Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein’ Ian With Jordan Episode 029 : Cold Pricklies & Warm Fuzzies W/ Mike Cannon

Episode Date: February 20, 2023

As always , Thanks for listening! Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content ! https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod MIKE CANNON - THE GRAMERCY THEATRE FEB 25th: https://concerts.livenation.com/event/00005D62A92F2DCF?f_use_ras_unavailability=true&f_ras_manifest_attributes=true&f_tmol_prefix=true -Visit http://athleticgreens.com/SKA for a Free 1-year supply of Vitamin D -Support the show and get a 30-day free trial at https://DipseaStories.com/SKA -Support the show and get up to 33% off some sweet new metal art with the code SKA at https://displate.com/beinian?art=63da8bd82253d Follow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/ See Jordan Live! : https://www.jordanjensencomedy.com/upcoming-shows Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! : http://www.ianfidance.com/calendar Follow Mike Cannon on Instagram : https://www.instagram.com/iammikecannon/ See Mike Live ! : https://bio.site/mikecannoncomedy MIKE CANNON - THE GRAMERCY THEATRE FEB 25th: https://concerts.livenation.com/event/00005D62A92F2DCF?f_use_ras_unavailability=true&f_ras_manifest_attributes=true&f_tmol_prefix=true Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced by : Jordan Hayman Produced/Edited by: Ethan Dupree https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/

Hey everybody, thanks for checking out the show. Before we start, just want to give you a couple plugs. February 25th, go see Mike Cannon at the Gramercy Theater in New York City. He's a guest on the show today. It's a lot of fun. Go out, support him, enjoy it. And also, do me the favor of buying tickets to see me February 10th and 11th, Long Island Governor's Brokerage, that's right, and then February 15th, Fort Worth, Texas Hyenas. February 16th, Dallas, Texas Hyenas. February 17th and 18th, McAllister, Oklahoma. And the big one, the big kahuna, the big tuna,

the big fish in the sea that we're pulling onto the boat so we can feed everyone for a long time coming. February 19th, Hollywood Improv Los Angeles California come on out hear a joke have a smoke and let's have a good old time it's gonna be fun me Chappelle Lacey Rick Glassman Jamar Neighbors Lily Michelle and I'm closing it out running my hour and you better come out any of you don't I understand I get it but come on enfidance.com for tickets i'll see you there we appreciate it guys and go see jordan this weekend at laugh boston that's right she's not here or else she'd do her plugs so good luck next time bitch see you soon Telling jokes and having smokes

Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian being Ian

life is shit but you're positive let's find out what it's like to live a life being Ian being Ian with Jordan mine changes mine is like as of the last two weeks Mine changes.

Mine is like as of the last two weeks. Maybe longer. Who is it? Dua Lipa. What? Oh, Explore. Dude, I truly. Oh, mine's Bats.

It's always Bats. It's these guys. Bats? Yeah. Oh, let's see. Are we recording? It's Bats. What? Look at this little guy

that was a good one look at this little guy how is that not going to be your recurring he's like david tell he's so evil when he's so mine is bad it looks like the dog from lady and the tramp oh it's such an ugly mine is tattoos Weird It's rodents Horror film Things This hot chick with knives in her back Are the Uh oh Edit

Edit Alright Problematic Trans Pitbulls A lot of pitbulls Born star Oh

Oh here Oh my god This guy doing Oh Sidney Sweeney First one George Costanza Sidney Sweeney, first one. George Costanza. Sidney Sweeney from White Lotus slash Euphoria.

Hardcore bands. She's massively hot. Who is that? Sidney Sweeney. Oh, my God. Crazy. Crazy. Oh, my God. Yeah.

I'm going backwards. I'm like jerking off to Instagram like it's music videos. I'm out. I'm out on porn. I jerked off to the audible thong song when it came out. The audible? Cisco's voice just did that? When?

A year and a day? No, no, no. Just hearing that dress so scandalous. And then in my head, I was like, ooh, a scandalous dress. And then thong, thong, thong, thong. Yeah, in my head, I was like, ooh, a scandalous dress. And then... Yeah, we know what you conjured up in the lyrics. Okay, this is my explore page. A large, strong man with a boy.

That makes sense. From the knives to that, it kind of... Ooh, that dress so scandalous. Jay is getting a lot of down syndrome because we talk about it. I'm getting a lot of freaks. That's all right. I get a lot of anorexic girls. I get a lot of down syndrome because we talk about it. I'm getting a lot of freaks. That's all right. I get a lot of anorexic girls. I get a lot of tattoos.

Do you not explore? Do you not go on that? Oh, I got a little mask on his little face. I get a lot of those. Look at him. You and David Attenborough have the same explore page. He's washing his little face. Man, that is actually, I'm really down with that.

How cute was Samson? Okay, yesterday, what happens? Can I tell a story, please? Yeah. I've already told it three times. Okay. On the pod? No, to people.

Oh, nice. Within the last nine hours. I love that. He has a cat. The cat to me, the cat to me has always been. I'm like the hype man. Okay. He's your proof.

He's proof to your M&M. I see. I see. I see. Thank you. Yeah. The cat to me has been, has always been... Every third word he echoes. It's crazy. Let me make a beat. No, no, no, no, no. I get it. The cat has always

been like just a judgy Judy in the corner just like this for years. Okay. Can I years okay and reject no no no absolutely not so he and then if i try and get near him he skitters away and i've kind of just been like all right just get it you're a fucking angry right hasidic jew i don't like you okay he runs away he is he has let me interject on that no no no you can't so then he's been coming out more and more towards me. Ah, big deal.

We don't make any sudden movements. Last night, we got the new nails. I go into the bedroom. I say, it's okay. He goes, huh? You see him start to lurch? And I go, it's okay. In Spanish.

And then he settles in. I scratch his face. I scratch him. I scratch him. He's getting so into it. It's crazy. And then I reach for the belly and I rub his belly. Both legs go out straight.

Both arms go up in the air. And I go, and I go, Ian, I didn't know he was a, Ian pops up behind me and goes, you didn't know he was a long guy. And I was like, I didn't know it was a long. And then we sat there and rubbed Samson's belly for a good five minutes. Oh, he looks weird. Let me see. Fuck you.

No, he does. You're fucking 30 and you have gray hair. Fuck off. He doesn't look weird it looks objectively weird for sure i'm not saying that it's like kill it i'm just saying look how long that cat cut i know i never saw that that's what's weird right then traumatized these are weird but i mean you're you're equating weird with bad because people used to stare and chant weird at you as a fucking middle schooler but i'm looking at that weird and chant weird at you as a fucking middle schooler. But I'm looking at that.

Weird and bad. Weird both in, weird and bad. Okay, to add to your point, he's not judgy. He's a lot like you. People go, look at her judging in the corner. But you're hating yourself. He's a scared guy because he was found at an engine block in Brooklyn under a car.

And he was scared. And I was his mother. Do you know how many kids from this neighborhood wish they had that origin story? Yeah, totally. Yes. They dress like an engine block cat. They call themselves engine block. Oh, I legit thought you were meaning Puerto Rican kids.

I was like, no, they do. No, no, like Williamsburg. Oh, the ones that moved you. The Shawshank Redemption rich kids. Like kids that are here from Greenwich, Connecticut, but are pretending to have like faded old. Here on the last podcast, I said that you on Vice dressed like Shawshank Redemption, which I thought was a great look. And I just used it again. I said that you dress like a cast member from all that.

About her? About you. About me? No. On the Vice show that I wasn't allowed to. No. But I promised a season two. Okay.

I don't see what I'm doing. I forgot to ask who was the person on that show that they said sucked. Oh, there was a couple. Whisper time. Whisper time. Mic's down. No, I can't while the cameras are rolling.

He's a DP. I'm heavily involved in this. Can you write it down? I can't even have it be a physical piece of evidence. Talk it into the shofar. I need every job I can get. Say it into the shofar and it'll come out Jewish. Is that a Jewish instrument?

Mark, why isn't it? And it'll come out and be like, do you want to chase yourself? Did they play that after they blow a baby and his fresh wound? Yeah, that's how they suck the blood off the baby's wound. This is not good. Actually, they don't do that because they want lip-to-lip contact. Anyway, what happened to you as a kid?

You were molested by a... You used to massage your teacher's feet? So we were talking about it before the cameras were rolling because I didn't think that you were like a kooky male lady me and Nelly who's sitting over there we got them together yesterday it was a big deal

I wanted to be able to scratch my own head so that I don't need a partner those are fake nails on top of your nails oh god longer it like legitimately fucks me up. That's nails on a chalkboard to me. Oh, okay, so maybe it's a sensory thing.

Oh, oh, so my head's like a chalkboard? Is that what you mean? It is white and flaky. Nice. First she came from my cat and I said nothing. Okay, so did somebody finger bang you? Maybe. I mean, let's get to the bottom.

I think we should try to get to the bottom of it. Can you watch this? I've been... Nelly, watch this. The tips of my... Here, does this satisfy you? Tell us you sucked on the show! Dude, that is legitimately terrifying.

You don't get how scary it is. You can't threaten people that close. You can't. It really is scary. Give it to me. Sensory overload time! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, tap in pen yeah yeah sorry i ate i feel energy no i don't like when you have because you threaten with it and it's really not okay what when i threaten you it's because i want to threaten me oh oh dude Why'd you do that? Give me the taser. No, no, no. I need to calm. Do you know what's happening? No, no, no.

It's waterproof. All right, all right. Take it. Whoops. Sorry. Is that just a flashlight then? Dude, that is, yeah, that's terrifying. That's probably the closest. Do you want to do it?

It feels good. It does feel nice. No, to myself? Yeah. Okay. Nobody's ever said yes. Yeah. I think I would say yes immediately. Maybe maybe for patreon maybe i'll do it for patreon oh that's a weird patreon.com i'm giving myself time thing that people won't see how about that yeah how about that i'll do

the hard thing for the invisible thing let's do it wait so so you a teacher made you massage her feet no so yes she didn't make me what so what where that came from was i made a mention about the nails i said that i have a nail thing does this suck for you because you have children cigarettes that he smokes no i don't care okay i smoke weed yeah okay it sucks more that because i quit smoking cigarettes but no i'm fine okay um but yeah i used to have this weird thing where I wouldn't let my mom touch me if her nails were painted. And like, you know, the more you dive into that,

the very clear on the surface area is that somebody... That you got molested during coloring time? Yeah. Somebody with nail polish did a deep dive into my nails. Someone really put the finger in finger paint. You're just dripping finger paint. Dude, you know what I also wouldn't do? I was like a little homophobe.

When I was three years old or four years old, we had to make like a Valentine for our mother. And they put on lipstick and we'd like kiss the paper to be like love, whatever. And I was like, get that fucking homo shit out of my face. You're like a black dude that's like, they're making us wear dresses. I kind of agree with that, though. If I was was in third grade I would be the little rebel I was in third grade I was like three or four years old yeah I was really young I was really young but also it is a weird thing because I was playing sports already I was hanging out with older boys so there was definitely some sort of like three or four yeah my whole block was older my niece is four and

i could imagine her being like i was a feral kid too is we were i was outside at the end of my driveway from two years old on oh and just like watching all the older boys play sports and shit yeah three or four i had a four-year-old the other day i went whoa cool and she went are you a boy or a girl it was so it was so good that's me walking around the village yeah are you a boy or a girl? It was so good. That's me walking around the village. Are you a boy or a girl? I'm a boy or a girl. Are you a boy or a girl? She pulled out some action figure, and I was like, whoa!

And you saw her just be like, how did the boy's voice come out of your voice? Are you a boy or a girl? Tell me now, you lion sack of shit. At parties, I used to run out doing the man gina, and I'd go, am I a boy or a girl? I know that's like a hate crime now, but it was really bad and weird. Now my kid asks that when we go to Trader Joe's and like whoever's working behind the register, he's like, dad, is that a woman or a man?

What do you say? I just say, what do you think, buddy? Yeah. And that's good. Put it back on him. Weird deflection. No, it's not. Now the child just has to deduce.

What are your gender blind spots? Yeah. They're like, can you teach me this math problem? I was like, why don't you tell me what you think the answer is? Turn that paper into the teacher. It's on you, bitch. You know what I mean? Yeah.

You got to be like, it doesn't matter. I have told them I don't know. Say that's Trader Joe. Like I have said that. Say that's Trader Joe every time. That's Trader Joe. Oh, that's not bad. that's Trader Joe every time. That's Trader Joe. Oh, that's not bad. That's what my mom used to do.

That's Danny Wegman. I love the innocence of children. My buddy was telling me he was like a four-year-old and they're like, they went somewhere and like one of their friends in like another country was like an incredibly like dark African, like black man. And the little boy was looking at him and they were

like outside and he was like chocolate man chocolate man you're gonna melt get out of the sun be safe come here come here like wanted him in the shadow so he wouldn't get hurt that's very sweet yeah it was like so sweet but it was like the most innocent thing ever. He called him chocolate. The guy finally comes over. He's like, get in the dark so the cops can't see you. That's so good. He just becomes

really racist. He's like, make sure you don't smile so they don't see you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Floating teeth, man. don't see you yeah yeah yeah oh floating teeth man that's really cute right that's like my niece when i was sad the other day she goes she goes why are you sad she's a little mafia baby she goes why are you sad and i was like i was like i'm okay i just want to be happy like you and she goes you want to do what i do and i was like yeah

what do you do and she goes i wake up in the morning and then she walked out of the room and i was like that is the most grab myself a gun i wake up in the morning like she was just like i fucking put my pants on and go to work i don't fuck around i don't fuck around responsibilities and people depend on me you know what's funny as a child you have so much innocence and everything is fun and you have like sober fun. And like, remember just like putting your head on a bat and spinning around and getting dizzy for giggles. And then life beats you down. And then in order to get back to that innocence, everyone just chooses to do like drugs and alcohol.

Because that's the closest to being a kid you can. Can I tell you? No. The taser helps. The taser helps. Oher helps oh i blow this please don't do it no i won't that was a joke no for some people i mean because to me watching my son he's not sober like he's he's three he's not sober dude he's lit up lit on life like has all of this is so new he's developing faster than it will ever develop. For sure.

And yo, he's like, that like rule of whatever is like, he's just growing exponentially by day. He is on hallucinogens every day. What I'm finding. What is the sun, dude? And I'm like, I know. But what I'm finding is if you can get back to that innocence without drugs, without alcohol,

and maintain a childlike wonderment, you do get joy of like, wow, the sun. I get there sometimes. I feel like I'm like that as an adult, like 30 years later, gotten back to this joy, fun, play. It's fun, man. I love it. You are a man child. We have to clean this house. What?

We have to clean up this house. We do. You've gotten a little out of control. We have. Yeah, you have. You upstairs? I have. I'm in the throes of the, I have to examine this trauma.

That's the point I'm in. I'm done. I'm done obsessing and analyzing myself like a rabbi reads the Torah. But I never have. And there's a lot in there. Oh, so you're a first timer. I'm a first timer. You're poking around.

I've been like, fuck you fucking nerds. I don't give a fuck. And now I'm just ruining my life. Well, that's what comes with time and age. Now, let's get back to that joke I made. I'm done examining myself like a rabbi analyzes the Torah. That's a good reference. How is that good?

That wasn't a joke, was it? Can we talk about when you said he doesn't know what a back... DeStefano is on here. That was like more of a simile than a joke. It's like unbelievable. Listen to this joke. DeStefano is anagram for simileous smile? DeStefano's here. He says that his wife is unattracted to him because the contractor is putting up a backsplash.

And she's like, you don't even know what a backsplash is. And then later we unveiled that she's just fucking him. And I was like, talk about backsplash. I see you splashing all of her back nobody said anything nobody said anything and I'm glad you brought it up now and I owe you this that was really

fun that just hit me in all the right spots it really hurt me when that one got overlooked it really does Nelly are you horrified with what you're getting involved in? Nellie looks so disturbed. Doesn't she look producer level, though? She does.

She's producer level. Nellie's taking it in, and she'll laugh later. I've only seen half of Nellie's face like Wilson in Home Improvement so far. I'm just kind of trying to peek around. Seems lovely, though. No, it's great. Can I give you peek around. Yeah. Yeah. Seems lovely though. Yeah. No, it's, it's great. Can I say, can I give you a compliment? Yeah.

Because I have, bringing me back to like childlike glee and wonder, I've gotten a lot of that back from even just having a kid and being able to just re-enjoy the shit you enjoy as a kid. And also it's, the whole thing is trippy as shit because I, he looks so much like me. I'm watching me see life for the first time. Yeah. So I get to give them the life and love you didn't have. Correct.

However, so with that, I've dove deep into myself in an effort to be more childlike and more happy and more like let fun in and silly. And you have been a go to for me in terms of a person who I feel lives. Obviously you have wild downswings, but you're generally, but generally you're, you're so enthusiastic and a pleasure to be around. That means a lot. I appreciate that. One thing that helped get there is I like you are starting that. I have been doing that for a while and it is a lot of like self. There's a very fine line between self-reflection and self-obsession. But once you get past that, you break through to this like beautiful thing where you're like grateful for the trauma, you're accepting of it. And one thing that did help was I was taking a picture of myself as a child and writing to that kid.

And like, dude, I'm talking years ago. I did a group thing with like two of my buddies. Do you have those letters? Because you should read them on the podcast. No. Let's call Dervla. Let's call Dervla. Oh, my God.

So years ago, I did a thing where we had to write letters to ourselves, me and my two buddies, sober friends, in, like, a group, like, whatever, like a man-building thing. Sure. And, dude, they read their letter. Wait, like one of these things on Instagram where it's like, seize your alpha. No, no, no, no, no.

It was like a recovery thing. Get your testosterone back. No, it was like a recovery thing. Why did you say man-building? I don't know, because it was like a recovery thing testosterone back yeah it was like a recovery thing man building i don't know because it was like men don't really share that part of themselves so and they did theirs and dude i could not put words together it just so much anger i couldn't access that that i got up and i left and i didn't go back and I couldn't do it. And then in years and years of work of like trying to talk to that kid and like see him and like access that like really helped, man. It was like,

I walked out on hypnotism cause they were like, now put your child, put yourself in the room. And I left and never came back. I came to or whatever it was. I came out of it. And I was like, fuck that. Fuck everything you're doing here. This is some witch shit. yes fuck you and I left I don't know about so I have a thing where I I'm forever that kid and that's how I

view myself even in the world to the point where like socially sometimes I'm very diminutive and just kind of like or at least I feel that way like I feel like I can't break out of that I like the idea of just being like I am that kid that was a nice thing I was talking about last night when somebody was talking about open relationships I feel like I can't break out of that. I like the idea of just being like, I am that kid. That was a nice thing I was talking about last night when somebody was talking about open relationships.

I was like, there are moments where I'm like, I can do that. I can fuck whoever, you fuck whoever, I'm cool. But I was like, I also have to take care of the other half of me that is a scared child. The strong Jordan has to take care of that Jordan. And be like, even though I'm fine with it now, she's going to be mad at me later for saying this, so no. Yeah, but I do that socially all the time. oh, I'm fine with it now. She's going to be mad at me later for saying this. So, you know. Yeah.

Yeah. But I do that socially all the time. But then to like because I think that has hurt me to a point to where it's like I still have just arrested myself in that position. And then I feel like not as good as or equal to people that I'm talking to or anything like that. So I've actually pictured that kid. into or anything like that. So I've actually pictured that kid. I've detached it entirely from me and I've ran through my life story as if it was happening

to this person as a character and then like grew them up in my brain because of what they went through. And then I like tried to take it after and like put it to me where I was like, no, that was you. Like, you know, those are all objective things that this kid, you, this kid went through and now they're an adult. Treat yourself like you treat your friends kind of thing. Treat yourself like you treat your friends.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. That's awesome. Yes, I know. You know what's kind of cool? Yeah. Is I feel like, not to get on like, hey, you know, but I don't know why I did that, but I'll just say it.

It's a crutch. As. Yeah, yeah. I do a podcast with Sagalow. Oh, yeah, lot of italian voices oh yeah when he reads out of things he say this kind of comes out i love it i love the clip of you and sagalow oh yeah yeah yeah no hey i use a couple things i use a crutch i use a beard yeah um but i feel like as comics we are analyzing and thinking so at a certain point in order to get better on stage you have to start analyzing your own life and it gets us same with people in recovery like we're given a gift that a lot of people just kind of float by and they

don't think of and i think it's cool especially talking about this publicly it taps into things that other people feel and they don't even know that that's available right so like it's it's cool, especially talking about this publicly. It taps into things that other people feel and they don't even know that that's available. Right. So like it's it's cool by just living our lives and then naturally evolving to this level. Other people can see that and get there. Like, I don't know. It's like a really cool thing. And I don't think if I wasn't a comic, if I wasn't in recovery, I would ever be able to do any of this.

Yeah. I mean, you have a you and I'm not sure what your relationship is to them, but you have an interesting relationship with your fans because they are also similarly damaged people as our mind. But yours is a very specific thing. And also you are like openly kind of like helping each other. And also you are like openly kind of like helping each other and being there for each other, which is cool. That's a kind of a cool relationship you've established. I don't necessarily feel comfortable doing that because I feel like it weirds me out sometimes. And at the same time, I'm like, man, I'm like after shows and talk to people. Yeah. Yeah. In the city.

I just don't like going home. And so I will hang and smoke. Ian sometimes just comes down to the studio, flicks on the cameras, and then just does a solo. Never to be released. After shows, I mean, Mateo Lane was like, dude, he was like, I feel bad about it sometimes. But it is work to hang and talk to people afterwards. And I just did so much work. And I do feel similarly where after I mean, it was nice.

I get a hardcore show. A kid came up to me and was like, you and Ian are sober or you and Ian don't drink. And that's awesome for me because I don't drink. You guys think weed is gay and I'm trying to quit weed. And you guys saying weed is gay made me feel good about it. And that was nice. But after a show for me, I'm fucking zoinked. I feel so high that I wanted to keep going.

And at the same time, I feel like a debt of gratitude that people are coming out and spending a night, spending time. And I go out and talk to people. Yeah. I don't go hang out like I don't do the go to drinks or anything like that. No, never. Never. I keep it at the venue and then I go away. I'll never.

Me and my feature play a fun game of hide. Yeah. I'm very in debt. Like I feel that a lot of gratitude because I mean, I know, I know what it's like to not be able to work. And I know what it's like to not be invited to headline places and, you know, all that shit. So the fact that people are coming out is like, yeah, it's unreal.

Yeah. At the same time, I have thought have thought like man i do give that to you know people and stuff and then like i get a balance to be like give that to myself and also like man am i choosing that over like giving that to like a love relationship yes but okay moving on you look like shit today she's wearing your shirt you look great you do look great so about the nails you sucked your teacher's toes i did no so in kindergarten was that nice yeah is everything going is everything okay i talked about massages on stage that we were talking about where we're like just do the head scratchies like fuck my calves just do the head scratchies yeah that resonated

with people also resonated with people and I said you know how you say they say do you want it hard or soft and you say hard and then they take it as a double dare to ruin your life yeah that's real right yes you're like bro come on you know what I mean it's like Thai places when they're like spicy or like spicy. And it's like, you know, I'm not from where you're from.

Just do it like it's here, man. When I say spicy, I'm like, okay, fine, here's a glass of milk and no food. We get it. You came here on a raft. Your tongues are stronger. I get it. Your tongues are stronger. I get it. I get it.

Okay, so you sucked your teacher's toes. Again, yes. No, when I was in kindergarten, I massaged my teacher's feet. And she was 24 years old. Smoking hot. Like, I guess just finished whatever. Coming. Her name was 24 years old. Nice. Smoking hot. Like, I guess, just finished whatever.

Coming. Coming. Her name was Miss Racine. No. No relation to Mike. Let's call him. Yeah. Well, I looked her up recently.

Or not recently. Like, 10 years ago. Okay, yeah. With my mom. Yeah. Well, because all of this. So, I talked about this with people. And in my family, it was normalized.

In, like, other conversations, it was normalized. And then I talked about it on stage as in my family, it was normalized and like other conversations it was normalized. And then I talked about it on stage as like a throwaway mention. Stage will tell you the truth. And people were like, Whoa, dude, you're molested. Like,

that's like, did she ask you to do it? I don't think so. I think, why am I saying that? Why did I definitely blame a child? It was like not bare feet. It was like black pantyhose.

So like I had the most potent five-year-old erection on earth i was like fucking dizzy just like just just nodding up her feet wait a minute you were in kindergarten kindergarten with like a bullet dick like i could move a couch with my boner it was that fucking she was 24 24 yeah and what was she how did she get moaning no she was a reading to the class so she this would be during story time and i'd sit at her feet and i think it got to the point where like other kids would like kind of join in and like then they did whatever but i definitely started it and i definitely did it a bunch. You know what? I will say... We also just put her name out there. Oh, yeah.

No, good, good. I will say... She's been married since then. I will say as like a... You think that's the problem? You think her marriage? I'm talking about the cops, dude. I'm talking about the police.

As like a teacher, I can imagine she's probably like, at least he's not getting up and wandering around. Whatever, go play. Probably. That's an interesting point. That's an interesting point. I can imagine she's probably like, at least he's not getting up and wandering around, whatever, go play. Probably. Whatever to keep these kids, whatever.

I thought it was a situation where she's like, Michael, why don't you sit under the desk and massage my feet? She's just sticking her toes in my mouth. Oh God. That was my, that was my. No,

it was like public during story time and stuff. But that was my thing for not being touched by women. I was telling him off camera that Nellie, who I've grown up with, I slept in her bed the other night and she's gay and in her sleep. She just she reached over. Stop it. She just reached over and went like this while she was fully asleep and just scratched my head. and just scratched my head. And I got up out of the bed,

walked into the kitchen, ate a spoonful of Nutella immediately, which is an anxiety thing for me, and got and sat and laid on her couch. And she popped up and was like, what are you doing? And I was like, you touched my head. And she goes, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I didn't. And I was like, you did.

And I was like, you lightly scratched my head. And she's like, I'm so sorry because I have a thing with women touching me because one of my mom's ex-girlfriends, toes in the mouth. Yeah. Toes in the mouth when i was like racine does to his kid what racine does that to his kid racine sticks his toes in his kid's mouth and his kid's like yeah but a baby is fine i was like how old was i with with why were you doing yeah how old was i then oh why were you doing that you're right like

six five or six why were you doing that she was tickling me and the tickling got here and I was begging her to stop you know when you're being tickled but you're crying begging yeah and then but you're laughing and they think you're like having fun but I was begging please please please and she also she's like too touchy and then she started putting my toes in her mouth I can't believe this and I it tickled so bad and I was crying and then she stopped and then I had my first panic attack where everything in the room I don't know if you guys have panic attacks where everything gets really small whoa and everybody's talking to you like this and they're like are you okay is everything going on and ever since then get out the tunnel vision and ever since then I have panic attacks

yes dude yes I know crazy and she didn't think it was anything bad at all isn't that nuts and I only realized this like five years ago I was hanging out with one of my buddies and we were talking about it and you know

she did something like she went and you know we've been friends for a long time she did something and I had this like and I was like I'm really sorry I want to be able to deal with that like men can touch men can finger bang me you know you can fucking pull my I literally would be fine with it it is just women

it's a hundred percent wow like when like the difference between like the Stefano just now and us taking a picture, it's like no problem. But like Sherry and us taking a picture. Oh, you did look uncomfortable. I just am like that with all of them. It makes sense though.

That totally makes sense. Mine transcends sex because I remember even when like my dad would like reach over to like lock the door and I was like six and i'd just be like yes like dude i don't know what it is dude but maybe you have the thing where i have the same thing where to me if you like maybe at a young age we got in our head about incest uh-huh you know what i mean like somebody showed us something because i've always been like when people when my dad was like kiss me goodbye i would always be like and like kisses on the lips i used to call my dad gay yeah for kissing my sister on the lips i was like fucking seven dude i don't know your son yeah yeah yeah i do see yeah i think you have to but there is something weird about

wet lit like i just i don't love it yeah i love him but i i kiss him like i i kiss him everywhere i do not kiss him on the lips a lot. Yeah. And when I do, I'm kind of like, I should feel this weird about it, but I feel weird about it, man. Yeah. Hey, everybody. Ian here. I need to know what's your love language, physical touch, time with your partner.

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Let's get back to the show. This is who I am now. Sebastian Maniscalco stuff on his kids. Have you watched that? No. Man. It's good. It's just amazing. He's a? No. Man. It's good. He's just amazing.

He's a funny guy. Yeah. He's good. When he talks about putting cologne on his son's ear and he goes, just a touch. I'm trying to become female Maniscalco. That's cool. I really am doing my best. I'm on stage doing a lot of Italian stuff.

I think these nails will help. That will help. Yeah. Yeah. I think the nail thing for you, I will say as much as you were molested, people do have willies about things especially nails is cold pricklies and the warm fuzzies that's what we were told things and actions give you either the cold pricklies don't touch or the warm fuzzies that feels nice and i

was also told the only people that are allowed to touch you are your parents and your doctor. It's okay. All right. Well, okay. It does sound like you were in a class for autistic people. Like, it does sound like you were in a class for retards. No offense. No offense. I'm just saying if I was a retarded teacher, I would be like, okay, something's still really bad.

Something's still good. Don't let people molest you because you're retarded no it's just good to let kids know that i told my i had my first defend yourself conversation with my son yesterday i'll never forget mine like i'm him because he he was telling me about how a boy in his class wouldn't stop holding on to him and he was like grabbing his arm and he was and he told him to stop and he told the teacher and the teacher was across the room and she was walking over to get him to stop but the boy wouldn't stop and my son said he felt helpless and i said and i go i was like do you know what to do when that happens and he goes push him off and i go you have my permission to push him off i was

like if somebody puts their hands on you yeah and you don't want them to touch you and they do not respond to your words you have my permission to physically remove them from your body yeah and he was like like batman and i was like like batman i was like he did say like that kid up yeah i want to fuck that kid up yeah have you seen his child no even entering that world like the because there's no recourse right you can't yell at kids obviously being a parent but my first i i get like so viscerally angry at shad my son being bullied to where like a buddy he's on the side buddy uh his five-year-old kid was shitty to my son he was like can i play with you and he goes no i'm older than you and i don't know who you are and I almost was like

okay I'm gonna beat the fuck out of your dad in front of you like I immediately wanted to just lace his father up while making eye contact with the fat little five year old and be like this is your fault this is your fault you have nice eyes thanks man yeah we should

be able to do that laughs laughs laughs Yeah, we should be able to do that. Thanks, man. God, Ian. You can't even make it through one masculine statement. Just, we should be able to kick the shit out of dads. I want to put it in your head.

Man, you got the amount of scalp going down, dude. I can't turn it off. It's a problem. It's a problem. You're going to be on the stage of scalp going down, dude. I can't turn it off. It's a problem. It's a problem. You're going to be on the stage at the cellar doing this and people are like, I'm joking that I am. I can't stop. This is what I've been doing. I go, what are we talking about? What are we doing?

I can't stop. I can't stop. It's crazy. I used to do it with Louis where I'd watch so much Louis that I would just sound like him. It's good that I'm a woman because we all mimic and we have to stop ourselves from mimicking but I can just do men. I did a lot of Louis. A lot of the over. What's the hand that he does?

This one? He's always in the hand. Oh yeah, he does do that. I've been listening to a lot of his old O&As when he talks about his kids because when he first started talking about his kids they were about my son's age. And he has such like solid parenting stuff that I, I've just listened to all of his old shit.

It's really great. That's so sweet. Yeah. His kids are hot. Are they? Oh, I actually kitty. Yeah.

I haven't seen, I haven't met Mary, but kitty is babe. Super babe. Beautiful. Kind of mall gothy. Okay. Yeah.

I resonated. I was like, I know what you're doing here. I know what you're doing and I like it. Yeah, I had a weird dad. I get it. You know what I mean? My sister's a little mall gothy. Well, yeah, she was. She went through that phase. It's a great phase. Now she's more bohemian goth.

Wow, what is that like? That is Kingston, New York. Like right up up there rosendale and yeah but what is bohemian god like kind of very very like flowery but also a little edge rock star she's an insane musician oh i thought you meant like her like beaded curtains zoe kravitz yeah there you go i haven't had sex in so long i yeah that's not true you're just telling us a story no yeah you just were no oh you jacked yourself off yeah that's right but while something else was happening what else was happening sex the man was massaging me

yeah we can call that sex no that's a sexual act. It's not sex. I did not have sexual relations. I don't want to. Are you abstaining? I think so. I haven't had sex in four years. What? She has sex once every election cycle.

Wait, why? Obama? That's a callback to a couple episodes. Exact interaction. I just don't believe in it. I mean, I am a big fan, and I noticed it. I just didn't believe in it I mean I am a big fan and I noticed it I just didn't want to tip my hat I just didn't want to let you guys know but I fanned out a little bit

when you did that we get it oh my god what should we call it is there a reason you're not having sex for four years I'm sure you've touched on it. Because men keep hurting my feelings. I see. She's lying.

Every time I have sex with a man. Four years, no way, though. She walks in and she's like, man, so much sex, I can't walk. I feel like I've heard you talk about sex recently. I don't even know what sex is. Liar. Liar. I probably can't go three days without having sex.

Liar, liar. No kidding. Pants on fire. No! Oh, sorry. You know what? With the threatening thing, it's not fucking good it makes us scream into the fucking things in the last episode you wanted to get raped so i'm trying

to help you stop it doesn't feel good it doesn't feel good to be threatened you're right you're giving me the cold i'm giving off the cold pricklies yes you're on out you're on my doctor one day there's going to be like a legitimate assault on this show and nobody's going to be able to tell the difference. You're going to do like the Leo and the Departed thing where he asks you if you're on your period and you're going to smash a fucking glass over his face. It's just going to look so sick

on camera. Yes, great movie. Like, do we stop? I'm like, keep rolling. It's just like gushing blood. Save it for the pod. Have you seen Barbarians? Speaking of Cold Smash I'm on the fence about that movie I hated it

Liked it I'm a big pussy When it comes to scary movies Really? Gory scary movies though Maybe you should suck on a towel It'll make you feel better The menu was the worst movie ever made.

You didn't like it? Menu, I did not like. No kidding. I saw the menu. It was for service industry people. It was for, did you see the menu? Yeah, first of all, that woman can suck a dick. Have you ever heard of the triangle face?

I like her. She looks like old N64 graphics. Like where the face is too pointy. Oh my. She looks like she was in Turok. Holy shit. Wow. Very good.

That's exactly what she looks like. Is that Star Fox? Oh my god. I need to pull up Star Fox. That might be really exactly. You owe me a ha ha. Wow. You don't like her though? I find her attractive because of the weirdness.

I hate her. Everyone that's always like, their weird thing is hot. I don't like yet. That's probably the thing people like about me. For sure. You don't like A.C. So you don't like slightly that's probably the thing people like about me for sure yeah you don't like it so you don't like like slightly off another example i mean see i don't even consider it weird but like somebody like young barbara streisand oh yeah that's not weird like no i know that's but that some people would say that's not classically attractive hottest in the world young share

oh yeah she's a transness about her that I like. She's fucking hot now. I like to be kept guessing. I bet her vagina is still smooth and naturally wet. You know what I mean? Here's a topic. You know what I mean, Jordan? Smooth and naturally wet as opposed to a naturally?

Yeah, she's 70. Most 70-year-olds have to gob up their clam with some extracurriculars. I'm really scared of aging. I'm scared of aging. I'm really scared of it. Is this true that Aretha Franklin is now offensive because her song Natural Woman? Oh, here's what I think.

Y'all need to get off Twitter. OK, it's ruining. Yes, I agree. It's ruining yes i agree it's ruining your brain can i say because nobody thinks i think it's a psyop i think it's a psyop that a twitter account that just started in january of 2023 is like the trans alliance for la la they came out and were like this song is offensive to people because not all women are natural yeah that's like part of and then it started to pick up steam and then it became a thing they do that intentionally to sow civil unrest like yes it's a sign up it's not real

nobody gives a shit and now people do because it's been put in their. It's not fucking real. It's the same as Sandy Hook. Yeah. Yeah, it's the exact same thing. Babble.com slash Scott. Learn a new language. Learn how to say edit in Spanish. Edito. Edito, Sandy Hook. I don't got the way, you know. You did the expressive opinion of Mike Cannon himself,

and if the cameras are off i would agree yo no but that's like the animals having the animals the children having litter boxes and stuff that's a whole made-up thing isn't it isn't that not real where kids are identifying as animals and then kids hear about it like i'll do it yeah right's crazy. Yeah. I would shit in a box of sand. I have. If I was a kid. I guarantee that's true. No, no, no.

You've never been so alone here with your cat that you also shit in a box during the pandemic. A hundred million percent I've thought about it, but I never did it. Dude, during the pandemic, I would have done it. Really? A hundred. If I was here by myself with a cat. Dude, two days into the pandemic, you dyed your hair. Yeah.

That was early. I bleached my hair. Then I dyed it pink. Then I dyed it purple. Yeah. Wow. I dyed it all different colors. All the deep end.

Yeah. Immediately. While I was living at my in-laws and my father-in-law was radicalizing by the day. And I was so wild to watch. Dude, both my wife and my mother-in-law were like, cool, Mike, you got this? I'm like,

do I? Give me a 500 milligram edible and then I just listen. And then I just would listen. He was getting radicalized by But I would, the thing is, is I'm a conspiracy guy. I love it. I used to host a podcast deep inside the rabbit hole.

I used to listen to that and then your co-host made it used to listen to that. And then your co-host made it on. Yeah. Well, because he went into like Dave Weiss, who is still flat earth, Dave, he's known around the conspiracy circles. He's D I T R H.

So he still is using the show for his game, but he, he became a flat earther and it became every other conversation became impossible because flat earth basically infiltrates everything. The problem with Flat Earth, I have a Flat Earth friend. And the problem is that you get down to all of it and you're like, OK, what about this? What about the surface area? What about and then it goes like this.

What about the science? And they go, well, it's Satan trying to convince you. And you're like, well, what do we do now? Well, and it's a war of math attrition. It's because somebody's knowledge is going to run out and their questions are going to keep going and my ability to do math is like the the proof of how to like of how the earth curves is really complex and probably like it's not put an ant on all you have to say is ant on a yoga ball on a yoga ball the ant sees a fucking flat surface but i mean the actual composite shape of the earth like by math And the fact that it's

it might not be. But then you get into weird conversations where it's like not a perfect ball it's an oblate spheroid and What's it matter? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter at all. Why do we care? The point is that I was for sale. I was for sale. I was willing and able to be

a conspiracy theorist because I had personal trauma that I was looking to blame with other things. That's where it all stems from. Of course it does. And he failed doing so. He failed selling me on it. I got failed to sell on it because he said Satan. What's it got to do with Satan?

Your father-in-law. Oh, so I had already watched all the videos that he was watching. So he would like bring a thing to me and I just finish his sentence. And I'm like, yeah, tell me when you're up to chapter 12, like get the fuck out of here, dude. This is beginner hack shit. Like let's get to the Boston Marathon. Dude, I had a buddy send a Bible and a flash drive with all these conspiracies on it.

Crazy stuff. Kurt Metzger and me the other day getting into a whole conspiracy thing. Dude. He knows Dave. He knows about Ukraine. Uh-huh. And what is it? And them actually being Nazis?

Well, just that the U.S. is having a proxy war with Russia so that we can export oil to Europe instead of Russia to Europe. Does that make sense? That's probably part of it. I mean, my conspiracy is that Hunter Biden was in with the Ukrainians so that now we're giving them all this money because of business deals and everything that were set up prior.

My conspiracy is even if you know that shred of information, that makes all the other information that much more pertinent and you couldn't possibly know. So who gives a shit? My own conspiracy was that Russia and China were in cahoots and Russia laid down to play possum so that China would join up with

them for world domination which they already sowed the seeds for with COVID but that's a whole other story and now we're going to get demonetized because we mentioned Ukraine and COVID so we might as well say the N word alright? it's been on the tip of my tongue for the past fucking 12 years. What?

You've said it in the last 12 years. You've said it in the last 12 days. 12 minutes. Mentally. Here's the thing. Kid jokes. We can't even talk about the Ukraine. Nelly, does that make sense?

Is the Ukraine conspiracy? Is that it? That the U.S. is creating a war with Russia via Ukraine. Well, is that because we're involved in a proxy war? We can't give him money. Great. We should give it to her.

There's a reason for it, but it's a popular theory. Not like with my mom, not like with our moms. Right. That's like very much a conservative theory. Yes, yes,

yes, yes. Okay. Okay. That's a conservative theory, but is it like, that just sounds like a theory that is based on the last couple of wars that we've gotten into that have been involving oil. Like, yes, yes, yes. Okay, okay. That's a conservative theory. But is it like, that just sounds like a theory that is based on the last couple of wars that we've gotten into that have been involving oil. Like, yeah, we go to where the oil.

But we did that. Well, my conspiracy is that we invaded Afghanistan for the poppy fields so that we could fund the fucking. Well, they do have the National Guard blocking all the poppy fields. Every year Alex Jones is going to run fields it's the best really just like in ak-47s he's just oh it's so good it's very very uh i want to very impassioned why'd you get rid of the podcast i would love to listen to that just the flatter thing i was still like willing to do it even though it became like such an anxiety thing and i was at my worst alcoholism wise. Are you sober now? I don't drink.

Are you drunk? Yeah, for four years I don't drink. Thank you for saying that you don't drink. Because you do smoke weed. I smoke weed and I do hallucinogens. Because I hate sober stolen value. What did I say? You said value. I hate sober

stolen valor. When people are like I'm sober, but mine's my wiener. You're not sober. That's totally fine. Just don't say you're sober. What's the highest milligram you've done? The highest is like close to 500. And it's not even remotely fun. That, to me, puts me at the precipice of an insane asylum.

Like, it feels very slippery. It feels like. Aren't you afraid you won't come back? Yeah. No. I have a really strong fortitude. Don't you have the heart pumping thing? Yeah, but even that, I'm just like, I've prepared myself for death on a couple occasions.

Yeah. Most of them have been, like, ecstasy and cocaine involved. Oh, wow. One has been weed, where I was, Ellie, Ellie, I was like sitting with my sister and her husband and I was like fighting the silent fight of panic attack. They have no idea what's going on. You're going to bite your own tongue off. Yeah.

We're like watching a movie. Everybody's having a good time. And I'm just like half like feeling an invisible fist grip my heart and then let it go and grip my heart. Walk to a police station one time. Really? Well, see, my thing is like, at least there's people here.

Like, at least like if I drop. But I'm worried I'm going to like start biting them or something. Like, what if I stab them? The very first time I ever did a gravity bong, I tried to bite my own fingers off and my friends had to sit on me. Bro, bro, that's my fear. That's my fear. Is that people will have to hold me back from doing crazy shit.

I tried to bite my fingers off and I thought I killed my friend's family. Yeah, that's how I go. It was gnarly. And then they went through drugs with me again. So I did do them by myself. What? Was it K2? No, it was just a fat, creamy gravity bone. Crazy. And I remember

right before I started going crazy, dude, it was like a two liter pineapple soda bottle. Nice. And my buddy's like, oh, I'm getting it creamy. We're going to get fucked up. And I remember I i did it and i was like is my dad proud of me and they were like no man don't worry about that keep getting fucked up and i was like yeah you're right just drink drink deeper yeah yeah yeah and i tried to bite my fingers off i did uh that's a crazy i've always thought about that what if i bite my tongue what if i bite yeah the tongue is

whatever because it's in your mouth already. But to go outside of that to bite your fingers off. That's my fear, though, is that I'm going to just be like, what if I just try and saw my arm off right now? What if I'm that person? What if I'm that guy? That's what I think I do when I get that fucked up. That's weed. No.

That's an underlying mental health condition coming to the surface. Intrusive thoughts. Every airplane I'm on, I have the thought of what if I need to be restrained at some point. I have that thought, too. i need to be restrained at some i have that thought too yeah yeah cool it's like i have that because i think what if i open the door yes societal rules to me are so flimsy yeah because you know i we've i've watched so many disaster movies that you just know at some point you don't there are no rules yes at some point your life means nothing to me you You live in New York City. Right. You live in a city where somebody who makes eye contact with you and you're like, no poop here?

There's no law. I'm pooping here. You ever get so high that someone, like a crazy person, yells something and they're like, skin isn't real. And you're like, I knew it. That's my bit. That's my bit. That's our joke. You ever do this? I always have to quote one of your bits, but you don't have any coherent ones, so I can't.

And the only reason you can memorize mine is because they're classics on a record where yours is just like this. I'm going to have to do it. Classics on the record. Yeah, and that's why you got to see me because you never know what's going to happen because I'm best live. I think you're best dead. Damn it. I missed. I like you alive.

Thanks. Let me scratch your head. Yeah. Okay. Anyway. So you want. I have good bits. You're pro having children. Didn't damage your.

How's Feeney doing? He's good. Really? I just met his baby. Yeah. You just met his baby? Yeah. Well, I mean, with COVID and stuff, you can't damage your. How's Feeney doing? He's good. Really? I just met his baby. Yeah. You just met his baby? Yeah. Well, I mean, with COVID and stuff, you can't.

And my son is just routinely sick from like spitting. The vaccine? The other children's mouths. No, he's natural immunity. They're never going to let this be on YouTube. They're always sick. And it's so annoying because it's like. I hate it.

My niece is always sick. And she, like you said, kids are tripping all the time. So she'll just come up to you, red eyes, snot, and she's just like, whoa, we're fucking around. And I'm like, you're riddled with a sickness that I'm going to, tomorrow is going to ruin my month, dude. And you're just like, we're good, let's play. Like, they don't care at all that they feel so fucking bad. You can quote my bits. I have, you quote my bits. I have. You know my jokes.

And you've told them to me when we were working on a set. I only know one of them. What were you working on a set for? I don't know. No big deal. Just get fucking rejected again. The only person named Gail is mom years old. September 11th.

How could you never remember if you never knew? How could you never forget if you never knew? How could you never forget if you never knew? How could you never forget? These jokes are like a sad calendar. These are classic five bits. Does that joke make sense to you? Here's the thing. My jokes on paper, no. I'll admit they

don't make sense. But if you add some pizzazz and some yelling and a mustache and moving and shaking. I am Sebastian Maniscalco. I don't say I'm working on it. I am. These people. Jordan. You believe me?

People. I put cologne on my sons just to touch. Just to touch. Just to touch. He's the best. He's the best. Don't say everything I'm saying. I'm squeezing. I'm squeezing.

It's harder. Sorry. Sorry. Yeah, keep doing it. See if you can guess what I'm gonna say I Ian Fires I'm a cool guy

I really apologize for this one You know what Maybe this one will be the Are we doing Patreon yet? Maybe this one will be the Patreon What? Anyway What was the trauma you were

dealing with before you took the 500 edible 500 gram edible it's all the same shit i mean i'm more or less i you work on trauma yeah you go see alan no not that guy i uh i had a therapist but now i i don't see one currently no what do you do you do? I talk to my wife a lot about everything. Oh, she doesn't mind. No, she talks to me too. That's awesome. They've been together since life. So they were friends as kids.

We're buds. That's so cool. And still makes you cum. Yeah. Wow. That's so cool. I'm really attracted to her. Really?

That's awesome. That's so hot. Do you ever have a wandering love i mean wouldn't any living breathing human being would look at somebody and be like oh i i would enjoy being inside of them but then that's passing right yeah we found out your kink the other day you and i what was it um fart oh yeah that's right he's a fart guy well because speaking of explore page that's how it came up because Dua Lipa is like my new I I fucking love that woman it's unbelievable and I would like nothing I don't even want to have sex with her that's all I want her to

shotgun a fart directly down my mouth and then I started telling him about fart porn and fart cake porn blast Blast. Have you seen the one? Did you look it up with the butt sitting on a cake and then she farts? Yeah. Yeah, I've seen that one. You like that? Yeah, yeah. I like on Instagram, on my Explore page every once in a while,

there will be an insanely attractive girl that lifts like a cheek and farts. And I'm like, I'm into that. What makes you? It's okay that you're into it i'm into incest porn yeah what makes you into that is it because they're dirty and it's a bad thing they're doing like they're a bad girl that i i think because i can't smell if i was in the room and i smelled it i think that would probably end it but the idea of a blast of air like just a nice, like, like a gust, a fucking hot gust right up against your face, because it's like a

dry load. Because it's like, that's how close... You know what I'm... I always thought this game was made up. You know what I'm picturing? You know the old Maxl tape decks, where it was a guy on the couch and wind is blowing? Yeah, but with some fat ass farting.

Yeah. Yeah. And it only makes that like, I'm not, and this isn't too attractive shame or whatever. Like it's gotta be like an insanely hot person. You know what I'm like? Where is that?

Seems ridiculous. Yes. And the idea that she is being a borderline truck driver with like an open ass right in front of you. Maybe it's because you're like the only way that person would be available to me is if I caught them farting. Maybe my kindergarten teacher farted in my face while I was massaging her feet. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Very possible. I wonder, do you have a specific kink besides men? Sorry. I'm really sorry. I said have a specific kink besides men? Sorry. I'm really sorry. I said I would stop. Besides trans men? Sorry. I said I would stop.

I don't like trans men. Sorry. Do you get upset when you're reminded that you hook up with men? No. Oh. We just made a commitment that I would stop calling him gay-less. I see. Yeah.

That was the first one, though. Was that a fart? No. Oh. Do I have a kink buttholes what just happened I missed it somehow I mixed his kink with his fear and he went was that noise a fart and I went like this

oh god the face you made was like I don't know what it was Nobel Peace Prize winner it was outrageous don't know what it was. Nobel Peace Prize. It was both. Whatever it was. It was outrageous. Don't fart.

Don't fart. Dude, you actually cannot fart. I'm not. I'm peetalking. Please don't. Dude, they're really bad. I'm not going to fart. They get stuck in my eyes.

You're welcome. My kid? I don't know. I like buttholes. Pro kid. We're pro having kids. Girl buttholes. Not guy buttholes.

Really? I got caught. I'm not for it. I wouldn't tell somebody who's like, I're pro having kids. Girl buttholes, not guy buttholes. Really? I got caught. I'm not for it. I wouldn't tell somebody who's like, I'm on the fence. I'd probably tell that person not to. I got in an argument with a buddy the other night who was like, you need to have kids. You need to have kids. And I'm like, dude, you tell me how miserable you are all the time.

You just want misery company. It's also just like Racine has done that with me where he's like, you should have a kid. You should do it. It's really good to have a kid. And then five seconds later, he's like, I've ruined my life. Yeah. And under his breath, he's like, why are you even here? Yeah, it's crazy.

That's hilarious. But that's I'm I'm so happy. I don't care if anybody else does. Like it does not. Your kid. You make me want to have a kid because your kid seems like it's he gives you bits he's great and that's all i care yes he's funny i also like that's what i write about is my everyday life so he's my new muse like it was my wife then it was my father-in-law no it's yeah you make me want to have a kid by the joy

and how you've almost like found a new version of yourself. Oh, yeah. What was he like before kid? Drinker? Yeah, a mess. Really? I was a fucking mess. Yeah.

Like, no, but just like seeing. It was still nice and you could get along with me, but I was like inside and also socially my behavior. Like, I was just a fucking drunk. Yeah, but seeing the joy that exudes from you when you talk about your child and everything like even like what oh I say it weird child

when you are talking about your child and even like Chris talking about his like that's just like beautiful to see and that oh yeah he didn't talk about his kids yes he did he talked about his kids that much yes he did he talked about how he reads

and they love him and they we can see the difference can't we we can see the difference we can we just had podcast

that's why he's doing better this is literally this is like yeah I gotta ramp the love down a little bit and focus a little more on me literally is like

down on his knees being like tell me what it is guy and I'm listening and then he's like he'll never believe the thing he says de stefano is like sometimes we take naps it's nice my wife does everything we take naps we play video games it's cool i don't even know their names i don't know how many there are i don't know their gender you know what i mean i've seen pictures of canon's kid like i know everything about this child yeah it makes you want to like procreate yes yes but not to stefano's version stefano's i'm like that makes me want

to be really rich he gets a lot of bits from it he gets a lot of bits from his wife what is it he talks about his kids all the time he has a new like 15 20 minute chunk about communicating with his kids that is like high level really really good stuff. Yeah, really, really good. I will find bits elsewhere. I don't want a kid. Yeah, don't do it for the bits. I want a kid alone. I want my own boy.

It might be easier. Yeah. Because then you don't have to coordinate with a whole other person. The difficult thing is that my wife is also career oriented and also doing well. She owns her own floral design company and so we have to like that's awesome it's great in the sense where we get to be like hey look at your parents we just created our own careers we went out and did something like that's a cool

example to set but it's really difficult in terms of logistics and planning and tennising your day together because it's like on the road and everything. Yeah. So tough. Yeah. Do you have a babysitter? Like a go to? We do. Yeah. We have a, we also have family around. No,

no, no. Mexican. Little guy. Jamaican. I always want a little. Mr. Michael,

I'm here for your kid. Now they're under high demand. They're tough to lock down these days. You're really bad at accents. What? You put the butt down the plate. That's what you do. No, we just have a Hasidic man.

Give me an accent and I'll do it. Hasidic. Come on. Yeah, pretty good. Stop that. Stop that. Give me another. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

That was on here as a scenario. Do the Philly accent. Yeah, so not for nothing, but we babysat your kid and we lost him. Okay, cool. In a wah-wah. That was really good. Can you do a... Oh, yeah, Midwestern.

Yeah, Midwestern. Oh, I'm going to come. Nelly, what's another accent? New York. South African. Yeah, all right. It's a bit of the same. It's a bit of the same. It's a bit of the same. A bit more clipped from South Africa.

A bit clipped. A bit quicker. I'm really sick of the Australian tourists, tell you what, because their wokeness has stuck six years in the past, motherfuckers. They don't laugh at anything if it's a little edgy. Why are you making him Italian a little, motherfucker? Because I'm Sebastian.

I'm Mrs. Sebastian I love this man I love this man I can't believe how much I never watched him now I watch him everything's better everything's better in my life he is my whole family he's your kid he's amazing the way he talks about his kids where he goes I called my kid over I was like come here come here

that's my whole childhood he's the best let's pull him up let's have him up. Let's have him on the pod. I think he's angry, which I love. He's angry and then he turns on on stage, which I'm like that. I've seen him walk around the cellar. He looks pissed.

Does he? I've never seen him in real life. Is he 5'2"? Yeah. Yeah. He's a tiny little Italian monkey. Yeah. I think he's a baby. He's got that half smile that my grandfather had. Chicago. I love it think he's a baby. He's got this, that, that half smile that the

grandfather had. Yeah. Chicago. I love it. He's the best. Oh, don't mind the heater. We keep that guy over there.

That's cool. Yeah. Okay. So we're going to have kids. Yeah. I want a boy. How do I make sure it's a boy? I got to get an engineer that.

Really? Yeah. I mean, if you do IVF. Really? Yeah. You can do that. You.

So what you do for IVF, we didn't do it, but I've had a bunch of friends do it. And you you get like the eggs, your retrieval, all that stuff, the healthy ones. And you come into a cup. Then they do the the insemination and you get healthy embryos and they know the gender and basically like their stats, like whether or not they're going to be smart. the insemination and you get healthy embryos and they know the gender and basically like their stats, like whether or not they're going to be smart, whether or not like,

so why wouldn't everyone do IVF? Very expensive. My mom's trying to do it. 10,000 a go. Yeah. 10,000 a try. And it might not even take. Yeah.

Like my mom's tried to do it, Michelle and Donna, and it didn't take twice. So they were just 20 grand in the hole. Oof. You don't get any of that money back? What you do is. It should be a like, if you don't, you get half back or something.

Or a BOGO. Yeah, sir. Or at least like one freebie. Like one free dumb kid. Just let me come in that room again. Yeah. Can we go to the fuck rooms? Yeah.

Wherever we want. Yeah. Okay. Because I want to. I rooms? Yeah. Wherever we want. Yeah, okay. Because I want to, I don't know, a girl. What if you did IVF with my seed? Yeah. Right.

So we have an addictive person with bipolar disorder, OCD, and ADHD, and suicidal tendencies. Do you know how cool we are? Yeah, let's do it. Our kids would be so cool. No, they would be insane. Well, we were talking the other day, though, that there's a large probability that you guys end up together later in life. Oh, yeah, when we're old. Yeah, old. Yeah, very old.

Yeah. Well, that's what I said. I was like, what do you think? Like, what are the chances of you guys ever giving it a go? Where it's like there's very clearly chemistry. Yeah, there's that. Where it's like there's no sexual tension, even though I think that's a bit put on by both of you.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no. But I did Bob into a dream of mine the other night. And I really, really fucked me up. No kidding. How much of my, me trying to come is me going, no,

no dad, no Ian, no, really weird grandpa. It's me. Literally my whole jerk off session. If I don't watch porn is me kicking people out of a room. It's me being like, get out, get out, get out.

You were bouncing your vagina. And I was like, no, no. That's a good thing. That's not bad. That's not bad. That's kicking people out of a room. Take a break from the pod to write a bit. Get out. Lock the door. That's hilarious.

But I do think, I do think that, because when i said it you guys are like no no way and i'm like not right now i think probably and when i said 60 i thought it but now i kind of am thinking even 50 uh for like just 12 years yeah yeah i think 12 years in comedy is a long time to be doing something the same way with the same people with the same whatever without changing anything up. So I do feel like you'll reach 50

and be like, I just gotta do something else. Do you think we're gonna be podcasting at 50? No. I'll kill myself. Yeah, me too. We're gonna podcast till we die. And we're going to be talking to a phone. We're going to be plugging Patreon as 70-year-old men. Patreon.com.

I'm not repulsed by the idea of having sex with you. I'm not repulsed by that idea. What position comes to mind first? Him in the back. Doggy. So I don't have to look at his face. Pillow style. Bag.

Straight up bag. Lockbox style. Do you bury your face in a pillow? Yonder, that but for a face. I bury my face in the pillow. What did you say? I didn't think I was going to like it and I really liked it. What was it? I missed it. What was it? Yonder's the thing where you lock up a phone

and you have no access to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But for your face. Do you do that? Do you walk around and pinch your sides? No, I have a new tattoo and it's scabbing. Let's see it. Because I do that.

I walk around and call myself a fat little bitch. Isn't it funny to think about Sam online boy is. Like, imagine if Sam online boy is trying to pull off a cannon like that's what he thinks he is. Who's Sam online? What? You know how he kind of has like a bizarro different world trying to pull off a cannon. Like that's what he thinks he is. Who's Sam online. What? You know how he kind of has like a bizarro different world. Nobody sees that. Okay.

Who's Sam online? Am I? No. Oh, am I online? I don't. No, don't worry about it.

The fans will know what I mean. Okay. What? He's like a bizarro world. Like he's like a, if cannon, it took a horrible turn in the same spot once. No, no, no, no, no.

But I think Sam is trying to do a canon. Sam's trying to do a come canon. He's going for a canon. Oh, you mean a look? Yeah, aesthetic. Well, why not? Sam Bankman Freed? No.

Who's that? Isn't that the? Oh, this guy Sam O'Lantern. Oh my God, Sam Bankman Freed. He makes like really funny parody songs. The other day, Etel was like, he was like, I look songs. The other day, I tell was like, he was like, I look,

he pointed to a guy and he was like, you look like that cyber guy. That's you look like instead to Ian, you look like that cyber girl who did that cyber thing with that other cyber guy. Talking about Sam. It was so good. It was so good. And the whole audience knew what he was saying.

What do you say? With out pausing and immediately as if it was finishing my sentence the other night I go, what are you going to do tomorrow? He goes I'm ready.

I'm ready. Hit Ryan Hamilton with a bus again. Hit Ryan Hamilton with a bus again. Just immediately. Like he had been waiting all day. Ryan Hamilton, for the listeners, is a comic who sounds exactly like Jerry Seinfeld. I think he's way funnier, but he did get straight up hit with a bus. Way funnier than Seinfeld. Yeah, in LA.

Hit by a bus. Three in the morning, smoking. What are you going to do tomorrow? Hit Ryan Hamilton with a bus. Yeah, in LA. Hit by a bus. Three in the morning, smoking. Oh, what are you going to do tomorrow? Hit Ryan Hamilton with a bus? Oh, my God. That was in LA? That happened? Yeah.

Fuck. It's like the guy from I'm Dying Up Here. I'm going to say, oh, yeah, that's right. Except this wasn't intentional. I wouldn't know about that. I'm 21 years old. No, you'd be hot if you were. That's like a compliment also.

Oh. You're hot. You are hot. You were just saying that you're a pedophile? Is 21 pedophile age? No. Yeah, for his age. For your age, yeah.

Is it? No. But I'm like a woman with insecurities, so anytime one of my friends is dating somebody under the age of 40, I'm like, you fucking fuck babies, dude. It is funny. The older women get, dating somebody under the age of 40, I'm like, you fucking, it is funny. The older women get, they really push the line of what's legal. They're like 26.

You fucking 30. Yeah. No, I'm not doing any younger than 26. Sorry your vaginas went bad. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Totally. Yeah. Totally. I get it. Sorry. Your ovaries are the name of a Chinese social media app. What? TikTok. TikTok. TikTok did that all come together?

But you can't floss. You know what I mean? How did you just put that all together in two seconds? What do you mean I can't floss? Oh, let's start the Patreon. I floss. Thanks for doing the pod. Stick around. February 25th, Gramercy Theater. New York City. Get tickets.

There's still some left. Not a lot. Get them now. That's great. How many seats is that? 400 something. That's amazing. We put that at the beginning of the episode. Please. Patreon.com slash Here's a scenario pod.

We just did the episode. Really fun. Also. Oh, I have a scenario what okay let's do it on the Patreon yes Patreon to see it and also just

what so everyone knows I floss I used to I have it in a wine you gotta especially if you smoke yeah

it's bad February 25th. Gramercy Theater. I had the flossing. I floss. That's why you don't floss. Those things suck. We'll see you next time.