Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 58 - Organic Farming
Episode Date: April 20, 2020Humphrey Ker, Margaret Cabourn-Smith, Henry Paker, Tom Crowley, Gemma Arrowsmith and Tim Bick join in as we mark International Organic Farming Week. Including a poetry exclusive from Michael Banyan. ... By Benjamin Partridge, Humphrey Ker, Margaret Cabourn-Smith and Henry Paker. Thanks to Tom Crowley, Gemma Arrowsmith and Tim Bick. Tim Bick’s voiceover webpage is here: https://timbickvoiceover.co.uk Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.com
Transcript
Discussion (0)
The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is sponsored by Mitchell's Farm Supplies and International Organic Farming Week.
If it's not organic, get back in the truck.
We're using this opportunity to release a brand new product, Nature's Beak,
our new wholly organic animal feed made from 100% crushed up bird beaks.
There's no better feeling than being safe in the knowledge that your cows, pigs, and horses are getting back to nature and eating nothing but additive-free beaks.
For a free tester pack of Nature's Beak, wink at a crow and whisper, Mitchells.
Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website and printed magazine, brought to you by the new organic animal feed from Mitchell's, Nature's Beak.
This episode is also brought to you in association with International Organic Farming Week,
and so this month's edition is all about organic farming.
Later, we have a poem from former bovine poet laureate Michael Banyan,
but first, we grapple with the question, what is organic
farming? To find out, I spoke to the owner of a large organic turnip farm, Roland Fitzgerald,
or as he calls himself, the Hertfordshire Turnip King. The Fitzgerald family have farmed turnips
in Britain since they came over with the Norman Conquest. The earliest reference we can find to the family business is in 1067, very shortly after they came over with the conqueror.
And the founder of the farm was a man called Odo Fitzgerald, who is actually pictured on the
bio-tapestry, hurling a flaming turnip at an Anglo-Saxon warrior. He cuts a distinctive figure because he was extremely tall
by the standards of the day, at 5 foot 6,
which in that period he was one of the tallest men in Western Europe.
In return for his bravery during the Battle of Hastings,
he was given a vast swathe of land in Hertfordshire.
Since then, for the last 1,000 years or so,
the family tradition has been maintained and we have supplied turnips
to members of the royal family and to anyone else who was in need of turnip-based sucker.
I began my interview with Roland with a simple question. What is organic farming?
Well, I mean, I don't wish to blind everybody,
all your listeners, with too much science.
You know, there's a number of different factors
that go into determining whether or not something is organic.
But I think probably the clearest example,
as laid out by the guidelines of the European Union,
which we are still subject to, but not for much longer, I'm glad to say,
which is just really it's about how much
shite is spread onto the vegetables. So it all just comes down to shite?
Yes. And here's the science with Dr Jonathan Rainsbury.
Here's the science with Dr Jonathan Rainsbury.
Spreading faeces on plants makes them grow faster but at this stage nobody knows why
i'm afraid to say there are a number of people who purport to be organic farmers who are
you know for want of a better word charlatans really who are uh you know deploying their
vegetables to the supermarket shelves with
really a minimal amount of of shit on them uh what we do what we've always historically done
at fitzgerald farms is to um coat all of the seeds in in shit uh before we plant them so
really they the seeds are harvested and placed immediately into a large vat, which is filled to the brim
with effluents. And then those seeds are left to marinate in it for upwards of six months
before being planted at the next harvesting cycle. And really, we have found that the more shite,
the more flavour. And you spread the shite on, I believe, throughout the process.
That's right, yes, we keep basting.
A good basting of back passage goulash
every couple of weeks.
Yes, that's right.
We get through a huge amount of the stuff.
How much bum gravy do you need?
Well, we've worked out now
that we need about one metric tonne of shit
per turnip.
So that is, I mean, for us, we're producing probably something
close to the region of two to three hundred thousand turnips a year.
That's a lot of butt crumpets. Luckily, for the last few hundred years, the Fitzgerald family
have been able to rely on the nearby Scheidt shit farm currently run by beverly shite who join
me on the line with roland hello until the mid-20th century there used to be farms across the length
and breadth of this country that were dedicated solely to the production of the nourishing
biological biscuits that only a cow's ass can produce but with the rise of chemical fertilizers
the shite family shit farm is the only farm keeping the tradition alive. It's a dying art.
Obviously, any cow will pass cattle croutons occasionally, but do these cows produce more
dirty cake mix than another cow? If I had any cows that were just passing,
occasionally they would be fired. No, these cows, they are trained.
They are top of their game.
And if listeners are listening now and aren't aware of what you do,
I just want to make it very clear that you create,
let's not beat around the bush,
the highest quality special fudge in the business.
And that's for sure. Yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah and i don't have any
shame about that and i know some people really don't understand it people but i am
a farmer i am a farmer do you feel that other farmers and maybe um
underestimate me maybe roland can come in here do you feel that other farmers don't respect what
you do and don't think of it as farming?
Do you know, I mean, I'm very grateful
that you've sort of called on me here
because I have to say,
I've been slightly sort of sitting on my hands over here.
Given that, you know, I would say that I
and many other farmers view what Beverly does
with the greatest of respect,
with the greatest of respect is not greatest of respect is um not really farming
it's it's it's it's right you know what is it then well it's like um it's like you're working
in a fat in a factory or something it's like you're combining you know ingredients to make
another ingredient if you catch my meaning in a manner of speaking it is closer to cooking
than it is to farming.
So how do you feel about that, Beverly?
You're more of a kind of gravy chef.
I mean, I fail to see that there's any similarity at all.
Well, if you think about it,
you're putting ingredients,
you know, water and grass into a sort of pot,
if you will,
just a sort of one that walks around.
And then, you know,
something comes out the other end of it.
I mean, actually what you're doing is less.
You're coating a seed in shit
and putting it in the ground and waiting.
I mean, I don't see that there's any skill in that at all.
Right.
But I mean, then what comes out the other end is...
It's amazing.
I mean, no, yeah, you're right, you're right.
It's a miracle.
I grant you that.
I'm not not gonna sit here
and say anything against your turnips because they are ridiculous yeah yeah i think i'm the
bigger person here i think i have the moral high ground i don't i listen i don't think there's any
ground either way i think we can all agree to just disagree beverly when i visited your farm
a few years ago i don't know if you remember that I was taken
around by your uh your cousin Gwen we do we do have a lot of groups come around yes um it was a
lovely day out uh the kids loved it um especially that play area at the end which was um you know
very mucky but a lot of fun yeah um yeah we filled the slide up with with um substandard
shites and it certainly wasn't substandard from the point of view of lubric we fill the slide up with with um substandard shites and it certainly wasn't
substandard from the point of view of lubrication for the slide no absolutely absolutely that was
our first thought actually um when i was there what was interesting to me is that there were
bags there of food that you were feeding to the cattle yes some of which as far as i could tell
were turnips from roland's, which you were feeding the cows.
And it got me thinking about the kind of circle of life here,
because you are, as far as I'm aware, sending shite to farms like Roland's.
They then use that shite to create vegetables,
which you then feed to your cattle to create shite.
It's the circle of life, yeah.
Yes, but in a kind of more negative way of looking at it, in one way, yes, it's the circle of life yeah yes but in a kind of more negative way of looking at it you know in one way yes it's the circle of life in another way it's a kind of huge waste of
everyone's time and effort yeah yeah i mean um we don't we don't often let the cows that will
have been a treat for them those those turnips obviously i took the kids there for christmas
that's why we
were there yeah yeah yeah yeah so there will be you know the one of the cows dresses up as uh as
santa and um and we'll deliver some turnips to to the cows but no no that's not um that's not a
usual thing roland have you have you been down there for the the shitty christmas nights yeah
i have in the past.
You know, one thing that we should probably say is that for a long time,
Beverly and Beverly's family have been supplying my family's farm
with the shite that we use.
Hundreds of years.
Yes.
Hundreds, Roland.
For a long time, it has happened.
And then recently, things have gone in a different direction.
But yes, I used to go down and show my face, as it were.
It's always good to see and be seen at these sorts of things.
Can I just interject here?
Yes.
It feels like, I might be wrong here, but I'm picking up something between the two of you.
There's a little bit of animosity.
And something you just said, Roland, about until recently she was supplying you.
Yeah, I'd like to hear this, actually, Roland.
Yeah, very interesting.
Very interesting.
No animosity on my part, certainly.
I've got a lot of time for Beverly and her shit farm.
got a lot a lot of time for beverly and her shit farm um but um yeah i mean i'm afraid you know in the current climate um that it's become increasingly difficult to justify
uh the expense of transporting the shite um the the two or three hundred yards it is between Beverly's farm and mine.
And so, you know, recently I took the decision to change my supplier.
He's got his own herding.
Yes.
I mean, some of those cows you hadn't even met before you bought,
as far as I can make out.
Sorry, just to clarify what's happened here then.
You're saying, Beverly, that instead of buying the doodle dumplings from you, the quality that has been going on for 100
years, he's now got his own cows. Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Yes. Yes, that's right.
Roland, to help Beverly understand what's going on here, Has there ever been any problem with the quality of what she's
providing you? Well, listen, I'm not here to, you know, sling mud or shite for that matter. But
I will say that at times there have been some issues with the quality of the product that
we've received. You know, Beverly's producing, she's doing her best. She's been very brave,
You know, Beverly's producing, she's doing her best.
She's been very brave, especially since her husband died under those terrible circumstances.
She's been really jolly brave.
And I say died, maybe he'll turn up.
But, and...
He could still bob to the surface, Roland.
He could indeed, yes.
I mean, there's...
He's definitely in there.
Oh, yeah.
He's definitely in there.
Right, yes. Well, yeah, yes, exactly. He's in in there. Oh. He's definitely in there. Right, yes.
Well, yes, exactly.
He's in there somewhere.
And, you know, to be honest with you,
some of the stuff that we've been receiving recently,
I mean, I tend to crack every barrel of shite that we get
and I'll drop a big scoop in there
and just get a sense of what we've got.
And, you know, I tapped a couple of barrels last year and and
what came out i'm pretty sure was was not uh it was shite but not as i knew it jim uh if if you
will well sorry what are you and uh who what what sort of shite well you know what's the what's the
problem with it look i don't really think this is the forum for us to get into this. You think it wasn't a cow,
wasn't it? Well, I think, yes. I mean,
listen, I may not be an expert in shite,
but I can spot a dog's egg when I see one.
Right, okay.
Hang on, let me just interject here. That's a very
serious accusation to make, Rowan.
It's a very serious accusation. Well, like I said,
I would rather have done this off-air, but
if Beverly is determined to
air her dirty laundry,
then I will... I've got nothing to hide.
Okay, well, how about if we get someone down from DEFRA,
you know, get an inspector down from DEFRA
to crack some of these barrels and see what's in them?
Beverly, these are obviously...
I can't believe what I'm hearing here.
Well, I'll give you a chance to respond in a moment.
I just wanted to say,
on top of what Roland has already told us,
we have had some correspondence
through to the network
over recent months.
People have been buying
the gift baskets that you sell.
Yeah.
The brown porridge breakfasts.
Yes, very high quality products.
Sure, and over Christmas,
I know those fly off the shelves.
We have a letter here
from a woman from Newcastle called Mrs. Davis,
who says that she believes that some of the shites that she received in the gift hamper was of human origin.
Right.
Right.
Well, what I would say to her is, do you think that cow's shite is better than human because it you know it depends
on the human obviously wow but wow but some humans i mean do you think some humans can can hold a
candle to a cow's ass obviously don't do that literally no it's very dangerous but i i think that some some humans aspire to it and
that maybe some humans when they're a little bit drunk and lonely might just to see just to see
what it would be like beverly to get involved beverly have you been defecating in my barrels? I've been. I've been.
I have not.
I've not been near your barrels.
But I do sometimes go and join the cows.
Oh, gosh.
At night.
And when it is gathered later.
I mean, for all I know, the dogs have been doing it as well.
Because those cows are those dogs' heroes.
They really are. They look up to them.
I don't know if those.
They really are. They look up to them. I don't know if those, they really do.
And so if those dogs,
you know,
they might want to join.
So you're announcing
there could be dog,
so the dog's eggs.
It's a tribute,
is what I'm saying.
If it is in there,
it's a way,
it's an homage.
So, you know,
it's an honour for them,
for them,
for anyone,
dog or human.
So you're saying,
you're saying, Beverly, that Roland should feel honoured
that some of the faeces he's received
isn't the cow shit that he thought he was getting?
Yeah, I think it is an honour.
I mean, and I think he is a Judas, frankly.
I mean, famously, of course,
Jesus Christ did defecate into the wine that he gave Judas.
Oh, there's no need to be like that.
Well, exactly. Exactly. You see how absurd and offensive that is to say.
And I refute the title of Judas. You know, I have to protect my business.
Your herds are idiots. I know this. How do you know this? I've seen them. You think
that the quality that they're going to produce isn't going to be as high as yours, Beverly?
No, absolutely. I guarantee you. I've been down there. I've been at the fence shouting at them,
you know, just to see what their reaction is. They're thick. I will say, and I will hold my
hands up and say that thus far uh the herd despite
having been in place for four or five weeks now at this stage has yet to pass anything uh and
they're just steadily getting larger and larger uh and uh increasingly unwell but too thick to
shit i am confident you feel embarrassed now i am confident that given time, we can iron out the kinks in our system.
I'm not even sure they are cows.
I think you may have been duped.
That's, I mean, that's a ridiculous, ridiculous suggestion.
I've never heard of a cow too thick to shit.
Well, I'm sure they're just taking their time.
Perhaps if they didn't have a local murderer,
potentially.
Oh!
Yes, I said it.
I'm Carol Baskin, am I?
We've all been thinking...
You think I'm Carol Baskin?
Your husband disappeared
under strange circumstances
and has never been seen again.
And you inherited
millions of pounds
and then spent it on
filling that farm
with various defecating animals so
suffice to say that i am i imagine that my cows are probably pretty put off by having you coming
and shouting over the fence of them i think that some of those cows not all of them but some of
them are probably actors oh for god's sake no i you've you've seen them i know you have it's happened to other people now roland
now roland you you you'll be aware that the test to see if a cow is an actor is you prod it in the
side and obviously if it sings it's an actor have you tried the prod test yes of course i i did know
about that test because i'm i'm uh i i i you know i know what i'm doing. Yeah, yeah. Suddenly a cow expert.
It's the oldest trick in the book.
I allowed you to refute the allegations
that you murdered your husband,
which I don't think you did particularly well.
Nobody cares.
Nobody cares if I did.
Suffice to say,
while I've not prodded any of my cows,
I really haven't needed to because,
you know, they all look exactly like cows are supposed to look. They have big googly eyes and the big eyelashes and they all have what looks to be a sort of a flower of some kind
sewn between their lips. Answer me this, Roland. So that's what cows answer me this yes do they have
anuses okay because surely that is something you would check like immediately listen beverly i
can't go around checking that every body and every creature that crossed my path has an anus i i'd be
busy morning noon and night so i've not checked i assume that they have anuses um and i think i should probably
go and check that i mean roland from a neutral perspective here yes you sound like a hopelessly
naive amateur shit farmer well i mean like i say turnips really turnips is where i'm on my a game
yeah you should have stuck to your turnips that Well. Not put me out of business.
Well, I mean, in retrospect, was it hasty?
I don't know. But, I mean, I suppose I would ask the listeners to consider how they would feel
if they broke open a barrel of premium bum stuff and inside what they found was,
you know, a couple of nasties from the home court.
Very nice dog.
Here's the science with Dr Jonathan Rainsbury.
On average, dogs defecate twice a day.
Unfortunately, at this stage, nobody knows why.
Beverly, how has this affected business for you obviously um how the f**k do you
think i mean i've got a warehouse full of shit and which i cannot shift because i know that you
still sell quite a lot of shit to prince andrew oh lovely andy no yeah he would never he would
never let me down it's a sort of it's a bit of a mystery what he's doing with it but he
assures it's all it's all legit and I mean one thing I will say he does know how to enjoy himself
so as long as he's enjoying himself with it uh I'm I'm very happy and we've also been um you know
we have been trying to diversify we've been doing a sort of pick your own shit festival, which hasn't gone down as well as I would have hoped.
But the Christmas market, see the artisanal stuff, you know.
Do you know the little poo emoji?
We've got a mould that makes those.
So the idea is you buy a real life emoji
and I'm hoping that that will take off.
Well, I wish you all the best with that, Beverly.
Roland, this isn't how I planned this interview to go.
I didn't quite realize there was this amount of animosity between the two of you.
And it's hard to listen to, I'll be honest,
because it seems like this relationship that's gone back hundreds of years, really,
is in this parlous
state is there anything that can be done do you think to to fix this this broken relationship
well i'll be honest with you it would be very difficult at this stage i mean i have made and
we've skipped over some of the uh the the real details of this the breakdown of this relationship
i first uh petitioned beverly for her to allow me to inspect her anus
daily to ensure that none of uh her leavings had made their way into my my business and uh
as i said there are there sorry i'll stop you there how would how would inspecting her anus
give you the information you needed to know whether any of her you know god's marmalade
had made its way into the barrels i think we'd'd be, well, then we'd be able to know
like when it was last used
and whether there was any danger
that there had been excessive usage of her anus.
You know, whether that had worked its way
into any of our business.
I mean, add to that the fact that
she has been shouting at my cows,
irrespective of whether they're actors or not.
I don't think that that's really the sort of behaviour
that one would like to expect from a supplier.
She definitely murdered her husband, Roy,
who was a really, a singularly dull man,
but very reliable.
And just because you're boring
doesn't mean you should be murdered.
And I think that's enough.
I mean, I really, I can't quite work out
how I could work my way back into the good
graces of someone like that and have her work her way back into mine i don't want your good graces
do you know that i've sat and i've listened to your hoity-toity it's always gonna say shit but
over the over the i'm not even saying jealousy my shit you're you're i'm not even gonna use the
word shit about your nonsense.
It's not worth it.
It doesn't deserve that.
My shit doesn't deserve any of this.
Screw you.
I don't even want to try anymore.
I'm glad my business is over.
It's... Yeah, good.
Me too.
Me too.
It's the politics of envy.
I mean, you heard it there.
It's all about class with these people.
F*** you. Wow. Well. I mean, you heard it there. It's all about class with these people. F*** you!
Wow. Well, I mean, you heard it. You heard it there, clear as day.
Well, I don't know if you're still there, Beverly, but Roland, thank you so much for speaking to me.
And to you.
I expect this will run and run, but I wish you all the best.
And I'll be in touch about making a turnip order
because, gosh, they're lovely.
They really are.
The only turnips I found that you can just eat like an apple.
Really refreshing.
Yes, yeah, they've got that crisp skin and so juicy.
A big thanks to Beverly and Roland for that interview.
More after these ads.
Imagine.
After a long day, you lower yourself into a hot bath
and bite down into a cool, crunchy turnip.
Mmm.
Imagine.
You're with the whole family, brought together around a table, gorging on a big bag of turnips.
The turnip juice running down their chins.
Stains and memories that will last a lifetime.
Mmm.
Imagine under a hail of incoming arrows, you hurl a flaming turnip right into the face of a marauding Anglo-Saxon warrior.
Got him.
Imagine, the victorious army discard their armor and surrender themselves to the cool taste of crunchy fresh turnips.
The Normans and their children will rule this island forever.
What a gorgeous turnip. Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, for that signature organic flavour. Oh my God, this turnip!
When your animals eat Nature's Beak,
our new organic animal feed made from 100% crushed up bird beaks,
will they absorb the power of the birds and be able to fly?
No.
But will they be happy and full of beaks?
Absolutely.
For a free tester pack of Nature's Beak,
corner a duck and bellow. Mitchells!
Now, as promised, it's time for a poem from the former bovine poet laureate, Michael Banyan.
When I told him this month's episode would be about organic farming, he said that he had the perfect thing, a hitherto unpublished poem that he wrote many years ago.
So I wrote this poem after a walk in the country with a friend of mine at the time, Jonathan Franzen, who was going through a very rough patch at the time.
I remember he'd bought a nightclub and had moved in.
They bought a nightclub and had moved in.
He was living inside a fully operational 24-7 nightclub,
played very, very loud, very disturbing music,
and attracted quite a rough crowd. So Franzen was really, really quite badly degraded at this time.
I remember he wore a very tight T-shirt, very small t-shirt with the arms roughly
scissored off and just a towel around his waist. Yes, I remember he got it into his head that he
could only eat yoghurt and nutmeg. That was all he ate. And it was quite a disturbing sight. He
would put a nutmeg into his mouth whole and then down a carton of yogurt and sort of reverse gag it backwards down his throat. It was a truly very disturbing period.
But I decided as a friend to help him out. I thought a walk in the country would do him a
lot of good. It's fresh air and just to rethink things. So yes, I prepared quite a detailed plan
for us. I had
maps and compasses and so on. But within minutes, Franzen, of course, disappeared,
just without a trace. And I found out later that he managed to drink all the oil in a tractor
and somehow crawled into a rabbit hutch, I believe, and slept there for a week.
And somehow crawled into a rabbit hutch, I believe, and slept there for a week.
But I decided to carry on without him.
And I walked into this field and I remember it was absolutely full of cow shit.
There was shit absolutely everywhere.
There was these large, hefty sort of saucers of turds all around me.
And I stood in one.
And I remember feeling really quite overwhelmed by this experience.
I'd actually never stood in cow shit before.
And it was really something quite profound for me.
I felt connected to the turd.
I felt connected to all the turds in that field. I felt connected to all the turds in the country.
And I really felt the um the nobility
of these of these things their gentle majesty their their quiet grace i then went on to do
something which um which is is i still don't really understand to this day and in a way the
poem is my effort to understand what I did.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy this poem.
It's called Ode to Cow Shit.
As I walked across a moor, a squelching clenched my boot.
I looked straight down and there I saw your sweetly reeking fruit.
I glanced across the boggy field and all around my feet were lumps of anal wreckages,
a stricken, stinking fleet.
A shitty armada of arse-made pies,
you opened up my eyes.
Turds of every shade, from brown to darkest brown,
were gloriously displayed.
The full spectrum of a cow's rectum,
you plucked my soul with your smelly plectrum. Arse-born children, your fate to pass from colon
warm to chilly grass. No cake to celebrate your birth or doctor measuring your girth,
just left a grassy welcome mat to mark the spot where you were shat. But I salute your chunky lumps,
kiss the hem of your funky clumps,
and raise a shit-stained flag to thee,
O stinking wheels of rectal brie.
Noble envoy of the bowel,
priceless jewel upon my trowel,
your status is a travesty,
belies your putrid majesty,
viscus discus, sh shut down from Mount Olympus.
And then, without a moment's thought, my hands they journeyed south.
Back up they came with foulest pie, which I shoveled in my mouth.
A rotting snack, squalid feast, a rancid celebration.
What have I done? I thought to myself, quickly puked,
and walked back to the
station.
Thank you to Michael Banyan for that wonderful poem,
and also to Sir Edward Elgar, who composed the music specially,
somehow knowing that it would be used for this specific purpose,
84 years after his death.
Amazing.
So, that's all we've got time for this month, but if you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to our website now,
where you can read all the usual stuff, as well as our off-topic section,
which this month is a printout and keep guide to the birds you might see in your garden this spring,
and what they think of you.
So, until next time, beef out.
Thanks to Humphrey Carr, Margaret Cabon-Smith,
Henry Packer, Tom Crowley, Gemma Arrowsmith and Tim Bick.
Here's the science with Dr. Jonathan Rainsbury.
There is some sort of force which seems to stick us and everything else on Earth to the ground.
At this stage, we just don't know what it is.
Welcome back to Fireside Chat on KMAX.
With me in studio to take your calls is the dopest duo on the West Coast, Oliver Wong and Morgan Rhodes.
Go ahead, caller.
Hey, I'm looking for a music podcast that's insightful and thoughtful, but also helps me discover artists and albums that I've never heard of.
Yeah, man, sounds like you need to listen to Heat Rocks. Every week, myself and I'm Morganold and my co-host here, Oliver Wong, talk to influential guests
about a canonical album
that has changed their lives.
Guests like Moby,
Open Mic Eagle,
talk about albums
by Prince,
Joni Mitchell,
and so much more.
Yo,
what's that show called again?
Heat Rocks,
deep dives into hot records.
Every Thursday
on Maximum Fun.
Hey, MaxFun listeners.
Have you been listening to MaxFun for a while and you've just been wondering,
where's the new Flat Earth podcast I keep hearing about?
Well, here it is.
We give you all the facts on NASA's lies and how we know that the Earth is actually flat.
Just kidding.
This is Ono, Ross, and Carrie, and we join fringe religious groups.
We undergo alternative medical treatments.
And we hang out with people like 9-11 truthers, flat earthers.
We find out why do people believe strange things.
We join them, and we tell you all about it.
We have a lot of fun.
We make a lot of friends.
Yeah, we do.
We joined the Mormons.
We joined the Scientologists.
We got acupunctured.
We got fire cupped.
We got ear kindled.
We've done it all and we're gonna
keep doing it all. Why don't you check out
Ono, Ross, and Carrie at MaximumFun.org
MaximumFun.org
Comedy and Culture
Artist Owned. Audience Supported.