Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 50 - Your Host's Fiftieth Episode

Episode Date: August 18, 2019

Mike Wozniak, Tom Crowley and Sian Harries join in for this episode which mark’s your host’s fiftieth in the host’s chair.   By Benjamin Partridge, Mike Wozniak, Tom Crowley and Sian Harries. Thanks to everyone who called the Beef And Dairy Network answerphone.   Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.com   Music:   “At Dawn” by Dana Boule (www.danaboule.com)   "Linen" "Daisy" "Cotton" "Ink" "Ginger" Podington Bear soundofpicture.com  

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Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved or just interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved or just interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website and printed magazine, brought to you by Granium Nutritional Sand. This episode is a very special one for me as it is my 50th at the helm as your host. And before we begin, I'd just like to thank everyone who has been so generous and sent in gifts. I've opened maybe half of them, and I have to say there's a bit of a theme emerging with the gifts, but let's open another one now and see. Yep, just another envelope full of gravy.

Can someone clean this, please? I should probably be opening these over the sink or something Right, here's another one How is it still this hot? Hot gravy! Reaching 50 episodes has made me think back to when I first took over as host and many of you will remember that in my second episode I reported the news of the disappearance of former Beef and Dairy Network editor Paul Kitesworthy. His socks and shoes were found next to a river, and it was assumed that he

had died. Of course, many still held out hope that he was still alive, and there were Kitesworthy sightings near Exeter train station, inside the Exeter branch of Pizza Express, and outside Exeter Cathedral. The working theory was that he was living in Exeter. However, it is with great sadness that I inform you that his body was found last week. When Paul first went missing, we all suspected the worst. Because he'd built up so many debts, he could be such a responsible person in so many ways, but he just wouldn't stop buying those little porcelain figurines, the ones you'd normally see in old folks' homes.

They just seemed to appear unbidden. Going into his house, it was like a menagerie of kittens wearing waistcoats and dogs in straw hats pushing wheelbarrows and babies doing grown-ups' jobs in adorable little lab coats and things. He'd borrowed so much money from some quite dangerous people, so of course we all assumed he'd been overwhelmed by it and called it a day, so to speak. My name is Detective Chief Inspector Dexter Whatley of the Homicide and Major Crime Command of the Metropolitan Police.

It was my first day at my new job running a murder squad in North London. A dog walker had called the station to say that they had found a body in Cherry Tree Wood in East Finchley. Hello. Dearie. Yes? Timothy, this way. Come on. I take the dog out every morning and, yes, it's not unusual for Timothy to find a body.

We've found quite a number of bodies, haven't we, boy? Haven't we? It's quite good, isn't it? Not good for much else, but very, very good at finding bodies. Between us, I mean, well, it's usually Timothy leading the charge, but he's found a vicar, a teacher, a gymnast. Some of them are murdered, yes, and some of them just seem to have given up, just walked into bushes and thought, there we are, that's enough. I'm going to lie down and die. I mean, little do they know that hours later they will be having their socks licked by a golden labrador called Timothy, who's a very naughty dog.

The public tends to assume that when a person is murdered, they're simply shot or stabbed or whatever it is, and simply left there as they are. That's really not the case. I would say that 95% of the time, murderers tend to be quite flamboyant types. They do like to leave calling cards. They will decorate the bodies, they'll position them, they'll daub them in Celtic runes or zodiac signs.

Playing cards are very common, poking out of every orifice that you can imagine. A common trait is to leave your murder victim in a position to make it look as if they've just finished the major finale set piece of an MGM musical. But when we got to this body, it was quite different. On this particular morning, it was quite unusual because Timothy just rushed into the undergrowth, as he does, but usually he comes straight out to show off, you know, to tell me, Mummy, I found a dead body. But this time he didn't at all.

I had to follow him in there. And I can tell you what we saw, what I saw, was very different to what I usually see. When the phone call came in, I wasn't surprised. Not at first, anyway. There was very little left of this victim. It was... It was disturbing. All that remained...

It was a body. Or at least it had once been a body. They'd only found his head, his lungs, his liver, and his anus. And an anus. Anus. venus venus venus venus venus venus it was here, actually.

Just this bit here. This is where I found it. And, oh, it was awful. I mean, disgusting. So shocking. Largely because Timothy had got his mouth around the arsehole and was just chewing it and chewing it and would not let go, like a chew toy.

It was disgusting. I could not get it off him. I was shouting. I was going, Timothy, please, that is a man's arsehole. Let it go, you naughty dog. So then I rang the police, naturally, as one would when you find a man's anus in the woods. The biggest challenge was getting the anus out of the dog's mouth. It had its maw firmly clamped over the external sphincter of the anus.

Luckily, I'm something of a dog person myself, and I happened to have with me a bag of dried bulls' dicks, so I was able to use that to distract the hound. Unfortunately, my detective sergeant didn't make a record of the bull's dick, and so it was incorporated into the crime scene, which caused some difficulties for the forensic team afterwards, and there was a bit of a hoo-ha in it. It did slow the investigation down, because elements of the team were looking for a man with a bull's penis, and you may remember that press conference.

a man with a bull's penis and you may remember that press conference. Identification was enormously problematic. The head itself was deeply battered. Obviously that meant that dental records were no use. Fingerprints you can't really use if you don't have fingers, obviously.

That meant it was all down to the anus. So we had to send the anus to Lyon, to Europol, where of course they have the ANO notification and analysis system, ANAS. And they were great actually, and they got back to us very quickly. They were able to identify with 99.999% certainty that the anus belonged to Paul Kitesworthy, or if not, then someone with an anus identical to Paul Kitesworthy, the chances of which are less than one in 400 million. Although we were certain that we had identified our victim, for legal reasons we were obliged to get the family to identify the body. So we called in Paul's brother.

So they asked me in to identify his anus in person, which was not a prospect I relished. But I thought, well, if this is what I have to do to get closure, then this is what I have to do for Paul and for the family, you understand. Of course, we didn't show him the head because the head looked like it had been trodden on by a dinosaur. And not one of the little sort of tiny springy little ones. I mean, one of the big old units. We're talking diplodocus.

Lungs and liver, these are of no use. You know, you've never seen your family's lungs or their liver. Of course you haven't. So the anus, it had to be. We made sure that the anus was in good condition, buffed it up, shined it up. They led me through the police station, down a long corridor, somewhere in the back of the building. And the last door on the left left I went through and there it was sitting on a silk cushion

was the anus. And I mean there was no doubt in my mind I'm his brother for God's sake I mean it was apparent that that was Paul's anus. He took one look at that anus and just fell to his knees and that was all the's anus. He took one look at that anus and just fell to his knees. And that was all the answer I needed.

And I was beside myself. I was an absolute wreck. I collapsed. I was screaming Paul's name. I don't remember much about it myself, but I was later informed by members of the conservatory that I was grabbing at the anus.

I knocked it from its silk perch I was trying to kiss it at one point attempting to perform CPR on the anus which of course would have served no purpose whatsoever it was just a disembodied anus but eventually the officers calmed me down with the use of a tranquilizer and I began to come to terms with the facts. This was Paul Zanus, and Paul was probably dead. I went to the funeral, of course, to pay my respects. I was very surprised to see that they had chosen to do an open casket. It looked very peculiar. It was all sort of spread out. They'd chosen a full-size casket, strangely, and sort of spread it along so it kind of looked like a sort of post-apocalyptic

buffet. Not helped in any way by the fact that someone had left a baguette in there as well. He's at rest now in the family mausoleum, the Kitesworthy crypt. We found a beautiful vase, porcelain, something I think Paul would have appreciated, and we pushed the bits that we had into that vase. And there he is. Our job as the police is obviously now to work out what happened. There's three major things you look at in a murder inquiry. There's motive, opportunity. The other one is, there's three things you look at in a murder inquiry,

motive, opportunity. Anyway, so we need to know who has done this and why. Obviously, there's a couple of lines of inquiry. Paul had accrued enormous debts, mostly through the purchase of ceramic figurines of animals, small ones, kind of sort of mantelpiece-type knick-knacks, as well as small ceramic models of children doing adults' jobs. You've got your vets, you've got your sailors, your plumber, your architect, little baby spaceman. You know the deal.

For me, the lead that's most promising so far is, of course, the current gang wars that are going on in the world of miniature ceramics, particularly in Antwerp at the moment. There's a lot of violence spilling out of there. The Kitesworthy crypt is an absolutely beautiful piece of architecture, and we take a lot of solace from paying our respects there. But I must urge anyone listening, if you are of a mind to pay your respects to Paul, I must warn you never to go there.

As we all know, the anus of a former editor of the Beef and Dairy Network is one of the choicest prizes that a grave robber could hope for. So as such, I have installed a set of incredibly elaborate and undetectable booby traps. And if anyone were to enter that mausoleum without having an incredibly in-depth knowledge of where these traps are and how they can be disarmed, they would be minced within seconds. I mean, you'd be pulped. You'd be nothing more than the cast-off offal being hosed off the floor of a butcher's shop. You would look like the bin at the back of a cosmetic surgeon's office.

You would be unrecognisable. You would be anonymous meat. I cannot stress that enough. We made a tactical error early on in that we, I mean, you always want the public to help with inquiries, but the lines, the appeals we put out at the beginning, we've just had a heap of nonsense. We've had people saying that he was into lamb. There's also been a lot of fifth meat conspiracy stuff, crazy stuff. He was eating a fifth meat that had fallen out of a spaceship. He was being pursued by some sort of demonic beast composed of fifth meat that he was fifth meat, that he had eaten a fifth meat bap, that he was a sacrificial victim in a meat henge. You know, it's a complete waste of time because, you know, every single time we get a tip off of any sort, no matter how strange we have to pursue it, it takes up time. And every single time I send one of my officers off from one of these fifth-meeting inquiries, they disappear.

Just to give you the merest idea, imagine you're trying to get into the crypt. You step across the threshold. Bang. There's already a blade in place, a guillotine that has already sliced the front of your left foot clean off. All right, and obviously you fall forward. Kablam! Out come the razors. Your head has been completely shaved. You even know what's going on. Then two darts fire out from opposite sides of the room

to puncture your eyes. You're completely blind. Shaven and blinded, screaming in the darkness. And the next thing that happens is that a huge spike goes up your backside. Then enormous saw blades descend from the ceiling and dice you like a fine salami sausage. Next, the bees, stinging your red raw meat. Would you feel it? I mean, I don't know.

Because at that point, you're just cubes of meat. Can a cube feel? I don't know. And then after the bees, the dogs. And finally, after the dogs, the horse. Now, the horse isn't part of the booby traps whatsoever. It's just a horse. I'm not sure how it got down there. What I do know is it's down there now, and the stairs are too steep for it to climb out again. So as far as I'm concerned, the horse is there permanently now. You probably won't be too concerned about the horse because you've already been diced by blades, eaten by dogs and stung by bees but you should still be aware that the horse will be down there and it's a rancid old nag. One doesn't like to boast but i do think in a small way what timothy and i are doing is quite

heroic you know because we are helping the community the police and also in finding that man's head lungs liver and anus we were keeping him together so to speak weren't we he could have been spread much further afield had a had a mouse come along and picked up his anus and scurried away with it, you know, under a floorboard or into a crack. That man's anus may never have been found. To be candid, I have a feeling at this point that we will never really, really know

exactly what happened to Paul Kitesworthy. To my frustration, we have had pressure from on high to let it go now, to assign it to the cold case unit and lock it away. I've spoken to the family and I've told them what I think happened. I hope that helps. And to offer some comfort,

I have told his mother that, you know, there is always the chance that he is out there somewhere living a happy life under a new identity, albeit without a head, lungs, liver or anus. And I think that did provide some comfort. Do you think that's possible, that he's still alive without a head or lungs or a liver or an anus

stranger things have happened really do you really think that no no no he's he's dead rest in beef paul rest in beef thanks to everyone who has sent in their condolences to the network this week. It's been a great source of succour for all of us working here. We've received so many cards and letters and we're still getting through the pile. In fact, why don't I

open one of them now? Gravy! Oh, such thick hot gravy! Oh! Get me some ointment! More after this. Hiring is challenging, but there's one place you can go where hiring is simple, fast and smart. That place is ZipRecruiter. ZipRecruiter sends your job to over 100 of the web's leading job boards, but they don't stop there. With their powerful matching technology, ZipRecruiter scans thousands of resumes to find people with the right experience

and invites them to apply for your job. ZipRecruiter is so effective that four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate through the site within the first day. And right now, network members can try ZipRecruiter for free at this exclusive web address, ziprecruiter.com slash beef. That's ziprecruiter.com slash b-e-e-f. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. And that web address again, ziprecruiter.com slash beef. Slash beef. Slash beef.

In a world where meat was banned, only one man could stand up to the state. Um, Glengerman. Is he mine? Oh my god, Slash Beef! That's right, I'm Slash Beef. Oh god. He's not, is he? He's not mine. What, Slash Beef?

He doesn't have any of my features. Oh my god, Slash Beef, what makes you say that? He doesn't seem any of my features. Oh my god, SlashBeef, what makes you say that? He doesn't seem to... enjoy beef. He's just a baby, SlashBeef! Okay. You promise? Let's not talk about this now, SlashBeef! SlashBeef?

SlashBeef? I'm SlashBeef. SuperCuda.com, SlashB. Slash beef. I'm slash beef. Supercuda.com slash beef. Now, looking back over the past 50 episodes, it has been fascinating to notice how much things have changed. For example, actor Philip Mushroom went from being a much-loved national treasure to a pariah, now serving jail time for impersonating a farm animal. Michael Banyan went from being a celebrated and internationally famous poet national treasure to a pariah now serving jail time for impersonating a farm animal.

Michael Banyan went from being a celebrated and internationally famous poet to a destitute shell of a man with a leather face in the colour of deep chestnut. Attitudes have also changed. Who thought we'd see a world where elected politicians are emboldened to eat lamb on the floor of a national legislature? And yet, here we are. Always keen to keep our finger on the floor of a national legislature. And yet, here we are. Always keen to keep our finger on the pulse of public attitudes, this month we invited network members to call the Beef and Dairy Network answer phone with their answer to the question, What's your favourite beef meal? What beef dishes are people eating as part of their everyday life? What is the nation's favourite?

Is it a classic beef wellington? A robust beef curry? Or is it an envelope full of hot gravy, freshly opened onto now burning hands? Ooooooh! Fuck! Here's just a selection of the messages we received. I'd have to say, of all the beef meals, my favourite would have to be rich beef sausages. Rich beef sausages.

Rich beef sausages. My favorite beef meal is by far rich beef sausages. Every day for every meal, I have rich beef sausages. Rich beef sausages. Rich beef sausages. Rich beef sausages. Rich beef sausages. For me personally, there's nothing better than curling up at the end of the day with a bedside bowl of rich beef sausages. I don't care what the doctors keep saying, I'll never give up my morning plate of rich beef sausages. Rich beef sausages. I once hiked from Mexico to Canada, my pack full only of water and rich beef sausages.

You know, sometimes in the middle of the day I find myself feeling a little unwell, and then I realize I just haven't had any rich beef sausages yet. Rich beef sausages. I just wouldn't be the same without rich beef sausages. Rich beef sausages. I just wouldn't be the same without rich beef sausages. Rich beef sausages. Oh, I could never turn down a rich beef sausage. Love rich beef sausages. If I had to choose a final meal before being executed, I think it'd have to be a piping hot plate of rich beef sausages. Nothing gets me squirrelly and do my happy dance faster than seeing my plate piled high with rich beef sausages. My favorite beef meal is rich beef sausages.

Hearty beef sausages. Salsic, quid, aidean Kawaii Thug. My favorite beef dish is rich beef sausages. I love the sausage with dense beef. Rich Jeremiah Beef Sausage Gula and the Jeeva Damana. Rich Beef Saus sausages are my life my favourite beef meal is I suppose it's not really a beef meal

at all actually it would be the fifth meat oh I wonder who that is hello hello hello I wonder who that is. I don't know. The fifth meet. Fifth meet. The fifth meet. The fifth meet.

The fifth fucking meet, mate. The fucking fifth meet. The fifth meet. The fifth meet. The fifth meet. The fifth meet. The fifth meet. The fifth meet. The fifth meet. The fifth mate. The fifth mate, fifth mate, fifth mate, fifth mate, fifth mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate,, but if you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to our website now, where you can read all the usual stuff,

as well as our off-topic section, where this month, we try to teach a honeybee how to use a 3D printer. So, until next time... Beef out. thanks to mike wozniak tom crowley and sean harris also everyone who called into the beef and dairy answer phone thank you and before you go and turn off the episode and listen to something else um i've got a few little things to say. You join me here in a flat in Edinburgh. I'm here for the Edinburgh Festival.

And I'm having a nice time. So what have I got to say? Oh, yes. First of all, there are still tickets left to Beef and Dairy Live at the London Podcast Festival on the 15th of September at, I believe, 2pm. It's going to be great. We're in a big, big room. So it'd be be nice to fill it thanks to everyone who's bought tickets so far

I'm really looking forward to it and if you want tickets go to beefanddairynetwork.com and there's a link there to tickets it's at King's Place in King's Cross and what fun it will be we have the use of a Steinway piano which I think is worth like £20 000 pounds so if you want

to see someone knocking out some nonsense about beef on that rarefied an instrument that's the place you can do it edit this is me later on i've just looked up exactly how much it's worth and knew it costs uh the model that they've got costs 140 000 pounds what secondly um check out tom crowley's podcast tom crowley was all the way through that episode and he's got his own podcast called crowley time c-r-o-w-l-e-y and um i'm featured somewhat in his most recent episode and it's basically a one-man sketch show that he does in his own and it's really brilliant so go and check that out and thirdly i just want to say if you don't mind on the occasion of this the 50th episode if you'd allow me to be

earnest for a moment i just want to say thanks very much for listening and thanks to everyone who's come on the podcast over 50 episodes sort Sort of can't believe I've made 50 episodes, but I'm still going. I'm going to keep going. It's such a pleasure. The biggest part of the fun is just all the people who are listening occasionally get in touch on Twitter and get involved with all the nonsense on there

and send emails, and you're just all nice, fun people, and I don't know, it's a nice way to spend my time. So thanks very much also the other thing i've realized after 50 episodes is kind of how hard it is to recommend the show to someone else i'll very often go on twitter and see people recommend i so cars on the table i will search the name beef and dairy network maybe once a week on twitter to see what people make of it edit if i'm honest actually every day and there'll often be someone trying to suggest it to a friend and them going okay yeah maybe and it's obviously not an easy one to

suggest but um i wondered if as a little present for me for the 50th episode uh maybe you could recommend it to a friend so go on twitter or facebook and or you know someone you know who likes comedy podcasts and maybe recommend it to them or another way of helping out is maybe write a review on itunes i mean not the fifth in the grand scheme of things 50 is no different to 49 is it but you know why don't we try and turn this into an opportunity to try and let people know about the podcast um you don't have to i just thought it might be nice it's a hard podcast to market to the world so many people think it's really about the beef and dairy industries who haven't heard it seriously

lots of people think that that's what it is uh and yeah huge thanks to you for listening and here's to another 50 episodes have a nice rest of august bye i'm riley smurl i'm sydney mcavoy and i'm taylor smurl and together we host a podcast called still buffering where we answer questions like, Why should I not fall asleep first at a slumber party? How do I be fleek? Is it okay to break up with someone using emojis? And sometimes we talk about butts.

No, we don't. Nope. Find out the answers to these important questions and many more on Still Buffering, a sister's guide to teens through the ages. I am a teenager. And I was too. Butts, butts, butts, butts, butts. No.

But you change your mind for too many times. Over and over again. Over and over again. If you want to make ends meet in a hip town, the kind with great coffee, lots of dog parks, you're gonna need a side hustle. In Brooklyn, maybe you drive rideshare. In Fairhaven, it's more like... Well, it's more like slaying psychic beasts with your custom-balanced throwing knives. Hey, are you from Hunter?

I guess so. Hold on, I have to ask you some stuff. Are you hurt? No. Do you feel yourself developing strange powers? I mean, it's all a ghost wants. Okay, I'm gonna put down no. Okay. So, you're having some sort of monster issue. Oh, um, it's like a pod, I guess?

Um, here it is. Is that what you call it? Like a pod? Yeah, pod works. Oh, um, it's like a pod, I guess? Um, here it is. Is that what you call it? Like a pod? Yeah, pod works. Oh, it's opening! Morgan leaps back and positions the metal spear she's been carrying on her back. She points it towards the bug, which swipes the spear away just as an electrical bolt fires from the tip. It hits the gate to a petting zoo and a bunch of baby goats come streaming out. Can we just take a moment to appreciate how cute this is? It's great. I hope someone's filming it. Oh my God. I just love baby goats. Bubble, the sci-fi comedy from MaximumFun.org.

Just open your podcast app and search for Bubble.