Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein Ian w/ Jordan Episode 027: Wired & Tired W/ Nathan Macintosh

Episode Date: February 1, 2023

Nathan Macintosh joins the crew to discuss weddings, Ian shows his naivete, and adopting unwanted pets! As always , Thanks for listening! Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content! https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod Nathan Macintosh: Money Never Wakes | FULL SPECIAL HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQd7k... Get 90% off RexMD with our exclusive link https://rexmd.com/SKA #rexmdpod Visit http://athleticgreens.com/SKA for a Free 1-year supply of Vitamin D Follow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjense... See Jordan Live! : https://www.jordanjensencomedy.com/up... Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! : http://www.ianfidance.com/calendar Follow Nathan Macintosh on Instagram : https://www.instagram.com/nathanmacin... Nathan Macintosh: Money Never Wakes | FULL SPECIAL HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQd7k... Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced by : Jordan Hayman Produced/Edited by: Ethan Dupree https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/

Hey everybody, it's your old pal Ian here coming to you live from the Ponce de Leon hotel that is a hooker hangout that the venue got me. Thanks. I'm fortunate. I get to go and do this and to stand up and people put me up. So what? It's not a five star. I don't need a five star. I'm just a little Delaware dirty dick doozy. I'm living my best life. I would like a bathroom next time that has a sink in it and not just one outside the room. But what can you do? Oh, God. Life could be worse.

Anyway, you got to come see me on the road where they're getting me better hotels at Stress Factory, New Brunswick, February 2nd, 3rd, and 4th. That's right. February 2nd and 4th, I'm at New Brunswick, Stress Factory, New Jersey. Come on out, February 10th and 11th, Long Island, Governors, let's go. And February 15th, 16th, Hyenas, Fort Worth, Dallas. February 17th to 18th, Fort Worth, Dallas, February 17th to 18th, McAllister, Oklahoma, and I'm closing it out, February 19th. This is the most important one.

Hollywood Improv, Los Angeles, California, IanFidance.com. You gotta come out. You gotta get tickets. I gotta sell really well at the Hollywood Improv, so I look like a big, ooh, Hollywood guy. Hollywood Finance. In 2017, there was an empty star in the Walk of Fame, and I wrote my name on it with a microphone that I drew

because I was manifesting and setting my intention. Okay? Come on out. I'll see you there. Oh, I have a smoke and we'll hear a joke, brother. Enjoy the show. Your joke, brother. Enjoy the show. Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night

It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Being Ian Life is shit but you're positive

Let's find out what it's like to live Alive Being Ian Being Ian With Jordan Be an Ian with Jordan. This is now on? Yes. Welcome to another episode of Be an Ian with Jordan.

Today's esteemed guest is... There's a box on the corner and jordan okay where is my straw oh whoops i left it upstairs there's your straw what about that straw well okay you want this straw fine there gotta make jordan happy now hold on um Thank you for coming, Nathan. I know it's been a lot already. Oh yeah, my name is Nathan McIntosh. Thank you for having me on the podcast. Can I intro myself? Do it. Hi, my name is Nathan McIntosh and I'm the

guest this week on Being Ian with Jordan. I'm putting out a thing that comes out January 18th. It's called Money Never Wakes. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow.

It's all right. It's going to be on my YouTube. Check it out. Jokes about billionaires. Elon Musk. Rich restaurants. What's your YouTube? My YouTube is YouTube.com slash Nathan McIntosh.

M-A-C-I-N-T-O-S-H. So you know, Instagram and Twitter. How are you guys? Like the computer. What are you putting out? Like the computer and blank check. McIntosh. M-A-C-I-N-T-O-S-H. Say it on Instagram and Twitter. How are you guys? Like the computer and blank check. Macintosh. Preston Waters. Yes. What a great movie that was. Are you putting out a special? Yeah. Yes. Yes. I was already talking about this.

I didn't want to call it that because of the universe I had to. So yes. I didn't mean to yell at you. I'm yelling in general. You're very general. We're going to get in a fight. I didn't mean to yell at you. I'm yelling in general. I know this is going to be a yelling thing, but I'm not yelling at you. We're going to get in a fight. I don't want to fight you. I don't want to fight you. I had a quad shot of Americano.

We're going to fight. I'm drinking a coffee right now. We're not. Jordan came in. Guns are blazing. Why don't I have a gun? Because you are the way you are. I'm not a bat out of hell I just

I got back from Mexico It was a long trip I did a lot of What Molly Nuh uh I did I did it Molly I feel like we're slowly watching you descend into small relapses.

Once every five years, I do Molly. And you know what? It really brought me together with some people. Okay, good. I made some enemies, sure. Sure, I made some enemies. One of which is the bride. At a wedding.

I did the roast. The roast went great. Thank you so much for helping me with that. Did you do any of my jokes? Yes. Yeah! I did the jokes. Was this a comedian's wedding?

No. Bro. It was a normie. Can I tell him? Why did they have a roast at a non-comedian's wedding? Just out of pure curiosity. Oh, oh. Good question.

My one roast thing I wanted to say is the biggest roast I could say against you guys here are the type of people who would ask for a roast at a wedding. Yeah. You know what I mean? No, I've never heard of that. All of the bridesmaids became indentured servants. We were, every two seconds you'd hear, Jordan! Bobby pins.

I need Bobby pins now. I need lipstick. Reapply it. Pull my boobs together. Strap me up. Okay? It was insane. There was, ready for this?

Ready for the ultimate sin? These are all skinny people. Drinking. Doing cocaine. Nobody needs food. Guess who needs food? Baby girl. Guess what happens when I don't have food? get angry guess what i get angry at everybody european

couple furious okay anyway who was the european couple this stupid bitch who while i was giving the roast was going which by the way i toned it down extremely so so then i did this thing where every time i she was in the vicinity like my friend is Jewish, right? And as the European walk by, you fucking Jew, you fucking Jew bitch, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just to piss off the, my friend was Jewish. So I'd be like, just, just go with it.

Right. So as the girl who thought I was the devil for giving the roast, cause I don't think she understands what the roast was. She thought I was just this horrible person. So then I would play into it. And anytime she was around, you know, I'd like pretend to kick a dog. How dog how did you how did you how did you get invited to this who is this uh bride how do you know this person grew up in ithaca with me well may i interject yes ian not only that is that how we interject here by the way i'll raise my hand if i need to kind of we try not

talk over we're trying not to talk over each other We're going to get headphones and we were going to, but there was an issue with like delivery or like pickup or whatever. But I think headphones would stop the. Wow. I've been saying that forever. And you've been saying, I don't want headphones. I don't ruin the flow,

the Feng Shui, the rhythm, the tempo, the vibe. No. Yeah. Oh, we agreed.

Back me up boys. Who's been against the headphones? Raise your hand. hand if if it's you we were all against it you bitch oh but now we're for it can i can i interject real quick yes i like no headphones you know what i mean it's like good oh sorry somebody said their monkey hung themselves who's somebody somebody at the wedding i can i tell you this on a side note real quick and then i want to get into what jordan was not jordan ian was gonna say it's being english right i hate this wedding and i don't know

anything about it other than this i hate it tulum what are we doing you're making us pay 600 to stay at a villa yeah played flip cup played Flip Cup all night. Not even Flip Cup. Rage Cage, which is where they slam on the thing. I came out and said, shut the fuck up. And they got so mad at me. I was the old person. You looked good, though. I saw pictures. You looked great. Did you see the one where... Oh, no, you didn't see. I had my nipples out. No, no, no. Okay. Did you...

You grew up... How did you grow up? You're best friends with this lady? Okay. Do you like... Do you like her no you know people is no i can see in your eyes i don't think you like people but do you like this lady okay you know how you have that friend who like when you're having an existential crisis you're like i just feel like what's the point of anything to and then you have that one basic friend who's like we're gonna pop a xanax and go get her nails done and you're actually, that does cure all my problems.

You know what I mean? She's that girl. I'm going to say no, but yes. Okay. She is the husband's name. Alex. Andy. Oh, never mind.

Go ahead. And why I didn't like the wedding. Everybody had a boyfriend at the wedding. But guess what? Jokes on everybody else. Everybody's boyfriend got shit face drunk. So crossfaded. They were so fucked up. Embarrassing their girlfriends to a degree that was insane.

Me, single person, just got to bounce around, stir the turd and run away. You know what I mean? Embarrassing yourself. No, no. I was having a great time. I was the single you know, I kept disappearing. Nobody knew where I was. Nobody was looking for me because I didn't have a date. Unbelievable. You know what's funny? I went to a wedding in Mexico

and it was so nice everybody was not like you and it was incredible and everyone there was from like new york city jersey long island but because you were all from like ithaca farm trash it's this crazy thing no here's what it is michaela went to ihs which is the normie school of ithaca we all went to acs which is the it's a public school but it's a hippie school so she bridges the gap between these influences influencers that were there teffy i don't know if you know her teffy was there i know teffy do you know flora i know teffy and flora yeah they were there i went to both of their weddings shut Flora got married to a guy named Brad.

No. In San Diego. I was best man. And Teffy works at a mine-a-key. A mine, a mine, coal mine. Well, see? Yeah. Our correspondence has fallen apart over the years.

I thought when she wrote, we were pen pals. I thought when she wrote, she's in a coal mine, so it's in the dark. But she wrote mine- pen pals i thought when she wrote my i thought i she's in a coal mine so it's in the dark but she wrote mynike you're making this up and you're nailing how can i make this up i'm working she's working at a minor why would i bring up teffy if he didn't know her in fucking how do you know teffy rochester rochester because i i used to look man look i'm from nova scotia originally but every once in a while i'd steal a car and I'm driving upstate New York. Yeah, he's got around. Wait a minute.

What? So you know the same people that were at this wedding. Yes. I thought you were doing a bit and you were narrowing it. I was supposed to go to the wedding. Nathan was supposed to go to the wedding. I wasn't, but I couldn't go because unlike Jordan, Jordan did Molly at the wedding. I did Molly the day before.

So I missed. People were pissed by the way. Yeah, I missed my flight. A lot of people missed their flight. What? I missed my flight. So why are you going whose wedding is this when you know Teffy? Because I know Teffy, but I don't know this fucking lady. I was going to the wedding for fun. I didn't know who this person was, but Teffy

invited her. Do you guys have a history of knowing the same people? Oh my God. What? Why do you think we have the of knowing the same people? Oh, my God. Why do you think we have the rapport that we do? We used to watch. I just thought you were a seller. I was chopping it up. Survivor.

We used to watch Jim the Hammer Shapiro commercials. Oh, right. Growing up together. Over and over and over. Over and over and over again. This is the equivalent of me and Sherry. Me and Sherry had a previous life, and now you and Nathan have a previous life. You know what's really weird is we used to call him Sherry. yeah it's so weird yeah why we call because you're addicted to sherry

yeah and i used to go down on guys uh behind the um what's that restaurant sherry sherry's that's exactly it guys dick behind sherry's no because it made sense dude you go into sherry's sherry's was a buffet and first of all can I tell you about Sherry's? Wait, wait, wait. Sherry's was a steakhouse slash buffet. You picked which side you wanted to go on. They had a big fountain in the middle, right? And it looked like a dick shooting water. You remember that? Yeah. So people would go

in and they'd be like, I'm hungry for dick, but I don't know why. And then they'd go to the buffet and then if you wanted, there's usually a guy around back. You could go. He was like the bus boy, but he also was the bus boy. He used to suck dick behind Sherry's. No, only Sherry's. You.

Why am I finding him? Sherry? Yeah. So much out about how long I've known you for over a decade. How long did I suck the dick? Yeah. Five, six minutes. It depends on how you're feeling that day and what you're really putting into it.

Then why am I finding all these things out right now? It depends on what you're doing with the dick. This is the basement of secrets. How long you suck a dick is completely, that's your performance. Would you make him cum? You've never heard me cum, Gary. Because I have a hard time making guys cum. You can't, you haven't sucked a dick unless he does cum.

All you did was put somebody's body part in your mouth if they didn't cum. Sucking a dick is sucking it all the way to the tulum of it. Well, my mouth is like a garage because they just park in here and then nothing happens. You know what that is? You're doing something horrifically wrong. But every time I make trans women cum. There's a difference i don't know what that is you suck on dicks what is that what you know let's break this down what

is that i don't know well let me ask you a question is because are you grabbing oh man are we grab first and we'll get back to this wedding okay the um are you grab are you while you're sucking the dick are you grabbing tits as well? No. Interesting. So now let me tell you something. I'm out of options. I was going to say that that was also, you're doing two things at once. Yeah. But now I have no.

How many hands are you using? One. No. You got to be using two. You suck dick with your hands? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? I suck dick with my hands yeah yeah yeah what i suck dick with my ass i sucked his dick once

oh yeah i sucked on his dick what i don't know teffy i've never blown a guy behind a place called sherry's I'm in a place called Sherry's, Ian. Ian. Fuck, man. Severe brain damage. I mean, this is really wild. Jesus Christ. This is a bit? It's a bit. I thought. How long are we going to sit here and listen to this fucking.

I was like, I'm going to jump in and have a good time here. I've never blown any, man, let alone a guy behind a bar called Sherry's. I thought that what we were saying was the truth. My world was rocked, and then I felt finally like I wasn't alone. You're completely alone. If I was going to suck a man's dick, it would be behind a restaurant. That part is true. So I wasn't lying about that. That's so funny

because I've sucked dick in the village outside of the Cherry Lane Theater and I've never felt more open to being killed. On Minetta Lane? Yeah. In that little lane? Whoa. That's fucking kind of like... Liz turns the corner? Oh god.

Jesus. Why am I worrying one day? Ian, you're on in five. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Jesus Christ. I just flew in and, boy, is my mouth tired. I hate that if I saw you sucking a dick behind a restaurant, it sucks that my first reaction wouldn't be like,

hey, get that dick out of your mouth. It'd be like, hey, can you, let's hang out. You know what I mean? Like I would go up and I'd be like, what kind of ball does he have? What does he say? How does he feel? I gave this guy a handjob.

I had a winter coat on and it was like a night and I put his cock in my sleeve and I was like going like that. And no one would know. But a lot of guys were walking by and they were like, no, no one would know yeah no one would know what did you think people thought what did you think people thought just maintenance he just given his his buddy an old punch to the gut 900 times but we were doing it and these guys were walking by like look at those f faggots. And I was like, I'm going to get murdered.

Did they do that? Yeah. Oh, yeah. In New York. I'm in Adelaide. It was me. It was me. Is this for me?

Oh, thank you. Now's a good time. Shout out Flat Spot Records, a hardcore label that sent us a bunch of shit. How cool is this? This hat matches my jacket that you got me. And dude, they sent us all these cool shirts. Flat Spot Records is the best, dude. They got End It, Regulate.

Speaking of which, Section Hate. Regulate, this album is fucking awesome, dude. I swear to God, In The Moment sounds like New Turn style. It's great. Look at this stuff. And a tote bag. American Apparel, too. too look at that this one's yours that's a medium yeah and i got them smalls for you thank you we'll put them on right now

well i have one in the laundry though my shirt i like i did yeah how cool is this it's really cool this is one of my favorite new bands wow thanks, guys. Why'd they send it to us? Because they like us. That's so nice. And I said I'd send them merch. I don't mean to do this again, but this one is serious. Me and Jordan used to work at Flat Stop Records. Shut up!

No, Ian, the last time was a joke. This is for serious. Okay, you don't get to make a retard voice at him. You just believed so many insane lies, one on top of the other. As we alley-ooped off each other, I said Sherry because he was drinking wine, and then we said Sherry the restaurant, and you were like, oh, no problem there. No problem there that we just skipped from a drink to a restaurant.

A dick fountain? What's wrong with you? I also apologize. It's flat spot. Don't believe anything that people say. This hat is great. Who got this? Me.

And that matches the jacket you got me. Dude, you've been wearing the jacket I got you. And I really nailed it. You really did. I really did. I haven't seen you wear the shirt I got you. Are you fucking serious, dude? Are you fucking serious, dude? Good, good, good good good oh zulu's a great band anyway all right let's talk

about i'm just looking i don't want to cut i don't want to talk over anybody i'm letting people you know what i mean oh here's my thing here's my thing goodbye jordan what are you doing jordan enjoy all right enjoy your day well what were you gonna say here's my thing that i've been worried about is um i got a new tattoo and there's this thing called tegaderm and i put it on the one tattoo i got five days healed amazing but i went to the tattoo shop. They applied the Tegaderm. I was like, I got,

whoa, Jordan, I got the Tegaderm and I put it on myself. And then it started to like not feel the way the other one felt. And then it was like a bubbling with like liquid. And I was like, I got to get rid of it. So I ripped it off.

And now the tattoo is like warm and red from irritation. And I'm worried I ruined it. And it's my favorite tattoo. I'll show you. You hated it. I didn't hate it. Yeah, you did. No, it looked like.

What'd you get? I show you and you go, oh, buddy. What's your name? I didn't do that at all. I did say, oh, but well, Ian, I'm not trying to be rude. Most of your tattoos look like the ones you'd put on Trevor in Grand Theft Auto V. Like they just look like. In my look like you just picked them randomly. You know what I mean?

Like they don't look like they mean anything to anybody, let alone yourself. They don't, asshole. So why? That was my reaction. Why are we doing it? Because it's American traditional. You pick them off the wall and it's a style tattoo.

You fuck. Not everything has to mean something. Okay. And they're snapshots into my life. So what's this one it's a mean something okay and there's snapshots into my life so they mean something in terms of when I got it so they do mean something you fucking prick they mean something but it's not like it's a star and the

star represents ow what says prisoner of love how fucking hard is this? Shut up, Jordy. And what does it mean? What does it mean?

So this one's a period of your life. What does this mean? Because that's hot. You look great. Because I'm a prisoner of love. Keep going. I want to. I want to.

What's the explanation? Now, do you think that this is ruined? Okay, where? See how red it is? But that's from the Tegaderm. Akira Latanzio, R&D tattoo. That's where we're going to get our tattoos, at R&D. My tattoo artist was at the wedding.

But you think it's okay? He said he would come on the pod and do it. All right, you think this is okay? Okay. I'm asking, what does prisoner of love mean to you? He's a codependent and if you

have a dick, he'll think he loves you. You're a prisoner of what, Ian? Ian, don't let Jordan speak for you now. I love love. What does that mean? It means he can be a 21-year-old open-miker and he'll convince himself that he loves you. That's

not true. Yes, if you spend enough time next to him. She's 24. So, I'm going to get a Bugs Bunny with a gun and he's going to be like that and it's going to say, shake my head. It is what it is. Then you're going to drive your truck. Please, can we stop him? He has to be stopped.

Listen to me. Can you face me? drive your truck. Please, can we stop him? He has to be stopped. Listen to me. Can you face me? He's gotten realistically 12 tattoos in the last six months. It's actually out of control. Jordan, let me tell you something. Can I see the prisoner of love? Well, my ex left me and it was retail therapy. Okay, can I see it?

What do you think is ruined? Your flesh? Because the tattoo looks great and your flesh will certainly heal. It's like red. That's your skin. But that's just irritation yeah it's gonna be fine right yes just don't apply your lotion let it heal i didn't sleep a lot last night so i'm really like wired and tired what that's the name of the episode can i have this oh a guy made this for me in denver can i have it sure no it No, it's okay. I'm really sorry.

Welcome to the podcast. I had a brother with ADHD. I learned how to tooth and throat sing really well in Mexico because I lost my voice because of all the molly. Ready? Ready? Alright, so anyway, you suck dick behind a diner.

Shirley's. Sometimes I wish I was somebody else. Sherry's, sorry. What? Why is that? Why do you wish you were somebody else? Well. So do we.

That one's really cool. Stay on one fucking topic for half, here's the thing. Not even, I seriously don't give a fuck. Half a second. Okay. One fucking sentence that gets said. just fucking continue on that path for 30 seconds. It's not as hard as you think. It's not as hard as you think.

You're right. You don't need Adderall or Ritalin or anything. You just make a sentence and fucking go with it for a second. Sometimes it helps if I hold on to a little guy. And sometimes it helps if I eat my bag of almonds, pussy. Yeah, reusable bag. I have a bag of almonds.

I apologize. I apologize I didn't bring a fucking cart of cigarettes. Or a taser. What was your sentence? Which one? Exactly. Jesus Christ. I mean, tell us what to do again it's really fucked up what is our brains listen yeah listen my brother as a kid right he uh i

probably have you're right no no you're right you You're 100% right. Continue. Go on. Oh, I'm sorry. Do you have ADHD? Do you know how hard it is, I realize, to date me? This is why we can't date people. Okay, we're going to stay on one topic. No, we don't have to. If a sentence can't be said, can we just say the sentence? Because you're literally like, so, anyways. Oh, my God. You ever see the girl in the corner, and she's got glasses on,

and she's reading a book? Losing her religion. That's the song. That guy's voice is rough so you know you know i met him at a sushi place and he hit on me michael stipe oh man you know jordan dated him while on molly shut up so no this is a true tale i'm not a liar like you two that's not a true tale you met him where at a fucking this is a true tale at a what momo momo sushi in bushwick i was in line for the bathroom michael stipe was there and he goes i go oh is it this the line for the bathroom he goes yeah it's a one-person bathroom i go oh and he goes well if you want to go in there together we can there you go because he's a gay man yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah. I go, no, this actually happens.

No, I'm okay. Yeah. Then outside, I go, hey, man, sorry to bother you, but can I get a picture? And he goes, no, you had your chance back there. And I was like, can I go back here a second, Jordan? I apologize that I yelled earlier. No, I like being yelled at. I wasn't trying to.

And now I get it, and I'm not against it. He thought I was like a sick person last time. I thought we had an amazing podcast and afterwards he was like, I'm really worried about your mental health. And then also at the wedding, people also said the same thing. It made me quite worried. Well, if it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, it's a fucking duck. It's a quack. That's what it is.

You know what I'm saying? I don't know what you're saying. Here's the thing. Do you want a shirt? Yeah, man. I used to work there. i just don't really like that you're acting like you're not the same no i am we are the same okay i love you i love you i'm not against you guys by the way i mean i'm happy to be here how do people listen to this

people enjoy it uh i assume there were well people like chaos. And I feel also people. It's probably. Well, I don't know. People like chaos. I was the person I'm dating. And I was getting so excited to be able to lose my mind that I was bouncing around the car. And I'm pretty sure I'm never going to see that man again. The man in the Uber.

The. You hooked up with a guy. No, no, no, no. the person I'm dating drove me here. I thought you just said you weren't dating. I was getting so excited. For what? I'm having a good time. To be able to lose my mind.

Are we having a good time? We're having a great time. I thought you said a second ago you weren't dating. Who said that? You did. Or maybe you just said it's hard to date you. Yeah. Why?

Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Because I'm squirrel-brained all the time. It's crazy. I can't say I'm on track. It gives people panic attacks. Little do they know I'm having a panic attack 100% of the time. Well, before you went to Mexico and I went to Denver, we recorded podcasts at 2 in the morning.

We're doing prank calls now on the Patreon. Oh, oh, oh. I used to, me and my friend used to, I'll be, I can be calm. Okay. Me and my friend. Hi, can be calm me and my friend hi calm I'm Ian me and my friend when we were in high school we would call places and tell them that we couldn't show up to our shifts

oh hell yeah it was so fun that's genius call Wendy's and they'd be like hey it's Carol and I'd be like I'm so sorry Carol I'm just not going to be able to make it in today and she'd be like who is and they'd be like, hey, it's Carol. And I'd be like, I'm so sorry, Carol. I'm just not going to be able to make it in today. And she'd be like, who is this? I'm like, it's Nathan. I'm supposed to be there at four.

I just can't make it. And she's like, what? What? You'd hear them put the phone down and go, does anybody know who Nathan is? Is there a Nathan here? They're already mad at you. They're pissed. But you can hear beeping in the back.

And they're like, just, it's fine. Whatever. She'd be like, all right, I'll tell the manager. Dude. That's great. Let's call Domino's and be like and be like hello it is efren i can't come in today this is a much different uh prank this is now like how about this prank can i run a prank by you so i hated that european cunt right because she was my whole roast so this is what i thought about doing going up to her on the dance floor when her boyfriend was away and going hey

i didn't know you and and Andre were in an open relationship. And then she'd go, we're not. And I'd go, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. And then I would disappear into the night. That's great. That's great. We should do a thing where we do spin the phone, and whoever it lands on,

that person is to call a contact from our choosing in their phone and say what we tell them. That's not horrible. Is this Patreon? No, it's regular. Because I got secrets. For Patreon? Yeah. Can you stick around for Patreon?

Well, yeah, I'm having a normal time. I'm normal time. I'm having a good time. Are you having a medium time? No, I'm having a normal time. I'm normal time. I'm having a good time. Are you having a medium time? No, I'm having a great time. Was there any sense there? You just kind of looked at me and said some things. I don't think I can do Molly because here's the thing.

Everybody else was doing the Molly and they would start to come down off it and they'd be like, I'm still feeling good. I would become a crackhead and be like, we have to find the nearest amphetamine as soon as humanly possible. I got close to crushing up and storing my Adderall. I don't think I can do uppers because they feel so good because I'm constantly in a state of depression. I don't think Molly can be included

in my repertoire of drugs I can do. I think it's out. Bro, you gotta not do drugs at all. Well, I think mushrooms are important sometimes. I'm not in the mode of it now. I'm not in the mode of it now. That is so lame. I've only taken a I've only had Percocet. I've never done... Percocet's a fiesta. I've only taken a, I've only had Percocet. I've never done, um. Yes.

Percocet's a fiesta. I had to take it, but like it's a fiesta. One time I hit myself in the elbow with a hammer just so I could get Percocet. Oh my god. Oh my god. What, you weren't alive in 2007? No, I just, I. Were you listening to Lil White? Who's Lil White?

They know who it is. Who's Lil White? We're moving on, Ian. This, this,'re moving on Ian this podcast does not finish anything before I did the roast my friend popped a Percocet into my mouth I was literally had no bones you had a Percocet at the fucking wedding I'm worried about you do you know how many drugs they were doing

the Percocet was nothing everybody was shit faced, cross faded, on coke I did no coke so I did the roast I stand up to do it cassette was nothing everybody was shit face cross faded on coke i did no coke oh oh oh i just hurt my ball so i did the roast i stand up to do it my dress is written up around my waist my bike shorts are showing the bride had to jump up from her seat pull my dress back down and then i proceeded to roast them while sliding in truth like i would be like i would be like yeah this this wedding is a crossover episode between love on a spectrum and love island they shouldn't be

getting married they foster each other's addictions like i couldn't stop slipping in realities about their do you understand did people like it andy's autistic and needs to seek help like i couldn't the purpose that was they like it yeah oh did the bride and groom like it i don't know my back was turned to them did the crowd like it it was a pleaser except for the european couple who can suck on my dig i wish i had i wish i had regular days you know what i mean i think you do you like this this seems to be one of the things of like you know people that like they drink every every every day and a doctor would be like you can't stop you can't just quit because if you do you'll'll die. Right. Yeah. You think I would die if I... Became calm, chilled out a little bit, 100%.

But wouldn't it be... Fingers crossed. It'd be like a shark going backwards. I do... Or stopping and dying. Do they stop? They don't stop? They never stop?

Yeah. What stops? No, no, no. If you're addicted to alcohol and the alcohol withdrawal is the only withdrawal you can die from. But more importantly, a shark can't stop swimming. It's not more importantly, no. If you're addicted to alcohol, and the alcohol withdrawal is the only withdrawal you can die from. But more importantly, a shark can't stop swimming. It's not more importantly, Jordan. I'm getting the shark tattoo because that's me, dog. If I stop, I die, bitch.

That's exactly what I'm saying. I think you like this, and I think you have to live this way. And you want to live this way. Nick Mullen has shark eyes. This is Jordan Jensen. You should get Prisoner of Jordan tattooed on you. We'll be right back after this. Manscaped.

Shave your butt beard. Hey, everybody. It's your old pal Ian here. And I am coming to you from a hotel in Tampa, St. Pete, Florida. Oh, boy, is this, I mean, look, this is a hooker hotel if I've ever seen one. And I bring that up to say, fellas, there's nothing worse than not being able

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Athleticgreens.com slash ska. Athleticgreens.com slash ska. Check it out. And check out the rest of the show yeah listen here's the thing there's so much i like being like this when i can be here but anywhere else i really people do think i'm unwell where where are you in a normal situation you're not at the wedding people thought i was sick who cares these people are fucking big deal big deal who gives a fuck yeah you're right it doesn't matter i'd like to find love someday you don't you're right do you actually though you're not gonna find love because you don't love yourself i love my i couldn't even get the words

out yeah see this podcast should have been called being jordan with ian how about this how about this me and ian no it needs to be being somebody with a somebody yeah yeah and today is definitely being With Ian. How about this? How about this? Me and Ian. No, it needs to be being somebody with a somebody. Yeah, yeah. And today is definitely being Jordan with Ian. Okay. Do you actually want to find love? In all seriousness.

Half a second of fucking, get to it and then you can talk about water bottles. But is there, do you, do you actually in your fucking life with your truck and your Molly, do you want to find love? I only do Molly once every five years. My mom has my truck. I have a motorcycle and I have found love, but I would like to be able to keep it. And I don't think I'll be able to if I can't keep it together for one second. What would make you keep it together? Partial lobotomy, ketamine therapy, or a dog, a therapy dog.

You should get a cat. Don't talk to me about cats. I tried to feed a cat in Mexico. It attacked my hand. Get over Mexico. Right? Sure. If you imagine me right now, little French bulldog on my lap, I'd be calm as hell.

Me and Brutus, what are we doing? I have a little chihuahua. Tell the chihuahua story. Also, it's me and Ian with Jordan. Yeah, thanks. All right. Yeah. You got a gay dog.

Tell us about it. That was my point. My dog. I found her. Well That was my point. My dog. I found her. Well, first of all, everybody's going to be wanting to fuck you after you tell the story. Well, first of all, I found this dog when I was on my knees hard, just

sucking a man's dick behind Sherry's top. This man had a dog. So this guy has a dog, Ian, right? And I'm blowing him. He forgets that he has a dog because I'm really sucking it. I love how. There's sweat all over his bag.

I'm talking like, Ian, this guy, this guy. He'll probably never come again. Yeah. Because it was so much. Why? Because I'm blowing him? No. One of his balls.

You know how you have two? You have two balls? One of them went inside. It drained 100%. Yes, yes. And he had a dog, and he passed out once he came. So I had to erase this. I now have this dog.

As you call it, a gay dog. It makes sense. Here's how I got this dog. This is the sweetest story I've ever heard. He told me this when we were standing in a puffer store, just selling jacket puffers. Go ahead. We were in a puffer store.

Jordan was also saying that she'd like to find love while massaging a moon clothed jacket. Yeah. My dog, Ian. Uh-huh. Real quick, I swear to God, so my,

I have ADD too. I guarantee I do. This is a different thing. My brother, when we were kids, he had to take a whole bunch of pills, snort shit,

and he would try to bother me all the time. He would snort shit? He'd kick my fucking, like he's on, he did stuff to get, whatever. He's kicking my my fucking bunk bed he's always like poking my shit doing stuff he'd be like nath nath nath nath nath nath so so what i'm trying to say to you is years and years of that that's why i don't really care sometimes when people heckle i'm like pal you're

gonna have to do so much more than this yeah I don't give a fuck. My brother would like... Anyways. So this I love. This is almost like going home at 10. Could you imagine if we had bunk beds? You should do this podcast in bunk beds. That'd be great. No, seriously.

We should do a bed episode. If you guys had a bunk bed and the guest was off to the side, that'd be kind of cool. With Ian swinging his head down occasionally and me kicking his little legs yeah his tiny little tattooed legs yeah yeah how old how old are you how tall are you in how old are you five eight okay seven i got this dog six and a half i got the dog i moved into this apartment. It was much like this one, actually. It was a basement apartment. I moved into

this apartment. Two weeks later... I'm trying to be calm. I apologize. I don't want to yell. I can tell that you're trying not to be like us. You're trying to be calm, but it's hard for you, too. It's a good balance, and I'm happy you're here. Let's try and sit still for this whole story.

Let's see if we can do it. My nuts keep riding. My brother, real real quick and i'll get back to the story my mom she went into the library to drop off some books or look he's on a different story blow a dude and then i'm gonna go back i'll hold it i know where they both are i'll go back to my brother is in the back seat i have one of those like dinky cars it's probably in this room somewhere that's like heavy as fuck and i'm driving it on the dashboard and my brother's in the back going nath you're a bum i go i'm not a bum and he goes you're a bum i go alex i'm driving the car i go if you call me a bum one more time i'm gonna whip this at your head he does this i turn around he goes like this he looks both ways he goes

but before he even got it out oh yeah i whipped it in his fucking head big gash blew his head all the way blood all over his fucking face he's screaming my mom comes back to the car she's like what happened I go he fell down in the car he fell down in the car he fell had to take him to the hospital they glued his

fucking head together but the doctor glued the glove to his head so the doctor's pulling and my brother's going ah ah and then a week later two weeks later my mom pulled me into a room and she's like uh nathan uh alex told me what happened he didn't fall in the car plus the evidence was right there there's a bloody dinky car i mean it it rained this dinky car slashed his face and then it was just pure blood but the dog i got i'm passing out i'm passing out you move into this apartment what we have i came in with it continue i moved into this apartment and two weeks later there's a dog at my fucking door okay with a note on it and the the note is basically like i'm i can't take care of her anymore she misses you blah blah blah can

i interrupt for one second i almost threw up if you chuck a card or projectile vomited can i interrupt he just throws up everywhere i didn't mean to do that one time i was driving in a car with my uh ex-boyfriend he was driving go ahead yes and i said i said you need to take a left turn and he was like and i was like what did you just do? And he's like, me?

And I was like, are you mocking me? And he's like, yeah, you made me. And I was like, if you mock me one more time, I'm going to punch you right in the eye. And I punched him right in the eye while I was driving the truck. Veered off the road. Black eye. We were on a trip. Every photo of him, him smiling.

Full black eye. So I feel you on the dinky truck. One time I was eating at an ice cream place. I'll finish. By the time this is over, I'll finish this dog story. No, you won't. Yes, I will. There was an ice cream place called Lickety Split.

And I was like. I used to blow guys behind there. Are you talking about the Lickety Split? All right. All right. It's huge. Sorry, I believe my friends. No, there was a guy that used to.

He always used to get the bubble gum ice cream. And he would hold it while I blew him. Yeah, the yo-yo guy. Blew the bubble gum with him. Do you see what I'm talking about? You don't get to hear my story. Okay. Oh, is that so?

So I got a dog from this magic bag. This woman was trying to leave it for her ex-boyfriend who used to live in my apartment, but he'd moved out. She didn't check to see if anybody was there. So I just inherited this fucking Chihuahua years ago. I've had this Chihuahua for like nine years. Explain how you found the Chihuahua. She showed up at my door. And then I got a hold of my, I was like, well, this had

to be left for my old whatever. I got a hold of my landlord. I go, buddy, the fuck, who used to live here? I gotta get a hold of that guy. I get a hold of that guy. He's like, yeah, my ex-girlgirlfriend's crazy i cannot believe she left my dog at your fucking door but he's like i'm a chef i can't take care of that dog anymore so i just inherited a goddamn dog you said the buck stops here i'm keeping the dog nobody's back in this shit anymore look at her tiny little peanut head tiny little dog

like this the box stops here the box yeah the reason I kept her is my landlord because I just signed a lease I was like you can't have pets my landlord was like you have to take her you gotta get her out of here and he goes

he goes, he goes, he goes, he goes, look, man. He goes, look, man, we'll take her to the pound and they probably won't kill her. And I was like, yeah, no, that's not going to happen. So that's that. And then I kept this dog. She's the best. What's her name? Lickety Splits.

Because I used to. There was one guy... You only keep doing it because these fucking retards keep laughing at it. Shut up! The guy... Here's all I'll say. The guy couldn't go home. I'm a magical cum maker.

The biggest dicks in the world... That's just your problem. We'll settle it later. The biggest dicks in the world are men who buy mint chocolate chip ice cream. That's all I want to say. Do you know what? That's all I'm trying to say. Do you know what?

Somebody posted a meme where they're like... I got a bunch of mint chocolate chip in my freezer. I think there's something... I think... There's gotta be a gas leak in this place. I think we have to read at least one book someday. I can't read. Dude, I can't read.

I keep buying books and I can't read them. Dude, I just keep purchasing them. Me and Ian, before we were leaving for our trips, we stayed up all night and he was like, should I bring two books? And I was like, truth be honest, you're not gonna read one. He's like, very well.

Truth be honest. That's a sentence you bailed on hard. All the other sentences are because your brain fucks up. That one you were like, oh God, I can't say truth, be honest. I'm sweating profusely. Why? Do you think that you could fetch?

I mean, it's bad. Fetch? Do you think you could, somebody could- Jordan. Okay, I'll go get it. I'll go get it. Where are you? You're not leaving.

Wow. What the hell did I just witness? An assault. An assault. It's bad. Somebody needs to help me. It's like peanut. It's like Thai peanut. You smell funny. You're. It's bad. Somebody needs to help me. It's like peanut. It's like Thai peanut.

You smell funny. You're attracted to my scent. Who are you? Are you? What are you? What are you doing? Who are you? What are you dating?

Who are you? Who am I? Who? You invited me. What are you dating? What are you doing? Dating. I'm saying, are you dating a comedian?

Are you dating a... You could loosely term that is it a person with like a normal life or no no this I'm just asking you're smelling your own

you know what I mean what's that mean it's like the beginning of fucking Dennis the Menace you know how she I'm asking a question you know how she I'm asking a question you know how she ended up with this guy she kept getting passed along like a chihuahua and then she showed up

at this guy's door I'll dig in this stray call me the buck at least I can make men come okay oh congrats. Just immediately hit a nerve. Oh, fuck.

We're not gonna talk about dating life. I'm dating a six foot four black man. I wish. Why do you wish? That's how i like him okay and i met him outside my apartment complex he was homeless were you stopping him from coming in because you were like you don't show me your key or i don't know that you live here can we live in reality videos you know okay let's live in reality i

oh you something on my riff that makes it seem like i was doing something wrong but go ahead Okay, let's live in reality. I. Oh, you summed it on my riff? That makes it seem like I was doing something wrong, but go ahead. I apologize. Her riff. You know when you smell the armpits of your clothing and you're like, people are like trying to check if it's bad. I think I'm trying to check if it's like, like I'm huffing it. Like I'm like.

You could. Sorry. Your smell is only to you. No one else smells it. A smell that other people smell that was on the airplane. I was ripping he was ripping ass sending me pictures of this woman who was like this on the airplane his farts his farts create you know when you were little and you got those stomach aches that were so bad that you just didn't understand what was going on it was like cruel pain his do that his farts got

stuck in my nose for a month here's's the thing. I drank away my stomach lining and so I've had stomach issues since then. I did that. No, no. No, I'm sorry. I drank away. Because it was man's cum.

Yes, it burns your stomach lining. I started drinking very early from like 13 to 18. I had an ulcer at 15. I had to take these big pills. Holy shit, really early from like 13 to 18. I had an ulcer at 15. I had to take these big pills. Holy shit. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dead serious. Absolutely fucking serious. You, the car chucker at your younger brother? You don't say. You don't say. You already being an abusive father? You kept calling me a bum. A bum is the most benign thing you can call a man.

First of all, you live together, so technically you can't be a bum. You know what I mean? Well, we're also children, but as a child, that was a harsh, that was an insult. A bum? Yes, it hurt. You know what it hurt? A large truck being whipped at your forehead. Well, I understand. I feel bad about it to this day. He should be the alcoholic. He was

horribly... He said a couple of beverages in his life. Where is he now? Halifax, Nova Scotia. Where I'm from. What's he doing? I had best friends that were neighbors and we were lickety splits and they kept calling me an idiot and I hated it. And I had a hat for the school I was going to that said St. E's and I go, you better

stop it. And they go, what's the E stand? What's what's S E stand for what's S E stand for stupid idiot and I took my ice cream and I shoved it in her face and we stopped being friends wow nice don't fucking fool on me

those things matter but anyways my stomach lining fucked for a long god damn time this is why you're violently shitting beside nice different people on a plane. And it's cigarettes and coffee that does it. Oh my God.

And they sit out like that. They don't make noise. They're like that. Just hot. No, they make noises. Really? She heard them? I don't know.

She'd have had fun there. You just don't care? Just violently shit? 45 minutes. Time flies when you're insane. You're just violently shitting beside people. No. I was farting. I haven't shit in five days.

It's the molly. It's not the molly. It's when I travel, I don't shit, okay? Last time I went to Mexico, somebody said, well, if you want to shit, drink the water. I drank the water, Jardia, a week. Put all of this in your dating bio, by the way. I smell myself. I haven't shit in five days.

Looking for love. We updated my bio to Ian screaming into a camera. That's going to work too. You should check my dating app because you sent all those things. Check it up. She let me in charge of messaging her dating app. I didn't leave you in charge.

You took my phone and you did it without my consent. I know. And I got one brewing right now and you joked you're just violently shitting next to people. I'm begging you. I won't because it will be a shit. Dude, if somebody goes near my butthole,

we are going to have just, remember Fern Gully? Keep adding it. Honest to God, keep the dating bio going. fern gully i do remember fern gully yes the oil spill is gonna come out of my ass my asshole's like the genie's lamp in a ladder you rub it too much a blue ghost gonna pop out of shit the bride this is how stanford prison experiment she got she first of all abused her bride of honor the entire time screaming taylor until the girl dissociated i haven't seen her like this in years

okay i couldn't even she wasn't even a disney farm hand who talks like that she was it was like that it was like that the bride then then clogs her toilet fills it up to poop to the brim doesn't unclog it doesn't unclog it. Doesn't unclog it. Say that part again, sorry. The bride goes into her bridesmaid's room because she doesn't want to disrupt her groom's toilet. Shits violently into her bridesmaid's, who's been a slave this entire time. Fills it up with poop and then goes, I'm so sorry. Nobody should be allowed to be married to that person.

No, I was going to say nobody should be allowed to get married, period. Yeah. At all. Definitely anybody that be allowed to get married period yeah at all definitely anybody that really wants to be married i'm sorry not for you the type of person that would scream at their bridesmaid then violently shit in their toilet i apologize because you know what i don't know anything about anything but i bet these people last max five years because this i don't know five months but this whole deal is like we gotta get this thing together we gotta tay tailor and then when it's all said and done now you're just sitting in your own house you're just eating cigarettes

drinking topo chico looking at each other yeah yeah and then you go well what else are we gonna do and they're like i don't know we can go to we can go to fucking lickety splits again they're like i stopped second years ago but i get bored and bored and bored and then they're like i'm gonna do all of this again so they shatter this person's life and then they you know what i mean yes it just continues on and on and on i agree the the the wedding was so dramatic that it made me realize that they were thinking they were like this is our last hurrah to be insane people yeah but it illuminated how much this was never going to be the last i had such an inverse experience of the wedding i went to in in mexico it was like so beautiful so much love and happiness.

And like, it was wonderful. There was a lot of love at this. It was wonderful. It was all the guys I lived with here in this apartment since 2007. One of them, it was his wedding. We were all there together. It was beautiful, man.

It was great. I had a great time because of one man. His name is Joe. Funniest man I've ever met. He was going like this behind the influencers. What? He was going like this. It was great. I had a great time because of one man. His name is Joe. Funniest man I've ever met. He was going like this behind the influencers. What? He was going like this. Sorry.

Sorry. Besides you. He was going like this behind the influencers butts as they were twerking. Just just pretending to puppeteer them. A fine dance move. What do you mean influencers? Girls with fake butts who were twerking. They have like YouTube channels.

They're like famous for TikTok. Where are those YouTube channels? Yeah. Can we see the butts? Yes. On the Patreon. There's almost never not a time that i you know what i mean what wouldn't want to see a dancing ass it was going crazy but joe was enjoying it by pretending that he was puppeteering so then he got kicked off the dance floor by the bride he said they said you're out of control so then what joe did is he took me he came up to me on the dance floor and he goes hey try waving your hands over their butts.

Try waving. And I was like, I'm not going to do that, Joe. That's why you got kicked off. And then he started grabbing my hands and waving them, using me as a proxy. Jordan. Butt puppeteer. Yeah. Can I ask you a quick question?

Yeah, go for it. What do you think Joe was trying to accomplish in all of this? I think he thought, I think it's a very funny dance move. The twerkers are going crazy. They need all the attention on that. Think a little bit deeper. Like magic. No, no, no.

Think a little bit deeper. You don't know this Joe? I know him. You know him. Good friend. Gotcha. I thought you didn't know him. What did you think?

He was trying to touch their butts? He's trying to fuck you. But I didn't know that you knew him. Oh, no, no, no. Good buddy. I did not know that you knew him. I thought he was just a guy you met at a wedding. No, nobody was trying to fuck me.

Actually, offensively so. Everybody had a... Were you smelling yourself? Talking about you having shit in three days? Yeah. Like non-stop. I was begging people to squeeze the poop out of me. What's crazy is people think that men are just these wild monsters that'll fuck a pussy

if it's on an F-150, but like, no. F-150? Yeah, if you just tossed a pussy onto an F-150. There's a lot of people that think we would still fuck it. If you are Taylor! If you are a regular man,

you might fuck a F-150. You don't pussy on my truck, I'm gonna fuck it. Yes. I was a little out of control. Who's that lady that says she hasn't shit in five days? I think it might be a problem. And the reverse of this is also true. There's not a lot of women that would be like, who's that lady that says she hasn't shit in five days? Yeah. I think it might be a problem. And the reverse of this is also true.

There's not a lot of women that'd be like, who's that guy that took my all in so he can't shit? I actually might be attracted to that because it'd resonate with me. What? So you are looking for love. You're going to find it. That guy's out there. He lives in Brooklyn.

He's at a mic tonight. I'm not talking about my love life, but I'm not either. I'm not going to eat your shorts once the camera's off. I have a tattoo that says eat my shorts. You're disgusting. Big hoof away. I hate your fucking. I almost bought you something really cool in Mexico, but it was like an insane amount of money.

But just pretend. I'm not going to tell you. What are nail clippers? pretend. What was it? I'm not even going to tell you. What are nail clippers? No. What was it? It was like an ashtray with a leopard head. Just pretend. All right, cool.

I'm going to get it. Oh, thanks for the gift. Yeah, you're welcome. I couldn't even afford anything for myself. I got these little tiny guys. When I cut my toenails, you won't hate my feet anymore. We're going to get pedicures. I like long toenails yuck on

me you know what's crazy on you okay but i'll tell you this both ways yuck the whole thing is yuck even just the term long toenails yuck yuck yuck yuck i like long toenails yuck yuck i like people that look like they can climb a tree willingly all the time yuck yuck people want to have sex with him willingly all the time. Yuck, yuck, yuck. People want to have sex with him. Well, he's a very, you know, he's a lovable goof. He's a lovable goof. Yeah. You know, Stavros said you're not attractive. You're very attractive. Stavros is a fat fucking pig.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Sorry. He's a lovable man. Me? No, Stavros, but also you. You just took a real hard left dig at Stavros by saying that he's also a lovable man. Yeah, because he said that I'm not attractive.

And he is a fucking whale. Have you seen Nathan's girlfriend? It's so offensive. Great. He is, but she's really hot. You don't think a guy like him can... She's like Rami hot. Rami's girlfriend.

Who's Rami? Rami. Rami. The comedian. Who? Oh, Rami. There's a restaurant called Rami. They sell ramen noodles. We broke him.

And Ian, I don't want to tell you this again, but I used to... Oh? I used to blow guys behind Rami. You don't think he... You are a catch. Of course you have a great gal No totally but she's like Yeah that's good He seems offended by that

No I like long toenails man That's what I like dude Alright I like long toenails, man. That's what I like, dude. All right. Maybe we need some structure in this. Nathan? Can I tell you in all seriousness?

Are we done? No, no, no. We're keeping going. I apologize to cut you off. You're right. I thought you were saying... I got distracted pulling the lint off of my clothes. Compliment. You came in and then nicked them.

Tell us the truth. Can I tell you something? Well, what I was going to say is. What? He's talking. What you just said is. Nathan, we're listening to you. Can I tell you something?

That's what you just said. But yeah, you did actually. But if you see my eyes, I'm like. What's he going to tell me? I'm like what's he gonna tell me I meant to say can you tell me something come on I can tell you something

what I was gonna say I really thought you were like we need to structure this Nathan and I thought you were gonna be like thanks for coming in

blah blah blah but I wanted to say in that before you even got to this I really had a fun time wow you know what I mean that's great

but you knew that you know what I mean no sometimes I worry that people leave and they're like, uh-oh. Uh-oh. My friends need some support in their lives. That's what I worry about.

I don't think there's one comedian that doesn't. Yeah, that's true. You know. Yeah. But that's what's cool. We all have each other. Yeah, I can call you guys whenever I need, whenever something's going wrong. You know, I can text you and go,

hey, buddy. Actually, you know what's crazy? You and me did talk during the pandemic. Somehow, some way, because we're not like, you know, we don't talk all the time. I don't like you. I said I do not like you. Christ. I'll never forget, we talked

and it was the first time I ate a meal to go from a restaurant during the pandemic. And I was pacing up and down the block because I was nervous that I was going to get COVID from a chicken cutlet. Yeah, we had a great conversation. And it was like one of those like, oh, wow, civilization type deals. No, he's very good. He's a very good therapist to me. He gives me great advice when I'm freaking

out. I give you great advice too. You do. We really help each other. Sometimes you trick me and you're like, I got to talk to you about something really serious. My tattoo. And I'm like, I'm hanging up immediately. It is 5 a.m. It is 5 a.m. I did text you at like 5 and I was like, are you awake and available? You should have seen him the

night before we were leaving on this trip where I was like, I just need three minutes to finish this clip, dude he'd be like absolutely so listen can you take a look over here and then i mean he'd be like i let you have like 15 minutes i was like realistically 15 seconds i swear to god and then he starts whipping out all of this bdsm stuff putting it on and being like he bought all he bought 150 000 dollars worth of bdsm equipment to use was that a lot or a little? I don't know. No,

I brought, I had like a duffel bag upstairs, BDSM stuff that I got for a girl. Cat ears, cat mask. Cat ears is BDSM? For some reason, they sent me a cat mask.

Look, I was in Mexico zero tan. Why? Because I was a slave. I didn't even get to get outside. So she was over and we stayed up all night and I had a bunch of mail and I was like, what is this? And it was a duffel bag full of BDSM

stuff that I ordered. I was like, what is this? For a girl that was going to fly out to Florida for a gig to have a weekend of lustful sex. What's in that bag? My balls. No, what? What's in the bag? Handcuffs No. What? What's in the bag?

Handcuffs. Leather handcuffs. Things that go around your legs. Leather handcuffs. Can I tell you a side note? This sucks. Should I go get it? I'm one of these monsters.

I hate. Are you going to go get it? No, no, no. Do you want to go get it? His little bald head in the cat mask. Get out of here. What are we doing? Okay.

You hate what? I want to hear this. Leather. I hate leather. No, this is going to be good to hear this leather i just hate it as far as like a this as far as the sex thing goes like a leather jackie might see is a good time but like as far as like i'm gonna put on like a tight leather thing and beat your ass with a fucking it was hot but i think it i think it like made her be like what am i doing i've had that happen so many times where i get in a sexy threatening thing with

somebody and where it's like oh i'm gonna do this i'm gonna do this and then we're finally gonna meet up and i bail because i'm like what am i gonna do show up with my fucking backpack you know what i mean i'm like where do i put my bike helmet you know what i mean where do i put my leather cap yeah yeah hold on a second i'm gonna put this on so here's the thing i was opening it you can put your bike helmet or lock you say helmet helmet she was like i need time for this clip i'm like fair enough fair like, I need time for this clip. And I'm like, fair enough, fair enough. So I start time for the clip because you were like editing something. And then I realized she's not.

She's just in a fight with her guy. And I'm like, you're a liar because you're not doing a clip. Bullshit. But I have a hard time packing. Did you buy $150 worth of stuff solely for this one lady? Yeah. Yeah. A stranger.

She's not a stranger. She's a stranger. And then he's laughing hysterically going, we didn't even say we're not doing it. We just slowly drifted apart. That's the thing. It was just a slow, a slow drift. We're not talking to text here and there, but not enough to justify this shit. He's slowly getting dressed.

He's slowly putting assless chaps on. I'm losing my mind. You took a video of me in the cat bed. Oh, I showed 11 people at the wedding. Oh, no. She wanted to bring me to the wedding and the bitch bride was like, not Ian. I didn't even ask Ian. I didn't even ask Ian.

I said, could I bring somebody even though I don't have a significant other? And she bitch bride was like not Ian. I didn't even ask Ian. I didn't even ask Ian. I said could I bring somebody even though I don't have a significant other and she said yeah not Ian. Wow. She doesn't even know Ian. Yeah I'll put on a cat mask and fucking whip her up. This has been an episode I'm not

What dates do you have coming up I would be I would be a dominant stop stop stop stop what do you got coming up put out a YouTube special it's out now it's called money Money Never Wakes 40 on Finance.

Check it out on my YouTube channel. Please. Thank you. Any dates? Yet again, a YouTube thing that I'd really like people to check out. Money Never Wakes on my channel. You can go to my website for it. We'll link it in the description.

Thank you. When's this coming out? Will we do that? Two weeks. Two weeks? Oh, February 10th and 11th. No, don't do this. Okay, yeah.

February 10th and 11th, Governors Long Island. Whoa. February 15th, 16th, Fort Worth, Dallas Hyenas. February 17th and 18th, McAllister, Oklahoma. And then the week after i'm in mcgoobies with the tell and then i want to do mcgoobies so bad can i come ianfidance.com for all my dates patreon.com slash be an ian pod thank you thank you thank you thank you for subscribing we are really doing fun stuff pretty soon we're gonna have enough money to go do

weird stuff that's true so keep joining. We're almost at a thousand subs. Tell us what you want us to do. By the time this comes out we'll probably be over a thousand subs. Thank you guys for subbing. Oh we gotta get my butthole bleached. My friend Corey is going to come up and bleach your butthole. Oh we are doing it. My friend John's going to give us tattoos. No no no. Rich Fi is giving us tattoos.

On the pod. We're going to the tattoo shop. I know but then John said at a different time he'll come on the pod. And just while to the tattoo shop. I know, but then John said at a different time we'll come on the pod. And just while we do a thing. More tattoos. Yeah. Any dates? February 14th, they'll be at the Helium in Indianapolis.

No shit. Yeah. Valentine's Day. Bummer. Valentine's Day. Do you have anything coming up? I'm going to be at Balmore, New York. I'm going to be at.

Oh, shit. Wise guys. Oops. No, not wise guys. The worst one. I'm going to be at Oh shit. Wise guys. Oops. No, not wise guys. The worst one. I'm going to be at Uncle Vinny's one night boo. And then something else. Laugh Boston. Please come out to Laugh Boston. And then something else.

Really jacked about Uncle Vinny's. Jordan Jensen dot comedy dot com. Please look at the dates. I don't know why I can't keep them in my head. I'm going to be at Zany's Nashville March 21st. That's going to be a fun one. That's going to be a fun one. We're going to go buck wild. It's going to be weird.

I'm going to get weird. I think I'm going to get really weird. It's going to get weird. Yeah. If you think this is weird, it's going to get weird. I think I'm going to do a whole new. What's up, Nashville? I haven't shit in 27 days, bro.

It's got to happen. It's got to happen. what's up Nashville I haven't shit in 27 days bro it's gotta happen it's gotta happen listen I am backed up well I'm about to shit for the both of us I feel like it's time to go septic I gotta go it's really gonna be a sprinkler are you gonna shit I think smelling your poop will make me poop

and then come back and talk on twitter and instagram thanks for tuning in. We love you. Bye. Bye. Bye.