Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 47 – Too Much Milk?

Episode Date: May 19, 2019

Jake Yapp, Amy Gledhill and Tom Neenan join in for this episode, in which we ask, can you have too much milk? By Benjamin Partridge, Jake Yapp, Amy Gledhill and Tom Neenan. Thanks to Helen Zaltzman, Martin Austwick, Laura Grimshaw and Luke Doran for production help. Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.com

Before we start, a reminder that we have a live show in London at the Underbelly Festival on the 1st of June. Have a look on our website, www.beefanddairynetwork.com. Also, this episode is gross. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is sponsored by Granium, the new nutritional sand from Mitchell's. If it's not Mitchell's, get back in the truck. We've noticed rumours circulating in recent weeks that some bags of Granium are haunted by the souls of those who died in the Great Mitchells Pellet Fire of 1948. Sadly, these rumors are true.

If you suspect that your order is haunted, simply stand in a ring of salt and bellow, Foul spirits be gone! into the bag. Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved or just interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website and a printed magazine brought to you by Granium Nutritional Sand. I've decided to record the introduction to this podcast during my nightly warm milk bath. Just me, 200 candles, 75 gallons of hot milk, and the sound of the extractor fan sucking away all that hot milk steam.

Because this month, the podcast is all about the white stuff. God's breast milk, the business, calf custard, the treat from the teat, bullock beer, cattle juice. That's right, milk. Specifically, this episode is about the question of whether you can have too much milk. Conventional scientific thought has always traditionally said no, with the idea being that the more the better. However, this month I met a dairy farmer called Martin Carpit at his farmhouse in Kent. Since he was a teenager, Martin has drunk upwards of 40 litres of milk a day.

I started by asking him what kind of milk he's drinking. Skim, semi-skim. Look, it's kind of, obviously there are kind of economical factors, so I'll buy whatever's cheapest. So if it's reduced for a quick sale, if there's a little bit of a fizz to it, to be honest, I enjoy the variety. So despite being a day farm yourself, you're actually buying in milk? Because of subsidies. It's much more expensive for me to drink directly from the cow, even though I enjoy it. It's much cheaper to just go and buy it in a supermarket. But you'll still occasionally drink directly from the udder of one of your cows?

Sure. I mean, special occasions, family get-togethers, barbecues, we'll put a cow in the garden, you know, and everyone has a go. We have these teat spitters. It's like a Y-shaped latex teat uh that latches on and then you're doubling your capacity there exactly what's the most members of your family you've ever had suckling on a single cow well once for fun we we we teat splitted the teat splitters so we ended up with 32 on it just configuring the bodies was was by far the hardest part it's's like getting clowns in a mini. Exactly that, only instead it's just humans leeching.

After decades of this extreme regime of high milk consumption, Martin began to experience a worrying physical phenomenon. I sort of had some slight discomfort in my lower back and also sort of around the front. And it was a kind of cramp crampy sort of feeling and then this bulge formed in a fairly intimate sort of region and I I didn't I didn't quite know what was going on and I didn't want to see a doctor because I think they're all liars anyway so this kind of bulge thing formed. And one morning I woke up quite early with a desperate need to pass water.

And it wasn't coming. And finally there was this searing pain. And finally out popped a little, a ball-shaped stone. So it shot out with some velocity and it actually cracked the cistern of the lavatory. Oh, it hit the cistern? Didn't hit the pan? No, no, no, exactly.

Because I'm standing there. But the velocity was such that it cracked. So it came out at a right angle? Yeah. And it was horrific because it cracked. The water started flooding out of the cistern. Now water's just hemorrhaging out all over the lavatory. So I had to hold the ball cock up in my hand

and then shout for my partner to come. Now, if in my bathroom the cistern had cracked and there was water everywhere, and I shouted for my partner and my partner came up... Do you think that was a bad thing? Well, she would think it's a bad thing, but she would also say, how did this happen? And if I said a kind of marble flew out of my penis at speed and cracked it,

I think there's a chance that she would think I was lying. Sure. Well, the evidence is there. I mean, that was the point. I held it up. There it was, glinting in the morning sun. How big are we talking? Because it's obviously hard if it's able to crack the portmanteau.

This first one was not huge, but it was more irregular than than subsequent ones so it was kind of like if you took i would say three packets of chewing gum wadded them all in your mouth made a loose ball and then spat it out it would be about that size now you allude there to subsequent balls sure you're having these on a regular basis so i pass them pretty much every day uh and they range in size but we've got we've we sort of have a system now which is uh we've sort of bolted a colander to the side of the system and that that catches it but if we go away if we're staying with friends or something, then my wife has an oven glove and she just stands there waiting.

An oven glove? Yeah, because it's slightly padded. Because sometimes, and there can be sharp sides to it and don't I know it. It's kind of like she's catching it like a baseball glove. Yeah, it's like a catcher's mitt.

Yeah. Yeah. So you allude to them being different sizes. What is the largest? I would say a tennis ball, probably, but much harder, much denser. And that's the interesting thing about this. I've had them tested by renal specialists who say that, in fact, the density is much, much higher, and it's almost crystallizing.

Because this is, you know, we haven't made this explicit link yet, but this is because of all the milk, right? Absolutely. Have your specialists told you how these things are created? This is what I've been told. I've been told by them, of course,

I'm drinking too much milk, which is one of the reasons why I know all doctors to be liars, because I see them enviously looking at my physique and my stones and wishing they could do that do you have any you can show me here yeah um so uh have a look at this one this is a little one wow yeah wow now just to describe this to listener it's it's perfectly spherical yeah

which is something you don't often see in nature it's it's absolutely perfect as you described it's kind of pearlescent yeah it's got a sort of opalescence hasn't it yeah yeah it's warm well that's fresh that's today's yeah yeah and i can see it it's kind of it looks like it's been polished to a it's been buffed to a sheen sure so i can see my face in it well the interesting thing is that um the stones have have changed over time so i told you about the initial one sort of looked like an asteroid but sort of subsequently they've got smoother and i think it's partly as my internal organs have expanded to accommodate so they've become smoother um as they form and so much easier to pass really so

now just there's no because it sounded like it was relatively painful the first time it happened it is painful i mean it's still painful yeah but but what it also means is that they are much bigger now so that's so you've seen that one that That was a fairly, well, that was this morning. Oops. That's a bigger one. And here's a big boy. Oh, is this a record holder? It's one of the biggest. Yeah.

So that's, I mean, that's slightly larger than a tennis ball, I would say. This one's, it's incredible actually. Well, that one's, so that one's in a mounting. That's just a very simple mounting. Because, I mean, this is why I don't see any of this as a negative, because these have attracted a lot of interest and they're quite sought after now as jewellery. The prevailing belief now is that too much milk is a bad thing

and I never thought I'd be saying those words. I spoke to Dr Sam Archer, best known for his TV appearances on BBC2's Physician Impossible and Channel 5's Rash Decisions. He's recently been looking into some scientific tests that took place in Milan University in the late 70s, which showed that the more milk that you feed a baby, the larger and stronger it becomes, with no upper limit. Those babies just, the more milk they drank, the stronger they got. In the end, the only reason that the experiment stopped and we couldn't see the upper limit of how strong and powerful these babies got was that the babies got free.

Eventually, the restraints being used weren't strong enough for the babies that by now were sort of more like plump men, and they just got stronger and ran away. They're still out there somewhere. It's actually a belief that historically when people talk of things like the Yeti and the Sasquatch, what they may be thinking of or what they may have seen is a baby that was overfed on milk. And just had to go and live in the mountains? Yes, because normal society wouldn't accept them. Are there any numbers on how many of these huge babies there are in the world? There's some speculation.

A colleague of mine has been doing some research on this and has come to the conclusion that there may be around 30, 32 of these, what we call mega babies, out in the world. I kind of think it would make an incredible rugby match if we could get them all together. But funding is yet to come into place for that. That's something you're trying to do? One day, one day. There is a Kickstarter going on at the minute,

but really I suppose it's just about making sure that the babies are safe and well. I think as most young women do, you dream of having one day a very large, fat baby. Like Martin, young mother Yvonne Sampson from Hull also drinks over 40 litres of milk every day. She had her baby Talbot six months ago and immediately began feeding him huge amounts of cow's milk. Nobody wants to have a small baby. Nobody wants to have a medium baby. Nobody really wants a large baby. You want an extra large baby. That's how it's always been in my family.

Were you a large baby? It's a great source of shame. Actually, I came out weighing a measly 10 pounds. Not enough, not enough for the Samson family. So my mum just popped me back in till I was ready. And who's the father? Well, you'll have heard of him. Kenny Baritone. Right. You know him? I don't think so. Kenny Baritone. Kenny Baritone. He's the most famous darts player in East Yorkshire. You know him? Only professional darts player who doesn't use his hands. He doesn't use his hands at all? He will not use his hands. Flat out refuses. How's he launching the dart? Just through his mouth. He's got a hell

of a blow. Hell of a blow. If it's a Friday night, he'll use a different hole. Okay, Kenny, we all know your party trick, but in a competition, it's just with his mouth. He's got powerful cheeks. And this is something that was attractive to you? Of course it was, come on. I don't think any red-blooded woman could sit in the crowd of an East Yorkshire darts championship and see Kenny blowing and not feel a stir. Were you in a relationship with Mr. Baritone at the time? No, we weren't together officially, obviously with his lifestyle. He's not going to want to be tied down. There's a queue of women waiting. Oh, I just told you about the cheeks. Come on.

He was always surrounded by women. I couldn't be the one to trap him. But we did share a very special moment, which led to the conception of Talbot. Talbot was born about six months ago now? Yes. Yeah. And as we said, as we alluded to, very big baby.

Very big baby. What was his weight when he was born? Stone and a half. Now that's normally, a child doesn't become that big until what sort of age? Oh, two, something like that. He had a full head of hair, long fingernails and very, very strong cheeks, which enabled him to speak straight away, immediately. Because that's what's holding back a child initially,

is that the cheeks aren't strong enough yet to form the words. Well, exactly. That's just science, isn't it? So he, because of his father's cheeks, tried to give him a dummy would try to pop that in his mouth to soothe him to settle him down but he would just fire that out sometimes getting a 17 so you would be hitting a dartboard yeah was there always a dartboard in the room several right you can't have an affair with kenny baritone and not have several dartboards in each room of your house. So you were living with Mr. Baritone at the time? Or you'd filled your house with dartboards

in the hope that it would attract him to your house? Well, exactly that. I thought the more dartboards, the more chance of Kenny coming over. He never did. So Kenny wasn't getting involved with the baby at that stage? No, and I couldn't ask him to. Does he know that he's got a child? I've tried to inform him.

I've put a letter through his door, but unfortunately his wife keeps me at bay. I didn't realise there was, when you were telling me earlier about your dalliance, I didn't realise there was a Mrs Baritone. Unfortunately, yeah. She's a strong woman, but she's 97 now, so she's not got long left and, you know,

I'm hoping when she passes, I'll be next in line for the throne. You'll be the kind of Anne Boleyn to her Catherine of Aragon. Well, exactly that, absolutely. Wait, did she get her head chopped off? Eventually. I'd do it for Kenny. Martin showed me some of the jewellery that he has made from his fabulous milkstones. I mean, this one's too big to wear in any kind of...

Maybe you could use this at a coronation of some sort. Sure. But this little one... For state occasions. Yeah, the little one is sort of, it's flirty and fun. And just with a simple chain around the neck. You could dress this up and down, couldn't you? Because it's kind of like an everyday piece.

But then for the evening, if you put that on a gold chain or... Well, what I would suggest is that will zhuzh up any kind of office wear into evening wear. I see. So just pop that in your handbag for when you go out. And so... I don't want to... Sounds like i'm bragging about it but there's quite a lot of people some fairly famous names have have started wearing really my stones um princess michael of kent bonnie tyler so she she buys quite a lot of stuff. Yeah. And is Bonnie aware of where these come from? How are you selling these?

Yeah, kind of. I mean, I... Do people know the provenance of these beautiful crystals? Well, what... OK. Well, I suppose I do slightly massage the truth. So what I describe them as cultivated stones and that they've've been they're cultured from a special clam a clam yeah it's a it's well it's sort of true it's a it's a fleshy tubular clam um which ejects a cultured semi-precious stone in brine um bonnie tyler sort of wanted to know more and in the end i i felt bad she wanted to see the clam she asked for pictures of the clam um i felt like i've been living a lie you know and when i finally showed her the clam and the provenance i actually sent her a video of a

morning pass and uh she she she loved it and she wants she actually because anything she wanted more people might think imagining how that would go you sending her the video of the of passing it that she might be sort of quite horrified really that this thing that she thought was coming from a clam was actually shooting out of your genitals yeah into a colander or into a glove worn by your wife or occasionally i'll just fish it out with tongs so you know i would imagine yeah that she would that that would be quite sort of upsetting for someone who's spent so much of their own money on these things to find out what the truth is but you're saying that she had no problem with it

she loved it so how were those first few days with the little baby? That must have been a really special time. Well, it should have been, but unfortunately, it was ruined by the people around me, by the nurses, by the midwives who wanted me to feed my child breast milk. Now, I'm sorry, that's not the way we do it in my family. If you want a big baby, if you want a strong baby, you go for cow's milk and as much of it as you can. So the nurses would try and make me breastfeed young Talbot. And I didn't want to put that muck anywhere near my child. What's stronger, a human or a cow? What's bigger, a human or a cow? What's more intelligent, a human or a cow? Cow's milk's going to make your baby bigger, fatter, stronger, smarter, wiser, more empathic.

And Talbot took to the cow's milk perfectly fine? Absolutely. And how much were you feeding Talbot at this stage? Just the normal amount. So two or three pints in the morning, pint and a half for lunch, a couple of pints for dinner, six or seven pints to get him to sleep. And what kind of baby was Talbot? Was he happy? Was he sleeping well?

Was he... I'd describe him as aggressive, as violent often, but very eloquent. But a few weeks in, he was able to shout multi-syllabic profanities. he was able to shout multi-syllabic profanities. And then by, I would say, three months, he was ripping doors off hinges, throwing fridges all the way down the street. And he was costing me a fortune in house repairs.

I've seen photos of him from the time and he's definitely the only baby I've seen that you could legitimately describe as barrel chested. Thank you. He's got tattoos. Yeah, he was born with them. What are the tattoos? He's got love and hate across his knuckles. He's also got tattooed right across his chest,

a dolphin mid-air going through a flaming hoop. So, obviously you were curious with your emails about the whole process and I was surprisingly coy about doing it in front of you, but I don't know if you're interested, but I recorded passing my stone this morning. Yeah, I'd love to listen, absolutely. I mean, it's a shame we didn't get here earlier and I could have seen you do it. Yeah, I mean, I tried to hold on, but the pressure can build up enormously.

That's sort of okay, but it's just when it then happens, the only way I can describe it is my genitals come to resemble a joke cigar well i'm glad i didn't see it but i would i would like to hear it certainly here it is so it's um 7 a.m uh it always starts with breathing um my partner had a book when we were expecting our first child about pain-free childbirth through better breathing and I've taken a lot of tips from that. I think it's like a very fine mist starts to come it's sort of like I would say it's like Tom and Jerry you know in the cartoons when they stand on the hose and there's like a bulge coming.

Oh, it's a fizzy one. Let's get the tools and fish that one out. Wow. OK. I mean, that's not a sound I'm ever going to forget. That was harrowing, and I've seen a video of a scientist being torn in half by a pack of super-strong Italian babies. Thank you. More after this. Hiring is challenging, but there's one place you can go where hiring is simple, fast and smart, Thank you. with the right experience and invites them to apply for your job. ZipRecruiter is so effective that four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate through

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Slash bear? Slash bee? Slash bear? Slash bear? Slash bear? Slash bear? Slash beef? Slash bear? I'm slash beef. ZipRecruiter.com. Slash beef. Hello, I hope you're enjoying the episode. I've just turned on the jacuzzi bubble function of my bath, and I have to say it's something I recommend if you do have a milk bath, but you can't leave it too long because you do begin to churn the milk into a sort of butter.

Ooh, it's got a bit of curd in my mouth. Anyway, back to the show. In Hull, as baby Talbot got older, Yvonne began having greater difficulty looking after him. By this point, he was huge. He was absolutely gigantic. I couldn't hold him, I couldn't control him anymore. Because we're talking about a baby that's what six seven foot tall at

this stage yeah rippling muscles tattoos a beard huge beard were people not saying hang on this talbot who you're introducing to us as your baby isn't a baby at all this is a man it's plain for everyone to see this is a this is a 40 year old. I just have to tell them the truth. This is my child. It might not be the most ordinary child, okay, but every child is different and unique and beautiful and Talbot, in his own super strong, frightening way, is just as beautiful as your tiny little toddler. People at the playgroups would complain.

So you'd take him along to the mother and baby groups, the nurseries? Absolutely. Of course I did. Of course I did. But we got thrown out. We managed two weeks and then we were out of there. He was picking up three, four babies at a time in one hand. It was chaos, but why should we not attend the mother and baby classes just because we're slightly different? I actually found it very offensive. Can you just paint a picture for me of how the afternoon would look at the mother and baby group?

In the church hall, there's a bubble machine. There's some finger painting going on in the corner. There's a woman called Liz who has ruined our friendship, actually, over Talbot. And she'd be hosting the sessions. She'd be getting the babies to do a little bit of dancing, would be singing some songs. It was not stimulating Talbot enough, so he had to find his own entertainment. He'd be there pulling up floorboards. And then on one occasion, he did tear a dog in half. Where was the dog from? The dog was the vicar's dog and it would often come in and the children would be introduced to the dog, they

would stroke it, it would be very nice and Talbot unfortunately didn't take well to the dog. He picked it up, he tore it straight in half, straight in the middle, bare hands, one twist. Nobody was very pleased about that. So we couldn't go back after that, which was a shame because he was having a lovely time. Do you feel like you were discriminated against because Talbot was different? We were discriminated against and I see their point. I see their side of things. Nobody wants their two-year-old child seeing a huge baby tearing a dog in half. I get it. I do get it, but it's unfair. Now, Talbot is no longer living with you.

When did things start going wrong? Between four and five months, Talbot grew to nine, ten feet tall and six, seven foot wide, and he needed more milk, more milk than I could give him, more milk than the milkman could give him, more milk than the county could give him. And it made him angry when he didn't get the milk he craved. And it made him angry when he didn't get the milk he craved. So he went on a rampage and ran off into the night. He'd grown too big for me.

I couldn't control him. I couldn't give him what he needed. He needs to be free. He needs to find his own milk now. And is that the last time you've seen Talbot? Apart from on the news, yes. I asked Martin whether he felt that his experience has overall been a positive or a negative one. I think from my point of view, it's been positive. I mean, it's helped me diversify my business. And also,

just physically, I think if you look at me, you can see all the benefits that are coming from my high milk lifestyle. Of of course according to the experts it's a catastrophically bad thing because all of my organs are failing they're sort of liquefying in my body and i apparently i'm weeks from death which i don't believe. They're liars. You don't believe? No, no. They've refused to give me a transplant unless I pledge to give up drinking up to 15 litres of milk a day. What would they be replacing in there then? Well, they're saying pretty much everything's got to come out now. There was one consultant who said it would be quicker and easier

to graft my head onto a new body but there's no way after the investment i've made into this one i'm going to give it up and i'm not going to stop they will prize that vass of milk from my cold dead fingers the nhs obviously we've we've run into this before this kind of thing they are not willing to help people i don't understand really what what their what their problem is um obviously we had a very similar thing with the much-loved entertainer les tree so i'm sure you're aware of yeah who obviously had so much yogurt they had a double heart attack had a heart attack and then had another heart attack at the same time and then had to have that heart replaced with 3 000 hummingbird

hearts and then fizzing away there like the clockwork heart of a tin soldier. Sure. Which helped him metabolise much faster. Is that right? Well, he's an unstoppable force these days. Sure. But obviously that work was done by Backstreet Vets. Yeah.

I'm sure you'd have come across these characters in your work as a dairy farmer. Is that something that you are considering if your your if your organs aren't are beginning to sort of sure well i have i have been putting out feelers about uh possibly getting uh a new liver from a calf and ideally an american one because i'm sure you know this and you know you can google this at home but in the states cattle are fed on chicken manure chicken carcasses and feathers feel free to google that but what that means is that their organs are really well adapted to eating proteins and stuff that you get in dairy milk so the point i want to make is rather than this being a replacement liver this would be a supplemental liver i see just on the side

exactly it would allow me failure permitting to actually step up production and so you'd have this auxiliary liver at your so it's on it's on the outside exactly and then you can just reach in and pluck it out and you don't have to go through the agony every morning of of pushing it oh so what the ball itself that you would create will now just come out of a little hole. Exactly. Like in the crystal maze when they've managed to complete the room. Sure. And it pops out. It would be exactly, yeah.

I mean, perhaps you could have some fun kind of attach a little bell to your ankle and when it falls out, ding-a-ling, and you know it's done. Something like that. I don't know. Do you think when you've done that, and that sounds like a really worthwhile thing to be doing, that you'll miss the old days of forcing it through a tiny hole in your penis?

I don't think so, because my genitals now resemble a dead squid. Ink included. Something. Well, thanks for talking to us, Martin. Okay. Best of luck with it all. Is it...

Are we done? Because I can feel one coming, so I'm, really? Yeah. Oh, should I come and watch? No.

This one's going to be horrific. Yeah, okay. Oh, your face is changing kind of already. Okay. He's fled the nest at only six months which is an amazing feat usually it takes parents

20 years to get their their children to a place where they feel like they can go free and live on their own if anything i've parented too well. I've loved too much. That's an interesting way of thinking of it. I hadn't thought of it that way. I kind of thought, and maybe other people will be thinking, it's not that you parented too well, it's that you sort of absolutely parented in the wrong way. Just let me say, it's scientific fact that milk makes babies stronger. If you don't want a strong baby, you're a bad parent. So I hear this a lot, oh, you've given your child too much milk. Well, let me tell you, you've not given your children enough. If all babies were this size, we would

be more prepared as a society. But no, people want to give dribs and drabs of this mucky breast milk to their children and raise these weak, measly humans. I just don't think I've done anything, anything wrong here at all. And neither has Kenny. Kenny Baritone, if you're listening, please just remember me when she passes. Please, just remember me when she passes. Now, if Kenny Baritone is listening, this might be the first time he's heard that he has got a son and he's also learning that his son is a huge nine-foot, some might say monster baby.

That is true. If Kenny's listening and bearing in mind that he's learning all this for the first time, do you have anything to say to him? Kenny, get in touch. I miss you. I love you. I want you. Let's see if we can raise this monster together. British culture and indeed kind of Western culture is very milk-based. And that's something that we celebrate here at the Beef and Dairy Network, and it's very much at the centre of the industry that we represent and cover. Learning that milk is potentially harmful

kind of throws a grenade right into the centre of what it is that we're doing here at the network. What would you say to those farmers out there who have dedicated their lives to the production of milk? Right. I have great respect for dairy farmers. I want to say that straight away. It's fine. Drinking milk is absolutely fine. We're talking about a very small number of people whose consumption of milk is, I'd say, an outlier in milk drinkers. Now, there'll be people listening to you, and my worry is that they have completely normal milk consumption, but will be worried that actually they're having too much and that maybe they'll be experiencing symptoms and all these things will happen to consumption. Right, yeah, yeah. But we'll be worried that actually they're having too much and that maybe they'll be experiencing symptoms and all these things will happen to them.

Now, I think it's important that we put this to bed. Let's think about a normal day. So let's think about my normal day and I'll just describe my milk consumption to you. You can tell me if I'm anywhere near the danger zone. So, okay, I wake up. I'll probably get a pint out of the mini fridge

next to my bed and then just chug that first thing. I'll get up. I'll have get a pint out of the mini fridge next to my bed and then just chug that first thing. I'll get up. I'll have a shower. I'll brush my teeth. I might have a bit of milk on my cereal. I'll be sipping a half pint of milk on the train on the way into work. Get into work.

I'll have a cup of tea with a bit of milk in it. Elevenses, obviously, we'll all have about a litre of milk each. Lunchtime, I'll have litre of milk each lunchtime I'll have a bit of milk with whatever I'm eating 3pm pint of milk

of course probably 4pm again actually probably a pint of milk bit of milk on the train home

get home open the fridge litre of milk then it's tea time I might have a milk soup sounds lovely I'll then have a bath often a milk bath bath, and I will drink some of it. I know you're not meant to, but who doesn't?

Can't resist. Then before bed, maybe a litre of milk. Then I go to bed and I'll wake up in the night probably twice, and more often than not, I'll go down to the kitchen and splash my face with milk, and then have a glass of milk. That sounds perfectly reasonable. I would say that's every day. Okay. Well, as soon as we're sharing, my day consists of, I wake up at 4am, I go downstairs, my landlady has usually put together a pitcher of milk and we share that milk. And then I'll go for a run and on my run, I'll have maybe an isotonic milk, something in a bottle there just to make sure I'm getting my milk while I'm running. I'll come back, shower, breakfast, milk, obviously.

Then the train milk. Then I'd say I'd have a milk around 10 o'clock if I'm sort of got a surgery day. At lunchtime, obviously milk. At four o'clock, I will admit sometimes me and my colleagues like to hang around the milk cooler and discuss the latest goings on in the medical world. Because it's social. It is. Exactly. That's the thing. There's a social cohesion that comes with milk drinking. And then maybe, yes, okay, after work, some of us might go down and have a few milks after work as well. Go to the milk bar. They go to the milk bar, have two or three milks. I mean, we say two or three, sometimes it turns into four or five. And then back home, roll into bed. And then like you say, maybe say two or three, sometimes it turns into four or five, and then back home, roll into bed, and then, like you say, maybe 2 and 3 a.m. you might wake up, go down and

have yourself some milk. But these are normal amounts of milk consumption. We shouldn't worry. So that's totally healthy. That's absolutely fine. We do need to remind them that milk is healthy, and actually cutting down on milk could actually have a detrimental effect on their health. Exactly. Chances are the amount of milk you're drinking is perfectly fine. Now, we've heard from a number of farmers in the East Yorkshire area who are saying that in the morning when they go in to milk the cows, they're already dry.

Yes. And I think we both know what's happened, don't we? There's been a bit of a campaign amongst some of the local farmers in your area to, not to put too fine a point on it, hunt him down and put a stop to this. They go out in these groups with their rifles and their dogs. What would you say to those people who think that he needs to be dealt with? Well, I would say if you encounter him, remember, first and foremost, he's a human being. Secondly, he's very young. He's an infant.

He's six months old. And yes, he might be sucking a cow dry in front of you. But if you think for one minute that your pitchforks and your bullets are going to stop him, you've got another thing coming. Do you think you, wee little farmer, is going to stop him? He'll swat you aside. He'll rip your limb from limb. There's absolutely no way that any of these idiots in the community are going to stop him. He's a force. He's an absolute whirlwind.

I'd like to see you try, actually. So my message for you in the community is if you think you can take him down, give it a try and I'll be laughing because you will not win against my massive baby. What about, let's imagine, five farmers, all of them armed with shotguns and dogs, and they set the dogs in him and they start firing with the shotguns. Do you think he could

weather that kind of attack? Do I think he could weather that kind of attack? He'd welcome it. He'd absolutely welcome it. He'd eat the dogs in front of them and the shotguns will barely tickle him. He won't feel it. Do you think I haven't tried a shotgun when he was three months old? Do you think I haven't tried that? Of course

I've tried that. Just bounced off him. Oh you you try and shoot him. You'd go for a headshot, he'd catch the bullets in his mouth and using his strong father's cheeks he'd blow it back at you and it would be more powerful than when you shot him in the first place thanks to martin carpet dr sam archer and yvonne sampson for those interviews if you would like to buy one of martin's perfectly spherical, smooth, cool, noble, shining stones, go to his website at www.specialclam.com. And if you are in the East Yorkshire area and do see baby Talbot, the local police there have asked that I tell you not to approach him and especially not to feed him any cow's milk. We simply don't know how big and powerful he could become. Right, hang on. Lovely stuff. So that's all we've got time for this month. But if you're after more beef and

dairy news, get over to our website now, where you can read all the usual stuff as well as our off-topic section where this month we try and fail to interview a jellyfish so until next time beef out Thanks to Jake Yap, Amy Gladhill and Tom Neenan. Also thanks to Martin Ostwick and Hélène Zaltzman for the bath assistance, and to Laura Grimshaw and Luke Doran from the BBC, who recorded the interview with me and Jake for a special programme at the Machynlleth Comedy Festival on BBC Radio 4 Extra.

And a reminder that we have a live show on the 1st of June at the Enderbelly Festival in London. I know I've mentioned that before already at the front of the podcast, but it's going to be great fun. It's the same show we did at McEntheth Comedy Festival a month ago. That was loads of fun. And thanks to everyone who came to that. So that's all. Until next time, sweet friends. Welcome back to Fireside Chat on KMAX. With me in studio to take your calls is the dopest duo on the West Coast, Oliver Wong and Morgan Rhodes. Go ahead, caller.

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talk about albums by Prince, Joni Mitchell, and so much more. Yo, what's that show called again? Heat Rocks, deep dives into hot records. Every Thursday on Maximum Fun. Hi, I'm Dave. Hi, I'm Graham. And we're two house DJs who have been trapped inside our drum machine.

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