Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 75 - Live At The Great British Cattle Bazaar

Episode Date: September 20, 2021

Highlights from our recent live show at the Great British Cattle Bazaar featuring Mike Wozniak, Henry Paker, Nadia Kamil, Sammy Graham and Dave Cribb.Tickets to watch the recording of the show are available until 3rd October 2021 here: https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/comedy/beef-and-dairy-network-podcast-11-9/

Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved or just interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. This edition of the podcast is a very special one as it's being recorded in front of a live audience... CHEERING ..here at the annual Great British Cattle Bazaar, the world's largest livestock sale. On this one weekend alone, over 40,000 cattle will be sold to the highest bidders.

And it's not just meatbeasts. Over 200 million litres of sperm were sold in this very room only this morning. You can feel it in the air, can't you? Hello, this month's episode is edited highlights of a live show we did recently at the Great British Cattle Bazaar. If you'd rather watch the whole show, the recording of the live stream is still available to watch until the 3rd of October at a price of £9.50. I will put the link to that in the show description.

Our first guest was bovine arse-fet Bob Triscothic. Please welcome bovine arse-fet Bob Triscothic! Thank you. Thankic. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Bob, thank you so much for coming to speak to us. How are things with you? Last time we spoke, things weren't going so well.

You'd been... Well, you've been struck off. We cover this. You can't be struck off if you've never been struck on. Yeah, we did cover this. You were living eventually, for some you've never been struck on. Yeah, we did cover this. You were living eventually, for some reason, on an oil rig in the North Sea. Yeah, but an abandoned oil rig, so it was roomy.

Lots of facilities. Some of the vending machines were still working. Yeah, but I've managed to make it back to dry land now, thanks to some fair wins and a life raft I've finally managed to fashion out of some dead men's clothing, essentially, and that worked quite nicely. So things are very much

on the up. You're here at the Bazaar but you're not really meant to be here. Well, no, I think I'm meant to be here as much as anyone, really. I've been the official vet of the Bazaar for the last 20 years. I'm part of the furniture really much as anyone, really. I've been the official vet of the Bazaar for the last 20 years. I'm part of the furniture, really, I would say.

Well, you were the in-house vet for the past 20 years until... Yes, I think, well, I think presumably a clerical error. They did invite you back this year, did they? They didn't invite me back this year. And instead they employed a different vet called Mike Gontelman. Gontelman? You know Mike Gontelman? I know gondelman gondelman you know mike gondelman i know gondelman with his degree

smug ass yeah i mean there's smug ass and then there's qualified vet, isn't there? There's a bit of a Venn diagram there. I mean, he's got a very different philosophy to you, I'm aware. You're quite arse first, really, when it comes to veterinary issues. I don't know if Gontelman... The arse is where the cow begins and ends, you know? It's the window into the cow's soul. You can read an arse in a way you can't read any other part of the cow. He's faffing about with hooves

and teeth, if cows even have teeth. Who cares? It's a waste of time. He's a charlatan. Yeah. Why does the Bazaar need a vet, an in-house vet? What kind of thing are they looking out for? What kind of thing are they... Oh, well, I mean, obviously all kinds of things can go wrong because there's thousands of beef units, obviously all kinds of things can go wrong, you know, because there's thousands

of beef units here and all kinds of other units. Probably the main thing is it's all about self-esteem, really, I find. Your self-esteem or the self-esteem of the calves? Mostly the calves and the heifers

because they, particularly if one gets auctioned off for a lower price than it was anticipating, for example. So there's a big sort of sports psychology element um and i guess you just kind of rally around and go do you know what i think you're a great half well that's and that's important pre-auction as well because if the if the farmers are seeing that they're they're looking despondent

the cows then they know they're going to go for a low price because then they're not going to have that bounce on the field which is what you want from a cow. You know, you want it to lift your spirits. So how do you lift a cow's spirits whilst going arse first? Well, if a cow is despondent, often you've got to go to the root cause, and often the root cause is the arse. Sometimes

a cow will think that it's been poorly auctioned because it's got a sub-performing arse. Sometimes a cow will forget that it's got an arse at all. And you have to show a cow its own arse. Hall of mirrors type thing? Hall of mirrors? Hall of mirrors, yeah.

I mean, a very simple hall of mirrors. Hall of two mirrors will do. Generally speaking. But they're a community. They're social animals. So sometimes you can get a bunch of uh of cows to look at another cow's ass and then you put them around and they converse with the other cow i mean obviously they're not using words but they convey somehow an appreciation

of the ass that you've just shoved their face into um and that tends to lift their spirits i find and of course the people coming to the bazaar i mean many people here will be here to buy cattle and they may have been here this morning for the sperm sale what are they looking out for when they're looking for a good animal are they looking after i would just say on the subject of self-esteem i would just you know if you don't fall into the trap of looking for ass tears okay because it's probably a temporary problem okay and it can be fixed okay so dab them away and um look at that cow in a different different light i would say so you're saying that in an auction situation you shouldn't be alarmed if a cow is crying out

of its arse no no i think that's a lot of people's sort of initial instinct is to be deeply deeply alarmed at that site especially when they're really hosing um And some of the more melodramatic cows can use their hindquarters to sort of pad their arse with a handkerchief. Something you probably only see once every 10 years or so. But actually, what people don't realise is that's a display of happiness and... Happiness and great skill.

Yeah. Now, I need to address the elephant in the room. You've been involved at the bazaar for 20 years yeah this year you're involved in a in a rather darker side of the bazaar as people will know there's the official bazaar which takes place in this building and then there's the the kind of fringe events i think i mean yeah the fringe is a burgeoning scene yeah i don't think it's necessarily darker necessarily well no because the official bazaar that focuses on meat beasts or you know pre-meat cheers cheers yeah um buffalo milkshake um yeah and we have yeah you're right there are but you're you're on the fringe where you know

anything goes there are sub beefs there there are pseudo goes. There are sub-beefs there. There are pseudo-beefs. There are non-beef-beefs as well. So you do have to be a bit canny if you're on the bazaar, certainly. But there's a lot of innovation. Because you've got your own stall on the fringe. You're selling your own product. Yeah, it's just on the other side.

You've probably seen the big meat luge that someone's doing, Gerald Handyman is doing. I'm just by the side of that. And I've got a new product. I've got bovine arse drones is what I'm trying to sell at the moment.

How does a bovine arse drone, or a rectal drone, how does that differ from a regular drone you might buy in, I don't know, Ryman's or... Well, it's smaller, for a start. Right. It needs to be arse-proofed in a way that your Ryman's drone doesn't need to be. And acid-proofed.

It's mostly... I'm hoping one day it'll be used therapeutically and diagnostically. At the moment, it's mostly for farmers who've... You know, it's the old beef vault, isn't it? Where a lot of farmers still now, and for generations, will keep valuables uh family heirlooms um wedding albums that sort of thing um quite burglar proof and uh you know they're normally very safe there but about one in eight cows will do something called a reverse peristalsis uh where the the heirloom will get

sort of sort of uh sort of reverse ingested up the stomach chain right into the cow. So it's trying to retrieve those things. That's how I'm trying to monetise it initially. Well, I came, you did an incredible public viewing of this thing yesterday. You might have seen me, I was in the crowd, I was in disguise because I'm a journalist, I didn't want you to know I was there.

I was dressed as an old crone. Oh, right yeah we had a lot of crones in yesterday yeah and um and when you got it out when you got out the rectal drone like the hush and the the feeling of anticipation was incredible yeah went really well well did it go really well because i i don't know because from where i was standing or crouching um it didn't look like it went all that well. Because maybe you can tell everyone what happened. Well, the drone went in. Well, the first drone went in, and then it didn't. Well, unfortunately, it was a reverse peristaltic cow,

so unfortunately the drone did get sucked up into some stomachs, and so I did have to then send another drone in to try and get that drone. And we can leave it there, if you like. Because the second drone, that didn't come back out either, did it? So then you sent in... 14 more drones, yes. But I mean, you know, it was a memorable event, I think.

Well, it was certainly memorable because once the 14th went in, the car began to sort of levitate because there was so much... Yeah, which is not my... The one thing we didn't anticipate was starting to suck once the 14th went in the cow began to sort of levitate because there was so much yeah which is not my the one thing we didn't anticipate was turning to suck

quite a lot of air in through the mouth of the cow and then back out sort of turned into sort of Harriet Jump Jet type thing and it did

and where my stall is there isn't a roof there's just a bit of tarpaulin really and that sort of gave way in seconds so it was it did become airborne

yeah and from where I was standing it looked very much so it was it did become airborne yeah and from where i was standing it looked very much like it was going into the airspace of london city airport so it was yes unfortunately yes it was and i think i think that's unfortunately i mean this is the modern age we live in it did ping a protocol of sorts um and uh jets were scrambled from RAF Northolt and unfortunately the cow wasn't able to respond to their requests for identification or their insistence of an immediate landing because she was a cow.

She wasn't really set up for that. So the second the cow floated over uninhabited space, they did shoot it down with a short-range air-to-cow missile. An event which was captured internally in pinprick 4K quality video. Yes, yes, the cameras on the drones were all functional. I probably should have switched them off.

It didn't really resolve the thinking at the time. Streaming live onto Facebook. Yeah, but it shows that at least the cameras work. That's something, isn't it? From the demo, there's always a silver lining. And can survive a missile hit, so, you know, they're well-made bits of kit. Thank you.

Well, I don't know if anyone on the live stream has any questions for bob before he goes any questions if you're on the live stream you have a question for bob just write it in the little chat box can you sense a cow's emotions through its arse it's the only place you can sense a cow's emotions people make this mistake of looking into the eyes of a cow. Everyone knows the eyes of a cow are incredibly alluring and beautiful, but all you'll see there is a deep inner peace, which is often not the case. You have to read the arse.

I will, actually, next weekend, I'll be running a seminar on sort of cow arse map reading for emotions on Zoom for only £19. reading for emotions on Zoom for only £19. That'll be at 7.15 in the evening until 7.30 ish.

So sign up. And all four emotions that the cow can experience? All four emotions. I've seen it done. It's absolutely amazing. Rage, fear, joy and jealousy. Yeah. Right well then, everyone please thank Bob Truskothik.

Thank you. Right, now it's time for Beef Call. A special live version of the Beef and Dairy Network's weekly live quiz web stream. Of course, normally to play Beefcall, you'd have to wait until a Wednesday afternoon

and then call the Beefcall number. For many months now, the Beefcall number has been... One. That's right. That's right, one. It's been one for a while. But that has led to absolute chaos. A combination of the cost of calling the phone line,

which is a pricey 85 euros a minute, and the sheer frequency with which people butt-dialed the number has led to many people becoming financially ruined. Luckily, there's a great place for them to win back their money. And that's Beef Call, which has reverted to its older number which of course was Double four six Seven eight triple nine one Seven eight triple nine two Seven seven four

Double three two seven eight triple nine four seven eight triple triple three eight nine oh 7, 7, 7, 4, 7, 7, 7, 4, 7, 7, 7, 4, 8, 2, 7, 4, 8, 2, 1, 2, 4, 9, 6, 3, 1, 9, 3, 4, 6, 2, six three nine three four six two eight eight ten seven seven seven seven one eight two six nine four double three nine three triple three two, triple three two Seven four eight two 7-7-7-4 7-7-7-4 7-7-7-4 7, 4, 7, 7, 7, 4, 7, 7, 7, 4, 8, 2, 7, 8, 1, 2, 4, 6, 9, 3, 4, 9, 3, 4, 6, 2, 8, 8, 10, 4, 1, 8, 2, 6, 9, 4, double 3, 9, 3, triple 3, 2, triple 3, 2, triple 3, 2, triple 3, 2, 7, 4, 8, 2 6 More after this. There are some things in life that I like to pick out myself, so I know that I've got the one that's right for me. Sausages, mattresses, pens, etc.

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She says, I love that feature because we have much higher follow-through rate if I invite candidates. See for yourself. Go to ZipRecruiter.com slash B-E-E-F to try ZipRecruiter for free. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash beef. It's time to meet someone who's appeared on the show a number of times before, a former bovine poet laureate. He left the country many years ago after a run-in with the Bovine Farmers Union, which came to a head when they sewed a cow's face onto his face as a punishment. Please welcome Michael Banyan.

Hi. Hi. Hi there. Michael, welcome. It's great to see you. Always great to check in with you, see how the face is doing. It's looking incredible. It's kind of dark, like a dark walnut colour now. That's right. It's completely matte, isn't it now? It's got no shine whatsoever. Yeah, it's got this kind of deep patina that you might get in like a like an old leather armchair that you know you might find in a sort of

country house it's got that kind of feeling to it yeah lived in but still comfortable um you might just want to sit on it and play scrabble with a nephew that kind of yeah yeah yeah yeah i get that yeah and i read recently that you've been able to stop having the 21 daily injections as well, because your original face has actually stopped rejecting the cow's face, which is amazing. Yes, a beautiful moment. They've really, yeah, they've completely fused. So, yeah, no more injections. We've talked about some of the shady dealing that happens at the Bazaar's Fringe, as Bob told us about.

You know, Bob's rectal drones, of course, but then there's all the other stuff that we haven't mentioned yet. You know, the big sacks of black market sick crabs you can buy. The gambling that happens over fights between pigs covered in razor blades. You know, it's a dark place.

Not for the faint-hearted, yeah. No, and as a poet, I know that you've always been drawn to this fringe. You know, you're obviously drawn to the darker parts of society. In your book, Crab of the Land, you wrote about the time you saw someone selling a bag of drugged mallards to a hooded Prince Edward.

And of course, you then went on to write the poem Prince of Beaks. That's right. So you've been drawn to this area, but I believe you've become slightly more involved in the fringe this year, and you've actually sold something there in the fringe this year, and you've actually sold something there this year

that's very valuable. Yes. Well, I have sold my cow's face. Yes, I know. A lot of my fans have become attached to the cow's face now, but it's not my actual face. I still

maintain that. The cow's face is still on at the cow's face is still on at the moment it's still on at the moment so yes it's uh yeah it's uh yeah but it's not mine legally right i see so it's technically i'm actually not allowed to be wearing this face it's quite an unusual legal situation that this is not my face so it sold last night it sold last night at auction at Now, I guess the big question that everyone will be thinking is, why would you sell your own face? I know, it's, yes. Is it a money problem? I mean, what's the...

Financial, yeah. It is financial because, you know, it has fused to my own face. It's become, you know, I feel like it's my face now, but financial, I hit the skids, basically. Because you're making, you know, people will know you're making so much money

from your Jumanji podcast, Jumanji CWS. Absolute fuck-tum. Absolute fuck-tum. From Jumanji CWS, yeah, coulda, woulda, shoulda. Interviewing people who could have been in Jumanji but weren't. Yeah, or would have been in Jumanji but didn't want to. Or should have been in Jumanji but just didn't have the idea. Yeah. Yeah, or would have been in Jumanji but didn't want to. Or should have been in Jumanji but just didn't have the idea.

Yeah, never thought of it. Massive, massive podcast. Not just fans of Jumanji, just people that coulda, woulda or shoulda done anything pretty much actually started to find it quite interesting. But we had some legal problems with Jumanji woulda, shoulda, coulda

which it turns out predated us. But I maintain that the emphasis is very different in our podcast. So, yeah, that was a problem. But still, you know, I was still riding high. I mean, I was doing extremely well. I was eating a Pret-a-Manger three times a week. And I was actually in a Pret-a-Manger three times a week. And I was actually in a Pret-a-Manger when I was approached by a man from Netflix.

He suggested working with me to create the first ever massive, binge-worthy, talk-about-TV box set based on a book of poems. Right, and he approached you... Based on Crab of the Land. Wow. Just cheer. Who'd want to see that? Yeah. It's a great idea.

And also I could see he was eating a posh cheddar sandwich. So I could tell he meant business. Oh, he approached you... When you say he approached you, he approached you in the pret. Oh yeah, we were both in the pret. So this guy approaches you and says, we're going to turn you into a TV star. Yeah.

So why, you know, why aren't you a TV star? Well, there my troubles began. There my troubles began. Well, you know, we chatted instantly, we both knew who had to play me. I mean, do I even need to say it? I mean, the finest

actor of his generation, Paul Giamatti. Paul Giamatti? Paul Giamatti. Right. Yeah, so, Sam, we bagged him. Obviously, he was dying to work on this project. Giamatti was very excited. We bagged him.

Signed the contract. Everything was ready to go. First day of filming, we had Giamatti. We'd bought the chair. We'd bought the fireplace and a copy of the book. Oh, so you weren't really sort of thinking out of the box with it. It was very much just reading it out. Paired down was what we thought. Giamatti

armchair, fireplace, a copy of the book. Let Giamatti's magic, you know, just happen. Don't get in the way of the words and Giamatti. But, yeah, first day the lawyers turned up and it turned out that Giamatti had signed an exclusivity deal

for 15 years with Jonathan Franzen. Oh. Yeah, my nemesis. So Jonathan Franzen was making his own television series. Jonathan Franzen had signed a deal with Amazon to make the most ambitious box set of all time a 24 box set series. So 24 times 24

series, each of which has 24 episodes. This was a very ambitious writing project. This was all, this entire box set was all going to be telling the story of one night out that Jonathan Franzen had with Casuo Iziguro in 1997.

Right, so 24 series of 24 episodes all about one night. In molecular detail. We're going to go into this soon. It was quite a famous evening in 1997 when Franzen and Iziguro went to see The Verve at Wembley Arena. Got completely hammered on wine and then after the gig

decided to go to or get in a minivan with Martin Amis who had just I mean this will be covered in the series but Martin Amis had just sold London Fields and he used the advance to buy a minivan so the idea was that Amis was going to drive them all to the big yellow storage company in

Acton which they were then going to proceed to fill with piss store this store this store this piss was what they were chanting as they drove up as they made their way there

luckily Salman Rushdie got wind of the whole thing he as it happened used the same storage company to store a lot of his spare pens so he informed Interpol luckily Ishiguro and

Franz were taken down with tranquilizer darts before they get past the lobby. And actually, interestingly, the next day, Keshav Ishiguro woke up in hospital and had the idea for Remains of the Day. Which he then started writing. And it was only six months later, he was about halfway through the book,

when it was pointed out to him that he'd already had the idea and written the entire book in 1989 so it's a great story a story which needs telling and Paul Giamatti was going to be playing Franzen right I see

who's playing Martin Amis Salman Rushdie actually weirdly because he doubles And Giamatti was going to be playing Franzen? Was going to be playing Franzen, yeah. Right, I see. Who's playing Martin Amis? Salman Rushdie, actually, weirdly, because he dabbles in acting now. But anyway, legally, the issue was that Giamatti was spoken for, so I mean, I was still very keen, I still wanted Giamatti, I desperately, desperately wanted Giamatti.

So we came up with a solution, because we were pretty sure that Franzen hadn't signed the digital rights for Jumati's image. Okay. So, Luke Boll, basically, the idea was we'd get a digital avatar, essentially, a digitised Jumati.

Right. To play the role, you know, with green screen, using an actor using green screen and, you know, the mocap. With the balls on. Mocap. With the balls on. Mocap technology with the balls on the suit. So who did you get to wear the suit

and do all the, to make the Giamatti move? Paul Giamatti. And that was overreaching. I realised that that was, that legally I was asking for it with that. It turns out we weren't allowed to use Paul Giamatti. It was a contract thing. I went through it with the lawyers.

I was desperate for the performance to at least be to use Paul Giamatti. It was a contract thing. I went through it with the lawyers. I was desperate for the performance to at least be based somewhere in Giamatti. So we were pretty sure that Franzen hadn't signed Giamatti's puppetry rights. So at that point, we hired just a neutral person to wear the suit. Right. A Giamatti neutral actor.

So someone who neither looks particularly like or unlike Giamatti. So Paul Giamatti's the perfect... Well, Paul Giamatti would have been ideal. So that actor was wearing the suit. Giamatti was then 50 feet above that actor on a... As a puppet master. As a puppet puppeting it.

Long story short, actually, Franzen, we had... He had bagged the puppetry rights because... So, but anyway, so the point is what we managed to do

was we managed to use a legal loophole which is known as mocap dilution. So what happened was we set up 49 computers with 49 buffins. Each what happened was we set up 49 computers with 49 buffins. Each of them was

programming a different Giamatti avatar whose motions were based on the motions of the mocap from the previous avatar. So we had 49 of those in a row and the 50th was actually Paul Giamatti. And that pushed us just beyond the dilution where we were legally allowed to use him.

So your performance was kind of like a photocopy of a photocopy of a photocopy of a photocopy of Paul Giamatti. Exactly. And therein lied the problem, which is through every iteration, Giamatti's performance degraded. Turns out if you degrade Giamatti's acting by a factor of 50, you end up with Sean Bean. you end up with Sean Bean. Which, and, you know, I mean, Sean Bean reading poetry, I mean, that's like asking a pig to open an envelope.

It's just not going to happen. It's just not going to happen. Okay, so, the long and short of this is, the long and short of it is, I'm now being sued by Paul Giamatti and 49 avatars. Paul Giamatti, and ofatars. Paul Giamatti and of course those avatars have bottomless pockets.

And they've put together a legal dream team of avatars of great orators from history. Oh, right. Horace, Cicero, William Hague. Right, okay. So, yeah. So I was in the shit financially.

So you decided, well, the only thing for it is to auction your face. Auction my face, yeah. Now, how did you know that your face was valuable? Because, you know, it's nice enough, but, you know, why? Well, the thing is that it turns out that face leather is, in fact, the softest leather on earth. Right. And it's very, very highly prized by very, very, very rich people.

Because obviously the human face has more muscles than any other face. Than any other animal face. So with the cow's face, obviously you get the cow leather, you get the durability of the cow's leather, but you also get the suppleness. So with the cow's face, obviously you get the cow leather, you get the durability of the cow's leather, but you also get the suppleness, because this cow's leather face has been operated, essentially,

by all of my human facial muscles. And the human face has over a million expressions. It's just not just happy, sad, but even things like, you know... LAUGHTER Is that Doberman wearing a rucksack? Yeah. So there are so many iterations. Whereas, you know, a cow only has two facial expressions,

sad and dead. That's right. So the fusion of the two faces means that I am wearing the most sought-after, the most deluxe five-star leather on earth. Right. And you auctioned it last night. Yes, indeed.

Tell us a bit about the place where you were auctioning it. It was a dark kind of place. A dark, shadowy place. Yeah. Because you were part of a... It wasn't just your face being auctioned it last night. Yes, indeed. Tell us a bit about the place where you were auctioning it. It was a dark kind of place. A dark, shadowy place. Yeah, because you were part of a... It wasn't just your face being auctioned. There was a number of... They were called livestock curios, weren't they? That's right. I wasn't the first lot. There were various lots

at this auction. And it was sort of strange, sort of freakish curios from the animal kingdom, which obviously billionaires adore. You know, there was, well, there was a five-headed cockerel. There was a five-bodied cockerel. There was a horse with two heads and no body.

There was a cow with the head of a different cow. That one was um... You have to sort of take that one on trust, but there was a... It was, uh... It did come with a certificate allegedly signed by both cows. There was a barn owl with a human

forehead, square hen, pig with a sunroof, shrimp with the head of a prawn, a crab with the mindset of a lobster, donkey with a gearstick, octopus with hooves, a beaver who could play the flute,

and the penis of Edward the Confessor. So it was quite, yeah. And down there, there's a, you know, the world's billionaires were there, because these are things that are highly prized by some of the richest people on Earth. Oh, yeah. The people you had down there,

I've heard, you know, the creme de la creme. Oh, it heard the creme de la creme oh it was the creme de la creme of the richest people on earth it was extraordinary obviously you had your Bezoses you had your Zuckerbergs but there was also the Kleenex billionaires

Timothy and Jimothy Kleenex Roy Taft, the plexiglass magnate the Prittstick heiress who wasn't wearing her what wasn't wearing her lid it was quite unusual to see her so her soft gooey head so cranium was was fully exposed and her neck was was fully extended so you could see the mechanism so um yeah who was it in the end actually actually did pony up and buy your face well I'm pleased to say that I then the end actually did pony up and buy your face? Well, I'm pleased to say that in the end,

my face was purchased by someone whose ethics chime with my own. Because, you know, that's very important to me, that this went to a good home ethically. Yes, I'm delighted to say that my face was bought by Siberian petrochemical billionaire, ex-KGB enforcer, Oleg the One-Man Pogrom Petrovsky. And what's he going to be doing with your face once it's unattached? I believe he's going to be getting a Leathermeister to craft it into a USB stick pouch for his niece.

Right, great. Now, obviously, the face is currently still very much attached to your human face. I believe you've been in talks with various people. Obviously, this will be a very complicated surgery to go through. I mean, it's very rare that this happens.

Yes, well, as I said earlier, the molecules have fused very, very deeply now. So we're going to need extraordinary it's going to need extraordinary skill. Yeah, there's obviously no question. I mean, it's going to need, you know, a combination of a sort of, well, obviously a brilliant surgical genius will be needed and someone that is a master both of molecular science and handbag technology. Well, he's here tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Bob Dysgothic. I'm giving it a go. Gonna give it a go. So Bob, you're tasked with taking off Michael's face and revealing his old face. Have you done anything like this before? No.

No? Is this the kind of thing thing they teach at vet school? I mean, of course, you didn't go to vet school, did you? No, it's very much self-taught. I mean, I have peeled a wasp's face off before and attached it to a blue bottle and then tried to take it back off again and the whole thing came to pieces pretty quickly, but you know trial and error

There's a chance isn't there that you take off the cow's face and under there is just some sort of salty liquid How confident are you that Michael's original face is still there underneath the cow's face? about 50 50 so worth the go and Michael do you feel in yourself that your face is still there under the chaos face? You know what? I like to think it's there. I mean, scientists and experts have told me that it's unlikely to be there, but I like to think that it is there.

And not only that, I think this is a time to really think about what is a face? And how many faces do all of us have? I mean, how many people can really say they've only got one face? Do you know what I mean? There's the face we project to society. There's the face we use when we're looking for things.

There's the face we use when we're thinking. There's the face we present to a loved one. There's the face we present to a loved one. There's the face we present to a lover. Okay, well, that's very profound. And I believe, Michael, you've actually written a song about this very thing. I have. And you'd like to perform it for us this evening. I would love to sing it for you, yeah.

Lovely. Well, let's go behind my face is another face and behind that face another more metaphorical face right I'll stop you there Michael oh sorry

yeah I was I have to say I wasn't expecting you to have such a high voice, really. Oh, yes. Yes, sorry, that does surprise people sometimes, yes. Yeah, no, it's because, obviously, my human voice is being refracted through the cow's face, which changes the wave pattern.

Right, so that was the cow's face singing, really? Yes, that was the cow's face, yeah. But channeled my emotional energy. Yeah. But the cow's face singing, really? Yes, that was the cow's face. But it channeled my emotional energy. Yeah. But the cow's face. Wow. So are you ever able to sing using your human face from within the cow's face?

Oh, yeah, of course I can do that. Do you want me to? Yeah. I can just use the human face. Yeah, sure. Sure. Behind my face is another face. And behind that face, another more metaphorical face.

I'll stop you there, Michael. Your inner face has a very slight northern accent. That's fascinating, isn't it? It's a Manchester area. Yes, weirdly, that's because of the cow ears. That's changed my ear canal um structure that they're differently weighted now on the inside that factors back through up into the um the um the um that bit that bit yeah uh and that creates a northern vibe, yeah. Yeah, great.

I mean, those two voices, I mean, amazing to have two voices like that. I wonder, can you ever get them to... Oh, to work together? Yeah. Like a duet? Like a duet. I can.

It involves a little bit of thinking. I have to concentrate for a moment because I just have to... Hang on. I just have to separate my soft palate from my um medial palate I should be able to do it hang on behind my face is another face metaphorical face. Behind

my face is another place. When will my face reflect who I am inside? I'm like

an onion unpeel me See the real me a man without a cow stitched to his face Behind my face Is another face And behind that face another more metaphorical face And behind that face is another face And behind that face There's another face

And behind all that Is my Sky Sky Wow Yeah, that's a good out of you Yeah, that really does, that's emotional That was beautiful It's a shame in a way that once the cow's face is removed You won't be able to do that beautiful duet ever again.

That is true. But on the other hand, the way I look at it is that I won't have a rotting cow's face on my face. Yes. Yeah, fair play. Well, I'd just like to say to both of you, to Bob, best of luck. I think you're going to do a great job. Thank you.

Michael, thank you so much for telling us about this. Thank you. I think we all wish you the best of luck. Because obviously next time we see you, you might not have a cow's face on your face. Or you might be dead. I might be dead. Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Banyan.

Thank you. Banyan. So, that's all we've got time for from the Great British Cattle Bazaar. But if you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to the website now, where you can read all the latest beef and dairy news, as well as our off-topic section, where this month we try and fill a big

yellow storage with piss. So, until next time, beef out! Thanks to Mike Wozniak, Henry Packer, Sammy Graham, Dave Cribb and Nadia Kamal. And thanks also, of course, if you were in the audience. What fun we had. And as I said earlier, that was an edited down version of the full show. And if you'd like to watch the whole thing,

it was live streamed at the time, but the recording of the live stream is available and you can still buy a ticket and watch that as long as you do it before the 3rd of October. I'll put a link in the show notes. Bye. Beef is a promise, a promise that's never broke. Congratulations. You've won a ticket to attend an exclusive opportunity in a relaxing environment

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