Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 017: "Taze Me Later" W/ Brendan Sagalow

Episode Date: November 23, 2022

Ian and Jordan mess around with their buddy, Brendan Sagalow from the "Here's the Scenario" podcast in this shocking episode of Bein' Ian with Jordan! They get into accents, tazers, and Ian takes his pants off. Dont miss it!   For more fun content like this, please sub to our Patreon at www.patreon.com/beinianpod. Follow these lunatics at: Brendan Sagalow- @brendansagalow and on "Here's the Scenario" pod. Jordan Jensen- @jordanjensenlolstop Ian Fidance- @ianimal69

Welcome to Being Ian with Jordan. Telling jokes and having smokes. Riding bikes all through the night. It's a wild ride. When you're being Ian. Coffee ice no matter what. Now you know he likes it in the butt. Hey, Ian here.

Just want to let you know, he means giving it, not getting it. Okay, thanks. Back to the song. It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Being Ian And life is shit, but you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live

A life Being Ian Being Ian Being Ian With Jordan Oh, I could do another impression, too. Do another impression. Watch this. Watch this.

Oh, you know this. Ian, do Christopher Walken. Watch this. I am Christopher Walken. It's crazy how bad it is. It's bad, yeah. I held it in my ass. This was after hours of him mimicking me.

Your father's father. Christopher Walken. Oh, now you're doing it okay. Before he was just going, my! My! What's yours? Go ahead. Christopher Walken.

I can't tell. I sound like Jackie Jr. Jordan can. Do it. Brendan Walken. I can't tell. I sound like Jackie Jr. Jordan can. Do it. Brandon, welcome to the pod. That's pretty good. I would say that's the best out of all three, but it's also bad. Still bad.

What were you going to do? That means the podcast will be here. We do. Of course. You know what? I actually picked up on that. Wow. I think that means the podcast.

Welcome to another episode of Being Ian with Jordan. Do the impression. Okay. So I think you know this, that I could do this impression, but I do this all the time. The putty from Seinfeld. Adam Friedland's calling. Hello, Adam. Thank God.

Put it on speakerphone. All right, you're on speaker on the podcast, Adam. What's calling Hello Adam Put it on speaker for me Alright you're on speaker on the podcast Adam What's up What podcast With Jordan What is it called Be an Ian with Jordan I'm coming to the studio

In a little bit though Yeah Nick is out Do you have anything you'd like to say I'm coming to the studio in a little bit, though. Yeah? Okay. Yeah, Nick is out much, so I just wanted to see what's on. Do you have anything you'd like to say to the fans, Adam? Of you? Of the show. Of Comptown or Taps?

No, not everything's about you. You're on B&E with Jordan right now. Do you have anything to say to the fans? I already was on B&E. Yeah, and you sucked then and you're sucking now. What did you say? Nick is what? Gay. You're not on speakerphone anymore.

We are recording, Jordan. Should we redo the horn, you think? He wants to go back on speaker. We're recording, Adam. We just don't have time. Oh, it is? This is a fucking... You got me all the way out here. No, this is a regular Patreon show

Ian Dude It's a Patreon No it's not a Patreon I'll leave if this is a Patreon It's a regular I'm not staying It's a regular

It's a Sagalow is here Jordan's being wildly Unprofessional You got five seconds Adam Make it count What? Okay stop Stop Okay Jordan got five seconds, Adam. Make it count. What? Okay, stop, stop, stop.

Hang up. Jordan. Dude, this doesn't even feel that heavy, these things. I feel like... Oh, I thought that was a chair talking. You piece of shit. Wow, you piece of shit. Wow, you piece of shit.

Honestly, honestly. No, no, real question, though. Do you give a shit about this show? Yeah. Thank you. Okay. Thank you. Does she act like it?

No. So far, I haven't seen it. You're answering the phone. You're texting. Can I answer the phone? And you said, yes, put it on speaker. Yeah, and you didn't. I put it immediately on speaker.

Okay, well now. who are you texting now but i want to make sure who's pregnant i don't don't throw that shit on me i don't give a shit about that you just asked who's pregnant by all means you just actually texting my friend who's black so i said she's pregnant obviously who's black. Yeah. I said she's pregnant. Obviously, she's black. Because she's 12. All right. All right. Blow the shofar. Is that what that's called?

Yeah. Yeah. The shofar? Yeah. I wish you fucking got me a shofar to hit here. And a shofar, you're blowing it. I actually think I'm doing pretty good shofar. It's a party.

I thought we were going to talk about the economic state of the world. Nikoska. Okay, so. Please do the impression. Brendan, you're a comic. Can we see the impression? The time has passed. How did you start?

How did I get into this? No. Is that what you guys do? Oh, Adam Friedland's calling me. I guess I have to pick up. Come to me. Fuck you, buddy. Nice.

That's how it's done. Legitimately nice. I thought you were going to pick it up. No. Good for you, man. Thank you. We're recording. I asked you if going to pick it up. No. Good for you, man. Thank you. We're recording. I asked you if I should.

He's a friend of the pod. You're such a little jealous bitch. I'm not a jealous bitch. You're being a baby. We're legitimately recording an episode and you're like, I have to have a phone call. I said, should I put on speaker? And you said, yeah, put on speaker. I said, should I pick up?

And you said, put on speaker. And then I had a great line that would have been awesome if you hung up on him on And then you Ian touch my hand and let it go Is that what you guys do? No Is it gone? Look at me

You can hurt it if you want to Dude I was hanging out with a bunch of old Long Island buddies Yesterday And I was saying goodbye to one of them And I like shook his hand and I went Squeeze my to one of them, and I, like, shook his hand, and I went, squeeze my hand as hard as you can, because that kind of feels good. And he fucking grabbed my, he grabbed both hands

and just started squeezing. Oh, God. Oh, God. Yeah. Now it's in, like, so much pain. I got really mad because I left a show, and this guy was, like, I was, I forget what state I was in. Bum, fuck, nowhere. Fentanyl, New York.

You know what I mean? No, worse. Like Missouri, somewhere in Missouri. Whatever. This guy came up to me and he was like talking to me and kind of doing the like, I don't, I don't, I want to fuck you, but I don't want to say that I want to fuck you. So I'm just going to like. And what does that sound like?

What does that look like? It's kind of just like looking me up and down while he's asking questions that he doesn't care about. You know what I mean? Like, and what's your mom's name? You know? And then I was like, all right. And then shut up.

And then he's deciding if you had a boner or not. Did you let it go? I'm back in Riffman. All right. So then I was like, I was like, you guys been doing a podcast for what? Three months and you're already at each other's throats. And no, I'm not. I love her.

I'll defend her to the end. People comment stuff online. I go, this is my friend. Don't call her a humorless cunt. That's my job. That's my friend. I do. And I bet she says,

you're my best friend. That's worse. That is worse. Do you want me to say the things that people say. You're my best friend. Wow. That's worse. That is worse. That is worse. Do you want me to say the things? You really don't want to hear how I defend you. It's like when couples do this, when they go, do you want me to bring up the... And you're like, yo, bring up the...

Bring it up. Yeah, bring up the... If any girlfriend I had said that to me... And the earlier you cut the sentence off, the worse it is. Do you know what I mean? Do you... Do you... Do you... Do you... Do the worse it is. Do you know what I mean? Do you? Do you? Do you?

Do you? Do you? Do you? Do you? Do you? Do you? Do you? My bit. I call dibs on my bit.

That is so. I call dibs on my bit. You can have it. You can have it. No. No. That's my bit. Okay.

Okay. Fine. That's my bit. Do you? Well, who's got the first spot tonight? And then. I do. And then, you don't even say anything.

It becomes a look. You. You. And then, you don't say anything. It becomes a look. And then you don't even look. You just kill yourself. And then you just know that it exists because life is hell and you've married a cold-hearted bitch. Now, Brendan, you've been doing comedy. Now you've been with a cold-hearted. That is a good bit, though, the short cutting it off.

I have a bit where I talk about my sister doing tiny mouth to her husband where she brings it into the tiny mouth. And you're like, I can still see you and hear you emasculating this poor man. Yeah, it's like you're strangling the words. Yeah, yeah. Like, don't make me strangle things I want to see. I'm like, I can hear you calling him a pussy through your tiny mouth. It is. That's funny.

Coming up next on TLC, tiny mouths. It's funny having bits where you got to like do things with your face. I love it. I'm really a wink guy now. Yeah. I've been watching Sebastian Maniscalco and I've been way more animated on stage since watching it. Oh, God. No, it's good.

Not John Marco style. Oh, come on. Now it's definitely going on Patreon, which means I'm definitely leaving. No, that's okay. He doesn't mind me making fun of him. You're right. He makes fun of himself the same way. Yeah, no.

Sure. Yeah. No, Brendan. No. What's your writing process? What's my writing process? I just don't do it. He throws his headphones into his ears before he can even think about anything. And he walks to a coffee shop called Kinship and he sits down and writes.

That's good. That's good. I remember things about my friends. But my life has changed now, so I don't do that. Because you have a girlfriend. What should I do now? Stop. Brendan, quick question.

Brendan, you know, as a comic, I was just wondering. Brendan, really quick, really quick, just. Process. Well, I mean, short answer. We're really getting into Bray's tax year. You know, I'm always wonderful. This is the sound effect episode. This episode's called Bazinga. So you don't do that anymore?

You don't throw in the AirPods and head off? I do. I do. I wake up. I put, well, you know, my life is fucking a little bit better. I wake up! Grab a brush and put a little makeup! Put a little makeup! I don't have the need to put in headphones anymore. Like when I used to live with a bunch of Getting a girlfriend just fixed your life?

No, of course not. Of course not. Yeah, it made it worse. Oh, you don't know. Oh, you don't know. Don't make me bring up the. Oh, you were. You don't know what they were. Yeah, I don't want to bring up the. Don't make me.

Don't make me. Don't make me. I'm going to. I'm going to. I'm going to. I'm going to. You know, you. Stop it. you know you you are legitimately doing my act now

no but yeah it's no no there's people laughing with sounds you got jfl with sounds i got jfl sounds on sounds alone yeah yeah i I sent them me with a bunch of one man band kind of shit with symbols on my knees. Hi. Unrepresented. Hitting my head. The vibrator. I can't do it.

Do it. Wow. So good. It's a vibrator. Let me hear it. I can also do a phone which is very short versions of those. Wow. I guess that's not good.

No. That was good. Okay. All right. Good. It's more of a text message. Yeah. Well, phone.

What do you want me to go? Hello. Oh, okay. What do you think about this face? No! Stop, man. I hate triangle face. Stop.

I do it to him all the time. He hates it. Stop. Dude, okay, during the pandemic, you two would both come over, and I would cook you dinners. Oh, remember we watched The Grinch? Those are good dinners.

We watched The Grinch. We watched The Ballad of Buster Scruggs. Bad movie. It's not a bad movie, but it was definitely a bad choice. There were some parts. I shouldn't have fucking put it on. I made fried chicken. That was my decision.

I made salmon and veggies. That was fun. So fun. I'd never really had friends for dinner before. As a child, I always thought that I'd be a part of dinner parties. What's going on with his accent? Oh, my God. You said salmon and child.

Yeah, salmon and child. You said salmon and child. As a child. I've never made myself some. What? As a child. Child. Stop it.

Stop. Say it normal. As a child. Oh, my God. What? When I was a child. How do you spell that? Okay, it's coming back. It's coming back. Now, do you. What? When I was a child. How do you spell that? Okay, it's coming back.

It's coming back. Now, do you like, okay, do you like spicy food? I use my meal recipe. Do you like it really spicy, or do you like it mild? Okay, now, when you're a- Wait, how come everybody has a Philly accent that comes from where you come from? Like, Shangela's and all those sound the same, but you have a Southern accent. How do you say H-I-G-H school?

High school. High school. High school. High school. I went to high school. High school. How do you say F-L-O-R-I-D-A? I hate games like this because then you have to learn how to spell.

I know, it's so hard. F- What? The state that's the penis of the United States. Florida. Oh, Florida. Florida. Florida.

Florida. Florida. Orlando, Florida. Florida. Florida. Florida. Orlando, Florida. Fly rider. Flow rider. How do you say A-S-S-H-O-L-E? Great joke. I quoted it the other day. A-S-S-H-O-L-E. You said it was mine. Spell it again. A-S-S-H-O-L-E. H-S-S. A-S-S-H-O-L-E.

Oh, asshole. Asshole. Oh. Class. Ass Asshole Class High school Child You say it like an older black woman How do you say N-O-S-E A black judge Nose I have a nose

Where's your nose Man people from Philly love That they have an accent He doesn't have a Philly accent Nose Oh my god when I was younger I had a Newport Delaware accent So bad

How old were you a little kid going My nose is too big mom I wasn't a chimney sweep. Why don't I have a child's nose, Mom? Why don't I have a child's nose, Mom? I just feel I like Ghostbusters. I do declare this man is guilty as dead. It was four scorned seven years ago.

Yeah, that's nice. Don't fake give me something. No. I can tell when you think something's nice. I like that was nice. I thought that was nice. You're just giving it to me. I did think it was nice.

Grinch, though. Remember that? Oh, real fun. Stop, man. Stop. It's scarier when she does it. It's just bad. It's scarier when you do it because you lose your lips.

How do you say B-A-D? Bad. Bad. There's a Long Island accent somewhere in my fucking mouth. It's when you get mad. Water. I say a lot, too. When I get mad, yeah.

When you get mad, you have a Long Island accent. Yeah. Oh, it comes out. When I'm livid about something, I'm like, you fucking. Yeah. I'm so fucking mad. Yeah. I'm so fucking mad. Yeah. I took my, I had to take my cat to the vet at like four in the morning to the 24 hour

vet place. I was so worried about him. His like jaw was open. His tongue was out. He was drooling. I think he got stung by something. I don't know. He's fine now.

He ate a poison spider. Once I got him there, he was fine. And I'm like, there's really nothing wrong. We're not going to charge you because you're fucking moron. His tongue was out and he was drooling. What is he, you when you see a younger woman? A child, if you will. Oh, God, yes, dude, yes.

Thank you for saving that. I want to be in on it. There should be a sketch where it's just me and my life, like in a bodega guy, like goes to fist bump me, and you fly in through windows. I mean, I will. Through the chips. No, but the guy that drove me, Mario, he was like,

he was born and raised in Brooklyn. He had such a thick accent. I'm like, man, that is gone. There's no new generation in New York accent. Sebastian Maniscalco. Who? Who's our age that has that accent aside from Scopa? My feature, Jake

Velasquez, great comic, shout out. He is from the Bronx and he has a bit of a New York accent. Yeah. His family. My cousin's from Brooklyn. He's got that fucking he talks like this. You don't meet kids with that accent. I don't think anything you're saying has any merit. You think it's dying?

Yeah. But every generation thinks everything is dying during their time. But it's true with ours. Accents are just constantly changing. I mean, no one speaks like fucking Al Capone anymore, you know? Al Pacone? Well, I was going to say Pacino for some reason. Al Pacone. I saw him

walking in Los Angeles, disheveled down the street. No, Pacino. Just... Well, who was the guy Gerard Butler the other night disheveled his shit at the cellar? Really? He was at the cellar? Yeah. Wait, the guy from 300? Yeah. And I think he's off the wagon because motherfucker

was stumbling. Maybe he's like doing it off the wagon. Andfucker was stumbling. Maybe he's doing a roll. Dude, I just had to wait to get off the wagon. What, and drink again? Yeah. Really? When are you going to do it? I almost drank. No, no, but I keep almost going.

Why? Just, you know, the other day I'm hanging out with my friends. They're all getting fucking hammered, and I'm like bowling. I'm like legitimately, but they're all getting fucking drunk, and I'm like, I got to be. You know, they're all like, I don't know. It would have been nice to drink. Yeah. A little bit. I go out, you know, you watch Sopranos and you're like, oh, they're drinking

the wine and you're like. The wine is the one that gets me, yeah. I would like to be able to have sex ever again in my life and alcohol would help me do that. Oh, for sure. You're in a bad place, huh? No, he's in a good place. I don't think so, but when it comes to alcohol Well, you gotta think, you gotta play the tape through. What's going to happen when you drink?

I remember specifically outside that brewery in Queens, you guys were hanging out. Oh, yeah. And you were a mess. Yeah, yeah. And you're like, man, I like sango. That was the last night I ever drank. It's just like too much. Yeah, yeah.

Fingerless gloves. But. I still got the fingerless gloves somewhere. Do you think that you will drink again? Because guess what? I don't know. If you think that you will drink again? Because guess what? I don't know. If you think that way, you will. It's one day at a time.

It is one day at a time. I'm almost going on two years. That's great. One for me. Not one fuck up either. Wow. Not one fuck up. You smoke weed.

I smoke weed. Weed sucks. Weed sucks. It doesn't suck. It's pretty cool. Terrible. No, it's not not you're an adult why is it terrible

so what I'm a fucking adult guess who smoked weed the Indians and they were adults they didn't smoke weed you don't know anything about the Indians

they smoked open the book open the book what do you have a book yeah we have a book you have a book Native American poetry the sound is fading

the sound is fading away. It is of five sounds. Freedom. The sound is fading away. It is of five sounds. That sounds like a high motherfucker, though, right? That does sound like someone who's smoking that peace pipe. Weed kills my father.

I hate weed. I have this. How did weed kill your dad? Huh? How did it kill your dad? Well, we don't know how he died, but he smoked 11 joints a day. He got to munchies and ate himself to death. Pretty much.

He would only eat donuts every day. He laughed too much at Cheech and Chong. Okay, this is from Red Cloud. And then he died like the weasels in Roger Rabbit. We know how he actually died. We're looking at you. Okay, so. I am poor and naked, but I am the chief of the nation.

We do not want riches, but we want to train our children right. Riches would do us no good. We want to run train on the cab. We could not take them with us to the other world. We do not want riches. We want peace and love. Stop doing this. I mean, that's from Red Cloud, late 19th century sushi.

I don't think you're supposed to call it Red Cloud anymore. I wonder what my Indian name would be. Raccoon Sticky Finger No definitely fingers Chief doesn't want your puss Chief nothing Because she's a woman So it would be Lady Long Fingers

Hog Ma'am Lady Salad Fingers Remember Salad Fingers I like rusty spoons Dude I bet you loved Salad Fingers Lady nags too much. Salad Fingers. It's almost orgasmic.

What is this? Salad Fingers. You're too old. You're too old. You're 100 years old. I'm 37. Salad Fingers is something that Mal Goss would watch. It was an animated thing of a scary little guy going, I like Rusty Spoons.

It was either Salad Fingers or it was like Homestar Runner. Homestar Runner. Homestar Runner. I have Runner. Homestar Runner. I have a crush on every boy. Yeah. Salad Fingers, weird goth shit. Homestar Runner. Boys are stupid.

The bunny. Remember the bunny that would kill itself over and over? Oh, yeah. Do you remember... What was that video of those cute animals that used to die? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. What? That's what I'm talking about.

Happy tree friends. Happy tree friends. Holy shit. What? Blast from the'm talking about. Happy tree friends. Happy tree friends. Holy shit. What? Blast from the past. Can you pop it up? Yeah. Do we have it?

Does this TV work? Why? Does this TV work? Yes, it works. Happy tree. It's not connected. You don't remember that? Happy tree farm?

Tree friends? Happy tree friend. Where's the remote? This is the kind of shit. Where's the remote? This is the kind of shit. Where's the remote? Here. No, that's not the remote to the TV. Toshiba.

Oh, you know what? We do have to make a phone call because my mom called. Should we call her on the podcast? Yeah, let's give her a call. Okay. But I haven't had a free link on. So, welcome to the Brendan Show. Sorry, me.

Now, is it Brendan or Brandon? It's Brendan. Hey, Mom. What are you doing other than not calling your mother back? Oh, I'm recording a podcast. Oh, okay. Go, go then. No, I'm with Jordan, Brendan, Ethan, and Jordy.

Hi. Hi, Gail. Hi, Gail. Hey. Hi, hi, hi. Oh, I love all of you. Oh, you're the best, Mom. So are you, God.

No, my mom knows who you are, Brendan. She always goes, I love your chubby friend. You're like, Mom, that's Brian Scolaro. No. You like Brendan. I was bummed out the other night at the cellar. I really go in it. It's weird to see somebody like that just having a meltdown. Yeah. That's like the guy I don't want to be.

Not Brian, but like the guy I don't want to be is the guy that everybody sees. Yes, you can tell Brendan is sweet. Yes. Say it again, Mom. I did not call him chubby. Oh, that's okay. No. I did not.

You called LaMare chubby. If this were different times, I'd be a king. It's fine. Mom, did you know if this was different times, he'd be a king? I really can see you as a king. King of the fucking laughs. Why are you doing that with the microphone? My mom wants to know King of what

Why do you have the top Tattooed on you Is that from inception Alright mom This is kind of a disaster So I'll call you later I really thought

You were gonna bring it And You're the best Gail We love you mom They love me It doesn't sound like you love me That's not true I'm gonna give you a big hug and kiss

When I see you this weekend This weekend? No Alright love you bye No These aren't as heavy as I thought they'd be. Are these real? No, it's edible.

Funny. No, but sometimes they're not, sometimes they're not as good. Can I feel? I feel like they're, this feels like a fucking Christmas ornament. Oh, wow, yeah. Yeah, dude. No, it's very light. Well, aluminum's light.

Is that aluminum? But aluminum's heavy. Like, would hurt if you got hit by it. Do you, what's the inside thing? Oh, I's light. Is that aluminum? But aluminum's heavy. Like, would hurt if you got hit by it. Do you? Yeah. What's the inside thing? Oh, I get it. I used to carry those in my shoe.

Yeah, what is the... Oh, it's so your fingers can go in there? It's so you don't crush your own fingers. You know how you're supposed to hit with them? Let me show you. Don't. Please don't hit me. Yeah, I'm going to hit you.

Opposite tag. No, I... If you swing it... Oh. You swing it. Oh, you swing it and then you punch. I bet you could do that with your own fists. What do you think about a fight club? Break your movie? No.

No. I think it's a good idea. I want it. There's a lot of like white people that need to get that shit out. That's why you go to punk rock shows. Yeah. Get it out in the pit. But when I'm at music shows or whatever, I kind of avoid the pit.

Really? I don't want to go in there. I'm in there. My kind of enjoyment is watching it. We got to go to a show, though. Yeah. When's the last show we went to? Turnstile?

No. No. Less than Jake. Let somebody else get the tickets, though. Am I right? I was listening to Less Than Jake on the way here. Yeah. No. No. Less than Jake. Let somebody else get the tickets though. Am I right? I was listening to Less Than Jake on the way here. Yeah. They're great.

I saw Rage recently. Oh, how was that? That was like terrifying. Yeah? I was terrified. Why? Well, I took like an 80 milligram edible. Weed's cool, huh?

Well, it's- I like to do something that terrifies me. Wait. Rage Against the Machine. Grow up. I'm always terrified. Yeah. Rage Against the Machine. Grow up. I'm always terrified. Yeah, Rage Against the Machine. Who opened for them?

Run the Jewels. Yeah. Yeah. That's fun. And it was just like, dude, they were so fucking intense. It was awesome. Because, you know, I'm used to like Green Day shows where they're like handing out teddy bears to everybody and being like, would you like to sing a song?

Intense because everybody was like moshing or was it intense? They just did an hour and a half, maybe two hours of just like all their fucking songs. Yeah. In a row. No, you know, it was very cool. Very like, we're Rage Against the Machine. We're from Oakland, California. Bah, bah.

Nice. And then they just, and then for an hour or two hours of that. But their first song is like, everybody's punching each other. Yes. And it's flashing red and black at you. It says, fear is your only God. And I'm like on 80 milligrams of it. And I'm freaking the fuck out.

80? Yeah. And it was very scary. It was very scary. But it felt good. I was also in the middle of like moving and everything. So a lot of those demons came out. You know who I'm obsessed with at this moment?

Gorilla Biscuits. Dude. What? Where's'm obsessed with at this moment? Gorilla Biscuits. Dude! What? Where's my hoodie that I was wearing? That's a Gorilla Biscuits hoodie that you wear all the time? Yes! Well, it's King Cog from Brooklyn. It's a bike place I go to, but it's the Gorilla Biscuits logo.

Gorilla Biscuits are the best. They're so good. Start today! The chugging that they do is so good. Start today. The chugging that they do is so good. Should we put a record on? Yo, you're the knife. You gotta check these dudes out. I also saw Cypress Hill

recently. What? I saw Cypress Hill recently. They were fucking amazing. Yes, of course. you don't like rap music, do you? I said I hate rap on stage last night, and it felt like I took a 300-pound turd. It felt so good. It was a relief. I was like, I hate rap.

I hate rap. And some guy went like this to me from the audience. Why do I hate rap? I just don't. You know what it is? It's because of being surrounded by dudes all the time who are always. Super into it. Who are always mouthing the words to it or singing along to it that it's turning against a personal attack

but uh you are one of these get robbed by black guy being like i hate blacks just because one guy ruined it for you yeah no not one guy all guys rapping in your face just rapping going through a whole rap song rapping in your face but also but also singing any song in your face, just rapping, going through a whole rap song. You're just rapping in your face. That's obnoxious. That's sagalow. But also singing any song in your face is annoying. I've never rapped in anyone's face. You've rapped into my face. You've rapped into my face so many times.

So many times. I also just, I like some rap. I like Earl Sweatshirt. I like Hendrick. Oh, sure, sure, sure. Sorry, I q taking this personally for some reason school by q very good mac miller mac miller is my favorite which you don't hate rap you hate the the culture of like money rap you hate like puff daddy no i don't i it's more like if it's on i'm like okay like uh you know what it is people will put it on while we're

hanging and i'm like there's my adhd you know what it is? People will put it on while we're hanging. And I'm like, my ADHD cannot handle this. Any kind of music being put on while we're hanging out sucks ass. Yeah, it does suck. Dude, should I go up and just. No, I don't like ska. You like this? No, I don't like this. Omnigon.

Adam Davis used to be the guitarist for Link 80. Does this make you want to mosh? Oh, yeah. I mean, if I was in the room, I might have a good time, but. What's the really fucked up one that I've been getting into that's. Sorry. Sorry. Did I just ruin the podcast?

No. No, it's good. I want a record player bad. It's fine. I just don't know where I'd put it. Dude, you just sit, put it on... Did you show me Cenk? You showed me Cenk. Yeah. Funny thing about Cenk, the lead singer, turned out

to be an abusive pedophile. We don't like that. Since you showed them to me? No, actually, I learned about them, and I really like them. Wait, is it Cenk? Can you show me the album covers?

There's a new band I got into called Spent. They're Salt Lake City hardcore. You got to check them out. Dude, it's so funny if someone who has no idea what any of the... Yeah, yeah, that guy. I know. We're really having a conversation for two people right now. People like this.

I like jank. I like spit. Earth Crisis? You like Earth Crisis? Dude, a firestorm to purify, bitch. Nice. Yes. I'm about to put on some blacklisted and fucking marsh.

Yeah, we got to go. Well, blacklisted broke up years ago. But we got to go to like a chuggy one. Oh, dude. Dude, you would love Year of the Knife, I think. This is my shirt. Why? What do they sound like?

Kind of sound like hate breed. Hate breed is so good. Yeah, there you go. I think it's all bullshit. Dude, I'm telling you. I felt the same way. I obviously don't feel that way, but it's funny to say things to annoy people. I couldn't get into it.

I'm a bit of a contrarian. Can we get some caution tape for my mouth? I think we need it. Oh, hey, watch out. What? Just threatening to kill you? Hey, watch out. Oh, dude. I'm trying to get a clip of it. What the fuck? What? Just threatening to kill you? Hey, watch out.

Oh, dude. I'm trying to get a clip of it. What the fuck? I'm trying to get a clip of it, but I did some, like, crowd work show. Hey, Brendan, watch out. Watch out. Tases you. You have a taser.

It's one of those gun ones. I do have a taser. You go, hey, watch out. Oh, yeah. I was wondering, Ian, could I have one of those tasers because things are getting dangerous? I would love a taser as well. I would love for you to have a taser. You made pasta. Oh, my God.

There. That's yours. See if it works. Let me get one. And if you tase me, I will fucking stab you and hit you. Back up. Stop, man. Tase him.

No, don't. I'll stab you. Get that out of here. I'll stab you. Well, it is the year of the knife, am I right? Man The year of the knife am I right I'll annoy you to death oh I see that that is cool I would never tell me days you know what is this jackass? No, let me see Why what? What do you do? Press this button? Nice. These fucking

rules. Welcome to being eaten. Hold on. I want to give you something that you could use for the clips. Welcome to being eaten with Jordan. There you go. Oh, yeah. That's great. Now make sure you turn it off so you don. Oh, yeah. That's great.

Now, make sure you turn it off so you don't drain the battery. But I do think I should have this for safety. Take it. I want you to be safe. Yeah. I would feel better. I want one for safety. If I touch this to me, what would happen?

Why do you think? I think it honestly, I think it tickles. Now, what if we all held hands? Do you want me to do it? And then one of us got tased. Or you do it to you. What would happen? It's off.

Just real quickly in your leg. No, no, no. That's not how you do it. You know how to do it. You didn't shut it. That was. Put it. Put the things.

Don't put it on your bare skin. Not against your skin. Just put it on your thigh. No, it's the rubber. It's insulated. Just put it on your thigh. Put it. No, no, no.

Hold on. Everybody stop for one second. Take it and just put it like this. I'm not going to do that. Oh. No, no, no. Hold on. Everybody stop for one second. Take it and just put it like this. I'm not going to do that. Oh. No. Why? Just take it and just... Can you do it to yourself and I'll do it to myself? Where did this come in?

Do it. Are you a real one? I heard a woman say that. Am I right? Oh, shit. You're breaking it. Are you going to charge it? What happens if you're touching that? Here, hold on, hold on. Put the charger, the prongs back in.

All right. Now try again. There you go. Jesus fucking Christ. Real quick. Don't tase yourself. Give me the fucking thing. I'll do it.

I'll do it. Yes. You're right. Just give me the fucking thing. I'll do it. I'll do it. Yes. You're right. Just give me the fucking thing. You're right. I'm not going to do it to you. I promise. I promise I'm not going to do it to you.

No. On our friendship, I will not do it to you, and I'll tase myself. That means nothing to him. Oh, fuck. No. Oh, it tickles. You didn't do it. God, that made me. Oh, it tickles. You didn't do it. God, that made me.

I did it. I told you. I'm not a liar. Yes, I did. Did I or did I not? I fucking did it. I felt it. Oh, God.

That's not how you do it, man. Just put it up against your leg and then press the button. It's so hard to get yourself to do it. It's so hard. It's dead. The battery's dead. I did it. You saw it. I'll show you my leg.

Your leg doesn't show anything. Yeah, because it'll have a mark. Yes. Are you? Yeah, I promised on our friendship. I would never betray you. You, I'm on the fence.

I did it. Thank you, and I'll do it again. I did it. Jamaican pasta. Thank you. And I'll do it again. Let's get fucking ripped. I don't do drugs. I want to do it. I want to do it.

I tried to do it. I want to put on hardcore music and just fucking mosh. I tried to do it, but my hand wouldn't drop. If you walked in and Ian was just alone, moshing to himself, tasing his own leg. Dude, I would just literally turn to the fridge and start. I would, it would not be. I'd be like, yep.

Yeah. I'd be like, dude, that was some salmon. That really kind of, whoa, that woke you up? Dude, you should do that every morning instead of getting coffee. That might be like a nice little replacement for you. What did it feel like? It honestly, when I did it, I saw blue for a second. Have you never been shocked?

It was cool. I've fallen on an electrical fence a million times. I've been shocked off ladders. What am I talking about? Yeah, it's just like that. Is it just like that? It's no big deal. You want to do it?

It'll vibrate. Yeah. It really didn't do anything. Please don't do it to me. I won't. Are you going to do it to yourself? You just said you want to do it. Do it to yourself? You want to do it to yourself. It doesn't't do anything. Please don't do it to me. I won't. Are you going to do it to yourself? You just said you want to do it. Do it to yourself?

You do it to yourself. It doesn't hurt. Okay. Oh, my God. Get that. It's only doing one, so it won't. Yeah, see? Ow!

That's not even that much. Ow! It does hurt. Ow! It hurts. It burns. That hurts. It burns.

It burns. That does burn. That hurts more than electrical wiring. Okay. Now, here's the thing. Let's spray raid in each other's eyes. Now, let me do it again. Yeah.

See, don't you want to do it again? Yeah. Now, here's the thing. Oh, give it to me. Now, I'm going to be honest. Faithful listeners and viewers. Ow. When we did that, the battery was dying and it was just like a dip.

We're going to charge it and we'll really get robbed. Oh, my God. We'll really fucking be somebody. How about this? It won't do anything. We're going to charge it and we'll really get robbed. We'll really fucking be somebody. How about this? It won't do anything. We each take a knife, put it into a plug somewhere and just shock ourselves like that. And how about this?

Wait. Toaster. Bathtub. Yeah. Yeah. Let's do that. I'm ready to die. Dude, my favorite. You have my favorite line.

I'm so jealous of it. Do you still do it where you walk on stage and the first thing you say is what's up? Are you guys ready to die? Oh no. It's my favorite. I think it in my head all the time. What's up motherfuckers? Are you ready to die? So anyway, my mommy's doorbell.

It kind of buries me a little bit in the beginning. It's so sick. People are very confused about what kind of humor I'm going to. I love that bing bong joke. Oh, thanks. That's great. Thank you, dude. What's up, motherfuckers? Are you ready to dance?

So the JFL people, they put out like a commercial for all of the people who did it. And they're all doing like punchlines and stuff. And then it like gets to me and I'm like, ding dong. Ding dong. That's it. Yeah. It's good. Two cigarettes in 20 minutes, huh?

And a tase. And a tased. You did good at JFL, didn't you? You did well. I'm good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Should I glue the lizard to this? We should get milkshakes. Yeah. Ooh. Wouldn't that be fun? Well, we just walk up to the car We've been tasing ourselves all day Dude, I feel like a little like

Yeah, totally It hurts Yeah, you gonna do it? Let's go get tattoos right now I might do that I'm ready Yo, you know what we should do? What?

Fucking get a tattoo artist here And tattoo us while we do a podcast. That's a great idea. Oh, we kind of did that. But. Again? Yeah. No, here in the Delaware Den.

Yeah. Oh, also shout out Colton French for that Delaware Den sign. Isn't that pretty cool? How's your podcast going? It's great. Here's the scenario. Give me a scenario. Let's do a scenario.

You want to do a scenario? Yeah. Okay, let's do a scenario you want to do a scenario yeah okay let's see would you rather what is this what is that i was trying to get a burp out but then he just oh i thought that was like what you do on the show like do you here's the scenario do you as a sober person in fidance do you ever drink a seltzer at the cellar and then you get on stage and you just have to hold in a burp the whole time? And you try and wait for a big enough laugh? I drink water first and then seltzer in between comments. Why? Because I don't want to burp on stage. Because on stage it brings up these Pellegrinos.

And lately I've been getting a mustache mustache in my mouth while I'm talking. Yeah, your mustache is a little unruly. Do you have some clippers? Yeah. Do you have some scissors? Yeah. Where should I trim it? Oh, there's some extra long ones.

All right. All right. Scenario one. A. All right. That was just funny to me. Would you rather drag your nuts across a cactus I guess for you it would be a clam

What part of my clam? The whole thing Just sitting on a fucking cactus And then scraping your body Stop it Brendan Or have the very tips of your toes Repeatedly snapped by a mousetrap Or French kiss a taser by a mousetrap or French kiss a taser.

Oh, wow. Mousetrap. Mousetrap. Simple. I'd rather French kiss a taser. My toes are basically. You'd rather French kiss a taser? I'm not doing it now.

Well, lucky for you. But I think. You would never do that. There's no way. If the three options are. You would. Your tongue would be. Dude.

Somebody would be holding it off your head Tongue your taser Taser your tongue That'd be kind of hot actually Do you push Someone was grabbing the back of my head What I don't know

And making me Do you push Have you ever gotten choked during Have you ever gotten choked during sex Sorry I didn't know I was going to be fucking Chained for it Have you ever gotten choked during sex No

No they can't find my neck Wait what You've never been choked I've been choked until my eyes rolled back. I usually do the choking. You could choke yourself. Just get the back of a chair or something. No, I've seen too many things where the person,

like, yeah, right, I'm having sex, and I'm like, just wait. I wrap a belt and put it on a doorknob. A pulley system comes down from the ceiling. A dumb waiter. A dumb waiter's good. I've been choked to almost, it makes me cum so hard, and also it's the only time I've cried during sex is when I'm.

Whoa. Yeah. Maybe it's the crying that's making you cum. Well, at least she's getting wet somehow. That's funny. Now, here's the thing. Hi. Yeah I like choking. I like boys.

I like choking. You like choking? You like getting choked? I like choking to the point where they pass out. Stop. And then you have to get them awake. This is really hard to find. And then you have 911.

Hard to find? Yes, it's really hard to find. Dude, you have nine, one, one hard to find. Yes. It's really hard to find. Dude, the amount of guys that I fuck where I'm like, dude, I'm telling you, kill me esophagus.

And then I have to go up on stage that night. And I'm like, no, it's the best. You like doing that. Oh my God. I'll fucking kill you. That hooker.

I, that, that hooker that tricked me into paying her for sex had me choke her, and she passed out, and it made her squirt, and we were having sex standing up. So she passed out, squirted, and it just sounded like somebody, like you know when you do a prank and you have a bucket on the door? It sounded like that.

So it was just like squirt on concrete, and I'm like, did I just kill this lady? It's so funny. Just picture someone passed out like What did you say about it before? She had a kid and her pussy definitely didn't forget. You were like it was like washing the

deck of a ship. That's what you said. Alright, I'll get the mop. Swashbuckle. No, it sounded like at a high school softball team's car wash where they throw the bucket of water on the windshield. That's what it sounded like. And then much like that car wash,

at the end there was a man negotiating prices. That was funny. I'm not into that. I mean, like, I'll choke a little bit. But I like being choked. I kind of want to pass out. I've tried choking until they pass out. It is really hard to do.

I don't like passing out. I just, I don't enjoy. It's because of the hardcore thing. It's the same feeling. It's like you finally get, your brain finally gets to shut off for a second because you're dying. It's so nice. Yeah. It's so nice.

Brennan, do you have any kinks? I don't like being slapped. Like any kinks? Kinks? Yeah. Ian? You know what mine is? Don't.

Finding pleasure in pain. Oh! Wow. Oh, now he likes it. Give it to me. Don't do it to me! Don't! I have he likes it. Give it to me. Don't do it to me. Don't. I have to control it.

Ian. Fuck. Yeah, right. It's not charging. Oh, man. I got me good. That was a little trick she pulls. Here's the thing.

No, no, no. Give it. I'll peel it back in. Run out of battery. No, I won't. I've told you I won't. I have a plug. Give it. I'll get back in. Run out of battery. No, I won't. I've told you I won't. I have a plug. Plug.

Plug. Do I have any kinks? Oh, I'm going to show you my leg. No, not really. Maybe just. Oh, take a video. That's very good. Sure.

I'm going to make a compilation. Oh, oh. Look at those white spots. That's what it is. See the white spots? Oh, yeah, shit.

I actually didn't see that. I wanted to make fun of you, but those were there. Cleared the blood right out. Wow. Do it to your balls. Anybody, anybody can,

anybody can shock their legs. I should have fucked poopies. I got a zomber. You want to call him up? No. Will you tase yourself? No. I thought that you were going to be like, let's get this podcast on track.

Will you tase yourself? All right. No. No, I will not. You would like big fat pussy. We're back in therapy with Alan. Doesn't he say pussy to people? He used to call me pussy all the time.

God, my leg hurts. It can't do anything to our brains, can it? No, I don't think I feel about my feelings. You know about that thing where they electric shock the side of their brain and it makes them smart? Yeah, right. Dude, okay, this woman did a whole NPR, okay? You know about that thing where the electric shocks the side of their brain and it makes them smart? Yeah, right. Dude. Okay. This woman did a whole NPR.

Okay. Did a whole thing on it where they blasted. You know the one where you listen to NPR and you think it makes you smart? Yeah, good one. Good one. Good one. Good one. Good one.

But they blast the side of the brain and she played a video game once and she was like, I sucked at it. Blast the brain. And a lot of kids are using this thing in school. And then she got 100 on the thing and she was like, I had no. 100 on the video game? Yeah, she was like. What's the video game?

Like just shoot, single shooter. Oh, it's because she played it before. And now she, you know, the experience. It didn't, nothing happened. No, dude. Dude, I'm telling you. If people acing kiss. If she could shock herself

and then speak a different language, then maybe. No, that's, it doesn't make you smarter in that sense. It removes self-doubt. So you just do, it's like, it's like if you, you know how you have to do something a bunch to be good at it? So it's like a Xanax

kind of thing. If you do something once, you're just like, I know I've done it before so surely I am good at it. I felt it on Coke bowling. Hmm. Have you never bowled before?

Oh, dude. I had, but I'm not, you don't spontaneously learn new information. You just are able to access. My turn, one time I was playing baseball and I got high and I felt like I could really pitch it into the strike zone.

Oh, you're like the dude who did the, he was on acid and he threw a new hit. No hitter. Doc Ellis. Yeah. Doc Ellis. Took me forever to say that. Fuck it. I like the guy on acid.

Didn't do a new picture. Give me that taser. I'm going to suck my head for a second. Tase him. Tase him. Tase him. No, no. Tase him.

Get him. Tase him. Tase him. There's no more tasing. Tase him. Do it. I fucking love tasing. Oh, my God.

It's the bit. You can't have the taser. I have it. Did you see the video of the girl tasing her pussy? Yes, we already went through all this. You know she did that too long and then she ended up in the hospital? For what? Pussy?

Tasing her pussy too long? It like short-circuited her brain? Yeah, that's what I'm scared of. Not just by like a... It honestly feels like a tattoo needle. I know, I know, I did it. I felt it. Yeah, but you gotta do. I know. I know. I did it. I felt it.

Yeah, but you got to do it for longer. I really nailed it on there. Pussy. You did not. You fucking pussy. Yeah, you fucking bitch. Yeah, I did. You saw the little white marks?

You little pussy bitch. She won't. No. You already scrambled enough. Oh, stop testing it and just do it. Stop. Why does it die every time I try? That's because you're giving it a bunch of fucking run around.

Son of a bitch. Oh, no. Whoa. Just turn it off. Yeah, it's because when it's plugged in, it's... All right, just charge it again. And this time, no rigmarole. Just do it. You gotta stop.

You gotta... You did... You gotta hold it, man. Are we recording? No, I know. I'm kidding. What the fuck's her problem? You're not even peeing.

You're watching. What are you doing? What are you's her problem? You're not even peeing. You're watching. What are you doing? What are you, calling Adam? That's funny. Oh, my God. Ah, my leg hurts. Yeah, it's going to hurt. I wonder if you took your hair off with that.

That would be pretty cool. Hmm? Yeah. Dude, tase your face. Yeah. Not my money maker. Okay. You gotta tase yourself. We've done it. You gotta do it. I don't have to do anything. My ears are feeling flush.

Yeah, this is why I'm not doing it. No, no. I have COVID. Oh, fuck! We're gonna get demonetized! Jordy! Cut it out! The girl from Jackass tased herself in the tongue. That girl we met. Oh, yeah.

Oh, Rachel. She's great. Rachel Wolfstein. Wilson. Yeah. You got to take. I don't have to do anything that I don't want to do. Could you as a favor to the pod?

No. I mean, well, then take off the slippers. Turn in your slippers. God damn it, say hello. Turn your slippers in your badge. No, I know.

You know what I just realized? What? The podcast is so much more fun without Jordan. Oh, hey. Oh, shit. Oh, shit, shit. She's back.

So, what's going on? What's your favorite color? No more fun. Oh, hey. Oh, shit. Oh, shit, shit. She's back. She's here. She's here. So what's going on? What's your favorite color? No more fun. No more fun. I'm going to tase myself right now. Here we go. Fuck.

No testing. Just go. Don't test it. Just do it. This is being Ian with Jordan. Just do it. Jordan's finally going to get some balls. Ow!

Yes! That's it! Fuck! I felt it in my nutsack. It wasn't even on. No, no, he got me. Oh, fuck. No, no, no.

You got me. No way. Yeah, way. No, no, you got me on the last one. No, you're making it up. Why would I lie? I'm not a liar. I can see it from here if it works or not.

Nice. Ow. I hit my nuts somehow. I hit my nuts somehow. Dude, she got me in the leg. It, like, transferred over. I think my elbow hit my balls. Ethan, play it back.

You did get me. You got me. But don't worry. Nobody finances a finance. You gonna get me You got me But don't worry Nobody finances a finance You gon' get got You gon' get got You gon' get got I didn't

It was off When I hit the button It was off It's stay away from me I didn't tase you with it on You did It did I felt it

I'm not a liar How was that possible if it was off? I think you're a You Play it on. You did. It did. I felt it. I'm not a liar. How was that possible if it was off? I think you're a... You... Play it back. Play, honestly, play it back. I think you're a... We haven't even gotten to the funny farms or whatever the fuck.

I don't know, whatever the... I don't know, dude. I'm losing my mind. This is a funny farm. The patients are running the asylum. You gotta touch the TV. We haven't even gotten to the funny farm. You know what I'm talking about.

An old, demented man. We haven't even gotten to the funny farm yet. Why did you crawl? So I didn't get in front of the camera, you unprofessional bitch. God, my legs are hurting. You scurried.

You scurried under there like that's how you typically walk around. Didn't you ever walk around? You ever run up the steps on all floors? It's so funny. Get off your phone, man. Oh, my God. I don't even want to watch it. I'm a bisexual sapien. You didn't even process. I don't even want to watch this, actually. Okay. We shouldn't watch it. We shouldn't watch it. Are we just going to watch this?

No, they're going to watch it. Who? No, we're going to watch to see if you got shocked in the leg. Yes. What else did you think we're going to watch? The Funny Farm. Happy Tree Friends. What's the Funny Farm, man?

Happy Tree Friends. Happy Tree... Animal Friends. Oh, the thing you mentioned an hour ago for five seconds? It was up. It was up.

It was not up. It's right there. It's in the corner. You're in a fever dream right there. Oh, Happy Tree Friends. All right, let's watch it. You've never seen this before?

I've never seen this. This is 21 minutes long. Well, we don't have the dumbest shit I've ever seen. You haven't even started it. It started, dipshit. Fast forward. Wow, they're on a seesaw. Get to the real shit.

Whoa. What do you know? There's a moose. Crazy. No, no, no. Don't get to the real shit. Now that he's narrating it like this. Oh, what do you know? Tin cans. Let's talk.ose. Crazy. No, no, no. Don't get to the real shit. Now that he's narrating it like this. Oh, what do you know?

Tin cans. Let's talk. Oh, boy. What's Mr. Moose have to say? Yeah. I'm a rabbit. Wow. He's got something in his ear.

Let's talk. This is the dumbest shit ever. And it explains so much about both of you. Hello. I'm a fucking gay moose. He can't really hear him. shit ever and it explains so much about both of you. Hello! I'm a fucking gay moose! He can't really hear him. Get further back, he says. He better have fallen on a stick.

Oh, he hit his head. Where is the can? Where could the can be? Oh, it's in his butt. It's stuck in his asshole. It's stuck in his asshole. He better hear him fart. If he doesn't hear him fart, this is the dumbest shit ever. Oh, wow.

The rabbit got burned. Oh, wow. Let me guess. He's going to get burned in the face. This is pedantic, childish. Well, I thought it was going to be a lot better than that. That one was bad. Yeah, that was bad.

They're usually really fucked up. Yeah, they're more fucked up. Oh, here, try this one. Have I or have I not said, Ian is right seven out of ten times. Jordy? You said it. Is it true?

I'll tase that fucking beard off your face. Wait, why did they tame down Happy Tree Friends? I don't think they tamed it down. I just think we were kids. I'm going to blame everyone but me on this one. I thought it was way more fucked up. They used to be really fucked up. Yeah, I thought it was way more fucked up. Let's take this off. I don't want to. Yeah, turn

this off. This is the dumbest shit I've ever seen. It's like trying to be itchy and scratchy in like a cute way and it sucks and why are kids watching this? You're judging it by five, not even two minutes in. No, I think that the older ones are way more fucked up. I remember their skin coming off all the time and being really nasty. Dude, I think you just did acid and watched for two.

It was nasty, and in another world, you would have loved it. Well, we ain't in another world. We're in this world, and I hate it. Oh, here we go. Okay, here we go. Let's see. Wasn't even on. Listen, rewind it.

Why did I feel it in my leg? Because why did I feel it in? Why did I feel it in my body then because you got scared no what I didn't hit the button you did I wouldn't hit the button this isn't. No. I wouldn't hit the button.

I'm not. This isn't a happy friend time thing where I'm misremembering. I was tased. Well, okay, this is what could have happened. I didn't hit the button because I wouldn't do that, but I do think that maybe there was like residual charge or something. Sure. That's the best you're going to get.

I'm telling you, I felt it in my fucking leg, and there's nothing any of you two-bit losers can do to convince me otherwise. You hear me? Hey, maybe you did feel it. Maybe you didn't, but it wasn't on. Do it again. The studio looks great. I know, right?

Yeah. This is really great. Can we just have a moment of gratitude? Good job, guys. Thank you. This poster thing looks like a caricature of Brendan behind Brendan. Thank you. What?

Jesus, Ethan. Why isn't there any like women in here? Yeah, let's get some hoes, dude. Why aren't there any ladies in here? Where the hoes at? Dude, what if we hired chicks to come down here and just be our friends?

No, they're gross. Women are disgusting. Hold on. What? What? What if we just hired women to be our friends? Yeah. Ah.

All right, tase me for real then, since you all think I'm fucking lying. Yeah. I ain't a lying. Tase him for real. I can't tase my friend. You can tase him. I don't want to do that. I just don't want to get up.

I don't want him to tase me later up I don't want him to Tase me later I don't want that Tase me later Good name for Yeah A band Yeah Hi we're Tase me later

We're from fucking Michigan Tase you later gator I'm telling you I'm from Ferguson Missouri I'm sweating Maybe you're sweating Because you're jumping up and down

And you're smoking 17 Crawling on all fours Faster than I've ever seen a man crawl in my life. I'll concede that to you. You can have that one. I was running around. Yeah. And you know what? I'll also give you one more. So what?

I'll let you have that and I'll give you one more. Don't. God, they're so bad. No. Do they smell bad? Yeah, they smell really bad. They smell like... Smells good.

I totally get that. I love my own take. Smell. Oh, my God. Man, I was farting like a beast this morning. Really? Yeah, I had Chinese food last night. Gross.

It was literally like hot fart. You don't like Chinese food? Yeah, like seeping. Like seeping. Was that a horse? That was a... Was that a haunted house door opening? That was the sound of Jordan's pussy after not getting laid for so long. That was the sound the hooker's pussy made when she passed out.

She walked back up. Got her back up. What if she didn't? Yeah. What's your plan there? Call the cops? Call me. The plan is we're fucking doing this podcast through a fucking plastic barrier in jail.

Yeah. Oh, God! See? Get me. You got to touch him first and then press the button. You won't get me for getting you? I promise you I won't Charge it

Charge it Charge it I love how these little monkeys are taking out their phones Every time someone touches a taser Fuck me Young Ethan's correct Young Ethan got a girl's number last night Nice Call her right now Put it in the holes Young Ethan's correct Young Ethan got a girl's number last night Nice

Call her right now Put it in the holes Yeah I heard that one before Am I right? Oh curse Young Ethan Tell us about this girl Yeah dude

Tell us about this chick How'd you meet her? What's her name? Met her at the club The club? The club New York Comedy Club Her name is Esty Stand up on the spot What's her name? Better at the club. The club? The club. The club.

Okay. New York comedy club. Her name is Esty. Stand up on the spot. Shout out Jeremiah from the other week's episode. Great time. Oh, Jeremiah's going to be on our show too this week. Mine. Bye guys too.

Whoa. Thursday. Guy's doing his little rounds. You want to come? Thursday? Yeah. I might be doing something, but I'll check later. Probably not. It's too small of a room. No, that was studio, but I'll check later. Probably not.

It's too small of a room. No, that was Studio B. We're usually in Studio A. Oh, I was in Studio B. Don't do that. Okay. Young Ethan, like, once he met a girl. Can I hold that for a second?

But his approach was, like, very, just ask for a sip. I'll give you a sip, but don't lie to me. Don't deceive him. Yeah. Oh, deceive him. Yeah. Oh, little lips. Okay. Young Ethan Young Ethan's talking to this girl and he goes you know, I'm an editor. I'd love to edit my dick in your ass. And I was like, Ethan

please. Was she an audience member? Yes, she was an audience member. Oh yeah. The only reason I got her number was because Ian was standing behind her going. Yeah, yeah. I was standing behind her going yeah yeah I was standing behind her going I hate that he needed a little booze what'd you say?

why? hold on I know that it's on me and it's fun that your friends are encouraging you to get your fucking dick wet he wasn't gonna do it I'm not like hey fuck this bitch I'm like hey meet a gal he's moving to the city it's a me personal thing.

Yeah, it is. It is. Yes, it is. Where if I'm like at a club, if I'm at the club and my friends are going like, doctor, doctor. I'm like, fuck you guys. Fuck all this. I hate this. Yeah.

I'm in control of it. Because it's a comedy club. I know. Wasn't it like a. Why are you getting defensive? I'm saying it's a me problem. Look, man, life's different since I've been tased.

Something happened in my brain. In a post-tase world I'm really jacked up. How did you get her number? You said can I have your number? When it happens to Ian it's called gazed. How did you get her number? Nice! No. So she came over to you. You weren't even on stage.

That's cool. I was not on stage. You were just a hot guy in the building. I was just there. And then she came up to me and we started talking. And then she said that that was like her first show that she ever went to. Sure. Please, ignore these animals.

These tree farms. Flys in the space jam. These tree farms. Flies in the space jam. It's great. Whimpers. Whimpers in the hole. What is that? It's a red eye. Cocaine.

Oh, it's a red eye. Wow. Yeah, I'm jacked up. Ray Ray was up till 5 a.m. with my cat. Got some Yeah, I'm jacked up, baby. Was up till 5 a.m. with my cat. Got some sleep and I'm ready to go. So, okay. We're so happy to have company.

We never have anyone over. Can you stay? Okay. Okay, hold on. Let's shift gears. Get back to boring. Yeah, I realized how boring it was. I was like, you know what?

Whatever. You're Byron Allen and young Ethan. Nobody even knows what this freedom looks like. You don't like the airport, huh? Why don't you go off on that? Well, she never texted me back anyway. Yeah, because you gave her a stale text. You're like, oh, this is Ethan. I met you last night.

Call her from the pod. Call her from the pod. Call her from the pod. Call her. Call her. Do you think there's a chance with this girl? Hey, call me FedEx because I'm here with a package. And guess what, baby?

You got to sign for it. Call me UPS because I'm going to be in your pussy. Call me to postal service because rain, shine, sleet, or snow. I'm coming. I was going to try and not laugh to make you funny. I'm coming.

I'm trying to think of one. I'm just calculating every sort of mail delivery system call me Amazon because I want to put my Jeff in your basement call her from the pod can I call her? call me email because I won't stop annoying you

tease me yes why are we going to call this poor girl Call me email because I won't stop annoying you. Chase me. Yes. Yes. Why are we going to call this poor girl? Okay. What are we, impractical jokers here? Oh, my God. I'll call and I'll say it's the wrong number.

What? Why? To hear her voice. You just want to hear her voice? She wasn't really my type. She was a stale white. What do you think? I like spicy women.

You and Jeffrey Asmus. Yeah, this one was really more of just like Wonder Bread. And he's looking for some pita. Whole wheat, if you will. Tortilla chips. He's looking for a... Yeah, I don't think we should call her in the pod She's a stranger

We're not asking her permission Anyway Oh Feeny's having a baby Already did Best picture ever that he's posted Best picture in comedy The despair in his eyes on his Instagram Oh that is funny

It's beautiful He looks like he's like, what have I gotten myself into? I'm going to have to stay up late all the time. How's it going? Have you met him? Have you touched him? Have you held him? What's his name? I can't wait to meet him. Don't say his name on the podcast. I haven't done

any of that shit. I haven't met the kid. I just bought him from the baby registry. I was thinking about buying him. You bought him? You bought the kid? Wow, you move quick. They put the kid from the baby registry. I was thinking about buying my... You bought him? No, I bought the kid. I bought the kid, yeah. Wow, you move quick. They put the kid on the baby registry. I think it was an error, but I snagged it.

You know when gas stations do that by accident? We charge it a nickel. Wayfair, with a code, you get $500 worth of stuff. Yeah. No, I haven't gone over to see the kid. Why? I can't wait to see him. I hope he brings him to the cellar.

I'm sure he will. Because I don't really go anywhere else. I want a baby in a bear outfit. You want a baby? I saw a baby in a bear outfit on Halloween, and it changed my life. You were pretty motherly when Racine had his kid here. Oh, Ben, my little baby. Dude, all my friends that have kids, their kids love me, and it's so nice.

And then I'm so glad I get to go away. Yeah, same, dude. Being an aunt rules. Later, bitch. Yeah, yeah. Did you say aunt or aunt? Aunt. But I should have said aunt.

I said aunt when I was little. I still say aunt. And then older, I say aunt. Because now if you say aunt, people are like, what? little. I still say aunt. And then like older, I say aunt, because now if you say aunt, people are like, what? Yeah. Like I say aunt,

aunt. Aunt, aunt. Aunt, aunt. Aunt, aunt. Aunt.

No, I still say aunt. Do you want to have kids? I don't know. You and Feeny? I think if I, if I had kids right now. His best friend's the same name as his girlfriend.

Everybody would die. What? Yeah, I don't think we'd all survive same name as his girlfriend Everybody would die What? Yeah I don't think we'd all survive Yeah Kid would die I'd kill myself Time would not be kind

To what? I was just quoting a blacklisted song Yeah I was quoting a black lady I met She said Child Time They gonna be kind

Dude I did I did man on the street On Halloween with Homeless Bim, and I went around, and I was in a hot dog costume, and I was, like, going up to people and saying stuff, and I said to this black woman, I go, what are you dressed? You look like you're dressed as someone who's too damn tired

of all this foolishness. What'd she say? Did you ask them their body count? She loved it. Now everybody's doing that, man on the street. But I said something to her. What's your body count? Oh, I said something to a Latina, and I was like, you look like you dressed up as a spicy

mommy. And she goes, you look like you dress up with a dick in your mouth. Nice. I was like, I wish. And you went, oh, you're a fan. Tase them. All right, that's the show. Thank you, guys.

This has been so much fun. Patreon.com slash B and E and pod. We appreciate it. Sign up. We're having fun. You get goodies. Do you want to plug anything? Plug it.

When does it come out? We should put this out next week. Yeah. Sorry. When does it come out? Yeah, listen. Here's the scenario. That's it. My? Yeah, listen, here's the scenario. That's it.

My name is Brendan Sagalow. Taser! What do I got? This is coming out after Philly, right? Thanks, everyone, for coming out. December 2nd to 3rd, Comedy Works, Saratoga Springs. December 8th, Pittsburgh Improv. Come on out.

Going to be a blast. Let's fill up that room because it's a lot of seats and I don't want you to be lonely. And then that weekend, I'm opening for David Tell. December 9th through 11th, I think. But December 8th, there's a headline in Pittsburgh Improv. And then, yeah. Okay, that's it.

That's all you get. Oh, there's my website. Upcoming shows for Jordan. Oh, thank you. Cap City already happened. Didn's all you get. I got. Oh, there's my website. Upcoming shows for Jordan. Oh, thank you. Cap City already happened. Didn't pay me enough. The Riot comedy show in Houston. Tacoma Comedy Club.

Please have more. Keep going. Wow. The Brokerage Comedy Club. I'm at the Brokerage in February. February 2nd and 3rd. I'm at Arlington Draft House. Oh, now you're back in time.

Oh, I'm running my hour at the New York Comedy Club on the 28th at 7 o'clock. Oh, nice. Yeah. Nice. That's great. I'm doing like a little residency trying to tighten this shit up. Oh, going to put out another album? Yeah, I'm going to put out a special.

Not Now More Than Ever. Oh, yeah. Check out Not Now More Than Ever. Thanks. Bye. But not now. Because you're watching the show. Because you're watching the show.

Or maybe now because the show is over. Bye. But not now. Because you're watching the show. Because you're watching the show. Or maybe now because the show is over. Bye. Bye. Bye.