Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Ep105: Uncut Vibes W/ Luke Mones , Mike Recine , and Maddie Wiener

Episode Date: July 31, 2024

As always , Thanks for listening!  Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod AN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 WATCH DEATH CHUNK HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s Podcast Merch Here ! : https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast Support the show and get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription at https://www.babbel.com/SKA Support the show & get free appetizers for life. Head to https://www.hellofresh.com/skaapps Follow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/ See Jordan Live! : https://punchup.live/jordanjensen WATCH JORDAN’S SPECIAL HERE : https://youtu.be/MoBkkw66NWY?si=ffcJnn9HuluWrW4l   @jordanjensenlolstop  Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! : https://punchup.live/ianfidance ​⁠ Follow Mike Recine Here : https://www.instagram.com/mikerecinecomedy/   @outforsmokespod  See Mike Live : https://www.mikerecinecomedy.com Mike Recine: I'm Normal - Full Comedy Special: Mike Recine: https://youtu.be/Fjt3mkpvquw?si=t6EYg-O4cD32EJ4_ Follow Luke Mones: https://www.instagram.com/lukemones/ More Here : https://lukemones.komi.io  @LukeMones  Follow Maddie Wiener: https://www.instagram.com/maddietwiener/ More Here : https://linktr.ee/maddietw  @PhoneIsInTheBag  Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced/Edited by: Ethan Dupree https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/

And I'm calling this right now. This was a classic B and E and episode. We did so many great bits. Luke has AIDS, the serial mascot, Israel day, all these, a lot of jaw rule. It's coming down like, like an old CD commercial. Mike says it's in yellow, but all the other things are in white. Many, many classic bits on this episode of Obedient. So keep listening to the podcast you're listening to.

Don't change that. Don't touch that search bar. It's a wild ride when you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride when you're being Ian Being Ian Life is shit but you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live a life

Be an Ian, be an Ian With Jordan Hi everybody, welcome to another episode of B&E with Jordan. Jordan is at the Lake House on assignment doing research of what it's like to be happy. We're continuing on in her stage. She'll be back next week. But I have wonderful, wonderful friends today with me. Maddie Weiner. Hello. Lucas Monez. All right.

And Michael Racine. Was I supposed to say something? Do we have to say something? Yeah, maybe you should be happier. Is it Racine? Is it not Racine? No, it's Racine. He says Racine. I say Racine.

Mike Racine. It's Racine? It's Racine. It's the Delaware pronunciation. Racine. I hardly knew ye. Doesn't make sense. Now, what were you saying? I should be what? No, nothing. It was about Jordan, but she's for scene. It's the Delaware pronunciation. Racine. I hardly knew you make sense. Now, what were you saying? I should be what? No, nothing. It was about Jordan, but she's not here.

Oh, she's in a canoe somewhere. She's in a canoe with a dog. That's what I imagine. That's pretty huge. Spinning around. She has the Davy Joe, the Davy Crockett crap. David Crockett. Dude, she could pull off a mullet actually. And I say that with the highest respect for the whole world.

She'd be so much hotter if she had a mullet. She actually, we should talk her into it. Dude, it kind of could be huge. Operation patreon.com slash B and E and pod. When we reach a certain amount, agree. Hold Jordan down and give her a mullet Jordan you look really good as a skinhead You imagine Jordan with a shave that That's like something she would do if somebody could talk her into that You gave me 35 minutes I could talk her into shaving her head. Yeah

Yeah, what's the pitch I mean it's it would again it would me 35 minutes, I could talk her into shaving her head. Yeah. Yeah. What would you say? Or even like pixie cut? Yeah. What's the pitch? I mean, it's, it would again, it would take 35 minutes. I'll be Jordan. You be you. Ready? Somebody hold her down.

You'd have to put her in the thing that they give dogs a bath in. Oh man. She really is like a dog you can't pet? Yes, she's got to get the best. Did you guys ever have a rat tail? You have a rat tail? I don't know. It is a cat. I had a rat. I never had a mullet.

I had a mullet. It was kind of cool. Rat tail was big in the 90s. Yeah. Everybody in my school, like everybody and their brother had a rat tail. Was it I guess girls couldn't you couldn't really? You guys could have a rat tail technically. You could. But it would be more be like, the rat tail wouldn't be the of no part. It would be like, you shaved the rest of your head.

Oh yeah. That would be the only normal part. You know what I mean? Yeah. Is you're like this one fucked up rat. There was one kid that had a rat tail when I was a kid, but he also like ate ants, and he also ate like the cores of apples.

Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. You could like do that at recess. Wait, what? Yeah. He ate ants? I never heard of that. Yeah, yeah, that at research. Wait, what? Yeah. He ate ants.

I never heard of that. Yeah, he was like, oh, they're crunchy. I like them. And also, this is my hair. So that's like who I associate that with. I mean, for sure, like Oregon, it was definitely more of a vibe. Like everybody was, first of all, I

thought up until a certain point, everybody ate the whole apple. No. You were eating like core seeds. You ate the entire apple. I didn't eat the seeds, but I like almost all of it. No, I'm saying like crazy. I'm saying like he had nothing to throw away at the. OK, I do that. I do do that with a pear.

I eat the whole pear. I eat that. I do that with even like the stick. I eat the stick with a peach. That's the whole thing. Like a Native American with a buffalo. He eats every part of the peach. He technically eats it. No, you gotta get to one part of the animal where you're like,

all you can do with this is fuck it. What, the pussy? What do you do with the pussy? Well, the core goes up his ass at the end. So he technically does it now. That's how you make new peaches. James the giant peach. Just eat him with a fat ass.

Now he's taking a journey through Ian's ass. That was a crazy movie. What was the premise of that? The premise of the movie was a boys parents are killed in a car accident. By a rhinoceros. By a gyro rhinoceros. This is a studio film. It was a book. I know but still theeros. This is a studio film. They were cobbled up by a rhinoceros. It was a book. It was a Rodolf book. I know, but still, the fact that it was a studio film, they were like, let's get a rhinoceros to kill this boy's parents. And then he's adopted by his, I want to say, his lesbian aunts? I think they were sisters. But yeah, they were abusive.

Wishful thinking on the part of Luke. At any rate, they were very, his aunts were very- Luke's eight years old, I bet they eat each other now. I'm stroking my rat tail. Go on, girls! Anything to get my mind off of learning cursing tomorrow. Looks like I'd pay top dollar to watch them two broads eat each other. The usher comes to the theater, I think that boy's eating his own hair. I'm not ballin' to watch them too broad. Eat each other. The usher comes to the theater, I think that boy's eating his own hair. Um.

Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um.

Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um.

Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. And I thought that was normal until I went until I was a cent away like it goes in like a baby book That's why I thought yeah like cigarettes I have my rat tail still Yes, yes. Yes. Oh, yes. Yes. Yes my dad my dad cut them and then he put them in an envelope He's like you boys are gonna want this later And then... On your wedding, you turn it into a wedding ring and give it to your old brother.

You did it with everything. Our rat tail, our foreskin. Is keeping your foreskin the weirdest thing? I don't think it's that weird, honestly. I mean, I grew up in a home where we're keeping the rat tail in an envelope. We actually have it framed in my house. We touch it when we enter the room. Next to my graduation picture.

Are you cut? You seem to be cut. I'm cut, yeah. Yeah, unfortunately. Can I say this? Yeah. Well, first of all, I feel like you give off the vibe that you am upset about it.

No, you might be. Well, 100% upset. But wait, I'm not thrilled. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not thrilled to be cut. That's why you're such an anti-Zionist. What's the hurt about that? Yeah, yeah, you're right.

It all starts here. I don't give a fuck about anything. What the fuck is Palestine? That's why you're such an anti-Zionist. Yeah, you're right. It all starts with Mike listen. I don't give a fuck about anything. What the fuck is Palestine? I just want my foreskin back. You're at the protest with the sign, everyone's like, what does that say? Yeah, I guess you can join our protest.

His sign said, give it back, so we thought he understood what was happening. Give it back, man, Yahoo! Stop changing the border. Stop redrawing the lines. I don't think he, but then he took his dick out and his. I guess you can join our protest. It's kind of insane. I used to see those guys all the time in union square. They kind of had their moment. The anti-cirque guys.

I saw their first float at Pride. Pride? In 2016 or 2017, it was a pickup truck, which is a couple of guys wanting their foreskin back. You guys remember we were just a pickup truck? The guys are like, something bad happened to me. I guess I'm kind of gay. My proxy.

Something fucked up. There's something wrong with me. I'm going to join the gay parade. It's like you have nothing to do with this. You guys remember we were just a pickup truck and now we're a slightly bigger pickup truck. Now they have like that big that big like sign on the, you know, that's like the takes up the whole. Well, I saw them grow.

It was like seven guys in a pickup truck the first year. And then it exploded to just so many people wanting to get them. Yeah. Once I started hearing about the fact that you get more sensitivity, I was interested in taking it. Yeah. But the reason I was going to say you, you give uncut vibes. Thanks. Well, it doesn't make any sense.

Uncut vibes. Besides the name of this episode. No, you, you don't, you give cut vibes. I'm just talking about non Jewish people. Explain. Well, you don't. You give cut vibes. I'm just talking about non-Jewish people. Explain. Well, you seem Jewish. And so if you told me you were circumcised, I'd be like, yeah, of course. But you seem like you could be the type of Italian that is not circumcised.

I am, unfortunately. With all due respect. Thanks. We only do it to pledge our loyalty to Israel. Yeah. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Why do I give off cut vibes?

Because you have... What's a cut vibe? You seem like, I mean, Jewish. You seem Jewish, but also wouldn't you say he... Help me out here. But no, no, no. Let him drown. You seem like you're cut. No, I think it could be either way with you.

Well, I've also witnessed it. Yeah. You've seen his dick? Oh yeah. Have you all seen all of each other's dicks? No. I haven't seen Mike's dick. I guess, yeah.

Oh, I guess, yeah. Otherwise you wouldn't know. No, now that I think of it, no one has seen Mike's dick. No one's seen his dick. We've all seen each other's. I definitely have one, okay? So shut the fuck up. He doesn't even know.

Are you cut? They tied it in a bow. They did like a whole other thing for me. You wouldn't even understand it actually. My grandpa did it, he used a miter saw. Oh God. So now I don't have a fucking penis. That's had to have happened.

That probably happens a lot where people get the circumcision and then they just lose the whole kit and caboodle. A lot? A lot. I would say that probably happens. They're not using a fucking, you know, shop vac with knives in it.

What are you talking about? Every couple of cuts, somebody loses them. Also, it doesn't make any sense really. Who was the first person to be like, let's cut that off? Well, I think it's a... It's the Bible, the Jews. Yeah. But why? Why did they do it? That's a great question. Wasn't it's a Bible, the Jews. Yeah. But why? Why do they do it?

That's a great question. Wasn't it like a covenant with God? It was a covenant with God. What's the actual reason? To show that he trusted and loved God. It's like being hazed into a fraternity. It's like if you want to be in our fucking club, you got to cut your neck off.

You got to cut part of your penis off. You got to pick that M&M up with your ass. Well, I do think it's one of the weirdest things we do as people. One of the weirdest things that everybody does. If you loved me, you'd cut your cock off. Yeah. Why is God so weird? Why is God such a weird weirdo? Only worship me, bitch.

No one else. Abraham is on this mountain and he's like, see that son of yours, I want that tip off. I want. Yeah. But I mean, and his son, I think Abraham's son who he did cut was like an adult. I think. Yeah. Right? And also Abraham was like 150 years old. It's a big mess. I'd gasp as if it actually happened.

Like who gives a fuck in the story? I was like, I can't believe he did that to a real adult man. Yeah. Like recently. That's why Islam is so popular. Why? Because they say you don't have to do that to a real adult man. Yeah. That's why Islam is so popular. Why? Because they say you don't have to do that.

But they do it. Do they? I think a lot of them do it. Oh, OK. A lot of it. Is it only... Muslim is uncut. Is it like Fahrenheit where like the rest of the world isn't doing this?

It's just America? Great question. I think the answer is no. You know what I mean? They're like every sidewalk is 0 one three seven repeating units long. And also we cut off part of our dicks. Yeah. We're Dr. Seuss country. Speaking of which, the uncut dick kind of does look Dr.

Seussian. It does. Yeah, it looks like the Lorax trees when they like harvested all of it and there's nothing left in the forest. Exactly. They stripped it of all the nutrients. One fish, two fish. Red fish. You cut the tip of my dick off. Dude, when my kid, when my kid doesn't

listen, I'm gonna go, look at his Grinch ass penis. Look at this motherfucker with his Grinch ass penis. I guess the argument was made you do it for cleanliness, right? Right. Yeah, because like we don't get the cheese.

We don't get the cheese. Squeaky Wheel gets the grease and Uncut't get the cheese. We don't get the cheese. Squeaky wheel gets the grease and uncut dick gets the cheese. Yeah, uncut dick does get the cheese. By the way, I mean, I'd love to, here's another thing. I'd love to experience having the cheese. Yes, me too. You know what I mean? Just a day.

You gotta wash your, you mean a dirty dick? You just gotta wash your penis. Give me a day with the cheese. A dirty dick. He just has a jar that's. A rat tail and cheese. Rat needs its cheese, dude. The rat needs its fucking cheese. I'm really telling myself.

Oh, my God. You just have a whole childhood. You've just got a pocket full of envelopes of hair. Yeah. And you're just putting cheddar in your penis like, I wish this is natural. I wish this was God. No, I just remember being a kid and they were like, yeah, and you're just putting cheddar in your penis like I wish this is natural. I wish this was God

No, I just remember being a kid and they were like, yeah, if you don't if you don't get a circumcision, you're gonna get the cheese You remember that never yeah, they've I've heard that I've never heard someone once go I told my own get the circumcision you don't get the cheese Well, I told my mom we weren't circumcising our son and she she was like, you want to pull that foreskin back and clean it? And I said, I don't think you have to. Yeah, you do. That's how you clean it. Well, not when they're like it's like a certain age or something. It's it's old enough where they're old enough where you can you have to teach them.

Don't people with foreskin come quicker because it's more sensitive? It's more sensitive. That's what I'd saying. More sensitivity. Yeah. Yeah. Right. But imagine what you're missing out on. It'd be nice if it was a little more. I wouldn't mind a little more sensitive. I don't feel a thing.

I don't feel anything. Yeah, I don't even think I like pussy. I'm like, every time I'm fucking off part of my time, I fuck my wife, I go, I wish I had some goddamn foreskin or something so I could feel this push To get some of that yeah, it's fine. I guess I was on Yeah, they don't really do that You guys were like yeah, it checks out.

Could you imagine coming in like 15 seconds, though, instead of? Yeah, that'd be crazy. That is 70. It's severely cut down. I mean, they do do that. No, it's really bad. You know what? Female circumcision. Who does it? Oh, that's bad.

Yeah, that's the bad one. It's been that's like fully just like they cut off your hook. It's like the equivalent of cutting off your whole dick. Basically. Yeah, it's terrible. There's that's the bad one. It's been that's like fully just like they cut off your whole. It's like the equivalent of cutting off your whole deck. Basically, it's terrible. There's no nuance with that one. You know, is it the clitoris? Yeah, I think it's like they're taking a biopsy easy. And before you start talking about Africa, let's maybe

we should move on to something. It's just totally no copy. Just like we should totally shift gears. And anyway, yeah, yeah. There's nothing they do to women. Like there's nothing they do to us. There's nothing they do. There's absolutely we're getting off scot free.

We we're not oppressed enough to deserve to earn a fucking pickup truck float at the pride parade. No, you whore. Jesus, I understand your point. Fucking pick-up truck float the pride parade When women get born they there's no Circumcision esque equivalent, correct? Well, they cut the belly button. They cut your belly button stick What are the dick of the woman. Yeah. We get that cut, too. Yeah. Yeah. There's no there's no. So for one second, you guys are equal.

You guys have it better than us. I'd like to have one in and I'd like to have my I say keep it. Make it mandatory. God damn it. Take something from you all. I'd like to have my cord. You'd like to have your yeah. And your appendix. You and your little strings and. Luke Luke Luke goes to the hospital.

He's like, can I get my tonsils, my appendix and my foreskin? And throw the cord in. I bet they keep it like they must keep it in the hospital. Now it falls off, I think. The cord falls off. Yeah, it dries up. Wouldn't it be funny if Luke goes away and then we just see him in two years, he's leading the keep the cord movement. Did any thought did anyone when your when your child?

No, keep the cord in the back and a cord. They're connecting like Avatar, you know, the heart tree. Trying to suck your own dick when you're sucking your own. Yeah, like, give me that placenta. Now, I did that. You guys, would you ever eat your own placenta? What is it? It's like birth fluid or something. People do eat placenta. It's like a little organ. Hummus? Yeah.

Well, there was an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians where Kim Kardashian tries to trick her family into eating her placenta. Yeah, I knew a lady in Portland who made her placenta into hummus. That's why Kanye is the way he is. He ate placenta by accident. Made him crazy. He got like mad cow disease from her pussy. Wait a minute, wait a minute. You've eaten placenta hummus? No, I just know a lady who made placenta hummus.

Is it bad for you? Why did she make placenta jello? Well, first of all, think about it, Ian. You don't have to just you can put garbanzo beans in it. You can put tahini in it. You can make it a normal consistency of hummus. Just add a little placenta. Think about the tahini you can put in it. I mean, you're not let's not get crazy over here. Yeah, but why not something like more like a, like a rhubarb placenta pie? That seems...

You want to get to stay true to the original form. Yes. Now you're talking. Now you're talking my language. Like a... I can't speak to it. What is placenta shaped like? I'm not the gourmand here.

Okay, that's... you can speak to it. You can maybe make us a souffle or something. Yeah, you've been around more placenta than us. And he's always in the kitchen. Yeah, right. Yeah, I didn't get a chance to cook my wife's placenta. Well, you had a chance, but you fucking blew it. I blew it, yeah. Yeah, idiot.

I burned it. What's that smell? Oh, fuck. I burned the... Oh, my boss is coming over for dinner and I burned the. Oh, fuck. I burned the... My boss is coming over for dinner and I burned the placenta. The alarm's going off. You gotta... Where can I get placenta? It lights your boobs on fire like Mrs. Stafford. It's like a sitcom.

He needs some help in there, honey. Everything's fine. Where the fuck am I gonna get placenta? He needs to go back to the hospital. He needs 20 minutes. Going through a directory looking for takeout placentas. Honey, where the fuck am I gonna get? It's gonna steal a window sill like it's a pie Yeah, I don't know what it looks like I think it's I think it's a sack SAC, okay, yeah, yeah. And it's like in the city. So it's like. It's probably got the consistency of Jell-O. Probably, but it's probably could be filled with a liquid,

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Who sponsors you, by the way? Do you guys get big names? We got no, we got who do we have this week, Ethan? I actually don't want to talk about it, but I like the producer of my show found like a potential sponsor for us that like wanted to buy ad time. And it was like for this Web browser. And I was like, I think that's for people who want to look at child pornography. Yeah, it was like you can browse the Web discreetly and people don't track you.

Oh, BPN. I think so. Something like that. Yeah. And I was like, what is that? Who is this for? Because they were like, never mind. Yeah. We're like, we don't want to be a sussy.

We don't really want to be a sussy. That's hilarious. Oh, my God. Sean McCarthy's on the show. I don't think so. That's not really for us. Yeah, and then he like ghosted us. But I was like, sure. What's your site for? Are you guys on the silver CP?

Yeah. I mean, I just think it'd be cool if the podcast was sponsored by like things that, you know, big networks are sponsored. Like if your podcast is sponsored by big pharma, you know, yeah. Like what podcasts are sponsored by Big Pharma or like, I don't know, Petco or something, you know? I'm saying, like I feel like there's all these podcast advertisers, but like nobody's sponsored by like. A big name. A big name, you know?

Yeah, no one's like the Toyotathon. Yes. Yeah. Nestle, exactly. So look into that, honestly. That'd be interesting. Like I know more liquid death. Give me I did I would love some free bunch of crunch sometime. Yeah, why don't you crunch it be great? Oh, I love bunch of what if we ran cereal ads like legit commercials you kind of look like you are trying to get your crunched. You get

the fuck. I want more spaghetti. You can eat like, give me your spaghetti. Oh, crunching. He's like, no. And he's like, all right, I'll just go watch some gay porn. I guess the most perverted like cereal. He's like, I I just go do drugs All right, no Let's go to the highway rest stop. I mean up with some of my boys if I can't get the the fruttiose Hey, it's the fight at the five stir the fights are trying to steal our cereal

Oh man. Mr. Gattabit Poppers. He's like the trick's rabbit but he's trying to get poppers. No, no, no. It's like he can't get the cereal so he's like I'll just settle for some poppers. And he gives them so fast. And the kid's like what's spaghetti okra? I'm reading through this. Honeycomb, honeycomb, me want man-cum.

He's like you guys ever hear of Thomas Sowell He's a good man I like, I do Thomas Sowell is great You kids watch Gutfeld I don't watch Gutfeld I'm gonna go have some gay sex and watch Gutfeld I'm gonna go have some gay sex and watch Gutfeld

I don't watch Gutfeld I don't watch Gutfeld I don't watch Guthrone. I just agree with everything that you do. I bet you do. I just close my eyes. I bet you do when you're in a hotel room or something, you probably throw it on. Nope. Forensic Files nonstop. Okay. Wait a minute. Forensic Files, Home Life Network, 100% That's a fun watch home life network, a hundred. Home life network? Yeah.

Home life network. HLN? I thought that was headline news. No. What? Yeah. HLN is headline news. No. HLN is home life network. What is the whole, what are they, what is that?

They play forensic files on loop 24 hours a day. What I was going to say was- And then they turn to CNN at- Yeah, it's because it's like- Called headline news. 5 a.m. Can you look it up? I bet it's Home Life Network.

Yeah, it's actually because it's called fucking headline news. Fuck! Oh shit! Ian's like, Fruity us is part of this complete breakfast! And it's a bowl of cereal, like a butt plug, and some drugs. Some drugs.

Drugs! Just so bad. Whatever. A needle. A needle. Just a needle. Oh yeah. Like do you put the cereal or the cum in the bowl first?

Oh man. A gun. I like to eat mine with cum. Yeah. By the way, I was in the park in San Francisco and I was like leaning back. It was like a beautiful day. I was on a hill in this park,

like near the full house house and I put my hand on a full needle. Oh yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. Am I, is that okay? No, you should see a doctor when the needle went in your hand. It did go in your hand. It's a couple years ago now. I mean, but Luke, we've had sex. I mean, I probably find everybody. I was, I freaked out and everybody I was with was like, it's fine. It's fine. But mean, I'm probably fine. Everybody I was, I freaked out. Everybody I was with was like, it's fine, it's fine. But, you know. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Did you go like this, and you touched it, or did it go like in your hand? First of all, if I saw a needle on the ground, why would I go, ah? I'm giving you, you said you. I leaned back like this, you know, with my hands, kind of behind my back. Was it parallel to your hand,

or was it like perpendicular to like it? I felt a poke. Oh, Luke. I'm probably OK. Now he's on the watch. I felt so funny if you got AIDS before I did. That would be such a gift from God. Is that a bet you can make a fan duel? Yeah, that would be amazing. No, I think I'm going to be a good Christmas, honey.

I bet on Luke, Monas getting AIDS before Ian. And guess what? Our number finally came in. Luke Monas got AIDS. It looks like we can get that bike for little Bobby. Luke has a full-blown AIDS. We're going a point plus at this store. A point plus. Bobby. We're going to point pleasant. Oh, man, we're getting the big. We're getting out of the balcony. Oh, man.

I think I'm fine. I've gotten blood tests and stuff. I think it would come up. Yeah, it must have been so scary. It was so scary. And at the time, I think I was like it was. What year was this? It was twenty nineteen. It was during Clusterfest. Oh, yeah. The old Clusterfest.

Yeah, sounds like a clusterfuck if you ask me. Damn right. I haven't heard that in a long time. What's what was Clusterfest? Clusterfest was a Comedy Central festival that ran for like two years and then I believe imploded. It went nowhere. Yeah.

It just stopped happening. It's something we all stress ourselves out about. It just didn't matter. Yeah, it's really actually a good representation of how you should think, cause it's just like, it disappeared like a sandcastle in the wind. It really did.

Right, right, right. Everything. Everything does. Everything, everything dies except for us. Yeah. Baby, that's a fact. Maybe some thing someday. Well, this podcast is like the most fun I've had all week, you know? Oh, cool. But then I'm going to leave here and I'm going to go home to my family and want to kill myself again. Well, I was going to continue singing Atlantic City by

I was gonna continue singing Atlantic City by Spring Stream. Put your makeup on, fix your hair up pretty, and meet me tonight in Atlantic City. Luke has his placenta attached to his belly. I didn't realize that was so weird. Upside, inside, out, living la vida loca. Every which way out, living la vida loca. That was uh... Did you guys ever want to get plastic surgery to look like a guy that a girl you liked had a crush on? Oh, that's a good question. That's a great question.

Whoa. No. No. But I want to hear the story. That's a great question because it's fucking insane. Absolutely not. I know, but I want to hear the story. No, wait, you said you wanted to get plastic surgery to look like a guy that a girl I had to crush on like Crush on like Triple H No Gavin Rosdell and then a different one liked Imagine coming to school in eighth grade

Like in your 30s you still have the face of like a 12 year old boy you wanted to look trying to look like Like in your 30s, you still have the face of like a 12 year old boy that you wanted to look like. Trying to look like Amon Oswell. I think it would be, I've always said it would be funny to get a crazy amount of plastic. If I got like the behind the candelabra plastic surgery and my face just looked crazy. If I just showed up one day, just pulled up and was just looked at. You got really in the capes. Yeah, I started wearing capes. You could wear capes.

But who was the guy that the girl had a crush on? What? If you showed up with a cape, nobody would bat an eye. It was Gavin Rossdale from OK. Bush. Yeah. What kind of plastic surgery did you wanna get? Huh?

What kind of plastic surgery did you wanna get? I just wanted to look like him, cause the girl I like ended up- He and his friend dragged him in a car to get to her? Wait, I thought that was a kid in your class. Who's this guy? I don't know. Gavin Rossdale was the singer of Bush.

Oh, I thought you were just talking about some kid in your class. I thought you just wanted to like change your face to like another boy. I was like, that's weird. No, that's really fucking crazy. I didn't know who this guy was. That's why I was like now I would kill him like a 12 year old. I heard you have a crush on Tyler. He's undoing the bandages. I had a plastic surgeon make my face look like Tyler.

Did you ever want to turn into another boy so someone would love you? I thought that's what you were saying. I didn't know it was like, yeah, I wanted to look like a celebrity. Hey, look what I spent my mom's retirement on. Just like, looks insane. Delaware's finest plastic surgeon. Just a guy, just a guy doing, who's the dentist in his house? Did your dentist operate out of his house?

This is a, no. What? That's a lot of people do. That's more of a New York thing. This is a, this is such a good lesson in lesson in self acceptance. A girl I liked in sixth grade loved Gavin Rossdale. I wanted to get plastic surgery to look like him. I wanted to look like him. He didn't even start dressing like him. He just went right to plastic surgery. But I didn't. I ended up not getting the plastic surgery. Yeah. Being who I am.

And then at 25, we ended up dating. Whoa. Oh, yeah. I don't know if that's much of a life lesson. You never know what life has in store. You just got to stay true to yourself. Yeah. You telling this to a groupie. So the moral of the story is if she loves you, you don't have to do it.

Dude, imagine you're in seventh... If you can't get her, go ahead and do it. Imagine you're in seventh grade and a girl's like, you know, you have a huge crush on Nick DiPaolo. You go to the plastic surgeon, you're like, so, you know, he's shy. He's black, huh? You come into school like Hans Stover with like slick back hair and spray tan. Like, how do you want to fuck Nick DiPaulo?

Noted sex symbol Nick DiPaulo. A girl with a gas digital sticker in her locker like, oh. Ian, you're just like a brother to me. I can feel like I can tell you anything. Oh, what the fuck? There we go. That's good. Oh, this fucking globalist. You want to suck my cock now?

Cock. Oh, man. What is that? A Barbie? It's a Down Syndrome Barbie. Someone really? Jordan. Yeah. It's nice. It's awesome. Can I make a note? Where is she? Oh, sorry. No, I was just saying there's too much stuff.

Come on. I don't think so. It's the Delaware Den. There's so much stuff. I would do a face. It's the man who saved every body part that's ever fallen off of him. Put it in the drawer. I'm just saying it's like there's a lot of clutter. I would even this. There's a bunch of people don't know's like there's a lot of clutter. I would even this. There's a bunch of people don't know but there's a bunch of bags over there. If the fans knew how many bags there were.

This is fan mail. It's all stuff sent from the fans. People cancel the Patreon when they find out how many bags are over there. It's fan mail. It's a bunch of stuff. I'm sure it is. I'm sure it is. You know how I hoard body parts? You have too much clutter in your basement.

You have too many framed posters. You guys never thought about keeping your baby teeth or anything? I'm sure my mom did. Your dad's never drained your pimples into a big jar. I think you ever think about keeping your number ones? Did you guys flush your your your your number ones when you were a kid? No, we put them under the pillow because of the tooth fairy. Oh, number one. Yeah.

My grandparents, we didn't flush. We didn't flush TTS to save money. Smart, though, to save money. You live in a campground. I heard about a guy, though, that in college was like peeing in a this like a reddit post or something. He was like peeing in jars to like save, I don't know, time. And he put him on the air conditioner and it like fumigated it back into the room

and he'd like get one of his lungs removed. Cause he was like breathing in piss right here. Oh my God. What's his mind's own piss? Nice story. He like aerosolized his own piss back into his body. Please don't put piss on your windows. If you want to buy me something.

I drink my own piss. I wanted to look cool with other kids, so I breathed in my piss for a year. For the love of God, you was amazing. It's the guy from the weed commercial with no bones. Now I'll never look and sound like Nick DePaulo. I breathed my own pee. I don't have any bones. I don't have any bones. I don't have any bones.

Damn, I have a story that's similar, but it's not as good. Is it about you? No, no, no. What is it? It's not as good as Maddie's story. Sorry, I'm coughing so much. You're OK. I have asthma. I got my butt pissed in the AC. I don't know what you want me to tell you.

What is it? Well, my uncle's a private investigator, so he'll like, you know, follow people around and he has to piss in like Dunkin Donuts cups. So he just. Why can't he go to a bathroom? Because he'll be like staked out. He'll be like on a stakeout following someone who's trying to just trying to commit insurance fraud or something. Right. Yeah. So he has to piss insurance fraud or something. Right. Yeah.

So he has to piss in Dunkin' Donuts cups. Imagine he gets some mid piss and he's like, hey, stop right there. And he spills the fucking cup of shit. No, because he wouldn't he wouldn't take them out of his car. He'll just sit in his car for like 10 hours a day and listen to conservative talk radio and piss in Dunkin' Donuts cups. And my grandma's like, my fucking grandma's like, oh, Brian works so hard.

But he just he would forget to like take the cups out of his car. The acid from his urine would burn through the cups. He just spilled piss all over his car. That's so gross. Wait, is he like that acidic or is he was he there's something wrong with him. Like burn through the styrofoam. Yeah. So why didn't you take it out at the end of the day?

Because he's a fucking scumbag. Probably a pedophile. He sees a guy going to his car without it, without it, without crutches. Hey, oh, shit. He starts shit he starts breathing loses both his lungs oh man so who knew it's bad to breathe in piss fumes that's so funny your grandma's like brian works so hard he's basically a cop yeah he's basically a cop.

He's almost a cop. Well, you know, it's really funny. His wife, my aunt was a state trooper, but he never was a state trooper. But on their business card, it said, like, we're retired New Jersey state troopers. So he would like steal valor. But that is a cool job.

If he probably has a gun, right? Yeah, yeah, he carries a gun and he like sees if people are. Yeah. Doing that. Yeah. He was like gun and he like sees if people are doing that. Yeah. He was like, I went to Trent and I was doing a stakeout and some black guys came up to my car and I had my gun. I was ready. Ready to use it. We're like, oh, cool. I know what a story. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Literally. Yeah. Yeah. It's also crazy. Is it my son that guy? Charges of piss and a gun. He's like, don't steal my fucking piss, dude. The cops are coming for your piss. Walking up and going, sir, is everything okay? Search for you, dude.

Sir, is there cold or coming from the car? Are you all right? Fucking black. I've never come so close to throwing up a couple of times for different reasons. I feel like the last time we did this podcast together, you told a story about you laughed so hard you threw up. To me, this is like a core part of your personality.

I do actually have a serious gag reflex and I did Mike Cabrussi and Diego Lopez podcast and they had, they tried energy drinks and they pulled out the C4 Starburst flavored energy drink and I threw up. Why? Whoa. I don't know, if I smell certain things,

it just makes me throw up. It's almost like you have AIDS or something. It all changed when I put my hand on the needle. I mean, do I have AIDS? Am I going to be OK? Find out next week on VE. To Be Continued. It's a special, special summer two parter.

I mean, Jordan on the lake right now. And then getting off the lake and just being told by like. You need to do a black screen that says To Be Continued. Jordan's told like Bush on 9-11 that I. Someone goes up to Jordan. She's she's going like this. She's why she did, because she gave it to you. No, that's just her being alerted to.

I don't know. It just came into my mind. You wouldn't really know how to react, probably. No, I don't think she'd know. It would have been funnier if you didn't interrupt. Sorry. It was funny. It was funny. OK, you're probably right. I could take criticism. I don't have an ego about that stuff.

Man, I don't care. For the God. I'm positive. Do you remember when we went to pumps? I think so, me and you. What is, the two of you went to pumps? What is that? The two of you went to a strip club.

We were both single and I opened for rescue one of the girls. I opened for Mike, I opened for Mike at like a, it was like a moose lodge in like Westchester. So it was like it was like a it was like a pub or something. And then you drove back and you're like, hell yeah. Nice. I was just thinking about that. I don't remember that, but I haven't been there in a long time. Probably. I would definitely do that. Maddie, would you, would you be down to go to punch, sure. If it was this crew, I actually would do it.

I actually remember going in. Let me see how much cash I have. Twenty. One. That's enough. That's enough. Well, it's no cover. Twenty one, two, twenty seven, thirty two, thirty seven, thirty eight, thirty nine, forty, forty one 32, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43.

I got 44 bucks, let's go. Hey, let's go. Yeah, you're gonna, in Pumpster, like the Monopoly Man. I did get one of the girls' phone numbers one time there. Here comes Mikey Scott, an important uncle. His Uncle Brian. Hey, I'm Brian's nephew. Ask your boss.

Tell me how Brian's nephew is here. So what do you do with all the piss? He actually burned a couple holes in my dashboard. That sounds really dangerous. Oh, Ryan is a state trooper, right? New Jersey state trooper. Oh, God. That sounds really dangerous.

Oh, that's funny. I don't know why I thought of that. I was just... Going to Pomp's would be fun. I haven't been there in forever. I guess I don't really remember, but I was probably a thing where I was like, hey, this will be really cool.

And then I'm sure it wasn't that cool. Dude, me and Chris Coppo... That was fun. That was a will be really cool. And then I, I'm sure it wasn't that cool. Me and Chris Coppo, me and Chris Coppo, I did, uh, we did comedy connection in Rhode Island on the way back. You're like, you know what, let's go to a strip club. And we went to the Foxy lady, right? And I, I'm, I wasn't, I got one of the girls that give me a massage sitting in the chair, you know, they make the, I'll go go around and massage you. Right. She's like, massage me and I hear Scope go over.

Chris Scope was like, so what's the best sandwich to get in Providence? So what's the best sandwich to get in Providence? I heard him go, well, if you, when you get service, follow me on Instagram. My damn phone won't work. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Was it? Yeah. Was it in?

See, I don't even know if going if you and I went to a strip club now, I don't even know if that would be fun or sad or what? I haven't been to one probably. I haven't been to one in a long time. What year was this? 2015? Whoa. Yeah. 2014. If you're in a relationship, do you feel like it's weird to go to a strip club? Yeah. But if you get permission, I guess it's fine. Permission? Yeah. You should tell your wife about the things you're doing. You shouldn't have secrets from your partner.

That's why I don't got no partner. Yeah. No secrets. A little bit sad. A little bit of a sad turn in the podcast. Don't gotta let anyone know where I am. I go to pumps anytime I want. If I can't get cereal, I go to pumps.

You guys got any spaghetti? Spaghetti juice? They feed it out from like as a cat to struggle. I'm like, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'm like, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'm like, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'm like, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'm like, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

I'm like, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'm like, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'm like, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'm like, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'm like, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'm like, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'm like, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'm like, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'm like, I'm I go to pumps. You guys got any spaghetti? Spaghetti? Spaghetti juice? They feed it out from like, there's a cat at the struggle. I do automatic feed. They put out his favorite cereal and he's a fucking feral cat, girls.

He's at the bar. It's feeding time. Oh no, I don't need a drink. I'm sober. I don't need a drink, I'm sober. I don't do drugs anymore. I just eat strip club cereal out of the bowl like a doggy. Yeah, I'm like, okay, I'm not in love, nobody knows I'm here. The food at Pumps is really good, man. It actually is really good, better than... Girls, what when I tell you a feet in the mascot

Come on you put out food they're gonna they're gonna keep coming around I call the city. You call 3-1-1. 3-1-1. Can we get the health department out here? I need someone out here. There's a guy with a mustache. He's wearing blue spandex from head to toe. He seems to be some kind of cereal mascot. I think he's living in the walls. He seems to be purple.

He's like half man, half animal. He's got big antennas. And he's eating cereal off the floor. I mean, there's got to be some kind of law against that. Eric Adams is like, we will clean up this city. And we will take... We're going to get rid of the cereal mess. Oh, god. It's just, it's, I remember being a lot smaller than I thought it would be.

Because I've been to like, you know, scores and stuff. Scores is on like Grand Street near like the industrial part. It's like spores. Scores is like a gas station is on Grand and metropolitan molds. It's like the part of Brooklyn that smells like melting plastic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh shit. That's what it says on the side. Find us in the bottom of Brooklyn that smells like dirt. Follow the melting plastic smell.

Follow the smell. Before GPS, that's how you would find it. Yeah, you'd have a hound. You'd have a dog. Here boy, come on. It's Ian on a leash. You have a big flashlight, you have a search party, a long line of people. Kegs under like a St. Bernard.

You have a bell full of comms. Oh God. Oh man. I took care of a say, Bernard. Recently, it's like it's like having a horse in your house. Yeah, I would see one around Brooklyn. It's huge. How the hell did that happen? His friend is a Bernard that we watched him when her friend went on

vacation and it came in the house. I was not prepared for how big it was. I was like, this is crazy. It was actually just two UCB guys in a costume because they need a place to live since UCB shut down. Yeah. Yeah, we fed them cereal on the floor. Yeah, it's a big dog, man.

It's definitely the biggest animal I've been around. Yeah. Besides like a horse or a moose. Besides a bigger animal. When have you been around a moose? Not in my house, but I bigger animal. When have you been around a moose? Not in my house, but I'm saying like, have you been around a moose? Never.

I've never seen one. I've been around an elephant. I rode on a camel once. Oh, excuse me. At a Renaissance fair. A camel? Would you sit between the bumps? Wait, maybe it was-

You sit on the bumps. They had camels and elephants. Maybe, I forget which one I rode. You sit on the bump? On the camel? I would assume in between you hold the bump like a... I thought you sat. That was no bump.

She rode a camel on Israel day at the local middle school. They're like, we're from the desert. What? Oh man. God. That's my voice. Oh man. That's my voice. Oh man. What the fuck is Israel Day? I don't know. I heard something about, somebody told me a story. What story? Where somebody I know is a nanny for like a wealthy Jewish family in LA. And they had like Israel Day at their school and they brought a camel into the school.

Cause they were like, we're from the desert. Yeah. Cause you know, they all, they like think they're from the desert. They think they're like indigenous to the desert. All right. Right? Come on, that's a thing.

You said elephant though. What? I think he's like, you know, Campbell. Oh, all right. We can cut this part out. You can make a note of that. We're having so much fun. I think please tell me

keep forgetting. He said, please help. I keep forgetting. Oh, my God. I keep forgetting what business I'm in. I guess. The fact that someone was like, hey, we love the pie. We'd love to give you some money.

All you guys do is just say our website. Yeah, but do you use it for child pornography? Well, that's what it seemed like. What else would it be for, Ian? Also, your friend just went to the web browser before. Your friend babysitting a Jewish family and they're like, I don't know what it was. Probably Israel Day or something.

It's just a birthday party. Yeah, they probably fucking Israel Day. No, no, no. Seeing three Jews, what is it? Fucking Israel Day? We started throwing bottles at them. I can have her verify it if you want. Oh gosh. Alright. I'll have her I can have her verify it if you want

We'll have a little disclaimer in the Fuck that's funny Yes, you wrote a camel How do we get on that though? Excuse me, but how do you not know? I know disrespect to the great people of Israel. Thank you. You're very intelligent. Alright, you're coming around. Alright, thank you. We're going to AI you like those Biden clips.

Oh, by the way, he's dead. You guys are good at science. No, he's not, dude. He's not dead. He was wearing a mask. He's giving us a speech tomorrow. Now, that is a fun conspiracy. That is very fun.

It doesn't feel like... They're never real when that happens. People like Biden said he's a man in a mask. There are like serious people who are tweeting that he's dead. And it's like, oh, it's crazy. There's a video of him like he's yeah, he's old and he can't move. But like there's really one like, all right, you know, like today coming off the plane, getting in the car and it's like, how do you explain that?

And everyone's like, it's a man in a mask. Dude, there is a video of Biden. He's scratching the back of his head. Have you seen that? And it does look like a fold of a mask. I think it could be that they are hiding that he has a serious disease, but I don't think he's another guy wearing a mask. I want it to be. Is that crazy? It's just, it's Harry Siss guy wearing a mask. Is that fair? I want it to be.

Is that crazy? It's Harry Siss in a mask. Oh, is that the kid who works for you? The shill. It's like, Biden's fine, guys. And then now he's like mentally retarded. He's like, well, he's whatever. Both those kids are going to hell.

They're terrible. Who are they? They're like two Gen Z guys who do influencer stuff. Chris Mowry is the other one. Is it Chris? It is interesting. It is interesting that everybody's my my goat. Yeah.

Everybody up until he said he was going to leave was like, he's the he's I mean, not everybody, but all his people were like, he's the guy. He's he's going to take it. You know, he's fine. Oh, yeah. How do you not watch him? Well, I don't want to. There's a whole party of like democracy is in shambles. Democracy is on the line. And then they prop a guy up in the dark of night, take over, get him out of office.

And then now we don't have a choice. He goes in to me how that's which is not democracy. I almost think it's better, though. It's like they listen to people being like, honestly, they didn't listen to me. Honestly, so you're not excited to vote for a black woman? No, I actually do. You're not excited to vote for a mentally retarded black woman.

She's West Indian. Aren't you excited to vote? Go back to Israel. You're not excited for a black woman with Down syndrome? Who's full on. Well, come on, she is a little. She look cookie in the insane of the membrane. Come on, Maddie.

Maddie, come on, she's a little me. Why is it me? Why is it me? Can we have sounds of silence play? Hello, darkness. Yeah, I don't know. It is funny to think that it's just somebody in a mask.

It's so funny. It's like a day laborer. I'm wanting to think that it's just somebody in a mask acting like Biden. It's so funny to me. It's like a day laborer. It'd be like a Mission Impossible style mask. It'd be so good. Yeah. It's probably easier to do a mask of an old person though. It's like wrinkly and...

True. You know what I mean? America people need to know that I got HIV. That's me. Also, I just want to go back. It's not better that they listen. They didn't listen. They should have listened a year and a half, two years ago

when he started becoming when he started breaking down and people started saying, hey, this isn't like they made us lie to ourselves because we saw with our own eyes him becoming absolutely decrepit. And they're going, no, he's fine. He's fine. The debate. No, the debate was just it was off night. And now all of a sudden, oh, they listen.

Oh, I don't think they're fucking sure. I have fucking losers. I think I had to say that, though, because then it's like if he did end up staying in and they started questioning him publicly, then you're fucked. You know what I mean? Politics. No, I don't. I love it. We really get into the political issues. Oh, sorry, we're not talking about Israel Day again.

You fucking loser. It's all right, we got more show to do. I'll sneak it into the conversation again. I'll find a way to sneak it in. It's just funny to imagine that Biden is now Luke in a mask. You're still. I did're still I did it. I did it.

Well, you do a good Biden. You do do it. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Thanks. You know, last time I was on this podcast, you guys said I was really bad at singing. Well, you are. He's taking lessons. Damn right. Sing a song. Biden gives the speech. He takes out the mask, it's Luke doing karaoke.

I'd like you all to admit that I am good at singing Everclear Santa Monica. I like Everclear. Sing a song, Luke. Yeah, I did karaoke for my birthday. It's fine. You gotta sing something that's in your range. What was your birthday? June 21st. Oh, happy birthday. What's your karaoke song my birthday. It's fine. You got to sing something that's in your range June 21st What's your karaoke song? I did more rap songs than you were in town, but I did deliverance by Bubba Sparks That was a lot of fun. Whoa, and then I did um

Country grammar by Nelly, which is like I was winded at the end of that because it's like so fast and high energy I could see I could see a fucking going on my Instagram explore page and a video of Racine rapping pops up. But it's like, can you believe this white guy raps like this? And he's like a hip hop, hippie, hippie, hip hip hop. You don't stop rocking. And you just like nail it. That's how I start selling tickets. I finally figured out how to sell tickets. I need to rap. I need to do early 90s rap. Yeah.

And then me and Deb did Always on Time by Ja Rule. So she sang the Ashanti parts and I did the Ja Rule part. I was like, I think you're crazy. Which that I'll say that took a lot out of me. That took a lot out of me. Yeah. Let's go. How did it sound? How did it go? Well, let me look up the lyrics. Which that, that, I'll tell you, that took a lot out of me. That took a lot out of me, yeah. Let's go. How did it sound?

How did it go? Well, let me look up the lyrics. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look this up. Luke, you do the Ashanti part. I forget the, you know. Were you Ashanti? I'm not always there when you call.

Oh, I know the lyrics. I'm just self-conscious in this room. No, don't be. Jordan's not here. Jordan really was against my singing. Don't blame it on her. Okay, you were against my singing. We both were. But we were all about redemption on the show.

I sang on the show. I'm not sure if it was on the podcast or if it was on the Patreon, but either way, I felt like it was... You're a good singer. It was just funnier to say you weren't. Oh, there you go. So I am a good singer. I sing American Pie. So let's hear you sing the Ashanti part. I don't know. I don't know. Like Mike says, on my range, I'm trying to pull it up on YouTube. That's some background music. Yeah, it's too bad. No, you can't do that.

We'll get to monetize. Oh, really? Yeah. All right. So you're going to have to do acapella. Yeah, we're in an underground bunker. An undisclosed location. Yeah. Why? You don't like is tapped in. It's a come on and get a piece of this. Hey, now, let me see foliar. I don't remember the words.

Come on and get a piece of this. Hey, now, you know, the one is swing dick like no other shit. I know I got a lot of things I need to explain. But baby, you know, the name and love is about pain. I'm not that Jersey past the pot of seats. I love what the music. It's hard to do. I'm not that familiar with the song. I have to say. Get a grip. Come on, put it together.

It's only a sunshine. We've been the worst weather like the stormy nights. You wrote a DJ letter and took my bands and key and cut the leather bitch. Now I don't approve of that. I'm not. I am down with that. I ain't I ain't down with calling a woman the B word.

You know better. We live M.O.B. money over bitches murder. I can see you guys get that part. You guys get the idea. You guys get the idea. I'm not always there when you start singing like that. There you go. I'm always on time. I didn't really. What is it?

We just went to do a dim someplace. Oh my God. Are you OK? Yeah, I'm OK. I'm OK. What have you got? What have you got in your concussion? The nail goes through his head.

Dude, I carry my kid on my shoulders all the time and I finally smacked his head on something. Yeah. Yeah. Made like a big flack, but he was, he was three. I bless you. Did you sing his tears away in the voice of John? You paid his fine. Don't worry about it. Don't tell your mother cause. I'm like no other. Don't tell your mother. Let's get some cereal. If Ian didn't steal it. Ian's crouched over the garbage. Oh my God. I got a lot of content out of this one. Yeah. I'm screen recording this the whole episode. Posted on my.

Well, why don't we. Yeah, it's about why don't we wrap up? Oh, can any of you stay? We have to do a Patreon, right? Can any of you stay to do a Patreon? We won't go past an hour. I'm sure Maddie has spots. I have a spot at like 840. That's fine. You know, Maddie's got spots, but I'm good, baby.

All right. Let's pick a different rapper for me to... Let's wrap up. Why don't you wrap your plugs in the voice of a coolio gangsters paradise When? Oh alright Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho My name is Mike Racine and I'm black. Mike, no, stop. And I have a podcast. It's called Out for Smokes. Oh, my God, it's hard. You don't have to do it.

How does Brendan Sagalow do this? How is Brendan Sagalow so good at rapping? He's actually, he's really good. And I have a special out and it a special called it's on YouTube. And you get used to watch it. Thanks. Yes, I was so good at rapping. He's really good at rap. Yeah, I see. I actually yeah, he could be like a comedy

rap. I mean, he is. But I just mean that he could see. Totally. Mention the name of your special. It's called I'm Normal. And this episode has proven anything but. We'll be right back. We'll be right back for the last two minutes of the show.

What does that mean? What does that mean exactly? Yeah, what does it mean? Is this the knife that got you in trouble? No. TSA? No. My name. My name? I don't know what you're No. My name was my name. Did you say your name and your favorite color and

what are we doing about in second grade? I totally forgot how to plug. I was looking at my name is Luke. Yeah, my age, sex and location. Yes, please. No, Luke. Monas explained is my podcast and I have I don't have a special. I have my album, I guess, but that's not really.

Luke Monas, you're going to see. He got a podcast. Explain it to me. All right. It's hard. It's hard. It's hard. What do you want? I got to get you in's hard. It's hard. Rob, things are. What do you want to get you in the studio? Fuck your turn. I got a podcast called Phone is in the bag and I'm on Instagram.

I don't know why I got scared. What does that mean? It's all right. For sure. Backwards. Yeah, is it? I think so. Right. That's what you punch me. No, I think so. Right. That's what you punch with. No, I think that's wrong.

You were totally wrong. Easy. Well, now, Luke, turn it around so that the stabby parts on the other side. What do you use for like self-defense? I used to have pepper spray, but then I went to the hospital for an asthma attack and they made me throw it away. So you can kind of come and get me right now. I would not I would not do that to you what? Can't you say like like I'm?

Give her a giant check We cut a big ripen just as no rape a big rip in. Just as no rape. That's so annoying, the girls get their peppers break confiscated. Do you what do you use for self-defense? Yeah, look, look, look, there's these baby. Look, they made a blank card based on the thing you have. AIDS in North America.

Oh, no. I was trying to do that. What are your blogs? What are your blogs? Phonos in the Bag podcast and I'm Maddie T. Wiener on Instagram and I got a mailing list for my tour dates. Hell yeah. And I'm calling this right now. This was a classic B&E episode. We did so many great bits. Luke has AIDS, the serial mascot.

What is this? What is this? Israel Day. All these a lot of Ja Rule. It's coming down like an old CD commercial. Mike says it's in yellow, but all the other things are in white. Many, many classic pitfalls. So keep listening to the podcast you're listening to. Don't change that. Don't touch that search bar. Don't get my special Ian finance, wild, happy and free on the podcast page. YouTube. I animal six

down on Instagram, punch up dot live slash Ian finance for all my dates and tickets. This weekend I am in Fort Collins, Colorado at the Comedy Fort. And then I'm going to lap Boston, Winnipeg, tons of dates going all over Columbus, Cleveland, Cincinnati, Ianfiedats.com for all my dates, sketches, tickets, sketches. I haven't done a sketch. We've heard of a hundred blogs! Ianvites.com for the banana phone sketch for 2015. Which by the way is hilarious. You know the sketch? No. What?

Oh sorry. But there's a sketch where Ian's carrying a TV up Metropolitan Avenue and he drops it and then everyone comes to help him out and he picks up a banana and goes Mom I fell. Really? That's funny.

That was Tom Cassidy's note. He said, pull out, pull out the banana like a phone. Dropping a TV. That's very funny. Yeah. People were so concerned. Now I'm just describing videos you made. You can see that sketch and more at eNfinance.com.

Yeah. Is that even a lot? Does that website even work? Yeah. I tried, I went to eNfinance.com and my computer shut down. Oh, and Ian and I did a little short together. It's called Little Star. It's on YouTube with my kid.

Little Star? I thought it was called Welvin or Wien, Wienis. I know. The title is not your character, Ian. Oh, sorry. That's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy. I thought it was called the Ian finance sketch.

Yeah. I mean, that's good. I thought it was called the Ian time. All right. Thanks a lot for listening, everybody. I steal your outro. Thanks, everybody. This is a classic episode of Ian Ian.

Sort of a classic.