Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein Ian with Jordan Episode 021: "Piping Hot Poo-Say" W/ Maddy Smith

Episode Date: December 21, 2022

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian

Being Ian And life is ride when you're being Ian, being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a life being Ian, being Ian. With Jordan. Welcome back to another episode of Bein' Ian with... Jordan. Yeah. We're gonna... Yeah.

Okay. We're gonna share better with speaking, aren't we, today? We are, yes. Okay. Yeah! Yeah! Good luck with that, bitch. You picked the wrong guest.

No, I'm going to wind it down. I'm sorry. I got hit by a car yesterday. How? Me? How? Are you here? Oh, wait.

Because you don't have health insurance. Dude, my back is a little fucked up. We got hit by a drunk dude who was driving a minivan just sideswiped me eagle and ethan all sitting in the back of an uber smashed us so hard the wait you were in a car yeah in an uber the way you told it it sounded like you were on the street i know i said that to get your attention that's a good hook and then the uber driver literally went like this. He went, hello, police. It was so fast. It was crazy.

And then he's like, can I get your number to. Fuck you. Can I get your number for the police report if they need to? You know, it's not my fault. And we're like, of course. And I'm like, I'm writing down our numbers. I go, Eagle, what's your number? And he's like, OK, Jordan.

I was like, Eagle, we are surrounded. Hilarious. In alarms and ambulances. He's like, damn, i was like eagle we are surrounded hilarious in alarms and ambulances he's like damn i never even looked at jordan that way yeah it was crazy yeah he's like hey uh yo doc can you check and make sure this thing works his whole personality is hey ma and uh yeah shout out bronx firefighters who pulled over immediately when we were in the middle of this like intersection crazy. And we're like, do you guys need help? And we're like, yes, this guy's about to pull away.

Yes. And can one of you come home with me? Yeah. They were so hot. Eagle got felt up by one because he thought his rib was broken because he's a big baby. My neck's all fucked up. Dude, the next time I'm in an Uber, I'm jerking the wheel and hoping a firefighter comes and saves me.

Yeah. They were really hot. Can I tell you? I'd be knocking candles over my house there's some right here oopsies the memory game candles she said candles they had a candles no he's quick you're just matching yeah no dumbass knock the candles over firefighters no i know i know but she just said candle, and you're like, there are candles. I watched your little toddler brain be like, she said candle, candle. I have a toddler brain or a toddler brain.

Yeah. And it's will. Yeah. Do you guys like this tweet that I wrote on my fake Twitter? What? I had an Uber driver with 100% down syndrome. Five stars. Five stars.

How did you even type that word out five stars um s-t-a-w-s that's great all right that's right that's right thank you or it could be s-t-a-w-t-h like stuff stars yeah i love my fake twitter it's so fun i love elon's world you have a fitter yeah it's the best this smells you did this again you can get high off this if you smell it really i have no interest feels good i'm sober dude are you so fucking getting back on the mic mic sniffing this is the only thing i have left me and ian are off sugar what are you doing you are i'm trying to look yeah we're off sugar it's really hard it's the hardest thing I've ever done. I've done it before. No, I mean, this is.

I've done the thing where you don't do the pasta sauce with the sugar, the added sugar, no peanut butter, added sugar. Oh, it's so awful. Yeah, it's awful. I'm not doing honey. What are we doing? Yeah. Kill myself.

Right. I am doing fruit though. Too much. You can do that. Yeah. Diarrhea all the time. It's like not added sugar is what you're doing, right? I'm not doing any.

Processed sugar. Processed sugar. Right. Or added sugar. Right. I mean, right? I'm not doing any processed sugar. Processed sugar. Right. Or added sugar. Right. I mean, I'm not going to restaurants and being like, do you have milk? Can you tell me what's actually in the vodka sauce? Yeah, no, I'm not doing that.

No, like actually. Damn it. I was trying to look up because you sent me a rough draft of that tweet that was like, hey, is this funny? Down syndrome surgeon woke friend. And that was like, hey, is this funny? Down syndrome surgeon woke friend. I'm like, what? I think it'd be funny to have your woke friend.

We already talked about this. Yeah, we talked about this. Anyway, I'm off sugar too. Have you really not broken? It's really hard. It makes me mad. I went to my best friend's son, my nephew's, first birthday party yesterday. Sweets out the wazoo.

I'm trying not to eat bread. Trying not to eat sugar. So would you eat the baby? Yeah, seriously. What do you eat without... I've been eating only bread to deal with this. Trying to fit in. You've been just eating beef. Some people sign up for OnlyFans. I sign up for OnlyBread.

OnlyBrands Whoa. Only Brands. There you go. Turn up for what? Okay, so what'd you eat at the party? Yeah, what'd you eat at the party? Crudité?

What was the birthday party? How far was it in Jersey? Dude, it was so fun. First of all, Saturday. Shout out Saratoga Springs Comedy Works. You could never pay me to get somewhere like that.

So many people came out. Dude, I told you. The baby will not remember that. Or you. So many people came out? You're talking about the baby? No, to my show. Oh, I thought you were talking about the baby's birthday party. Yeah, you're still on the boat? You're still on the baby. Where are you? I need a cigarette. Hello?

I did Saratoga. He smokes in here. If you don't want him to, you can say no. Yeah, I'd rather you did it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shout out to my mom for this new lighter. I'm pregnant. Enjoy the little things. He smokes in here. If you don't want him to, you can say no. Yeah, I'd rather you did it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shout out to my mom for this new lighter. Enjoy the little things. And it's true. Check out this vape I got. I need that taser.

Looks like it's in Scooby-Doo. All right. That's cool. Here's my story. Lost berries? Is that what it's called? I stole it from someone in North Carolina. A human being?

Yeah. They were like an audience member? You're like, give me that vape? I've done that since. A comedy club employee, I think. From, they were like an audience member? You were like, give me that vape? I've done that since. Yeah, a comedy club employee, I think. Oh, nice. Yeah. I did, Sarah took a Comedy Works, really fun.

Chris Coppo, great time, very funny. Drove, drove back Saturday night. I was supposed, I took a 3 a.m. train, but I didn't want to get to the station at fucking like 1.30. So we dropped me off at the cellar. I see Jordan. We hang out. So much fun.

We did a fun thing where I was standing here. Jordan was standing there. And we were holding hands like this. Different groups of people talking. And talking to other people. And when people would walk through, we'd go like this. That Macaulay Culkin guy would have me cracking up. That's cute.

Yes. It was very fun. He looked like one of the Culkins. And he just beelined between me and Ian. so it was crazy he was on a mission and you guys were holding hands and i go i go hey geordie goes oh should i fuck blah blah blah i was like hold off i know who it is probably oh yeah and. And then. Should I? No. No, it's bad. No, let's keep it clean. Actually, you know what?

Yes. We're comedians. We fucking do that shit. Every week I go back and forth between like, it's an HR issue. And then the next week I'm like. I literally was in the shower yesterday. I'm an artist. Fucking cut my ear off like Van Gogh so I can get some cock in my ass at 2 a.m.

It's crazy. Do you do the thing where you're like, fuck it, I'm crazy. Everybody else is normal. There's no such thing as balance in the world. We're crazy. And then the next day you're like, I need to get my life together. I gotta get it together. I've downloaded MyFitnessPal. I'm like, off the sauce. I wonder how many

steps you'd get in if you put the thing on your wrist and then sucked a dick and it was like, oh my god, 10,000 already. Luckily I'm so good at sucking cock. I only need to do three thrusts with my mouth and then we're done. I don't even remember the last time I sucked a cock.

Oh my God, I'm scared. It's the best day of my life. Good to show on so many levels. Dude, whatchamacallit. Yeah, wow. Great. Good use of the space. I smell a clip.

Yeah. And I smell a clit. Jordan, take a shower. I can't. Hey, she broke her back. Yeah, that's right. So how do you feel today? My neck's all fucked up.

My neck. But what are you going to do? Yeah. It's a little fucked up. Jordan, I'm the doctor uh what did you end up hurting my neck my back and one see and also my crack I hate that's a night we're gonna need a crack transplant I'm gonna you know my neighbor was born without a butthole shut up swear to god wait he's not meant to be alive see if I was that guy I would be like

I shouldn't be walking around. I wish that you just like killed me. As a child, he used to have to get. As a child. As a child. Where'd it come out? His mouth? He used to have to get butthole expansions.

And afterwards, he would come over. Okay, don't talk about my last night. Sorry, I just talked over you guys. I apologize. No, no, no. Please do. He would come over and squeeze my hand. And I'd be his pain buddy to help him not hurt. Why would it hurt?

Yeah, he was born without a butthole. He had to have one surgically made. And then he has to shit through it like human centipede. They had to build a thing. When you get gauges in your ears, you have to keep it open. What did you do for him? You kept your dick in his ass? Did he keep it open what did you do for him you kept your dick in his ass your dick was the asshole i'm helping i'm trying to help man you don't have an asshole and you need

one resist my dick poop against my dick dude poop against my dick hold my hand hold my hand i'll be him i don't have a butthole. It hurts. And you're me. And I was like, it's okay. I won't say your name. And then one day I thought that it was like just a fun fact that I was walking in front of him. I was like, that's where Blah Blah lives. He was born without a butthole.

My mom beat me. Was Blah Blah there? How did they find out you didn't have an asshole? There's a doctor check for all the holes when you're born. I think when you're born, you can kind of tell if you don't have an ass. I don't know. It takes some spreading to do. Well, they smack your ass. They hold you upside down and smack you. That's true.

And he's smacking and he's like, this just looks like a fucking dartboard. What the fuck? Where's this hole? That's crazy. Blank canvas. And I got drunk with his mom one night, and she was like, you know, for so long, he never dated women, and I was worried he was gay. And, you know, it's fine for that, but I just know it'd be a very painful life for him. And I was like, holy shit.

Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Thank God he's not gay. Yeah. If you were a Republican, yeah, you'd be like, my son's so straight, he ain't got no asshole. That's a condescending. The next kid's born with an asshole?

The next kid's vagina is an asshole. You fuck. If you whisper it, you won't get canceled. We're triggering it. What? No, we're not. Okay, next news agenda. Oh, I didn't finish my story. story oh i thought it was over because i was tired of it well i it was it was a fun you can't tell i was sleeping too i have sunglasses on it was a

fun new york city night because i got to the cellar we hung out i needed a hot dog suit hot dog for a comedy thing and ian was like okay i was like ian could you seriously get me the hot dog suit and it was so crazy in that moment to realize what absurd choices we've made with our lives that i was like sincerely dude can you like for a second i need a hot dog suit okay and i can get that for me serious for one guess what your old bff uncle ian went out today. You did go get it. And got it. That's very sweet of you. Did you go into Manhattan?

Anything for you. Went into Manhattan. Oh, my God. Got it from Homeless Pimp. So you better wear the fucking hot dog suit or else I'm going to smack you in the mouth. That's so crazy that you did that. I can't even believe I asked you to do that. Thank you so much.

Oh, because I didn't want to go. You're my doll. And you got hit by a car yesterday, so you have a week of good deeds from friends. Isn't that crazy? Yeah, you should use should use this guy out of nowhere it made me really nervous about the motorcycle to be honest yeah you know what i mean this guy was like erratic dead yeah but i'm ready i'm ready too like if i feel turbulence on a plane i'm like i know i stop unbuckle. Don't put that out there. Anyway, look, I had a really great New York City night.

Find me, kill me. I'm ready. I had a great New York City night. And then Attell was running late. They put me up at the cellar. That happened the other night. And let me tell you, I ate such a big fat bag of dicks. That night?

That was that night? No, before I went to the cellar. How did you? No, but on stage I did. Yeah, it was terrible. It was that night yeah i followed you and rough that's a hard thing to do oh boy it's a hard follow yeah because the whole time everyone won't pay attention to me because they're like was that a boy or a girl and i had to go up there and be like yeah I don't know what that was this dude was trying to get on me when I oh tell the story about me trying to get you laid

in the vestibule oh yeah I will but this guy I had my helmet on and he was like he was like are you a boy or a girl are you a boy or a girl and I was like I don't know dude you tell me okay speaking of helmets at my best friend's family's house that I went to the birthday party I had this memory of us

doing coke in his bathroom and a little bit of boxo got on it which is powdered soap and then we did a bunch of oxy and I woke up in his sister's bed wearing his bicycle helmet oh my god no his motorcycle helmet just completely covered

like I was in Daft Punk just waking up like what the fuck it was great and now he's having a baby's birthday party we were all fucking tuned up Like I was in Daft Punk just waking up like, what the fuck? What? Why did the soap get on the- And now he's having a baby's birthday party. Because we were all fucking tuned up and we're knocking shit around. You ever get tuned up? We were in Coke on a plate.

You ever get tuned up? You ever get a tune up? I have a sense. Okay, okay, okay. Oh, and then, oh, that one time I tried to get you that guy's number. Oh my God. I was telling Brian about it. I was laughing so hard.

I passed this outdoor dining area and I was like, that one time I tried to get you that guy's number. Oh my God. I was telling Brian about it. I was laughing so hard. I like passed this like outdoor dining area and I was like, that dude's hot. And Ian dips his head in and goes, hey man, are you single? And the guy looks at you and is like, I'm good, man. And you're like, no, no, not for me, for her. For her. And he's like, still good.

Yeah, still fine. Both of you, both of the homeless men crowding the entry point, please leave. We're both like, okay, bye. Cool. So I had a great New York City night. I went up, so much fun. I did great.

And I texted Val and I go, Val, I didn't bomb. I proficiently did my job. And then I ran, got in a cab, running late to the train. And I go, get me to Penn Station as fast as you can and keep the change. I threw him a 20, and it was like an $8 trip. Got on the train, made it, fucking. Me and Dave talked on the phone, chatty Cathy's.

My mom picked me up at 7 a.m. We talked, 5 a.m., we talked till 7. I don't even know where you are in the world at this point. Saratoga? That's when you were going to Saratoga? No. He doesn't care to tell places.m. We talked till 7. I don't even know where you are in the world at this point. Saratoga? That's when you were going to Saratoga? No. He doesn't care to tell places. I'm really crazy.

You don't care to listen. No. I went from Saratoga. You said you bombed and then you said, bye Val, I didn't bomb. Yeah, this timeline is really confusing me. And why are we even walking through this? What are we doing? Oh, you're just giving us a recap?

Anyway, Maddie, what's new with you? No, I mean, it sounds like a funny evening. You drove us from Saratoga to the fucking cellar and then I got up and then I had to Anyway, Maddie, what's new with you? No, I mean, it sounds like a funny evening. Scopo drove us from Saratoga to the fucking cellar. And then I got up and then I had to take a fucking train to Delaware. But in the meantime, I didn't even expect to go off or see you. That's why you had your bag on. And it was a wonderful New York night. That's why you had your big bag on.

Yes. And I bombed the other night and I didn't bomb this time. So to Val, I said, Val, I didn't bomb. I did my job. And then I ran in a cab and go get me to Penn Station keep the change got me there and it was a New York City night but if you

hadn't gotten to Penn Station in that minute would it have been bad yes it would have been terrible so you made it all happen yeah isn't the story worth it this is crazy good stuff everyone chill anyway Maddie what's new with you hey not much just here being in um sitting on the couch um you're going to nashville isn't this fun months

oh i guess no in two weeks according to when this podcast comes out yeah why is this come out so late yeah i'm going to nashville it should be fun right Zany's Zany's is the best Zany's is a good place Shout out Lucy She's fucking great Shout out Lucy Shout out George She's a fun hang

George George with the Crazy car That low rider I thought you were gonna say You know one time I got my dick sucked After a show at Zany's

And it was some Mattel run off She couldn't get to Mattel so she Settled for me Yo I'm like really sick I've seen that happen on the road with I've seen people get his

it's kind of awesome because they pool people I won't bleep out the name but these famous guys will pool people and then whoever they don't get all the openers get their vote well she came over and like I didn't know if she wanted to like fuck or not and we were in the bed and I had to do a voice

over audition so I put the covers over me and did the audition while she watched Forensic Files next to me And like, I didn't know if she wanted to like fuck or not. And we were in the bed and I had to do a voiceover audition. So I put the covers over me and did the audition while she watched Forensic Files next to me. And then we were talking and she was like, yeah, I'm not really into like sex. I was like, you know, I'm going to swing for the fences. I go, well, you can blow me in the shower. And she goes, yeah, I'll do that. And it was fucking great. I'm not really into sex, but I'll blow you in the shower.

We have a horrible existence. Well, that started my new thing of of loving blowjobs on the road. Yeah, it's like I enjoy it. Because I don't like sex with strangers anymore. Because it's like, uh, and it's a lot of like. This is like a novel concept to you. You know what I realized? Blowjobs are sick.

Pretty good if you ask me. They are. What's wrong with you? Well, I was never really into them. I've been having sexual fantasies about just like demanding fellatio from people and then being like, get the fuck out of here.

I'm into fellatio lately. Or like... Fellatio. I mean, I'm not having sex, but... Or like holding a gun to someone's head and being like, suck your dick. More like,

I've been seeing all the Hasidics on the apps. Oh, here we go. Here we go. Here's your obsession. The gas masks? Here's your two obsessions. Oh, my God. Hasidic Jews and Down Syndrome people,

which are in a lot of their families. I got in a huge fight with a Hasidic lady. Lots of overlap there. It's one circle on the back. In the audience. Because I told the Hasidic Jew joke, and this lady was like, she was like, boo. And I was like, oh, are you a Hasidic lady?

Is that a wig? And she was like, yes. And I was like, fuck. And then the whole crowd turned on me. But then I was like, all. And I was like, oh, are you a Hasidic lady? Is that a wig? And she was like, yes. And I was like, fuck. And then the whole crowd turned on me. But then I was like, all right, how about this lady? Do you like gay people? And she's like, we love gay people. And I was like, I have gay moms.

Are they going to heaven? And she was like, I don't want to get into this right now. And I was like, eat a dick, bitch. Oh my God. Dude, religious people. A comedian owns. Religious people. I gotta get that tape.

Pick and fucking choose the most insane shit to be. Yo, I just did Hey Babe. And I made. I gotta get that tape. Pick and fucking choose the most insane shit to be. Yo, I just did Hey Babe and I made. I hate aesthetic women. They're so awful. I just made two jokes. They're so awful. On Hey Babe. I go, listen to this.

They're all bad. Listen to this. On DeStefano's podcast. And I did. It's called Hey Babe? Yeah. I know. Yeah, it's.

I know. You don't. You don't know shit. And. That was so funny. The trans thing that he said. I was losing my mind. Oh yeah. Yeah. I know. You don't. You don't know shit. And that was so funny. The trans thing that he said, I was losing my mind. Oh, yeah. He's like, wait.

So this. So it was the dad got his daughter's heart transplant. And he was like, and it's like this moving long thing. And then he goes, does that make him trans? Does that make him trans? It fucking got my ass. So I told two street jokes and I go, do you know, historically, it's a fact. Jesus had a big penis. You can't tell street jokes. And he's like, how? How is that true? And I go, do you know historically it's a fact Jesus had a big penis?

You can't tell street jokes. And he's like, how? How is that true? And I go, yeah, because he was hung like this. And then I go, Helen Keller, you know how her parents punish her as a child? They put the plunger in the toilet. I thought about that as I was falling asleep. I don't get it.

Because that means she's blind and deaf, and when she goes to pee, a plunger gets shoved up her ass. That's not. That's so convoluted. Did you write that? It's a good thing she has an asshole. Did you make that up? No.

No. But here's the thing. They posted that. And all these Christians were like, you're going to hell. You worship Satan. This and that. And I go, you know what's funny? They jumped on the Jesus joke.

And were like, how fucking dare you? And then they like- Saw the Helen Keller joke and they're like, that's good. That's very funny. And then when it comes to literally physically abusing their blind and deaf child with a plunger up the ass,

they're like, well, I guess with Helen Keller, I'll turn a blind eye. And a deafie. And then I was like, whoa. And a huge boner. Whoa. Hey, wow. What are they, the Catholic Church, not caring about child abuse?

And it all makes sense. Right, right. Is this thing on? Hello? Hello? No more beanie. Did you, have you guys ever? Hold on, hold on.

It's the Hasidic woman calling. Oh, hey, what's going on? I also want to get, I want to get the clip of me the other night saying to a guy, he was an autistic audience member and he was obviously had this like way of speaking where he was like, um, I don't know, like that. And I got so- I didn't know Adam was in the audience. And I got so hostile that I was like, I'm so tired of autistic people.

And it got a big laugh. And I think that it's like a, I think that people are experiencing this. Well, a lot of people are trying to be more, like, identify. Every interaction I have with people is insane. Like, they are the dumbest. Yeah. It's getting weird out there. And may I add, a lot of people go, well, I'm autistic, so I have this.

And it goes, yeah, we all got shit. Fucking get over it. I'm neurodivergent. Oh, so you're aware of it and you still act like a fucking asshole? Fucking fix your shit, dick. Sounds like you're not autistic. Turn his volumes down. Sorry.

Is my volume too loud? We're doing great on not talking over each other. I agree. Don't you think? Oh, I'm sorry. Woo! No, no, no more Do another It's kinda hot

We need to get you a fuck puppet or something Stop Let's go to an open mic later We'll scoop something up for you Scoop a hot little girl with bangs who just graduated from Fordham. I hate bangs. I hate bangs.

Do you really? That's so refreshing. I hate fucking bangs. Everybody loves bangs. They're the worst. I hate them. That's because you're not a pedophile. Yeah.

That's right. Oh, God. You, from your lips to, from babe's lips to God's ears. Your lips to a child's ears. You hear that, God? He might fuck kids, but he is no pedophile. From hot little babe's lips to God's ears. Your lips to a child's ears. You hear that, God? He might fuck kids, but he is no pedophile. From hot little babe's lips to God's ears.

I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. Butt. No, no, no. No, no. No butt. You think it was a butt?

Next topic. No little tiny butt. I hate bangs. I thought you would be like a short bang kind of guy. Ew. No? Okay, go ahead. Cool. I learn something about you every day. No. I hate bangs. I thought you would be like a short bang kind of guy. Ew. No? Okay, go ahead. Cool. I learn something about you every day. No.

I hate that fucking haircut. No. What about a curtain bang? Oh, I don't even know what that... Oh, curtain bang? Oh, I just had flashbacks to someone that looked hot with curtain bangs. Now you're just somebody that I used to bone. They tried to stab you?

No, they brought a knife to the apartment. Oh, okay. Which McCullough? They brought a knife. Oh, oh. Yeah, no. We're off sugar and we talked about being off dating and sex and stuff. You said that we should be off dating and sex and stuff.

Yeah, after you were like, I ruined a year of my life. I did ruin a year of my life. We got to just concentrate on ourselves. Man, that was a bad year. We are good. We are moving forward. But I also don't want to ruin another year.

I went on a good date the other day. A year? No, you didn't. You texted me and said it was weird. No, no, it was. It was. Stop saying it publicly. It, it, it, it is a good year if you learn from it and grow.

It is only a wasted year if you don't learn and you repeat the same thing. It was bad and I have a chunk of gray hair from it. I think I learned to grow. Well, you look hot with gray hair like that chick with the shingles.

I got grays in my ears. I have grays on my asshole hairs. They're coming everywhere. You have asshole hair? Yeah. That makes me want to fucking puke. Doesn't everyone? No. You definitely do. I say fucking get it off there. Okay. This ain't the fucking jungle. We're going to bleach my asshole. We are.

And I'm going to wax my pubes. Do you want to do it? Yeah. I actually want to do it. Because I shave that shit and then it... The shaving... I've tried shaving the asshole. I actually want to do it. Because I shave that shit and then... The shaving... I've tried shaving the asshole. Do you have the asshole hair? Well, there's always a couple little strays. Yeah, there's a couple little.

Yeah. You like go down the taint. You're like, oh shit. Come on. There's always a couple little. How long have you had your vagina? You don't know how to fucking shave it by now? No, no, no.

It hurts to shave the asshole because it grows and grows. It hurts. How do you think we feel putting a fucking blade on our nuts? We don't want you to do that. Just trim it with scissors. Well, good, because I haven't. Manscaped. You owe me some fucking products, okay?

We did the ad like a month ago. They still haven't sent me shit. I'm trying to shave my balls. Manscaped.com promo code Ska. Ska? That's our promo code. Found it. Can I have...

I'll get some Manscaped for my asshole. I thought all girls. Don't we all have asshole hairs? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know why Ian's so shocked at this. You've had sex with glitters and stuff. He's imagining a hairy asshole. It's not a hairy asshole.

It's like a. It's like. I don't know. I'm a visual learner. Yeah, it's like your armpits. Let me see. That's hot. That's good.

Your deodorant smells good. Know why? Because it's hot. That's good. Your deodorant smells good. No, why? Because it's mine. What? So how long are we not going to date? Are we going to go to Sex and Alcohol Anonymous? I think we should. And we hold each other accountable with sugar.

We should hold each other accountable with no stuff. And maybe I will stop talking to trans women on OkCupid and texting this girl that's really hot that I truly we have a connection I want to date that guy that we just met outside that owner of that restaurant shout out baby blues luncheonette you're great

we appreciate it I'm not gay what? well that's what he thought just now when I saw him i had my car hard on and he was like hey and i was like yeah but then he knows you're a girl because you go is that blood in your finger that shit he had to it was showing through a giant bandage oh he's a chef shout out sue another story.

Yes. I fainted. I fainted the other day. Three little tiny Chinese nurses. One. Okay. Let me tell the story. Ian, don't talk over me.

Practice. Perfect. Okay. What happened is I go into the doctor's office. Okay. They're like, we need to check out. They don't have an Indian accent. It's Chinese. But.

And. You can do the Chinese Okay, it's 20 22 You don't No accents because when we drive in the car And then you crash your car Okay, so what happens is I go in. Hey, you can't even let me do it.

She said it, not me. I go in. There's a Chinese lady. She has a tiny dog in her hand and a full face mask on for like cosmetic something. And they're like, we have to take blood. This other little lady puts on these things, sits me down. Then the woman with the dog, I'm like, I'm already starting to faint. The woman with the dog, who I thought was a patient, she puts down the dog, puts gloves on.

I'm like, oh my God, you're a nurse too? They both start holding me down. They put the tourniquet around me. I start fainting. I whip it off and I'm like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. They're pulling my arms. It's like I'm Godzilla and they're all of China, okay? I'm telling you, I'm twice as big as both of these women.

And then they're like, we need the doctor. He comes in. My doctor comes in wearing a hilarious hairnet. The three of them holding me down. Okay. Fucking getting blood drawn at a cafeteria. I'm going to send you the picture of me fainting. Nope.

Not right now. You sent it to me. You were very sweaty. It's really scary. Do you want me to send it? Okay. And then. Thank God. Okay.

I got some riffs on that. Alright, so the Chinese lady holding the dog. Did you think she was going to eat it? Okay. Next riff. Look at this dick pic. Oh, you showed it to me. That guy's got a hammer. This guy... This guy's like a stalker. Jordan showed us a video of her sucking dick the other night at the cellar.

I was in a manic episode and it was so not okay what happened was wait what why are you talking about the doctor and your fucking New York night

I want to hear about the dicks and the and it looked like that chick in a wheelchair eating a block of cheese that's so mean I'm kidding it was so

it's a hot video I just had to look at that so I wouldn't get hard it's a hot video. I just had to look at that so I wouldn't get hard. It's a hot video. It is hot. Whoa. Yeah, whoa. I tried to convince this guy that I was a dude to get him to stop sending these pics.

Hope you're good. Hope you're good. I'm around, LOL. Yeah, we know. Yeah, you're not around. You're alone. You're a dick. I block him and he gets a new number and does it.

Dude, you know know I see this guy I used to hook up with In my neighborhood And every time I see him He sends me a dick pic Tori Stop it Send them to me

I can't believe I did the What's the blowjob video You know what's funny She showed the blowjob video And you know When a kid gets there Has Loses their hair in grade school,

and everyone shaves their head to be like, we're all together. So we all started showing naked pictures. No, that was another riff. We've done that. But that's girl tits stuff. The thing that's fucked up is you're like, oh my God, everybody was a little drunk, and I'm just sober, and I started this bandwagon. You know what I mean?

We were all sober. I know. No, that was, I'm talking about this night with her, where we all Showed pictures of our tits Oh yeah yeah yeah I was drunk We were drunk

Well let's do a reenactment You're getting all our tits You've seen my tits Oh yeah in Vegas Atty At Red Rocks Come on I always have that

Gillis sketching I'll show tits To me Let me see them Oh mine You don't have to show your tits I don't have my glasses on Okay what happens is...

I just almost fucking threw these in a fire. Show them the movies, Maddie. Okay, Grandpa. Let me see them. That was crazy. How fast did your body move? Okay. The dick-sucking video. okay the dick sucking video basically i was underslept manic episode basically i had a week i was manic all week and then i which dude we needs to get under control i was talking to ronan's girlfriend about this she's a therapist and she was like you're sick but anyway he's sick

too so it's fine but then what happened was i pull out the phone. I was like, there's a hidden folder. Right. And Caitlin was like, no, there's not. And I was like, yes, there is. I showed her and I was like, oh, there's a video of me sucking a dick in it. And then somebody was like, let me see it. I think it was Ian. And I was like, okay.

And I showed it to him. And then Caitlin was like, let me see it. And I was like, that's fine. And then John Radinsky was like, let me see it. And I was like, no. And then we got the whole crew. And then they're all around watching and i'm like who cares it's just my mouth around a different body who cares and then i took the phone and looked at it and

was like no no no like you think it's just you sucking dick but it's like me it's the most humiliating it is just you sucking dick but it's also you sucking dick horrifying it's not just like you know i took your phone and said jordan yeah you did try please it was like listening and you're like i don't care you can see my almost my you know what i mean the cleavage in it it's very like oh god it was so bad it's a lot how long ago was it she didn't even oh i thought it was a college video she didn't even get it all the way down there. No, yeah, I know. Yes, I did.

No, you didn't. Yes, I did. You got a little mouth. No, I don't. It's all the way down. Jordan's like, are you kidding me? I will wing it out right now. She's playing the piccolo.

It is all the way down. It looked like you were trying to play the shofar. Where's the shofar? Where's the shofar? Where's the shofar? Guys, we need an eye on the shofar. Where's the shofar? Where's the shofar? Where's the shofar? Guys, we need an eye on the shofar. Here. Worth it.

It looked like you were trying to play the shofar. And you didn't get your mouth shofar down his dick. I got it shofar. No, you didn't. Shofar. I did. I got it so far down. No, you didn't. So far. I pulled it up for the pod. Pulled it up, and guess what? I'm glad I don't have my glasses on.

You know what? You were looking at it the most out of everybody. I was. Can I see how much power? It's research for the pod. I can't find it. It's in your hidden folder. Duh.

I don't have any. Oh, there's so much bad. Hey, guys. Pop it up on the screen. So you were with some guy? That is all the way down. You were with this? That's all the way down. Are you crazy?

No, your hair is covering up. That's a magic trick. Oh, no. Yeah, it's down. Can I please see? Abracadabra. Watch this dick disappear in my throat. All the way down.

Are you wearing red panties? No, it's just a sports bra. Let me see. Ew, you suck a dick in a sports bra. I'm always wearing a sports bra. What do you wear, normal bras? You suck your dick in a sports bra. That's the grossest part of that video.

What? You're in denial. You know who else wore sports bras all the time? Who? Mia Hamm. Yeah, that's right. But she'd take them off to suck my wang. Why?

So the fucking titties would be out. So you can go, whoop, whoop, whoop. Change the radio dial. I'm working. Yeah, I'm like, stop. I'm at work So you can go, whoop, whoop, whoop. Change the radio dial. I'm working. Yeah, I'm like, stop. I'm at work. And you're like, stop. I like reaching around and playing with the butt.

Yeah, that's good. You got to do that. But don't touch the nipples when there are cones like that. I like to smack them like it's like that ball on a thing in a therapist's office. Yeah, or it's the back of your throat. That thing in the back. Yeah. What's the biggest dick you ever sucked?

I'll go first. It went down to here. Tori, don't send me a picture. Biggest one I ever did came out my ass. It was like I was in a pig roast. But my first boyfriend was 6'5". He had a motherfucking whopper. 6'5"? Yeah, it was nuts.

It was crazy. Two hands. Look, Ma, two hands. Yeah, we're from upstate New York. They have huge shoes. Did it look like you were trying to decide who was going to bat first? I'm literally kidding. Okay, fine. It was huge. Most lately, it's just standards, though. Can I just say... I haven't been's just standards Can I just say

I haven't been surprised lately Have you been having sex lately? Nah Just touching outside the pants A little bit of I should go Yeah there's a lot of that To hell

I feel good to be in the I should go phase Go ahead Yeah the I should go sucks I know the I should go phase Go ahead Yeah the I should go sucks I know the I should go means we don't like your penis Yeah guess what I never hear I should go I only hear I should go down on you Okay here's the thing That dick

I'm not gonna be that guy The dick you just showed us massive The dick you were fucking hogging down on I thought it was gonna be a lot bigger Cause everybody builds that guy up I'll show you like a full body us? Massive. The dick you were fucking hogging down on, I thought it was going to be a lot bigger. Because everybody builds that guy up. I'll show you like a full body. I thought you were puffing on a vape for a second.

I know. I thought you were drinking iced coffee out of a straw. Literally, I thought it was an air bar. I'll show you. I'll show the whole world. Can you tell me who it is after? You know who it is. Wait. Oh.

Yeah, the fucking guy everyone goes, oh, he's got a big dick. No. Dude, I want to have sex with him again. Hey, Shaq. Oh, the hip holder's so bad. Let me see if I have any in mine. I delete all mine. Oh, no.

I delete all mine, too. After we break up, I say, hey, I'm going to keep them in my memories. Stop. That's what I call my hidden folder. I'm kidding, guys. Nothing. Look at the paws. Look at that.

It's behind my hand. Oh, yeah, that's a honker. Yeah, no, that's good. It's a thick. Well, move your hand. It looks. Wait, but Jordan. Move your fucking hand. it's a thick well what move your hand it looks anyway so not dating no sugar why do we have folders delete all delete you gotta delete it's the graveyard you gotta delete it's the only way you got an eternal sunshine of the spot it pops up my iphone's like here's a memory from when you were in love oh yeah, yeah. It knows. It knows. It's a monster.

I know. It sends me photos of my father all the time. It's like, remember when you and your dad were alive? Oh, God. Thank God phones weren't out in 1993. Right. I was a child. Okay.

Anyway. It sent me one in cuffs the other day that I took a picture. What? You were in handcuffs? Yeah. I don't know how I managed to take a picture in the back of this cop car of me having handcuffs. What?

Oh, I thought you meant in like a sex thing. Me too. No, no, no. I was arrested. I was arrested. It would be triggering for how much I've been in cuffs.

I met some fucking comic who was like, hey, I've been meaning to tell you, I dated a guy who arrested you years ago. Hilarious. I was like, oh, was it Martinez?

The fucking guy that when I roasted him was going to put in an APB for pedophile? Fun joke. Yeah, fun joke, Martinez. They go, don't he got a five head? I go, no, he's got a five times five head. Look at that big ass head.

And when they put me out of the cop van, I was in handcuffs. They go, watch your head. I go, tell that to Martinez. Nice. They still locked me up. That's nice. Yeah. I know. It's good to have fun still locked me up that's nice yeah i know it's always fun though yeah you make them laugh and then it's crazy when they put them yeah they're like oh we got to it every time you don't they put music on and you're like jamming out with them in cuffs and then you're like wait wait don't close the door don't close the door don't close the

door and then you're in there it's crazy it's crazy that you can just take another person and put them in the cage it's Yeah and now if you're mentally ill You can scoop them right up Bye bitches Dude that is so crazy I know it's crazy Have you heard about this? I've heard about it

Do you really want to get into it? No Because I've got some opinions Oh yeah I was just saying bye to you guys Oh is it Republican? Is it Republican opinions? No no no Oh no

I'm not a fucking Republican No I'm Fiscally conservative You said you don't like hair on a girl's asshole You look'm... Fiscally conservative. You said you don't like hair on a girl's asshole. You look socially conservative, fiscally liberal. Right, right. I don't know why, but it looks like a word to describe you would be fiscally.

Fiduciary. Not like in the meaning of the word, but just fiscal. I think it's because of your mustache. You know what I mean? All right, man. That'd be a good name for a cat, Fiscal. Yeah, Fiscal sounds like a rodent of sorts. It's like Misdemeanor. I always think that that's pedophilia.

You want to meet my Fiscal? Misdemeanor would be my drag name. Doesn't Misdemeanor sound like, I missed him with my wiener into his butt? Not with that one. Missed that wiener. Not with that hog. Yeah, you're not missing anything.

Not that tiny little thing. Jordan rides a hog and she sucks him too. I'm good. I'll just go home and put in a tampon. It's because I lost my virginity to a dude with a big dick. So now,

that's really the problem. It's upstate New York. I'm telling you. Well, the first guy I saw had a big dick, but we didn't fuck. The second guy was this big. So, third guy.

Don't remember. The guy sucked on her. I wasn't there. Never mind. Go ahead, Ian. Nothing. Jordan and I were just trauma bonding.

Yeah. I was trying to join. Over getting raped. Been was trying to join. We were getting raped. Been there done that. I have a joke where I say that. After the Me Too movement. No you're right. No running jokes. I heard your voice say it.

I heard you say it fiscal. Surprise. My mom. This perfect angel woman. the best gail shout out look what she made for the podcast she's the best fucking knitted oh my god blanket and it matches the decor it's beautiful long enough maddie get in It's long enough. To do all three or should I get on with you? Can I get on with you guys though? Oh, this is comfy cozy.

What? Oh my god, yeah. Oh my god, Gail. Gail? Whose hands are those? Seven minutes in heaven. It's hell. It's hell. Dude, how did... One time I was dating a guy and he got a handjob from a girl while i was under a blanket like this with him really but from a different girl really like oh wait wait wait no what are you doing

were you like what's going on over there and what do you say and then he dm'd me recently and he was like if you want an apology i'll give it to you and i was like i want you to never talk to me again how about that hey if you want an apology, I'll give it to you. And I was like, I want you to never talk to me again. How about that? If you want an apology, I'll give it to you. Apologize. Wow, what a tough guy. This is fun. Oh my god, you are fiscal. Oh, this is fun, you guys. Little fiscal man. Gangs back together.

This is just what it's like being Ian and Jordan. I am fiscal Friday. You know what Ian's middle name is? Fiscal? Thomas. Thomas. Isn't that adorable? Ian Thomas. I'm going to get a French what his middle name is? Fiscal. Thomas. Thomas. Isn't that adorable? Ian Thomas. I'm going to get a French bulldog and name it Fiscal Thomas.

I'd be honored. Every one of my friends. Thomas Fiscal is an adorable name. What are you doing? Put that down. Did I miss? Did I lose? Is it bad that I lost this?

Am I bad? I don't know where it is. What do you mean? Oh. Can you get my panties? Thomas Fiskel. Thomas Fiskel here. Thomas Fiskel here with the weather.

It's going to be cold. Milwaukee is looking bright today. What are you doing? I've never. I'm getting comfy. You feel like a transformer that's glitching next to me. So many parts are moving. I'm getting comfy. He's acting a transformer that's glitching next to me. So many parts are moving. I'm getting comfy.

He's acting like a dog before he goes to sleep. I'm colder now in the plane. Yeah, I'm freezing actually. What the fuck just happened? I feel like a refugee. Oh, the window's open. This is fun. Thomas Fisco.

Do you guys want me to move for view purposes Or are we fine No this is great Gail you're really fucking up some of these loops though Oh I see that's where it connects Give her a break She did this all on her own I got her a knitting kit I did

My mom did this I got her a knitting kit during the pandemic And I have seen her growth with knitting. And it's so nice. You got her into it? Yeah. And she's going to knit us pillows. Oh, that's really nice.

Matching pillows. Yeah. Shams. Isn't this great? Yeah. Gail, make us things for those ugly pillows. Can she knit me a neck pillow cover for my travels? Do you guys have neck pillows? I don't. I have a neck pillow cover for my travels do you guys have neck pillows

i don't i have a neck pillow but i never bring it because i i steal them from the airport oh yeah i stole a book recently i wrote okay he's crazy with the stealing it's really good is this fucking like fucking jewish jewish like trashy so i wrote first class and then give you, are you Jewish? Is this shitty? I, did you just spill something? It fucking better. Well, better be Thomas fiscal.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Okay. So whiskers, I, I wrote first class Delta and they give you pillows and a blanket.

Yeah. And everyone just leaves them on the seat. I took them. And now I bring that as my pillow and blanket that's disgusting grow up no offense talking about you can't use somebody else's disgusting no no no no no oh the one they gave me the one they gave me i didn't steal it from another chair but if they give them to you why did you why do you bring it? Because sometimes they don't. Because sometimes he travels coach. Because, no. If it, Delta Comfort.

If you, if you ride first class. Delta Comfort, which is such bullshit. I know, I can't believe you got into that scam. It's so crazy. It's like buying a timeshare. If you ride first class, they give you a pillow and a blanket and a zip up thing. Right. Everyone leaves it like it's garbage on the chairs.

The one that they gave me, I took and I now fly with it and it's a perfectly good blanket and pillow. Does it get down to a small size? What? Like when you fold it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's great. I don't know why people-

Well, I think that's good actually. Thanks. Because you got bumped up from sky priority to a first class one magical time and you savored it. No. I bought the tickets. You did not buy a first class ticket. Yeah, I did.

Why? Because. It's like $1,000 more. I like to treat myself sometimes. Ian, you're just lying. Why am I lying? You bought a first class ticket. Yes.

Look at me. From where to where? I swear to Christ, I bought the first class ticket. Why would you do that? Because I wanted to treat myself. Because I was flying to the West Coast. Can I have some money for the Uber it took to get here if you're flying yourself first class? Can you not run your fucking mouth?

Jordy, Jordy. He's like sitting in a trash can. Also, I have children. Everyone here is shivering. We're wearing slippers. We're in the middle of brooklyn and ian's like so i'm flying first class none of us have been paid for this and you're like yeah and then i stole the pillow so if you guys want to sleep outside i'll give you my delta pillow to use because you can't make rent can you listen to me look i treated I treated myself. First of all, it's money I made doing fucking scamming.

Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh. Uh-oh. Tea's ready. Kettle's boiling. The money from the podcast hasn't been touched, okay? Don't fucking put that on me. I'm writing checks after the show. Everybody's getting a check today.

Not always pockets. Stop. I hate when daddy yells. Physical Thomas needs to calm down. Really scares me. I ride first class now on a bump up and you can do a payment plan where you pay 200 bucks a month, which is what I've done. You put a flight on a payment plan.

You put a flight on a payment plan and then stole the pillow. Yeah. You fucking showed them. That is crazy. I told you. Yeah. Why did you do that? It was mania. You're paying the equivalent of a student loan payment for a flight. I told you, yeah. Why did you do that? It was mania?

You're paying me a quick one of a student loan payment for a flight. I keep buying things manually. Every Monday. Yeah, well, here's the rub. I messed up and put the insurance on a payment plan. So now I'm paying like $7 for 12 months to pay the insurance. And they charged me the full price for the ticket. the insurance and they charged me the full price for the ticket so now i gotta call amex and delta be like hey and then i tried it again i canceled the flight did it again it's too late where were you paying 12 months to make sure that flight got off the ground

i'm sweating you know what my move is i just book the flight for 3 p.m. And then I sleep. And then on the flight, I can live and do work. Yeah, I do. I do. I know you go early morning. I go. Fuck early morning.

I go. I landed at the city at 10 minutes before the show. Me too. I pull up to the club with my suitcase. I hate it. I hate that. I can't do it in the morning. I love your little nappy nappy poo poos.

I take all the stuff out of my bag. I put it in the drawers. I make it my home. Your two pairs of Air Maxes which is insane. There's nothing crazier. This fucking idiot the other night goes you know those shoes. You got a good outfit but you gotta get shoes that makes it look like

you're a fucking janitor. Yeah. No. You just have from the feet up you have very much a coherent look. And then you have these bright white stupid Air Maxes on. I get compliments on them. It's because their eyes are immediately drawn to them and they want a compliment. And then they're just like, hey, Ian, you are shoes. And you're like, thanks.

I'll justify buying 11 more pairs for the rest of my life. I have so many pairs of the same shoes. They're so bad. They're all the same shoes. You're literally Kendall Roy. Yeah. Who is that?

Hey, Arnold. Hey, fucking Arnold. It's nuts. And you owe my friends on their stoop. I have, yeah, I have a stoop kid. A stoop kid's afraid to wear a stoop. I do have everything. I threw out all my underwear now I just have

the same black pair of bikinis. Yeah, you keep asking to borrow mine. The same single pair? One pair of underwear? Only one, yeah. Only one, yeah. I wash it out

with Dr. Bronner's in the tub. Right next to your diva cup. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, you remember the diva cup? That shit was fucking... That was weird.

That was a crazy time that they went through. Wait, do you wear the... I wear the period underwear that now they're saying gives you cancer oh you can just i don't wear period underwear i don't wear period underwear you free bleed right in your i don't like that it's good i don't like that it feels good bring this conversation to the patreon because the girls are talking about their bodies sponsor us thanks it's really good i love it it. Really? I love it. Why don't you just like,

I have an idea. I don't get a period. I haven't had a period in like three years. Do you have the Mirena? La la la. I had that, but I tripped on mushrooms

and I was like, do you do the Macarena? I'm free bleeding. I could get the Mirena now that I don't do mushrooms. I'm so glad you don't do mushrooms anymore. They're so fucking dumb. Okay, here's the thing.

Let's move to the patient. You stopped doing mushrooms? Oh. Yeah, I don't do them anymore. But I got the IUD taken out because I tripped on mushrooms and freaked out that there was a thing. Oh, okay. I love it.

So you're not on birth control? Fuck no. That's why she's sucking dick under you. I'm like barren though, dude. I'm taking so many cum shots to the fucking cervix and not getting pregnant i think i don't i can't have kids i've had a lot of cum in me yeah i just realized i just realized that i have had a cell phone since i was like 15 and whenever i drive i keep it in between my legs like under my balls and there's got to be like people have gotten brain

tumors from holding the cell phone up to their i'm probably sterile or if you um only one way to find out this has been being immature oh i was waiting to find out i was like are you gonna come on my tits she has an iud and i'm a man yeah hasn't stopped me before brother that is true i'll get a dude pregnant right now bring a dude in here i'll get him pregnant watch me make an asshole out of a baby you know what i thought would be funny you know what i thought would be funny is if i crash the guy i had a secret thing with for like 11 or 12 years if i crashed one of his like family holiday dinners and i showed up and then i looked at his kids i was like you know i could have been your mother

i can't believe you had a secret thing with him and he wouldn't oh it's so i wish i could go back in time and hold you yeah it's so fucked up what do you like aaron hernandez or something no he just had a secret thing with a guy and then he would try and cuddle and the guy would be like no that's for the straight guy i had a secret thing with a guy and then he would try and cuddle and the guy would be like, no. That's for the straight guys. I had a secret thing with a girl where we would play lions and go down on each other, but over the pants. But it was crazy. And you had that cold pussy once. The cold pussy was crazy.

I think about it every morning. I don't understand. Cold pussy? I had the threesome with a girl who had a cold vagina. A cold vagina. Why is there a cold vagina? I don't know. Maybe she was outside for a while. No, I was, we were

there all night. I kept singing the X-Files theme song because I was scared to have the threesome. She was like a CrossFit girl with no body fat. Yes. Yeah. My pussy's piping hot. Yeah. It's like a hot pocket. It's crazy. I should let it cool for a second.

Put it on the counter. Put it on the window like a pie it made me insecure it made me be like maybe I should ice down my pussy before sex are people out here looking for the cold puss no

are people trying to find some chili snatch crazy gotta put it in the microwave this has been B&E with Jordan thank you for tuning in we love you patreon.com slash Crazy. Gotta put it in the microwave. This has been B&E with Jordan. Thank you for tuning in. We love you.

Patreon.com slash B&E and pod. Support it. Give us some jackals because we got some cool stuff going on. Follow Maddie Smith. Follow Maddie Smith. Follow Maddie Smith. So I can also book a first class flight and have the insurance on a payment plan. Who would do that? What's up?

Life goals. I would. You're welcome. Bye bye. light and have the insurance on a payment plan. Who would do that? What's up? I would. You're welcome. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.