Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 018: "Baby Fat Face"

Episode Date: November 30, 2022

On today's episode of Bein' Ian with Jordan we talk about interactions with Poopies, turn-ons, and work on their Walken impressions. Fun! For more wild content like this, please sub to our Patreon at www.patreon.com/beinianpod. Follow these bunnies at: Jordan Jensen- @jordanjensenlolstop Ian Fidance- @ianimal69

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt Hey, Ian here. Just want to let you know he means giving it, not getting it.

Okay, thanks. Back to the song. It's a wild ride when you're being Ian, being Ian. And life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a lie. Being Ian, an Ian. Be an Ian. With Jordan.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Shania Twain. Shania Twain. Shania Twain. Man, I feel like a woman.

And I am Happy to be here With you Jordan Dee dee dee Dee dee dee dee dee I missed you For a while Yes It was two days

I was gone For a month And then we Hugged out at Skankfest I was gone September 22nd October 24th You were like

I'm leaving forever And then you text me Like I'm at the cellar tonight I was like what Oh yeah whoops. I did come back for three days of mischief. Speaking of being on the road for a month, November 17th to 19th, I'm headlining Punchline Philly, Philadelphia, Delaware, Jersey.

Come on the fuck out. I got LaMare Lee and John Del Calo opening the show. Gardini, Bartley, Rainey, they're all doing spots. We're all having fun. It's going to be a party. IanFidance.com. Also, Patreon.com slash Beanie and Pod. We appreciate you guys supporting us.

Support. Get the Patreon. Help us out. At some point, I'm in... Where's the comedy attic? Indy. Bloomington. Bloomington. And then I'll be at Seller Vegas at some point. I'm going, where's the comedy attic? Indy. Bloomington. Bloomington.

And then I'll be at Sella Vegas at some point. I'm going to Tacoma, Washington. You're in Sella Vegas for Christmas. I fucked up. Oh, the pool's not open. I might ask her if I can fly home on Christmas, but. What? I just thought there would be something romantic about being there on Christmas.

Like I could miss Christmas, but also it'd be like a David Foster Wallace. Maybe I'll hang myself from a beam in the room. I've had those Christmases. You know what I mean? Yeah. Those are kind of good. Go get Chinese food with Cohen the Jew. Yeah.

I relapsed on Christmas Eve. I relapsed last Halloween, which means it's been a year with no booze. Yes. which means it's been a year with no booze. Yes. I had heard a rumor that if you go to a bar and give them your AA chips, they will give you a drink job. No,

I wish. So I went in and dumped a bunch of coins on the bar and was like, I like to turn these in. I am here to relapse. And the guy was like, nah, man, this is really sad. You got to go home. Is this true? Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, nah, man, this is really sad. You got to go home.

Is this true? Yeah, yeah. And I was like, whatever, man. I got money. And it was Christmas Eve. It was fucking brutal. When was that? 2012.

You brought in? I make pasta. Yeah. Hold on. Let's make it happy now. Well, go ahead there. Is the record player not plugged in? Who's been fucking with my record?

You know what I did? For those listeners that don't know, fucking basement Carl, out of the kindness of my heart, he said, can some of my friends stay? They're comics from Indiana. And I go, Carl, a friend of yours is a friend of mine. No problem. We walked in. It's Hot Topic clearance rack down here. It's greasy sublime shirts.

Dude, I walked in one night. Two drug rogues. First of all, they were smoking weed down here, smoking cigarettes without my permission. I smoked the cigarettes. You don't. And then. A hundred percent. I couldn't agree with you more on that. Yes. And then I come in in I think they were blowing each other Because when I walked in Yeah

They went like this Oh hey Yeah And I was like They were blowing each other What? Margaret Atwood's on the table They were blowing each other

Margaret Atwood The Testaments of Two Queens Yeah Come on now That's a goddamn bisexual Bible right there Speaking of the bisexual Bible I want to speak from the book of Dude Erotomy

play dude rock me dude uh come on me dude uh fuck me and then spend your life with me dude or rot me spoil me rotten with your love i'm looking for a man this has kind of come up a lot recently you look like when there's a dog in the house and a cat comes in like this It's okay. You're saying... Is she mad? Is she mad? You know what it's like when there's a dog in the house and a cat comes in like this? Trying not to acknowledge that there's a cat. Everything's fine. Everything's fine.

Oh, yeah. December 2nd and 3rd, Saratoga Company Works. Saratoga, New York. December 8th. I don't have my dates on me because my phone's upstairs. Pittsburgh Improv. Come on out. You guys got to buy these tickets so that

i could sell well so that the clubs will go oh it is profitable to bring this guy here because they all love me but if you're not fucking buying tickets i don't think i'm selling well in des moines they consolidated and i was like you should lie and say that you're um just make that face and everyone will think you got a slip man a mask on. Big slipknot coming home. Where were we when I kept hearing you? You do that a lot. It's a rubber face. It's not a good face.

That's what that face is. All right, I'll stop. I'll stop. You know that. Have you seen the movie Smile? Stop. Stop. Stop.

That's not cool or fun for me i wish we could pull up the video of me in the hotel room oh my god that was jordy jordy go on my instagram and pop up oh fuck all right it's so scary here it's going to be worth it. Oh, it is worth it. I am green. Worth it? My skin is green. Like you wouldn't believe it's worth it.

When were we in Ohio? Oh, I remember. Was that a tough time for me? What are the darkest photos on your phone? Oh, God. Okay, all right being a sad jordy i'm sending this to you jordan fill in your dates and then i gotta get to the bottom of this record player i can't fill in my dates because i also my i don't have my phone but uh off the top of my head a riot comedy in in november second to last weekend

riot that's in houston i think and then cap city maybe before that that's in november december we have vegas and something else oh my god go to my website thank you oh my god jordy i'm airdropping it now. Oh, there you go, Jordy. Hey. Yo. Oh, also, patreon.com slash beanie and pod. The YouTube, like it, subscribe it, share it. Oh, that's passed. Oh, and our live show.

Our live show. This is going to be out after that. Oh, fuck. You're right. The Red Room, Cap City, Austin, Texas, November 11th and 12th. Thanks for coming out to the live show. The Riot Comedy Show, Houston, Texas, November 11th and 12th. Thanks for coming out to the live show. The Riot Comedy Show, Houston, Texas, November 18th, 19th. Tacoma Comedy Club, December 8th and 9th and 10th.

And the Brokerage Comedy Club in Belmore, New York, on January 20th and 21st. That was Skipping Cellar Vegas, which is the 19th to the 25th. If you're in Vegas around Christmas, please come see me and give me a hug because I'm going to kill myself on Christmas. I'm going to die on Christmas Day from the Rio balcony.

Oh, speaking of Rio, you were with me on the phone. No, please. I don't like this story. Nothing happened. He lies. Everything's good. Scott, Scott, Scott. Jordy, I'm waiting for you to join the airdrop. Well, then email it to yourself.

You're hitting the button again. Jordy. Jordy, I'm pushing the button, Jordy. We got the record player out. Wait, what story don't you like? You saying that you won a bunch of money in Vegas. I did. You didn't. You won some money and you lost

a bunch of money. And you're a liar. But on the one ticket I got, it said $982. After you spent $1,200. No. No, I said $982. After you spent $1,200. No, I spent $500. So you made $400.

Plus $300 that I won with a tip. $300 is how much he gave you, not how much you won. No, he gave me $200. I gave him $100 back and then I got $300. $300. Yo, your smile thing, I have it here.

Is it working? It's loading up. Just you trying to deal with the fact that something here, you want there. Jordy! Here! There! What don't you get? You get anything here, and then you go, poof, there. What don't you get? You get a thing here, and then you go, poof, there.

And then you go on TV, and you make it over there, man. You're going, I have it here. Oh, dude, I went and saw Smile. Have you seen it? Yeah. Dude, I went and saw that with Shane. Oh, stop, stop, stop, man. Stop.

Stop. Dude, you stop. Can I just tell you that I've been doing this since like sixth grade, scaring people, like hiding. I would hide in cupboards and they'd open the cupboard and I'd be making that face. Cool, man. Great. I just want you to know that it's us with you who's been traumatized.

I don't know how you can do that face. I can't see it. I don't do it in the mirror. I do it all the time in the mirror. I do it all the time in the mirror. I do it all the time in the mirror. Jordan, I'm sending this to you now. Jamaican pasta.

ETA, 30 seconds. You and Sagalow were here making those faces together, and it just really grossed me out. When he does it, he looks like a happy little Grinch. When I do it, I look like a maniacal triangle face. You look like a makeup effects department spent hours mutating a face i have a rubber face dude shane we were watching smile and i look over and he was going dude and it scared the fuck out of me i would have lost and then i went to the bathroom and he when i opened the

stall door was behind me making that smile and i went no stop and there were other men in the bathroom and I was like sorry we're just rebel ralston there was other men and a little lady in the bathroom and I was the lady yes with your big pussy we had a great halloween last night where I wore your disgusting hot dog outfit on stage you set me up for a solid two minute bomb, but then I saved it. Yes, but it was not my disgusting hot dog outfit. It was DeStefano's,

Chris DeStefano's disgusting hot dog outfit. So DeRosa had a separate one? No, DeRosa wore that one. And then he was done with it. He wore it on Taste Buds. And then Chrissy wore it on like good day new york or whatever and derosa got mad thinking that he stole it from derosa like stole his idea to be a hot dog and then i wore it and pissed derosa off even more that it was then it wasn't used by someone else and then you used it

so it's three different people oh Oh, here's the video. Volume, Jordy, volume. Help, there's a gremlin. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Are people able to see this on the podcast? Yeah. Can you play it?

Oh, my God. Is it sound going to work? Here. What are you doing? Help, there's a gremlin. Oh, how did I? Why is my face green? Sound going to work? Here. What are you doing? Help! Oh, how did I? Why is my face green? At one point, you kind of look cute.

Like, you're like, hey. And then, oh, she's cute. And then, look. No! The other thing that they can't hear is my nails were long, so I clacked the wall really well. That's on those videos you see of someone being like, oh, it's a spider. Whoa, look. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it goes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those fucked me up, dude. Whoa. Did I get rid of that cigarette? Oh, it's still burning over here. Oh, whoa. I flew the cigarette. Sorry.

How did you do that? Magic. That was crazy. Yeah. Ever get out of the house is on fire. How did you do that? Magic. That's crazy. Yeah. Ever get out of the house is on fire. How did you, when did you put it over there? I don't know. I think I blacked out.

Yeah, me too. I don't know what just happened. That's crazy. Really? I think it's been over there for a while. No, there'd be a burn mark. Okay. So, update.

You won some money in Vegas. Yes. And you were on the phone with me when I was winning continually. And you called me a thousand times. I have a screenshot of all your missed calls. It's crazy. Yeah, I was kind of losing it in Vegas. Yeah, understood.

Way too many days. How many days was it? I was there for 10. Skankfest and then Cellar Vegas. Dude, somebody, yeah. Somebody was like, don't do it when I was talking about doing both and i could have done it if you were there but it was like well you were supposed to i mean remember the last night of skank fest where we were we were hysterically laughing and screaming this is what happened this happened okay oh my god everybody

got broken first of all lev had killed a dealer oh Lev Furr sits down to play high stakes poker. And the dealer goes. Third night until 6 a.m. How are the tables tonight? And the guy goes. And just stop like that. And instead of Lev going, oh, my God, are you all right? He goes, I got to find another table.

And just move tables. Okay. So EMTs are coming in yes and then and then all of our friends are zombies running up to us frothering as atel would call it at the mouth yes oh we are talking about that too holy shit like drunk you know i'm not gonna name names but coming up just being like we're on so many drugs and then there's other buddies who are you know i mean ryan long i feel like we left him for five minutes and he was like you liar said you were going to bed which is like yeah but we couldn't find our room and then ian's like a celebrity at skank fest so

like all of his fans are coming out of the woodwork and then at one point we're like finally see the elevators and we're so and ian is so such a ham that every fan he has to be like hi i mean yeah nice to meet you it's a picture and we're see the elevator we had just been through a labyrinth of chaos we had seen all of our friends relapsing yeah yeah we had seen a man die literally a guy died fucking somebody's face is falling off other people were like you said you were going to bed and i was eating a five-minute fire you're a liar yeah it's like you you said you were going to bed and now she's a five-minute player. You're a liar. Yeah. It's like, you got to stop the coke. I think I tackled Colm at one point because he had a box he refused to open from somebody.

Remember that? I was like, open the box. He was bringing it around because he's like, oh, somebody gave me a gift. I'm popular. And then as we see the elevators, somebody from like 15 feet behind us goes and we run to the elevator it was the only time the whole festival i saw you dodge a fan even me who had like way less i was still like no no yeah mullin is being like no no you're stopping for 15 minutes everybody and then this last guy. Yeah. It was so good. Yeah.

And on top of that, we did totally get lost at the casino. And that guy followed us and was like, oh, I'm a fan, blah, blah. Hey, thanks, by the way. Cool. And then he acted like he was going that way anyway. And when we turned around, he was like, I have no cover. Yeah. And then just was like, the walls are nice. And then just we turned around he was like i have no cover yeah that just was like the walls are nice and then just like turned around so you check out the walls oh i ran india how do you do

you know oh there was so much of that dude and that night we hung out with poopies from jackass yeah who's skateboarding in the hotel skateboarding rode his go-kart his dog got hurt because he ran his dog over with the go-kart because his dog loves the go-kart yeah loves the go-kart loves the go-kart he also loves sitting in a van with the ac on while he's out being poopies he got married met a girl married her the next day and then this trifling asshole when he was like, can I give you a kiss? She was like, I'm tired.

I was like, she's doing it for the clout. I got so close to banging poopies. I was in his ear. I know, but I wasn't going to watch him be all sad about that girl. You know what I said? I said, he goes, you think she'd hook up? I go, she's not a hook up and leave girl. She's a cuddle and be nice to girl.

Oh, thanks, daddy. If you're in it for that, no. up i go she's not a hook up and leave girl nice she's a cuddle and be nice to girl oh thanks dad you're if you're in it for that no because you know my vagina is sealed over like this this is what my vagina looks like at this point just a hard and it's only blown on by rabbis only put your mouth on this if you're acidic yeah and that's what it sounds like too um shout out poopies he's the fucking man we had fun hanging out dude what a little go-kart was so fun his stories are great we did his podcast we made a van dude he some company gave him a van and he just came here two days before yeah incredible his dog was cute as fuck oh my

god him riding his go-kart holding his dog was like what this is fucking wild what was the dog's name golem gorm gorm grommet go goim it's like a surfer name it's like a grommommie? Gromm. Grommet. Grommet. Yeah. And he has a scar on his hand from getting bitten by a shark. Ooh, and we made him relive it, which was traumatizing. Yes. Very. He really was fucked up by that. I watched a video on his YouTube that he sent me to, and it was... He was fucked up.

Yeah, he was in a bad place. Yeah. I would be too. I thought the jackass, they had it dialed in. I thought they had things ready to, you know what I mean? I thought they had handles and stuff. And we kept asking him, we kept being like,

wait, isn't there a way of, and he was like, no, it was my choice is when the shark, and we were like, no, he probably jumped the gun.

You know, the term jump the shark. What does that mean? It's when a television show jumps the shark as in, it starts being bad. And they call it that because if Fonzie jumped the shark in happy days and that's when the show got bad yep there it was like the moment that they were like happy days is no longer good in that episode what do you mean he jumped he on

his bike he jumped over a shark it's like a stunt he jumps over a shark tank and they were like that was the end of that show was never was never good after that again. Wow. Yeah, I thought, yeah, jump the shark meant like something is no longer good that once was. Yeah. Shout out Mike Early has told me that 10,000 times. And I've never heard the phrase jump the shark, but I've heard him tell me that. I thought it was jump the ship. No, jump ship means bail.

That means quit. So once something jumps the shark, you better jump ship. Dude, my buddy the other day, I said, I kind of phoned it in. That's what I said. I was like, I phoned it in. And she goes, what do you mean phoned what in? And I was like, like I phoned it in. And she's like, I don't know what that means.

That crazy. Dude, I think at some point we are going to get rid of handwriting. Why would you say that right now? Because that's an old phrase that nobody in the age younger than us knows. So like all these old phrases. There's still going to be hipsters. Hipsters will always write on paper. Dying breed.

It's going to be emojis is hieroglyphics. Oh, I see what you mean. Nobody knows cursive anymore. They don't teach cursive in school. They don't teach cursive in schools. It's just your signature and that's it. They don't teach cursive. I'm so good at cursive.

People don't even write things down. And when they do. Oh, I bet you dotted your eyes with hearts. No, I was with. Skulls. Yeah, but you were a fat girl. That's what all fat girls say. No, they're just good at cursive.

Ugly on the outside, beautiful on the paper. On paper, she's beautiful. But in real life good god almighty yeah that's why you would learn to write your name beautiful i'm not but jordan is one of my buddies wow i didn't know you could read fat dude total one of my buddies left a note on my car being like if you know you could read fat. Dude, one of my buddies left a note on my car being like, if you don't move your truck, I'm going to have it towed as a bit. And I brought it into her and I was like, I know you wrote this because you used to be a fat girl and this is incursive.

Dude, I'm going through every note. No, no, no. Some hot girls have good handwriting. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just also fat girls. Dude, a girl with good handwriting turns me on. You don't know that. You just thought of a woman and then it turned you on.

Yes. Yep. You nailed it. You just went through lists of people that you fuck and then asked yourself if they had good handwriting and found yourself slightly aroused and then attributed it to the handwriting. I'm going to jerk off to some notes.

Wait, I got turned on by the weirdest thing the other day. It was like a toolbox or something. No, it wasn't. It was something else. It was weird. Oh, your ex-boyfriend? It was the... I was thinking about that.

What do you think about this as a bit? I keep going back with my ex because it's like a controlled forest fire. I know it's going to burn, but... But I want to be in charge. Well, I was going to say, but I'm going to decide. But I'm going to decide. So it's like a controlled demolition. No, you know how they do forest fires on purpose?

It's going to crumble. Oh, the building's going down. The building's going down. It's going to crumble. But I'm going to make sure he's inside. But I'm going to be the one pressing the button. Okay, the building's going down. The building's going down. It's going to crumble. But I'm going to be the one pressing the button. Okay, pressing the button. While he goes in, I say, I left some fat handwriting notes for you. Go on inside the

building and check it out. Then I'm going to Tower 7 that shit. Even this girl yesterday at the cellar, an audience member, I was like, why'd you break up? And she was like, admit that my tags were good. Good tags. I'm going to push the button. Yeah. This girl at the cellar, she was like, why'd you break up? And she was like, Admit that my tags were good. Good tags. I'm going to push the button.

Yeah. This girl at the cellar, she was like, I was like, why'd you break up? And she was like, because he posted new, he updated his hinge. And I was like,

how long were you together? And she was like three months. And I was like, yeah, well, he's probably doing the last like hurrah before he locks it up with you. And even me just, I was like justifying this woman being with this man because of.

Wait, he was, if they were together, why was he on hinge? being with this man because of... Wait. He was... If they were together, why was he on hinge? That's why she broke up with him. That's smart. I know, but I was like, it's fine. He just was banging it out a few times before he... That's how, like... Damaged you were?

Damaged I am, yeah. Oh, speaking of the cellar, I roasted Selena Gomez. Oh, yeah? What happened? Well... Speaking of... I roasted Selena Gomez. Oh, yeah. What happened? Well, speaking of, it wasn't at the cellar. It was somewhere else. And she.

And it wasn't Selena Gomez. It was Hans Christian Andersen. I was like, is anybody going through a breakup? And she was like. And I was like, asking her about it. And then she was like, they got. He married a reject. And I was like, well, first married a reject and i was like well

first of all you're not going through a breakup if you got married to somebody that must have been she was like it was two months ago and i was like all right for also can we talk about reject i was like that is the craziest word to you reject is something that i wanted to like be when i was a ball goth i have not heard that word since like 2003 you're a reject and i was like it's also the cleanest way of saying the meanest thing it's like being like he married an orphan you know what i mean and i really went in on her and i was like also in this situation you are undeniably the reject and everybody's like and i left and they were like that was selena gomez no way no way i don't believe that.

You can ask the staff at all. Where? People were freaking out. At what club? Oh. Yeah. Really? Why?

Someone like that, that would be on page six. Dude. I was. What night? Your mom. Monday. You are right. I was there Monday monday wait what day is it today wednesday tuesday tuesday okay so it was i'm running i was there all weekend dude it must have been saturday really yeah dude i was looking at a picture i bet she's got good

handwriting i bet she does with a little chipmunk face oh my god i was looking at a picture. I bet she's got good handwriting. I bet she does with a little chipmunk face. Oh, my God. I was looking at her picture. Oh, look at her little bikini. Stop. Hey. Baby fat face. What's happening?

What? We didn't sleep much last night because we did Jim and Andy. That's how it's called. Jim and Sam. Jim and Sam. Did Jim and Sam this morning. Very fun. That's where I got this shirt.

Keep on skanking. Suicide machine shirt. You make pasta. Isn't that That's where I got this shirt. Keep on skanking. Suicide machine shirt. You make pasta. Isn't that great? Travis got it for me. That was so nice. And then afterwards, Jordan and I got ramen. I got myself a little treat. Because I went to the

Midtown New York Firefighter Store. Wow, that's good. Yes. That's good. You're not one of those, but. And I talked to a firefighter and I went on the truck and I took video and picture and I was playing with the hose. I love firefighting.

Anyway, I talked to this guy, Ed, and he was like, well, what are you doing in the city? And I was like, I live here. And he goes, well, what do you do for work? I said, I'm a stand-up comic. He goes, you know, that is the toughest job in the world. And I go, you're a New York City firefighter. What are you talking about? Interesting.

I wonder if he says that to everybody so that they then say to him, no, your job is. No, Ed didn't seem like that kind of guy. Ed seemed like a real good guy. His wife was a rockette. Really? What happened to her? She died.

Oh. That's just good. She's just not a rockette anymore. She's a rockette. She was a rockette, and she helped choreograph dances for Christopher Walken. He danced? Have you not seen the Fatboy Slim video? Two mice. Two mice fell into a bucket of milk.

One of the mice grabbed on the other mouse and said, I'm going to ride you out of this bucket. Okay, Jordan, as Christopher Walken, tell us about your recent date. I went out with a guy. He is a comedy adjacent and he was a bit of an alcoholic. It was weird. Now you just sound like you're some sort of stripper DJ. That's the voice you've bumped into.

He was an alcoholic. Here, Christopher Walken, ready? Christopher Walken doing the census. I'm wondering, are you Filipino? He drank six Negronis before the end of the night. I would do the same if I had to deal with you. I agree. I was saying, keep going.

It's only going to get worse from here. A man. A man. No. I've never felt more paralyzed in my body than just now. A man. A man. A man.

What? a man that was so what it was like an explosion a man what just happened I can't hold on Chris we're walking it was like you were sitting over there and being like just do it just say the word man

man man man man the battleships man that show jumped the shark two mice it helps if you say mice two mice two mice two mice hold on how's he talk Hold on, hold on. I can do it. I can do it. This watch was in a man's ass. Oh, my God.

I did see this. It's so good. Is this the song? Dude, he's the coolest. A man. What do you mean murder thing? That shit happens. What's that mean murder thing? Natalie Wood using a boat when he saw Wagner. That shit happens. What's that mean?

Geordi's like 80. So this is something that happened in like 1972. It is before I was born. Mike? Walk-in and Robert Wagner, who was married to Natalie Wood at the time. Robert Wagner in Austin Powers. Austin Powers, yep. By the way, he doesn't really work anymore.

A man! Because I was talking and I was doing this. And you were just One, two, a man! Okay, okay. Anyway, they killed her. Who?

Natalie Wood, the actress. I killed an actress. I threw her off the shock. She jumped into a shock's mouth. You're so bad. Can you do vocal fry? Wait, hold on. So wait, tell me.

Why are you touching that? Because somebody left fucking weed on the table, and I don't like drugs in my house. Fucking basement, Carl. We're going to have a word. Anyway. So Natalie Wood Robert Wagner who was married to Natalie Wood

and Christopher Walken went out on this boat. She doesn't come back. So what happened? They say she drowned. She fell. She fell. She fell. It was like some shady circumstances. They were like pretty on drugs when they got back

in. It didn't look good. Robert Wagner really didn't work much after that. Really? He got away with it. She probably, yeah, I guess you could say Christopher Walken walked away from that one. Yeah, she walked her ass. She walked her ass off that boat. He's walking away from jail.

A story. A woman and a man go on a boat. You're getting so much better. And one doesn't make it back. Damn it, that's a stripper DJ. I think you have to go, hi. I think you have to go, hi. Hi, I'm Christopher Walken.

You have to imagine him. Can you picture him? What he's talking? He's talking to Leonardo DiCaprio in the movie. Catch me if you can. This watch. Good job. Was given to me by a man. Yes.

Who was your father. I can't do it. I can't do it. All right. I can't do it. Who was your father? He was little baby's father, boy. And you are going to go for it.

You just started Good Will Hunting by getting under hypnosis, and then he touched my penis, and we can make a lot of love, and when the sun goes down... Do you remember that part? Remember when he's being hypnotized? Oh, and he's faking it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I'll admit. I can't do a walk-in. But you know who I can do? How you doing, Rocky? Ooh. Adrian. Wow.

Adrian. I got another fight in me, Adrian. You could do Andrew Dice Clay then, too. Cut me. Hey, ho. Hickory dickory dock. This bitch was sucking my cock. The clock struck two.

She swallowed my goo. And I made her get a cab home or something. Welcome to giving up with Ian and Jordan. This is a good one where he goes, Little Miss Muffet sat in a tuffet eating a curds and whey. Down came a spider and sat down beside her and said, What's in the bowl, bitch? That's amazing.

It's amazing. What's in the bowl bitch incredible so good the clock struck two she swallowed my goo so um we need to make an announcement about something you announced on the pod? Well, there was a little bit of an issue when I said that my dad's widow, whom I didn't name, might have killed my father. We just want to go on the record

and say she didn't kill her father. I would like to go on the record and say it's unclear to me. Nope. It's unclear where my father's death arrived and where the widow was when it arrived. But what is certain is I received a, frankly, inappropriate voicemail saying, Jordan, my son has been telling me things about your podcast,

one of which being that you claim I killed your daddy. I would like if you would not do that. And what I did is I screen recorded the voicemail and sent it immediately to Ian Fidanzi. And I said, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello. And also I'd like to add And I said, L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O. And also I'd like to add that you certainly followed it up with

oopsie poopsie. You know, when you accuse your ex-stepmother of murdering your father, it's a simple oopsie poopsie. And if this said person didn't want me to think that she hath murdered my father, maybe she shouldn't have sold all of his things so rapidly upon his death. Things I could have used such as his circular saws and such. Also, I don't have anything more to say about it. I don't have anything more to say about it.

But if you're watching this and you're offended that not only have I not removed the part in which I say that you killed my father, but I, in fact, have now talked about you saying to remove the part about killing my father, then I will tell you to, frankly, fuck off. Fuck off! You heard Lady Jensen.

Fuck off! You receive lots of money and as well as the house as me and him had built together. So the least I can do is talk about you in a British accent on my platform where I give up far too much sensitive information which is my right. So, I have

a urinary tract infection currently and my father's widow possibly could have killed him. And those are the facts of the day. This has been Facts of the day with Lady Jensen. We need to sleep. We have to sleep.

I'm so tired. I'm so tired. And my friend just died. Yeah, my friend died. My friend died. Our buddy died. Oh, God. R.I.P. Steve.

Big Steve King, you're the fucking man. Dude, he is the man. He was the nicest, and he always protected us. He protected us. He made us feel safe when people were crazy at the cellar. And, man. I know I was thinking about riding my motorcycle there today and how excited he would get whenever I brought the motorcycle, and he'd be like, hey, Jordan, you're riding the motorcycle.

And I'd be like, yep. Every time. He'd get so stoked. And if I didn't have it, he'd be like, where's the motorcycle? I know, like, I, whatever, we'll probably have to edit this, but. Why? Did you know how he died? I think peacefully in his sleep.

I just found out. What? Your ex-stepmom killed him. Oh. Yep. Sometimes you make me so proud. Sometimes you make me so proud. Oh, God. No, really, rest in peace, Steve King. proud. Sometimes you make me so proud. Oh

God. Really rest in peace Steve King. You were the fucking man. Always had a smile on your face. Always made people around you smile and you were a pleasure to see when we were going to work. We love you. Love you Steve King.

He would think that was really funny. He would have laughed. Probably should have done that at the end of the episode. Is it not the end? How long have we been going? Let's go along. Oh, oh, we wanted to talk about this. Well, we might have to edit that out just because.

No. You don't think? No. You were great. No, say, did your stepmom kill your dad? I don't know. Say no. No is what I'm supposed to say.

Yeah. See? We're fine. We cleared it up. Oh, because we could get sued? Why don't you just say allegedly? Allegedly? Doesn't that protect you if you say allegedly?

I killed him. Yeah. I killed my father. Yeah. See? We're just saying wacky stuff. I went into his house. Yeah. I killed my father. Yeah, see, we're just saying wacky stuff. I went into his house. Yep. And I killed him. Yep.

There you go. You heard it here first, folks. How'd you do it? I spooked him. What, with that fucking face of yours? Yeah. Oh, God, that thing is a nightmare this is how he died this is how he died in reality the truth is this is how he died

i'm being the man no you're a cool guy well I'd be honored. Red. Sweating from coughing. Tears coming out of your eyes. What, from being the coolest dude on earth? Being a guy. Being a guy. Kids look up to.

Totally is a guy who invited first to the party. How do we get you to quit? We have to get you to quit. Or at least reduce. I know. Reduce, reuse, who's who's that my head you were a tell who smokes more him him definitely him really oh speaking of dude in vegas so it was that the last night no it was the second to last night we spent the whole night with the tellerth, which is my dad's death anniversary. That's right. And wasn't that such a nice way to spend it?

Yes. Yeah. It was the best. Yeah. Dave is the man. He's the best. Oh, he was making me laugh so hard. We recorded the podcast and then we went out and we went and ate with Bobby and Ari and

Vecchione. Oh, where and which? Did I talk about this on the podcast? No, but keep saying British type things. Ari goes up to the counter and he's like, is there any way I could get a burger? And they're like, we don't have a burger.

And he's like, I just saw somebody walking around with a burger. And they were like, that's not possible. There's like a brisket that we can put on a bun. And he was like, that's not what I saw. And it went on for like seven minutes. And I knew this because I was right behind him on a bun. And he was like, that's not what I saw. And they were, it went on for like seven minutes. And I knew this because I was right behind him trying to order. And I was like,

Jesus Christ. Okay. And then we go and sit down. They bring him his matzo ball soup and everything, but a burger. And then David tell comes in, sits down and they bring him just a burger, 12 ounce,

big old fatty burger. That he ate. And then we went to a different burger place and got for him to get another burger he put the food down in front of me and ian and whoever else was it mike vecchione and we start opening it and eating it and eating it and the guy at the counter goes hey that's not your food and david tell looks at the man and goes but they're eating it happily and it there is nothing more true than that we were eating it happily he looked over and i had like an onion ring out of the box and he's

like and i was like i had an onion ring in my mouth uh vanilla milkshake that he got us two milkshakes yeah yeah yeah it was incredible and then we played blackjack and then we were outside angry dealer walking around and some drunk guy came up to us and started yelling at jordan you're 22 and i was like yes and he goes you're the reason why music's bad you're the reason why music's bad you ruin music and i hide behind dave because the meekest man in the world because ian said later of course you hid behind him he shaped like a painting true and dave and then after the man leaves dave goes it was good that you hid behind me that guy was starting to frother because he had spit in the corners of his mouth and it's the best it's the best he did not blink

twice that man was starting to frother and it flo floored my ass. And he kept being like, it's because we keep hiding in this Helen Keller corner. Not Helen Keller. Anne Frank. Anne Frank corner. Because we're in the Anne Frank corner. We're in this little enclave where people kept sneaking up on us. Everybody would turn the corner and then just take out whatever had been nailing them. Aggression, whatever they lost.

They would turn and be like, thank God you're here. I hate my mother. Yeah. It was mother. Yeah. It was crazy. And then we just, and then we just listened to Dave roast every person as we walked by. It's the best. He's the best.

Everywhere we go on the road, we just sit and people watch and it's so fun making fun of everyone. And the later we stay out at night, chain smoking, even just in front of a hotel, we meet the biggest weirdos and it's so fun he's the best isn't he yeah i'm team mattel always i'm team mattel yes who wouldn't be he's incredible he's a man he has become such a dear wonderful friend i'm so grateful for him

in my life he was saying funny shit on the episode you'll see it's on the patreon so funny yeah yeah yeah yeah and then when he brought me up on stage at the end of skank fest it was so fun that was great yeah yeah just the way he does the thing where he's like well ian you're a small boy looking for hope you know like that thing where it's like so jordan you've been a horse girl since you can remember. Yeah. Yeah. It was fucking great. What do you call it? What do those hands mean?

Oh, we're at 45. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. Well, we have to end it because we have to do the other one, right? Yeah, we're doing another one. Wait, was there anything else we had to talk about?

Oh, yeah. Oh, cousin. My cousin. Oh Yeah, we're doing another one. Wait, was there anything else we had to talk about? Oh, yeah. Oh, cousin. My cousin. Oh, who we're going to have on? Yeah, we want to have my cousin Sherry on the podcast. Did you meet cousin Sherry? Dude. Cousin Sherry.

Cousin Sherry is, you know when you have a relative that's not really a relative? It's because your parents, it's their best friend's their best friends kids yeah you're poor I was trying to write a bit about this about how if you're poor you always have these aunts and uncles that aren't yours but also it's the same if you're rich what yeah because rich kids in New York they'll be like oh we call her my aunt because my mother was would leave me with her while she was

at like while she was performing I mean for me it's like yeah my father called you know said that with my uncle because i was fucking him you know what i mean not but it was like it was like the men who were around you were fucking a guy no no no the my mother would be like this is your uncle roy and you'd be like uncle yeah yeah you said father and i was like who's fucking new here And you'd be like, uncle?

Yeah, yeah. You said father. And I was like, who's fucking who here? But knowing the Jensen family tree, which is we're finding out every episode is just a stump. Well, my godfather is somebody my mom fucked. Cheated on my dad with. And then made him godfather. That's pretty badass.

I accidentally called him today. That's weird that this came up. Really? Yeah. Wait, your mother... Fucked a dude who worked for her. Yes. Then?

Then made him godfather of me and Jamie. When you were... So this was before you were born. How do you make someone a godfather later in life? Someone's your godfather when you get baptized. No, she didn't tell my dad that she had sex with him. She didn't tell him. Hey, you got a new godfather.

She didn't say, Jack, I banged this guy, but he's going to be godfather. She said, we're going to make Roy the godfather. And then later in life, I was like, did you fuck Roy? And she was like, yeah, I fucked Roy. 100%. I fucked Roy. Your dad, she fucked Roy? Yeah.

No, no, no. During my dad. She cheated on my dad with roy and then she was like dad was like who should be the godfather and she was like obviously roy he's around all the time your family lineage would just look like an old lady's varicose veins of just spiders that's how it is when you're poor the cousins on cousins on cousins yeah yeah yeah oh i was shipped off to cousins all the time it was great i loved it but my cousin okay so my dad's best friend clyde and camille uh have kids adam and sherry and they were like my two best friends growing up we always played ghostbusters and it was so much fun and then we you know drifted apart parted ways for a long time and then we you know reconvene later blah blah blah and uh sherry cousin sherry lives in new

york and she is a hardcore butch wigger dyke wow like butch lesbo married to a gal who's the sweetest sherry's the sweetest but dude she is she like to be called that yeah yeah oh she's the one that's like no i'm not a not a lesbian. I'm a tight. Wow, wow, wow. Dude, she is the best. She is the hardest motherfucker in the world. Used to always wear wife beaters and cornrows and everything from a part of Delaware called Claymont, but they're called Claymonsters.

Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's the fucking best, but she is off her rocker. I saw her at the cellar one night. I didn't know she was there. She kept being like, that's my cousin. Oh, wow, wow fucking best, but she is like off her rocker. Like, I saw her at the cellar one night. I didn't know she was there. She kept being like, that's my cousin. Oh, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. And then afterwards, I was like, Sherry, how you doing?

She's like, trying to get this straight pussy. Oh, my God. I'm like, what? She's like, I love turning girls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Didn't you say she started stand-up? Recently, she fucking started stand-up. Oh, I can't wait.

And yeah, yeah, yeah. And our fucking sets are like, I'll tell you about the first time I sucked a long dick. And you're like, Jerry, what the fuck? Anyway, I wanted to do the podcast. Long dick.

Dude. Yeah. She's like, I gave it the glug glug. I'm like, what are you talking about? She came to see me at New York Comedy Club once

and she grabbed Sam Rubino's dick. Oh my God. Oh my God. We have to have her on immediately. She's the best dude. Oh it's gonna be a good one. There was a fight with these women and everyone's like looking and Sherry comes out with a beard on her hand and she's like oh shit the crackhead's popping off

tonight. And everyone looks she's like what's up baby girl you want some? Oh wow wow wow wow. You were fucking nuts. And Sherry of all names. Oh, dude, it's the best. Oh, we gotta have her on. It's the fucking best. That's what you have to look forward to.

She's fucking clean now. She fucking rules, dude. Hell yeah. We gotta have her on and just let her go. Hell yeah. It's fucking nuts. I love it. And I think that that would be great.

I think it would be. Sherry's on the episode. Goodbye and thank you. Patreon.com slash Beanie and Pod. Jordan? I couldn't have said it better myself. It doesn't matter, doesn't matter what you say anymore