Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein’ Ian With Jordan Episode 032 : I’M HERE! w/ Caitlin Peluffo

Episode Date: March 8, 2023

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian

Being Ian Life is ride When you're being Ian Being Ian Life is shit But you're positive Let's find out what it's like To live a life Being Ian Being Ian With Jordan Welcome to Beanie and Winona.

Beanie, Beanie, Beanie, Beanie, Beanie. All right. So. You requested to start. You may begin. It is Valentine's Day. This isn't coming out on Valentine's Day. It's coming out later.

But I have presents. For everybody. Really? Yes. That's so out later, but I have presents for everybody. Really? Yes. That's so funny because the other night at the cellar, I go, you want to get each other Valentine's Day gifts? And you go, no. I have not been the day that I saw you at the cellar when you were riffraffing with all my buddies and

I have not been that low in so long. Do you remember the buffet of food that was out? Bobby Kelly came up behind me and like put his hands on my shoulders and gave me a hug. And I, I couldn't even like receive it. You know what I mean?

And I'm like obsessed with Bobby. You look better today. Thanks. I have passed through the withdrawal. Good. Because it was bad physically. Yeah. Yes.

I looked fine. You were great, but it was really bad. Physically, yeah. Yes. I looked fine. You were great. But it was really bad and really fucked up. You were like translucent. Was I? Yeah. Really? Yeah, you look good now.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I was really, yeah, I wasn't eating. And I wasn't taking care of myself at all. And I was sleeping 12 hours a day. If I could use one word to describe you physically, it be fog it was bad it was very bad i went i yeah totally and then i you know what i did i made the call i called alan the comedy the comedian don't please don't yell at me or yuck my yams so all you know everybody was like everybody was like he's the best when it comes to dealing with like you know childhood trauma and, which I've been putting off forever

because I don't believe in it. And I'm like, that's, you know, everybody did the best they can and I'm fine because of that, but it's been getting in the way of my life. So I was like, time to deal with it. So I called him from the Equinox in Boston, more dissociated than I've ever been. And I tried to sound peppy. I was like, Hey, what Equinox? Uh, Jake has a membership. Um, I laid in the sauna face down and, uh, no,

I didn't really, I didn't a good place to hook up. Go ahead. Oh God. And then am I allowed to talk? Yeah. Oh, Hey,

Hey, we got so many things to say. Okay. We're not, we're not out. I'll start tasing. say. Chime in. I'll start tasing if you start thwapping. Okay. All right. So.

First off, Jordan, you look so skinny. Right? Thank you. Jordan looks great. Yes. Yes. Our station looks great on your fucking waist. Who are you? I'm Caitlin Palufo.

Also looking very skinny. Not from a breakup, but from very healthy Whole30. It's turned into an eating disorder. Thank you. Maple syrup. On to maple syrup flavored yogurt. Well, I am off sugar, and last night I really relapsed. I ate a whole entire thick milk chocolate heart.

That sounds so good. That's fine. It was great. Oh, my God. I lose weight on sugar. I eat too much when I lose weight on sugar. I eat too much when I'm not eating sugar. I thought of you, and that made me go, well, Jordan can eat sugar and lose weight. I'll do it.

And then I ordered $78 worth of cakes from Martha's Country Kitchen. The trick is you just eat. My dad dated this woman, the hottest woman I've ever met, so skinny, anorexic. She would cook meals for everybody, and then she would just walk around and watch us eat while she licked frosting off of a knife. You just eat the frosting parts. You just eat the top of donuts. Eat the top of cupcakes.

Yeah. Yeah. That sounds great. Yeah. Yeah. I haven't had sugar in really 40 days. You do. Wow.

I only slept four hours last night. You look great too. We're doing it. You're doing it the right way. Well, I mean, I'll gain it back immediately. No. But I've literally lost 18 pounds. But how do we?

What? Yeah. That's great. Jordan's face. I didn't know you and Steve broke up. I know. Well, like I. Yeah, that was good.

That was good. That was really good. Thank you. Okay. We're still together. We're in love. Because he's a little man. He's a tiny little man. Wait, 18 pounds? Yeah, yeah. And how long? You didn't look fat to me ever. Thank you. Okay. We're still together. We're in love. He's a little man. He's a tiny little man.

Wait, 18 pounds? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And how long? You didn't look fat to me ever. You never looked big. 35 days, 40 days. What's the secret? I literally, I'm doing that whole 30.

I think I've just been eating like shit for years. And that my body, as soon as I start eating right, they're like, and I'm still working out the same I used to. You're a whore. And so it literally just went. Sorry, sorry, sorry. No, no, it's okay. I am a whore.

But it is, I've seen you when you were younger and it's like, you just have that athletic build that's basically, it's like men when they do keto and they lose 50 pounds and they're like, they just have been eating like a road dog forever. Whereas I'm eating like one button and my body's like, I'm gonna make this into a burger for fun.

You know what I mean? Eating, what is your eating right? Eating right, I'm not having any dairy, which is the big one. That's the one I think that made me super bloated. No dairy, no gluten, no sugar, no alcohol, which is the other big one. Your 30 days, no booze. Yeah. Congrats.

And no weed. How do we keep it going? That's incredible. We keep it going by doing what we did today to stay sober tomorrow. And if we can do that, we'll be sober one day at a time. I don't think she's, you're not trying to be sober though. I would, I like it. Yes.

I really like it. I feel better on stage. My body feels better. I feel hotter. Yes, you are. And then I feel like funnier. Honestly, I hadn't seen you in a while. And when I walked in the apartment and saw you, I was hard.

Oh, thank you. Don't say that to me again saw you, I was hard. Oh, thank you. Don't say that to her again. No, I appreciate it. No, no, please. I need this. Yeah. I'm in my thirties and I would like to see that dick. Thank you.

I'm a creep. I was just pulling your chain. I can't get hard. Oh, no, I can. I like your cane. Thank you. Well, okay. So do you think you're going to,

what do you think you'll bring back in when you bring it back in? When I bring it back in? Um, I think I'll bring back. I mean, I know I'm not going to give up dairy forever because I love ice cream and stuff like that. But now I know I cannot have it every day because I was eating it like

every single meal. And that was just like, Ooh. What about instead of ice cream cheese? Well, that's Steve and I would bring home bricks of Brie and just eat that. Oh yeah. No wonder.

I was like, wow, I have rolls on my back. That's incredible. Like an apple. We did. We did. I would put like cherries and then bite it.

Yeah. Cheese is bad. It's not good. Unless you get a super, super, super age, sharp, hard one, which I think is less bad for you for some reason. Goat cheese and feta cheese is fine. Super aged, hard one.

What are we talking about? My dick again? Isn't that true? Isn't there something about the hard, hard cheeses that isn't so bad? I liked it. Thank you. Yeah.

Aged? Like brie is like the worst you can go. Blue cheese is not so good. It's all fat. The other day on Amtrak, I got a big cheese and crackers thing and then I didn't, I forgot to eat it. So I ate it on the subway. You ate warm cheese and crackers on the subway? I ate a lunchable on the subway. A downgraded train.

Can I just say, I think my favorite meal, call me crazy. All right. Delta Airlines. The Biscoff cookies dipped in coffee. What are we doing? Oh, it is very good. Have you had those cookies? Yes.

They're the best cookies. Yes. Have you had their quiche? No. What? What? Who's buying the Delta quiche? I was raised by lesbians.

I can never touch quiche again in my life. Why? Because it sounds like queef? My mom, every day, quiche is in the fridge. Quiche is in the fridge. Queef is in the fridge. Who has time to make a quiche? Quiche takes forever.

Quiche is in the fridge. That's why it was there, because you buy it from Wegmans, and you tell your kids they're fed. Quiche is in the fridge. Frozen, shitty Wegmans. Quiche. We had the Costco little bite quiches. I still love those to this day.

They have them in green and yellow. And I don't know what flavors they are. Like the sous vide eggs from Starbucks. I had those this morning. Oh, yeah. The egg whites. Egg white bites. Those are good.

Very good. They give them to you way too hot. Burn the shit out of them. Be real hot. Really burn your mouth. Really. I told them, I've said, do you mind not eating this up as much? And they're like, yeah, sure.

And it comes out just on fire. You know what those fucks do if you don't say no sweetener no little syrup they put their default is that and then you go splash milk splash milk and then they fucking throw a full calc to eat in there yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you say a pinch you say a pinch of milk. I say, give me the tea. Give me the tea. If I'm there, I'm getting the tea. I say oat milk. Oat milk. What are we doing? Not good for you. But boys are good. Is it not good for you? Well, it's not. I do almond milk now and it's great. Who knew we could milk almonds? I'm not sure. I'll give it to you.

Why not? I came to play. We're going to play. You want a milk and almond? You don't want a milk and almond? We're playing. Does everybody want their presents? Yeah, I'd love that. We have these carpentry pencils that somebody got me that are the most offensive things I've ever seen. All of this stuff is used.

Oh, are those those thick pencils? I like carpentry pencils, but I don't like what they say. So fun to sharpen. Ready? This is for you. Build like a girl because that's what you do. Jesus Christ.

I want to shoot myself. Is that a real thing? Did you really get this for me? Yeah. And this one says demo day. So that's for you because it's the least offensive. Oh, my God. And Nellie or Ethan, would either of you use this?

You sharpen it with a knife. Do you use a pencil? Okay. It says make all the things. It's the worst thing you could possibly say. One of those like. Yep. Nope.

Nope. My mom's friend, Martha Bazell. She's the best woman in the world, but my God, I can't handle it when people are like, lady carpenter. Okay. Do you watch the HGTV? They call it Demo day! And it's a whole arc of an episode.

It's just them destroying a house. In your back pocket. You put it in your ear and you're like, I got a thick fucking pencil. I have a carpentry shirt with a holder for a pencil. We have Calvin Klein jeans. Oh my God. They are great jeans, but in order to wear these jeans,

these great Calvin Klein jeans with the tag still on them, you have to own an ass. And as an assless chap, these ain't fitting me. And Caitlin, who has a beautiful ass, those are for you. Whoa, that's so nice. Show the ass. Take it out. Jordan, you're not looking at my butt.

I see that ass. I look at that ass all goddamn day. I want to slap her with a cane. You're getting real creepy. This is my gift for Ethan. Are you hard again? I know. I didn't get hard.

I was complimenting her as a joke. I didn't get hard. It was a joke? Ethan, this is your gift to write down your hate speech to me and in uh that you can't say out loud to us okay so all your little whining complaints can go in here okay sweet did you make it say ethan yeah that's very nice thank you okay next we have uh Get your eyeballs out of me. Next, we have...

Oh, this is actually a really good gift. We have a small gift for Nelly that she will cherish. And it is cherished to me. Sounds like a threat. It's very small. I don't want it to break. What is this? He's one of my little guys, and he's a good guy. Oh, let's see it.

You like that guy? Oh, it's a giraffe. A little wooden giraffe. That's nice. Then we have a Misfits patch for you. Whoa, thanks. We also have a Winsome Bakery shirt for you. Yes.

That's my favorite bakery. Do you already have it no we have the best gift of all time well actually well there are two really good gifts oh a medium i love medium winsome bakery shout out that's your cat hair on it in town is this good you'll wear this i'll put it on now okay good, good, because I like it. Don't do it. You're going to hurt your back. Oh, yeah. This is a ring that my stepbrother made me that I'll never wear, but you might like it. Whoa. Thanks. It looks like a dinosaur tooth.

Try your pinky. No? Not fit? It fits. Okay. That's cool looking. This is my favorite gift. Okay. For you. For me. Here we go. This is my favorite gift. Okay. For you. For me.

Here we go. These have changed my life. Oh boy. And I believe that of all people, you will feel the same way. Whoa. That is a thoughtful gift. Oh my goodness. Where did you get that?

I got it from the internet. I am touched. You got it so ahead of time for this episode. And I got, I have a stockpile of them. And I got two more things for Ethan because he deserves them. Okay. This is a gift card to, I'm not sure how much for. I'm not sure how much for, but to the bathhouse not sure how much for but to the bathhouse in Williamsburg.

Oh that's nice. And hey. Whoa. The bathhouse is like a spa. It's like a spa. It's amazing. You go in different baths. You relax because you need to relax because you do so much work for us. And then your last gift. A pregnancy test because you don't need it because you're a little slut. Oh.

There's going to be little baby Ethans running around Williamsburg That's fun Oh that's so nice Very thoughtful gifts Happy Valentine's Day I'm going to die alone No you're not you're going to die with us

Oh you know what You said no to me saying Should we get each other Valentine's Day gifts But I didn't listen and I got you something. Did you? Close your eyes. Oh my goodness. Is it something painful? It is a

book of Native American poetry. Oh damn it. Okay, close your eyes. I got you something else. Okay. Let me have Jordy's Leatherman. It is a clock. Oh shit, I forgot to bring the... let me have Jordy's Leatherman it is a clock oh shit I forgot to bring the

so you can be on time that's good I'm not done close your eyes a gift certificate oh this is from somebody else but I do want this thank you hey that bathhouse do go

yes I think it's nearby yeah I will try it I've never been to a spa me and my buddies went and they have like robes and it's like really fancy there's food you can eat it's a good date place yeah we went and I was like I'm gonna get pregnant in here this is great they have like a cold water plunge and everything it's very fancy

to be honest right before I left for here, I gathered a bunch of things. I could tell. That's so nice. I have a stockpile of those. I needed to give her the pants. I was like, that's a gift.

I'm so mad. This I put on and I was like, this would just fit Ian better. And to be honest, they gave it to me on a show that I didn't do that well on. So I kind of felt weird taking it. Oh, I know that show. But if you do want to get me something,

I would love a small on the other shirt that they have with the white and the red anyway that's just and uh yeah was that a half half half that was a half half um and then this you know was sitting in my room not gonna do anything with it i love it oh nice speaking of gifts thank you adam hell yeah dude he's the guy that makes my posters he He gave me this hat in Long Island. I really like it. Right? You want to wear it? No. Are you from Philly? Delaware, right outside of Philly.

And, oh, Year of the Knife sent me this shirt. It's going to change your life. And this is from a fan. Someone sent this. Her name is Arielle Babs. She sent me this. It's a lot. But this is a Babs. She sent me this. It's a lot, but this is a cool shirt. Wait, wait, please let me read each one. Oh, kitties. Look, look, look.

Look at this. Milf. Man, I love feline. I love that shirt. Isn't that great? Thank you. I love this. That's so good.

Happy Valentine's Day. No, I'm kidding. Here, put it on the cane and I'll take it back. I don't like that shirt. Can I have the post-its? Yeah. It's kitty cats. I saw Bowie says hello by the way. Bowie is such a good cat.

Bowie is a good cat. Ask me why. She's like a dog. Oh, but Samson's like a dog. I go. Can you not scream? Also, congrats on the pod killing it. Never mind.

Shirt's great. This is Ariel, by the way, or Babs with two un-murdered cats, dogs, and OnlyFans. That's really scary. This woman is really scary. She's nice. Ian, happy belated birthday. If you hate it or if it doesn't fit, let me know. I'll self-flagellate.

Okay, good bits. Tell Samson I say hi and that he is the best kitty. This feels like Zodiac killer vibe-ish. I'm so sorry. I need to see if she's hot or not or else it is. She's hot. Oh, okay. Wow.

Way to go. Hell yeah. Nice shirt. Love the shirt. Right? Yeah. Cool. Yeah.

This Wawa mug also. Nice shirt. Love the shirt. Right? Yeah. Yeah. This Wawa mug also. Inicio. Is there coffee in there? Got a little coffee? You know what? This is my favorite mug in the whole world. Wow. Here you go.

I don't want that. I'll take it. Can I have this? What is that, a taser? Yeah. In order to be on the show, you have to tase yourself. Oh, really? No, nobody's done it except for Jake.

Okay. But we have tased ourselves a million times. Is it painful? Yeah. Oh, I'm so curious. You should. Do you want me to do it first? No.

Try it. I'll do it. Maybe. Maybe that'll be the closer. It feels good. It feels good? I doubt that. It kind of wakes you up.

It feels like a tattoo. It's like a tattoo. Oh, okay. It wakes you up. It wakes you up. It wakes you up. It wakes you up. It wakes you up. It wakes you up. It wakes you up. It wakes you up. It wakes you up. It wakes you up. It wakes you up. It wakes you up. It wakes you up. It wakes you up. It wakes you up. It wakes you up. It wakes you up. It wakes you up. It wakes you up. It wakes you up. It wakes you up. It wakes you up. It wakes you up. It wakes you up. It wakes you up. It wakes you up. It wakes you up. It wakes you up. It wakes you up. It wakes you up. It wakes you up. It wakes you up. It wakes you up. It wakes you up. It wakes. It kind of wakes you up. It feels like a tattoo. It's like a tattoo. Oh, okay. That trickles through your body. All right. No, it's not. Yeah. Do you want to do a trust exercise where we tase each other?

Did you see how much Jake touched me? Absolutely. You put it on the clothes? Oh, my God. Why did you do it? I'm not doing that. That's crazy. You're the toughest chick I know.

I don't want you to be alone. You're like, ow, ow, ow. Here, give it to me. I won't. I won't. Wasn't that crazy? Yeah. I know.

Happy Valentine's Day. Oh. Yeah, we're getting way too used to it. Okay. Trust exercise. I'll getting way too used to it. Okay. Trust exercise. I'll let you do it to me. I really don't want to do that. That was a test.

I trust you. Okay. Because I did it to Jake and my hand held on too long. It wasn't, you know what I mean? Like, you know to pull it off once it hits you, but on somebody else, you're like, that's all right. And then his whole muscle spasms oh my god I think that was more of an experiment of the levels of evil

that someone could get to with control yeah we gotta hang up that Marlboro lady although I don't know if I like it she's great you know what I'd like to do I'd like to sawzall out her outline you know what I'm saying to do? I'd like to sawzall out her outline. Oh.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Or like just sharpie the back. Yeah. Do something in the background. Spray paint. Get one of those guys in Times Square that spray paints like a trippy sky. Oh, that'd be fun. Something weird.

Just like maybe just the MTA. Collage it. Can we think about that for a second? I remember collaging. Yeah yeah collaging was fun did you do that it was like right before vision boards became a thing oh god you take a tiger beat magazine you cut out every hot guy you could find you'd cut out words you'd make things you like you got a collage thick paper yes mine was mine was always women because i would always do like tillies you know because they looked like they had money. And I was just like, I want to be one of these

women. But we were four. And I was a JCPenney bitch. In sixth grade. Can we? Continue my story. In sixth grade, I subscribed. You don't even need the cane. Pussy. You felt my backup upstairs and you

went, oh. you know what? Can I finish? It was Dillard's. It wasn't Tilly's. Go ahead. We hear that. Those aren't the same thing. I subscribe to circus magazine and hit parader.

And there was a girl I liked and she told me she was obsessed with Gavin Rosdale from Bush. So I cut out all of his pictures and I gave them to her. And then begged my mom for plastic surgery to look like Gavin Rosdale. I think you're more handsome than Gavin Rosdale.

You dodged a bullet. He did not age well. Jokes on everyone because we ended up banging years later. I'm so happy for you. I don't know who the joke's on, but not you. It's great. Joke's on me because she had a lot of problems.

Oh, that didn't go well? Crazy. That's wild. No. You know how there's cutters? Well, she was a hitter. Like she would hit you? No, hit herself and then say things happen.

Oh, no. Not with me, but show up and be like, someone hit me. Can I just stay here? And I was like, oh, boy. Let me finish the therapy story. And her parents had to tell me she was a lot. And then I broke up with her in an Applebee's.

I wanted to do it in public. And she started hitting herself. Yes. Oh, no. Really? But a part of me was like, I think it's because she really likes me. Of course. I get two taps of the cane.

What an ego boost. Yeah, no, I ended up relapsing. Oh, no. Okay. So a sadder ending. How old are you? 24, no. Okay. So a sadder ending. How old were you? 24, 25. Whoops.

Just the saddest ending possible. You relapsed because she was hitting herself and it triggered it? No, I didn't relapse because of that. I relapsed because I wanted to. Oh, you're just like threading pieces of your life together. You're like, oh, and then somebody died in my family later on. No, and then I got a DUI and I called her and she was like, I'm not

hanging out with you because you drank again. And I was like, alright, bitch. Judgy, what? Go spank yourself again. That's what I'm saying. Why don't you go home and smack yourself around a little bit, you judgy whore. Can you not use...

Put trash everywhere? Oh, and also, I have a... And also... Oh, my gosh. And also, I have something else to say. Oops, I shaved off the wrong end. That's okay, because demo day will be gone. I have a sharp blade upstairs.

This is a sharp blade. No, no. Like Stanley. That's not what I want. Anyway, so I call this therapist who... Alan? The Alan guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And everybody's like, he's not taking new clients, but I'll give you his number, right? I call him and he goes, yeah, you can

see me Monday, okay? I go in there. I go, I thought you weren't taking any patients. He goes, I'm not, but I could tell by your voice. Oh, yeah. You needed. And I was trying to keep it together on the phone. I was like, hey, it's Jordan. And he could just glean that I was hurting for a squirting.

You know what I mean? Yeah. He's going to rub one out for you. It was great. I cried twice in his office. It was really intense. It's all quiet and nice and was like yeah yeah that makes perfect sense that you oh he was so clear about everything that's fantastic just let me speak and and i was like i'm sorry if that was too much like a lot of you know because i think that comics go in there and

are like esty he's mean to me that's what i think yeah yeah you know i was like sorry if that's like too heavy all the stuff i brought up and he was, you do not have to worry about that with me. And that was so relieving. And yeah, it was really nice. And I called my best friend, Harry, my other best friend, Harry. And I said, I just got into therapy. And he was like, hey, we talked for a while. And before we hung up, he goes, hey, I'm really proud of you. And I was like, you know what? You're right. This is a good step for me getting into therapy and dealing with my shit. That MSW I was seeing

for a bit, that wasn't a step. That was just a fucking bitch that I... That was you telling yourself that you're taking the step even though it wasn't a real step. It was some MSW that I knew wasn't going to say shit and she was just going to be shocked by. But then Feeney freaked me out and said that he thinks that Alan't going to say shit. And she was just going to be shocked by. But then Feeney freaked me out and said that he thinks that Alan is going to write like a tell all.

And you guys both know about the stuff that I cannot tell all about. You know what I'm saying? No. He can't. He's literally not allowed to. Yeah. He'd have to call you like patient X or something like that. No. Hey.

Look at me. I'm proud of you. Look at that. And you hey, look at me. I'm proud of you. Look at that. And you know what's funny? What? You came in and you gave us gifts, but you gave yourself the best gift. I think that's why I was able to give gifts. Oh, that's nice.

The gift of self-love. What were you saying, Ethan? Look how fucking good I am at sharpening. Wait, wait, Ethan, were you judging? That was so fast, too. Write it in your little book. It would take me like 10 minutes. No, really, that's a gift to yourself.

Yeah, that's really great. Good job. Yeah, it's huge. Really excited about it. It really is. Because I was all like, I'm not looking into childhood stuff, and then it's been getting in the way of my life. And I was like, you know what?

Maybe it's time to do that and stop thinking that I don't need to. Yeah. And now it says Demo D. Yeah, you got that. I'm going to destroy that dick. That D does some work. Demolishes. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. What? He's already writing in the rage book. Oh, no. Scribbling it away over there. He got judgy when I was like, you gave yourself the gift. He was like, eye roll. Yeah, look at him.

Yeah, I saw him just cross something out. I think it's your face. Yeah. Ian is a bad boy. eye roll. Look at him. Yeah, I saw him just cross something out. I think it's your face. Ian is a bad boy. I'm gay. Ian is gay. I knew that was... Oh, wow. What a revelation.

Okay. No. I got the sucker. It's still wet. It's still wet. It's still wet. It's still wet. What's still wet?

Her pussy when she saw you. Hell yeah. I'll take that. So you look hot. Thank you. Is it in the window? I want to see if anyone thinks. Because it's really nice out.

It is. How about this weather? Oh. Yeah. The man with the bad back should do a fucking double turn. I can't wait to see my osteopath. Shout out Dawn. Hi, Dawn.

Oh, she sounds strong, Dawn. Hi, Dawn. Oh, she sounds strong. Dawn. That's good. You too. I got you, babe. You can't be cupping, bro. I've never got cupped before. She cupped me.

I went to Persephone for acupuncture because my back went out Saturday And on the way to Governor's I had to lay down in Scopo's car Oh god Shout out Chris Scopo Been crushing it on the road Having fun, him being my little road dog

Although he listens to the worst music ever What does he listen to, Fall Out Boy? No Jake plays whatever to cheer me up. He knows exactly. He'll play Alabama right when I'm starting to cry. He plays Mets, fucking Sports Talk or like 101 Hits

and he's like, oh, it's Lady Gaga. Turn it up. Whoever the headliner is chooses the music unless that's what I'm saying. All right. That was fun. Are you okay, little sweetie? The window's open too much. Can you shut the window a little?

Also, too much. No, I'm not going to say it. I was going to say too much weight on the couch. Oh, don't you dare. Don't you dare say that. But it's from standing. Oh, it's. Yeah, that's exactly what he said.

Is it open a little? Oh, good work No, no, he didn't say anything about weight Nothing about weight Nothing about weight He said the standing is hard on the couch Yeah, I said we should not stand on the couch You said she's too fat on the couch No, no

You said I'm too fat on the couch No, I said park that fat ass on this What did he say? What did he say? I said What did he say? What did he say? He said he wants you to sit on his face. Take it for the parking garage and park that thing right on this spot. Wow, so graphic. I'm not going to

speak until I know what he said. He said that he was literally about standing on the couch. We should watch it. He said it in a man way. What was it? It was a man way. Like, I knew what he meant.

And I said, if you say that, what did he say in the man way? What was the man way he said? What did he say? He said there was too much concentrated weight when you stand on the couch. That's all. You think I'm dense though?

Yes. Only in the head. That's all. You think I'm dense? Yes. Only in the head. Okay. Well. I love you. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.

There we go. That's nice. I can't believe. Oh. He got your ass that's assault now I'm gay that's assault brother

that's assault brother you caught it take a dive in that thing alright let's get into it here I was like my stomach would take a dive in the 49ers? Can I tell you, having a cane is the best.

I love pointing. I love tapping. Yeah, it's good. Can I tell you something, though? Can we take that sticker off? Because it really is bothering me. Could I do that? I'll let you do that.

Yeah. Okay, great. Caitlin. Yes. Where are you going this weekend and why? What are you going to do? Where am I going this weekend? Do you have a holder?

I'm going to Portsmouth. I'm going to Portsmouth Music Hall. That's what I'm doing. I'm just going one night with Sweet Jill Wiener. No, you're not. You're going to Boston, bro. I'm going to Boston for Valentine's Day tomorrow, which is Tuesday.

Oh, yes, today. But today and tomorrow. Today and tomorrow, you're going to go. It's a Valentine's Day show. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because I'm in love and shit. Are you going to come up afterwards? Come up where? Together

You and Steve Yeah we do a Q&A at the end Oh yeah they wanted me to do a Q&A And I was like Yeah I love those Those are so fun Yeah I know But I had to leave

I had to drive home And I was so depressed Laugh Boston Great hotel It's gonna be so much fun Do they have a good bathtub? The host that I was there Was making out with her lesbian partner

The entire time I was there Was it out with her lesbian partner the entire time i uh was there was it caitlin i thought caitlin mcphee no no no it was a new girl oh which i thought i think caitlin might have switched to guys i have no idea i think she's yeah she's great comic great comic great booker great show yeah yeah yeah um but she last time i was there she was making out with her little lady. Oh, that's why I was. But I'm happy for it. Get it in. Have fun. This girl, they were the PDA was really out of control.

Maybe it was my own inner rage, but Jake was upset about it, too. So I don't think it's just me, but she was a sweet little host. And yeah, it's a great club. Great hotel. Let me think of a secret. They give you breakfast passes. Oh, that's nice. I never made it because I don't wake up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what's great about that hotel? Now it's sticky and bad. Here, use the Leatherman. That's why I didn't take it off because I knew it would be sticky and bad, but I let you. It's a little wet. No, no, no, no, no. Is there a sticker from the Stugats or something?

One of the skull stickers? Oh. Absolved. Let's see. Oh, no. Oh. Yeah. No, because it's sticky.

Pop that on there like that. Let go. Let go. Also, I could put stickers on my cane. Yeah, sticker it up. I don't think I'm going to need it after I see the osteopath. What is an osteopath? You're putting a lot of hope in this woman.

Osteopath. Well, I saw an osteopath initially when I had the back problem and he fixed me. Oh, good. So an osteopath is like the eastern medicine answer to chiropractor. Okay. Is that with the needles?

No, that's acupuncture. Now is it legit or not? Osteopath. Tell it to my L4 and L5. But if it was fully legit, I wouldn't have to go back. But I also didn't do all the physical therapy. We all know chiropractors are bullshit, right? I've never been to one.

Do you hate me? For the mic? Write it in the book. Chiropractor is bullshit. That noise has to stop. It's getting it off though. I can't even believe how bad it is.

What? How bad the noise is. Oh, yeah. Is it picking up on the mic? It's so bad. It's making all the hairs on my body. I know. I'm tensed up right now.

I had to choose between OCD or that, you know, whatever that is. Autism. Okay. So this podcast is an advertisement for riddling we've heard that you know what listen i gotta tell you all right let's focus you were gonna initially no it's not thank. I love you so much. I've been focused. You.

You're doing. Oh, no. You. Oh, that's good. Good. Yeah. Shout fixed it. Yeah. Shout out Absorbed.

Great hardcore band from Salt Lake City. Oh, really? That seems like an oxymoron. So sticky on one side. Well, we're going to stick it up with another sticker. You're going to get a lot of stickers. So here's the thing. The osteopath literally, I went to a muscle testing guy and he went like this,

put your arm out. Okay. He went like this. He went, he went resist my arm. Right. And he goes, no, don't resist that much. Just a little bit. He goes, okay. Are you allergic to a weed? Are you allergic to Klonopin? Whatever. Are you allergic to all these things? Right. And then he just starts skipping goes, are you, is she allergic to what's in book one? i'm like what is book one he goes my book over there full of things i'm like how would i know what the fucking i've never read that book he's like i'm asking your inner self and i'm like my inner self hasn't read the fucking book i get being like iron or whatever maybe yeah yeah yeah like in in the most hippiest sense that I could possibly get, but I could not imagine, but that's too, it crossed a line. Anyway,

is it kind of like that? Yo, I'm back to the jewel. Have we heard of these? What are we doing, man? Nelly, did you see this?

We're going back to jewel, dude. It feels way better. Fuck these fucking pink vape hats. Proposal for the, for the podcast. Jordan wears a shock collar. And every time a subject is

jumped, we shock. We don't have that, so we'll improvise. There you go. Stay on topic, bitch. Okay, so the osteopath. That really traumatized her a little bit. I saw her face. People have to apologize to me all the time.

People turn a corner and I'm like, oh my God. No, this is a street where people walk on. So what's this osteopath? Okay. So a couple of years ago, I got hit by a car on my bike. Oh yes. I separated my sacrum from my pelvis and I ended up slipping my L4 and L5. I went to the osteopath. He fixed me up.

The osteopath is so chiropractors do like quick adjustments. Like you'll hear like a creak, creak. They actually physically like crack the spine and the bone and like all these things. I'm just listening. The osteopath does these real subtle movements i truly don't know how it works have no fucking clue it feels like voodoo yeah it feels like some sort of grift yeah but whatever it is it worked okay describe it ready He'll go like this. Hold on, sit. Sit on the book.

Now, cross your leg here. And, uh... Okay, great. Um, now, uh... Hold on. Okay, great. And I'm like, what? Wait, is he pushing hard ever?

No. Wow. It's crazy. Like, reiki, but touching? No. Wow. It's crazy. Like Reiki, but touching? Kind of, yeah. I walked in with a cane, could not sit, could not move, walked out, no cane. Can I go and watch? He gave me like lifts in my shoes.

Wow. Helped, yes. And then I had sciatic nerve damage down my left leg. And he was like, just exercise, stretch. And then that went away. Wow. Riding the bike. He did recommend CAT scan, MRI, physical therapy.

And like Amy Winehouse, I said, no, no, no. So maybe that's why it really didn't. Yeah, it probably came back. It really came back. But I'm going to go see Dawn today. The other guy's name was Dr. Evan Weiss. He suggested me to Dawn because he doesn't have any appointments. Have you gone to the EKG?

Is that what it's called? That he's like Dr. Evan Weiss and she's just Dawn? That seems a little sexist. She's Dr. Dawn. Oh, she's Dr. Dawn? I don't even know if they're doctors. I'm going to some lady in the Bronx. Okay.

Is she in the Bronx? Yeah, she said, bring a goat and I have newt. We're going to bury my clam. Like, I'll clam my clam. Wait, so you, okay. Have you gotten any MRI or whatever it's called? I did. Did it say that you had a slipped disc or bulged disc?

No. At the time, it said I had scoliosis. Whoa. The fuck? How long ago was that? This was 2020. This time in 2020 when I threw my back out the first time. Right.

When you had the cane before, what did they say? You had scoliosis. No, no, no. In 2020, the what did they say? You had scoliosis. No, no, no. In 2020, the guy, the chiropractor said I had scoliosis, but I said, you're just trying to get more money out of me. No. Yeah. So I had to be on bed rest because I threw my back out then.

Got better. And then I. I need you to answer an honest question. Yes. Did you throw your back out this time having sex? Ooh, no, I, I don't know what happened. It just went, you have sex. Yes. And then it hurt. No, it hurt before sex. Okay. So you did it anyway. Sleeping. You gotta do what you gotta do. So you did it anyway?

Sleeping. You got to do what you got to do. Sleeping in her bed did. Every time I've slept there, I woke up with a fucked up neck. My back hurt. I can't sleep. My pussy and my crack hurt. Mm hmm. I cannot sleep in a bed anymore.

Every bed I sleep in, I wake up spasming. What? So I had to move to the couch. Oh, no. And that helped. Yesterday was limping, spasming, walking. Did bed rest on the couch. Woke up, felt so much better.

Last night, bed, spasming, shaking, pain. Went to the couch, ate chocolate, better. That's okay. So osteopath fixed me. Lots of flights, better. That's okay. So, osteopath, fix me, lots of flights, lots of travel coming up,

that I'll be better. And I'll be able to sleep in the hotel. Okay, listen to me. The things you have to do, okay, is, are you an osteopath? I know about these things from,

she's a doctor, from hippie shit, and from being a runner, okay? Yes. If you are not here's what happens you don't drink water okay and then listen the the muscles get listen they get tight and tight and tight and tight and tight and then you make one movement and they

wrench and they make little micro tears and then those keep going and going and going you felt my thigh but you but that this thing here you need to roll out. You need to get a roller, whether it's a lacrosse ball or a roller. And you need to work on stretching your hamstrings every day, twice a day. Your hamstrings are connected to up there. So you're sitting and as you're sitting, listen to me, as you're sitting, this gets shorter and shorter and shorter. So then you stand up and you wrench your back and we're sitting a lot because we're lazy and that's what comics have to do. So you're not exercising on your bike, right?

You're not getting long walks. I have been riding the bike. Okay, so you threw yourself back into that without stretching a bunch first. Fact. Right, that's exactly what Harry did. He went from running, he fucked himself up and then he went right into cycling.

His muscles were like, we don't know how to do this. You can't go from tight ball into this guy you know what i mean yeah you gotta stretch and you gotta drink a lot of water well can i tell you a lot of times on flights it kind of acts up and i used to do this thing where during the flight i'd have to get up and walk back and forth but i've just been like uh because i've been on inside seats and i feel bad making people yeah so much oh yeah yeah yeah so i was flying a lot and then it started to hurt and then when i went to my mom's it kind of went a little and then it just stress also makes it worse oh yeah yeah yeah that's what i i heard too you keep your stress in your hips. John Sorno healing back pain.

He says if you have back pain you can heal it mentally because most of the time it's stress. I have that book. If it isn't chronic. I didn't read it. Just audible that shit. Audible that shit. That's what I did with the drinking. I feel great. Alan Kars.

It's helped a lot. I thought the drinking was going to be the thing I craved the most, but it's not. It's bread and butter. Bro. Yeah. He needs to write a book on that. He needs to write a book on vapes.

He did. Adequate smoking. The easy way. Doesn't. No, there's one specifically for vaping. Really? Is there one for sugar?

Yes. Overeating. Okay. Is there one for everything? What about only eating sugar? Um, I actually, i didn't do that what about love addiction i'm reading a book on love addiction holy shit is that the one i told you yes and the the cycle five of the chapters are exactly describing the cycle that i have been in with this person and the attraction that those two people have to each other and how it's crazy i was like i thought it's like it's like the book was about yeah but i didn't realize that that the avoidant is just as

much as an addict as the you know what i mean i didn't realize they both have opposite but the same problem so they come together and fuck each other all. Because it helps fuel their cycles. Right. But both of them are, the biggest fear is to be abandoned. Yeah. Very interesting. So then you abandon so you can control the abandonment. And then you need that back. Bro, I'm abandoning just because like, I don't know what's going on. I can't.

There's not enough time of the day. That's why I think if I lived with a person, like if I met somebody, I feel like three months in, I'm like, let's move in because this needs to be like a watching movies together. And that's it because we're not going to do shit. You know what I mean? I'm not taking a night off to do an activity. Yes.

Maybe daytime, but I'm asleep. Yeah, we do daytime dates. I should date a runner. You have to date a runner? I should date a runner. You should date date a runner? I should date a runner. You should date a chef. Remember my buddy? No.

Remember my buddy? No, they're crazy. Everybody says that. They're great. You know my buddy John that came and watched the podcast? The one you were like, he's hot. Yeah. He's a runner.

He's married with a kid. They're all married. Oh, no. Don't do that. You know, you talk about abandonment. You know what the key word in abandonment is? What? Done.

Banned. Come on. Pick up the guitar. Oh, I want the tambourine. Okay. Oh, there's Ethan. There's Ethan. Ethan, the arbiter of humor. Give it up. Wow. Well, she was the arbiter of haircuts. Is that fucking shaggy mop? He slays. That's why i gave him the pregnancy test it's gonna be weird when somebody's like i'm pregnant you're like well i have this you can show them the podcast she's already pregnant

why did you get him the pregnancy test and not plan b because i had the pregnancy test i didn't go shopping remember oh yeah i have those you don't have plan B at your house? I can't take plan B. Why? It fucks up your hormones. Yeah, for me, I'm taking it to term. Also, I've never been pregnant. Same. Isn't that crazy?

Every woman I know has had no short-term pregnancy. Have you? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. On my birthday. One of those. Thank you. You chose that day. Well, it was the earliest one available. I was like, get it out of me. Oh, the see you later. Yeah. Happy birthday. But to be fair,

it was with a guy who got arrested on the train for taking upskirt photos. Your birthday was your baby's death day. Yeah, I know. What? Upskirt photo guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who is this guy? Get into that. I was with him for like three years on and off he got arrested while we were together for taking upskirt photos on the train told me he didn't do it then pled

guilty and now he can't go to canada and i stayed with him for like two months late two months after that pled guilty for plea deal probably but he's still on the sex vendor list and he was doing it hold on he said he wasn't so how did he get he was doing it. Hold on. He said he wasn't. So how did he get caught? He said he wasn't to you. Yeah, he said he wasn't to me. He wouldn't tell me why he got arrested. One day he just didn't come home.

And I was like, where the hell are you? And he had been arrested and he didn't tell me for two days why he got arrested. I've always wanted to know what this guy looks like. I can show you. He's not attractive. I mean, he. Is he a comic? No. I've always wanted to know. Could I see him?

You dated Dan Aderman. Dude, Dan Aderman rules. He old wet lips. He's the best. Wait. Can I fuck Dove David off? Can we make that happen? Can you? It's up to you. Go for it. Okay. This guy.

He's a woodworker. Did somebody acknowledge my new iPhone case? Oh, it's very nice. It's an otter. Jordan, why don't you give this creep a pencil? Demo day. Oh, yeah. He's got rapist mouth.

He's got rapist mouth. He does. He does. He does. Wait till I show you the mouth. Hey, now wait. Mm-hmm. Did he ever tell you how he got caught? Look at the right mouth. He does. He does. He does. Wait till I show you the mouth. Hey, now wait. Did he ever tell you how he got caught? Look at the right mouth.

He just, oh, he looks like a creep. He's not an attractive. He looks like a wiggler. Well, when we met, he was in his thirties and I was like 24. So it was like six years older than me. But he said that there was an undercover cop and he was on this uh iphone thing and then the cop approached him but he was not wearing a uniform and so he told the guy to fuck off and then the guy tried to arrest him and he threw the phone onto the tracks and so

they were like you're obviously taking up for skirt photos but he was already suspicious or being suspicious because he was holding the phone like this underneath the girl's skirt. Why did he throw the phone on the track? Probably because he has pictures on there. I don't know. Now you're wearing such short skirts. What was she wearing? Put your legs together, babe.

How'd you meet him? Did you go up and go, hey, why is that phone taped to your shoe? Yeah, I'll give you a show. I was like, oh, it's love. He's so creative. Dude, that's love. He's so creative. Dude, that's awesome. Let's put a mirror on the bottom of this guy. For my grandfather's 82nd birthday, I got him a cane.

I put a mirror on the bottom. Hell yeah, it is. Yeah, it was great. He also told me the first joke I ever remember. Oh, what is it? Do you want to hear it? Yeah. He came home.

He worked in the city, and he came to me and my mom's, and he goes. Me, what is it? Do you want to hear it? No. He came home. He worked in the city and he came to me and my mom's and he goes, Me, my ma. What did he say? To your mom. He walked in. He walked in and goes, you're never going to believe it.

I stopped a rape today. And we were like, oh my God, what happened? He goes, I quit following her. That's Mark Cohen. Mark Cohen, best joke ever written. Ready for it? I've said it so many

times. I'll say it again. There goes Ethan writing. Cop came to my door. He said, we're looking for a rapist. I said, let me get my coat. We're looking for a local rapist. Shout out Mark Cohen one of the best

he should oh when we go to Vegas if we go to Vegas we have to work out that date I talked to Esty about it I have to decide would you go back I'm going back in September okay when are you going back uh I think we're looking at June June why are you telling me to not reach out

do you know why did you tell her can I tell you something me Did you tell her? Can I tell you something? Can I tell you something? Can I tell you something? I said, me and Ian want to go. Yes. I said, does this week work? Okay. She said, no, that week doesn't work. I said, right. I said, what about this one or this one? She said, yes, choose. And then I said, okay, I'll ask the gang, right? So if you email her and say, can I go to the... We have to wait. We have to choose a week.

Then I tell her the week that me and you want to go. Didn't you tell her? No, we haven't. We have discussed the date. We haven't chosen the week. We chose the July one, but have we chosen the other option? Yes, we did. Okay, Nelly, which one is it?

Which week are we going to Vegas? Nelly, you're it which week are we going to Vegas Nelly you're you're slinging it around town do you know Kevin Iso kind of fucked me one time wow he fucked me too I mean in what sense of the word he pulled out

oh I just made that joke he goes I told him I was going to Vegas and he hit Esty up and goes, can I go to Vegas with Ian? I'm his sponsor and he needs me there. And Esty was like, is this a problem? Is he okay? Are you all right? Do you have an issue that I need to be working? I was like, you fucking asshole. And he's like, I got you. And I was like, don't worry. Time will get you when your show gets canceled.

And it did. Yeah. He already got got because it was on Showtime. We're having fun. I'm here. Listen, I'm here. Okay. Wait, why did you say that?

Are you feeling left out? No, no, no. Those are just the organic. I did a good deed. I made a ha-ha. When? Okay, wait. Question number one.

Hold on. Ethan. Say the thing. Oh, it was June. I'm a little piss baby. I'm a little piss baby June June which? It's like 13th through 25th

I think That makes sense Okay I will email her and then after that you can email her and say Don't say hey can I go because I've already worked it out Just want to confirm. Yes just want to

confirm. That's how you say it. Just want to confirm these dates. She really taught me how to send in the emails. I was doing a bad thing. I did. And she literally emailed me the other day and she goes I'm going to start calling you the ditzy girl because you are so all over the place. And then she said. It's better than the fucking alcoholic. That's true.

The man with the problem. That's my second thing. She said I have to send a veils on Thursday because of how much I changed them. So you're the only one sending on Thursdays. Wow. Because I'm crazy. But you know what? I would just like to say that ISO thing

that is like incredibly unforgivable. I would be so mad if I were you. That is the worst bit ever. Because one, first of all, it's like putting you in a position where, first of all, he's horning in on your week, okay? Yes. Which maybe she just gives it to him and not you.

That's worse enough, unless he asked you to ask. He said we should try to go together. I was like, yeah, absolutely. That'd be fun. Oh, yeah. Because we are friends, and he just thought it was a fucking bit it would be highly irresponsible to send somebody to las vegas i know well jokes on him because she gave me the fucking weekend and not him and on top of it she never works him and i'm there we are the king and queen of pranks and that is a bad prank yeah no i wasn't

like good one yeah i'm not gonna tell you silly fun time yeah as he's drinking beer are you fucking stupid yeah that's wild yeah really wild yeah yeah yeah yeah not cool they're cool pranks and not cool they're cool pranks over here i don't know how you do it back in africa but you know we don't do that we don't do that here yeah we don't do those pranks and not cool pranks. There are cool pranks over here. I don't know how you do it back in Africa, but you know, we don't do that. We don't do that here. Yeah, we don't do those pranks here. We don't do those pranks here. In Africa, they might. Yeah, in Africa. But not here. Yeah.

And if he wants to make those pranks, I'll say, hey, go back to Africa to make those pranks. Do we say that? Are we now Patreon? Did we just put ourselves in Patreon? No. I'm saying I'm saying they probably do those jokes in Africa and if that's the case, you're more than welcome to go back and do those pranks. I don't think they do. They don't have laptops

in Africa. A lot of people don't know who Kevin Iso is, so I think you're safe. Nice. She's in on it. I remember when we were cutting out little, remember when we were cutting out little, little talking about Chinese guys having tiny dicks. We edited that out of a podcast years ago. Years

ago. Oh, yeah. Oh, good time gal. Now we're sending people back to Africa. We have gone a long way. It's crazy. We're just telling jokes and having smokes. It's crazy because Kevin's from Amsterdam. We gotta redo the intro. Is he really? No!

It's dark as night. He's my friend. Speaking of dark as night, when are we getting this asshole bleached? Oh, yeah. You guys are gonna do anal bleaching together? She's gonna bleach her ass. Why? Patreon.

I'm sure you have a very nice, lovely asshole. It's a lot. No, I think every... No, it's not. It's actually pretty. I looked at it. It's actually all right. I saw when you were in the bathroom, it looks like that TV when it's turned off. Wow.

Dark, and you can see yourself in it. That is pretty dark. It's just existential crisis and Jordan's asshole. Who am I? Why am I here? What brought me to this place? Dark, and if you look closely, it's got Hulu. I'm looking at him like,

I propose nothing. Can I borrow your password I need to unsubscribe from the Criterion Collection Now that I got this thing Speaking of which I need to unsubscribe from that I'm never watching that Is anybody watching that That's it I subscribe to it They don't have good movies on it

They have weird movies I don't subscribe to subscribing to that and it's, they don't have good movies on it. They have weird movies. I don't subscribe to subscribing to that. Write it down, Ethan. You fucking punk bitch. What did Ethan do? No, I love you. It's a bit we do. I mean, I get the haircut, but everything else.

I'm here. She is here. I'm here. I'm here and I'm roasting your ass. That's the name of the episode. I'm here. I'm here I'm here I'm here I'm here Tab of the cane to you I'm here Silly Billy

God bless America How's it going living in the basement are you doing okay what's happening with the hair well with my hair i like you know i've had the same guy cut my hair for like nine years nelly can cut hair can you gotta go to my guy, Arthur. Yeah, right. He takes it off as full just like a fucking Broadway cat's Broadway hair. Sorry. You're right. Even if it had it come out right.

I'm just afraid to have someone new cut my hair. It looks great. Why don't you move up into the office? I'm allergic to cats. Oh, right. You sleep down here? You know, they're working on creating a different protein to get rid of the enzyme that is in cat dander. Oh.

Or cat saliva, actually. Yeah, that won't fuck up any creatures. That's crazy. No, no, you give it to the person. Oh, oh, good, good. Oh, nice. Well, I mean, I have two weird looking cats and I don't sneeze at all.

Are they hairless? One's hairless. One is a Devon Rex. What? Devon Rex is the coolest name ever. What's a Devon Rex? If I got a Devon Rex, I would name it Devon Rex. Devon Rex sounds like an early 90s like heartthrob on like sitcoms or whatever. Yeah. I mean, she acts like it.

She is a heartthrob. Her cat's name is Bowie and she's a gloopy gloop that you can't even pick up because she's glooping out of your hands. She's like that. It's awesome. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. That's what you want. You have to bundle her up like Rufus from Rescuers Down Under.

You scoop under your arm like a kid going, I'm leaving with my cat. She's the cat with the curly hair. You see those cats sometimes, they have curly, curly hair. They don't have the dander or whatever or they have less of it or something. I had a stuffy nose for two weeks and now I'm over it. I was more allergic to Benny, who was my hairless cat,

than I was to Bowie. My mom sent me a bunch of medicine. Shout out, Gail. Oh, I saw some of that. A bunch of Zarbis and stuff. Take some. Okay. It helps with,

yeah. With the kitty cats? Well, now I'm fine. Now we live in a very small apartment and Benny will wake you up by fucking headbutting your face and be like,

I think I get a Frenchie. I think I get a Frenchie. You're going to get a French bulldog? This is a debate. Yeah, I was going to watch it on the weekends. Every week, this is a debate. You're a third party.

Okay. She wants to get a dog. Okay. A Frenchie. A French bulldog. Okay. And she says every time, every time. I'm going to tattoo him.

I'm going to get a French bulldog named Brutus and my roommates will watch him. No. And then. Nellie will. Nellie will watch him when I'm away. You're away all the time, and you're getting something and putting it off on someone else. I think you should get a dog that you can run with. Brutus, you can't run with a Frenchie. You haven't seen me run, girl.

I'm running on all fours. You're not lying. I say. You're a gallop. I'm doing an army crawl. You You're not lying. I say you're a gallop. You're more galloping. Yeah, yeah. It's a gallop, a golem crawl. Jordan runs like a dog scratching his ass on a carpet.

Yeah. I'm going to make it there. I'm going to make it there. No wonder your asshole's black. Don't have any more butt worms. That's how the black asshole's just scarred over. Once you get rid of them worms, you'll be able to run better. Dude, that always sucked when you saw a dog doing that at like a poor person's house.

You're like, fuck. There's worms in the house. That was my house growing up. One time I pulled the blanket back and. You saw worms? I pulled the blanket back on my own bed and it was covered in tape butt worms. Oh my God. Jordan, you shouldn't say that into a microphone.

Why did you admit that? That's crazy. And that's coming from a girl who dated a man who was a sex offender. Well, keep the worm story inside. It was one of the most traumatizing. Our cat had butt worms. We knew it. Save it for Ellen.

most traumatizing. Our cat had butt worms. We knew it because... Save it for Ellen! She was... Good God! I'm telling you, when you're white trash, you're white trash, man. I ripped up the carpets of Amar's childhood bedroom. Cat piss sunk in. And you live in a

nightmare! Yeah, it was bad. Yeah! Oh, Jordan. I remember the blanket, too. It was that shitty, shitty that your fingernails would get stuck on kind of blanket,. I remember the blanket, too. It was that shitty, shitty that your fingernails would get stuck on kind of blanket. And I remember pulling it back and being like, Dad. And I remember somehow him saying it was my fault. I don't even know how that's possible.

He was very embarrassed, I remembered. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then I just, yeah, we had to wash him in. Did you show him worms or your period? I showed him. A lot of girls get shamed for their periods. When I got discharged for the first time, I didn't know what it was and I would just wipe

and then keep a pile of tissues. Sorry. My ex-boyfriend would have tried to take a picture of it. Really? Joking. Oh, yeah. That guy, yeah. No, that was jokes.

She was real. What are you writing down? What are you writing down? Oh, no. Ethan's writing a puke list. A running puke list. Hey, maybe some people will resonate with having the barn cats. You know what I mean?

I mean, we had cat piss. My one cat would piss in my dad's shoes only every single morning. He was the only man in the house. Even the cats and the dogs were all women. And so the cat would be like, I'm pissing in these shoes. Yes. Every single morning. My dad put them on.

He was just like, squish, squish. One time I tried to super glue my mom's girlfriend who I hated. I tried to super glue her shoes so that it gets stuck to her feet. Because I saw Matilda when he does it with the hat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Super glue. Oh, no. Didn't do anything to it. You gotta get it while it's fresh. Yeah, right before she puts them in.

Yeah, I didn't think of it for a second. One time I put a banana peel on the floor for my mom to trip because I saw it in a cartoon and then she... Ian! Why is there a banana peel on the ground? Were you jerking off into the banana again, Ian?

People did do that. They jerked off into bananas. Into bananas? I think it's a good idea. Who? Think about it. No, maybe like a cantaloupe. No, no, no. You took the banana out in the peel. Oh, I could see that. Yeah. Okay. I'm down with it. Let's go try it.

Ian. Adrian. You're the only one with the apparatus. One time my mom accidentally fed me mealworms. That was fun. Oh, my God. What? Yep. She fed me a bowl of oatmeal, and there was an oatmeal thing that was for the lizard that

had mealworms. Of course you had a lizard. You were definitely a reptile kid. Joanna. I had lizards. I had gerbils that would eat each other. I had gerbils that would eat their own babies. I had a guinea pig that my dad made stay in the basement and then it froze to death. Oh my God. I had a chinchilla that got lost in the walls. I remember chili. Now I remember chili. Chili was, I know he was the best. We could rub his belly.

I miss Chili. I gave him to a younger kid when I went to college. You know, it's so funny. You're really building your case for why you should have a dog. All my animals had worms. They got lost in the wall. They'd eat each other. And then my dad would get mad at me.

I had rabbits. Time for me to adopt an innocent thing and have it be with me for 15 years. I had rabbits, but then, then my dad evicted some people, so they hit the rabbits with,

with their car. Good God. I was really fucked up. Yeah, you really gotta go see Alan. Yeah. Sub to the Patreon so Jordan can keep

getting a dog. Yeah. Alan A.G. You don't need a dog. You need a straight jacket and that's the show thank you guys for tuning in to another episode I'm just surrounded in objects

where's the show phone plugs where are you going to be this is going to come out in two weeks so where are you going to be on is going to come out in two weeks so where are you going to be on the oh boy um i don't know this will come out march 3rd so the where are you going to be this weekend of march 3rd and 4th i'm on the road with fortune feimster okay yeah yeah yeah please don't the weekend after that i I'm, um, I think I'm just March.

I'm mostly just opening for other people. And you have a podcast. I have a podcast called good time gal. You both have been on it and you were both wonderful. It was a good time. We should go together. We should. Oh,

it'd be fun. That'd be a silly, silly fun time. I would love that. It was so fun. March 3rd. I think I'm going to LA, uh,

because yeah, but I don't know what I'm doing there yet, but I think I'm going to L.A. because. Yeah, but I don't know what I'm doing there yet, but I think I'm going to go. And then after the weekend after that, I'm at the Comedy Attic in Bloomington. That's the 10th and 11th. That's the most magical place on Earth. Really? I love it there. And then I'm at Spokane the weekend after that. I'm there at the end of the month.

What do we think about Roar? Have you done that? You've done that. I've heard Roar is great The people are fun The ceilings are as high as you could possibly imagine. It's in a castle I will say Sunday March 5th Wise Guys

in Salt Lake City We're doing Ari Shafir and Friends. And then we are all skiing in Park City that week. I can't wait. That's great. And then March 10th and 11th, I'm at Comedy Connection in Rhode Island.

Great. And then the following weekend, I am at Arlington Giraffe Towns. Oh, fun. Oh, I'm doing that too. And then the weekend after that, I'm doing House of Comedy Detroit. I can't wait. That's great. Ian, I'm doing that too. And then the weekend after that, I'm doing a house of comedy Detroit. I can't wait. IanFidance.com

for dates and patreon.com slash beanie and pod. We love you. Thank you, Caitlin. You're the best. You're the best. I was here. She was here. Blow it J-Dog. It doesn't matter, doesn't matter what you say anymore