Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian w Jordan Episode 025: "We Broke Ian" W Sean Patton

Episode Date: January 18, 2023

  Thanks for listening please Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content! https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod WATCH SEAN PATTON'S NEW SPECIAL HERE: https://www.peacocktv.com/watch-onlin... Buy Merch here!: https://beinianpodmerch.bigcartel.com Visit http://www.manscaped.com and use code SKA for 20% off. Visit http://athleticgreens.com/SKA for a Free 1-year supply of Vitamin D   Follow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjense... See Jordan Live! : https://www.jordanjensencomedy.com/up... Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! : http://www.ianfidance.com/calendar Follow Sean Patton : https://www.instagram.com/mrseanpatton/ See Sean Patton Live: http://meseanpatton.com/shows Sean Patton's New Special : https://www.peacocktv.com/watch-onlin... Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced by : Jordan Hayman Produced/Edited by: Ethan Dupree https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian

Being Ian And life is ride when you're being Ian, being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a life being Ian, being Ian. With Jordan. Yes. It is another episode of B&E and with Jordan. Gail's blanket. Gail's blanket.

Thank you, mommy. No, no, no, no, no. For the blanket. Are you going to do a whole song and dance? No. Who's Gail? My mom. Oh, shit. She knitted us this blanket for the show. I got her a knitting kit during the pandemic. Are you going to do a whole song and dance? Who's Gail? My mom. Oh, shit.

She knitted us this blanket for the show. I got her a knitting kit during the pandemic. She's really taken a liking to it. Quit saying the N-word on the pod. We're going to lose our funding. Sorry. We're going to lose our funding. Speaking of fun, ding.

We've got Sean Patton. The fucking best. Oh, hi. The fucking best. Oh oh now I can see you with a man what can I tell you something on the last pod

I couldn't quite picture it but now that you're here and he's getting all happy I can see can I tell you something a little behind the scenes oh oh oh

the food's here how did you order me anything that's pretty behind the scenes. Oh, the food's here. How? Did you order me anything? That's pretty behind the scenes. Anyone watching this right now like, oh, so they order food during podcasts? Pull the curtain back. We really like to just be

ourselves. Oh my god, the cigarette smoking is fine with me because I am accepting. Thank you. Okay, so little behind the scenes about me being with a man. I gotta tell you. Okay, so little behind the scenes about me being with a man. I gotta tell you, Sean. Did we bang?

No, but years and years and years ago. What? Yeah. Years ago, I... So sometimes when I would get high, things would be fine, and other times I would have, like, true mental psychosis, like, breakdown, weed, like breakdown weed.

Like every time it ticked in with my bipolar, like it was fucking gnarly. Like one time I thought the government was after me and I couldn't use my hands. Did you say bipolar? Yeah. So you are bipolar, bisexual. And I ride a bicycle. Bicycle. And if you lived in la half the year and you

were bi-coastal yes holy shit dude the true bi guy i'm a true bi guy yeah can you speak spanish you're not even allowed but no bilingual okay uh so i thought the government was there after me and if i used my credit card he's also a bigot a bigot a bigot yeah not that of you woman um so i thought the government was after me and if i used my card they dragged me down so i walked all the way home from the creek to brooklyn and then i couldn't use uh money for a while and there were tv producers that were trying to get me on a show. Anyway, just a little wee. But it was after a show, I think at Murder Fist or something. And you were there and you were talking to some of the guys. I smoked weed with Amber Nelson and I was like over here.

And I think she left and I was by myself. And I went into one of these psychosis things and you were talking to some people. And I don't know if you were joking around or not, but loud voices were coming from your group that were like, yeah, man, everybody's fucked a guy who cares. Fuck a guy, be with a guy. Nobody cares. And I hadn't told anyone that I'd ever been with men. And in my head, I was like, is this real? Is it really not a big deal? If I do it, maybe I should tell people.

And like, I don't know if you were saying that or not but that made me go maybe it's okay well give me a timeline here have you fucked a guy I've been with a guy 2015 2016 this would have been really yeah wow I would have been having this conversation really yeah no yes

wow you saved Ian's life you helped me oh no shit yeah because I was like Well he's got Cause I thought If I told anyone All my friends would leave me And no one would want me

In their life Right Like Catholic guilt But I was like Dude you got friends You're fucking great You're a chick

Maybe I should be Honest with who I am Here's where My Progressive Mindedness Almost cancels itself out because yes. I beat the shit out of that guy.

I only fucked him after I took him down for being a queer. All these queer stompers. No, it was in 2013 after I did the Comedy Central half hour in Boston. I fucking ended up

spending the night, we'll say, with one of the producers of, did you, or was it? There was no anal penetration, but there was everything else. I'll say that. Both ends? Yeah, both ends. Good for you. But it was a moment, I can say this.

It was less about like, God, I'm so horny for dick. More about, this is probable right now and I really want to do it I can't explain it other than that it's just on the table I'm into it fuck it let's go so the conversation I was probably having with those people outside the creek was like

you shouldn't just fucking do it if you're into someone do it don't care what gender they are the back swing though is I get really annoyed with the with the with bisexual because these days i feel like it is more of a it is more of a see i'm not just a straight white guy i'm bi i'm not just a straight white girl i'm doing that i feel like it's more of like not many guys are doing that but women do it a lot I see it. Really? Au contraire I mean I'm not the only one

No but I know you're I know he's half a fan That would be hilarious if there was actual bisexual Italian New Yorkers like So I'm actually half a fan Oh dude I did that in Vegas Cause Cohen was like he's from New York and I went up there

and I was like I'm a new type of New Yorker. You better suck my dick, they, them. Like the progressive Italian gay man. You're a legit. I don't think you could be phony. I don't think you haven't. I mean, look at this. Look at this.

No, he tried for years. Look at this picture. You think he ain't had a choice but to be funny? Yep. Look at that. Look at that. Yep. Dude, well, that's the thing.

I get annoyed with bisexual because I feel like it's so like, and I'm like, no, no, no. First of all, I've never felt welcome or like, okay.

Without like community because I've never been like, you know, but a part of me now is like, no, I don't know who gives a fuck. I am who I am. I do what I want when I want to do what I want. Who gives a fuck?

I identify as Ian, but I do what I want, when I want, with who I want. Who gives a fuck? I identify as Ian. But that's what... Get it. But that's what I'm saying. God, the spittle is there. Couldn't fucking lube up a bear orgy of actual bears. Bisexual isn't even a thing anymore. Now it's like a pansexual.

Which I hate. That's bi erasure. Put that gay finger down. Listen to me. Sorry. Everything needs to me. Sorry. Everything needs to stop. Sean Patton had sex with a man once and you are a full gay. Your hand is possessed by Harvey, what's his name?

Milk. The farstein. Milk. How do you even get yourself to do this without hearing a father's voice? Be like, put that down, boy. I can't even. Every time I've done, like, I've done, you know, I still like to do bar shows. Every time I do, I feel like there's a 28-year-old bearded comedian who's like,

well, I'm bi, and then no jokes about it. Yeah. Just says it, so it's like a shield. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, look, I have had my dick sucked by a dude, and I have sucked a man's dick. Yes. And here's the thing. I will not call myself bisexual. You're just a cool dude. I just was into it in that moment. I think he's that. I'm a cool guy, too a man's dick. And here's the thing. I will not call myself bisexual. You're just a cool dude.

I just was into it in that moment. I think he's that. I'm a cool guy too. And I was cool behind the scenes for 11 years with a man that has a family. He would have loved you in a different world. Different life. I know.

Jordan talks about, which by the way, I always, my favorite part of currently your this your of your skit my favorite part of your one-person sketches that you're doing is when you go into talking about your lesbian moms and then i fucked my stepbrother that's what i'm doing on stage now i told you after you got off stage at the vu the other like two weeks ago how like i thought that was amazing and how you should do a one person show about it I should

because I think that's fucking hilarious but I also think that's kind of hot Jordan comes out she's like she's in overalls wearing a hat like this

she's like family huh yeah that's how she starts her first there's a slingshot in your back pocket yeah yeah yeah

yeah there's a one hay barrel on your back pocket yeah yeah yeah there's one hay barrel on stage and that's it take one piece of straw out one down you can finish it or if the whole thing was you on the paper route riding like a stationary bike

that could be my thing I'm a bike rider you were saying i think sean is so straight that he had his dick sucked i think you are a genuine genuine bisexual which is crazy they are very rare i think genuine bisexuals are very rare can i tell you what i what i what i pretty much know i am but i don't like to fucking talk about it what are you is i'm a high i'm a high functioning asexual is what i am really yes explain sex has never truly been like a motive or like a thing for me i have it so it's like cook it's like a cooked steak if it's there i fucking i'm all about it but actually going out

getting the steak you're not gonna order it so like even when i was a kid it was never like i'm horny i need to get pussy i'd be like hey i a kid, it was never like, I'm horny. I need to get pussy. I'd be like, hey, oh, you want to fuck? I'm down. I'm horny now. And if presented with it, I'm into it. But I've never chased ass. That's never been me.

In moments where I think I could do it, it's like, hey, this seems like it might be a thing. And then bam. And I was just in an eight year relationship. So it's kind of like coke where you're not going to seek it out but if it's around you'll kind of fucking do it i also sometimes don't want to do like a lot of like look i just got out of an eight-year relationship we had we were it was healthy but there were times where it was like this is not super cool you know for me yeah yeah i need to like i need to fucking come on god damn it yeah and my you know my ex was fucking hot as hell so it's like um i think that's me i think i'm a high functioning sexual i don't like to say that out loud though

because people when you say something like that people are like why aren't you talking about it yeah because i don't want to use the goddamn label yes it's also it's like hard to write about i am a straight white dude i have a very i have a have a, I have privilege. I don't need more. Yeah. I don't need more. I'm the A in LGBTA. Dude, do you know how many people in the industry have been like, you know, you really got to make me and buy your thing. You really, if you do like, if you write your show about la la, you'll do that.

And I'm like, no, I don't want to do that. I don't want to do that. I don't want to do that. If you make your show about la la and la la, you should do both. La la and la la. And maybe just a little ha ha. You know, why not? La la and you do both la la and Maybe just a little ha ha. Why not? No, but dude, I totally agree. I think

in relationships I end up becoming asexual in a way because I think more than anything I see companionship partnership and like love and the sex thing is a way to like get there and then after a while I'm like, let's just hang out and be best friends. I think that's just being an adult. I think that's what happens.

Yeah. I'm also like way too into oral. That's not asexual. No, that's not. I mean, I don't think that's, I'm just saying like, not that I'm. We're in an over sexual world and sex is everywhere. And then we feel like freaks when we're like, okay, I could do this once a week. That's great.

And the rest of the time we're watching Sopranos getting cozy. And I don't think that's bad. That's what I used to do. That's the best. I don't think that it's realistic. All these people. I don't have a buddy who's having group sex, orgies, constant threesomes. And you know what it is?

Not too much. She's the hottest girl ever. I'm like, yeah, if I looked like that, I also would want to be having sex that frequently. You know what I mean? Get her on the pod. Are you doing this thing where you're talking about yourself? We're like, my friend. Yeah. No, my friend. I haven't had sex in how long?

Four and a half years. She gets fucked every once every election. Yeah. On election night. On election night. By Obama. And you actually decide. And you actually decide. You're the swing vote. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whenever I moan out in ecst decide. You're the swing vote. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whenever I moan out in ecstasy.

You're in one of those. You're in a swing. Swing it. Swing vote. It's more like the groundhog of sex. Yeah. Jordan comes out and comes. You should do it.

You do it with a couple and you swap whoever you're with. That's the swing vote. That's exhausting. Swinging? I can't. Like, dude, that's the thing. When people make, like, sex. Oh, shit.

I should have her on the pod and she'll talk all about it. They do a thing where they vet the fucking, the new couple. Would she 69 on the pod? What? Ah, jokes. Anyway, go ahead. But would she? Ah, jokes. Anyway, go ahead. Bud Wetchie. Yeah, I don't know.

It's so exhausting. Sometimes you say things and you just turn into an animated cartoon character. It's crazy. Like a little thing comes out of your head and spins. Ah, we're just having fun. I am Roger Rabbit. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yep. I am Roger Rabbit. Oh my God.

Yep. You are Roger Rabbit. Yeah, you do two bits and a haircut and I lose my fucking mind. Finish it. finish it what the knocking scared you like it was a it was someone in the next studio keep it down god damn. You know that threatening knock. Oh my God, immediately. Dad, no.

Nothing's happening in here. You know what's so funny was your reaction. I was like, wow, Jordan's really committing to this bit after not seeming into it at all. Oh my God, I thought you were also scared. I felt like I was back in Nam. That scared the shit out of me. No, I was in Nam in a previous know. I think that was the parental knock.

That was the, are you flicking your bean in there, bitch? You want to know something fucking stupid that you're going to enjoy? Every time I go to Chicago, it's almost like an OCD thing. Oh, you go to the bean and you rub it. I just flick it once. Nice. Flick what? I've done this seven years in a row.

What's that? Millennium Park. It's a sculpture. It's called The Bean. I just walk up, put two in it. Ding. That was the name of my old cat. Walk away.

Millennium Park? He's still alive. Millennium Park. That was the name of your old cat. Beans. I really wish it was Millennium Park. That's going to be a name in the new cat. I got another cat called...

Why did you knock on the wall? That was the bit. Shave and haircut. Did you ever see... What's he... Who framed Roger Rabbit? Yeah. Yeah, that's the...

They didn't because the way he went... Yeah. Means no. I did. Name one part of it. When he gets steamrolled and Jessica Rabbit, she's really hot. And when he goes, I love you, Eddie. Eddie.

I'm Eddie. You're Eddie. Holy shit, I am so Eddie. We need a Jessica Rabbit, Sean. I'm in. I'm in. Here we go. I got great tits, awesome ass.

I got a fucking awesome ass. She's so hot she's the hottest that was my that was totally that was me and who's when the judge

is trying to suss him out wow you really wear that he starts knocking on he starts rapping on all the walls yes

yes that's me yes oh that's such a good movie that's a good plane movie that is a good plane movie. I always watch that on a plane.

That is a good anything movie. Yeah. Arguably one of the best, most underrated movies of all time. And totally mind-blowing at the time for live action animation. Still holds up. Yeah. Yeah. And the little baby in the beginning.

He's like, goo goo. And then he's like, I'll be in my trailer. Yeah. It's great. Bob Hoskins, baby. R.I.P. I believe. Yes. trailer. Yeah. It was great. Bob Hoskins, baby. R.I.P., I believe. Yes. Also in Hook.

He was Shmee. Shmee. Oh, dude. Crushes it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You know what else cartoon to human I liked when. Baby's Kids. Shout out Robin Harris. R.I.P. Go ahead. When Robin Williams does the voice for the bird in Mrs. Doubtfire, it's so good. Yes.

Oh, the smoking bird? Yeah. It's like, help! But also, like, any out-of-work act or whatever, be like, nope, taking a moral high ground on voiceover work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely not. You know the fucking payment on this, asshole?

Yeah. Literally, I had to do a voiceover audition where I was a bear, but it identified as a rhinoceros. And I was like, this sucks. Oh, my God. Me, me, me, me. Yeah, I just fucking did it. Roar. I like to swim.

I'm thinking hippopotamuses. Dude, I just sing a song. It was, I mean. Oh, my God. You want me to play it? Yes. Wow. Yeah.

That's. Of course. Yep, yep, yep. You guys yep yep you guys talking about the song he sings in mrs. out there with the bird he doesn't sing a song dude Robin Williams in Aladdin when I was little I remember hearing that he would just make up yeah and they would draw and I was like that's what I want to do with my life when he was like Caesar when he's switching outfits over. Yes. Yeah. Figaro, Figaro.

Da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da. Yeah. I'm putting my phone on. You're going to play it? No, I'm putting it on airplane mode. Nice. You know? Yeah.

I'm like this fucking guy. Figaro. I'm like this fucking guy. Wait. Play the song. This is going to be worth it. Figaro. Figaro.

Me. Me, me, me, me, me. I can't. I wish. Sometimes I wish I could sing, but then I don't want, like, I feel like singers can be annoying people. Well, they can't help but do it on stage. They have to do it.

If they can sing, they do it on stage. Have you ever been with someone who's like, listen to this song. I love it so much. And then they just sing it at full volume the whole time. Yeah, this is why I hate rap from dating white dudes who are like, I love this song. And they're rapping into my open mouth. I'm like, what are you doing? You didn't write this song.

You are not this. You're not Kendrick. Rapping into your open mouth. They're just like, do-do-do-do-do. And you just have to watch and wait. Who are you dating that's doing it? Oh, my God. Stop dating all these.

Yeah. These gent. I don't know if you could say what they're... South African Americans. No. oh oh oh Ian show it or grow it

alright man wait real quick Jordan I meant to say this to you last night we do we do a joke that's the same oh yeah what is it where we both go I'm not white trash I'm white recycling no but hey I'm alright with it if you are.

I don't give a shit. You say white recycling? Yeah, but I probably haven't said it in a while, like maybe half a year or so. Oh my. But I saw you. I don't give a shit. To me, it's like there's multiple comedians in the world.

I don't care either. You don't care? I don't give a shit if you don't. Hell yeah, dude. You know what I mean? Mine is from being in Ithaca new york where it's like it somebody was like it's impossible to have ithicans be trash and i was like you're right we're white recycling yeah mine's from growing up in chalmette louisiana the staten island of new orleans i say we're not such a when i wrote that

i was like there's somebody has to say this but that's what i'm saying yeah you ever do that and then you find out it's someone else's you you go, oh yeah, fuck me for thinking I had an original thought. Like comedy, like comedians from like the 90s were like, only,

no, but like this is one of those things where it's like, I know you didn't steal it from me. Yeah, yeah.

I didn't steal it from you. We both parallel thinking it's one line. Yeah. I don't give a shit. It's like I have a Jesus joke where I say, not Jesus,

Jesus. And another guy was like, oh, I have a joke like that. I'm like, yeah, it's the same name. Yeah,

we're hacks. I mean, there are comedians sometimes guy was like, oh, I have a joke like that. And I'm like, yeah, it's the same name. Yeah, we're hacks. I mean, they're, I mean, they're comedians sometimes. You're like, you're watching them do, you're like,

oh man, they clearly haven't seen Burr's most recent special. totally. You know what I mean? Totally. They're like, fuck,

they haven't seen it yet. Yeah. But it's like, whatever, it's parallel thought. But like, we're, yeah,

fuck it. I say we both keep doing it. Me too. I love that. There's a wonderful world to discover when you don't judge a book by its cover or a rainbow just by its colors. The world has such magic to offer. You'll find we're all sisters and brothers

for so long I've been hoping and yearning for my own rhino friends on this journey and I found you so now we're laughing and learning Lily the rhinoceros Lily the rhinoceros no it's a song for

Lily the rhinoceros I was reading them but they let me have creative choice in how I sang the song you don't think that's good no it sounds like you're it sounds like you're just it sounds like you're like on a game show and it's like make up a song right now it sounds like you're drunk walking home alone yeah that's the game show right i love my bodega man i love my bodega man

I love my bodega, man. I love my bodega, man. And I eat gummy bears on the way home to my house. I'm going to sleep so good. On a scooter. Here comes a scooter. Wish I had one for myself, too. Yeah, totally.

Oh, there's a car. Don't hit me, car, please. No, I don't have a dollar. Where are my keys? Where are my keys? Which pocket? I do that all a dollar. Where are my keys? Where are my keys? Which pocket? I do that all the time. We all do it. Literally, I was home with my mom in Delaware,

and I go, you know, I've been a lot happier since I just started singing and talking to myself. And she goes, me too. And I went to my room to sleep, and I heard her downstairs going, God, I get to get the fucking, where's that fucking rapid bow? There it is, Gail.

And I'm like, I know where I got it from. You know? Speaking of, I don't have a dollar. There was a pigeon that came up to me. And you know how like, even... And I think he should be the president. Even the animals in New York are like panhandling. Do you feel like that? This pigeon had like

gnarled feet and was like just coming so close to me that it took everything. I mean, I'd be like, I don't have any money, dude. Like, get away. That was a bit of it. I'd give. I mean, I'd be like, I don't have any money to get away. That was a bit. I ran a fucking dollar. It's like that shit. That was one of the first jokes I ever wrote was like, are you trying to fart right now? You were like, no, but you know what?

I ever. I got one of the chamber. I can do it. No, that was one of the first one. It was like it was like, you know, squirrels in other cities are like, and in New York, they're like, hey, watch out. Fuck, oh, I'm eating here. But it is true.

You did fart. Truth in comedy. And truth here with that, I didn't. Just the idea. Just the idea of the fart. No, I think it was the joke is what stunk. I got his fart. I think you're smelling joke is what stunk. I got his fart. I think you're

smelling how fucking bad that was. Yeah, I was saying it's a stinker. It is true though. You see a raccoon in New York and they have like backpacks on or something. You know what I mean? Is that the food? Yo, did you see the video of that little girl getting attacked

by a raccoon and the mom comes out and grabs it? And she whips its ass? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The mom grabbed it? The other day my sister fell off. She was putting the star on the Christmas tree. She's holding the kid. She fell off the ladder.

Somehow delivered the child onto the ground, onto the kid's feet, and did a full tumble roll and got up. And was like, is everybody good? And I was like, that is, you are a Navy SEAL. That's mom strength. It was unbelievable. That's two lesbian moms. That's what that is you are a navy seal that's mom's it was unbelievable and my mom is such an asshole my mom's watching and she's like yeah well she's she could have not fallen or she could have not rolled and i was like mom you're the worst fucking mother ever dude we were on a podcast shout out dad mean best and uh she's a good mom her mom called

and jordan was like hey mom broke up with me again no first the first thing good mom her mom called and Jordan was like hey mom and no first the first thing out of her mom's mouth was are you alive I wanted to see if you're okay I haven't talked to you George's like yeah yeah I broke up again and Jordan's mom's like oh honey and she goes yeah well you know and then there's a pause and we just hear her mom go, fuck! I gotta kill someone! She's a mama bear. Lesbo rage. I feel like, speaking of which, I feel like this color blue should be called

lesbian blue. I agree. Oh my god, totally. Indigo girls blue is what it is. It's kind of turquoise blue. Look at the ring. Does it match? There we are, baby. This is how I was going to get you to touch my thigh. I had a whole plan.

Hey, do you think your hand could fit in my zipper? See if your dick can fit in my whole mouth. Go ahead. How big's your hand? You know,

scientifically, if your cock doesn't fit in my mouth, you'll have cancer. You don't remember that thing? If your dick is bigger than my butthole you're an idiot stupid bitch said fuck me guy that kisses me and then we end up being in a long-term love relationship says what says i love you if you don't swallow cum you're a fucking homo hey gang ian here and i just want to say that our next partner sponsorship ad that y'all need to check out so we can keep getting smoky smokes well just, I have a problem, is Athletic Greens. AG1 by Athletic Greens was the morning

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Manscaped.com slash SKA. Back to the show. Bye-bye. How long are we going to be abstinent? Should we do it with our sugar fast? Yeah. What? Let's try to do it the whole month of December. Now, does abstinence include not talking to people? Because if so, I've got to

change a couple habits. You can talk, but you can't have sex. Yeah, wait. And you can't blow. Why are you going abstinent? Because we have a problem. So, are you going abstinent why are you because we have a problem so are you sex addicts you know i'm a love addict he's a sex addict love addict yeah bad coming this fall on abc what huh romantic it's very romantic and disgusting no no no i'm i'm not saying i'm not commenting romantic i'm just saying romantic as in what you'd call yourself no no no no no. Mentally ill.

Okay, question though. One man to the next man to the next man. So it's just the initial feeling of love. It's not the actual longevity. No, I would like them to stay for longevity, but they leave. No, it's the initial. You about to take a nap, buddy? Well, I've thought about it.

It's the initial high of love. Did you just get emphysema? Oh, it's coming. I need a blanket. It's the initial high of love. Did you just get emphysema? Oh, it's coming. I need a blanket. It's coming. What? That's scary. Yeah.

You know what? She's so fucking dumb. I go, oh, emphysema's coming. She goes, stop. It's scary. And then literally on the last episode, she's like, I'm going to die and I'm ready. I'm going to get hit. I want to die, but I don't like the idea of you having a blanket on because you have cancer.

You have to quit smoking. We have to get you to stop smoking seeing me with the blanket is triggering bam it worked the plan I almost broke it but I have literal PTSD from breaking my dad's cigarettes and having him lose his mind I used to throw his cartons out and he'd get so mad and then I would touch your head are you farting oh yeah but say and then he would I would... Touch your head to mine. Are you farting? Yeah, but say. And then he would... I would also cut out... Every time we talk about our dads, we have to touch heads. Touch heads. And then I would cut out newspaper clippings

about hair transplants and give it to him because he was going bald. Jesus Christ. I used to just talk to my dad about life and he'd give me good advice. Sorry. Ow. Sorry. Ow ow my feelings sorry ow my emotions whoops my dad was there for me and shit you know what am i gonna do my dad was there until he was

dead yeah mine too yeah yeah it wasn't a leave situation. Sorry your fucking dad's died. Sorry. Yeah. It wasn't his choice. Sorry your fucking dad's had to go dying. Yeah, I know. I am mad at my dad for doing the cigarette thing and then dying. So you should stop. Wait, what did your dad do? He had cancer? I don't know.

He died in his sleep. But he smoked two packs a day. My mom used to say that if she, if, if when she gets to heaven, she's going to kick my dad's ass. Yeah. For leaving. Can I be honest about something? When I, when I started doing that riff,

I didn't realize both your dads were dead. I thought they were just... Scumbags that left. Sorry. Sorry. I didn't realize... Didn't realize they were both dead. My bad.

Both dead. My bad. Fist. Each other. My bad. Yeah, well, shit happens. What can you do, huh? Wait.

How'd your dad die? Oh, you want to talk about it? We don't talk about it. I'll take you over here. Yeah, well, shit happens. What can you do, huh? Wait, how'd your dad die? No. We don't talk about it. I'll take you over here. A little bit of an accident, a Rooney. Yeah. It's cool. I mean, it's not cool, but it's not like...

He wasn't a derelict. Yeah, man. No. Dead club, bro. Yeah, welcome. We're out of your fucking... Not knowing what to do with our lives, man. Well...

How do you change oil? I don't know, man. Let me tell you, you got smashed by a train. Wait, fuck, really? Yeah. He didn't jump in front of it. No, no. He was working.

It was an accident. Yeah, I don't want to. It's like, fine, shut up. And my dad died from a heart attack, probably. Oh, man. So we're trying to prevent that from being. I have such a bad headache. Why?

Because of my allergies. When are the allergies going to stop? Wait, what allergies? You got a headache from your allergies? Yes. You might be allergic to my cat. Kill the cat. You can get fucked.

It's not you down here. He doesn't come down here. Sometimes I bring him down. You carry him? Not for a while. Is he under the blanket right now? I think it's that there's no air in here. Okay.

Your dad's alive. My dad's alive. Ours is ours. Do you think they hang out in heaven? I think they would like each other. Wouldn't that be cool? What was your dad's favorite band? Oh, my God.

George Thorogood. George Thorogood and the Delaware Destroyers. They're from Delaware. My dad liked George Thorogood. Wow. George Thurgood. Yeah. George Thurgood and the Delaware Destroyers. They're from Delaware. My dad liked George Thurgood. Wow. And Little Feet. I don't know Little Feet. I don't know Little Feet either.

Bruce Springsteen. Springsteen. Wait, are you from Jersey? No. Upstate New York. Upstate New York. That's right. Ithaca, Philly.

You guys are... Yeah. Delaware, Philly, yeah. Delaware, Philly. I don't even know where Delaware is, to be honest. You're from New Orleans, which makes sense. Mark Norman being from New Orleans does not make any sense. Can I tell you, Sean was the best guy to know at Norman's wedding

because he makes a beeline on how for us to get oysters before everyone else, and he's giving us New Orleans facts. It was the fucking best. That was a wild ass night. I got on the flight the next morning in my suit still. Wow. It was ridiculous. Holy shit.

People are like that guy dresses up for flights like mad men. I'm like no bro. Oh yeah you're one of the last comics who drinks. Holding down the fort for all of us. You should have been at Orman's wedding. One time when I was a brand new comic I I opened for you. Where?

In Bargatze at the East Room in Nashville. And it's okay that you don't remember. No. No, no, it's okay. Were we filming? Was Rory, was Scoville with us as well? No, but I was. And.

It's okay. The East Room. It's okay. It was literally seven years ago and what happened was i hosted and then and then bargazzi went up yeah and you got up and you crushed so hard for like 45 minutes losing your mind i had never seen comedy like it you're dripping sweat you're all over the stage and then you barrel into the green room. And I was like, great set. And you go and you sit down and you go, they hated it. I like changed my life.

That part sounds like me. Yeah. Wait, the East Room is in. I remember that room. I remember all of this now. Holy fucking. You ever see a man lie before? So, so, so the East Room, it's not called that though.

It's called Basement East. That's what, okay. Ah, Tracy dickhead. No. And the guy, the guy who ran that, who like kind of booked that, that thing. Corporate juggernaut. Yeah. What's his name though?

That guy. Cause I. Brandon or Brandon? Brandon. Because I stayed, he gave me his apartment to stay in. And I remember Bargatze was in my, okay, my recollection of that show was actually, Bargatze was just in town because he lived, you know, and I was like, go up before me. And he went up and like murdered it. And then I went up after him and felt like oh my god they're just not

having me they're just not connecting with me but you destroyed and then when i got off state i remember all of this now very clearly really because i i remember every time i probably had a blazer on i used to wear blazers did you wear blazers yeah with band shirts under it it'd be like this shirt with a blazer that was you you. Like a real estate agent. Long hair down to here. You want, that was in. And my voice was higher. It was up like this. I hadn't dropped it yet. My balls hadn't dropped yet. That was in 2015

and I thought. Are you okay? I'm just picturing you in a blazer. 2015 you're right. And I remember I bombed, I thought I bombed so bad that I like went down like a depression drinking spot. I remember that night vividly. Really? I was like, you know, I get really hard on myself when I consider it a bomb.

I like still will like leave me alone and just walk into the night alone. Really? I did that that night. I walked from Eastville back to where Brandon, I walked back to his apartment. That's crazy. Two mile walk. You destroyed. Isn't that nice to know that?

Well, thank you. I'm glad to know From your perspective That's how you feel Oh yeah Thank you But like Wow Nashville I was so stoked

Bargatze and Patton I was starstruck Oh wow Yeah around the same time I was I was listening to her album Like non-stop Oh

The doors are locked From the outside You can't leave Sean The doors are You think you did this We brought you here For a reason. You don't think I locked the doors too?

Lock him up to the milker. Good thing you... What did you say? Hold on. Did you just say lock him up to the milker? Lock him up to the milker. What's that mean? They didn't sleep well last night.

He stands up and just undoes his jacket and has a t-shirt that says, The Milker. Fuck, okay. All right, every podcast needs one. I see what's going on here. Wait, Jordan, did you live in Nashville for a while? Just a year, but it felt like a long time. Yeah.

How'd you end up in Nashville? My dad died. I was going to move to New York. I was in Buffalo. I had started stand-up. I was like, it's time to move to New York. And my friends were like, oh, Betty. You come to Nashville. Because I was like, gonna make

a quick move after dad died. I was like, who cares? We're ignoring everything. We're doing stand-up. And they're like, you come here. Wait, will you do that voice again? Oh, Betty. That was her stage name. Guys, come to the stage. Club Psychologist Blazer Betsy. Oh, guys.

I bet I look like I'm sitting in the blazer. You need to mount yourself over on this side of the country. Whoa, Bessie. I looked like a real estate agent. Wow. How big was the blazer? Was it as big as that booger that's in your nose right now? Is it in there?

Yeah. Get it. I didn't. It's my allergies. I don't yeah okay I watched that and I'm good with it

I'm good with it I'm booger sexual until I identify I'm a yo okay I'm booger sexual speaking of boogers

at the beginning of the pandemic I read that they had good bacteria and so I would eat my boogers and hope that it was keeping me

not sick wow I thought I Bacteria and so I would eat my boogers and hope that it was keeping me not sick And I do it every day God You look like Jeff R. Curie now. My voice is way different. No, I'm having like a legit moment of like revelation. I'm also shocked that that was you.

Because that's not you. At that age, you're like, your body isn in Segregated parts It's just your body to you It's just this fucking thing That carries your head around You know what I mean Same voice No it's not I talked like this back then

No no I know I've dropped it Wow Sean's in a K-hole That was weird That's just weird That's just weird I just

There was like There was like a Nashville I don't know I spent a lot of time In Nashville In like the mid-aughts The mid-aughts

From New York or New Orleans? Yeah, I was doing shows and also just, it was just always, but I feel like I saw you more than once. Yeah, yeah. In Nashville, for sure. Yeah. In Nashville. I'm saying Nashville.

Am I saying Nashville? I think I opened for you a couple times. Nashville. I opened for Bregazzi a couple times. Bregazzi told me to move to New York. Now everybody lives in fucking Nashville. Now everybody lives there. Really?

Theo lives there. Fucking Steve Byrne lives there. Really? Theo lives there. Fucking Steve Byrne lives there. No shit. Dusty Slay? Yeah. My comedy dad. Wow, so do you think you know about his

have you ever met his he has a cousin who's a meteorologist named Cody. No, Gusty Slay. Oh, bam, bam, bam, bam. Kiki, kiki, kiki. Felatio. Whoa, whoa, whoa, bam, bam. Kiki, kiki, kiki. Felatio, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Gusty. That's not true. It's fucked up. I shouldn't even talk about it. I didn't have a media allergic risk because Dusty is a, he's like a, you know. Well, he's also, if you've met him, his brother has like fucking severe looking lockjaw. What? Rusty Slay.

fucking severe looking lockjaw. What? Rusty Slay. You know his older brother is a serial cheater? His name's Lusty Slay. I was going to do Lusty. That's his fucking sister, dude. Jesus, they transitioned. You know, god damn it, bro.

He ever met his mom? He's like, she's a hoarder. She's a, you's a hoarder. She's a, you know, your place stinks. She's musty slay. I mean, when you talk about dads, his dad. Oh, you mean? Spontaneous combusty slay.

It's still a mystery. What about his grandfather? Now that dude is gross. Crusty slay? Oh, yeah, dude. I was going to say his grandfather now that dude is gross Krusty Slaves I was gonna say his grandfather was a Jewish clown named Krusty Slaves from the Simpsons yours was better you know I mean

you know I mean as you were saying Jewish clown you were like slowly morphing into one it was kind of scary you were turning actually into Krusty for a second. It was crazy. It was really crazy. You're like getting smaller and more bald somehow when your forehead got red. Oh, God. That was scary. His grandmother's name's Krusty Slick.

Oh, my God. Wow. I can do that, and I can go, hi, Patrick. I think I can do the women front. What is it? The cigarette smokers? Patty and Selma. Patty and Selma.

What are their voices? Oh, no, I can do March. Where she goes, homie. Holy shit. Whoa. That was really good. Whoa, do it again. Homie.

I think I could do party. Don't eat everything in the kitchen, homie. Give was really good. Whoa, do it again. Homie. I think I could do party. Don't eat everything in the kitchen, homie. Give it a break. That's Bob Tackles. Oh, I can do the bus driver auto. Whoa, man. I can do the fish from SpongeBob. Hi, Patrick.

I'm SpongeBob. I can do Carmella. Tony. I can do Tony. What Tony. I can do Tony. What are you going to do? I can do Peter Griffin, Lois Griffin. Tony. I can do...

I can do Tweety Bird. Tony. Tony. I can do Estelle Getty commenting on which one of her awards she likes the most Tony I don't know who Estelle Getty is

Ian can do an amazing Christopher Walken Mice Mice and men My favorite novel Two mice Two mice Can you do George

No Summer George No Which one's in Lenny Can you do Lenny From Of Mice and Men Or Lenny Marcus

No just Lenny's in general Who is this for Just Any Lenny you choose What if I Lenny's in general. Who is this for? Any Lenny you choose. What if I have a gun? What if I have a gun? You know, I'm doing the black thumbs up emoji.

He's my favorite comedian of all time. Lenny Marcus is a fucking bestie. We got to get him on the pod. It's Lenny Marcus. He said he'd do it. He said he'd do it.

Wouldn't it be fun to have Lenny here? He's so funny. He is. My wife wife every night asked me what do you want for dinner what if i had a gun what do you have how about a gun for dinner he's the best can i be honest yeah about something no i want bullshit right now

in in my head currently, I'm kind of listening, but I'm going through a Rolodex of words that rhyme with Dusty. And I can't stop. I knew there was something going on.

I can't stop. Okay, we have Busty. I wasted it by saying it. I apologize. You already said Combusty. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Do you know his brother rode a bike?

Yeah. Huffy? That doesn't, you cannot. That's Jesus Christ. He's just like, wow, bro. That's a forced rhyme. You just took a dog outside for a walk, walked it around the block, opened up a trash can, put the dog in it. You said goodnight.

You came back in here. Wheeled the trash can. Speaking of long walks around the block. That was a real long one to get to that punchline. You threw the dog away. You walked the dog. You put the collar on. You got the leash on.

You forgot the poop bag, so you had to go back into the house. You came back in the house. You said, oh, jingle, jingle. That's my keys. And then we were sitting here waiting for you. And then what came out? Huffy. What Huffy?

Huffy Sleigh. Who's that? Dan St. Germain. Dan Zig, once again. What, is he upstairs waiting to come to us? Yeah, yeah. Hey, man, I want to come down there. Hey, man.

Every time I see Dan St. Drain, I think it's Dan Lamour. Can I wear leather on stage in August just to take it off on stage? Can I do that? Is that weird, man? Oh, my God. Does he do that? He did that. He used to do that back in the day.

He'd wear, like, fucking... And it was a nice leather jacket, but he'd wear it on stage to take it off. And then sweat. Yeah. I mean, I can't. Me, I can't. Me can't go there. Me can't go there.

Me sweat now. Me. Me sweat now. Me am wearing leather full body under my shirt. Me sweat so much become foreign. From sweat,

sweat and onias. I am of the sweatonia people. I sweat. Me no drippy drip on the muffler. Do you ever sweat so much you turn into a Soviet Union man? I sweat in Soviet Union. I sweat in Russia.

In Soviet Union, sweat sweats you. I sweat in a little snow. Dusty, Dusty has a, he has a dog and he always comes back. His name is Trusty. The very good one. You sweat so much, I dear come to you. I just had a miscarriage.

The baby sweat out of the ovary. The baby sweat out of the ovary. Is that because you sacrificed your child to the gods of comedy? I did. I had to. It was worth every minute of it. I had to do it. I think I did have a miscarriage last month, though. Seriously.

Can you do that? I was like a week and a half late for my period. People are doing them left and right now. The new thing, man. Yeah. A few years back, people are eating placebo now. This shit. Eating placebo.

Hey, hey. Remember that? You mean eating the placenta. What did I say? Yep. Fuck that up. Sometimes when you don't sweat it up you fuck things up.

Two years ago people gobbled up placebo. Next thing you know I fucked it up. Man, I'm dusty. I'm dusty sleigh's dumb ass cousin.

Cousin dusty sleigh. Cause I'm just dusty sleigh, man. I'm dumb as shit. I don't even know how to put the hat on. Did you know Dusty is a sassy teenage brother? Oh, here we go.

Named Dusty Slay King. Damn it. You just got pregnant. Damn it. You just got pregnant. You just got pregnant. She had a miscarriage. Now you're having the baby. Even if you had said,

you could have said Dusty Slay. Now you have to have the child. You have to go through labor. Oh my God. All right. I'm going to go to Planned Parenthood and get in a busty. I can't stop. Honestly, I can't stop going crusty, dusty, musty, lusty, pusty.

I just love the idea of you. Why did you say a busty? Abortion? I don't know, man. I'm having a hard time right now. abortion? I don't know, man. I'm having a hard time right now. You're just walking around Brooklyn now at night by yourself.

Fosty. He's got an argumentative uncle named Fosty because he fusses a lot. Just a complete stranger. They're like, sure, man. Sure, man. I think I got pregnant by Dusty's brother

busting me. God damn it. It's true pain. It's real pain that you just went through. Anyway, look up DustySlay.com. Go see all his live dates. Dusty's the best. He's really helped me so much in comedy.

Jesus Christ. What is this? It's sparkling water. It's burp juice. Oh, man. It's got me burped. It's got me burped. That's like exactly whenever I queef with a dude.

Because I don't want to admit that I queefed. I was like this, ow, like they heard me. Just like so they're like, oh, sorry, I don't know what that was, but it's true. My, ow. And they're like going down on you, and you're like, ow, stop slamming my head against the board. That's the easiest thing you've spelled. What is this?

I tell him, I go, I go, speak to me, baby. Sing to me. Sing to me, mama. Oh, say can you. If somebody said that after I cleaned out, I'm fine.

Oh, say can you... Sing it, girl. Come on, girl, sing it. Oh, my God. Yeah, if someone did that, I'd kind of be like, whoa, I don't know if I could trust you. You might be a little susty.

Suspect? You've got to see this. We need to do something. Susty. What is he doing? I'm making creep sounds for every one of these jokes. What, are you fucking an aunt? Why is he fucking creeping like that?

Yeah, oh yeah, your aunt, Aunt Jenny. Why is he fucking queefing like that? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Your aunt. Aunt Jenny. You have fucked women who are the most delicate queefers. My queefs are not like that. Oh, I bet yours sounds like a fucking marching band. They have vowels in it.

You know what I mean? Right, Irish? It creeps out like if you try to steal a cub from a mama bear. Mom's farts. I like that. My mom and Michael Rowland. And I was always like, your guys' farts sound the same. Because both Mike and my mom's fart like this.

Mike looks like he farts like that. It's insane. And then they stayed in a house. They stayed in my mom's house together and I would hear them in the room fart like that and then I would hear, listen, and I would hear no noise, but I could hear both of them going like this with laughter because they had heard each other's farts.

They were communicating in farts. Searching for the perfect fart reminds me of Dusty Slay's brother, Questy Slay. You're going on a quest. Okay. You know, actually, you should meet Dusty Slay. If you come up with one that I haven't thought of, I will kill myself.

I will literally kill myself. If you come up with something I have not thought of, after this pain train I've been on, I will fucking end it all on the Patreon. Have you met Dusty's Shakespearean villain in a questionative moment cousin must thee slay okay okay what about this did you know that

Dusty's sister is actually another comic in New York Justy Dodge alright cool I'm not the only one with brain parasites. What do you mean? Justy is a real girl.

You know Justy? Yeah, but Justy. You didn't think of that one? Okay, what about? I mean, I mean, I mean. All right, all right. This is, sometimes I do this thing called repeaters where I hear a phrase or like a noise

and I can't help but like repeat it over and over and over. I have exploding head syndrome. When I'm falling asleep, I hear a loud noise. Well, no, this gets in the way of my relationships because I'll walk around the apartment going like, do, do, da, da, do, do, da, da. And right now I'm having one with the dusty thing. You're just not dating the right type of person

Get you a little baby What? Date you a little baby You walk around going do do ta ta They like back at you We're gonna cut that from the pod No we're leaving that on We're leaving it on

Get yourself a little baby Super tight little pussy and no ear holes I didn't say it Get yourself a girl baby. Super tight little pussy and no ear holes. I didn't say that. Get yourself a girl who doesn't know English. Tie her up. Put her in a little cage. Shave her pussy hairs off and call her mommy.

There you go. I don't know why you're not fucking putting this on the front page of the news. Call me crazy. Get yourself a dog. Put a little lipstick on it. Fuck it in its face. This is Krusty Slay. He's a dirt man you don't even need a zoom and get it poppy if it makes you horny you can get a little lusty

you could it a dog we already said that one i know all right i need to move on i'm going to say a magical spell and that means that you'll never say this again ready we don't want to have to put you in an institution again that's the spell that's the reminder dude you know what's crazy we were talking about this girl the seller last night the girl with the long dreads who's crazy you You know what I'm talking about? Who was sitting at the table with you when I left? Yes. Is she crazy? Is she crazy? Listen to me.

First of all, she's a punisher. I'm sitting. Stop. She shows up and just shoots everyone? I tricked myself. In the name of her dead family? No. A punisher is when she sits down with you and then.

Punishes you while they talk. I'm sitting with Ronan and his girlfriend and we're having a nice dinner in the booth away. And then she just stands over us until Ronan is finally like alright have a seat anyway I was talking about her in the car and I was like and I was like it's really frustrating that she just sits down at the comics table and then proceeds

to like naysay everything that somebody says and then we were talking about how she kind of looks like she's going to put a hex on us and Eagle turns to me and goes we can't do anything about her you're going to have to kick her ass and then that car hit us. Y'all got hit by a car last night? Yeah, in the Uber. Oh shit. Yeah, isn't that crazy?

That's what happens when you fucking live in Astoria. I knew she was I've seen her around. I don't I thought y'all were like besties. Hold on. Secret blanket. I never thought. Who was it?

What if I just leave? Like I've never even been here. Wait, what? If I just left while y'all were in the blanket? He just showed me his penis. He said, is this okay? Yeah. Does she look like this? It's got dreadlocks.

The amount of... I dreaded my dick once, all right? I went to Jamaica. It was great. You know? Oh, fuck. I think we're... This is good.

Yeah. Oh, shit. Fucking wrap it. Shawnee. What time do you have to go? I should probably leave here like six minutes. Shawnee, butt plug your stuff. Plug in your butt stuff. Put your butt plug in your stuff. Plug in your butt stuff.

Put your butt plug in your butt. Show us your butt. Put your plug in the butt. I was in Zany's this weekend. There was the Midwest Furry Fest. Where they walk around with the butt plug tails. But it's not a sexual

thing. It's because they want to feel the actual sensation of having a tail. Allegedly. Is it in their assholes? Yeah, yeah. Not sexually. Is it in their buttholes? Apparently so. Oh, my God.

What? Yeah. I was told this. Did you see him? The thing is, you see people walking around with tails, and the way they're walking, you're like, eh, eh, eh. It goes into their pants. That indicates that it's in the butt.

No, it's just like that. It's that. It's that. Yeah. Oh, yeah, because you're afraid it'll fall out. That's happened to a like that it's that it's that yeah oh yeah because you're afraid it'll fall out that's happened to somebody don't get it don't get it you want to dress like a you want to dress like a sugar glider get out there yeah why do they want to dress like sugar because they're mentally ill no but why do they like it they like that oh i know those guys because fuck thumbs you

know i'm saying who needs them Get them out of here. Special. It's called Number One. It's on Peacock right now. I love it. Please watch it. It's so good. And my dates are at me, SeanPatton.com. I tour constantly

and follow me on the socials at MrSeanPatton.com. Unbelievable stand-up comedy. The fucking best. The other day he did a Jamaican robot and I had to follow him and I was crying on stage. I was on stage literally going, I'm really

sorry, wiping tears off my face. Oh, thank you. Because he was doing an iRobot with Jamaican accent. And he did a homeless man a couple weeks ago that was the best homeless impression I've ever seen. Wow. It was just him, but you know what I mean. Boom! No, but the crazy homeless guy.

No, it's too It's a commitment It was It's amazing Dude you're the fucking best So much fun Thank you Thank you for having me

Yes And thank you for tuning in Mr. Sean Patton I animal 69 Jordan Jensen LOL stop Patreon.com Slash Beanie and Pod

We love you Thank you Wee wee.