Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Ep110: Walter & Kiwi W/ Dave Attell

Episode Date: September 4, 2024

As always , Thanks for watching! Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content: https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod  IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 WATCH DEATH CHUNK HERE : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytsilX-QL3s&t=2s DAVE ATTELL: HOT CROSS BUNS HERE: https://www.netflix.com/title/81728938 Podcast Merch Here ! : https://www.coldcutsmerch.com/collections/bein-ian-with-jordan-podcast Support the show get some MyBookie money on the house with code SKA at https://mybookie.website/SKA Follow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/ See Jordan Live! : https://punchup.live/jordanjensen WATCH JORDAN’S SPECIAL HERE : https://youtu.be/MoBkkw66NWY?si=ffcJnn9HuluWrW4l @jordanjensenlolstop  Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! : https://punchup.live/ianfidance IAN FIDANCE | WILD HAPPY & FREE | FULL STAND UP SPECIAL: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 Follow Dave Attell Here : https://www.instagram.com/daveattell/ https://daveattell.com/ DAVE ATTELL: HOT CROSS BUNS HERE: https://www.netflix.com/title/81728938 Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced/Edited by: Ethan Dupree https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/

Hey everybody, come see us on the road. Punchup.live slash Ian Fydance for all my dates. I'm coming all over Winnipeg, Rumors, Milwaukee Improv, Tampa Side Splitters, Denver Comedy Works, Pittsburgh Improv, Cleveland Hilarities, all over. Come, it's a lot of fun. I'm having a blast. I'm going to be in Austin, Texas, Columbus, Ohio, Toledo, Ohio, Dayton, Ohio. If you guys don't come out to that, I will cancel them. Richmond, Virginia, Batavia, Illinois. That's basically Chicago. I really love that. That's one of my favorite clubs. So is Hilarities. But I think this is how past that Nashville, Tennessee, Charlotte, North Carolina, Vancouver,

Tulsa, Oklahoma. What is this one? Alpharetta, Georgia? I don't know. What is that? Helium, that's helium in Atlanta, is that bad? Houston Punchline in Houston, Texas. That's gonna be fun, first week of October. Anyway, thank you.

Yes. Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride And you're being Ian Being Ian Life is shit, but you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live

Alive Being Ian Being Ian With Jordan This is how we start. Ah, yeah. Well, sometimes it's better than that. Come back. I make it.

Go ahead. You know, let me try. It's harder than it looks. Of course his sounds like that. OK, OK. Well, come back to another episode of BNN with Jordan. I am Ian. This is Jordan. We are happy for our guests to this is crazy. It's been it's taken some time to get you down under.

Yeah, I didn't know that we were going to bring in the the Viking. This is welcome to Valhalla. Dave, you're finally in my home. Yeah, thanks for having me. Wait, you've never been in here? What is the name of the podcast again? Being Ian with Jordan. Being Ian with Jordan.

Yes. Well, it's great to be on the podcast and like, you know what I say? What do you say? I say it's always worth an Uber to Brooklyn to hang with friends. Yeah. I'll say, oh, can I have that green water bottle? I brought it down, but didn't bring it to me.

Oh yeah. Well, you know, Dave, you've driven me here a lot and I've always said, come on in. And you've always said no. But now. Well. And I've always said, come eat my cat. You've always said, lose my number.

Well, I, I, there's nothing you're saying that isn't true, but, uh, to make, uh, to make amends, to make peace, I brought a gift to the being and Jordan podcast. And that's some delicious treats. Look at this candy. Beautiful. As if I don't eat all of it when you bring it for the staff. I bought it from a guy standing in front of a CVS. Wow. No, no, no.

I bought it right. How about the 7-Eleven guys? Yeah. Have you noticed they're not in there anymore? No, I think it runs itself. It's like a ghost ship. Yeah. There used to be there used to be black guys that would stay there and they would and you'd go, I would like the NyQuil and the Indian guy would be like,

and he'd point really far away and you'd be like, please, please. And then the homeless black guy would be like, that's the NyQuil. And then he'd be like, okay, thank you. And then you'd be forced to give the guy a tip because he did lead you to the NyQuil. Well, they used to do that holding the door

and now they have an automatic door. Whoa, what are those? Well, I don't want to get into the 7-Eleven beat down, but this was for your cat. Oh my God. Oh my. Every cat's dream come true. to get into the 7-Eleven beat down, but this was for your cat. Every cat's dream come true. Oh my God. I don't know if he's here or not.

Yeah. Maybe even your dog might want to cat it up. Wow. I'll have to go get them. Where did you get those? Can you hear them? Those are beautiful. They are here.

Thank you. Listen to the sound. I can't wait to go wrangle Samson so you can meet them. Yes. Come here little boy. So he can do the thing where he goes. I can't wait for him to play with it a lot and then never touch it again. Oh yeah.

Cats are and care more about the bag than the toy. Oh, and these speaking of gifts that shout out to conservative military image, they gave us these shirts. You want one now? Dave, you want it? Yeah. Yeah. All right. Thank you. Yeah. Well, it really is just a big gift of fun in here. So it happens when you come to Brooklyn.

Do you like that? We got you a big thing of cigarettes too. But it's not a very good one. It's a it's a half gay man. Hello. Oh, look at that. A little bow. Yeah, that's fantastic. You can take him home with you and never bring him back.

It's like the end of a birthday party. The wrappings are everywhere. So when does the podcast start? Oh, it started. It started. Yeah. Well, you blew the horn and now it's time for me to blow the whistle. As you know, you know, Ian, you and I have some dates coming up. We do. Yeah. Vegas. Have you been lately? I have not. This is not your grandpa's Vegas. No. Where do you go in Vegas?

Vegas. Maybe you've heard of the Sphere. Oh. No, we'll be playing at Wise Guys. Wise Guys, Las Vegas, September 26 and 27. Wait, who was in the Sphere? Fish, I just opened for fish. I didn't open for them. I did a show at the Fish Fest. I ate fish.

I had fish, but I did a show at a fish festival. Horrible music, it was really bad. I really tried to get into it. How was the crowd though? Great, Incredible. All the all flip flops, 100 percent flip flops. Top to bottom.

Dehydrated men that were happy to be there. Really? Yeah. What would you say the age? What was the average? Thirty six. Really? Thirty six. Super stoked.

Wearing like little wings that they got at a dollar store. Oh, only white. 100 percent white people. Bald. The music was like, doon, doon, doon, doon, doon, and then all of a sudden you'd hear like, the lyrics would come in and it'd be like,

and we're gonna go to the park and play with a ball, choo, choo train, and all these guys were like, yeah, crawling. Yeah, loved it. And I realized what it is, you trip balls, you go to a park, you listen to fish and you'll never go into a dark place when fish is guiding you.

But they played at this, or maybe, I think they played at the Sphere in Vegas. Or maybe the Grateful Dead did? One of them did. I think you did. And Burning Man just started. And of course someone died. Which is just-

No, already? Yeah, every year someone has to go down. Is that true? Yeah. Somebody of course, someone died. No. Already? Yeah. Every year someone has to go down. Is that true? Yeah. Somebody how? Whereas at Skankfest every year, someone goes to law school. One guy goes, hey, can't keep coming out here. I got to change my life. I got to move out of my mind.

Are you going to Skankfest? Yes, I'll be there. I think we're not going. No. What? We pulled out. Wow. Yeah, I know I'm bummed. No, we'll miss you there. It's going to be a lot of fun.

We had fun. That's my favorite festival. Really? It is the best festival for sure. Here's Edinburgh, the top of the heap. Then there's Moon Tower, right? Yes. Scang Fest is definitely in the top three.

For sure. It's well run. It is. And they have great candy. Yeah, and we had a lot of fun last year. You got, you were on Mushrooms. Oh yeah. And we went to a strip club.

Oh. And it was a blast. That's it. Why are we not going? Oh, I'm opening for Segura. And I'm opening for Whitney at the Beacon. Yeah, we just, you know. That's great.

We gotta do these things. I'm excited to play the Beacon. I've never played it. And if we were doing Skank Fest and we had big headlining shows, but we don't really. Yeah. Hey, if you two stop,

are done patting each other on the back, maybe we can talk about like, I don't know. You don't live in Brooklyn, do you? I do. You do? My place is a lot nicer in this. Well, I'm sure you don't have a Finnish basement like this. I don't have it.

Yeah, no. Who's got some nice place to live? That's a rarity in this. Well, I'm sure you don't have a finished basement like this. I don't have it. Yeah, no. Who's got some nice place now? That's a rarity in Brooklyn, bitch. But it's not nicer than this, actually. It's actually the size of Ian's bathroom is my improvement. This is the kind of place you walk into for a psychic reading. It's not really a podcast. 100%.

And it's like, I want to connect with my dead brother. Can you conjure him? Did someone say psychic reading? It's Zoltan. It doesn't work. That's alright. That's okay. Could it be smaller? You know, I will give Ian credit, this was dog shit down here.

It was a really scary dungeon that a man named Carl lived in. And then suddenly he went through a breakup and he went into serious manic mode and just like made it into Yeah, insane. It was my idea to make it the studio I would like to say but he did first episode we recorded was upstairs in my living room and we had to put the camera In the bathroom to get a we had to take the door off the bathroom He did take the door off the hinges and I was like and then I walked down here and it was just an empty And he was like, I just don't know what to do with this place What a great impression. Thanks.

So what's up with you, Dave? What's new? You know, a lot of summer stuff, you know, I do a lot of home repairs at my mom's house. Uh huh. We fixed the steps, you know, for a while there. That was like a big deal. Wow. You know, I had a big pile of bricks standing in front of my house, like ready for protest. And I was like, I can't believe someone has to throw a brick through the window for fun. Yeah.

But, you know, what's another thing we did? We did the bathroom. Wow. You know, I thought I was going to have to tiles. Well, no, that's for like a title with the future. This is for a woman who can't get in the tub. So I had to get a I don't know. You should get this. This might be a really In addition to your house,

they have these shower transfer chairs where you get on a little seat and then your assistant or your attendant pushes you. All you have to do is lift your legs and make as much noise and pain sounds as you can. And then now you're in the shower and then they take you back out. And then we put in a new sink, which by the way, you should probably do. Yeah. But you know, that's what it is. Now I know you're very handy.

See, I wish, you know, you weren't so busy. I would have said, George, can you come out here and do this for me? Cause I know you have that skill set. No, she's not handy. She's handsy. I'm not handsy. You are. I just bought a house.

You did? Yeah. Wow. Upstate. No way, where? Don't give us the exact location, but like, is it somewhere between Buffalo and Syracuse? It's up near my family in Ithaca, where I'm from.

Are you gonna remodel it? I don't need to remodel it, but I'm gonna do a lot of, like I'm gonna, you know, scrape and repaint all of the trim, and I'm gonna paint the interior, but it doesn't to do a lot of like I'm going to, you know, scrape and repaint all of the trim and I'm going to paint the interior, but it doesn't need a whole lot of remodeling.

Did it come fully furnished? No. What? Oh, no. Here it is. I just opened my phone and it was open. Oh, don't show the screen. I'm just going to show Dave.

Um, maybe not. Maybe the new house can come with a new phone. That's beautiful. Isn't it beautiful? And I love the ramp you have there. That's so accessible. That's so nice. That's a new phone. Oh, that's beautiful. Isn't it beautiful? And I love the ramp you have there. That's so accessible. Oh, that's so nice. That's for your mom.

I built that for her. Oh my God. I know, I don't know if I'm keeping the ramp or not. I kind of want to make it into like a Narnia, like wrap Ivy around it. Yes. What about a moat? No.

If you'd like, I could live under it and like a troll. I would love that. Hello. Well, that's great. So how is it haunted? it and like a troll. I would love that. I would love that. Hello. Well, that's great. So how is it haunted? It's for sure haunted. I'm sure. In the ceiling because the upstairs like this. But it's an upstate haunting.

It's an, yeah, it's just a sweet, sweet lady. So it's somebody who's like, oh, he feels like getting ripped off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, boo, whoa, whoa. How much does that cost? Yeah, yeah, totally. Or it's like a, you know, a liberal ceramic woman up there. Yes. Who's like, I'm not a lesbian,

I'm experimenting with Donna. It's like that. And that's good for you because I know you like your bikes. Like you can have a lot of half finished bikes out front. There's a little garage for- A lot of rusted trucks and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah.

Has Ian been up there yet? No, I haven't even closed on it. I closed in September. Oh, so it's really not in your house then? Yes, it is. Awesome. Let me show you, jeez, first homeowner. Well, that's great.

Pretty good. That's great, I think. I think I just had- I like that you did something adult with your money. Everybody's telling me to do something adult with my money and they say stock market, but I don't believe, I am scared of it. I just get tattoos.

I think that's good. You can't sell those later. I got a new one, Dave. It's Bugs Bunny holding a gun like Scarface. Yeah, I've seen it three times already. I am scared of it. I just get tattoos. I think that's good. You can't sell those later. I got a new one, Dave. It's a Bugs Bunny holding a gun like Scarface. Yeah, I've seen it three times already. Let me see it. First of all, I don't even know like, who is this guy like who keeps tatting you up?

Yeah, you gotta get a different guy. R&D tattoo, Ridgewood Queens, Rich Fy, Keira Littanzio. He's talented, but don't you think like five tattoos in should go like, what's the real problem here? Yeah. Like, you know, like what are you really trying to get at? He's a tattoo artist don't you think like five tattoos in it should go like what's the real problem? Yeah, like you know like what are you really trying to tattoo artists not a psychiatrist? If you could get a tattoo, what would it be I don't think I would get a tattoo at this age Yeah, you never thought about it. I remember to flush something like that. I don't know You look cool with a sleeve. You think so? Yeah.

I think it's a little late for cool. All right. No. For God's sake. My mom's older than you and she got she's getting tattoos. I mean, she's upstate, Ithaca. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, you're more of a downtown Dave. That's right. Yeah. I hear you have a very cool apartment. Well, yeah, you know, during the comedy boom, I made some right moves.

But, you know, we're all suffering at this point. I don't know if you do it, but we do it. We're merch. Do you march up or no? I now I'm doing I I stole your idea. What are you doing? I do posters. Yeah. I do have one here. I'd love to see it. It's there's one on the wall. Oh, I saw that. Yes.

So whatever my tour poster is, I just get that printed on nice paper. I saw you doing it. I've always hated merch. Ian always has a giant bag and he's always a sweaty man. He's like a black belt in merch. This guy's great at it. I love it. I know, but I don't like it. I don't like slinging a giant bag and being like, move over. I need to get my check bag of shit. But the posters I just put in the bottom of my suitcase, pull them out.

Do you think other people do merch like Like who's a hero of yours? Sarah McLoughlin? You think she does merch? Do I think Alanis Morissette does merch? Online, yes. I think they do it online. Well, let me tell you something. There's nothing better than going to your mini storage unit

and finding your old merch and how inappropriate it is. And like, it's just terrible. Why was it your name in like a happy trail? What's so inappropriate about it? It was just like terrible ideas, like t-shirts that like are not cool, you know, like Aerosmith, no, nothing that good, you know? But, um, I got a new t-shirt out. You can see it online for the hot cross buns special that I did on Netflix.

Yeah. Cause people were asking, do you have any t-shirts? So I said, yeah, I'm getting them and we did it. Some are saying special of the year. It is the special of the year. No one's actually saying that. Yes. It wasn't even special of the week.

Cause at Netflix, they bang out like three or four specials a week. That's how they do it there. That's the only one I've been hearing huge news about. Yeah. That means a lot coming from both of you guys. Thanks, Dave. We'll be right back. It's also the only one I watched. It's news about. Yeah. Means a lot coming from both of you guys. We'll be right back. It's also the only one I watched.

It's so good. I keep watching them. Whoa. What do you watch? I try and watch since I'm not really writing any new material, I'm trying to watch a special a night. Yeah. And it's really hard to watch them,

not because they're bad or anything. It's just like, I get it. The attention span. I mean, who has it? You know? So I usually get about 15 minutes in, I take a nice break, like treat myself to a snack, and then I'll get the rest one.

Then tomorrow, like I usually try and like, okay, I wanna watch the rest of this. But like, we all know like the hour special, you know, it's hard. It is hard. It's hard to sit through. Even the best, you know what I'm saying? Yours was 56?

It was 50, it was 47 minutes or something like that. It was the bare minimum for it to get into the algorithm. That was my favorite part is that they were like a week out. They're like, hey, you gotta add two and a half minutes. You know, fuck you. And it's just him playing the recorder to a fucking walrus. Don't give away it. Don't give away the ending to the thousands

and millions who haven't seen it. Dude, the ending, my dog was watching it and barking. And then I looked at your Instagram stories and, my dog was watching it and barking. And then I looked at your Instagram stories and it was just a million different dogs barking. I know, I really hit a mark and no one knew it was out there. The crossover market. Does your dog watch TV?

Because that's something I do when I'm very lonely at night, which is watch a lot of dog videos. We watch Law and Order SVU together. And she goes like this when the pervert comes in. Roar. Yeah. I like, they like horror movies. Like they goes like this when the pervert comes in. Yeah. Yeah. I like they like horror movies like they growl at the bad guy. Oh yeah.

Dave, who's your favorite dog to watch? Walter the crying. He's like a French bulldog I believe. I love Frenchies. He's so entitled and so but him and his person you know they go back and forth. They really have these great conversations. And then Kiwi the parrot. you know, anything about him? No, the nicest, most polite parrot.

And I'm not on any of these platforms. So this is all just 20 years ago, YouTube. I assume everybody I'm talking about is deceased. They're animals. But, you know, I'm hoping not because they're so spring, so much joy. Well, have you ever considered a pet? You probably bring a lot of joy to people out there. Somehow. We're the Walter and the Kiwi of You probably bring a lot of joy to people out there. Yeah, somehow.

We're the Walter and the Kiwi of the podcasting world. I'm Kiwi. Yeah. But, you know, Walter. Shut up. So does your cat get along with her dog? No, no. He came out tonight and he was hissing a little. I thought the sound of the balls.

I know. I really want to. That's like their ice cream truck sound. Samson stays in the room. He's a person. He's a current old man. He's the opposite of Ian. He's been getting out lately when people come over and he's been really good with it. Do you guys know like this guy, Marcus King? He's a really great guitar player and he travels.

He's got a dog and the dog comes out on stage when he's like, he's totally like crushing it like these amazing guitarists and the dog comes out on stage when he's like, he's totally like crushing it, like these amazing guitar riffs. And the dog comes out and he's just like, yeah, man, like that's my man. My man is awesome. So you guys should do that with your pets. Coyote does meet and greets. She, while people are waiting in line to buy a poster, she runs up and down the line and like licks everybody and plays with them.

Oh, that's awesome. And then comes back and says, I wish I could do that with Samson. It's the best. She ran out of the green room the other day, ran right into the audience and was getting pets and I had to grab her and put her back. That's awesome. And then comes back and says, I wish I could do that with Samson. It's the best. She ran out of the green room the other day, ran right into the audience and was getting pets and I had to grab her and put her back. That's fantastic. She's very personable.

So when you do, you're gonna do a special, right? I am, I'm waiting, we're waiting. You've been crushing it lately, every time I see you at the cellar, so. I'm waiting to find out if a network is gonna do it. They will say no likely because I bring up Muslims. And then I'll do, if not, then I'll do one at the Comedy Cellar.

Mm-mm, okay. Why don't you do it up in Ithaca so your hometown can see what you've become. Because they all bullied me growing up and I hate when they come to shows. But what a great F you to them, seeing you living your dream in a house you think you own. That you bought online in a.

There's also no club in it, there's only the state theater. Well I'm sure they have a band shell. You should do the state theater. I could do the state theater. That'd be great. Why don't you do it under the bleachers where you first found love. Yeah, where I used to find people's old joints

and put them into one big joint and smoke them. Do you remember doing that, did you ever do that? No, I remember finding all the joints. You did that? Unrolling them and making a big one. Oh, wow. Being like that's you know, it's funny the height of my happiness. Finding those is the height of my happiness. Like getting a good gig. Like there's only you know what I mean? Like the threshold is always the same. Like that is the same feeling as being like, what about when you ride your hog? When you're out there on the open, she doesn't ride her hog anymore. She's hog less. When you know, Kenny, our friend

died and it's spooked her. She doesn't ride her bike anymore. I saw him in the hospital and it freaked me out. It made me starting where to wear helmets and I wear a helmet every time I run my bike. It freaked me out. Because I was doing this like nihilistic thing with the bike. Like every time I take it out, there'd be some drunken taxi person that would almost kill me. And I kind of was like, fuck it, I don't care if I die. And when I saw Kenny and how many people were so sad that he was died, I was like, oh, fuck, if I die, it's like my mom is going to be standing here looking at my body.

And that's that. That was like I used to get so mad at the cars that beep and boop to make you wear the seatbelt. I'd be like if I'm gonna die in a crash not wearing a seatbelt let me not wear a seatbelt. Don't fucking beep and boop to make me wear a seatbelt. And the Audi I was in when I got in an accident was beeping and booping and I it made me wear the seatbelt. If I didn't have the seatbelt I'd have been a goner. Yeah. Wow this is a real would you say this is like probably one of the most serious podcasts you guys have ever done? No.

Okay you guys can open that up you know. We made we made a multiple people cry on the podcast. Yeah. Yeah. Do you get more money from Patreon if you do that? Yeah. Especially if we say we made them cry on the podcast go to patreon.com type in the end to see it. So let's see on the page. The podcast go to Patreon.com. I've been in to see it.

So let's see some fucking tears. But I want to get hip hurts. So this old, old furniture that I have, I mean, this is like a porn set almost. Don't you like it? Yeah. I mean, that's all right. By the way, people at home, it doesn't smell like it looks all right in here. Thank you. Yeah. Everybody always assumes my place is going to stink and it smells like poop when you poop though.

It smells like loneliness. What the fuck? But like clean loneliness. Yeah. That's alright. Yeah. It doesn't smell awful, you know. I smell a lot better than people think. It's true. I never smell like cigarettes. I feel that way all the time. Yeah. Yeah. I know. And you know, like earlier I was for breezing my taint. And I said, you know, I'm doing this for others, not for myself. I came in in a homeless man's jacket the other day and one of the servers or one of the comics was like, okay, Dave's daughter.

And I was like, I think it's good. I don't get that fun back and forth that you guys get from the inside table. See out on the steps where I live. The best thing is when I was the best thing is when I was waiting to go up and some comic new to the cellar was wearing like a floral blouse on button down to here. Yes. And I was like, God, his shirt is like, what is going on?

Is he a magician? And I turn and you're sneaking in with a cigarette and you go, are you triggered, Jordan? And I turn and you're sneaking in with a cigarette and you go, are you triggered Jordan? And I lost my shit. I forget who that was. Who's wearing a man wearing a blouse? It was a comic that I also saw in LA at a party and somebody was like, is a magician here?

And I went, no, it's probably this comic. And I turned and it was that comic. That's his thing. It's his thing. Maybe he's English, like it's English rock or something. It's like Russell Brand style a little bit. Oh. Huh.

Yeah, Ian, you're a shorts man. Doesn't matter the weather. Mostly, yeah. And does that give those tattoos some air or like why do you do it? I let my balls breathe, brother. He was a pants man. Yeah, I wear pants sometimes, but I'll tell you, I sweat so much on stage. You do.

It's like off-putting. So I got to wear shorts and kind of like breathable clothing. Yeah. So moving around a lot. Matter of fact, the other night I threw my back out doing an act out. Oh my God. He was giving him blow job air blow job. Well, you know, I wasn't. Oh, sorry. I was air humping. Well, you did. You went to like a therapist for that, right? No, I'm supposed to get an MRI tomorrow and the insurance didn't okay it yet. Yeah, it's expensive. And my osteopath won't, she's not in tomorrow,

so I gotta wait. What is an osteopath? Wait until September 6th, so I'm like. An ostrich doctor? What is an osteopath? It's an ostrich doctor. You didn't know that? Do they do a holistic view of everything? They put your head in the sand until it feels like an ostrich and then they turn you into boots

if it doesn't work out. No, I don't know. It's like a it's like a chiropractor meets doctoring. I don't know. They do stuff like. I went to a hot chiropractor the other day, like a hot guy. Yeah, really. And it was intense.

What's your problem? What? What? Well, you have a back issue. No, no. He just was like, I'll fix your back for free if you just like post about it. That's a perk. And I went in and he was so hot that I was like, I'm this is getting serious. Really? Yeah. Have you ever been to a massage therapist?

I went to one. I went. I've goto massages. Yes. I went to one that was sexual where he interlaced his hands behind my back and held my hand by my back. And I was like, this is the hottest thing. Oh, they've done that. That's sexual? Yeah. Don't you think?

He didn't. Like this? He didn't go to your parts or anything? I want them to. I think they should. She was like an athlete. Parts unknown. No, they with Ian, they're with Ian, they immediately are like, I'm going to I think because he's hard. So they're like, OK, I'll jerk him off.

But with me, they don't. Well, my massage parlors started to message me and be like, new girls are here. We miss you. Oh, God. Ian finds me at the cellar and he goes, I went to a got a massage day and I didn't get jerked off. And I was like, really? And he's like, yes. And I was like, I don't believe you. And he was like, well, I jerked off myself on the table day and I didn't get jerked off. And I was like, really? And he was like, yes. And I was like, I don't believe you. And he was like, well, I jerked off myself on the table, but she didn't do it.

And I was like, that is not better. That is progress. Yeah, it is. Don't you want to just go to the massage and enjoy the pain of the muscular? I think you should sauna. That would help your back. Oh, yeah.

And like, you know, like you just wear a towel in there. Correct? You can go to one of those Russian baths. That would help with twigs. That would get in the cold. Then you get in the hot thing. You get back in the cold. Do you want to go to the Williamsburg one?

I'll go with you. Yeah. You want to go tomorrow? Plunge and sauna. No, that's not an open mic. Actually open micers do work there. Really? They really do.

Yeah. Should I go? You want to go tomorrow? Yeah. It's going to be really hot tomorrow. So a cold punch would be good. I have like three flights on Thursday to get to Winnipeg. The with the road. What are you scared of? Open that Pandora's box. Yes. Do you eat the candy you buy? No, but I enjoy watching people eat it. It's like a diabetic watching it. Yes. I would have done that as well.

I'm not going to toss anything into your mouth. I didn't mean it like that, you whore. Oh no, I don't want to tell you. Oh, Lee, and your choice was awesome. Yeah. You first picked out. A lolly? Or? Oh no, I don't want to tell you. Oh, Lee, and your choice was awesome. Yeah, yeah. You first picked out. A lolly?

Yeah. I'll eat a lolly. A non-gender lolly. Do you want some? No. Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Do you let your dog have snacks? Like what kind of snacks can he have? Dude, she lets her dog eat off the floor. It gets terrible gas, stinks up the place. When she has gas, her name's Fart Dog.

Well, what kind of dog is it? She is a Jack Russell Cattle Dog Chihuahua. Should I go see if I can get Samson? No. I'd love to see him enjoy those balls, of course. I know. I'll go see if I can grab him real quick. Okay.

All right, so Jordan and I will hold the podcast. So he's a rescue, right? She. She. She is a rescue. And do you know how old she is? She is, oh, she's right here. Hey, what's up?

Come on over. Wow. She is 10 months old. She's happy to be here. Look, she's enjoying it. Why don't you shake the balls and see what she does? Oh yeah. Hi.

Hi. Uh oh. It's on. They're almost like the perfect size. Wow, a lot of energy. Yeah, she's the best. She's 10 months old. I'm a dog. I'm a dog. I'm a dog. I'm a dog. I'm a dog. I'm a dog. I'm a dog.

I'm a dog. I'm a dog. I'm a dog. I'm a dog. I'm a dog. I'm a dog. I'm a dog. I'm a dog.

I'm a dog. I'm a dog. I'm a dog. I'm a dog. I'm a dog. I'm a dog. I'm a dog. I'm a dog.

I'm a dog. I'm a dog. I'm a dog. I'm a dog. I'm a dog. I'm a dog. I'm a dog. I'm a dog. I'm a dog. I'm a dog. I'm a classic. I thought it was a shepherd, I guess, but I guess I'm wrong. She's some sort of, she's like a,

I think she's terrier, just a terrier weird rat dog. She's very smart though, which is problematic. Yeah, curious. She's quite curious. I wish you were dumber. I like bringing her on the road, but she has been getting me into a lot of trouble. I like being kind of, oh sorry. I like when I on the road, but she has been getting me into a lot of trouble. I like being out of.

I was right. I like when I'm on an airplane and the person next to me has a dog. I love that. I had a woman the other day who was like, I don't like dog. Really? And I was like, OK. And she was like, you need to switch seats. And I was like, I was like, all right. Did she have a head wound? I don't like dog.

I don't like dog. Dog. No good. It was crazy. She's like, I don't. And she's like, my husband doesn't either. It was crazy. She was like, I don't. And she was like, my husband doesn't either. Or cause this flight attendant was like, have your husband switch. And she was like, he doesn't like dogs either. And he was like, I'll do it.

Sat with me by the end of the trip. Coyote's head is on his lap. He's like, I love her. He's taking pictures of her. It's so much better when dogs are on the flight. You feel so much like, first of all, any sound that goes on with the plane, they immediately, and you're like, is it bad?

What is it? The engine? Yeah, totally. I know, is it bad? What is it? The engine? Yeah, totally. I know, but people do hate that I have the service animal that's not a service animal, which I get. I do understand. Just have to get them a little vest. Yeah, she has her paperwork,

so she can just come anywhere, but people, I also let her go without the leash in airports. Wow, that's not. People don't like. Do you, when you're in the hotels, do you have this like special dog hotels you have to make sure that they'll let you?

No, cause she's serviced. Oh. So I just saw, it used to be before she was serviced, it was $150 extra for like the weekend. But now she's servicing the river. She wants the balls. You want the balls? You can get the balls. Do you have balls. Oh, you want the balls? You can get the balls.

Do you have any pets? Have you ever had pets? Only growing up. I've never had them as an adult. I'd love to. I'd love to have a dog, but I'm just always afraid with all the travel, but you seem to have figured it out.

Yeah, I mean, there's still things that suck. Like during takeoff, she gets very panty, which makes me feel guilty. Oh. Like she, oh my lord in heaven. Wow, it's really grown up. And look at her dog. The two of them together. Look at that.

Wouldn't that be great if they had their own podcast. Look at Samson's splayed toes. We're one big happy family. Look at his splayed toes like a fintech boy getting a blowjob. They always look like that. He doesn't like the balls. I think the dog has already dogged it. Look at those two fighting.

Coyote. They're heading back to the heading back to the Middle East. Coyotes, hackles, cats and dogs. You know, this place reads it reads. Like turtle, like you should have a turtle like in a very smelly little water tank. Really? Your dog really kind of like basically squatted, like kicked the real owner out of the room here. I know.

I know, when she comes over. I mean, she didn't see Samson and then all of a sudden you were holding a cat. I know, that was kind of cool, huh? The people that she barks at are, it's fucked up. It'll be like sinister looking people. And some, you know, like maybe they just didn't look at your face. Didn't't bargain me. You don't look sinister.

You really you have a benevolent soul. Yeah. You know, you know, like dogs do like they can, like my mom, like any dog loves her because she's an angel. Yeah. That's always a tell. Like if dogs like you, then there's something. Yeah. There's something good. Oh, is a David tell. Sorry. On a three hour podcast, I'll take whatever I can get. It's not three hours.

Not three hours. You should get a dog. Especially with the way you get away with being service. No, no, no. You should get a cat because you know, I don't around it. I've never we never grew up with cats. We were all allergic to them.

If you had a chance. First of all, Ian, you're always worried about your cat. You're on the road all the time. So, you know, I think the way to go would be an animal that you can travel with, which would be a falcon or something else that can meet you. A dragon. We're going to we're going to bananas and Bokypsy.

The wind is just right. So that would be awesome. Yes. Oh, Josh had a Meyers travels with his huge hound. He is a massive dog. Yeah, he is a Doberman. awesome. Yes. Oh, Josh, I admire travels with his huge hound. He is a massive dog. Yeah, he is a Doberman, right? Yeah. Wow, that is a big. You don't see many big dogs on the road now.

You know, like a lot of people in New York went for the big dog as I guess it's like, you know, like it makes a statement, you know, like I have a big apartment, I guess. Oh, I don't care about animals because it's so big. Unless you get a great day because they don't need to be exercise that much. What? They walk two feet. All dogs need to be exercise. Oh, Dave, you gave us melted. How long was this in your car? Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

What kind of car do you drive? Well, I can't even get into it right now. That's sad that that happened, but I'm sure it's still delicious. I'll try it. Where do you get all these candies? Yeah, you know what? I'm telling you, it's really difficult to find these candies sometimes on the road.

Oh yeah, because you bring them to clubs for people. Yeah, because I have to fly in and then it's like, do you got a CBS around here? And they're like, what? And I'm like, anything at Target, any place I can go and get this stuff. So it becomes like a whole, but it gives me something to do, purpose.

You know, like for old people, it gives me a purpose. That's good, but then every club you go to, I bet they're like, Dave's coming with the candy, so you gotta do it. They're already over it. No, some of them are excited. It's always the new person. I heard you bring a lot of candy. I'm like, whoa. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's something to do, and they seem to, you know, it's a long weekend, as we all know. I'm figuring out tipping at clubs now. Yes, you should do it. I'm doing it, but what I realize is, is I'm like, I have to, I ask them how many people are on staff, you know what I mean?

And then sometimes they don't know. It frazzles their brain to ask. So you tip the entire staff. Can you do that? Yeah. But I feel like then they're like, but how do I divvy it? So then I have to make a denomination. Like, how do you do it?

I tip out the bar and I tip out the people in the green room. And I always bring coffee. I always want to tip out everybody who's working a little bit because I feel rude being like this one's very nice. I make an announcement to my crowd to tip really well and like make sure they take care of the staff. Okay. Just, you know what you could do is something they don't want, which is make a donation in their name. sure they take care of the staff. Okay. Just.

You know what you could do is something they don't want, which is make a donation in their name. Buy them a goat. Adopt a highway. For, yeah, like for, you know, the staff, you know, they're making a living, but, you know, they don't have really the time to like, you know, I'm gonna make a donation for Greenpeace,

you know, something like that. You know what I should do is make those little bracelets with people's names on it. Did you see all the Gen Zers are doing that now? Oh yeah, yeah, someone just gave me like five of them. That's what I should do. You know what I should do, buy everyone that works there a scratch-off,

and then if you win, that's a tip. Wow, that would be cool. I got me and my mom scratch-offs in Delaware. Guess how much money I won? $2. $250. $92. That's not bad. That's kinda cool. How many scratch-offs? How much is it, $100 worth? I spent $2 250 dollars 92 dollars. That's not bad. How much is it? $100. I spent $40. Oh my god, you have a problem

I'd do it. Um, I was I love scratch. Me too. They're so fun. Let's see how good your dog is. Do you gamble? You like gambling? Yeah. Gambling on coming out here. We're going to have fun in Vegas. We played a ton of casinos and we used to like, you know, we usually get in so early and then like, you know, I leave right away, you know, if I can.

But, you know, like I like to play blackjack, give everybody a couple hundred bucks and we'll play it up. But this guy with his is I mean, he really goes like he has, but it's like on all these machines. I think that's like terrible. I love the penny slots. So that you don't you want to play a game? It is a game. You tap it. No, you tell me how to play Blackjack. And I love that. Yeah. That's the game. With Segora, it's really fun. Yeah, blackjack's our thing.

One time in a day... See, I don't make enough money for celebrity poker. That would be like when you can always tell like the comic, how they're doing by what their game is. If you're a poker player, then you're doing really good. Well, the last time we were... I'm somewhere in between, so I'm a blackjack. The last time we were in Vegas, I was winning.

And then every time this fucking hobbit came up I'm playing and I just look over and Dave's standing there. He's going are you winning? Like the guy who loses way early and now he's just like the friend and he's just standing there like you don don't want to be me, do you? Like just stand in here. Yeah. Yeah. We were having a conversation from 20 feet away. I was like, get away from me. Are you not allowed? Like I heard because we tried Chris DiStefano, we were on the road and they

didn't let his daughter into the casino. They were like, you can't let her in here. She's underage. And I asked why I was like, he goes, because if she pulls a slot machine, she wins, she's underaged and can't collect the money. But then I was thinking about all those movies where it's like the guys like, you know, roll the dice. Like, could you, could I be like,

you're my lucky charm baby girl. And to my wife be like, no, you have to be the one who let her in. No. You have to be 21, right? Yeah, cause you see movies are different than real life. Oh. Oh. But the good thing about it is you're never too old for a casino.

There's people there that are basically going right from there to like an embalming cemetery. You know, a huge amount of them are prostitutes. Have you seen them? What? Not the really old sad people. No. But I know the one you're talking. Yes. I finally figured out how to tell who the prostitutes are. Tell me. Ball gown in there.

Yeah. All ball gown. No, it's usually like, it's usually bad, you know, bad makeup. And they sit alone with their giant set of keys and like a giant Starbucks. And they, they pull things, but they're always looking around. Those are the prostitutes and they don't dress scantily. Really? Because the prostitutes usually approach me. Oh. And they go, hi baby, how's your night?

I go, scram, I'm playing a penny slot. And then I lose, I need to get high again. And I go, where is she? They come up to you and they say that? Wow, I think I'm talking about small town casinos. Oh, I'm talking about the big places. So you guys are gonna go to Wise Guys in Vegas. Yes. There's three, Wise Guys in Vegas? Yes.

There's three? Wise Guys Vegas, Utah. Auden and Salt Lake City. This is a new one. It's a fun club. A lot of the locals show up and they're really good audience. And it's also the week of Skankfest, so there's a lot going on there. But I'm excited for you guys and your gigs. Where's Whitney's? Where's her show? The Beacon.

Well, I was just with her on Bird Store. She crushed it. Oh, yeah. That's going to be a lot of fun. What were you doing with Sigour? It was a her show? The Beacon. Well I was just with her on Bird Store. She crushed it. Oh yeah. That's gonna be a lot of fun. What were you doing with Sigour? Was it a dating show? We did a live dating show at the Creek. It was awesome. Because I saw a picture of you and in a projector behind it, it said, hear me out.

Would you be in an open relationship? And I was like, oh, so Ian obviously wrote that and it was on the board behind it. No, no, no. Lauren Compton, it was her show and she had questions prepared. Contestants had come up and you did not write that question. No, me and Segura were the panelists. So we were judging the dating show. It was really fun. Did somebody get a date? Did one of you win a date? Someone won. We didn't know we were the panelists. Oh, yeah. We were like the celebrity judges on the panel. And we were like asking the questions,

and Lauren had questions that went on a screen. So two people did go on a date? No, one person more. We should do that. We should play a dating auction, a date off with one of us. That would be funny, and then film it. Yeah. Yeah, that would be really funny.

Where was that? Where was the dating show? Creek in the Cave. Dave, you've gone, you've gone worse. But I'm watching your cat enjoy, Yeah, that would be really funny. Where was that? Where was the dating show? Creek in the Cave. Oh. Dave, you've gone, you've gone. But I'm watching your cat enjoy, I'm sorry, I'm watching your dog enjoy these cat toys, which is like really, uh.

He loves them. I think he's embarrassed, like I can't believe I love this cat stuff. Uh-huh. Make yourself at home, lay down, take your shoe. I don't know what it is. What happened to your hip? Tie an untie your shoe.

I don't know, my giant wallet, I guess I was sitting on it. You'll know one day. I always carry a gold bar around with me and I guess now it's starting. Nice. If you're going to be throwing balls, then do some bets this football season. I threw a ball and then I said that

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You're gambling with house money there. Okay, so do it in a place where you can really make big make big my bookie It's not your boogie, it's my bookie. Go there. My bookie. I'll come. Thanks. So after you did the Netflix special, did you have a depression? Like, did you go down?

Well, that's a good first of all, we put a lot of time in the director, Scott Gallagher's great. He put so much time into editing and just all these different, you know, back and forth with him and I, you know, he was in LA, I was, so this is the first time I've ever edited with zoom. So we were doing that and like the technology is so good now that like, it really didn't feel like we weren't in the same room because usually you want to be there as they're editing. So we did all that. And, um, afterwards, like I felt the relief of it being done and then like the surprise of people enjoying it. And then I was like, now I'm back where I started,

which is like, I have no material. So coming up with the new hour is always like the, you know, me, like Sam Morel and Norman, we always talk about like, you know, I got nothing. I'm working on stuff, you know, like just the retooling, you know, is so difficult. But as an old, old man, I'm like, oh man, I can't believe. You know, I wish I had saved some jokes for this.

But now I'm probably like 20 minutes of new material, 20, 30 minutes or something like that. So it's not as bad as like the right after where you're like, whoa, I got no jokes. You know, did you right after were you like, oh, fuck, I forgot to put this in it or anything? I know. No, actually, I was just more like I wish I could have taken more out of it. Oh, wow. Because I'm like, oh, this joke would be better now because I understand what I was trying to do. And like I put a lot of premises in that like there was also some stuff that he was there.

And those guys saw it was like stuff trying to put in like stuff like right that week, you know, because it was a long week. And I was like, yeah, like those jokes like, you know, I don't know if they hold up or not. But the one thing I do note is that like I've already kind of forgotten a lot of the jokes, so that's good.

That means my head's like re- going to the next one. Or it's dementia. But either way. Yeah, one or the other. I was bummed we didn't use the initial intro you had. Yeah, well, you know what? Don't bring it up, but I would just say that

the whole idea of a cold opening for a special, I think he put a lot of work into his, and I'll give you a lot of credit, Ian, because you knew what you wanted and James who you shot it with, he totally was the right guy to go with. And it really like, I watched your special and you did great,

but like it doesn't look like it's self-produced. It really does look like a network quality special. So that's really good. Yeah, what with Netflix, do you go, you go, I have an idea, here's where I want to film it. No, I just made it myself. Like, and then I was like, if they didn't want it, do you go, you go, I have an idea. Here's where I want to fill it. I just made it myself. Like, and then I was like, if they didn't want it, I would have, you know, like there were multiple platform, like I wouldn't say like, you know, we didn't even

really try with like Max or HBO. I'm not that quality, but I would say that like we would put it somewhere, you know, and I'm glad I'm glad Netflix got it and they liked it. And, you know, all I'm going to say is just like, you have to do the work. And you guys, he gets that right away, which is that you have to promote it, even though like it's on a site, and then you have to promote it after it launches,

which is like for a month. So you're looking at like two months of your life, the before month and the after month, where it's just nonstop promoting your special. And doing podcasts. And I was out in LA driving through their like rainstorm they had out there. And I was like, I'm driving to podcasts to promote

my special and I'm gonna die in like some kind of canyon, flood, you know, and I'm like for a podcast, you know, I can't believe it. And you want to promote it even though it's on a network, you're still like, I gotta push. Yeah, no, you have to because it's really up to you to do it. But you guys already have a fan base. So these people get it.

It's just getting the other people aware of it. But you know, what do I know? I really don't understand platforming or anything like that, but I'm sure whatever you do is gonna be great, but it's just like make sure that you step up your promotion. Well, it's so different from the way it used to be.

Like when you put out Skanks for the Memories, it's like what? You just put it out and then it was like, all right, now it's the road. We even promoted, we sent out Ravens. Just read the word. He really, she really loves those balls. She does love those.

No, like mother, like daughter. I do love balls. It's a perfect size. It really is. If I bring it home, she's going to keep me up all night with it, isn't she? I just found out that she likes marrow buns. You know what she likes to do? Like she's rolling on it like for her back. I know, she does that. She does it weird. Let her have a ball. Come on.

She can have a ball. She can have a million balls. Serious dog owner. Well, if she reads her scripture, maybe she'll allow it to... She's a very religious dog. Yeah, she's into it. You think a cat would do that? No, no way. My cat does that.

Just get a dog that looks like a cat like I did. My cat plays fetch, but no one's around, so no one believes me. Does he really? Yes. You throw a toy and he goes and gets it. Yes. That's why on the cat shells, I have a I have a string with the toy and I throw it and goes on the shelf, grabs it and brings it back. But he gets scared when people are around.

He's shy. He was found in an engine block. I know, and I was his mother. And then, Dave, did I tell you what I did when he was a kitten? I laid on the ground and put his food on my chest so he'd associate me with the thing he loves. Wow.

Isn't that nice? I think it's God trying to teach you to be more like Samson. Stranger danger. Don't let everybody into your hole, you know? I don't let anyone into my hole. Anybody and everybody. Except for Emma.

Yeah. Well, did you guys know in Brooklyn they have this little fish pond? It was a hydrant that was leaking. Oh yeah, it's on the sidewalk. Yeah, some of the locals. and there was an actual like, you know, it was too good to be true because like people were into it. It became like a, like an attraction. People go see it,

take pictures there. And of course somebody did something bad there. And like some of the goldfish died. Now what they do that for these fish, but they're, they've, they've up security there now. And, um, but I was they've they've up security there now. And but I was like, man, that's a great idea. They should just have like koi ponds and stuff like that, like in these like all these potholes and stuff like that. Turn them into something beautiful.

You know what I'm saying? Now, what did they do? They do bad at the pond. Some guys just make a heroin guy, the heroin guy, be like, have him bending over and sniffing a flower. What a flower in front of his face so when he's folded, at least it looks. That would be good.

What if when someone smokes a crack pipe, like in that picture of the woman in Vietnam putting the flower in the gun barrel, someone just does that? Yeah. That'd be nice. Make the neighborhoods look nicer. I was writing, I was trying to write this joke

about potholes the other day because I was writing with a guy and he hit the pothole and I had this feeling where I was like, I was trying to write this joke about potholes the other day because I was riding with a guy and he hit the pothole. And I had this feeling where I was like, now brace yourself for his emotional reaction to that pothole. Because when a guy hit the pothole. Was it his car? It was his car. Yeah, no, everyone feels like I've had to replace a wheel and a rim.

That's like a thousand bucks. Oh, when we drive and you see a hole, you're like, watch it. Yeah, because that's what happened to my car. I had like, I was basically, it was like flak. Like I was flying over like, you know, enemy territory. Boom. Like, oh, shit. Yeah. But you don't say pothole. You go, watch out, dick. And then I'm like, yeah, because you're like not awake or whatever.

But when they hit the pothole and it's already been done, there's an emotional reaction that men have where they're like, fucking shit, this city's garbage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And as the woman in the car, you kind of have to be like braced for that, which is your own pothole. You're just like, here it comes. But when a woman hits a pothole, because we drove and we kept hitting potholes and every time it was me and my girlfriend, we were both going,

every time we'd hit one, we'd go, oh, and that's the most a woman does. Every single time is just. Because women don't understand the severity of the world. I'm a truck person. I'm into it. It's just once it's done, you're like, oh, when I drive with a woman and we hit a lot of like, oh, no, you're going to lose the baby. This is like a frontier road. Well, that's a good sign. You're driving around with a guy.

That's nice. We all made recently. No way. I had sex with a man. Where did you guys go like on the date? We didn't go on a date. It was her opener. Pfft. Hey, hey, hey, put that back in your mouth. That explains all the nervousness the dog has in him.

Yeah, the dog had to watch it. It was my ex-boyfriend, ex-ex-boyfriend. All right. Two exes ago. How come the dog doesn't have a collar on him? She likes to be naked. Really? Well, you better, you know, honestly, in this town, you know what I'm saying?

Dog napping is up. Dog rape is through the roof. No, the French bulldog is like, honestly. Is that the number one stealer dog? For a while it was. I don't know what that dog is now. You mean that has like... That people are stealing them.

But you think a collar with her name on it, but don't they just take it off if they want to steal her? No, I know. But you know, if you saw a dog on the street, she has one, but she hates it. But she needs a collar with her when she got spayed and when she got a rabies shot. But you could put one of those tracking things in the tags. I know, but she hates it. She rubs it off. Is she? But she's a dog. She's dumb. They just do. Oh, yeah, she's chipped. She is chipped. Like know, but she hates it. She rubs it off. Is she, but she's a dog. She's dumb.

They just do what you make them do. Oh yeah, she's chipped. She is chipped. Like they do with the migrants, no? Yeah. Oh, sorry. This is a different podcast. I wonder if they're gonna chip babies eventually.

Totally. So they're gonna chip everyone. That's what the fucking vaccine was. We are chipped. Well, you have TSA, right? You've already been chipped. Oh yeah, with the clear. They have my eyes on file.

And I'm still waiting for my adjudication for the TSA pre-check. Cause I got taken away when I got arrested. I don't need TSA. What does it do? TSA pre-check? You just can't take it. Go through the line. You can take your shoes off. You can leave your shoes on. Leave your shoes on. You know you're not allowed to, you know if you're under 12 and over 75 you don't have to take your shoes off? off. It's just an arbitrary thing they've made up like the age of consent. You're not giving me the eye right now. Like I could do this all day. It's a joke I did one time.

Oh yeah. Go get them. Some of us have a mortgage. You can't be throwing a ball around all day. If you were to choose an animal that was your spirit animal, Dave, what would it be? I don't know. Why is it always an animal? What's your spirit person? What's your spirit car person either? Mine's an Isuzu trooper. I'm going to say a rolling bag. Wouldn't it be great?

If you were. Wow. That's actually spot on. That's spot on for you. In Vegas, a really scary man came up to us when we were all together and he was like yelling, remember he was yelling in our face and being like, you young kids are making music bad and I hid behind you. Oh yeah, that was like our first gig altogether.

Yeah. I hid behind you. What a random thing, right? It was crazy. He was like, you're 22 and you're the reason why music's bad. And you were like, thank you. What a weird reaction to losing everything you have.

Like, he was drunk, he probably lost a lot of money. And then it was just like, yeah, no, it's music. That's the problem. And it's me that's doing it. I don't have a problem. Yeah. That was a weird, that was at Skankfest, right? Mm-hmm.

Yeah, yeah, I'm bummed they're not gonna be there this year. I know, now I'm bummed thinking about it. I know. I hope next year they do it in like Florida or something. I thought they should do it on a cruise ship. That would be interesting. Oh, so many people would jump off. I know. I think people die on cruise ships. Not that group.

No, I think they would be they would be interested in that. I only can imagine what would happen below deck. Now that I've been to a fish fest, that's how I think Skank Fest should be. Like kind of buried in the woods. I heard that it's like lots of beautiful women at these concerts now. Beautiful installations and like art installations. The women are no. No, no. Really?

I mean, maybe because I was in Delaware fish fest. Fuck you. Delaware is great. Dude, I went to your Delaware beaches and it was smoke. No, you went to the Dover beach. It was bad. You didn't go to Rehoboth beach. Rehoboth beach is the beach you go to.

You went to fucking Indian River Inlet or Slaughterneck beach or some shit. Slaughterneck is right. Yeah. Oh yeah. Wow. You're not much of a beach guy. I'm not. I'm an inlet man.

I don't know. Can you put the map up? I grew up on Long Island. We had plenty of beaches there, but you know, they were rough beaches and they were good ones. You know, Jones Beach, fantastic. You guys probably know Rockaway Beach. Yeah. Reese Beach. You like Reese Beach? Reese Beach? Yeah. Jacob Reese Beach. That's the queer beach. No, I don't know it. Fire Island is what we used to like. That was like supposedly like its own little world. Have you ever been?

No, I haven't. Really? And um. Patreon.com slash B&E and Dave goes to. Yeah. And then, uh, Gilgo Beach. I'm sure you heard about it. The killer.

The killing beach. The killing beach. Wasn't he identified by like. If you go out to the Hamptons. Yes. Well, if you go out to the Hamptons, you know, those people, it's like, they got to beaches, but they all have these amazing pools.

So like, my friend who has a house out there, and he did a great job, he built his house, and he has just built another one, and he's got this awesome pool. Like, you know, when's the last time you were at a friend's house who has a pool? Like, it's always like, hey, we got a tub, you know? But like, this guy has a pool,

and like, that really is a selling point. When I was in LA, we stayed at Jason Els' house, and I would get up naked in the morning at 8 a.m. and go swimming on Sunday naked. Which I think is inappropriate. No? That's a tough... He has a backyard and secret.

To go naked into somebody's pool, I think is inappropriate. Why? Because you have poop particles in your butthole. No, I don't, I'm a clean man.? Because you have poop particles in your butthole. No, I don't. I'm a clean man. Yeah, but. How was the pool though? Great.

It's just okay. Did he have like a six foot area or like a, like was it a, like. Yeah, there was a deep end. Yeah, that's correct. I went to a pool in San Antonio. This gal invited all of us over. Her grandfather invented Tyvek,

which is a construction material. I had to hear about this on the phone for two hours. Yeah. Tyvek, you know what it is, right? I do. It goes on the outside of your house to protect it. Yeah, I didn't know that. Yeah, I know.

A weather shield. Educate yourself. And, uh, it, there was a hot tub. It was great. That's great. I love a pin-on hot tub. Can I tell you, it's got a great pool. Jeff Ross at his house.

Boom. That's a, that's a pool. Oh yeah. You go underneath and you can see into the house. Yeah, that's my dream. And there's a hot tub there. But that's set up for a horror film. Well, whatever it is, that's the

pool. And like, you know, you get out of the pool, you can look over the hills like Hollywood Hills and all that kind of stuff. You don't seem like a fireman. The best you seem more like a bucket fella. I'm a rain barrel man.

But you know what I don't like? And I you love it lake swimming. I love like I knew it I could see I like coming out smelling like a lake. I love lunch now. Come on guys. Everyone dank I love the giant carp that are in there. I love it. Yeah Hey, I stepped on a lot of different things out there. Let's walk around in a store with no shoes on. You like saltwater then? I'm not really. I like every time I go to Vegas, it's always the wrong season or something like that. And the pools are closed for some reason. Like we have to redo the pool. Yeah, every time. But I like those pools. You like pools? Yeah, yes.

We've gone swimming. I like a yeah. Where was that again? Oh, Arizona. And the guy killed someone. Then there was a knife fight and they had to empty the pool because blood was in the pool. Oh, you're a pool shark. You kill the pools. You make the pools close up.

That wasn't us. We were there and then we left and then there was a full tilt knife fight at the pool, you know, which is weird. And then Dave was like, come inside. They got guns. And we saw the guys going around. Yeah, the cops were like, It was crazy. Where was it? Like inside. They got guns. And we saw the guys going around. Yeah, the cops were like, it was crazy.

Where was it? Like Phoenix. Phoenix, Arizona. Phoenix is crazy. There was some playoff. You would kill somebody too if it was that hot. I mean, it's hot. It's so hot that they spray you with mist.

Have you seen those mist sprayers to cool down your meat sack that's boiling? But the street people there, like they're like lizards, you know, like they fight each other for shade. It's like, get out of my shade. In Phoenix, I saw all of these ancient cactuses that they had, that they had propped up with two by fours,

but there was like, literally they were severed from the bottom, they just kept them alive with these two by fours. And every night I went on stage and said, you got all these cactuses that held up like Joe Biden killed every time. Nice, Nice. You read the crowd.

But that's, yeah, I like the desert. So, you know, like a pool in a desert would be cool. Yeah. I've never been to Palm Springs, but I bet you that's like, they have some nice. It's pretty cool. The best is a lake in California. What film festival were you there for?

Like, that's like a weird, like, I did a commercial for JetBlue years ago and they gave me free tickets to Palm Springs. Wow. Cool. Yeah. Good negotiation. I was, you know how they had the in-flight videos on the back of the chairs?

I was in one of those videos. Really? When was that? What year? 2017. What did you do in the video? I had to be a travel agent from the 60s named Jerry Kuchenbaum. You had a name?

Mm-hmm. It was cool. Ian is a good actor Mm-hmm. Yeah, it was cool. Ian is a good actor, I think. Thank you. Yeah. I like acting. She doesn't like my acting. He overacts.

No, she doesn't like it because I break the crew and everyone laughs and she's like, you're not supposed to do that. He only overacts because you're watching it on the phone. If you watch it in the big screen. Ah. That's right. If I watch it on Broadway, it's perfect.

Yeah. I love acting. What movie would you, screen. If I watch it on Broadway, it's perfect. We love acting. What movie would you if you could be in any of the current movies, which one would I would love? Lewis said this is a flower moon. Lewis said this on a podcast and it's true. Native American woman. He would I would love to be in a remake of Dog Day Afternoon. Wow. I think I'd nail it.

OK, let's do an acting scene right now. OK, let's say from what scene right now. Okay. From what movie? You can't do that. It's from a new idea that's burst into reality. Okay, I am your son. And you just found out that I have to go off to war, but you served in the Korean War and you know how bad war is. So you don't want me to go,

but you also kind of think that it'll be good for me. Okay? All right. Hold on. It's from the Army. I kind of think that it'll be good for me. Okay? All right. Hold on. It's from the army. What does it say? It says, you've been drafted. Oh son, I don't want you to go to the army.

I came over and I joined the army so I can be a citizen. And it's something I had to do. But for you, there's no Irish didn't the Irish Fox, don't you dare take it away from me. Me and my fellas, we went over there. We lost a lot of Jimmy's and Joe's and I don't want you to go, son. Make up an illness. Will you farm me? No, I think it'll be good for me to go. It might straighten me out a bit because you don't have much direction.

Yeah. My ugly wife. What do you think? I'm sorry. I was acting like I was interested. I thought that was a great scene. First of all, as an acting coach, I'm just gonna say you guys make sure that your credit card information's right. Because you guys are a couple more lessons away from being really on top of it. That was an interesting setup.

But you know, I was hoping the dog would start growling like it could smell overacting. But I love your, I like how you, um, you're heavy acting, your heavy accent. And then she had no accents at all. Well, because I came from Ireland and you were raising your hands. What other accents can you do? Can you do Indian? Oh yes I can. David is my favorite. Now do an Indian accent. Who Oh yes I can. David, it is my favorite to do.

Now do an Indian accent who's a sad person. Oh I'm very sad. I do not like being alive. Now you need one more accent and you can... Jamaican. Oh man, I don't want you to go to the wall. Okay, now do a quiet Jamaican. Okay man. I'm in the library.

There's no such thing. All right. Now, Dave, give us a scene to do and then we'll do it. How about sitting quietly? OK. This is what most stepfathers do. Let's play a game. Who can sit the quietest? I OK, we are. You see, he loves acting. He really does.

We're at a coffee shop, right? And you forgot your wallet and you're trying to convince me to give you the free coffee. OK, we're seriously acting now. Yeah. OK. We're going to show. That's going to be $27.95.

Jeez, OK. Dude, I have done this so many times. I do not have my wallet and I did not bring my phone for, okay, can you listen to me? I just, okay, I have to go. I have to get the dog home. Can you just pay for it? And I'm gonna next, I come in every day.

You've seen me a million times. Dude, come on, you've seen me a million times. You know me. I know and I just can't do that. I'm sorry. I feel like this is a grift. You look like a grifter. No, no, no, no, no.

I look like a, what do you mean? Is it my shirt? It's your hair and your general facial structure. Is it? I've been told that. You look dirty. Do I look dirty? Yeah.

Okay, forget it. Your dog shit all over your face. Forget everything. Forget everything. I'll put everything back under the shelf myself. Sorry, sorry. We have to give a bottle of water to this homeless man. I'm sorry.

Did you bring him? That was- Sir. This is like some kind of torture where you have to watch people act. But either you nailed it there, like oh, I'm so sorry, and that kind of thing. That's because it's happened to me

every day at the coffee shop. It happens every day. Do they give you a free coffee? Yeah, yeah. Wow, privilege, crazy, right? What happens, this was bold. The other day I went in it, because I do always forget my thing when I walk the dog,

and I was like, shit, I was like, no, seriously, don't do it because this has happened before. And she's like, no, just take it. And then I took it and Coyote was looking at me and I was like, fuck. And I went over and they have free dog treats. And I took one of those and was like, All right, new one. Ready? Yeah. I'm a child and you're explaining me that you and dad have to get a divorce. I don't love you or your father anymore. It was a mistake. I was young and my mother was Catholic

and forced me into marriage and said that I would go to hell if I didn't, but I've recently discovered that God is a lie. And so is the love of a mother to their son saying that it's unconditional. It's conditional. And the condition is, I don't love you. Mommy, are you looking at me or daddy?

Your eyes separate. What's happening? My eyes aren't separated. They're just really big. So it looks like one of them's lazy, but it's not. Just one eyelid goes down a little bit. Do I live with you or dad? You live with your father under the bridge.

How do you feel about this? What? You guys are great. I don't care. father under the bridge. How do you feel about this? What? You guys, you guys are great. This is why mom's weaving, because you don't care. You know, this is like if they had karaoke for acting, but you guys are standing at a bar, everyone wants you to just be quiet. OK, I have an idea because.

Wait, he just she just broke open the ball. Whatever. The second one. You know what they're trying to get, because there's a little bell inside. So she might swallow it and then she'll be like jingling. That's OK, because then you'll have a jingling. Or rush to an animal stomach pumping. Yeah. OK, here's my question, because people, this is I honestly.

The this the speed, the speed that you come up with things to say to people in the crowds and that. I can't top that acting stuff that you come up with things to say to people in the crowds and that. I can't top that acting stuff that you guys did. When you do that. Same guy in everything I do, a homeless guy or a rabbi. So. All right. My.

I'm a homeless rabbi. Yes. You're a homeless rabbi married to this. Dave won't accept any compliments. You know why? Cause she used her same voice, which is why you are a master of characters, not like, you know, she used her own character. All right, I'll be myself.

Give us a scenario. I'll be a character. Give us a scenario. See, he's so competitive with this. Okay, a scenario. Yeah. Okay, here we go. We're in a basement doing a podcast no one listens to.

All right? At what point do I get up and go to the bathroom? But it really is me leaving. No, okay, how about this? You're in a nuclear war and you're in a basement. You've run out of food now, so you have to draw straws to eat somebody. So go ahead.

Okay, I'll be a character this time and you be yourself. Okay. You can be a character. All you have is this bag of candy now. I drew the shortest straw. I have to eat you. Hey man, you don't want to eat me. I'm like full of cheese and stuff.

No way, dude. Listen, what if we just take a little nibble off each other? I don't know. You could hide your thing in my thing. We could bite it pieces off. I'm just saying. Hide my thing in your thing? We procreate. off. I'm just saying hide my thing in your thing We procreate have a baby What character is this? This is Ian. I thought you were doing like a Kensington, Philadelphia

All right, fine zombie first. Thanks, man. You're a real pal. I'm never gonna forget this You guys are really good he just's actually pretty good. She just broke the ball open. How did you get in here? Oh no, the zombies are coming. Could you put some male semen on this so it tastes better to me? Hey, that's not how Ian acts. Ian's a cool guy.

He must be doing a different character. Oh no, the zombie's aging rapidly. Look at him. I'm afraid this zombie's aging rapidly. Look at him. I'm afraid this dog's gonna eat him. Oh, the zombie might bite us and make us. We have Dave trapped down here. I feel like we have to ask him things

that people wanna know, but people don't want to. You don't wanna go back up there. I don't wanna go back up there. I'm like that interloper. I just came in. That's great. That's really good, guys. What's up there?

Tell us about the world up there. Oh my God, there's like Irish accents going around. Some overacting. You overact. You go too hard. Fine, I'll act normal. Come on, please don't. No, how many auditions do you do a week?

One every other week. That's great. Two. So? That doesn't. Two. So? And how do you do it in person? That doesn't mean anything. And how do you do it zooming? It's on self tapes.

See isn't that the worst? It's the worst. I wish it was in the room. Yeah. You know? I can win over a room but on the self tape I'm kind of. See I always wanted to do voiceovers because I'm ugly. I was like this is an ugly man's game right?

But you do it on the voiceovers. But now it's all these really attractive people doing the voiceovers. You do voiceovers? No. There's three people, three people I have met in the last six months who said they would bang you.

What? Yeah, live women, not them. I doubt it. Yeah. But when I was- She's right here, come on in. When I was, get the balls ready. When I-

When I- Hey, Dave. get the balls ready. When I, when I. Hey Dave. Get the balls ready. She can't fit down the narrow stairs to the. But when I was, you know, like I go, I love to do these voiceovers and they were like, yeah, well you have a good voice, which means you're ugly.

You know, that's really what they're saying. You're a handsome fella. No, no, they're like, I can't believe you haven't done one already, you you're ugly. You know, that's really what they're saying. So I'm like, no, no, they're like, I can't believe you haven't done one already, you're that ugly. So I was like, well, bring it. Well, I'll ugly it up. Then all these really good looking people

started doing voiceovers. You know why I think it is? Because the people at the voiceover place want to hang out with attractive people. You know? I mean, if you're a guy, like, does it matter? Like, in your mind, like, oh, that's a super hot girl talking to me It doesn't know. I don't know. It's true. Mm-hmm. It's not bitter about I just wanted to give you guys a heads up

You think you okay? Ethan's covering his one good. Hi. Yeah. How do you like our producer with an iPad? Yeah, that was really you know I thought it had kind of like a pirate ship feel to this Are you regretting being here? If he looks directly at the podcast he wants to kill himself. Are you going to roll? That's good. A lot of light.

So it's like. That explains why the cameras are a little bit to the right. Everybody's always a little bit off. My mom wanted to call and talk to you. And what happened? Oh, she left a voicemail. Do you want to hear it? Yeah, I'd love to hear it.

It's probably embarrassing how gushing she is. She's so good. She loves you. Yeah. She loves you. I always say to her, you deserve better. Here. This is what she said.

Did you hear my slam on you? You deserve better. Here, this is what she said. Did you hear my slam on you? You deserve better. Right here it is. Damn it. What was that? It says, oh, damn it. She doesn't know how to work a phone. She's just like you.

Oh, that's cute. Here, ready? I'll call her real quick. She's just like, oh, that's cute. She's going to flip her gourd. Hey, look at you making a big mess. Hey, you messed up the voicemail. You're live on the podcast. He's going to get sick. She's going to eat. No, you're live on the podcast. Dave's here. Hi. How are you? I always send messages to you through Dave. I mean, through A, I'm so excited. Thank you. He never gives them to you. He tells me. I'm on the podcast. I'm having a great time. Oh, good. Well, I just want you to know that I appreciate you so much for

being in Ayan's life. That's all right. Just keep sending those checks. Do you want me to be his friend? He said, that's all right. Keep sending the checks if you want him to keep being my friend. No, Ian is great. And you know what? You did a great job with him.

Aw, did you hear that mom? He's a good guy. I really appreciate that. He takes care of his friends. And thank you for your help in raising him. You played a big part. All right, mom. Well, thank you.

I hope to see you soon. Okay, time to go. Say your goodbyes, mom. We're gonna put you to sleep forever. Thanks, Steve. All right. Bye now. Bye bye.

Was that really your mom or were you doing an impression? It's hard to tell now that I know that you're a master character. Hello, it's Ian's mother. Oh, Ian. Perpetually crying. Yeah.

Oh, Ian, I'm so glad you're still alive. I should have brought better balls for the dog. I know. Really going nuts on them. Well, I mean, she's eating them. She's gotta get the ball out. Yeah. I can't wait till you come over to do the podcast part two

and it's just a room full of balls upstairs. Dude, remember ball pits? What was I thinking? Did you ever go to the ball pits? When I was younger? Aren't they the best? I don't think we had that then. Really?

I don't think there was anything like that. What'd they have? Well, you know, I think like, what is older, Chuck E. Cheese or Dave and Busters? Chuck E. Cheese. Okay, so yeah, I think that was like that. Yeah. Did they have those there?

Were you like an arcade guy? I was, you know, I realized I was just watching all these documentaries about New York. It's like, I was so not know, I realized I was just watching all these documentaries about New York. It's like, I was so not involved in so many scenes here. Really? The punk movement, the, uh, what you would call it, the, uh, squatters revolt, you know, like there was like all these things. I was like, I was too busy.

I couldn't imagine you at like Andy Warhol's factory. Well, that was already, that would have been like something, but in the end, no, I like, if there was something that was iconic, I went the other direction. You never went to studio 54. That was already, you know I actually was there for a bar mitzvah when I used to be a Photographer's assistant some rich guys kid had it had a bar mitzvah there and we were like just wandering around like whoa This is what this must have been wild then but it's like these really rich kids, like just like, you know, dancing and stuff like that. So- Did you go to college?

Yeah, I went to NYU. Wow, for what? Film and television. So did Ian, but not for that. Stop smoking so much. No, Ian was, I thought an actor. No, I went to school for teaching because I used to be a teacher.

Wow. And what did you do before you did comedy? I don't know. Carpentry. Really? I went to school for philosophy, but I was a teacher. Wow, and what did you do before you did, Cami? I don't know. Carpentry. Really? I went to school for philosophy, but I was a contractor. Wow, well, you know, I have a guy working on a project for me now, and I'm paying him 70 bucks an hour.

If you have that skillset, you can make some big money. I did, I did make big money. We're gonna build a table next week, right? I don't know if we're doing that. We might not be able to. You told me we were doing it on the 27th, why not? I know, but we might not be able to. Why not?

Why? You have all the tools and everything, right? I have all the tools, but we might not be able to. Why not? Why? You have all the tools and everything, right? I have all the tools, but I don't know if we can, because I gotta figure it out. All right. Well, either way, when you get this house, you can put a nice, you know, like you can do, that'll be a good thing. A portico.

I just hate building. I did it so many years that I hate doing it. Wow. I love drywall. I love hanging sheetrock and the mudding and the t-thing. So you're done with it. You don't like doing it. Wow. I love drywall. I love hanging sheetrock and the mudding. So you're done with it. You don't like doing it. I like building like decks and fences and outdoor stuff.

Like the outdoor will be super fun for me to do. But like remodeling is a nightmare. You have to open up somebody else's shit, find all the shit that they did and then try and fix it. Well, that's what we were terrified about in my mom's house. If we ripped the tub out, what's underneath it? It was an old house.

We didn't do that. We didn't have to do that. But that was the whole thing of we don't know. And it could be a real house of cards where it just falls on itself. We would tear people's bathrooms out and find in between the studs, guys would throw old beer cans from the 60s

and they'd be the pull tabs. Oh, that's cool. That was cool to find. Or old newspapers. Yeah, I found cool. That was cool to find. Or like old newspapers. Yeah, I found old cigarette packs, like ancient ones. Yeah. In my mom's house, the guy, the house we bought it from, he had all these safes put in,

but like there's nothing in the safes, but we would find them all the time, like hoping that there's something cool in there, like jewels or something like that. It was never anything. And the best part is that he had one in the floor, which is like the coolest, like cemented into the floor. Like, I can only imagine was it had to be guns like that.

But when the house flooded, that became like this, like cesspool of like, oh, everyone here is going to die of mold now. Really? Because I'm down there and like I'm like basically cave diving into the safe. And I was like, oh, this is disgusting. Like this guy sucks, man. Yeah. Could at least put something in there that made it worth nothing. We blew open the doors, you know, like we blew open the.

It was like Al Capone's. Yes, it was like so on. Yeah. Fucking. Much like the story they're telling of it. It has no ending. My dad, when he built the house, would make me would make me go get something to hide in the house.

Yeah. And then he'd seal it up. And one time he was like, go get something and I'll hide it in the house and it'll be in there forever. And I got this little toy bear and I put it in. And then in the middle of the night, I went into my dad's room and I was like, Dad, you have to go. And he was like, where?

I was like, yeah, we have to go to your job site. That bear, we got to get him. I didn't mean to. I don't want him in there. He's in the dark. My dad took me to the job site, opened the wall up and was like, here's your fucking bear.

And I was like, wow, that's so nice. Now let's reenact it. I don't want to get the bear for you. He's in there alone. He's living there forever. Not that he's going to say you get in there now. Yeah, I guess. It's you or the bear.

It's you or the bear. Which one you care about more, Jordan? I'll go in there. All right, good. You're gonna lock you up forever. My dad was very sensitive. Like if I had imaginary animals, he would like open the door for them

and be like, get all your animals in. Aw, he's a good dad. Did you have any imaginary friends? What is this? Ian, Ian's our imaginary friend. Hello. We have no friends you have. Everyone's our imaginary friend. Hello. We have no friends you have. Everyone's an imaginary enemies.

I had an imaginary friend that was a deer and his name was Venatio. That's a good one. That's a really good one. I had a tiger. Really? What was the name? It was Raja, which is the name of the tiger in Aladdin, which I'm not proud of, but it is true. Did you guys have TV or anything? Yeah. I watch too much TV. I would watch TV and just hammer boys.

Are you an only child? No, I had a sister who was very mean. Oh, right, right, right. But she still lives up in, upstate? Yeah, we're good now. She's a real estate agent who helped me find that house. Oh, nice. I can't wait till you move in.

That's gonna be a wild party. It's gonna be fun. Yeah. It'll just be me and the dog though. Nobody can make it up there. It's so far. I move in. That's gonna be a wild party. It's gonna be fun. It'll just be me and the dog though. Nobody can make it up there. It's so far. I'll go. That's smart.

I'll go. No, it's even too far for you. Oh, I'll find a way. I'll burn the bridge when you're in. Is there a fun little town there or no? Yeah, yeah, really cute little town. Maybe you can start a comedy club there. That's nice to be everybody does that now.

You should start your own little club there. If you could move to one town, where would it be? Hmm, I don't know, man. I like the desert, but I'm kinda stuck here, you know, in New York right now. But probably West, go West, you know? Where the gold is. Although I did enjoy my trip to West Virginia.

I don't know if you've been there. Yeah, Richmond? Why do you like West Virginia so much? It just seems like it's like still kind of feral and wild. They literally have people. I went there and one of the guys who was like the club owner there or something was like, you have to watch out for the Hill people. And I guess they have literally feral people who like.

I thought it was from Hills of Eyes. No, the Walking Dead, the Hill tribe versus the other. I went down there in high school to help like build homes and stuff in Appalachia and we saw a guy running down the street being chased by a snake. That's awesome. Awesome. And there's awesome. Yeah. And there was a guy named Lloyd who was used to be like the town handsome guy and he got drunk and fell on a fire and he was horribly disfigured. Yeah. That's all. But those people, like I was down there doing a casino and like we went to, um, like a Wawa or something like that. And like people were there.

They were like dressed up to go. They were like sitting there. People were on dates. It was like one of those kinds of places. It was really nice, but it was just like, they have nothing. So when they get something, they really like appreciate it. So it was like, yeah, we're all going down here and, you know, like, you know, like people like, you know, like crying, like, I can't believe I can get a coffee and I'm over saying, but yeah, but all the fun stuff they have, they got guns, they got fireworks. Yes.

You know, they got all this kind of fun stuff like in New York. You can't do any of that. Yes. Now I will play a scene where you've just given me guns and fireworks and I'm happy. Okay, go ahead. I can't believe I got this stuff that you gave to me. Thank you. Oh, there's a snake. What do you think? Well, that was just, first of all, punching down. I believe. Let's go through your empty calendar up there. You got a lot of work ahead of you. MRI written on three days.

Yeah, I know. Oh, I'm so pissed I can't get my MRI tomorrow. If you were to buy a house, where would you buy it? Delaware. The beach. Really? Rehoboth. Yes. No way. Totally. I can't see you doing that. Really? Rehoboth. Yes. No way. Totally.

I can't see you doing that. What? Where do you think I'll buy a house? No, I would see you not doing that because first of all, you don't really want to go back there. Second of all, like that's, you know, you know what I'm saying? Like you've done it. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? But I see you more like, like, like a West, like another West place.

Yeah, that's I would like a West Coast place. But I would like I would like a West Coast place, but I'd also like a bungalow at Rehoboth Beach. OK, we'll give you that. Yeah, we're talking investment property. We're hope. No, then if you're going to go for investment, then you've got to go to one of these towns that's like not discovered yet,

like what you did. Yeah. And like, you know, like because it's too expensive, like all those towns that like Nashville, all those different places that were, you know, a while ago was like reasonable expensive. Like all those towns that like Nashville, all those different places that were, you know, a while ago it was like reasonable. Now they're like sky high, forget about it. I was looking in Nashville and then we had the hottest summer

of the, in the world. And I was like, I don't know if I can go south. Dude, everything's behind. That's smart, cause Maine, I was just up to Maine, like, you know, Maine and like Canada and stuff like that. That might be some place to like look at. I had some place in New Hampshire would be cool. Live for your dad? I like New Hampshire. But there is something about upstate and like Canada and stuff like that. That might be someplace to like look at. I think some place in New Hampshire would be cool. Live for your dad?

I like New Hampshire. But there's something about upstate and like those places like in the summer, a lot of flies, a lot of that kind of stuff, you know? Oh, we just heard Weston Isles back. Thank you. Thank you for bringing it back. Oh, look, the dog's all tired out

from destroying those balls. Weston is his daughter. Wow. I mean, this, I mean, we're having a tired out from destroying those balls. What's wrong with my age daughter? Wow. I mean, we're having a great time, but you know. Yeah, we gotta go. Do we? Because I have to go to the bathroom, so I don't wanna get up, because I know you'll talk about me.

Thanks for having me on the podcast. It was definitely worth the trip. Was it? It was, yeah. Really? I'm really glad, first of all, to spend time with friends, and also, you know,

I would love to see you guys live at some shows, you know. Ian, I'm really stoked for this Vegas West. Wise guy game. I love being on the road with you, it's always a good time. You know, it's gonna be powerful. Are you guys gonna shoot guns? Yeah, I think we'll do that.

Yeah, do you do that a lot of places? Yeah, Vegas is kind of like for the amateurs, you know. We consider ourselves a semi-future now. Ian has a great shot. You know who's a good shot? No, I'm not. I'm an axe thrower. I was raised throwing the axe. Are you a good shot? He really is good. I shot one time indoors and I was such a good shot. You know, that's something you guys could do. It really like I think the fans would enjoy. I went out, I could do it. You put an apple on his head. You try and shoot it off. And he does it to you. I would love that.

Yeah. That'd be smaller and smaller fruit. Hit a grape off my head. Look, I went shooting Saturday in San Antonio. I hit the X in the middle twice. Wow. Look at that. That's awesome. Yeah, there's a lot of holes around that, though. Yeah. Well, no.

What's the worst place we shot? L.A. Remember that? Oh, yeah. Oh, OK. You can hold the you know, like you can say the word gun. You know, it was like one of those things. I like too many rules. Yeah. Whereas in Oklahoma, they're like, you know, got a gun. OK, hold on a second. They like hand you like to machine.

Oh, yeah. That guy was like, come on, get closer to the target. We were like, are you sure this is safe? That guy was so cool. Yeah. And I've shot with a bunch of people, you know, like a lot of them no longer, you know, because of the Capitol riot. But I'm telling you, like that guy at that place that we're talking

about, like his son worked at the gun store. Like I grew up working in a woman's shoe store. Like I'm wondering what his what this is going to when he goes to therapy years later. Well, I guess I grew up in a gun store, you know, so I don't have these weird thoughts.

You know? I don't know how to tell my dad. That was the joke, where it was like, I don't know how to tell my dad, I really just wanna dance. Like, how do I do it? I mean, within 300 yards, he can take me out. He has to go like two miles away.

Dad! Oh, look at him. Look at her. Take me out. Go like two miles away. Oh, look at them. Look at her. The gun range that I went to, they had like pictures of like you could choose like the Karen that was like a white lady who was calling the manager. Oh, there's the targets. Yeah, there was like a black dude that was like a hood. Well, what you music loud on the train.

This was in Nebraska. Really? Yeah, that makes sense. And it wasn't like you'd be like, you'd be like, I call this one the Karen. And it was like a white lady. Like, yeah. Dude, in Nebraska, I went to a place and it was a restaurant and to show

mail or the men's or women's room, it was like guns and holsters. Whoa, that's crazy. That's actually sick. Yeah. And there were guns on the door as the handles. We're just a holster for your gun, big boy. And then there was another one that was like, trucks and garages.

Oh my God, that's so fucked up. The thing that moves and things that saves put that we ram into. Yep, yep, yep. Wow, that's amazing. Yeah, and then there was one that was like, the one that's worth living and the other you can live with that. There was moneymaker and won't shutter pothole.

We saw one that was woke. That was like, that was like, whoever is welcome. And it was like a picture of an alien. And my opener was like, that's a weird way to depict Mexicans. Do you, do you do do you get like all when you see a bathroom like that, do you just like, well, I'm just going to do it on the floor. This is something they usually don't have to deal with.

Well, hey, thanks for coming over, Dave. Thanks for having me. Yes. Watch is special. It's unbelievable. What would you like to plug? Tell the people. What I'd like to plug. First of all, thanks for the support to this point. I know your fans are super comedy fans, so thanks for letting me be a part of it.

But I would say this weekend, which is Labor Day weekend, I'll be at the stress factory in New Brunswick, New Jersey. So yes, I love the club. I know it's a holiday weekend, but getting out of the heat, come on down, have a drink. And I got some merch. So I'll be merging it up there. And then we're gonna merge it up in Vegas as well. Yes, September 26 and 27th.

He's a master of both guns and merch. I love guns and merch. Yeah. And then what do you got the weekend after that? Whoa, easy. I don't know. I'll be working on my mom's gutters. Oh, look at you.

No, I know like I got gigs. I got plenty of stuff all the way to the end of the year. So check out my site, davidsell.com. Yes. Thanks. Patreon.com slash beanie and pod for bonus episodes, early episodes, tons of fun stuff. Ianfiedance.com for all my dates leads up to my punchup.live slash Ianfiedance. No, just do punch up because your dates are on there.

Yeah, but on my website it has my special annual click dates and it goes straight to PunchUp. Okay. Then there's no reason to send people to PunchUp then. If you're just sent, whatever. PunchUp lives. That's where you get my tour dates. But you just sent them to my website for the tour dates.

If you go to my website and tour dates, you click it and it goes to punch up for all my tour dates. But on my website, you have, yeah, but it's easier to go to Ian Fidance.com. Why would you have punch up at all? Because that's where my tour dates are. But you find it live slash Jordan Jensen and punch up dot live slash Ian Fidance. That's all you have to go to one stop shop, hit it and quit it.

If you want to watch a special, it's on YouTube. Go watch it. If you want to watch a special, it's on YouTube. Go watch it. And also, I'm going to be a Milwaukee improv. Fuck. We got to go. Winnipeg rumors, a ton of stuff coming up. See you then. Bye. It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter what you say anymore.