Beef And Dairy Network - Jumanjaniacs Episode 2752

Episode Date: May 12, 2021

It’s MaxFunDrive! To support the show, go to maximumfun.org/joinIt's episode 2752 of the world's favourite Jumanji podcast, Jumanjaniacs.Thanks to Nick Wiger, Heather Anne Campbell and Matt Apodaca.

hello benjamin partridge here i make the beef and dairy network podcast as i said in last week's episode it is currently max fun drive which is when shows on the maximum fun network such as beef and dairy network ask for the support of their listeners and also do fun extra stuff and this i'm very excited about this episode i think it's so much fun so this is because of max fun drive i just want to say a huge thank you to everyone who's already gone to MaximumFun.org forward slash join and signed up as a monthly member. Your support is the reason the show can happen. And I just want to say a huge thank you. Obviously, the show is free, but think of it like tipping a waiter in a restaurant where the meal was free.

Maybe that makes sense. I don't know. Anyway, that address again, maximumfun.org forward slash join. Right. Enjoy the show. Back in 2011, two friends had a dream. To watch Jumanji every day and make a podcast of no less than 180 minutes about it. They quit their jobs and became the Jumanjaniacs.

Hey, Jumanji heads, it's the Jumanjaniacs here, Ian and Michelle. That's right. We're back after our hiatus. We're back, just like the board game Jumanji comes back in the final frame of the movie Jumanji and is seen partially buried in sand on a beach with some French children approaching it. Regular listeners will know that we didn't miss a day since 2011, including eight wonderful Christmas days. You know, until, well, a couple of years ago when some private interpersonal issues meant that we kind of went on an extended hiatus. That's right. Michelle was having some mental health issues where she ended up with this weird delusion that I'd been lingering in her backyard at night. I was. And was like obsessed with her.

That's weird. My mental. That was my mental health. You admitted it. You were in my garden. Look, I. Yes, I told you some things that you wanted to hear. Yeah.

To get you to calm down. I wanted to hear. I may have done that. You weren't wearing a shirt, Ian. You were soaking wet from the waist down. My pants got wet, so I took my shirt off. All right? Look, I'm not going to get into this right now, okay?

I'm not going to get in. We're on Jumanjani, guys. There have been a couple changes, but it's the same old podcast, except that we're now recording it remotely. That's right. I'm here in Pasadena and Michelle is where exactly? Where are you? No, no, no. I'm not going to tell you. We had to move. Ian, we had to move. The police advised us to move. So we did. Right. You know how expensive it is?

Yeah. Yeah. Because I drove by a couple of times and there was no, like there was like a different family there. Oh, right. Okay. So you looked in the window. So, you know,

I was just worried about you. There was nothing to be worried about because the only thing to worry about at our house is you showing up in the middle of the night with your hands inside of a box of Cheerios and your dick out in the backyard. Juman mail. It's time to look at our Juman mail. And we've had so many emails while we've been away. I've just got a selection to read out. This is from Doug in Toronto. Hi, Doug. He writes, I hate the new format with a show being recorded remotely. It really lacks the chemistry that the old episode used to have. Huh, how about that? Wait, uh... But this is the first episode that we've recorded remotely, so...

Shirley from Iowa says, the new format sucks. I still love Jumanji, but without Ian and Michelle in the same room, the podcast just feels wrong. Ian, Ian, these aren't real emails. Ian. Barry from Philadelphia writes, when Ian and Michelle were in the very same studio together in close proximity, you could tell that they were enjoying each other's company.

Especially you could hear that Michelle used to love spending time with Ian. Hmm. Wow. Those are fake. Those are fake emails that you wrote because there's no way that somebody could write those emails because this is our first episode recorded remotely. How would that happen, Ian? Have you even watched the movie Jumanji?

Teaches us that time travel is real. I mean, have you not been paying attention? Ian, you need to get help. Yeah, this is from Doug in Toronto. A few episodes from now after he's heard that the new format 100% does not work. Doug is the name you gave the police. When they asked you what your name was, you said Doug. And then I had to say Ian.

And everything got sorted out. Me and the police are great friends now. I know. It's a nightmare. If you want to get in touch, send your emails to JumanMail at JumanJaniacs.ju. Oh, look, just got another one. This one is from Ethan. Ethan says, I demand Ian and Michelle get together. I can see the reflection of your screen in the window behind you, and you are staring at a blank screen and then a very large close-up crop of my face.

Well, yeah. I mean, I got to have the Zoom window open and see who I'm talking to. My camera is off, Ian. Well, it helps my energy to be looking at the person I'm speaking to, which wouldn't be a problem if we were in the same room like we used to be. Is that shot through my old living room window? Is that a photo that you took? Is that shot through my old living room window? Is that a photo that you took? Okay, so on today's episode, we're gonna be talking about minute nine of the movie,

specifically the eight seconds between nine minutes and four seconds and nine minutes and 12 seconds. Okay, before we go any further, you know I said I'd do the podcast again in one condition, right? Yeah, that we don't record in the same room together because your feelings are too powerful or whatever.

No. Okay, that's not why. That's not... All right, but there is a new and one other condition, okay? I'm sorry. I just wasn't sure how I could tell you this

before we started recording. Hi, guys. Can you see me? Can you hear me okay? I'm in my car. I'm on my lunch break. Hey, Jerry. Here he is.

Here he is. Hi. I'm going to mute break. Hey, Jerry. Here he is. Here he is. Hi. I'm going to mute this guy real quick. What? Hey, Michelle, who the fuck is this? Take him off mute. Ian, this is my husband, Jerry. All right, final unmute.

Hi, what are you doing here? Oh, whoops. It looks like I maybe accidentally muted myself. I'm excited to talk about Jumanji with you guys. You know, I know you guys love, love this movie and I can't wait

to talk about it. Yeah, I think moving forward, I would just feel happier in general if Jerry was here for all of our recordings. And this is your,

this is your bodyguard? No, I wouldn't say I'm more of her husband. Not really like a, a tough, you know. I'll throw down for anybody though, especially my wife.

I've watched him beat a man to near death, okay? Just to be clear. Uh-oh, okay. Just to be clear. Family secret time. Secret's out. Okay, well, that's a threat. No, it's not.

It's not a threat. I just, unless there was a provocation, it's fine. Not a threat. I just it's unless unless there was unless there was a provocation. It's fine. Okay, it's fine. And I'm so excited to be on Jumanji Maniacs. I I know Michelle loves Jumanji, but confession time. I've never actually I've never seen it before. I muted Jerry again.

This fucking guy has never seen Jumanji please stop doing that it's not that big of a deal some fucking meathead who's never seen Jumanji it's not can you take him off of mute it's fine it's fine

I don't know how I keep doing this on accident I keep pushing the button on accident I think sorry I'll hands free so what you're dating and you've never seen Jumanji, and you stick with him, I guess, because he's a muscle man, and that's important. What did you even talk about? We didn't do much talking back in those days, right, babe?

You know, yeah. Yeah. We bought the tickets, but we didn't watch the movie. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If you know what I mean.

If you're just joined us, you're listening to a porno podcast, apparently. Apparently, that's what this is now. Ian. We just talk about carnal lust and sexual encounters. You know, that's okay. Look, sometimes I go there. Okay. Sometimes that's... Okay, look. Sometimes I go there. Okay, sometimes I'm known to go there.

So I'll stop. Jumanji, 100% of the time. So, okay. Let me just say, I watched it for the first time this morning and this movie rocks. I loved it. I had a time in my life. You watched it this morning?

Oh, well, there you go. That's something, right? Yeah, I guess that's something right um yeah i guess i guess that's that's pretty cool i guess that you finally got on board oh yeah you know i look after hearing you guys talking about it i was like i gotta see what what all the fuss is about and it lived up to the hype and then some you know jack black is is incredible in this thing the way he plays this teenage girl in his movie is truly,

I'm not joking, one of the funniest things I've ever seen. I muted Jerry again. What? Like seriously, what the fuck are you doing to me? This so clearly comes from a place

of resentment towards me on a deeply personal level. I thought we had a great professional rapport. Clearly the podcast is successful, has built an audience. What are you doing to me? God, is my Zoom broken? I keep getting muted. I think I got to with that.

I hope I didn't offend you. No, no, no, no, no, no. Everything is fine. Ian, everything is fine. Everything is not fine. You watched the wrong Jumanji. That's what happened. no, no. Everything is fine. Ian, everything is fine. Everything is not fine. You watched the wrong Jumanji. It's fine. That's what happened.

It's okay. It's okay. There's more than one. It's easy to get confused. Okay, wait a minute. I watched the first one. Oh. So I think, is it possible that you guys watched the wrong one?

No, that's not the first one. Welcome to the Jungle is the reboot. Yeah. The first one is simply titled Jumanji. It's okay, baby. It's okay. Oh, my God. It's okay.

No, it's just I had... I don't know what I was thinking, okay? I should have known. It looked like a too new movie. I should have just realized it the way you guys talked about it. Yeah, you have known. It looked like a too new movie. I should have just realized it, the way you guys talked about it. Yeah, you should have. It did sound like an older movie.

For sure. But The Rock, can I just talk about The Rock for one second? Of course, that's who you like. He- Don't. Seeing yourself up on screen, fucking steroid freak.

Ian! I'm busting up watching this guy because he absolutely kills it, okay? Just think about him in the context of entertainment for one second, okay? First, he absolutely kills it, okay? Just think about him in the context of entertainment for one second, okay? First, he's a wrestler, okay? He's the people's champ. He's got the eyebrow, okay? He's smelling what you're cooking. And then he's, next thing I know, he's in film. He's in feature films. He's the Scorpion King. He's walking tall, okay? This guy's in everything.

He revived the Fast franchise, okay? And then he's doing comedy. He's doing drama. He's doing singing. He does singing too. Think of all that singing he did in Moana. He's my hero. I love Dwayne.

And I is, hold on. Ian, I think I lost you there. But are you OK? Are you is this? I had to go on a little walk. Look, you have the Rocks Wikipedia page memorized clearly, and you've never seen Jumanji. So this is like this is what you think pop culture is. This is what you.

You know what? Why don't we just do a segment? It's called My First Jumanji, the part of the show where you tell us about the first time you saw Jumanji. Anya, Anya, am I saying that right? Anya from Denmark sent us an email and she writes, I saw it on a ferry.

Thanks, Anya. The first time I saw Jumanji was in the theaters when it released. That was me and my dad. And it ended up being the last movie we ever saw in the theater together before he and my mom split up. four uh he and my mom split up and it really like just forged an intense personal memory um for that reason and an intense connection to this film and so i guess that's why i thought jumanji was like important and that's why i thought jumanji was like a good film and something i wanted to talk about and see over and over again and had a podcast partner who i thought felt the same way and I guess just has

completely different priorities. So that's just, that's been interesting. It's been interesting to watch, you know, like kind of a childhood forged in divorce turn into a professional life

that is forged by betrayal. I wish I could have seen Jumanji Welcome to the Jungle in the theater. It would have changed my life. Fuck you, shut the fuck up. I would have gotten it. Shut the fuck up.

Ian? Shut the fuck up. Ian? Shut the fuck up. Ian! Hey, sorry to pause the Jumanji talk. I do want to get back to it because Kevin Hart's also really funny in these things. And Karen Gillan is a star in the making. But we have a very special thing

that I'd like to invite you to. We're going to be christening our son, and it'd be an honor if you would be there. I wouldn't. I mean, I wouldn't. It's okay if you can't make it, Ian. I'm fine with that, just to be clear. You're pregnant.

Yeah, yeah, I am. That's what happens when two consenting adults have as much sex as we do. Are you going to name the kid after a Jumanji character? I am pushing for Dwayne, but I don't think we're going to get Dwayne. It might be Dwayne. It's a strong name. It might be.

My grandpa's name is Dwayne. So it's like not necessarily after the rock, but it's like a kind of like, hey, we know that we have this information. It's our little secret. I'll be there. I'll be at the christening. I don't want you there, Ian. I just got an explicit invite

from Jerry. Jerry said he wanted me to be there, so I'll be there for Jerry's sake. I'll sit on Jerry's side of the aisle. How about that?

It's not really set up like that. I'll sit with Jerry's family. Again, that's not... Are you here for the bride or the groom? I'm here for the groom, Jerry. I'll be there. That's not how a christening works.

Ian, I'm just... I'm having this, like, deja vu moment, but it's impossible. This could never happen. I'm picturing you soaking wet. Is that... That's crazy. i know that that's not possible but it seems like no we have we have god we have met before uh-huh we have we have met before in a uh we were in a dream um michelle had that was a what there was like a dream she had where that three of us were that's and i was like it's that didn't happen but like i was like wet from the waist down and

didn't have a shirt wait wait wait wait no no michelle honey is this did this guy hog tie me this is the first i am hearing about this ian ian what did you do i did fucking hog tie you that's right you're that same scrawny twerp who i hog tied practically with one hand and now look at you you hit the gym haven't you you know in a way i'm kind of proud of you wait that okay so hold on i'm just putting all this together yeah i remember that night michelle said she thought she saw someone in the yard soaking wet i went out there i sort of triggered a uh crude booby trap okay i fell on a pile of leaves that was over a hole then uh at the bottom of that, there was a net and I got scooped out.

And from there I tried to get away, but you're so slick. Because you disappeared for like 15 minutes that night. I thought you went down to the police or something. I thought you went down to the end of the cul-de-sac. He had you in a hog tie? Well, so that was, I'd never told you this because

I sort of vowed that from that moment on, I would protect and not and not ever be afraid in front of my wife. So what happened was I didn't slip out of the hogtie and then run away. That's not what happened at all. I I tried to find the police. As luck would have it, none were around. And by the time I got back of course they were there and you know just kind of like we missed each other I went down the wrong street

I guess but I tried to it wasn't because I was running away it's okay it's all in the past this is the guy just to clarify this is the guy hey Jerry look right into your webcam real quick just look directly into your webcam alright quick just look directly into

your webcam all right i'm gonna make eye contact with you all right yeah i'm the guy i'm the fucking guy it no i know it was you i know you're the guy you terrorized us that fateful night today's episode is sponsored by the jpc jumanji podcon the world's biggest conference for fans of jumanji podcast taking place at Palm Springs Convention Center, see the greatest in the Jumanji pod world, such as the people behind Jumanji, the German Jumanji podcast, Angie from Jumanji and Jumanji with Angie, the poet Michael Banyan from Jumanji CWS, and of course, us. There's still tickets available, but make sure you sort out your accommodation quickly. We've got to sort out our own accommodation.

I had a look online last week, and let me just say, Palm Springs is full. I had real trouble finding somewhere for me and Michelle to stay. In the end, the only place I could find was an Airbnb and it's a small caravan in the desert. It's right in the middle of Joshua Tree National Park, nine square feet of space. It's going to be a real tight fit. No air conditioning. We'll see you there. Okay. Nope. We're not.

I'm not staying in a caravan with you in the middle of a fucking nightmare desert. It's not happening. i don't like your attitude ian i don't like it one bit and if i ever find you in my yard again i swear to god don't dig any holes don't put leaves all over them i'm not falling for it again all right fool me twice i'll fold you like a pretzel bitch hey jerry can you i know this whole thing's weird and can you give us a second because we did you know i've known her longer than you have i mean i'll give you more than a

second i i gotta go i i timed this wrong i do i gotta get back to work it's a pretty busy day here at cinnabon HQ. We're unveiling some new mocha, a lot of chill flavors. So I got we better get back to it because it's everyone's losing it. It's it's crazy over here right now. But I love you, baby. I'll see you later. OK, hey. OK. Can we watch the next level tonight? I think that's the think that's the next one. Whatever. Yeah, whatever you want. DeVito. DeVito is in the new one. I'm going to lose my mind.

I better have 9-1 dialed just in case I need an ambulance. What? From laughing so hard. Oh, I get it. Yeah. All right, I'll see you later. Love you.

See you, baby. Love you. Man, and he's got a hot shot executive job? Jesus Christ. Yeah. He's ripped and he's got cash. Well, there's one thing he doesn't have.

What's that, Ian? A deep love for the original Jumanji. And that's why, Michelle, I want to ask. Oh. Will you unmarry him and marry me? No, no, no, no. Will you get a divorce and subsequently marry me? No, no, no. Unmarry Jerry.

You have to unmarry Jerry. Stop it. Stop it. Ian, stop it. Please. Stop it. Ian, stop it. Look at the ring.

Look at this ring. No, no. Is that your mother ring. Look at this ring. No. Is that your mother's ring? It's my mother's. Does she know you have it? She would want me to give it to you. You gotta call her and give that back, Ian. Look, I got Jumanjani X engraved on the inside.

You stole your mother's wedding ring and you engraved it? I, she wouldn't see this side if she was going to wear it. And then once you have it, she's not going to wear it. So then that's problem solved right there. Ian, I'm not getting a divorce with the love of my life.

We're going to have a kid and then he's going to fuck me and we're going to have another one. And we're going to keep fucking and having kids until we don't want them anymore and then we're just gonna have sex for pleasure you're sick you're just a sick person it's deeply disturbed why do we why did i even want to collaborate with you i ask myself that question every single record. You know, the truth is since the hiatus, I haven't I haven't

watched Jumanji once. Don't say that. I haven't once watched it. Don't say that. We've been, that's format of the show. What our fans expect is that we're watching Jumanji every day. 365 days a year, 366 in leap years. Don't you dare say that.

Do you know what Jerry and I watch? Jerry and I watch Friends. He loves it. He thinks it's hilarious. And you know what? I'm coming around. I could like Friends if you want to do a Friends podcast.

Ian, I don't want to watch it with you, I don't want to watch it with you. I don't want to watch it with you. 365 days a year, 180-minute episodes about Friends, every Friends episode. The one where Michelle and Ian reconcile. The one where Jerry goes missing. How about that for an episode? Can I ask you a question, Ian? Can I ask you a question, Ian? Can I ask you a question?

Yeah. Do you know why the FBI called me? Because they won't give me any information, but I know it's you. I know it's something that you did. Maybe it's something that you did. FBI is not calling me. They're calling me for information, Ian. Yeah.

Maybe you should keep an eye on Jerry. They showed me a photo of what looked like you running naked down the middle of a street. Probably doctored. Does Jerry know Photoshop? Have you asked him that? No, of course he doesn't know Photoshop. You know, he's had a lift, punch, and fuck. Well, maybe

one of his underlings at Cinnabon. What? One of his underlings at Cinnabon. He put him up to it. Some young intern said, hey, doctor a photo for me, or you're fired. When the FBI gives me more information, I know who it's going to be about. Just heads up, Ian.

ACA, BISA. No way you trust those guys. Will you marry me? No. You've been listening to Jumanjaniacs, the podcast where we review every second of every moment of the film Jumanji. But it looks like we might be going on another hiatus. So in the meantime, keep watching the film.

We've had so many moments together that wouldn't we want to make them last forever? Ian. That's why I'm asking for your hand in marriage. Listening. Michelle, will you make me the happiest man in the world? No. Michelle, will you make me the most miserable woman on earth? My life like living on the Jumanji board.

Will you marry me? I'm not sure that we'll be back. I'm not. You know, I'm not. It might be a permanent hiatus. Michelle, it might be. Will you marry me? No, I will not marry you you it's a yes or no

question you have to answer yes or no michelle will you marry the answer is no the answer is no will you marry me that's that's it for juman janiacs jerry and i are going into the witness protection program the government is hiding us from you. Do you understand that, Ian? Hiding somewhere cold, maybe? Or more temperate? I am not... You will not get any information about this. That is not how this works.

This is the final episode of Jumanjaniacs. Will you marry me? No! episode of Jumanjaniacs. Will you marry me? No! Thanks to Nick Weiger, Heather Ann Campbell,

and Matt Apodaca. I'm so pleased that they were up for doing that. And you absolutely have to listen to their podcast. It's called How Did This Get Played? And they play kind of bad and odd video games with a guest and then chat about it. They are so funny. They are so great. And finally finally as i said before at the beginning of the show it is currently max fun drive i know i'm sounding like a broken record at this stage but if you have the means and you're interested in supporting this show go to maximumfun.org forward slash join there you can see the range

of gifts that you can get um at the ten10 tier, you get an incredible, incredible enamel pin saying, make mine a fizzy beef wine. It's irresistible. You also, of course, get access to our bonus episodes. That is not just this year's bonus episode, but we've made bonus episodes for every year we've been on the Maximum Fun Network, which is now, I think, six years almost?

Five years? Six years? I don't know. So for access to the bonus episodes, to gifts, and to the, you know, the feeling of righteousness that you get when you're giving back to the artists that are making the things you like. I say artists. Are we artists? I don't know.

Podcaster. Aural Trailblazer.naissance man audio mage sound bastard i don't know i'm just being silly now i'm i'm none of those things but whatever i am i'm pleased that you're listening so thanks for listening in if you can't find your way to contribute financially obviously there are loads of reasons why that might be. And of course, that's absolutely fine. Just thank you for listening. And if you want to help out, maybe recommend it to a friend.

I always love seeing on social media when someone attempts to recommend Beef and Dairy Network to another person. It's always interesting to see that person's response, which is usually, um, what, what, sorry. I know it's hard to recommend, but keep going. We will not rest until every person on earth is a listener or has at least listened to one or two episodes

and then dropped off. So yeah, if you can't afford it, don't worry about it. If you can, I'm looking at you. Maximumfun.org forward slash join. Also, please remember we have huge grain debts to pay to the actor ted danson and now i promise i won't mention money for a whole year it'll be 2022 and it's going to be a good year trust me 2022 oh it's going to be good oh my god you know the brian adams song summer of

69 it's going to be like a whole year of the Summer of 69. That's right. You're going to buy your first real six string. You're going to stand on your mother's porch. And as Brian Adams says, they'll be the best days of your life. Roll on 22. Let's go. Bye.