Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Ep126: Hot Take Christmas W/ Kareem Rahma & John Kennedy

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey everybody, December 31st, New Year's Eve, my 48th birthday, Rhode Island comedy connection, two shows, 8pm, 1030pm. Come celebrate, bring in the new year with me and a special guest that you know and love and you see every week. Oh, God, Paul. Yeah, I'm fine. Anyway, punchup.live slash Ian Finance. For all my dates, mailing lists, and to get tickets. See you there.

Starting point is 00:00:29 We love you. Enjoy the episode. Bye. So why ride when you're being Ian? Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt So why ride when you're being Ian? Being Ian Life is shit but you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live a life being Ian being Ian with Jordan fully believing in it and I'm like you're I get that you're chilling but you're also like being

Starting point is 00:01:18 like I fully believe in this thing and I'm like well what about this part and he's like I I believe that because it's in the whole thing but I'm not really that type of a one. I'm like, but you are doing the rest. I don't know. You know what I mean? I saw something that I thought was beautiful today. In Islam, pay your employees before the sweat dries. And I go, that's good advice. There's that advice. Pay me right away. No, pay me No, pay me right away. Don't no net 30, no net 60, no net 90. Right. But you don't need a religion to tell you like how to be a good person. Some people do. No.

Starting point is 00:01:51 Some people. I would argue that the majority of people need religion to tell them to be a good person. Don't argue. She's dressed as a Grinch. Yeah. Yeah. She's fixing her grinch face. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:02:03 You're a mean one, Mr. Mohammed. It creates a hierarchy. Uh-huh. And I think it's really... But you don't like religions. I like, I believe in like higher power shit. I believe that there's like a, you know, something... What about the Ten Commandments?

Starting point is 00:02:23 Ten Commandments? Get the fuck out of here. What? They're insane. What? Thou shall not kill. That's insane. Thou shall not spread.

Starting point is 00:02:31 I mean, have you read them? It's like one of them is like, thou shall not speak ill of thy neighbor when his- That's good. Have you read them? No, that's why I'm saying. It doesn't say that. No, but even if it does, that's good.

Starting point is 00:02:40 Yeah. Why are you talking shit? Ian, that's so obnoxious. The one rule we should all follow is love thy neighbors as I would love thyself. You don't get to ring a bell just because you wanna talk. You know the Bible good. I'm Santa.

Starting point is 00:02:54 Oh, okay. And Santa rings the bell. Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's ox or whatever. It's just a fight between two types of wives. I think that's about wives. Yeah, that's a wife. You're just talking about a fat wife. Well, that's also, all of the things you're saying are good

Starting point is 00:03:06 It's like keeping up with don't be the same as any fucking comic book that teaches good things humans want good things You know, most adults don't want to read comic books. They want to read something from God You can think about it as an the Bible is kind of like the first comic by the angel Gabriel You know angel Gabriel didn't write the Quran. That's not true. I wasn't around back then. You think an angel wrote the Quran? Look me in my franchise and tell me. Were you there?

Starting point is 00:03:30 Were you there? I wasn't there. Then you don't know either. But you know an angel didn't write it. You don't know that. You know some god. That's boring. No, that's the problem with your generation.

Starting point is 00:03:37 Yeah. Millennials. Tell her. No, Millennials, they don't want to believe anything they can't see, which is why the magic of Christmas has all but disappeared from the fricking planet that we have to cosplay when in reality actual Santa would be here. But you guys scared them away. I think in things that aren't there,

Starting point is 00:03:55 I have higher power shit. I have amazing. What's a higher power. You're just like when you think that there's something bigger than yourself directing you, but I don't. AKA God, not an angel. You just don't want to use the name. No, not with all. She just doesn't want to use the name. You're trying to be. But I believe that there's no. You believe that there's a higher power in most places. That's just called God. It's the same thing.

Starting point is 00:04:13 But God can be whatever you want, but the rules and regulations. Ian, we're not doing that. Everything after but is bullshit. Will you do my podcast where we can actually have a conversation? Yeah. Thanks. Isn't this it? No, no. I have another one. The Dora Rogen podcast? Where we can actually have a conversation? Yeah. Thanks. Isn't this it? No, no. I have another one. The Dorogeon podcast?

Starting point is 00:04:26 Where we can actually talk. Yeah. Actually talk, but I'm going to chime in with some fun stuff. When are we doing it on this one? How the Grinch stole pews from a mosque. We'll do the other one where there isn't a bell. OK, OK. This one you just fart.

Starting point is 00:04:35 It's a good one. OK. No, let's talk. No, far away. Grinch, far away. When do we fart? No, let's hear you fart. Go ahead.

Starting point is 00:04:41 Now's the time to fart. I don't have one in me. Fine, you can do it. If I push hard enough, one will come out. This pushes on my eyeballs. I burped. I did a burp. Welcome, welcome, ho, ho, ho.

Starting point is 00:04:52 Welcome to the Christmas episode of B and E and with Jordan. What does that bell say on it? Ho, ho. You're gonna steal it. I knew it. You little Grinch. Oh, I wonder what it says on the bell. You can't keep ringing it. You little Grinch. Oh, I wonder what it says on the bell.

Starting point is 00:05:05 You can't keep ringing it. Well, you can't keep. Exactly. We are so happy for our guest today. Blow the shofar, please. You already rang the bell. That's enough noise. Oh, my mustache. And it's rude to our Muslim guest. To what? Blow that thing. It's showing that love wins.

Starting point is 00:05:29 I don't even know what that thing is. Blow it all you want. It sends people. You've never seen a Hasidic guy be like, are you Jewish? And then they. I didn't know they were blowing on a freaking ox's head. Do I blow it to well go ahead blow it Blow it good luck getting into Muslim heaven now, bitch Merry Christmas, thank you all for tuning into the Christmas episode of B&E and what you already want

Starting point is 00:05:58 I am so happy to be sitting here next to my favorite little Grinch. I can only see out of the nostril sitting here next to my favorite little Grinch. I can only see out of the nostril. I can only see Ethan. And our esteemed guest, the wonderful, the very funny, the fantastic Kareem Rama. Hi. Krem. Krem Rama.

Starting point is 00:06:14 Krem Rama. And our little beautiful elf boy, Twink John. Look at you. God, I want to unwrap you. Oh God. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. John, I'm sorry, I, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Santa to bring his gifts out now or later? Yeah. Now. OK, I have in my sack of gifts. Oh, I want to open them like the Grinch. Well, I didn't have time.

Starting point is 00:06:53 Santa didn't have time to rap because nobody wants to work anymore. I know no elves in the workshop. The middle class is gone. So well, first of all, I got Kareem this for a Roche for Rocher chocolate tree for him to give to his wife because we're doing the podcast late at night. He is a family. So I said, I'll get your wife chocolates and flowers. The flower store is closed.

Starting point is 00:07:20 So I got for Roche and Jordan ate them like a fucking dog. You reached into there. Get off of Santa's cock. Merry Christmas to you and your wife. Thank you so much. How many are missing? Four. Four. Jordan. Jordan. I had two. Four are missing.

Starting point is 00:07:39 I had two because Jordan had two. Wow. Freaking elf boy over here. I know. If you had just waited your turn and been a patient Grinch, you would have gotten your whole entire thing that I got you. Wow. Give that to him. No, because this is a tree. Yeah. My wife loves trees.

Starting point is 00:07:57 I knew his wife loved trees. She doesn't like those. She called earlier and she said, I don't like trees. He said, give me four of those and put them in there. That's a great idea. You're a smart guy. Here, open it up. I never would have thought of that for real.

Starting point is 00:08:12 I never would have thought of that. I don't want to ruin this one. What? Yeah, that's true. They're too nice. That's too nice. That's Jordan's gift. John, I didn't know you were coming, so I'm regifting you saltwater taffy that someone gave

Starting point is 00:08:29 me in Baltimore. I hope you enjoy it. Merry Christmas. That's a great gift. There you are. This one is more for a lady. Wow. That's so nice of you. What a cop out. That's a really nice gesture. Yes. She loves these.

Starting point is 00:08:47 She loves Ferrero Rochers. And this is the whole collection we got there. That's the whole collection. That's the whole freaking collection. Yeah. Does anyone want to trade with me? I have saltwater taffy. I have a happy entry of stuff.

Starting point is 00:09:00 I like saltwater. You don't like saltwater taffy? I guess I don't even know what it is really. It's so rare. Try it, you'll love it. It's rare. It's really rare to find saltwater taffy. I guess I don't even know what it is. It's so rare. You'll love it. It's rare. It's really rare to find a lot of water taffy around here. Dolly's in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware. Shout out. Grew up going there my whole life. Yeah. But he's got to go all the way to Delaware to get taffies. You can't get those anywhere except for other parts of the country. And you won't even appreciate it. You little elf. What is it? It's taffy, dude.

Starting point is 00:09:25 Yeah, but there's salt water. That makes it better. Look at how good that is. They're beautiful. OK, I'm going to pick out a good one for John. Blue. Wait, I like red. Blue.

Starting point is 00:09:35 I like red. What? Everybody likes blue. Stop throwing the taffy and just eat it. Can I have a blue one? You're making weird proclamations. Yeah, you're right. Oh Proclamations. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:09:46 Oh, I hope I get peach. Ethan, do you want one little Santa? Ethan's my little helper. Did you notice that we put up, did you notice we put up stockings with our names? Yeah. What do you think? No, idiot, I made them tonight. Wrote Jordan on it? Yeah. What do you think? No, idiot.

Starting point is 00:10:05 I made them tonight. Jordan on it. Yeah. It's pretty good. Thanks. Santa's secret. Yeah. Yeah, Santa's secret clearly just glitter glue. Fuck you, John.

Starting point is 00:10:25 It is glitter and glue. What's in them? Anything in them? Are they empty socks? What? Oh, oh, oh, God, who is going to get whipped out? You don't think people are going to like people like the chewing? OK, more gifts. Jordan. Really?

Starting point is 00:10:50 You're a nightmare and you can't sleep at night, so here's magnesium pills. What'd you say? I said, I know that you didn't buy that for me, but that whore brought it. And it's a gift for me and the whore. OK, and also you're on your period a lot. You complain, so there's Advil for your belly.

Starting point is 00:11:19 I'm really taking. I know. Now, Ethan, I told you I got you a gift. God, I will appear it on the run. I ran instant out last night as a river that run with blood from here to Rehoboth Lake Beach. Oh, man. So Santa, didn't you already see it? That's the one thing. The one thing Santa wants for Christmas is to never imagine that again.

Starting point is 00:11:47 I squeezed it out. No, stop! Crimson. Ethan? Merry Christmas. That's cool. Wait, can I trade the taffy for that? No.

Starting point is 00:12:01 Oh, my ring! Oh, my ring instead of oh oh my phone is psychotic. Ring as it pours in the US. You like that. You're welcome and Jordan final gift from Santa. Why does Jordan's get so many gifts? Yeah, what is happy because she's so hard to please And I think if I give her things, she'll stop being a fucking nightmare. Oh, oh.

Starting point is 00:12:32 I'm pleased now. Favorite band. Oh, my sweat is in my eyeballs. Thank you. You're welcome. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, I didn't get you anything. Whoa.

Starting point is 00:12:45 Well, there's still time. It's not Christmas in real life. This is pod Christmas. Yeah, it's pod Christmas. From the last gift I gave you, you lost. Does this episode come out on real Christmas? Yeah. That's sick. Yeah. No, no. Let's all pretend. We have to pretend. That's what I'm saying. Yes, today is Christmas. That's the spirit of Christmas. I know. Just pretend. God, that's why you don't understand about the Christmas. That's the spirit of Christmas. I know. Pretend.

Starting point is 00:13:05 God, that's why you don't understand about the magic that I was talking about. I don't know about the magic. Yes, you don't have to actually see something to believe it. Thank you. I learned that in the movie Santa Claus. I don't need the Quran to teach me that. Exactly my point again.

Starting point is 00:13:16 I just, you keep proving the points to me that I'm trying to make. Ow, he is, Jesus. The monsters went into your nose and then he hit your leg. That was crazy! What happened to my ring? Ow! Yeah, bitch! Did you hear what she said?

Starting point is 00:13:32 That killed me. What? I don't need the Quran to believe in the spirit of Christmas! Goodness! This insane behavior! I need the Quran to teach me that you have to believe in the... I'm not even talking about the grinch with the Unabomber. The Ten Commandments are just a reasonable thing that a guy thought one day. So what? I don't understand your point.

Starting point is 00:13:54 So why is it so special that some guy said don't fuck my wife? What's so bad to have a code to live by? A code of honor. Because you don't need to live when you do it because it separates people. Just be a good person. Why doesn't everyone just say, okay, we're not gonna fuck someone's wife? Because of some imaginary force that doesn't exist? Sure. Because of afterlife?

Starting point is 00:14:12 Because otherwise you wouldn't know it's bad. No, just do it on the planet and take ownership over being a good person. Otherwise you wouldn't know it's bad. You know it's bad because it makes people cry and that makes your empathy, nervous system kick in. Back in the day, I don't think it was bad. Yes, if I fucked your wife and ruined your family you would be upset yeah but if we

Starting point is 00:14:28 were cavemen and we were all fucking each other they didn't have the Ten Commandments exactly that's you're proving my point again it wasn't cavemen teaching other people civilized people who weren't fucking each other's wife being like pilgrims yeah pilgrims you're happy that the pilgrims came and taught everyone how to live like freaking Europeans. Yeah, dude, you're talking to a fucking Native American right here. What is going on? Native Arabian. Holy shit, I thought I was talking to John this whole time.

Starting point is 00:14:57 I'm so hot. I'm already I'm taking my hat off. Do it. Do it. Santa has curly hair. That's cool. Yeah. Your face just through this little hole. Only your face. Me? Cram. Specifically. Yeah. Well, you did before this whole thing started. Call me handsome, which was cool. Yeah. You're very handsome. That's really nice of you. Well, I said you were more handsome than online.

Starting point is 00:15:20 You know, which is still a really nice compliment. You know how dogs you're like, oh, well in dog years, you're like 70, in Jordan compliments, that's a full one. That's a full compliment. That's good, I really appreciate it. But that was before you knew I was Muslim. Now you're disgusting. No, I'm all for it, I just don't believe it. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:15:40 When somebody who's reasonable is like a reasonable person and they're like, I pray five times a day and touch my head to the floor. So I get into heaven. I'm like, I don't believe that you really believe this, but I get hedging your bet. You gotta talk to my mom. Your mom fully. My mom's full. Yeah. But is she like a lucid person who's like on Instagram? Yeah. Sending me videos of cats. Yeah. And so, and she's just like fully,

Starting point is 00:16:02 this is what's amazing. But sometimes she sends me videos of cats praying. OK, that's pretty. So I don't know. She's you know, in that case, I trust. You know, we said, no, this is actually true. She said all cats are Muslim. No, really? Glenn. Yes. They do. That's why he's such a good guy. Oh, my God. You're right.

Starting point is 00:16:21 Those are also Muslims. That's why when I come home, we always face east. My mom told me all animals are Muslim. Well, I can't I can't. Here's the thing. Yeah, we don't know. So I just go, OK, that works for me. Well, that was actually the tagline of all dogs go to heaven.

Starting point is 00:16:36 All dogs go to heaven. They're Muslim. What's your what? What's the subway thing you go on? You say, what's your crazy take? I know. What's your take? And then the subway thing? You go on, you say, what's your crazy take? I don't know. What's your take? And then people tell you their crazy takes? They don't have to be hot or crazy. Ian said that the only way to get ahead in life is to show whole.

Starting point is 00:16:54 Which I think- That was your take? That was my take. Which is not so crazy or hot. It's just that the man was spitting facts. Yeah. New take. Life was better when we could smoke indoors. And? And? And?

Starting point is 00:17:11 All players wore tight pants. And my dad was alive. Wait, what's my crazy take? Let's hear it. Well, do you want to save it for the show or do you want to practice a little bit? I'm never going to do your little show. Wow. I don't ride the subway.

Starting point is 00:17:24 John will do it. I don't fucking ride the subway either. Just kidding. I know I do ride the subway. I love it. You would have fun. I have so many takes. Yeah. John's waiting for his chance audition right now.

Starting point is 00:17:32 What do you do? You ask people to do the show. I always thought you just walked up to them. I've never had a stranger on the show. I know, but I thought you were the stranger. You know what I mean? Well, I'm a stranger that's inviting all of my friends to come join me on the show.

Starting point is 00:17:43 And they go on the subway and then they we all it's really fun. You don't do the subway. You're just you're just pretending to be a plebeian. It's a set. Oh, it's a it's not a real subway. No, no. I mean, the subway to me is a set. Where were you when you realized you could put the microphone on the tiny metro guard standing outside the subway being like, I got to figure out how I'm going to make the show interesting.

Starting point is 00:18:09 One second before we got on the train, I had a plastic spoon and a straw. And I was like, I could clip the mic to one of these. That's cool. Like a spoon mic. Yeah. And then in the process of brainstorming, it was clipped to a Metro card. Very hip. And also the 100% agree, 100% disagree was unplanned. I just said it's what I say immediately

Starting point is 00:18:25 after you say or take. Oh, okay. I want one. I want to say, okay. So what's your take? What's your take? I'll introduce you. We'll pretend right now. Hold on.

Starting point is 00:18:33 You gotta pretend we're on the subway. Chunk, chunk, chunk, chunk, chunk. Hey, bitch, give me your money, miss lady. Hey, hey, girl, hey. Hey, would you like to buy some of these chocolates? Hey, would you like to buy some of these chocolates? Sorry you have a really small Mexican baby there, I'm going to say no to your face right now. Yo tengo un chocolate, oye oye.

Starting point is 00:18:56 Mangoes, they're hard as rock. Where's Cusco Square? Next stop, Cusco Square. Cusco Square is underground, since the end of the 42nd street. Where's Chris? Next stop is going to be underground. Forty seconds straight. It's not sad. I've got to know how it feels to be able to see. OK, so we are OK. Now we have the ambience of the subway.

Starting point is 00:19:19 So now everyone knows around the subway. So that I go like this. So what's your take? I I think in relationships, there's always one person in and one person who's a little out. 100 percent. Disagree. Disagree. Oh, sorry. And I think it takes two to tango, buddy. What do you mean? It takes two to tango. You know, you dance the tango, you can't tango alone. There's more in and somebody who's more out. Oh, I don't know.

Starting point is 00:19:43 I don't think that's true. I think that there's a lot of people who are in love equally. Not true false. Maybe you just never been into that. No, I've asked a million people and there's always somebody in and there's always somebody a little bit more. They need to find God. You are having trouble right now because your wife is a little more out than you. I have no trouble. You know what we call. We have no troubles at home. You know what we call her? AMC, because she's always projecting. Jordan. AMC theaters. Jordan, if you are bound by a love for God. Bound by blood.

Starting point is 00:20:13 For God. Shout out going off. If you are bound by love for a love of God. Your wife's Muslim? No. Oh wow, what do you know? I finally like your wife. Said the Grinch. I mean, you're practically wearing a hijab right now. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Starting point is 00:20:30 Yeah, and I can't see anything and I feel hot and bad. And finally you're fucking hot. No, no, but I support you as a woman. If you want to cover your face, go ahead. You can't just be picky, choosy, nice guy, okay? You're Muslim, you think all women should cover their heads. That's not true. Come on. I think all women should have their titties out.

Starting point is 00:20:49 OK, then you're not 100 percent agree. You don't think Muslim guys can like titties? I think they love titties. Sometimes I've heard a Muslim lady come up to my show and said that they're a little too sexual on the Muslim dating app. That's good. That's good. She said it was almost predatory, but I do. Well, everyone's a little predatory. Well, I don't know if you can pick and choose like that and be like, I'm a Muslim, but I think women should have their heads up.

Starting point is 00:21:14 I mean, I guess you could do it. You can believe it. I think that everything's up for interpretation. You're right. You can believe what you want to believe. I think the book is up for interpretation, which is the beauty of it. Wow. You know what I think? Wait, but how are you?

Starting point is 00:21:24 Mistletoe! Mistletoe, stop, I can't see anything, it's rape. I forgot. I put mistletoe on the video. That mask is the equivalent of a roofie. We're having the serious intellectual conversations on Jordan's pod. Right now we fart and poop.

Starting point is 00:21:38 Oh yeah, you're right, you're right. And kiss, kiss. Wait. Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. No, I don't have to get the mistletoe. No, no one's ever seen the Grinch and Santa kiss. No, we're not kissing. And they're definitely gay.

Starting point is 00:21:48 No, I'll put you right in the fucking dick. I'll get it, I'll get the video. I wanna see it. You almost hit me, you whore! Get off of me! Hold on, mistletoe. Mistletoe. Get away!

Starting point is 00:21:59 The Santa and the Grinch have never kissed on camera. They've kissed a million times on camera, a million people have been them for Halloween and kissed in front of them before. Mistletoe! Not with tongue. Mistletoe! Not with tongue.

Starting point is 00:22:11 Ow! Oh, fuck, it hit me in the head with the brass knuckle. Ow! I told you not to kiss me. God damn it, I wasn't. I will apologize. I was faking it for the show. Get away, bitch!

Starting point is 00:22:19 It's not consensual. Pfft, pfft, pfft. I can't see anything. Your Grinch eyes are freaking me the fuck out. Oh, God. sensual Your cringe eyes are freaking me the fuck out. Oh god. You look like if the Grinch was like standing behind me at an ATM You can go ahead man, no you go first. I is terrifying. So I still got to get my shit together. So what are you saying? You're saying I can't find my card. You're saying the two people in a

Starting point is 00:22:49 relationship. I don't agree with that. I don't agree with that. I think so. Have you ever seen like an 80 year old couple that spent their whole life together and then one of them dies and then two days later, the other one dies because they miss the other one

Starting point is 00:23:04 so much. That's love. And they have your grandparents? That's proof then. That's not proof. Why are you being a Grinch? Because I'm a Grinch in spirit and in costume. This is who she always is. Jordan, you think there are two people that love each other equally? Yes, your grandparents. They did not. My grandfather was a drunk and beat the shit out of her. When she died he had nobody to take care of her, so he freaking stroked out immediately. Okay, that's a different situation.

Starting point is 00:23:33 You don't think people can love equally damn, where did you grow up? Hell, sounds like it. That's not true. I think that there's always somebody who's a little bit more down to not be in it. But why? You keep saying the same thing over and over.

Starting point is 00:23:48 Because I've asked every couple and you always get to the bottom of it. Oh, you do research? Yeah. Freaking scientists. This is our research, ready? I'm on stage. Here's a question.

Starting point is 00:23:55 One person answers. I'll take that as forever truth. Let me say something. Oh, asking a poll of people and saying, you couple over a course of 200 shows and always finding that every couple of somebody a little bit more in than that. Then and. Huh?

Starting point is 00:24:12 Have you personally experienced it in my own life? Yeah, every time, every time, every time. I don't know. I don't think you really not. You might be delusional enough to be Muslim. You really don't think this is true. You think you know, you think you love your wife the same as she loves you. Well, I think that she loves me more. Perfect.

Starting point is 00:24:29 But that doesn't prove your point. Have you been in a relationship that was even? Yes. Even, you love each other equally. And your wife's gonna watch this and not kill herself by hearing that? I love my wife. No, he's giving her chocolate.

Starting point is 00:24:39 She's gonna be happy. I'm here for my wife. Right, but the relationship you're in now is not the Even Stevens one? No, because my wife loves me so much. But what happened to the other one? She died. No. Freak bungee jumping accident.

Starting point is 00:24:51 Please say she didn't die. She didn't die. We got a divorce. Yeah, because? Because she was mean. Yeah, so you didn't like her as much. You remind me of her. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:25:01 No. She was a little mean. Dude, I want to- She was a little grumpy. She was a little mean, dude. I was a little grumpy. She was a little she was a little bit like I don't don't tread on me. If you're in Hollywood out there, can we can you give us funding for a show called Grinch cross examiner?

Starting point is 00:25:18 It's a story about prosecuting attorney Grinch. That cross examines people. And it's just you like another thing. OK, well, I don't think we're going to have to agree to disagree on this one because you haven't convinced me. Well, all of your relationships have followed my things. Yeah, but I believe in people.

Starting point is 00:25:37 What's another take? That's a pretty good one. No, it's not. Yeah, no, he like proved you wrong immediately. He proved me right. He said all of his reasons. I said 100% disagree with just proving you wrong. And also- You want one that you agree with?

Starting point is 00:25:53 No, I'm just- Also- All people are good. That's 100% disagree. All gay people are awesome. 100% disagree. Fuck. Also, I'll say this.

Starting point is 00:26:02 In a relationship, I think there are, it's never 100% one way. There are good days, there are bad days. Some days you're fully in it, some days you're checked out. But I doesn't think as a sum whole that means always one person has one foot that's looking for an exit. That's a really good point. Thank you, Kareem. I think that that's a really good point that it ebbs and flows over the course of 80 years I appreciate that. That's not what I did not deny that. Well, it's almost like things aren't always black and white thinking. I said one person is in or out. That's all I'm saying. You know what? You guys turned on me the second I put this page back on. You guys? You guys? You turned on me as soon as I said Islamophobic stuff. I said you were right.

Starting point is 00:26:43 Yeah. Yeah, yeah. How come everyone hated me as soon as I said when you get on the carpet. John gets it, that's right. This is such a new world. We're just openly Islamophobic now. The Grinch is a freaking Islamophobic. I'm not Islamophobic, I'm just anti-religion. Oh, you didn't say that.

Starting point is 00:26:59 Anti-organized religion. If you were Jewish, she'd be saying the same thing, Catholic, gay, trans. People who are like, I'm Catholic. I'm like, fuck you, you lying, psychoshit. Gay trans. Oh, yeah. That's not real.

Starting point is 00:27:12 Come on. Now, let me get you. Jordan. Drinking chai. I want you to be happy. Never. I'm really, I think. Don't touch me.

Starting point is 00:27:19 What? There's something. Where the hell did that come from? You know, you're like a prickly bush. You're like a prickly bush. But on the inside, you have sweet nectar, like a cactus. And we just want to drink your nectar. Yeah, dude, just let us drink your nectar.

Starting point is 00:27:33 Drink your nectar, Jordan. Jordan, you're like a cactus. This is what I'm realizing. Jordan's like a cactus. First time I ever met her and I see you are judging. You don't. How do you know it's not prickly all the way down because no one does you don't shave your pussy I Did recently because I kept it kept encroaching until it became too small Smaller she's gonna take the whole thing off was it getting in the way of you putting on jeans No, like you're shaving and it gets too small so you gotta take it all down What do you mean? There was such a bush you couldn't pull your pants up.

Starting point is 00:28:05 No, like you're shaving and it gets too small so you gotta take it all down. What's too small? Like the bush that you leave. Oh. So then you gotta take it all off. Cause you don't want it too small of a bush? Yeah. You don't want a lot of bush.

Starting point is 00:28:17 You don't want a soul patch. You don't want to go tea. Okay. The Grinch saying this? Yeah. The Grinch, do you think the Grinch... Yeah, my shit's hairy. Do you think the Grinch has a dick? Dude, not you. The Grinch has a micropenis. That's why he's so mean.

Starting point is 00:28:32 So sad. He's misunderstood. Everyone who's mean is misunderstood, which is why I'm trying to get to the Jordans core. Mm-hmm. Trying to understand why she's so mean. What's going on? I'm not mean. Oh. Does she mean you know her better than I do? Well, I mean. I don't know if Ian's gotta ask. Yeah. What about John? She's mean to me.

Starting point is 00:28:51 She's mean to John. Okay. No, she's nice to me. What about that guy over there? Nice. Do you see how scared he looks? Give it to him. So you're only mean to me. And me. And me.

Starting point is 00:29:02 But why me? How did I get dragged into this? She's being nice to you. Are you kidding me to me. And me. But why me? How did I get dragged into this? She's being nice to you. Are you kidding me? Yeah. Holy shit. I said you were handsome. That's true.

Starting point is 00:29:13 I said your baby is cute little baby hair. It's time for a reset. Now compliment me. Stupid and dumb. Oh, don't hit her so hard. I'm not hitting her. I'm hitting the grinch. That was hard. No, that was too hard. Thanks. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:29:26 I'm about to domestic dispute. I'm back in. I'm going to be about to jump into this shit. You're back in. You're good. Right. I've always been in. Uh huh. I just you know what it is. It's just I don't. Listen, it's not we're listening. It's not that I'm against anything.

Starting point is 00:29:42 It's just that I don't. It's like I said, I just don't fully believe people when they say that they are that because I'm like I just you know It's every life is so beautiful and there's science and there's a beautiful the way the Irish Are we talking about relationships or religion? Have God be on earth and it's so amazing Believe you sure believe in wasting our time. Jesus Christ. Well, what do you want me to talk about the relationship? No, I got a question.

Starting point is 00:30:08 Oh, anything but that. Go ahead. What about aliens? What about aliens, Jordan? Who cares? We've never seen them. So who gives a flying fuck? They're all over New Jersey. They're drones. Those are not drones.

Starting point is 00:30:19 That's what the government wants you to believe. You think those are UFOs? Yes. Well, what makes us so special that we get to see them? They're just drones. I told my wife the other day, I was like, yo, this is so exciting. She was like, why? I was like, because I'm going to be the first guy to fuck an alien. And she got mad at me. I would get mad. And she said that that's cheating. It is cheating. It's not cheating if it's for the advancement of mankind.

Starting point is 00:30:38 Yes. He's going to be the first guy to fuck an alien. I can't believe how cool that is. Yeah. He's got to practice a couple times. On Wikipedia, Kareem Rahmani. Host of subway takes first guy to ever fuck an alien. That's a pretty good thing. And my wife wants to take that away from me. Ew, why are you wiping your face with a shirt?

Starting point is 00:30:57 There's Grinch hair. You're wiping your tongue with a shirt, Jordan. Yeah. Grinch hair, my dog. Wiping her tongue. Jesus. Her eyes. I'm trying to think of another take. I want to talk about

Starting point is 00:31:08 Reddits for Boys. 100% agree. Okay. That's an easy one. That's an easy one. Come on. You're better than that. Let's see. Politics are becoming WWE.

Starting point is 00:31:24 100% agree. That's a good take back in 2001. I'm sorry. I mean, what the hell is this? Whoa, politics are wrestling. Holy blow my mind, Batman. People have already said that a lot. Yes. Oh, anyway, go ahead. Oh, you just licked the mic.

Starting point is 00:31:39 Oh, stop licking it. Wait, why are you licking your mic? Stop licking the mic. Grinch, grinch, grinch. That's actually gross for you. Not even to look at,, why are you licking your mic? Stop licking the mic! There's hair on it. Grinch! Grinch! Grinch! That's actually gross for you. Not even to look at, just knowing that you licked what everyone talks into.

Starting point is 00:31:51 Why are you licking the mic? Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, stop, stop licking yourself like that. Are you a cat? Why are you licking your arm out? There's so much hair on my chest. You're a cat, this is why cats lick. Why don't you tell me what your big take is? You fucking idiot.

Starting point is 00:32:00 Fucking eyes! Oh my gosh. I've never seen someone wear a mask when the eyes are the same when they speak. I mean, there's so many takes. You can't take the mic. You can't take the mic. You can't take the mic. You same when they don't. You can have cakes that are just favorites. The Matrix is the best movie ever made. Oh, that's a good one. Oh, here's one. This is one that nobody likes.

Starting point is 00:32:08 I fucking, I don't, I'm not into museums. I don't like them. I don't like, I don't like paintings. Look, a hundred percent agree with you and I can get behind that. Oh my God, touch my hand. And that's a good take. I got so excited and then you tricked me. It wasn't me.

Starting point is 00:32:16 I was like, I'm not going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this.

Starting point is 00:32:24 I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going behind that. Oh my God, touch my hand. And that's a good take. I licked it. I got so excited and then you tricked me. It wasn't a trick. God, you keep tricking me. She's a mean one. Mrs. Green Cringe. You don't understand me. You think I'm being mean,

Starting point is 00:32:34 but I'm just saying what I'm thinking immediately. You're tricking. No, I'm not a trickster. You just got hand licked. No, it's fully. She's not smart enough to trick. Hi everybody. Get amazing wireless cell service for just 15 bucks a month with the purchase of

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Starting point is 00:33:33 speeds slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan, additional taxes and fees, restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details,. Bye bye little guy. Well, here's the thing. You're right though. Museums are fucking stupid and boring. And elitist. I would rather sit on my phone. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:33:53 In a park. When you walk around and then you have the OCD where you have to see everything and then you fucking read the mission statements and you're just like feeling I don't even bother. And they're too long. Half of half of the art is I could have done that. History I like if it's art that in, like if it's a history museum and there's art from the time period, totally fine with that.

Starting point is 00:34:08 I would go to a museum that's all little movie theaters where you watch little films about history. That's cool. I know, I just invented it on this podcast. The Little Movie History Museum. Hello, investors. There's a little. What's the hottest take you've ever heard?

Starting point is 00:34:24 I gotta take. Jack Harlow should be able to say the N word. Who? Jack Harlow. Who's your what's the hottest take you've ever heard? Jack Harlow should be able to say the N word. Who? Jack Harlow. He's a white rapper. I feel the same if you substitute everyone for the word Jack Harlow. If you substitute Jack Harlow for me. If you call me Jack Harlow I agree. Control F, replace EFI dancer. Well it was I, I disagreed. Who's Jack Harlow? He's this guy that is a white rapper with curly little hairs.

Starting point is 00:34:52 Wow, you guys are on the opposite side of the internet. What's the woman who turned herself black? Rachel Dolezal. I think she earned to be black. That's a good take. Really? Yeah. Yes. That's my answer?

Starting point is 00:35:03 Because... You agree. I like it. On one agree. On one hand, there was a world where if you identify as such, then you are such. So why can't she? Well, and she did the work. She transitioned. She did. And she also did an incredible amount of good for the NAACP and like made it her life's work. So I could see how she had such a reverence for the black community that she was like, I would love to belong to this. That's why I want to say the N word. I love black people. I love them. I love them.

Starting point is 00:35:37 Look, I'm going to say that you shouldn't do that. Me too. While the cameras are on. Not that I'm not that I'm a spokesperson for black people, but I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Oh no, you eat the saltwater. My hot take. I'm the blackest person in this room.

Starting point is 00:35:52 And I think that you shouldn't say no. Ethan grew up in Memphis. I was born literally on the continent of Africa. Oh, Ethan, you're out. You're in. I was born literally on the continent of Africa. Oh, Ethan, you're out. Kareem, you're in. Kareem's back to number one, ladies and gentlemen. Yes!

Starting point is 00:36:13 My hot take is a kid shouldn't ride first class. Ever. Ever. What's the age, what's the cutoff for a kid? What's a kid? 25. That's, I'm out. No, no, no. What's first class? Like in a plane business class. That's what they call it now. What? Yeah. No. Yeah. First class. No, no, no, no.

Starting point is 00:36:33 Delta says first. No, they don't. Look at my they call it first class. Yeah. I'm like flights. Pull it up right now on the freaking app. Here's the take. You're wrong. There's nothing. There's nothing called business. There's nothing called. No the take, you're wrong. Ethan. There's nothing called business. There's nothing called. No, no, you're flying business class. No. It says first.

Starting point is 00:36:51 It says first. You guys have been. We've been riding first class. No, you haven't. Up in the spot, I'm big, I'm big man. It says Delta One. It says Delta One in business class. Which one?

Starting point is 00:37:05 Suck my pee pee. And think about how confident you were. That's how confident you are about being Muslim. Yeah, it's sick. I think it's awesome. What's another hot take? Toxic Muslim. I have a take.

Starting point is 00:37:23 I have an idea for a national day. Wait, you have to. I have a take. I have an idea for a for a national day. Wait, you have to say it like a take. So what's your take? We should have a day called Construction Day. And what this is, everyone in the world has to do construction for one day.

Starting point is 00:37:39 And you can if you're weak, you can do like the weaker jobs of construction or you can do roads and stuff. And then we pair every everyone's group up with like by class or like rich people work with poor people. So then they're like, oh, you're poor. Let me hear about your life. And then they're like, oh, maybe I'll be

Starting point is 00:37:55 different. And you're just describing undercover boss. And if you don't and if you don't know everyone in the world has to go once a year. I liked it until you started explaining it. I just think, yeah, everyone builds stuff that day. And then if you don't go, you die. That's my last part. Oh, well, I'm out.

Starting point is 00:38:15 Yeah. I'm out. Well, just go to construction day and you won't die. No, I think more people need to die. Hot take, once you take, more people need to die. Yeah, if you're not willing for one day where everyone is doing it. And if you don't do construction day, you die. I think construction day is a good idea, but I thought we were all just building cool shit

Starting point is 00:38:27 like pyramids. You are probably doing that, but if you don't go you die. I think you should have a cyanide thing in the back of your tooth. Everybody should have one that doesn't accidentally go off. So that you can kill yourself whenever you feel like it? Well, in case something really scary happens and you have to do it. Like a shark attack? Like, huh?

Starting point is 00:38:43 Like a shark attack? Wait, huh? Like a shark attack. Wait. Yeah, exactly. Drowning. God scared during the movie. The substance you'd have killed yourself in that theater. It's a very good point. I think I take back what I said. I would be dead. I would be dead.

Starting point is 00:38:56 I think that all zoos should replace their real animals with robotic animals because no one can tell the difference. Totally agree. Yeah, I told this idea to Olivia, Olivia Wilde once. Really? At a dinner with all these important people. And everyone was like, oh, what's one idea that you would do to change the world? And I was the first one I stood up and I literally stood. Yeah, it was really it was a really interesting dinner.

Starting point is 00:39:19 I stood up and I said, we should replace all the animals in zoos with robots. And then everyone just went silent and looked at me. And then a guy was like, OK, oh, hey, it was really a man. We babies. Yeah. And then I was the children and I was stuck in the corner. I said, good idea. Good idea. Can someone pass the child's come?

Starting point is 00:39:41 Please. If you wait a minute. That's a great idea. I know. And they're doing it in China. They were thinking you were thinking, they were hearing animatronic. That is what it is, kind of. They were probably thinking of the Chuck E. Cheese animals. Oh no, no, I'm talking about like,

Starting point is 00:39:58 you know how pandas aren't actually real? What? Uh oh. Pandas are, there's not a real, oh, there's no real pandas. Have you seen a video of a panda? Yeah, it's a guy in a costume. You're so lying. No, I'm not. You're a liar. You know, there's never been. Oh, just like there's no first class.

Starting point is 00:40:15 It's business class. Confident, Raheem. Right. Right. Oh, here's another funny story. I shot an episode of subway takes with John C. Riley and on like at the end of the day, he's probably not going to like this story, but he goes, he goes, thanks so much. Great to meet you, Shereem or Shereen.

Starting point is 00:40:37 And then two days later, he sent me a text that says, hey, I've been I've been thinking about this for two days. I can't sleep. So I just have to apologize for calling you Shireen. And I go, dude, I haven't thought about it for even a millisecond. It's okay. You should have been like, hey, no problem, Joshua.

Starting point is 00:40:58 It's all good, Josh. Fun, fun, Fonzie Riley. I was really eating in. That was really nice of him to do that. What about baby pandas? What? No, baby pandas are just maybe human. There's no baby pandas in the zoo.

Starting point is 00:41:14 Did you see that zoo in China that they dressed up dogs like pandas? They spray painted dogs that looked like pandas. That's sick. I saw red pandas the other day at the zoo and it was the most dystopian zoo. What zoo did you go to? No. I saw red pandas the other day at the zoo and it was the most dystopian. What zoo did you go to? Brooklyn one and there was a kid, there was a kid watching her. Wait in Prospect Park? Prospect Park.

Starting point is 00:41:32 Oh, that's a nice little zoo. So cute. Watching TikTok the entire time and blasting it super loud. The pandas are here, red pandas and they're watching this and it's like, yeah, and here's how you do a makeup tutorial. And we were stuck with them until finally I turned to the kid and I went, I need you to shut that off. And she was like, what? And I was like, I want to hear the little noises

Starting point is 00:41:49 the red pandas make. And she was like, and didn't turn it off, just went behind a tree and watched like this. And the dad was there the whole time. I was like, dude. That's a bad dad. Bad dad, worst dad. Hot take, that dad and that kid should die.

Starting point is 00:42:02 I don't know if the death penalty. I think all children, I think children should have walkie talkies and not cell phones. That's cool. Oh, that's good. Take fun. I had an extel walkie talkie cause my sister was assaulted. But those were phones. Yeah. But that had the walkie capability, but you couldn't text her. But why did they get rid of that? Cause I would love to just do those chirp chirp bleeps in like 2002 were amazing. And you could drop that thing from the top

Starting point is 00:42:28 of construction day. Yeah. And it would be fine. I would be talking to the contractors on it. And so in the middle of class, you'd hear like, Mike, get your fat ass out of the porta potting back. And then people would go, oh, my. Wait, your mom would be in class with talking to construct.

Starting point is 00:42:41 Off my belt. Oh, why were you talking to construction workers? Because I was on the line because my mom was like, take one of these, don't die. You know? Wait, I don't remember. You could have listened to anyone. I'm so confused right now. Well, if they beeped to the full channel, then everybody heard it. I don't remember how these things work. I thought you beep a specific person. Yeah, you do. But you can also do the whole crew.

Starting point is 00:43:00 That's sick. Yeah. Or we'd be smoking weed and then we'd hear, where the fuck are you guys? Life was better back when we had fucking nextels. And baseball players wore tight pants and you could smoke indoors. Yeah and basketball players wore short shorts and children could sit in the front seat of cars and you rolled windows up and you could smoke in the cars and my dad was alive. 1993 before May 20th, life was better. Life was better for everyone. Is your dad dead?

Starting point is 00:43:31 Yes. Your dad's dead? Yeah, but you don't see me fucking. Mine too. Yeah. John? Mine's doing pretty good. John's dead.

Starting point is 00:43:40 We just talked to him. John's dead. We just talked to my dad. We just FaceTimed John's dad, he's incredible. John's dad. We just talked to my dad. FaceTime John's dad. He's incredible. John's like my dad was alive until he was murdered last week by Luigi Mungione. My dad was the CEO of UnitedHealthcare. You do look like you are related to one of those guys. Whoa.

Starting point is 00:43:59 He could get into that stuff. He also had big doll teeth. I think you could. And his were like kinda small. And big doll eyes, big, beady doll eyes. And a big hole in his head. Or kinda like a nice little doll. I don't know if it's cause it's how you're dressed right now

Starting point is 00:44:14 or if you always look like this. Yeah, I think it's because I'm dressed like a doll. Like a doll. And you're nice. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Glad to guess. Ho, ho, ho. Yeah, I think it's the small dress and hat I'm wearing.

Starting point is 00:44:29 I think it's a little hat and fuzzy boots. Yeah, but I'm also wearing the same thing, but I look like Rufio from The Lost Boys. This is a new beard, by the way. I'm doing it for Christmas. Did I see you? I didn't have a beard when you saw me. I felt like you had a beard last time I saw you. No, no, I'm always clean shaven. It's a good beard. I'm doing it for Christmas. Did I see you? I didn't have a beard when you saw me. I feel like you had a beard last summer.

Starting point is 00:44:46 No, no, I'm always clean shaven. It's a good beard. I'm doing this for fun. I told you I'm growing a beard this year. I like you. I didn't think I was gonna like you before you came. I called you a Malcolm X MPR guy. Me?

Starting point is 00:44:58 Yeah, not Malcolm X. Malcolm Gladwell. What the fuck? I was like, isn't he a woke Malcolm a woke Malcolm Gladwell, MPR guy? That is so you are judging books by their covers left and right. She doesn't even know how to read and she's judging the book. That's why I can't even read the book. Jordan, what that what could make you just because I'm a good guy.

Starting point is 00:45:19 Does it make me woke part of the woke mind virus? Yeah. So be a good guy. I know that now. Goodness. I know that now. Goodness. I learned things. I thought my perception of me was that I was like a cool guy, that people were like, that guy's cool. Not a woke, like, buzzkill, MPR Malcolm Gladwell. Yeah, maybe it's like a...

Starting point is 00:45:37 On the verge of tears. It's just the rudest thing I've ever heard. I know. But you gotta consider the source. This is like going to a trailer in West Virginia to learn how to do math. Yeah. Who's the source? You told her all this? Yeah, he told me.

Starting point is 00:45:49 No. What? You're the source. You're really her source. Yeah, he said that. He said, what's he like? And you said he's a woke mind virus idiot. I think it's because you sit like this on the train. Like how girls sit.

Starting point is 00:45:59 Yeah. Yeah, because I don't want to man spread because I've been. Because he's got these fat old balls. By the way. I mean, that is a cool look, but I never said that. Wait, lean back. She's right, though. This is a cooler sitting position, but it kind of is like not for me right now. At this very moment, I can't see.

Starting point is 00:46:16 Yeah, but it's actually one of the lamer positions in my opinion. I think that this is a bad position for podcasting this. This position is a bad position for podcasting now This position is a bad position for podcasting. No, because you're ready to explode. If you did that on the train, I wouldn't have thought you were Malcolm Gladwell. OK, that's interesting. That's I'm going to take the feedback for our episode. I'll do this. OK, great.

Starting point is 00:46:36 When you come on. Yeah. Mm hmm. Sit back because I can't see our baby doll. Our nice, milky, translucent, soft skinned boy. Yes. See what happens when you when you stop judging, you just allow. I allow, but I have to judge first. That's how people work. So is that why it took so long for me to come on this podcast? Because you kept saying no.

Starting point is 00:46:56 No, no, no. Just today, I said, oh, he's like the Malcolm Gladwell. Ash MPR. Yeah, it's so fucking crazy. Well, I guess if you didn't do any research and you just saw me a couple of times. Yeah, with your legs crossed like a sissy. Yeah, because I'm making room for my big ass balls to chill. Oh, no, we're good. Let's fucking go.

Starting point is 00:47:15 We've got them big Arabic balls. Let's fucking go, dude. Now, what was your opinion on her when you when you. Don't say something nice just because. No, at first she was nice. And then after I said she can't have my Diet Coke, it kind of got really bad. And she turned into a real B-word.

Starting point is 00:47:34 Where is it? Cunt. No. No. No. No. And then she was playing games with me because then all of a sudden she's like, oh, you're so handsome

Starting point is 00:47:45 I would love to sleep with you and I was like you did say that no no and I go Jordan I'm married and I Jordan said but it's not cheating if I'm the Grinch What if I'm an alien? And then you cut out the mask of the thing to make your mouth show of the thing to make your mouth show. To make a cringe quarry hole. To seduce me. And then I was a little bit, and then you offended me. So there's been a lot of ups and downs for me today.

Starting point is 00:48:12 And now I empathize with you. Really? Thanks. Through me for dealing with this? No, I think that you like it because you're a masochist. And you want her to beat you with a whip. And I'm sure it would be surprise if you hadn't already both done that. Tased with a taser.

Starting point is 00:48:29 I don't like getting, I'm not a masochist. Yes, you are. I'm actually quite submissive in bed. Oh, but he's submissive in bed too. So I guess this better work. No, I'm dominant in bed. He's dumb. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:48:39 It's a little dusting protest too much on both sides. But you roll reverse in real life. That's why it's working. In bed, I become a little 1950s housewife and he becomes, do you like that? What is it that you were saying? I didn't say, do you like just like that? Just just like that. OK, you get paid.

Starting point is 00:48:54 He had a threesome twice like Sex in the City and just like that. And just like that, Miranda realized now she loved a pussy. No, these girls were a slobbering now like corn on the cob. Girls, girls. And I was saying, yeah, just like that. And my buddy was I was sharing a condo with him. He was there to condom.

Starting point is 00:49:15 He was condo and he was face timing our other friend. And they heard me go just like that. So that became the running joke that she now keeps repeating. How much did you pay the girls? Nine dollars. That's cheap. Was it in Miami? Nine bucks split in two. So it was in

Starting point is 00:49:32 Miami or Columbia. Denver. The worst city in America. No. Yeah. What? Denver's amazing. Is that your take? Fuck. Yeah, I love Chicago.

Starting point is 00:49:44 Oh, OK. Not. Whoa. Yeah, dude, it's whack. Is that your take? Fuck, yeah, I love Chicago. Oh, okay, okay. Not. What? Whoa! Yeah, dude, it's whack. Tell me why. I like this take. Mostly because I like when I say it to people

Starting point is 00:49:53 and then they do that and they're like, no, Chicago's so cool. People love it. I know, I'm like, no, it's not that tight. Oh, I was saying that about Denver. Denver's cool. Denver's not cool. No, it's not.

Starting point is 00:50:01 Denver's the worst. What are you talking about? Best comedy club in the country, hands down. Comedy works. Worst city? Why is Denver the worst? Best comedy club in the country hands down. Worse city. Why is it the worst city? I enjoyed my time with that. It's a crime in America. Denver's ruined America.

Starting point is 00:50:10 Yeah. How? They exported their facade. All the, everywhere. Lead culture. Yeah, the buildings in Williamsburg now look like they're in Denver. No, they don't.

Starting point is 00:50:20 Yes, they do. They're blue and they have like yellow windows. The whole place, everything looks like Denver now. Is that from Denver? Yes, they exported the worst parts blue and they have like yellow windows. The whole place. Everything looks like Denver. Is that from Denver? Yes, they exported the worst parts of America. Really? Yes. I don't agree. Yeah, weed sucks.

Starting point is 00:50:31 Stupid bumfuck weed. Tiny little weird town that's full of like homeless people that are like people that are wearing Patagonia, North Face to go grocery shopping. Patagonia is a nice thing. Yeah, when you're going on a hike, not when you're going to whole foods. L.L. Bean is good. Patagonia is alright. L.L. Bean is much better. I agree. I like a nice thing. Yeah, when you're going on a hike, not when you're going to Whole Foods. L.L. Bean is good, Patagonia's alright. L.L. Bean's much better, I agree. L.L. Bean is nice, I like a duck boot.

Starting point is 00:50:48 I like, yes, well that makes, that's functional. I'm gonna go crazy right now, Land's End, top dog. I buy my turtlenecks from Land's End. Right? Because I'm a fucking man. They're the best. These forgotten brands, these American hair- You wear turtlenecks?

Starting point is 00:51:02 I wear turtlenecks sometimes. Of course he does, he's Malcolm Gladwell. What are you afraid of, vampires? What are you talking about, turtlenecks? I wear turtlenecks. Of course he does. He's Malcolm Gladwell. What are you afraid of? Vampires? What are you talking about? Turtlenecks. Malcolm Gladwell is so crazy. No one's ever been compared to that. No, no, no. She just saw kind of a little bit of your hair as they compared you to Malcolm Gladwell. I saw his hair and I went, black.

Starting point is 00:51:21 I mean, Malcolm Gladwell. You kind of look like Tony Hawk. Me? Yeah. That's of look like Tony Hawk. Me? Yeah. That's so nice. I know, it's a compliment. Like in vibe or in facial structure? Both. Like when he falls off his board.

Starting point is 00:51:33 No, Tony Hawk's attractive. I'm saying you look like a girl, Tony Hawk, it's cool. Thanks. Yeah, it's sick. That's really nice. I know, it's sick. Put your dick in my mouth now. Oh my God. My wife is gonna think that's sick. That's really nice. I know, it's sick. Put your dick in my mouth now. Oh my God.

Starting point is 00:51:46 My wife is gonna think that's cheating. She's not gonna let me fuck an alien. You think she's gonna let me fuck the Grinch? Hot cake, Grinch is an alien. That's a good take, he's green. Whoa. He is green. Yeah, but he lives in Whoville.

Starting point is 00:52:00 Which is on another fucking planet. Ian, have you not been reading? I can't read. Where do you think Whoville is? Denver? I love Denver. Denver. I love Who's.

Starting point is 00:52:13 Who's. Whoville's way up like by Pluto. And Santa also doesn't live on Earth. Oh, Santa's an alien. I've heard that one. Santa lives on the North Pole. Which is not on the map. It's the top of the globe idiot. That's Antarctica. Yeah. Flat Earth are really shocking to me and he was like he was like no airplanes fly fly over the North Pole that's because it's not there it's

Starting point is 00:52:38 just a flat earth. 100% agree. And then I looked it up they don't fly over it. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Because it's too cold. No, because the earth is flat. And he had so many things and I couldn't refute any of them. That's a good point. It's a really good point. Yeah. Look, you want to know how the earth is flat? What?

Starting point is 00:52:58 Do you see it rolling? Do you see it slide? Do you see all of it when we're walking uphill? That, Dan, that's, no, that's fucked. The earth is flat, for sure. Yeah. You don't actually agree. You think I'm doing a bit.

Starting point is 00:53:16 Yeah. I'm not doing a bit. You're doing a bit. No, I'm not. Yeah, you are. What proof, oh, going back to our main point. You believe that the earth is curved, but you've never seen the curvature of the Earth yet you believe it.

Starting point is 00:53:29 I have seen it when you're watching a sailboat go down the ocean and then it disappears. That's disappearing over the curve of the. That's disappearing. No, it's just hearing off the edge. Those people never make it back. Jordan, if I swam over there, it would be there. Let's talk about something you might know about the period. The great pyramids of Egypt.

Starting point is 00:53:45 We built those those slaves. Those are some big slaves. No, they're efficient slaves that use huge. You've never been. I've been those bricks are as large as this wall. They've unearthed the systems that did it, and they're extremely efficient and incredible. And if that's news to me, Jordan, have you ever hired a Mexican laborer? No, so fast.

Starting point is 00:54:04 I do all my own work. Listen, you hire three of those guys. They move. Build your pyramid. So you're saying the Mexicans build the pyramids of Egypt? Yeah. Saying people with a good work ethic can get things done. If you give them a tasty Gatorade at the end of the workday. The gypsies were white. Well, no, they're being claimed as black now.

Starting point is 00:54:21 Yeah, we were white. And now Beyonce made a movie about how ancient Egyptians are black. Yeah, well, she's got her day coming. And most Egyptians are a little bit like, we're stuck in the culture war now. Yeah, I know. It's the first time ever that people have wanted Arabs on this side. I say have it. Who cares if we're Egyptians or not?

Starting point is 00:54:37 I don't know no Egyptians. Egyptians? No, you are. Are you Egyptian? Yes. Hell yeah. So funny. That's great. Have it. Be Egyptian. Yeah, that makes sense, you are. Are you Egyptian? Yes. Hell yeah. So funny. That's great. Have it.

Starting point is 00:54:47 The Egyptian. Yeah, that makes sense. The Egyptian. It's yours, man. Take it. Well, on the census. Yes, Ian, I know I'm Egyptian. You know, on the census, I was white for until like two years ago. Really? They gave me a new box. No way. Yeah, they gave us a box.

Starting point is 00:55:07 Why? I need a new box. Which box do you want? And used in a beauty box. What box you want? The belt's too tight. No, that is what my dad sounded like before he died. You can't smoke cigarettes anymore. I'm your father accept it. Take these all of them. I can't see anything. No, your cat's gonna eat it and die.

Starting point is 00:55:38 Oh, you're right. Pick every last one up. God, no. One little, two little, three little, Indian little three little Indian four little five little six. Indian. Were you pointing at me? Yeah. Anyone want some Advil? He poured it just so we could grab your crotch. Oh God Jordan the ones in your crotch have melted. They just immediately absorbed. It's numb. Thanks Ian. There's some on the ground. Can I put my foot up here? Yes of course. Like a real man? Please. Oh that feels good. There it is. How do you feel about having a kid? Are you scared? Uh no. Is it the thing that alters your life

Starting point is 00:56:21 permanently for the better? I think only if you're a piece of shit. I bet you're such a good dad. You know what I mean? Yeah. If you're like, oh, I had a kid and now I'm a changed man. Yeah. Then you were probably a piece of shit before you had a baby. Were you? No. You were ready for it? I'm like a Malcolm Gladwell type. Just take off the glove.

Starting point is 00:56:40 Oh, that's a good call. Whoa. I think it's the hand. You got to stop licking stuff. I'm going to lose my mind. You're like licking everything. Okay. I need one last lick to get it all clean.

Starting point is 00:56:53 Lick your hand. No, my hand isn't rough. Scratch it. Don't lick anything. No, stop, man. I gave you that shirt and I didn't want you to lick it. I didn't want you to lick that shirt when I gave it to you Now you know what it feels like to be a damn cat

Starting point is 00:57:14 That's why I have a hair hairless Because I don't want them to do the work of having to lick themselves clean all day. They still look themselves, right? Oh, yeah Yeah, you're right. And they make that gross cat noise. It's like the first time a cat licked me, I was really surprised that I had a rough tongue. Yeah. Didn't know. You know why that is, right? I didn't know that. It's to separate the dander.

Starting point is 00:57:37 Shut the fuck up. When they fucking Wikipedia. Oh, my God. Will you give him your glasses? Because then look how Malcolm, look how Malcolm, look how Malcolm. Look how Malcolm. Tell me. I bet they're so wet. Tell me this man, I'm about to write a book.

Starting point is 00:57:52 Oh my God. Oh, you pretentious motherfucker speaking with a- Wow, tell us more about 10,000 hours. So if you jack off for 10,000 hours. I got, I'm already there, brother. You could actually self impregnate. Oh, look who's expecting. You can. That's exactly why you have a fupa.

Starting point is 00:58:10 Why does you have a fupa? It's really scary. Santa doesn't have a fupa. It looks like when people have elephantitis balls. Santa has a belly, not a fupa. Oh, shit. Elephantitis balls. It's very important that he have a belly, not a fupa.

Starting point is 00:58:22 Why are you wearing? Oh, these are. Oh, I thought these were your real glasses. And then I was like, oh, why are you wearing fake glasses? Wait, do these look tight? That's so disturbing how it looks. I didn't know that I had it. It's really realistic.

Starting point is 00:58:36 Why didn't anyone tell me? It's a massive fupa. And you're giving Santa a bad rap. Yeah, it's not a fun belly. It's a sad Walmart belly. It's a Pontiac belly. No, you're supposed to put the belly, you put not a fun belly. It's a sad Walmart belly. It's a Pontiac belly. No, it's really, really... You put the belly on top... Oh, and now it's like balls.

Starting point is 00:58:52 Dude, if I'm ever here and you ever see me put my head on that pillow, shoot me. Ian, you have to put the belt under the pillow so that the belly sits up like a jolly guy, not like creepy fucking... Not a creepy child molester. Yeah. All right. All right. Fix him. Are you really fixing me? Jordan's a good friend.

Starting point is 00:59:12 She is. Oh, Jordan's like a cat. Just that's what I realized. Jordan's like a cat and Ian's like a dog. Yeah. Is that right? Well, he's just retarded. I know, but I love dogs and he loves cats.

Starting point is 00:59:23 I hate cats. I don't hate cats. What the fuck was that? Shut up. Huh? Opposites attract. All right, let's fight. Ah. Oh.

Starting point is 00:59:31 Did you just break my belt? No. You look, see that is the vibe. Yeah. Oh ho ho. Doesn't it feel better? I feel better. Ho ho ho, children.

Starting point is 00:59:42 Thank you for fixing me, Grinch. Oh, there is. What'd you say? I've been broken in my ass. Oh, ho, ho. You've shat more at Phil Grinch. Six more weeks until winter. I don't know who Santa is or what he does.

Starting point is 01:00:05 But I'm having so much fun. Farmer's almanac. All right. I want to hear more subway takes that are good. I want your takes. I don't have any. John, you must have more takes. You're nine years old. What takes can you have?

Starting point is 01:00:19 I wish it every day where everyone gets popsicles. Call popsicle day. Yeah. And everybody, every time you have a dream, you get a lollipop. Sit on his lap and do it. Yeah, come on. You don't have to do it, John. Yeah, I'm so sorry. The measure will be really funny, but I really don't want to. I'm so happy you said it, Karim.

Starting point is 01:00:44 I had to say. You're not allowed to do that. What was that? An Indian? But I really don't want to You're not allowed to do that what was that an Indian were you being like Punjabi Santa yeah We why isn't allowed to just everyone can celebrate Christmas. Why wasn't he allowed to do that? What a beautiful girl Why was no sit in the middle? What did he do? You're in black. What did he not? Don't sit in the middle. What did he do? Ow. Cause you're in black. What did he do? No, no, no. He said Punjabi stuff. No, I didn't.

Starting point is 01:01:08 I'm excited. Oh, you mean what made him, what precipitated it? No, I just, was he doing Punjabi Indian from the beginning? Or was he, does he think he was doing a different? No, why did he jump into it? No idea. I don't know why. Did you think you were doing a different accent?

Starting point is 01:01:21 How do you feel, John? Feel pretty good. What would you like for Christmas, little boy? Tell me, Sadie. If you guys were, if you guys had billions of dollars, would you rather have a chef, a masseuse? Look, here's the thing. We got to do a bit with me on Ian's lap.

Starting point is 01:01:34 Sorry, sorry, sorry. Because I don't want to be on here. No, no, no. Ask him what's here. You don't leave. Ask him his take. Ask him his take. Now, son, what's your, what take would you like to get from Santa Claus?

Starting point is 01:01:47 I think that Christmas is a miracle. No I greatest time of year. You sound like a tell so much. Is it tell Santa? Wow. He is Santa, he brings candy to everybody. And he has little guys. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:02:04 Yes, he has little guys. Yeah, yes, he has his elves. He has what's the what's the other guy's name who opens for him? You know, the other guy who opens for a tell. Louie. Yeah. You and he were little. You're his little elves. His mom is Mrs. Claus. Dude, I never knew a tell was Santa. If you rearrange David Tell, it spells out Santa Claus.

Starting point is 01:02:26 No, it doesn't. What do you mean? I don't care. Keep talking because it keeps him on my lap longer. That's my take. David secretly Santa Claus 100 percent. He comes out at what? At night. He does come out at night. He's true. Oh, my God. You know who else comes out? He looks tired. The freaks come out at night. He's busy. He's so busy working in the workshop. Working with this little guy.

Starting point is 01:02:54 Uh-huh. So Ian's an elf. He won't let Ian be an elf yet, but Ian has to. He'll get there. He just has to put in more hours. I got to put in more hours. You got to put in your 10,000 hours. You got to put in your 10,000 hours. Thank you, Malcolm.

Starting point is 01:03:06 Now, I can hear you making noises with your mouth. What are you doing? I just have big teeth. I can hear you making noises. What do you want for it? What's your take, little boy? I think. Yes. I don't know.

Starting point is 01:03:22 I don't really have any good takes. Believe in yourself. Believe. OK. I don't know. I'm kind of, I don't really have any good takes. Believe in yourself. Believe. Okay. I believe. Good. I think that takes are... Yes. Are... I feel my, like the bone in my butt, like digging into his leg and he's trying to move it and then I just move it whichever way He was getting oddly sexual little boy Give us your take before Santa makes a mistake Take yes is that I believe I think Christmas. Oh is best celebrated every day Little boy and I think Christmas is stupid. No! Get that elf ass back here boy! Get back here with that elf honey. Come on now. It comes so naturally.

Starting point is 01:04:17 You should put that clip on Pornhub. Yeah. I've watched cartoon porn where I think Santa fucks something. Why do you do cartoon? I found I'm Alan. Real Santa. Just Tim Allen, the Santa. I found like some Aladdin porn or something. Yeah, that's where Gaston fucks like the remember he's from Beauty and the Beast. Your cross dimensional cartoon born. He's a they can do that in the porn world. I think I think from Beauty and the Beast. Yeah, your cross dimensional cartoon born.

Starting point is 01:04:45 He's a hunk. They can do that in the porn world. I think I think Guston is the hunkiest one. Anything for you. What was the guy's name? The little guy. The like Gaston was a big guy. Yeah. And then he had the little guy. What was his name or something? No, anything for you, Gaston.

Starting point is 01:05:00 Oh, you're the strongest. That was you. Oh, I bet you can go balls deep, Gaston. You can do it. Try on me first. I think what was his name? It's crazy that you can do his voice so well. Yeah. Try it on me first, Gaston. It's not really his voice. Just saying the truth. No, no.

Starting point is 01:05:18 Gaston, you know, we're from a poor community. We can't waste cum. Let me have some. Comes a renewable resource. Yeah. We can't waste cum. Let me have some good stuff. Comes a renewable resource. Yeah, it's unlimited technically. Yeah. And I call my ass a car and it runs on cum. Yeah. Put on yourself. I mean, I've eaten it and I had an

Starting point is 01:05:35 eating disorder and I googled the calorie content of cum because I was sucking a lot of cock. Look at me. Look at me. Earth is flat and I am sick. I'm looking. I did. I remember Googling it and being like, I wonder if that's bad.

Starting point is 01:05:51 I wonder if that's knocking off my macros. Because you wanted to be skinny. Yeah. Wow. So you sustained on only a diet of cum. No, no, no. I just was adding cum to the diet and wanted to make sure it didn't knock me off. She wanted to subtract the calories because she was like, is this the equivalent of eating three Starbursts?

Starting point is 01:06:06 Right. Yeah. Oh, God, that's it's hard. No, it's hard being a cum guzzler. It's really tough. It's really tough. You got to put it in your my fitness pound. Is it in there? It might be in there. There's no barcode for cum. You got to enter it on your own. 30 calories.

Starting point is 01:06:26 I bet it's at least 30 or 40 calories per load. Is it? A tablespoon is like a strip steak. What? Yeah. What? A tablespoon of cum is like a strip steak. Yeah. No, it's 12 calories. I don't know you at all, but you're making shit up. Pandas are people and the Earth is not square. Yeah. Really, Mr. Panda person. What are you talking?

Starting point is 01:06:46 Look it up to look at look it up. How much is come? worse class How much is a gram of come worth I need to know right now Mike swap a Teaspoon of semen contains between five and 25 calories. So there isn't much research to support this number. I'm not putting on my sticks. It was just one guy. He's like, that's like 20. Look at my gut. But it's a good source of protein. Who said that? You said that?

Starting point is 01:07:19 Yeah, that's good. Like the calorie to protein ratio is probably. We need to start eating maggots. I'd like to see that snickers commercial. You're not yourself when you're hungry. You have some come. That's how you are in life. What maggots are the come of nature. Yeah, if we would never have to eat anything if we ate maggots.

Starting point is 01:07:41 Why would we want to do that? Are you advocating? What do you make into something? We don't have to kill animals. You're telling me. Why would we want to do that to ourselves? You grind it up, you make it into something, we don't have to kill animals anymore. So you're telling me if all of a sudden you had access to maggots you would stop eating? If they made it tasty. Get your fucking New World Order ass out of here bitch. What are you talking about? Eat bugs? Don't you want to enjoy a steak frite? I do, I do.

Starting point is 01:08:01 Why are you going to dinner with Elon Musk and Bill Gates you fucking futurist? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't like it. I talked to my assistant a lot. She's become best friends with her. AI assistant. What's his or her name? Bishop. You got to change it. Hot take. It's evil. We need to get rid of it.

Starting point is 01:08:18 Agree. 100 percent. Thank you. What? I'm melting. So useful when I'm like, well, when I'm walking around like, hey, Siri, how much calories are in cum? Yeah, I know the answer. I don't even have to take out my phone because my little assistance laziness will be the death of us. Laziness and laziness. The other one is outsourcing. You know what I said to do it the other night?

Starting point is 01:08:38 I was like, I had only 20 minutes and I had to like wake myself up. And I was like, can you walk me through a Wim Hof session? And he was like, absolutely. Wait, what? Where is he in her phone? What kind of phone do you have? It's just chat. You just pay $20 a month for it. For who? For Bishop. Yeah. But who is he? Is he part of chat? GPT for it? Does everyone have Bishop or did you give him that name? That's cool. That's actually really cool. Yeah. Yeah. I might have to do this. No, it's bad. I'm sick of Siri. It's bad for the future. Siri's a dumb idiot.

Starting point is 01:09:07 In a week, you're going to want to eat bugs too. It's not OK. That's true. Cigarettes are bad for your future. Fuck you. Cigarettes are what I run on. No, they're bad. I'm like a, I'm like a, I'm like a old.

Starting point is 01:09:19 What? Trim car. Cigarettes are stupid and ugly. They make you smell like shit. You're stupid and ugly and you. They make you smell like shit. You're stupid and ugly and you make those around you smell like shit. That's not true. Not take. That's not true.

Starting point is 01:09:32 Cigarettes are cool. No, they're not. And I don't care if they're not. I still like them. This is just like, I'm really, this whole episode has been like debate club. Like everyone's just finding like opposite takes. What do you guys usually talk about? I like this. I love your show. If this is your show, I love it. This is my show.

Starting point is 01:09:45 Were you arguing? This is my show now. We just basically brought Kareem here to do his show. I like that. This is my new show. I love debating forever. Debate club. Well, I thought this show was only farts and noises.

Starting point is 01:10:01 No, but if he's here, it looks better. Wait, so the live version of the show is this. We take a take from the ceiling, which is a previous take on the show. Yeah. And we argue in front of a live audience. What's the ceiling? Like it comes down on a projector, like one of the takes from the show that's been on the show.

Starting point is 01:10:17 And then we all rip into that take. And that's our show? That's the live show of that's what our show. That's what you bailed on. That's be that's be a couple of weeks ago. You bail. Yeah, I was out of town. Yeah, you were getting your shoulder fixed or something. Yeah, down in Florida.

Starting point is 01:10:29 Why haven't you asked me to do it? I didn't know you before this. I thought you were just some Tony Hawk one of you. Let's go. You'd be too busy for this. You can't see me. You can't see me under this mask, but I'm very upset. The live show is a take and everyone argues it?

Starting point is 01:10:47 It's like it's one take and then we sit around and we argue it and then I take takes from the audience and we just, last time I did it, which was the first time and it was honestly was like, this is great. Let's do it again. Did it sell well? Yeah, it was sold out. Where? Joe's Pub. Okay. Classy little joint. There's, that's great. A classy little joint. There's a band on stage. It's very fun. But have us on and we'll we'll do it.

Starting point is 01:11:09 But I had I got a take from I got a take from the audience. And one of the guys goes and he's like, he's like so eager to share his take. He's like, I'm ready. And he goes, I think that we should take all of the refugees and from every country and just put them on their own island. And I just go, dude, you're the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard. And then everyone's like, no, you don't understand. You don't understand. He said it in front of everyone. That's it. You said no fun thought it was genius like I black eye What kind of guy Indian Indian and then Sam?

Starting point is 01:11:48 Dude, yeah, that's been you distracted. You're so much better like this I really get the anger in this yeah, I feel more angry Cuz I feel like no one knows who I am and I can say whatever. It feels like Reddit. You feel like a new person. I know, now you have to face my eyes and my flaws. I want to start the whole thing over again. No, no.

Starting point is 01:12:16 No, we got to start over. I want to do a new episode. Welcome back to another episode of Ian's like, friends will stay in my house longer than friends will be here all night. Now I'm just naturally sitting like this. Oh my God, incredible job. This is crazy.

Starting point is 01:12:30 Oh my God. Glad I wasn't around. This is fucking creepy, dude. Holy shit, I never looked at you when you were like that. I was looking at this the whole time. You look at that. I know, I've been looking at it the whole, for fucking two hours.

Starting point is 01:12:43 I have a child at home. Oh my God, this is crazy. This is crazy. You guys took me away from my child so I could look at it the whole for fucking two hours. I have a child at home. This is crazy. You guys took me away from my child so I could look at this the whole time. That's so alarming. Oh my God. No, no, we're not even joking.

Starting point is 01:12:53 Look. No, I know. I've been looking and all I heard was Islam's bad. I ate your chocolates. We should eat maggots. No wonder I'm fucking terrified of you. Now I like you so much more. You're like a normal one.

Starting point is 01:13:08 John, John, John, say a word John. John, please talk. John, no, stop, stop, stop, stop. John, make it go away. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààà because of this. I really get it. Wait, what's wrong with this? John, I don't get it. How come you can't look at me like this and talk to me like I'm a guy? It's kind of fucked up. Oh my God.

Starting point is 01:13:35 That is so scary. Look at this. Why is this? No joke. I'm the only one. I'm the only one that had to do this. Is this what it feels like to be a burn victim? Oh, God.

Starting point is 01:13:53 The whole vibe, the whole time. Oh, my chest hurts. Also, when you try and look out of the eyes, you kind of do this thing. But you like, do like a little weird, yeah. It's really weird. It's really weird. It's really weird. Oh, I feel like you're... And he's not even saying anything.

Starting point is 01:14:14 Yeah, it's scarier when you're talking about all this. The silence is deafening. You are a good guy. I said it multiple times, I said, can we take the mask off? Yes! I'm like, I don't know who that- He definitely asked for the mask off. I didn't hear that.

Starting point is 01:14:29 I didn't hear it. I didn't hear it. I didn't hear it at all. I replay it in the edit. That is so funny. Make sure you replay it in the edit that it says I've said multiple times, I said, can you take the mask off?

Starting point is 01:14:40 I don't know what I'm doing. Stop looking at me. I don't like it when it's this close. Wearing this is like a cleft lip simulator. I just had, I don't want what I'm doing. Stop looking at me. I don't like it when it's this close. Wearing this is like a cleft lip simulator. I just had, I don't want to ever punch anyone. I just had the urge to punch. I just had the urge to punch you. And you've got these little slippers on.

Starting point is 01:14:54 Stop looking at me. No one saw your feet. You didn't have to wear them. It's so funny. It looks so cool though. Oh, fuck. Bring these back. Oh my God. Anyways, can we ignore this? Yeah. It looks so cool though. Oh fuck. Bring these back. Oh my God.

Starting point is 01:15:05 Anyways, can we ignore this? Yeah. Shrap the episode. Why don't we progress this part? All right Grinch, where are you gonna be? Tell the people what you wanted to put eyes on. Make your box. I'm gonna be in your crib.

Starting point is 01:15:16 Um. I'm gonna be at Marilyn's on Wednesday. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh, it's so scary. I'm going to steal all of her crap. I'm going to be at the Denver Funny Bone. August 3rd.

Starting point is 01:15:42 August? What's the matter with you? They shot a Denver Funny Bone. Oh. Well, then I'm screwed because they booked me for a Denver Funny Bone. It's really crazy. I think it's because it fits your head perfectly

Starting point is 01:15:58 is the problem. Fits your head perfectly too. Really? I don't like that. Can we restart the episode? I don't want anyone wearing this mask. It's like the mask. Kareem, what do you want them to get eyes on? I don't know. I had a movie that's coming out.

Starting point is 01:16:12 It's playing in New York January 10th at the Roxy and it's playing in LA on January 12th at Braindead Studios. The Roxy, I just looked at that as a venue. It's so cool. It's a great venue. Yeah, you should do it. Use it. No, it's too small for me.

Starting point is 01:16:24 Okay. Oh my God. It'll be perfect for your little movie. Well, okay should do it. Use it. No, it's not. It's too small for me. Okay. Oh my god. It'll be perfect for your little movie. Jesus. Alright. Nevermind, she's still an asshole. She's still a grinchy bitch. The guy who worked there works for the Misfits. He's so cool. They have Rocky Horror Picture Show pictures on the wall. It's beautiful.

Starting point is 01:16:40 I love it. It's great. It would be a great place to film. But it's only for Widow movies, right? It's only for Widow. They have really, it would be a great place to film. But it's only for widow movies, right? Yeah. It's only for widow. They have a screen? They have a movie theater in the basement. Cool. Yeah, that's- We're talking about The Roxy, the iconic rock club?

Starting point is 01:16:52 Oh, no. We're talking about The Roxy Hotel and Cinema in Tribeca. Oh, different. Different. Different stuff. What the fuck are you talking about? We said LA Roxy and there's no Roxy. Oh, no.

Starting point is 01:16:59 And that's in New York is playing at The Roxy. And LA is playing at Braindead Studios, which for your information is about 450. Braindead Studios is sick. What is the movie about? That spot's great. Is it about the articulation of the of the classes in between races and how to bring children up and away?

Starting point is 01:17:15 Why do you think I'm so woke? Your glasses and your face and hair and body. These are my mask. Hold on. Oh, there he is. My man. The movie's about sucking and fucking. Nice. I'm gonna ask. Hold on. Oh, there he is. My man. The movie's about sucking and fucking.

Starting point is 01:17:27 Nice. It looks like Christmas came early. Yeah, yeah. That shit's awesome. Nothing I like more than getting down and dirty. What is it about? I wanted to know. It's like a New York walk and dirty. I want to know. It's it's like a New York walk and talk. It's like a before sunrise or my dinner

Starting point is 01:17:49 with Andre. Have you seen those films? No, you've only seen Transformers. Just because you're a Shia LaBeouf fan, which is cool, but you've only seen you're like I've seen Transformers, honey boy, honey boy, holes that one where he's cool, but you've only seen, you're like, I've seen Transformers, Honey Boy, Honey Boy, Holes. That one where he's creeping around. You're just-

Starting point is 01:18:10 A guy recognizing your saints twice in Spanish. Boondock Saints. It's like a New York walk and talk movie. It's like about a couple- Like Coffee and Cigarettes? Yes. What's a walk and talk? It's like, it's literally a low budget film.

Starting point is 01:18:23 So it's like, that's what we had money for is like people walking and talking. But it's these it's literally a low budget film. So it's like that's what we had money for is like people walking and talking. But it's these two strangers, a guy and a girl. They're forced to spend the day together because they got to collect some money from somebody uptown. That person's not there. They don't want to go back to Brooklyn. So they're like, all right, we'll hang out for three hours. They get to know each other.

Starting point is 01:18:39 But one of them is hiding a secret. I can't tell you to see the movie. But there's some great people in it. There's like PDs in it. No way. Yeah. Well, fuck. Who's that other guy? The guy that played Detective Batista on Dexter. Shit, this is going to be bad.

Starting point is 01:18:56 I don't remember his name. All right. Isn't it your movie? Yeah, dude, I forgot. My co-star, Mary Neely, Brandon Wardell's in it. Mary Neely is my co-star, yeah. Brandon Wardell. We were just out with him in LA. Yeah, he'd be everywhere.

Starting point is 01:19:10 He's everywhere. He plays a guy in a wheelchair in my movie. Perfect. David Zayas, yes, David Zayas. David Zayas is in it. He's a Tony Award award. I think he's a Tony Award award. David Zayas, David Zayas, David, David Zayas.

Starting point is 01:19:25 What do you have to say? I. Zayas, Boop, Boop, Boop, Boop, Boop, David, David Zayas. Well, I'll. Shut up. You're out of control tonight. What if I use with the noises, the blowing and the dinging and the

Starting point is 01:19:40 repetition? I'm I will just be back from a bad. Rosie. It was hot. They look nice. Rosie, though, by the way. Yeah. Like, I don't know if you wear blush or whatever, but you should. Maybe it looks nice. Yeah. Hey, smile more. Yeah, seriously.

Starting point is 01:19:57 Hey, get some color in your face, which I'm going to be. I'm on punch up live dot com Jordan Jensen. And I'll be. I forget where I'm going after this, but it's going to be I'm on PunchUpLive.com slash Jordan Jensen. And I'll be I forget where I'm going after this, but it's going to be the Denver Funny Bone October 13th. Where am I? January 9th. Somewhere cool. I don't know. We know where you'll be January 6th. Celebrate at the final.

Starting point is 01:20:22 The anniversary of a good day. Wow. My good lord. That's right. I'm all right, Santa, everybody. You are on my naughty list if you got the vaccine. Yeah. Maybe I can get mentally ill. You have to be to listen to this. Yeah, I know. I get mentally ill. You have to be to listen to this. I know it's really crazy.

Starting point is 01:20:48 I know. People love it. People love it so much. We sold out the live show December 30th at Rhode Island Comedy Connection. December 31st, two shows, New Year's Eve, my 40th birthday, Rhode Island Comedy Connection. Gonna be fun. Are you excited? I'll be there for the live show.

Starting point is 01:21:05 Yeah. I'm excited for the live show. Who's gonna be there for the stand up show? You are. Yeah, but there's a special guest. I mean, we're not allowed to say, don't say who it is. It's a secret. Oh yeah.

Starting point is 01:21:19 Well, that's good podcasting. Let's bring up more stuff we can't talk about. Dumbass. good podcasting. Let's bring up more stuff we can't talk about. December 31st, Rhode Island comedy connection. Providence, Rhode Island, two shows. EFfinance.com for my special all my dates. I'm on the road every month. Every weekend until the end of May, it's going to be fun. Punch up dot live slash EFfinance. Page John dot com slash Beanie and Bob. We'll see you next week. Merry Christmas everybody. The movie's called or something.

Starting point is 01:21:49 He reminded me that we should probably talk about the stuff. Merry Christmas. It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter what you say anymore.

Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Ep126: Hot Take Christmas W/ Kareem Rahma & John Kennedy

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