Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 020: "RSVP'Ian" W/ Mike Recine and Family

Episode Date: December 14, 2022

Auntie Ian and Uncle Jordan do a terrible job playing babysitter for sweet Mike Recine and his lovely wife, Deb. Children should not, I repeat, should NOT be allowed in the Delaware Den! Thanks for listening! Sub to the Patreon for goodies! https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod Follow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/ Follow Mike Recine on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mikerecine/ Produced by : Jordan Hayman & Ethan Dupree https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian

Being Ian And life is. When you're being Ian. Being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a life. Being Ian. Being Ian. With Jordan.

With Jordan. Your hair looks really pretty right now. Thank you so much. You look very pretty. Do I? Benny. Benny. Can you blow me a kiss?

Somehow you just made it look like your face was in Texas Chainsaw. In, in, in. Can you blow me a kiss? Oh, we're a booger. Blow a kiss? Aw, thank you. You can't. Blow me a kiss. Benny. Benny, blow me a kiss. You can't. Blow me a kiss.

Benny, blow me a kiss. Benny, blow me a kiss. Oh, you got a gay kid. You're not gay. You're a sick fuck. And so what if he is? Blow me a kiss on my wiener. High five.

Oh, Benny, high five. Don't touch him. Oh, my goodness. You're so cute. So cute. How did you come from this, man? Yeah, how did you come from him? Smack him.

What do you mean? Smack him. Smack him. Smack daddy. Yeah. Oh, my God. For those of you just joining us, it's another episode of Beanie and with Jordan. And we realized that Michael's child, Benjamin, calls him mom.

Mama. Mama. Screams like this. Is that mama? And then he goes, oh, no, I'm here, honey. And he holds him to his breasts. What are you doing on your phone? My wife.

I'm sorry. You know, I tried hard to make sure this didn't happen. You know what? We noticed that and I wanted Ben on the podcast so you made both options available so now I'm getting what I want.

Ian's getting what he wants. We really appreciate it. Yeah. I'm trying to like keep up, you know, with everybody else. I know, I know. I'm a kid and it's... Yeah, it's tough.

Yeah, but if you... It's tough. Look at these jokers over here. Do you bring him on the road? If Deb comes, yeah. Oh, you won't bring him on the road just yourself? Well, she won't want to be away from him. If I got a French Bulldog, could I bring it on the road?

Yeah. Really? On airplanes? A French Bulldog's not a kid. Very similar. I guarantee you would get a dog and hate it because it's a responsibility yeah it you you think having a kid's at home right now with the oven on yeah i'm not sure if i left the oven on when i left you didn't i was just in a rush nobody ever leaves

yeah but i did toast myself some bread i made a little roast pork little roast pork broccoli rob and provolone sandwich for lunch i toasted some bread i'm not sure if I turned the, I'm pretty sure I did. The only way the oven gets left on is with one thing, sweet potatoes. You put it in there, you forget about it because you don't really want to eat it, but you wanted to try it and be healthy. Right. A year and a half later, you come back, whole family's there. Dude, you know, the other night I was feeling really depressed, so I put a sweet potato

in the oven and I held onto it to feel warm. I hate you so much. Yeah, I did. Can you go back? How can you remember if you never knew, which isn't even a tag to a joke? It doesn't even make sense. Yeah, because the way my jokes work is it's in how you say it and perform it. Oh, good.

So nothing that could ever be read on a piece of paper and laughed at. Yeah, because no one can steal anything. Nice. Can't wait for your album audio to come out and nobody to be able to understand any of it because they have to see you bouncing off the wall like a clown in order to laugh. Hey, did you guys have a depression session? Hey, depression session's

a good one. I think I'm going to do that. That's a good idea. Can I use that? But I did take a baked potato and hold on to it. Did you eat the potato? I don't want to hear jokes. I always say it.

I put a sweet potato in the oven last night for eight minutes and I took it out and held on to it until I fell asleep. See? Everybody's laughing. That's kind of a Gen Z joke. What?

Right? It's kind of like safe. Put a sweet potato in the oven for eight minutes, took it out and held on to it until I fell asleep. It's just a true thing that happened. Is it?

Yeah. You really did that? Yeah. I was just watching TV and I eight minutes, took it out and held on to it until I fell asleep. It's just a true thing that happened. Is it? Yeah. You really did that? Yeah. I was just watching TV and I was like, this is warm and nice. It was like over the pandemic and I fell asleep. Really? Yeah. I have a sad existence.

I'm a sad, sad, just racked with horrible, crippling depression all day. The amount of times I'm in the shower and end up on my butt. No, I take sit down showers, which is the most depressing thing you could ever hear. Take a bath. I really got into Epsom salts. You know what happens when I take a fucking bath? Now is the time you have to use the bathroom.

You haven't needed it all day, but now that I'm in the tub, one of my eight roommates needs to use the bathroom. Do you really get clean when you take a bath no it's more of a relaxation i do all the things for cleanliness what's going on with the hood man okay you don't like it i never said that i thought the most genius thing jake was like pitching idea idea jokes to me and he was like what what about like the KKK is hiding under the blanket because they're scared of black people? And I was like, I think that might be genius.

Like they're scared. You know how you hide under the covers? You might be mentally retarded. I can't tell. You know what I mean? You know when you think of something like the Down Syndrome doctor, I was like, this is revolutionary. We're going to change lives. And then I read things in the morning. Maybe someone was pranking you with the cab driver.

I mean, I thought it was funny last night that I wrote down, men watch porn to masturbate, but women just end up masturbating while they're watching anything. You know what I mean? And I was like, all women do this. We never talk about it. I have to bring this up on stage. And then I read it in the morning.

It was like, I masturbate to Great British Bake Off. And I was like, who are you? What is wrong with you? Women said that? that no i wrote that down in my sleep oh women be like it's like the most it's terrible females they'd be masturbating oh you know how these females be masturbating a great british bake off oh i think my bread is done you trifling yeah who's that there's a oh a great british break oh i see man i like you the best out of everybody in this room okay yeah i agree he is gay that's not what he said he uses not what he says he uses homosexuality make him who you what Homosexuality.

I make him who? You. What? He uses homosexuality as a vice to cover up from the fact that it's what he wants for his future. Isn't that right? No. All right. We're starting the episode now.

Welcome to another episode of Be Me and Jordan. And this is, listen, you fucking pumpkin face bitch. I'm here to say. I'm not a pumpkin face bitch. You made a face like it earlier when I complimented you. Look at Ben. Oh, Benny. Benny boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes, hide from the scary clown man. Oh, am I a scary clown? No, he likes it. Can I hold him? Oh, look at that. Look at this. Look at that. I think I'm going to get a French bulldog.

Just looking at this. They're going to say get a baby. No, I can't get a baby. That's awful. I can't believe that came out of Deb. Isn't that wild? Guarantee you get a French bulldog, you're going to hate it.

Just crazy. He was smaller. He was a lot smaller. My sister, when she was pregnant, you get a French bulldog, you're going to hate it. Just crazy. He was smaller. He was a lot smaller. My sister, when she was pregnant, said, I'm about to pop, and I fainted immediately. Was he C-section or vagina section? Vagina section. He was vagina section. Yeah, hi, I'm looking for the vagina section of the store.

You're like whispering it when you go to the store. You're like, where's the vagina section? I You're like where's the Where's the vagina section I'm having a hard time finding the vagina section What sir could you speak up The vagina section The vagina section The vagina I'm looking for the vagina section

The record scratch He doesn't want you Jordan Wow he represents most of the population. Do you want mommy? God, this fucking kid embarrassed me. He says dada. Say dada. Mama.

He won't say. Oh, baby. Yeah, yeah. He goes mama and he ran over and was like, ma, this here. Look at him. Look at him. Look at him. Can you say mama? Oh, my God.

He's weird. He doesn't like, yeah. Oh, Deb's here. Oh, she's here? Yeah. All right. So you're going to give him to Deb. Okay.

Or is she coming downstairs? Who's here? Is that him? You go get Deb. Leave the baby with us. Come Deb. Leave the baby with us. Come on, leave the baby with Aunt Ian and Uncle Jordan. Come on, leave the baby with Auntie Ian and Uncle Jordan. That's who we are.

Isn't that fun? Isn't it so weird how white trash, no matter how old they are, they always have an aunt? Like a hundred-year-old white trash, toothless, mush toothless mush mouth lady's always like i dropped off my grandma and you're like you're a hundred thousand years old do they live forever are you talking about white trash people of older relatives yeah yeah because trash people have kids younger so of course an older person's gonna have someone that's alive or closer to them that's older because they had them when they were younger. Oh.

Oh, yeah, right. The 100-year-old bush-mouthed lady who's like, my grandma dropped me off. That's because she had her when she was 11. Yes. And then her mom had her when she was 11, so her grandma is a normal mother's age. Yep. Duh. Yep. Of course that's what it is. This is a segment we like to call Another Reason why men are smarter than women

It's true It is true Men are smarter than women Pretty much Absolutely not What? Deb! Hi Deb!

Do you want to come on the podcast? This is a fucking disaster. Come on, sit down. Come on, have a seat. Go ahead, Deb. You look great. Make fun of her, Steve. She's actually pretty good on microphone.

Yeah? Let's see. Maybe you'll be better than your husband. Because he's not that good. No, the last episode was fine. You've been great. You guys have been doing this for 50 hours. You have nothing to say?

Yeah, we've been doing it for 50 hours. That's what it feels like. Yeah, 50 hours. That's what it feels like. Yeah, me too. That's what it looks like. Yeah. Oh, my God, Deb. Look, I'm quite sick. I'm very ill.

Oh. Yeah. No, I'm not sick. Here we go. How's it going? What are you guys talking about? Really nothing of substance. Yeah, we were talking about how Ian uses gay sex

as a mechanism to quell his inner anxieties. No. That's what we were talking about. But then Ian made us cut the podcast and start it again. So that's why your husband's being held here more hostage

because of Ian's denial. Racine said that your pussy looks like a Doberman. We know, we know. Doberman? That's an amazing way of... I would love if I had a dog. That's a tight dog. Actually, we go to a place in Scourge and say, can you make her pussy look like a Doberman. We know. Doberman. That's an amazing way. I would love if I had a dog. That's a tight dog.

Actually, we go to a place in Georgia and say, can you make her pussy look like a Doberman picture? Deb, how do you feel about bleaching buttholes? I think it should be done. Should.

Which is crazy coming from a hippie who's disgusting. But hear me out. You poop out of it your whole life. Once a lifetime, you should bleach it

to cleanliness. Just reset factory settings. It should be like rotating your mattress yes my grandma did your grandma do that she would have us rotate her mattress what do you mean rotate the mattress like rotate the mattress yeah every like three months or something really yeah so it doesn't make sense but i don't like did your family have all their furniture in plastic wrap no really mine did? Mine did. Yeah. Whoa.

I didn't know you're that. It's an Italian thing. Yeah. No, it's a Dominican thing. Is it? It's Dominican, Puerto Rican. We stole it from the Dominicans. Yeah.

We colonized it. Getting your haircut every 10 minutes is a Dominican thing. Every 10 minutes. Getting your furniture wrapped in plastic is an Italian thing. Yeah, you might be right. I think it's an old port thing. Dude, it's like having a cigarette break. I think it is old port.. Yeah, you might not find it. I think it's an old-fashioned thing. Dude, it's like having a cigarette break. I think it's old-fashioned.

It's like you're Dominican. It's like having a cigarette break at work. You're allowed a haircut break every 40 minutes. Hey, I gotta go get a heck. No, wait. How's the Dominican talk? I think that... What was that?

Whoa. That was just Italian. I think I just sounded... I think I just did deaf guy. Wait, how's a Dominican talk Hold on Hold on They talk like Hey

Hey Hey Dominican Dominican Dominican Dominican Dominican Dominican

Dominican Dominican Dominican Dominican Dominican Dominican Dominican Dominican

Dominican No it's just a deaf guy How come every time I'm in this basement I can't do impersonation It's weird Yeah you like You like can't be racist in the basement. There's something about these.

There's like a spell cast on it. Yeah, it's a good. Because it's a warm-hearted, wonderful place. Yeah. I'm sorry. So we're pro-bleaching. I'm very tired. You're pro-bleaching assholes.

Yeah. I mean, how many times have you seen your asshole? I'm going to, Deb. You're pro bleaching assholes. Yeah. I mean, do you, how many times have you seen your asshole? I'm going to say nine. Yeah? Like, because you were bent over in front of me. Because we stay in hotels a lot. And when you're in hotels, weird shit goes down. Yeah, you wear a robe and look at your asshole.

You do. You just look at your asshole. You just bend over that sink for some reason and you look at your asshole. I do heinous shit in hotel rooms we share hotel rooms and you're now just telling me this what i'm talking about when comics are alone in hotel rooms and you say go for it that's your room guys i'm sorry i'm sorry this is such a disaster it's not a disaster why are you cutting her off and I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is such a disaster.

It's not a disaster. Why are you cutting her off and insulting my son? Yeah. Yeah. How dare you? But I mean, the only time I've really seen my asshole for an extensive period of time is when I was having a baby. Why were you looking at it?

They pulled over a mirror and didn't even ask me. Why would they do that? I guess they thought the biofeedback of like, you know, it'll help you get the baby out. Because you start to see like the baby's hairs coming out after about 14 hours or so. So they want you to see. No, I did not tear. Really? You didn't tear?

No, I had like three scrapes. That's my girl. Strongest pussy walls in Staten Island, baby. Holy shit. That didn't tear you? No, well, he was smaller. Nice. Mom, the doctor said he's never seen

stronger pussy walls. Hey, was you working your pussy out for months before this or what? American made. Did you do a lot of no tearing things like coconut oiling? I did everything that research shows anything would be helpful. Like what?

I mean, any type of exercise is like Kegels. I did any sort of, I didn't do. You know how like, you know how like when you go to a dry cleaner, you go to like a Chinese dry cleaner and they know everything about dry cleaning. Yeah. That's like Deb with pussies and giving birth. I feel like dry cleaners rip me off and lie to me every time.

Just go with the bit, Jordan. Just fucking yes and the bit. It's just weird in New York. It's like notorious. Shut the fuck up. It's just like a notorious fact about New York City dry cleaners. A notorious fact about comedies.

You're supposed to keep the bit going. Well, it just seemed almost like a parody of your own bit because it's just a known thing that dry cleaners never know what the fuck

they're doing and they have like a gambling ring going on. Yeah, they take your clothes and they fuck them all up. They've lost like eight of his shirts. Really?

Yeah, they really have and meet every time. I forget where you use the laundromat. Well, Mike brings his grease stains to the laundromat very frequently. I mean, to the dry cleaner. And they get them out. He gets them out now.

He taught me how to get them out. Yeah, I get them out on my own. Yeah, they don't do it. Unless you dry them. If you dry them, they're permanent. A little advice. I think I'm going to give him breast milk right now. Oh, you can.

You can. Go for it. It's behind a Patreon wall. So people will have to pay $5 to see it. Yeah, go ahead. Free the nipple. Breast it up. Which is what you should be charging Mike. Jordan's going to bleach your butt.

You're breastfeeding the kids. Me and Mike are going to suck pee out of each other's dongs. Let's do it. Well, it didn't look particularly dark. Really? All right. Get it out. Mike, you've seen it more than her.

I've been secretly ble than her Twice a month It's not It's like a darker pink Borderline purple I was surprised that it was lighter than what I At least have seen on Mike's OnlyFans Pages that he subscribes to Wait you look at his OnlyFans?

Nope He used to stalk his computer to make sure he wasn't following anyone in comedy because that bothers me. Yeah, that's not okay. But you don't care if it's regular OnlyFans people. No, I wouldn't care about that. But if it's comedy people...

Why? How? Yeah, that would really aggravate me. She's very healthy. I don't follow OnlyFans people that we know because I feel weird that they know that I know that I'm seeing them, you know? Right, and then you see them in person. No, thank you.

I'll do it for little baby Anthony. You just want them to be accessible. You can jerk off to porn, but it can't be your buddies. For sure. But it's kind of fun that you can be an acquaintance with someone and then you can pay $14 and see your asshole. That's why people like it. It's like when you have a

sex dream about somebody, but unlocked. It's crazy. Right. You're like when you have a sex dream about somebody but unlocked it's crazy right you're like oh okay i guess this is because because you would just because 50 years ago you would just work with a woman you know she her name was pam or something and you'd be like god i really want to see her pussy and asshole but you never would you would die being like like your only regret like after having grandkids is that you never got to see pam's asshole right but in 2022 if you have 1395 this is the only fans commercial while wife and son are in the shot it's just but now 2022 it's just an interesting thing if pam had an only fans like anytime i looked i'd be like aren't these people sick of looking at themselves yet? Or like running out of ideas.

The women who you, who you are like, okay, I get to see them naked are women who already have, you've, you've basically seen naked. Yeah. It's not like they're walking around. Yeah. It's not like, it's not like fucking what's her name? The, you know, Rebecca, what's her name? Rachel McCartney.

Feinstein. Rachel McCartney. The comedian. Yeah. It's not like she's showing her asshole. Right. We all wish though. Shout out to Rachel McCartney. Very funny.

She's so funny. I haven't seen her in a while. Her Twitter is up. The baby's wet again. Did you bring clothes? Because it's cold out. Did I bring clothes? Is the babysitter still upstairs? No.

Oh, okay. She left. I saw her walking to the train. I couldn't even say hi. I had to run here because I didn't know what was happening. But this seems all right. What did you bring? Did you bring clothes for the baby?

Did I bring clothes? I brought a coat and I brought an extra diaper and wipes. He had a whole thing on when he came in here. Yeah, he had a coat. He's got a coat. Yeah. He's not that wet. He's going to be soaking wet in the future.

You just closed that and made a shaky toy out of it. He's a genius. He is a genius. Yeah, he's advanced. I mean, I'm qualified to say so myself. Where'd he get that from? Look at him. I feel like that's crazy.

He's just chugging on his own? He's drinking. He opened it. It's not that crazy. He closed the lid, shook it up, and then opened it and drank it. He doesn't know what he's doing. He's just fumbling around. He's got great fine motor skills, Ian. Fine motor skills.

What are you doing? He doesn't know what he's doing. You can't do anything. You fucking suck. You think he's going, oh, now I want to shake it. You're a gay man. It's cause and effect. Listen, you horse tooth whore.

Shut up. All right. All right. But you don't need to. God damn. Every time I'm around you, I don't know if I should slap you or throw on a saddle. Listen, that didn't rebuttal. It didn't rebuttal after gay man.

Oh, man. Do not cry. You can't say that to a child. I like this little sinking thing. He's got this idea that he has the weak leg. Yes. Yes. I have no legs. I didn't that to a child. I like this little sinking thing he's got, this idea that he has. The weak legs. Yes, yes. I have no legs.

Where they just fall forward and decide to give up and torment you. Yeah. I mean, maybe I will just exit and get a pizza with him since all I ate today was a donut. I should say the child has already had pizza. I know. I thought we talked about this. Yeah, Deb, take it easy. One donut donut too many

why don't you just go walk around for a bit save it I will kill you I'm at my lowest Ruth got him a pizza are you yeah

why because I can't I didn't even oh your lowest weight I thought you said I'm at my lowest like right now no that's not how

we talk we say we're at our lowest weight which is our highest mental state or I want to kill myself and we're very fat I mean we did just move to the ghetto oh yeah but i'm into it i like oh yeah look how smart the baby is what do you mean putting that thing in a hole that's better than you can do you freaking gay man what am i gay again i don't know yeah that's right well why don't you show us some you don't think that cool? That he literally is trying to put a thing inside of a thing? Yeah. Close it up. Very good. Shake it up.

Shake it. Yeah. He's just imitating his dad making his nightly martini. Or broke his drink again. You're all skinny from chasing him around. I just never feel like I ever have the opportunity to eat. You look great. I feel like I look

good. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, well, it looks like you found it. Why don't you run with me in Prospect Park? You don't look that far from me. Why don't you do strength training with me? Because I don't want to get stronger. We need to box.

Okay. With Sergio. Yeah. I just want to sleep and eat. That's all I want to do. We should do it every Tuesday. Okay. Or Monday morning.

It's funny that comedians all go to the same therapist and the same trainer. I don't like going to the same therapist. I don't do that. It's a hat? No. You don't go to Dr. Allen? No. Do you?

No. I did. I liked him a lot. Great. Yeah. Really? Yeah. I thought he was great.

Dr. Allen. Oh, I'm trying to go to Dr. Allen. Are you seeing Dr. Allen? No, but I did years ago. I'm trying to do it, but I think he's probably too full. Yeah, but he's good. With every comic in the organization. I. Allen. Oh, I'm trying to go to Dr. Allen. Are you seeing Dr. Allen? No, but I did years ago. I'm trying to do it, but I think he's probably too full. Yeah, but he's good. With every comic in New York. I'm sure.

Yeah, it's a bit much. I don't want to go to someone that knows everyone's business. I used to feel that way, and now I'm like, I just want to be able to say the name. Right, because sometimes in the session he'll be like, you know, I have a client who, and I'm like, you're talking about Sam Morrell. So that's good. That's good to know that. Hey, Sam. I heard some dirt on you yeah i don't want

to see comics in the office that's what i don't want to do like pass joe list on my way in yeah that will happen yeah that's like every time he went he told me who was before and answer him well i would see people there and i'd be like still had to middle during therapy. That's good. That was good. Jordan likes to gang up on people. Have you noticed that? I just like to not be the butt of it. It's hard for me as a woman.

Every time I come home, he's crying to some Disney movie. No, I'm not. I watched Coco recently. You're so sweet. I'm talking to Ben. He's crying He is He gets so sad about fake things

Like what? Like movies Because he's empathetic Yeah I guess so It's an outlet Sorry am I ganging up on you now? You look like you have a sad eye Women are always bullying me

So you cried during Coco have you seen it no what's it about it's about a lot it's like well it's about these it's about this Mexican family

and they're not allowed to play music that was the drunkest baby thing I've ever he picks it up pours it down his body all down his body he goes

wait so it's like a Mexican footloose baby thing I've ever... He picks it up, pours it down his body. All of that in his body goes... Wait, so it's like a Mexican footloose? It's a movie about El Dios de los Muertos. It's a movie about death. Yeah. Oh, what?

Like the death of this wood? The more your son pours water on it? I just watched that movie so much. It's a beautiful piece. Yeah. Just missing chunks

Get him, honey. That's right. Tell him. Shut up. Tell him, babe. This is very Get him, honey. That's right. Tell him. Shut up. Tell him, babe. This is very free. God, I love you. I cried at Brave.

You did? I didn't watch that. I'm not like trying to see more movies, really. But they're kids movies. Oh, he's not old enough to like watch movies. No, he can.

I just like, I'd like to, for as long as possible, watch the ones that I like before I have to like. He will get to a point where he's like, I will only watch Mickey and you'll want to kill yourself. Yeah, totally.

So I'm like. Don't ever let him see Mickey. Because it gives them a drug. It gives them some sort of. All of the, all of screen time is addicting. Really? It's all. Yeah.

And it's all like. Shut up. Fast information. Also, like for somebody who's so sensitive and empathetic, he says the worst shit. Who, Mickey? No, my husband. And he doesn't like

me. No, you should have saw Ian earlier. I had Benjamin blow him a kiss and Ian went like this and put his hand on his crotch. Inappropriate. You should fuck him up. It was inappropriate. I'm sorry. You want to leave? I'm sorry I just snitched on you. What the hell, man?

Your kid is always wet. Who am I? I'm just tattling on my friends. Honey, guess what? He did. He's way worse. He says way worse. I'm not that bad of a man he says horrible things

Ian's a pedophile Ian tried to bang our son no I didn't I tried to make a gay joke thank you when Nick and I were at Laugh Boston the manager came back

to the green room she's this black woman Joanne oh yeah she's great yeah she's nice and I was like when she left I was like nick and madge she came back and she was like so y'all the motherfucker's talking that bullshit and me being like oh no it was mostly him he does more racial jokes than me actually

it's fun to yeah yeah snitching on people is funny it's the best yeah it's also hard being married to someone You have to hear the same story Like every time Oh my god I'm sorry Like I heard this He already did the Joanne thing to you?

No he tells No he tells lots of people The B&E listeners Haven't heard this story I get it God damn it Yeah Yeah it's the worst

I heard this story before I heard this story many times. There's like people who listen to this show. It's a great story. I just said that it's hard for me. You're telling a story that I've heard already? Because everything's about me and my asshole. Benjamin thinks we didn't even finish talking about my asshole.

Tell us more about your asshole. Well, I think it looked pretty fine. It was nice and light pink. I think that's the ideal color. Light pink? You didn't rip and your asshole is light pink? Like pre-bleach pink? Really? Well, I've had her on a steady diet for many years.

I feed her small amounts of bleach. Just enough bleach to not make her die but have her shit out clean. Now, I mean, when they pulled over the mirror, I feed my wife. Just enough bleach to not make her die, but have her shit out clean. No, I mean, when they pulled over the mirror, I didn't like what I saw. Oh, okay, okay, okay. I was just like, oh, I see the appeal.

Sign me up for only that. Honey, honey, would you like some more? I was like, that is horrendous. Honey, would you like some more plain Cheerios? But it was the right color. It's the right color. Okay, okay, okay. Yeah.

I feel like mine is dark pink to purple. Look, I'm being actually funny and she's talking over me. The asshole? Yeah. Yeah, I feel like, I don't know, vagina tissue. That could do work for, I could do work there. There's like that surgery where you can like eliminate some of the tissue. Oh my God, labiaplasty.

Yes, I'd get that. Really? Yeah, that'd be one of my favorites. To get your lips lasered off? Take them off. Yeah, I think I've seen it on... No, stop, honey. I'd like a rubber band wrapped around everything. No, wait, are the lips

like the outside? Yeah, the labia majora. Thank you so much. Yeah, oh my god. And the hat? You're a bit much. Oh good, he has whooping cough. No, he's just choking. Has he gotten RSV yet? Yeah, it was awful.

Brutal. Really? He also had bronchiolitis. Be careful. Did you have to miss anything because of the RSV? I guess you had to make sure you RSVP. He also had genital herpes. Shut up. Michael.

Fuck you, Ethan. Alright? You piece of shit. I know it's so dumb. That's why I said it. I don't need to hear you mouth so dumb. Like I'm fucking here wasting your time. That was awesome. You fucking dick.

What the hell, man? Oh, is it a chore to be here, asshole? The hell? I guess Ian feels ganged up on, too. Yeah, well, that's fucked up. Yeah. Would you say Ian is my best friend? You were legit mad.

You were so, so dumb. What was he mad about? Yeah, he was pissed that I made a RSVP joke. Like, he like, oh my God. RSVP. And he took it personally. Yeah. Yeah, he went, oh, so dumb.

What am I doing with my life? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I moved here for this shit. Yeah, I moved here for this. I used to live in Denver Yeah go back there Go back then asshole You know what you were getting when the podcast was called

Being Ian It's not the most high Thought out thing Actually he almost called the podcast RSVP RSVP I'm sorry, did you say RSVP Fuck this Mom, mom, I want to come home

I hate New York Mom, mom, go to the Western Union on Church Street, please. Hurry. Fast. Mom, can you just put me in flight? Mom. I'm so sorry, Ethan. He looked in my vicinity and he'd be so dumb,

and your eyes just snapped and grabbed him as you did it. It was such an organic thing. It's just so dumb and your eyes just snapped and grabbed him as you did it. Oh, it was such an organic thing. It just really just so dumb. It's so fucking dumb. Good. I'm glad you're going to have to watch that 20 times over in the process. I hope you enjoy it.

You're going to clip this, buddy boy. I thought of my bro humor on a podcast where we have a toddler. Yeah, we literally have a toddler. They're talking about assholes and I'm making RSVP puns. Sorry, this isn't fucking

Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me or fucking some other amazing... With Josh Gondelman. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus Christ. We asked Josh Gondelman to do the show. He said never. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus Christ. Yeah. We asked Josh Gondelman to do the show. He said never. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Sorry my name's not a partner not Churla. Yeah, exactly. Fuck you. That is so funny. Oh, so dumb. That's right. So what are these jokes?

You're going to see. That was like anger. Oh, Gabe. It was crazy. Fucking Roger Ebert over here. Even I was like, jeez. Oh, yeah. Dude, that was wild. Oh, look who needs attention.

Oh, sugar. I have to go. Oh, sugar. Oh, let's censor ourselves now after we just talked about bleached buttholes and pussy lips. Oh, shucks. How much does it cost to bleach your ass holes? I don't know.

Good question. And how long does it take? Patreon.com slash B&E and Pod. Is it like laser hair removal? Donate so we can make this happen. Because I wouldn't be interested then. If what? Because you know how you have to go to laser hair removal multiple times?

You don't have to do that. What? I'm saying you're beautiful. I'm saying you're beautiful the way you are. You're beautiful. I'm saying you're pretty. I'm saying you're not hairy. I'm saying you're not hairy.

I can go once. I just want to go once. Sure it's about anal bleaching. It allows to explain. These are the questions that I have. Oh, from men's health. Just imagine Jordan on a Tinder date. It's like a montage that's going really well.

And they're making each other laugh. And then she's like, do you want to go back to my place? He sees her asshole and he's like, you know what? I got to go. It doesn't last forever, so you have to keep doing it. 750 per area? Per square inch? Come on, get it.

You worth it, old gal. They charge you by the square inch like it's flooring? That one up there says 350. Do you think that there's a booklet where you get to pick out what color you want your butt to be after? What, like magenta? I think they bring it back to...

Yeah, it's like the Lord intended. Pure is a driven snow. You buy paint, there's so many shades of white. Do you want an eggshell? What time do you have to go? I gotta leave in an hour. Maybe can your asshole do blackface?

Can you get it darker? You get cancelled for darkening your asshole? Well, I was thinking so. What? Nope, that's a lighter. No, no. He won't figure out. He's not smart enough.

He's a genius. He's got a child love. He's saturated. He's going to be outside in the freezer. Oh, when did you get so saturated? When you were complimenting him. He's really good at drinking and putting a cap on. She said that, not me.

How long are we at? Oh, 30. Oh, God, he's getting more on himself. Poor little fella. No, no, no, no. Hot. Poor little fella. Can we toss his onesie in the microwave, maybe?

Does that work? No, I think that would be no good at all. I think it would blow up the buttons. Anything in the oven. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. No, now he's shaking it up without the thing on it. Stop, stop, stop.

Oh, my God. Now he's shaking it up without the thing on it. Benjamin, you are so wet. He's being so precious. Oh, God. Now he's hitting you. Well, we were training him to hit. Is he doing what he learned at home? We're giving him attention. Yeah, he sees me beating the piss out of my...

Because I know you don't think that I'm the one. Oh, Benjamin. What's the matter? You little wet guy. I noticed the same way you look at and talk to him is the same way I talk to my cat. Yes. Unhealthily. Yes.

Sadly. I'm going to get death threats for this episode. Why do you have scrubs on? Because I'm a speech language pathologist in the clinical setting. Oh, it's in a clinical setting. What does that mean? I work with children and adults with speech language communication feeding and swallowing disorders. Or as Ian said once, what do you just do? Tell them to open and close their mouth? God, Ian's such a fucking cunt. I can't believe you talked to my wife that way. He's like, so what do you just tell them to go like, ma, ma, ma?

I didn't do that. What? Did I? You did when we shot our little... Oh, that was... Ian needs a fucking manners pathologist. That's also speech pathology. That's pragmatic language skills... Oh, that was... Ian needs a fucking manners pathologist. That's also speech pathology. That's pragmatic language skills.

Oh, wow. Following social constructs. Yeah. I was joking. Yeah. Let's pull up the sex addiction quiz again. Ian's really... Ian's like really physically strong. Did you know that?

Yeah, yeah. I didn't anticipate that. I wasn't ready for how strong he was. How did you, where did you get beat? We shot a little sketch together. Oh, really? It was really strong.

Yeah, I figure you're strong. Yeah. And Mike's like, oh, he's being really rough with me. You're strong. You pushed me up. Stop embarrassing. You weren't even invited on the show.

Stop embarrassing me. I was recorded with Ian inviting me in. Yeah. It's on the pod. We used you to get to her. I made you bolognese sauce last night. Bolognese. That's in a whole other neighborhood on the other side of Brooklyn that you're holding me hostage here on this video podcast thing.

Wow, we do talk similarly. I see what you mean now. Yeah. I heard that ramble. I see what you mean now Yeah Yeah I heard that ramble I see what you mean You are in hell My next wife I'm gonna buy her from China I think

It's gonna be the opposite of this She's gonna be like Oh you made me Oh You tried to set fire to me Thank you for this Delicious sauce You should set fire to it

I will eat it in one hour Yeah take him down Oh bite daddy's toe again Take him down. I told you not to do that. Thank you. That was last time. So did all of our listeners.

So did all of us. Is that not weird, right? Well, I, one, don't want him to stab my son in the roof of the mouth with his long-ass toe nail. Okay, all right. Two. I'm a comic. It's dirty. I go for a laugh. Oh, that's nice. Thank you. I go for the laugh. You know, the kid biting my toe. It's dirty. I go for a laugh.

I go for the laugh. The kid biting my toe, it's funny. Sometimes it bleeds. I don't subscribe to everything that my husband does. You know what's funny? My parents, when I was teething, would give me frozen fruit and vegetables. Everyone loves to say the word. No, no, no. Frozen food and vegetables so would give me frozen fruit and vegetables. Everyone loves to say the brown. No, no, no.

Frozen food and vegetables so that I would like fruit and vegetables. So I've loved fruit and vegetables my whole life. So now you're just giving your child a foot fetish. Did they give you trans women's dicks too? They just had some trans prostitute. Wally, calm me, folks. This is 15 years in the making. Shut up.

We're having a good time. No, the two of you. Why are you coming over here and undermining me? She's killing you. I know. She treats me like shit. She's so funny. She's so funny.

Bye. You want to say bye Benjamin wants to end it Bye bye Ben Do you want to be all done Do you want all done Is this all done All done two hands All done

You want to be all done Wait do you know sign language too I only know like functional signs Like what All done Hey I want to be all done Thank you please Bye I want to be all done. Thank you, please.

Bye. I want to be all done, all done. He wants to take me out. Say final goodbye. I want to be starting the car in the garage. All done. Okay. Set to high. Plugging in a toaster. Putting car in the garage. All done. Set to high.

Plugging in a toaster. Putting it in the bathtub. That's all done. Oh, thanks for the towel, Jordan. That's going to be nice. Is she in the way of the camera? Jordan, be nicer. Be nice, but in... Well, maybe this is a nice angle that your patrons can enjoy.

Is it showing her ass crack? I wouldn't mind having two wives. Oh, my God. You could not keep up. I don't even know why you think that. Sexually? Anyway, he does not have the stamina. How often is his dick on the fritz?

I can't answer that because I'm just not really interested in doing much dick stuff lately. I'm tired. But it's because we had a baby. There's nothing wrong. There's nothing wrong with me physically. You see your camera? That is incredible Yeah because we had a baby

Your dick doesn't work Who said it doesn't work No it works great honey Yeah no I said there's It's very good On the last episode I said there's weeks When it works really well

And there's weeks Where it's like on the fritz. It clearly works. It clearly works, okay? I definitely came in a woman's pussy and made a baby, all right? So there should be no questions. So that's it. We're not going to fucking talk about this anymore.

Oh, God, he's it. We're not going to fucking talk about this anymore. Oh, God, he's angry. That's a ghost. Is it a ghost? Yeah, dry the baby off. There's nobody like her, you know? She's really one in a million. Uh-huh. Yeah, you are.

Yeah, I'm quite pleased with myself. You're a wonderful wife, partner, person, and mother. Thank you, Ian. I was talking to Jordan. Oh. No, I mean that. I mean that. You're great, Deb.

We all love Deb. Sometimes I wonder if I'm a good enough husband, you know, maybe I should leave and just go live in a storage unit and watch OnlyFans all day. I know, that's his number one dream. Every time we get into a fight, he's like, I'm getting my own apartment with one chair. I'm not going to have any of this shit.

My one chair. What is that? Your one chair fantasy land? Yeah, he just wants to live a simple life your one chair fantasy land yeah he just wants to live like a simple life with one chair his solution will always be like I'll just work a lot pay two rents and never have to have a

responsibility of you come on I said that like four times my one chair I think you can afford a storage unit are you reminding me we you can afford a storage unit. Are you reminding me? We have a $20 storage unit. They're more affordable than you think. Yeah, get them at CubeSmart.

You can get a little storage locker at CubeSmart for $20. You're in that first year. And you can have gay sex in the units too. CubeSmart. CubeSmart. Hi, I'm Eden Finance. Place to keep your storage and your secrets. CubeSmart. Hi, I'm Eden Finance Place to keep your storage and your secrets. Hi, I'm Eden Finance with Cube Smart.

Now you should cut to that sketch. I just want to say that you can have gay sex in the storage unit. Benjamin. Let's see. Blot the baby. Okay. Shut up, Jordan. What? What? What? What? What?

Penis finance? Jesus, Jordan, there's a child here. What's wrong with you? Stop grooming him. Hi, I'm groomer Jensen. Penis finances. Benjamin we got a case of the sillies huh oh my god we need shirts that are penis finance hi just a low budget. I'm penis finest. Yeah.

Now you're saying. Oh, yeah. Yeah, hit that. Hit that. Yes. Can you respond to my son, please? Yeah. He's so cute. Have you ever seen a more perfect baby?

Oh, look at him. He always looks like a little cute lion. Oh, my God. Yeah. Okay. Doesn't he? Yes. There's Benjamin and a feminine daddy.

Give daddy kisses. Oh. Mommy. It is crazy. He is. What? So cute crazy he is so cute I don't have the maternal thing but this one is quite good

that was said like a robot I do not possess the maternal quality but this one is quite good I do not love from my heart I lack the ability to love

typically I swallow children for nutrients would you like to suck my chest but I would offer my milk to this

homo sapien sapien time to effusucate the milk from the chest how about how about a how about a robot mother

but she's Jewish she's like you never call you you I'll just die. I think I am dying. I am sick. I guess you would rather me die. I could have died.

You didn't call to check in. That's a game called... I'm sorry, he's making a lot of noise. Obsessive mother or ex-girlfriend? Ian. Same. Are we okay? He's making a lot of noise Obsessive mother Or ex-girlfriend Ian Same Are we okay He's making a lot of noise

What What do you mean He almost hit his head Let's wrap this up I don't want blood On my hands Alright well This has been Penis Fight In

With Horseface Jensen With Jordan A.K.A. Morgan Or Sarah Or any horse girl name face Jensen with Jordan aka Morgan or Sarah or any horse girl name tits Racine and mommy Racine I guess I'll plug

yeah plug what you want oh yeah plug what you got please subscribe to Mike's podcast Albert's Mom oh this isn't good I would like some of that like

I'm just I'm just Kim Dillon level I'm just trying to I'm just trying to imagine what is the life Deb thinks she deserves? You living in a storage unit away. Just not having to bring her child to podcasts so they can eat. Yeah, yeah. A kid just sucking pad thai off of his dad's lap. I think we all had fun.

I think we all had a good time. Okay. I think we can all just chill out and just enjoy ourselves. I have a podcast. Out for smokes. Patreon.com slash what? What?

Patreon.com. Oh, you're going to plug my Patreon? Patreon.com. Yeah. Unsubscribe to Ian's Patreon and come over to mine. And I got some road dates coming up. Boston, Jersey, Des Moines, Minneapolis.

And thanks. That's it. Plug your Patreon. Patreon.com slash outforsmokes. Thank you, Ian. Go see him on the road. So funny. Yeah.com slash outforsmokes. Thank you, Ian. Go see him on the road. So funny. Yeah, Racine's the best.

Patreon.com slash beanieandpod. They're already subscribed if they're watching this. Thank you for subscribing. Oh, okay. Thank you. Yeah. If there's anything more you want on Patreon, let us know. Let us know.

Email us. Email us. Email us at beanieandpod at gmail.com. ...goals to see if patrons want to see the results of your recent past. Whoa, you're right. at gmail.com Whoa. Oh yeah. What would you pay? Yeah. What would you pay?

What can I pay you? That old whale. The old bleached whale. We're just going to film it like we did the kayak episode. What was it? 360 cam attached to your taint? Yeah.

Is that what we're doing? No. My asshole will be behind a curtain. It'll be like 40-year-old virgin. It'll be people on canoes. What's that? I think you were laughing. What you wanted to say.

No, you know what you should do? You couldn't, but you got it out. You should have Jordan's asshole. You should have like a silhouette and do like a magic show. Oh, yeah. Show different things going in and out of her asshole. Maybe like a wolf coming out of it. My asshole going, I'm blind.

Pulling out different things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A trampoline. What's that from? A bunch of clowns come out of Jordan's asshole. What's that from? Thank you, guys. Thank you so much.

Brendan Sandlow crawls out. We love you. Oh, you know, I found... I need a... I'm just in Jordan's asshole. Yeah, and here's a rap about it. Bye-bye. I'm surprised I fit in there.

I'm not. It doesn't matter, doesn't matter what you say anymore.