Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 034: Crazy Train W/ Jim Norton

Episode Date: March 22, 2023

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Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian

Being Ian And life is. When you're being Ian, being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a lie. Being Ian, being Ian. With Jordan.

Are we recording? I was getting a tattoo yesterday. And I was wearing those $300 pants. And one of the tattoo artists walked in and was like, those pants. And I like sat up from the tattoo and was like, let me tell you about these pants. Your $300 pants? Yeah, my friend Megan had Imogen and Willie like tough Kevlar. They're the ones I always wear. Oh. Are they like Carhartt pants?

They're like truly bulletproof. Carhartt is bullshit compared to these. They're crazy thick. I think they were like handmade or some shit. Good God. But the tattoo artist walked in and was like, what are those? And I was like, dog. Because my buddy got them from like a sale because it's her friend's company.

Like you, like I have them with your friend. And then she gave them to me and I never take them off. And when he noticed how amazing they were. They felt good. Yeah. What color are they? They're black and they have double knee and they're just so What's a double knee? Like a padding? Like a, like imagine a whole material

of the same material, but just on the knee like that. So that you can kneel down and not hurt your knees. Oh, they're the best. Imogen and Willie, great company. Send us shit, even if it's fucked up. We'll take it. And welcome to another episode of B&E with Jordan. Thank you for tuning in.

And I could not be happier about our guest today, Jim Norton. Thank you for coming. I'm delighted. I'm happy to be here. I'm very tired. Literally the same thing that Dave Attell said when we were like, we're so happy you're here, Dave. He was like, I'm thrilled. No, I'm happy to be here.

Well, you know, the discussion of the day is pants, and I am a fan. I got a new tattoo. Oh, yeah, that's right. You did. I should have it covered, but what is it? It's a bat. It's a little guy.

Oh, that's nice. It's pretty Ozzy Osbourne-ish. I like it a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. It hurts like the Dickens. Yeah, that spot's rough. You would never get a tattoo.

No, I wanted to get Ozzy on my knuckles when I was in high school, but I didn't do it. I was too indecisive, but I always had to fight the urge to get Ozzy on my knuckles. I was in high school, but I didn't do it. I was too indecisive, but I always had to fight the urge to get Ozzy on my knuckles. I'll do it for you. Would you like that?

I would love you if you got Ozzy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love Ozzy Osbourne. So do I. He's probably my favorite person. I will get Ozzy, and when people ask, I'll be like, it says Jim Norton. That would make me super happy.

All right, I'll do it. Patreon. Yeah, I would love that very much. But that's the only tattoo I've ever been tempted. My dad has one, like a Marine Corps tattoo, and I'm just, I'm too indecisive, and I knew I would regret it. Really?

Yeah. Why? Because there's nothing I like enough, and I think deep down I always knew that I was a fucking fazy douchebag. Like, I was a guy who gets obsessed with things, and then they go away, and then I'm done with them. Even though Ozzy, I never got over,

but I kind of knew that, like told me when you're 30 and you're trying to ask your girl out, you know, you're going to, you're Aussie on your knuckles is not going to be an easy sell. I'm getting Aussie. You should. It's amazing. That's perfect. Why don't you get it on your toes?

I like hand tattoos. I don't like the top, but I do like knuckle ones. I think Aussie has thanks in his palm. Really? And he has smiley faces on his knees, like little, little, like, like that he did in jail. So you should just get, like,

a two-dot smiley face on your knee. Ozzy has some great tattoos. What did he go to jail for? I want to say it was burglary when he was young. Not a long time, but I think he was, you know, a teenager breaking into someone's house or whatever. Yeah, yeah.

What'd you think of his, that commercial for the Super Bowl? Oswald? Yeah, Yeah, yeah. What do you think of his, that commercial for the Super Bowl? Oswald? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Loved it. Anything he does, I'm happy for him. Yeah. Because Sabbath got shit on for so long.

Nobody gave those guys anything. And then the Osbournes kind of made him this, like, cultural icon. So I'm always happy. Yeah. People hate to see their fucking favorite bands do it. I want to see Ozzy do a Kraft commercial. Anything he has to do to make money

I'm fucking happy The fact that he can be in anything Is what's great about it You can put him in a mac and cheese commercial And you're like, Ozzy rules Just because he's on TV Has made his way into this commercial You know what I watched the other day

First time in forever, the Jerky Boys The Jerky Boys movie, do you remember that? I do, I would say it's not my favorite film, but I did see it. Ozzy's in it. Was he? I don't remember that. Yes. He reps the band, this band Helmet, which is like a metal hardcore band.

They're in the movie. They do Symptom of the Universe, which is a Black Sabbath song. And Ozzy's the manager. And the two characters, Johnny and Kumal, they pick up, they become the roadies and Ozzy's like, what happened to my guys? He goes, ah, they just left. They're going on tour

with the monkeys and Ozzy's like, the monkeys? The fucking monkeys? That's his only line. I don't remember that. It's incredible. I love him so much from Trick or Treat. Remember he played a preacher talking about the devil's music or whatever in Trick or Treat, which I think was 83.

What was Trick or Treat? It was not a good horror film about, I think it was Trick or Treat. It was about something evil on Halloween. He played a preacher. I think Mark Price, Skippy from Family Ties, I think was in it. That was the first reality show, right? The Osbournes? Well, I mean, the real world at MTV, but the Osbournes

changed it, I think. That's what I mean by reality, like they were the OG Kardashians. Yeah. Oh, you mean like reality in terms of following a family around? Yeah, but even kind of reality in general. I mean, there was the real world, but besides like... There was the real world, road

rules, cops was a reality show kind of. I guess so, yeah, but not following the same people. That was more of a procedural reality show. Right. We were just kind of showing... Yeah, they had news anchors in the street. Yeah. Dude, I loved... The best was when the cameraman couldn't

keep up with the cops chasing someone. And you could hear him be like, running after some guy. And then he gets there at the end. They already beat the guy, but you don't see that on camera. Yeah, they just show him getting up all of a sudden. Wow, the guy's teeth are gone. What happened? He must have tripped.

Yeah. Somebody has a joke about it being like, they used to have cams. Remember cops? And Vecchione has a joke about relationships where he's like, like you can't have you need to have a boring person and a crazy person in a relationship you can't have two boring people because that's something i forget and he goes you can't have too crazy because that's the show cops yeah they're really good that's right i think about it all the time yeah you think you need a boring person in it no i need somebody who's tolerant of my weird shit yeah um but i don't need somebody who's weird shit I necessarily have to be tolerant of.

I want somebody who's high enough level. I need somebody who's tolerant of me. I don't necessarily have to be tolerant of them, but it would be great if they tolerated me. I can tolerate a certain amount of stuff. I like somebody who's weird to a certain degree, but I can't stomach fucking completely crazy. I can't do it. I've done it many times in my life. I can't do it now.

Good sex, but not worth it. Yeah, because the best. I've done it many times in my life. I can't do it now. Good sex, but not worth it. Yeah. Cause the best sex is usually from somebody who's unhinged. Totally. No inhibitions. Yeah. Well,

um, I said this on the last pod, but your boy, my favorite comedian of all time, Lenny Marcus. Yeah. Fucked me up. Why?

First of all, best advice ever given about the breakup was from you. You helped me so much really the way yeah you just like this you were just like yeah comedians have this sensation that if they if they stay in a really they're everything that comes around the corner is always a surprise anything could happen with comedy and then you get in a relationship and you get afraid that that'll just like take that sensation away right and that and that really helped me contextualize it really really helped me and then um but lenny was like once you meet the person you want to be with you you don't even you

don't even think about all of the others and then I was like always imagining his wife to be like a 50 year old angry Jewish woman met her she's 90 pounds the hottest woman I've ever seen yeah she's very attractive what the fuck Lenny yeah you can like, he made it sound like it was like, nah, you'll find your best friend out there. And she's, you know, and I was like, no, you found a hot young. Yeah. She can be his best friend. It's a person that's younger.

But there was something in me as a 30, almost 32 year old woman that was like, oh, I'm not about to be put out to pasture. You know what I mean? Like there are Lenny's out there who are meeting other 50 year old women and being like, you want to be angry together? But then I saw her and I was like, you look 10 years younger than me. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. She's very attractive. She's beautiful. Lenny must be all cock.

Lenny Marcus is something. I think he is. There's something about Lenny that we don't know. No, he didn't get tail in the day, back in the day. Would he? He said he didn't. None. Zero. Zip. Lenny must be all cock. There's something about, because Lenny is a confident guy. You look at him, he looks nebbishy, but he kills on stage.

He's really funny. And he has a hot wife who like has a good job. So Lenny has got to be doing something. Lenny's probably the fuck of all time. That's what the goof about Lenny is. Like he looks like this nebbishy guy and he probably just pounds away

until you're ready for him to stop. Yeah. I can't imagine that. Lenny's a fucking pussy machine. Lenny has a fake wall in his apartment that's just leather and whips and chains.

Yeah. In a hole that he can like drip it, but pops out. I bet he's funny in bed. You know what I mean? Like, I bet he's fun to fuck

because I bet he makes jokes. Like, he's like, what are you doing with your hands right now? What are your hands? What are your hands? Where's your,

show me your other hand. Where is it? You call that riding me? Yeah. Come on. Yeah. You can do that with your finger, but don't put it under my nose. Right i don't like funny in bed i would never like that i i'm so i'm

like my mind my perversion turns off with humor like i can't i can't combine them in the moment my eye goes black like wing of crow when i turn into a different person really oh yeah what is that oh i put a bandage on my new tattoo. Jesus. Put that on the gum and then that whole thing will be trash. Yeah, sorry. Loose bandage. Dude, my, well, my tattoo is healing and I move something

and my dresser scraped the the scab, but it won't fuck up the tattoo, right? It just hurts. A little. Now the red ink is probably going to be faded a little. That's fine. But it'll be fine. Looks nice.

I went into this guy and he was like, oh my God, please let me redo that. I had no idea that I used a lighter ink and wants to make it match that, which is nice. No, it'll be fine. What were you talking about? Oh yeah. Sex.

Yeah. I like humor the whole time. Well, I like humor when you're kind of fooling around, but not once you insert. You're not going to be fucking and then be like, oh, here comes the D-Train. If something funny happens, you have to acknowledge it. If I queef, we have to laugh.

Oh, yeah. You can't just let that slide. If we laugh, my dick shrivels like fucking hot tea has been spilled on it. I can't fucking laugh. My dick shrivels like fucking hot tea has been spilled on it. I can't fucking. A laugh is. I can have that after or a long time before. Yeah.

A long time before. Or yesterday. Yeah. In the morning of. Yeah. We can have some laughs. But in the lead up, I need fantasy and some cuckolding talk. I see.

I see. I see. I see. Yes. That's so funny. One time I got queefed. I go, tell me, baby see, I see. Yes. That's so funny. One time a gal queefed, I go, tell me, baby. A guy queefed? Let me hear you.

Guys don't queef. No, I said a gal. Oh, a gal queefed. Yeah, no, I can't have it. And it's not. Talk to me, baby. I don't like it in porn either. I don't like funny porn plots.

I don't like. No, I hate that. Where they goof off in porn. I just, it's a different emotion for me. Man, watching porn. I mean, I'm really late to the game and I'm just getting into it. Boy, howdy. Do I want to get in there and direct?

You do. I mean, they are not doing things well. Some of them really need help. Do you like the lead up and the plot? Love. Really? I love a story. I want to know why is she, because you know why

the first porn I ever watched was called The Fur Trap starring Kelly Mint and Herschel Savage and there was a lesbian seduction scene where she's like, I don't know if we should, should we? I don't know. And that fucking hardwired my brain.

I was probably 12 or whatever whatever my friend's parents bedroom me and him on the floor his father had a top load VCR and so the story became important to me in porn I love it when I watch straight porn

it's just banging in the middle I scrub to find the spot but with gay porn I try so desperately to find like two best friends that fool around or like oh my god it's okay to be straight and do this no guys that just got done playing soccer guys that are still guys but also doing this to each other and then guys best buddies are nice to each other. Lay on their back and when they come in each other, they say, I love you. Yeah.

They say, I love you, but not like that. It's not like that. I want my gay porn to be like loving and everything. And I want my straight porn to be like, you dirty bitch. Get out of here. We have very different porn tastes. Remarkably different. I would think it would be the other way around. Well, I like that

too. Or it's just some guy you know, punching another guy in the face when he fucks him. I had one the other day. Therapist. What? Couple's therapist. Well, you're in therapy now. What's that about? I'll fuck him. Alan, let's do it.

I it's a therapist and she's like trying to help them yeah oh my god you know what it was it was a therapist and they were step siblings actually ultimate ultimate she loves it

I did he's so hot that's awesome thank you wow did you live with him as a brother or was it like one of those things where it was just. Okay. No. You really did? No, no, no.

He joined the family in, I probably was like, you know, 12. How old was he? 19. 12, 19. And then when I was 17 Or 18 So he groomed you Oh yeah He didn't groom me, I watched him grow

And I groomed my own ass I was 12 years old Highly attracted to this person But did you have Vibes with him Before then, did you sense something Or did it just happen as you got older Um As, oh okay with him before then? Did you sense something or did it just happen as you got older?

Oh, okay. It was like he was there and then I was 12 and then he moved out because he's an adult and then he's still like hanging around his buds, smoking weed together, not seeing each other that often and then I go, you know, high school, he's around, we become friends.

She was a fat little pig and then she grew into a beautiful gal. Oh, okay. And then college,, you know, high school, he's around. We become friends. She was a fat little pig. And then she grew into a beautiful gal. Oh, okay. And then college, I come back home. Hot. Ah. And he's like, whoa. Still hot. You're in college.

He just had always been hot. He'd been hot. So wait, you were in college and he was in his 20s? He had to be, what, you're 19 or 18? He had to be 25. Yeah, what's wrong with that? What? Is he?

I think he's seven years older. My sister's six, yeah. That's fine. I mean, look, it's, yeah, you're 19, I'd say 18, or you'd have to be 25. Yeah, what's wrong with that? Is he? I think he's seven years older. My sister's six, yeah. That's fine. I mean, look, it's, yeah, you're in college, you guys get a lot to do. He's very, he smokes so much weed, he's a little emotional, he's a little stunted. Okay. Yeah, but the fact, I didn't realize that you knew him when you were, you guys knew each other for years. And was there

always sexual tension? I was at an age where sex was at my all-time peak. I was like 12 when he moved in. He was so hot. Yeah. And then he moved out. But you guys didn't hang out one-on-one and he wasn't like checking in on you throughout the years or anything, was he?

No. Oh, okay. No, we just always got along. Did he know that you've said this publicly? Yeah, I've said it in front. We talk about it all the time. I literally will have sex with him again, I promise. He's fine with it. Huh? He's fine with you talking about it. Yeah. She about it all the time I literally will have sex with him again I promise he's fine with it huh he's fine with you

talking about it yeah she broke up his relationship I accidentally did that I did that how because I he brought you with your other sister I have yeah this guy's the fucking Lenny Marcus you know what's kind of fucking me up he's gonna live with my

sister to help her take care of Sophia and I'm like jealous that they might fuck. Dude, she did a gig and he was there, right? With his girlfriend and she brought it up on stage and they broke up on the way home. Wow. Which I think was chess on your part. Yeah. You know?

Yeah. Somebody said step porn and I was like and I couldn't hold it in. Yeah, of course not. But if somebody tells me to not do something, you know what I mean? If I say don't do it, Jordan, then I do it. You know what I mean? So you had sex with only once? Only once, actually.

Oh, okay. Yeah. And how did your parents feel about it? His mom only found out recently when I started talking about it on stage and on the pod. Oh, shit. But it tuned into the Tonight Show. My mom knew it was going to happen. Yeah.

So I hear you had sex with your step mom. I got this bat tattoo because he has one on his ribs. N going to happen. Yeah. So I hear you had sex with your stepdad. I got this bat tattoo because he has one on his ribs. Yeah. And I like it. Oh, Jordan. He's the best. We'll have him on the pod. Oh, my God.

Have him on the podcast. We should have him on the pod. I'll have him on the podcast. Yes. Let's do it. Great. Wow. He's the best.

So how did it happen? You knew it was going to happen? I was in college. Talk slowly. I was in college. Talk slowly. I was in college. I had just gone through a breakup or something and I was texting him about it for some brotherly help.

Then, I don't know, texting became sexting, photo, and then we had sex. How's that for a plot? Is that bad? She rushed through that story the way Clarice And then we had sex. All right. How's that for a plot? Yeah. Is that bad? She rushed through that story the way Clarice rushed through the story about fucking running away from the farm when she saw the lamb. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Not just Jordan. Well, we came home for Christmas and my mom knew. I was like, I'm going to have sex with Tyler, finally. And my mom was like, I'm not. And Tyler asked my mom knew. I was like, I'm going to have sex with Tyler, finally. And my mom was like, I'm not. And Tyler asked my mom. He was like, hey, can you fly me home for Christmas? Because he was a deadbeat and had no money.

And my mom was like, I cannot believe I'm flying my stepson home knowing that he is going to have sex with my daughter. I know that you guys are going to do it. And I was like, we're not. That's the cover of every porn box. I cannot believe I'm flying my stepson home to have sex with my daughter. Oh, my God. Jordan, good for you.

Wow, you really lived a little dream of yours. Oh my God. That happened. I had such a crush on this girl in grade school. It was the first girl I ever got a phone number from at a dance. She wrote it on my arm. We would talk all the time and in my mind I was like, this is my girlfriend

but I never asked. Another guy. And she said, yeah. And so we, yeah, yeah, yeah. And oh my gosh, she was obsessed with Gavin Rossdale from Bush. And so I had hit Raider and circus magazine. So I cut out all his pictures and gave them to her. Of and then i begged my mom for plastic surgery to look like kevin rostale that's so cute oh no and apparently the doctor misunderstood and pulled up a picture of dennis wolfberg rocky dennis you say so somebody at the hardcore show walked by me and go he could be anywhere there's so many guys in here with glasses and mustaches. And I was like, are you talking about Ian? And then you just surfed by me. That was so crazy.

So I, years later, we reconnected and we dated for like a month. Oh, all right. How old? Like years later, high school or? No, I, man, I was just like getting sober again. I was maybe like 24, 25. Give me some of that monster. I, man, I was just like getting sober again. I was maybe like 24, 25. Give me some of that monster.

And she was psychotic. Okay. Yeah. It was, it was, it was a little wild. Like, you know, like the second I would go in her, she'd be like, and I was like, I know what this is. Stop lying to me. Stop overacting.

Yes. Yes. And. Yes, yes. And my neighbors could hear. And it was just like, you know, and then she would huff computer duster in front of me and like bring over a bottle of Jack Daniels. And I'm like, I'm sober. And she's like, well, you don't mind if I get fucked up, do you? I was like, no, by all means. I would hate that. By all means, I'll rape you. What?

I mean, she's just getting fucked up and you're having sex with her? No, I didn't have sex with her when she was fucked up. I just let her. I don't do that. I minored in rape in college. Don't worry about it, buddy. Jesus Christ. Are you kidding me?

I had to be blacked out in order to have sex. You know what I mean? I'd be like, hey, could you stay sober just to make sure I don't do anything weird? And then I'd black out. But then you're totally sober. My brother's coming over. I don't. Yeah.

I'll make sure I don't fuck. I want to remember this. That's true. I think about it all the time. Oh, fuck. That's great. Man, if him and my sister have sex, I'm going to be pissed. They better not. Well, is it your blood sister and his stepsister or half-sister?

Yes, it's my blood sister. She's hotter than me. Yes. What if the only way to have sex with him was they invited you into a threesome? Ew. I don't want to. I would not do it. I haven't had sex with him again since. And I could have.

Yeah. But what if he was like, come over. And then, you know, everybody's all fucked up. And it just happens. I would kick my sister's fucking face in. No. First of all, my sister would not let him get near me with a 10 foot pole. I mean, when she found out we had sex, she was like, no.

Wow. And yeah, my sister is out we had sex, she was like, no. Wow. And yeah, my sister is like scary, full-blooded sister, the scariest woman you've ever met. But she still likes him? She, she finally, he has grown on her because he has, they're the same age. So finally they were like at odds growing up forever. Cause she was like hot jock and he was like me and he was like annoying skater so now they're like just friends because he's like a sweetheart and he's like i will support you know what's funny here's what happened my sister my mom my and my other moms and me and tyler and ryan are kind of all in one family and it's a little bit of a raccoon family

and it's dysfunctional and fun but very loving it. It's like a rat King. It is all just rats tied together at the tail. But it's like really, you know, it's confusing and weird and odd and not very like fake family yes. You know, if we don't want to have family dinner, we don't have family dinner. There was, you know, and my sister was kind of like, fuck you guys. Fuck you freaks. I'm going to marry a dude who makes money and live in the suburbs and get my own family. So she did that. And then that dude has been cheating on her for nine years. So now she's all broken. How'd she find out? Because these women emailed her pictures, emailed. These women called her and they said, Hey, I've, we've been fucking your husband. We asked him for money to

not release these videos. He didn't give it to us oh no was it a seeking arrangement type thing or one of those things no he would go to get really fucked up at casinos do a lot of coke and then just like wander around and then met and then like had the same and they tried to blackmail him

yeah well one of them was pregnant so they're like we don't want to hurt your family we just want money for the pregnancy yada yada and then they ended up so now my sister falling in disarray that her husband's family has all been like fuck you he's not an addict he's not and she's like okay so that's not my family so now all the raccoon kings are like come here baby girl and she's like okay so now tyler's helping her with it very recently oh wow but she's doing really well she just went to like a she had been assaulted a lot when she was young sorry but she had been when she was like 15 so when you're assaulted as a young girl you kind of just choose shitty dudes right yeah so she just went to like a real treatment

center oh that's great yes and she like beat me up my entire life, like a crazy person because of the assaults. So I think everybody's doing better. I'm going to therapy because you know, my thing, I just date the wrong dudes. So does she. So we're both, everybody's growing, you know, Tyler's taking care of Sophia, which is very cool. Cause he's kind of like a deadbeat a little bit. Yeah. And that shows you as the ability to take care of kids and something inside of you is drawn to that. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. So you're going to get better.

And then the guy you end up with is your stepbrother. Yeah. Yeah. You both came to realize that this was a healthy option. If you guys saw him, can we find a picture of him? If you saw him, you would be like, oh, I get it. What? Yeah.

No. He would. And I have sex with men. I wouldn't like that what how i wouldn't be able to get over the thing okay are you ready a hot girl moves into your house when you are 13 years old your boys rock hard dicks all the time she's hot she's like here's some weed here and there there's you know they are always walking around in their underwear yeah fuck you guys yeah and then years later they're still as hot and you're of age you're fucking dude okay yeah that's i'm don't be crazy i'm not it depends on the relationship though because again i knew

dirty storyline that is pretty dirty that's what's dirtier than no you're right yes i guess so yeah that's not so much dirty as it is like sick it's game of thrones how is it sick he never like he never like taught me to read you know what i mean that's good you were 12 yeah i was like i was like smoking cigs and stuff you know what i mean i wasn't like hey brother that. I was going to say, he wasn't picking me up from school, and I was like, actually, he was all the time. Oh, God. Yeah, that would have, I guess, you know, it depends on the relationship. I mean, that's a plot of a porn.

Sure. It's a great plot. It's a good plot. Yeah, I've seen a lot of good porn like that. I love porn now. Well, you're into listening to it. She talked about, really that really well not for the sponsor no i'll use i'll try the sponsor but i gave up on it because the audio porn is so bad

because you know why because that dude's a fucking ugly guy and you know it do you can hear it have you ever listened to audio porn there was um never like in seriousness i don't think as a goof i have Never like in seriousness. I don't think. As a goof, I have. But no, I don't think I've ever listened to audio porn. I like a visual. I used to read penthouse letters.

Oh, forums. Yeah, the penthouse forums. Yes, reading is great. Reading was hot. Yeah. But. Then we forgot how to read. Yeah. Listening to some guy do foley work as he ass fucks a woman.

I don't want to hear that. Yeah. Yeah. And it was really windy. Yeah, that's what it's like. I don't want to hear that. Yeah. Yeah. And it was really windy. Yeah. That's what it's like. And a seagull blew by. Yeah.

It was crinkling up paper. A fire. A fire. Come on. Yeah. It sounds fucking heinous. Yeah. And you're just like, I know you're doing audio porn because you're perverted and unattractive.

You know what I mean? Yeah. But audio porn, I've listened and it's way more guy heavy than women. Or maybe that's just the stuff I've listened to. You mean guy heavy as in they're like... They're talking too much and it ruins it. Oh, for me, I'm only looking for guys, but yeah,

their voices aren't good. I've definitely jerked off to ASMR from like a man. It's like Irish man whispers to you and he's like, go to bed. And I'm like, I just came four times. That sounds awful. An Irish man whispering? It's like Irish man whispers to you And he's like go to bed And I'm like I just came four times That sounds awful An Irish man whispering What is it the banshees of inertia

Is that what it's called That's a great movie It was good it was a little weird I know but I think the little weird pissed people off But I think that was Something happened there Oh I'm gonna come I just don't like you anymore. That's what will get me going.

I didn't come all this way to not dump in you. No, I liked it more after I read about it and how it was representative of the Irish Civil War. That's what I was saying. Yes, that makes sense. I was like, it's obviously like the, not, sorry, not obvious, but I was like, it's the inner fightings of Ireland at the time. They're killing each other within

the thing. And hurting themselves in the process. Yeah, so that made, and the acting was great. I feel so smart for figuring that out. Yeah, I'm very bad at that. I'm really bad at finding those meanings in movies and terrible at it. Like, it's not something, people point out, I'm like, oh,

that was brilliant, But I'm so bad at finding this shit. The second I see some magical realism, like the second he cut off his finger and was a violinist, I was like,

oh, there's something being said here. Self punishment. Yeah. Yeah. And then I was like, oh,

he can't even play his instrument. Ireland can't even be a country. You know what I mean? And they, there was the war going on that they kept stopping

and looking at across the way. Ethan, can I ask you for a huge favor? I have fully just disassociated during this. I have not seen this movie. It's very good.

And by the way, you're smart. When you picked up, he cut off his fingers and he plays the violin. I just went, that was dumb. Yeah, I know. I know. That's what my first reaction was like. Don't.

Don't chuck them. Don't chuck them. Hey, everybody. It's your old pal Ian here. And I am coming to you from a hotel room in D.C. Arlington, Virginia to be exact And guess what? I have an idea

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I love you. Bye. Would you run upstairs and grab an allergy pill? Because I'm dying. Allergy to the cat? I think so, yeah. If there's like a 24 hour one, I love you. I have lozenges. Would that help? I'm just allergic

to down... There's not enough... You gotta get a Claritin. I just have to get an air purifier for down here and have it on. Oh, I started taking that Z-Pak. What's wrong with you? I have chronic epididymitis. What is that? That's not skin.

What does Z-Pak do for that? It's bacterial. Oh, really? What is epididymitis? Epididymitis is a swelling of the epididymis, which is the tubing that connects your testicle to your urethra. It's what makes the sperm travel. And if you feel the top of your testicle,

it can be like a spring a little, and mine can get really swollen. And I'm really prone to it. I had surgery on my nut when I was little. I had a torsion or a tusion tissue wrapped around my nut. And so I'd have this. And ever since then, it's just been like whatever. It's been a bit of a bother.

A bit of a bother. I have to get shots in my spine, cortisone shots. How awesome. To make the pain go away. Like once a year. Okay. And so it's kind of that time where i have to get it again but i got a z-pack down in mexico so i i took it because like it's like it's like if i can if i

wear like dirty underwear i can get an infection easily so like i I used to work construction and not wear underwear. And then I'd like sweat and like get these, you know? So that's. Wait, where real. That's why your back hurts. No.

Oh, okay. You just said with my back, it's just both. Yeah. I'm falling apart. Yeah. Your lower back.

You have to get, I mean, can we talk about this? He has something in his lower back, like lower. My L4 and L5. Okay. And he's going on a ski trip with Gillis and Ari and all of them. Well, we do it every year.

Do you ski? Yeah. I like skiing. I've been looking forward to it. And a part of me is like. You can't. If I just go down the easy hill. The bunny hill.

Yeah. I've never skied. I've never skied. You've never skied? No, at my age, I'm scared now because I know with my luck, I'll fucking paralyze myself or I'll break a leg. Skating is scary because it's like your legs are split apart. Yeah, I'm not interested.

Well, it's a lot of twisting, so that might be kind of tough, but I'm going to see the doctor today. When are you guys going away? Sunday. Who is it? Gillis? Shafir? Norman, Renazizi, Ryan O'Neill,

Andy Haynes, Sean Patton. How funny was that text from my mom? She texted me. She goes, I don't really like Andrew Schultz. Ari Ju, I really like though. Well, that's the name of his special. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She didn't know that. Jew I really like, though. Well, that's the name of his special. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She didn't know that.

No, I actually think that... That just worked out well. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. So why, how come she doesn't like Schultz? Oh, she just has a mom. She just doesn't like him. She likes the observational stuff. Oh, okay. I think more than the edgelord stuff, but then I sent her Andrew Schultz the set he does about the clanking in New York

the pipes I sent him like old stuff of his and now she's very funny very funny yeah yeah but my back is fucked and I have like been using a cane I'm off the cane today which is good

but we went to a hardcore show the other night at this place that's like six blocks from my apartment, and it was awesome. But one of my favorite bands was playing. I was like, I have to stage dive. So I hobbled my way up to the stage. I have my phone. I'm recording the band.

Angel Dust, shout out. Yeah, shout out Angel Dust. What's up, Justice? I'm recording the band, and I'm like, who is hobbling on stage? Who is hobbling with a cane I climbed on stage I had a cane and then he just jumps into the crowd I think I saw that on social media I'm chasing behind him going underneath him

I'm chasing as people are holding him up going he's got a bad back he's got a bad back it was great there's nothing worse than a hardcore in a mosh pit to have somebody's aunt yelling be careful he hurt himself playing soccer. Oh my God, it was so funny.

The first hardcore show I ever went to, I was 14, my mom dropped me and my buddy Andrew off in Philadelphia at the Trocadero in Chinatown. It's like a real rough scene, you know, and my mom drops us off, we see some friends in line, we get to kind of the middle of the line. My mom drops us off. We see some friends in line. We get to kind of the middle of the line. And my mom drops us off. And then all of a sudden we see her pull up again to the curb, rolls the window down in front of all these like tough Philly dudes.

She's like, Ian, Ian, here's a roll of quarters to call me in case you or Andrew gets hurt. And everybody was just like, ah, your mom loves you. Just like ripping on me for having a mom that cares. One time she came into a venue in Philly and found me and my friend smoking cigarettes. And she yanked us out by our ears. And everybody was clapping. And the singer of the band was like, give that mom a round of applause. That's fucking hardcore.

How did you guys get caught smoking? Were you just lurking in the back puffing away? No, no. You used to be able to smoke in venues. So we were up at the front just ripping cigs. And my mom told us, like, I don't want to catch you smoking cigarettes. And she just, like, knew. And she talked her way into the venue, found us.

And then I'll never forget just getting ripped out and everybody just like, your mom really worked for that, didn't she? Yeah. She walked through Gigi Allen throwing shit at her to catch you smoking a Newport. That's amazing. My mom would just steal my cigarettes. My mom was notorious. She used to go to fucking, she was embarrassing, man.

She went to a party one time and went inside and sniffed the glasses to see if we were drinking. Oh, my God. She didn't trust us. Yeah, that was like fucking embarrassing. My mom said, do you want to pay Miss Drinks? So she would buy us booze. What? And then let us all drink in her office.

Yeah, a lot of moms were like that. My mom was more like Ian's. That was just not having it. But your mom was like the cool mom. All the moms hated my mom because of that. And she was like, I don't want. They are going out asking weirdos to buy them booze. Yeah.

And then hiding in alleyways. I have an empty office. I'll get them one thing of Svedka. They're going to make cocktails. They're just trying to be adults. If they're going to drink, I want it in the house. If they're going to want to fuck, I want it in the family. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Yeah, I had the booze house. It was great. Wow. Our booze house was my friends. I don't want to blow up their spot, but they were like the best. It was a Puerto Rican family, and they had like a million people. We would go to like their quinceañeras and everything, and their house was like the party house.

Puerto Ricans do not watch YouTube channel podcasts. They don't. The Rivera's. They were the best. Thank you. How would you know that? And B, why would you believe it? There's no way they're watching B&E with Jordan. You just said the weirdest stereotype ever.

I was like, you know what, you're right. They're watching somebody cook in Spanish. What are you talking about? You're not watching two people talk rapidly. You're thinking of who you would meet at a Home Depot. I'm talking about a family in Delaware that, you know, went to like Amherst. She's in 1973. They're not watching Chico and the Man.

Why would they watch this? You opened up the description with a Puerto Rican family. Yeah. Maybe that wasn't necessary to say. The Puerto Rican families I grew up with, the buddies, it was just that one mom with long red nails going, I'm smacking us hard on the back of the head. We used to go there and just get fucked up

after school. Did you guys know the game... Did you play like... We had this thing called Assassins where everybody would put money in and put your name in a hat. You all pull. And that was who you had to assassinate with a water gun. And there were like rules.

You can't do it on school property. You can't do it at a school event. And the person didn't know he wasn't in on it. It was like a principal or something. No, no, no. We were all in on it. So like if we all put our names in and I yanked Jim and then I. Do you rephrase that?

Yeah. All right. So Ianked Jim. And then I also pulled him. Do you rephrase that? Yeah. All right, so I jerk off Jim, right? And I go, why did I say that? Holy shit. Freudian slip. So then you pull a name and you pull Jordan. But you don't tell each other you have each other, right? Exactly, exactly.

So no one knows who has anyone. Friend or foe. And then, yes. And then I have to figure out a way to assassinate you with a water gun. So like one time I played. I used to pick up my buddy from school and

I recorded on a recorder like, hey, what's up? I'm on my way to pick you up. We didn't have cell phones. I was like, I'm on my way to pick you up. What are you talking into? This is a phone. You said we didn't have cell phones. I was like, I'm on my way to pick you up. What are you talking into? Yeah, this is a phone. You said we didn't have cell phones.

A home phone. A home phone. Okay. So I recorded on a tape and had my mom call him. And when he picked up, my mom played the tape because I was already waiting in the bushes at his house. Hell yeah. And the tape was like, hey, I'm on my way to pick you up.

Be outside. I'm running late. Hell yeah. So when he came out, he was expecting me to pull up and I just fucking shot him. And then to get the Rivera's, I had one of them. I ordered a pizza to their house. And when they answered the door, they came out and I came out of the bushes. But my tactical error was I came out of the bushes screaming.

So they saw me. I was like, ah, and they just ran. And there's just a guy from dominoes like something she's been robbed by some 12 year old that's what i miss most about being pranks are so fun what was the prank i wrote the other day that oh going to arrest going out to dinner with woke friends and start screaming racial slurs and then when they're like what the hell i go it's my cheat day i thought that was a good one but it's my cheat day that's funny because i was thinking about i was looking into the eyes of these

audience members the other day and they were one was like tech marketing or whatever and they all had these like perfect sweaters on and everything and i was just looking at them and i was like i bet i don't know i bet you guys have like balance in your life you know what i mean like you eat like whole meals and then you have a cheat day and then i was thinking about how my cheat day would just be me screaming the n-word or something or stabbing myself in the leg yeah just hurting yourself isn't it weird when my group chats are full of the most like evil fun silly things like do you see this video of this guy dying and then all those people i don't know i mean i feel like everyone's group chat has to have some I don't know. I mean, I feel like everyone's group chat has to have some

badness to it. There's always some, but I don't trust the group enough. How did you just get to group chat from what we were talking about? Because you were talking about those people have balance and everything, and I'm like, yeah, but in their private moments, like in their group chat, do they have like some naughties?

Oh, yeah. I think they probably have more like sending naughties, like sending me and you saying bad stuff to them, but I don't think they probably have more like sending naughties, like sending me and you saying bad stuff to them, but I don't think they're coming from them. It's really hard for me lately with audiences to look at that. Like there's so many times where I'm like, who, how are we the same species? You know what I mean? Right. Maybe it's from doing the road and having fans come out who are a little bit more eye to eye that when I go back into the cellar, I'm like, where did you, how did you know to wear that shirt with that sweater? How do you look so, why do you look so glossy all the time? How are you just perfectly, it's like, and they're all

like that. And it is just like these, and then you ask them their job. And it's like, I asked this guy last night, I was like consultant for what? And he like said it. And it was like, there was no way it's like the iCloud or something. It's like, there asked this guy last night, I was like, consultant for what? And he like said it. And it was like, there was no way. It's like the iCloud or something. It's like there's, they can't describe what they do every day. I don't understand it. I know. It's very weird.

It's hard to relate. You know, that's why I would, before I go on, I always have like a little heart to heart in the mirror with myself. And I always say, remember, Jim, your job is to entertain these people. Isn't it crazy? Because they really are. I really do not. Oh, I see what you're saying.

As opposed to just staring. He's mocking you. No, I'm actually not. As opposed to staring into their eyes and poking them in the face going, what do you do? What are you? No, I kind of understand that. Like, you feel so different. Like, I feel like I'm not even relatable.

If I talk too much about my private life or the way I feel, like, they're not going to relate. Like, it's very different from what they do on a day-to-day basis. So how do I connect with these people? Yeah, I feel that a lot. I feel like I can definitely go into jester mode where I'm like, I'm just like the dirty tramp that you guys are laughing at. But it is interesting to me to just be like, do you guys,

like, are your thoughts in English? You know what I mean? Are you just sitting there being like like when you wake up you just like have a balanced day starting at 9 a.m and you do your routine well a lot of people are boring is that true though like how is that possible that that a lot a lot of people go to work they do their job they come home and then they come to see us for like their night out or entertainment. Like I couldn't imagine. So like I'll, I'll go to concerts, I'll see shows, but that's more of like a, a lot like music event. I, I don't think I, even when I loved comedy, I would go to shows, but like once I got into it, I couldn't just go and sit. Even when I'm on shows, I can't just sit and watch the whole time.

Yeah. I have to tap the person next to me and just go listen to the words. Yeah. Yeah. It's not annoying at all. Totally. No, you know what it is? It's because it's hard to picture people being content with just like four walls and a roof

when like, when every night you're going out and your whole thing is, is this room full of strangers going to hate my fucking guts? Yeah. There's like such a high mental stake in that. It's like, I don't know how anybody can feel content not dealing with that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just don't understand it. Totally.

Yeah. I just always wonder, I'm like, what do you think of me? How are we in the same arena right now? It's bizarre. Yeah. And what was the other thing I wanted to say to you specifically, Jim? Oh, yes. This is my gym.

I wrote this down. I went to Poughkeepsie. What have you said? This is my gym. And then you just said Planet Fitness. And I went to Poughkeepsie. I would have enjoyed it. And Equinox.

You're a buddy with Dice, right? Yes. They said they played me a voicemail. I Yes. They said they played me a voicemail. I heard about this. They played me a voicemail of Dice saying, hey, you know, I told you that I wanted a limo outside. This is an escalade. So I wish you guys all the best of luck. And then just didn't show up for any of the like eight shows that he had planned in Poughkeepsie.

Was this at the... Laugh It Up. Laugh It Up Comedy Club, which is that bar? Yeah, a bar. Yeah, I was talking to that guy before. He was looking forward to Dice coming so much. I was so curious. That's a good gig, yeah.

Those guys are great. That guy, Cal, is a sweetheart. But that's not a... Why would Dice do that room? Because he'll sell it out and he'll get a high ticket price because you're seeing an arena act in a fucking small room

and he gets paid well. I mean, Dice, he'll go out and just make a decent amount of money for the weekend. You opened for him for years. Three years, yeah. Wow, that's incredible. Would he do that? Would he just cancel gigs because something

wasn't met? I never noticed it like him canceling gigs, but I've never seen anybody give a fuck less about other famous people. I remember we did a show that Tiger Woods was at and this is probably 1997 or

98 and we were in the green room after and they go hey look Tiger might come back and Dice goes I'm going up to the fucking room and he just goes up to the room and I'm like let's wait and see if Tiger comes back. He didn't give a fuck so that attitude about canceling he doesn't give a shit like I've

watched him not give a shit for a long time and that's probably what that is. It's just like The voicemail was so funny with his thick accent and just being like I wish you all the best but it was crazy. I mean also a limo in Poughkeepsie is just so funny to me. Just like the three of them.

A limo would escalate to a limo. A limo is insane. In Poughkeepsie it was bizarre. I think he had another reason that he didn't want to do it. You know what I mean? He was on the fence and that was the last straw. I will say that he is such want to do it. He was on the fence and that was the last straw. I will say that he is such an outsized character legend

that it's almost like they're out a ton of money probably and that really sucks. But story-wise, that's better than him doing the show. That's incredible. I'm always about the story and the bit. If I have to lose in order to, like, I'm not seeking to lose, but I'm totally fine with, like, being like, well, that's funny.

I mean, at the end of the day, that sucks, but it's funny. Yeah. And that is an example. He lives for the goof. Yeah. Lives for that goof. Like, his thing he's doing where he's just going up to people and telling them, like, I don't want a picture.

And they're like, who are you? It's incredible. Are you the guy that was waiting for the picture? Yeah. He talks like an idiot.

Yeah. Oh. It's great. It's so uncomfortable. I was doing Vegas with him one time and he would do this thing to make me laugh

where he did, like, stupid dice. Like, instead of being like, oh, he'd be like, and his fucking wife hated it because she she's like it's not sexy like she fucking hated it that's awesome but he didn't

care he didn't care if the audience liked it he would just do it to make his stupid friend laugh and that's what he likes to do and now his now his whole thing is or when years ago when i saw him it's he basically does the nursery rhymes and then makes fun of you for liking them. Right. Sometimes. Yeah. Or he would do it. Like if he liked the crowd, he would do it.

He knew the crowd loved it. A lot of times he did it with no irony. He would plow like, like welcome to the jungle. Like that was the welcome to the jungle. He knew that. And then there's other times where, uh,

he would not do them if he didn't like the crowd or if he just didn't feel like it. And I think Kenny told me a story one time where Dice, like the crowd he hated, so he would do a nursery rhyme and they would cheer and then Dice would yell something that that rhyme bought. Like, you know, New Escalade. He would yell out shit that had been paid for by those rhymes. That's great.

Yeah. Kenny has a lot of great Dice stories, of course, because he was his road manager when he went through the arenas and all that stuff. Yeah. But he changed my life. I fucking love him. I love him. Well, the day the laughter died is the greatest troll of all time.

It's fucking, he literally is about to do the garden, and then he walks into Dangerfields for three nights, and they don't know he's coming, and he has no material prepared, and he bombs, and he don't know he's coming, and he has no material prepared, and he bombs, and he turns it into a double album that Rick Rubin produces. It's fucking masterful. It's so funny as a comic

to watch this guy just working through things and people having no idea. That's why when you go to the cellar and work out, how often do you do that? I mean, whenever material bombs, I I'm, I'm always okay with it. Cause I think,

I think it's funny. Like it makes me laugh. It's the best. Cause you're just like so confident. You just run shit. And if it bombs, that's my, somebody the other day sent me one of yours and it was just you being like,

all right, you guys didn't like that. And it was so funny. And I was like, I would hate if anybody else posted this, but the way you do it is so good. Oh, thank you.

You'll be like, it's something hilarious. And you're like, I fucked up word up. If I hadn't. You'd be like, it's something hilarious. And you're like, ah, I fucked up word up. If I hadn't fucked that word up, you would have liked this. And just having that.

It's funny to be honest with them. It's great. It's like what we're doing is not so mysterious. Like I made a mistake. We all see me. That's why acting is so hard. Cause you can't do that. But as a comic,

you can do that. And every comic should like acknowledge it. They saw it. I can't save this. I said the wrong word. It's unfixable. But also it's something beautiful about being present in that moment enough to recognize, you know, instead of just going through the motion or whatever and like acting like it didn't happen when everyone saw it. Yeah.

Yeah. You got to sometimes just go, ugh. Yeah. Like, and I've done that on auditions. I did something where I actually threw away the auditions. I sucked at it and I actually got the part, but that's only happened once. The other 400 times I've done it, it resulted in me not getting the part. What do you mean you threw it away? Like meaning I was

like, I'm sorry, this fucking stinks. And I just, the way I handled it. Oh, in the room. Yeah. I just couldn't not do it. No shit. Um, but most times that does not work. Yeah. Um, they just say like, right, you're right. You do. That was a poor audition. Dude, I, Oh my God. One of the worst experiences I ever had with auditions was I was like really into like watching inside the actor's studio and like these videos of like actors being like, you know, I just had this unwavering faith in myself and I wouldn't take no for an answer. And I called the director and this and that it's like Bradley Cooper and all this, everything. So I go in for an audition for an Amazon prime show. And my line is like the bathrooms that way.

So I do it. And the woman keeps going like, it's too much. It's too much. And she kept giving me chances. She goes, okay, great. Thanks. I leave. I go downstairs.

I'm smoking a cigarette. And I started saying it I go that's it that's it I just fucking nailed it you know what and you turn around the door's locked I went I go you know what this is it I'm gonna get it and I went upstairs I knocked on the door she's eating lunch and I go hey look I know I can nail this and I know this is my chance can you please put me on tape again and she goes you know you know what? I like you. So I'm going to let it happen. But don't you ever do this again? Because word travels and you're never going to get work. Come on in. And that shook me. Oh my God. And she goes, you're still over the top. And that was it. And I blew it so hard.

That would be a great sketch. Guy was just like, here we go. I believe in myself. And then she totally tore me down. And I was like, I'm in the bathroom. My way. Oh, fuck. And it just blew it. Your Hollywood story moment.

That's what I thought it was for an Amazon Prime show that probably didn't even get picked up. Like, insane. Insane. I love hearing that. That's the same as like a Hail Mary with a breakup where you show up and you're like, you know what? I'm all in, let's do it. And they're like, I all I'm completely unattached. I was looking at myself in a van window. Like this is it.

You got it. Pumping myself up, saying the line. I'm like, you said it right this time. Anytime you think you got it, you don't have it. That's the, that, that is like, that's why that comedy central thing the other day, I just didn't do a set. Cause I was like, if I run a set, I'm going to be like, okay, I know this. Like I have to like be. Wait, what Comedy Central thing? It was just like a Comedy Central features thing.

Digital. Yeah. And I just was like, it's just so funny how anytime I'm like, I'm about to crush. I do not crush. No, never. It's crazy. Whenever, whenever you have that, those moments have to be organic and you can't fake them. Like if I'm ready to go on and do a show and I catch my reflection in something and I say, time to be funny, Jim.

I'm a dead man. You're dead. You're dead. Yeah. I'm fucking finished. Even if I go to the bathroom and I'm like, you look good. You're about to crush this. You got a good outfit on I just

Eat a dick We were in LA shooting Gillian Keeves and me Shane And a bunch of people and Nate Diaz He's like friends with him We were all eating And Shane was like ah we're gonna go To the improv I'm gonna drop in

And do a set you know Nate like Come on let's go you know and Nate was like Alright man let, let's go. You know, and Nate was like, all right, man, let's do it. So we go in and like all the comics are bombing and they're like berating the crowd. And then Shane goes up and he's like loaded and his first two jokes crush. And he goes, maybe it's not them.

Maybe it's you guys. You guys suck. And then he goes into his bits and just everything after that. And we're like dying. And then he goes into his bits and just everything after that. We're like dying. And he goes, no, no, it's you guys. You guys are good. That's great.

I have to look at myself in the mirror before I go up and like pep myself up. Not like you're going to do great, but just like, this is so sad, but being like you're funny, you're smart, and you're good at what you do. You have value. Like I have to do great, but just like, this is so sad, but being like, you're funny, you're smart and you're good at what you do. You have value. Like I have to do that. It's so sad, but it works. I was running my cordon set in LA.

Cut that. That is gay. No, that should be the promo. You want to be inspired? Tune in. Kill me. You pump me. You pump yourself up? Yeah. You pump me. You pump yourself up? Yeah, and I dance. I've seen people like you in green rooms

and I'm always like, what are you doing? I put music on. Oh my god. Yeah. Louie shadow boxes, which I find incredibly cringe. Oh my god. But yeah. At the laugh house, guys used to stretch like, uh, do these and everything and like shadow box and everything. Sometimes I stretch because But yeah At the laugh house guys used to stretch Like uh

Do these and everything And like shadow box and everything Sometimes I stretch because now I'm getting older And my back will hurt for standing for an hour You find that happening Who are you talking to I have a fucking cane I'm like actually stretching because I need to I try and just talk to people

I try and Yeah I try and talk to people until the second't care that thing at all. I try and, yeah. I try and talk to people until the second I go up on stage or just like be, yeah, I don't know, the whole like gear up thing. Maybe if I'm manic,

I'll be jumping around, but no, the shadow boxing, the fake golf swing, ah. Years ago, I used to have to, Barry Katz actually said to me one time, one day you're just going to not need

to psych yourself out. You're just going to go up. And he was right. But that was like maybe in 2000, 2001, like, and then as years go on, you're just going to not need to psych yourself out. You're just going to go up. And he was right. But that was like maybe in 2000, 2001. And then as years go on, you're like, I just got to walk on and be funny. And I'm comfortable being funny. And if I'm not, then I'll make fun of that and whatever. If that doesn't work, then I'm finished.

I'll never forget. Like I used to go to the cellar to watch you guys, you know, when I was like 18 and everything. And oh, my God. Bobby was waiting to go up and i was like in the hallway for some reason and uh i was like hey man good luck up there and he looked at me he's like yeah thanks bud and i just remember being like i think i helped yeah that's like a fucking 18 year old and now when people do that to me i'm like shut up yeah you know it's so nice to like not punch me.

It helps me if somebody goes, have fun, right before I go up on stage. That does help me. I say that to comics. Yeah, because I always forget. I'm like, oh, right, right, right, right, right, right, right. That's what we're doing. Like one of my first big shows as a comic in Buffalo, New York, I remember the owner of Helium or the manager right before I went up,

I was like panicking and he goes, have fun. And I remember just being like, oh yeah, this is like a fun thing. I chose to do. Yeah. Someone said that to me the other day. They go, oh, we were talking. I was like, oh, I got it. I have to go to Florida this weekend for a gig.

And he goes, no, no, you get to go to Florida. I was like, oh fuck. That's right. You're right. I get to do that. Yeah. But I don't know. Somebody telling me to have fun. I don't know oh, fuck. That's right. You're right. I get to do that. Yeah, but somebody telling me to have fun, I don't know if that will...

There's really nothing anyone can say to me when I'm walking on that means anything. Not to be a dick, but... I bet it would get in there. I bet if you were about to walk up at the Fat Black, and as you passed me, I went, have fun. I bet a little worm would get in your head that would be like, okay, fun. I'm telling you. I think it helps. Yeah.

I would actually just turn around and not go on stage and go right to a peep show. Right, right, right, right. Well, now fun is different. Now having fun is doing completely almost, once you get to a certain point, you're like, I just want to piss these people off and see how far to the edge I can go.

And that's fun now. Yeah, making them laugh at something that I know they don't agree with or they think they know where I'm going with it. And I go like, no, I know where I'm headed with this. Yeah. That is kind of fun. Yeah. I don't antagonize them on purpose because then it gets, then it's almost like, no, you're

not getting an honest gauge of them because you're doing this purposely. Like if they just become upset, which they're going to get the fucking audiences are babies. Let it happen naturally and it will happen. And then sometimes you can say, all right, let's see where this goes. Oh, you mean instead of being like, oh, you're sad? Are you guys mad at me? I won't go up there and just say something that I know is purposefully

antagonistic, unless it's the actual joke. Yeah. Because then I'm just poking them for no reason. No, that's gay. It's gay. Unless you believe in it. You know what I mean? If you're just doing it for fun. But sometimes it is nice to take them to the edge of a concept that you're working with

that you believe that you know they don't. I think that's where the fun now is rather than just delivering the jokes. Well, it's like that Patrice thing of like, you don't want everyone there to like you. Well, you had to say that. I mean, how else would he fucking sleep at night? People coming up with like poems just to deal with who they are as a person.

Like Robin Williams being like, everybody should hold onto a little bit of their insanity. He loses his mind and dies. You know what I mean? Like it is true. I mean, well, what he said is true.

Dude, I like hear it. I listen to it every day. You and I send it to each other. Oh my God. Yeah. But we have to, or else we'll kill ourselves. You know what I mean?

But it is like when people are like, if you don't think about suicide, you aren't living. And you're like, you're suicidal. Yeah. I've never heard that before, but you know what I mean? Thoughts on having sex with audience members? You can't. Oh, Jim is.

I have, but my act is not sexy, though. So I always did okay but not great because I would attract people who are already like okay I know you like this stuff because I was on radio so it's like people know you coming in you don't it's like I'm dirty you're dirty but I would

very very rarely be able just to sit there and meet people because my act is not sexy it's self deprecating it's about hooker. Nobody fucking likes that. No women think that's cute. And the ones that are are like, oh. You just didn't have DMs back then. No, that's true.

If you had DMs, you'd be getting DMs. You probably just didn't hang outside the club like a freak like some of these comics being like, did you like it? Did you like me? So many times. I didn't have the confidence. I just didn't have the confidence. I just didn't have the confidence. I got laid, but I mean, not often. It was very rare that I pulled an audience member

and fought, like very, very rare. Who was pulling a lot? Dove, I know, was pulling a lot. I didn't work the road with Dove, so I don't know. It's hard to say because like on the road, I would say local headliners always did. Guys that you don't even know, but the guys that would come through these towns and like when I started 1990s, these guys who were like late 80s headliners always did. Guys that you don't even know, but the guys that would come through these towns and like,

when I started in 1990s, these guys who were like late 80s headliners that bled up till the mid 90s, they were always the ones that had like a little local following and shit like that. But, you know, I was just touring with guys in my group. Jim Florentine, girls like, because he was funny. Bob Levy, because he had

a big penis that he spoke about on stage. Oh, really? He's got a hog? Levy's got a fucking hog. Good for Levy. I like him a lot. Yeah, I love Levy. And he has a cock. Yeah. Wow.

Good for him. I know that because he's mentioned it to me 4,000 times since I met him. I'm doubting Thomas. I must believe it when I see it. I don't think I've ever seen Bob's dick. Believe it when I taste it. Nah, I'm telling you. I don't believe you.

My mouth is 10 inches long. Let's check. I was in, I just did McAllister, Oklahoma, and my opener got his dick sucked by some chick. Oh! She goes up and goes, you want to come to my boyfriend's truck? And he's like, what? And she goes, yeah, me and my boyfriend, we come to this bar and we see who we can get.

And then we go home and we have sex and talk about it. And the guy's like, okay. So we just got blown by this old lady in her boyfriend's truck. Who, you? No, no, my opener, this guy. Yeah, it was crazy. And I'm like, damn. Jake always gets laid from going on the road with me. He'll get so many DMs and then we sift through to find

Really? We sift through and we're like, she looks good. She might be a little fat. That's a fatty. And then I'll come back in and I'll be like, I attract women. Do you attract more women or men? As an audience? As an audience? Like, yeah, can I say your audience might be more female. Since being in a lot and come down,

a lot of men. Oh, okay. But women for you. Women? Girls have been coming. We're separate people. No. Yeah.

What? I know. At my shows, I'm getting, I used to get a lot of women. Right. But because of being in and come down,

I get more men. And I have always gotten men, but because of her on this, I'm getting a lot of women that bring their boyfriends, which I really like a lot. I've always gotten a lot of men, and now I just get less men. Yeah, not anymore or something

else. Unfortunately, the cup was empty, never refilled. Yeah. The cup is done rather than over and it stayed over. That's great. Do you have girls?

More women than you would have thought. I guess there's a certain amount of them like the... Lanny's wife is obsessed with you. She's a fan of the radio show. She's great. Some of the radio show. Yeah, she's great. Yeah, some of them like, I think, the honest self-assessment,

like I'm not alpha. You know what I mean? I think that's what has attracted. Or the fact that I embraced perversion, and I think that a lot of this, there's many perverted women as men. It's not like there's a bunch of men and a bunch of fucking Little House on the Prairie girls. I mean, there's

dirty women. And I think they appreciate someone who makes them comfortable with that. I get a lot of people that come up and they are just, I mean, I love them. They're great, but they are just freak shows. And then they go, yeah, you get freak shows. You really make people like you

and me feel good. Or like you've made me feel like I can be who I am and I'm like oh wow I didn't know I was the weirdo but I guess so you know he pulls child's underpants out of his pocket and dabs his head a guy like you makes me feel normal

but those emails are nice though like talking about certain things and people go hey man thank you for making me feel okay with this or making me feel normal or making me feel like it was okay to talk about this. Those are always nice to get. I had a guy at a hardcore show come up to me. He goes, Hey, I just, he's this kid, just a, just a truly 16, 17. He's like, I listened to you and Ian and like you, I have a really big problem with weed,

but you and all my friends are cool and they smoke weed, but you and Ian, you think weed is gay. So I stopped smoking weed and it's really helped me. So yeah. And I was like, weed is gay, dude. And he was like, thank you so much. And I was like, yeah. Yeah. I get, I get a lot of that about like being open about being like with men or like trans

women, which I'm sure you get a ton of. That's probably the one I get the most. Yeah. But I mean, like you've helped so many people by just talking about what you do. You get with trans women? Yes. Really? Yeah.

You didn't know that? I didn't know that. Yes. You both? Yeah. Yeah. Still? Yeah.

Yeah. Well, now you have a. Why would you go against that? Like, why would you change that? Yeah. Why would you just go, you know what? The buck stops here. Yeah.

Exactly. You've always been doing it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Probably since I discovered it when Yeah, yeah, yeah. Probably since I discovered it when I was 15

through porn. I didn't know it was a thing. What is the thing that you like about it? I guess it's the combination. It's hard to say exactly because at first you fetishize something.

Yeah. But that's how I was with all sex. People are like, he's a chaser. But it's like, no, I was like that with everybody.

Anything I was sexual about was a fetish for me. Anything. Asses, feet, scent, you know, all with everybody. Anything I was sexual about was a fetish for me. Anything. Asses, feet, scent, you know, all that piss. I don't know where it comes from or exactly what it represents. But after a while, you stop giving a shit. And you're just like, this is who I am.

This is who I like. Yeah. And yeah, yeah. Well, that's, I get that sometimes of like, you're a chaser. I'm like, well, I'm not. What's a chaser? Chaser. They call it a tranny chaser because they think they're guys who fetishize and chase trans women. That's the term.

Right. But what's the difference between chasing and wanting or just have a preference or accepting? There's not enough people. Cause they're being like, you're not registering me as a woman. You're registering me as a. No,

I don't. Or, or you're not acknowledging me publicly. It's not a compliment. Uh, or, or they say you're not publicly me publicly. It's not a compliment. Or they say you're not publicly acknowledging me. Like, I think chasers are more secret.

Like, more like, hey, I have my wife at home or I have this. But, yeah, I'm cool with this, like, in private. That's how I interpret it. Some trans girl might tell me I'm a fucking idiot, and that's not what it is, but that's how I interpret it. But it's fucked me up because a girl will be like, you're a chaser. And I'm like, no, I've dated trans women before. And they're like, so why are you trying to be like, you're a chaser. And I'm like, no, I've dated trans women

before. And they're like, so why are you trying to prove that you're not a chaser? And I'm like, well, what am I supposed to say? A chaser is somebody who just fetishes that. Yes, I see. I gotcha. My friend cheated on his fiance with a bunch of... Trans women? Yeah, trans women. How do you caught... Why do I scream that? He was smiling too much.

Exactly. Honey, you finally look happy. Yeah, he was smiling and sitting on a blow-up donut. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, that's a show. This is great. You're the fucking best, Jim. Thank you for coming. Oh, thanks.

This was really fun. I love you guys. You're both so goddamn funny, man. This is really enjoyable. Legend. so goddamn funny, man. This is really enjoyable. Legend. What would you like to plug? I have just gigs upcoming. Cleveland, April 21, 22. Hilarities? Hilarities, yeah.

The best club in the world. It is great. And Montclair, May 20th at the Wellmont Theater, and then somewhere in Bethlehem, PA the 19th. And the Burt Kreischer roast, April 1st. I'm actually really happy with the way I did on the Burt. Really? I never watch anything I do. Like I

loathe watching myself but the Burt, Whitney showed me my set and I was really fucking happy with it. Oh good. The show is fucking hilarious on this thing. Hinchcliffe is funny. It's really, really great. Rachel Feinstein, Donnell is a fucking psychopath. Like it's really funny. Hell yeahinstein Donnell is a fucking psychopath

It's really funny That's awesome man And I've been seeing you work out your new hour It's fucking awesome Thanks man I'm really happy with it But I don't know the order and stuff like that And what to do with it But things are moving

So you're going to record it I think so My YouTube has zero interest I don't upload really to YouTube So I wouldn't know what to do with it Maybe I'll record it and then just hold it Because I'm so bored with talking about it But my Trump stuff is starting to get stale

So I really Remember when I'm still doing Clinton Yeah so yeah I feel happy with it Awesome And what do you have? Just go to the website I'm still doing a Clinton. Yeah. So yeah, I feel happy with it. Awesome. Yeah.

And what do you have? Just go to the website. Spoke Haynes coming up. Please come out to that. Oh, me too. What's it called? The comedy attic in Indianapolis. Yeah.

I've got Arlington draft house, March 16th to 18th in Virginia and D.C. And I've got Detroit House of Comedy, March 23rd to the 25th. Spokane Comedy Club, Taconga Comedy Club, Wise Guys, Utah, March 30th. How do you remember this? Because I have my shit together. Wow, I really have no idea. I couldn't list my dates like that either.

I had to struggle with Bethlehem. In a million years. I have no idea what I have coming up. Well, I'm so excited. I get no idea what I have. I couldn't list my dates like that either. I had to struggle with Bethlehem. In a million years. I have no idea what I have coming up. Well, I'm so excited. I get to do what I love. I really don't know what I'm doing. And I'm going to Zany, Chicago. Comedy on State, just announced.

Can't wait. IanFidance.com, Patreon.com slash B&E and Pod. We love you. Thank you so much. Oh, and we just got, so the band that does the outro, the ska band, Title Holder, they just sent us a bunch of shit. They have a new album coming out.

Nice. So we want to give them guys some love. Thank you so much. We really appreciate it. And we'll see you next time. You're the fucking man, Jim. Thanks a bunch. And thank you. We'll see you next time.