Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian with Jordan Episode 024: "Sleep Jeans" W/ Nikki Glaser and Anya Marina

Episode Date: January 11, 2023

Jordan is on the road so Ian is joined by friends Nikki Glaser and Anya Marina in the DD. The trio discusses MK Ultra, a "below-the-belt" diet, and dads. Thanks for listening ! Visit http://trueclassictees.com/SKA for 25% off of great gear, plus free shipping! Sub to the Patreon for goodies! https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod Follow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/ Follow Nikki Glaser: https://www.instagram.com/nikkiglaser Follow Anya Marina: https://www.instagram.com/anyamarina Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein' Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced by: Jordan Hayman: https//www.instagram.com/producerjordy Produced/Edited by: Ethan Dupree https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/   Show less

Hi everybody. You're all pal Ian here and sitting next to me is Jordan. She got in a motorcycle accident and had to get a face body, everything implant. How you doing Jordan? I'm doing well. April fools. That's young Ethan producer, young Ethan. Hello everybody.

That's enough. Okay. So, uh, since Jordan's not here this week for this episode, we apologize. She was on the road. Couldn't make it work, but it's a great app anyway. And we can't wait to see her next week. Ethan here.

We'll read out her dates, but in first January, 11th and 12th, Denver comedy works. Come on out. January 14th, Fairfield comedy club, January 26th,

27th, 28th, Tampa, Florida. Come on out. That Coastal Creative Comedy. And then for the rest of February, I'm on the road. It's going to be amazing. I'm hitting Governor's Brokerage, Hyena's Fort Worth, Hyena's Dallas, McAllister, Oklahoma, Hollywood Improv, McAllister, Oklahoma, Hollywood Improv, Utah Wise Guys, ianfidance.com for tickets. And Jordan, where are you going to be? All right. I'll be in Detroit, Michigan at the Detroit House of Comedy,

January, I think it's 5th through the 7th. So come out to that. January 20th. I'll be at, uh, in Belmore, New York, the brokerage comedy club. Super fun. Yeah. Uh, I'll also be there January 21st. Crazy.

Uh, January 27th. I'll be at uncle Vinnie's in, uh, point pleasant beach, New Jersey, January. Oh,

I'll be there January 8th, 28th as well. Okay. Wrap it up. Uh, April 20th. Yes. I'll be in. We're as well. Okay, wrap it up. April 20th. Yes. I'll be in.

We're doing April now. I don't know. Bativa? Is that Bativa? Bativa. Bativa. Bativia. All right. Jordan, where can they get tickets? Oh, you can go to jordangensencomedy.com to see this beautiful face on stage. And follow me on Instagram at Jordan, LOL, stop. It's Jordan Jensen, LOL, stop. Jordan Jensen, LOL, stop. I just changed it.

I just got a name change. Homunculus moron. Hey, I'm trying here. iAnimal69, Jordan Jensen, LOL, stop. Come see us on the road. And enjoy a smoke and hear a joke. Enjoy the show. We love you.

Bye. Bye. When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Being Ian Life is shit but you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live

A life Being Ian Being Ian With Jordan Let's find out what it's like to live a life Being Ian Being Ian With Jordan That's the beginning of the podcast We blow the Jewish Shafar. Is that real? Yeah

I found out I'm Jewish You are? Really? We've been telling you for years I know. You have to tell Ian I found out I'm Jewish. Nuh-uh Jerry Seinfeld told me I was Jewish. Shut up Really? Yeah, that's, it's either your mom is Jewish or Jerry Seinfeld tells you you are. Uh-huh. And that's how you know you're Jewish and what is the chocolate

stuck in your teeth is that a Sephardic or Ashkenazi wait how bad is that hey everyone it's amazing like he played Billy Hockey she got that done

in Muncie it's on my dumb Invisalign thing yeah I get it it's my dumb Invisalign thing Yeah I get it It's on my Invisalign attachment It's a button I've had Invisalign since 2016 Since before Trump I didn't even notice

Ever since you knew me boy You have those little hooks on you Yeah always Everything I've ever done And I have a friend who does Invisalign too. And this is weird trap where like you never feel like they're straight enough and you can't let them

go. Me too, sister. You never are. Let me just look in the mirror. Oh my God, it's really attached. It kind of looks like when you put like a little crystal. Can you give me a Topo Chico No I got a Diet Coke You can swirl it around

Yeah it looks like a Swarovski crystal Yeah people are doing that on their teeth now Can you snap it B&E Wait you have a theme song that who did it The Lumineers well Wesley Schultz of the Lumineers Nice oh the other guys were like Stop saying we did it too man

Yes An hour after release the Schultz of the Lumineers. Nice. The other guys were like, stop saying we did it too, man. Yes! An hour after release? No way! Don't call time! Wow! Oh, really? That's so funny. I was jealous when I saw that. I was like, wait, how did Ian get them and why didn't he ask us? It's like Lennon

and McCartney, like when Paul McCartney did like, simply having a wonderful... Lennon was like, don't associate, don't put me on this. I know we agreed any song we ever wrote together. Now, if you don't mind,

I have to lunch with Mark David Chapman. Wait, you think Lennon's lunching with Chapman up in heaven? How did Mark get up there? Wait, no, wait. He's not dead yet.

No. Okay. Eventually. You know who we're trying to get on the pod? John Hinckley. Because he's out. Yeah. Wait, so he was the guy that...

Jodie Foster. Right. Oh, my God. You know John Hinckley? Yes. And he's not so far. Reagan? No.

Okay, thank you. It was before my time. Okay. Before yours too, right? Before mine, but I've done my research. If you will, grab your tinfoil hat. Okay. I was literally looking around for it. We should get tinfoil hats when I start talking

about, you know, what's going on in Hong Kong. Okay. Really? Whoa, shit. Do you want to read this book called Every Knee Shall Bow? God, that guy's looking at me. The FBI Siege at Ruby Ridge. Oh, man.

I've heard about that. That's Mormon stuff, right? No, no, no. No? It was a white separatist movement. Oh. It was infiltrated by the government. Okay.

Ian knows all things about all things. We could talk about Waco, too. Really? What about Waco? Which Waco doc is the best? Because I've been on a tear of cult docs. I forget, but there's a good book. Is that called The Firefest Doc 2? There's two of them. There's a third Firefest, and it's about Waco? There's two of us.

There's a third Firefest and it's about Waco. It's the best one. They should have called it Firefest. Oh, tragedy. I haven't seen any of them and I hear they're great. Which one is best? I forget the name of the one, but there's a book. Fuck, I forget the name of the book.

Fuck! Where am I? What was I saying about... Every knee shall bow. Waco. Hinkley. Okay, you're going to have him on the pod. Dude, we're trying. He finally got out. He's got a music career. Really? Dude, he... He and Manson.

He tried to shoot Reagan, missed, a bullet ricocheted off the he didn't shoot reagan a bullet ricocheted and hit him and it also hit a secret service guy who was he trying to shoot reagan he was a bad shot okay right okay so the guy he shot he didn't mean to shoot yes and that guy was paralyzed died 30 years later oh from it but this guy was like wait what do you mean from it 30 years later from it. But this guy was like, Wait, what do you mean from it 30 years later? From complications

of being in a wheelchair. Right. From the thing, the shooting. Dude, this guy, so he came from oil money. He was rich. His family kept sending him away

because he was fucked up in the head. And he thought that if he got Jodie Foster's attention, she would be like, wow, you know what really makes me wet?

A guy that kills the president. What happened when she came out? I mean, I guess she hasn't officially come out yet, but was he kind of like, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa. Like, well, they did like mind control to me. I think they like zapped them. Like every time. What's the mind control thing?

MK Ultra. Yeah. Which sounds like a new beer, low carb beer. Wait, grab an MK Ultra. Want to take down the government? MK Ultra.

No carbs or you assassinate. They say Britney is MK Ultra'd. And by they we mean our friend who's a conspiracy theorist. Yeah, sorry, they is one person. My friend Taylor. Wouldn't that be funny? If you play her records backwards, she's got some real theories and you know that if i was friends with her i would be one of the people that's like my friend

taylor and i was just like we know who you're talking nikki can't stop talking about her friend taylor i went to the saxophone player from billy joel's band's house right my friend is his my friend's his son want to give his name yeah rich Yeah. Richie Cannata. Okay. We're at his house. Literally, there's a statue of him playing the saxophone. Photos of him and Billy Joel everywhere. And I was, this was like 2014. I had to leave the party early to go to like a bar show in Brooklyn. And he goes, yeah, I remember those days.

I had to miss out on my, I missed my brother's wedding because Cause I had a concert with Billy Joel and I was like, yeah, no shit, man. Yeah. I got a Mrs. Marty. I got a bar show with Lucas Kaiser. I know you're fucking talking. I kind of respect that because he wasn't just assuming everyone knew because there's that annoys me. So when I do meet and greets after shows, I'll be like, hi,

I'm Nikki. And they go, I know. And it's like, but what else am I supposed to say? You know, like that? They're like,

yeah, I know. And I'm like, yeah, introducing myself. Yeah. Introduction is fine, but literally the house that piano man,

Bill, right. Aware of the fact that he didn't call him Bill. You know, that's when people change the name slightly where it's like, Bobby. Yes. Film with Bobby. Or Marty. Oh yeah. Marty. You know, that's when people change the name slightly where it's like Bobby. Yes. I did a film with Bobby and Marty. Oh yeah, Marty.

Billy Joel like screwed him over a bunch of money. So it wouldn't have been funny. Really? Yeah, I missed my brother's wedding for to be in concert with Jewbag Billy. Jewbag Joel. Oh, speaking of Taylor, I have a song for you, Nikki.

You're out of town a lot, so... I wanted to say welcome to New York. Ryan Adams, welcome to New York. It's been waiting for you, welcome to New York. This was the most desperate attempt to get a girl's attention that I've ever heard. Maybe if I cover her album, she'll fucking go out with me. What's more, attempting for attention, making this album or shooting the president.

Both for attention from women who don't care. Yeah, I do. That Ryan Adams album is good. Aside from all the like, you know, who isn't in music, right? Besides Anya Marina and her fiance,

Matt Pond, who is now a part of the band, the natural lines. Really? Yeah. They changed. He changed his band's name to the natural lines. Rebranded.

So fucking, you like them, right? Yeah. You love good music and they're fucking great my question is why was it matt pond pa he was into matt uh magnum pi and he thought it was like a little inside joke with himself he also started his last band in pennsylvania sorry philadelphia i do that a lot and um so it was an isn't ph't Philadelphia in Pennsylvania? It is. I'm sorry, Pennsylvania. So I screwed up.

Now apologize or apologize. I'm sorry. I'm saying sorry. So it's that. It's a nod to Magnum BI and Pennsylvania. Do you want to introduce, do your viewers know who we are? Nikki's going to teach you how to host.

No, I'm not going to teach you how to host. No, I'm not going to teach you. But like step one, I know. They know who it is by looking at the thing that says Anya Marina. But like let's get some credits where credits do. So Anya Marina has like an interesting origin story. First of all, you didn't start

like actually singing and songwriting until a little bit later in your life where it was like you were a radio DJ in San Diego Diego forever no and then one day how's your DJ name Anya Hurricane Anya this is crazy Hurricane did you know that she was on the Howard Stern show no when she was like in her 20s how uh I was a radio nerd and I used to stay up and listen. This was when he was on terrestrial radio. I stayed up all night, one night. And then the phone, they answered the phone and I was trying to ring to get in.

And then Baba Booey answered. And he was like, what do you want to talk to Howard about? And the first thing I thought of was Fred Norris had just shared this story about having an au pair. And they were all horny over his au pair. And I was like, I want to be Howard's au pair. Cause Howard was like,

I want to know, you know how Howard goes like, well, I want to know pair. He said something like that. And so Anya was like, I want to be Howard's au pair. And they were like,

Oh really? Yeah. And then they patched me in directly. 10 minutes later, I'm on the air with Howard Stern. And he was like, so you want to be my au pair, huh?

What do you look like? And I was just like, I don't know. I'm blonde. I'm 20 years old. Oh my God. And then he was like so you want to be my au pair huh what do you look like and i was just like i don't know i'm blonde i'm 20 years old oh my god um and then he was like come down here myself as i and then he goes why don't you come down to the station i'm like i'm in california and he goes well next time you're in new york come to the station and then i told my parents i don't you know i was graduating from high school they were giving me I'm sorry from college and they were giving me money for a trip to Europe and I go I just want to use it to go

to New York and meet my radio idol and I was on the show it was one of the most replayed e-shows so she was on the e-show dude I used to watch that I have a little clip of it she has a clip of it I didn't know this about her until

I was friends with her for so long. Can you send it to Jordy and he'll pop it up? Yes, of course. I'm like, I'll give you my Wi-Fi because there's no service down there. That's okay. Yeah, I'll send it to you. Anyway, so I was on the show and then off air, he was so lovely. He didn't exploit me.

I mean, he did. I did lift up my dress at one point, but that was it. He was very, very funny and so nice and off the air he goes you're a natural you should pursue this because i told him i wanted to work for the radio station or for his show and he goes you're definitely a natural you should keep doing this and then i went into radio talking about your boobs yeah as i was you should have them on TV. And so, and so then, but then she, so Anya's big break was the Twilight soundtrack.

Do you know that? What? Yeah. Which was the biggest fucking. You were on the Twilight soundtrack? Yes, the song. And then she toured, she toured the nation with the cast of Twilight

and like went across the world. Like, cause it was, remember Twilight? It was like the biggest thing. So she is in the song. It's the funniest scene because they're they're in the describe the scene where your song plays very deliberately forever it's the scene where bella gets really depressed and it's in new moon she and edward are in her pickup truck and i told this story for years this way and then i just re-watched it and it's not what i thought i thought that she was depressed and she's in the truck with edward she turns on the radio it's my song

satellite heart playing i'm a satellite heart lost in the dark i'm spun out so far you stop i start she flips off the radio and goes and i I never listened. She literally cut it out. I thought I could have sworn that she said, and I didn't listen to music again for six months. I have thought that for the last eight years. And then I rewatched it recently. I was like, let me double check. And that does not happen.

So I made that up in my mind. Isn't it weird how we do that sometimes where you convince yourself something. It's a Mandela effect where you're like, I know that it happened that way. But now, right now I'm tripping out thinking i bet if i watch it again it is there like i right what does she say i don't know i think they just played it in the background i don't think she flipped on the radio i think it's like in the background slightly earlier before that you tricked yourself into her being like oh wow i bet this singer's got a real tight puss. Anyway, Edward, what do you have for lunch?

You do sound like you have a tight puss. Yeah, I do. Yeah, you do. I think it's normal. Because I made that joke to my boyfriend once. I was like, oh, it's so tight. And he didn't react the way I wanted to at all. And I was like, you could laugh.

How'd he react? He was just like, it's normal. He was like, it's normal. It's like echoes. it's normal he's like it's normal no i feel the same way i i recently realized that i've never been told i smell good like no one's ever hugged me and no just like in general like no one's ever been like you smell so good like it's maybe just stop it because then you're just going to go. I just shampooed. So maybe it smells okay. But I, it's a thing that you don't realize you're not getting till you hang out

with other girls and you hear them getting it all the time. And I've never been a girl and it's not that I smell bad. Cause I think that I would have had like people tell me that. Okay. Thank you. You don't have a smell. No, you smoke cigarettes. Yeah, I you. You don't have a smell. No, you smoke cigarettes. I do.

Yeah. Is that affecting my smell? No, when my boyfriend had COVID, it was awesome. Really? You can pull your cheeks apart. Just so many farts. It was awesome. Suicide rates went up with COVID.

How did we get here? You know why? I would think because people were isolated. They couldn't smell their partner's ass. Did it have something to do with smell, you think? No, I just... Yeah, they did go up. Do you get suicidal thoughts anymore?

No, I've been really good. That's good. What? Except for now. No, yeah, things have been good. Yeah, that's great. I don't know if you talk about those kinds of things on the show. I used to do my podcast at Sirius,

and sometimes I would bring up something, and you would just shut down. I'd be like, oh, I didn't mean to go in that cavern of your brain. Remember when Dr. Drew came in? Oh, my God. Holy shit. shut down i'd be like oh i didn't mean to go in that cavern of your brain remember dr drew came in oh my god holy shit that man opened up a door to my soul that i thought had been it was like we were tripping dmt china right now with covid we both heard he diagnosed us both as having i'm not gonna say emotional molestation no he said emotional incest which they've since changed that diagnosis it's like when your parents kind of don't like it happens a lot and i bet your listeners like it literally happens to almost anyone who's in has a divorce in their family or a parent is lost

at some point either emotionally or just neglect one parent will choose like the child and make the parent like whatever parent is missing. So like for me, it's like, I feel like my dad kind of made me his wife in terms of like how we talked about things. Like he would share things with me that's like, yeah, I was smart enough to handle it, but like I was too much for a kid.

And then you, and then of course you adapt to it because you're like, my dad's sharing this with me. So you kind of grow up and then you actually become capable of like handling those conversations. And then you become a good place for your dad to go and kind of like let off steam. And Dr. Drew just came in and was like, dump the words emotional incest. And he and I were both like, we really don't want that.

But they've since changed the word now. Not only dumped it. He was like, hi, Nikki, big fan of the show. Emotional incest. I see it in your eyes. And I was like, well, i just want to play my slide whistle yeah you stop it dr drew stop don't tell us our parents did something to us with the word incest in it and he also had me um because i told him that i didn't care if like my boyfriend hooked

up with other girls or whatever and he had me lock eyes with him and make eye contact and repeat after him i am enough i am enough on my show and it was like fucking robin williams i really love him though i love dr drew so much it helped me no he's not he's not he's i will say that that guy likes to be on tv but he's a he's a media whore both why can't someone be a good doctor and like to be on tv because he took a bunch of people that had addiction issues and was like let's exploit you instead of help you. No, he actually did help those people. He cared about those people. He stays in touch with those people. And also,

why can't we both be entertained and be exploiting? He calls Shifty Shellshock from Come My Lady, Come Come My Lady. What? That guy? I bet he does. He cares about his patients. He's a caring person. This is the thing about cancel culture when people get

canceled and then they apologize and people go um oh that person just wants their career back and it's like can it be both can't they be sorry and horrified about what they said and also want their career back like if so can't dr drew want to be on tv and want to be a celebrity just like us and also want to help people like can it be both? But I feel personally What is this? A cum reservoir? What is that? That comes up all the time. God bless you, man. Late lucky bug art for

making this, but dude, why'd you put a cum thing in there? It's great. It is the exact cum. Papa hungry. Papa hungry. and you're the only man and i hate to say this that has made like my particular used to have a joke about uh making people laugh he wanted he thinks like it got set in him to like become a comedian because he used to make a girl laugh and she would go mike stop you're gonna make me pee and it was like the closest he had ever gotten to like a

girl's like doing something to a girl's vagina and you are the one of the only people i think maybe the only person who has ever made multiple times made me pee laughing which i didn't think was really possible for me as someone who's like you know as a comedian you get a little bit like oh that's funny i like but like the other night it was embarrassing in front of my boyfriend to laugh as hard as i did at your text that you sent me i remember that what happened by the way he was not annoyed but i felt bad laughing so hard about something another man sent me you know what you're like and he's just because you've had girlfriends that they laugh hard another guy you're kind of like that's my thing yeah yeah but he didn't he didn't feel that way because he knows how much i love you in front of me fine i get it you wrote to me wait um i think i still have it because i sent it to

anya too it was it was a clip of a comedian who shall remain nameless. Oh, really? And it was something that Nikki did not like. And then Ian remember? And then Ian wrote back like instead of saying the thing you would expect, which was this is so hack and so bad. Yeah. He wrote. Do you remember? No. This was the most incredible thing I've

ever seen. I sent it to all my friends and family. Yeah. It's on my DMs. I want to read it because because ian ian one time i caught him like liking a post of someone that i go there's no way you think this person's funny he goes to be honest i didn't even watch his clip i just he was nice to me one night at the comedy cellar i thought he might like and i go will you watch it and let me know if you really co-sign on this it was so funny once i opened up my eyes and ears oh my god where did i was laughing so hard i couldn't but no you told me this was it this was it so i go

i said try to just get through this and i sent a clip right and you go i had to stop i had to stop it and then it was a part of the thing and share it with all he had i had to stop at blank like a part of the clip, like where this guy was talking. And then he wrote dot, dot, dot, and share it with all my friends and family. This guy is amazing. JK, it was terrible. And then he goes, can I read that part? Yeah. He wrote, I just left a man's apartment and the gayest thing I did all night was watch that. Even when I just left a man's apartment and the gayest thing I did all night was watch that. And then this was the part that I could not.

I was crying. And she said, wait, what the fuck, bro? You were on The Masked Singer? Holy shit. When that show first came out, I kept tweeting nonstop that hashtag, the pineapple raped me. In 2014 was a simpler time. But you, first of all, the words nonstop.

So you like, in 2014, the show came on, you saw the pineapple and you kept writing and then the fact that you wrote hashtag you literally didn't write the hashtag you wrote hashtag the pie that pineapple raped me i couldn't i was trying to reach to my boyfriend i couldn't get through it i was crying so hard but like but then i looked up the pineapple and it's the funniest picture it's the strongest man in a bow tie and a pineapple head that show came out i was like what the fuck is this show this is insane what is happening and i just kept going not cool nbc take this off the air the pineapple raped me hashtag pineapple rape

it's triggering i keep seeing the rape from the pineapple the pineapple raped me not the man the actual pineapple and now you give them a platform how dare you i was like waiting to do like a check spot at Stand Up New York. Oh, that's, that you were spending a bulk of your time tweeting that made me laugh so fucking hard. And just the idea that that pineapple, and it's the funniest character

to have rape you on that show. Oh my God, that was so funny. Hey everybody, it's your old pal Ian here hanging out in the Delaware den. And I just gotta say, I am excited about True Classic t-shirts. Support for today's episode comes from True Classic, the absolute best fitting t-shirts for men. Finding a comfy t-shirt is frustrating. Most t-shirts are too tight on your gut or look way too big.

You don't want to look like a fat little oinkin' piggy walking around, and you don't want to look like a little tiny guy in a big shirt that says, hand me down, because your family's too poor. That's why true classics just fit better. That's right. Men's t-shirts are designed to look good on skinny models. That's not gonna work for us guys. No, we ain't skinny models. We're fat little winky.

I think it's incredibly hard to find a good, comfy, fitting shirt, okay? Especially as a short guy, all right? If I get a medium, it's too tight on my little pig body and if i get a large i look like i'm swimming in it true classic t-shirts make you feel good because it doesn't show off your little belly bell bell and it makes you look like a fucking real shouldn't have said that bleep it out regular guy i like shirts that have kind of shorter sleeves so I can show off my cool tattoos. You know what I mean? I'm a fun guy.

Anyway, all the true classic gear is top-notch quality at reasonable prices. What more do you want? And for you big boys, they have long body options and sizes up to 3XL. If you like dressing like you're in the Matrix, get a long body fella. That's right. It's time you learn to dress like a gentleman. Upgrade your wardrobe with True Classic. Get 25% off at trueclassic.com with code SCA.

That's right. Code SCA. That's 25% off and free shipping. Can you believe that? Over $100. Free shipping with over $100. So make sure you get a lot of shirts with the code SKA at trueclassic.com.

Trueclassic.com, promo code SKA for 25% off and free shipping for an order over a hundred bucks. I don't have it right now and it gives me something to look forward to. So next time you see me, I'm gonna be in a true classic and I'm gonna be looking, what am I? have it right now and it gives me something to look forward to so next time you see me i'm going to be in a true classic and i'm going to be looking what am i classically non-traditionally handsome let's get back to the show how many times at the cellar have we just like been peeing laughing

dying and and that's why whenever you like you and i sometimes get in depression holes of like what am I even doing? And I'm always like, listen to me right now, you piece of shit. No, you don't trust anyone else. Trust me, because don't you? I always feel like I may not think I know sometimes I'm not funny. And I'm like, I know for a fact, like I've tricked people or imposter syndrome or whatever. But I no matter what, know that i know what's funny the only thing that i don't will never have a wavering confidence

in is that i know what's funny um and so i always am like adamant about giving you that because that's the thing i'm sure of is like if nothing else you have that yes no but i mean like and that's important. I lose everything. I'm under a bridge. I'm like, I'm funny. No, but I just feel like. You're sensitive and funny, which is the best combination.

I appreciate that. Also, like there are people that you just click with and like you're a person that I feel like I can be authentically silly with. And you're like very like like when people are giving with their laughter it makes you be yourself more and there's like people in my life that i'm like man i feel like we were like childhood friends yes you know yes i get that that vibe and that makes like i've really felt like i've been able to tap into like that kid i was it was silly and funny and like weird and then I would have to be friends with you yeah me too and he's back

he's back he's back baby yeah he's back conversion therapy didn't work yeah he's back from camp also you've been there in times that we really needed stuff too like there was a time Nikki had not kissed a guy in like a year or something and we were all sitting at the cell and she was like, it just sucks.

I haven't like been touched in so long. I haven't like even fucking kissed a guy in so long. And Ian's like, wait, you haven't been kissed? Nikki's like, no. And he's like, I'll kiss you right now. And then they just looked at each other and kissed. And she's like, oh, that was nice. And I got it on film.

I got it on film. Kiss a guy on the lips. Friends should kiss, not with tongues. It's like oh that was nice and I got it on film kiss a guy on the lips friends should kiss not with tongue just like yeah it was just a peck and it was so cute and it totally put a smile on her face it did it made me so happy there's just some friends you can be like guy

friends that you can be affectionate with that you know aren't going to be like no I like her so nice when whenever because she's a dead dad too whenever we talk about our dead dads we put our heads together like a comfort thing yeah but you do that with a guy and

he'll hit you come here mark I'm going through it touch my head come on man please you probably get pretty affectionate with friends uh girlfriends yeah i mean i get i have like affectionate sensitive talks with guys but not like physical yes it's funny because i can't do that with guys i've had sex with weird wait what do you mean friends with them no i can't like't. Like, I can have, like, like, I love, I'm a, I'm a big hugger.

Like, I hug my friends. I embrace my friends. I want to tell them I love them and share. Like, I never want to go and not tell someone that they mean something to me. And I can have that emotional connection with friends. But a guy that I've, like, had sex with, I'm like, ugh, get away. What about before? What?

Before you guys have sex, is there any kind of cuddling or is it just kind of get right to it? No, it's just like, you know, I as black as wing of crow. What? Are these men different from the men you seek out for friendship? Like,

personality-wise, what are they like? I don't really have many bros and friends that are black dancers. Oh, that's your type. Yes. Yeah, that are in a dance troupe. I wonder what that is. I mean, obviously it's something.

Wait, so that's your type that you want to hook up with? Yeah. Okay, but maybe they want to talk about some centers. No, that guy I hooked up with the other night, actually it was a it was a it was real progress for me because usually afterwards i go to a shame spiral and i want to take a bath and fire and uh i did it we laid there and just talked and hung out nice fine and i left and was like whatever so do you always um so that's one of the first times you haven't done the same spiral

knowing that you're gonna it's almost like drinking like you know you're gonna be hung over tomorrow but you're like maybe this time it won't do you gotta go into it thinking maybe i won't have the shame or do you oh it's always just worth it anything sexual it's like that like i'll jerk off and be like i'll feel better and then afterwards i'm like so do you still watch a ton of, because we were talking about porn, you and I, like maybe a year and a half or so ago. I've been trying not to.

Yeah. It's a hard habit to break, but does it affect, do you think it affects your relationships? Well, not in a relationship now. And I think that's why I didn't have like guilt or shame or anything, because it was like not a thing that was like bad. And because you still yearn to do that in or you have yearn to do it sometimes in a

relationship. Sometimes. Yeah. But even pornography, like I'll I'm finding that like all my sex stuff and porn is like just a distraction. Like when I have something important to do, I seek that out instead of doing what I need to do. Yes.

You know? And so like it's so true. That is what I'm finding. So then when I recognize that and go, okay, you're using it as a distraction, but when I use it as something is like, Oh, I just want to do this. I'm I've got all my little things done. I have time, you know, go out and. Yeah.

It sucks when it's over. Cause you're like, I usually, yeah. I usually grab porn at the end of the day when it's like, I've already brushed my teeth. I can't eat again. I don't have any pot. I'm not doing that. I can't go. I don't want to clean my room. And it's usually like putting off some work or sleep because what does sleep mean? If I fall asleep tomorrow, it means a new day starts and it's, I have to get through the day. So it's like, I'm putting off going to bed. The activity is sleeping and I'm putting it off because like, I love sleep, but I like sleep in the afternoon. I like sleep during the day. Sleep at night means

when I wake up, it's going to be a morning sleeping in your jeans. Really? Why? Because it means like wearing this for four days. What, why the sleep? Cause it means like I've been wearing this for four days Why the sleeping Because it means you're not surrendering to the night Maybe I don't know And you don't keep normal hours What about like Any kind of germ phobia About like I sat on the subway in these jeans

And now they're in my Women care about that I don't I've never cared about that I wish I was a woman who did. They get so mad. Well, you made us take our shoes off when we came in. You made us take our shoes off immediately. Well, the slippers are a nice thing.

No. People. They are? Are they? Well, here's the thing. We kicked them off immediately. I take my shoes off. Right.

And wear slippers in the house. Because. Except for these ingrates. But I will wear. But let's work through this. Clothes on bed. Yeah. Clothes on bed.

I'll see more on. I do too. Or slippers on feet. If I can't see the germ, if I can't see, if it's like a shit smear or like, like something I drop on the ground actively falls into what I see as dirt, I don't care. And people go, but people walk on the ground and then they walk in a bathroom

and there's shit on the, and I'm like, but I can't see it. You know what? Or smell it. So I don't care. My mom was so over the top with like clean. And so that makes me. So that's why you like jeans in bed.

It's an act of rebellion. Yeah. My life is an act of rebellion. My. My life is an act of rebellion. I think my germ thing isn't an act of rebellion. It's just, I wish I were a girl who was like, Oh, I can't eat that.

It fell on the ground. Like, or it fell on the table. Like if something falls off my plate, I will put it back on my germs are good. I know that they say that, but yeah, germs are good.

I'll say it again. I don't germs are good. I say it again Germs are good I don't get sick ever Physically sick But you get sick though Because you smoke Well I get sick every year around January And eat ass yeah

I remember every time you got sick You're like I ate ass last weekend So it serves me right Food poisoning Yeah yeah yeah Ass poisoning Yeah It was like every other week Oh did you eat bad pork? No she did That serves me right. Food poisoning. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ass poisoning. Yeah.

It was like every other week. Oh, did you eat bad pork? No, she did. E.coli. E.coli. E.coli. Man. Yeah. Do you still eat ass?

Oh, yeah. Really? But that's not something you do on a, or is it something you do on a random hookup? I don't do it with a man. Okay. I don't like that. Got burned one too many times.

Yeah. Tori, I'm looking at you. Tori! Yeah. Yeah. And, yeah, so I don't do that with the fellas. Before that, before you got burned, were you trusting, like, if someone accepts it,

then they've probably cleaned themselves adequately? I'm very, like, were you trusting, like, if someone accepts it, then they've probably cleaned themselves adequately? I'm very, like, I won't, like, if I'm really into you, it's like, run the New York Marathon and then just, you know, let's super glue it to my face. Right, right. Yeah. I'm going to wear your ass like a Santa Claus beard, you know? There's something that you like about it. Pheromones. I like smells. I like when I'm into someone, I like their, like about it. Pheromones. I like smells.

I like when I'm into someone, I like their like smells and like their armpits and stuff. And you like getting dirty. You like getting... Yeah, but not with guys though. A guy's got to be pristine, clean, like a hairless little dolphin.

Oh. Wow. Yeah. Okay. And then my pussy usually tastes like dolphin. As dolphin smells. Chicken to the seaward. Yeah.

Like an abandoned sea world. Yeah smells chicken to the sea word like an abandoned sea world yeah chicken up the sea world um that's interesting that's with this i mean i'm sure you've explored it before but i mean what, what the hell? It's all shame based, right? What? Of just like the dude stuff. You can't. It has to be. Well, no, dude.

I'm specifically remembering right now the very first time I ever ate ass. I went to this guy's house after soccer practice and I saw it in a porno and I was like, and I was like, are you cold like, uh, are you cold? A little bit. You want the blanket? No. You sure? Yeah,

I'm good. Okay. I just want my slippers on. Thank you. You say the word. Okay. Also in the other pocket of the vest, there's a whole new pack.

Do you mind? Thank you. I appreciate it. Some more cigarettes. Thank you. Thank you. I know. You do make it look good.

I know. I know. You know, anyway, where was I? Oh, eating a man's ass. You make it look good. I know. I know. You know. Anyway, where was I? Oh, eating a man's ass. Eating a man's ass. You specifically remember you. Because who ate ass in high school?

This guy. Oh, my God. You did too? You did too? Ethan, I love you. You ate ass in high school? Really? But see, he's new.

He's a young guy. That's the new age thing. They're all eating ass. Not me. And school lunch programs have improved so much in recent years. So you ate ass. Did you learn it from porn too, I'm guessing? Yeah.

Yeah, I think I learned it from porn. You had to learn. It's not a natural thing. It's not like a cat knowing to go to a litter box. You gotta learn about it. Was she like, what? Or was she like, oh. No.

Yeah, it was enjoyable for everybody involved, I believe. I just remember the first time I heard about it was in high school from a high school student

who had done it. And I just remember being like, you, like, that was so beyond anything I could ever imagine anyone do. Like,

eating ass, like, it just, it just, I couldn't believe it was, I've never heard of anything so insane in my life as the first time I heard that. I just, I remember where I was, Mr. Booth's geometry class. We were waiting. So we were waiting for the bell and we were standing by the door and Matt Levy said his brother ate someone's ass. And I was just like, I just,

I didn't know because they also eating ass. It sounds like you're actively swallowing and chewing and like consuming and not just like lick licking ass. Also that. But I mean, it's a but it's where poop comes from. So it's it's insane. And then but high schoolers, they're not the cleanest. Yeah. Why is everything so much hotter from behind, though? You know, when you hear like he ate me out from behind.

Yeah. Suck my dick from the back yeah because it's almost like they don't respect they're like turn around i don't want to see your face like i just want your fucking pussy like it's like it's the best it's kind of there's that um detachment or there's a thing that i guess for me i want sometimes of where the guy's just like i don't i don't respect like you want to be a little bit disrespected sometimes and also for the guy it's the furthest away you can be from the girl's mouth. And they're always yammering.

Yeah. These bitches. They're either shopping or talking. Do you ever say good girl? Guys, manscaped. Sponsor. Do you ever say good girl? So to all the listeners, I just think it's like the best

i bet you have them um the best thing is like when because i think porn makes guys think that girls want to be like called like a dumb slut or choked and stuff and there is that and but like there's a lot more abuse in porn i think the perfect uh note to hit in bed is to be like treat her like a whore make her feel like wow you're such a whore but like you're impressed by it like you're like wow like oh my good girl good girl like that is good like wow you are a better whore than any of the whores like you get a sticker yeah honestly yes because we i think girls we still want to feel like we still have that thing from like yeah from childhood of like, you're good.

Like you got a sticker. You got an A. You can take this home and hang this on the fridge. Yeah. And your parents will be proud of you. Have you ever heard of a cum walk? No. What is that?

It's when you get your face cummed on and then you walk out in public. Did you just make it up? Cum walk for cancer. You get your face cummed on and then you walk in public yeah with it yeah oh that's it and and it's just like to be like i'm a whore and like yeah that's kind of interesting i know i think i've done something like that of like i've just had been like you don't get to wash your face today you have to like go to work like that to a boyfriend i feel like it's gonna be in your beard you know like your beard's gonna smell like pussy all day long oh yeah that's name for that there should be yeah good time

yeah no i like that um what you mccall it uh yeah the dude that well it's i feel like everybody's eating ass now and thinking that that's feel like everybody's eating ass now and thinking that that's what sex is. And eating ass is like something you should eventually do. But the first time is like a high schooler. You shouldn't be, you know, like I bet high schoolers don't even, like fingering's no big deal to them. It should be.

Fingering just never goes out of style. Dude, we heard this kid fingered a girl and he called her alf because she was so hairy oh god this fourth thing she had a head injury she didn't know oh god she ate cats um wait a second that is from snarf thing is that like one guy has like she probably had a normal amount of pubic hair but because it's like just, he felt hair down there and he probably not seen hair on porn that it's like she was so hairy. And then she becomes out forever and still is to this day.

I just went to my 20 year reunion and there were still things about people that I'm like, you'll always, it doesn't matter what you do in life. You'll always be the girl who threw up on a guy because you blew him. Wow. You know, like you'll always be the girl. And I remember thinking bad about her because she threw up.

Like how embarrassing. But wasn't that a made up story or did that really happen? No, that really happened. She blew a guy and like probably just gagged, like which happens and threw up. And now that's like hot or whatever. In parts of Europe, yes. Yeah, that's like hot or whatever. And that's parts of Europe. Yeah. That's I mean, have you been to Berlin? When you're out of lube and you have dry mouth,

what else do you have except stomach bile? And so, um, so I think that like, but it, it never occurred to me to go, Oh, he maybe choked her with his dick and like held her face on too long. And then what choice did she have it was like why i'm the victim and then that that is still what i think of when i hear her name well there was a girl a rumor about this girl that she ate m&ms out of this guy's ass in high school and everyone's like she's a whore and i'm like wait even then i was like wait wait wait wait wait wait why is she the word? And he's not the fucking weirdo. And it's like, Hey,

uh, instead of a handjob, why don't you, why don't you put a peanut M and M in my ass and eat it out? You know? Yeah. What's the hottest girl thing a girl can say in bed to you? Um,

I won't tell anyone. Uh, I don't know. Not because of what you did, but because I'm embarrassed to have done this with you. Don't worry. I'm not telling my friends. Don't worry. I'll tell them it's big.

No, I don't know. Like the way the good girl can just like, honestly, that can just bring about something downstairs that you, it just makes you tingle thinking about it just makes you want the political answer or do you want like the real as if cameras weren't here answer

yeah mommy yeah mommy she says mommy she says come for mommy oh come for mommy like she's mommy that's it like we I love I love when guys like do you're gonna do that She says, come for mommy. Oh, come for mommy. Like, she's mommy. She is mommy.

Dude, that's it. Like, I love when guys are like, are you going to do that for your daddy? And it has nothing to do with my dad anymore. Because I was- Yeah. I've gone through enough hypnotherapy that- Blow the horn.

Oh, that was great. No, it's, you know, I really don't think I've gone through enough hypnotherapy that we- Blow the horn! Oh, that was great. No, it's, you know, I really don't think I've, I used to feel so gross about that or about wanting even a guy to be like good girl because it sounds so paternal or paternal. It doesn't. I don't want my dad to fuck me. I know that.

I don't need to like question that or go like is it really like I know that it's okay so if I want to hear a guy say daddy I don't know what it means but it's I'm not doing anything wrong so now I kind of I yes but mommy's interesting I'm gonna start maybe saying mommy yeah do it try it see how it goes next so wait you said the word boyfriend I didn't know yeah you guys You guys, yes. Yes, you know. Yes, yes, yes, yes. We've been off and on for nine years and we're on right now,

so we'll be off soon. That's my joke. That's real. No, off and on and off and on. It's great. It's actually great. It's good now? Yeah, it's really good.

It's, yeah, because we took a really long break where we thought it was like over forever because we've been off and on for so long. We got back together during covid and then and we were just like casually dating and then we were just hanging out as friends. And then I read that book, you know, that book that I got all my friends to read about getting to. I do and says, like, don't have sex with someone if you want to actually be with them. And I didn't even want to be with him. I just didn't want to catch feelings for him. So I was like, we can hook up, but like no sex because I don't want to be with you. I'll fall in love with you if I have sex. And then by not having sex, we actually did fall in love and it's great. He's awesome. Yeah. I'm

very happy. And like, and i think that getting back in together i just can't believe everyone doesn't do it a million times like when people are like yeah we broke up i go you'll get back together they go no we won't it's over i go no you will they go what are you talking i'm like you always get back together yeah i i like that we have because it always it does i don't like goodbyes i don't like moving out of places i don't like you know changing schools i'd never liked goodbyes. I don't like moving out of places. I don't like, you know, changing schools. I'd never liked goodbyes. So it's kind of nice.

Been here since 2007. Yeah. And I'll never leave. That's the hardest thing about a breakup is like, it makes you think of death, I think, because you go, I'll never be with this person again. And I think it's not so much about I'll miss them. It's like, wow, this is, this is a tiny death.

And instead of grieving, I'm always just like, oh, I'll see them again. Like, I'll come back to this place. And I just have that faith. And we have. And it's great. Even when I've been like, sure, it is not going to go back together. And we've dated other people along the way. And so.

But you always stayed in contact, right? No, we were out of contact for a really long time. Really? Mm-hmm. And then we both moved back to st louis during covid and we're living with our parents and then we just started hanging out as friends and then we watched the show what's that show um about the irish guy and girl and sally rooney wrote the book oh conversations with friends the other one people normal people and we

were watching that it's about a couple that gets back and forth together and we were like watching our life but we were just friends and i would try to seduce him because it was during covid i was living with my parents i was like let's just hook up again you know like and he kind of knew like what was like your seduction move i would um he would be leaving and then i would take off my top and i go chris wait you forgot something and then he would turn around and i would just be topless that's really good wait you forgot something and then he would turn around and i would just be topless that's really good like stuff like that she's very subtle and yeah i would always try to be like funny about it no he would just he'd lift up your brood be like no nothing there all right we would hug and i would just go like try to do it and he'd be like we just can't like it's because he knew that i would catch

feelings because we had done this before of like, we'll be friends at hookup and I always would fall back in love. And he would be like, I thought we determined we didn't want that. So he had good boundaries. And then eventually I fell in love with someone else. And then that fell through. And then after I went through that, I was like,

oh, I know what I want in a relationship. It's more like what I just had that didn't work out. Chris, my ex-boyfriend, I was like, I know you can't give me what I want. I'm sure of it. I don't even want to be with you in that way. So let's hook up again. We just can't have sex.

And I feel safe doing that. I'm not going to fall back in love with you because I know I don't want it. Did you guys have sex? No, we didn't. We did everything except that for a really long time. And it was Mormon as fuck. And we had fucked a million times.

I mean, we'd been together for nine years. He just put his penis in you and Anya shook him back and forth. She jumped on the bed. This is safer. It was so hot. I mean, if you want to fall in love with someone, take penis and vagina sex out of it.

We had everything else, like literally everything else. Anal? Yeah, but we didn't. You did anal, but no. Yeah. But no, he could put dildos and stuff. This is Nikki's own plan. he doesn't really like me talking about this so i don't want to go into too much detail but like i really think that if you take out penis and vagina a lot of detail my my point is is that i told him and i really meant this my vagina for a penis to go in it that guy has to be like husband material and you're just

there's no offense to you like you don't even want to be funny because that's how girls usually feel about the butt my butt i mean i don't let anyone in there like he's like someone i really trust and like it is really good at that so like i but yeah that's and it really worked because we because we become like oh my god i want it so bad like i thought i wanted that and And then I got a PS5 and I was like, no, I think I'm fine with that. Wait, what? You wanted what? Like love? Relationship?

Yeah, I know. What do you play? Ooh, Ghostbusters and it stinks. And this game called like Sniper Contract. And it's so repetitive. I just shoot people in the head over and over. Like a hobby like that? My new hobby is shooting guns.

Really? I love it. I think I've seen you doing that. Do you own one though? On the street? Okay, that's good. I just enjoy it. It's like an activity to do on the road and like find a place.

I don't want you having any kind of hobby with a gun. Why? I just can already see like a text from someone like, did you hear about Ian? Oh, Jesus, Anya. What the fuck? You just went to a different planet right there. What the fuck just happened? What do you think I'm going to do with a gun?

I mean, lucky for you, I'm too mentally ill to legally own one. So you think I know. That's comforting. No, I like that you have A new hobby though So you go to gun ranges Like on the road What does it make you feel like

It's just What do you like it And do you always Have an interest in it Or does this one time You just did it I've shot guns Throughout my life

And friends of mine did And they were like Really into them And then I just Didn't really care And then It's just a fun activity To mark your progress

With like Like when you shoot a lot goes into it like you know with like your breathing and your focus and your grip and then like you see like okay i'm off what did i do wrong let me adjust and so then like to have these little goals like okay i'm gonna get it here there there you know it's like and then you try out different little guns delaware yeah they shoot there right yeah. So it's kind of part of growing up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And like in, in Jersey, I'll go to my best friend's house and we'll shoot like pumpkins and stuff. And I don't know, it's like just a fun thing. And, uh, you know, trying out different guns and you know, like the whole process, I don't know, it's enjoyable. And going with like friends is fun. Me and Attell, we always go to gun ranges.

Oh really? Attell likes it too? Yeah. Oh, that's cute. It's really fun. Yeah. Yeah. It's like an activity. Did you get him into it?

He had shot before, but it's like something that we really like started to do together. So we'll always go to like a gun range. Yeah, Nikki and I just do mani-pedis and foot rubs. That's our only. You should try shooting a gun. I'm telling you, like everyone that says that they like, I don't like guns, da da da. They shoot one of the, actually, it's kind of cool. I bet I would like it.

No, I would. Yeah. I did it once and I was like, I'm good. This is terrifying. But I really don't like loud noises. And I really, really. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Listen to Taylor Swift. Oh, dude, I'll go and I'll put music on my little thing and then put the headphones on. It's pretty cool. Yeah. And I shoot to the beat. Yeah. It's the same reason I don't like being on like in high buildings. Like I don't trust myself not to

jump, you know, like it's that thing of like, I don't trust myself to like not put this at my head. Not that I would ever do that, but I've just thought of doing it so many times that it might just like, I don't know. I just don't trust my brain. You should do it to then show that you won't do it so that you feel better. I know that I wouldn't because I wouldn't go to a gun range if I was feeling like that way.

I'd probably be like in a good mood. But like, I don't know. I just think it's. Yeah, I once went to a psychiatrist and I was talking about like my suicidal thoughts. And they were she was like, did you think of like how you would do it? And I was like, oh, yeah, like a gun. And she was like, really? She was like, only men do it that way because it's such a violent way to go.

Women usually do. And I was like, I men do it that way. Cause it's such a violent way to go. Women usually do. And I was like, I kind of felt cool. I was like, I'm like a dude. She's like, well, this is, no, this is a problem. They want to splatter. I'm like, well, I will say, and, and just, you know, if you are going to do it, don't do it in the mouth because sometimes people move and blow your face off. You think I don't know. But I would never do it unless the apocalypse was happening. If there was going to be a super volcano that was erupting, that's when I think I would kill myself. Really? Yeah. So you'd be a 9-11 jumper.

Yeah, you jump. You don't burn in the building. Yeah, that's a better death than... Yeah, don't you think? Inhaling ash and choking on volcanic ash. I would try to get through it exactly well good luck i i would yeah well the yeah i don't know i just think i would be what that's the only thing i could see

myself i'd die trying yeah just i would try to go to sweden and have it done then it would be like no you don't have time to like get these paperwork done to do it peacefully you know when they could do end of life stuff oh yeah you can go to canada and do that oh really yeah this is too there dude there's a movie that will make you sob and sob and sob it's called how to die in oregon and it's a assisted suicide holy fuck when you're living in a halfway house and you're almost there don't watch it okay jesus christ don't watch the bridge either um oh yeah oh the bridge is fucked up those people that lived and they're like yeah you know it turns out i made a mistake yeah the second you let your foot goes off the bridge they go no no why did i do this

and maybe that's just like the human response of like i want to live like you're you know kind of yeah maybe it's physiological i would never jump off a bridge because I don't want to die with broken bones drowning and sharks biting me. I would jump off and shoot myself. Well, there you go. There's, you're. Yeah, but wouldn't it be hard

to shoot a gun with all the wind? What? Wouldn't it be hard to shoot a gun with all that wind coming at you? No, no, no, because you go, you go. I have to say there is a hotline for people to call since we're talking about it it's 988 is the number to call it's not a long number anymore yeah they

changed it because people were oh didn't the comic make a joke about it and then they changed it they should have changed it the number was too long and people were trying to call and being like i don't remember i'm such a fucking idiot so it's 988 please tell anyone yeah it's like like 911 but it's 988 and there will always no matter how like sad you are there's always someone any time of day that will listen to you kill yourself let's call home right now no call right now no seriously you got to say that when you talk about suicide please do not do it we're all i'm only talking about suicidal thoughts because i think that sometimes people feel like they hate themselves because of their suicidal thoughts. So like maybe their life is not that bad or maybe their life is really bad.

Or they like, sometimes you want to kill yourself because you're like, I'm such an idiot that I have suicidal thoughts. So you're not alone with your suicidal thoughts. It's actually a very human response to life and people like me have it ever. Like people. It's a permanent solution to it but the thoughts are not it doesn't mean anything it doesn't mean you have to do it it's just a thought like we have unwanted i have disgusting dark thoughts and it doesn't make you a bad person it doesn't mean

that's your fate in life it doesn't mean um but like i think something i always felt like i can't talk about suicidal thoughts i can't i talk about them all the time now because I realize so many people have them. Well, it's tough. No one talks about them. When you talk about it on a public platform, it is helpful. So people know that they're not alone. But at the same time, it does open you up to have people like contact you with their things, which happens.

Yeah. And I always just go 988, man, or like, or thank you for sharing with me. Like I'm not gonna be able to save you, but you're right. Like when you share too much, people do come at you and then you feel like you have to like, I feel them, but there's,

that's what, you know, there's anonymous programs for anything you could be struggling with. And it's, we're not the solution that we need. No, no. Cause if,

if that does happen, you'll make me want to kill myself. But it's, I always thought it would be like, if I admitted I wanted to kill myself sometimes, like I would say a couple of times a month, like I struggle during the day or like, you know, I just have these thoughts on, you just heard the brunt of it a million times.

And it's like, I always felt like if I shared that no one would want to work with me because I'm a liability. I, I, no one's going to cast me in something. I could kill myself, even though that would be really good for ratings for whatever show that is. So book me. The Masked Singer, you take your mask off, you just slice.

Yeah, it's like, I don't know. No one really. The truth is, Hollywood does not care. They'll know that you could be on the brink of death. And if you're going to make them money, they'll still put you in something. Yeah. And, um,

and it's much more relatable than we all think because yeah, it's just, I think it's a human condition to like your, your brain goes to discuss like, yeah, but also with the internet, it makes things seem like it's, you know,

so real and forever. And like, especially with like, you know, bullying and things will come out online and it's like, Oh my God, I can't escape this. It's like, you just, bullying and things will come out online. It's like, oh my God, I can't escape this. It's like, you just hold on and it will go away.

Yes. You just have to hold on. I know. Don't quit before the miracle happens. Yeah. And it sometimes takes a little bit of time. You know, sometimes you need some medication to help you out. Sometimes you need to go talk to someone, you know?

Sometimes you do need help. Manscaped. And that's why the people have manscaped karen karen v hand years ago her and michael fox had a podcast called shame on and they called the suicide hot line on the show with me and only read them my tweets that's so good it was incredible that's gotta be a felony to like take up an operation it was a crime how funny it was I just love the person that's on a bridge

and getting busy signals because your fucking mass singer raped me I was raped by the pineapple the pineapple raped me the pineapple raped me oh god do outline, the pineapple raped me. Oh, God. Do you have any, would you ever go on one of those shows?

Do you have any dreams of doing, would you do a Dancing with the Stars? Would you do a Masked Singer? What are your career aspirations? Let's go around the room. He would be on Big Brother. What's your dream? What is Big Brother? Remember the best question ever that you asked?

We have a girls chat with all my girlfriends. And Anya asked the best question one day that she said and we should all think about this if your phone could ring and within reason okay like it can't be just like a supernatural thing happening someone is on the other line my father exactly if if you could get a call right now about anything it could be about anything what would it be in your wildest dreams? All right. He's like, I'm alive. In your dad's. That would be like really disturbing if your dad. In the wildest dreams.

Yeah, it's like, hi, Lauren Michaels. Oh, it would be my agent being like, hey, we got your role in the new Ghostbusters. You don't have to audition. We already. The new, so the new Ghostbusters. We got an offer. And what is the role?

It's a lead. What role did you get? The role is there's ghosts taking over and the Ghostbusters are ghost busting them and then they see me and they're like, that guy seems like a cool dude. Join us. You need to be in a Ghostbusters movie.

Yeah, yeah. You literally have dressed for the role your entire life. I know. You're stuck as a guy in the professional Ghostbuster. Yes. I know. It's a problem. Who's producing it? Who's producing this?

Yeah. If you're listening or watching. Jason Reitman, I think, is directing. I know Jason Reitman. Do you? I do. I do know him. Okay.

I really do. Here we go. We're speaking it into action. Really? Yeah. How? know him okay i really do we're speaking it into yeah um he i once forget how someone invited me over to his i went with someone to his house he is uh he's sunday night movie nights and he has like a theater in his house and he just screens cool movies new movies or old movies and i'm on

the email list that i got put on after i went because i had a i had a good showing apparently and um and so i get invited. I'll bring you sometime. I haven't been back so come to LA some Sunday. Oh my god. February 19th. I'm headlining the Hollywood Improv. I will be there. Let's make a Sunday happen.

Dude, what do I got? But see, I don't want to be too thirsty. You're not too thirsty. You're just a cool, fun guy. Like a Ghostbuster light suit. Wear your nap jeans. That's a good dream. Should I say like Ghostbuster quotes to him to like give him a hand?

He'll be like, hi, I'm Jason. I'll be like, who are you going to call? Yes, I think you should because I found that no matter how famous someone is, they do want to hear about their stuff. They do want, you think, oh, you've heard everything. Like you don't need any praise. Like no amount of faith.

Maybe Obama, I'm looking at his face. Like maybe he doesn't need to hear your whole. Oh, my Obama dollar. Yeah, but like, I feel like every, I always say to people when they're like nervous about saying hi to me or asking for a picture like which rarely happens but sometimes you're like I didn't want to bug you or they write me on Instagram like I saw

you at the gym but I'm like this is why I do this I want people to bug me and be like I like your work or whatever so always say something people get like wigged out and they're like I just want to be a person like don't treat me like a lot but there. No, get a selfie. But there's a difference between like.

You've probably seen a lot of his films and you can tell him which ones you love. Oh, he would love it. And what you liked about them, which I'm sure he doesn't get enough of. Like specific things. It doesn't matter if you. Well, get to work. We got February 18th. You got some time.

Let's start with. Dude, I would be so cool in that movie. Oh my God. You really would be. really also here's another what if he put me in the movie and they they are all kids and i go up to them and i'm like you guys busting ghosts they're like get away from that pedophile that's my role in the movie you're gonna do this is we gotta get you this we'll present it as a make-a-wish too ah okay yes yeah i'll live die someday. I have cancer. The shooting ranges, we know

where this is all headed. I tried to get handicapped seats at the movie theater the other day by limping. Oh my god. Piece of shit. No one was sitting in them. Why? I know, no one's ever in them.

They're never in them. They gotta be used. Because they're in wheelchairs, so why would they sit in the I guess, right? I don't know, but I was like, can I sit in the handicapped chair? My leg. You're always handicapped. Oh, excuse me. Excuse me. I am

reverse Benjamin Button. That's so funny. My Ghostbusters would be lucky to have you. That's the thing to remember if you do meet sorry when Jason Reitman just remember they'd be lucky to have you you're very talented you already have acting

credits you're so funny who wouldn't want to watch Ghostbusters with Ian Fidance in it what would my role in it be you have to dream it up I get kicked out of the firehouse because I won't stop sliding up and down the pole. This is really good, guys.

Is there a Dalmatian at the firehouse? You can do the voice of? I could see you as a janitor. What the fuck, Anya? Like not in the movie, just on on set we'll get you on set I would be the janitor if I'm mopping and the school's on and I go there's something strange in this neighborhood

my line the first the opening scene sweeping the street and you smell the air but don't they do something isn't there some goo? Like, you should be the guy that makes the goo. That cleans up the goo. Listen, smell something?

Cleaning up things. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you come in and you sweep it up goo. Yeah, but then I get kicked out because they're like, okay, improvise. And I'm like, whoa, what? Someone have a bukkake in here? You guys are children. It's another one of the kids Ghostbuster movies.

No thank you. Did you see it? It was fun. I've never seen the original Ghostbusters, but I saw that one. Shut up. I know. I know. I'm so embarrassed. Doors are locked. Turn it on, Geordi. We're watching it. Yes!

I could see it as a scientist, like a Gene Wilder type. Like you should have a bigger role. You want to get residuals from this work. Yes. The electric current. That's it. The electric current's just off the charts. Yeah.

Oh, my God. Look at him. You look amazing. Yeah. Yes, this is it. No baseball cap. That's your role. I mean, the valence meter is out of control.

I haven't seen anything like this. Hold on. I've got to call the governor. Doctor, what does this mean? There's something strange in the neighborhood. Who are we going to call? Hello? Hello?

Sound the ghost alarm Wait why are you kicking me off set Jason said I could Jason said I could Jason I'll see you movie night You guys are the best Thank you for doing this I really appreciate it

I love you so much I love you Anya thank you for doing this you guys are sweethearts do you want to plug anything yeah I have a charger that I no oh god I have a podcast called the Nikki Glaser podcast it's once a week now sometimes it's

more than that I have a tour I'm on right now that nikki glazer.com and i think that's it yeah yeah i'm on tour nikki and if you want some fresh musical tracks head over to my patreon at patreon.com slash anya marina and it always always helps to buy any of my music i don't think people understand how fucking talented Anya is. I think sometimes people just go, oh, she's funny. She probably isn't that good at music. It's insane how, like, just go to Spotify and pull

up This Is Anya Marina or whatever the playlist is and get blown away. What was the song that you had that I wrote the treatment for for that music video? Oh, Over You? Yes! David Duchovny was going to be in it. I know!

And everyone had David Duchovny masks. It was totally not economically viable for the plan I had. That was a great idea. I recommend The Last Word for songs of Anya's, Queen of the Night, whatever you like.

It's a T.I. cover that is one of the hottest songs ever. Oh, yeah. I had heard of that. I had heard that song before I met you. That's the song I had heard too. I was obsessed with it. A prostitute I met in Tampa and became friends with. I'm going to Tampa in January. I don't know if she's still working.

It was literally so long ago I don't know that you'd be into it. And she's not in a dance troupe. She's not a Jabberwocky? Don't call me that. Anyway, Anya Marina, check her out.

Yes. Thank you, Ian. We love you. We love you so much. Patreon.com slash B&E and Pod. Man, I'm all over Denver Comedy Works. Look at this shirt. Yeah, look at that. Get some merch. B&E and Pod merch dot big cartel dot com. I'm obsessed. Look at this shirt. Yeah. Look at that. Get some merch. Beanie and pod merch dot big cartel.

I love the shirt. Get it. Wear it. Wash it. Put it on your sleep jeans. I don't know. All right. Have a good one.

Bye. Woo!