them over the horror of slaughter at a young age so they can enjoy beef in a full way Soon after I recorded that interview with that destroyer of worlds, we received a letter from Les Cheese himself, and he would like me to read it to you.

The letter reads as follows. Hello everyone, your old friend Les Cheese here. First of all, thank you for all your letters of support after the news was made public that all of my old fucked internal organs were being replaced with animal organs by a team of backstreet vets. When people ask me what I've had changed, I say, everything but my dick. But the truth is,

I've had that swapped out now for an anteater's dick. I will be ruffling my old penis to raise money for the Biafra National Front. I have recently received the news that I won't be asked to perform at the British Beef Council annual dinner and barn dance.

Some of the best nights of my life have been performing there. During my career, I've entertained the Queen, three popes, four US presidents, Nelson Mandela, Pablo Escobar,

and David Duchovny, and none of those experiences have measured up to the experience of playing the annual dinner. As I've always said, there's no better audience than a thousand incredibly drunk Randy Farmers. And over the years, it was during the barn dance section of the night that I met my wife, my girlfriend, my mistress, and my bit on the side. So many lives have changed at 10pm, when the fiddles come out and the perspex barrier is lifted.

In reaction to the travesty that the upcoming official dinner appears to have become, I've decided to hold my own event, which will be true to the original spirit of the night, where I will perform all my hit routines, skits and songs with the help of my new best friend, the hologram version of myself. Me and the hologram have been getting on great guns, and I hope that when I'm fully recovered, I can go out on tour in a double act once again. Cheese and hologram cheese. At the event, we will also provide a full beef dinner,

including trout course, and there will be a big tank of murky brackish water, because I have to eat quite a lot of plankton and krill to keep my sperm whale liver happy. So, please don't go to the official dinner organised by that so-called event planner. One of my hologram's biggest regrets in his short life is that he didn't zap her with his laser eyes when he had the chance. All the best, love and cheese, Les Cheese. I should of course say that Les makes reference to plankton in that letter.

Some of you will know that meat by the name Micro Micro Aqua Beef. Tickets to Les Cheeses' alternative annual dinner and barn dance cost £350, and that includes the full beef dinner, including trout course, and unlimited access to the krill tank. And if you'd like to buy a raffle ticket for your chance to win Les Cheeses' old dick, they are a pound and can be bought from the post office. So, that's all we've got time for this month. But if you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to our website now,

where you'll find this month's extended article, where we ask whether millennials would be able to buy houses if they didn't spend so much money on beef on toast, as well as our off-topic section, where this month we meet the team of Boston-based investigative journalists who believe that Badminton might be a hoax. So, until next time, beef out. Thanks to Celeste String and Tom Crowley remember you can find us on Facebook and on Twitter and excitingly now we have our very own Alexa skill which you can install if you have an Amazon Echo

ah see it just woke up because I said Alexa let's try this. Okay, let's move that. Alexa, ask Beef Dairy Network, who is Michael Banyan? Michael Banyan is the former Bowman Poet Laureate who mysteriously disappeared. His best known work is his collection of poetry, Crab of the Land. Alexa, ask Beef and Dairy Network to read out Crab of the Land. Alexa, ask Beef and Dairy Network to read out Crab of the Land. Soft as a mother, smooth as a latte, a beefy oblong with the eyes of an angel, black as night and white as snow, you're like an edible domino, or a coat hanger whose burden isn't shirts but meat.

Stand up, raise a glass and give yourself a hand. You are the C crab of the land. So there you go. Bit of fun? Welcome everyone to the live wrestling spectacular in Los Angeles. So far the world's most boring wrestling podcast has been destroying the competition. Isn't there anyone who can save us from this travesty? Wait, could it be? It's Titan Fights, the perfect wrestling podcast.

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