Behind the Bastards - CZM Rewind: Part Two: The Last Days of L. Ron Hubbard

Episode Date: September 12, 2024

Robert is joined again by Michael Swaim and Abe Epperson to continue to discuss the end of L. Ron Hubbard's life. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey everyone, Robert Evans here. It has been quite a summer. We've had two political conventions and I am just drained. So again, we are taking a week off and running a rerun this week. We do that occasionally because everyone deserves time off, including every now and then me. I did want to note this is an old episode on the latter days of Elrond Hubbard, one of our beloved podcast subjects,

with Michael Swaim and Abe Epperson, two of my old friends from cracked.com. They both have a podcast network called Small Beans, which you can back on Patreon, and you can find wherever podcasts are. And I also wanted to note and plug my friend Michael's novel, The Climb. It's an epic fantasy memoir with some, you know,

magic realism elements to it. You can Google The Climb, Michael Swain Patreon. You can also look up The Climb wherever books are sold. I'm seeing it right now on the Barnes and Noble website. There's a bunch of other places that you can find the climb. So check out the climb, Michael Swaim, just type that into Google. And here's the end of Elrond Hubbard.

Ever get the feeling someone's watching you? We know they're looking for us. Well, in 1971, a group of anti-war activists had that feeling. I was in the heart of the dragon and it was my job to stop the fire. So they decided to do something insane, break in to the FBI and expose J. Edgar Hoover's dirty secrets. We had some idea that this was pretty explosive. I'm Ed Helms. Binge the full second season of Snafu now on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts. Kay hasn't heard from her sister in seven years. I have a proposal for you. Come up here and document my project. All you need to do is record everything like you always do. What was that? That was live audio of a woman's nightmare. Can Kay trust her sister?

Or is history repeating itself? There's nothing dangerous about what you're doing. They're just dreams. Dream Sequence is a new horror thriller from Blumhouse Television, iHeartRadio, and Realm. Listen to Dream Sequence on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. In California, during the summer of 1975,

within the span of 17 days and less than 90 miles, two women did something no other woman had done before, tried to assassinate the president of the United States. One was the protege of Charles Manson. 26 year old Lynette Fromm, nicknamed Squeaky. The other, a middle-aged housewife working undercover for the FBI. Identified by police as Sarah Jean Moore in her 40s.

The story of one strange and violent summer. This season on the new podcast, Rip Current. Listen to Rip Current on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. What? Again, Elronding my Hubbard's. It's part two of Elning my Hubbard's, it's part two of L Ron Hubbard's death episode. My guests as with last time, Abe Epperson, Michael Swaim. None of you will have noticed the joke in that,

but I pointed to the wrong person. It did not translate visually. Another thing that's not gonna translate visually is me getting ready the next product I'm going to throw during this episode. I'm tired of the bagelsels So Robert took out his big knife and I'm stabbing a plastic of a many many Kleenex boxes He pulled one off. I'm gonna be throwing Kleenex boxes. I'm gonna throw the first one And it went to the window right between us right between you went to the windows and to the walls

Yeah, and if you know the rest of that song, you know why we need so much Kleenex Yeah, we got a 10 pack is dragging a 10 pack of throwing And to the walls. Walls, yeah. And if you know the rest of that song, you know why we need so much Kleenex. Yeah. We got a 10 pack. We're dragging a 10 pack of throwing boxes. It is a lot of Kleenex. That is a lot of Kleenex. I will throw all of them by the end of this episode. I thought you were going to pop open one of those bad boys and throw individual Kleenex,

but that's not as impactful. That does not have the impact of throwing a whole box of Kleenex. Is it important to you that the box be filled with Kleenex, or could it just be a box with a similar weight? I think I'm just gonna throw a lot of stuff over the course of the rest of my career. Understood. So I like tossing, I like throwing.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Both good things, both fun. Get some salads in here for you. I would love to toss some salads. Hello everyone on the early morning commute. Yeah. Welcome to Robert and the Pig and the Other Pig. It's your drive time zoo.

You know what? I hate drive time zoo shows. Uh oh. Oh, another two! Yeah! That was a good one. Sophie, who cleans up in here? Is it me? Oh, it's you. Oh, it's Sophie.

Well. She's got a sad face. We've already established the joke, so this is gonna keep happening. And there's no way to stop it. I can't, I can't over exaggerate her lack of enthusiasm. So far you've picked pretty easy things to clean up. When it evolves to throwing confetti.

Oh, this Christmas I'm just gonna throw ornaments. Yeah, right? Shatter them against the walls. Just push pins. Glass everywhere. Just push pins everywhere. Push pins. Like a home alone that you have made. Bullets, just whatever. Just push-pins everywhere. Just push-pins everywhere. Push-pins. Like a home alone that you have made.

Bullets. Just whatever. Just bullets. I think someone who's barefoot so much of the time wouldn't want to scatter pointy things around the ground. But okay. It's got those cows. It's fine. You know what else is fine? L. Ron Hubbard's career Hubbard's career. I disagree. I can't wait. Oh, it's just so I yeah

I might agree with that by the end. Oh, of course. It's fine I mean now Abe you do a quite a lot of directing on your own Yes, I think you might pick up some tips and I'm gonna learn from the master my next set. Oh, it's gonna be bad Because this is a master class right now. This is a master class right now Everyone who listens to this episode will be qualified to direct a Hollywood production. Yes. It just takes this much. The O. Ron Hubbard Film School.

The O. Ron Hubbard Film School. Hosted by Behind the Basses. It really does only take that much if you also have millions and millions of dollars. Yeah, like literally infinite money. Now life on the run is not good for anyone's health. Despite his vast wealth and the opulent surroundings of the La Quinta Ranch where he hid out in Southern California,

by early 1977 Hubbard's lifestyle was catching up with him again. Anne Rosenblum, who trained to be a messenger during this period, was horrified by his appearance when she first met him. Quote, the first night I was there, I didn't talk to LRH since he was busy, but I saw him. He had long reddish gray hair down past his shoulders,

rotting teeth, and a really fat gut. He didn't look anything like his pictures. The next day I met him, he was doing exercises in his courtyard and called me over. I was nervous meeting him. I was really surprised that I didn't feel this electric something or other that I was told happens when you are around him." These were in the last days before the FBI dragnet closed down around Mary Sue Hubbard and all of Elrond's people with the Guardian's office and Mary Sue became extra protective of her husband during this period Her dogs which were said to be clear guarded him at all times if they barked at you

It was a sign that you were secretly committing crimes against the Hubbard's or had done so in a past life Oh, that's not gonna stoke his paranoia Anytime the dog barks that mailman is an agent who opposes the church What happens when the dog barks at him? Yeah, or, oh shit. I don't think the dogs stay around if they bark at him. Yeah, they just kept new dogs on deck. That dog toy is a suppressive person.

Who knew? Now, Elrond continued to innovate his tech during this period. His main interest was the purification rundown, which he viewed as a cure for drug addiction. This was an evolution of Hubbard's G.U.K. vitamin treatment, which we talked about during the first three-parter. Today, the purification rundown is a popular Scientology treatment that involves massive doses of vitamins in a sweat lodge. In Oklahoma, it killed four people over the course of three years. Hubbard developed this treatment based on what he believed were the effects of LSD on the body. According to Jim Dinkalke, one of Hubbard's longtime helpers,

quote, all the information came from one person who had taken LSD once. That was how he did his research. Was it like, it's pretty chill, dude. All right, it's going in the book. This is my shit right here. Honestly, it was good. Now Hubbard became convinced that the purification rundown was going to cure all of the world's drug addictions. He decided this achievement had clearly earned him a Nobel Prize, and he wrote out an order to his PR officer authorizing the expenditure of unlimited funds to win him the Nobel Prize he so clearly deserved.

This he didn't get a Nobel Prize. Oh really? Turns out it's kind of hard to bribe these guys. You can't say that, it's canon. Yeah. I do think, you know, if the listeners of this podcast want to get me a Nobel Prize, I will do drugs off of it.

That's what I was, would you rather get a Nobel Prize for stopping all drug use, you personally? Yeah. Or just have listeners send you some drugs? Oh, I would rather get the Nobel Prize. Okay. I've got a blacksmith, so I take the Nobel Prize to my blacksmith and have it forged into a crack pipe. Yeah, Nobel, Nobel. And then I would begin smoking crack. And I believe. Nobel the Nobel Prize. Okay. I've got a blacksmith, so I take the Nobel Prize to my blacksmith and have it forged into a crack pipe.

Yeah, Nobel. And then I would begin smoking crack. And I believe. Nobel Peace Pipe. Nobel Peace Pipe. Except for, if you wanna see me throwing some stuff, you give me some crack in a Nobel Peace Pipe. Comes with a cash prize. It won't be peaceful.

As well, I think the Nobel Peace Prize, at least. And you know where that cash prize is all gonna be spent? Yeah, yeah, correct. Under a bridge, filling up that pipe. You're gonna get shivved for your golden pipe. So that's just gonna. That's gone. Yeah, that's gone.

That's what happens under bridges. It's not gonna be great. Now, Hubbard transferred from La Quinta to a hideout in Sparks, Nevada after the FBI crashed down on Operation Snow White. All contact with the Guardian's office and the Hubbard family was suspended, and LRH relied on his child messengers

to deliver his words to and from church leadership. On May 25th, 1977, Star Wars launched to a world of unsuspecting moviegoers. Here we go! It made, conservatively, all the money, and changed both Hollywood and the world forever. Now I don't know if L. Ron Hubbard ever actually saw Star Wars.

I kind of doubt it because he was a horrible narcissist who probably never read or watched anyone else's science fiction. But it's possible. I know he read a lot of Harlan Ellison who's my favorite sci-fi. He definitely, yeah. We're like personal friends and I guess, you know,

you feel the guilt or like you have to but. You imagine the one person who could get along with L Ron Hubbard of course it's Harlan Ellison it's just weird that if you yeah he seems to really like sci-fi yeah he may how could you resist it's hard to like I don't know if he ever saw it but he definitely paid attention to its financial success from July to December of 1977 while hiding out in Sparks, Nevada He worked feverishly on the screenplay for a feature film revolt in the stars. This was a dramatization of one of the Star Wars Yeah, a Star War if you will this was a dramatization of one of the highest level Scientology training courses the OT3

Information or operating theton level. It's gonna give that shit away? Yeah, you had to pay 100 grand for that. There's actually some weird stuff regarding that, which we'll get to here. So the rough plot was that an evil space dictator, Xenu, murdered 76 planets worth of aliens, sucked in their frozen ghosts to Earth,

and blew them up with nuclear bombs strapped to volcanoes. Frozen is such a great word choice. Frozen ghosts? Ghosts are water vapor, that's what they are. Ghosts and ghosts. Ghosts are water vapor. Ghosticles. That's what they are. And they all have swords. Yeah, you can freeze a ghost.

Forged in mortar. Oh my God, I just figured out how we can solve global warming. All right. Freeze ghosts? The people least likely to believe in global warming are also probably gonna be the most superstitious people in the country.

So I'm gonna guess global warming deniers also have a high tendency to believe in ghosts. Of magical thinking, yeah. You convince them that if the ice caps melt, all of the ghosts will be freed. I think we have a plan here. Then we got a problem and then we got a plan. And we got to cool down the world to keep the ghosts frozen. Yes. Dictators need to never stop doing whatever drug they did as a child. Right.

And there are ghosts in the North Pole. There are ghosts in the North Pole and they will kill us if we don't freeze them. These are the myths of our time that we need to embrace that will help us. It's like that, I saw a post where someone, some anti-vaxxer was talking about how you can actually make vaccines safe

if you rub a potato on the vaccine injection site. And it's like, yeah, okay, just tell them that. Tell them that. Tell them that. Yeah, vaccinate your kids and rub them with a potato. It's fine. Just release all of Dan Aykroyd's books. Yeah.

10 years later, the potato flu decimates the population of North America. Hot potatoes. That will be the last Fox News Chiron before everyone dies. Potatoes are too hot. We cut the hot potato and the round is over. Oh boy.

Potato versus ghost. Now, if you've paid attention to anything I've said about Elrond Hubbard over the last five hours or so of podcasts about the fucker, you know that he's literally incapable of giving up on any single idea he ever had. Now, y'all remember Excalibur? The book Hubbard claimed to have written in 1938 that he said was so profound it caused people to commit suicide instantly after reading it. It had to be locked away from the world. Yes, that's how I know the words Excalibur is that.

Well, yeah, it's like the Monty Python, the funniest joke that you can't see. But with psychology. Yeah, philosophy. The second you go mad, right? I just love, would that be good? That's not a feather in your cap. You're like this guy read my book and committed suicide right after I think that means it's super good I kind of want that comic panel. We have today a George R. R Martin and the guy who wrote the book that makes everyone kill themselves

My name is L So My name is L. So, 40 years after his claims about Excalibur started, Hubbard made the same claims about the OT3 course materials. Scientologists weren't exposed to the Xenu story until they were several years and thousands of dollars into the religion already. That's because, according to Hubbard, learning the story of Xenu would cause death in a matter of days. According to Tony Ortega, a former Scientologist who's now an activist against the church, quote,

if we follow his logic, his intention in writing it was to produce a film that, if shown to the world, would kill off all the non-OT3 part of the population. Oh man. Film genocide. It's the biblical flood for everyone who's not, hasn't paid me enough money to be at this level. Dude.

He's gonna make a movie to kill everybody. He's gonna make a fucking Passion of the Rhon. I'm firmly convinced, and of course there's no way to prove, that at every step, a large chunk of him knows. And it's probably the thing he's most proud of. Look at how I built a billion dollar empire on nothing. I'm proud of that. So I don't think he wrote it thinking,

this will kill everyone, but it's still, every detail of his life is better if you assume he believed his own bullshit. Yeah. Yeah, I think he started to at a certain point. I don't know how you don't mix it up at some point. You don't make the kids search for gold for months on like cramped sailing vessels.

If you don't really believe they might find some. And some of the paranoid shit he did, you're like, well that's not fabricated. He's really grappling with paranoia at this point. Yeah, he's definitely paranoid. I imagine like little Elron, Lil Ron, like going to the ice cream truck and saying to the guy selling the ice cream,

like, you know that popsicles are ghosts. And he goes, really? Yeah. Oh, he's like, oh my God, that worked, I know what my life is. Oh god I do like to think about like what would happen if this movie was made and did what Hubbard said it would do and like everyone who watched it killed themselves because you have conversations with your friends where they'd be like you know there's that new movie that makes everybody kill themselves you want to go see it?

Well yeah I I kinda do. I do have, I like, I love life, but also I have the AMC movie pass. I gotta use it on something. I gotta use it on something. And I am dying to know the details. I got to know what it's on. There's nothing getting on Netflix anymore. Yeah, let's watch the murder movie.

Also what a weird experience if you came into the room late and everyone is dead, but there's one person and you're like, ew, you're an OT3 in Scientology. I did not know that. And they're like, I know. I'm sorry. So another thing that Ortega notes in his article about revolt in the stars is that John Travolta is still,

to this day, expressing a desire to make the movie into a major Hollywood production, which may mean that John Travolta secretly wants to commit mass planetary genocide. At the very least, who knows that fact? Yeah, the idea that John Travolta's trying to wipe out all life on earth that's not Scientology is now my favorite conspiracy theory.

Right. Yeah. I also believe that now probably thanks to the popularity of this podcast, some group of nerds who I will love forever. Forever. Will find this and shoot it on their phones and send it to us. Shoot Bastards Pan the 40%.

Yeah, touring it. Please make the movie that kills everyone. Which is basically he just thought of The Ring. Yeah, The Ring but for everyone. For everyone, yeah. And just as sort of future payment to whoever does shoot Revolt Among the Stars, I'm gonna throw another box of Kleenex. All right.

Ah! Mazel Tov! Number three. That's a Scientology thing, right? Yep, I think so. Ortega apparently read through the script for Revolt Among the Stars, which I think you can find if you really look for it.

And he summed up its plot this way. Quote, in the script Hubbard wrote for the movie, the character Raul, clearly based on Hubbard himself, takes on the might of various two-dimensional characters with single-syllable names, Chi and Min, who have wandered out of an episode of Flash Gordon. The screenplay apparently ends on these lines as the evil Xenu was strapped into a prison inside of one of the volcanoes he previously bombed to murder space ghosts. Wedding his dry cracked lips, Xenu looked up at the doctor, some terror showing in his glazed eyes. These devices keep one alive forever? Don't

talk, snapped the doctor. A guard stepped forward. Don't talk to the prisoner! Despairing, Xenu rolled his eyes. How long is forever? No one answered. No one knew. Well, yeah. What? What? What? What the fuck are you even talking about? I mean, it sounds like, I've been to film school. And there's quite a bit of scripts that are suspicious of this type of writing. By the way, when your movie, Revolts Among the Stars comes out,

everyone's gonna refer to it as rats. So good luck with that. Now, Hubbard's dream was to make the movie himself and add George Lucas to his list of accomplishments alongside aviation pioneer, treasure hunter, prophet, and surprisingly good at sex. This gradually expanded into a desire to add a whole film production wing to the Church of Scientology, the Cineorg. A 10-acre ranch around La Quinta was purchased, code-named Monroe, and turned into housing

for the production staff for L. Ron Hubbard's new film company slash cult. The studio was built on a 140 acre grapefruit farm that the church also purchased. How do you give notes when you're in a cult? Like if everyone acting in it and producing it is on set? There are no notes. Yeah, it's like. You do what he tells you.

I actually think the set's a little gaudy right now. That's suppressive, dude. That's suppressive right there. You're being a suppressive. So if the movie kills everyone though, does the screenplay just paralyze them? Or is it the, what stage is the magic, kill yourself? All of these people are OT3, so they can handle-

So they can do whatever they want. I bet his plan was to do the opposite. Let the movie come out, no one dies, and then say, say see you're all Scientologists. You don't even know it and you gotta pay me 40 chess I see Now Yeah, so they buy several different giant ranches to add to their already giant ranch and turn into a film production studio now According to the book bare-faced Messiah quote quote, lights, dollies, cameras, and a vast range of technical equipment

were all moved into the new studio. Hubbard took to wearing a cowboy hat, suspenders, and a bandana, which he imagined gave him an artistic mien appropriate to a film director. The Cine Org was to cut its teeth making simple promotional films, illustrating various situations

in which Scientology could be used beneficially. Hubbard wrote all the scripts and knew exactly what he wanted. Constantly biting into a raw grapefruit he just carries at all times. Throwing grapefruit. This is like he's Hunter S. Thompsoning right now. He is, Hunter would be shooting at people.

Right, right. Hunter would have absolutely shot at people. Yeah, but he's using cameras. So Hubbard knew what he wanted, but found out that it's really hard to make movies. Like it's just kind of a difficult thing to do. And so his first productions did not all go well. Now some of this had to do with the fact

that the random assortment of people who'd found the Church of Scientology compelling did not all possess the incredibly specific tactical know-how necessary to make films. Now I want to note that this had been true of L. Ron Hubbard's Navy too, and they'd sort of faked it until they'd made it.

But it turns out that the same strategy does not work with moviemaking, thus answering forever the age-old question, is it harder to captain a boat or man a boom mic? It's harder to man a boom mic. Apparently. Easier to get random people to be part of a Navy. Well, there's no, because you can drop depth charges and say you hit something and that's fine. When you're shooting a movie, if you don't get the scene, it's not in the footage.

It's just not in the scene. They listen to it and say, this is shitty sound. So the church put out a call to any members of the faith who had even vaguely relevant experience in the film industry. The best they could do was Adele and Ernie Hartwell, championship ballroom dancers who had taken a few courses and were told that the Cine Org would be their path into the

Scientology elite. They were not impressed upon their arrival to the Cine Org. Ernie later recalled, I was absolutely shocked to see everyone running around in shorts, ragged clothes, dirty and unkempt. They put us in a little three-room shack on the edge of the ranch. We go inside and what a mess. The place was overrun with bugs and insects. Adele said, quote, the main thing I disliked was that when we first got there, we were programmed on the lies we had to tell. If we ran into one of our friends, we had

to tell a lie to them and say that we were just there for a vacation. We were schooled on how to get away from process servers, FBI agents, and any government officials or any policeman who wanted anything to do with Hubbard. Welcome to our production company. Here's what you say to the FBI. He's like. I bet just it being in California, there's a fair chance. Some of these people probably would have gone to film school if they weren't broke from spending all their money on the Church of Scientology.

I mean, they came from everywhere though. Sure. He just moved them to, like you just had to go wherever. But they have all the money. Send some people to film school if you want to have people who- Yeah, what great voices were squashed out by L. Ron Hubbard's movie making enterprise. I want to see these cult people's movies.

I do desperately want to see these cult people's movies. You know what else I want to see, or at least listen to? The fine products and services that have advertised on our show and or program. Oh, I love those. I want to see them, but- Kind of fingers crossed that some Scientology I'll just close my eyes and imagine.

Yeah, our ads are randomly generated a lot of the time, so it is possible the Church of Scientology will advertise. If so, I'm actually fine with that. If they advertise on this episode, totally down. I'm not. I'm okay with it. I don't know. If listening through all this,

an ad for the Church of Scientology makes you decide, you know what, yes, this is for me. You clicked on this and you're like, but the ad really resonated. Yeah. All right, products! ["Scientology's Theme"] For decades, the mafia had New York City in a stranglehold, with law enforcement seemingly

powerless to intervene. It uses terror to extort people. However, one murder of a crime boss sparked a chain of events that would ultimately dismantle the mob. It sent the message that we can prosecute these people. Discover how law enforcement and prosecutors took on the mafia and together brought them down. These bosses on the commission had no idea

what was coming their way from the federal government. From Wolf Entertainment and I Heart Radio, this is Law and Order Criminal Justice System. The first two episodes drop on August 22nd. Plus, did you know that you can listen to the episodes as they come out completely ad-free? Don't miss out. Subscribe to the iHeart True Crime Plus channel today, available exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Late on the evening of March 8th, 1971, a group of anti-war activists did something insane.

Holy s**t, we are really here. This is really happening. They weren't professional criminals. They were ordinary citizens, but they needed to know the truth about the FBI. Burglaries forged blackmail letters and threats of violence were used to try to stop anti-war marches. Even if that meant risking everything. I just felt like I was living in the heart of the dragon,

and it was just my job to stop the fire. I'm Ed Helms, host of Snafu, season two, Medburg, the story of a daring heist that exposed J. Edgar Hoover's secret FBI. If it meant some risks that were involved, well, that's what citizens sometimes have to do. Binge the full second season of Snafu now on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts. I've been thinking about you. I want you back in my life. It's too late for that. I have a proposal for you. Come up here and document my project. All you need to do is record everything like you always do. One session, 24 hours.

EPM 110, 120. She's terrified. Should we wake her up? Absolutely not. What was that? You didn't figure it out? I think I need to hear you say it. That was live audio of a woman's nightmare. This machine is approved and everything?

You're allowed to be doing this? We passed the review board a year ago. We're not hurting people. There's nothing dangerous about what you're allowed to be doing this? We passed the review board a year ago. We're not hurting people. There's nothing dangerous about what you're doing. They're just dreams. Dream Sequence is a new horror thriller from Blumhouse Television, iHeartRadio, and Realm. Listen to Dream Sequence on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We're back, and Sophie is actually leaving the room. She's about to open the door, which is bad for sound quality, but good for what I like to call cinema verite, a term I invented for podcasts being true. We're really peeling back the podcasting curtain here. You invented that term. I did invent that term.

The term loosely affiliated with podcasts. Yeah. Hence the word loosely affiliated with podcasts. Yeah. Hence the word cinema. And curtain. Well, you know, the main goal when you make a podcast is to just broadcast to everyone else that, yes, you should also have a podcast. You should have a podcast.

I won't rest till there's as many podcasts as there are people. I want there to be twice as many podcasts as people. And until there are, I will continue to throw cleaning boxes! Ah! Very angry. I laugh, but it hit me in the throat. I want there to be twice as many podcasts as people and until there are I will continue to throw cleaners boxes Very I laugh but it hit me in the throat Well, you know what they say about throats Michael products and services the laziest part of the body that's true All right, we're back. Well, there's peristalsis

But so El Ron Hubbard Autor director was still desperately afraid of being brought in by a surprise police raid. A souped up Dodge Dart with a full tank of gas was kept on standby 24 seven outside of his production facility. Just go car. Just fuck it and run car.

The director has a, I feel like everything we've said so far is applicable only to Elron Hubbard or Roman Polanski. Everyday put a Philly cheese steak on the dashboard and replace it the next day. I might have to go at any moment. He's like, it occurs to me that we should just have a table of disguises.

They literally did. All right. All right. Now, I don't know if any of y'all are aware of this, but auteur directors are not known to be mentally healthy people at the Best of times Oh Ron Hubbard might have given a guy like Stanley Kubrick a run for his money in the crazy pants category Stanley Kubrick finished movies though

He did finish movies Adele first met Hubbard when she was working in the wardrobe department and heard him start to scream in a group of his underlings Quote this is a quote of Hubbard directing Oh, I can't wait You dirty goddamn sons of bitches, you're so goddamn stupid, fuck you, you cocksuckers. It seemed to go on for several minutes. I had something in my hand and it fell to the floor, I said.

Who in the world is that? They said it was the boss. We weren't allowed to use the name Hubbard for security reasons. You mean the leader of the church speaks like that, I asked? Oh yes, was the reply. He doesn't believe in keeping anything back. Yeah, this is straight out of the book

of a USC school cinematic arts, actually. You goddamn keeping anything back. Yeah, this is straight out of the book of a USC School of Cinematic Arts, actually. You goddamn sons of bitches. Adele's first big job was makeup assistant on a Hubbard flick called The Unfathomable Man. It was a modest project covering the entire history of the human race from the beginning of time to the modern era through the eyes of L. Ron Hubbard. Unfathomable, I'm sorry, that's just a great title.

You can't even think of it. What's the first thing you think? Well, he's a man. Well, I can think of a man. No, you can't. No, you can't. Not this guy. Adele's recollections make it sound, rather surprisingly, like the Sam Raimi flick.

Quote, did he ever like those films to be bloody? It was enough to make you sick. We'd be shooting a scene and all of a sudden he'd yell, stop, make it more gory. We'd go running out on the set with all this caro syrup and food coloring and we'd just dump it all over the actors. Then we'd film some more and he'd stop it again and say, it's still not gory enough. Then we'd throw more blood on them.

Well, he's competing with the Bible. So he's gotta match, every religion needs to match a certain level of gore just to keep our interest at bay. Just imagine him at monitor and when they nail how much blood, he's just going, yes. Yes. Yes. This will bring Scientology to the masses.

Okay, now pour some blood on me. Okay, now we can continue. Get the disguises. The movie included a scene where an FBI office was bombed. This was understandably L. Ron Hubbard's favorite part. He jerked off while directing that scene, I imagine. He grew a little over enthusiastic and had so much blood dumped on his actors

that their clothing stuck to their bodies and had to be cut off by the wardrobe people. Hubbard made up for his general lack of knowledge of how to make movies by being an incredibly persnickety asshole. According to Bareface Messiah, when the Senate org was shooting in the studio, all the sets had to be cleaned and scrubbed

With special soap every morning before Hubbard arrived and the messengers would go around with white gloves to assure it had been done properly Hubbard had a director's chair that no one else was allowed to sit in and as he was walking around the set a messenger would Follow close behind him ready to put the chair underneath him if he chose to sit down One unfortunate girl got the positioning wrong by a few inches. And as the Commodore sat down, he missed the chair and it's fallen on the floor. Yes, it's slapstick comedy. Until you learned that like, she was swiftly beaten to death.

Yeah, she was put in Scientology's prison. Right, of course. That's not real, is it? Yeah, it's real. Oh, they brought her there. She was tortured, yeah. And you know, well, it's worth it if the work stands up to the test.

That's why we have an Academy Award for cleanest set. That's very key to filmmaking. Wait, is it really? No, no, no. And all this spec says Nobel Peace Prize material. I just love that he's like, you know, directing a movie. You keep the set clean, you place the chairs correctly, you have a lot of blood.

Movies. Movies. Now, the numerous stories that Hubbard tried to film you place the chairs correctly, you have a lot of blood. Movies, movies! Movies! Now the numerous stories that Hubbard tried to film all had grand narratives, usually starting at the very beginning of galactic history. One film, The Problems of Life, was about a young couple who felt their existence lacked meaning. They asked for advice from a psychiatrist

who was played as a violently insane person. They next asked help from a scientist who was also violently insane. Then they found a Scientologist who was a scientist who was also violently insane. Then they found a Scientologist who was a perfect being of pure contentment. Keema Douglas, an artist and Scientologist who spent time with Hubbard during this period, noted, quote,

"'The trouble was that he wanted to make movies "'that would take over Hollywood, "'but they were terrible, really terrible. "'The crew would have to do scenes over and over again "'before he was satisfied. "'Occasionally, the day would end up with a fine, "'well done, everyone, but more often there were tantrums "' he'd storm off the set screaming that it had better be right tomorrow. Elrond Hubbard. Fix it! We don't know how to fix it. More beatings for you all. I've got to go have

sex surprisingly adroitly. This better be a movie when I get back. All the while, as Elrond Hubbard painstakingly acquired roughly the amount of expertise one would receive in the first semester of film school he was raising money to make Revolt in the stars a reality. He succeeded in putting together millions of dollars to make the film and funneled it through a production company called a Brilliant Film Company. Tragically Hubbard was as bad at running a production company as he was at everything that wasn't infiltrating the federal government a brilliant film company went Bankrupt and revolt in the stars was never more than a few costumes in an unbelievably bad screenplay

I'd still pay a lot to see those Costumes someone's got those costumes. Someone's got they are like religious art like artifacts now, right? Scientology where there's a case like you'd see in Arclight and you're like, it's that thing we never made. And they all still have the blood on them and it's still unsure of whether or not it's the fake blood or the real blood from the beatings. And when they cut them out of the clothes. Yeah, they just stabbed them.

Yeah, you know there were some scissors accidents on set. In late 1978, a few days after Mary Sue Hubbard and ten other top Scientologists were indicted for their rampant crimes, L. Ron Hubbard collapsed while filming a very stupid movie in 120 degree heat. He recovered but it had become abundantly clear to everyone that the ranch in Southern California and the strenuous life of an auteur film director were not suited for the ailing old man. Now during this time, L. Ron Hubbard continued to receive regular auditing sessions. His auditor was a fellow named Mayo, and Mayo grew increasingly unsettled about the revelations he received from the great prophet of Scientology as he recovered from heatstroke.

Quote, from Mayo. He revealed things about himself and his past which absolutely contradicted what we'd been told about him. He wasn't taking any great risk because I was a loyal and trusted subject and had a duty to keep such things confidential. It wasn't just what I discovered about his past. I didn't care where he was born or what he had done in the war. It didn't mean a thing to me.

I wasn't a loyal Scientologist because he had an illustrious war record. What worried me is that when I saw things he did and heard statements he made that showed his intentions were different from what they appeared to be. When I was with him, messengers often arrived with suitcases full of money, wads of hundred dollar bills. Yet he had always said and written that he never received a penny from Scientology. He would ask to see it. The messenger would open the case and he'd gloat over it for a bit before it was put away in a safe in his bedroom.

He didn't really spend much, I guess it was getaway money. I didn't mind the idea of him having money or being rich, I thought he had done tremendous wonders and should be well paid for it. But why did he have to lie about it? I slowly began to realize that he wasn't acting for the public good or for the benefit of mankind. It might have started out like that, but it was no longer so. One day we were all talking about the price of gold or something like that,

and he said to me, very emphatically, that he was obsessed by an insatiable lust for money and power. I'll never forget it. Those were his exact words. An insatiable lust for money and power. I love gold! I love gold! Jesus. Also, cause if you're at that level where you're hit the boss's auditor, you must have already been exposed repeatedly to the fact that the purpose of auditing is not to keep it confidential. The purpose of auditing is to have dirt on people. I don't know how this guy didn't walk away with a portion of the gold is what I'm getting at. He may have. Hey guess what boss what boss yeah, I have a recording now you idiot

Yeah, dying old idiot. I think the guy you put in that job is the guy You know is never gonna betray you right yeah, he did while Hubbard was alive eventually it seems like he Came clear. I'm sure it was a process so so all the pieces didn't align, but hearing this quote now, you're like, if you felt this way then, you could've walked away with a chunk of that gold, probably. You could've walked away with one of those suitcases of dirty hundred dollar bills. Because if there's anything Hubbard's gonna respond to,

it's blackmail. Yeah, yeah. After a couple months of convalescence, Hubbard was healthy enough to get back to directing movies. Naturally, he made his auditor an actor. Quote, he walked around with an electric bullhorn, yelling orders through it, even if the person was only a few feet away. The crew were in a constant state of fear. He'd say he wanted a certain set built and describe it.

Everyone would work in a frenzied state to get it done, often through the night, not stopping for meals, and praying it would be right and that they would not get into trouble. When he arrived to begin shooting, he invariably decided he didn't like it. It had been altered. He wanted it blue, not green. Some of the crew would be sent to RPF Scientology prison and others would be running around trying to find some blue paint. Then he'd want to know why it was blue and not yellow. Have you seen the, um, the Star Wars documentary? Yes.

Empire Dreams, where he can't pronounce his own, it's Gungans. Gungans, Gungans. George, you wrote this. You wrote this. Yes, it's like poetry, it rhymes. There's a weird synergy in the fact, did you hear about the plot? Lucas released details of the plot he was gonna do

if he had done seven, eight, and nine, and it involved tiny creatures that live in your blood called the wills He loves tiny creatures living in your Beaten dude, it was like they are the same Lucas now that he is officially I guess traded Star Wars to quote white slavers Not totally inaccurate It doesn't mean that one of them is on the right side.

I just think for the good of everyone, he may as well buckle down and make Revolt Among the Stars. Oh, absolutely. I think Lucas is the man to do it. He's the only man to do it. He's the only man to finally make Revolt Among the Stars a reality. I'm holding Chekhov's Kleenox box in my hand.

To illustrate another point about filmmaking, which is that you should always throw Kleenex at the walls. Yeah It's like yeah, it's like a bullhorn. Yeah as Chekhov's tools go that one didn't like stretch the tension out But sure it did not it did not I didn't go to film school. Yeah Don't let that stop you I just we got five more of these Kleenexes that I gotta toss and I'm starting to realize I may not have that much anger. So some of these tosses are gonna be less impactful than the others.

It's all right. Just where we are right now. Can't not toss them, I promise. They can be sad Kleenexes. Tossing boxes, sad Kleenex. All right, let's get back to the thing. Here's Mayo again talking about Elrond Hubbard as a director and being an actor under him.

Quote, when I was trying to be an actor, I'd have to do the same line over and over again. It was never right. It was too loud, too quiet, too intense, not intense enough. Then he'd scream, why aren't you doing it enthusiastically? He'd end up stamping off, screaming that it was all impossible and that no one would do what he said.

One of the main reasons why he got sick, I think, was that he had so many failures and so much frustration and upset over the movies. Everyone was tiptoeing around waiting for explosions. So, yeah, cause this man is someone who just tells people how he wants the world to be and it just happens. And in filmmaking, they have to create it for themselves. They have to act.

It's the one thing, like he gets through his whole life doing that, basically. And it works with his private Navy But it can't work with filmmaking you can't force the audience to think the movie's entertaining. Yeah, you have to make an entertaining movie Yeah, yeah, nor can you get the thing that's in your head? Absolutely perfect every time like by every performer so but also as an actor I mean come off it, Mayo. I had to say the line a bunch of times.

That's that's the process of acting for film. You get the feeling, though, that it was like literally for days at a time sometimes. And it was like he would just say more enthusiastically, less. Like he doesn't know how to direct you. Like he's not sitting down like, like, let me walk you through your motivation. You have to understand why it's wrong.

He was just shouting, no, it's not right. For example, a very basic rule of directing is it's widely frowned upon to just say, do this emotion. Like, that's the most basic directing rule. Right, right. Sometimes, I also love that his notes, his notes are basically, go in a direction, go in the opposite direction,

like these ambiguous definitions of what he wants, that sounds real clear to me, that sounds like a guy with vision. If only he had been a YouTube personality and just said fuck it, I will be all the parts and I will shoot this in my room. He would be a huge hit on YouTube if he were alive and younger today.

For sure. That would be, he would own that place. He would be one of those channels you end up on when you're three clicks away from a decent, good, God-fearing video that you meant to watch. I'm just gonna guess here, convincing millions that the Holocaust didn't happen. Yeah, you see that kind of cultism and tribalism

and Twitch streamers and stuff, it's pretty real. Oh, he would be so good at Twitch. He would Twitch it up. He would be incredible. Now, I do wanna note, as we pretty real. Oh, he would be so good at Twitch. He would Twitch it up. He would be incredible. Now, I do wanna note, as we get to this point, that I think the story, like the fact that L. Ron Hubbard finally failed when he tried to stumble into filmmaking

is proof of something important, which is that the US Navy, and all navies, are a bunch of pansy waste little wuss factories. Okay, okay. Hollywood is where shit really gets done. So suck on it, fucking aircraft carrier wimps. We got our prop guns aimed right at you. We're pretty close to the ocean right now,

so I'm a little nervous. What are they gonna do? They can't make a movie, that's what this proves. Well, we've also infiltrated the Coast Guard, much like L. Ron Hubbard, so. Yeah, take it Coast Guard. Fucking movies is what's hard. Yeah, that's the real. That's the message here.

Not these people have their cushy wars. Yeah, they're easy jobs on submarines. What's hard is movies. Yeah, well that's what we can all agree is what we do is the most important best job. The most important and the most difficult job. I would like to see anyone in the goddamn Navy toss a fucking Kleenex box.

See, I expected you to grab that Kleenex box and you grab that one. So now you have to go to jail. Right, that's how this works. Fun fact, all of Hollywood's like dolly industry, the things that move cameras in space kind of thing, that was all adopted from Navy technology for putting bombs into planes.

We've been reverse infiltrated by some Navy PR mouthpiece. Son of a bitch. The Navy? You're in the pocket of big Navy, aren't you? I am. I love the Navy. Big Navy, crucially different from old Navy. Yes.

New Navy. Sorry, Navy. I'm not really that sorry. It's fine. You got boats. You're fine. Now, eventually the stress of running the Senate organ dealing with the brutal California desert climate as well as his growing fear that the FBI was closing in on him forced Elrond hovered to make would become his very last move to a tiny farming town called Hemet, California. Oh boy lots of time in Camping camping Well around him it area. I love camping and you know what else I love no products Oh services every time just those two things no other room for love in my life. Oh boy just product as a comedian

The rule of three is not being fulfilled is gonna just kill me this whole break. Well, yeah too bad. I could not help you. Condiments? I hope it's a condiment. Condiments! Condiments! For decades, the Mafia had New York City in a stranglehold, with law enforcement seemingly powerless to intervene. It uses terror to extort people. However, one murder of a crime boss sparked a chain of events that would ultimately dismantle the mob. It sent the message that we can prosecute these people. Discover how law enforcement and prosecutors

took on the mafia and together brought them down. These bosses on the commission had no idea what was coming their way from the federal government. From Wolf Entertainment and iHeart Radio, this is Law and Order Criminal Justice System. The first two episodes drop on August 22nd. Plus, did you know that you can listen to the episodes as they come out completely ad free? Don't miss out.

Subscribe to the iHeart True Crime Plus channel today, available exclusively on Apple podcasts. Late on the evening of March 8th, 1971, a group of anti-war activists did something insane. Holy s***, we are really here. This is really happening. They weren't professional criminals. They were ordinary citizens, but they needed to know the truth about the FBI.

Burglary's, forged blackmail letters and threats of violence were used to try to stop anti-war marches. Even if that meant risking everything. I just felt like I was living in the heart of the dragon and it was just my job to stop the fire. I'm Ed Helms, host of Snafu, season two, Medburg, the story of a daring heist that exposed J. Edgar Hoover's secret FBI.

If it meant some risks that were involved, well, that's what citizens sometimes have to do. Binge the full second season of Snafu now on the iHeart radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Record everything like you always do. One session. 24 hours. EPM 110 120. She's terrified. Should we wake her up?

Absolutely not. What was that? You didn't figure it out? I think I need to hear you say it. That was live audio of a woman's nightmare. This machine is approved and everything? You're allowed to be doing this? We passed the review board a year ago.

We're not hurting people. There's nothing dangerous about what you're doing. They're just dreams. Dream Sequence is a new horror thriller from Blumhouse Television, iHeartRadio and Realm. Listen to Dream Sequence on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. We're back!

So, Elron Hubbard moved to Hemet, California in secret. His location was known only to a handful of people within the church. For the next six years, the number of people Hubbard interacted with regularly wouldn't be enough to make up two full baseball teams, or basketball teams, whichever one's smaller. I think it's five people on basketball, right? Well, that's on the court. There's more people on baseball teams or basketball teams, whichever one's smaller. I think it's five people on basketball, right? Well, there's on the court. That's on the court.

There's more people on baseball teams. There's more people on baseball teams. That's also way more people than I know. Yeah, exactly. Curling team, I think. A curling team. That's appropriate. Yeah.

Now this life of seclusion and hiding out from justice suited Ron well. According to Barefaced Messiah, quote, although he occasionally threw his food across the room when he believed the cook was trying to poison him, by and large he was better timbered than he had been when he was trying to make movies. He usually got up about midday, audited himself for an hour,

and then dealt with whatever correspondence the messengers had decided he should see. In the afternoons, he devoted several hours to taping lectures and mixing suitable background music. In the evenings, he watched television and reminisced to a small but always attentive audience. Did you say mixing? Yeah.

So he spent all day making playlists and mix tapes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He probably would have edited his own podcast. That's a good, harmless old man to do. That's fine. It's like a cute messiah, you know? It's better than torturing people in your prison when they don't act right.

So filmmaking was the, that's really what cracked the chestnut there, really opened him up to, you know what, I'm just gonna chill out. I also can't believe he doesn't have someone tasting his food ahead of time at this point. I just assumed he'd have the whole royal, like, groom of the stool to wipe his ass, royal food taster to keep the poison out.

I wanna know what tips him off. Yeah, but if he's got a royal food taster, he's gonna get to throw his food across the room. Well, he could have. You could just have a throwing food. And as I've proved with these Kleenex boxes. Like you have Kleenex boxes. Well, I do have tossing food.

Yeah, you make a plate for yourself and a plate to toss. I throw food at Sophie when things aren't the way that I want them to. Robert is filling a Kleenex box with food. He's just shoving it full of food. Ah! That's gonna be tough to clean up when Sophie gets back. We only have three left.

We'll leave it for her. We'll leave it for her. She loves it. She does love it. She loves it. David Mayo was one member of Hubbard's small, attentive audience in the nights. He recalled many evenings with the Commodore,

playing hillbilly songs on his guitar and lying about the years he'd spent as a troubadour in Appalachia. Oh, yes. Yeah, I think he was making up the songs as he went along. Afterwards, everyone clapped. Yes. Hell yes.

I desperately wanna hear some of L. Ron Hubbard's improvised hillbilly songs. I wanted to see that live. There's no replacement for that. There's nothing that could've possibly been. That's your YouTube channel. Yeah. That is a hundred year hubby.

Unplugged, L. Ron Hubbard pretending to be a hillbilly singing random songs. Hey, hey y'all. Hey y'all. Hey y'all. Lil Nas X help me out. Xeno's coming to get ya. On the days when he went into town, Hubbard would wear a variety of absurd disguises.

A baseball cap with fake hair sewn onto it. Stage makeup to alter the shape of his face. False eyebrows and sideburns. Hubbard was convinced he looked like a local. No one else thought this. Thankfully, the internet did not exist and so no one in him recognized him either. For six years Hubbard's location was kept perfectly secret from the law, the government, and even his own wife and children. Gradually he pared down the number of Scientologists allowed to be around him. David Miskevich, his former messenger and also at one point a cameraman, was often the only person in direct contact

with L. Ron Hubbard. Do you know if he worked on the movies? Oh yeah, yeah, that's what he was doing. He was, yeah. Good, okay. Like that's part of why- Bring in the guy who knows anything. Yeah.

It's like, I need a cameraman. Hey guy who used to be like a messenger. A page boy. Now you're a cameraman. Yeah. Later if you could beat some other guys up in a room, I guess you could have this. Isn't that what happened with Muska Bitch? We'll talk about Muska Bitch later.

He needs his own episode. He needs his own three-parter probably to be honest. Now Hubbard did continue sending letters to David Mayo, his beloved auditor. Mayo recalls these letters growing more and more unhinged as the months turned into years of isolation. Quote, in the first paragraph of one letter, he said something like you might think I've gone crazy, but I'm still okay. Just believe what I say is true. I remember thinking, God, whatever's coming must be pretty weird. They called me mad and said on the outside of the envelope. That's what I got worried.

It was real demented stuff, berating psychiatrists and claiming they were the root of all evil not just on this planet But since time immemorial he had figured out that back at the beginning of the universe Psychiatrists created evil on a particular star system when I read through it. I thought my god. He is crazy He can exhort me to think he's not crazy, but this letter belies it I hate to say shit is crazy I thought you're gonna go with like yeah, a classy way to say shit is crazy, dude. This is fucking nuts. I thought you were gonna go with like, Yeah, this is kind of crazy because like,

Who made the scientists? Psychiatrist invented evil in the beginning of time. It's always gotta be the beginning of time. I wish we could know his, the origin of that. I feel like he must have at some point in his life, had one therapy session where he went, yeah, I'm a little blue. And they were like, you're a piece of shit.

And he was like, well, I hate this. I hate psychiatry. Like who hurt you, little L-Rod? I will say that his hatred of psychiatrists is more proof that like as a man, even though he didn't spend that much time here, he was the living embodiment of Los Angeles. Like this city in a single man. that as a man, even though he didn't spend that much time here, he was the living embodiment of Los Angeles.

Like this city in a single man. I was in touch with all realities. Completely in space. Very hungry for power. Yeah. A terrible place to live. It's so specific and consistent. It rubbed off on Tom Cruise.

He did that appearance where he famously was psychiatry as evil. It's such a core tenet. and I don't know of any other religion that's like also the Lord saith screw Chiropractors like we hate them. It's so no Buddhism's really anti chiropractic Poem Ozzy Mandeus where it's like cuz Los Angeles itself is kind of a testament to that They're like, let's make a metropolis where in the desert, where you don't make things. 20 million people there. Yeah.

How do we plan for this? Don't plan, we'll make it up as we go. No planning. Okay, but we should at least have a network of trams and trolleys and no. No. How do we? One car for every person.

Okay, so now. How do we get water? We just steal it from this other state. Yeah, let's take it from North people. Now everyone in the town's feeling alienated and isolated by the plight of modern man. Well, they should pay us. Yeah.

Because we can fix that. Yeah. We cures what ails us. Yeah. Now, by 1982, Lafayette Run Hubbard's letters to David Mayo revealed a growing obsession with death. The Commodore was 71 years old, in poor health, and as crazy as a bat on acid.

Hubbard was still canny enough to know that he had exactly one great achievement left in him. O'Ron Hubbard was going to write the greatest science fiction series of all time. The first entry in the new saga would be Battlefield Earth. Hell yeah! A saga of the year 3000. Starting with Barry Pepper.

Cut to him typing firefly, pilot. What? What? What are you telling me right now? That's why there's only one season. Yeah, exactly. Hover did not publish a sci-fi story in more than 30 years at that point.

Battlefield Earth was a sprawling 800 page epic. He declared it the longest science fiction book ever written, which might actually have been true at the time I really have no way cares. Yeah That is believable though cuz one thing all around Hubbard can do is write incredibly long books and never edit them not for a second This is his Finnegan's wake. Yeah Yeah, as a sci-fi short story buff just for the record all of his short stories are mediocre Yeah, but he wasn't an amazing sci-fi short story buff, just for the record, all of his short stories are mediocre. Yeah. Like he wasn't an amazing sci-fi short story writer.

He was an adequate short story writer. Yeah, adequate. Some are adequate. In an age in which you'd buy a book that had 40 of them for a penny, and that's what entertainment was. Yeah. He was like a mediocre Netflix series that you put,

like that's what his science fiction was, because like those little like magazines that would be full of stories were like Netflix. Some of them, you get some Arthur C. Clarke's, and it's like Bojack Horseman or whatever, and it's brilliant. And a lot of them were L. Ron Hubbard, which is like the cake topping show or whatever.

They were almost always like Flash Gordon. He never had a grand sci-fi concept. He put a cowboy in space and had him do cool shit. Yeah. Yeah. This is heresy. Yeah. Oh.

I've turned. I looked out the window and I've gone clear Don't say that about Elrond hubby Elrond So the plot of battlefield earth was as dumb as it was shitty Johnny Good boy Tyler the protagonist was one of the last human beings on earth after an alien invasion destroyed civilization in the thousand years since Mankind regressed to a feral Stone Age level of development, while the evil aliens who now ruled the world mined it for its resources. Hubbard's ego demanded that Battlefield Earth

be an instant hit. Thankfully, he had the resources of one of the world's wealthiest cults at his beck and call. The Church of Scientology bought 50,000 copies of the book at launch, and also poured millions into a PR campaign aimed at making it go viral. Scientologists were ordered to buy two or three copies each at minimum.

Battlefield Earth was just the prelude to Mission Earth. A 1.2 million word epic Hubbard intended to release in 10 parts. Yeah, 1.2 million words. What? And that has been written? Oh yeah. Okay, or I was like, was he like pointing at the stands

calling his shot? Yeah. The sequel, by the way, 1.2 million words. He did that and then wrote it. And then did it. Yeah, for some reference, I think Lord of the Rings trilogy off the top that has about 400,000 words total, somewhere in that ballpark.

So three Lord of the Rings. So three Lord of the Rings trilogies. And you mean the entirety of the Lord. So three Lord of the Rings trilogies. Trilogies, yeah. Yeah, we never think about how much goddamn time this guy spent in front of a typewriter. That's one thing that is not a lot right he wrote like fucking crazy at the end It just says screw Flanders

So Hubbard actually wrote this monstrosity or at least dictated it to someone else we don't really know but tragically He did not live to see it released in its entirety on January 19th we don't really know, but tragically he did not live to see it released in its entirety. On January 19th, 1986, L. Ron Hubbard sent out his last command, flag order number 3879, the Sea Org and its future. In this order, the Commodore promoted himself to Admiral, published a glossy photo of himself in a new uniform, and about five days later, died. He did not die alone, but he was not surrounded by his friends or family either. His doctor and lawyer were the only ones present. Everything about his

death was handled with the utmost secrecy, but the church could not stop the coroner from looking at the body. The inquest found a bandage on his right butt-cheek covering ten fresh needle marks. It also found traces of hydroxine in his blood. The drug is most often prescribed as an anti-anxiety and anti-neurotic medication. In other words, a psychiatric medication. The church steadfastly rejected the idea that L. Ron Hubbard had died with psychiatric medicine in his system. They claimed that he took the medication as an antihistamine,

which, sure guys, absolutely. His butt gets famously congested. His butt gets real congested. L. Ron Hubbard was having antihistamine, yeah, yeah, exactly. In a phone interview with the San Luis Obispo New Times, church spokesman Tommy Davis insisted, he didn't take it as a psychiatric medication, that's all. It's one of those things that anti-scientologists

wanna make an issue about. And we're like, yeah, whatever. And to emphasize the anger Tommy Davis expressed to the newspaper, I'm gonna throw another. I'm gonna throw another one of these. Yeah! Oh, that one was good. Cause they were all going like he abused millions of people and we're like, as if. I'm gonna throw another one. Yeah. Yeah! Oh, that one was good.

Because they were all going like he abused millions of people and we're like, as if. Yeah. As whatever. Whatever. The rank and file of Scientology were informed of their prophet's death. Three days later, on January 27th, David Miskevich addressed 1800 Scientologists at the Hollywood Palladium Theater. He told them this.

At 2000 hours, Friday 24th January 1986, L. Ron Hubbard discarded the body he had used in this lifetime for 74 years, 10 months and 11 days. The body he had used to facilitate his existence in this universe had ceased to be useful and in fact had become an impediment to the work he now must do outside its confines. The being we knew as L. Ron Hubbard still exists, although you may feel grief, understand that he did not and does not now. He simply moved on to his next step. LRH, in fact, used this lifetime and body we knew to accomplish what no man has ever accomplished. He unlocked the mysteries of life and gave us the tools so we could free ourselves and our fellow man."

Wow. P.S. He did some self-auditing and he found out he's even better than he thought he was so he's an admiral now. He's an admiral now. I could not think of the HUD sucker. Yeah. You know the HUD sucker praxis scene? Sure, sure.

Yeah, at 6.04 wearing HUD sucker merged with the infinite. That is a punch up. He should have said merged with the infinite. Well, he did leave us with a little bit of a eulogy to himself. Because of course- It can't be finished with it. Yeah, L. Ron Hubbard wasn't gonna let someone else get the last word. He wrote all the things. There's nothing he couldn't have written that wasn't written.

And the elegy he chose was a song called Thank You for Listening from an album of Scientology songs titled The Road to Freedom. Are we gonna listen to it? Yeah, we are going to hear L. Ron Hubbard himself sing a motherfucking song. Oh, dude, this is gonna- Please don't tell me he can fuck and has a voice like an angel. I hope this is a bop, dude. I hope this is a bop. All right, friends, without further ado,

the voice of L. Ron Hubbard. The boss! Yeah! Music's original The Boss! Everybody? Nice bridge. Bring it us in, bring it us in. Oh, god damn. Thank you for listening. I write just for you. But others hearing this may find things they would argue. I do not sing what I believe. I only give them facts. If they don't believe, like a dinosaur in a children's car suit. I do not sing what I believe. I only give them facts.

If they believe quite otherwise, it still will have empire. Whoa! He can hit the bass too! Yeah! I love this song! Yeah! I love it! Except if you listen to the lyrics, they're bad shit insane!

Of course they are! I'm gonna toss a clean X-Box! Yeah! Hit the roof! There are also no real instruments on this song. This is like a lady karaoke band. Imagine all the listening that takes at a funeral. But truth is truth and if they then I've been listening to this at a funeral. She loves them low lines. Wow.

It sounds like it's the Full House theme or about how you all should have believed me, you're all gonna suffer now. This is, these are the notes to the Full House. A lot of musical interludes in between the vocals.

He's breakdancing during this part. He can't sing at the same time. He's got two guitars on him and he's doing his solo right now. Surprisingly good at breakdancing and fucking. Really way too much instrumentals. So much. Okay. Now so that we can't get in trouble

with copyright concerns, let's discuss linguistically. Yes. Lyrically. Musically, because you're both musicians, right? Yes. Yeah. You're a rapist. Too much less. Oh, that's true. Yeah, you're a rapist, and you're part of Cody's band, right? Yeah, yeah. I consider it Cody's band,

but I don't know that it is. He just- Yeah, uh-huh. It's more like guys just showing up and Which makes you as qualified as L Ron Hubbard to talk about Analyze this on the public record. I was kicked out of that band No, no for the comments that's true Yes, the Cody's band He is he is a prima don. Yeah. And we'll be listening to this episode. And I want him to record my version of this song

once I get a cult going. Well, I was in charge of- Let's cover this song! Yeah! Let's cover this song! Let's cover this song! I was in charge of cleaning the rehearsal rooms and the guys with the white gloves were not pleased.

Yeah. They kicked me out of there. So, Michael, your thoughts on Thank You for Listening and on L. Ron Hubbard's voice. Let's start with your thoughts on his voice. Abe already stole the, like Abe gave me the image that stuck in my mind, which yeah, it's like Barney the dinosaur singing to kids,

but instead of teaching them how to wash their hands, he's saying, you're all living in a diluted fantasy world children soon you'll get sick from this do you understand but and i'm not listening to my sweet candy every two fantasies yeah it also sounds like the guy in a barbershop quartet who's only there to hit the low note at the end to go oh baby yeah and they're, the three other guys didn't show up. You gotta sing the middle and high part. It's not a barbershop quartet.

Oh, do my best. If there's not a shot of that guy who hits that low note, and everyone goes, oh yeah, that low note part of the song. God, Abe, your thoughts. Yeah, mine went immediately to the instrumentation, because it's just, it's shouting something immediately. Like, from the get-go, it's the horns, like you were saying, Michael,

they're like clearly fake horns. Like, someone got like my brother's Casio and is doing like French horn on it. I bet they somehow fucked that up though. I bet they actually recorded, because he had money, right? He had so much money. So I've never heard a recording that probably was recorded on actual instruments.

And because they're so bad at recording, like they're bad at filmmaking, they're very similar. It sounds like a MIDI version. And you know how I like Midis, Michael? Midis are my favorite type of music. The Boys Are Back in Town is your favorite track. It's better than the original, the MIDI versions. But I wish, or maybe it was.

I mean, if this was studio musicians he hired, what a great thing to be on a fly on the wall for. He clearly could have afforded it. I feel like he didn't just because he was so scared that everyone was trying to murder him or secretly the FBI, which is why he didn't just like hire a real production company to make this movie. It had to all be done in house by sciatologists.

And AR-15 can fit in a guitar case, so he's like, no musicians, no. Yeah, yeah, exactly. There's so many moments in this journey that we've been taking where it's just, I wanna know what that guy who was just told, all right, so you have to learn how microphones work. And he's like, my last job was I worked at McDonald's.

Or in a lot of cases, I was a heart surgeon. This is not at all my area. Right, I have no clue how to do this. Well, it's going to have to be perfect. Or what? He'll beat you. He'll wind up in the torture prison we have. Well, I guess I signed up and gave money for this. I do feel like killing myself after listening to it.

That must mean it's the best song. It must be. It's the best ever song. It's the song version of Excalibur. It's so weird to me that a guy who could manipulate the emotions of millions of people and strike at something core in us, which is just, you know, like the hook to Scientology is, yeah, your life is a mess and they offer enough that seems believable at the base level

that it hooks millions of people in. And yet he doesn't understand tone at all. Like it's the bizarre, the lyrics are ominous and the music is like, Scientology is the soda that will finally refresh you. Yeah, I'd like all others He doesn't like get how to manipulate people's emotions and yet he does and yet he does obviously gets it Yeah, I will I didn't want to point out that he was only like pitch use pitchy a lot less than I expected Yeah, he was pitching maybe one or two once or twice. He like flubbed a note, but I mean, he's got mediocre pipes. Yeah, I'm saying. The main thing that made it sound bad,

I thought was that he cut every word. It sounds like the melody lines like falling down the stairs. I know exactly what that is. It's called a noise gate, and they probably had it set too high. Turned it way too high. Because they don't know what's going on. So they just, anytime the microphone is like, oh, there's no signal, it just, There's no tail. It's a bunch of lawyers and spies

trying to work audio equipment. Also, if the noise gate was off on this track between every line, you'd hear him go, ah. Yeah. When he like breathes in as a 71 year old crypt keeper. Yeah. Yeah.

Guess, guess, you know what my spread the bear. Cause any moment is the final one. Call me the Commodore. Ah. Ah. Well, I think that's our legally mandated commentary over that song. Yeah, fair use.

Fair use. And you know what I have to say about fair use. Yeah. I'm gonna, I'm gonna chuck to satire. Fair use. And you know what I have to say about fair use. Yeah. I'm gonna chuck my last Kleenex box. Ah! Ah! That's number 10, baby.

Skyward. Well, the floor is covered in throw-in bagels and throw-in boxes of Kleenex. A couple of torn-up pieces of earlier scripts that I read earlier. What fun. I dropped the top of my water bottle on the ground. I wanted to help out.

Thank you. We always leave it a mess because I'm a problem like L. Ron Hubbard. Once the show takes off enough, I will absolutely buy a compound in Southern California and force people to make movies. I'll be your lead movie maker guy. No, no, no, no. You'll be piloting boats. The Navy guys I bring into the cult, they'll be making the movies. I assume you started this show to have a big track record, educate everyone on people way worse than stuff you plan to do later. So they know it's not so bad. Or I might try to take it to the nth level. No way to know.

I didn't finish Wild Wild Country, but I'm on board with creating a Colt city in the middle of nowhere. I really want to see what your battlefield earth is. Oh yeah. I wanna know what you think happened right at the beginning of the universe. I wish we could- And how it relates to you. Still psychiatrists. Yes, still psychiatrists.

I wish we could get cults to just assemble, make a movie based on their beliefs, and then disassemble. Yeah. I wanna see all of them. I wish all movies were made by cults. Mm-hmm. In a way they are. Yes, in a way. It is propaganda, all of them. I wish all movies were made by cults. In a way they are. In a way.

It is propaganda. All of it. Yeah. I don't know what Orwell would have said. It's true. Yeah. Including this. Well yeah, I mean this is absolutely propaganda

aimed at getting me a compound somewhere in the Northwest and a religion. Get indoctrinated people. Yeah. With just a giant glowing Dorito. Yeah spindle that turns glowing Dorito on a filming everyone at all and and and turrets of That's your coal would be nice because if you fuck up the set or Robert changes his mind He wanted a blue now. He wants a green. He just throws a bagel at your head like it could be worse I will throw bagels a lot

Hungry just eat the compound because it's made of bagels and big real rat problems Yeah, yeah, you got your five rat quota already met within three seconds. They're huge These bagel fed rats are becoming too strong, Robert. They're threatening to overtake the compound. Somebody's been feeding them whey protein, so they're even working out as well. So they're like swole, nervous rats in your compound. Well, we found a dead rat with a bunch of puncture needles

in its butt. We think it's the rat you Also the rat has a t-shirt that says the Joe Rogan podcast We're fucked We're so fucked Oh god, oh god, okay Plugs, pluggables Yeah, we uh, both he and I, Michael Swayv and Abe Epperson We have a little thing called a small beans

Which you can see on patreon we do videos and Podcasts ourselves and there's a bunch of other great podcasts on that network. You can access it from by going to patreon.com Slash small beans and yeah, we're doing another show. I don't know, we said this last episode, I can't even remember. Oh yeah. It's the Double Down in case you only wanted to hear about the last part of the last part of Elrond Hubbard's life.

Yeah, we're launching a new show called Off Hours that is gonna be basically the whole production team are people who used to work at a site called Cracked. Now, what was that? Was that a site called cracked and it was a napkin fulfillment site you know they like refill all yeah towels and soap dispensers but they also ran a web series and similarly a lot of people worked on that sure now working on our new show called off hours which will involve four friends sitting around talking about pop culture.

Well, that's, uh, legally distinct. Legally distinct and a good antidote for behind the bastard if it gets you down. Come listen to some mindless bullshit that we won't find out for 20 years was actually evil. Yeah. When your cult gets going. Exactly.

Yeah, let's get that cultural dipstick going. Everybody build a cult! All right. We for sure are. We, everybody build a cult. All right. We for sure are. We for sure are. That shut us up. Yeah, we were like, oh no. Everybody build a cult.

OK, I'm leaving. Well, this has been Behind the Bastards. I've been Robert Evans. My Twitter, Instagram, at BastardsPod, website, BehindTheBastards.com, t-shirts, T-Public. I have another podcast. It could happen here. It's sad. Goodbye!

Behind the Bastards is a production of Cool Zone Media. For more from Cool Zone Media, visit our website CoolZoneMedia.com or check us out on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. iHeartRadioApp, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Ever get the feeling someone's watching you? Well, in 1971, a group of anti-war activists had that feeling. I was in the heart of the dragon and it was my job to stop the fire. So they decided to do something insane,

break in to the FBI and expose J. Edgar Hoover's dirty secrets. We had some idea that this was pretty explosive. I'm Ed Helms. Binge the full second season of Snafu now on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. In California, during the summer of 1975, within the span of 17 days and less than 90 miles, two women did something no other woman had done before, try to assassinate the president of the United States. One was the protege of Charles Manson, 26-year-old Lynette Fromm, nicknamed Squeaky.

The other, a middle-aged housewife working undercover for the FBI, identified by police as Sarah Jean Moore in her 40s. The story of one strange and violent summer. This season on the new podcast, Rip Current. Listen to Rip Current on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Kay hasn't heard from her sister in seven years. I have a proposal for you.

Come up here and document my project. All you need to do is record everything like you always do. What was that? That was live audio of a woman's nightmare. Can Kay trust her sister? Or is history repeating itself? There's nothing dangerous about what you're doing. They're just dreams.

Dream Sequence is a new horror thriller from Blumhouse Television, iHeartRadio, and Realm. Listen to Dream Sequence on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.