Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 028: Chrissy Carpenter W/ Chris Distefano

Episode Date: February 8, 2023

Thanks for listening! Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content! https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod  Follow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjense... See Jordan Live!: https://www.jordanjensencomedy.com/up... Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live!: http://www.ianfidance.com/calendar Follow Chris Distefano on Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/chrisdcomedy/ See Chris Live!: https://chrisdcomedy.com Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced by: Jordan Hayman  Produced/Edited by: Ethan Dupree https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian

Being Ian Life is. When you're being Ian, being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a life. Being Ian, being Ian. With Jordan.

With Jordan. Call him the truffle pig. He's a truffle pig. He is a truffle pig. He's a truffle pig because he just goes around in little bags of money. But they're truffles. And then he Zoom calls you. Oh, are we on? He Zoom calls you from his house in fucking Patagonia.

Yeah, Nantucket. This is all on, right? Are we recording? And he's like, hey, how you holding up in the pandemic? You're like, just cans of tuna i know when we had a talk about like hey guys yeah yeah yeah yeah b and e and with jordan and our nice guests oh we got the autism sweater yes dude uh-oh Chris. Yes, I like that you told us that you were intermittent fasting, and it looks good, but you look like you've intermittent fasted to the 1970s.

Thank you. You look like a young retarded boy from the 1970s. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. And I love velvet couches. Let me tell you something real quick.

Do you start the show like that? That's not a Vuvuzela. It's a shofar. A shofar. So here's how much times have changed. Go ahead. Because I wouldn't. Yes.

Because I, of course, would never do this now. But like 10 years ago, when I was living with my boys, one of my friends, you know, bachelor guy, married now, but back then bachelor guy would have sex with like a ton of girls. Like there were always different girls coming in. And we used to do this thing where every time like it was the morning and like we heard like a girl leaving, he would text and he would be like, hit it. And we would blow that voodoo bell up as she was walking out. And like she never knew, the girl never knew,

except one who came back. Because most of the times it was just like one, like a pump and dump. Like they would have sex and then they wouldn't talk anymore or whatever. And then one girl like came like in two separate times. And then her friend who they didn't know, knew each other came two separate times

and both heard that Vuvuzela thing or that horn thing and got fucking pissed at him they're like is this what you do really and we and they're not pissed that he fucked two of their buddies they're pissed that he blew his buddies blow an instrument he had a huge colombian cock so it's very difficult it was very difficult to be mad at colombia our colombian friend yeah um but i every time i hear that I think of that where it's like, again, back then, whatever, like we're again, 10 years ago, different, but it's like, there's no way a 19 year old would even think about doing that today.

Cause you will just get, you'll, that is assault. Yeah. And it shouldn't be, but it is. No, it's silly fun. I don't know. I think that it's the only thing that they have left. So I think there might be more of that tomfoolery now. They're like, now that we can't rape, that's off the table.

They're literally. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I know. Jordan, what do you mean? When you mean we can't, you mean we shouldn't? I mean, technically speaking. Sorry, because I didn't get any feedback. So I'm kidding.

Most of us. We'll do this. When we say ridiculous things. Speak into the mic. No, no. And that's the joke. things. No, no, no, no. And that's the joke horn. Yes. Oh, I see.

I see. I went like this and then you did joke horn and I went like this. Yeah. Yeah. Put it right back. No, technically more women want to be raped than ever. And technically more women. That's her theory.

You think that more do? Oh yeah. You know, it's interesting. You say that I had a conversation just the other day. Actually, this was at my daughter's baptism. Perfect, perfect. Right on brand. Yep, at my one-year-old daughter's baptism.

Me, my girlfriend, and her family were talking. Your wife? Your wife? Well, yeah, wife. Well, we're technically not married, but yes, wife. We have three kids. I see a Gene Simmons, Shannon Tweed thing for you. What does that mean?

I see a Gene Simmons, Shannon Tweed thing for you. What does that mean? They are, they have a family, been together monogamous like 40 years, but they never got married. And that's kind of like the cool thing where it's like, yeah, this we're together and we don't need this. I think where it comes from for me and, you know, something we, we go back and forth to that, the both of us jasmine and i for me number one i'm a product of divorce so it's a very thing where i'm like i don't like i

didn't like growing up with the divorce i always would wish my parents were just together and just because i would always have to hear about how bad the divorce was and how much money my dad had to get and i don't want that and so but also I think because Jasmine and I had children first, right? We had children before the marriage, which most people do the marriage than the children. Because we did that, we feel, or I feel like this connection to her that can never be broken. Unbreakable. That will be for the remainder of our lives. I will be connected to her.

So it feels silly to me now to be like, well, what, a piece of paper in a Catholic church with all the scandals that went on? Why? We are connected through a higher power. Yes. This is enough. I would never disrespect you in any way. Well, the only reason is that she would want a wedding.

Women usually like weddings. Well, I asked her. I said, would you like a wedding or would you like a, like, I'm going to pay for everything, like a trip to Sicily? Nice. Let's just go to Sicily. She was like, Sicily. I was like, so we'll go to Sicily. Oh, that's the best.

That's what it is. That's great. And also, if you're never married, technically, well, you're not really my wife. When I was throwing it around town. Do you want to tase yourself every time me and Nancy feel crazy? Do you want to? Yeah. You'll tase yourself?

It's part of intermittent fasting. Yeah, do it. Do you want to see me do it and then you'll feel comfortable doing it? I don't want to tase myself. No, no, no. The reason doing it or do you want to do it myself the reason why i don't no no no the reason why i don't because i would but the reason why i don't and this is true is i like i have to shit like like it's right there like i'm like i'm i'm crowning oh and so and we are a shit positive podcast so if you need to shit in any if you need to shit and then shower that's something that happens i have a shower well i just i just peed instead of the toilet and and then shower, that's something that happens frequently. I have a shower. I just pee in it instead of the toilet bowl.

And I think that with us, I think that what I've learned about performing is I usually hold in a shit or a piss before every time I go on stage with you on podcast. It keeps me in the game. Like I've noticed a couple of times you've stared off just in two minutes. You don't have to shit or piss. so you should have held it in she's she's got a lot up here she starts paying attention like she has to shit and that's the best i noticed that too she was middle distance stare to the corner i was thinking about it was kind of when he brought up love. Yeah. That's really what happened. I started thinking about Leonard Cohen.

Human connection. Leonard Cohen and this woman, Marianne Jensen, had this on and off again relationship. And then I was thinking about how I'm in an on and off again relationship and how my name's Jensen and her name's Jensen and maybe I'm just forever doomed. And then I had the thought that I don't want to be the woman in that. I want to be the man. The one in control. The one being like, I'm too busy. And when Marianne died, he wrote her a sweet letter being like, hey'll see you on the other side i've always loved you and i'm like i

don't want to be that woman who's already dead and he's being like hey i know i dumped you a thousand times i want to be the guy who's like see i'm busy and then uh now here we are yeah there you go that's yeah that's where i went that's that's where i went and that's been a jordan journey i like like the Jordan journeys. Me too. You know what I mean? I always want to put my side just because we have the same last name. I'm Leonard Cohen.

I'm fucking Leonard Cohen. I'm doing shit. I'm busy. I'm the one being like, baby, hold on. I got to go on a walkabout. I'll be back. That's not the case. So in reality, in reality, I'm being, but that's going to turn around today.

Yes. So let me get back to, I'm being, but that's going to turn around today. Yes. So let me get back to the rape conversation at my back. Yeah. So let's get back to that. Let's get back. Yes. It's been really hard.

Okay. So what? Rape the baby at your house. Yes. So what she said. So you were at a baptism and rape came up. Yes. So, so it was a Staten Island baptism. That's just how it goes. Yeah. So, so, but what we were planning one or talking about you know she's very you know one one family member you know very very smart intelligent forward-thinking progressive woman she was like you know it's not that you know i want to be held against my will or anything like that she goes but the path

ah it's very sexy that when a man shows that he has power over me and she said it's also very sexy when a man i want a man to look at my ass i want a man to be where i have to be like hey eyes up here she's like this movement of the younger generation of this feminism she's like i am a feminist i believe in woman power but it's also like don't you have to like look at me and make me feel sexy don't just try to be all proper and cute with me she was like that's gay yeah totally she's like i am the dry victorian era yes she was like hold the door for me be chivalrous but like don't like don't look at my ass yes she's like on a first date if if a guy we were having a good time and a guy was like you're just so hot like i all i do is think about having sex

with you she's like i'm not saying i'd have sex with him but it would really be like i would love something i would love that she was like now i feel like when i go on the train or i'm walking to work less guys look at me. And it makes me feel ugly. She's becoming an old bag. She was. No. Well, that's what I said.

She's aging rapidly. Well, I said it's Jasmine's cousin. But I said, let me tell you something. I said, let me tell you something, Britt. I said, you have gorgeous tits. Yeah. I said, and I've looked at them since I've met Jasmine eight years ago. I've only thought about having sex with you.

Yeah. And she felt, she said she felt good about it. Yeah. And Jasmine punched me in the face. yeah yeah my buddy last night said a guy grazed her arm as she was walking by and grabbed her hand and pulled her in towards him and went i need to know your name and she was like soaked so immediately wow yeah totally like that yeah now that's a bit much yeah she was in Mexico. Well, there you go.

Well, there you go. Yeah, you're like, either I cut your head off or you tell me your name. Good choice, sweetie. I'm in the cartel. Totally. Totally. One or the other. Yeah.

I'm into the cutting of the head off. I like the, you know, I want to be. I like the full fear of your life because it makes my brain shut off. Right. You know what I mean? Right, yeah. If I really feel like I'm like, oh, this is it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's tough because I, you know, I have a young stepson,

like a teenage stepson who's, you know, starting to talk to girls, you know, like whatever. How do you navigate that? And it's tough because you don't really know how to tell him, like, what's okay and what's not. Other than I'm like, hey, just, you know, be nice to girls, look them in the eye, you know, like say hi, like, you know. But it's like you don't know.

Even that, I swear to God, I said to my stepson, I was like, you know, are you talking to any girls? He's like, you know like say hi like you know but it's like you don't know even that I swear to god I said to my stepson I was like you know you talking any girls yeah like a couple of girls and I was like oh good I was like do you talk to them and he was like yeah I said what do you open up with and he was like well you know like it's tough he's like because the one girl I like I swear he said he goes the one girl I like doesn't identify as a girl so she's a girl I know she's a girl but she doesn't like to be called that so i don't know what to say because i don't know like how i'm supposed to talk to her and i was like freak well i said you know what buddy i said i you're gonna have to talk to your real father about that yeah i'm your stepdad yeah yeah i'm not here for this i don't even know why we're in

the same room yeah i was like you know it's i'm your i'm love you to a point and i don't know we just hit't know we just hit that point we just bumped up against that bumper i actually have too much shit going on my career to give you the wrong answer so uh yeah talk to dad about that yeah but it is a thing that these kids have to navigate like because i thought a lot of times i thought oh well that stuff's just on tv that's in the media like there's no kids acting that way but it's you know on stat island my own kid's school is like no this girl does that that's funny that it's on staten island it's like yeah no i ain't a girl i identify

as a as a thing yeah yeah lick my they click huh well you know what's funny about staten island i love it but you know i i i love i love living on staten island it's fun it's good you know place you know again nice house you know we got. You know, I got a nice house. You know, we got a backyard and everything. We got stuff like that I never had. But it's funny how like they, like my daughter's school just doesn't play by the, it's a different school than where my stepson goes.

My daughter goes to like an all-girls school. And so- There is no they, them, but the all-girls. No, no, no, no. And it's like hardcore Catholic. So they literally, my daughter came home last year with like a worksheet. You know, she's only in first grade worksheet, like that you have to color in, you know, things. And it was, it was like about gender roles and like learning, like what men do, what women do. And the coloring sheet was for the man was a guy with the utility belt and a hammer.

And the woman was, I swear swear to god the woman had a frying pan and she was making eggs and it was just it was from like the 70s and it's like they're still using that today yeah i mean we didn't have a problem with it we thought it was fucking hilarious it's so funny and she said she was like i see she actually said she was like oh in my house she was like my mommy does more of the fixing and my dad does more of the cooking. Is a gay man. Exactly. Yeah.

He's a gay man. Yeah. And I think you and I bond like that. Yes. People look at us and like, are they gay? Yeah. Are they straight? They don't know.

And you know what? They'll never know. They're never going to know. They'll never know. They'll always assume, you know, and maybe someday we'll make a switch. Yeah. The truth is Jordan straps on a double ended dildo and fucks me in the ass. Yeah.

So it's both. That's the truth. Now it's out double-ended dildo and fucks me in the ass. Yeah. So it's both. That's the truth. Now it's out there. You're hard to peg because you're also into that. Yeah. You're hard to peg. Yes. That's actually my next tattoo.

Let me hold you down. Make it easier. Yeah, I know. It is good to have sexual fluidity, though, Ian. I think you're very free with who you are as a person, and I respect that. But I don't know that I could kiss a guy. I think think about it but i don't know if i could do it it is italian is the thing about it too because you're italian i think italian men are more effeminate and there's more although we they don't go to therapy because well look at us yeah there's

there's a thing that happened but i also think that like italian women are really abrasive yes which in this generation like my mom is are really abrasive yes which in this generation like my mom is a very abrasive italian woman and she just is like fuck you fuck you to her husband at the time i'm gonna build the house with you i can fucking do whatever you want to do because i'm an aggressive so i think that might also have to do with the gender thing yeah and you know you know jasmine is puerto rican so puerto rican is you know it's very very like sex based cult not sex based but it's like know, they're sexual and they're like passionate, passionate, open about sexuality. So like it like she will like hear me say something like really gay on a podcast or Instagram, like, you know, all the fucking bits.

Yeah. You know, we'll all do. Yeah. Bits. I'm like, oh, I'm sure. What's it like to kiss a man that has jokes? And it will it will be like like, she'll take the turn. Like, I feel like other girls, like there was a point where Jasmine and I were co-parenting and broken up, and I went on a couple of dates with like,

you know, these like 25-year-old like white girls from like, you know, like Coachella. And they were like, you know, like, be who you are. Like, support, like, I support, I fucks with like effeminate men. Where Jasmine's like way too good of an impression yeah i know she that woman lives inside me yeah that was crazy that was a personality of mine that was unbelievable i fucks with i haven't okay because that's how

they are yeah but where jasmine will go the other way and be like you do that gay shit you're gonna come in this bedroom and i'm gonna show you that you're not fucking gay like i'm gonna suck the gay and so that's what she she goes the other way where she's not homophobe at all she's very she has we've our uncle's gay we're a lot of gay people in our family but she's like you're that's you're the fucking man yeah and i'm gonna remind you that you're the and then she'll like grab my dick and nuts and i'm like yeah yeah i guess i'm not gay yeah yeah yeah yeah that's good. You're okay, right? You're all right in your home life.

You can tell us if you need some support. We'll help you. This basement, there's an extra bedroom. Yeah, well, I know. Well, there'll be a body swinging from the ceiling any day. I mean, the editor of this podcast looks like Kurt Cobain with brown hair. Oh, don't deflect here. Don't deflect here.

I'm fine. This dude's dumb. This dude's weird and dumb. I'm okay. No, don't deflect here. Don't deflect here. No, I'm fine. This dude's dumb. This dude's weird and dumb. Yeah. I'm okay. No, I love my life. Yeah. Look at him.

Look at him over there. No, you have a suicidal, you have a guy who's clearly, like a suicidal TikToker in a basement with no windows. You have him chained up like he's in a fucking basement in Cleveland.

We had to have a meeting about it last night. Yeah. I'm trying to have a meeting about how to not abuse Ethan so much. And Ian is just strapping on the fucking proton package and shooting at me and Ethan. This is awesome, right? How cool is that? This shoots like, this actually shoots like goop.

Buddy, buddy. No, it doesn't shoot goop. See that? No, no, stop, stop, stop. See those switches? Flick them on. This? Yeah.

Hold on. Okay. I got it. I got it. I them on. This? Yeah. Hold on. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. Wow. Yeah. Now flick this.

Flick. Now press that button. Which button? The gun. The trigger. What? Oh, this? Yeah.

Take it off. Pull that out. Yeah. Wait. There you go. Oh, yeah. Okay. I don't even know where the trigger is.

Turn it upside down. Where's the trigger? There is a button. Right there. A button. Where? Right there. Oh, that says activate?

Yeah. And now Where? Right there. Oh, that says activate? Yeah. And now what? Hold on. Now activate. Now. Now activate? Yeah. Hold on.

What the fuck? It turned off. Now hit it. Hit activate? Yeah, go ahead. What am I supposed to do? Hit activate. I'm hitting it.

I can't. Now go. Now press it. Press this. Oh. Intensify. This is quick. Get there. Wow. Is this all it does? No, no, no. Now you can let go. now press it press this oh intensify this is not quick

there wow is this all it does no no no now you can let go now now now hold it

that's slime whoa this is one of those things that like you buy like I buy my stepson it's just a fucking letdown like you want this thing to explode yeah this is sick look at how well made it is yeah where did you get this it's like this is like uh so i got it from hasbro pulse and uh they did a um jesus christ

i told you my girl does all the fixing and stuff dude that's like the one time my cup holder came off the side of my truck and ron on tried to put it back on yeah and it's like shitty cup holders that just go into the window that i bought on amazon and i'm watching him just tap it against the door as if it was gonna there was no he's just pushing this little plastic piece of junk against the wall of my and i just we were at red light and i was just like surely he will and he just and put it down but you and ian are like anomalies in comedy because you know how to fix things and build things and could probably have done had a successful career outside arts. Yeah. Most of us, myself, definitely.

Yeah. Because I was so bad at like fixing or being anything like a guy like should do, like putting up sheetrock. I don't even know how to paint. I know how to do nothing. Like how like sometimes I get upset where I'm like, you know, I'll see other, you know, girls like my daughter's friends be like oh you know so-and-so's dad built them a treehouse and i'm like i couldn't even i wouldn't even know i couldn't even open the box for the treehouse i don't even there's no box i don't know how to do anything like zero but i think could you build a treehouse you think yeah yeah here's the thing you're incredibly smart and

intelligent when it comes to like medicine you were like a physical therapist yeah that's a whole different type of brain that we don't have well but what i mean i what would i mean what am i i'd rather build a treehouse for my seven-year-old and stretch her hamstring yeah that's true yeah but you're a dad who can afford to hire somebody like us to do it well but see it's interesting because i thought well you know my my mom would always say you know honey like either you know like a woman like she could tell at like 15 16 she's like this he's like borderline like a retard like he doesn't know how to build anything like dude like he's not a guy like he's having a you know uh uh allergic reactions and Boy Scouts.

Like this is bad. Yes, wearing dresses, yeah. This is bad. You know, he wants to be in the NBA. He's like a 5'10 white kid with scoliosis. Like it's not going to happen. Yeah. So she said to me, she was like, you know, like for a woman,

like for like a wife, like moving forward, she was like, you know, you're either going to have to like know how to like build stuff and do things like that or make money. So she's like, you're going to have to like know how to like build stuff and do things like that or make money. So she's like, what? You're going to have to have one or the other. If you can't do either, then it's going to be tough for you no matter how. Did she say that? I swear to God.

She was like, I just want you to be happy. I want you to have a family. I want you to do those things. And she was like, you need to figure out like something. And then, you know, we thought of physical therapy. So she was like, that's good. That'll be a good career. You know, you're helping people like that'll be good. And then with comedy, you know, now it's like I don't even do physical therapy anymore.

I just do comedy. But for the longest time, I was like, OK, I'm doing OK in comedy. And I like right now I have got my kitchen, had to get a couple of like new parts. And there's a guy in there like building my kitchen and i can see like jasmine even though like i'm you know doing well you know we have this nice house jasmine's like subtly gets mad at me she's like you can't even put up like you don't even know like what a backsplash is and i'm like yeah yeah i know and i go brutal because i could tell that like it doesn't the money thing matters less it's a woman wants to feel protected my uncle's wife fucked the contractor my uncle made a bunch of money contractor sorry i'm two hours away and

she knows that ethan's games tiktok you know what ethan perfect time to kill yourself right now either you do it or i do it, because Jordan has just told me, because women all know what the truth is, and we're dumb men, that the contractor's having sex with her right now. Having sex with her right now. So, well, you know what, Mr. Contractor, if you're having sex with her, have fun with the chlamydia she may have gotten last week. Woo! We're just so lovely.

Realizing. Okay. Women love a guy that's just not going to get it done. As she brings up the example I've been fearing. As you walk out of the house, she's like, you don't even know what a backsplash is. And he's like, I'm going to splash all over this bitch's neck. Yeah, that was good. He's on the ladder like,

yeah, yeah. I do feel like now, because it's one of those things where I almost got angry at my dad. I was like, why did you ever teach me any of this? He was like, I was in prison. Literally, I was in jail. You know this. But he said to me, he was like, you know what? Because he's 77 years old now. And he was like, why did you ever teach me any of this? He was like, I was in prison. Like literally I was in jail. You know this. But he said to me, he was like, you know what? Cause he's 77 years old now.

And he was like, you know what I'll say to you though, Chris, you're still young. Like, right. You can go learn this shit. You can. He was like, honestly, he was like, you, why not? You know, fine. You're a comedian, but why, why is that your only identity?

We can film it. You want to film me teaching you? Yes. I'll get, we'll bring tools. Well, he said, he was like, I'm sure at least one of your friends. I'll wear the proton Well, he said he was like, I'm sure at least one of your friends. I'll wear the proton pack. There it is.

And the first video will be me trying to figure out how to turn it on. No, but because he was like, why not? Like he was like, in a year, you can learn how to do this. Like you can just learn, you know, or go, you know, on your days off, like go shadow a construction worker. Like do something. Like you don't have to just do be a comedian if you volunteered with like habitat for humanity or something or showed up on a site you would help and like learn and that's how i learned i went down and and it's okay if i don't

know anything totally yeah you'll be like a helper and then you'll learn teaches people she's a contractor and she makes fun of them. But to me later. I can take it. I just don't want to get yelled at. You can abuse me all day. They take retards. Down syndrome. 100%.

You're in. No, go and volunteer. I wanted to film something where I'm teaching Racine how to do stuff. Dude, we should do that. That would be fun. Or if we built like a portico or something what's that what what's a portico portico you don't know a portico no it's a portico that's like uh at a house on um in the front door it's got like beams and then a little roof okay the oh i still awning thing yeah that's a portico look it up wow look at that different

than a tree house no same thing so that's interesting so that maybe that's the way to get into it then we'll do it we'll you'll film that would be so fun it's it's i'm learning and we're both on and we're kind of being able to be comedians because I thought I thought that you're talking about a porch, a portico is massive no, a portico can be smaller than that you're a dumb fucking ass

fuck you, blow the horn, don't mean it I thought you were saying it was specifically the little thing over there I was like why would we build that we could build something down here for Ethan to play around in like a little hamster. A little guillotine. A little gallo. A little gallo we can build. Just a little tiny gallo. That'd be so nice.

That'd be so fun. We were almost on a construction. I know. We were almost on a great construction show. And I was i literally was i our our manager at the time rick dorfman aka the truffle pig my guy yeah ricky dorfman um i love him and uh and and and and i said because we were looking for a co-host we wanted somebody like i was the comic guy i don't know anything about construction fucking idiot you know like that was the bit and then i was like we you, they wanted an actual construction worker who was a comic. And so we're going to these people.

It's all guys, all guys. And then Rick says to me, he goes, well, I got a client, Jordan Jensen's girl, but she's a construction worker. And then he showed me a tape. I was like, I told the net. I was like, this is her. Like, no more additions. Like, if you if you really I want to do this show, I'm a part of this show. I wanted to be her. I needed this is her. No more auditions. I want to do this show. I'm a part of this show.

I wanted to be her. I needed to be her. And I was like, Rick. We had a great chem test. Yeah, it was great. And then how TV goes, it's one of those things where it just fucking, they were like, we're going with somebody else because of reasons out of the control. But then.

Can we say the reasons? We can say the reasons. Well, only reason we can't is because i want to just say i love that show so much i'll tell you guys why i can't say it after because all i want to say on camera is that i fucking love that show okay yeah and i loved it i'm sorry you couldn't be a part of it but you and and then and then it's funny because so so then after that happens i get on another tv show which again i can't talk about yet but we'll talk about soon I get on another TV show, which again, I can't talk about yet, but we'll talk about soon.

Another TV show that actually Jordan was a part of. Yes. And I submitted all these people, friends and whatever. And Ian had texted me one day. He goes, yo, did you ever hear back? And I said, bro, I said, we're going through again, pushing for you the way I push for Jordan. And and and he would have been so good.

Well, I said, and you know, if there is a second season you're in awesome if there is um so so because i said it was like these are they have like multiple priority picks and you're wild i got it come on cut out from it i have to be cut out the thing i was saying was insane no no no no no that's in wow i haven't seen it but like some of the cuts i have seen is like wow this is wild what they're like people say which is kind of cool, but it's funny is because, you know, I tell Ian goes in, Ian goes, text me. He's like, you know, am I am I in, you know, and I said, no, you know, the network, like I tried to push for you or whatever, but they just want to go a different direction. And there was one spot open and that spot that was open that didn't go to you went to Jordan. that was open that didn't go to you went to Jordan. He went to your podcast host. When I saw who showed up, I was like, hilarious.

He went to his podcast host. I didn't know. I didn't know. That's crazy. It's so funny, because I was like, what a coinkydick. And I said, when you guys, you know, when you said come to the pod, I said, I got to tell that story on their podcast.

But the reason why is because that seat was for a woman. They were like, the reason why it was because they were strictly like, I was like, literally Ian's bi. And they were like, we don't believe it. I was like, he's got a fucking pussy. He's way more of a minority than I am. He's way more of a woman than you are. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. I know. Yes. But I was like, how funny is that? But, but. Hilarious. I love that. That's such a, I love any story that's funnier than it is for like success.

So that's great. Yeah. Because, and, and the thing is, I think. Can I borrow some money? No, you know, none of us got paid that much. Yeah. No, no, no. I got humiliated on it too.

She was like hair and makeup. And I was like, no, thank you. And she's like, we'll just do, we'll just do what you do only just a little bit TV. I look like a fucking toddler in tiara. My shirt's ripped that I wore there. It's like a ripped torn kind of vintage shirt. And then I just have full curls.

Big eye makeup. You look good. That was great. No, it was insane. No, no, no, no, no. You looked great. I look. No, no, no. You would make up on. You didn't look dead like you do now, but you looked great.

You look, you look like, like you looked at one of the producers said, cause I have the thing in the air. One of the producers said, she's, I want to rape her. Yeah. There you go. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. So, um, but, but yeah, that's great. Oh, excited about your Philadelphia Eagles. You little piece of shit. Oh, I lost 200 bucks on that.

Eagles dude. So they're played the giant. Well, this'll be two weeks ago by the time this comes out, but they played the giants last week. And I was like talking crap to some of my, you know, Philly friends. I was like, giants are going to pull it out. They were like, there's no way the Giants are going to beat the Eagles. And then it got so, here's the truth. It got so bad. It was 28 to nothing at halftime that in an effort to make me feel better because I felt so horrible, I put on the Casey Anthony documentary. I watched the Casey Anthony documentary and didn't turn it back. I was like, I feel so much happier watching Casey Anthony lie about killing her kid than watching these giants get punted.

I was on stage looking through glass at governors, looking through glass at the screen. So I'd be telling you a joke and I'd be like, oh, that's not a zero still, is it? I did that for the Phillies in the final game of the World Series. I was on stage at a rock venue in Ohio. I fucking packed it. It was really fun no i'm saying but you're such a big phillies fan yes i got a philly shirt on and there's one tv at the bar and i'm like you got a college football game on the fucking world put it on yes and so i was like in the middle of a joke and i'm like the subway's weird's weird. Yes! All run! All run!

Anyways. And then I saw them losing in real time on the stage. And I was just like, you know. Yeah. But sports is so fun. Like, I remember this one story. Like, my parents were divorced, right, growing up. But there was like a moment.

It was like three months of like, where my mom was like, maybe I'll take your dad back. Like we're talking, like maybe it's possible, whatever. And so I remember, but my dad was like a lunatic, like the reason why they divorced in the first place, he's like a lunatic.

Like, you know, like get hot, you know, yell about sports, gamble, all that like fun stuff, but like stuff that you can't say meritan, but like for guys were like, this guy's legit the man. I always loved my dad. mom would tell stories like can you believe your father did this i love that guy i can't believe i came out of his balls yeah but you know and so and so so but i remember like it was so funny like my mom was like okay it's one weekend she was like your dad's gonna

come he's gonna stay over it's not enough i'm you know i was a little bit old i was like, your dad's going to come. He's going to stay over. It's not enough. I'm, you know, I was a little bit old. I was like eight or nine. I could understand. Jesus. And she was like, we're not going to fuck. Yeah. Just titty play. Yeah.

Just a little bit. Yeah. Your dad will play with my ass a little bit. But, and so, but you know, she was like, don't like get too excited, whatever. Like we're just trying it out, whatever. So it was a great. So I remember my dad was in the house. He had come over.

It was a Saturday afternoon. Right. So I remember my dad was in the house. He had come over. It was a Saturday afternoon. My dad was in the house for maybe an hour when the New York Knicks were playing the Indiana Pacers. And there was a and there was a moment in the Knicks, if you're a fan, where Patrick Ewing could have won the game. And if he would have just dunked, but instead he tried to finger roll and it hit the back of the rim and the Knicks lost at the buzzer game. They could have and should have won. I believe that got them eliminated from the playoffs like it was like one of those like times when they were like could have went to the NBA championship and my dad I was sitting like in my living room kind of like this and my dad grabbed one of my participation trophies not an end like oh that's all I ever got is of course and threw it at the tv and broke the tv and within an

hour my mother literally was in the kitchen. I swear, in the kitchen making sandwiches, turned around. She goes, Tony, get out. And then that was it. And it was over. Like, immediately, she was like, you are out of here. And he never came back. Wow.

And I was like, holy smokes. Oh, my God. But again, it's one of those things where, like, my mom was mad. And she was like, do you understand why like dad can't live here? And I was like, no, I think that guy is awesome. He literally should have broken. He could have shown me how to fix the TV.

Yes. And instead now, instead now, mom, you know what you did to me now, mom? Now the mother of my children is having sex with the contractor because of you. Because you didn't let my dad stay when he lit the house on fire when he threw my participation trophy through the tv that showed me how to fix things but you want to ruin it you're selfish was he on like an apology tour after that was he trying really hard or was he like i know what i do well no he said like it was funny how like just different like that's how i learned a lot about like relationships i think through them because my you know my mom threw him out and my dad like the next day called me he was like you know

you know you you understand now why i just can't live with that woman right like like he never said like sorry about he was like you understand like she's crazy you saw the game you saw what the tv did to me he was like she doesn't understand my emotions yeah i was like what do you want? Like a break room where you just get to go break stuff? And maybe that would have helped their marriage. But now my dad's been remarried to my stepmom, who's great, for 30 plus years. Oh, that's great.

Yeah, and that's another reason why without getting married, I'm like, you know, I've seen divorce. I've seen people stay together. I'm like, I just like having children. I like being their dad. I like being in a relationship with Jasmine. I'm like, I don't know what, it just feels like things got complicated with my parents because they were married.

And then all I ever heard was about the divorce and the money who gets what. I was like, if they would have just broken up, then I would have just probably, they're little, you know, they don't like each other for romantic reasons that a child's not involved in. I would have just probably their little you know they don't like each other for romantic reasons that a child's not involved and I would have just seen two people who love me who are not complaining about why so and so got that house and got this money and whatever whatever

you know did you get a streak of the of the trophy whipping uh you had a little bit of wall punch in you no no I never really got angry like that. The only time I would say I would get like a little mad playing sports like like I actually somebody just I never thought it was like this, but somebody just sent me one friend of mine sent me a video of me and my friends playing basketball when we were like 14 and like, you know, park farmer's oval in in Ridgewood where I grew up Queens and um and I like always thought like when I was in college or growing up I was always like you know I'm sensitive to others like I understand it's just a game whatever and then there's video of me at 14 my friend Wayne misses a lay uh lets his guy go pass him and he hits a layup and I take the ball and i fucking throw it off the fence i'm like wayne you're a fucking asshole fuck you play fucking defense and i'm like who is that guy

i never thought i was that guy because i hear you know in comedy oh chris is a nice guy he's a calm guy and i'm like no no no that i must have i must have been a lunatic yeah when i was a kid but your memory like your brain does a good job of just being like that wasn't you you're this person yeah i saw a lot of violence growing up and i would go to ski club and i would never put skis on i would just go into the mess hall where everybody was eating and i would just beat the shit out of girls good every day every week we would go and we just me and this other friend would gear up we just chuck ketchup until somebody's like what the fuck and then we'll be like oh what the fuck you want to go and then we'll just be where did you grow up ithaca oh nice yeah i'm going to ithaca in may what are you gonna do there i got a one one night in buffalo one night in ithaca and one night in albany what are you doing in

the state theater i think so yeah and the rest of your life you're gonna coughing because you're gonna kill yourself yeah well i mean no it's beautiful it could be really is the furthest and then coming back towards new y City, is that the good route? Buffalo's the furthest, then Ithaca's a little closer, then Albany's a little closer to New York? Yeah. Okay, good. Good, I like it when it's that, because sometimes, like, you know,

I'll do a show. Like, one time I had a show. I had a show in Rochester, then Atlantic City, then the next day was Syracuse. I was like, what did I do this for? That's insane. That sucks. That's good routing then. I think it's going to be good. Go to Asia Cuisine.

Understated best restaurant ever. Asia Cuisine. Yep. Okay. That's what the podcast is sponsored by. Asia Cuisine. Is it a buffet? It's so good. No, they like just make, they hand make all the noodle, hand make, they home make all the noodles and stuff. They make them by hand. They make them by hand, yeah. Yeah, they hand make. Yeah they hand make all the noodle, hand make, they home make all the noodles and stuff. They make them by hand. They make them by hand, yeah. Yeah, they hand make.

Yeah. They hand make. You can hand make. You can hand make. Okay. I'll go to Asia cuisine. Go to Asia. I'm going to go there, dude. You'll see it in your bed. What did Jordan say? And then you'll get the food and it's unreal. I'm bringing Mike Cannon with me. I'm going to let him try first. He's coming today? In an hour.

Mike's coming in an hour? Oh, my God. Stick around. Your wife's already getting dicked down. It doesn't matter. I'm going to eat my sandwich in front of him

and be like, you didn't get this. Yeah. You gray-haired piece of shit. Yeah, he does. Dye your hair. What are you doing, Cannon? I like his salt and pepper hair.

Oh, it's hot. Yeah. Mike's hot, right? He's hot. Very hot. He's hot. You're hot. Yeah.

But Mike has the. Thank you. We've just broken your spirit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're very, very hot. Mike Cannon has the Brooklyn hipster thing, which obviously.

Yeah. I have a proclivity towards. Right. No, he doesn't. Huh? Yeah. On that set of Vice, he did. Did you see that?

Yeah. He had like the Shawshank Redemption. Yeah. With the rolled cuffs. No. I swear to God on that set of Vice he did. Did you see that? Yeah. He had like the Shawshank Redemption hat. Yeah, with the- The rolled cuffs. No. I swear to God, it was actually really crazy. He looked like a cast member of all that. Yes.

Yes, he did. He was dressed like he had his pant legs rolled up. Yeah, he did look very hipster. It was gaffer. Yes. Like he would have a carabiner and a sharpie kind of guy. Yep. He doesn't dress like that on stage. I'm telling you, it was different. Yes. You're very hot too. I like when the tattoos are showinginer and a Sharpie kind of guy. He, he doesn't dress like that. I'm saying, I'm telling you it was different.

Yes. You're very hot too. I like when the tattoos are showing. Thank you. A little less purple. You know what I mean? But you know, when you're really hot on the set of ice, my God, that suit. You like that. What are we doing? You like that one? That was amazing. Yeah, baby. It was a great suit. Yeah. You missed a ton of fun Ian. He would have been so good.'s gonna be good people they're not good i know i know well so the couple of the people were like um they would like be whispering like not whispering like the producer would be in my ear be like hey uh so and so isn't saying anything so can you stand up and no no can

you stand up and do like your jokes in front of them so it's easier for us to edit them out oh no it was like that where they were like we're gonna play it like i would they were calling audibles like they were like amazing so and so's really bombing so he's not gonna make the show so just stand up and do this next line to that camera b so it's easier for us to just edit around that person i feel felt like I was bombing but crushing with you. No, you're going to be in. Oh, that's great. I had a good rapport with him where I would be like, here's a question for you, Jordan. And I'd be like,

here's a question for you. How did our careers take us here? You know what I mean? And the audience would be like, or he'd be like, which hair piece is real or fake? And I'd be like, I don't know, but that guy's wearing a different man's skin as a face. And the audience would just be like meanwhile I'm just in my basement.

Yeah. Everything's fine. Everything's fine. I'll be there one day. We should give carpentry lessons. That'd be great. I know. I would love that. Because you know what I'd love if you guys and maybe this would be a fun thing. We film it like I want to be able to like build my

daughter the treehouse and like not tell her be like daddy's an idiot daddy's stupid and then i just come home one day with one less finger and i don't explain it i'm like i'm sergio i'm like it was a crazy show but it really sawed my finger off trying to make her this treehouse and then i just unveiled the treehouse for her that'd be great cool right dude that's the thing that's like the show that you wanted to make but just fucking make it. Don't use the network or whatever. Yeah, just do it. Yeah.

Yeah. Why not? And also, that's more relatable than fucking anything else because there's so many guys out there that don't know how to do shit for their kids or for their family, even like fixing a hole in the wall or hanging something. So many people don't know how to do that. That's what me and Palufo were pitching a show to the, cause they liked me at the one that you did. So we were pitching a show where we go into like via, you know, these guys' houses and they're like, I'm trying to run a podcast studio and fuck women.

And we're like, okay. And we rebuild their whole little tiny apartment. Oh, Palufo can build stuff as well. She is an art handler. So she's very good at precision and she's designed. She would be like, this goes here and then I would build it. So could you like, what could you genuinely build from scratch? Like you could build a house from scratch with a crew.

Like I gave you a crew and I'm like, can you build a house? And you're like, whatever the dimensions are, I can figure that out. You know, like where to start, you know, everything, what to do. I could frame. You have no idea. You, you know, architecture. I could frame... You have no idea. You know architecture. I have built realistically

eight houses. Yeah, you're a fucking bitch. No, I was a remodel carpenter. You build the house, fuck up the kitchen. I come in, tear it out, and I build the kitchen. And the basement. I've also done that. Here's the one thing I can't do. I can't do cabinetry.

You can build a cabinet. If it's prefab. I'll just put all my shit in bags. I don't need cabinets. I can't do fine furniture or cabinetry, but I can frame out a house. Can you do tile? I'm killer tile.

Backsplash, heartbeat. Can't do concrete. I love drywall. You love drywall? I'm killer tile. Backsplash. Concrete. Heartbeat. Can't do concrete. You can't do concrete? I love concrete. I love drywall. You love drywall? I love drywall. I love hanging, painting, mudding.

Wow. Yes. It's meditative. I'm very good at drywall, but I hate it. I love it. So do you think there's a strong possibility I could learn to love this stuff? Yes. Yeah, it's the best.

Dude, there is something so. You're screaming. I'm excited. There's something so freeing about having a task, completing it, and physically having proof that you did it. And also the accomplishment you feel of seeing how better you get. Plus, on top of the fact that you are helping yourself and others by doing these things. Yeah, because there's a lot of opportunities I get that I just don't take. Like two days ago, the kids were home from school and Jasmine got my stepson a new desk

for his room and it came in these big boxes and I put the boxes in his room and then she said to me, listen, I'm going to build this. Just go sit with the kids downstairs and watch cartoons. So I sat down there with the kids, like, you know, what a, like a woman's role used to be. And I just sat down there and played games and watched Cocoa Melon and we took naps. And she built that whole thing

where I should have just been like, you know what? Yes, one of us has to go watch the kids, but. You watch the kids, you're the woman. I'll fix it. I'm the man. I'm going to fuck the shit out of you. Yeah. Let me do it or let me watch you. No, that's bad. Or do it together. But. Yeah, that's. I'm the man. I'm going to fuck the shit out of you. Let me do it. Or let me watch you do it or do it together.

But that's, but it's literally build an Ikea thing. But see, here's the thing. I think maybe I could, but when I see the direction, never built a, no,

because when I see it all, it gives me palpable anxiety and it makes me want to pass out. And I'm like, I can't do this. So I think maybe it's that I don't, I don't have any motivation to do it but now I do now I'm like now life has been like do you really want to be a dad that

can't do anything for his daughters you know there's a rotating cast of handy men that are just tearing your dad out I was going to take over the bit and make it into a different bit but it's the same thing this isn't a matter of I need to learn it's a matter of i need to learn it's a matter of of saving your family right but i think

he gets to get away with it the guy because i would rather be but i would rather marry a guy like that because i want to go build the shelf and i don't want to fucking watch coco bullshit i fucking hate that shit yeah you watch the kids you take the nap a little jealous of but that's nice yeah i don't want the guy to be like oh do it that pisses me off my kids want to watch that stuff with me they're like daddy does the voices mom go go build stuff go take out the trash and those are like memories they're gonna have forever and that's better than being like well i built this for you you know well but i i do think like because it is now like my older daughter just knows my older daughter's like oh dad can't build anything or do anything like yeah like a package will come and and you know it'll be like tools or something it's like you just

yeah and then yeah it'll be like you know like a pair of like fucking athleisure pants like these are for daddy you know like a pair of spanks they're like this is for one of daddy's bits and and so so i gotta deal with that but i don't know now things are are changing i want to learn i think this is the idea jordan teaches me how to build stuff for my daughter yeah that's what it is you can come and i'm kicked out again she's i need somebody to hold the other line of the tape so you can do that. Yeah, let's do it. The treehouse is great.

My dad built me a treehouse once between three trees. My dad built me a treehouse. Hung a fucking, really? Our dads were sick. Hung a fucking punching bag underneath so I could take out my hanger. My dad did that. Put hooks under it? Not in the basement, though.

Hung the ladder so I could unclip it and pull it back up so no boys allowed. Hung a bucket off of the rope so I could bring kitties up. Right. And throw them off. Oh, that's fun. Yeah. And you just stayed out there all day? All day.

Yeah. Yep. Well, I was too fat because if you unclip the ladder, it made it like this and I was too fat. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it always had to stay clipped. So I'd have to go, dad, unclip the ladder, it made it like this, and I was too fat. You know what I mean? So it always had to stay clipped. So I'd have to go, Dad, unclip the ladder,

and then I'd pull it up, and then I'd have to call him a few hours later. Bring me up a cheeseburger in the morning. Yeah, totally. Dad, get the crane. Okay, good. So this is good. This is positive.

But here's what happens with me is I'm really excited. Then tomorrow you'll be like, hey, let's do it. And I'll be like, I can't. No, me too. Because my anxiety will be like, you're not going to do it. What you have to do is tell somebody else, hey, let's do it. And I'll be like, I can't. No, me too. Because my anxiety will be like, you're not going to do it. What you have to do is tell somebody else, hey, million dollar idea. And then they'll make us do it. Right.

They'll make you do it. Ian's got it. Absolutely not. What the fuck? Do you know how long we've been saying we're going to box? Oh, yeah. Yeah. And it's just never happened.

Never happens. We're going to box to Sergio. Right. Would you ever like look back at your joke notebook? Like my joke, not even my notebook. And it's just turned happens. Never happens. Right. Would you ever like look back at your joke notebook? Like my joke, not even my notebook, because you know. And it's just turned into a sad journal. Well, no, my joke, like sometimes I write bits on my iPhone. So like that is saved since like 2012.

And there's certain bits that's like in caps, like work on this bit. And I still haven't done it. Yeah. 10 years later, I'm like, I don't do the bit anymore. But I'm like, I just don't even think about that. Yeah, it's fucked up. How do we deal with that? I go back and and i'm like this is gold if i actually just worked it out i'm just like i think it's it's one of those things where like you gotta at times be

like hey i'm doing okay in life i have gratitude but there's a lot if you don't remind yourself of that you can at any level in your life or any career you have be like i'm you can think that you're a piece of shit very quickly yeah yeah and think you're nothing very quickly yeah but i try to that's why i always try to be like at least once a week be like hey stop go be grateful you know whatever and i always try to go the reason why my mother taught me this the she was like always try to go to the same place once a year once every three or four years because because you'll always think about where you were at that time last year and you'll know am i doing better am? Am I doing, where do I feel? So for me, I actually do that with London. Every time I go to London, like I only go like once every four or five years. Cause

I'm like, just with comedy. Cause I'm like, let me see five years ago, where was I versus now? And then do that. But like more short term, like that's why I have a family. Like, you know, we'll go to like, we used to go to hershey pennsylvania yeah like every year i would remember like even as a kid like oh i was a little taller you know like whatever your goals were as a kid i was taller i can you know run faster now whatever so that's beautiful yeah i love that here's your park rules i that's the best that's like journaling too is you you write down when you're not just like getting your bad thoughts out or whatever, but when you're feeling good so that when you do feel bad, you can go back and see concrete proof of like, I felt great's like vital for our career, but I just, you know, and I know that it's like, you know, not everyone can do this.

I get it. But I just have someone who posts everything for me and I don't look at it at all. And I just trust in that person. Like, cause one of my friends, like what they, you just gave somebody your password. Like they can ruin. I'm like, then let them.

I don't, I don't, I don't care. I want cancer. I want it away from, I don't care what they do with it. I don't even care if they're like, Oh, the post is wrong. And I'll just text them and be like, Hey, just reword that. I don't care. I'm not, I'm like, I'm like, I'll either keep going. I'll either sell tickets or I won't. I've like, let it go. But, but, but what the, the thing that I've noticed is it's not only do I feel like

better about myself as a person, some getting off social media, from comparing myself to others, like getting away from comparing yourself to others has been huge. But even more what I noticed is comparing myself to myself. I would be on there

and then look at where I was four months ago and then feel inadequate. Oh, I looked better then. Or I feel your brain will be like, you had more back then you were doing better back then but it was like you just took the perfect angle of a picture or you took a picture you cared more than yeah whatever it is and it's like and then so I noticed like now I oh I don't compare me to me I don't I only like it's I'm very much in the present I'm very much

like well I care about what my family thinks I care about what the people in the present. I'm very much like, well, I care about what my family thinks. I care about what the people in the room think, but I'm not like so sucked into, you know, constantly looking at what others have and then making me feel like I don't have anything. Penny Roosevelt, comparison is the thief of joy. That's true. Bang. I want to say something now. Ian Fidance, I can also build things during the week too. I like in my neighborhood. I, the other day I was, I was on my motorcycle and I was coming to the cellar and then I saw, I live in the neighborhood.

I found out about my neighborhood that miss because I used to build stuff for rich people there and landscape there. So I was like this neighbor and I passed my old boss who like fired me because why did he fire me because he was switching to the jew yeah yeah he is a jew he's switching to an all mexican crew just like laborers and stuff but i was like man i like used to like that guy used to scare me and i would show up like just a couple years ago i'd be like and i like passed him and he was like carrying the mulch to somebody's yard and i was like on the motorcycle on my way to the cellar, living in one of the houses I used to work on.

And I was like, this is very nice. This is the best feeling. I can do that because I've been in New York City since 2003. So I go places. I go, I woke up on that. I was bleeding in the street over there. I was like a Talon Louie. That's a big one too.

Where they're like texting, being like, hey, can you? And I'm like, this is, I literally used to memorize every single word that you, you know what I mean? I used to do a tell when I was doing drywall with guys in Delaware. Yeah. Totally. It's crazy.

Yeah. I bought Ian's merch once. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Wow. What was the merch?

It's a t-shirt. T-shirt. Okay. Yeah. Good. I, um, I got some, if you want one Okay. Yeah. Good. I, um, I got some,

if you want one. I like, yeah, I'm a, I'm a large now. No, that's good. That I think,

I think, um, you know, yeah. Like, like it also too. One thing, like I would always like,

you got to sometimes I think like use something to like motivate you, even if it's not real, but you don't announce it to anyone. It's like you just create something in your brain that's not real. Maybe it's real. Maybe it's not. But it's like you have some type of motivation. And what I like, I would think I used to think like, you know, if I don't get something or something doesn't go my way and somebody caused me to not, I'd be like, I'm going to show that motherfucker X, Y and Z. but much like you with your boss by the time you passed your boss you didn't care not at all you let it go and that's usually what happens you use the motivation to get past them by the time you get there i'm like oh i don't care i'm not angry at them anymore so i wouldn't i'll not i'll just

keep moving on like yeah you know right totally that's why exes are the best yeah that's why it scares me to be in a long- term relationship too because so much of my motivation are you in one? single I'm with a guy who breaks up with me every other week so I don't feel comfortable saying that we're dating yeah it's really really fun I have a streak of gray hair

so yes yep why do you keep taking him back then? Low self-esteem. No, love him very much. Love him very much. He rules.

No, he doesn't. Why does he keep breaking up with you? He's terrible. What's like, is it, is it real? You think he just doesn't want to be in a relationship? She's a lot. Is he a contractor working on Staten Island? No, but he does.

He does. He does do carpentry. Okay. Well, cause I'm wondering if he's breaking up with you every time he has a job at my house. Jordan has two things in common with someone. She's like, it's love.

Yeah. No. The one thing that we have in common is we both hate me. And that's love. Yeah. You need to love yourself. You're great. Come here.

Come here. Come here. Great. You're great. No, but he just. Come here. Great. You're great. You're great. No, but he just is a, he just, he gets, you know, I am a law. I have OCD. I am, I become a detective who nobody hired when I'm in a relationship.

Yeah. She's like, you were looking at me and you blinked twice instead of once. Are you thinking about breaking everything? But as we both know, that wouldn't be the case if I was in a secure relationship where they're like, hey, I'm with you. Don't worry about it. But because he's broken up with me so many times now, I'm like. Yeah.

Yeah. So but I also understand it because I feel similarly when I'm in a relationship. All of a sudden you get that thought where you're like, but when is it going to end? It should end. It can't be forever. Should we stop it now? Yeah. So I get that feeling.

You're always waiting for the shoe to drop. I like. Yeah. But I also like the anonymity. I understand the feeling of wanting to be a solo ranger. stop it now yeah so i get that feeling you're always waiting for the shoe to drop i like yeah but i also like the anonymity i understand the feeling of wanting to be a solo ranger i do get it and he'll have these thoughts and then i'll panic or he'll be like well what if and i'm like well then let's just end it because if you have that thought we can't have it and he's like well if i'm having that thought and you just want to end it because then we should because of it so yeah we're both just fucked up i think though there is with relationships like that

it seems like there might be a time if you just stick it out, it just like goes away. That's what we're trying to do now. Yeah. Yeah. And you got to take the little wins of like the fact that he's even not dealing with. This is a public one.

Isn't it? Yeah, but no, no, I'm giving, I'm giving credit. I'm saying the fact that. I know,

but I don't want anybody to listen to me. Yeah, but you've already. But we're going to do is a little too vulnerable. No, no, no. Ethan's getting weird. Ethan's getting weird. Ethan's getting weird.

What time is it? He looks like he has AIDS. What time is it? Oh, it's 2.27. All right, I got three minutes and I got to go. Can I just say one thing? No, no, no. You got to celebrate the little wins and the fact that he's putting up with all the...

He's further than he was before before so that's a good sign you're worth being with I don't want to show but this is the I don't like this I don't like this where's the taser where's the taser

no no he's cheating on you with Ian I just tried to tase you I sucked him I sucked him. I've sucked him. I believe that. Ask how big his dick is.

Ask. Who? Your guys. How big is his dick? Probably down to here. Nice. What about you and your relationship? You want to talk about that? No, this has been a very fun podcast.

I want to reach out, but I'm gay. I know. I remember one time, Ian, I don't know. This might have been a couple of girlfriends ago where you were like talking about a girl. I remember I never met her, but you were like, I'm so in love and this and that. And I was like, dude, I'm so happy. And then I got in my car. I was like, Ian might commit suicide.

That woman is going to crush Ian. Like I like I saw a comic, a comic, I won't name him. A comic came into our podcast. The one I do with Sal Vulcano. Hey, babe. Like a couple of months ago comes in and he, you know, he's just met this, not met her, but they were dating for like two months. And like, right. Like before even the mics turned on, he was like, this is my girlfriend, whatever. He's like, we're trying to get pregnant pregnant we love each other like this and that and i was just like and it was like you know we did the podcast as soon as he left sal and i were like this is gonna end so bad he does and then it ended so bad you could just tell by how emphatically he was invested yeah yeah yeah and the only reason I know this is because I was that guy

and got smoked. I mean, smoked. And then it was just a learning lesson to be like crawling back to your family being like,

what happened? And my mom and dad were like, we told you, but my dad was like, you had to go through this on your own. He's like, he gave the perfect example.

He had perfect thing. And then it's, I still dealt with the pain for a few months. But he told me, he's like, it's only going to be chemicals. You drink a lot of water. You pee out those chemicals for this woman. You're not going to care about her in a year. And he was right. Not that you don't care about them.

You still care about them as a human. But I didn't care. It's not debilitating. But he said to me, he goes, what do I always tell you? He goes, I always told you, you know, you dodged a bullet with that girl. You always, what did I tell you? All your life, you dodged a bullet with that girl. You always, what did I tell you? All your life, you dodged a bullet. He goes, well, with this girl, you got shot.

You got shot. You got hit with that bullet. It doesn't feel good, right? He was like, it ain't fatal, but you got shot. He goes, so now you got to deal with that. And I was like, he was like, it doesn't feel good when you get shot. And I was like, yeah. And so now proceed with caution.

Now I feel like. Ethan with the crazy girl that you've been pursuing that nuts wild titty yes she's so hot i believe it and listen that's good i think go for that you're only gonna live once but you have to understand that it's gonna hurt when it's over it's really gonna hurt yeah but my thing hurt but i'm proud of how i've dealt with it and where i'm amazing with this one yeah thank you because there truly is love. And just right now is not the time. And, you know, you walked in the apartment and the first thing you said was,

there's been a lot of heartbreak here. I could feel it. I could feel the pain. We're okay. When I walked in, I said, this feels familiar from what I went through. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's why you just got to put on a good song,

feel good, hang out in the basement, and everything's all right. Thank you, Chris, for coming on. Thanks for coming. Get your sandwich. Thank you for having me. I'll take my sandwich. You want to plug anything?

Yes. ChristyComedy.com for Tiki Wikis. Cleveland, Florida. Just go to ChristyComedy.com for Tiki. Oh, Vancouver, California. We're coming out, and Ian's going to be on season two, maybe. Yep. Nope. Yep. Nope.

Yep. Cut it after before maybe. Thanks for tuning in. Patreon.com slash BeAnIanPop. We love you. Bye. We'll see you next time.