Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 80 - World Beef Bulletin

Episode Date: February 21, 2022

Linnea Sage, Tom Crowley, Gemma Arrowsmith, Tom Neenan, Rajiv Karia, Tim Bick, Hendrikje Alexis, Holly Watson and Madeleine Brettingham join in this month, where instead of a usual episode, we're giving you a sneak peak of our brand new daily news bulletin, the World Beef Bulletin.   Music credits courtesy of www.epidemicsound.com :Martin Klem / Trembling Hands

Hello! No regular episode of the Beef and Dairy Network podcast today, because instead we're sharing with you the first ever episode of the World Beef Bulletin, our new daily news show streamed live online and available on Longwave Radio. It's all created at our brand new, state-of-the-art, multi-million pound news centre that we've built in Aylesbury, and it's world news with that hint of beef. Enjoy! Online and on longwave radio this is the World Beef Bulletin. The latest news from the beef world and beyond. Live from New York to Berlin to Aylesbury. Yes, hello and welcome to the first ever World Beef Bulletin.

All the news you need in half an hour. I'm here live from our brand new news centre in Aylesbury. And I'm Rona Stent, coming live from our news desk in New York City. I just want to say, Rona, I'm really looking forward to working with you on this. Same to you. Thank you. Thank you. Are you okay? My producer said that you ate a candle last night.

Um, I don't know why they had to tell you that, really. That was personal information. So why'd you eat a candle? Well, I was taken to a fancy restaurant. Well, I was taken to a fancy restaurant and shortly after we arrived, the waiter put down a candle in front of me and I think quite reasonably assumed that it was a starter. Or I guess, Rona, you might call it an appetizer. Oh. And so I just swallowed it yeah okay i'm being told we have to get to the news okay time for the headlines with rona

from our news desk in new york it's rona stent the sea is actually a solid. This is the discovery of scientists at Seoul University who have revealed that the popular preconception that the sea is made of liquid is actually false. According to their study, boats, which appear to float on the sea, are actually on wheels. And fish are burrowing animals who use their flippers to dig beneath the sea's dense blue surface. The Queen of England has announced she will be celebrating 70 years on the throne by bringing back hanging for one day only. Queen Elizabeth, who made the unexpected announcement last night, believes the return of summary execution will cheer up a divided nation. Scientists in Beijing believe they could have the solution

to the dwindling number of China's giant pandas by breeding a new race of sexy pandas. It is hoped the pandas, which have full lips, a mane of silky windswept hair, and a beguiling hourglass figure, will reverse the decline in numbers, which experts believe is caused by the fact that the world's remaining pandas are,

in their words, six out of ten max. Sydney has become the first city in the world to build in the infrastructure to pipe hot sausages into every home. The mayor described the move as dangerous yet thrilling, a sausage roller coaster heading straight for your mouth and heart. rollercoaster heading straight for your mouth and heart. It is widely rumored that Angela Merkel has bought a new towel. More as we get it on that one. And finally, Argentina will be piloting a new flag from next week. Argentina's President Alberto Fernandez said that people have become bored of the blue and white flag and that for a year trial period it will be replaced with an image of an old woman riding a motorbike into the sun. Back to you in Aylesbury. The World Beef Bulletin. Thank you, Rona. Now picking up on that story mentioned there about Argentina piloting a new

flag, I'm joined down the line from Buenos Aires by the Argentinian culture minister, Alejandro Gomez. Mr. Gomez, thank you for talking with me this morning. I'm definitely sorry. No, you're talking to Sam Archer. You called about three hours ago. Sorry, is this Mr. Gomez? No, it's Dr. Sam Archer responding to your call. Yes, look, that was a private call. I'm not sure why i'm speaking to you because i'm meant to be on the on the line with uh but it sounded mr gomez i think there's been some kind of technical problem is there any way we can do this phone call after the show it's up to you i mean

the call you uh the issue you called me about seemed quite urgent i'd just like to follow up on that if that's okay do you have time well how i mean you're the doctor tell me how urgent um i mean it possibly like threatening okay well let's do this very quickly then but bear in mind i am doing a global news yes um we'll make it quick uh you called me saying that you would i understand that you had swallowed a candle is that correct yeah well yeah well again just bear in mind this is going out live so okay you know don't you have isn't there some kind of confidentiality thing i can talk in code if you like well there's there's actually no point now is there because you've already mentioned that i swallowed a candle but also actually it's already been

mentioned in the show anyway so can we just do this quickly please can i just i need to get some some details uh from you if that's okay just some things to make sure see just how serious this is yes fine fine obviously uh first thing i want to ask how how did this end up happening well does that matter look i swallowed a candle doesn't matter why i swallowed the candle i need Yes, fine, fine, fine. Obviously, first thing I want to ask, how did this end up happening? Well, does that matter? Look, I swallowed a candle. It doesn't matter why I swallowed a candle. I need to know all the details if that's okay.

I'm sorry. Like you said, I know this is live, but I want to make sure you're live later alive. Yes, fine. Okay. Well, last night I was taken out by some investors to a very fancy new restaurant. Right. You know, owned by a television chef, Cliff Trent Roberts. And they brought out the candle,

put it in front of me, they lit it, I assumed. It turns out wrongly that it was a starter. Right, okay. Because, you know, these modern restaurants, it's all about theatre, isn't it? It's all about the spectacle and turning food into a, into a you know right you can understand i think why i made that so hang on so when we're talking about the size of the candle are we are we talking about something which is i'm saying i'm gonna say more than 10 inches in

length 12 inches one inch diameter wax candle good lord right okay what i'm gonna do is is i'm going to um there's a consultant i can speak to and i'm going to ask him about this he doesn't usually deal with this end of things let me just put it that way um to put no finer points on it he's a he's a doctor who mainly specializes in people you know putting things up their asses um i can just be very clear that i didn't put a candle up my ass no just make him very make him well aware of that of course no no you you swallowed the candle yes but with my mouth with your mouth not my anus um no i mean i'd say i think the anus would have been preferable um if anything for this candle but from a medical perspective from a medical perspective yes not an aesthetic perspective putting the ass into aesthetic.

Dr. Archer? Sorry about that. Yeah, I mean, yeah, sticking a candle up your ass has, you know, untold medical benefits. But I'm still sure that the other diners there probably were pleased

that I didn't give them a live ass handling show before they even started their main course um i mean like you're saying about the theater the theater of modern restaurants maybe that's uh maybe that's a trend i don't know i'm out about it um so i'm going to speak to this consultant um and i'll get back to you as soon as i can okay my apologies i i'm i'm not sure why that wasn't Alejandro Gomez, the Argentinian culture minister, but we will endeavour to connect with him shortly. I think we're just having a few teething problems with the technology here at the brand new news centre here in Aylesbury. Aylesbury. Aylesbury. Hopefully these little technical gremlins can be ironed out.

Right. The following news segment is sponsored by Sadie's Beef Palace. Premium meat at donkey beef prices. You bitch your ass! Yes, this next bit of news is sponsored by Sadie's Beef Palace. Quality meat at donkey beef prices. You bitch your ass! Rumours abound this morning about the possibility that former German Chancellor Angela Merkel has bought herself a new towel. For more on this, we go over live to our Berlin

news desk with Katrin Scharf. herrscht reges Interesse an einem Handtuch, welches Kanzlerin Angela Merkel gekauft hat. Wie wird das neue Handtuch aussehen? Wird sie uns das neue Handtuch zeigen? Wird es ein deutsches Handtuch sein? Oder ein französisches? Oder ein amerikanisches? Es haben sich bereits große Gruppen von Schulkindern vor ihrer Residenz versammelt und sie alle rufen Handtuch, Handtuch, Handtuch. Dies sind wirklich aufregende Zeiten.

Ich bin Katrin Schafe, live aus Berlin. by our correspondent Geoffrey Tornstad, who has been following the Angela Merkel towel story closely this morning. Good morning, Geoffrey. Yeah, good morning. Now, rumours have been circulating for a while about this, haven't they? Yes, they have. Ever since she stepped down as Chancellor, really, that Angela Merkel would use her spare time that she now has to start the process of researching what a new towel might look like for her. Right. And what can you tell me about what the experts have to say about what it's likely she's going to go for? Well, most of the experts were anticipating a purchase six months down the line after a period of research and development as normal. We know that under

normal circumstances, Angela in the past has liked to buy bespoke made towels made specifically to her very exacting standards. But it looks like recently she may have gone for an off-the-peg towel. And that's caught everyone unawares, I think. It's fair to say that nobody was expecting this. And as such, we just don't know what sort of towel she's gone for, has the former Chancellor opted for a beach towel, a bath sheet, hand towel, one of the smaller variety. We just can't know.

Do we have any indication as to when she might be using this towel for the first time um obviously when she was the german chancellor she would usually uh unveil a new towel at the beginning of the g8 conference or a nato summit or something like that obviously now that she's retired that seems less clear as to when we'll we'll see this towel for the first time this is hard to anticipate isn't it uh of course there is the possibility that she may now feel that as she has retired, she does not need to make her new towel public. If you think back to last year, King William Alexander of the Netherlands bought himself a new towel and at a press conference specially held, he said he wouldn't be sharing any details of the new towel or indeed carrying the new towel out in public. And I think that what happens here with Angela Merkel might consolidate what the trend is now for world leaders. And finally, what does this all mean for beef? Sorry, I'm not sure what you mean. No, no, fair enough.

Thank you, Geoffrey Tornstad. Thank you very much. Joining me now for a bit of balance on that story is controversial columnist Paul Boldart, otherwise known as the equalizer the equalizer oh sorry sorry i didn't know i was going to be called the equalizer paul is here to give us the opposing opinion on this issue and equalize the debate welcome paul what's your take on this sorry sorry i'm not sure i understand what's my take on angela merkle having bought a new towel

yes yes we've heard what jeffrey has to say but we're dedicated to balance here at the world beef bulletin and so we've brought you in to level it off a bit they call him the equalizer sorry sorry nobody calls me the equalizer the equalizer can you stop the equalizer thing, please? Sorry, I honestly can't. The equaliser. There we go. Aylesbury. Look, you believe in media balance, don't you? Well, yes, I suppose so.

Then balance me out, brother. Are you sure you can't just be a bit more oppositional about this? All right. I think Angela Merkel buying a new towel is disgraceful. Here we go. I mean, what kind of a country are we living in if people like Angela Merkel, and Angela Merkel thinks that she can just swan around in her

one of those big novelty swan peddlers that they have. She thinks she can just swan around in one of those with this new towel, this cavalier attitude. Who's paying for that towel? That's what I want to know. I'm 47 years old now. I remember the war. We got a towel at Christmas if we were lucky. And we were grateful. One Christmas, my grandfather, he just gave me a stern talking to. But these days, children, they all want a towel or uh uh the latest towel app i imagine i'm sure that's something for taking off uh so pretty soon we'll all be toweling ourselves down in in the

metaverse um thank you paul some wonderful contrarian arguments there from the equalizer the equalizer i'm sorry i don't know what came over me that i really don't i think i blacked out like i don't really know if any of that made any sense at one point i felt like i was looking down at my own body from above i i sorry i don't think any of that's true if anybody out there's listening and thinks that what I just said might have come from a learned place, please discount that. It was, at best, ill-informed, at worst, harmful. You know what, maybe let's just take this all out and start again, or maybe we can try again tomorrow. This is live, Paul.

Live? Oh. Okay, maybe let's take a different tack on this issue paul what does this mean for beef sorry what does it mean for beef what does angela merkel having a new towel mean for beef yeah what does it mean for beef? It doesn't make any difference. I guess unless it's a cowhide towel or maybe made out of heavy cream. But I don't think that would work very well.

Thanks, Paul. Now it's time to go back over to Rona in New York for the latest headlines. From our news desk in New York, it's Rona Stent. The existence of the city of Boston, Massachusetts has been called into question today after National Geographic sent a reporter there only to discover nothing but a gaping hole in the ground. The mayor of Boston has angrily refuted the allegations, slapping himself and yelling, if I don't exist, how come this hurts? Marine biologists studying the Mariana Trench believe they may have discovered

the world's first subaquatic cow. The creature, which is completely transparent, has 12 legs, and secretes a powerful white neurotoxin from its udders, has been nicknamed Daisy. Scientists say they hope to bring it to the surface for study as soon as it has stopped humping their submarine. On the New York Stock Exchange, shares in employment-oriented online service LinkedIn boomed this morning after the website announced it will be creating its own version of the metaverse. LinkedIn CEO Ryan Roslansky said that the VR experience would be a vortex of despair beyond the limits of the human imagination, as well as the world's number one hub for professional networking. And breaking news, the scientists responsible for breeding a

new race of sexy pandas in China have been sacked due to concerns that the new pandas are simply too sexy and will lead to unsustainable levels of mating. The current batch of sexy pandas with their lustrous eyelashes and come-hither eyes have been culled, outraging activists who claim the bears were too sexy to die. Back to you in Aylesbury. More after this. Back to you in Aylesbury. The World Beef Bulletin. More after this. According to research, 90% of employers plan to make enhancing the employee experience a top priority in 2022.

After all, a happy workplace is key to attracting and keeping great employees. There are many different ways that employers can make their employees happier. For example, flexibility in work schedules, making them feel more valued, and of course, free beef. If you need to add more employees to your team, there's ZipRecruiter. ZipRecruiter technology finds the right candidates for your job and proactively presents them to you. You can easily review these candidates and invite your top choices to apply. presents them to you. You can easily review these candidates and invite your top choices to apply. Try it for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash beef. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash B-E-E-F. Online and on longwave radio, this is the World Beef Bulletin. The latest news from the beef world and beyond. Live From New York to Berlin

to Aylesbury. Okay, I should have the Argentinian Culture Minister on the line, Alejandro Gomez. Mr. Gomez, I'm very sorry about the technical problems we've been having so far this morning, but hopefully you can hear me fine. So this is Dr. Sam Archer calling back with an emergency

follow-up to what we discussed earlier. Dr. Archer, I really am supposed to be talking to the Argentinian Culture Minister. Can this wait? It's regarding the sensitive issue that we discussed earlier, which I do not want to share for patient confidentiality reasons. Everyone already knows that I've eaten the candle. Okay, yeah. Oh, hang on.

I've got an email through from you. You've spoken to the consultant. You've got some questions for me. Sorry I haven't been able to answer those questions because I am literally doing a live news broadcast. First question, did I eat anything after swallowing the candle? I'm assuming no. Well, no.

Actually, after eating the candle, I did follow it up with a very high-end bolognese. Oh, God. Okay, because he just says that there's a chance whatever you ate, bolognese especially. Was it a steaming bolognese? Very hot, steaming, very rich bolognese, yeah. What he's suggesting is that maybe the bolognese

would have would have uh melted the the wax inside your stomach then as it cools the the wax would have hardened creating a perfect mold of your stomach in your stomach in a phenomenon known as um a two swords belly actually he has uh been in contact with the people at madam two swords and they've encountered some of these things before yes i'm just reading in your email, it says that a toddler bit the wax finger of E.T. clean off at Madame Tussauds, and that

child is fine now, and turned out to be Orlando Bloom. Orlando Bloom. It's Orlando Bloom. But he... Sorry, what? It's the toddler's now grown up, and is the actor orlando bloom who ironically has a waxwork in mother of two swords so um it's the circle of life if anything

okay so that's encouraging news from our point of view i'd say so um so so so i'm going to talk you through some of the techniques that were used back then to ultimately save a toddler and allow him to grow up and ultimately to marry the pop star Katy Perry. Right. What I'd like you to do is try and focus on making the wick travel downwards. When you say downwards, are you saying you want me to shit the wick? It could be essential. If you could, just focus and try to shit the wick. Hopefully very soon you'll see a thin amount of what looks like rope protruding.

That's when things get difficult. I'm going to have to ask you to light it. It's the only way. So you're saying that all those years ago, toddler orlando bloom yes shat out a wick and then they lit it and now he's married to katie perry who sang may i remind you baby you're a firework wow that's no coincidence surely i think you may have hit upon something there wow obviously i don't think all of those those um elements were connected i don't think katie perry married him because he shit a wick that he then set fire to do you think it's worth us

getting in contact with katie perry do you think that might help i'd say at this stage it wouldn't be useful other than maybe she could get orlando on on the phone and he could give you some coping advice but I'll be honest it was a long time ago and I think he's tried to put that that chapter of his life behind him okay I mean I'm just thinking like you know obviously I'm doing this this news bulletin at the moment yeah and we've had some technical challenges but it feels to me like it's going well but imagine how well it would go if you know at the end as a kind of finale katie perry sang baby you're a firework live and and lit my arse wick okay i'm gonna have to ask you to snap out of this um you're getting carried away with some some i'd say frankly impossible logistics here um we just want to focus on you the candle and your lower intestine for now. The World Beef Bulletin.

Okay, now it's time to go over to the World Beef Bulletin Weather Centre to get the latest weather from Sophie Pollock. How are you doing, Sophie? I'm fine, thanks. Are you okay? I heard you've been eating candles. No, no, I haven't been eating candles. I ate one candle.

And also, if that isn't relevant, please just give us the global weather report. Thank you. The global weather? Yes, please. Sorry, you want me to do the weather report for the whole of the Earth? Yes, please, Sophie. Well, that's going to take ages, like literally hours. Right.

Well, maybe just give us the gist. Okay, well, very cold at the top and the bottom. Hot around the middle. Sunny spells with patches of rain and snow. Also sleet, probably, somewhere. Highs of 46 degrees centigrade, that's 114 Fahrenheit. And lows of minus 50 centigrade, that's minus 58 Fahrenheit. So remember to pack an umbrella, scarf and sun hat if you're going out today.

Thank you, Sophie. And probably don't eat a candle would be my other advice. Thank you, Sophie. The Global Weather Report is brought to you by Sadie's Beef Palace. Quality meat at donkey beef prices. You bet your ass! Just don't ask where Sadie is. Sadie went to jail.

Oops! Now, in Finland, there are proposals to arm parking inspectors with guns that fire hot glue. Christopher Remillard from the UK Traffic Warden Union National Tribunal, or U-TWANT, what do you make of this? Well, it's a disgrace! Thank you, Christopher. And Eileen Portbury from the think tank the Medieval Solutions Unit, what do you think?

If you ask me, it's a step in the right direction! Thank you, Eileen. Let's see what our contrarian columnist, The Equaliser, makes of all this. The Equaliser! Did you even read any of my columns? No, didn't need to. Your reputation

very much precedes you, Equalizer. I'm not an equal... I write columns about garden design. My producer told me that you're a controversial columnist.

I suppose so. I said the Forsythia is the best spring flowering shrub. It's a big call and I made it. Look, listen, can you just give your opinion

about Finland arming parking inspectors with guns that fire hot glue, please? I don't think that's real. It is. It doesn't sound plausible, does it? Okay, Paul. What does this mean for beef? Oh, I don't know.

Debate equalised. The following news segment is sponsored by Sadie's Beef Palace. Premium meat at donkey beef prices. You bet your ass! All meat comes pre-shaved.

Aylesbury. Now, obviously we can tell you what the news looks like from the perspective of our high-tech news centre here in Aylesbury. But we want to know what you think. That's why every day here on the World Beef Bulletin, we want to hear your thoughts on the day's news. What do you think? Sponsored by Sadie's Beef Palace. Sadie needs money for lawyers. Who do we have on line one? Hello,

my name's Julie Bagshot. Hello, Julie Bagshot. Thanks for calling in. What is it that you want to say? Well, I'd like to complain about my next door neighbour, Susanna. Now, she likes her food, does Susanna. Sorry, Julie, sorry to cut you off. Which world news story is this responding to, sorry? So she won't have cereal in the morning or toast. It's got to be a cooked breakfast every morning julia i'm i'm gonna need you to bring this background to a new story if you can her husband adrian he's a miserable bastard right and he can't stand the smell of her fried eggs sorry julie really um that's enough for you sorry about that that, everyone. Cross lines, maybe. Who have we got next?

Who have we got next? Hello, Julie Bagshot here. Oh, God. So, you know what she does? She's cooking a full English over Cala Gas in my garden every morning at 6am in my garden. Julie, I'm very sorry. Take your Cala Gas camping stove into your own garden.

How about that? Right, sorry, Julie. I'm going to cut you off again. How about that? Right, sorry, Gia. I'm going to cut you off again. Sorry about that. We've obviously been having problems with the phone line today. Hopefully it'll work this time. So who do we have and what do you think? So bald as brass, the next morning she's out there

in her Marks and Spencers dressing gown, right, cooking sausages and eggs on my patio. Now, I'm not too proud to say as she bent down to open that tin of tomatoes I hit her with a spade and her head exploded like a hot melon. So there she was, head cracked open on my patio. I couldn't tell what was beans and what was brains.

Anyway, I had a little sit down and I thought to myself, bloody hell, I've killed someone here. Anyway, me husband's a copper. So I give him a ring and I said, Tony, I've finally done it. I've cracked. I killed Susanna. And he says, don't worry, love. Make yourself a nice cup of tea.

And he's going to sort it all out for me. Lovely cover-up job. It's the sort of thing he does all the time. Tony gets home. And I'm sat there watching me programmes. It's tipping point with our Ben Shepard. He's lovely, him. Anyway, Tony's there, sorting out Susanna on the patio.

He drags her through the hall, puts her in his van, and he said, don't worry, love, I'm just going to dump her in the sea. Anyway, six hours later, he's back. I'll say, where have you been, Tony? He said he went to a red swiff and lobbed her off the pier. So there we are all sorted watching Corrie on catch up with a chippy tea. It was a lovely day. I love my Tony. I love my Tony. It was a lovely day.

Aylesbury. Any thoughts on what you've just heard? Paul Boldart, aka The Equaliser. It sounds like a woman just confessed to murder live on your show. So at least that's actual news. And Rona in New York, what do you make of all that? I don't know that that is murder per se.

Oh, really? Certainly here in the States, if you cook sausages on someone else's lamb, you can really go to town on them. It is all self-defense. At least that's my understanding. Good for Julie, I say. Jesus. Rona, is that true? Oh, absolutely. You have to protect

the land that is yours. I don't understand how cooking sausages, though, represents something that you could self-defense against. It's not... Oh, I can see a million reasons. I mean, look, I went to law school for a year. You know that. And, you know, what if what if Julie had a pet pig? Can you imagine somebody coming onto your land and cooking pork sausages in front of your pet pig? They should die for that. It's completely legal here. I'll take your word for it. OK, now it's time for our final set of headlines from Rona. From our news desk in New York, it's Rona Stent. The Japanese negotiating team at the G7 summit have tested positive for performance enhancing drugs after arousing suspicions by

negotiating a record-breaking 1,500 trade deals in 48 hours before collapsing in a puddle of urine. The team have been sent home. The world's oldest man has said the secret of his long life is a daily tipple and savoring the rich red blood of his enemies. Salvador Gonzalez from Uruguay told reporters that a shot of tequila and the knowledge that those he hated preceded him into the dirt keep him feeling young. In England, hundreds of wild hyenas have been released into Coventry City Center. A spokeswoman for reintroduction body Natural England said, They were never native here. It's just a bit of fun. And the Pope has hinted that he may resign, deciding he's more spiritual than religious,

and God is probably more like an energy or something. He has announced that he's currently exploring other faiths, such as one that's mainly about getting massages and doing magic mushrooms. is probably more like an energy or something. He has announced that he's currently exploring other faiths, such as one that's mainly about getting massages and doing magic mushrooms in a field. The World Beef Bulletin. And let's finish with a classic and finally story. Did you ever hear about the pig who thought it was a racing car driver? That's the case of Bentley, the pot bellied pig who learned how to drive a golf cart driver that's the case of bentley the pot-bellied pig who learned how to drive a golf cart and whose video has gone viral all across the internet this week and with me on the line now i have bentley's owner roy roy how does it feel to have an internet star

as a pet oh god oh no oh god he's just crashed it. He's crashed the golf cart. Oh, Muriel. Muriel, call the vet. Oh, jeez, Bentley. Muriel. Muriel, call the vet now. He's taking a cling through the greenhouse. Muriel.

Oh, Bentley, please. Oh, God. Muriel. Can you do mouth-to-mouth on a pig? What do you want her then? Come on. Oh, God. Oh, wait.

Oh, wait, he's breathing. Oh, he's all right. He's getting back on his feet. He's getting back on the golf cart. No, Bentley, no, no. Thank you, Roy. Now, that should be the end of the show, but I've just been told by my producers

that they have successfully lined up Argentinian Culture Minister Alejandro Gomez to talk about the new Argentinian flag. Mr. Gomez. I'm going to stop you there. It's Dr. Sam Archer again. Right. I have some good news and some good news.

I'll come out and say it. Okay. Right. I spoke again with Dr. Reeves and the fact that you answered the um answer the call is promising so he says that basically the fact that you're alive now means that um that you're you're probably fine um he says that swallowing a candle is sort of a bit like being in jail sort of if you survive the initial 24 hours then um then everything else

should be it should be fine and and and you're okay, you said. Well, I'm alive, so here we are. Well, yeah, take that as a win. He then said, I don't know how to say this. So he asked if, it all sounds quite spectacular. You were mentioning Katy Perry and lighting the arse wick and her singing and all these things. And I said we were chatting about that. We have quite a sort of a high end gala coming up for some of the hospital's biggest donors.

And, well, we thought that sounded like quite a fun idea, like a good a good end to the evening. a fun idea like a good a good end to the evening um i suppose what i was asking here is would you be willing to for a fee of course um perform that act um sort of as part of the as part of the the closing of the of the gala does that sound like something you'd be willing to do will the real katie perry be there we've made inquiries and uh, where are we? Hang on, I'll just bring up the email that she, so she's responded saying, that sounds incredible. I can rearrange my tour and be there. And then she's offered some dates and times. So if I was to sort of cross-reference those with you,

would that be something you'd be interested in? Yeah, I think so. I mean, yeah. I mean, anything I can do for you in the hospital, then obviously it'd be interested in yeah i think so i mean yeah i mean anything i can do for you in the hospital then obviously it'd be great to meet casey perry lovely and finally get all this wax out of my system as well um so yeah that's all positive to be honest and will orlando bloom be there or will that bring back sort of quite bad memories for the guy um i was going to surprise you with this on the day but um in preparation orlando bloom has actually swallowed a candle

himself um he says he brought it back to his childhood and what they want to do is they sort I was going to surprise you with this on the day, but in preparation, I actually swallowed a candle himself. He said he brought it back to his childhood. What they want to do is they sort of want to do a double, if that's okay. So it would be both of you either side of Katie, who will have a taper of some kind, and she'll light the two of you and then start singing. Wow.

Yeah. Wow. I mean, who'd have thought last night when I ate a candle thinking that it was a starter that less than 24 hours later i'd be being booked to perform you know live with katie perry and orlando bloom it just shows isn't it that like whatever life puts in front of you just swallow it if i was to give my my professional as a doctor, if life puts something in front of you, swallow it. Thank you, Dr. Sam.

I'll be in touch about sorting that out. Great. Okay. I'll send over the details. How exciting. Best of luck with the rest of the bulletin. And I hope you get to speak to the chap that you're trying to get hold of. Breaking news on that one.

We've just heard that, sadly, Mr. Alejandro Gomez has been hit by a golf cart piloted by a pig. And we wish him all the best with his recovery. So that's the end of today's World Beef Bulletin. We're back tomorrow. Until then, beef out. Online and on longwave radio. The World Beef Bulletin. The latest news from the beef world and

beyond live whoa there from new york to berlin to aylesbury sponsored by sadie's beef palace quality meat at donkey beef prices You bet your ass Aylesbury Aylesbury Aylesbury You bet your fine ass Aylesbury Well that was a fucking disaster

We're still on air Fuck Nope Thanks to Linnea Sage Tom Crowley Gemma Arrowsmith We're still on air. Fuck! Nope. Thanks to Linnea Sage, Tom Crowley, Gemma Arrowsmith, Tom Neenan, Rajiv Kharia, Tim Bick, Henrika Alexis, Holly Watson, and Madeline Brettingham. Hi, I'm Janet Varney. And just like you, I survived high school. And we're not alone.

On my podcast, The JV Club, I invite some of my friends to share the highs and lows of their teen years. Like moments with Aisha Tyler. But when you're a kid, the stakes are just pretty low. Go to school, try not to get in trouble, get laid. Jamila Jamil. I watched television probably every waking hour during that time, and I was shit-faced on medicine. And Dave Holmes. We talked and talked, and then everybody left. It was just us two, and I was like, I love you.

Learn how you too can be a functioning adult after the drama and heartbreak of high school. Every week on The JV Club with Janet Varney. Find it on Maximum Fun, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is a judgment-free show. We have wasted this world. Our magic put a storm in the sky that has rendered the surface of our planet uninhabitable. But beneath the surface, well, that's another story entirely. In a city built leagues below the apocalypse, survivors of the storm forge paths through a strange new world.

Some seek salvation for their homeland above. Others seek to chart the vast undersea expanse outside the city's walls. And others still seek, what else? Fortune and glory. Dive into the Aethersea, the latest campaign from the Adventure Zone, every other Thursday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you listen to podcasts. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.