Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 019: LIVE at the New York Comedy Club W/ Stuff Island Ft. Mike Recine

Episode Date: December 7, 2022

Disclaimer: We apologize for how Chris sounds during this pod. We had audio issues and did the best we could to save it. We are aware he sounds muffled in spots and better in others but we strive every episode to make improvements and learn from our mistakes.We hope you still enjoy! Ian Fidance and Jordan Jensen bring their hilarious new podcast "Bein Ian with Jordan" to the stage! With their good pals from the "Stuff Island" podcast Tommy Pope and Chris O'Connor. Hosted by the very funny Mike Recine! Thanks for listening! Sub to the Patreon for goodies! https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod Follow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/ Follow Stuff island: https://www.instagram.com/stuff.island/ Subscribe to their Youtube: @stuffisland Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/stuffisland Follow Tommy Pope: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/ Follow Chris OConnor: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/ Follow Mike Recine : https://www.instagram.com/mikerecine/ Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Sub to the Patreon for goodies! https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod Produced by : Jordan Hayman & Ethan Dupree https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/ This Episode Was Edited By : Aaron Toaso

Jordan Jensen and Ian Fidance, everybody. Let them hear it. Whoo! Hi, everybody. Thank you for coming to the live Beat Em with Jordan. I'm Ian Fidance. What are these for?

This is Jordan Jensen. Hello. Hi. I'm very excited. How about it for Mike Racine, everybody? Mike's one of our dearest friends, and I thought why not have Mike come out

and warm everyone up? And I think you were in the bathroom, but he immediately came out, stuttered and was like, you know, Chinese people! And I was like, I couldn't be happier that this is happening. it's good

yeah we're handicapped friendly on this podcast yeah yeah yeah how many of you all ableist and non ableist yes how many of you have heard the podcast before okay cool awesome miss no what the fuck are you doing here then, bitch? Huh? Oh, you dragged her? Nice. Hi. Are you guys sisters? Nice. Yeah, best friends. You guys look really similar.

You guys should do incest porn. I just got into incest porn. I'm really into incest porn. Yeah, I know. You haven't shut the fuck up about it. I really, it's life changing. It is life changing. Yeah, but you also committed incest.

I did, I did. I fucked my stepbrother. We're not related by blood. I just saw the movie Clueless way too many times. You know what I mean? Is that incest or is that just? It's not incest. No, I love how the girl in the back went,

no, that's great. The lady doth protest too much. It's not nothing. It's not nothing? Yeah, I'll tell you what it is. It's hot as fuck. You narc. He is hot. Did you meet him? Dude, you know what's fucked up?

You know what's fucked up? In Sacramento, I was on stage, and he was in the audience. And he brought his girlfriend. And I was... Jealous? I was literally texting Jake. Dude, I literally was texting Jake, shout out, great comic over there, texting him

being like, I'm not gonna say it. I'm not gonna say I fucked him. I'm not gonna say I fucked him. Because you know how if I, you know, it's like the don't pull this lever thing and I want to pull it. Oh, yeah. And I got on stage and was like, I fucked him! How early into your set? It was very fast. Oh, no? It was very fast. Oh, no.

It was so fast. And they broke up on the car ride home. No. Yeah. Are you serious? Yeah, they broke up. Yeah, they broke up. Why?

Because there were two people in the audience, and I was talking about the incest porn thing, and they were like, well, I'm into the step shit. And I had already announced that my stepbrother was there, and I looked at him and was like, eh? And then I overdid it, where I was like, no, we didn't, we didn't, we didn't, we didn't, we didn't. And she was like, you for sure did.

And he was like, yeah, we did fuck. And then they broke up, yeah. Yeah, but everybody has a past. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Yeah. She sucks. She sucks. Right? I know. But, you know, when God closes the door, he opens up a chance for you to fuck your stepbrother again. He doesn't have to open a window, because we're in the same house, you know what when God closes the door, he opens up a chance for you to fuck your stepbrother again.

He doesn't have to open a window because we're in the same house, you know what I mean? Yeah. He's like, oh, the bedroom door. You'd fuck him again, wouldn't you? Hell yeah. He's so hot. Yeah.

Does anyone ever wanted to fuck a steprelative? We know you, you freak. She went, mm. I've wanted to fuck a cousin. Yeah, same. Is that, am I wanted to fuck a cousin. Yeah, same. Am I alone? No. Yeah, this is your cousin here. Yeah, first or second or third?

First? Oh, that's a lot. Dude, after we had sex, I caught him Googling famous people who fuck their relatives. Really? Yeah, and I was like, this is what you think is holding you back? You know what I mean?

So stupid. I think he was googling geniuses. I remember a picture of Einstein showed up and I was like, oh yeah, you think that this is gonna put you in the big leagues, buddy? Well, Angelina Jolie and her brother made out. See, that's awesome. Don't you think that's so hot?

You don't think that's hot at all no there's something that's because it's so taboo that it's hot it's so bad well that's why i like anal and gay sex but that's as far as i'll go that's disgusting i know i know i love how you're like i'll fuck a blood relative but it's someone of the same sex you're going to hell fucking foul i know it is it's gross that's where poop goes well it's where it comes from It's gross. That's where poop goes. Well, it's where it comes from, not where it goes. That's where you come from. It's not like people are inserting poop into their ass. Speak for yourself.

I've, a cousin, yes, but I also, like, I never had, my ex-stepdad, he didn't have any kids, so I don't know what that would be like ex-stepdad even got me a little roused just hearing that you know I mean ex-stepdad yeah like my stepdad to be my ex you know no I don't oh okay I don't it's because my mom married this woman and she just happened her kids were the hottest kids in school and then they just moved into the house and I was like this fat little mall goth. And he was this hot BMX kid.

And then finally I got like kind of attractive. My braces were off. Braces were off and we were off to the races. And they were like, everybody's going to stay in the house for Christmas. Tyler's coming home, but he doesn't have a bedroom. Was it with Tyler? Yeah. Oh my God.

And then they were like, so you guys have to share a room and i was like damn bring out the rubber sheets and then we and then we bung yeah well i mean how long was he with his now ex i don't know wouldn't that be great if they were engaged and you ruined it she sucks she's a little slap hog what why does she suck have you ever met her she makes this whack art out of like bike parts it's bad you know what i mean she's like an asheville craftswoman with like tattoos of like cherry blossoms she's short yeah but aren't they a perfect match if he's a bmx guy no we're a perfect match because we're related we really need to get him on the podcast and he would hear it he would his perspective he'll be like i was in the room and this fat child jumped

on me i had no choice and she kept going you want this don't you tyler that's pretty much how it went. We high-fived after. I remember that. That's fun. Would you fuck your cousin Sharon? Is that what her name is? What's her name? Sherry. Sherry. We're going to have Sherry on the pod. Yeah, I have a cousin Sherry

from Delaware, and she lived in a part of Delaware called Claymont, but everyone called people that lived there clay monsters. And she really embraced it. She's a- She's a lesbian wigger. Hardcore lesbian wigger. Isn't that the best?

I'm talking like- Isn't that the best? Like tight fade, like lightning bolts in her hair, like wigger. Yeah. Yeah, dude. Wife beater, right? Wife beater, saggy pants. Ooh, and I bet she has the chicken cutlets. You know what I mean?

Where you wear wife beater and you're a big fat fatty, so you get those cutlets right there. You know what I mean? All right, man. She's my cousin. Let's bring her in. Come on in here. That would be great if she was here.

We should've had her come. But yo, I swear to God, she came here to see me do a set one night. And outside, there were these people fighting in the street. Everybody was scared. But Sherri's been in rehab a bunch, so she felt a kinship. And she came out, and she was like, yo, the crackheads is fighting. What's up, bitch?

You trying to get some of this pussy? I'm not joking. Then she grabbed all my friends' dicks and was like, it doesn't matter. I'm a dyke. I was like, Sherry, you rule. She's the best. It's crazy how sexually forward the gay men

will come up to me, and I'm like, get off me. They're like, I'm gay. I'm like, you're finger banging me in public. Oh, gay men will come up to me and i'm like get off me and they're like i'm gay and i'm like you're finger banging me in public oh yeah they do that to me i know well you're well they think it's okay because i'm a guy and i'm like no get behind a hole in the wall they think it's okay because you've hired them and paid them money to come over to your house and finger bang you yeah but you know romance me a little bit yeah yeah he's into it a little bit get some coconut oil on your hands no uh yeah guys do that a lot or like they'll go into my dms and be like you're really funny and i'm like oh hey thanks man i kind of suck your cock i'm like wow it is tough for women when guys slide into when guys slide into my dms it's like you're really funny and i'm like thanks i want to and i'm like and then i like, thanks, and they're like, wanna fuck? And I'm like, and then I don't say anything,

and they're like, you're a whore. You're an unfunny, shitty whore. Immediately, they switch like that. Well, they really nailed it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I feel like, yeah, that happens a lot with guys,

but women never do that. Yeah, they never turn on you? Yeah. Yeah, men will turn. If you say no to them, oh, my God, that's the scariest thing. Yeah, well, if you go soft inside of a woman, she'll fucking turn on you yeah yeah men will turn if you say no to them oh my god that's the scariest thing yeah well if you go soft since i have a woman she'll fucking turn on you in a

heartbeat i've that's like a real thing that my friends are complaining about where dudes go soft and they're like you can't even get your dick hard you little bitch i mean like a lot of my friends come in i won by cheek to peg me but i'm afraid she'll bring it up against me later yeah you know women are scary yeah you're terrible i don't do that shit are you kidding me if you go soft i'll fucking rub the skin right off that shit because i'm trying to prove that i'm attractive you know what i mean i'm like get hard so i can sleep tonight christ yeah that'll get them nothing makes me want to get hard like a gremlin screaming at my penis.

Yeah, well, I tried Blue Chew. Blue Chew's weird because it feels like you're fucking a fake dick. Well, it didn't activate me, so I wouldn't know what that is. That's crazy. I forgot that you told me that. That's fucking crazy. Blue Chew didn't work? No. It's because you're gay.

No. I was with a man when it happened. Oh, well, then there's some other reason. I was with a man, but I wanted to... I think I'm not gay. Yeah. It really didn't work? Nothing happened? No.

There was an attempt? I don't think I ate enough. But I've heard that it doesn't... What? That doesn't make any sense. You'd think that if you ate too much, or you'd think that an empty stomach

would have to go right to your dick. I think you were supposed to have like a bunch but my antidepressant A bunch of hoochies? Just one. No, you're pumping like Andy.

The antidepressants is a problem, dog. Yeah, it sucks. I haven't come in six months. I can tell. You're all pent up. I feel great. That's why you ride

your motorcycle so much so you can get something down. Yeah, I'm just trying to get off. Totally. I did come on an exercise machine once on accident. I feel great. That's why you ride your motorcycle so much. Yeah, I'm just trying to get off. Yeah. Totally. Yeah, well. I did cum on an exercise machine once on accident. Isn't that crazy?

I was like too young to do it also. I was like 14 or something. Oh, that's all right. I thought you were going to be like five. No. Okay. Just a squirty little five-year-old. Ugh.

I can picture you as a kid that like when everyone was like doing slip and slides you would do too much sliding yeah where there's like the spigot in the front yard and I'm just standing over it just like Terminator looking at like a family member calibrating your chances I'm in the hot

tub being like turn on the jets yeah yeah no totally i had so many sexual games my friend was reminding me the other day after they saw the clip of us talking about that oh yeah she brought up mean babysitter that's probably the best one ever mean babysitter is a game that she played where the babysitter would come in and it was a bad babysitter but it was like two friends i love how every episode of this podcast is learning more and more about how um you really need to seek help i had a therapist she left me all right yeah that's right yeah you broke her yeah i broke her she's a bitch yeah i had to get rid of mine because she started doing things that would ensure i would be in therapy longer yeah that's what they do it's a trap yeah like i was like i just want you know like a partner to talk to and confide in and be with and she was like well i can be that i was

like what you're my therapist she was like well i will be there for it was like gloria chill and then she was like read this book my friend is a 500 workshop you need to sign up for that'll help fix all your problems this sounds like some white trash delaware shit was it no well she was she was uh at greenwich house in new york which is a alcoholic and drug addict oh you just had a social worker that's not a therapist social worker she was a legit therapist but through drug and alcohol no she had like cigarettes cigarette scars on her face she owned a pit bull no her name was gloria she was like old and from philly so i was like okay something in common but i want just an old jewish guy i just want somebody to call me a little pussy

bitch you know what i mean you're being a pussy bitch that's all i want to hear i'm sure tyler could do that i bet he could actually i'm getting hard just thinking about it oh jesus my therapist was too young she was too hot she had clumpy mascara she always had wet hair i hated the wet hair what did you just you can't blow dry it for me bed wet hair in the zoom call will that drive you crazy also i'm sick of the zoom she's in my bed with me that's weird well i went to gloria's house and it was that's crazy she's like a hoarder and i was like who am i to take advice from a fucking hoarder yeah a hundred percent and she had the maintenance guy over and i was like should we not talk and she was like oh he won't say anything

oh my god what i know i know. I know. And holy shit. She was at the practice. She left the practice and I was like, so do I have to get a new therapist? She goes, no, you can keep seeing me. Just don't tell anyone.

I was like, what the fuck? Wow. Yeah. Yeah, my bitch. Yeah, the clumpy. She sucks. Another comic recommended it,

but it was a guy and I was like, you're fucking it could be like a rock with hair tape to it and you'd be like yeah she's great she's a good listener but this she was uh she hated my mom that's what i didn't like you know what i mean they always want it they're like well i get defensive over me too it's because of the italian yeah i'm like leave my mother's name out of your heart yeah or if i'll bring up my mom i'll preface it through tears of like she's a wonderful lady and she never did nothing wrong, but here's information.

Yeah, here's horrible information. I would talk so much shit and then she'd be like, it sounds like your mom and I'm like, watch it, bitch. Well, when I was going in therapy and talking about being bisexual, she was like, why don't you go to a sex therapist at the LGBT center and they'll help you like decide like what you are whatever it's like okay and i went and it pissed me off so much because i sat down and they were like he was like before we begin i want to let you know whatever feelings or thoughts you have

are valid and you are what you are and I just want you to know you have value. I was like, yeah, bitch, I know I have value. I just don't know, you know, what... I should call myself. But, yeah, I laughed. I was like, no, not again. Because you thought you were going to go in, and they would be like, okay, now we're going to bring in a Japanese woman.

Are you aroused? That's what I was imagining. Wouldn't that be sick? You go into a room, they're like all right big black guy come on in well how do you feel and i'm like intimidated but also that would be great uh yeah because i met this i met like a bull dyke in chicago and i was like oh i could date like a bull dyke i could do that but they would have to be the problem with bull dykes is they don't really go for also masculine women they go for feminine women i was like well if i'm already tricking sherry's wife is like super feminine yeah and she came to the cellar one night and i saw her

i was like how's brienne she's like she's at home so i'm looking to turn some straight pussy tonight oh my god damn sherry damn that's like my mom my mom's like the ultimate misogynist it's crazy yeah it's great she loves turning straight women yeah and she calls me cuzzo such a funny thing we gotta get her in here yeah she has did she have cornrows or dreads which one did you she had cornrows at one point yes yes but she's got like a high and tight fade and my uncle my uncle clyde was always accepting of her being like a lesbian but he was disappointed because she's the one that wore the suit at the wedding oh yeah he was like i just wanted my daughter to be in a wedding dress but you know whatever when my my friend who was a bull dyke died they in her casket, they put her in a pink dress. And she was like this rugged.

It was hilarious. I wanted to wake her up so I could roast her to her. It was so crazy. But that's like a good time to do it. When they die, then the parents get to dress you up like a little doll. I guess the kid shouldn't die first, but... Jesus, George. Sorry.

How'd she die? She was a quadriplegic. She couldn't... And then she died of complications. You know this. You know my buddy became a quadriplegic? And then we robbed all that stuff with her wheelchair. Remember that?

No. I told you this. We'd go into stores and we'd load up the... We'd literally stack merchandise all the way up to her fucking nose. their wheelchair remember that i told you this we go into stores and we load up the we literally stack merchandise all the way up to her fucking nose and then we would just leave the store and they'd be like don't worry about it we don't want to get in trouble and we would just you just had an armless legless body she did a bunch of things she wasn't a war veteran she had limbs she just couldn't move them and she was a a lesbian? She wasn't the guy.

She wasn't the guy. Remember the guy who went on the Superman and they had to take it down because a little nugget man with no arms or legs, pew, flew off. Isn't that crazy? The Superman went up and it went down and he stayed up. What are you talking about? Okay, the Superman roller coaster. Oh, the roller coaster.

You can't just say the Superman. Sorry, sorry. What are you? The Superman is the best roller coaster. Oh, the roller coaster. You can't just say the Superman. Sorry, sorry. The Superman is the best roller coaster ever. You're giving me a lot of information right now. You're like, oh, my friend died. Okay, yeah, the woman, no arms, no legs. I told you to let me take that at all. I told you to let me take that at all.

We dressed a stump up in a fucking pink dress, and then we committed larceny with it. The Superman roller coaster goes up. Yes. War veteran is like, I want to go on the ride. They're like, you should. You served our country. He has no arms or legs.

Little nugget. As in, which means nothing to hold him down. Rollercoaster went down. He stayed in the air and then plummeted. No more rollercoaster. And that's how he died. That's how he died. And that's how the Superman, more importantly, died.

Isn't that fucked up? Yeah. Don't that fucked up? Yeah. Don't let a nugget on the ride. Ruined all of our fun. Well, I guess he didn't have to worry about keeping arms and legs inside the ride when he was riding it. That deserved more.

Fuck every single video. Okay. What do they think is going to happen? If he was tall enough to ride the ride, did they put his fake limbs on him first I guess yeah come on I don't think he had fake limbs

really yeah I know it's crazy I kind of think the guy was like maybe this dude just wants to kill himself and we'll just let this is a good way to go that's a pretty good way to go follow the rollercoaster if I was to kill myself I'd jump off a building but shoot myself in the head It is good. Fall off a roller coaster. Yeah. You know? Isn't that... If I was to kill myself, I'd jump off a building but shoot myself in the head

on the way down. Jump off a building and then... Why? Just shoot yourself. No, no, no. What? You want to be a pussy

on the way down? Oh, I see. How would I kill myself? I've thought about this. I think the car in the garage is the best way to go. Yeah, but you're dumb. You'd probably use like a Tesla.

Dude. It's not working. It is true. I am so dumb. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, you're in the oven.

Does that work? Head in the oven works. Yeah. But then it's just like a sad stuck porn. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Yeah i've got one pervert got it no one else has watched stock porn have you i've watched all porn yeah i watched disney porn recently like cartoons each other there was one where remember like the on the bench in beauty and the beast the three there's guest on all three of them with his big dick at one point like in out and out next one or like like impales like out the mouth through you know what i mean uh

human centipede dude penis pretty cool you're fucking far finally fucks Jasmine. That's what we all want. We've all been waiting. Yeah. We've all been waiting. I think I watched Jessica Rabbit porn, obviously. Oh, I had a crush on her. Here's the thing. You said on the podcast, you're like, Jafar and Jasmine made every girl want to be raped.

Yeah. And there were a lot of people that disagreed with that. They are men. Like a lot. No, like a lot of people that disagreed with that they are like a lot no like a lot of are you kidding me yeah is that true did they really disagree yeah that is such bullshit they're lying they're deceiving themselves okay remember remember when jafar locked jasmine up in the red outfit yes you do because it was the hottest thing we've ever seen in our goddamn lives well she yeah of course she's like a full-time sex worker are you a sex worker there's nothing wrong with that but really what kind of sex worker what's a full service like a car wash sex for money wow were you like a fin dom no that's not sex idiot i want to be a fin dom so d and you's not sex. Idiot. I want to be a fin dom.

So, and you don't do it anymore? What do you do now? I'm an advocate for a sex work. Oh, nice. Wow. Okay, a lateral move,

I would say. Me too. With my wallet. Got a lot of them. Wow. What's the other type of sex work? Sugaring.

What's sugaring? It's a new name for an old thing. You charge by the month instead of by the hour. What's the other type of sex work? Sugaring. What's sugaring? It's a new name for an old thing. You charge by the month instead of by the hour. What? Yeah. Like Netflix? Oh, so you're like their girlfriend? Yeah, it's more expensive.

And you had like a couple clients or one client? I just had one, but people do it differently. Wow. You should do that. Why? Sugaring. Who would let me sugar them? Are you kidding me? Have you met me? You should do that. Why? Sugaring. Who would let me sugar them?

Are you kidding me? Have you met me? I'd be like, keep the money, be with me forever. Yeah, yeah. I'll pay you to never leave. Yeah.

I'm going to die alone. Come on, let's do some sugaring. They'd be like, no, I have diabetes, get away from me. Nothing? You were so pumped about that one diabetes. Get away from me. Nothing?

You were so pumped about that one, too. I was so excited. Both your knees started going at once. My whole grasshopper legs were really kicking. I would do the fin dom thing. The fin dom thing is great. I would do the stepping on people, like, hurting men's feelings. Hasidic Jews. What? Hasidic Jews love that shit. Oh, they do, yeah.

They really do. Well, there was a guy named, oh, fuck, he's a doctor, and he rolls himself up in a mat at New York City bars and lays in front of the bar, and people step on him when they order drinks. He's like an infamous New York guy. Is he coming in there?

I don't know if he's coming in there, but he's liking it. When I tased you that one time, I was like, that opened something up in me. Yeah. It was like, I could do this all day, every day. The way you squealed, it was

like, yeah, I could really... Yeah, you're deeply damaged. It was so... It felt so good. It felt like I was exactly in the right moment. You know what I mean? Like I had been born to just fuck you up. Me personally? No, no, no.

I think men in general. I think it would be really up. Me personally? No, no, no, no. I think men in general. I think it would be really fun to do that. We'll get into it. Okay. Talk to her after the show. You probably know. One of my buddies was a sex worker.

I forget which kind. But she was like, you know how you choose a name? She chose the name Isis. And I was like, that is the funniest thing I've ever heard. And she was like, why? It's like the Greek goddess or whatever. And I was like, that is the funniest thing I've ever heard. And she was like, why? It's like the Greek goddess or whatever. And I was like, are you fucking kidding? ISIS, the terrorist organization?

She had no idea. Isn't that crazy? I wanted to be ISIS for Halloween. I wanted to throw a couple dudes in the back of the truck and drive down the parade on West 4th and just be ISIS. That would be so good. Yeah, that'd be great. That would be good. You weren't going to hate it on it good. Yeah, that'd be great. That would be good. You weren't going to hate it on it,

but you know that'd be great. That's something you do in a suburb. It's not something you do in a metropolitan city. What? Because they think that you drive the truck through the parade. What do you mean they think that you drive the truck through the parade?

If you were pretending to be ISIS, they wouldn't be like, let's give them the benefit of the doubt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think in the suburbs they would do that either. I don't think it's a viable option anywhere except for maybe in Iraq. What if you were a Halloween goth and you loved it so much that you went to Iraq just to do that? I could imagine joining ISIS.

One time I ate so much that I thought about joining ISIS you know what I mean why? I was just so full and I was like I'm a fat fuck I should join ISIS you never do that? you never eat so much that you make promises? I never eat so much I thought I should join a terrorist organization yeah but you know when you make like I've written down in my notebook I've been like I'm gonna join the Peace Corps tomorrow

you know what I mean things like that you never make crazy promises like tomorrow yeah but never again with a terrorist organization. Oh, okay, okay. Well, you know, teach their own, buddy. Alright, well, let's bring up our guests. Alright! Thank you guys for coming out.

I'm so excited for these guys to come up here. They are two of my oldest friends in comedy. I love them. They're the fucking best. I came up with them in Philly, and they have an amazing podcast called Stuff Island, and I give it up for Tommy Pope and Chris O'Connor. Woo!

Yes. Hey. Tommy and Chris. Thanks, guys. How are you? Good, man. I jerked off to Lois. Nice. Who? I did. Oh, I thought I jerked off to Lois. Nice. Who? I did. Lois.

Peter. Oh, I thought you said Lois. Lois. It's a hardware store. I'm all in the woods. I go, Lois Lane. No, Lois. Lois.

Peter Griffin's wife. Peter. Yeah. I thought you meant Lois Lane. You jerked off to Peter Griffin's wife. Who abbreviates to Lois? She is so fucking hot. I thought it was Marge.

I tried to skip it for years. He was just eating at you? It was bothering me. It was fucking bothering me. And then I was like, let's see, you know, what's doing. Shut up, Chris. This is a very delicate it was romantic yeah at first yeah she was like doing her thing and then what's her thing what's her thing that

she does she has like a you know like a like a jewish italian long island voice peter yes that's it wow is this getting you hot, Peter? Hold up. Hold the fuck up. You want to kick off right now? Yeah. Whip it out. But tell me she's not hot. I mean, she's hotter than March.

No way. March has heaters, for sure. But Lois is hotter than that. She's got fat bags for days. Lois is a better ass. Was the animation good? It's not like Fox did it. It was good.

Yeah, yeah, it is. It's that good. It really is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the same. First of all, that's all what animators, that's their dream. They're all fucking bottom-feeding, basement-dwelling virgins that want to fuck cartoons. That's why they're always slipping dicks into the actual movie.

Yeah, you love the dicks. Dicks in the clouds. Is that Aladdin? What? Cox in the clouds in Aladdin? I don't think so. Cox in the clouds in the silver spoon.

No, it is. There's fucking dicks in the clouds in Aladdin on the cover of Aladdin. Oh, yeah. No, on the cover of The Little Mermaid there's a dick

coming out of the castle. There's sex written in leaves in Pocahontas. Yes, in the sky. Yeah, in Lion Kingermaid, there's a dick coming out of the castle. There's sex written in leaves in Pocahontas. Yes, in the sky. Yeah, in Lion King. And there's a huge erection in The Little Mermaid. Yeah. That the priest has.

Big old boner. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Yeah. We used to rewind play it. We rewind play it when we were babysitting these kids, and the kids would be like, Wait. You just got knobby knees.

You just got knobby knees. He's just got knobby knees. No, no. The dick went right up, straight up. And we'd be like, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. These poor kids. I had a crush on Ariel

and Bambi. Bambi's a boy. Isn't that crazy? Bambi's a fucking deer. Yeah. Yeah. What are you talking about? Bambi's a boy.

I love how you bypass the fact that it's a fucking deer. That's how homophobic I am. I'm like, you faggot. He's a goddamn boy. You fucking a male deer, queer? It's like, what do you want? A deer with fake fat tits?

Well, Bambi was like a sensitive, cute... So you were a guy with a baby's moth. Yeah, maybe. This is so fucking insane. You wanted to fuck Bambi. Well, my first imaginary friend was also a deer. And I

named him Venatio. You named him Fellatio? No! Stop warping my childhood. His name was Venatio. And what, you just stood in the woods? No, I played my sandbox. I played my sandbox

and he'd run around the yard. I was an only child, alright? What do you want? Still, that doesn't explain it. Damn, dude. This is what happens when your dad dies. You fucked your... This happened before he died.

Yeah. I was fucked up before. That's why he died. I can't live in this world. He caught you jerking off the Bambi. He's like, I'm going to kill myself. Every time we go camping at the campground gift shop, I'd get a little deer

and I'd play with them. I loved animals. One time I found a squirrel or something with a hole in the ground. I made hearts around it with stones and made my name Ian and then made my parents. You fucked a hole in the ground? Yeah. I've always been. It's not everyone leaving right now.

This is so fucking insane. Are we going to act like this is okay? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not the one that's like, I wanted to be ISIS and fuck my brother and everything, and you're fucking jerking off to a cartoon, and I'm the weird one? I did it once.

I had to try it, Tommy. Once. You have to try it? You have to try it once. You went back. I got stuck in a 3D hole for a while. What? What do you mean?

3D porn? I got stuck in a 3D porn world. What do you mean? What do you mean? I got just stuck watching it. For like hours at a time or just like every day? Wait, 3D porn? No, it was just like my

daily routine. Wait. Well, I'd clean off my goggles from the night before. You were so old. You were so on the cusp of being good. Every day you were cranking them out like, I hope they give an update. It's the designer's fault. Someone's got to be making a higher level of this.

And so I was really searching. I was rooting around. All right. Now, wait. What is 3D porn? Yeah. Oculus. You put the goggles on.

No, no, no. You don't need the goggles. You can look at any device. Wait. Hold on. That's not 3D, Chris. Are you talking about VR? Do you think that TV is just 3D? I think he's just figuring this out.

I fucked a 3D Lois three times. He just means a human woman. It's 3D! That's what men are becoming. They're so fucking incel-ass. That is a 3D porn right here. She's like, let me out of your house, please. Whoa, this 3D porn's got a mouth.

There's got to be 3D porn. How do I delete their words? Wait, hold on. You wouldn't wear the goggles? No, no, it's just CGI. I meant to say CGI. Is that why everyone was confused? Yes, idiot.

Sorry, sorry. We're all still confused. That's crazy that you said 3D. They're uninteresting or confused. We're all still confused. That's crazy that you said 3D. I can't tell whether they're uninteresting or confused. They're very both. Wait, wait, wait. CGI as in like Shrek? Yeah.

Okay. Except this is like this weird video game world that I'm not familiar with, but apparently all the characters are relevant to that. Like... I don't know. Like, there was always, like, some video game title in the description. Wait, was it one of these ads that was like, we bet you can't last 20

seconds watching that. It's like a girl with a giant penis and, like, a devil getting fucked. Oh, my God. Oh! Holy shit! Oh, yes. devil getting fucked oh my god holy shit oh yeah what the fuck a little banner you're clicking banners that's it that's the tag at the bottom right it's like three yeah yeah yeah yeah one skip that and chris is like let's let it ride the little the little elf woman who's getting railed yes totally and and Chris is like, let's get it right, dude. I never did it competitively. The little elf woman who's getting railed?

Yes, totally, and the dick is coming out her mouth? I didn't really like those ones. I didn't like the, I don't know, skip that, because they make a mash-up of them. So I would skip through the ones where there's some fear. Manta. Yeah, you like it more pure. Yeah. You like to settle in with your 3D points.

They're on a spaceship, and they're doing points. I like when they're on like a spaceship and they're doing it. I don't need like a big monster in there. Yeah. No, just an alien. Whatever it is. Damn, dude.

That rules. Well, I'm going to be honest. You never watched CGI stuff? You never got sucked in? No. Nobody clicks the banner. Nobody clicks the banner. Nobody clicks the banner.

I'll tell you right now. It gives you a virus on your computer immediately, first of all. No, I don't click the banner. I search it on my own. Oh, that's worse. That's worse. Like a gentleman. You're just sitting there 3D porn.

I saw the F. And I'm not a dumbass. I'm not clicking on the banner. But then I'm searching it. You only get 10 cents in the company. I don't want to get my identity stolen. I want some fucking monsters. What did you type in to search it?

CGI porn. You can type in 3D porn and those people know what I'm talking about. That was so funny. He's like, 3D porn? How do I explain it? No, I didn't wear the glasses to look at it. I mean, look, we're, you know, having some fun ribbing you,

but I'm going to try it. Take a look at it. They could do some stuff that's really impressive. You ever tried VR porn? No. Oh, wow. I don't have the goggles. You do that.

VR? I did it once, and I quickly got over it, because it's a lot of work. The highs are higher, the lows are lower. It's very embarrassing. When you come into your shorts and they have to take goggles off. Oh, my God.

That's all. It's like taking a football helmet off after shitting yourself. It's like, I got to get out of here, dude. This is terrible. There were times when Shane was literally on the other side of the wall with me. I'd be like leaning against the wall with goggles on, just like listening for him to wake up and jerking off into goggles. Some of the darkest moments of my life. And then you have to take off the goggles and you realize you're still living with another man.

to take off the goggles and you realize you're still living with another man and then also like 3d has a phone call of your parents calling you and be like we're disappointed in you here's the problem the vr goggles are so realistic you're just in so they just put the pov of the guy that's you know yeah helped out or girl you know getting whatever you're into the one i picked you you just search VR porn, and the one I picked was this dude in a hot tub with three girls, of course, pig. Me, not them. They're very nice ladies.

They're all secretaries. Nonprofit, nonprofit organizations. They're very good people. They work for UNICEF. And I was so baffled the first time I put it on. I was looking at the paneling on the ceiling. Oh, yeah. I was looking around.

Meanwhile, I'm just getting sucked off. I'm getting sucked off by two girls at once, and I'm not even paying attention. I'm like, this is so fucking realistic. Look at that. Look at the backyard. The backyard is fresh grass. Look at that. Look at the backyard. The backyard is fresh grass. Look at that crown molding.

It's real grass. Wow. Can you reach out? I double teamed a chick in VR. It was weird. I was like, this is not cool. With another dude. Yeah, there was another guy in it fucking her too.

Yeah, I don't like that. Yeah, Bobby Kelly said he did it. And he said what was weird about it was that, first of all, you get, like, you can just be like, I want a big black dick, first of all. Duh. So he would just choose that every time. But then he was like,

I'm fucking the same woman every day, which feels like infidelity. You know what I mean? Like, you're just like, all right, wife, I'm going to go play my little games for a second, and then you, like, meet up with, like, Brittany, who's, like, on her knees 100% of her life, waiting for you and it's do you get to choose like okay she's behind me all right now i want to fuck you in the ass like is it choose your own adventure no it's not choose your own

adventure so you just gotta wait for them well you're just you're locked you're locked into like the main character so you just search vr porn and then you just select like what scene you want to be in and they just put your POV into the character. You don't know what the fuck's gonna happen. It's great. What what fact I'm going back The more you do choose your own adventure Well, you can't they have that they have that but I can't just point at some girl like I want that one now No, no, no this one. No, no, no They have that but it's CGI. A thing should pop up like, click to finger her ass or have her finger yours.

And then you click through that. Yeah, they have that. No, I agree. I think they should have that. Yeah. But I thought you could like beat the women up and stuff. Oh, good. They have that.

Someone turn my mic up. They have that. I've done it. Technology's not there yet. I'm done. It's just you yelling in the darkness. Yeah, it's clunky. Yeah, like, Shane, finger my ass. Knock on the wall if you wanna join.

That's what he meant by double team. It's just Shane fucking the other side. He's got a set of goggles on. Just Shane and Chris. Just air humping an imaginary bitch. Anyway, I've been trying to get off porn. Shut up.

What? I'm so fucking tired of hearing this shit. Why? For what? Because it's a lot. You're a lot. I just hung out with you the first half hour. It's like going to a fucking amusement park. Why can't you just beat off and release your anxiety? Fuck you.

You out there, you were like, just be yourself. And I am, and now I'm a lot. That's always how it goes. That's always how podcasts go where you're like I love you so much we're gonna have such a good time

you little gay bitch hello everybody look at this little gay bitch so true so sorry are you trying not to beat off

because you're having a hard time getting hard with real women because you're gay no you fucking bull dyke you stupid fucking hick.

No. Shut up, Chris. You'll update your... You all start fist fighting right now. Fucking nerd. Turn up. Yeah. Don't look at me.

No, I'm kidding. No, because I will like look at porn and I'll do it for like an hour and a half to like find the right one it's like it's such a waste of time and i notice i'll instead of doing something i need to do i'll look at porn or i'll like jerk off as a distraction and i'm old now so i have to nap after i come yeah so it's like a whole fucking ordeal and i don't need it yeah that's the worst that's the worst when you're like right right after I come, I'm going to do some shit. Yeah.

You're like, no! Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're slipping into the bed like, no! I wanted to see all this movie. The grass grows. The mail piles up. I leave my apartment. I should have never came, dude.

I have a Rudyard Kipling beard. I'm like, what year ispling beard You got six parking tickets On your fucking front windshield It's all because I came I've gotten a lot of tickets because I jerked off 100% Before I didn't move my car Yeah I'm trying

You're doing great babe No I'm not I jerked off last night Are you trying not to jerk off I'm not. I jerked off last night. Well then, that's fine. Are you trying not to jerk off? No, to pour. Okay, so you're still jerking off. I'll jerk off. Oh, that's... you ever do that?

Yes. That's a throwback. Are you kidding me? Yeah, no, it feels good. I thought I couldn't. It feels good. It's like reading. Yeah. Yeah.

You're not saying you're reading in your head. Also, it's why I don't read. Holy shit, I finished the whole book. Yeah. I didn't think I could do this. Damn it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. also it's why i don't read i didn't think i could do this yeah it restores your faith in your own humanity

yeah that's a fun thing i'll do that on the road i'll try to like remember a memory man my friend the other day said she went to a dentist who was like he was like really creepy to her and he's like this old weird guy and and i was like well just don't like go under the gas around him but then both of us yeah yeah yeah but then you heard both of us on the same time like realized that we were gonna jerk off to that idea later you know know what I mean? We both were like, yeah, that would be awful. And it'd be a shame if the dentist was a relative. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or a cartoon. What state of consciousness would you want to be in? Have you ever been woken up by... Jesus, Chris. Leave some things to the imagination. Have you ever woken up by getting a blowjob?

It's jarring. That's rapey. Jesus Christ. Yeah, that's crazy. I mean, yes. Who's doing that? You wake up and you're like, what's happening? So a girl's waking you out of your slumber by sucking your dick. Yeah. I've woken up to a guy penetrating.

Sounds cool. Nightmare. I don't like it. It takes me a long time to get to sleep. But then girls will be like, girls will be like, you can fuck me when I'm sleeping, and I've never done it, because it doesn't...

You're up. Dude, you've ruined my REM with your cum. My cum? Shit. You know what I'm saying? Wishful thinking. You know, it's just like tired, like like groggy and you have to go oh shit yeah it's jarring are you that's not uh-huh if a girl starts sucking my dick once you up with a blow job and you've had that reaction oh man that's like a 3d alarm clock that's the fucking worst thing in the world.

I'd be so mad. I think it's fucked up. I think it's overrated. Overrated? I've fucked a lot of dudes who hump in their sleep. It's overrated. Wait, what is your... As a girl...

Because girls will be like, you can... It'd be hot if you fucked me. It's the best. It's the best. It's the best. It's the best. It's the best.

It's the best. I love it. I love it. It's my favorite thing in the whole world where you wake up and they're trying to get it in and you're like, oh, yeah. I mean, it's a rape fantasy. You know, you've already approved that man for sex, right?

So it's safe. And you're being raped. Ideal. I do clear, so I have to look into their butthole before I do it. That's pretty cum-chick. Yeah, it's rules. Yeah, well, I don't have that fantasy,

so getting woken up with a blowjob weirds me out. I mean, yeah, that would be... I would never feel... As a woman, feel comfortable doing that. That would be weird. I would feel like I was raping you, for sure. But you just said you want to be woken up with a dick in your leg,

and that's like you were raping me. Well, I want to be raped, but I'm not a monster. I'm not a monster. I'm a damsel in distress. That's what I am. I'm a victim. That's what's happening. I'm being

taken by a gentleman caller who can't help himself. Damn. And he also refused to fix my cavities. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I beat my dentist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Be my dentist.

No, I don't like it. That's crazy. What's the top porn? I think it's the big titty porn. For a while it was MILF. Yeah, MILF is great. I've always been MILF. It's not changing. Are you Italian?

What? Are you Italian? No, he's. So it's been like a million. What? Are you Italian? No, he's Armenian. Oh, yeah. You want to fuck your mom, dude. Yeah, totally. I mean, that's all Italians want to fuck their mom. No, I just always been attracted to you.

Yeah, yeah, you want to fuck your mom. Oh, it's like Oedipus Rexi. You know what? everybody loves it. Shut up! Instead of him being like, you fucking bitch, shut up! He's just like, what? He just becomes a different person. Look, we're very susceptible to supple breasts as a young boy.

And then as a teen, you're like, shit, that older mom is so fucking hot. And then you get to like your mid-20s, you're like, shit, that 40s. My mom is kind of hot. Genie pop fucking ribs, dude. Because it's like you get to fuck her and protect her. There's no inverse. So far in my life, there's no inverse. I'm still excited about older women.

They're very attractive. My moms used to make out in front of my guy friends. I would be like, just don't pop a chub at dinner, dog. You know what I mean? What's more mom-like than getting woken up to a blowjob? What? Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Wait. Can you fucking mark that? Just-oh. Uh-oh. I cut. Wait. Can you fucking mark that? Oh, no. Just mark it. Okay. Mark it. Follow me through this idea. Okay.

I mean, this in and of itself is rape because I don't want to. You think your mom was waking your dad up with a blowjob at her age right now? No, but she wasn't very motherly. So that's a motherly thing? I think so. It's the opposite. That's a piglet. It's a whore thing.

It's not a motherly thing. It's a fat-galley fucking piglet. You think your mom would give blowjobs to your father post-marriage? That never happens. Your mom didn't give you blowjobs. You think a whore blowjob is a very motherly thing to do?

That's not... All four of us. All four of us have such fucked up perceptions of ourselves and we are not living in reality. None of us. Wait, do you think of your mother when you imagine a woman

blowing a man away? That's exactly what you're saying. No, I'm not. I'm not. So your mom closes the book with... Very caring mother. Yeah, before I go to bed, she kisses me on the forehead.

When she wakes me up, she kisses me on the dickhead. I can't imagine. My mother... I'm just saying. I didn't think of mother. I thought of, like, woman with borderline personalities. You know what I mean? Just. I didn't think of mother. I thought of like woman with borderline personalities

toward her. You know what I mean? Just like wake up and be hard. That's why you guys are getting spooked by the morning blowjob. Come on. Stop. Imagine it as my mother? It's like practicing bed. It's nice. Okay. All right. I can see it more of like a

maid. You roll over and there's breakfast there. And your mom sucks your dick. Come on, guys. Wouldn't it be breakfast for them? Is everyone eating it? Yeah, sometimes giving is receiving. It would be crazy to wake a woman up by eating her out.

That would be crazy. I don't know. Wait, what was the question? I did find a war chest of weird and not like weird cool sex stuff. I didn't know that existed. Spermicide gels

and shit. Wow. You've never used that? No. Yeah, it's weird. That's how much they hated that you were born. They were like, just bring in anything. Just spray it down. Pull it back up. I think your mom was fucking the Roto-Rooter guy.

Just putting Clorox in your fucking car. Just John Goodman from Arachnophobia. Spraying your mom's pussy down. I found a lot of shit in my dad's room. You found spermicide in your parents. Yeah, it was like all these weird sperm-killing things. Yeah. Never again.

Products that I didn't know existed. Yeah. That looks like they're not having any fun. If they are fucking, this is a bummer. Do you think they used that? No. Have you ever? Before you were born.

Can you imagine if before you fucked, someone was like, let me squirt sperm-killing fluids into my pussy. I'd be like, this chick cares about me, dude. No. She's got my well-being at heart. She wants to travel the world without fucking, without, without. You're killing sperm and using lube. It's like. It's too fear-based too too for what yeah yeah

too fear-based yeah you know what i mean what like she's getting far based the hottest kind of sex is like when you're just like i fucking need to fuck mom but maybe that's why the hottest kind of sex is just not using a condom. Yeah. Dude, you said the hottest kind of sex is going, I gotta fuck! Like a madman on the train. So do you not use condoms ever? No, he doesn't.

Well, neither does your father, see? No, yeah, well... He feels the same way as you. He's like, I don't want a fear-based mechanism coming in, wrapping up my dick, so your mom has to go in the bathroom before and's like, I don't want a fear-based mechanism coming in, wrapping up my dick, so your mom has to go in the bathroom before and be like, he doesn't like the fear-based. Fill herself up. She's doing it in front of him.

Just blowing in some insulation. She's doing the setup. She's like, stop. We gotta caulk these joints. What, like a beer funnel in her pussy? Yeah, stop. Hold on. We got to caulk these joints. What, like a beer funnel in her pussy? I don't know what it is. I'm imagining the thing that you use to kill wasps.

Like there's a needle on the end of it. Oh yeah, like WD-40. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Wouldn't that be great if they were so sexually active? Like my dad's dick way over the list of elucidated sex organs. Hell yeah. She just sits down to eat lasagna and sprays it. This will kill off the option of another quiz.

When my dad died, everybody was coming over for the funeral and I went up into his room to make sure everything was okay and I had to take down all these restraints around his bed that he used to tie his wife up. No. Yeah. Crazy. I know. I know. I found so much shit in there. I moved quick,

though, and there was just stacks of Viagra and weed. You know what's weird? I hid the Viagra, but I left all the weed. I thought that was funny when I thought about it later. I didn't care if they thought he was a massive drug dealer, but I was like, they better know his dick gets hard. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean?

I remember stuffing my bra with the Viagra and being like, it's okay, Dad, I got you. You're a good daughter. I know, I thought so. It's like wiping someone's internet history right after they die. Yeah, and there were like pounds of weed, like bricks. And I was like, they can see all that, that's fine.

Well, who's going into his room? That's what people do at funerals. That's not true. They don't do that at funerals. It's not room raiders for the dead. But I just thought, what if somebody had to use the upstairs bathroom and they saw some... I don't know. It was a crazy...

Having a funeral at your home is bizarre. You had it at your home? Yeah, isn't that... Yeah. We had it on the farm. Remember the pig roast? Had a pig roast? Roasted a pig? Yeah, we had it on the farm. Remember the pig roast? Had a pig roast? Roasted a pig? Yeah. Wait, that's not a pig.

What a shat. Well, we've established that we're all mentally well. We are going to open it up to questions. Ooh, questions. So Racine is going to go out, and if you guys have advice questions or questions in general, Racine is going to go out and if you guys have advice questions or questions in general, Racine will go to you and

you guys can ask. What do you think of that? Did you guys expect that this would be the show? Yeah, oh you did? Okay, good. Expect what? Like fun? This is fun. 100% porn. 100% sex. What else are you going to do? It's Monday. It is fun. 100% porn. 100% sex. What else are you going to do?

It's Monday. It is Monday. It is Monday. We're at a receipt. Who's got a question? Here, grab that mic. Does anyone have a question? Raise your hand and Mike will go around.

End this fucking nightmare. Does anyone have a question for Ian and Jordan? Yeah. Never mind. It's obviously been a very receptive environment. Yeah.

You know, weird sex stuff. I don't know how this microphone could go probably up to this lady right here. So, you know. We can go as far

as this lady. Lady, you have a question? Lady, you have a question? Yeah, if you're this lady, you know, if you're this guy or this lady or this guy, feel free to ask a question.

Any question that you want. We're all open books. I've paid for three abortions. Right there. Any question? From the turtleneck? This is for Jordan. I just want to know,

was it like a Woody Allen type of thing with your stepbrother? That's why you were the youth? You were a soccer practice, but you didn't get to know each other or were you like raised together? Oh, good question. When you say Woody Allen, you're implying that he's guilty, right?

No, no, we're like Woody Allen cheaters. Oh, yes. Me too. We love our fan base of clearly good people. He was never a father to Sunni Prevost. Right. Dia Farrow and Andre Prevost.

He was never their father to pass him. So it's fine. It's fine to rape a 14-year-old if you're not her father. He wasn't his father. No, he's not saying that, you fucking dick. This guy is a good guy. Free Palestine. Yeah, you fucking dick. This guy's a good guy. Free Palestine.

I don't think so. Yeah, yeah. Did I ever tell you I cleaned out Woody Allen's basement? Are you two related? Alright, just checking. Dude, that is so cool. We have a Woody Allen truther here.

You don't see many of them. You don't see them grab microphones and scream their entire diatribe very often. Yeah. Not on the Epstein flight locks. To answer your question, raised together long enough that it is in fact wildly inappropriate.

Yeah, 100%. He got me high for the first time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. Very much a brother. He beat people up for me. You know what I mean? He beat the pussy up for me, you know what I mean? And then he beat the pussy up for me, you know what I mean? Do you regret it, though? Fuck no, dude.

Yeah. No way. I'd do it over and over again. And over again. Why do you think she sabotaged his relationship now? She's playing the long game. I'll tell you this. One time I gave my cousin a back massage and I got an erection. That's... Nobody asked you anything, Mike. Oh, all right, okay.

No, I thought we were talking about, you know. They're laughing. We're done with our family. If you don't have a cousin you want to fuck, you're out of your mind. Everybody has a cousin they want to fuck. Yeah, exactly. Because it's not real.

Running around in the swimsuits, summertime. Consoling each other. You can get an erection touching that mic stand right now. Me? Yeah, you can get it. That's flattering, you think I can get an erection. I got big hopes for you, buddy. Thanks, Jordan.

You guys heard it here first. Mike Racine can get an erection. Wait, you cleaned out Woody Allen's house? Yeah, I cleaned out his basement. When I worked for 1-800-GOT-JUNK. I was looking at the job schedule and it said, client named Sunyi Previn, and I said,

oh, is that Woody Allen's daughter? And the guy I was working with was like, yeah, yeah, because her father is Andre Previn, and then I had this fantasy where I was like, oh, I'm going to show them my Conan set. And they're going to be like, oh, you're so

funny. You know, I thought they were going to be like, oh, you're so funny. You know, I thought they were going to be like normal. And what really happened? Well, she is not normal. I'll tell you that. What happened? Well, Sunyi Previn is... Traumatized by fucking her dad?

Yes, we get that. Crazy person. And also traumatized by a young Mike Ricevi being like, watch my comedy. No, that's not what happened. So she had to get raped twice? That's just how I thought it would go. You know, because I had

just done Conan, you know, a few months before. In the leather jacket? No, that was... No, no, thanks. So why was she fucked up? Anyway, this guy clearly wants to say something. What were you going to say? He's on the edge of his seat.

He wants to know about Sunni Previn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell us. He wants to know about Sunni Previn. Yeah, she was weird. How? She's like Asian weird or like weird weird? You know what I mean?

Well, what is Asian weird? You know what it is. Well, guys. Don't fuck around with me. All Asians are weird when you think about it, huh? That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. Wait, explain.

All Asians act like they were molested by Woody Allen. Wait, how was she... What did she do that you, Mike Racine, deemed weird? She was just very like... She didn't really talk or make eye contact. And she was like...

She didn't see my code. Real fucking weird. I set up my iPhone. Yeah, yeah. With my set playing and she didn't look at it. Did you really do that? No, no, no, no, no. I thought Woody Allen was going to be there

and I thought he was going to be like, oh wow, you're very funny. Wow, this garbage man is very funny. But he wasn't there. He was probably raping some other child. You know? Wow. But anyway, but I kind of want to hear

more about your Woody Allen theory. Oh, no? You can't back it up? You can't back it up in front of 26 people? Dude, there's more than 26 people. It's about 26. It's a complicated case.

This guy's got a cup of pretzels. Wait, do you want to give him a mic? He's eating pretzels out of a cup. Woody Allen does not want you defending him. Should we give him a mic? He didn't adopt her, right?

So it was Mia Farrow and Andre Previn adopted Soon-Yi Previn. Yeah, it ahead. You know, Mia Farrow and Andre Previn adopted Soon-Yi Previn. Yeah. That's fair enough. Yeah, it's not manslaughter if it's not your car. Yeah, you're saying she's just some disposable Korean woman that you're allowed to fuck.

Oh, here we go. Here we go. It's a very impassioned topic. Is that how you guys met on Hinge? Yeah. Is that how you guys met on Hinge? Why do you care so much about these fucking maniacs? The only question

I want to ask you, and I'm glad you two freaks found love. No, you guys are great. Join the Patreon. Patreon.com slash beatingpod. I want it. I agree.

Hold on, hold on. Wasn't Sunni underage when they started fucking? Mike, it's all semantics. I don't think so. The only correct answer to these questions is no. That's the one thing he doesn't know. He just ignores that.

Woody Allen had an Olsen twin style countdown clock. He's like, oh, I can't wait for him to turn 18 so we can fuck. Anyone else have a question that's not about a Jew rapist? Yeah. Any other questions?

All right, what other Jew rapist do you want to defend here tonight? Jesus Christ. Any other questions? Anyone? Fucking someone asked something. No, those girls on Epstein's plane knew what they were getting into.

No, nobody knew. This is great. Should we change the subject? Do we have any other questions for, you know, Jordan? Guys? Jordan and Tommy? Have you ever successfully played your Conan set to someone

while you're... Removing their trash. No, because I can't listen to it. I don't like my voice. My voice is very nasally. You're pretty hot on that Conan set. You look great. I watched it the other day. I'm married.

I'm married. I'm happily married. My dick doesn't work, but I'm happily married. You're all going to leave here saying Mike Racine can get an erection, right? Yeah.

All right. Because the doors are locked in the outside until you do. Yeah, you know the exit ticket? Your exit ticket is just saying Mike Racine's dick works.

Say the words. Oh, fuck. All right, any questions for the gang? There we go, guy in the back. All right, we got a gentleman in the back. How long does this cord go? I have so many questions for this couple, though.

Go ahead, buddy. When you guys are traveling and watching porn, do you change the category depending on the city you're in? What? Do you watch redneck porn when you're in Texas? I watch redneck porn if I'm in New York City, baby. Anywhere I am, I'm watching redneck porn. Wait, you can look at porn on the website?

Do you ever go to Skyline Chili and then go, oh, I want some diarrhea porn? Let's watch some Japanese women doodoo on each other. The beauty of this question is that he truly does this. Yeah, do you do that? Yeah, I'm not an insurancee in person. How does it vary? Don't defend yourself.

If you go to Kentucky, you watch incest porn. You know what I mean? So you're going to move to Kentucky? There's a time and a place for everything. Yeah, yeah. It's like, are you influenced by your environment? Are you on the road a lot, sir? Yeah.

That's very interesting. Sorry, what do you do for a living? I manage hotels and bars. Okay. And then so how do your porn searches differ in different cities that you're in? Yeah, by what he's seeing out in the world. So he sees a bunch of Daisy Dukes that day. He's jerking off the Daisy Duke porn.

Yeah. I mean, every day. What about New York? What's New York? What are you watching in New York? Loud Puerto Ricans? If you play video games all day, what are you jerking off to? That's good. It's good to be organized.

I'm going to jerk off to whatever I ate that day. That's what I'm going to do. We know what you watch in New York. You watch an acidic woman get gangbanged by... Excuse me. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. So different areas have different porn?

No. God damn it. Hold on. No, he's saying like in Chicago he watches Gang rape It's incest Let's go state by state In Vermont he watches people overdose on fentanyl

Ready Here's a quiz New York City You watch an acidic woman get gangbanged By her 12 kids It didn't work the first time. That's because he was talking over me. I know you were trying to get it out earlier.

Thank God you gave it a second go. Anyway, Tommy, what were you saying? What do you watch in Flint, Michigan? Clean water. Just Obama jerking off. Wow, look at that. All porn is dirty. What about Florida?

That's a good one. My parents live in Florida. So you watch your parents. I like that. Really, the whole state is off limits. This isn't real. None of this is real. How is each person asking questions getting creepier?

All right, let's get back to talking about Woody Allen. All right, any other questions? One last question. Good. What are you guys doing later? What are you guys doing later? What are you guys doing, you know, like, tonight after this? What are you guys going to get up to? Great movie.

Now, let me ask you this, though. I mean, obviously, you guys still enjoy Woody Allen's movies, right? Blue Jasmine was amazing. Of all of his movies? 100%. 100? 100%. 100%. Yeah. Me too.

Yeah. But are the movies amazing? But now that you know he's a child rapist, are you like, oh, this is just a child rapist lying to us. Can you trust him as being a good filmmaker?

You don't think he's a pharaoh? I mean, dude, this is so funny. He's like, I love... This is crazy. What are you guys doing? What kind of bars do you like going to? At what neighborhood

are you guys from? Where are you from? I got, let him fucking do it. Where are you from? I got an extra set of New York hats. Where'd you get that hat? Don't do it. Does that say John 316 on it? Austin 316. Yeah, hell yeah.

All right, sick. Wrestling. Isn't wrestling? Wrestling is cool. I don't know. I didn't really watch as much as I did. We've been wrestling this whole night. I like it.

You didn't watch Willie Allen as a kid? All right, that's a podcast. Thank you guys so much for coming out. We really appreciate it. Chris O'Connor, Tommy Pong, Jordan Jensen, Ian Byance, and Mike Racine. Thank you. This really means a lot.

Have a good night, everybody. Bye-bye.