Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Ep106: Goiter Guy W/ Sam Morril & Gary Vider

Episode Date: August 7, 2024

Hey, everybody, come see us on the road. Punch up dot live slash Ian finance for Collins, Colorado, Boston, Massachusetts, Winnipeg, Canada, San Antonio, Texas, Columbus, Cincinnati. I'm coming to you. Get tickets right now to see me and to see you. I'm pretty much going to exactly those places. I'm going to Colorado for Collins. I'm going to Ohio. I'm going to Colorado, Fort Collins. I'm going to Ohio. I'm going to Austin. I'm going to

you bunch up that live slash Jordan Jansen. Milwaukee improv as well in September. Bye bye. Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride when you're being Ian, being Ian? Life is shit but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a life being Ian, being Ian with Jordan. I know I'm really sorry, dude. I had no time. All right. Blow it. Is it scary?

No, no, no. Both of you are Jewish. know. That was a good one. Both of you are Jewish. Is this a celebration or is that mockery? I don't know. It's a celebration. Hi, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of Be an Ian with Jordan.

We're on the ground. I say it like I get excited like a kid on a rollercoaster. We're here. Some of us are dry. Some of us are wet. But we're here to have fun. Thanks for freshening up for the guests. Listen. You smell terrific.

Yeah. You look like you play for the Netherlands in the Olympics. Yeah. Like the center. She looks like she's like taking the braid out would be make it better. But now it's just you look like the eighth grade girl that's like the number one all-star on the field hockey team. I just thought we were going to do a light workout and it wasn't... And you didn't take to bring a change of clothes? I was going to bring a change of clothes, but then I would have had to bring out shoes.

And if I bring shoes, then what's the point of changing the clothes? So I just left the shoes on. I was like, I'm going to have to leave the clothes on. I'm going to get that sweaty. And then I was dripping sweat. This I took off so that I could put it on and it was dry, but now it's immediately wet. Ian's brain dead because he got

into a horrendous car accident. Aren't you? Aren't you? Tell him. He sent me a picture of him standing next to a flipped car and was like this. And I thought, I was like, that's so rude. He just like walked up to somebody's accident

and is like, a car's upside down. But it was you that was upside down. Were you driving? Damn. Naples. He's being very- Naples, Florida? Naples, Florida is fucking city in the country.

I thought of you. Really? You text me. You're being a rapper about it. What do you mean I'm being a rapper about it? You just are. You didn't post online about it, which is so uncharacteristic. And every time somebody brings it up, you're

like, saw death. Yeah. Well, what happened? Why are you being so cool about it? Yeah, this just happened. Like, this happened. He's not being cool about it. He's being uncool by trying to be cool. No, I'm not. You were skilled.

I feel weird. I should have died. Explain how it happened. I got T-boned at an intersection and the fucking car. Yeah, I liked it. And I liked every second of it. You got... I got T-boned at an intersection. Was it T-boned or wasn't it side swipe, which is really weird?

T-boned is when the car hits you like that. He hit you like that? I thought he turned and swiped and rolled. I was making a left and he hit me. And he was driving and went in the turn lane and then started to make a left and then he swerved and went back into the middle lane. And I'd already been making my left so he hit me. And the car rolled and then it rolled twice. It rolled in the air, rolled twice on the ground.

Were you alone in the car? Alone in the ground We were alone in the car alone in the car Landed thing let no I wasn't kidding You you you Wasn't taxing yo, I paint the picture listen to Alanis more said Ignorant beat down hardcore is it ironic? And you know what it was I was a half hour away from the hotel because I was finding cheaper merch to print out posters. I looked for the cheapest place. And it was a half hour away at Fort Myers. So I was like, all right, I got a car ride. So let me break that

so far. Yeah, so I got T-bone and I just saw the guy and when he hit the car, I just remember going here I said out loud I go here we go and I just remember leaning to the left and next thing I know I'm hanging upside down From the seatbelt the car is full of smoke. There's glass everywhere People are shouting screaming a guy's hand is in the car go take my hand take my hand and I'm dangling like a fucking baby The baby and I go I go. on, let me get my cigarettes. Oh, no, you did not. I swear to God. That should be an ad for cigarettes.

That's so, that shows how addictive it is. So the guy yanks me out and I'm in a fucking daze, dude. The car's, you know, smoking, there's smoke everywhere. Someone said it was on fire. It's just from your mouth and the cigarettes. What's that? Just from you smoking all the time.

And did we see a car on fire? Yeah, that was crazy. We saw a car on fire like on fire. Yeah, we could go a different way because it was just a random car on fire. Chicago is doing great.

Yeah, and a lot of people's days. It was. Yeah. So then they're putting the EKG and slow down. What the man who reached in to pull him out. That's what I'm getting to. The guy that reached in to pull me out was homeless. And they're putting all these tests on me.

Touch the homeless guy. And the homeless guy comes out and goes, hey, I was the one that pulled you out of the car. I saved your life. I go, oh, thanks. Don't touch me. Can I get a couple of dollars? Can I have do you have anything? Can I get a cigarette? I have to say yes at this point. He didn't, thanks. You don't touch me. Can I get a couple of dollars? Can I have do you have anything? Can I get a cigarette? You kind of have to say yes at this point. Right. He didn't say yes. You didn't say yes.

No, I said beat it. How do you cheat death and then not give money? Yeah, you didn't. You're the only person almost dying not become a better person. Yeah. What the hell happened? Yeah, because I didn't know what the fuck was. I just knew that this guy was wanting money and I was like I get out of here get out like I was your homeless angel

Goes and shits in a bag Yeah, you're right. Maybe I should have given them some money Homeless enables that's a weird life. That's like the richest city in the country. Yeah, yeah And you're the most wealthy city and and you just fuck it's an awful city. Dude, look at this picture. Ethan, you can pop it up. It's fucking crazy. A few days before, I had lost Coyote in a park, and I had told him that I was like literally so scared

that I was asking my dead father to return her. And then he sends this text where he's like, my dad saved me today too. And then sends the flipped car, which is so funny that you were like, thanks dad, homeless man, you get zero. Isn't that crazy? Let me see. Wow. And that was a rental, I'm guessing.

Rental, thank God. Most people after near death experience, you're rethinking your life, I'm gonna be a better person. Immediately you're just like, I'm not helping anybody. Yeah, like an hour later, not like in the, I'm telling you, it was, I got yanked out of the car, walked over here, they sat me down,

they're giving me medical attention. And then he's yapping in my ear like, can I get a dollar? And I'm like, buddy, that's how hard it got dented. Wait, so you were on this. You were turning left. So they hit the. So you would be dead if they had been on your side. Yeah. And also, if I didn't have the seatbelt, I would have flown out the window and the car would have crushed me when it rolled.

Dude, outies are. Outie glasses are the sponsor of the show. Audi, Audi's are sick. The glasses are broken. Sponsor the show. Audi, dude, airbags came out of the wheel. They came out of the door. They came out of the window. They came out of the roof. It truly felt like I was being...

They brought a homeless guy to reach his hand in there. Yeah, the homeless guy was Audi sponsored. It truly felt like I was like laid into an air mattress. Like it was crazy. It was comfortable. It was comfortable. I liked it. I liked it so much I fell asleep. No, I blacked out and then I came to one. This was after one of the

shows. It was during the day Friday. Oh yeah, it was. Fuck. He called me like an hour before. I was like, I don't want to do the show. I hate it. I don't like this place. And then he, and then he got into an accident. And I remember being like, you're going to use this to get the shit. Aren't you? So this is the only city where the show is out. Yeah, I had to get to the hospital. Understandably. I had to get CAT scans, EKGs, fucking X-rays, all this shit. You're playing off the hook comedy club.

Yeah. That's the only place where the shows are worse than a car crash. Yeah. There it is. You hate Florida, right? You're the hater. No, Florida's a good part.

Florida's a real toss up state. You get either, it's like Connecticut. There's a couple really good cities in there. Not really, a couple, but I mean, the bad cities in Florida are like really bad. I just remember you sitting me down a few years ago when I was like, help me, and you were like, don't go here, don't go here, here is good,

here is bad, and I was like, this is. Just a map of Florida, yeah. Yeah, yeah, you're just pointing at Florida over and over. Tampa's good. Yeah, Tampa's good. Orlando's even kind of a. The flight home. I don't like Miami improv.

We're doing that on this weekend and it's like, look, they're gonna show up 30 minutes late in on code. You just have to accept it. And they want you to do a little dance, a little dancing, they love it. But it's, yeah. Look, they don't have, you know the problem is they don't have like real lives in Miami they're like butt

influencers so you're trying to connect with people you're like they don't they're like they're like thinking about their next butt pose yeah yeah you know everyone's thinking about theirs I know I'm thinking about some but I'm thinking about the term butt influencer and how much I like that because it's somebody who influences butt with their influential butt you know yeah I mean they're like a fat ass with Vogue Kamala yeah yeah I bombed so hard at that club in like that because it's somebody who influences butt with their influential butt, you know? Yeah. I mean, like a fat ass would vote. Come on. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I bombed so hard at that club in Naples that, uh, I remember, yeah, I was complaining on Twitter. I'm such a whiny bitch. I don't know.

I was drunk after the show, just like, fuck this city. And I remember, uh, Mika's a vintage ad from the New York Rangers DM me. Are you okay? I'm such a whiny bitch that a pro athlete who gets the shit kicked out of him on the ice every night was like, I'm thinking about you. On the road though, he'll bring up Naples just to the crowd. Everybody knows the story about how Naples is just shit. What is your Naples story? Oh, I just kept bombing. It was one of those things where like an old man,

I had like an argument with an old man where he was like, I think I broke down in the last show because I was getting buried every show by this comic, Eric Myers, who was really a murderer, like a really funny guy, he's passed away. You killed him. I killed him for burying me. But no, he was a really funny dude,

but he had a lot of energy and this is how I talk on stage. So it's like, you either are with me or you're not. And he was a really funny dude, but he had a lot of energy. And this is how I talk on stage. So it's like you either are with me or you're not. And- He was featuring? Yeah, and I like the last show, they just, you know when you're just like, I'm gonna do like my first hour cause that's my most broad shit.

I'm just gonna do whatever I can to survive. I'm playing the hits. I'm just eating shit. Wow. And on the last show, an old man just keeps heckling me and I go, I fucking hate this city. I just say that on stage and he goes, yeah, we're still here. And I go, yeah, well, I'll be, I'll be gone tomorrow and you'll be in the casket soon. And he goes, you'll have to put me there.

And I go, that's not how time works. And that was like the one big pop I got. And then right after that, I was like, all right, let me just wrap this set up. And I just hear a kid go, grandpa enough. That's good. That was some kid's grandpa who was heckling me. Like that's the trash you're dealing with. Oh, that's great. But it was like, looking back, it was pretty funny.

I mean, I just, I played, I thought it'd be funny to go back near, we did, I think, Fort Myers last time, right? Yeah, Fort Myers, yeah. And that sucked. It's just not, it's not my type of Florida. Fort Myers is right next to it. Fort Myers is where I got to be. Jacksonville, I'm, Fort Myers last time, right? Yeah, Fort Myers, yeah. And that sucked. It's just not my type of Florida. Fort Myers is right next to it. Fort Myers is right next to it.

Jacksonville, I'm down with, Tampa. I'll say, I don't know what it is, but, okay, so, remember, sorry. His brain's fucked up still. Ever since the accident, I keep forgetting things. I'm getting like very angry. Can I make a suggestion? I think that you might, I am a victim blamer,

and when people get sexually assaulted, I blame them, and I know that I'm doing like very angry. Can I make a suggestion? I think that you might. I am a victim blamer. And when people get sexually assaulted, I blame them. And I know that I'm doing this right now. But do you think that maybe you're in your head about it and you're a little worried about it and it's making you kind of like because you're a little scared? No. OK, no. I go to the hospital.

They put me in a neck brace. I fucking my head slant of the window. You stupid cunt. The story keeps changing. You're like, dude, yeah, they gave me an air lifted. You had an air lift. I was airlifted by a homeless man's hand. I didn't want you to worry.

I was airlifted. You were not. I wasn't, but you would have felt pretty fucking bad. You had your arm in the sling the other day and I was like, why is your arm in the sling? You're like, the accident. And I was like, didn't that happen with Tony Hawk? And you're like, yeah, you know?

No, oh, and also I dislocated my shoulder skateboarding with Tony Hawk. And when I a couple of weeks ago, that's a pretty cool story. Yeah. Yeah. He taught me how to drop in on a on a quarter pipe and I did it. It was great. And then I tried to do it again to be like, look, I could do it again, Tony. And I my shoulder popped out. I popped it back in and it was getting better. And then I fucked it up again in the accident.

So I do have a sling that I've been like using and I just don't want to like yielding have it It feels weird wearing it all the time So I'm in it half the time and then other times I kind of like do my little arm exercises Yeah, I'm banged up. So you return that car like the way that was to the rental place. Oh, it's totally used It's totally totally totaled. What did they say? Dude, they gave me another one. Really? God bless Enterprise.

Yeah, you get the insurance. They literally. What was their reaction? They were like, are you all right? These things happen. What do they care? It's not their car, right? It's like some person working the desk.

Dude, this car was completely totaled and I went and shared all the information and then they gave me another fucking car Too crazy what this is why I haven't been riding the motorcycle because the more I hear about this like why do you do that? I know and got hit everybody gets hit. You got it Remember cannon flipped his car recently. Oh, yeah cannon. Yeah, that was terrible I mean that kid yeah now now we have a fucking support group. We're like text each other like, you know That kid yeah now now we have a fucking support group. We're like texts each other like you know

Crippled Jordan would be a hilarious act yeah, Jordan with like a limp She can't get her jokes out yeah, she wins America's Got Talent They love it. I kind of am like that. Maybe you want to be injured. Fuck you. You just love it. You love it. I forgot what I was saying. I'm trying.

All right. Fucking slur. I feel like getting crippled as a comic only is going to help you. Yeah. When you have the cane, everybody loves it. Where the sling more? You could say whatever you want. He said, you think?

No. It'll help you. You're fucked. You're like high energy. You need your body movement too. I know. When I have my period, I crush because I'm bent over holding onto the stool, you know? And they feel bad for me.

And it's funny to just be crippled. Why are you bent over from your period? Because you got it. When you get cramps, you got to bend over and put your butt out. Kind of like that. Like a cat cow kind of thing, you know? Cat cow? You know, yoga? Yeah. No, I got the reference.

Yeah. You got to do it. You got to get... We do yoga. We did yoga a couple of times on the road. Yeah. I'm not a fan. You don't like it? It's too homosexual. He does it. But I don't... What? What? Is it too homosexual, I said?

No, I just don't like it I feel like he loves getting fucked in the ass Yeah, I just didn't like yoga ever I mean it's every time I've ever a lot of people get bored I think in there not if you push yourself and look at butts I mean you do and then like those butts aren't interested in me. It's only an hour long Do you feel like you're getting limber in there? Also, have you seen Gary's career? You know he doesn't push himself.

Yeah, exactly. I just go through the motions. That's good. That's how I take yoga. That's just, yeah, that's man with wife. I think that's just how it goes. Man with wife. I like that.

Is that a yoga position? Every once in a while I like it. Yeah. Every once in a while, a little yoga's fun. We both have trainers now. I do. It's the best. I know. I don't like to tell people that because they don't look at my body and they're like, every once in a while, yoga, a little yoga is fun. We both have trainers now. I do. It's the best. I know. I don't like to tell people that

because they don't look at my body and they're like, you do? That's how I feel. Caitlin Bluefall lost a thousand pounds and looks incredible. We have the same fucking trainer. You drive me crazy. You just show up wet. I'm just wet all the time.

Disgusting. It drives me insane. People are like, who's your trainer? I'm like, it's Sid. They're like, oh, isn't that Caitlin's? And I go, yeah. And they go, ah. And they go, ah. And I go.

Guy or girl? She's a girl. That's why you're wet. That's right. Why not? Fucking eighth grade lacrosse player. Listen. But she's a good trainer?

She's really good. It's one on one. Look how wet I am. It's one on one. And it's boxing. I mean, I train like, if I go home to Ithaca, then I box with a big guy there. And then if I, in LA I worked with Jason Ellis.

I just try, I'm just, I started it just being like, we're gonna work out and now I'm addicted to the boxing aspect of it. But I'm not, I can't do the, the MyFitnessPal track. Do you do that? Do you track all the food and stuff? It's crazy. I still drink all the time.

Oh, yeah. You watched me get annoyed that a guy brought me the wrong vermouth this weekend. I did. I did. There was no whiskey. Yeah, you guys just had a crazy weekend, right? Oh, my god.

What happened? It was so weird. Everything was weird about it. What, are you almost dying a car crash? Oh, interesting. Go ahead. I FaceTimed you like three times. That's a lot for me, OK?

I know. I want to get hit again. I didn't text you, but I was thinking about you, dude. I should have text you like three times. That's a lot for me, okay? I know, I wanna get hit again. I didn't text you, but I was thinking about you, dude. I should have text you, I'm sorry. Well, I was thinking like when all this is going on, I'm like, man, I wonder whose Naples story is worse now, me or Sam? It was just one of those like too many bad clubs

in a row sets for me. So like I'd been doing so many just bad papered rooms and then that weekend hit me. But no, we were in Hammond, Indiana. We it's me, Jordan, Neemesh Patel and Krista Stefano. And first off, we go on. I don't know why I thought this would be a good idea, but I was like, let's go on. Whitney Cummings hits me up.

She's like, you should go on my friend. He's like, he loves your guys comedy. You should go on his on his boat. He's like, he should go on my friend. He's like, he loves your guy's comedy. You should go on his, on his boat. He's like, he runs only fans. What? And my girlfriend's like, is there going to be strippers on the boat? I'm like, it's like one Russian dude.

Yeah. I'm more worried he's going to like town with Mr. Ripley. I was thinking about like, you know. Was he Russian guy? Yeah. He just didn't speak. That's he was very Russian. Really? He was born in Russia.

Wait, the guy who was driving the boat. Yeah, he was Russian. I thought he was Jewish. No, the guy who was driving the boat. Yeah, he was Russian. I thought he was Jewish. No, there's Russian Jews. I know. The girl was really sweet. You know what was weird about both their faces? They both, both of them. I was like, don't I know you with both of them?

Yeah. At first I had it with him and then I had it with her. And I was like, wait, were there only fangirls on the thing? No, there was the girlfriend. No, it was Krista Stefano's daughter. She rules. But we made her wiggle her ass. We did. We got on a boat her ass. We did, we did.

You're on a boat with this OnlyFans guy, just this guy? Well the problem is we walked into the office and Delilah goes, look daddy, OF. And then Krista goes, shh, shh, shh. Don't tell your mother where we are. Oh dude, that was the best part. So we go to, he's like, I'll drive you to Indiana on this boat and we're like, fuck yeah.

Forgetting I'm wearing a suede jacket and he just starts cruising, we're getting soaked. I'm like, god damn it. Soaked, and it was choppy as fuck. I didn't even think about that. And then I started being like, what if we go too far out and we just get, you know what I mean? What if this guy's just crazy and he's a fan

and he's like, yeah, I'll do whatever you say, but it's horribly dangerous and we have a child. No, it's not a good idea. So we end up having to dock, we leave, we take an Uber there, we get there. We're walking to this casino in Hammond, Indiana, and they stop us on the loading dock trying to get into the casino.

A man with a goiter. A man with a third head. Out to here. I mean second head. Out to here, yeah, it was crazy. It was live, that thing. And he goes, get that kid out of here. And we're like, what are you talking about?

He takes the walkie talkie and he goes, there's a little girl here with a baby doll. And then Delilah, who's like incredible and nine and the daughter of Chris, he goes, they just called me a little girl. Okay, I am not a little girl. I am nine years old. And they just said, I had a baby doll.

This is not a baby doll. This is an American girl though. Okay, so get it together. Wow. And I was like, oh, I was like, let her in. Oh my God. She called them idiots at one point. She goes, will you idiots figure this out?

And we're like, you're a child. She's like nine going on 39. Dude, there was one point where we were like, okay, here's what we'll do. And it was like, I was like, I'll go up. They don't even know what we were saying. They wouldn't let her in the room because they have some weird rule,

like no one under 21, like they do fights. People will be like 18 in the fights there, like MMA. But you have to do like paperwork for weeks. The gaming commission doesn't have to allow you in the casino. So we're going to, we're going to our agents like, Hey, can you figure something out? And they're like, this is the gaming commission. We can't do shit. I didn't know how big the gaming commission is. They were like, it's bigger than the cops and stuff. It was like, well, most of the cops were apologizing. They're like this. And she's like, I'll just go back on that.

She's saying, just let me have the people from the boat watch. And Chris is like, I can't leave you with the OnlyFans people if my wife finds out. Yeah, that was so funny. That was my idea. I was like, well, just leave her with those people. And then Chris was like, no.

And I was like, why not? And he's like, what am I gonna say? Oh yeah, I lost our daughter. She's with the OnlyFans guy and girl. Yeah, and now she works for them. But no, we couldn't do it. They were like, get out of here. The cops were actually cool.

The cops were like, it's a really stupid law, but we have to follow, we're really sorry. The goiter guy, the security guy, was like, what are you gonna do? Like, you guys gotta get rid of it. He was like really pissy about it. And we're just like, let us figure it out. So we're doing like, you know, puzzles trying to figure out how we can

pull this off because they're like, she can't even be on the loading dock. She has to be across the highway. I'm like, you want us to risk our lives? Your stupid fucking loss. We were doing the brain puzzles. We were I was like, OK, if I go up and then I bring Chrissy up and then he'll

bring Namesh up and Namesh will run out and then Namesh will get Sam and that the cable never be. And we're like, and I was like, I have an idea. I was like, no, no, no, okay. So here's a brain. And then finally she was like, listen, whoever goes on last just stays out with me.

And then the person who goes up first comes to get to me. And I was like, oh, but we were doing the brain game for like a long time. And I was like, wait, what? Oh, that is exactly what we would need to do. So Chris ended up going up first and Jordan and I are just trying to entertain or being fucking clowns. Like she's like, Jordan you go on that side, Sam you go on

that side. We're like just do it. Whatever keeps her distracted. So you know she's like do lunges. We're like doing workouts for her. We're doing push-ups for her. She's screaming at us like, Sam you lose. She walks up to me and like fake shoots me in the head. Like this is a dark kid. The best part was when she goes was when she goes, Sam freeze and he freezes and then he like moves his hand. She goes, you move your hand. And he goes, I'm really sorry about that. I'm just trying to keep his daughter distracted at this point.

So you're scared. I was scared of her. She's Puerto Rican. She's scary, dude. She's scary. She is scary. But then we, Chris gets off it. As he's getting off the guy's like,

you gotta get her out of here. We're like, dude, what do you want? Like they're leaving. But he was on a fucking- What do I want? I want this goiter removed. Yeah. It was crazy.

It was just one of those guys who was like, this is my job. And that was the only, that's like his life mission. Oh God, yeah. I hate that. Mall cop energy for sure. You're never gonna get around one of those guys. Those guys are too

that goiter. You're lucky that goiter didn't pull you out of the car. You got to reach money. Don't be scared. It's not going to bite. It'll save your life. But the show we end up having fun, so. It was really fun.

Hand in Indiana, close to Chicago. I only know because he told me. And then you guys went to Chicago right after that. We stayed in Chicago. Where'd you guys stay? What hotel? We stayed at the Ritz. They stayed at the Ritz.

I stayed at the Pendry. I regret staying there. Nimesh, of course, Nimesh was like, we should stay at the Ritz. And I was like, alright I find out this fucker has like a deal Did you see his framed picture of Kobe and yeah, what was it? It's rocky. That's his rider. Why he just likes it I asked it a frame picture of him with them or a free picture of just them Kobe and Chris Rock

That's his rider. I have a sick rider. Your rider's really good. What's your rider? Just a lot of help. Bring Gary along. I need Gary. A lot of veggies, hummus, fruit plate, some whiskey, vermouth. They bought me the wrong vermouth and I had to pretend. This is what a team player I am. I was like, it's fine. Oh, the steaks we got were so good. Those were good steaks. You have steaks on your rider? No, but they had steaks at the casino. Yeah, that made up for everything. That made up for everything. Wait, so Chris's daughter was crying, but we got we got a couple of rebounds. Yeah, yeah, she got hit by a car. So wait, what's the difference between the Ritz and the Landry? Pendry, Pendry.

It's a great hotel. The Ritz is amazing. Yeah, and the Pendry is beautiful. The Pendry is great. But the Ritz sucked. I told him to stay at the Pendry before. I The Pendry's great, but the Ritz sucked. I told him to stay at the Pendry before. The Ritz sucked? I liked that one.

No, it was great. I just like, it's just a fucking waste of money. I just, I was there one night, I wasn't even there. I still owe $1,000 for two nights. Really? That's a lot. Insane, hotels are expensive. Oh no, $1,000 minus $250,

because it was the incidentals, just still a lot. Then I went to Fort Wayne and had sex. With who? A guy. But, Not this guy, not the butt. You went to Fort Wayne, oh you had shows there? I had a show there.

Okay. What? A Fort Wayne guy? Yeah. From the audience or just a dude you know? A guy I know. Was it a comic? It was a comic who was hanging out,

who I know. Who was hanging out. So they were in town for something else. So first time you met them. So I'm trying to guess who it is. I can't easily. I know. I'll show you who it is, but I don't want people to know.

Jesus. Can you say it and we'll bleep it? It's you don't know who he is. Well, it was the first time I was talking to you. Zalonzo Boden. Did you find him? You fucked Brad Williams?

That's crazy. You just blew the name. But yeah, it was the first time having sex a long time. I didn't know we're all using condoms out here. Oh yeah, you got to. God damn it. I don't want to go back into the dating world if I have to use condoms.

That sucks. The cellophane. Where you going on a date tonight? They're rough. Admit it, they are bad. What do you, you don't want to go back into the dating world if I have to use condoms. Really? That sucks. That's cellophane. Where you going on a date tonight? They're rough. Yeah. Admit it. They are bad. What do you you don't do it. We all admit they're bad. You brought all the shit out of your wife.

You have a girlfriend. You can do it. You fuck butts, which is safe. I have to use condoms. You don't use condoms. You really need to use a condom on the butt. I can't get down with it. There's something. Condoms are good though.

They, it's an inconvenience. It's a necessary evil. Yeah. It's a necessary evil in the world you're living in. I'm gonna be honest, it feels like it's almost like not worth doing. That's how I feel. Yeah.

Oh, okay. Everybody feels that way. This famous last words before you come back with herpes. I know, I don't want herpes. I'm very OCD about it, but I do. I just fuck somebody who I know. I'm like, have you been tested? We both have.

And then I only fucked that person for a long time. But then you have this, but then you have the other side of you, the woman who wants like the paperwork and you're like, oh my God. I know. You're like, God, I gotta figure out Photoshop at 2 a.m.? But don't we all want that?

Exactly. You can't fudge that. Let me see the paperwork. She's like, what? You're playing dumb. I had it right here. It's like me with the service animal thing. I'm like, see?

It's fudged. My service animal is. No, I get it. Every once in a while, you get that woman, and you're like, all right, it's good to have a nag. Huh? You should probably. I'm not nagging.

I'm not asking for paperwork, but it is by the way, I look at that. It's like, do you have AIDS? I'm like, you fucking yeah. You're like, get off my case. Jesus Christ. Give me a break. It's more like when I date somebody, it's like, I'm just committing to dating them a while because it's, it's led up to sex.

I'm not used to this random sex. Have you ever hooked up with this guy before? No, I'm going into my was a vibe. Was a vibe like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys knew that you both wanted to to this random sex. Have you ever hooked up with this guy before? No, I'm going into my. Was it was a vibe like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys knew that you both wanted to tell him about making the guy wait. I made Carter wait. She made her friend wait outside for her.

He still doesn't know that that's what I was doing. To have sex. Sorry, I lied, Carter. She goes, why don't you circle the block for a minute? Why? Then she goes up to bang a guy. I didn't want him to watch. Because he had to go to... Why didn't I say I'm going to go have sex? No, I don't want to say why you...

Because he was driving me back to Chicago. So I was like, go... I was like, you don't have to talk to me. Go to Kroger. You go back to Chicago that night. Yeah. Oh, wow. For the sex.

I didn't want to stay in Fort Wayne. Yeah, you didn't want to fucking Fort Wayne. No. Oh, God. I did fucking Fort Wayne and then I drove back to Chicago. So you got two hotels. No, I got one. Drove did fucking Fort Wayne and then I drove back to Chicago. So you got two hotels. No, I got one. Drove from Chicago, did the show, drove back to Chicago, flew out.

We were in Chicago. You were with this guy in Chicago? No. Drove to Fort Wayne. Quick sex. Quick show. Bad show. A woman in the front row said she was raped by her father when she was three.

Said that in the front row. She was raped by her father? At three years old! How do you turn that around? I did turn it around, which is amazing. It was a good turnaround. I asked her, I was like, can I clip that? And she was like, 100%, I will make a comment

that says it's okay. I forget how it turned it around. It was something about, oh, it was, I was talking about how when women have babies, they look like the father. You know what I mean? They look like an old version of the father. And I was like, I don't know what that's for,

if it's like, so they don't eat it, or so they don't fuck it. And I was like, sorry, trigger warning to father. And I was like, I don't know what that's for. If it's like, so they don't eat it or so they don't fuck it. And I was like, sorry, trigger warning to her. And she was like, and that got him. That was pretty good. You know, that's nice. It's so nice you asked for consent to post it though, because you know, there's some people would be like, you got raped by your dad.

They like close up on the face and it's like viral clip. Oh yeah. Now she has to relive it. When she came up to me after, she's super hot. Really? So hot. Wonder if she was a hot baby. I had the same thought, but I didn't say it out loud.

Three years old raped. Yeah. Wait, wait, wait. She was her dad. Oh, that's terrible. That is awful. That's really fucked up. I guess it's like four comments.

Did someone have to tell her or did she remember? Somebody told her. Someone told her. Poor thing. She was awesome though. How does she know the person wasn't lying? Because she kind of was like, why is this guy, why is he like absent in our lives?

Why that girl walking weird? Yeah, yeah, why is there a hole in me? And she was like, why, you know, why is that? Why does my dad always want to spend time with me? Yeah. Why is my dad in jail? Is he in jail? No, no.

Why? He should be. Because nobody believes a three year old. I asked her why she didn't press her. That's the case. Well, either you testify or not, but yeah. Goo goo gaga, he weight me. The lawyer's like, I rest my case.

Damn, that's a lot of- Wow. That's horrific. I know. Terrible. But then I heard another story on the road about a guy being molested by his dad. And I was like, is this just something

that's happening out here? They don't have a lot of stuff to do out there. Oh yeah. Forelain. Yeah, totally. I just don't know if it's, I've also been have a lot of stuff to do out there. Oh yeah, in the sticks, yeah, totally. I just don't know if it's, I've also been watching a lot of Law and Order SVU, so it's compiling in the head.

It's fucked up. Yeah. I love that show. It's the best show. It's just like fun. They just had a Down Syndrome girl on who got pregnant. You know what it was? Somebody was like, watch Law and Order SVU,

and I was thinking like, rape case, hot girl gets raped. It's like, I had six babies, my husband raped all of them and one of them is dead but pregnant solve this case. You know, like how is this allowed? I mean, we can't say like ass on felon. But it's on the same network. It's really crazy. They're like there's semen on the baby's face.

I'm like that made it in. Yeah. The episode I watched last night was literally a guy. It was a video of a man fucking a corpse. And I was like, how is this on Hulu? This is crazy. But Mariska Hargitake could get it. And I was like, how is this on Hulu? This is crazy. But Mariska Hargitake could get it. I'll tell you that much. Is that? What? Benson?

Dude, she's so hot. Is she gay? No, she's married to a pretty hot dude too. They're both, it's a hot couple. Same with, what's his face? Who? The guy. Maloney? No, the other. Stabler?

Stabler. I met him. I met him at a gig. I had a nice quick interaction, the best interaction you could have where I did the MSG Garden of Laughs show at the MSG theater and like my agent is just admiring how handsome she's saying. She's like, he's so hot. Oh my God. As she says it, he just walks by and goes, crushed it and fist bump.

And I was like, that was it. He did that? That's all you need. Oh my God. I was like, nice moment. Get out. That's it. Don't make it awkward. I can't decide who I'd rather sleep with.

Have you ever played that game? I would rather Mariska. I'm going with her. I think I want to look like Mariska and have sex with Stabler. Yeah. I think that's what it is. She's hot.

Do they ever fuck? Don't tell me. No, of course they would ruin the show. Stabler guy. Yeah. Is that Chris Maloney? He's like this. He's like course. It would ruin the show. Stabler guy. Yeah. Is that Chris Maloney? He's like this. Oh, okay. He's a hot guy. Yeah. She's got, cause he's like not normal looking, right? I think that's part of it. Got a very large forehead. Yes. Which I admire. Yeah. Huge forehead. Eyebrows down like this. She's hot. Do you like her in short hair mode? Yeah. all about the short hair mode. Yeah, I think like, we're talking like 2006.

That was a beast mode era for Mariska, for sure. What about the lawyer lady? They switched her out for a different blonde. They keep switching out lawyers. Yeah, they're hot though. They're always hot and blonde. Yeah, one of them was married to Bobby Flay. That makes sense.

That's gotta be a tough guy to be married to. He's just fucking every bar back. He's like, I gotta work late tonight, honey. I found a new recipe. He's just fucking every bar back. Got to work late at night, honey. I found a new recipe. She's like, you piece of shit. He definitely like every every person you can tell on. Have you watched B Bobby Flay?

You can tell like there's one judge on that show who's like a legit restaurateur or chef and the other one's like a young actress that he's trying to fuck or is fucked. You know what I mean? You really see that? No, that's like half the episodes of it. Really? I like watching it. It seems like a hornball.

What's the one with the kids, Chop Jr.? That's great when they just force this kid into the greatest moment of their life at like seven and then it's all down the line after that. Some kids are fucked up the lobster risotto, I'm finished. Kids are like, I fucked up the souffle. Yeah, that is fucked up the lobster risotto, I'm finished. Yeah, yeah, kids like, I fucked up the souffle. Yeah, that is fucked up just watching trauma happen in real time, just knowing it's gonna ruin it. It's so traumatizing watching these little kids. Well, that's how I was watching,

remember on Nickelodeon when they did the filling the tubs with tarantulas and stuff, whatever that was called, remember? I hated that. Huh? Remember that? It was Fear Factor, but for kids, I forget what it was called. Not the worst thing those kids were touched by, by the way.

Yeah, that's true. Did you see that doc? Holy shit. Yeah, that was a good doc. Did you see the music video by Drake? No. It's really good. Really? I mean, it's hilarious.

It's just like so on the nose. It just shows him like walking into a trailer with a guy following him in as a kid. They stall the camera over cream. So he was molested for sure? That is butt cream. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He had missed him. I thought you meant Drake the singer. No, Drake the singer. Oh, me too, yeah. They stall the camera over. So he was molested for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He had been Drake the singer.

No, Drake. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Oh, but that would make sense. I think Kendrick really did win. Yeah. Damn. It's fun. It's also funny that I know people probably said this, but it's funny that you're watching us to you and you're like, this feels exploitative to rape victims. I wonder if it was just written by a pervert and then just Dick Wolf comesU and you're like, this feels exploitative to rape victims. I wonder if it was just written by a pervert and then just Dick Wolf comes on and you're like,

oh yeah, a Dick Wolf, literally. Dick Wolf, I love Dick. I'm convinced that I was the inspiration for a Law and Order SVU episode because I got in a lot of trouble for a rape joke back in the day in like 2013 and it came out like the next season. And it was a comic who was telling a rape joke

on stage at the comic strip. That was like the club I worked at that time. And it was Jonathan Silverman who kinda, I kinda look like a little bit. And his whole thing was like, he's telling rape jokes on stage and everyone's like, what the fuck? Like this is messed up.

He's like playing a comic. And then it turns out he is a rapist, which I'm like, that's not how it works. It's Cosby. It's the clean comics. Whoa. Oh. Did you reach out to them at all? What would I, I was like, nobody.

I was like, what am I going to say? Hey, fuck you. Wait, what was the joke that you were- You used that as a credit for a little bit. You've seen his life story on SVU, minus the rape. Minus the rape, I did not rape. It was a hit piece they wrote to me in like 2013. This woman wrote it. It's literally the, for my new special,

it's literally, there's a joke about it because the joke was, there were two jokes. One was I was at this woman saw me at the cellar one night. I said, you know, you remember this old joke. I said, my ex never makes me wear a condom because she was on the pill ambient That was that's good. The other one was I was this was a little more dicey this one. This one the n-word. Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a joke No, I was sleeping with a black girl all done with doing it. She kept dropping the n-word. She was like no

I pause them. You guys were scared. I was gonna say the n-word and then you're was like, no, that's good. And then I pause and you guys were scared. I was going to say the N word. And then you're all like, thank God rape joke. Yeah. So that was the joke really. Yeah. So they omit the punch line. This woman writes a hit piece on me. It's crazy. I just like, I respond. I remember I was like running it by Colin Quinn.

I respond. I'm like, oh, what should I say? He kind of read my thing and he was like, that's perfect. Then it became like a thing on like salon.com Jezebel. I was like, all of them call me like a nobody. That was the thing on me. So it's not enough to like trash me. They're like this no name comedian. They're like unlike comedians like Daniel Tosh, who tell rape jokes and have a following.

And you're like, all right. But, you know, yeah, this is all in print. Nobody has a video. And that was around the time, too, that it was coming out, that it was like, these are the comics that can that know how to tell rape jokes. And it was like, Louie, John Mulaney, if you're going to say a rape joke, say it like that was like that. She said it about me. Yeah. Well, by the way, Louie had a joke.

This is I'm not like I think it's a funny joke, but it's like this one. You like can't defend it in text where he goes, you should never rape anyone unless you want to sleep with them and they won't let you. And in which case, what else can you do? Yeah. Like that was the joke and it would kill cause it was so clearly a joke, but in text that's when you definitely would look bad. Totally. That's a perfect joke to me. I don't know why that's so good. Cause it's so much, you either get that it's a joke or you don't. But, uh,

so then this woman who wrote the thing on me in this new special was called you've changed because I had a thing where she wrote, I had a trans joke in my last special that went viral and it was like a pretty pro trans joke. I, you know, all these trans people were like, hell yeah, good for you, fuck yeah, like this is awesome. This one person writes like fuck Sam Uriel, he's the worst, I hate him.

He made all these offensive jokes in 2013. And I swear to God, it's the fucking. I hate him. He made all these offensive jokes in 2013 and I swear to God, it's the woman who canceled me, but she's a guy now. It's a trans person. So I literally responded, but you know that people can change. Oh, that's really good. The joke. So that's why it's called you've changed. Right. You have all people. Oh, that's great. But, but it was like, oh my God, she was trans and she was attacking you.

She was so she chose. She didn't like it. Well, she didn't like that. I had a joke like defending trans people, I think, because she was like, fuck him. He did a thing I didn't like in 2013. But I was like, they're fucking all jokes. Yeah, they're all just jokes.

I hope she sees the new special and she writes something back to that. He now, buddy. Oh, hey, got a gender. Get a gender. Yeah, more rare. gender, got a gender. She comes after me. She doesn't even get a right. Very rare. Yeah. More rare.

I prefer them. Yeah. I do. They're just sweet men. Just making sweeter men. Yeah but. You're trans men? Trans men I prefer over trans women.

Trans women I'm like you're hotter than me, we're in competition, I can't, I'm not gonna buy those tits, those are great tits, I can't get those. Trans men I'm like oh you're just a nicer. Well trans men just wanna be a little buy those tits. Those are great tits. I can't get those trans men. I'm like, oh, you're just a nicer lot. Trans men just want to be a little fella hanging out. Yeah. Well, dapper guy. Kit Kat, man.

I'm just a little dude who thinks all guys wear bow ties. You know what that voice is exactly. I'm just a little guy that wears a vest just like all you other guys. You're going to be like a snail in a Pixar movie or something. That was adorable. It's adorable. That's Devo's voice. Yeah. Come on. Uppies. Uppies. Uppies. I want uppies. Yeah. I don't know a lot of trans men. I've seen them on...

Now that I'm on the dating app, scary. Raya is horrifying. No, you can't have the thing you got me. No. I can't. You haven't had any of it yet. I need it. I'm drinking it drinking. I was in a car accident Sweaty mess can I have a little oh I'm You're what so you on the date you're on Ryan now you're tearing it up I'm on rail. How's that going bad? Why?

Raya sucks, right? It's just all the guys are so fucking hot and it's like unapproachable. I think guys have a better time in there than women. No, they won't let me on Raya. Really? Get you on right, dude. Won't let me on. We got because I asked a gal that I ended up dating for a couple of months for a

referral. For a referral. For a referral. And she got mad at you. I thought you were going to say for a penis picker or something like that. I don't know why. I was like, oh, you got to know. She got mad at me and wrote to Rye like, don't let this guy on, blah, blah. Ever since then, I have a non-referral. She got mad at you for the referral ask?

Oh, because you've dated her. That's a crazy thing to do before we started dating. When we were just like, oh, so she was wanted to date. Yeah. It was like, don't let him know. Good move. Borderline move, but a good move. I love to see your blacklist. I guess so. Yeah, I don't match with people. They don't. I'm not. I'm a black. They are. They the women are so hot people the people that I get are like very pussy what they are

What'd you say? What'd you say? Who's hot the women on there so hot then when you get to my photo you're like, oh she's you need your Fort Wayne, Indiana I need yeah, I need I'm a when they get to Jordan. They're like what's she famous for? Like what's she famous for? We got you a good pick. When they get to Choreia 4, they're like, what's she famous for? Oh, something behind the scenes. I'll show you my picture. The top one is me choking TJ Miller. Wait, it's with you and TJ Miller? It's me like grabbing TJ Miller.

Cheating. I wanna see, now. You can't see that it's TJ. Let me see. That's a good pic. Right? I think you look good. It doesn't look like me at all. Let me see. Let me see, how do a good pic. Right? I think you look good. Doesn't look like me at all.

Let me see. Let me see. How do I see the other photos? Oh, there we go. Yeah, I wouldn't put you with a mic in the second picture. Let me see. I think it's intimidating. Let me see. Oh my god. It's my job. Not to someone like me, but I'm saying to the world. This is a weird third pic. What do you mean? They're gonna make me...

I mean, what is this? The Exorcist? What are you doing here? What is this one here? Oh my God! What is that? You're looking dead eyed as a child. I was. You look nice in the first two.

The first one great. Oh God. It looks like a still from midsummer. This is what I look like though. I don't want to. This is a nice one. I like this. I'd move that to number two.

Move that to number two. It's not Gaslighting. It's called Leading with Something Good. I like this one. I think the hat one. Yeah, it's called leading with something good. I like this, I take the hat one. Yeah, it's cute. I like it. The in? Oh, I'm in it?

Two stage shots. I mean, come on. Okay, I don't know what I'm doing. I know. I thought that Ryan was like professional photos and all of the professional photos are me on stage. So contemplative in this one. Look at that.

Let me see that one. Deep in thought. Right, deep in thought. Get out of here. I'm on my motorcycle. I'm on a motorcycle. I'm thinking about engines and... You got any? Vroom, vroom.

Is this a good one? I don't know. I think you have good picks. I think your order's wrong, yeah. Okay. I'd go with non-comedy picks. You have one with you and me? Oh, that's nice.

Well, you're copped out, but I'm wearing your cap. I think we're going to lose this one, though. All right, I'll take it out. Yeah, you do look like you have Down syndrome in that picture. No, you can't have it. Why? Can I see? No way.

Why? You can see my Tinder. The other day. But I'm wearing your hat. I think we're going to lose this one, though. All right, I'll take it out. Yeah, you do look like you have Down syndrome. No, in that picture. Why? Can I see? No way. Why? You can see my Tinder. The other day, I was like, I was like, I was with John and I go, let's call Ian. He's like, I'm going to call Ian and check in on him.

And I was like, watch, I'm going to tell him that I had sex with somebody. Watch his face. And now we've screen recorded it. And you're like, you're like, hey guys, what's up? And I'm like, I had sex with somebody in your face. You go, what? And then we hang up with you. And then half an hour later, Ian barges into my apartment.

Who'd you fuck? So what is the dynamic here? I did it as a bit because I thought it would be funny. He wants to marry me. You want to marry me? You said you would marry me. You said, you said I said I would marry you if you would quit smoking. You're the one that brought that up.

I said I would legally marry you if you quit smoking. And then later when we were alone, you said, would you kiss me if we were married? You said yes. No, I didn't. Yes, you did. You said yes. A couple of times. Yeah, I don't want to marry him. But he wants to marry you. Would you marry her?

He wants to marry me, but I don't want to marry her. You guys even know what that means? No, I wouldn't know it. You swear on my life. Don't say that. You gotta pick his brain. He's the married guy. Yeah, you don't even know what it means. What? It's gonna fuck shit up for you.

What's it like? You like your wife? It's great. Now, you don't want to ruin that. Yeah, that's how I feel. Look at this broken fucking down person. You don't want to ruin that. Yeah, that's how I feel. Look at this broken fucking down person. You guys still have energy and you're still lively. I had to ask to leave my house. Yeah.

I said, can I go? Wow. She said, where? I said, just out for a little bit. That's, do you have a child? Two. Two kids, yeah, yeah. Wow, are those good?

What would you choose if you had to choose? 20 months. Wife or kids? I mean, they, first of all, I would lose my kids if I lost the wife. So that would be great. No. Uh, anything about it at all.

You know, there are parents out there that see their kids on the weekends or every other weekend. And that's like, that's not a bad deal. Think about that. But, uh, no, I love the kids. You always see the movies about the dad, uh, no, I, uh, I love the kids. Like fighting for like, I need to, but like, there's gotta be a lot of dudes out there who are like, dude,

I bet you he's probably talking to a lawyer to like, just let me lose the case. Yeah. It's really weird that it's split custody now. It used to like go to the women and I know there's like crackhead women, but it is crazy to grow a baby and then just your sperm is it is crazy to grow a baby and then just your sperm is a lot of people, a lot of times it goes to, uh, yeah, it's split. But then when they start going to school and then it kind of, uh, moves over to the mother's side because they can't use research this because he knows he might look it up. They're still mine for a little while. I know a little too much about it. Is it sick though?

Are you like, this is the best thing that's ever I've done. No, it's great. It feels like you wake up with the purpose and that's good, I guess. I feel like I love them. I mean, they brighten up my day. Look at me. Look, they're amazing. I just you can never trust anybody with kids.

Nobody ever says it's bad. Does that mean it's good or does that mean you have so many people say it's bad? No, not people. It's not. I don't know. Gary's daddy. I hate my dad. I know. I joke. I joke that it's bad, but it's it's good. It's it's just completely different than not having kids. I mean, I mean, yeah, it's just a weird

change. My mom openly regrets it. Really? Yeah. No, but you're close to your mom. I thought. Yeah. she's like, I love you, you're my best bud now, but like I would have done amazing things with my life. What'd she have? Yeah, she's like very smart, but she just was a contractor her whole life, and now she's like trying to write a book and stuff,

and she's like, I wouldn't have just been a contractor with your idiot father, I would have like gone off, but I procreated instead. That's what she thinks thinks but that's not real Like she wouldn't be some like other thing. Yeah, she heard of JK Rowling Authors with kids by the way, yeah. Yeah, your mom's just making excuses Actually try hard enough just give her Am a good husband I'm not gonna husband. I'm not gonna marry you.

I'm not gonna marry you. But kiss me. You'll marry me. I am not. I'll trick you. I swear. But I mean, kids could probably kill your dreams. I mean, like, I'm sure there are people

who have accomplished it, but it must be... Well, there are a lot of comics that you basically have to stop doing comedy when they have kids. They're called women. Yeah, yeah. And, you know. And there's no place for them in comedy anyway. They should leave anyway. Chrissy getting into the thing, not getting the thing.

That was intense because it was like he's here's that his wife had like surgery or something, so she couldn't come. And then it was like, I'm going to take my kid and have like a nice weekend with her. And then it was like, oh, you want this gig, though? Fuck off. You have a kid. Which is like crying. I mean, it's like a kid that I yourself you don't know how to You know, it's terrible. It was tough. Somebody should pop that guy's goiter

Take a pin out. Yeah So much I waited forever for this. That's why I was mean to you. He has a trans voice and a goiter voice. That was an intense weekend though, dude. We were stressing and I think it's hard. Having kids, it's got to be so, but you're right. Everyone who says, everyone who has kids are like, it's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Talk to some of my friends then. They hate it. My problem is the fear. They have a lot of problems. Not just kids. Nah, they don't hate it, but they're just like, oh god. My problem is like right now Coyote's at home and I'm not with her and running through my head is like is she gonna chew on a piece of plastic? Is she gonna die? Am I gonna get there? And there's just gonna be a little dog body who I love and I'm gonna have or when she was lost in the park.

You don't do that with a kid. I know. People don't do it with a kid. I know. People don't do that? You just leave a kid in your home alone. And you also clearly should be medicated. Even with a baby, yeah. As well.

Even with a, it doesn't work. It's not working anymore. Yeah, it doesn't work and if you don't take it. I'm taking it. Are you? I'm taking it. Good. What?

Can we talk about what you're taking? Prozac, 30 milligrams, 40 is a little too much. Okay, so you're an anxious human being. I have OCD. OCD, yeah. And bipolar. Okay. Which is kind of hard.

You're both bipolar. Yeah. That could be, maybe this could work. No, what are you saying? Just because so much chaos comes together and maybe it's like two negative numbers or something. No, no, no, no, no, no. She's sweaty.

I'm sweaty. It's my wife. You need a stable person and a crazy person. Mike, thank you. It's a bad deal for the stable person. Yeah, really. Right. Yeah.

And what stable person is going to be like, this is all right. Let's call them men. You're not stable. A boring person with me is a very happy person. I keep things very lively. Yeah. And you would be bored with a boring person with me is a very happy person. I keep things very lively. Yeah. And you would be bored with a boring person. No, I like them boring. You were just with a real boring person.

I loved it. You hated it. He broke up with me. You were miserable all the time. He broke up with me, but if he liked it, I love autism. I mean, you need things in common for a relationship to work. I do. But is bipolar good to have in common?

That would be bad. Because one of you could be old. I think you're gonna stop, is bipolar good? Is bipolar good? I never thought of it that way. I think opposites attracting are like a bipolar person and like a kind of like, you know. I don't think opposites attracting is always the way to go because when you are so energetic

and you're this and that and you're with a completely boring person, then you feel like you're the one who's always responsible for the energy and the activity and this and that and you need someone to pick up that slack. No, I like being all the energy and I like them being like, get off! And I'm like, can we play? You definitely have a lot of energy. I have a lot of energy, yeah. And when I'm dating somebody who hates me,

I get a lot more energy because I harass them all the time. And I mainly date people who hate me. Well, thank you. But there is like, you would marry her, you think? What do you, yes. I'd marry her, yeah. Would you get married on the show?

Like one day? Grading, yeah. That's a big up. No. Would you marry me on the show? one day ratings? Yeah, that's a big app No, no, I'm not gonna marry you you told you're the one that brought up marriage you haven't quit Well, you said you would marry me if I quit smoking. Is there any world Jordan? Will you would marry him? I would legally marry him with a certificate Don't you dare legal ease your way into this. And hang out with you once a week, no sex, if you quit smoking because you're going to die. So you changed your tune.

In LA, you were very, we would kiss, we would hang out two times a week. I reduced it to one because you've gotten more annoying. Two times a week is more than he gets, by the way. That's insane. That's amazing. But dude, yeah. This doesn't sound like a good deal for you, Ian. I don't know why you

want this. I'm the best. Well, yeah, why do you want the marriage certificate? What does that mean to you? I don't. That's the thing. She thinks I would.

He loves it. No, I don't. No, no. It's very annoying. No, everybody thinks that, but every, every person is waiting for us to get together. Yeah, they're wrong. We won't. Cause we're both too gay in the opposite direction. It's also no, but you have a very stable, a gay and the direction that comes around.

Stop looking at us. You guys are like this. You guys are. Why don't You guys are fun to look at. Why don't you guys get married? He goes, he goes, you guys are fun. My wife actually thinks it's like, oh, you're with Sam. Sam's taking you to another nice meal. You guys are fun to look at. He treats me like, like he's my wife. And he also wines and dines me. I can't help it.

He also has sex with me at night. We go on the road. He's like, I picked out a great restaurant for us tonight. Oh, that's cool. He goes on stage, he's like, make sure you have something nice. I'm like, you know me, I will. That's what I want. That's what I want. I picked out a restaurant. That's great.

That's the best. I think a meathead would be good. Like I want, I'm almost like. You'd be so bored with a meathead. You need stimulation. Yeah, is that a huge cock? A what? Cock, a big one?

Big horse cock? Yeah, but you get bored. You need stimulation too. You dated that guy with a huge dick and he was really dumb and you kept being like, he just doesn't bring anything to the table. I just realized how dumb he is and how I'm the one that has to do all the conversation. I need to stop getting comments that are two years into comedy or not two years but you know. Oh my God.

What are you a predator? What the hell is going on? Two years into comedy. It's fucking good. This shit she gets away with this fucking nut. I don't do anything bad. You do some bad stuff. You want me to get into that?

I'm not doing bad stuff. Yeah. Two years in a comedy. What are they saying? That's not two years. They're 10 years in, but they're two years in. You know what I mean? They've been doing it for 10 years, but they're fucking still doing open mics.

That's worse. I know. It's not good. Because they're not young. So they've shown no promise whatsoever in something they've dedicated themselves to. Yeah. She, yep.

That's what I do, it's not good, I don't wanna do it. That's still predatory, by the way. Is it? I don't let them open for me to her a couple times if they need money. Yeah, but you're like looking for them. Yeah, recently too. I'm not looking for them.

If you meet a comic and he's like, I'm 10 years in, you never heard of him, you're like, I will fuck you right now. You guys are fans, that's crazy. You're doing the shit that like, that shitty like male road comics do with a like, you know, fucking open mic. You're not supposed to be doing that. You guys fuck fans, which I think is worse.

Have I done, I've done a couple. You have done a million. Everybody you've slept with. A million, no, I've done a couple. You can't tell me what I've done. Everybody you've slept with has been a fan probably. Nobody's like, I keep bringing the heat. Jordan. No, no. I I've done a couple of times. Yeah.

Well sometimes you meet someone in an app and they're like, I like your stuff and you're like, is that a fucking a fan or is that just, you know, also you the girl you just whispered in my ear was also new to comedy, bad at comedy, two years into comedy or whatever. This isn't about me. you just whispered in my ear was also new to comedy, bad at comedy, two years into comedy or whatever. This isn't about me. Yeah, okay.

Yeah, Jordan. Stop. I was in a car accident. I was tied the other day. Now marry me or shut the fuck up. It's just the water they're swimming in. Guys doing this is old news. A woman.

Yeah. Now that is just- What am I gonna do? I'm gonna date a fucking guy who's in real estate or something? That could be good. But the thing about not dating a comic is they're not funny. That's fair. There's a lot of funny people who don't do this. And the comics, you fuck, are not funny. But that's not true. There's a lot of funny people who don't do comedy.

You know that. I mean, yes, but then we become friends. Comics. What happens is I'm friends with somebody for two years, and then finally we have sex and then we date. No, get away from me. And then and then we end up dating because I can't meet somebody and just immediately get it like it takes so long for me to warm to somebody. You know, years and years.

I got to preheat that oven. I got to preheat the oven. Yeah. All right. Like I'm going on a date tonight and I'm like, I'm so thinking about bailing just because the idea of meeting a new person is so- Where'd you meet him? Hinge. Okay, so you got a hinge hand,

hinge is hinge better than Raya probably? Raya, I am a four, hinge I am a eight. Well, you're dressing like that? That's the thing, I actually don't know if I'm gonna be able to have time to change. Where's the date, the park? What are you doing? It is the park, we're going to the park.

I nailed it. What park? I have to walk my dog. Do not, I'm not gonna say what park, cause you will show up. Okay, but dude, you should show up. You're meeting this guy, he scheduled a park date of a walk.

You're gonna meet up with a strange man at a park after dark, are you crazy? Do you know what's happening in this city? Yeah, she's just living a long order. Yeah. That's great. I said, I have to do a podcast, I have to box, I'm not gonna have time, I have to get home to my dog, so if you wanna I said I have to do a podcast. I have to box. I'm not going to have

time. I have to get home to my dog. So if you want to walk the dog with me in the park. It's like, I don't care. I'm going to murder you anyway. It's up to you wherever you want to die, honey. By the way, that message would get my dick so soft.

I have to do a podcast and meet me in the park. I use the word Patreon also. Oh, my God. Jordan. He's a comedy fan. That's the worst thing is like, there are women that I've hooked up with years ago

who now have a podcast. I'm like, oh, now they're gonna talk about, you know. Oh yeah. Yeah, we'll see how it goes. I'm just throwing myself in there. I didn't realize some fucking milf in Spokane was gonna start a podcast. I thought we were just having a fun afternoon.

Milf is so funny. Everyone's gonna talk about it. Like everyone does. I know I'm talking about it right now. We can't keep our mouths shut. Every woman has sex and we're like, I had sex. I literally sat down and was like, don't talk about the sex. And the second we sat down. I was like, don't talk about the sex.

And the second we sat down, I was like, I used to condom, though. That's good, though. You should be safe. But that date in the park. So what are we talking like a 30 minute date or an hour? Yeah. And then through the park is an hour till her dog does one, too.

And then that was good. Thank you so much. So you're going to walk with this strange man in the park. I box now. OK, he's asked. I still think you can't chop your head off and put in

different parts of the park. There's a million people around the park. It's awfully showers. And everybody thinks there's awfully showers with other dog friends. Even if you're not very smart, so long as he's got a ski mask waving you. I'm like, hey, oh, I like this.

He's got a voice module. Hello, Jordan. I mean, you do a walk. I met a guy in the park the other night, actually. Really? Yeah, that was a good run-in. How was that? I was just by myself walking alone,

and he was like, can I walk with you? And I was like, well, we talked for a little bit, because Coyote was barking at him randomly, probably because he was suspicious. And then we talked. And then once the blood dried on his hands, I was like, come on, let's go for a walk. It pans over, there's a picture of him on the wall, rapist on the loose.

You're talking like, urgh, urgh, urgh, urgh. Wow, she likes you. You're just fucking stupid. Yeah, I'm just going to walk around the park and talk. And then I'm going to go home because I live by the park. And I'm going to be at the park so he doesn't see where I live. That's what I'm gonna do. Uh-huh.

Still ways to find out. Yeah. I think it's still fine. What do you recommend? I go eat in front of somebody? No, not eat. Eating's bad, but you don't get... This is the trouble of being a sober dater. It is hard to do a sober first date.

Cancel the date and let's go see long legs. You see long legs? I wanna see that. Yeah, it's good. Norman said it's not good. Same with Ronan. I both gave it. Ronan said no. Damn. I saw it. I'll see it again because it's like weird and intriguing and it like makes you talk about it afterwards. Dude, I watch one. You don't want me to go on the date because you want me to marry you. Admit it. I'm not giving you what you want. Okay. all right. Dude, I watched this Korean movie last night

called Memories of Murder. It's by the guy who made Parasite. It's fucking awesome. Oh, really? Yeah. Parasite's great. Is it in theaters or on the, it looks like you guys are holding hands.

Oh my God, it does. Holy shit, holy shit, it looked like Gary's hand was on your leg. What if we did hold hands? That'd be good. That would be amazing. What's wrong with that? I'm keeping it here just so it keeps going like that.

Wait, did you see it in theaters? No, it was on... What's it called? Memories of Murder. It's cool. It's about a serial killer in Korea. Oh. Wow. I want to see that. I want to see that footage of how it looks. That's going to be great. Oh yeah, you have to go.

Yeah. This was awesome though. Yeah, gonna be great. Oh yeah, you have to go. Yeah. This was awesome though. Yeah, this was really fun. Hey, so we're gonna wrap up. Gary, what would you like to plug? So I got a podcast out right now, limited series called Number One Dad, all about my relationship with my con man dad.

It's only 10 episodes out right now. You can fully binge on it. It's incredible. If you have, really, we were just talking, Ethan, you're listening, right? It's unbelievable. Oh nice, I've, right? It's it's unbelievable. Oh, nice. I've seen stuff for it and I've got it looks awesome. Everyone I've talked to is like and I love it.

I'm like I'm hooked on it. I listen to it before it came out. It's it's like a 30 for 30. It's like one of those doc highly produced music. No way. Oh, that's great. Yeah, it's doing well. What's it called? Top 100 in Spotify. Number one dad. So hashtag number one dad.

Yeah. Is there a producer doing it or? Through iHeartRadio. Oh nice. Yeah, and then, yeah, so then it's out anywhere. And he's just sitting down talking to you, telling you the truth? No, so I basically, I talked to everybody.

He did a whole bunch of different cons. Is he alive? Yeah, he's alive. Okay. So yeah, so then he got to go find him, but I don't want to reveal too much about the pod because it's like a search and explore mission. And yeah, and then you learn a whole bunch

of different things and a whole bunch of different twists and turns. I'm telling you, it's incredible. It's so good. Check it out. Hell yeah. Awesome, and Sam, what you got? I got a new special on Amazon.

Sam Rowe, you've changed, so give it a look. And I'm all over the road. He's with me. I don't know when this comes out, but. You've changed, it's beautiful. Terrific special. Ethan Dupree worked on it a look. And I'm all over the road. He's with me. I don't know when this comes out, but. You've changed his beautiful. Terrific. Ethan DePri worked on it. Yeah.

Hell yeah. Yeah, dude. Yes. We got, yeah. I'm in Europe. I'll plug that. I'm going to Europe too. When are you going?

September. Where are you going? January. You going all over? Yeah. It's gonna be fun. How many days do you give yourself in each city? I gave myself too many in London for some reason.

I don't know why, but then I'm- Like two or three? I think four in London. Okay. But maybe we'll add a show and then, uh, yeah, then like usually one or two for the others. Okay. Paris, Amsterdam, fucking tickets still available in Oslo.

What the fuck, guys? Jesus Christ. Like even, even, even Sweden's moving better than Oslo. What the fuck? Hell Jesus Christ. Like even, even, even Sweden's moving better than Oslo. What the fuck? Hell yeah. Damn Norway. I'm a, I'm going, I'm a punch up dot live dot punch up dot live slash Jordan Jensen.

All my tickets are on there. I just added, when does this come out? Friday? I just added a show. It's this Sunday. So if it's Friday, it's in two days and and I'm headlining the new New York Comedy Club thing. Oh, on the Upper West Side. Yeah, after I go to Baltimore. If you're in Baltimore, you can still get tickets for tomorrow.

In August. That's fun. Cool. Yeah. Punchup.live slash Jordan Jensen, Punchup.live slash Ian Fideyance for all my dates. I am in Fort Collins, Colorado this weekend, Boston next weekend, Winnipeg, San Antonio, uh, I animal six nine on Instagram, patreon.com slash be an EMPOD and we will see you next time. Love you. Bye.