Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 72 - Paul Bowfin

Episode Date: June 20, 2021

Adam Courting, Gemma Arrowsmith, Tom Crowley, Stefan Ashton Frank, Hal Lublin, Linnea Sage, Mike Wozniak and Dave Cribb join in this month as we learn about the future of genetically modified meat animals. Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.com

The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is sponsored by Oxenstrap, the new multi-purpose cattle harness from Mitchells. If it's not Mitchells, get back in the truck. Oxenstrap has so many uses. Harness your herd to take them for a walk in a busy urban area. Or in the event of a flood, use Oxenstrap to suspend your livestock safely from a barn ceiling. For 10% off any of the Oxenst strap range, visit our website and use the code WHERE THERE'S BEEF, THERE'S LEATHER. Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved

or just interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website and printed magazine, brought to you by Oxenstrap. Now, when I say genetic modification, you'll probably think of those famous photographs of a mouse with a human ear growing on its back, or a horse with guns instead of legs. But lobbying group UKGM Livestock Go want to rehabilitate the image of GM in the UK, and say that it is the key to better meat products in the future. Hello, I'm Paul Bowfin. I'm a spokesperson for UK GM Livestock Go. I spoke to Paul Beaufin earlier this month and started by asking him about what GM really means.

GM is about taking some of the ideas that we've had about the limitations of meat, and it's about infusing that with the creativity to rethink how we see meat, how we consume it and what it can do for us. Okay, well, it's time to go to an ad. So more from you after this. Sure. If you're a business owner who's hiring, you probably face a lot of challenges when it comes to finding the right person for your role. Maybe there are not enough applicants with the right skills or experience, or you've received too many resumes to sort through, yet you need to hire ASAP. That's why hiring can feel like trying to find a needle in a haystack. When you post a job on ZipRecruiter,

their matching technology finds these qualified candidates for you and invites them to apply. So while other companies give you too many options, ZipRecruiter finds you that needle in the haystack. And right now you can try ZipRecruiter for free at this web address, ziprecruiter.com slash beef. That's ziprecruiter.com slash b-e-e-f. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. And that web address once more, ziprecruiter.com slash beef. Slash beef. Slash beef. Darling, I've got some bad news. What is it, love?

They haven't discontinued the cool ranch flavour of Doritos, have they? No, no, it's not that, thank God. It's not that bad. But it is bad. Spit it out. I've lost my job. Oh, Quentin! They said they had to make redundancies and that I had been chosen because, to use their exact words,

I'm too cheerful and that makes everyone else in the office feel like shit. Well, I'm not cheerful now! It's okay. You can get another job. You can visit ziprecruiter.com slash beef. Slash beef? Slash beef. Who's going to employ me? My best years are behind me. I'm past it.

Face it, I'm washed up. What are we going to do? Look, at least we've got the family meat to fall back on. Shh. Don't use that word. Don't. Not that one. Worry. Not that one.

At. Not that one. Least. Not that one. Weorry. Not that one. At. Not that one. Least. Not that one. Weave. Not that one. Got. Not that one.

The. Not that one. Family. Not that one. Meet. Shh! The patriarch has ears everywhere. If the government finds out we still have M-E-A-T in the house, the only Doritos you'll be eating will be the Doritos at your funeral,

and you won't be eating them because you'll be dead. Okay, but surely we can eat a little bit of the M-E-A-T. Come on, just a bit. Let's eat some seriously old meat. All right. I'll open the meat chest. Oh, God. Oh, God, no.

What? What is it? Someone's... Someone's taken the family meat! No, no, no, no. What? What is it? Someone's, someone's taken the family meat. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. In a world where meat is banned, only one man can stand up to the state. And that man is Slash Beef. Thank you. In a dark alley, deep in the belly of the city... Oh my God! They've taken my family meat! Somebody stop them!

Stop your crying, lady! Just hand over the meat and no one needs to get hurt. Did somebody say beef? No. I did say meat. Well, there you go. Oh my god, slash B.

Slash beef? That's right. I am slash beef. Slash beef? Slash B? Slash B? Slash B? Slash B? Slash B? Slash Man? Slash Bee? Slash Bee? Slash Man? Slash Bee? Slash Bee? Slash Man?

Slaboo? Slash Bee? Slash Bee? Slaboo? Slaboo? Slaboo? Slash Bee? Slaboo?

That's right. I am Slash Beef. So what are you gonna do, Slash Beef? I don't know. You guys usually run away when I arrive, in fear of your life. I know, but me and the other henchmen got to thinking, and well, you aren't physically imposing. You never seem to carry a weapon. Do you have superpowers or something? No, but I have been spending a lot of time at the gym. Oh yeah? Doing what? Sitting in the steam room?

I do actually like the steam room. Oh my god, Slash Beef, do something! Stay still, you dumb broad! Get your hands off her, you brute! This woman is my wife. Sure, our relationship has been strained since the government took away our beloved baby, Glengerman. Glengerman! But if you harm a hair on her head, I

swear I'll weigh your balls as tassels on my cape. Whatever, beef man. Don't worry. I won't touch your hair. Now time for a gift from the patriarch. Oh my god! A gift!

Oh, you were saying gift ironically. I'm outta here! The henchman's laser had torn through her body with the merciless zeal of a wild hog ruining a family picnic. No! He shot me, Slash! My beautiful, very strange wife! I feel so cold, Slash!

Oh God, what can I do? Call an ambulance! very strange wife. I feel so cold, Slash. Oh, God. What can I do? Call an ambulance. There isn't room for a cell phone in my costume. You fucking idiot. I also thought it would be a good idea to unplug a bit from my phone. You know how I got addicted to Pinterest. Slash, please.

I'm dying. No. Slash, my final wish. Please get our son Glengerman back from the government. Will you do that for me? Of course, my love. I love you, Slashbeef. Slashbeef? Slashbeef?

Slashbeef? Slashbeef? Slashbeef? Slash... No. No. No. I'm Slash Smith. As she died in his arms, Slash realized that finally the patriarch had taken everything from him. His son, Glengerman, and now his wife. Slash had nothing to lose. It was time to call an old friend.

They had nothing to lose. It was time to call an old friend. Hello, Greasy Hinges Heritage Box Solutions, the antique wooden box people. Cedric speaking. Gravy, is that you? It's me, Slash Beef. Slash Beef? Slash Beef. Slash Beef? Slash Beef? Slash Beef?

That's right, I'm Slash Beef. I need you, Gravy. Don't call me that. I've not gone by that name in over ten years. I'm just Cedric now. Why don't we make it like the old days? Slash Beef and Gravy, back together. You know I don't do that stuff anymore. I lovingly restore antique wooden boxes,

whether that be a decorative cigar box once owned by a favorite grandfather, or a music box with a creepy ballerina inside. I want you to help me lovingly restore my son, Glengerman, back into my arms. They took your son? Glengerman meant everything to me. Every night, I would hold him in my arms and sing him this song. Baby beef, no matter where I am, you're my baby beef. My beefy little man, no matter if you're small or scared And shaking like a leaf I'll always be there for you Baby Beef

Baby Beef I'll always be your dad You're my Baby Beef My beefy little lad. You're the greatest boy that ever lived, that is my belief. I'll always be there for you, baby beef. Baby Beef Oh, Glengerman. That's a beautiful song.

For a beautiful baby beef. So, what do you say, Gravy? I'm sorry, Slash. What can I say? I'm busy. I have a three-week backlog of box restorations, and I'm expecting a big delivery of mahogany any day now. They killed my wife, Gravy. They killed my wife, and they took my Glengerman. I'm sorry, Slash. I am.

But even if I could help you, how are you going to get him back? It would be impossible. I'm going to storm the Imperial Palace. But I can't do it alone. After all these years, they've finally worked out my one weakness. My complete lack of physical prowess, special powers, or incredible technology. That kind of seems like three weaknesses. So what do you say, gravy? Call me Cedric. Cedric Bottlegate Box Restorer. The Cedric I knew is dead.

Don't talk to me like that, Eric. I've saved your life more times than you've been to Europe on vacation. And I know you've been to Malta twice. That's an odd way of saying that. Listen, I won't come with you, but I will help you. Last week, a mysterious man came into the shop with a cat's head for a head and cat's heads for arms.

That seems pretty impractical. He gave me an old cedar wood box to restore. So was he carrying it with his cat head arms or what? It was in a pouch. Anyway, inside I found the final sacred paradox crystal. One of the eight sacred paradox crystals, which when placed into the Enigma Crown, would allow me to summon the other members of the Meat Squad, our old confederacy of meat-focused superheroes,

which was cast to the seven winds by the Patriarch? That's the one. I need that crystal gravy. Okay, I'll FedEx it to you. Thank you. It'll take between three and five working days. I'll email you the tracking number. If you're not at home when it arrives,

you might have to go to the depot to pick it up. Or I think you can arrange a re-delivery online. I don't know. I'm an old box guy, not a computer guy. Thank you, Gravy. And if I die, maybe you can make me a nice coffin. Well, only if you provided me with a coffin in the first place. I only restore boxes. I don't make them from scratch. It also depends on whether the hinges need replacing because there's been a delay with my supplier in China. Also, as I've said,

I've got a backlog of restorations that things have really picked up since I set up my LinkedIn, so it could be a few weeks before I get around to it. It could hold up the funeral, potentially. Just saying. Right. Okay, bye. Bye. Three to five working days later. Bye. Bye. Three to five working days later. The thing is, I think I actually was at my home when the mailman came. I strongly suspect that he didn't even knock on the door and just left this slip of paper in my mailbox.

Okay. And then I tried to do a re-delivery on the website, and then it didn't arrive. And for added context, every day I don't have my parcel is another day that my son Glengerman is in the hands of a despotic administration that is hell-bent on destroying everything that we hold dear as a nation. Anyway, it said I could get it here at the depot. Okay, what's the name, please? I'm Slash Beef. Excuse me? Sorry, Eric Fungerson.

Okay, Mr. Fungerson, let me just go and have a look for you. Okay. Remember, meat is banned, and the penalty is death. Here you go. One parcel for Mr. Fungerson. This radio station, it's awful. Didn't you hear? The government's taken over all the radio stations.

It's all like this now. This is a message from me, your dear leader, the Patriarch. I am very pleased to announce that after tireless work by my administration, the price of cool ranch Doritos has come down for the 16th month in a row. It's not just the despotic messages. Why is the music so bad? Ugh, you're right. This music is terrible. Well,

let's just say that with this parcel, you might not have to listen to that music for much longer. Oh. Is it a musical instrument? Please don't play it here if it's brass. I went to my little cousin's trombone recital last year and he played the brown note. Do you know what the brown note is?

No, it's not a trombone. It's the final sacred paradox crystal. When I assemble the eight sacred crystals and place them into the Enigma Crown, I can finally assemble the Meat Squad. Okay. Is assembling the Meat Squad a euphemism? Because you wouldn't believe what people feel they can do in here. I've waited 20 years to be reunited with my meaty brethren.

Meat Squad, assemble! And so as Slash placed the Paradox Crystals into the Enigma Crown, bright lights of all colors burst from his eyes. A great wind shook the room, sending reasonably priced stationary supplies in every direction. And then, one by one, they began to arrive. My old friend, Porkknuckle. Porkknuckle, at your service The Bacon Brothers

Bacon Brothers Keep it crispy Proscudo Pete Thinly sliced, baby Mrs. Mince I'm here to chew gum, carve small wooden animals, drop off my dry cleaning, make a delicious mustard salad dressing, and kick ass. And I'm all out of bubblegum, wood, clothes, and mustard. Sausage. Sausage. Hotel breakfast. Hotel breakfast. Checking in. Duck bastard. I'm Duck Bastard and I'm handing you the bill

And finally Goat Boy With our combined powers the patriarch and his government goons are no match for us Whoa, can I join your meat team or whatever? How about no?

Yeah, well, my mom said I never amount to anything, and I guess she was right. I'll always just be a stamp slinger. In the dead of the night, our intrepid heroes made their way into the Imperial Palace. Set high on a clifftop swathed in bats and other ominous flying mammals, they expected the Patriarch's lair to be crawling with armed guards. But there was nothing. Does anyone else think it's strange that there are no guards here? Don't worry, duck bastard.

It's pure arrogance. They don't know I've assembled the meat squad. They're about to get the shock of their lives. Now, let's find Glengerman and get out of here. What does Glengerman look like? Well, uh, just like a, kind of like a baby, I guess. What if there's more than one baby? Would you definitely be able to pick out Glengerman? Of course!

What if there are 500 babies? What about then? Okay, maybe not then, but I think in that situation, we just take a baby, and I call it Glengerman. And from there on in, that baby is Glengerman. That's pretty weird. Where's Gravy? Gravy couldn't make it. Sausage. Shh, someone's coming.

The Patriarch. And there he was, the man who had stolen Slash Beef's son, ordered the killing of his wife, and conspired to steal the world's meat. The Prince of Darkness, the Baron of Badness, the Duke of Destruction, the Field Marshal of Theloniousness. Hello, Eric. the Duke of Destruction, the Field Marshal of Theloniousness. Hello, Eric. Oh, sorry. I should say...

Slash Beef. Slash Beef. Slash Beef. Slash Beef. Slash Beef. Slash Beef. Slash Beef. I'm Slash Beef.

So you are. And you brought all your little friends to see me. Guards! Guards emerge from the shadows, their laser blasters giving off a gentle red glow, like a television on standby. You see, we aren't scared of you anymore, Slashbeef. We've realized that there's nothing special about any of you. You're just people in ridiculous suits. You don't even have any special powers. You're not even physically fit.

Look at the Bacon Brothers. They're spilling out of their leotards. Hey! What about a bit of body positivity, dude? The leotards are just part of the look, bro. They're like a leotard that a seven-year-old girl would wear to a ballet lesson. All of you, you're just a bunch of washed-up nobodies.

For years I was worried about what you might do, but you're just a bunch of losers. Sure, you know my weakness. But what you haven't considered is my strength. Or should I say, our strength. Teamwork. All your teamwork has done is make you fall straight into my trap By assembling the meat squad in one place There is no one out there protecting the pathetic citizens of the city While you're all here, my henchmen are out there

Taking what is left of the citizens' family meat No No of the citizens' family meat. No. No. And these people, my word, with their tiny and consequential lives. As long as the shops are full of cool ranch-flavored

Doritos, they don't care what I do. It won't be long before I have every morsel of meat in the land. You underestimate us. On our own we might just be people in leotards. But together, together we are the Meat Squad. Guards, get them. The guards let rip with their laser blasters,

and in seconds, every member of the meat squad apart from Slash had been cut down like daisies under a lawnmower. But a laser lawnmower. No. You monster. Goodbye, Porkknuckle. Porkknuckle, I'm no longer at your service. Farewell, Bacon Brothers.

Bacon Brothers, signing out. Keeping it crispy to the end, bro. Goodbye, Prosciutto Pete. I've been thinly sliced by laser bullets. Sausage. Sausage. Hotel breakfast. Hotel breakfast Hotel breakfast Checking

Oh Poor, poor duck bastard It's time for duck bastard to pay the final bill I'm sorry, goat boy I'll never forget you, Mrs. Mintz. I'm here to chew gum and pump blood around my body, and I'm all out of blood. Slash no! How are your henchmen so good at this?

They usually never hit us with their lasers. I hired new ones by visiting ZipRecruiter.com slash beef. Slash beef? Slash beef. Ziprecruiter.com slash beef. Slash beef? Slash beef. Ziprecruiter.com slash beef. And so now the entire meat squad is gone. It's hard to believe we were scared of you lot for so long. So, Slash, any last words?

I don't care if you kill me. But let me see Glengerman one last time. Please, bring Glengerman to me. Happily. It'll be interesting to see if you recognize him. What do you mean? Guards, bring him in. A huge steel door behind the patriarch was opened, and a foul stench and a heart-stopping noise emanated from within.

A creature emerged from the darkness, eleven feet tall. It was what only can be described as a gigantic baby with a dolphin's head and dorsal fin. Glengerman! What have you done? a dolphin's head and dorsal fin. Glenjermin! What have you done? Beautiful, isn't he? We've been experimenting with young Glenjermin. He's been having regular injections of various animal hormones over the last six months. So while he still has the intellect of a one-year-old child, he has the body of an extra-large bald human with a dolphin's head.

Kledgerman, it's me. Your daddy. I'm afraid he won't remember you anymore, Slash. As far as we can tell, based on how he reacted to a screening of Free Willy, he thinks his father is a killer whale. He doesn't love you anymore.

He doesn't love anything. All he knows is hate. All he wants is violence. And also Squid. Yes, Squid is his favorite, but we've also found that he's perfectly capable of eating a medium-sized human man just like yourself. No. Ha! Not so brave when you're all alone, are you? And at that moment, a hatch in the ceiling swung open and out came the proprietor of Greasy Hinge's Heritage Box Solutions.

Well, maybe he's not so alone. Gravy, you came! You're my best friend, Slash. And you know what? I've always been about restoration. Whether that's restoring justice and stopping the government from stealing people's family meat, or painstakingly restoring a 19th century Viennese jewelry box using period

appropriate implements. An antique beveling tool, pony hair brushes, oh soft sweet pony hair. But it occurs to me what I really need to restore is my self-respect. So watch out, world! Here comes Gravy! Ah! And just like that, Greasy Hinge's Heritage Box Solutions was abruptly closed down as its sole owner and CEO

was torn in half by a giant dolphin baby. Gravy, no! Slash lay weeping over the now bifurcated body of his old friend. The patriarch tossed Glengerman a handful of fish and issued his final order. Get him, Glengerman! Get Slash Beef! Finally he will be dead, and then nothing can stop me! The giant baby turned to Slash Beef,

his blowhole frothing wildly. Glatchman, please. It's me. Daddy Beef. And you're my baby. My sweet baby Beef. I don't care what you've become. I don't care how much dolphin hormone is coursing through your veins.

Oh, it's not just dolphin hormone. Plenty of donkey hormone in there, too. Just look at his ears. And donkey hormone. And chickenpox virus. Okay. And amphetamines. And amphetamines.

I don't care about any of that. Because you're my sweet, sweet baby beef. Okay, baby beef. Okay, Slash Beef. Time to end up just like your mother. How do you know about my mother? Slash's mind was sent back to that fateful day. His seventh birthday. Son, I've got some bad news. It's your mother. There's been an accident at the beef canning factory. She's been canned into 127 individual cans. Is she dead? They didn't say that explicitly, but I'd imagine so, yes.

Yes, a great shame what happened to your mother. That was my last shift on the canning machine. That was you? That's right, Eric. Now prepare to meet your maker, your doll finished. Glengerman bore down upon Slash, his wet feet slapping across the concrete floor, his blowholes screaming.

Stop. Stop! Glengerman, no! As Glengerman raised his fist to deal a no-doubt mortal blow, Slash met the colossal infant's death stare and began to sing. Baby beef, No matter where I am, you're my baby beef. My beefy little man. No matter if you're small or scared and shaking like a leaf. I'll always be there for you, baby beef. Something in the enormous baby's dolphin face began to soften and through his blowhole, Glengerman began to sing. That's so beautiful, Glengerman.

That's so beautiful, Glenschmidt. You're the greatest boy that ever lived. That is my belief. I'll always be there for you, Glenschmidt. Baby beef. I love you, clencher man. Floods of tears fell from his blowhole as the sizable baby dolphin hybrid began to cry. It's true what they say. Love is stronger than a cocktail of dolphin hormones, donkey hormones, and strong amphetamines.

You know what to do, Glengerman. Glengerman turned slowly to look at his captor, the Patriarch. What's going on? Glengerman, kill him! Rip him in two! He called out to the guards. Guards! Guards! But they had long since fled. Now listen to me, Glengerman. We've kept you here in the lap of luxury. As much squid as you can eat, a splash pool, plenty of colorful hoops.

Glengerman's eyes burned red like a fire engine and other things that are red. Come on, Glenjaman. Baby beef, you'll always be my boy. And then everything seemed to go silent for a second, as if all the energy had been sucked from the room. Glenjaman closed his eyes, and an otherworldly calm descended. A calm that was broken milliseconds later when Glengerman let out a supersonic scream. It was barely audible to the human ear, but its power could

be felt in the gut and the soul. What are you doing? How are you doing this? What's happening? What are you doing to me? Oh my, I'm feeling an incredible pressure behind the eyes. No, no, oh my skull, it feels like it's going to burst. The patriarch's head exploded like a hot watermelon hit with a baseball bat. It was over. In the following days, Slashbeef set about returning the family meat of the city's citizens.

As for Glengerman, he turned out just fine. Or should I say, I turned out just fine. That's right. I'm Glengerman, narrating from the future. After a series of medical interventions, I was returned to fully human form. And now, well, I own one of the biggest carpet stores in the city. Baby Beef Carpets for all your carpet and flooring needs. 10% off all wool and wool plant carpets if you use the code SLASHBEEF. That's 10% with the code SLASHBEEF. You can always find us at babybeefcarpets.beef.

Baby Beef. We're better than the rest down at Baby Beef. Put our carpets to the test. Better than the rest down at Baby Beef Put our carpets to the test Feel the weft of our quality rugs You'll be filled with disbelief Get your carpets now at Baby Beef Baby Beef

The best carpets in the land at Baby Beef. Feel the fibres in your hand, so many different colours, like the Great Barrier Reef. Get your carpets now, carpets now, baby beef get your carpets now at baby beef that's babybeefcarpets.beef number to call 0800 babybeefcarpets tell them glenderman sent you and remember all our carpets are dolphin safe right well there we go uh sorry before we go on can you clarify something for me uh yeah yeah yeah sure yeah was that an advert for an online recruitment portal or a carpet shop well fictional carpet shop right but um to answer your question uh i guess in a way yeah i guess it's both i guess it's it was both an advert for a recruitment website and a fictional carpet shop

okay right uh and actually looking at the clock i think that's our time up so i'm afraid i haven't got any more time to excuse me sorry um you want to cut the interview now yes time up so i'm afraid i haven't got any more time to excuse me sorry um you want to cut the interview now yes time is up i'm afraid you want to cut the interview now after you just kept me waiting you said that that was going to be an advert adverts are normally 10 to 30 seconds long i've been here for half an hour you know i don't know how long the adverts are. I just played the advert. Are you taking the mic? Is this some sort of weird prank show? No, look, listen, we talked about your GM rubbish earlier. I started talking and then you cut me off to go to ads and here we are 35 minutes later

and I still haven't really got to the main point I came to talk about. A big thanks to Paul Bofin for that interview. And if you visit UKGM Livestock Go's website, you can download a fact sheet on how to hack your own genes so you can have offspring with special powers, like flying or, I don't know, being really good at throwing a beanbag through a hoop. I would guess I've not read it. So that's all we've got time for this month. But if you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to the website now,

where you'll find all the usual stuff as well as our off-topic section, where this month we interviewed the director of the CIA, William Joseph Burns, about his struggles over the years to realise his dream of selling a script in Hollywood, a struggle made all the harder by also being in charge of the CIA. So, until next time, beef out. Thanks to Adam Cording, Gemma Arrowsmith, Tom Crowley, Stefan Ashton-Frank, Hal Lublin, Linnea Sage, Mike Wozniak and dave crib hi my name is graham clark and i'm one half of the podcast stop podcasting yourself a show that

we've recorded for many many years and at the moment instead of being in person we're recording remotely and uh you wouldn't even. You don't even notice the lag. That's right, Graham. And the great thing about this. Go ahead. No, you go ahead. OK. Go ahead.

And you can listen to us every week on MaximumFun.org. Or wherever you get your podcasts. Your podcasts. Hi, I'm Allie Gertz. And I'm Julia Prescott. And we're the hosts of Round Springfield. Round Springfield is a Simpsons adjacent podcast where we talk to Simpsons folks about non-Simpsons things. That's right. So in the past, we've gotten to talk to legendary showrunners and writers like Al Jean, Bill Oakley, Josh Weinstein, Dana Gould, Mike Reese, and David X. Cohen. Voice actors like Maurice LaMarche, Maggie Roswell, and Yardley Smith, the voice of Lisa

Simpson herself. Hell yeah. So we've been away securing guests for our final five episodes. We won't tell you everybody, but we'll let you know that the last episode is kind of a big deal. We got Matt Groening. Homer's dad. We got Homer's dad. Check out new episodes of Round Springfield starting June 21st. On Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Smell you later.