Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 98 - Hogball Goes Professional

Episode Date: June 18, 2023

John Luke Roberts, Miles Jupp and Greig Johnson join in this month as we hear about the launch of the new professional Hogball league, the HBL. TICKET LINK FOR LIVE SHOW AT LONDON PODCAST FESTIVAL ON SEPTEMBER 16 2023:In-hall tickets: https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/comedy/beef-and-dairy-network/Live-stream tickets: https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/comedy/online-streaming-beef-and-dairy Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.com Music credit courtesy of epidemicsound.com:The Atonement / Christoffer Moe DitlevsenBirds On The Roof / Million EyesLily's Dance / Million EyesChicken Chase / Kikoru

Hello. Stick around to the end of the show because I have news of our next upcoming live show. The Beef and Dairy Network is sponsored by LactoBulk, the new milk bulking agent from Mitchell's. If it's not Mitchell's, get back in the truck. When a teaspoon of LactoBulk is added to a gallon of milk, it instantly creates 10 gallons of fluid. It also creates an incredible amount of heat, which quickly turns the surface of the milk into a superheated milk steam, perfect for keeping a barn warm or steam roasting an intruder. For 10% off your first shipment of lactobulks, simply use the code MYFACEMYBEAUTIFULFACE! hello and welcome to the beef and dairy network podcast the number one podcast for those involved

or just interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds the beef and dairy network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website, as well as the printed magazine, brought to you by Lactobulk. Now, if you are a regular listener to the podcast, you may remember that two years ago, we spoke to former bovine dressage champion turned sports entrepreneur William Hester about his plans to professionalise the traditional English folk sport of hog ball. A simple game, which doesn't actually feature a ball, in which two teams of five on cowback, brandishing jousting lances, compete to chase a pig into a hole, it began in the early medieval period as a sport where two teams of local common folk

would chase a witch into a pit. In fact, what many people don't realise is that almost all modern sports began in a similar way. For example, the modern Olympic heptathlon grew out of a traditional mayday event in which competitors had to outrun a witch, jump over a witch, throw a witch, and then run 100 metres while jumping over 10 evenly spaced witches. William believed that with the right amount of investment, the modern sport of hogball, in association with Hyundai, could rival the popularity of football's Premier League. And just two years later, I'm pleased to report that with huge injections of money from his major

sponsors Korean car giant Hyundai and the actor David Duchovny, Hester has made his dream a reality. In fact, Hyundai signed the biggest sponsorship deal of all time, and in return for their investment, every time the word hogball in association with Hyundai is said in public media, it is followed by the following piece of audio. In association with Hyundai. See? Hogball. In association with Hyundai? Hogball. If you live in the UK, you may have noticed that 20 brand new gigantic Hogball Stadia have gone up across Britain, and 20 new Hogball teams have been established, including the Northampton Lance Wizards, a team owned entirely

by David Duchovny himself. With his investment, a new 200,000-seater stadium called Gillian Anderson Park has been built, and it was here where the first match of the new professional HPL took place when the Lance Wizards took on the South Exeter Hoof Captains last month. when the Lance Wizards took on the South Exeter Hoof Captains last month. We'll speak to William later. But first, I spoke to someone who was part of that 200,000-strong throng, Sandy Willis, a man from Northampton who lives with his father Chris, a lifelong Hogball fanatic.

You know, he's such a fan of Hogball. In association with Hogball. I think, like, he never thought that we'd see the day when Hogball In association with Hyundai became professional pursuit, you know, that we could go

to a proper league with all the, you know, all the Rasmus Towers around that. We never thought we'd see this day. So I thought,

you know what, I think this will be special for him. I'll get him some tickets. So talk to me about your father's relationship with Hogball. In association with Hyundai.

I believe he is a uh a passionate amateur practitioner of hog ball in association with hyundai well of course he's now largely coaching um right at the age of 67 it's not a great game to be playing but no he played it all his life in the amateur leagues um yeah so he's loved it for a long time now sandy you yourself don't play hog ball in association with hyundai was there pressure from your father to to share his passion for the sport yeah uh there was a pressure i think it was hoped that that that as his only son i would go into hogball in association with hyundai after him but i couldn't i couldn't i condition. I have a condition. I have a very specific phobia. It's called helixotryphobia. And that's a fear of spirals. I can't look at a spiral without being really overcome by fear. So obviously, I can't be behind a pig because of those tails.

The spirally tail, yeah. Especially the idea of that spiral. Sorry if this will affect you. That spirally tail yeah especially the idea of that spiral sorry if this will affect you that's by would you mind would you mind actually not saying spiral could you use a different word the um the kind of circular um nature of of the tail that itself then spinning as the pig spins down the hole creates a kind of double helix. Absolutely. And that's it. So that even if I could like gather myself together to play, well, I know that a victory, if I'm involved in that victory is going to like double my fear. How can you celebrate at that point when you,

you know, you're, you're pretty much vomiting on the, on the back of a cow. So I, I can't play, but I can watch it because you know you can you can pick your angle um and it's really just that just that sort of circular

view down a spiral which is the problem i can look at one from the side and that's fine you know so you could look at a tornado for example oh i could look at a tornado no problem but if i got sucked into the tornado i'd be very scared i'd be very scared you know when it became clear that you had this problem was your father disappointed that you had this phobia and that you weren't able to to do what he loved to do a disappointed is a strong word um he would sort of disappointed is a strong word um he would sort of whenever i would say oh i can't do that or whenever the topic would come up he would sort of huff there'd be a like a and so i you know i can't read exhales but that's what he'd do

so i don't think he certainly wasn't delighted about it. I mean, I had a school friend, actually, quite a good friend. He'd be around a lot after school, things like that, you know, come around and we'd play Duck Hunt together on that Nintendo thing. And then him, Martin, he did take up amateur hogball. In association with Hyundai. And actually, my dad really took him under his wing, like would take him along every Sunday, really started cheering Martin.

It was his biggest fan, really, really facilitated Martin's career. And I think that did cause a bit of a rift. There was certainly a distance between me and my dad because he was spending the lion's share of his free time with Martin. Hoping to get into his father's good books, Sandy resolved to buy tickets for them both to attend the world's first professional hog ball in association with Hyundai.

Fixture. I see the, I think it was in the back page of a magazine. It said, finally, hog ball. In association with Hyundai. And I read it and I thought, oh my God. And in fact, I remember exactly, I saw that tickets were available because it said tickets available. And I saw it and I thought, I can make dad love me. Simple as that. Simple as that. Simple as that. However, the tickets were so sought after that all 200 000 sold out through the website in under a minute luckily for sandy though he knew of another way to secure tickets there's a guy uh in the pub

um don't know surname he sort of goes by long fingers jimmy and he will he sort of dares you to do things um in exchange for things that he has. And he always seems to have everything. So I got, you know, decades ago, got a DVD of The Matrix off him. I forgot to lick the cubicle. Lick the cubicle, not the lavatory itself, you know. Right. Oh, so he's a kind of dare merchant yeah he says oh i'd well i i'll yeah maybe i'll give it to you if i dare you to and then he says

the thing he dares you to do and so you go oh i don't really want to do that there's never nice dares well it was once actually once there was a kind of um well, I dare you to have a nice sit down. And I thought, oh, is this a trick? It wasn't. I had a nice sit down. And then he gave me the DVD that I was after. So it's mainly DVDs? It's just any entertainment. It just happened to be DVD that time as well.

Lots of entertainment things, DVDs, cassette tapes back in the day, theater tickets. cassette tapes back in the day uh theater tickets i got a ticket to the touring production of mary poppins because i was willing to um shout out a window i've just farted out this window he's not he's not the most evented guy um and and do the do the kind of um the dares get bigger in magnitude compared to the popularity of the yeah there's of the entertainment so absolutely no correlation oh really yeah the the things that he's made people do for like really available products wow and then at the same time you know he he got he got like a a jump the queue ticket to the queen's lying in state and to do that all katie had to do was um say actually i like you very much jimmy you're a good friend so he's a real agent of chaos this guy he is that's it exactly he's a

kind of lord of misrule agent of chaos type he's like the joker in the dark knight or dale winton in supermarket sweep he's got a kind of goblin vibe he is gobbling he's very handsome it's strange he's got he's got goblin energy but to is goblin. He's very handsome. It's strange. He's got goblin energy, but to look at him, you'd think, well, you must have an upstanding job and a really good life. And does he? He hasn't. I should say he hasn't. I've no idea.

He's a real enigma, to be honest. I mean, he gets all this stuff somehow, so I guess he's at least independently wealthy. I should ask him about himself sometime actually i've never really just sat down with him and had a chat and can i just ask i um so my my wife margaret her mother um is a huge fan of jersey boys i mean unbelievable the the length to which her life is is orientated around that musical is absolutely staggering. I meant to be going next weekend to Jersey Boys.

I said I'd bought the tickets. I hadn't bought the tickets. And now it's sold out because people are absolutely obsessed with this show. And I don't know why. Why are they so obsessed? No, I do get it. The music's good. The music's good. No, I do get it, actually. I'm sorry it's

superb it's superb i'll see what i can do i'll i'll send jimmy a text so there's everything this guy can do how many tickets do you need um so it's me wife two kids margaret's mother and she's bringing her new um she's in a a menage she's like a new menage a trois with two elderly gentlemen. Oh, a polyamorous thing. Yeah. Yeah, I think she's getting to that. Right, yeah. So seven.

Yeah, so there's at least two, I think, gentlemen that she's going to bring. But she could... As you say... You want one spare. Yeah, exactly. You don't know the size of the polycule. Okay. Well, message to me about that.

I'll see what he... What he he he well if he has them and then if he does have them what what you need to do yeah like if i have to like shut my dick in a car door or something like i feel like i want me to propose that do you want me to suggest i don't know it feels like i'm too much the author of my own demise if you say this well I mean that is one he uses I did that once what did he get? I got tickets to hearsay

yeah so I don't want to like put that in his head so don't mention the do you want me to allude to it? I don't really know why I even brought that into the conversation right yeah well I don't know why I brought that into the conversation to be honest. Right, yeah. Well, I won't mention it.

Shall I say anything car door related? Dot dot dot question mark? Or is that too... No, because I feel like it suggests itself, doesn't it? Right. Sorry, I may have got the wrong stick. Do you want to shut your dick in a car door? No, I want to see Jersey Boys with my family. Oh. Well, I don't

think he's going to be willing... Yeah, he's not going to be willing to take that as a dare because that's what you're asking no i understand that yeah no i don't i don't really want to do any of the dares i sort of i'm in the corner here it feels like this guy you want him to come up with a dare i don't know because you know him better than i do i've drafted this i've drafted the message okay it says uh friend wants eight tickets to jersey boys next weekend stalls probably like decent tickets okay okay just written that in um what's the circles fine as well well which it i'll say stalls and then see you know because he does sometimes like to bargain dare question mark question mark and i'll send that yeah yeah how quickly is he going to get like wait sometimes oh yeah straight away yep he has eight tickets dare in capitals colon he's got to shut his dick in a car door okay how did he know

that actually how did he know that's a real coincidence that's a real the universe is a like really strange strange place that's amazing to be fair that is one of his favorite dares that is that's that's like one in two i think he goes for the dick in the guard or as i say he's not very inventive okay i mean i think to be honest you know if i can bite down on a on a wooden spoon or something i think it's not the end of the world i'd say this like i would say is it all right if he bites down on a wooden spoon but then he'll say no whereas if you just don't mention it it will probably be fine and to be honest like the thought of my my wife's mother carrying on with his that group of guys i mean that makes me want to slam my dick in a car anyway so right yeah but you might maybe

you should see someone to talk about that because i don't see why you should really have any issues with your your mother-in-law sex life i mean she's not your mother no it's just like do i have like she'll stay in our house with them with them in the spare room like how do you do that bed wise how big's the bed? They just take the patio. Oh, right. Yeah. Fill a paddling pool with sweet honey mustard mayo, salad dressing, open a box of wine, and just, you know, get on with it.

Oh, right. Yeah. Anyway, that's my life. Let's talk about your life. So, you ask Longfinger Jimmy for the tickets. He says, sure. He obviously issues you with with the dare um what was it i had to get a four packs worth of tinned black olives uh up my arsehole okay so so i did that did he provide the the olives yeah you know he's a generous man he paid for them he provided them to me he gave me the can open to get it open and he lent me his funnel you can't say fairer than that can you no no he's a good he's a he's a he's a good egg he's

a good egg a really weird man we'll hear more from sandy later but first it's time to hear from william hester the man behind the world's first professional hogball in association with hyundai league the hbl i started by asking him how he feels about the way in which the actor david dacovani has become the public face of the league maybe overshadowing william's own contribution yeah i think i think people you know, there's a lot of people involved, aren't there? There's a lot of people involved and obviously some people will get

more credit, will be more talked about than others, but I'm not I've never been about putting myself front and centre. What matters to me is that it happens. If one of the side effects of hogball starting association with hyundai starting to really take a hold of this country is people talking more about david dacovny best

known of course for the x-files and and beethoven and and the film beethoven of course then you know 10 years ago that as a situation had been described to me i'd have thought this sounds absolutely mad how are these things connected but if that is now one of the sort of side effects, then I'm happy about that in a way, because it means that the Hogball League is happening. So the rumours aren't true, that there's a power struggle at the heart of Hogball between yourself and David Duchovny and his team?

You know, he is the public face that I'm... If that's how it is, that's how it is. and David Duchovny and his team? You know, he is the public face that I'm... I'm... If that's how it is, that's how it is, but I don't want you to think for a moment that it makes me even slightly angry. Not even slightly angry. William has raised an estimated £60 billion in the last two years to set up the league.

The majority of this money has gone into the construction of 20 brand new gigantic hog balls in association with Hyundai Stadia. And they are new. It's not like that sort of hospital situation where people would fit a new ramp at the back of an existing hospital and say, oh look, we built a new hospital, only 39 more to go. They are brand new.

We went round, we knocked on people's doors we insisted we buy their homes their homes were then raised to the ground and we built for the for the benefit of the community that we had was displaced these these these new stadia uh you know and they are each and every one is they are they are cathedrals they are fantastically well designed i think there are names that people have been banding about for too long um ren that people will actually stop thinking now because, hello, some new boys are in town and, crikey, look what they've knocked up. Do you think that, you know, St Paul's Cathedral, for example,

will be in the shadow? Well, it's now literally in the shadow of one of your new stages. It's literally in the shadow, isn't it? Yeah, where the Old Gate Falcons play. I mean, all of them, a lot of the buildings on that part of, I mean, even the Tower of London is in

the shadow. There's a few criticisms that have been levied at your stadium building project. Well, you know, I mean, that's modern Britain, isn't it? I mean, as soon as you say the word criticism, I sort of glaze over, to be honest.

Can I just run through them and just get some reaction from you? Why aren the hogball in association with hyundai games taking place in for example football stadiums or rugby stadiums obviously hogball in association with hyundai takes place in the summer it's the off season of the football and rugby matches so it would be easy enough to ground share with with the existing clubs so that's where you you you say you say that that this is a sort of criticism leveled at us by people that don't know enough about hogball in association with hyundai there are no and i've been to nearly every single professional football stadium in the united kingdom of great britain and northern ireland none of them have

at each end a 40 or 50 foot hole. Not one of them. I mean, I didn't set out wanting to build 20 new stages, but it became necessary because simply the holes, you know, the holes weren't there. And that is an essential, that is an essential part of a, of a hog ball.

In association with Hyundai. Field, isn't it? And of course, another essential part of a hog ball. In association with Hyundai. Field is that it is wider than it is long. Exactly, exactly.

And all of the football grounds I went to, they were longer than they were wide. So again, can you see why this was becoming impossible? Okay, and the final kind of category of criticism, I would say, just comes under the headline of UNESCO. Yeah. God, they send a lot of emails, don't they? If I have another email in my inbox with the subject heading do you know what heritage even means i well i won't touch you because they are they are blocked i just what what is meant to last forever

honestly what what lasts forever it is the only you know remaining roman mausoleum in the northeast of england you can't just please stop the diggers i'm sorry but this is it's just people standing in the way of progress isn't it are we honestly to live in a country where literally everything that's ever happened is to be preserved in aspic you know you could look at a bomb site and say well that was a memorial of the second world war or you could think right let's knock up a couple of towers full of student nurses i mean and who would be right in that situation don't answer we both know i think there's some sympathy for your point of view we can't you know we can't live in complete stasis forever that's fair enough but at the same time was it uh right for you to knock

out a bit of hadrian's wall if you if you look at the reasons for which hadrian's wall was originally built are are those do those continue to be valid reasons that's a question okay so i mean i guess the original reason was to keep marauding picts away from the Roman Empire. Yeah. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, is that a problem that has been dealt with or not been dealt with? I would say it's currently been dealt with, yeah. Yeah, it's been dealt with. So basically, what Hadrian's Wall was put up to achieve, that has been achieved.

Job done, tick, well done. Knock that off the to-do list. It no longer needs to be there. What do you make of the nervousness around your recent press release that went out that was saying that you planned to... The Stonehenge project. The Stonehenge project, yeah. I just think, again, that's another thing.

You can't say, well, that's already done. No one even knows what it's for. And it gets to a point where, you know, like something in the kitchen, you know, you sort of maybe like you put like an Allen key aside or a bolt. And after someone said, what is this even for? It goes in the bin, doesn't it? Now they've had, I'm sorry, but how much leeway do they need? They don't know what it's for.

It doesn't serve any purpose. I'm sorry, it's got to go. Well, people don't necessarily know exactly why it was built, but I guess what it's for now is there are certain kinds of people who will go there and, I don't know what it is, what, worship the sun? Why do you need to go to one place? Can you think of an object more visible than the sun?

Can you? No. So it seems ludicrous. Oh, we've got to go there so we get a more visible than the sun can you no so it seems ludicrous that oh we've got to go there so we get a better view of the sun what on earth are you talking about i'll tell you where else you can see the sun every single one of the 20 hog board in association with hyundai stadia that have just been erected in this once great nation of ours so it's it's complete it's i'm sorry it it it doesn't wash with me And that is why the diggers are primed and they are ready. The tanks are full of petrol. It will happen. And what about the people then who congregate around Stonehenge? As Kevin Costner never once said,

if you raise it to the ground, they will not stay. And so, on June 3rd, 2023, dawn broke on the first day of the professional era of hog ball in association with hyundai long fingers jimmy had come through with a pair of tickets and sandy was getting ready for the big day 7 a.m i hear dad getting up to go and you know get ready he goes into the bathroom i think i'm gonna get and march on run down making breakfast you know so we get to start the day properly so i get the porridge on the hob i'm stirring that and then i see um got this french windows sort of side of the house and uh i see martin is just standing there um dressed in hog ball in association with hyundai paraphernalia like a

pro hog ball in association with hyundai t-shirt um hogball in association with hyundai you know proper the shorts you have to wear for hogball in association with hyundai he's got his hogball in association with hyundai shoes on he's got a hogball in association with hyundai baseball cap he's he's looking like not only is he there but he's there in a hogball in association with hyundai capacity dad comes downstairs i'm stirring the porridge and and dad sort of says oh hi and i said what's martin doing here and dad says oh i don't know i'll go and i'll go and find out and then he goes through he opens the door and martin is there and say oh looking forward to this hog ball in association with hyundai match you're taking me along to and dad he sort of saw you of huffs, he likes huffing,

and he says, All right, Sandy. I told Martin that I would take him to the Hogpole. In association with Hyundai. Match, because that's what I want to do, and I would like you to give me that ticket that you have now so I can give it to Martin, because I will never love you.

And I know that's what you're doing it for. I can tell. And I would like to enjoy my day and not had it marred. And I will say marred, this is what he said, marred just a little bit by your presence, because honestly, you can barely make me feel any emotion at all. That's what he said. Wow wow that's an incredibly insensitive thing for someone to say especially to someone who's recently crammed their anus full of olives to get these tickets well this is and this is when i told them about the olives that's i said dad i put four tins of thing I would expect you to do. And just the sort of reason I have for not loving you even at all a little bit.

Ah, backfired. Yeah. Yeah, it backfired. Yeah. But to be honest, like at that stage, I don't think anything could have said would would have made him speak differently i mean i can't know what's in his heart i don't know if what's in his heart is the same as what comes out of his mouth what i did know at that point was there was no fucking way i was letting martin having that ticket and i was going to go along out of spite and even if it would only upset my dad a

little bit i knew it would really get to martin and he was my friend remember he used to be my friend he was my friend until my dad took him from me yeah and now it sounds really like your dad thinks of him as as his son really um i don't know if martin has a father of his own but uh he does actually he does i think my dad maybe does think of him in a son-like fashion martin i mean martin has his own biological father but then just keeps collecting fathers from the local community the amount of people who treat martin like a son it's wild he's got about i think 14 or 15 on the go at the moment just wow almost every 12 out of those yeah yeah 12 out of those 14 15 fathers have sons so he's kind of like cheating on his real dad with some

other dads and he's also cheating on those dads is it exclusive do they know that he's got other dads uh i mean it's hard to say i certainly his dad doesn't mind about him having other dads because his dad's you know a very sort of interesting individual you know he's not like a normal uh well his dad's long-fingered jimmy you know he's a he's an oddball oh yeah right yeah okay yeah you know you don't go around collecting dads for no reason so your dad's you know he's got this kind of father-son relationship with martin does he realize that mart Martin's doing this all over town? Yeah, they've had a lot of conversations about it. I hear a lot of conversations in the living room when my dad's going,

look, I'd rather you weren't seeing all these other fathers. But Martin really, like, it's funny. You watch him just kind of twist it. He's very good at those kind of conversations. And dad always leaves it saying, like, oh, no, no, you're right. No no you're right no you're right no please don't well don't leave me i need you no if you that's what you need if you need all these other dads that's fine by me no i i that's fine by me just don't leave me son please don't leave me i won't have anybody if you leave me even though he's got we've got real yeah that's which that's quite painful to hear yeah so at this point dad took his ticket out of his pocket and you could see he'd been doing some thinking you could

see the the cogs whirring and he said you've ruined today for me son and he gave the ticket to martin and he said so you can can go with Martin to this Hogball match. In association with Hyundai. Or you can give me your ticket. But he was quite, he handed it. I mean, I was, I don't know, it's the adrenaline, you know, I think I was in such a state of heightened emotion. The adrenaline rushing through me gave me the speed to intercept that

ticket and so i had both tickets in my hands and i just ran i just ran and i said come on dad you want to see this you come with me uh and i was waiting at the gates to the hogball match then not really sure if martin or dad would turn up like which one was going to be there and it was dad it was dad in the end because ultimately his love for the sport of hogball in association with hyundai trumped his his antipathy towards you yeah yeah and that's um or what i'd like to say is that's one way of putting it that his love of the sport of hogball in association with hyundai trumped his antipathy towards me um but what i i would say that like he actually he didn't hate me enough

to not go to the hot ball in association with hyundai so that that's another way of looking at it it made me feel quite good it was like oh actually things aren't that bad there's some hope here he um he will he will come he will come he He doesn't dislike me enough to not come. But he didn't say a word to me. He just took the ticket and walked in through the turnstiles. I followed and we sat next to each other, but there was no conversation. More after this. Did you know that hiring for an open position can take up to 11 weeks on average?

And if you're hiring, do you really have that kind of time to wait? Of course not. So stop waiting and start using ZipRecruiter. ZipRecruiter can help you find qualified candidates for your roles fast. See why 3.8 million businesses have come to ZipRecruiter for their hiring needs. Go to ZipRecruiter.com slash beef to try ZipRecruiter for free. That's ziprecruiter.com slash b-e-e-f. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. At 3pm, with both teams poised and ready, the umpire's shire horse kicked open the pig trap

and out thundered the first pig of the professional era. This was it. Professional Hog Bull, in association with Hyundai, was here. This epic day, this fight, this fray, shall echo down the years, lest none forget the blood, the sweat, the triumph and the tears. When tales are told of legends old where dauntless deeds are shared. We blessed throng, we happy few shall say yes, we were there. For every heartbeat, every point, each mighty bovine prance.

We heard the roar, we felt the blows, each thunk twixt pig and lance. Watched champions of champions in awestruck disbelief, as thundering forth they fiercely fought upon steeds of hurtling beef. We witnessed the arena

where history unfolds, this sacred ground, yon hallowed turf, oh field of pokes and holes Yes, we may say That on that day We heeded well the call As, praise be to Hyundai We came

We saw Pogball! Pogball! Yes, it's here at last! The wait is over, the anticipation's at weeping point, and human endeavour finally has meaning, as Hogball goes premiere! Let hoggery commence as the irresistible force of Northampton's Lance Wizards

meets the immovable bastards of the South Exeter Hoof Captains. Watch live this Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, to see these titans of the all-new HBL give each other HB hell in what's already promising to be nothing less than one of the most inaugural seasons of sport in the history of sport. Experience live, lengthy and unrivalledly loud coverage with round-the-clock expert analysis of each and every upcoming second, minute and hour of all 487 League games. Never ceasing, never sleeping,

we'll never take our eyes off the pig, ensuring you don't miss a single stand-shaking cheer, breathtaking punt or heart-stopping oink. Will Duchovny's legendary Lance Wizards take the cake? Or the biscuit? Will the hefty hoof captains go home with egg between their legs? You'll be there cos we'll be there when there's nowhere else to be. You've got an appointment with premier pig-punting destiny and when Lady HBL comes knocking, we never pretend we're

not in. Just grab a snack, sit right back, deny thy father and refuse thy name. Empty out your calendar till it just says Hog Ball, Hog Ball, Hog Ball, Hog Ball, Hog Ball, Hog Ball, Hog Ball, Hog Ball, Hog Ball, Hog Ball, Hog Ball, Mum's birthday. Hog Ball, Hog ball, hog ball, hog ball, hog ball, hog ball, hog ball, hog ball, hog ball, hog ball, hog ball, hog ball. Mum's birthday. Hog ball, hog ball, hog ball, hog ball. Cry hog ball and let's flip the dog the hog ball. Which are ten cows and a pig. Yes, tune in this very Saturday for the dawn of a whole new era in sporting gamesman's craft. But not at dawn, though. It's in the afternoon.

In association with Hyundai. So tell me about the match itself um because obviously you went in with this kind of psycho drama going on with your father really yeah that was a difficult it was it was the mood was very difficult like thick the air was thick with it between me and my father but you know the moment that the introductory trumpets played it felt spiritual something happened that day there was a grace in it and there was a glory um i don't know if the clouds opened up and sunlight came through but it's what it felt like and within about like 15 15 it was so short a time 15 minutes of that glorious game beginning. And there was that sound of those hooves thundering around. And then the smaller clitter clatter of the pigs trotters.

Oh my God. I thought, hang on. Has something changed? And I looked at my dad and he looked at me. And it was the first time in, I don't know how many years that he made direct eye contact with me and he looked me in the eyes and he smiled wow and i thought is he really smiling it was a bit kind of mona lisa level to begin with he was he was smiling because those those

corners just kept going up and up and up and his teeth came out and this is it was it the clouds opening the sun coming through was it my dad finally smiling at me after all this time and then he looked back at the game and then he'd look back at me and he'd look between the two things and he put his um he put his hand just on my arm just on my like forearm and that meant the world that's the first time i've... He's certainly any physical contact at all. Except it was a baby, maybe. And then I could hear just like the sort of spittle. His mouth was moving in some way.

And I looked closer because I couldn't quite hear it. It was like he was just whispering under his breath or not even whispering. And he was saying, sorry, son. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Do you forgive me?

And I said, dad, of course I forgive you. I love you, dad. And he said, I love you, Dad. And he said, I love you too. It meant the world. It meant more than match as well. It was really like both teams playing at the absolute top of the game. And it was so close. And they were at each other.

They were putting together. It was poetic. It was balletic. It was absolutely beautiful. Instant classic. Very different styles of play, of course, the two teams. And the contrast. But also, it means that they keep each other in check.

And then, obviously, 15 minutes in, they bring out the new pig. And this new pig had a different demeanour. There was something different about him. I don't know, a cheekiness, certainly. Like, I don't know, his manner was exactly the manner that I would think, you know what, this is the kind of pig Northampton Lance Wizards know how to play. I suppose what people don't realize about hog ball in association with Hyundai a lot of it depends on the type of

pig that you are dealt um you know it's really about who who's at the gate first and inevitably that will sometimes just be a be one of the faster animals that of course suits Northampton's style of play Exeter they like to control the pace which is obviously as you'll know from your own life that's easier with a smaller pig they like a quick pig they're like a cheeky pig and so now bang Mr Quick Pig comes out and that wasn't his real name that's just what yeah it's a. And they almost immediately, God, they were melded together. They were like this incredible machine, but more like artistic and like beautiful, like a wave. They were like a wave, a wave chasing this pig.

And they got him. My God, they got him right down that hole. He went like a greased pig. It went right down. The crowd erupted we were all on our feet outside of the stadium

dad was on his feet I was on his feet and before I knew it like I it was such a I felt this like grip around me

and I didn't know what it was and I realised why I didn't know what it was because it was my dad he was hugging me he was hugging me for maybe the first time in my life.

He was pulling me so close. And, God, the love I could feel, like beating through his arms and through his chest, that moment meant the world to me. That moment was worth every single olive. After a thrilling first 40 minutes, along came half-time. Because it was the first one, it was sort of felt by those around me, and I'm not a man easily swayed, but it was felt by those around me

that it was necessary to have a sort of half-time show. And of course the sponsors, they want to get involved. It's an opportunity for Duchovny, I don't want to say showboat, but also to get involved. And quite a basic format. Hyundai, they've got a lot of new products. They wanted to show these off to these 200,000 fans. And of course, don't forget the whole thing's live on YouTube, so an infinite number of people could be watching.

So basically a convoy of new Hyundai products, many of them electric vehicles, I'm obliged to point out, and they paraded in convoy around the stadium. The final Hyundai comes out and everyone's like, who's that? Is that David Duke? And it was, it was David Duke Offany. Everyone's going crazy because everyone knows the history. Everyone knows what he's done,

how he is responsible for this sport reaching the heights that it's reached. I mean, at that point, I'm thrilled. My dad's thrilled. He turns to me, he says, is that David Ducophony?

And I say, I think that's David Ducophony. At this point, we're pretty sure it's David Ducophony. And, you know, it was David Ducophony. So then David Duchovny gets out this T-shirt cannon. People love T-shirts, especially like projectile ones that are fired at you from a distance by a former star of the X-Files.

And people are clamouring. People are clamouring as soon as they realise it's a t-shirt canon and they are you know, it's all over here David, that sort of stuff. My dad goes wild. Like he is he really wants a hog ball. In association with Hyundai. T-shirt.

Like he's never wanted anything more. He's holding my hand, he grabs my hand with his right hand and with his left one he's punching the air and he's going, I want one, David. Give it to me, David. I want one, David. So loud. I've never heard him or any human actually like carry his voice carries.

And I watch as David Duchovny, he is my dad, looks at the direction he's headed. And bearing in mind, he, you know, your father is one of 200,000 people. One of 200,000 people. And David Duchovny can pick out his voice. Pick out his voice from hundreds of metres away. It's extraordinary. And I'll never forget the moment that, like, David's eyes just swivelled.

Looked straight at my dad. It was electric. So Duchovny, finger on the trigger, gets ready to fire. It was T-shirt time. And I want to kind of, in my heart, I want to keep that moment alive that moment when everything you know was full of hope and full of joy

and um of course it wasn't a t-shirt that david dacovny shot at my father what i didn't realize and i was not alone these cannons, they weren't loaded with T-shirts. Actually, what they've been preloaded with is, and I can understand where they were going with this, hot beef ribs. Now, a hot beef rib, and these things have been on the grill for, you know, proper sort of southern barbecue style cooking. So, you of 10 11 hours something like that they are they are they're seriously hot now this is um obviously going through various legal things at the moment so we have to be careful with the language we're going to use here sandy um i don't think we can say that your father was shot by david dacovny right um he happened to fire a t-shirt cannon in the direction of your father we say shot at by david dacovny um i'll have to run that by the lawyers i think it just to cover ourselves at this stage we're

going to say that david dacovny gifted something to your father at high speed. Okay, well, look, what I can say, and you can check this with your lawyers, is that David Duchovny pulled a trigger, and my father ended up with a hot beef rib in his eye socket. It became apparent that this was an idea that had not been thought through at all well, and, you know, if I'd had less on my plate, I probably wouldn't have signed it off. I'm not here to defend David Duchovny,

but his people are saying that he was, you know, understandably overtaken by the mood of the day. You talk about this incredible mood that's created by the sport, your father's attitude to you changing. It was a sort of space in which right was wrong and up was down do you know what i mean there was a reckless mood to proceedings yeah yeah a sort of midsummer saturnalia was happening in that stadium that's true um but we were all carried along by the mood we were all carried along by the festivity not many of us um in fact

i can only think of one person in that stadium who did uh not many of us shot shot an innocent man through the eye with a hot beef rib okay i'm just going to get you to recount you saying that he was shot with a beef rib if you can put that in more legally neutral language, that would be helpful, I think. Not many of us in that stadium, in fact, I can only think of one person, gifted a hot beef rib to my father through his eye. These things were just showering down on people.

And, you know, eventually you realise, hang on a minute, this isn't cheering, this is something else now. This is screaming. Hot beef ribs are showering down upon tens of thousands of people at a time. And, you know, some of them are understandably in agony. There were people's lungs being punctured by ribs

that were not their own, which I think is unusual. How is your father he he he survived the gifting but the hot fast gifting yep he's he's he's he survived it um but he's lost the sight in one eye and that's a really sad thing to have happened to him because if there's one thing he loves nearly as much as hogball it's 3d cinema and he was so excited yeah and he's so excited now that you know james camera's brought that back with the new avatar film and there's hopefully going to be a new resurgence of it and he's like oh no i can't watch that now i can't enjoy it because well there's three more avatar sequels to come exactly and he's not going to be able to

enjoy those when they come out in the same way because he won't be able to experience the 3d magic because those glasses just won't work when you come out in the same way because he won't be able to experience the 3D magic because those glasses just won't work when you're blind in one eye. Do you not think, though, that if you are a self-professed fan of James Cameron, that there's something to enjoy just in the story? No, in fact, he's always been very specific. He hates the movies. He just loves the experience.

So there's nothing in the story of of of pandora you know at threat from the humans no i agree he doesn't that doesn't resonate with him no i mean i agree i think it's a very moving story i think it's beautiful film but not dad he doesn't um he he like uh one of them came on streaming and so we watched a while back this is before he lost his eye we watched like 10 minutes of it, not in 3D. And 10 minutes in, he just got up and said, come on, Martin, I'm not watching this shit. But eventually, order was restored.

And, you know, once they'd cooled down, actually, they were delicious. As I say, they'd been on a long time. It's a lovely, long, slow cook, of course. And they've got this wonderful, they're been on a long time it's a lovely long slow cook of course and they've got this wonderful they're giving us a wonderful rub beforehand and they're this extra excellent sort of thing which we might start you know selling actually but emerged this wonderful sort of rich gravy and you know there was there was a lot of rib to go around so i think once the worst affected had been ambulanced from the ground, everyone just ate the ribs

that had been gifted them. And there was actually a sort of wonderful sort of sense of community about it, and realising, actually, these people here are all united by one thing, and it's a love of, or a curiosity for Hogball,

in association with Hyundai, and and a desire to eat as much slow cooked beef rib uh as possible i think it was enjoyed just as much by the by the exit a lot and um again if we do this again we will certainly make sure there's more napkins we actually asked your father if he would like to appear on this program he he turned us down right um well he he actually asked whether he said he would be on it only if um he could do it with martin yeah um that doesn't surprise me uh our relationship has soured he sort of blames me, I think, for the... for what happened to him that day,

even though he was the one who was yelling for that t-shirt. Yelling, screaming, like the veins were pulsing in his neck. But for me, I'll always have the memory of when he hugged me for the first time in my

life, and what now looks like for the first time in my life and what now looks like probably the only time, if I'm honest. Well, thank you for sharing your story with us, Sandy. I wish you the best. I hope you and your father can find a way through this. Yeah, all right. If you can just forward on the stuff from Longfinger Jimmy,

does he just do it by text or is it oh like does does he need to be there when i do the slamming or can i just do it on my camera phone and send him it uh he he will want uh he's happy with the video but it has to be verified um by someone he trusts so okay you'll have to you know it depends what your location is um long finger jimmy has has people everywhere oh right okay so he'll kind of send the kind of adjudicator like the guinness book of records yeah absolutely just like the records go with a clip and yeah they do have a clipboard he'll have a clipboard some of them aren't as dependable as long finger jimmy so you could find yourself slamming your penis in a car door and the

guy saying didn't see it do it again do you have like any tips for how i make sure that doesn't happen because i just think i don't i certainly have the fortitude to do it once i think a second time is is going to be too much of a a personal challenge for me you know which actually maybe i'll be able to prove something to myself about my own personal metal, you know? A bit like finishing a marathon or something. But then on the other hand, when I think about it, I think, do I want to repeatedly slam my penis in a car door? Oh, there's only one answer, isn't there? Hop on a train, go to the source itself slam your penis in

a car door in front of in front of long finger jimmy that's the only way to be sure okay well thank you sandy and um i wish you all the best yeah i wish you all the best and good luck with your with you know your penis and i hear jazzy boys is a great show it is good no it is good and um i'm looking forward to it yeah yeah take your mind off your penis following the scores of puncture wounds caused by dacovani's halftime rib gifting spree the rest of the hogball in association with hyundai season has been postponed pending an investigation i asked william whether he thought we'd see any more Hogball in association with Hyundai this year. It's an unknown, isn't it?

I'm very optimistic. Obviously, we've got a fixture list. We've got 20 franchises. We've got 20 stadiums. We've got Duchovny, for heaven's sake. I think people have focused rather too much on what went on at halftime and not enough on the 40 minutes of absolutely gripping action

that we've seen so far, which I have no doubt will be overshadowed by further fixtures in the future. Well, thank you very much, William Hester. Thank you. A big thank you to William Hester and to Sandy Willis for those interviews. HBL matches remain suspended. However, if you hold tickets to any upcoming fixture, if you turn up to the stadium, events are taking place in lieu of the sport.

So, for example, if you were due to go and see the Doncaster Ball Blasters versus Aylesbury Hogball... Aylesbury! In association with Hyundai. At the Ed Miliband Stadium in Doncaster next week, David Duchovny will be doing a live one-man performance of the film Beethoven, with him playing all the parts, including Beethoven the dog. The press release here says that dogs are welcome, especially if they can catch a flying

beef rib. There goes the sound of a man who hasn't learned his lesson. So that's all we have time for this month, but if you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to our website now, where you'll find all the usual stuff, as well as our off-topic section, where this month the cast of Australian soap opera Neighbours tell us their best ways for getting out stubborn stains. So, until next time, beef out Hogball! in association with Hyundai thanks to John Luke Roberts

Miles Jupp and Greg Johnson and just before I go news of a new live show it's the usual annual London Podcast Festival

date we'll be recording episode 101 of the podcast and you could be there um i'll put a link to tickets in the show notes it's on the 16th of september at 2 p.m in king's cross uh in london and a these shows tend to be really good fun and b they do tend to sell out. So if you want to be there, it's worth getting a ticket. Also, if you're not able to be there in person, we are doing a live stream, so you can buy live stream tickets for the show. And if you're in a

different time zone, and for that reason, it's not a good time for you to watch, the recording of the show then, for anyone with streaming tickets will be available for i think a week afterwards or maybe five days i can't remember either five days or a week anyway time for you to watch it so yes um short recap if you want to come tickets are available if you can't come but you want to watch it uh live stream tickets are also available thanks for listening bye all. All right, class. Tomorrow's exam will cover the extinction and de-extinction of the dodo,

PowerPoint as an art form, and the history of Eurovision. Any questions? Yes, you in the back. Uh, what is this? It's the podcast Let's Learn Everything, where we learn about science

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Class meets every other Thursday on Maximum Fun. So do I still get credit for this? No. Obviously not. No, it's a podcast. Hey, let us guess. You love books, but wish you had more time to read. Or maybe you used to read a lot, but life has gotten in the way. Kids, grad school, you name it. Maybe you don't know where to start and bookish social media is overwhelming. How do people on TikTok read so many books? Oh my God, I don't know. And maybe you've been reading the same book for six months and now it's permanently attached to your bedside table. Maybe you don't even know what you like to read anymore.

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