Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Ep108: We Broke Ian, Again W/ Sean Patton & Jessie "Jetski" Johnson

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hi everybody. Here's our dates. Come see us on the road. Punchup.live slash Ian Fydance. Punchup.live slash Jordan Jensen. August 23rd. I was on it first. 25th. So was every comic that has it now. I'm going to be at Fort Collins Hilarities in Cleveland. I'm going to be at Fort Collins, Hilarities in Cleveland. I'm going to be at Cobbs in San Fran. I'm going to be at the Creek in the cave in Texas. I'm going to be at the Funny Boat. I'm going to do a whole run through the fucking Ohio.

Starting point is 00:00:34 That's in September. So look that up. And then there's some other going down. August 23rd to 25th, I'm in San Antonio, August 28th, 29th, 30th, 31st. I'm in Winnipeg. Rumors. Winnipeg, Manitoba. Come on out, Canada. September 1st, we are at Cleveland Hilarities together. September 1st, we're live B&E and with Jordan. So come out to that. And then I'm in Milwaukee. I'm in Houston. I'm in Nashville.

Starting point is 00:01:09 I'm in. La la la la la la. I'm in. I'm in. Get tickets. The shows are fun. No set is ever the same. It's a really good time.

Starting point is 00:01:18 Punchup.live slash Ian Fiedeans. Punchup.live slash Sag Tits. Gross. Delicious. Sensual. Sexual.com. Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what

Starting point is 00:01:53 Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Being Ian Life is shit but you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live a life Being Ian Being Ian With Jordan

Starting point is 00:02:19 Where did Jordan go? Why does she get almonds and I don't? I'm the guest and I gotta starve but instead I'm gonna eat some tunes. Jessie just moved, she's staying in New York forever and ever, live in this basement, yeah. Live in this basement. Yeah. Killer food with this fucking knife. She's fucking Don Farrell with a trombone. Yeah. Yeah. You know, we got it. We got it. We got it. We got it. Go again. How many tats does Ian have on both his legs now? 1,500.

Starting point is 00:03:13 From the top? What are you doing? Will you count this love? 1, 2, three, four. Being in. Whoops. Hang it out in a basement in Brooklyn to win a pot. That's what we do now. That's fucked and what you're here. You're the one watching this on YouTube.

Starting point is 00:03:55 You're more interested than I ever thought you'd possibly be. be fucking. What? What? What? What? What? Go. Jordan's not coming back. She fucking just moved to Austin because at least there they talk on their podcasts. Oh, nevermind. She caught a late night fight and here she is, Jordan's back and full of almonds. Hey, what's up? Wait, is it?

Starting point is 00:04:38 Are the mics on? Oh, we're recording. Come on in, Jordan. It's band practice. Come on, you can express your anger through the art of music. We need a drummer. We do need a drummer. We can go we can go full fucking. L7, if you want.

Starting point is 00:04:55 No, no, I wish I could tamp on it. We can we can play a song and you can express your anger. Do you want to? Yeah, it's going to involve me getting up and leaving again. Okay, here we'll play the blues. Ready? Sing the blues. Give me the guy who'd like the one who stands up and moshes around and breaks shit. They got one of those and every mosh I'm not gonna sing. Why are you in a sour mood? I'm not a sour mood, but I'm not. I am here to do a podcast.

Starting point is 00:05:33 Oh, she wants a podcast now. There you go. She wants to talk about the news. Talk about the current events in the state of comedy. What women go through and how men have it easy, easy. It's easy to come if you're a man, not a woman. Is that blues? I think I'm being a little too fucking.

Starting point is 00:06:00 There's a hard fast forward happening over this part, so I'm just. Maybe for Patreon. Oh, yeah. Oh, wait, what's this? I think that's the sound of Jordan quitting the podcast. I think that was it. That is Freebird. That was a finance original. Oh, that was a free bird fly away. Don't fly away. Let me play the guitar. It'll make you play. You know, that'll change it.

Starting point is 00:06:29 Here we go. Welcome to a musical episode. Oh, my God. The mood has changed. Everyone knows. Now try. That was very, that was very Beirut. Yeah, now try.

Starting point is 00:06:53 Oh, she's a little Jadis Joplin. Oh, nice. Okay, you keep playing. I'll tinker. This is nice. OK, you keep playing. I'll tinker. This is nice. This is like the asparagus next to this New York strip. It's like, oh, and you're going to make and you're going to make everyone's pee smell weird. No, it's fine. But that is what it's all about. This is welcome to a musical episode of B&M with Jordan.

Starting point is 00:07:27 Oh, wow. We've got instruments aplenty and Rihanna has a clothing line named Fenty. I couldn't think of anything to write. It feels good, right? It feels good, right? Yeah, because I don't know if I said anything. Isn't this nice? You don't have to what? I don't want to express my rage. It just was off-grid. I was off-grid for a whole weekend,

Starting point is 00:07:55 and I didn't have to talk to my friend Ian. And I was able to just tune out, and now I'm back, and I wanna shout I don't wanna talk to people anymore I wanna go home to my puppy and I wanna sleep and snore I wanna go to bed and sleep all day It's not that I'm depressed I just have to say that I'm tired of cameras and zoom recorders and microphones in my face and having no space in New York.

Starting point is 00:08:32 Oh, yeah. Now, don't you feel better? Yeah. Second verse better than the first. Here she comes. Hit it. Yeah. I just want a lot of money so I can go away.

Starting point is 00:08:52 I just want a lot of money so I can stay away. Away from what? You. Oh, you. I'm just going to join the horn session. And he was talking about how he had seven siblings and for his parents, it was hard. And I thought, is that all we are is just talking about how hard our parents did. Think about their parents. what would they say?

Starting point is 00:09:25 They got their arms blown off in a fucked up way cause it's war. Yeah, they had war and what do we have? Just a bunch of gay boars and a bunch of trans whores. ["The Bachelorette"] Feels good, don't it? This is hitting the pop of the top charts. If I hear the words

Starting point is 00:09:52 Did you post a clip today? I'm gonna blow away all my brains and say I'll kill myself today. Kill myself today. Who am I singing like it sounds like somebody? I'm a Yoko this Talk to my agent on the phone and she said I'm really happy with your followers have grown and I said well what about the empty void inside my heart that can't be filled with joy and she said I don't care I'm losing the connection I can't hear you are you in a dead zone and

Starting point is 00:10:38 I said more dead than you could know. No. It seems the woods did you well. I really feel like you're living in hell. Is this a cry for help or should you yell, I don't know. I wanna support you, but you make it hard. Keeping your phone off, getting mad when I call. And I try to call to check in and say how are you as a person and you yell leave me alone leave me alone don't call my phone don't text either I told you I'm off

Starting point is 00:11:17 the grid oh sorry Jordan I got hit in the head Gordon, I got hit in the head. Oh my God, we're still talking about you getting hit in the head. And I said it to make you smile because seeing you smile makes me happy. Why won't you just be happy and realize that heaven is a place on earth? If heaven's a place on earth and kill me now so I can get to the other one that's somewhere else, please. I've been looking for an excuse. So don't mind me.

Starting point is 00:11:54 I'm gonna stab you in your aorta. Okay, but do it fast because I'm squeamish. Watch out Juno, that was amazing. I mean, what? That was great, huh? Incredible. If it got going to a point where you were actually venting and barfing up hard, like hard, dark secrets, but we had to keep the music going like, keep it going. Yeah. Keep it going.

Starting point is 00:12:20 It's just a. As soon as the song ends, I'm going to die. It's been 55 minutes and we got to still talk to Jordan off a ledge. Thanks for having me, guys. This was really fun. Thanks for coming. Oh, it's sweet. Yeah. Happy you guys are here. We did it. You made it.

Starting point is 00:12:37 Yeah, it's Vietnamese. Oh, sweet. Oh, not bad. Anyway, on the pot today, we have Sean Patten, who has a TV show coming out. Let's sing him onto the show. No, no, no, no, no. I got ready.

Starting point is 00:12:56 Everybody got ready. Can I play your trumpet? What's going on with the show? Oh, you need your own mouthpiece. You need your own mouthpiece. Yeah, yes you do. Yeah, cause you go. Yeah, cuz you go It's gross. We can't just wash it. We barely know each other. Yeah

Starting point is 00:13:11 What better way to know each other? That means now even blood brothers I only have eyes you get mouth and nose and stuff because I have a mustache and a cigarette Well, I have a you only He only gave me... He gave me my outstanding features. I see what you mean. You have no mouth. Maybe it's art. Maybe it's suggesting you are... His other pieces don't have mouths too, correct? I don't. For the bad friends, I think they have mouths. Yeah, they gotta have mouths. Maybe it's wishful thinking. I really like it. It is. Should we show it? Yeah. they gotta have mouths. Hmm. What do you think? Maybe it's wishful thinking.

Starting point is 00:13:45 I really like it. It is. Should we show it? Yeah. It's really cool. How cool is this? It's a cool piece. This is badass art.

Starting point is 00:13:53 Ta-da! Yay. Yeah, there's a mouth-ish. No, it's not. Never mind. Yeah, no, it's part of the art piece. It's really cool. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:14:04 Who did this? Who did that? Yo, that's bad ass. Why does everybody have a bad name for everything? So that you just keep it inside. Is it is that is that Elvis and Beetlejuice? Is that the yeah, that was us on Halloween. Why don't we hang it right there and we can move the Marlboro to there or something? Oh, what's going on with the lava lamp?

Starting point is 00:14:23 It looks like when my poops come out because I took magnesium, but I'm constipated. You know what I mean? That looks like const or something. What's going on with the lava lamp? It looks like when my poops come out because I took magnesium but I'm constipated. You know what I mean? That looks like constipated poops. Yeah, it comes out looking like spider roll. Yeah. But without the roll, just the spider. Yeah, that's constipated poops right there.

Starting point is 00:14:36 There we go. When they just come out as the inside of the poop and you don't get the whole casing. You know about it. When you get the- The casing? Casing. It's like a sausage? Yeah. I've never looked.

Starting point is 00:14:48 Yeah. I look every day. I have a camera set up in there. Yeah, that's badass wood art. Luis Jaime, scroll saw artist. This is so cool. It's really cool. Yeah. Do you want us to draw a mouth on it? No. It's part of the art. I know his other art. I don't have a mouth I just have a thing because of my mustache, you know girl mustache. I love it If you saw this episode was like fuck. I forgot the fuck Sitting on his table I'll remember one. Can we just say how fun that music? So what is the TV show about? What what's the TV show about? What is jumping in? Well, we're definitely not jumping into just saying things are good that we just did

Starting point is 00:15:35 We can jump into that side of the pool It was like that Australian breakdancer like we liked it. We had fun. What was with that? Was she being earnest? I think she really thought it was different and unique and cool. And no one else felt the same way. And no one else told her once. She looked like a body being possessed in like a exorcist movie. I just thought she looked like a protester trying to protest like breakdancing being in the Olympics.

Starting point is 00:16:03 I think, oh, you protesting this. Oh, dude. Yeah. Someone made a video of her doing that, but all you can hear is the squeaking of her feet and her farting. The funniest thing I've ever seen. I didn't watch it. I was trying to find the original video,! I think the Australian government scrubbed it from the internet, and I'm not kidding, because the original video, it doesn't exist.

Starting point is 00:16:49 No, I can't find the original. It's just those kind of videos that are out there. It's not the Australian government, it might be her. I mean, you can really. There's so many, there's like 40 variations before you get to the original. You can't find the original. You can't find the original, no.

Starting point is 00:17:04 But did she say something? Did she say this is, I was doing it, because she's also like a professor. Was she doing some statement or was she just really bad? Have we seen previous videos that she's done? Wasn't she a professor of break dancing though? This is, she was a professor to teach us a lesson that we should not have break dancing as an Olympic event.

Starting point is 00:17:21 No, I think that's hard to disagree. I think we, if, if, if fucking synchronized swimming can be then break dancing as an Olympic. No, I think that's what the lesson is. Hard to disagree. I think we if if if if fucking synchronized swimming can be then. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Synchronized swimming is an absolute art and it takes years and like precision and skill to know why this great breakdancing. So does break now. It's just breakdancing underwater.

Starting point is 00:17:42 Breakdancing. It's it's it's up there with like. They all look like fools. I don't think, I mean. No, have you seen good ones? No, they don't. Have you seen good break dancers? Where have you seen good break dancing?

Starting point is 00:17:51 The movie Breaking. Oh yeah, you're right. Shit, I'm bad. That's good break dancing. No, I mean that's. Unless it's on a cardboard box in the Bronx, I don't want to see it. Well that's the same thing. And that goes for skateboarding too, because it's both subcultures.

Starting point is 00:18:04 Yeah. I think it should be there. I think, I Well, then, well, then guess what? And that goes for skateboarding too, because it's both subcultures that. Yeah, I think it should be there. I think, I think, I think. I don't think subcultures should be in the Olympics. I mean, fuck, I say, but it might give a kid an opportunity. Might give someone a fucking opportunity to go to Spain. Aw, Mr. TV show coming out. Look at this, the kids need opportunity.

Starting point is 00:18:23 I know, what a fucking loser I've become. No, how many, what is the limit though? You know what I mean? Is bowling gonna be in it? That's the thing. Dude, just rotate. They should rotate them out. They should rotate.

Starting point is 00:18:35 So shot puts should stay in the fucking. Shot put is crazy. It's fucking boring and dumb. It's throwing a heavy ball real far. Javelin is cool. How about when they long jump? I'm like, what is that? That's what I did as a kid.

Starting point is 00:18:48 Long jump. I think pole vaulting should, men's pole vaulting is done for a few Olympics. Why, because of that guy's penis? He did the thing. It's like, let's move on to something else for a bit. Oh, his penis got stuck? Because his dick knocked one off.

Starting point is 00:19:01 I mean, that was an Olympic size hog. Yeah, yeah. You guys see that? I saw his balls catch. Yeah. His whole unit caught. Yeah. It was like flippity flop on the thing. His pull. Nothing will be.

Starting point is 00:19:13 This has been a horny Olympics. Why don't we just make it the oldest, the longest running sports? Chopfoot, javelin, the stuff you guys don't like. Tell you what's not in there, break dancing. It should be kind of boring and no Snoop Dogg. What is he The stuff you guys don't like. Tell you what's not in their breakdancing. Boring. And no Snoop Dogg. What is he doing there? We don't like change. You know, it definitely can't be an Olympic sport.

Starting point is 00:19:31 Women voting. I can't be in there. No, that shouldn't be in there. Although Snoop Dogg is the least athletic person in the world. Why not have some Olympians? Because they needed a ratings. Yeah, they needed ratings. Just go back to not needing ratings and just having it be, how do they need ratings?

Starting point is 00:19:48 You get to see so much pussy. Huh? There was none of that in the Olympics. There wasn't that much pussy. Oh, I know what you mean. Like all the volleyball players. Like hot women? Yeah, there are some insanely.

Starting point is 00:19:59 It's crazy. We can all act like we love watching the sport, but then you're like, huh. It's the most fun to watch. Yeah, it is. Yeah, ping pong's great. Ping pong's hard. Why is that so fun when they do that little backhand thing

Starting point is 00:20:10 where they like fake it out and they're like, oh, when they're like this? They're like, shoo. Yeah. Hunger. Yeah. I like the one guy who was just walking and hit like he wasn't, like he forgot

Starting point is 00:20:19 he was playing for a second. Yeah. And won. I like that. I like a little, I like Sassy Ping Pong. That's the name of my band. That's my new album title. Sassy Ping Pong, it's got a ring to it.

Starting point is 00:20:30 There was some Asian lady that was like 38 or something, and she crushed. Ping Pong? Jiu Jitsu. Oh. Not Jiu Jitsu. Racist. Not Jiu Jitsu, it was Asian though.

Starting point is 00:20:42 What's the, wait, wait, which one was racist? Here. You thought her name was Ping Pong? No, I thought it was, though. What's it? Wait, wait, which one was racist here? You thought her name was Ping Pong? No, I thought it was. I thought the spore was Ping Pong. I didn't think her name was Ping Pong. I thought her name was Ping Ling. They did have two Asian guys going against each other named Long and Wang. They did have that.

Starting point is 00:20:59 I saw that. I've seen the Olympics through memes. Yeah, I bet you did. The box and that poor trans lady who wasn't trans, she's suing Elon Musk and... I saw that. I've seen the Olympics through memes. Yeah, I bet you did. The box and that poor trans lady who wasn't trans, she's suing Elon Musk and... Is she? Oh, I hope she makes so much money. She's just a horse-faced lady. It's gotta suck. That's gotta suck. It's so fucked up.

Starting point is 00:21:15 They should make, they should make, they should fight. She should get to fight Elon Musk. Man vs. Man. But like, but just right now, like no training Elon, just in the, cause he likes to fight, right? He's probably like a mid-level jujitsu guy, like everybody in the fucking world. Have you seen him without his shirt on?

Starting point is 00:21:31 He looks like a fucking odd shaped pineapple. Upside, like an upside down, like a swinger. Yeah, he has an autistic front bum. Body is very strange looking. Yeah, he has autism belly. Yeah. Autism belly? That's a good album title. Autism belly? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:21:45 That's a good album title. Yeah. Autism belly is good. That'll be it. Ooh. He has it where you take it off and you're like, you've been doing a lot of weird walking. You walk weird.

Starting point is 00:21:52 That's so funny. You've been walking weird. You got two different shoes on for some reason. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:22:01 Autism belly. And he's suing J.K. Rowling. She is, she, she, she, she is suing. Really? Yeah, not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

Starting point is 00:22:11 I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

Starting point is 00:22:19 I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not pussy going out of that fight. A pussy, dude. To be like, I've never been hit like that before. It's like, you're a boxer, lady.

Starting point is 00:22:30 And yeah, she was just sobbing. There was some other thing. She hit me too hard. That was bad. Well, wait, where's the- This is spicy, but it's spicy. She's from Iran, the other one? Yeah, it's also like, yeah, one of you-

Starting point is 00:22:43 Luzon Owl. One of you grew up in the tourist capital of Europe and the other one in a constantly war-torn country. Yeah. It's like, yeah, your punches are gonna throw, they're gonna come with a little more mustard. Yeah. She had those noodle arms.

Starting point is 00:22:56 The problem is, when you weigh. So they're rowin' the boat in the vanish. When you weigh in, the short girl and the tall girl were the same weight class because the tall one was so skinny, but she had the longest reach ever, so she was just like, and the girl was, and it was like, that's crazy. I've seen UFC fights that are like that,

Starting point is 00:23:17 and they're like pay-per-view, and you're all excited to watch, and the fight ends in two seconds, and you're like, oh, I guess that's it. Go back to Epcot, bitch. She do be looking like a dude, though, I tell you what, some of those pictures, I was like, that's a swagger lesbian. The cut on your chin. I smashed my on my chin.

Starting point is 00:23:31 Yeah. Oh, it's like a chin burger. No, it was almond. Oh, it's back on. Sam, I hate when I have almond on my face. You don't want to be caught with almond on your face. All those times. Now you're agitating it. You smashed what?

Starting point is 00:23:48 What happened? I ran through the woods and I smashed my face on sticks. When? Well that's a, it's a therapeutic thing. At the wedding. It went for a run in the woods. What wedding? My stepbrother got married.

Starting point is 00:24:01 Not the one I had sex with. Not the one? No. Okay. But I was sexually harassing that one the entire time. Oh. Is he with child or with a woman? Yeah, he was with a woman. With a child woman.

Starting point is 00:24:11 Does he have children? No. I still feel like it's okay to break up relationships before they have children. Oh, he's back with his girlfriend? Or is it a new girlfriend? Tyler? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:24:20 Back with girlfriend. She's awesome. She's very sweet. Really? Yeah, I like her. A lot. They? Yeah. Back with girlfriend. She's awesome. She's very sweet. Really? Yeah, I like her.

Starting point is 00:24:28 A lot. They don't open it up at Christmas or something. Stealing back. One can only hope. It was a really good wedding though. It made me very. Where was it? It was in California and deep in the woods.

Starting point is 00:24:40 Deep, deep, deep. And it was very, they rode horses in. Whoa, I saw a wedding like that once. It was crazy. Well, one carriage. But they were on horseback? Yeah. Whoa, that's crazy.

Starting point is 00:24:51 Down the steep hill, I was terrified, but it was really good. It's funny going to those weddings because then you take pictures and there's so many lesbians and weird guys that you just have to be like, can the three, can only the parents now, yeah, all six of the mothers, weird,

Starting point is 00:25:03 weird Billy stand next to the left, weird Billy, the uncle weird Billy and nobody knows who's who. And I kept grabbing Tyler like I was his date and people would be like, please stop, please stop, please stop, you're his sibling, please stop. But I couldn't stop. I was really pushing the limits. I was doing a good job, I ate mushrooms,

Starting point is 00:25:20 I was doing some flirting for the first time in my life. With your family. I was flirting with my whole family. Yeah, at a family. That's what I do. My mom did mushrooms and tried to, oh my God. Start where you're comfortable. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:25:31 You did mushrooms with your mom? My mom was like, I need more, I need more, I need more. I was like, mom, you're fucking out of control. She smoked a cigarette? It was crazy. Whoa, dude. It was crazy. You wanna, we should edit that out.

Starting point is 00:25:43 She tried to fuck this lady and everybody had to keep telling her that the lady had, the lady was coming on to, dude. It was crazy. You want to we should edit that out. She tried to fuck this lady and everybody had to keep telling her that the lady had the lady was coming on to your mom. Wait, your mom on shrooms was like, I'm going to do it. Yeah. Just walk out, walking around. Hey, you know, yeah. Wait, could you talk about this on stage? Your moms are less not lesbians. They should be three lesbian moms, two are together.

Starting point is 00:26:02 One is single. They were all three at the wedding. Oh, I love that. Who was your mom trying to fuck? Some lady. Just some young woman my age that was there. She was also, she was saying she was a lesbian a lot and her boyfriend was. Your mom was trying to fuck someone your age?

Starting point is 00:26:19 Always. That's. Yeah, she goes young. Oh yeah. Wild. I know. If I'm like, you should meet this lady. And she's like, what's her name?

Starting point is 00:26:26 And I'm like, you know, Deborah. She's like, that's an old person's name and I know what you're trying to do. It's entrapment. There's probably something. Has your mom ever dated someone younger than you? Yeah. Really? No.

Starting point is 00:26:39 No wonder you hate when guys date young girls. Because my mom does it and it's gross. It's disrespect. Yeah. Just makes sense. But how young, like you're, like, you think there's something that a parent, like the moment they see you when you hit puberty, that's an age they become attracted to

Starting point is 00:26:55 that they have to fight against forever? I don't know, I'm just throwing this out there. Wait, yeah, can you take it back? I'm just launching these out there, I don't know. We're podcasting, baby, I don't know what I'm saying. The second your kid turns a certain age, you were then allowed to be attracted to that kid's age. Yeah, forever.

Starting point is 00:27:10 Right? Wait, can you explain more? I don't understand. I'm doing the thing where I'm just agreeing. I'm like, where are you? What the fuck? No, I think men, and my mom is like basically a man, want younger women.

Starting point is 00:27:22 Wow, you sound like J.K. Rowling right now. You're about to be sued by your auntie and boxer. I want younger women. Wow, you sound like J.K. Rowling right now. You're about to be sued by Iranian boxer. You're about to get fucking in trouble at the Olympics. What if your mom started hooking up with that boxer? She would never. No, because she's not hot. My mom only fucks hotties. But in makeup, though. No, no, not even makeup.

Starting point is 00:27:44 She is kind of hot in like a manish woman way. Yeah, like a lead singer in Poison way. Hmm, yeah. Like a Motley Crue in the 80s way. Like a dude looks like a lady way. Ah, ah, who looks like a lady? Get that guitar, dude. Ah, ah, who looks like a lady?

Starting point is 00:28:03 But yeah, it was very interesting. People just kept coming up to my mom and being like, she has a partner, she has a partner, she has a partner. And my mom was like, shut up. She doesn't care at all, she'll break up a marriage. She's done it before, she'll do it again. That's their fault for bringing partners around your mom.

Starting point is 00:28:19 Dispute behavior. You bring anyone around fucking Jordan Jensen senior. You gonna get fucked by Jordan Jensen senior. JJS we call her. She gets up in there. She'll morse code your vagina into a screaming fit of orgasm. Okay. She will get down there, slurp you like a whole goddamn oyster plant. All right.

Starting point is 00:28:44 Oh, gross. Gross. gross, a whole plant. If you can't handle it, don't bring your shit around, JJ Senior. Oyster plant? That's what you call an unslerped vagina. An oyster plant? No, she'll get down there and water your mama's, she'll water a vagina like your vagina's an orchid

Starting point is 00:29:02 in the goddamn desert. I write these for your mom. Oh, thank you. I'm a hype man for your mother. My mom does say that. I was at the wedding too. Like that's slipperier than deer guts on a doorknob. Yeah, that's great.

Starting point is 00:29:15 Yeah. That's fucking insane. Why would deer guts be on a doorknob? I don't know, but it's about as fast as a raccoon running out of pizza. But are you hungry? It's about me. I was about that's about as sticky as glue inside of a redacted CIA file.

Starting point is 00:29:43 You know what I mean? Man. Oh Oh man. That's about as hot as a lizard on some real high. That's about as smelly as tuna in a sauna full of Russian guys who just fucked one newbie. I'm tighter than a pack of sardines shoved up a child's ass. It has to make some sense. Yeah, we're talking about eating pussy. Oh, talking about eating pussy.

Starting point is 00:30:13 I'll slurp it up like a third world country child getting aid from the U.N. Oh, my water truck, my water, water, water from dirty water. Oh man. G spots deeper in there than a conversation about camo on a bunch of people on LSD in the seventies. All right. Jetski, you give us, you give us a word and we'll say what, what it is. Go ahead.

Starting point is 00:30:44 Chocolate. All right, you give us you give us a word and we'll say what what it is. Go ahead. Chocolate. I'm chocolate. Then Willy Wonka's cock once you got dipped in an African ranch grass. I'm fresher than. And then you do chocolate as well. OK, go ahead. Oh, pudding. Pudding pudding.

Starting point is 00:31:01 Man, she got her third year, her crotch is sloppier than Bill Cosby's whole refrigerator after electricity went out right after he got the Jello money. Another one. All right. Ukraine. Oh, Ukraine. I crane my neck trying to look up that girl's skirt on the subway. Cause I'm an old pervert named Jordan Jensen senior. JJS man.

Starting point is 00:31:34 JJS. Another word. Nicotine. Nicotine. You got to do adjectives. Nicotine since I was a teenager. Now I only Nick adults. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:31:53 Okay. Fiery. I'm more fiery than a lit and then a 12 year old gymnast who's going lickety split on the high beam on a wet summer Sunday. Smelly. Oh, smelly man. That's smellier than a cat that's been eating tuna out of can. That ain't been washed in three weeks.

Starting point is 00:32:21 There's a lot of them. Oh man. That's six years and fucking a bunch of genitalia hung on a wall for scientific research and you're in there alone after just eating a whole goddamn tray of motherfucking sushi, not realizing the extent of the aphrodisiac in fish. And you're just like, well, what am I going to do with all this Vaseline? Y'all ain't never been there. Oh, I'm the only one got trapped in the basement full of pussies and dicks and started practicing and realized I mastered one of them.

Starting point is 00:33:02 You can do this for the whole show. I know. Can we keep going? Sticky. I know, can we keep going? Sticky? I'm stickier than if you take a brick, put it on another brick, try and pull it apart, you realize that the magnetism of the weight ain't nothing but gravity, but them so heavy they might as well be stuck together because you ain't got no muscle tone because your

Starting point is 00:33:22 wife keeping you held up in a little crate in the backyard because she heard that that's how you make veal meat. So now you turn into a gooey gop so when you pick up a brick, boy, how do that sticky as hell? Whoa! Whoo! Astronomically.

Starting point is 00:33:41 No. No? That's not a... That's an adjective. Is it? That's an adjective. Is it? That's an adverb. Astronomical. Man, I tell you, I tell you what, man, her pussy was like a billion stars and galaxies

Starting point is 00:33:54 and quasars and asteroids and all the things we do and do not know, man. It was the end of the beginning of life. And the big bang was when she, the big bang was when she exploded on my damn face and life began with a big old sloppy queef. You want to talk about black holes? I'll chernomical her ass all day. Well, wait, wait, wait, can we give you one? Okay. But I'm really, I can't, I don't know. Wait, can we give you one?

Starting point is 00:34:25 Okay, but I'm really, I don't think much. Cold. Heat, I was gonna say heat. Wow. And is it anything? That's colder. That's colder than a Sunday when the sun's not out and it's raining in Seattle

Starting point is 00:34:42 and there's a Air Force show going on. There's an Air Force show going on. I just was in Seattle last week and that's what happened. When we find out this is Jet Ski's new, like she just goes on stage for an hour like, give me another one. Dirtier, dirtier. That's dirtier than his floor on the subway on a Monday afternoon. There you go. Minor literal. Yeah, that's pretty dirty.

Starting point is 00:35:16 Pretty dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty. And that's dirty as shit. Ducks don't shower. Ducking dirty is as dirty as you may. You ever see a duck in a shower, you got a head injury. You let me know. You call me on the phone. If you are in the shower and you see a duck, because of you going quack, quack, pass the shampoo, you might be having a hand injury. If you see a cat paid to get on the subway, you might be having a hand injury.

Starting point is 00:35:52 If you ever see a cat ride a bus in Russia, you might be reading The Master and Margarita by Bulgarov. Oh! That's for me. And your your judge. Yeah, you can I just start calling. Can I do you mind if I start referring to you as Jordan Jensen? I love it. Behind your back.

Starting point is 00:36:18 I love it so much. In front of my back, behind my back. People go, oh, yeah, you're in a go. You know, I'm just a junior home. Cook meals are better for you. in front of my back, behind my back. People go, Junior, and I go, you don't know? Cassie knows. Junior, Junior. Home cooked meals are better for you, but you don't always have time to pull it off. Lucky for you, there's HelloFresh.

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Starting point is 00:36:59 I would love HelloFresh if they sent me a box to try out, but they haven't yet. So I can't give them a... There's a form you fill out that was sent to the emails. I don't like forms because form is short for formula and I don't do math. HelloFresh, you customize your fresh delivery every week. If you do adjust a delivery or skip week, it's totally fine. For free breakfast for life, go to hello fresh.com slash free ska. That's right. One breakfast item per box while subscription is active. That's free breakfast for life. Just by going to hello fresh.com slash free ska. Hello fresh. America's number one meal

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Starting point is 00:39:35 go to my bookie. Yes, it helps us, help us help you. I would like to gamble on the presidency election. You have that on my bookie? Yeah, they got everything. Really? Yeah, use the code. Okay, I will. Check it out.

Starting point is 00:39:49 See you on my bookie. I do wanna know about this show. Oh, it's called English Teacher. It is on the FX, it's on FX. It airs September 2nd. It's created by Brian Jordan-Alvarez and Stephanie Koenig and Jonathan Kreisel and he directed it. He's awesome. And they're also awesome. They star in it. And it's fantastic. It's awesome. I'm very lucky, very fortunate.

Starting point is 00:40:13 That's like an ingress teacher during summer school. What do you play in it? I'm the sort of reformed bigoted PE coach who's the best self-proclaimed best friend of the main character who's just like, I'm just trying to fucking figure out my way in this shit too. Okay. So it's a good it's great in that regard like it's a show that doesn't take a side it goes after everyone and at the guy I play is basically like I think your average 40 year old dude who grew up in the suburbs who's just like no I'm cool with gay I guess. Yeah yeah yeah. I'm just

Starting point is 00:40:44 trying to figure it out dude fuck stop making yeah, yeah. And it's like, I'm just trying to figure it out, dude. Fuck, stop making it so hard. Oh, hell yeah. So it's like fun. And it's like also, but the show's really fucking funny. The, you know, it's, it's like amazing to be a part of. Like it was a, it went by so fast. And then you, like the reality that it's actually coming out and it's just, it's fucking awesome.

Starting point is 00:41:02 How long did it take to film? Two months. I mean, but like it was, living in Atlanta for two months and just in and out. Oh, it's filmed in Atlanta. They filmed a lot of shit. Everything is filmed in Atlanta. That's awesome.

Starting point is 00:41:12 Every fucking thing. That's so cool. That's so cool. Yeah, it was awesome. I'm really excited about it. It's fucking great. What's it about, the whole show? It's set in a high school in the suburbs of Austin.

Starting point is 00:41:24 And it's set in a high school, but suburbs of Austin. And it's set in a high school. But I would say the show is actually about like sane people trying to adjust in a world where every fucking week, the goalposts move. OK. So like the lead, the guy who created Brian Jordan Alvarez, if you know that is, he's like a he's pretty big on Tiktok. He's been he's been in a ton of fucking movies, ton of Will and Grace. He's in the Megan, Megan one, Megan two. But he plays a gay English teacher

Starting point is 00:41:49 who's also trying to adjust to being like, wait, I'm gay, why do I have to be an ally too? And that kind of stuff. And it's just funny. It's a funny fucking show. But we go for it. I mean, second episodes about drag queens in school. There's an episode about guns.

Starting point is 00:42:05 It's like, yeah, the show goes for it. It's fucking, it's funny. It keeps, like, it's more on the funny side than it is the serious, like, like The Bear is an amazing show, but I think right now The Bear's got the like, drama, where it's the drama, but you also laugh, whereas this is more just like, hey, this is gonna be,

Starting point is 00:42:23 I mean, it's, I'm very fucking excited. It's very funny more just like, hey, this is going to be, I mean, it's, it's, I'm, I'm very fucking excited. It's very funny and very like truly funny. Not just like, you know, not being funny in a way that's like, Hey, this is funny, right? Everyone. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, nah, fuck you. This is funny. If you don't like it, keep watching. Oh, that's awesome. This is funny. We're moving on. We're making good shit. Nice, man. Play him a trumpet. Hell yeah. That was I wish that I just I wouldn't like I wish I want you to email me one of those a day or text me just like a trumpet sound a day. I got you.

Starting point is 00:42:55 I'd be like, oh, man, I'm feeling a little melancholy. Ah, yeah. Excuse me. I do like the idea of it going into an email. I like that you went email first. I'll email you. Well, Hollywood. Please. And also the morning.

Starting point is 00:43:11 Do you ever just wake up in the morning and just reach over and grab it and just morning trumpet? I want to play it so bad. Yeah, I bet you do. It upsets me that you won't let me play with your toy. Yeah, well, you should get your own mouthpiece. Yeah, well, I can't. The mouthpiece stores close.

Starting point is 00:43:29 Can I use yours? I'm sure I thought I had this as a lesson. I got a guy. I need a mouthpiece for that picture. Fucking great. For what? Yeah. Hey, Bobby, what if I wash it? No, don't let him do it. Some things in life you can't have.

Starting point is 00:43:45 Damn. You want to have it more. I just want to go, boo boo boo boo boo. You won't sound like that. Y'all saw how cool that was. How do you know? What if you're keeping me away from being an amazing trumpet player?

Starting point is 00:44:00 I like having power. Damn. How can you play so many notes with only three little guys? And there's a fourth one. It's all about the shape of your lips, right? Oh, and it slides. And the pressure? Yeah, and the shape of your tongue and the air flow. Wait.

Starting point is 00:44:20 That was your mouth doing that? If I take... That was your mouth doing that? If I take it. Wow. This one's cool about it. Wow. So your mouth is making it, does it slide? It would look, it would make you, it would make you look better at it if you let me do it. You want to know, you want to hear something funny?

Starting point is 00:44:42 Oh that front piece don't slide. You want to hear something funny on a podcast? No, by me. It's rare. No, this is just a hard point. You know, do you know who? God damn it. Wait, Steve Enix. No Richard Deere Roberts dizzy Gillespie Okay, that's right vain keep going Darius what rocker? Shit shit, I am I forgetting something. I know Alanis more John Lee Hooker. No, who's he Gillespie?

Starting point is 00:45:13 He's eagles be New Orleans Trumpet, you're a big boo. That's a Louis. I'm sure no no, but that but we're going but common my more Modern day man, Johnny. No Mancioni? No, no. Chuck Baker. No, but New Orleans based. Oh, God damn, why am I fucking asshole? I forget his name. Mark Norman.

Starting point is 00:45:29 Yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry. Just kidding. Emre Lagasse. Drew Brees. No, um. Anyway, I remember his name at some point, but he was at a bar and he has a diamond encrusted trumpet. Whoa.

Starting point is 00:45:42 BB King. No, and that'd be great. And we were fucking around and I was like, hey, can I play that? Or can I see it? And he gave it to encrusted trumpet. Whoa. BB King. No, and that'd be great. And we were fucking around and I was like, hey, can I play that? Or can I see it? And he gave it to me and I blew and I did like a, and I made a sound and he laughed, took it back, handed it to his assistant.

Starting point is 00:45:55 His assistant took the mouthpiece out and threw it away. Ha ha ha! And then later was like, man. Because what happens, your spit's in there? He's just like, you can't do, you can't take it. You can't play another person's spit. You can't play another mouthpiece, man, sorry. I was like, oh shit, I'm so sorry. Because what happens, theits? He's just like you can't you can't do you can't play another person's mouthpiece man Sorry, I was like, oh shit. I'm so sorry. What happens it's gross

Starting point is 00:46:09 It's like kissing a stranger like you just walk up to a stranger and kiss them throw them in the trash I have to hit my vape grab them nine times a trash. I know and I'd share cigarettes, but there's something some things are sacred especially with Ian I Am I do like having something over you. I've never had power before. You have a toy that I can't play with. Is this what you feel like all the time? Because I feel like you're powerful, Jordan.

Starting point is 00:46:38 Kermit Ruffins. Kermit Ruffins. I don't want to play that. Diamond and Crusted. He has a diamond encrusted trumpet. That's so cool. Kermit Ruffins. That was his name. It still is his name.

Starting point is 00:46:50 It's alive. Yes, he threw it away. Right in front of my face. What if I clean it? But it didn't have diamonds on it. You don't know how to clean it. The mouthpiece did not. I'll clean it however you want me to.

Starting point is 00:46:58 Let me just play it for a second. It looked like a stealing vagina. I'll clean it right now. Next time you're in LA., I have another trumpet. You can look like make if you were such a like it would be crazy to make this like look like a butthole. It kind of does. I want to play it even more now.

Starting point is 00:47:16 I mean, have you ever eaten a butthole? I know me neither. You have it. I refuse. Yeah, but you're down there licking the balls, right? Yeah. So just go a little lower. You go balls. I have. Yeah. It you're down there licking the balls, right? Yeah. So just go a little lower. You go balls. I have. Yeah. It's the butthole feels. I can't. Why don't you lick salty from the sack?

Starting point is 00:47:31 We didn't. Have you looked up? Yeah. So how are you today? Hello. All right. We're humans. It helps society. Let me play your fucking trumpet. No way. Stop. You know what? Boundary set. Yeah. Cut it out. I have see it. Yeah, let me play your fucking trumpet. No way. Stop. Put the T up, Sarah.

Starting point is 00:47:45 Stop, boundary set. Yeah. Cut it out. I have intimacy issues, that's why. That's why you won't let him play the trumpet or you won't eat his ass. Lick my ass. No.

Starting point is 00:47:55 Would you rather eat an ass or let Ian blow on your trumpet? On camera? No. In general. We go in the bathroom, you let me blow your trumpet. It's I blow your trumpet or you blow mine. That would be so fucking hilarious to hook up with a guy like play me like a trumpet. He's like, figure it out.

Starting point is 00:48:14 And he's just and he's just I'm gonna come. Just hearing someone in the bathroom. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I'm like, she's playing them like a trumpet. They're like tipping me when I go. Well, they call eating a guy's ass and jerking him off. I'm like, I'm not going to do that. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it.

Starting point is 00:48:31 I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it.

Starting point is 00:48:39 I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going, she's playing them like a trumpet. They're like tipping me when I come out. Well, they call eating a guy's ass and jerking him off at the same time, the rusty trombone. Why does it gotta be rusty? Why can't it just be the trombone?

Starting point is 00:48:55 Because they call a butt hole a rusty bullet hole. A rusty bullet hole? Men always get out of making body parts more masculine, like like the family jewels, gonads, balls. I mean, do you remember? Did you ever hear a man? My pipe, I'm going to lay my pipe in you. What do you want us to do? Do you want my stamen from my flower daffodil?

Starting point is 00:49:18 You know, you queer. Just nothing's ever good enough for my penis. So scientific. What do women have? Do you want to have sex with my... All of ours are way more feminized. Pussy, my flower. Because you're effeminate and we're manly. I mean, I encourage... We're manly?

Starting point is 00:49:36 I'm more manly than fucking anybody you've let touch you in the past decade. My head. I've had car roll three times, cunt! Oh, Jesus. Yeah, guess who doesn't care? I hurt my head. I got corn rolled three times, Conn. Oh, yeah. Yeah, guess who doesn't care? You got what? This one.

Starting point is 00:49:51 Wait, corn rolled? Huh? You got corn rolled three times. You got corn rolled three times. It hurt my head. They were too tight. And she won't stop not caring about it. That's why you're up and in a hat.

Starting point is 00:50:05 They do be corn rowing too tight. Yeah. We're in Brooklyn. I got corn rows too tight when I was in high school. I said, Chaddy, too tight. He said, too tight. He too tight. I got corn rows and I grew a mustache as a result.

Starting point is 00:50:17 Wait. All the hair got pushed out. Is that what you're saying? You got corn row in your head? He rolled his car. Oh, my? He rolled his car. Car rolled. Car rolled. Car rolled. Oh, that's different. That's a whole different set of circumstances. I'm sorry to hear it.

Starting point is 00:50:31 Car rolled. I'm fine now, but I encourage women to roll it. I mean, I'm not, but it's fine. I got a bobo. You want to kiss my hatchet wound? Ew. I hate hatchet wounds and meat curtains. I don't like that. Oh, I like those.

Starting point is 00:50:44 You like meat curtains? I don't like hatchet Oh, I like those. You like meat? I don't like hatchet wounds. Hatchet wounds or shotgun blasts or. Oh, you know, girl, shotgun. Oh, boy, like all shotgun blasts. Shotgun blasts. Yeah. Jen's key, do you run your dick like that? She looked like a whole background. Shot. Do you know what an injury looks like if you get shot with a shotgun?

Starting point is 00:51:09 It's messy. It don't look like a vagina. I can tell you that. Maybe in a period. Maybe a specific moment in the vagina's existence. Yeah. Put a tamp on it. That's your new catcher is. My dad said that to me one time about having sex with my mom. I was like, wait, wait, wait, you had sex with your mom. He was like, oh, I'm having sex with your mom.

Starting point is 00:51:32 Yeah, I was like, I was like, no, he was like, did you go on a date with that guy? And I was like, yeah. And he was like, did you have sex? And I was like, no, I have my period. And he goes, when your mom used to have a beard, I used to put tampon in it and play with the clit. And I was like, I'm going to watch. I'm going to kill both of us. Yeah. I'm going to barf and then I'm going to murder both of us. Because I can't go another day on this earth knowing that you have said that. What was he expecting? Like a high five? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:52:00 Tell me more. A real father, mother or father. Light a fire. I'll be at your feet. Tell me, Papa. I'll bang your mom until she cries. Outer pussy. You're the best, Dad. Thanks, Dad. Yeah. Thanks for helping me with my project.

Starting point is 00:52:18 This reenactment of the American Revolution is really going to get me a B minus. But this lesson, an A plus. Wait, we're all making fun and she's just thousand yards staring. Are you okay? Are you all right? Come back to us. One of them said, Jordan, Jordan,

Starting point is 00:52:34 he's not in the room, please. We're your friends. Leheh. Ha ha ha ha. Jordan, the ghost of your father. Get the goddamn. I'll get the proton pack. We'll capture him and put him away.

Starting point is 00:52:52 So patriotic. You were going you were going somewhere. You went to war. I was going to war. You got deployed just now. To the battle zone of your memory. You just got dropped off in the jungle. No, no backup. Are we? zone of your memory. You just got dropped off in the jungle. No, no backup.

Starting point is 00:53:07 Are we three man platoon? And they're all lesbian mothers. Jetski, do you run bisexual? I'm just going to keep asking you inappropriate questions every lol. Bisexuals. That wasn't a lol. Everybody quiet.

Starting point is 00:53:21 That's key for three seconds. You've eaten a pussy before. No, I haven't. But I've thought about it. But I think bisexuals would be mad if I labeled myself like that, because I've never done the thing. Who cares? Just do it. Do what? I do. I do like being with the men.

Starting point is 00:53:40 Sexually, though. So I'd like to find a man. I'd like to find a man. I'd like to find a man. What are your requirements for a man? Oh, OK. So I really do have intimacy issues. And I think I'm I don't know yet. And I'm trying to work on myself before I start dating. So what are your intimacy?

Starting point is 00:53:56 What do you need to make this like I get really fast crushes on people. And then, like, I don't know them at all. And it's more of the fantasy. And then I start to get to know them. And then I'm like, it's like I was under a spell. And then I don't want to talk to, and it's more of a fantasy, and then I start to get to know them, and then it's like I was under a spell, and then I don't want to talk to them anymore. Yeah, you get spooked. Jesus, why'd you guys sit us together?

Starting point is 00:54:11 What do you mean? Now I'm gonna be like, I've got intimacy issues because... You do that too? No, I do do that too. I have 1,000% to do that. We all do do that. No, but I do that,

Starting point is 00:54:22 the way you said, I was like, wait a second, how bad are my intimacy, because I do the exact same thing. We all do it. You get a fast said, I was like, wait a second, how bad are my intimacy? Cause I do the exact same thing. We all do it. You get a fast crush, you're like, oh my God. And then I'm like, I can't. And then he does something weird, like he, I don't know. In a media I'm like out.

Starting point is 00:54:32 Carol parks ugly or something, yeah. Like if it ever got a little bit real. So I don't even, it doesn't even have to get real for me. It just has to get like acknowledged. I'm like, what am I doing? Nevermind, I'm out. Fuck, you're right, you're right. I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:54:43 I'm gonna walk away forever. Flirting and crushes are fun. I do like crushes and flirting. Yeah. But I'm reluctant to get into something. But then when it becomes a real thing, you're like, oh no, it's like the fantasy world is better than the real world, you know?

Starting point is 00:54:56 It's scary. Yeah. Yeah, I called off a date today. Really? Yeah. Is that, really? I'm going tomorrow though, but I called it off today. Why?

Starting point is 00:55:04 Was the guy cool? Or girl? Yeah, he's very cool. Because I was like. Is he the park guy? Yeah, the that really I'm going tomorrow though, but I called it off today. Why was the guy cool or girl? Yeah, he's very cool because I was like is he the park guy Yeah the park guy because I was I had just gotten back from Cali and I was like if I I can't just do this thing right land Unpack and then immediately do my you know what I mean, so I was like and I wasn't feeling great. I had diarrhea bad The lava live, you know how you know I do not I had food poisoning It was correct. It was like you ever have food poisoning women where you're like Oh, I'm getting my period right now the cramps are so bad

Starting point is 00:55:34 And they're like I guess I'll go to the bathroom to see if I bleed and then you just fucking Diarrhea diarrhea everywhere. It's every day in my life you get your period Every that's you know how you give me shit because I'm always in the bathroom. That's what it is. Yeah, dude. That's fucked. You have explosive diarrhea explosive. Oh my God. It is terrible. And then you're really, really bad. Yeah. You're a really bad guy. And what? What? You're a bad guy. You do the two things that are like diarrhea. I get it. Fucking.

Starting point is 00:56:09 Coffee and cigarettes, everyone says it. No, well. But I do a thing where I diarrhea. I do a thing where I diarrhea. I do a thing where I diarrhea. And active open wound. And then I get up. People think I'm weird. Wait, wait, do you ever not? And then I get up. People think I'm weird.

Starting point is 00:56:27 Wait, wait, do you ever not? And then I get up and wipe, and the moving around jocks something loose. You are allergic to something, and you have to get it figured out. And I have to go to the bathroom again. Is that all right with you? Do you like living like that? I see it on my toes.

Starting point is 00:56:39 Apparently, yes. And everything hurts. You need to get checked. You need to get your allergen checked. I need to get my allergen checked checked. I need to get my allergen Check yourself. I gotta go to church. You're probably very allergic to gluten or something And cigarettes Full on like see what happens if you don't allergic to caffeine days

Starting point is 00:56:59 Why was I saw what it was I? I saw what it was. I knew what got me sick because it came out and say, Hey, how you doing? You didn't chew me girl. I was in it. It comes out talks to me. Oh, you just missed Missed it I would discuss one another what like mushroom reality like mushroom You really don't see conversations like this on podcast. It's fascinating because they're having fun, but there's an element of sort of denial back there. You look so pretty. You're not connecting. Oh, wait a second. Ian's complimenting Jordan. We haven't seen that since Luxembourg 96.

Starting point is 00:57:57 I think he's diverting attention because he has diarrhea right now. Definitely of the verbal type. You can I said I hit a bunch of him. You can see it twitching his eyes. Yeah. Yeah. Because I just saw it swimming in the pool. It was swimming.

Starting point is 00:58:11 It was a little buoy. It was a little buoy in Swamp Lake. While we're getting physical action on the field. There we go. Nobody know the difference. Oh, it was swimming. We're not supposed to interrupt because apparently this is where it could get lively.

Starting point is 00:58:26 It was calling for help on a deserted bog. No, I think they're still there. I still think they're still personifying their shit. Man, you just don't see it like this anymore. You just don't see podcasts like this anymore. What's up? We're just doing running commentary on you guys' shit talk. Shit talk.

Starting point is 00:58:47 The new podcast. Well you have to figure that out, cause that is fucked up. It's a fucking battle every day, man. It sucks. But I don't hear it when you go into the bathroom. I don't hear the flalallallala. Hey, can I see that?

Starting point is 00:58:58 Please. Thank you. Oh my God, but you know what's funny? Before I had food poisoning, when I farted, we were, me and my mom almost crashed the car because we were laughing so hard because I put the windows on lock. And I couldn't.

Starting point is 00:59:11 Oh yeah, that's the best. That's the best. Yeah. And it was so bad that even Coyote was like, oh! But it smelled like your farts. And I was trying to get her to get that, that's what your farts always smelled like.

Starting point is 00:59:24 And I was like, just smell it. And she had a bouquet from the get that, that's what your farts always smelled like. And I was like, just smell it. And she had a bouquet from the wedding and she was stuffing it in her nose. And at one point it was so bad that I thought I'd go, no, it's getting in, it's getting in. And it was, you do have a problem. You have food poisoning all the time. You're allergic to something.

Starting point is 00:59:37 We have to get to the bottom of it. Did you just say though that you farted and it smelled like one of Ian's farts? Yes, but I was really sick. But I was really sick. That's a new level of friendship. That's that's being that's no, that is being water borne side in the water.

Starting point is 00:59:51 You just water boring. You're attached. We're Siamese twins attached to the butthole. I live a bad life. I don't know. I think I live the same life. I can't tell the difference between the two of them anymore. I think they Freaky Friday for a second and he farted and left. These farts, your farts are that of a poisoned man.

Starting point is 01:00:12 Thank you. Oh, I'm the poison man. Goodbye. I put eyeshadow on. Deal with it. Does it? Back to my unsmelly existence. You want to see my come fucking face?

Starting point is 01:00:28 Ready? Here it is. Wow. Want to see it? Let's hear it. I just farted. That looks like you want to see my crayons face. Fainted.

Starting point is 01:00:36 Want to go coloring with me? Pretty much the same face. Watch. Do it to me. All the blood rushing from my brain to my face. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Full on faint. That's a way to the fuck.

Starting point is 01:00:54 Man, Jordan, so how she make you faint. You you like nipple play, don't you? You got intimacy issues? Not tonight. Where's Coyote? Where is Coyote? She's at home being a snoozy little dog. Guess what?

Starting point is 01:01:12 Everybody, huge announcement. I found out what breed she is. Ready? Oh. She's a Jensen. She's 100% Jensen. She's 25% Australian Cattle's twenty five percent. The third Australian cattle dog, which is what I thought.

Starting point is 01:01:28 Cattle dog. She's twenty five percent Jack Russell Terrier. She's 13 percent Chihuahua and the rest is super mutt. But super much as much Chihuahua as Jack Russell and the other ones, meaning she's a pimp has been.

Starting point is 01:01:42 Oh, cool. Come on. That is cool. Everybody asked me what she is all the day because she's a pimp-ass bitch. Whoa, cool. Come on! That is cool. Everybody asks me what she is all the day because she's so special and I finally found out. Did you get a 23 and me with her? Yeah. I knew she was Cattle Dog. Those are the two smartest dogs, Cattle Dog and Jack Russell.

Starting point is 01:01:56 They're highly intelligent. There's just a group of guys in the room that look at the dog and they're like, let's say, I don't know, what do you think? Just pick a few out of hat and then, what's the one? Then Chihuahua. Yeah. There's some Chihuahua. What is, yeah. There's some Chihuahua. I know, it might be that way.

Starting point is 01:02:07 What's her, what's her, does. But they never saw a picture of her. That's the thing why I know it's real. Oh! Yeah, just a swab sent it in and I was like, I'm not fucking, if they asked for a picture, I'm out. Or they're like, Jordan Jensen, Google it.

Starting point is 01:02:19 Senior, senior or junior, junior, comedian. Junior, Jordan Jensen, junior, junior. There she is, that's an Australian cattle dog. JJ squared, motherfucker. She's perfect. She is a cute dog. I've only ever seen her in videos of you dragging her across the park.

Starting point is 01:02:35 Dude, she loves that shit. She loves to be dragged. Anyway, she's at home sleeping because we went for a huge park walk today because when my diarrhea stopped, I was able to get outside finally, so I got. Wait, legit question, do you travel with her? Yeah, everywhere.

Starting point is 01:02:53 Okay, that's what's up, that's what I'm gonna do. You're living the life. You have a dog? I have a dog, she's 60 pounds. Is that too big to travel with? Yes. No, Josh Hadamires travels with. How does he fly with Lekha all the time? We fly first. I'm not there yet. Yeah. No, Josh Hadamires travels with how does he fly like a like all the time?

Starting point is 01:03:05 We fly first. I'm not there yet. Yeah. You just got to do you just got to do your comedy like this now. Yeah. Black man in the front eating chicken wings. I don't know if I can say that, but I'm saying things he doesn't even rhyme. That was better than him. But you can't rule like as a black is a beast. I yeah, Lekka rules. Lekka's a beast. Lekka's why I got a dog. First class, he brings her on first class.

Starting point is 01:03:28 You can ride Comfort and deal with it. It is fine. Not there yet. Okay, then you can't get it off. I do Southwest because of the two free truck bags and I sell my merch and I'm A-list preferred. I'm not a fucking loser. Is your dog serviced? I could get her. You got to service that bitch. I'm A-list preferred, I'm not a fucking loser. Is your dog serviced?

Starting point is 01:03:45 I could, I could eat her. You gotta service that bitch. The other thing is Coyote now is having a thing during takeoff where she kind of pants and gets nervous and that this is causing a problem because it makes her not look like service. So you have to deal with that. I'm a little worried about walking through the airport

Starting point is 01:03:59 because she won't fit in a bag like Coyote. Coyote walks to the airport carrying her own leash. That's badass. If you wrap her in a towel she doesn't get anxious. Pulling her to the airport carrying her own leash. That's badass. If you wrap her in a towel, she doesn't get anxious. Pulling her own carry-on. It's awesome. She's walking you? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:04:10 It's so good. When I get off the plane, I unhook her, and she goes to the front so she can exit the plane first, and then she just goes. And she's just. She's like that kind of good? She's that level of good? I just let her go, and she always waits for me

Starting point is 01:04:22 and pauses until she can see me, and then I go go, and then she goes, okay, and then I let her off so she can get out first. Yeah, that is so sweet. She rolls I kind of that's what I want man I looked out though and I didn't know why I got such a smart dog cuz I didn't train her well and she has figured It out But now I know these breeds are like super smart breeds like I didn't potty train her I had no idea how I live in a four-story walk-up every time she have to go to the bathroom I'm like, I don't know you're, you're like the one example of the,

Starting point is 01:04:45 like that dog owner that's like those schools in Brooklyn where like we let the kids choose their own curriculum and name their own. It's like, you're the one example of like, I just let her train herself and it worked. Today. But every other dog just running into the street and fucking attacking children.

Starting point is 01:04:59 Today she was off leash and I did a pretend game that she was very well trained and she started going towards this dog and the person goes, leash your dog. And I coyote stop and sit and she just stopped sat down I was like and I leashed her and the person was like have a good day like they were like Oh, you put a lot of training and have a good day and I was like, yep. Thank you. She's like, yeah I got it. It was crazy sicker. I Can't if I tell coyote get her she'll show if she was here and I went get her she would run up to you and nip

Starting point is 01:05:24 Your pants. Yeah, and she's like and I went get her, she would run up to you and nip your pants. Really? Yeah. Dude, she's like crazy. You can just speak English to her. It's nuts. That would make me want to fucking train a dog in Russian just to like occasionally like,

Starting point is 01:05:34 leash your dog. Brusketuska, brusketuska. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I did speak Japanese to her her first seven weeks with her. Oshitani. That's what I did.

Starting point is 01:05:44 Oshitani dog. How you doing? I'm all right. seven weeks with her. That's what I did. Oh, she looked at me. How are you doing? I'm a coyote. That's all I can do. I got a coyote. I got a coyote. 60 minutes. Did you tell?

Starting point is 01:06:00 Love that show. You tell a tell. Oh, he can't. He told me he can't. OK, let's roll it into Patreon. Let's keep them captive. Oh, David. No, it was David. Was David coming? David calling David.

Starting point is 01:06:14 The person is like, you know, oh, you mean David? Is he coming? Dude, I just saw Louie Seller. Oh, yeah. It's good. Oh, she back. I was just wondering today if he was performing. Oh, is he back like in town? I mean, no, he just does it so much. I was just wondering today if he was performing. Oh, was he back back? Like in town and stuff? No, he just does it like once a month now. Oh, okay.

Starting point is 01:06:28 But it was really- I heard he was taking like a hiatus. He's just living his damn life. But it was very good to talk to him. Immediately it's good to, every time I see him, I'm like, oh, hello darkness, my old friend. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 01:06:43 He's just like dude, and you're like, oh, this is why you're like incredibly famous because you just are seeing things correctly in the world. You know what I mean? He's just like dude, and you're like, oh this is why you're like incredibly famous because you just are seeing things correctly in the world. You know what I mean? And then the black table was there being loud as hell. That was, there was a moment with, it was you who was on stage. It was me and Torres in the back of the room

Starting point is 01:07:01 and Ian and David are on stage at the MacDougal and you said something and David just starts going, that's how we do it, that's how we do it. And you were like, why are you talking like that? And Dave goes, what's wrong? You don't speak upstairs table? That was a joke for like four of us. Dude, Dave is the fastest fucking, it's so fucked up.

Starting point is 01:07:28 Dude, Jeff Ross goes on stage with a tell on Jeff had a joke that was like I something about being on a city bike and then he brings it home and sniffs the seat or something. And Dave goes, congratulations, everybody. That's a 10th anniversary of that joke being told. It's so good. It's so good. You could do better than that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:07:54 My favorite ever save it till moment was this. I don't feel bad saying the guy's name. He's a nice dude. Rob Little. He's like a road guy from Michigan, but he's like a super positive. This was years ago and he's like, I show up and we'd never met, but he's like a super positive, this was years ago, and he's like, I show up, and we'd never met, but he's like, oh, I know you, yeah, and I'm auditioning tonight, and I'm so excited,

Starting point is 01:08:10 and he's saying he's auditioning, but Esti's not there, so it's like, you're not, whatever, whatever. And we're down in the hallway, and you've been down there, right? And it's a tight, it's a tight hall, and he's just like, in my face, just talking a lot. I'm like, uh-huh, uh-huh, and a tell comes down the stairs behind me, It's a tight, it's a tight hall. And he's just like in my face, just talking a lot. I'm like, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Starting point is 01:08:26 And a tell comes down the stairs behind me. And I get it, you know, he's just, but he stops like seriously mid-word. He's like, man, and I'm gonna go up there, Dave. And he just like, just jukes me basically. And he's immediately in Dave's face. And he's like, man, you may not remember me. I opened for you at Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle in Detroit

Starting point is 01:08:44 and you gave me such great advice. He's going on and Dave goes, uh-huh, uh-huh. like, man, you may not remember me. I opened for you at Mark Gurley's Comedy Castle in Detroit and you gave me such great advice. He's going on and Dave goes, uh-huh, uh-huh. Oh, I remember you. We talked about keeping the hallway clear. And me and the bouncer laughed so hard and it was Phil Hanley was on stage. And Phil goes, well, that one killed in the hallway. And we were like, we didn't.

Starting point is 01:09:04 Oh, that's awesome. But he's, Dave's just. He's the best, the greatest of all time. Yeah, it really is. It truly is, like truly. Like when it's all said and done. When he got me that one time downstairs where he was like, oh, here comes Jordan,

Starting point is 01:09:16 just gonna come in and say something shocking about her childhood. Everybody laughs, but it's really cause they're uncomfortable. Let's hear it, Jordan. And I was like, nothing. I love him. What did he say that was he goes?

Starting point is 01:09:31 Well, because I he texted me and my phone was on silent. He's like, I can do the podcast and I put you got to let me know now. I'll come in. I didn't get back. And I called him. I go, oh, my phone was on by silent. Sorry, missy. He goes, well, I me know now. I'll come in. I didn't get back. And I called him. I go, oh, my phone was on silent. Sorry, missy. He goes, well, I'm home now. I was like, all right, do you still want to come? He goes, no.

Starting point is 01:09:53 And I go, all right, well, we're going to go do the podcast. He goes, you better have fun. I go, all right. He goes, tell me you'll have fun. I go, we'll have fun. He goes, good, goodbye. And hung up on me. Just the best. I love that he hangs up, cut to him.

Starting point is 01:10:09 It's like a butler holding like an old pearl handled phone. He's like, that's enough, Rogers. Oh my God, that'd be amazing. David tells you. I'll have another tobacco roll. He's so polite. He popped into the comedy store and bumped me, but I was was like I don't care and he came back and was like Sorry, I bumped you. It was the first thing he said to me and was sincere and I was like what are you talking about?

Starting point is 01:10:33 I was like literally my honor to see you go up He's like I'm only gonna do 12 and spots are 15. It's like you could do 30 minutes. You can do whatever you want Yeah, he's the sweetest. Yeah, whenever we hang out at the cellar, he always calls me at night to make sure I get home okay. That's so sweet. That's really sweet. Do you think he wants people knowing how sweet he is? Yeah. He's just actively right now trying to like,

Starting point is 01:10:56 I'm not waiting. He's so out of touch with everything that he doesn't know anything. Makes him so fucking unique though. He just sends me New York Post articles with the article in the subject. Like do you feel? Like with the whole entire thing in the subject and nothing in the body. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:11:14 So it's like he's not gonna know. Like do you feel like there's a level of awareness that is overkill and then you just become like a homogenous, like you're just like this. What do you mean? Like if you just, like there are some people who are so, they know about everything that's going on constantly at every second in the world and you talk to them, you're like, I feel like I'm talking to like an amalgamation of personalities.

Starting point is 01:11:36 Whenever that happens, whenever I meet that person, there's one guy I know who's like a. I've gotten names but I don't wanna do it yet. Whenever I know about that person, or whenever I know that person and they, what I always find out is they are a raging alcoholic. Oh, what? Like every time, like everybody I know

Starting point is 01:11:50 who's like on top of every cultural topic and thing that happens, you see them and they are blackout drunk, and you're like, oh yeah, you know too much. Yeah, shut up. Yeah. You need to dumb, you need to like numb your, numb the pain of knowledge.

Starting point is 01:12:03 I'm like, you should know a certain, I think you should know a lot, think you should be know a lot. But then like sometimes like that Australian break dancer. The other night at Gotham, this is how I found out about it, because afterwards this couple were like she was like, she was like, why didn't anyone do a joke about the you know, you sit there at Gotham as people walk out, they came over. She said, why didn't anybody do it?

Starting point is 01:12:24 Why didn't any of you do a joke about the Australian break dancer? And I out? They came over and she's like, why didn't anybody do a joke about the Australian break dancer? And I looked over at Jordan Fisher and I was like, what? And she was like, I waited all night for someone to do a joke about the Australian break dancer. And Jordan goes, well, probably because we've already heard 40 jokes about it, we just assumed someone else got to it.

Starting point is 01:12:42 And she goes, you know what would have been funny? It would have been so funny if someone would have been like, hey, you're a doctor, shouldn't have quit your day job. And we were like. Oh my God. See that's when someone should go, oh, actually someone has a joke about that right over here. And then you lead to them in alley

Starting point is 01:12:56 and then you just shoot them in the back of the head. Right over here, right over here. That's a great joke. Oh, Joker style. Yeah, yeah. Let's go. Right over here, like the end of Goodfellas. Right down there.

Starting point is 01:13:04 Yeah, yeah, right in there. Yeah, right around there. I just pick them Goodfellas, right? Right down there, yeah, yeah, right in there. Yeah, right down there. Just pick them in the back of the fucking, in the cranium. It's also just not funny, like we were looking for jokes with longevity that resonate with humanity most of the time. Yeah, exactly, it's like I don't wanna.

Starting point is 01:13:15 Yeah, it's crazy to just be like, doesn't look good. I remember, I tried, like everyone, the day it happened, the day of the Trump shot, I was like, well, we gotta crack away on this, and instead I was like, oh wait, now I'd rather focus on this that came from that than just this one joke that 90 people

Starting point is 01:13:31 are gonna have a better version of and rather just run with this idea that came from it. 90 people who aren't even comics, people on Twitter. Oh yeah, all those Twitter, it's all gone immediately. They gotta cover, yeah. It's all irrelevant. They've already, like it was like Fat Lady. Plus they've already memory holed it, it's like it's all irrelevant. They've already they've already like it was like that. Plus, they've already memory hold it.

Starting point is 01:13:47 It's not even in the news anymore. Yeah. What? Huh? And that memory holds harder to get out of a 12 year relationship with a Siamese twin. You ever get a memory hole so deep, you got to have a minor slide on your forehead and you come out with a canary on your dick and turns out you've been in a whale the whole time your fucking name's Jonah and you're from Little Rock Arkansas. My memory is so old. How old is it? It's as old as the one time I

Starting point is 01:14:23 lined up every grandma in Westchester and lined them up and then boom shotgun through their head How old is it? How old is it? How old is it? How old is it? How old is it? How old is it? How old is it? How old is it? How old is it? How old is it? How old is it?

Starting point is 01:14:32 How old is it? How old is it? How old is it? How old is it? How old is it? How old is it? How old is it? How old is it?

Starting point is 01:14:40 How old is it? How old is it? How old is it? How old is it? How old is it? How old is it? How old is it? How old is it? How old is it? name Don't Forget Me Slay. Oh, that's he is a cousin named Callback along Way Slay.

Starting point is 01:14:54 It's a 19 month old callback. That was somebody came up very recently and they're like, when you guys did the Dusty Silly thing, I was. Oh, yeah. Yeah. What's he on? Huh? Was he on his head? No, no. Some like a fan came up and was like the Sean Patton Dusty Slay thing.

Starting point is 01:15:06 That was a fun one. Dusty gay? Not personally, but yeah, I know. Yeah, he's a that was an up. That was an up. Did you know that he has a cousin who lives on the top of a hill in a house with a pride flag on it and his name is Gusty gay? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:15:21 I didn't know. Are you for real? Did you know that he also has a big titted wife that lives on the coast of Cali named Busty Gay. Yeah. I didn't know that. Are you for real? Yeah. Did you know that he also has a big, a titted wife that lives on the coast of Cali named Busty Bay? Yeah. That's so crazy. They all have different last names.

Starting point is 01:15:32 Oh, it's weird. Yeah. It's weird. Yeah. It's really weird. Like the heart of, the heart of hearing cousin, that's called what'd she say? Yeah. It's like, that's really weird. Like the heart of the heart of hearing cousin that's called what she say. Yeah, it's like, that's her. And he is a cousin that sang in my chemical romance,

Starting point is 01:15:53 Dusty Way. This is the fuck. Right back to it. Gerard Way, the singer of My Chemical Romance. Remember? Yeah. Damn it. I'm really mad at that.

Starting point is 01:16:11 This is like the one thing I clam up on. Yeah. What do you mean? Dusty Slate topics? Yeah, yeah, I can't make Dusty Slate fun. Save my life. Well, that's because you've never hung out with his one cousin who's

Starting point is 01:16:31 it's named after reverse Kendrick Lamar lyrics, but is Canadian called a minor. A shit, dude, I think I caught whatever you got. Oh, fuck, it's contagious. Listen, it's contagious. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Best person at this game is Dusty's sister, who lives in a very moldy pottery studio named Musty Clay. Musty Clay. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I heard his favorite movie was Cast Away.

Starting point is 01:16:55 No, we're not doing that. I got it too. I got it too. I got the thing you guys have. I thought we were rhyming. No, it's he actually learned that from his cousin that works at a shipping center named Dusty Layaway. Not bad. Not that way. OK, let's see if I can do it.

Starting point is 01:17:20 I do it. I thought it did. You guys know this friend from high school was a total stoner and his name was Krusty. Such a such a stoner, he forgot his last name, forgot the last part. That's all right. Let's wrap it up. Oh, yeah. That was amazing.

Starting point is 01:17:51 Jet Ski, what would you like to promote? Oh, so I have three more stops on my tour. My tour is called Trumpet 2024. I'm going to Houston, Sacramento and Irvine. And you can buy my glasses. They're custom on Rainbow Optics dot com. OBTX promo code Jetski. Word.

Starting point is 01:18:08 Wait, what is this? What do you think? 2005. This Friday? All right, well, okay, if you're listening to this on Patreon right now, I am at the mothership in Austin right now, the 16th through the 18th, or Boston, Massachusetts, Somerville specifically.

Starting point is 01:18:27 Crystal Ballroom, August 31st. That one's gonna be awesome. And there's more on michanpatent.com, but I don't wanna be selfish. And watch the show on FX, English Teacher, September 2nd. Thank you. Yes. In a couple days.

Starting point is 01:18:43 Yeah. Jordan? I am going to be at Comedy 4. September 2nd. Thank you. Yes. In a couple of days. Yeah. Jordan. I am going to be at Comedy 4. I think we are adding a sixth show because the rest are sold out on Thursday night. So if you didn't get tickets to that, go there. And then after that, I'm somewhere else, which is at Punchup.live. A slash Jordan Jensen. I'm adding new tour dates and big announcement coming to Europe in March.

Starting point is 01:19:11 So all y'all motherfuckers going to get clapped up. Yes. Get clapped up. I am in San Antonio. Here in the arms of Dusty Slay's very sexual, a very sexual girlfriend, which you only see her once a year, and her name is a lusty day. Or from San Antonio, San Antonio, I would like to get my plugs out. Sorry.

Starting point is 01:19:43 Well, real quick, just remember that you are a big fan of Dusty's brother from another mother, Muslim hip hop star, Yasmin Bey. Huh, wow. Oh wow, that was good. That was good. And I don't know if Dusty's family would like that, but I also know.

Starting point is 01:20:08 San Antonio, though, because he does have a second cousin removed that owns a boat down there. A name, Custy Bay. Gusty Bay, Gusty Bay. Oh, yes. I almost forgot the name. But he also has a. Cousin that works for the IRS. He's a CPA named You Will Pay.

Starting point is 01:20:32 Oh, all right. Now we know it's you again. Now, hey, guys, it's me again. I'm going to be in San Antonio August 23rd to 25th. Rumors Winnipeg August August 29th, 30th, 31st and live meeting with Jordan September 1st at Hilarity's Cleveland, Ohio. And then I'm going to be Milwaukee Improv. Oh yeah. And I'm headlining that weekend. So good tickets to that. Yes. See Jordan. And then we're doing the live pod on Sunday.

Starting point is 01:21:05 And then I'm doing a Milwaukee improv, Zanies Nashville, and a bunch of others coming up, punchup.live slash Ian Fy dance, uh, patreon.com slash Beanie and pod. And meet us on over there right now. We'll see you guys. Bye. Let's do it. Yes. Sell out, ready? I don't know this song. Ready? ["Bad She To Be Low"] A-na-na-da-na-na-na-na ["Bad She To Be Low"] And any bad she to be low

Starting point is 01:21:43 On my own, here we go. ["Bad She To Be go. B and E and. And Jordan as well. We are guests and they are the host. And this is a podcast. Yeah. It's a podcast. Yeah. Now we're all gonna go somewhere and fucking cry all night Yeah, but she's great

Starting point is 01:22:18 Let's do what damn it ready Damn it, ready? No, no. I don't know that one. Da da da da da. Shut up, Ethan. On my own, here we go. Yeah. Oh, another turning fork. The stock stuck in my throw time grabs me by the clip, directs me where to go. It's not a question, but a lesser part of life. It's something unprepare to a breath and bring him Pukki France. I hope you have the time How do you make it do the little wicky wicky? Oh, let's take it back.

Starting point is 01:24:03 That's right. Nice. That was Nirvana. The. The. The. The. The. The. The.

Starting point is 01:24:12 The. The. The. The. The. The. The. The.

Starting point is 01:24:20 The. The. The. The. The. The. The. The. The. Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, potatoes. That was great. It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter what you say anymore.

Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Ep108: We Broke Ian, Again W/ Sean Patton & Jessie "Jetski" Johnson

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