Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 031: Leather Gang W/ Jake Velazquez

Episode Date: March 1, 2023

As always , Thanks for listening! Sub to the Patreon for early episode access and bonus Patreon only episodes/content ! https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod  - Support the show and get a 30-day free trial at https://DipseaStories.com/SKA Visit http://athleticgreens.com/SKA for a Free 1-year supply of Vitamin D   Follow Jordan Jensen: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/  See Jordan Live! : https://www.jordanjensencomedy.com/upcoming-shows Follow Ian on Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram: @ianimal69 https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/ See Ian Live! : http://www.ianfidance.com/calendar Follow Jake Velazquez : https://www.instagram.com/jakevcomedy/ Please RATE, REVIEW, and SUBSCRIBE to Bein Ian with Jordan on all platforms! Produced by : Jordan Hayman Produced/Edited by: Ethan Dupree https://www.instagram.com/e.dupree/

Hey, everybody. Don't skip. Come see Southern Road, IanFinance.com, JordanJensenComedy.com. I am going to be at Wise Guys Utah with Ari Shavir and his friends Sunday, March 5th. I'm going to be there March 30th. And then in between, I'm going to be in Rhode Island, Comedy Connection, Arlington Draft House with Mike Racine. I'm bringing him along. And then Detroit House of Comedy, Spokane, Tacoma. Come on out. Chicago. Comedy on State just announced. IanFightS.com. I love you.

When does this come out? Sorry again. Oh my God. I'm really sorry. This week. Okay. Okay. Whatever. March 10th and 11th. I am at the Comedy Attic in Bloomington. Then the next weekend. What? We have to go fast. Okay. Then I am at the Comedy Attic in Bloomington. Then the next weekend. What? We have to go fast.

Okay, then I'm at Spokane, Washington. And then. Faster. I can't. Why faster? Because people fast forward through this. We've already lost. Okay, let me start again.

No, no, no. Just keep going. I don't have them memorized like you. I'm not on podcasts every 14 days of the week. Okay. 10th and 12th of March. I'm at the Comedy Attic. Then I'm not on podcasts every 14 days of the week. Okay. 10th and 12th of March, I'm at the Comedy Addict. Then I'm in Spokane the following weekend, March 16th through 18th.

Then I'm at Roar, and I don't know where that is, the following weekend. And then I book something for the 31st, but I forget. Then I'm at Laugh Comedy Club in Seattle, Washington, April 7th. It's too far out. Too far out. We got to go. We got to go. Okay.

Enjoy the episode. Bye. Telling jokes and having smokes. Riding bikes all through the night. It's a wild ride. When you're being Ian. Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride

When you're being Ian Being Ian Life is shit but you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live a lie Being Ian Being Ian With Jordan Let's find out what it's like to live a lie. Be an Ian. Be an Ian.

With Jordan. Welcome to another episode of Be an Ian with Jordan. I have my cat mask on and you don't like it. This is like one time me and i'm gonna talk one time me and nelly went on this trip with our friend sam yes and sam wore lipstick out one day and me and nelly were like please don't dude you're like this is making georgia like just chill we know you're trying to be provocative but stop they are now like a hundred percent trans woman have fully and we were bigots i mean we were just bigots but that's how i feel about you right now where i'm like please be less oh thank you so much yeah well what do you

know hey up up easy so it doesn't break hop deep you're cold and I'm helping. I'm putting the space heater on you. It's not cold. It's the, yes. Uh-huh. Now, I have a cat mask on because there was a gal I was going to bring down to a gig. We have Jake here. How's it going? Jakey. Everybody knows Jake.

Jake is the best. Jake Velasquez. He's a great comic. He was on Comics to Watch. He did the best out of everybody. Uh-huh. He's my feature. I bring him on Comics to Watch. He did the best out of everybody. He's my feature. I bring him everywhere I go.

Thanks for having me. Yeah, you're welcome. Even places where they say, no, no, you can't bring him. We don't like Puerto Ricans. I say, he's coming. He's Jewish. He's Puerto Rican. And Jewish. From New York.

Yes. Puerto Rican and Jewish. Indigenous species from New York. Can't find us anywhere else. Nowhere else Maybe Miami Maybe Miami I think that's more Cuban though

What's the difference? That's a good point Alright, what happened with your mask? I need a little guy You do look like a wrestler I'm glad you brought that back up. El gato.

El gato supreme. El gato supreme. Hacienda. Nelly, do you remember that song we had learned? That's my finishing move. El gato. There was a cat. Meow, meow, meow. Remember that?

We had to learn that. Our producer is my elementary school BFF. Yes. We have callbacks. It's wonderful. Please don't smoke right now. My hair is wet. Can you wait a few minutes?

It smells like cigarettes all day. Oh, does it soak in if it's wet? Yeah, yeah. And I smell like piss, girl. I'll sit with Jake. Should I go sit with Jake? I like that. I kind of like having the couch to myself, honestly.

Jake, I just got abandoned, and you are going to say that I can't come over there? Can you just wait? Can you wait? I'll wait. Now let me tell the cat tale. Oh, now we're mad. Now we're mad. I want to hear the history of El Gato.

Okay. I became El Gato when I ordered a bunch of leather for a girl to meet up with me, and then she stopped talking to me. So now I just have my bag of tricks. It is really. Wait, what was. Go slow. Wait, what's the deal with the girl?

Yeah, you gotta go slow. So there's this girl. We were like DMing like sexual stuff. Cool. And then I was like, let me fly you down to a gig. It'd be hot. Hotel room. And then I ended up also being like, you know what?

I've never done this before. Let's get some leather. I ordered a bunch of leather for me and her. And I didn't say like, do you want to get leather? I just said, I got us leather and we got to stop talking. But was that the last message? No, no, no. We ended up talking again and then we kind of stopped talking but was that the last message no no no we ended up talking again and then we kind of fell out but I didn't bring her out

and all I had was a bag of leather things and one of them was a cat mask and I didn't order the cat mask they just sent me a cat mask well I gotta wear it now you didn't order a cat mask I didn't order the cat mask. They just sent me a cat mask. Well, I gotta wear it now. You didn't order a cat mask? I didn't order the cat mask.

Wait, wait. They probably just knew I was a cat man. Wait, who? The leather store. How could they know? I don't know. They just sent it. Wait, you went in? No, I ordered it online. So you were online and you ordered the thing for her to wear

and they just chucked in a cat mask? Chucked in a cat mask for free. Seems like a good idea. Seems like a good deal. So then I'd be like, oh, a free gift? Yeah. Thank you. Or as my people say,

It just seems a little pushy. The cat mask? Yeah. Why don't you put the cat mask on? Do you think? Yeah. Yeah. Or a paddle, you know?

Whoa! Slip in a paddle. Slip something else in there as a thank you. Because that's how you get repeat business. How much money did you spend? Well, we don't have to talk semantics. You'll keep coming back thinking, well, what are they going to give me this time?

But you spend enough. It wasn't like a costume at a Halloween store. It's enough money that you deserve that. Yeah. How much was all this? How much was all this? Oh, my God. It's like a torture.

And now you guys just don't talk. Can we call her on the pod? Oh, this thing is a thing. Oh, these are handcuffs and a harness. Oh, God, it scares me. Here's a chain for your neck. I want that. To walk you around like a dog.

Don't walk me around, but I do want to wear it. Yeah, you wear that. Jake, do you want these handcuffs? I'll take the handcuffs. Jake, put on the handcuffs. And now we're finally using my leather. Ethan, why don't you put this harness on your little pecorino? One more surprise for you.

Oh, and Nellie surprised me with the thing in here. Ah! A cat meow machine! This is my... This is my birthday. Wait! Oh, it's me.

Ready? That means I'm getting horny. Wait, where's the taser? Jake said he would tase himself. Here's the thing. I do. I did have to poop before and I don't now. Do you think?

No. No poop. It would make me shit my pants. No way. No, it's not like that. And it's a bad time. Metal on my body. Why did you do this, Nali?

Can you grab it out of the wall, please? I'll tase myself first. Fine. Hold on. Wait. You don't have to. Metal? You think metal's bad?

I'll take the metal off. I think metal's bad. Here. No, no, no. Keep the car. It's amazing. Welcome to Ian's Leather Dungeon. Should I taste you?

Jordan, are you having fun? Yes. Make the thing meow. Wait, where's the taser? Are you a good kitty? Jordan, are you a good kitty? Do I look like the girl from, what's that show? Can you take a picture? This is incredible.

A picture? We have a whole video of it. But this is for my private collection. Jake, how dumb are you? Get the taser out. Is this a taser? What's this, though? Oh, now you tell me. Tase yourself while I choke you.

Stop. Sorry, I only speak. Let go of my leash I walk myself from here on out Okay If this fucking ricochets through the metal and I kill myself It won't It won't

Okay, you really have to Oh Is it that bad? Yes, you said you would, Jake. Do you want to join our leather gang or not? It's not that bad. See? I think I like it.

Do it again. Do it again. Not again. Yeah. Get him. All right, fine. One more time. Give me a sec.

Give me a sec, though. Give me one second. You can't. All right. It's kind of like. Jake a sec, though. Give me one second. You can't. All right. It's kind of like. Jake is the first guest to do the taser. I just want to get numb to it. Because I know me too.

I think if someone's coming to mug you, and then instead of tasing them, you just tase yourself, that would really scare them off. You know what I mean? Then no one's fucking with you. It's like if some guy tries to rape you, and you're like into sucking his dick, you're going to be like, well, the fight is over. This is terrifying. That's like if some guy tries to rape you and you're like into sucking his dick Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah very similar very simple, all right It really okay

Yeah, that's what it feels like Now put your handcuffs back on Alright Nelly God damn you Thank you Nelly This makes me so happy Shout out Casey James Slango You suck Yeah you missed out

He was supposed to be on the pod I know and he loves cats. I'll pull your leash. I'll take my leash off. No, don't take it off. This is fun. Wait, what's this? It's just a light?

Oh, this is, oh, okay. Yeah, it's fun. I feel powerful. I feel so powerful in my life. It's fun. I feel powerful. I've never felt so powerful in my life. It's fun. Right? Honestly, tasing others is more fun than tasing yourself. I want a video of you tasing with the handcuffs on.

Okay, one, two, three, go. Okay. Take the mask off. This is fun. This is a good time Is it? Yeah I feel like this wouldn't stop somebody honestly

I think that the noise would The noise is scarier than the pain Yes The pain I don't think I think you'd have to scare them with it And I think it'd do a good job Like I was thinking about running at night And if you

Somebody came at you And you did that They would kind of Maybe think that it was Or You wear a cat mask And when someone comes up, you're just like...

You're leaving me alone. He does have a point. That is way more intimidating to me than that is. Yeah. No. No. No. Yeah, I'm robbing your ass. No. No. No. No. No. Stop. Stop. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm robbing your ass. Does it hurt if you go over the jacket? Yeah. Oh. The pants. The pants is one thing though. Like one layer.

I don't want to do my arm. I've never done my arm. Arm is better than the leg though. You think? I think so. I don't think so. Let's test it. You do it. I'll do it first but you have to do it so. I don't think so. Let's test it. You do it.

I'll do it first, but you have to do it after. If it doesn't hurt you, I'll do it. All right. Go with my arm. What? How are you okay with me doing it? Wait. Hold on.

Let me take this off. I'm scared of the handcuffs being on. I don't... Nothing. Nothing. Oh! Oh! Oh, my God. I heard that. Nothing. Nothing. Oh! Oh my god!

I heard that! No, no, no! Holy shit! It wasn't that bad! Oh my god! Tase her and see if it goes through her to me. Can you do a fast pull away? Alright, ready?

One, two, three. It feels like a tattoo. That was it? I didn't feel anything. Do it again? Alright, ready? 1, 2, 3. It feels like a tattoo. That was it? I didn't feel anything. Do it again. My arm like jolted there though. Your arm jolted because I hollowed it down because that didn't do anything. I've never felt better. I might do this instead of coffee.

That's what I'm saying. I can't do this to it. It gets you going a little bit. We spilled coffee on the table. Not true. I don't know this. Do we have napkins? Oh, yeller. Oh, yeller.

Oh, yeller. Oh, yeller. Oh, yeller. We need some napkins. She will respond to oh, yeller if it's the last thing. Oh. Can you take the cat mask off? Why?

No, no, no, no, no. Oh, that's not a taser. what why are you ethan why are you not accepting me for being a cat it's just who i am so what would that do the harness would you just like hang from something? I think it holds them. Are you cat meowing? Oh, Nelly was. Can I have a little guy to hold on to? You want Slimer?

No, I want Ghostman. Ghostman? Oh, the... Stay put. Now, what did you ask me? No, he's angry. I need something happy. Slimer. Slimer's too scary.

Hang on to happy Buddha. Okay. Buddha's happy. He's a little scary too. No. Buddha's happy. I got a Denver Comedy Works gig. We're going.

No way. Yes. No. No. Who cares're going. Yes. No. May. 20. Vail. Not Vail. Whenever the Rogue Island thing is.

Shout out. Good time to go to Colorado. And I got Comedy on State. I am so excited. I love Comedy on State. I have things I state. Yeah. Oh, I'm so excited. I love comedy on state. I have things I should not say. Who do you bring to feature usually? Locally,

Chris Scopo, Mike Racine, and I'm going to start bringing Ryan Shaner with me. Who's that? It's a comic from Philly. He's great. Oh, nice. He's really funny.

One of my oldest friends in comedy. Going to be fun. Hell yes. Oh, and we friends in comedy. Gonna be fun. Hell yes. Oh, and we need to announce April 12th live Being Ian with Jordan podcast at Helium Comedy Club in Philly. Wow. That's awesome. And we have to move

comedy for it because apparently we're doing The Cutting Room. That's also awesome. July 21st. Cutting Room's very cool. Yeah. Is it? My dad used to sing there. His dad's a musician. He's amazing. Really? Yeah. He's great. He's very cool. Yeah. Yeah. Is it? My dad used to sing there. His dad's a musician. He's amazing. Really? Yeah.

He's great. He's very, very, he's Puerto Rican, but he sings like a black man. Yeah. He does. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's really something.

Get him on the pod. Oh, he'll come. Really? Will he sing? Ah, maybe. I think he would sing, but then after, he would just be... I don't know if he would do much else.

One time, Sam, Real Online Boy, was in here and we were like, oh, sing one of the songs. And before we could even finish that word, he was belting out emo. I want to cut myself! It was crazy. Is he a musician? Yeah. Sure. Oh, I don't know.

I guarantee we could call him right now and he would sing. Do I look fat because my coat's so big in the video? What? No. No. He paused. Nelly, help. Help me.

This is not very good, James. I feel like I want to wear this. You should. It actually looks cool. Do you guys want to be a leather gang? I'd be a leather gang. But I feel like I'm kind of the simp with the handcuffs exclusively. You can have the leash.

My leash. I want an upgrade. It could be a wallet chain. I was thinking about getting a wallet chain recently. Should we get... Do it. Should we get... With the logo.

Yeah. Oh! Sell them. That's cool. Oh, merch... With the logo. Yeah. Oh! Wow, that's cool. Sell them. That's cool. Oh, merch. Oh, Wallet Chain merch? Wallet Chain merch. That's a great merch.

That's good. I will no longer be handcuffed to your system. What's going on? That'd be me if I was in Britain. He's a character. Oh, the queen. You look like Pussy Riot. Yes, free Pussy Riot.

You are Pussy Riot. I wonder if Pussy Riot's out of jail. They're out of jail, right? I don't know. I'm going to live under a rock. What's Pussy Riot? You don't know Pussy Riot? They were the ones who did the punk show in a Russian church and got arrested. They all were mad.

They were mad. They were terrible. It wasn't supposed to be a concert. Their music was so bad. They stormed the church. It wasn't a planned show. It was against Russia. It was a protest. Pre-Ukraine-Russia war?

Yeah. Way before. I think it was pro, what was it? Anti-homophobia, Nelly? Yeah. Pussy Riot, anti-what? It's actually anti-homo. It's a real curveball.

Type that in. Type in Pussy Riot anti-what? Anti-question mark. What is this toot that you're giving me? You know what it is. What? Because I'm right and you're wrong? No.

What is it? I took the cat mask off. I do feel better about that. Good. And I got you a heater. Yeah, I feel better about that. I'm taking care of you. Yeah.

And you got me a shirt. It's been a rough day. I know. Where's the shirt? Man. You got me. I think it's right here. Yeah. I wish we had. Oh, I got you a shirt. It's been a rough day. I know. Where's the shirt? You got me. I wish we had... Oh, I got you a shirt. Surprise!

You went to... Crown of Thorns. Crown of Thorns. Trapped under ice. Insane. So cool. One of the best hardcore shows ever because it wasn't a lot of the little teeny boppers. Dude. Crown of Thorns. The Le. Dude. Crown of Thorns.

The Leadsinger of Crown of Thorns is the hardest man I've ever seen in my entire life. Danny D'Amblo. Holy shit. He's fucking nuts. He's nuts. I love him. He looks amazing. I would love to have him on the show.

Wow. We should have him on the show. That'd be incredible. Yes. Dude, Jordan got me this killer Crown of Thorns shirt. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's cool.

They're a great band. Mentally vexed. One of the best songs. New York hardcore. Incredible. Juggernaut. Long Island wow. Yeah. That's cool. They're a great band. Mentally vexed. One of the best songs. New York hardcore. Incredible. Juggernaut. Long Island hardcore. Queens hardcore. Dude, yes. How was Trapped Under Ice? Did you stay for them? Or did you have to leave? I had to leave pretty quickly.

Have you guys had hardcore musicians on before? We are. When are we having incendiary? We're having incendiary in May or April. Which we just got their logo tattooed on us. Did you? You got the shirt. I've seen you wear the shirt a few times.

And we're getting Pat from Drug Church in a couple weeks. This itches. I know. Don't itch it. I'm itching. Don't. Okay, go itch. Feels good.

And we're trying to get justice from Angel Dust and the singer trapped under ice on the show. That'd be sick. Sick. Wait, Angel Dust said no, or they didn't respond. No, no, no, no, no. But we're going to the concert. I talked to them and they were like, we're going to get back to you on planning,

but that'd be sick. We'd be into it. Can I say something? I know the arm swingers are important for hardcore. I really do. But sometimes it feels like they've ruined mosh. What's the arm swingers? The guys in the middle?

There is a moshing code of conduct where you hurt yourself but you help each other. And some of these kids are just hurting people and then not helping. Well, if you hurt, you gotta help. I know. But I

was watching at Trapped Under... Sorry. And there was hurting and not helping. Well, you should have said something. You should have said, hey guys, Jordan here. If someone hurts and doesn't help, can you then hurt them? No. Is that helping?

No, you shouldn't hurt. But I don't think people intentionally hurt. Some of them do, but you can't help but just want to fucking throw yourself around. Throwing yourself around is great, but what do you think

about the arm swing? It's a part of it. You got to fucking protect your neck. You got to watch out. Okay. Well, what do you think about when they slam somebody?

I mean, the bloody noses. It sucks. You have to do the thing where you say, are you okay? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, what do you think about when they slam somebody? I mean, the bloody noses. It sucks. You have to do the thing where you say, are you okay? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Of course. But they don't. I'm, I'm scared. I just got tickets to go see Bane and the Suicide File in Boston, June 18th. I am so excited. And I got us tickets to that hardcore fest. That's going to be crazy. June 4th and 5th.

We should nail down flights and stuff. Maybe try to do a show that Sunday or Thursday like a local place. Why don't we ask them if they'll let us do a show there? Oh, what if we bring the podcast there and interview a bunch of hardcore bands? That'd be sick. That's what I'm saying.

Why don't we ask them if they'll let us do a live show? I bet they would. Where is this? Detroit. Detroit. Yeah, Detroit. They got nothing else to do. They got nothing else to do.

They got nothing but space. All their fucking car factories are done. Ask your guy. Ask Adam. Oh, my God. That'd be so sick. Yeah. Dude.

Also, that show is going to be wild. I do have a fear about getting my nose broken. Yeah, me too. This is my moneymaker. It could stand to be broken a few times. It could. Just because you're broken on the inside. Yeah, I'm broken on the inside.

I think you'd look kind of cool with the tape, though. Yeah, that's what I mean. You know, the tape over the nose? It'd be a cool look for you. Oh, and I could wear the cat mask to show the post-break reveal. Yeah, that's true. Oh, put it on before you're saying, and then take it off.

That would be funny to get plastic surgery and wear a cat mask without heels. Just nothing. Can you put the cat mask on? I want to see what it looks like. Because I don't know what I look like with it. It looks annoying. Oh.

No, no. There you go. Yeah. yeah oh look at you what's the hole in the top you look great just breathing i guess just one strand of hair the guy from that was like can you put this on can you not make our audience You look like Quail man Remember quail man from Doug with the bell loop Yeah I look like what's his name from Misfits Jerry only

Yeah Wow Looks good It looks great You should do an hour like that. Can I tell you, there's a reason why I didn't use this stuff with that girl

so that we could have it. And on top of that, I would like to add you keep that and give me $65. My gift to you. It would fun funny to wear this and go as pussy riot yeah see it's all good things it's fun as halloween as halloween oh shit i dropped the mic again i just did stuff island yesterday and they have the things that come off the fucking table arms that really was. We were chilling with those.

What happened? So I have a mic arm. You can use it. That would be great. You want to? Yes. Great. We'll do it.

Okay. Next episode. How do you feel? I don't mind holding it. I don't mind holding it. I like holding it. You have a podcast. I do have a podcast.

Tell us. Loose. It's called Do Less Podcast. We record like once in a while. But you can check it out out You know what would help? If you were the cat Do Less Podcast You do it only in your car

Or my friend's place And is it just you? No, me and a friend Is he Puerto Rican Jew? He is Aryan as fuck He looks like the people that got rid of the Puerto Rican Jews He looks like a World that got rid of the Puerto Rican Jews. He looks like a World War II soldier.

Really? Wow. Does he have a nice cock? Yeah. Small but smooth. Really? Go on. Texture's the new size.

Go on. Bramante came with us to Boston, right? Yeah, we're going boston this weekend we're gonna be at laugh boston who's bramante like bramante friend of jake's great guy gave me the tag of uh my fucking my stepbrother and saying that my lesbian my parents are lesbians that's worse at least we're not at least going. Yeah. Oh, nice. So he's good. Takes a little. He's a bit of a nut to crack. You got to open him up. So are you, though?

No, that's not true. The second we got into the car. No, I thought we were going to have a silent drive. The first drive. But then when we saw that big fat guy and you called him a monster and it was. Yeah. Game over. Yeah.

Nice. It's good. He's a good road. Road dog. Anything better than having a fun road dog? He's also a silent sleeper. Do you guys sleep in the same room?

Sometimes we have. Usually it's pretty spacious, so it's not that bad. But once we went in Houston, they gave us two twin beds that were legitimately as far as these two are. We might as well have just been the same bed. We would have been more comfortable in a... 100%. You should have pushed been the same bed. We would have been more comfortable in a, 100%.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. 100%. You should have pushed your two beds together. Maybe. Next time. Made a big bed. But this is usually

how it goes. It's me being like, yeah, and I just don't understand why he doesn't like me. And he's like, it's okay. It's every,

that's how it is. Immediate. Seconds. Yeah, yeah. You don't want to watch a movie? No, okay, fine, Jake. We can watch a movie. Come on, let's watch it.

In seconds. Best sleeper. But, then I'm up till 4 a.m. Yeah. Okay, fine, Jake. We can watch a movie. Come in. Let's watch it. In seconds. Best sleeper. Then I'm up till 4 a.m. I went on the road. I get them laid like a motherfucker. Really? Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. You're doing a lot. No way. Why are they at the show? Get her, Jake.

That's a good point. You bring me and they're at the show. They're women coming to see a female But it's not like you're wingmanning me backstage How would I do that? Exactly, you don't even know I'm too busy crying You bring them backstage?

No, no, no, I'm just saying They DM him at my shows I get zero DMs Zero, zero, zero What the fuck do I get? They're in your requests. You gotta go to the requests. Let's go to my request. Let's read a couple of my requests.

Oh god. I bet they're gonna be like, I'll link your toe jam and step on my balls. I'm starting. Oh, that's what you think, wouldn't you? Not gonna lie, I still feel my arm up a bit. Really? Just a touch. It's because it grabbed your muscle and cramped your muscle. Yeah, it grabbed the muscle.

It'll go away. Because my muscles are so big. Oh, in the meantime, can I tell a story real quick? Yeah, do it. I was on the train coming back from Delaware today, and I was in the cafe car, and this super hot, older chick, like milfy kind, She started talking to me and was very like, I do. Oh my God, I'm iced coffee too. You know, blah, blah.

And she's like, you're getting iced coffee. I'm getting Tito's. We're going to have two different kinds of days. And I was like, oh, and I was, you know, talking. What time of day? It was like 1230. Wow. Yeah.

And so because we're on the, um, cafe car, it's on the train, you know, train sways. So I have, I got, I got cheese and crackers and two things,

ice coffee. And I turn around and I was like, Hey, it was nice talking to you. And she goes, yeah. And right then I kind of like stumbled and fell into the trash can. It was open.

And my arm went in and I was like, Oh, sorry. And she was like, yeah fell into the trash can. It was open. And my arm went in. I was like, sorry. And she was like, yeah, have a good day. Wow. Wow.

Like standing. I was like, Hey, I'll. Nice. That's always when that happens though. That's the worst. The dude who's dumped me a thousand times.

We were walking and I just immediately, I turned, said some, I like did some manic thing. And then I turned and just immediately fell into a giant potted plant. Just fell fully into it. Once I did shrooms with a group of friends and this girl we were with, we were just saying how amazing it felt.

And we're in New York and we're like, this is the best. And she's like, I know, I feel like I'm on vacation. And as she's saying that, she stumbled into a pile of trash. And I was like, that's perfect women suck yeah idiots hey everybody it's your old pal ian here and i am excited today i'm not even lying this time to tell you about ag1 athletic greens okay uh it's simple. Taking a bunch of supplements and vitamins can be a real pain in the mind, but with AG1 by Athletic Greens, you just scoop, shake, and have alongside your breakfast.

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Dipsy.com slash ska. Now let's get back into the show. Welcome back. How old was the woman with's get back into the show. Welcome back. How old was the woman with the cat mask? Actually, the leather woman. Because I'm always curious if that's an older or is this the younger generation? Because if women get older, they want to do crazy shit leather. Or is the younger generation crazy?

You know what I'm saying? I just want to be left alone. She didn't ask for the leather. I suggested the leather. It wasn't a request on her end. I was like, you know, to really get her hot and bothered, leather. Wait, she just wanted to have sex? And you were like...

Yeah, and I was like, I'll one-up you. Let's get crazy. And I was like, I got leather. I got handcuffs. Let's be cats. And then you didn't talk anymore? No. Oh, I could show you this video of that girl that sent me this video.

Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. Let me show you. Wait, is there boobs? No. This girl, I hooked up with her pre-pandemic, hadn't talked to her since then. And she just sent me, called me at 5 a.m., sent me a string of texts that were like unhinged and then sent me this kind of disturbing video of her where she's living.

She's like sleeping on a table. Oh, that's really weird. Yeah, it's weird. What? living. She's like sleeping on a table. It's really weird. Yeah, it's weird. It's going to be public on the pod. I mean, okay. We just won't say the name. Hi, it's Cynthia. I'm on a table.

My address is 123 Table Street. My address is 123 Table Street. It's disturbing a little bit. She's not living. That's where she lives. And listen to the background noise. She's got trash bags on the windows. That goes slow motion.

And then she put it in slow motion. Wait, this is a horror movie. This is haunting. Look at her face. It's vacant. It's scary. in slow motion. Wait, this is a horror movie. This is a horror movie. This is haunting. Look at her face. It's vacant. It's scary. I'm scared. Get her on the pod.

He still was like, Jordan, is it fucked up that I kind of still want to have sex with her? I did ask her what she was doing there. Oh, my God. No. No. No. Well, she seemed like she wanted to reconnect. Jake, she's living on a table.

Wait, have you slept with that person before? Pre-pandemic. And it was good? It was fine. We got into an argument because she had jeans on my bed. And she was on the subway. What are you, a girl? A little bit.

That's what girls do. Girls are like, I know, pants on bed. I'm like, I nap in my pants under the sheets. I slept in my full coat yesterday. Well, this is the thing. I'm scared of bed bugs. During this crazy rant, she said she got scabies. Oh.

And you're still like, oh, I should fuck her. What are we doing? You're the man, bro. Do it. Do it. Get your little Puerto Rican chewy bagel panini pulled. Do it. Do it. Get your little Puerto Rican chewy bagel panini pulled. Do it. It's good.

Do it. It's so funny. No, I never wanted to have sex with her. This is what it's like. This is what it's like. It's like, okay, three girls, damn me. Let's check it out. I'm like, okay, I don't think this one's fat.

He's like, ah, she could be fat. Look at this angle. I don't think she's fat. All right, next one. All right, that one's definitely fat. Okay, next one. Okay, this is one's definitely fat. Okay, next one. Okay, this is the one to go with. This is definitely not a fatty.

Comes back 3 a.m., middle of the night. She's kind of fat. That did happen. That did happen. That did happen. But that girl's the best. She sent me home with snacks. Fat girl's got a lot of snacks.

Of course she did. Yeah. She's like, if you don't eat them, I will. Do me a favor. Take me to that beer. Oh, fuck. Yes. That's like, if you don't eat them, I will. Do me a favor. That's great. You have to get a lot of DMs on the road. Yeah, but I don't.

You don't respond. No. It's a good move. And then I don't meet up. I don't hang out. Yeah, that's good. I just really stay to myself. Smart. I'm almost at the point where I'm like. Oh don't hang out. Yeah, that's good. I just really stay to myself, you know? Like, I'm almost at the point where I'm like... Oh, I got one.

God, I'm trying to stick that baseball bat up your cooch. Alright, you're right. That's pretty good. Wow. Oh, is that the Hilarity's baseball bat? My life, yeah. That's a good way to put it to use. My life will be complete if you come to Denver. You look like the main character of Inside Job.

That's an animated series. Love your stuff. That's nice. Nothing. There's all those, Morgan. It's all I want to hurt you physically with my penis. Or Chicago comic hero seeing if you had an opener for your shows at Comedy Vault.

I don't even know if we're doing that. What the fuck is that? I'll kill him. Yeah, what do you got, Ian? Dude, something wild is going on on my Instagram right now.

It's like... What is it? It's like I posted something and it's like one like seven views three and a half hours ago. I'm like, what? That doesn't make sense. Okay, anyway, DMs. There's something weird going on with Instagram.

Wait, what happened? Oh, dude, here are the DMs I get. I've been hurting and I feel better now. It's never like I want to fuck you. It's always like you help me get out of a dark place. And I appreciate that. That's nice. But it's never like I want to get.

I want to fuck you. Let me look. Don't say the names. Can you bleep that out? What are you doing? I fucked up. That's say the names. Can you bleep that out? What are you doing? I fucked up. Jordan? That's a big name. You know who DMs me about

fucking a lot? Guys. No girl. Oh, a couple girls. But I don't respond. I'm like grossed out right now by like sex with like strangers. And I'm like, that would be nice if everybody felt that way what do you mean

what do you think she means oh yeah little peek behind the curtain oh jord I got dumped by a guy because he wants to have sex with strangers I can be a stranger watch

I'm all in the person hello my name is jord guy because he wants to have sex with strangers. I can be a stranger. Watch. Of all the person. Hello, my name is Jordan. That would be so funny if I tried to get it back by being like, how about this? We need the meow noise. Meow. Meow. I want to die.

All right. Here's what we're going to do. Okay. Tell us. We are going to brush our teeth. How do you have that? That was at my mom's. Oh, yeah?

How's Gail? Gail is good. Yeah? Yes. Was it nice to be home for a bit? Yeah, but it was so depressing. Yeah. Because my mom was in the hospital for a couple days and it sucked.

But she, it was so funny to me because she had all these like tubes in her and everything. And it was like her supervillain command center because she would still call me I was born in the darkness she would call me and be like you need to move the box from the living room to the basement and then call me 10 minutes later and be like chop the dog's food

up into little pieces and then call again and be like did you get the mail place the mail like just give me the orders. I was like, yes. Is it her voice or is it a different voice? It's her voice. Oh, okay.

Okay. Just making sure. I was doing a voice. Oh, okay. Just making sure. He lives with his grandfather who's always in bed. I live with my grandfather. Yeah.

He's like Grandpa Joe from Willy Wonka. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Totally. Yes. Gail is fine. It was scary for a minute, but everything is good. I took her home yesterday.

Everything is fine. So she's back home. I'm very happy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Anyway. Nice. Things are good.

You're a good son. Yes. And I brought her a bunch of balloons and stuff and like candies and everything. Wow, that's so sweet. You're a very good son. Yeah, and I cleaned up the house a little. That's so sweet. You're a very good son.

Yeah, and I cleaned up the house a little. And she hates how the heater or whatever blows on her from the floor vents. So I made a bunch of different duct work with cardboard boxes, like angular duct work. That's going to start a fire. No, it's okay. No, no, no. I'm just kidding. Yeah. No, I don't think it will.

How close is it? It blows on her? What is it? A radiator or is it a floor vent thing? And you just angled it upward? I built a cardboard bonfire. Duck.

Cardboard can't catch on fire. Well, it's what you literally use as kindling. From a heater. No, you use wood as kindling. Newspaper. Yeah. Use cardboard? Yeah.

No. No, cardboard burns weird. You're wrong. Okay. Oh, no. Nelly, can you Google if cardboard can catch fire next to a floor radiator? Yeah. Type in cardboard catch fire floor heater.

No, no, no. Because they'll think it's like a space heater, not floor duct. Is it like the vent with like the slits kind of thing? Yes. That probably wouldn't catch. You don't think you could... If a spark escapes.

But I don't think that would spark. I think the ones that are like that are... Literally, it's not this. It's a floor vent. We know what it is. It's a baseboard heater.

It's a graded vent. No, is it a baseboard? I don't think it's... I think he's saying it's the flush one with the slits. Baseboard's like around the whole thing, right?

Am I dumb? You're not... Is yours... Is it flush with the wall or. Baseboard's like around the whole thing, right? Am I dumb? You're not. Is it flush with the wall or is it coming out of the bottom where that brown stuff is? Does it come out? It's flush with the wall. I'm not an idiot. I don't think that would catch fire.

That's fine. I'm not putting cardboard on an exposed wiring for heating. You know what I mean about the baseboard heater. Yes. Thank you, Jake. No problem. Jake helped us get there. Anyway, it was fun. Sounds fun.

Oh, we watched Knives Out. That was great. I loved it. Oh my God. What edge of your seat romp at the cinema? It's just a good time. Dude, Tommy Pope said he loved the menu. What are we doing romp at the cinema. It's just a good time. Yeah. It's just a good time. Dude, Tommy Pope said he loved the menu.

What are we doing? People like the menu. Oh. There's a handful of people that have told me they like it. Did you see it? No, I didn't see it. She told me it was bad. It really sucked.

Yeah, she said you guys hated it. It was just, there's no way around it. It was just shitty. The girl in it sucked. Her face looked like it was always. Triangle face. Yeah, it was like very Jordan-y. Does this change your opinion? But apparently

the guy is based on a real chef. Yeah, all chefs are nuts. Yeah, all chefs are nuts. Does that change anything? Have you ever worked in a kitchen? No, because it's absurd. It's basically a group of people being like, it is so difficult to work with this man. And then they're like, let's make

a movie about it. So then they just go absurdist to the point that it's not. They should have eaten them. That's it. They should have eaten. Like cannibalism? Yes. They should have eaten them. Nobody got eaten and that's the dumbest thing. It should have been a reveal that the food they were eating was made

from a guy. It was like one of the guests. Yeah, it was dumb. We need to sit in these writers rooms. The marshmallow part? What are we doing? Do you think there's cannibals in New York? Oh boy. Central Park, Prospect Park.

Oh boy. I was thinking maybe. Do you think there's at least a person Prospect Park. Oh, boy. You don't think so? I was thinking maybe. What? Like one of their heroin butters dies? Do you think there's at least a person every year or two eating? Maybe. No. Maybe. I think maybe.

I think yes. I think maybe. I'm going to go yes. No, no, no. I'm going to go yes. Because guess, you're saying homeless. Guess what? What are you going to make us guess?

Guess what? I asked them and they said no I don't eat anybody oh stinky pee yeah no he's not we'll have a time thing I think that there is at least one cannibal

in New York right now or one person eating a year I think I'm saying the average one in the country I'm saying my buddy dies I got a

I got a trash fire going people disappear in the city a handful I would say one of those people disappearing getting eaten

their dinner no Koreatown what are we doing People disappear in the city. A handful. I would say one of those people disappearing. Getting eaten. Their dinner. No. I don't think so. Koreatown? What are we doing? Maybe if you have the cat mask on. Hello.

Awesome. That would be funny in that sketch. Just a Koreaa person running after somebody dresses cat woman no i'm not a cat i'm an alive man no stop i was just trying to get some pussy It's not my fault we stopped DMing. The cat mask came with the... Oh, was that Nelly? That was a good fucking throw. Damn. For a lesbian, you got a good arm. Jesus, what do you mean for a lesbian?

I mean, for a woman. We should put Nelly in the mask with the boots she's wearing. Nelly, come over here. She's literally wearing Catwoman boots and no pants. You don't have pants? No, no pants. Oh, sorry I look in a woman's eyes when I talk to them. It's because you're gay.

I'm gay. I'm sorry. It's alright. It's one or the other Me and Ian or I get to call you gay all the time Choice is yours Call me gay all the time then bitch I get to hit you back then

I'm not gay This isn't a fucking one way street Yeah go ahead Cause I got some fucking Bullets in the chamber You ready to cry? Should we do a little Russian roulette right now? No I don't really some fucking bullets in the chamber. What do you got? Oh, cause I know. Yeah. Should we do a little Russian roulette right now?

No, it don't really, it don't really come between us. That stuff, Island, those boys really love each other. It's quite sweet. They really do.

And they live together. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. They do that. Dude. I've, I've known Tommy since I started comedy. Yeah.

But they got, they got a good... They live together. Fucking... Who's... He's a Philly guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they live together and it's so fun. They're Bert and Ernie, truly. Yeah. And dude, the funniest thing is when

me and my ex came back and had this tumultultuous like 48 hour love affair and we were laying in bed and you know talking and holding each other and she had borrowed a shirt to um wear like one of my shirts you know so she was like naked wearing a shirt and she was like you know i love you and always like i always love you really kissing and i looked down and she was wearing my stuff island shirt with tommy and chris's partner and he on it yeah it's like you gotta take this off because i'm getting too hard yeah i lost the minor threat shirt with the and one of my squeezy bottles you can't a relationship you lost the minor threat shirt wait you fucking

asshole that's my shirt i know that's not okay i know i already told you about it and you already you can't through a relationship you lost the minor threat shirt you fucking asshole that's my shirt I know that's not okay I know I already told you about it and you already scolded me so I don't know why we're going through this again well when are you going to get it

I'll get it back no it's gone I'll fucking go over there knock him in the face and then fucking get it back I'm going to get a new one okay I'll order one right now

do it okay no don't talk amongst yourselves no don't. No, don't. So Jake Jordan's a nightmare. And... No, a nightmare.

He doesn't think I'm a nightmare. He thinks the only thing nightmarish about me is that I wake up late so we can't play long enough. I get a little nervous with the flights sometimes. Whenever we fly, I'm nervous. He he's like this i get on the plane and he's like and i'm like i'm here and the door shuts right behind me yeah it's crazy yeah well because it's like i i almost was in uh cleveland alone yeah yeah by seconds where did we fly that we met up together in the morning was Was that to San Diego?

When I stole the thing? Yeah, San Diego. Yeah, Nellie said she found a lot of neck pillows. You gotta toss those out once you're done with them if you're just gonna steal them every time you go to the airport. Oh yeah, I steal them. I use them. I forget them and I steal them again. Can I tell you a good thing you could do? When you're done with it,

leave it at the airport for somebody else to use. Who's gonna use a neck pillow? Who's going to find a neck pillow and use it? Would you do that? No. Are you just saying that? I don't think I would. Okay.

Should I go up and give it to someone and go, I have a gift for you? Go up and say, I washed my neck. Go up and... I promise, I don't have crabs. Maybe you just leave it. I don't have crabs maybe you just leave it I don't know but you gotta find a way

maybe bring a neck pillow on uh with you with you when you go wait but why are you leaving the neck pillow I think I missed why do you leave it

because what he does is he leaves his house no neck pillow goes to the airport I need a neck pillow steals a neck pillow comes home with a neck pillow

now I got two neck pillows now I got no you got more than two neck pillows buddy you got a lot of neck pillows yeah you got two neck pillows. No, you've got more than two neck pillows, buddy. You've got a lot of neck pillows. You've got plenty of neck pillows. How many neck pillows, Nelly? Go ahead and you tell us. How many is it?

I may have got up there, Nells. Five neck pillows. You've got about five. One for each finger. Yeah, you've got five for one each of your little neck fingers. I've got little neck fingers. I think actually you could neck, arm, arm, leg, leg. What are we doing fingers. I think actually you could.

Neck, arm, arm, leg, leg. What are we doing? That'd be kind of nice. You know that you almost spelled out the five percenter acronym for Allah. Arm, leg, leg, arm, head. Wow. That is great. Is that what?

That's what they believe. Five percenters believe is like the one true God. Let is great. Is that what? That's what they believe. That's what five percenters believe is like the one true God. Let's see. Five percenters is like a black separatist group that believes that 85% of the world is dumb, uneducated, and they're under the thumb of the 10% of the elites. And it's up to the 5% that have true knowledge to free the 85%. I thought the elites were 1 percent seems like the five percent are not great at math well that's racist yeah that's fair which let's unrace this i'm not saying that

because they're black the public school system's fault white what is that we did it what we did it we did everything. Where were we just recently? Where was that? Cleveland. Cleveland Rolls. Favorite club. Best club there is.

Yeah, Hilarities is great. Got the bat. We're going to put the baseball bat up. It's going to look sick. We're going to put the bat up. Yep. It's going to look great. Yeah.

Yep. Did you get a poster? I got a poster. It's upstairs. Small poster. Oh, also Moon Tower Did you see that poster? No It's going to be announced tomorrow

And it has all these people I know we're little fonts There's like 10 podcasts and we're one of them Oh you're doing a live pod You're doing a live pod there? Yeah What are the other ones? A bunch of shit oh

okay cool yeah nice is that cool yeah that rules what are we gonna do a live pod we're gonna do stand up and then a live pod are we gonna have a live pod yeah we'll find a guest down there we'll do a little thing with us and bring a guest on cool Cool. Hey, fuck the Booker of Vale. Eat my fucking ass. You're fucking nuts. He sent me another offer separate than you. That dude, if you've ever had these. Yeah, because I put my fucking foot down.

I was like, this isn't the way you treat people. Totally, but then to think that I would be like, okay. Crazy. I met that guy once. Really? What was he like? He's like very new to comedy Older guy that's like been doing comedy for like a year or two Yeah he just does coke at night

Or something and gets excited Maybe he seemed like a professional He seemed like a guy that like you know Has like a salary Yeah that's what I mean coke at night gets a little crazy But like he looks like a teacher almost Like glasses Like everything

That guy sucks but support the festival He looks like a teacher almost. He's got glasses, like everything. Look, that guy sucks, but support the festival because it is a good thing. He brings a lot of comics together, and it is really good for that scene and that area. He's just a lot to deal with, and he'll learn in time. You know, when we're all getting into comedy, we don't know what's going on, you know? Well, I was thinking about something else. Shout out. Oh, I'm not ready for that.

No, do it. What? Yeah, do it. Well, at some point I have to drag my sister's husband pretty hard publicly, but we have to wait for it. Put it on ice. Put it on ice. Oh. He's got to get dragged.

So you're going to, yeah? Let's give us some ammo and we'll write jokes about him no I mean at some point I'm just gonna have to post a clip where I'm like this person this person here is his name

joke insert joke and have you talked about it at all on the pod in the past kind of yeah kind of but we dabble in it

gotta gotta you just dip that down yeah I'm gonna make it so that he can't he doesn't work in this town ever again you know what I'm saying

I need to break his knees, dude. I feel like I'm being... I don't think you should be doing that. Breaking the knees. What do you think? How do you feel that? Not talking about it and just doing it. Oh. Now you can't do it. Now you can't do it. But you could break his hands.

Or elbow. Don't mention that. Break the elbow. What kind? You know how you could break his knees? With a cat mask on? Cat mask? Yeah. I'll be that. Break the elbow. You know how you could break his knees? With a cat mask on? I'll be him. You be you. Wear the cat mask. No, no, no. No tase. You can tase him.

Tase with your tongue. I'm just saying, what world do we live in? Where? Where a dude gets to do that to somebody's sister and nobody fucks him up? Yeah, it's illegal to then assault somebody. No, if my dad was alive...

You're from New York, pussy. I'm not going to assault him. But what about... As your legal counsel. I'm strongly advising against this. What about car paint on the car? That's what my dad did when my mom cheated on him. I think you could fuck the car, sure.

Fuck the car? No, no, no. Fuck the car. Put the tailpipe in your puss. Like, this car's mine now. What? Squirting the tailpipe? What's going on? Fuck the car. What is happening? You need to have sex with somebody. I haven't had sex in so long.

Jolly Rancher. I'm gonna die alone. What does the Jolly Rancher do? Didn't that thing, like sex in so long Jolly Rancher I'm gonna die alone what what does a Jolly Rancher do didn't that thing like you suck a Jolly Rancher put it on the window and then it gets stuck and then they take it off

breaks the window whoa we shouldn't be eating those there's all these little pranks or like you lick that's not a prank baloney and then you put it on

and then it takes the paint off there's all these like little food piss pucks we shouldn't be eating those things you know what a piss puck is what about water in the gas tank that ruins it for life

do that what's a piss puck water water in the gas tank? That ruins it for life. Do that. What's a piss puck? Sugar in the gas tank. Sugar. Piss puck. Sugar is my water. You cut the bottom of this off, piss in it, freeze it, pop the puck out, chuck it under a door, put it in someone's window.

It melts. Piss everywhere. That's genius. Yeah. I won't drink water for like two days. Just get a brown puck. Whip it in there. You could probably sell it in your DMs. That guy

that was like, I want to lick your bat. Sell him your piss puck. Oh, we got it. Merch. Merch drop at the show. Piss puck merch. Puck piss. We gotta nail down a time for you to bleach your asshole on the pod.

Whenever. Tomorrow. Wait, you're bleaching assholes? Both of you or just you? Just her. I'll commentate. And it's going to be live. We can do it.

In the studio. They're not going to see my asshole. How does someone bleach it? Nah, that's what I had to talk to you about. We need you to take one for the team. What? You got it. I'm sorry.

You do it. I'm not going to do it. You do it. No, we'll see. Well, um, we'll fix it up in post. We have a curtain. It's just my face getting my asshole bleached. Oh, got it, got it, got it, got it.

And wax. They could wax it too. They could wax the whole thing. Well, they're down there. They might as well do the, you know. Yeah. Have them do a whole Brazilian wax and bleach the asshole. Well, Corey's gonna do it.

Full treatment. Does she do waxing? She doesn't do waxing, but she'll bleach your asshole. That's weird. Why? Why? She's just a friend of yours that's gonna bleach my asshole who's not a professional? She's bleached hers before. Really? How? You could bleach your own? I think so. With a bleaching kit?

Or did she just offer to do this? On both. Well, Nellie could bleach my asshole. I'm not having your friend bleach my asshole if she doesn't know what she's doing. All right, well, easy with the stink on it. Well, ask her if she's an asshole bleacher. I'm not just going to have some person come in here and say, figure it out. Oh, sorry the person was getting their asshole bleached on the podcast as standards.

Sorry. Okay, first of all, I don't have anything to come after first of all. Let's just do me a favor and brush up on the bleaches. Is that how you do it? I can see a little brush out the brown. I don't know. I don't think that it makes sense. I think you have to go to a place.

Nelly? No, you can bleach. You've had your asshole bleached. You can bleach your asshole in the privacy of your own home. You get a little kick. Really? Yes. Like teeth whitening?

And you just boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Well, we should do something more extreme then. We should get me a full wax or something. Sure. You know what I mean Something that hurts Just tase the asshole Let's tase your asshole No

That would be scary I think tasing a cheek would be funny I think it'd clench It would clench There's a video of a woman tasing her pussy on YouTube. I don't even have one, and I felt it. And then she tased it so hard she had to go to the hospital. She had a stroke, and she's never been the same.

Really? What? Do you think she came, though? No. I feel like it might. What? Imagine tasing your dick. Would you come?

Maybe. There's no way. No, but women get off on vibrations. That's not a vibration. It's a needle. It's not a needle. It's a shock. It's a shock.

Like a... Yeah. Like my muscle cramped. Try it. I feel like that would feel... Okay. I don't know. The pain would overwhelm the spasm.

Some people like the pain. Some people like the pain. Yeah. I'm going to look it up. No, no, no. We're just going to do it. Tase your puss. Tase your pussies. Tase your pussies.

It's true. I'm more of a woman. I had a huge vagina. They wouldn't come. Oh, fat puss Jakey. That's what they call me. Fat puss Vasquez. You ever seen a fat pussy?

One of my stepbrothers one time goes, she has a fat pussy. And I've always wondered what that means. What does that mean? It's got a little. Like a big plumper. Yeah, it's got like weight to it. Yeah, like big lips. But could a really skinny person have a fat pussy?

Sure. Really? Anyone could have any type of pussy. You know when you see a girl in a bikini and there's somewhat of like, not like a dick bulge, but like it bulges. Yeah, like that's a fat pussy. Camel toe is a fat pussy? Anyone could have any type of pussy. You know when you see a girl in a bikini and there's somewhat of like, not like a dick bulge, but like a camel toe. Camel toe is a fat pussy. The moose knuckle. Yeah, the moose knuckle.

Coming in hot, Ethan. You can tell. Ethan came to a show once. He was with a hot date, by the way. With a moose knuckle? I don't know. She could have had a fat puss. Which one was the hot date? Is it the crazy girl? No, we're not doing that. That's not hot. Enough. Why is it not hot?

She's not really crazy. You just say she's crazy. She's an e-girl. Here's the thing. Does she or does she not live on a table? If she doesn't live on a table, not that I know of. There you go.

Not that bad. You know what an e-girl is? This girl I was living on was like one of those plastic, like, it's that table. It's that table. She's living on the equipment table.

She's not living there. There's no way. I don't know where she lives. It looked like she was getting a tattoo, maybe. No, but that's where she lives. That's an e-girl.

That's where she, that chick's not an e-girl. That chick's just hot on the internet. So they're like emo. No, no, no, no, no. I'm not quite sure. She's an e-girl, right? What's e-girl?

What's in your definition? You saw her. I saw her for a second. By Jordan's definition, it's like an internet girl. It would be like an alt girl, like an alternative girl. She wishes. Alternative girl is like, is like, is like. What's that?

Marcy Playground. It's my mom. Do you want to get it? Hi, mom. You're on the podcast. Being in with Jake and Ian. Jake's here. Jakey's here. Say hi to Jake. Hi, Jake. Say hi on the podcast, Being Ian with Jake and Ian. Jake's here. Jakey's here.

Say hi to Jake. Hi, Jake. Say hi to Ian. How are you? Hi, Ian. Hi. My mom loves Jake. She's partial to you.

I like Ian, too. Oh. Yeah, thanks. Nellie's here, too, if you can believe it. Oh, my God. And Ethan. It's a confluence of high roller, funny, neurotic people. Yes.

Very true. Well, what could be more fun? Yeah. Spazzing out together. I'm, I'm slowly dying, but these two are doing good. Yeah. You know what it is. You know what it is.

You mean because of your physicality or because of that piece of shit boyfriend? My physicality is fine because of the boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend. Oh, you've got a parasite on your brain that won't... Allow me to eat? That won't allow you to eat.

Yeah, so the physicality is great. I thought she was just describing the podcast. Oh, she was asking if I'm PMSing or if I got dumped again. No, the dumping again. The PMS is going to happen pretty soon. That's going to be a dark time. We're going to walk down. Well, let's hope the Pms happens so that the dumping can stay

i know jesus christ i know anyway what are you calling to talk about something happened with my something happened with my sister more horrors oh oh yeah i mean it's just, yeah. No, that's not why I was calling. I was just calling to check in and, you know, sort of have a little conversation with you. About Friday? Yeah, about whether it's viable at all. Okay, I'll call you back and talk to you about it. Yeah, yeah, we'll talk later.

You have a fun podcast. See you, gentlemen. Have a lovely time. Bye, Sue. Bye. That was nice. She's the best. Bye Sue. That was nice. She's the best. I was thinking about tasing you while you were on the phone

with her. That would have been fun. Do you have the taser? No. I leave it over here so you can't tase me. It's not fair. You can't. That's a breach of trust. What the fuck happened there? Oh my god. You got Tay's brain.

I wouldn't do that. What's going on with your love life, Jake? Huh? I'm single. Yeah, he's fucking fat chicks and psychos on the road. Steez and queez. You're getting Jordan's leftovers. That's true.

You're getting laid because of Jordan. You want to hear this? I get DMs for you what? I've had one or two like I put a story up of you and at least one girl was like it's a shame that you're straight I get the women

but I don't get the men the men are scared I get the men but they're like you have great comedy and I'm like thanks and they're like I want to fuck you in your knee pit and I'm like what? and they're like i want to fuck you in your knee pit and i'm like what and they're like sorry and then that's nice it's not nice no but it's a laddering the worst is the guy who said i saw you at the fourth of july thing with louis and you looked really

good and you have everybody else fooled in thinking that you're an unattractive person and i was like i put makeup on every day wait he said you have everybody fooled he was like I saw you dressed up and you have everybody fooled you're actually an attractive person and you have everybody fooled in thinking that you're ugly as fuck and I was like I mean I don't just try to you know

I get a lot of those I get a lot of those DMs what about the comment that you had it wasn't about it it was just about the that about the comment that you had? It wasn't about you. It was just about that comment. The comment about comments. What about the guy who emailed the million thread?

What did that guy say? He gets my emails for some reason. The thread that you showed me where the guy obsessively sent 150. Oh, yeah. For some reason, I get Jordan's Facebook messages. And some guy sent her like 30 messages about your pod and her stand up. And all very flattering, though. It's all very nice. But it was like 30 consecutive unanswered messages.

Oh, my God. It was really odd. And it was during the duration of a flight. So, like, we got off the flight and I switched off airplane mode and I just was like. Why do you use her messages? I had done like a Facebook ad for her once. It's just the Facebook page. Oh, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

What about you, Ethan? What's going on with you? What was the last date you went on? Why? So you can shame him for his e-girl love? Yeah, I haven't been on a date since the last time we've talked, really. Okay. Wait, so you live here?

Yeah, I live here. So do you guys see each other's sexcapades at the beginning? You see girls he brings home and vice versa? No, I haven't brought anybody back here yet. I'm not really home a lot either. Fair. Yeah, Jordan makes it sound like I'm some womanizer, but... You're not a womanizer.

You just go on dates, and I'm very interested. Yeah, I've only been on three dates since being here. Yeah, but you've been here a week. Wait, did we record me talking about what happened the other day on the date? What? No. Let's bring it to Patreon. It's bad.

What? It needs to be in Patreon. Oh. Well, that's what you got to listen to. Patreon.com slash B&E in pod. Remember when I was like, do you have your car? Or are you in the city? Colin Quinn.

Okay. Patreon. What? What? Okay. Let's wait let's wait dates when's this come out not for a while all right ianfidance.com jordanjensencomedy.com buy tickets in advance because listen if you guys wait for the last second even though you can do that it really does help us not get neurotic so if you can just like go and buy them when you think of it, just go to our websites. And I know it's like, Oh wait,

because maybe more buddies will go just buy them as is. It makes us feel better. We're really neurotic. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for everybody who bought Boston tickets. Going to be great. Boston. We had so much fun,

didn't we? Yes. Thanks for coming out to stress factory in Jersey. That was fucking great. It's fucking, things are good. Are they? It doesn't matter, doesn't matter what you say anymore.