Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein Ian with Jordan Episode 022: "Christmas With Ian and Jordan"

Episode Date: December 28, 2022

Our weird little family celebrates the birth of the Lord together in the strangest of ways!

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian

Being Ian And life is. When you're being Ian, being Ian, life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a life. Being Ian, being Ian. With Jordan. With Jordan.

Merry Christmas! Hey, we got the vinyl for the... Ho, ho, ho! Nice! Yep. Why are your pants... Those aren't my pants. Oh. There's...

It's a Christmas episode here on Being Ian with Jordan. This is Santa Claus, and I'm Mrs. Claus. What's this big tuna can? Oh, that's cologne I got at Duty Free. Since it is Christmas, I got myself a Christmas gift. Is it me? It's you, and I'd like to unwrap you. Your mother's here.

I've been wanting to do this in front of her for a while. Mom, you could probably sit there while we record. You know what I mean, right? It's not going to show her. Oh, the smoking. Yeah. Well, speaking of which, I got myself... If you want to hear my mom, you have to subscribe to the Patreon because this is a regular

episode, but she'll be on the Patreon later. And it's going to be a good one. Yep, yep. Her and Jordi were upstairs talking about sentient beings and ai and i can't the reagan administration yeah i can't wait to my sister's infidelity with her husband watch um i uh i got myself nine cartons of cigarettes at duty free duty free it would be cheaper to buy a ticket to mexico oh wow and get a ton of stuff at Duty Free and come back. You're just holding... It's so awful.

Hello? Yes? It's Jordan. You're gonna die. Okay, I'll put you through to someone who gives a shit. How much do you think a carton of cigarettes in the city costs? I know. Marble Reds cost $12. No, $16. For a carton, it a carton it's like 170 i get a guy i get cards for 90 these were like 80 three cartons for 80 bucks are you kidding me i'm

sitting on okay okay if we're talking about 1800 cigarettes right now for fucking a couple pesos talking about being jewish and getting free things, I went to Nashville, and I was like, hey, Megan, because she always has too many clothes, I said, let me look through your clothes, and she said, okay, but not these, so of course I went for those. Put these pants on, work pants, like Kevlar, Imogen and Willie

$300 pants. I said, these fit me perfect. She said, okay, take them, bitch. Really? Yeah, I've been wearing them for a week. Well, now you can wear those with your very own Christmas gift I got you. Oh! Oh my god. Merry Christmas. Oh my god! Oh my god! Yeah.

Mine never came! Mine never came! It's a, it's a mom, it's a Matrix shirt! Oh my god! Yeah. This is the best present ever! Yeah. Oh, you guys! Yeah. the best present ever. Yeah. Oh, you guys. Yeah.

She's been talking about wanting to Matrix her for a while. It's the best movie of all time. If these are my favorite movies, this one's not even on. I'm not even going to say it. It's just on a tier higher. It's on a higher tier. Oh, God. Yeah.

There it is. Yeah. Put it on, Santa. Go ahead. Ruin the Santa outfit. Yep, pulling the sleeve out. Hold on. You got to hump back.

Oh, wow. Oh. Yep. There it is. Ho, ho, ho. Merry, merry. Okay. Yep.

What'd you get me? Well, it's your birthday coming up. Uh-huh. And New Year's. Yes. So I got you something. It's a very elaborate thing. That you didn't get.

You're just making it up. What is it? What is it? Really? You got me something? It's a surprise. Nah. It is.

Really? Yes, yes. I do. Yeah. That's so nice. Isn't that amazing? I do. Yeah. That's so nice. Aw, that's so nice. My best friend. My best friend and I love you.

Okay. So. Wow. That's what friendship looks like. Yep. Yep. Just two mentally ill people dressed up as fake characters. Dude, I am mentally ill.

Are you? I really am. You don't hate. I'm PMSing and I lost my mind last night. But here's the problem. Can I tell you? I know you so well. You go, this and this and this happened.

I said, well, you're probably close to your period. You go, I'm four days out. I am four days out. I know it. I can tell. I can tell. I am four days out. I know.

Okay. I know. So what happened? Here's the problem. I can tell. I can tell. I have four days. I know. Okay. I know. So what happened? Here's the problem. I get off stage, nightmare. I think everybody's against me. I hate everybody. I'm like, that's a sinister person.

I get on stage, crush. But the second I get off, that crazy doesn't translate to real life. Uh-huh. So I just have to shelter up in my hole. You got it. Also, here's another thing I did while I was gone. It's on my Tinder profile. I told my friend Nelly.

I told my friend wholly i told my friend my friend who she got me to so she lost her job and i paid her to clean my room here's what she did she reorganized the whole room didn't clean yeah of course of course she did this i was like You're in a beard This bitch This bitch Uh huh Let's hear it Reorganize the whole thing Uh huh Dust Dust and

You don't say Yeah No I was like Reorganizing is the fun part I already did that I like my things where they are So she dusted

No But she didn't organize She organized She organized But she didn't dust Yes but I don't need to organize Who organizes But they don't dust

I needed the dust. I need the dust. I had to spend all day yesterday putting my band tees back in the stack. You know what I mean? All day. All day. This bitch, she does, but she doesn't dust. This Santa suit makes me want to get a blowjob.

Well, you come to the right place because Christmas is coming early. Why is that? Mrs. Santa Claus, not the only thing I make is cookies for Santa. Okay, what else happened? You went to a wedding. Did you fuck a man? I went to a wedding. Did I fuck a man?

You look great. Thank you. You look really good. You look good too. What? You look great. No, you said I have a black eye. I did, yeah.

Look how tired. But you look better now. I've been having a lot of sex. Once you caked on the makeup, you look great. I've been having a lot of sex. Once you caked on the makeup, you look great. I've been having a lot of sex. How is it? It's good, but I'm on Prozac now, so I can't come. I know.

I mentioned that in my set. I say you call it Prozac pussy. It's Prozac pussy. I know. Numb to the world. Yep, yep. And I say I take antidepressants, and if I don't take them, I want to kill myself, but I can come. But if I do take them,

I can't come, which makes me want to kill myself. It's called Zoloft's paradox. Now you can see me do those jokes and more. I say I was on Prozac for OCD, but I couldn't come. So now I'm off Prozac, but now I can come,

but I have to do it in multiples of three or my mom will die. That's good. That's a good joke. That's good. Yeah. Okay. The other thing I was at, wouldn't it be three or my mom will die. That's good. That's a good joke. That's good. Yeah. Okay, the other thing. Wouldn't it be funny if your mom all of a sudden woke up in hospice and then they took her off hospice because you finally came again?

Yeah. Yeah, that would be hilarious. That would be so funny. Woo! Funny, funny, my nightmare. that would be so funny funny funny my nightmare jokes are good when they are my life hold on my bonnet got in the way what i was at i was at i was getting coffee earlier with somebody and we were it was a russian place and they were like the russian lady i was like i think this is

a russian place and he had ordered a sandwich and he was like well they ain't Russian on my and he paused and he was like sorry that's stupid and I was like you think that's stupid buddy that's incredible I was like that's art on our podcast that's like that's like we would do a lap oh yeah we'd blow the horn he like bailed on it I was like were you about to say they're not Russian on your sandwich

and he was like yeah it's stupid and I was like dude stupid I had to fucking jump down Ethan's throat to clip that fucker up. I'm like, hey, elf, get in the workshop, bitch. This one's going viral. Are you kidding me? I couldn't believe it. He stopped himself.

And I was like. Oh, by the way, we have to, by the end of the episode, get our little elves on camera because our crew is dressed as elves. Yeah. How do we do that? Well, come on out. Yeah, come on in. Come on in for a second. Yep, come on in.

This is bad. This is producer Ethan. Hello, sit on Mrs. Claus' lap. Yes. There we go. Oh, he's showing it all. Our little workshop. This is producer Jordy, young Ethan.

This is behind the scenes. And the Christmas gift to you all is that you get to see them. They make it all run. Yes. So that we can show up, have meltdowns about people we're dating and then come down here.

And literally watch a clip from Love Actually while Jordan puts on makeup in my mirror and I start to sob and go, should I do this tonight? Oh my God. You have to tell them about the love on a spectrum thing okay this is amazing okay so uh i got uh a cameo is something where you request a famous person to basically send a video being like happy birthday dear yeah yeah yeah hey mark i heard it's your birthday you got a real good wife that loves you and it's like the rock yeah yeah i do cameos that's you believe it well if i signed up for it you could be on there people get cameos from you yeah they'd be like santa how much can you you can make your own price jordan i heard you got an into Santa. Okay, tell this Christmas story.

Okay, so if you blow that in my ear, I will punch that fucking hat off your face. How is his hat on so cute? He's immediately a Brooklynite. I know. Look at that. You could do a Peter Pan. My mother used to tell me that I was an elf.

What? Yeah. They would say every year, you got to be good because Santa's going to come pick you up, but then he would never pick me up, and that I was an elf. What? Yeah. They would say every year, like, you know, you got to be good because Santa's going to come pick you up. But then he would never pick me up. And so I was like really confused. I thought I was a bad kid. Oh.

Yeah, they lie. My mom was talking about this, how she's against the lying to children about Santa Claus. She always, she never liked it. Yeah, I believe. I found out one year because it was written in dad's handwriting, Santa. I got in an argument in fifth grade and said, of course Santa's real. Why do you think there are time zones

so we can get around the world in 24 hours? Okay, that's adorable. That's a good argument. That's a good argument. That is the cutest thing I've ever heard in my life because why are there time zones? Thank you, Michael Crowley and his family for giving me shit while we watched Austin Powers.

Little bug-eyed bitch. Would you tell your kids there was Santa? Yes, because that's how you trick them. From the start? You thought you were an elf. If you were one mythological character. How the fuck did your parents, they said you're a little elf boy. You were like.

Well, because I had like little pointy ears. Like as a kid. Your nose is kind of elfy. Yeah. I mean, and I'm short. Yeah. I mean, like it just all made sense. Yeah, yeah.

So I believed it. They said, Santa will come and get you because you're an elf. Yeah. But did you want to leave your home? That would scare the shit out of me. Well, it was exciting to be like, oh, I'm going to go to the North Pole. Oh, they'll drop you back off. It wasn't like my sister being like, a different family is going to get you and take you away, finally.

Yeah, but you were never taken. So every year you were a failure. Yeah, that's what I felt like. See, I would be that parent. I would be that parent. What? First of all, I would only speak around them in a British accent for like the first five years so that they would do that.

They would just have a British accent. I would do that, but Jamaican. Yes, yes. Dude, I would literally call someone. Hey, one, one. Hey. I would do social experiments. I'd be like, let's see what happens if you only eat cashews

for a full week let's show me your poop just just out of curiosity like i would create them they would be a little lab rat you know what i mean i would be like you're i'm gonna tie your one hand behind your back you're gonna get good with your left hand okay that would be great you know italians did that when their kids use their left hand they'd smack them so they'd be right-handed because being left-handed was a sign of the devil. And it happened to a family friend of mine. It was a twin. And the one twin ended up becoming a great doctor and all this stuff.

And the other one became a blacksmith and he died early. Which one? The free-to-be-left-handed one? The left-handed smacker. The one that was forced to be right-handed. Is it bad? He didn't end well. I tried to give a handjob on my left hand recently. Really a retard.

I mean, unbelievable. I like it. I might as well have been smacking it, punching it. Yeah, but then the guy can take your hand and make him go like, here, let me show you, little elf. Take it out. Come on. All right, get out of here.

Get out of here. You're hurting my leg. Get out of here. They're the my leg. Get out of here. They're the ones that make the magic happen here. So what happened? Jordan wears one boot and the other, there's nothing. What happened? What happened?

Oh, my God. It's too hot. It's so hot. It's so hot. Okay, tell me what happened with the cameo. Oh, Matrix shirt. I'm wearing bloomers underneath my outfit. Mrs. Claus has a little gift for the little boys and girls.

It's a centuries-old coochie. It's got a little Christmas frost on it. Maybe you could warm it up with some milk and cookies and chocolate. Tell, tell. What? Oh. So my, my ex and I. This is gold to me. Tell, tell. What? Oh. So, my, my ex and I. This is gold

to me. This is unbelievable. So. This is why it's worth staying alive. So, one, me, me and my, me and my ex, her and I really bonded over love on the spectrum, and we had, like, favorite characters, and her and I started, like, connecting recently and just checking in. Being pals, being

pals, being friends. Being friends. Feels good. It will be more than friendship. Will it be a Christmas miracle? Will she come back home? When you wish upon a star. You know what it's like? You wish that you didn't move in so fast

and that you turned into roommates instead of lovers. And then you get the second chance in the new year because you're older and wiser. Hypothetical jokes are the funniest. It's like this song. You know this song. Don't play it. Jordan. Jordan.

Jordan. Jordan. Jordan. Jordan. We're going to get demonetized. Okay, well, it's like the offspring song. Just like when you showed a wiener in the last episode. Did it show the wiener?

It showed the wiener. His wiener's all over the place. Yeah, but YouTube cares because we're under a totalitarian state. No, Santa, no. Santa. Now, let me tell you something. For years, I've been a homemaker while you go out every night. You're in every different house, different time zones, different countries.

I know that you're slaying that cock around. Oh, you're the wife. I'm the most famous man in the world. I am crushing puss. I am sneaking into teenagers houses and smashing. And that's why I'm bringing it up. You want your little AirPods, baby girl? I'm at home and I got this eunuch elf.

All he does is try to lick my pussy like it's a crumb cake. You don't do shit all day. Maybe you could build a cock in the workshop, elf. I'm sitting here. I'm hungry. I'm lonely. I'm tired. My man's out every single night working this leg one night i know you prancer i know you prancer i seen his little prancer

you prancy you dancing you donnie youitzen. The only one that's not getting fucked is Mrs. Claus. And you knew I wanted children and I didn't have any because they get confused with the elves. So many elves. I gave you endless elves. Elves. Elves. Not blood children. Elves.

I'm not happy, Santa. It's not good Every year I come up to you I go hey guess who's on the naughty list And because you're an autistic Old wood shop builder You take it seriously Not the fact that I'm throwing my snows at you Like you wouldn't believe

Every year what you think I'm really misbehaved? No. I want you to spank me. I want you to take advantage of me. Why do you think I wear this little Miss Muffet top so you can rip it off and eat my Mrs. Claus pussy? Every year Guess who's been naughty And instead of you licking my box

You give me coal I don't want it You know how tight my pussy is Put the coal in there A dime will come out For once Would it be a Christmas miracle for Mrs. Claus to get rammed out? Huh? Here's a miracle on 34th Street.

I'm going to go down there and shake my ass so I can get a little cock once in a while. Oh. And another thing, if that twink elf Ethan makes eye contact with me one more time, there will be hell to pay. He's an explorer. I mean, I know, I know his parents lied to him and said he was an elf,

but guess what, Toots? You're not a real elf. You're a human boy. Grow up. I'm overheating. All right. All right, I'll fuck you right now, you old dusty bitch. Oh, thank God.

I'll fuck you right now. That's what you want. See, ladies? That's what you want. See, ladies? Okay, here you want. See, ladies. Okay, here I go. You got to advocate for yourselves. Oh, my God.

Miracle on 34. That. Really proud of you for that one. Oh. Oh. Stop it. Stop it. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry, sorry. Mrs. Claus is clearing out her outer lungs.

Make room for your cock. Oh, my God. Can you get me a Topo Chico, please? Can you never say Topo Chico like that ever again? That is exclusively Mrs. Santa. Give me a Doppelganger. Mrs. Santa. What's her name?

I'm too hot. Mrs. Claus. I'm too hot. Oh, fuck. That's good. I miss you. What a nice Christmas. The boys came down early and Decorated the studio

Isn't this nice It's so nice Yeah well now every episode this week is a Christmas episode Because it's too much work for just one Oh wow the wrapping paper and everything The boxes Where did you guys get all this stuff My house

You just had it Yeah there you go Did you see the Justin Bieber Snuggie Snuggie Isn't that nice? My house. Yeah. You just had it? We're elves. We made them. Yeah, there you go. That's a better answer. Yeah. Ugh. Yeah. Did you see the Justin Bieber stocking? Snuggie?

Stocking. Oh, stocking? It's really good. Isn't that nice? It's really, really good. Yeah. Thank you. Ugh.

I just thought of the fact that we should have put cigarettes in the menorah. I thought of it while I was sitting here just now. Oh, fuck. That's such a good idea. Well, hey, man. It's never too late. Why do I think of Atel as Dave? I mean, as Santa Claus? I don't know.

Does he dress up as Santa Claus? Or was it just that voice you were doing? Was that Atel voice? No. He has that gruff voice. No, I think of him as Santa Claus. We should get him to dress him as Santa Claus we should get you guys taking those pictures together and you are like it's like a

two-seater and you're sitting in one seat and he just refuses to sit down is so good oh dude I'll tell you this you and I went on another Christmas photo shoot we went to Rockefeller Center. Got pictures of the tree. Got pictures together with guys dressed up like the Nutcracker. It was amazing. We really had fun. Hey, what the hell's happening over there? Are you leaving? I had a really good time with Louie on this tour.

It was way... We took a private jet. I took a private jet. Oh! A private jet. Isn't that crazy? Fast and a little bit loud. Really?

Catering. Giant seats. Oh, my God. That's amazing. How many people does it hold? Two, four, six, eight. How many were on the road with you? Just you two?

It was me, Louie, the tour manager, Mary, and the pilot. Wow. Yeah. That's awesome. It was so awesome. That's fucking great. That's a dream. Um, from...

I'm hot. I know you are, bro. I'm too hot. I'm wearing a thermal. Okay. We took a jet and we went all over. A jet is really fun because you can... Oh, Jordan's in her bra.

Damn, Christmas came early. Look at them mamma jammas. God damn. I want to take a private jet, take off from JFK and land it in your pussy. Okay. I've been doing this fun thing where I joke around about how I use my dick as like an airplane. Like, you know, when you feed a kid, you're like, here comes the airplane. I go, hey, honey, here comes the airplane.

Connect and flight your ass. Wow. I go, 9-11. I knock someone's drink over. With your dick? Yeah. Nice. You know, that's the kind of stuff that'll get me on a private plane, huh?

The private plane, my only beef was that, actually, it was kind of nice that it was loud so we couldn't talk the whole time. Also, I will take trains forever for the rest of my life. Yes. They were the best. The best. They served an omelet on the train?

What? Yes. In first class. On a train? On a train back to New York first class. From where? Boston. Amtrak.

Dude, Boston sucks. Amtrak? You did Amtrak. Dude, Boston sucks. You did Amtrak? The Sella. The Sella. Wow. Boston, the first show we did, somebody literally halfway through the show,

somebody's like, lights, lights, like it's a hardcore show. Bring the lights up, massive theater. Dude's like, somebody's passing out, like a hardcore show. Jesus. And Louis just has to stop and be like, all right.

It was so gay. Oh. But the rest of the shows were amazing. That's great. When was the last time I saw you? Dude, years. I know. What happened in Cabo?

Oh, Cabo was great. Wait, we have to order of operations. The Louis stuff was great. Stayed in Four Seasons Hotels. Giant. Ordered room service constantly. Yes. Chicken. The bat chicken chicken they had a room you

know how we're off sugar they had a room called the vault that had just candy on tap do you understand what i'm saying yes oh dude you and i have been killing it with the no sugar yes i'm about to shit my pants because i've eaten prunes to deal with it because i need sugar okay but we're all having a good time yeah i had sugar because it was the wedding and there was like wedding he texts me and he goes is it cool if i have a little wedding and a cake and i was like and i was like yeah that's fine like i feel like it's an exceptional exception you can do it and then and then i was like just don't do the thing where you like and you go crazy after and he's like oops is the next crazy after. And he's like, oops, is the next sex I get?

And he's like, I was literally going around with forks to everybody's table eating off their plate. Yeah, yeah. Which I totally get. That's why I didn't let myself do it. I just had a little bit of dessert, and then I noticed it was like tapas, and people didn't eat their dessert, so I went over with my spoon,

and I was like, well, it's going to go bad. And I was just eating food off of people's tables. Literally a mercenary of dessert eating. But that's why I don't want to start doing it again because that feeling is so bad. And then the next night with the wedding cake, I had one and then I drizzled caramel all over it. And then I fucking, what's wrong? Is everything all right? Did you feel bad?

Yes, I felt bad. Really, really? Did you feel like hungover the next day or later on really i saw shane torres last night and he was like i just ate seven steaks i feel bad and i was like i don't think i heard you right because that's like insane yeah and he was like it's and and then he like kept talking he was like i really need to go home and i was like yeah you i just had seven steaks i know i Wow, that's so good. And I felt bad. Bad?

Here's the thing about eating a woman's pussy. You know what is true? Nobody, people can't imitate you. Like Mullen, he can't do it. Really? No. Oh. Anybody else?

I've cornered the market on myself. I think you just have a transient, you know, person. You're a shift. You're a trans. Yeah. Do you think this is a good trans premise? What if it becomes like the next American dream? Like in the future, like how now we're like, we're like, my daddy was a, you know, immigrant and now he owns, he's an immigrant farmer.

Now he owns Monsanto. And then like in the future, it'll be like, my, my daddy was a, you know, factory worker and now he's got tits. They giggled, they giggled, they giggled. All right. Do you know mom factory worker and now he's got tits they giggled they giggled they giggled all right do you know what i mean but do you know what i mean by american dream like because it's always the people who are not trans people but trans allies who are like yourself privileged i'm like what's more privileged than creating a vagina you know what i mean that's elite level shit like trans allies on the internet are like don't be privileged just don't be and i'm like it is the highest privilege to be able to create

a body part it's like getting you know plastic surgery is a very extravagant at this point so what i'm saying is what if that becomes like the next standard of like american dream dream is like i switched whole sexes and now i own a full bitcoin you know i mean dude that fucking guy that what's that mom What's that guy's name who went bankrupt? Not bankrupt, but the guy who was the Bitcoin person? The crypto? Sam what? Oh, dude. The mousy looking chick, his wife? Yeah.

The six. I have a wife. No. No, the chick Caroline. Yeah, this polyamorous. Mom, the 60 Minutes with him? Did you watch the 60 Minutes? No.

He's like Abe Blinken out here. He's just like autistic as fuck. What if he was Morse coding like help? This guy is a guy who started this company based on the, you know, mom, go ahead. Bitcoin, his FTT coin, yeah. His FTT coin. It was a complete and absolute grift. Yes, it was a grift.

Intended from the beginning it's a bigger ponzi scheme than made off because because people were donating money and he was just getting richer and richer no not that they were giving him money to buy his coin didn't he do what the stock market does where you give money and then they take it invested in other things he just failed at it he didn't invest it he spent it, he put it into his trading company, Alameda Research, which is a fucked up name. And then he went and took fiat money, which is regular cash money from the people that were buying the shitty coin,

and used it to his own purposes. Not the least of which, a penthouse thing in the Bahamas where he kept all his polyamorous people and one of them being caroline and bought his parents a multi-million dollar mansion i don't know here's the thing all these polyamory people it's never anyone you'd want to be polyamorous it's never some hot it's always some chick with a mouse face that like has a receding hairline or they're like a witch in bushwick they're the polyamory people it's never like oh hey i'm actually hot dude you know what's funny you know how we talk about the bisexual the other day in an audience in tacoma two women were sitting

together and one of them i was like are there any polyamorous retards here you know and one girl was like i'm polyamorous and this other girl was like are you too and she goes well i'm actually by no no sorry not polyamorous she's pansexual and the other girl was bisexual and i was like you know what's crazy is the bisexual girl any room you walk into you're the most woke or you're the most open but because you're with a pansexual you're basically a bigot because the pansexual will fuck anybody but you're saying i will fuck anybody i will only fuck men or women. You know what I mean? No. Pansexuals can fuck anybody.

Trans people. Anyone can fuck anyone they want. Bisexuals or the original pansexuals. Yes, yes. Pansexuals came out to have bi erasure. Right. Because there had to be another thing. The whole thing with pansexuals is they're like,

I'm not attracted to gender. I'm attracted to personality. No, you're not. No, you're not. Guess what? Because if you were, you're not on a, you're not. Guess what? Because if you were, you're not on a dating app with all blank screens

and profile bios. You fucking liar. You want yourself to be special. Bisexuals will fuck anyone. And just because we're not, well, I'll fuck XYZ, but da, da, da, it's not good enough for you.

You're a piece of shit. It's bi erasure. Grow the fuck up. And you're doing it for personality. I fucking hate you. And fucking stop calling me a bigot because I fuck everyone and not're doing it for a personality i fucking hate you and fucking stop calling me a bigot because i fuck everyone and not just every gender piece of shit everyone well hey there santa but what i'm saying is if the if the bisexuals in a room of whatever

they're a very woke person but because and then the pansexual makes a bisexual it with like by de facto oh well you wouldn't fuck this and this and this and this it's like you can't hang out you can't around her no pansexuals throw that shit onto bisexuals and it's and then i go no no i fuck everyone who the fuck you and they go well then you're pansexual i go well you're telling me what i am bisexual means you will fuck either body part vagina or penis either person whether it's trans or man or a woman but pansexual is like no we fuck trans people i go oh so they are not people you're like you're like more in that yeah you know what i mean yeah and all these fucking hippie dippy losers are fucking getting on my case do they get on your case they get on my case just in your no it's not just up here yes who it's up here

no no in like this clip i posted but fuck it i don't care fuck them oh i never read the comments like virus i haven't looked at the colbert comments have you looked at the colbert comments are they bad cordon cordon no Oh, Corden No, everyone loves you They're good? Sometimes they rip women apart No, well you're not a woman to people Because you're funny You weren't even looking

But as you were saying that I was going Just really hammering that home Oh, oh, oh So I got a cameo. Oh, cameo. So our favorite show was like Love on the Spectrum. And we would always like.

ADHD is just what we should call the book. You know what I mean? It should just be called Riddle It. It should be called Worm Brain. Yeah, Spider Brain. Oh, my balls are really bothering me right now. You know what I was thinking about? What?

If a man is being weak, you call him a pussy, right? Yeah. Uh-huh. But if a woman is being strong, like when I would do carpentry, people would be like, you have balls. Uh-huh. But balls, why is that? If you say you're a dick, that's a bad thing.

But if I say you have balls, that's a good thing. And balls are the most hideous, disgusting. Because balls aren't just physical. Balls encapsulate masculinity, manhood, going for it. Yeah, okay, so that should be you're not being a pussy, but you're being a fallopian tube, ovary, uterus. You're being a bit of a vulva. Way better.

A pussy should be like a slut. Sorry. No, a pussy, but pussy's a good thing. No, you're being a pussy. Yeah, yeah, but me? See? Oh, but being a pussy is associated with being effeminate and a girl. And being a dick or balls or whatever is associated with a guy, which is like.

I just think it's crazy that, yeah, I would do carpentry and people go, you've got balls. And I want to be like, that's the one thing that you can take in that I don't have. You could probably make a list of things and that'd be top. I don't have that. You've got balls. Well, it means you've got chutzpah. It means you've got strength. You've got fucking a go-getter attitude.

Guts. Balls though? Yes. It's like being like, you have a little crusty spot on your asshole. No, no, no. Because if you have balls, you go for it. You have a little crusty spot on your ass no no no because if you have balls you go for it you take risks i know what it means i'm just looking back at the origins and now it's a bad choice in the past anyway i ordered a cameo dude okay i love this i love the cameo okay so our favorite show is Love on the Spectrum. And we were talking the other night.

We were like quoting one of them. And I got, it was her birthday, and I got one of the cameos for her. And Love on the Spectrum is people with autism that they try to find love. And it's really kind of exploitative because it's like, hey, wouldn't it be funny if we watched two tards try to navigate

something that normal people can't even do dating what a genius like let's put them together meeting for the first time they already have social anxiety let's put them with cameras all around and then be like all right now try to finger and it's like it's really the most recent season they have one guy who's like i didn't see he's a ball just imagine a ball he's an's an Indian man, okay? That's him. That's you asked to do it? That's who I got, yeah. He's like this.

Yeah. Dude, he's truly, I cannot make out with him. He looks like Indian Slimer. He's like this. Yeah. And he has this little face. And he sits on a date. And she's like, so, she has kind of like down syndrome or something, but it's light down.

She's kind of like there. And she's like, what kind of shows do you like? And he's like. Yeah. light down she's kind of like there and she's like what kind of shows you like and he's like and you're like this is not okay and then they go i'm nervous and then they get up and go where's the bathroom yes yes and they have to be like we're gonna stop recording and they're like yeah yeah and they're like are you okay and he's like i want i want to touch my pokemon card yeah yeah yeah you shouldn't be doing this yeah i know girl is like i actually was looking to go for on it well she's like i was like gonna go but she is like she's a little fucked up but she is there

yeah and they're like we're gonna put you on a date with a brick we're just gonna drop that in yeah it's fucked up to her and what's even more fucked up is that you can pay these tardos money and make them say whatever you want yes it's insane okay so what a cameo is is you say hey i want to make a thing and they say happy birthday ian this is your this is duane the rock johnson yes yes but you sent it to the little indian i sent it to uh sabat he's like meatball. Yeah, he's a cutie little guy. No, meatball from Adult Swim.

If he was an Indian. And so I got him to do the cameo and he sent it back and there was no cameo. It was just a black screen with the sounds of him trying to record the cameo and a fan moving in the background. And that's what he said. That's what he said. And it couldn't have been even better. So now I'm going back and forth with his sister who runs his account to try to get him

to record the normal cameo. I don't think it was a fan. It's two gifts in one. No, you can hear the fan be like... Dude, can you pull it up? It's just a black screen. It's crazy. It's a black screen. It's so funny to be like, you know hear the fan be like. Dude, can you pull it up? It's just a black screen. It's crazy.

It's a black screen. It's so funny to be like, you know what would be funny? If we got like a cameo from a mentally challenged person and they send it back and it's just like. I mean, this is so what you asked for. That's like the $500 thing. Hold the bottom of the phone. Who has ever done this? It's like a long.

It's just black. Show the screen. That's scary. It's amazing. It's amazing. How does anybody take a video of blackness? You know what I mean? Like, what was he?

Was he just like this? That's the only way. It's, it's just pitch dark. What if they have them in like a room where they're just like forcing cameos out of them, like a fucking puppy mill puppy, just like, and he's in his dark cameo room.

Would you stop checking the numbers? Okay. Check the numbers. Check the numbers. Check the numbers. Oh, 10 K. Ethan.

Ethan made a great clip. Ethan made my favorite clip of all time. 10 K in an hour. We the numbers. Ooh, 10K, Ethan. Ethan made a great clip. Ethan made my favorite clip of all time. 10K in an hour. We nailed it. Oh, we haven't seen you since Corden. Jordan. Also tempted by God. Someone on the captions or the comments said something

that I didn't get until someone explained. They go, you've heard of Elf on a Shelf. Now get ready for, and I was like, get ready for what? And they were like, Jordan on Cordon. Oh, cute. You nailed it. Yes, it was very fun. Yeah, you killed it.

I should have had more energy is how I feel. Well, I have a couple notes. What? I fucked up a little bit. Dude, I fucked. There were three things I noticed, but go ahead. There was two. One, instead of saying I put a sweet potato in the oven last night,

I just said in general. And two, I said, buh-buh, like something like that. You did go, I remember. Like, like... I remember. Yeah. I fucked up a word. Yeah, it was good.

It was good. I think it got the... It was fun. It's just really weird because it's like this. See how we can't hear our own voice imagine being on stage like that you they don't have sound but could you hear the crowd yes i can hear the crowd but they're like this ha right it's so weird and you're like what do we do you feel that you could riff in the moment or no i felt like there were there was a thing that they

that they were coached on and that I could, yeah, I mean, I was looking at them, but I was really barreling through, I think. I was also very conscientious because I find it very cringy when people pause for applause. So anytime that would start to happen, like I would say something and people would start to clap and I'd be like, and on to the next joke.

And I said to the booker, I was like, and he was like, I'm really glad you did that. It's the worst. I hate when that happens. Can I say what was so cool? Not only did you fucking. Oh, it's. Dude, I put on deodorant.

It's not bad. Really? Smells good. Yeah, you're good. I. First of all, you crushed it. You fucking. It was so fun. It was great. You fucking, it was so fun.

It was great. You fucking nailed it. So good. And what I loved was, dude, you went out on a huge fucking. Yeah. My hair in my mouth. You went out on a huge laugh. Yeah.

Like a huge pop. Nobody gets huge pops on the show. Everybody goes like, and and i said try the next door thank you that's my time have a good night and you were like thank you like you got a huge thing and walked off most people say their line don't get anything and then let people know they're done and then they get the applause thank you you said your line huge applause then stopped i went and watched a lot of other people's and the clip the last thing is real like they're like because i've been like yeah i think they're i think they were like they're very like don't step on their jokes you know what i mean yeah but it was an end soon very

soon but um thank you for saying that what was was the other thing I was going to say? The only thing left for late night is family. He was really cool. It's crazy that they don't, yeah, he was very, I was, you know how I was thinking. And they treated me very well. They just didn't give me a hotel, which I thought was crazy. I still haven't been paid also.

But I then did Tacoma Comedy Club, very good club, but the same pay for the five minutes. Whoa. Yeah. Wild. Shout out Pittsburgh Improv. Holy fuck. No, don't say that. I just turned that gig down. Why? club very good club but the same pay for the five minutes whoa yeah wild shout out pittsburgh improv holy fuck no don't say that i just turned that gig down why because is that bad because they gave me thursday friday but i had already put in with is that stupid yes should i do it yes

some fucking improvs you get in with them you're fucking gold i'm yeah talk off her um I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm

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I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm

I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm

I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm

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I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm Yeah. Oh, should we do our plugs at the beginning of the episode again? Yes. Yep. And we'll be in the outfits. What else? We can't rewind and do the plugs? No, we'll record and then put it at the beginning.

You said, should we do it in... No, after we're done recording. Just do your little... I made a mistake. Look at my shirt, Mom. Isn't that great? I want one. It's got all three of them on it.

I ordered one and it never came in the mail and I was so bummed out. I'm so happy I got that. This is the best thing about being out of your 20s. You can just like things that you like. I hate rap. I hate rap. Me too. It's wiggity, wiggity, whack.

I hate it. I hate it. I like some of it, but I don't like it. You can't spell crap without rap. And my favorite rapper, he's white. Who? Mac Miller. Oh, boo. What? He's amazing. I do like like it. You can't spell crap without rap. And my favorite rapper, he's white. Who? Mac Miller. Oh, boo.

What? He's amazing. I do like some rap. Ooh, I like this song that's like, win, win, win, win, win, win, win. Fuck everybody else and win

by J-Rock. The guy. That's my nickname. You're J-Rock. J-Rock? And all we do is win. Oh, yeah. Thanks, patrons. Really fucking doing great. It's really fun. You're J-Rock. And all we do is win. Oh, yeah. Thanks, patrons.

Really fucking doing great. It's really fun. We're having fun. And everybody's being real kind, too, about the show. We really appreciate it. Is it hard to listen to? Because my friend Harry, but he's very Jewish. And there's your answer.

He says it's very chaotic. Do you feel that way? Do you feel like it's better to watch it? We need the feedback. Send it to him. She doesn't that way? Do you feel like it's better to watch it? We need the feedback. Send it to mom. She doesn't listen to me. I've watched it.

What is your feedback, please, mom? We should have both our moms on the podcast. Yes. That'd be fun. Not at the same time. You did say that. Did you? You said I'll bring Greg Gale up with me. Oh, yeah.

Well, I'm trying to get her to come up with those Attell shows, and she's not willing. Anyway, other mom? Yes, at times it seems chaotic. That's kind of her thing. Yeah, I cannot... High energy works. But for me, I miss some of the...

You're coming in your ear. I miss some of the jokes. You're coming in your ear? Who's not coming in their ear? Who's coming in his ear? This little elf's got cum in his ear. Now, here's the thing. That just means... That elf's been busy over here. Ha ha!

Yes! That just means you gotta rewind and watch again. Or I slow it down. Yeah. Sometimes I... We've been better at talking over each other. And you know what? Listen, we appreciate it.

We have. I think we need headphones. And let me say, when I say headphones, I mean invisible things. You know what I mean? Ones that we can move around in. Wireless. Wireless.

Do they make those? We need to get wireless. Do you think how much couch I have and I don't even use it anymore it's great we could just crop the whole podcast no here's the thing

okay we will slow it down if we had headphones it would help I don't think people say that but the headphones make it unnatural what if we had

one earpiece what are we a fucking weatherman wouldn't that be cool dude can we green screen a map and go it's getting sunny in the south why why i always wanted to be a weatherman yeah you'd be a good weatherman right cloudy with a chance of getting a call from my ex-wife the cigarettes yeah that's amazing yeah you didn't notice so beautiful we did that oh my god 20 minutes ago

where was i put move your fucking head i want to be i want you in it too but move your head there perfect oh my god it's really something oh it's just a beautiful piece of art i don't know what just happened i don't know what just happened. I don't know what that was. Okay. We're going to have my mom on the Patreon. She'll teach us things that we need to know about. We have to be open to it. You know what's crazy?

How to have a long conversation with Jordy in my kitchen about AI. Here's the question. Did you know what? You're going to teach us about that? What's the biggest city in India? Ian. What's the biggest city in India? Ian. What's the biggest city? The big city. I thought it was called Ian.

No, what is it called? Yeah, of course you did. What's it called? New Delhi. No, a different one. What's the biggest city in India? Abhadan. Okay, you know it.

New Delhi. Yeah. Yeah. Next, what's the other one? You were just trying to say something that she knew that I didn't. It's another one. What's the other one? What's the other one?

Go for it. I thought that Dubai was in India. I know. It was embarrassing. It's Mumbai. Yeah, well, Mumbai. You're not on the show yet. Bye.

Bye. Mumbai. Mumbai, bye. Mumbai Mumbai Mumbai Mumbai Mom is bye Mom is bye Mom is bye Mom is bye

Dubai and Mumbai Dubai and Mumbai Right that's the second one But I've always imagined Dubai is the big India thing Nope I also didn't know that it's Palestinians and Indians Didn't like I mean

Yeah I didn't know that it's Palestinians and Indians. I mean, yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah. Pakistani and India, they don't really get along. But they get along here, but they don't get along there. Pakistani and... No, they don't get along. They don't get along anywhere.

They hate each other. They hate each other. Even though they talk the same? No, they don't talk the same. They don't talk like this? They don't talk like that? They don't talk like that. They don't talk like this. Do you think in your ages,

they talk the same, but they do not. What? They say I'm Pakistani. No, no, no. No, no. You do Pakistani accent. Somebody do it.

I won't. What? Lower myself to that. Oh, yeah, because we got in trouble for that. Wait, we're allowed to do accents. We're fucking comedians. Those two are easily confused. Oh, thank you, mom.

Thank you, mom. Absolutely. I wouldn't know how to do it. Wait, we're not allowed to do accents we're fucking comedians those two are easily confused oh thank you mom thank you mom well i wouldn't know how to do it but wait we're not allowed to well i was saying i wouldn't lower myself because i don't know the difference can you can you not i'm showing up i'm showing a thing can we're doing the accent indian accent you're looking up on youtube what's that is that bad Indian accent. You're looking up on YouTube. What's that? Is that bad? No.

Is it? Here's an Indian guy doing it. That's a guy drinking Mountain Dew. It's what's his thing? How to speak Indian accent. This is, first of all. How to speak. How to speak.

Oh, I used to do it. You ever? Chet Hanks is my hero. Can we get Chet Hanks on the pod? Can we figure this out? Mom, do you know who Chet Hanks is? I started Can we get Chet Hanks on the pod? Can we figure this out? I started DMing with him about his weight loss program, and he called me lazy because I was like, well, I'm on the road.

I'd like to eat whatever I want. Yeah, he was like, you're lazy. Should I say, hey, can you come promo your program on the pod, and we will both do your thing? But it is kind of pricey and he wants you to pay money for it. Indian accents. I'm not just Indian. There's Sri Lankan, Pakistani

and all over South Asia there's different accents. But I want to introduce to you the South Indian accent. I don't want you to introduce shit. Thank you. Thank you. I want him to stop talking.

Chet Hanks' mom is Tom Hanks' kid who's not the one that's an actor. And he talks in a Jamaican accent. He says, my dad's about to win an award. He's who he is and he does what he wants. He's amazing. He's hot. He went on that bitch's show. Z-Way.

Yeah, Z-Way. And Z-Way was like, why do you think you can do this? And he was like, I do it. It's fun. I like doing it. I like Jamaican people and I like their accents, so I do it. He rules. Let me tell you, it was hard not to do Mexican accents in

combo. Oh, Louie made me cut my closer. You did do it? You're a good boy. That's why. He made you cut your what? He made me cut my closer because I do a Mexican accent and he does too. But it kind of was nice

because it meant that instead of ending on my favorite joke i ended on and my the new jokes killed the most the black guy one where i say my friend told me i did a black guy i'm the one that's it and molin my friend told me a day black guy and i and i was like did you just call me fat kills kills even in the wokest rooms yeah yeah they know they They know. I asked a black guy the other night. I was like, is that okay to say? And he was like, yeah. And I turned to his girlfriend, big fat fatty.

White? No, black. Yeah. But that wasn't my argument. I didn't say, did you just call me black? I said, did you call me fat? Which is a big fat fatty. What's up with these records?

Well, they were where the christmas gifts were really we have to display them they're beautiful we can't have them stacked up like that well we'll display them after christmas we'll put the smoke i know i hey i don't like it either all right so you sent the cameo to the x do Do you think she's going to take you back? Please speak into the mic. We're not discussing this at this time. We can have a conversation about it up there. No, I don't care about taking back or whatever.

I'm just happy we're in each other's lives again. I loved her for a reason, and we really had fun together. Yeah, having your ex in your life rules. No, the face. He hates this face. Yeah, it's ex in your life rules. No, the face. He hates this face. Yeah, it's a bad face. I know you're doing it now, and I'm not going to look at you. So rule it, all right?

I know you still have it. Because you want me to turn and get upset. And I know that's like your thing, and I'm not going to give it to you. And you're still doing it. I know you are. And now you're leaning towards me to make me see it. I don't we gotta set up a thing where i sneak in we don't have this out of it we gotta set up a thing where

i sneak in and we film it oh man mom we have to show the video of me scrambling around the hotel room one time we had to split a hotel room and i Ian like turned the flash on his phone to be like, what are you doing? And I was like, and like scared him so much. And we were watching the, and at one point I like come out and I'm like, and we watched the video so many times that we were crying, laughing. It truly reminded me of that scene in Hereditary

when the thing is crawling on the ceiling. But it scared me so much. I couldn't sleep looking at my own face. It's really, truly, no, it's horrifying. Yeah, no, you're very disturbing. It's really so much. I couldn't sleep looking at my own face. It's really, truly. No, it's horrifying. Yeah, no. My face is green. It's really fucked up. Yeah.

Actually, you did look really cute when you were like. But then it turned to where it was like, I can't function. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It was a lot. It was a lot. What is this? Ow.

Ow. Oh, my test. Ow, what are you poking me for? Oh, I didn't show you my new Tasmanian. Oh, my testicles. Ow, what are you poking me for? Oh, I didn't show you my new Tasmanian. Oh, stop, stop, stop, man. Stop. All right.

All right. Let's take a break. God. That is so terrible. Here's a question for the audience. Was it me or did Barney get punched by a kangaroo? Did Barney get punched by a kangaroo? Did Barney get punched by a kangaroo? Does anybody have that? Is that like Berenstain Bears?

Yes. Why would an episode of Barney happen where he gets punched by a kangaroo? Listeners, can somebody validate this? When I was a kid, Barney got, he had a kangaroo on the show and it beat the shit out of Barney. It ripped his little head off. It ripped Barney's head off. That was not on the show. You were experiencing some sort of trauma that you're placing on the Barney. It ripped his little head off. It ripped Barney's head off. That was not on the show. You were experiencing some sort of

trauma that you're placing on the Barney show. There was no possible way Barney got his head kicked off by a kangaroo on the show. That didn't happen. You're fucked up. I found it's Marty the monster got attacked

by the kangaroo. Rags the kangaroo. Do you see it? Not Barney. Not Barney. It was... Do you remember the cartoon Fantastic Max? Yes, the mouse? No, that's Mighty Mouse.

It was a boy who was fantastic and he would go to the moon a lot. You're so gay. What? Fantastic Max. He was a fantastic little fella. Do you remember Dinosaurs? Remember that show that

was just a fucking sitcom not the mama not the mama not the mama i'm the baby gotta love me that was so scary mom do you remember that it was real it was like big it was human beings in these very realistic dinosaur outfits very scary but it was like a sitcom with like a cigarette smoking dad i think we're allowed to watch theory that that show was like a sitcom with a cigarette-smoking dad. I think there's a theory that that show was based off of something. Like Roseanne. That's what it felt like. It felt like Roseanne, but with dinosaurs. I wasn't allowed to watch Roseanne as a kid.

I shouldn't have been able to watch that. Were you not allowed to watch any shows? Her stepbrothers made her watch Meet the Feebles. Meet the Feebles is insane. I was like, this is a puppet show with puppets, and then there's a cat blowing a walrus at one point. It's a really horrifying movie, but it starts out as puppets. So my moms were like, you can watch this.

Who cares? We were in the house watching it. And it was like, oh, who cares? Also, I was allowed to watch whatever the fuck I wanted. I watched Stigmata. That fucked me up. I wasn't allowed to watch anything. I wasn't allowed to watch The Simpsons. wasn't allowed to watch mtv or vh1 i wasn't

allowed to watch rosanne because you had cable we had little bunny ears that i would have to hold like up in the corner of the room in order to get one in order to get remember that mom fox you had to be like the guy at the end of blair witch just to watch fucking family guys. Yeah. Hiding across the street behind a tree. What's Seinfeld doing? What's Seinfeld doing? Yeah. And, but at my dad's house,

I had endless cable TV in my room and I would just eat and watch TV. And I grew to be 10 sizes. My dad died. My mom was like, okay, watch whatever you want. And then that's when we got like cable and I could like watch whatever. But when I was little,

I was only allowed to watch espn in the morning and abc um what was the friday show tgif yep yep and i used to impersonate urkel and for my talent show in second grade me and my best friend steve hasink i was urkel he was carl we wrote a sketch and i would go can i do do that? Oh my God, you loved it. Yeah. Oh, I had suspenders. So the sketch was, I made a super glue thing. You got a Tasmanian devil?

Tattoo, yeah. Where is it? On my arm. Nobody cares about the super glue. But can I see the Tasmanian devil? Sometimes I feel only not crazy on stage and then I step off and I can't function. So I know what you mean about the Steve Urkel thing. I think at a young age I was like, this feels right, you know?

What? To just be a lunatic on stage. How did you draw that connection? What are you doing? I think I might get, my next tattoo might be a butterfly on my chest. That's your stomach? Above my belly button. My stomach?

Yeah. You just want a butterfly on my chest. Oh. Shut up. It's okay. Earlier just went a butterfly on my chest. It's okay. Earlier I said Palestine and everybody said Pakistan. I was like, yeah, Pakistan. Some listener caught that. Let's go.

Let's go. Did incendiary say anything about December? Oh, you can go to the show. Yeah. Yeah. I got Jordan into the incendiary show. Amy real musical. Can I go alone?

Yes. But not with anybody. Well, I only got you in. So sorry. I can't show the tattoo. It's my favorite hardcore band. They're great. They're going to come on the podcast.

I got to email them. December 23rd is a holy day. 23 is my holy day. I'm in Philly for a gig. Oh, dude. By the way, my favorite fucking band, Blacklisted, was supposed to get together for a benefit show Sunday, February 4th. And fucking I'm friends with the guitarist. And he told me, he goes, don't tell anyone.

I go, okay, great. I had a weekend in Arlington, Virginia. Hit my agents up, said I got to cancel this weekend. Let's push it back just so I could go to see this band that I fucking love my whole life I never got to see them live

boom got it changed our agents are just our parents now I really wanna go I'm never gonna see them you never

let me do anything and also and also they honeys one time so then I found out that the lead singer cancelled the fucking

band getting back together and so it's not happening because they all fight i know so february 4th sunday do you want to go to the show in philly yeah we can wait you said it was not yeah but it's still a lot of really good band we keep talking about this all right well do you want to go is it up here oh it's not yeah oh it is Taz nice I love Taz I had a skateboard with Taz on it well it's the band that's not together is getting together and we're gonna go dude sick i can't believe you got this without consulting on their bicep where'd you get it uh ian wyderick at street dreams tattoo he's the one that you go to that's not Akira?

That's the other one? Yeah, dude. He's the one that did, Ian did my Jaguar. How do you decide which one to go to? I just, I do research. I love my guy, but his lines are too thin. I'm telling you, you need a new guy.

Yo, dude, I'm telling you, I'm thinking about only getting a tattoo. I'm getting one here and one here, and that's it for my arms yeah yeah i agree yeah like a rose with a dagger i should show you harry's arms he does that there's john and then a cross with a stone that says dan my grandfather's name was dan his name was john you don't don't put script on your arms don't tell me and don't tell me what they do oh we did matching tattoo we should oh yeah we're getting the jaguar head,

but we should also get the misfit skull. Yeah, let's not do the jaguar. Let's do something that actually is, you know what I mean? Not just like, we both like this, so let's get it. I mean, we can do that. Okay. But let's get one that like when you put it together, it's a heart. You know what I mean?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hold on, let me put my shoe back on. Let's get knuckle tats. Should we just get our arms fucking blasted all the way down? Fuck it, dude. I've been tap dancing for these industry dickheads for so long.

Going, I can't get tattoos. Kiss my ass. Kiss my ass. Right on the balloon knot. Kiss my ass. Yeah. Kiss it. Yeah.

Oh, wedgie. We haven't been tap dancing for anyone. We can't afford $400 tattoos every day. Yeah. Yeah. Also, to be fair,

you do see people on stage and it is distracting. Is this distracting? Is that your dominant? Yeah. This is the one I regret. That's the one I told you not to get.

I was going to say, you know what, Mark Cross, you fucked me, all right? You did a great butterfly. You fucked me. Mark Cross.

I have to keep this up so you kind of have to carry it. You gave me these lines. Too thick. Now I look like a dick it's on my arm everyone sees it everyone goes can you believe it that tattoo sucks you look like a

fuck i thought it was cool now i can't get into school because i have to let you know i'm a pedophile i'm just kidding. I don't know why my mind went there. I went for the joke and I should have just kept going. Yeah. Okay. I'm not a pedophile. They didn't mean to hurt you.

No, but this tattoo sucks. I told you not to get it and I told you not to get it there. I know. You know what my favorite tattoo is? This because when I cross my legs like this. Excuse me. It shows. Oh, oh yeah i can see it shows maybe being you know what i mean like i like how this one peeks out well i like how this one peeks out a little you know like oh what's he got to say okay we're gonna get tattoos what should we get should i get more on here i'm telling you i'm just gonna get one here and one

here boom but this one old pop pop style that's it but the one can be long but the other one can't also be long because then it will look like you're wearing like a skeleton suit this is gonna be long and this one's gonna be yeah like a stub and then along yeah yeah yeah but from my neck down i'm gonna be by the end of my life i'm'm going to be completely covered. Of course. I'm going to get like a huge fucking tiger. Mama's got a big old tiger. Ripping a woman's head off on my back with a wizard. You got a tiger tattoo?

Is it hard to show? Yeah, she's a badass bitch. Whoa. Look at that. Wow, you're so much more of a man than our production team. Yeah, show the Mickey Mouse I'm so glad I convinced him to get it on the fucking knee though You were like get it right on your forehead

Oh yeah that's right Yeah we all have tattoos It's so sick It looks great He's got a fucking big old one Jordy's got skulls Jordy looks like he was supposed to have this on forever. Yeah.

Jordy looks like he was born with it. It's bone masks. Yeah. Bone masks. Yep. Okay. What are we going to get? It comes together.

I think we should get the misfits skull. With like a rose up top and then a rose down here. And says, I ain't no goddamn son of a bitch. I ain't no goddamn son of a bitch. You better think about it, baby. I ain't no goddamn son of a bitch. You know, I used to listen to Last Caress in my mom's car on the way to school. And the song is like,

I got something to say. I raped your baby today. Doesn't matter much to me as long as she spreads. Sweet lonely death. I am waiting for your breath. One last

one last All right. Yes, we love you. Thank the shavar. Yes. We love you. Thank you. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

And a shanatovah. Happy holidays to all. I love my shirt. I'm glad you love it. It doesn't matter, doesn't matter what you say anymore